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<v Speaker 1>Clownish Authenticity Podcast. Thanks for tuning in to Boundless Authenticity.

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<v Speaker 1>A huge shout out to all our new subscribers and followers.

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<v Speaker 1>If you haven't followed yet, make sure to hit that

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<v Speaker 1>follow button now. You can catch the show on Spreaker, Spotify, Apple, Rumble,

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<v Speaker 1>and occasionally YouTube unless of course, their censored me I

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<v Speaker 1>recommend using the Spreaker app. It's free, there's no sign

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<v Speaker 1>up required, just press play and enjoy. By subscribing, you'll

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<v Speaker 1>be the first to know when new episodes drop and

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<v Speaker 1>help the show reach more listeners, meaning we can bring

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<v Speaker 1>on the guests that you want to hear from. New

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<v Speaker 1>episodes drop three times a month, the sixth, sixteenth, and

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<v Speaker 1>the twenty sixth, so mark your calendars. My guest today

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<v Speaker 1>is Sasha Quint's, a relationship coach who integrates deep emotional

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<v Speaker 1>work with proven methodologies to help people heal and transform

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<v Speaker 1>their relationships. You can reach her on Instagram at Sasha

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<v Speaker 1>Quint's Love Coach. How's it going?

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<v Speaker 2>So good to be here. I'm very excited for this

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<v Speaker 2>opportunity to chat and connect and hopefully leave your listeners

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<v Speaker 2>with some amazing tools and their love life.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I'm excited. To have you. This is the first

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<v Speaker 1>of its kind on this show. We usually just talk

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<v Speaker 1>about woo woo stuff, So I'm a little.

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<v Speaker 2>Woo woo who too. So it's okay, you're not.

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<v Speaker 1>Far you mean we're not going to talk about aliens.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh darn, okay, So well let's jump right into it.

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<v Speaker 1>Tell me about your journey into coaching. What inspired you

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<v Speaker 1>to become a love and relationship coach. Was there a

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<v Speaker 1>particular moment or experience that sparked.

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<v Speaker 2>This, Yes, so, I mean I've always been into working

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<v Speaker 2>with people. I was a yoga and mindfulness and meditation

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<v Speaker 2>teacher before I became a love and relationship coach. So

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<v Speaker 2>I did that for over a decade. You know. Actually

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<v Speaker 2>it was yoga that helped me get through a great

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<v Speaker 2>loss in my life when I lost my sister in

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<v Speaker 2>two thousand and nine overnight. And it was a meditation

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<v Speaker 2>that gave me that solace, you know, to be able

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<v Speaker 2>to go through the grief and just find a place where, like,

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<v Speaker 2>the pain wasn't so bad. And as I went through that,

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<v Speaker 2>yoga became my life for a decade, and I thought

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<v Speaker 2>that's what I was going to do for the rest

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<v Speaker 2>of my life. I didn't think anything would change. I

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<v Speaker 2>worked with many people I supported them through their journey

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<v Speaker 2>of both physical pain, you know, also mental you know

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<v Speaker 2>pain as well that comes up and how when we

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<v Speaker 2>can't handle our mind and you know, it's spiraling. So

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<v Speaker 2>I went through that whole journey and then I felt

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<v Speaker 2>like I hit a second rock bottom in twenty seventeen.

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<v Speaker 2>So I had been in my relationship already for ten

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<v Speaker 2>years with my partner two boys. They were quite young

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<v Speaker 2>at the time, and I could just see my relationship

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<v Speaker 2>like going downhill, literally like sinking, and I felt like

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<v Speaker 2>I could do nothing to save it. I just felt

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<v Speaker 2>like I was going to lose everything that I had.

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<v Speaker 2>And it was so crazy because it was actually self sabotage.

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<v Speaker 2>I was self sabotaging my own relationship, but I was

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<v Speaker 2>on a sinking ship that I could not save, and

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<v Speaker 2>I had no idea how to save it. So when

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<v Speaker 2>I look back, I kind of wish I had someone

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<v Speaker 2>like what I've become for people at that time when

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<v Speaker 2>I was really struggling, and I didn't know I was

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<v Speaker 2>going to become that at that time. And the first

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<v Speaker 2>step into love coaching was actually inner child healing. So

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<v Speaker 2>that's where I began my journey through healing my own

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<v Speaker 2>inner child that was still struggling from loss and trauma

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<v Speaker 2>and abandonment. And as I did that, I was able

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<v Speaker 2>to actually heal my marriage and we've been together now

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<v Speaker 2>seventeen years. Boys are a lot older. And then I

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<v Speaker 2>was inspired to become a love and relationship coach so

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<v Speaker 2>that I could support other women that are struggling with

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<v Speaker 2>toxic relationships, with self sabotage and in that space where

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<v Speaker 2>they feel everything sinking and they don't know how to

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<v Speaker 2>get back out.

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<v Speaker 1>You know what's interesting, We love that word self sabotage

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<v Speaker 1>around here because that's my specialty. But a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>coaching doesn't seem to work. And I get like the

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<v Speaker 1>scraps of people who've been to therapy or coaching before,

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<v Speaker 1>sometimes for similar issues with relationships and stuff. And the

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<v Speaker 1>thing that other coaches that fail don't seem to get

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<v Speaker 1>is that the entire thing with coaching is you're dealing

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<v Speaker 1>with self sabotage. There's no in between. It's just all

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<v Speaker 1>self sabotaging behaviors. So I get other coaches that they're like,

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<v Speaker 1>self sabotage coach, What what's that? What that dude, I'm like,

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<v Speaker 1>you don't know.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, So I find that for like, self sabotage is

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<v Speaker 3>so strongly linked to inner child, right to our in

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<v Speaker 3>our childhood trauma, and it's really the root of the

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<v Speaker 3>behaviors that we see in our adulthoods.

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<v Speaker 2>So for me it was I was still say till today,

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<v Speaker 2>it was healing my inner child that saved my marriage.

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<v Speaker 2>That's what stopped the self sabotage, I.

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<v Speaker 1>Would agree there. So not to get too carried away

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<v Speaker 1>on that topic, but let's get a little bit of

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<v Speaker 1>a definition of a loving relationship. So in your experience,

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<v Speaker 1>what does a healthy love look like? And how can

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<v Speaker 1>you make a difference between a healthy love and toxic patterns?

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<v Speaker 2>H good question. So I think for the longest time,

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<v Speaker 2>I personally didn't even know what healthy love looks like

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<v Speaker 2>because we do not learn this in school. Nobody teaches

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<v Speaker 2>this to us. The only school we have is what

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<v Speaker 2>we see growing up, our environment and the relationships we

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<v Speaker 2>observe society, rom coms all that, right, that's what we

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<v Speaker 2>look to see, music that we listen to, and that

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<v Speaker 2>shapes really what we believe healthy love to be or

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<v Speaker 2>not be. And now that I'm in a space where

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<v Speaker 2>I am in healthy love, which I wasn't ten years ago.

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<v Speaker 2>I can say that it is interdependence where you can

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<v Speaker 2>be with each other, but you can also be without

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<v Speaker 2>each other. It is a relationship where you can communicate

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<v Speaker 2>your needs and your feelings, where you can be able

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<v Speaker 2>to each other, but also respect when that person's viewpoint

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<v Speaker 2>of something is not your viewpoint, to be able to

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<v Speaker 2>meet them halfway, to know that we're not here to

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<v Speaker 2>fix each other. We're here as to just see each

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<v Speaker 2>other through. Like you are going to trigger me in

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<v Speaker 2>a nasty way, and I'm going to trigger you in

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<v Speaker 2>a nasty way. But if we are willing to see

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<v Speaker 2>each other there and grow together, that is what healthy

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<v Speaker 2>love is, right, Like, It's not about getting rid of

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<v Speaker 2>all your triggers and your challenges that come in the relationship.

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<v Speaker 2>It's that, Okay, this is a hard thing for you

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<v Speaker 2>and that's a hard thing for me, and we're going

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<v Speaker 2>to work together. Like I think it's Mary and Willmanson

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<v Speaker 2>who says that. Imagine you see, like you know a

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<v Speaker 2>person and they're having a hard time and they're your partner,

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<v Speaker 2>and you literally just like are like you're disgusting for

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<v Speaker 2>that and you push them away because they're having a

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<v Speaker 2>right time. And I think healthy love is being able

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<v Speaker 2>to see that person having a hard time and see

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<v Speaker 2>them through it and be there, but at the same

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<v Speaker 2>time also protect your space, have your boundaries, and be

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<v Speaker 2>able to make sure that you are taking care of you,

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<v Speaker 2>because if you take care of you, the rest will

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<v Speaker 2>take care be taken care of. But the minute you

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<v Speaker 2>stop taking care of you, that's when the relationship begins

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<v Speaker 2>to feel resentful and burnout and gets overwhelmed.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, So along with that, what are the most common

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<v Speaker 1>challenges that you think couples face in today's relationships and

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<v Speaker 1>how can they overcome them.

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<v Speaker 2>I think it's the challenge of you know, not really

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<v Speaker 2>expressing their needs right, so wanting to make the other

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<v Speaker 2>person happy all the time, which is just like you're

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<v Speaker 2>never going to meet that expectation. And when you are

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<v Speaker 2>so focused on making the other person happy, you are

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<v Speaker 2>not actually checking in with yourself and see what's making

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<v Speaker 2>you happy, like how you're actually evolving as a human

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<v Speaker 2>as well. So that would be one challenge is we

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<v Speaker 2>feel like we get into a relationship to make that

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<v Speaker 2>person happy. Another one is that when we go through conflict,

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<v Speaker 2>we engage in self sabotaging behaviors like withdraw, like blame,

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<v Speaker 2>shame game, and we go through our nervous system responses. Right,

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<v Speaker 2>so if we're fight, we're going to like, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>get very reactive, which was my self sabotaging pattern. Or

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<v Speaker 2>for my partner, it was like he would withdraw from

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<v Speaker 2>me and not talk for days. Or also he would

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<v Speaker 2>fawn and he would try to please in the conversation

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<v Speaker 2>and then that wouldn't really be what he wanted, so

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<v Speaker 2>he would hold on to the resentment. So we move

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<v Speaker 2>from these nervous system patterns that are innately who we

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<v Speaker 2>are as humans, and we all have them, but we

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<v Speaker 2>don't actually grow out of them, Like we don't understand

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<v Speaker 2>each other's patterns. We don't take the time to understand

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<v Speaker 2>each other's patterns.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I agree with you because a lot of advice

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<v Speaker 1>that I've given as well is like anytime you feel stressed,

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<v Speaker 1>that's you have to say stop and you have to

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<v Speaker 1>start watching your thoughts and watching your behaviors because that's

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<v Speaker 1>when you're going to self sabotage. Am I correct?

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, And then you're going to spiral in like a

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<v Speaker 2>nast story right, Like I've seen this with a lot

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<v Speaker 2>of my clients do where they go into this really

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<v Speaker 2>negative place about their partner and then they get stuck

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<v Speaker 2>in the story. And it's the story that creates the resentment,

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<v Speaker 2>and it's a story that like you know, fosters the

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<v Speaker 2>anger and then they I think another thing is like

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of us, we keep like trying to win

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<v Speaker 2>in an argument, and we keep trying to go when

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<v Speaker 2>we're already dysregulated. We keep trying to go, go, go

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<v Speaker 2>and find a solution. But so your prefount of cortex

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<v Speaker 2>is already switched off at that point, right, you're you know,

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<v Speaker 2>like the one that cut your brain, that comes up

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<v Speaker 2>with consequences and can handle problems. So if you're so disregulated,

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<v Speaker 2>why are we still communicating about this? And so for

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<v Speaker 2>from someone like me who had, you know, is recovering

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<v Speaker 2>abandonment wound, if my partner were to, you know, say

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<v Speaker 2>I don't want to talk right now, like in the

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<v Speaker 2>abandonment wound recovery, it would be like, oh my gosh,

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<v Speaker 2>he hates me. It's pushing me away, this is going

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<v Speaker 2>to end. This is the end of our relationship. It's done.

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<v Speaker 2>And then everyone has a different wound that they're coming from.

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<v Speaker 2>So you have to understand what your wounds are and

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<v Speaker 2>understand what is important for your unique relationship and when

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<v Speaker 2>to walk away and what to be telling yourself when

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<v Speaker 2>you walk away.

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<v Speaker 1>Right, And it's also important to tell the other person,

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<v Speaker 1>hold on, something's coming up. I'm stressed, and I know

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<v Speaker 1>that I'm not going to have healthy patterns that come

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<v Speaker 1>out automatically here now, So I need to figure out

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<v Speaker 1>what's happening when. We could talk about that if you

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<v Speaker 1>want to write. So yeah, with that, we get into

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<v Speaker 1>the role of communication. How crucial is communication and relationships?

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<v Speaker 1>And what are some practical tips that you can give

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<v Speaker 1>for improving communication between partners?

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<v Speaker 2>So I think research shows it's like ninety percent or

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<v Speaker 2>something along those lines. Don't quote me that communication is

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<v Speaker 2>what breaks relationships, right, and so there's very various layers

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<v Speaker 2>of it. One thing I could say, if like we're

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<v Speaker 2>gonna get nitty gritting with tips, is that which really

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<v Speaker 2>helped myself and my clients on my journey is using

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<v Speaker 2>I feel and I need statements, not it makes me feel.

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<v Speaker 2>I feel.

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<v Speaker 1>That's it.

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<v Speaker 2>I feel X and I need y, Right, So you're

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<v Speaker 2>really just meeting your partner where you're at. Where I

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<v Speaker 2>think a lot of communication goes wrong is we expect

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<v Speaker 2>the person to sort of know what we feel and

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<v Speaker 2>know what we need without actually being very clear and

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<v Speaker 2>specific and telling them. And so then when we're communicating

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<v Speaker 2>a boundary, for example, we're expecting our partner to know,

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<v Speaker 2>but actually they don't know. Your partner's never going to

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<v Speaker 2>be a mind reader, so you must actually be very

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<v Speaker 2>specific with what you need. And I find for like men,

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<v Speaker 2>they are a lot more specific, and for women we

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<v Speaker 2>sort of just meandered. Our brain works different and we

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<v Speaker 2>go around, you know, the bend and around the garden,

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<v Speaker 2>and we think that our partner should know, but like,

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<v Speaker 2>just stop believing he knows. He doesn't be as specific

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<v Speaker 2>as you can, state your feeling, state your need. And

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<v Speaker 2>if you notice that you're communicating from blame, which I

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<v Speaker 2>that was my one of my toxic patterns. Blame was

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<v Speaker 2>a big thing, you're already justsregulated. Like the only thing

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<v Speaker 2>you need to do is get out of that situation,

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<v Speaker 2>because anything in that situation is going to become very

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<v Speaker 2>nasty and actually create more distance between you two as well.

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<v Speaker 2>So I love, I feel, I need I also like

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<v Speaker 2>one that I'm going to use tonight because I have

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<v Speaker 2>a Monday night catch up with my partner, or every Monday,

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<v Speaker 2>regardless of how tired we are, what's been going, god,

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<v Speaker 2>how late it is, we catch up, we decide what's

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<v Speaker 2>working well on what we need support on that week.

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<v Speaker 2>And I've listed a few things that I need to

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<v Speaker 2>discuss with him, and one of them is going to

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<v Speaker 2>be in an ideal world, this is what's supporting me,

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<v Speaker 2>Like this would look like this week in an ideal world.

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<v Speaker 2>So this is my ideal world. And then he gets

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<v Speaker 2>to say what his ideal world is and we can

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<v Speaker 2>hopefully through that find some compromise and some support through

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<v Speaker 2>the way.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I'm really loving what you're saying. My partner and

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<v Speaker 1>I have a relationship similar to that, where every single

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<v Speaker 1>night we just recap everything that happened throughout the day,

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<v Speaker 1>how we fell, who said well, who did well. And

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<v Speaker 1>I think a lot of that's what's missing from society

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<v Speaker 1>today in general, because everyone is so reactive, right, and

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<v Speaker 1>I think a lot of that comes down to not

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<v Speaker 1>knowing what self respect means, because you can't give someone

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<v Speaker 1>what you don't have, and then also knowing that disagreements

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<v Speaker 1>are normal and that people are going to have differences,

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<v Speaker 1>and that differences should actually make you stronger rather than weaker. Right, absolutely, Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>So what would your advice be for handling conflict in

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<v Speaker 1>a way that strengthens the relationship rather than creating more

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<v Speaker 1>issues and more distance.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, a few things, like when you go into a

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<v Speaker 2>situation with your partner believing that you need to win

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<v Speaker 2>the argument, I don't think you think it. You're not

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<v Speaker 2>thinking I have to win, Like, that's not what you're thinking.

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<v Speaker 2>But you're going to have the last word. I want

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<v Speaker 2>to make sure that you say what you need to

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<v Speaker 2>say and they understand it right. That can really allow

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<v Speaker 2>conflict to go to a different level that can be

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<v Speaker 2>very toxic for your relationship. So what I love and

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<v Speaker 2>when it comes to conflict is always have the most

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<v Speaker 2>generous interpretation of your partner. I call it MGI always

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<v Speaker 2>have the most generous interpretation. Right, So you don't know

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<v Speaker 2>what their day was like, you don't know what's going on,

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<v Speaker 2>you don't know what childhood trauma you've just clicked on

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<v Speaker 2>or touched in that moment. So if you can be

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<v Speaker 2>have the most generous interpretation versus the least generous, and

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<v Speaker 2>you can even like ask yourself, what is my least

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<v Speaker 2>generous interpretation of this person right now? Like, for example,

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<v Speaker 2>my partner was just late coming home and he knew

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<v Speaker 2>that I had this, you know, espessionally, it's like this

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<v Speaker 2>podcast agree with you, And the most generous interpretation is that,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, he was just late, like he's having a

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<v Speaker 2>hard time, he's doing his best, he's trying to get here.

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<v Speaker 2>The least generous interpretation would have been, how could you

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<v Speaker 2>do this? What?

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<v Speaker 4>You know?

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<v Speaker 2>He knew that I had this going on and the

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<v Speaker 2>kids aren't in bed yet and now they're going to

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<v Speaker 2>go to bed late, and you know that that would

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<v Speaker 2>have been the old me who have had that narrative.

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<v Speaker 2>So I love MGI for working with conflict. And again,

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<v Speaker 2>as you touched on, conflict is normal. There is nothing

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<v Speaker 2>wrong with it. Now, if you didn't see people you

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<v Speaker 2>grew up with having conflict that got repaired, or like

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<v Speaker 2>having conflict in getting through it and being okay and

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<v Speaker 2>still you know, surviving as a couple, you're not going

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<v Speaker 2>to think it's normal if you're if you were in conflict,

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<v Speaker 2>if you didn't see it wrong. So it's important to

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<v Speaker 2>understand that just because you didn't see it doesn't mean

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<v Speaker 2>it's not normal. And we have to normalize conflict because

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<v Speaker 2>two people are not going to get along all the time.

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<v Speaker 2>Just like when you're growing up with your siblings. It's

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<v Speaker 2>not like you got along all the time. You fought

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<v Speaker 2>and then you made up. That was part of, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>the reality of life. And another thing I love with

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<v Speaker 2>conflict that I use with my partner and my boys

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<v Speaker 2>all the time is the concept of repair, which you

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00:15:52.360 --> 00:15:55.679
<v Speaker 2>may have heard of, right, So, no matter what happens

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<v Speaker 2>at the end of the day, as you come out

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<v Speaker 2>of that, you have this opportunity to work pair and

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<v Speaker 2>that goes like I did X or I said why

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<v Speaker 2>that may have made you feel sad or angry or disappointed,

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<v Speaker 2>whatever you thought, it made them feel that was not okay,

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<v Speaker 2>and I would like to do something to make it up.

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<v Speaker 2>And you don't always have to make it up, but

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<v Speaker 2>that's generally like the rhythm of the repair. So repair

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<v Speaker 2>is a great way to come back to each other

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<v Speaker 2>and reconnect after conflict has brought disconnection to the relationship,

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<v Speaker 2>and conflict is just part of being human. Like I

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<v Speaker 2>don't think how like how fun would it be if

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<v Speaker 2>you're always in a relationship where everything was always okay

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<v Speaker 2>and butterflies and rainbows, Like, it's so unrealistic. We're people

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<v Speaker 2>at the end of the day, and you're going to

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<v Speaker 2>hit on your trigger points as a couple, Like it's

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<v Speaker 2>just normal. You're going to be tired one day, you're

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<v Speaker 2>going to be hungry, You're going to disagree. You know,

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<v Speaker 2>you might not have the same values or viewpoints on

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<v Speaker 2>certain things, and we're always going to fight for our values.

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<v Speaker 2>Right when it comes to our values, we're going to

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<v Speaker 2>go straight for them. So it's being opened to the

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<v Speaker 2>fact that different viewpoints. You can see, you know, you

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<v Speaker 2>can see a trip that we're taking to. Let's now

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<v Speaker 2>I'm going to tailand recently soon, so the trips that

335
00:17:09.519 --> 00:17:12.839
<v Speaker 2>we're doing in Taialent, you could prioritize, you know, resting more,

336
00:17:13.039 --> 00:17:16.079
<v Speaker 2>and I want to prioritize sight seeing. And that's what

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00:17:16.160 --> 00:17:18.839
<v Speaker 2>you value in that moment, that's what I value. And

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<v Speaker 2>we can respect each other's values for suspiding about them

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<v Speaker 2>and then find about.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, yeah, so let's move on to a big hairy

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<v Speaker 1>gorilla in the room. I get a lot of complaints

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<v Speaker 1>about modern dating, and you know they I can't find

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<v Speaker 1>somebody to love me. First of all, what do you expect?

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<v Speaker 1>You're swiping on a screen, so you don't really have

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<v Speaker 1>any real connection with the person to begin with. But

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<v Speaker 1>I'll ask you this question. In the age of online dating,

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<v Speaker 1>what are some of the biggest mistakes you see people

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<v Speaker 1>making when looking for love?

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<v Speaker 2>H There's quite a few, Okay. I think that when

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<v Speaker 2>it comes to online dating, we get and like you said,

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<v Speaker 2>because it's on a screen, I feel like we get

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<v Speaker 2>really absorbed in the superficial part of it. You know,

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<v Speaker 2>how much money they're making, their picture, the words they

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00:18:22.519 --> 00:18:24.480
<v Speaker 2>put on it, and we forget about what is your

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<v Speaker 2>intention here? What is your intention as you come into

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<v Speaker 2>this experience. This is what I do with a lot

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<v Speaker 2>of my clients in the dating world, is we look

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<v Speaker 2>at what their intention is to even be on the app.

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<v Speaker 2>And what I've noticed is some of them just want

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<v Speaker 2>to intend to communicate stronger because it didn't you know,

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<v Speaker 2>That's something that they're working on. Some of them want

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<v Speaker 2>to intend to set more boundaries. Others want to, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>just be open to meeting different people and being open

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<v Speaker 2>to love coming in different ways. And those are great intentions.

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<v Speaker 2>But when you go into it to be like I

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<v Speaker 2>need to meet my person before July twenty twenty five

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<v Speaker 2>and that's the only reason I'm here, you are doomed

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<v Speaker 2>to fail. It's not going to work because whatever intention

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<v Speaker 2>you put into it is going to you know, be

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<v Speaker 2>sent back to you, right. Like it's like the law

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<v Speaker 2>of I think it's the law of mirrors, right where

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<v Speaker 2>whatever is you're reflecting here, you kind of then get

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<v Speaker 2>it reflected back at you. So if you're reflecting urgency

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<v Speaker 2>and you know, I'm this age and I need to

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<v Speaker 2>meet somebody and this person has to have this much

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<v Speaker 2>money and they have to be doing this job, and

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<v Speaker 2>you're putting everything into a box, you're like, you're setting

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<v Speaker 2>yourself up for suffering. So that would be a huge tip.

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<v Speaker 2>Is that checking your intention? Why are you on that app?

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<v Speaker 2>Why are you swiping? You know, be present, be like,

381
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<v Speaker 2>take a minute to check in with yourself and don't

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<v Speaker 2>just open the app and swipe like and not have

383
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<v Speaker 2>any you know, actual awareness to what you're doing. Absurd

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<v Speaker 2>way to meet people. I love them for that, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>like I think that it's I've seen so many thirty

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<v Speaker 2>three percent of marriages come from apps that people meeting

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<v Speaker 2>on dating apps. It's a good percentage of people. I

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00:20:01.799 --> 00:20:03.400
<v Speaker 2>know people that have met on apps that have had

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<v Speaker 2>successful relationships and have successful marriages. So it's not that

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<v Speaker 2>that's not a great way to meet somebody. But also

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00:20:09.519 --> 00:20:11.839
<v Speaker 2>be open to dating in person too. Don't rely on

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<v Speaker 2>the app to do everything for you. So be open

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<v Speaker 2>to meeting people and telling people that you want to

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<v Speaker 2>meet somebody. I'd love to be introduced. You know, like

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of us have a lot of shame about

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<v Speaker 2>that that I can't say that I want to be introduced,

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<v Speaker 2>and you know, it doesn't look good if I'm vocal

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<v Speaker 2>about it. But why why doesn't it look good if

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<v Speaker 2>it is where you are, own where you are, and

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<v Speaker 2>show up from.

401
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<v Speaker 1>That, right, So just watch your rejection of expectations onto people,

402
00:20:39.400 --> 00:20:40.799
<v Speaker 1>I guess is what you're saying, right.

403
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<v Speaker 2>Absolutely, and just whatever we're talking about when it comes

404
00:20:44.759 --> 00:20:48.240
<v Speaker 2>to relationships, it actually really much applies to dating as well,

405
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<v Speaker 2>because if you are coming from a fear that you're

406
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<v Speaker 2>going to get hurt, you are going to attract a

407
00:20:53.720 --> 00:20:56.880
<v Speaker 2>partner that hurts you. They will meet you at the

408
00:20:56.960 --> 00:21:00.680
<v Speaker 2>same level that's happening inside, right, you're coming from a

409
00:21:00.759 --> 00:21:03.279
<v Speaker 2>hear that you're going to experience, you know, betrayal or

410
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<v Speaker 2>someone's going to cheat on you. You're likely going to attract

411
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<v Speaker 2>a partner that's going to cheat on So you're always

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00:21:08.359 --> 00:21:10.839
<v Speaker 2>a mirror. And if you see this happening repetitive, you

413
00:21:10.960 --> 00:21:14.240
<v Speaker 2>notice that you're attracting similar types of people. You need

414
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<v Speaker 2>to check that in yourself. Be willing to look inside

415
00:21:17.279 --> 00:21:20.079
<v Speaker 2>you and figure out what energy is happening here, what

416
00:21:20.160 --> 00:21:23.039
<v Speaker 2>healing needs to be done that you haven't done that

417
00:21:23.160 --> 00:21:27.079
<v Speaker 2>is getting you in the same boat, same situation. You know,

418
00:21:27.160 --> 00:21:30.079
<v Speaker 2>person after persons, Why after swipe, because then that's a

419
00:21:30.119 --> 00:21:33.000
<v Speaker 2>you problem. I hate to say that, but it is.

420
00:21:33.400 --> 00:21:38.160
<v Speaker 1>People need to hear that because the number one tool

421
00:21:38.240 --> 00:21:44.279
<v Speaker 1>that we have in any growth oriented situation is personal responsibility.

422
00:21:44.640 --> 00:21:46.400
<v Speaker 1>You can't get away from there, am I correct?

423
00:21:47.319 --> 00:21:51.039
<v Speaker 2>Yeah? And we have to learn you know, what part

424
00:21:51.079 --> 00:21:54.119
<v Speaker 2>am I playing in the situation? And if I keep

425
00:21:54.160 --> 00:21:57.920
<v Speaker 2>getting the same reality shown to me, then why am

426
00:21:58.000 --> 00:22:01.480
<v Speaker 2>I not looking within to create change? Why am I

427
00:22:01.920 --> 00:22:03.480
<v Speaker 2>scared to look within? You know? And I had to

428
00:22:03.559 --> 00:22:05.240
<v Speaker 2>do that in my own dating journey. I was here

429
00:22:05.240 --> 00:22:08.359
<v Speaker 2>in Dubai and I just arrived and I'd been through

430
00:22:08.400 --> 00:22:10.720
<v Speaker 2>a relationship and it was heartbreak and it was really hard,

431
00:22:11.359 --> 00:22:14.079
<v Speaker 2>and I had my walls, like my guard, so far

432
00:22:14.240 --> 00:22:16.880
<v Speaker 2>up that nobody could get past that. So I kept

433
00:22:16.920 --> 00:22:20.160
<v Speaker 2>meeting partners who either didn't live here or were just

434
00:22:20.200 --> 00:22:22.519
<v Speaker 2>not willing to commit. And the moment that I got

435
00:22:22.519 --> 00:22:24.839
<v Speaker 2>real with myself and I said, well, what's coming up

436
00:22:24.880 --> 00:22:27.880
<v Speaker 2>for you? And I remember I was standing on my balcony.

437
00:22:27.920 --> 00:22:31.039
<v Speaker 2>It was November, beautiful weather out here, looking out all

438
00:22:31.039 --> 00:22:34.559
<v Speaker 2>the lights in Dubai, and I said, what's going on here?

439
00:22:34.599 --> 00:22:36.319
<v Speaker 2>And I said, you're afraid to get hurt because you've

440
00:22:36.359 --> 00:22:38.839
<v Speaker 2>been hurt before. So admitting that was a huge thing.

441
00:22:39.200 --> 00:22:42.440
<v Speaker 2>I actually think that eighty percent of us dating are

442
00:22:42.480 --> 00:22:45.000
<v Speaker 2>afraid to get hurt. I mean it makes sense even

443
00:22:45.039 --> 00:22:47.519
<v Speaker 2>a relationship, you could have that fear, right, But if

444
00:22:47.559 --> 00:22:50.200
<v Speaker 2>you don't admit what your fear is, whatever it is,

445
00:22:50.680 --> 00:22:55.119
<v Speaker 2>you will continue to meet people who actually perpetuate that fear.

446
00:22:55.680 --> 00:22:58.400
<v Speaker 2>And so I noticed that, and within a month of

447
00:22:58.440 --> 00:23:02.319
<v Speaker 2>noticing that, I actually met my life. It's like all

448
00:23:02.359 --> 00:23:04.000
<v Speaker 2>I had to do is be aware of it. That's it.

449
00:23:04.160 --> 00:23:06.839
<v Speaker 2>And the minute I was aware of it, the energy

450
00:23:06.839 --> 00:23:09.960
<v Speaker 2>shifted for me. So stop pretending that you're not afraid

451
00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:12.279
<v Speaker 2>to get hurt, Stop pretending that you're going with the flow,

452
00:23:12.680 --> 00:23:15.640
<v Speaker 2>Stop pretending that you don't need a man, Stop pretending

453
00:23:15.680 --> 00:23:17.880
<v Speaker 2>that you're independent, and what would a man bring to

454
00:23:17.920 --> 00:23:20.920
<v Speaker 2>my life? All of this is very much clouting you

455
00:23:21.000 --> 00:23:23.000
<v Speaker 2>ever getting into a healthy relationship.

456
00:23:24.599 --> 00:23:27.079
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, just to cycle back to the whole dating apps

457
00:23:27.079 --> 00:23:31.599
<v Speaker 1>thing or apps in general, the internet is assessbol. There's

458
00:23:31.680 --> 00:23:34.119
<v Speaker 1>a lot of people out there on the Internet these

459
00:23:34.200 --> 00:23:38.039
<v Speaker 1>days that maybe in nineteen ninety two they were somewhere

460
00:23:38.079 --> 00:23:41.920
<v Speaker 1>in a basement like ah, you know, like just freaking

461
00:23:41.920 --> 00:23:44.400
<v Speaker 1>out or something like. There's a lot of crazies out there.

462
00:23:44.400 --> 00:23:48.559
<v Speaker 1>There's a lot of users, abusers, unhealed people that actually

463
00:23:48.599 --> 00:23:52.599
<v Speaker 1>have no intention of changing themselves. They're looking for someone

464
00:23:52.599 --> 00:23:55.799
<v Speaker 1>that they can control, manipulate, et cetera, et cetera. So

465
00:23:55.880 --> 00:23:58.359
<v Speaker 1>that takes us into the territory of red flags and

466
00:23:58.440 --> 00:24:04.440
<v Speaker 1>green flags. Right, So, what are some subtle but important

467
00:24:04.480 --> 00:24:06.920
<v Speaker 1>red flags that people should watch out for early in

468
00:24:06.920 --> 00:24:11.559
<v Speaker 1>a relationship, whether you met them organically or online. And

469
00:24:11.559 --> 00:24:14.319
<v Speaker 1>then you can also give me some green flags because

470
00:24:14.359 --> 00:24:16.920
<v Speaker 1>I'm saying this because when people come to me for

471
00:24:17.000 --> 00:24:20.559
<v Speaker 1>relationship help and they can't find a partner, I usually

472
00:24:20.559 --> 00:24:24.599
<v Speaker 1>tell them write a long list, right, like sixty things

473
00:24:24.640 --> 00:24:28.359
<v Speaker 1>for starters of values and things that you're looking for

474
00:24:28.400 --> 00:24:30.599
<v Speaker 1>any other person, and make sure that you are that first.

475
00:24:30.960 --> 00:24:33.480
<v Speaker 1>Otherwise you're just attracting garbage and you don't know why

476
00:24:33.480 --> 00:24:35.000
<v Speaker 1>you're attracting garbage. Right.

477
00:24:35.640 --> 00:24:38.359
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, that's the long mirrors, right, That's exactly what it says,

478
00:24:38.359 --> 00:24:40.079
<v Speaker 2>you attract ads to what you want.

479
00:24:43.640 --> 00:24:46.519
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, so let's go through some red flags and green flags.

480
00:24:47.119 --> 00:24:49.880
<v Speaker 2>I literally have a dating checklist that I have on

481
00:24:49.880 --> 00:24:53.000
<v Speaker 2>my website and then who One can download and it

482
00:24:53.039 --> 00:24:55.720
<v Speaker 2>helps you catch all these things. So I can definitely

483
00:24:55.720 --> 00:24:56.359
<v Speaker 2>share that with you.

484
00:24:56.799 --> 00:24:57.160
<v Speaker 1>Perfect.

485
00:24:57.319 --> 00:25:02.440
<v Speaker 2>So a red flag would be if somebody doesn't ask

486
00:25:02.480 --> 00:25:05.119
<v Speaker 2>you any questions about yourself, Like they don't ask you

487
00:25:05.200 --> 00:25:08.039
<v Speaker 2>questions I don't want to know. You know, you're asking questions,

488
00:25:08.039 --> 00:25:10.960
<v Speaker 2>you're getting to know them, and they're not really reciprocating that.

489
00:25:10.960 --> 00:25:13.079
<v Speaker 2>That's a red flag. I think in any relationship, that's

490
00:25:13.079 --> 00:25:16.480
<v Speaker 2>a red flag. Yeah, somebody you're intimately involved with or

491
00:25:16.519 --> 00:25:18.880
<v Speaker 2>even a friend, right, So that would be the first one.

492
00:25:19.519 --> 00:25:22.960
<v Speaker 2>A second one is I feel like this is a

493
00:25:23.000 --> 00:25:27.400
<v Speaker 2>subtle one. We're especially for the apps where you're constantly chatting,

494
00:25:27.440 --> 00:25:31.279
<v Speaker 2>but the person doesn't take initiative or doesn't respond to

495
00:25:31.359 --> 00:25:35.000
<v Speaker 2>your initiative to meet up, to actually meet in person,

496
00:25:35.480 --> 00:25:37.799
<v Speaker 2>or even to have a phone call like not a text,

497
00:25:37.960 --> 00:25:40.839
<v Speaker 2>not a WhatsApp, but an actual phone call, like old

498
00:25:40.839 --> 00:25:43.119
<v Speaker 2>school style, you know, in the day. So that would

499
00:25:43.160 --> 00:25:45.720
<v Speaker 2>be important too, Like are you guys just chatting for

500
00:25:45.759 --> 00:25:48.960
<v Speaker 2>a month? Is that what's happening here? Or is there

501
00:25:49.039 --> 00:25:52.559
<v Speaker 2>some sort of you know, movement forward, because if there's

502
00:25:52.599 --> 00:25:55.519
<v Speaker 2>no movement forward, this is likely a sinking ship anywhay.

503
00:25:56.599 --> 00:25:58.599
<v Speaker 2>And so they, you know, are they making the effort?

504
00:25:58.599 --> 00:26:01.599
<v Speaker 2>Are you making the effort? Of course, you know, checking

505
00:26:01.640 --> 00:26:03.559
<v Speaker 2>in with the right questions that I find a lot

506
00:26:03.599 --> 00:26:05.480
<v Speaker 2>of people will say, oh, well, are you looking for

507
00:26:05.519 --> 00:26:07.640
<v Speaker 2>a relationship? And people will say, yes, I am, But

508
00:26:07.680 --> 00:26:09.839
<v Speaker 2>then that doesn't always mean it's true. So I think

509
00:26:09.880 --> 00:26:14.079
<v Speaker 2>that question doesn't hold as much as it used to hold,

510
00:26:14.200 --> 00:26:17.519
<v Speaker 2>you know, maybe back even before ask so I would

511
00:26:17.519 --> 00:26:19.119
<v Speaker 2>get serious and ask them like, well, what did you

512
00:26:19.240 --> 00:26:22.000
<v Speaker 2>learn about If you're already at that stage of talking

513
00:26:22.000 --> 00:26:24.599
<v Speaker 2>and you've been talking a while, what did you learn

514
00:26:25.279 --> 00:26:30.519
<v Speaker 2>from your last relationship? What did you learn about yourself,

515
00:26:31.000 --> 00:26:34.000
<v Speaker 2>about your partner, about what kind of partner you are, right,

516
00:26:35.480 --> 00:26:40.599
<v Speaker 2>what is the challenge that you've been through that you overcame? Like,

517
00:26:40.680 --> 00:26:42.519
<v Speaker 2>are they willing to get vulnerable with you? Are they

518
00:26:42.559 --> 00:26:44.880
<v Speaker 2>willing to share a part of their story or part

519
00:26:44.880 --> 00:26:48.119
<v Speaker 2>of their life? And you will always see if someone

520
00:26:48.200 --> 00:26:50.119
<v Speaker 2>is willing to share it or if we're going to

521
00:26:50.279 --> 00:26:53.359
<v Speaker 2>just you know, dodge that question and go it right

522
00:26:53.480 --> 00:26:56.880
<v Speaker 2>somewhere else. Additionally, what I love to say to women is,

523
00:26:57.680 --> 00:26:59.359
<v Speaker 2>and this really helps you when it comes to the

524
00:26:59.400 --> 00:27:05.519
<v Speaker 2>possibility attracting a narcissist, is if you notice that somebody

525
00:27:05.559 --> 00:27:07.559
<v Speaker 2>is being a little pushy, or they say something that

526
00:27:07.720 --> 00:27:10.319
<v Speaker 2>doesn't feel good for you, or they make reference to

527
00:27:10.680 --> 00:27:13.359
<v Speaker 2>wanting to see a picture of you or sexual references

528
00:27:13.440 --> 00:27:17.000
<v Speaker 2>or whatever it is, set a boundary. You do not

529
00:27:17.079 --> 00:27:19.279
<v Speaker 2>need to please this person you just met a minute

530
00:27:19.279 --> 00:27:22.640
<v Speaker 2>ago or five days ago. Set a boundary, and if

531
00:27:22.680 --> 00:27:26.599
<v Speaker 2>they respect your boundary, that's a green flag. But if

532
00:27:26.640 --> 00:27:30.720
<v Speaker 2>they don't, that's a And that's how you can avoid

533
00:27:30.960 --> 00:27:35.400
<v Speaker 2>dating a narcissism, because a narciss will unlikely ever you're

534
00:27:36.599 --> 00:27:38.720
<v Speaker 2>Another concept that comes up is someone who comes on

535
00:27:38.839 --> 00:27:41.119
<v Speaker 2>too strong, so that can be a bit of a

536
00:27:41.160 --> 00:27:44.400
<v Speaker 2>red flag as well, Like making plans to go on

537
00:27:44.440 --> 00:27:47.000
<v Speaker 2>a trip, hasn't known you that long. They call it

538
00:27:47.000 --> 00:27:51.519
<v Speaker 2>love bombing, right, or like you know, sending you numerous gifts,

539
00:27:51.720 --> 00:27:54.319
<v Speaker 2>or just like calling you fifty times a day. I

540
00:27:54.359 --> 00:27:56.519
<v Speaker 2>mean maybe not fifty, but even five times a day.

541
00:27:56.920 --> 00:28:01.799
<v Speaker 2>That is a red flag, right, Somebody who's like racing

542
00:28:01.880 --> 00:28:04.640
<v Speaker 2>down the pace and giving you everything you want to

543
00:28:04.680 --> 00:28:07.319
<v Speaker 2>hear and telling you everything that is like a dream.

544
00:28:07.880 --> 00:28:12.599
<v Speaker 2>It's likely a dream, it's not the reality. So I

545
00:28:12.599 --> 00:28:13.359
<v Speaker 2>hope that's helpful.

546
00:28:14.839 --> 00:28:17.000
<v Speaker 1>I would add to that list, like anybody that just

547
00:28:17.160 --> 00:28:18.400
<v Speaker 1>starts sending you nudes.

548
00:28:19.119 --> 00:28:22.359
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god, we don't see that too much out here,

549
00:28:22.400 --> 00:28:25.839
<v Speaker 2>but yeah, I can imagine and that in other places

550
00:28:25.839 --> 00:28:28.160
<v Speaker 2>that would be a huge red FuG Well.

551
00:28:28.160 --> 00:28:31.599
<v Speaker 1>I won't go into why I said that, but I

552
00:28:31.640 --> 00:28:34.480
<v Speaker 1>know for a fact that that's happening, especially among teenagers

553
00:28:34.519 --> 00:28:37.799
<v Speaker 1>a lot in North American schools and stuff. They're just

554
00:28:38.400 --> 00:28:41.839
<v Speaker 1>jumping right from hello to sending nudes and stuff. And

555
00:28:41.920 --> 00:28:45.599
<v Speaker 1>then the kid, believe it or not, like sixteen seventeen

556
00:28:45.680 --> 00:28:47.839
<v Speaker 1>years old, turns out to be a narcissist and nut job,

557
00:28:47.880 --> 00:28:48.960
<v Speaker 1>a crazy stalker.

558
00:28:49.079 --> 00:28:49.279
<v Speaker 2>You know.

559
00:28:50.960 --> 00:28:53.559
<v Speaker 1>Nudes get released all over the school and when they

560
00:28:53.559 --> 00:28:55.000
<v Speaker 1>don't get their way and things like that.

561
00:28:56.200 --> 00:28:59.240
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I do believe it because narcissism would start in

562
00:29:00.119 --> 00:29:02.519
<v Speaker 2>you know, your childhood, we like you would, you would

563
00:29:02.519 --> 00:29:04.559
<v Speaker 2>be exposed to one already and that's how you've found

564
00:29:04.839 --> 00:29:09.720
<v Speaker 2>the behavior. Yeah, well any others, like I've got a

565
00:29:09.759 --> 00:29:12.480
<v Speaker 2>few different ones here. Just check that the person is

566
00:29:12.559 --> 00:29:16.720
<v Speaker 2>consistent with you. That's a green flag. Are they consistently messaging?

567
00:29:16.759 --> 00:29:20.279
<v Speaker 2>Are they consistently taking action to want to connect with you?

568
00:29:20.880 --> 00:29:23.480
<v Speaker 2>Or are they hot and cold? Do they come and go?

569
00:29:24.039 --> 00:29:27.200
<v Speaker 2>Do they make excuses like I was so busy or

570
00:29:27.319 --> 00:29:29.960
<v Speaker 2>you know, I had so much going on. I personally,

571
00:29:30.039 --> 00:29:33.160
<v Speaker 2>I think if you like somebody, you show up. You

572
00:29:33.200 --> 00:29:36.119
<v Speaker 2>don't have excuses. You can have a busy day, of course,

573
00:29:36.319 --> 00:29:38.480
<v Speaker 2>but you show up. You don't take five six days

574
00:29:38.519 --> 00:29:42.480
<v Speaker 2>where you don't talk to the person and then you've

575
00:29:42.480 --> 00:29:45.200
<v Speaker 2>probably heard like you know, do the words meet the actions?

576
00:29:45.200 --> 00:29:47.200
<v Speaker 2>If they say that they'd like to go on a date,

577
00:29:47.359 --> 00:29:49.720
<v Speaker 2>or have they asked? Have they planned to something? Is

578
00:29:50.279 --> 00:29:53.839
<v Speaker 2>something occurring? And for women, I you know, I find

579
00:29:53.839 --> 00:29:55.839
<v Speaker 2>that women and I think it's important to stay in

580
00:29:55.839 --> 00:30:00.240
<v Speaker 2>your feminine energy. But I also believe that if you

581
00:30:00.799 --> 00:30:03.519
<v Speaker 2>want to take an approach of like asking someone to

582
00:30:03.599 --> 00:30:06.119
<v Speaker 2>do something like, don't be scared if intuitively, if it's

583
00:30:06.160 --> 00:30:09.160
<v Speaker 2>coming up for you, if you find intuitively that you

584
00:30:09.240 --> 00:30:11.720
<v Speaker 2>want to be like, Okay, I'm free on Friday or

585
00:30:11.759 --> 00:30:14.200
<v Speaker 2>I'm free this weekend, let's hang out. That's okay for

586
00:30:14.279 --> 00:30:16.200
<v Speaker 2>you to take that first step, as long as they

587
00:30:16.240 --> 00:30:18.279
<v Speaker 2>meet you on the other side, and it's not always

588
00:30:18.319 --> 00:30:19.359
<v Speaker 2>you taking that step.

589
00:30:22.400 --> 00:30:26.240
<v Speaker 1>Okay, great, so let's fast forward here, you found somebody,

590
00:30:26.839 --> 00:30:30.839
<v Speaker 1>everything is going good. How do couples maintain intimacy and

591
00:30:30.920 --> 00:30:35.200
<v Speaker 1>excitement over a long period of time, especially after that

592
00:30:35.240 --> 00:30:37.000
<v Speaker 1>honeymoon phase comes to an end.

593
00:30:38.480 --> 00:30:43.200
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I mean so I've personally seen my marriage go

594
00:30:43.359 --> 00:30:47.200
<v Speaker 2>from a passionate one to a sex list one. So

595
00:30:48.079 --> 00:30:50.720
<v Speaker 2>in terms of like, you know, physical intimacy, that was

596
00:30:50.720 --> 00:30:53.119
<v Speaker 2>really hard to see because everything was there in the

597
00:30:53.160 --> 00:30:56.640
<v Speaker 2>beginning and we're seventeen years in now, right, so a

598
00:30:56.680 --> 00:30:59.319
<v Speaker 2>lot of like the stigma is like, oh, well, you know,

599
00:30:59.400 --> 00:31:01.839
<v Speaker 2>of course that's fade over time. But now that we're

600
00:31:01.880 --> 00:31:04.519
<v Speaker 2>back to a passionately, you know, intimate relationship, I don't

601
00:31:04.559 --> 00:31:09.480
<v Speaker 2>believe that. I believe that it's important to always advocate

602
00:31:09.759 --> 00:31:13.039
<v Speaker 2>for what intimacy means to you. The intimacy can come

603
00:31:13.119 --> 00:31:17.039
<v Speaker 2>up physically, it can come up emotionally, mentally, whatever it is.

604
00:31:17.400 --> 00:31:21.279
<v Speaker 2>But if you feel that you need intimacy to you,

605
00:31:21.400 --> 00:31:23.480
<v Speaker 2>is a quality conversation like the one you were saying

606
00:31:23.480 --> 00:31:26.799
<v Speaker 2>that you have with your wife before your partner, before bed, right,

607
00:31:26.960 --> 00:31:30.480
<v Speaker 2>that's a quality conversation that you have together that is intimacy.

608
00:31:30.480 --> 00:31:33.920
<v Speaker 2>And if that matters to you, then make sure you're

609
00:31:33.960 --> 00:31:37.680
<v Speaker 2>doing it. Make sure you guys are committed to For us,

610
00:31:37.720 --> 00:31:40.519
<v Speaker 2>it's just Monday nights. For you guys, it's every night. Right,

611
00:31:40.839 --> 00:31:43.680
<v Speaker 2>Make sure you stay committed and consistent with one thing

612
00:31:43.680 --> 00:31:48.039
<v Speaker 2>in your relationship and try to do something together, like

613
00:31:48.079 --> 00:31:52.400
<v Speaker 2>whether it's you know, I don't know, going to a bookstore,

614
00:31:52.599 --> 00:31:55.119
<v Speaker 2>reading the same book or whatever it is, like, try

615
00:31:55.119 --> 00:31:59.799
<v Speaker 2>to have something in common that keeps the relationship having

616
00:32:00.119 --> 00:32:01.920
<v Speaker 2>in you know, new things to talk about.

617
00:32:02.319 --> 00:32:02.599
<v Speaker 1>Right.

618
00:32:03.160 --> 00:32:04.920
<v Speaker 2>So that would be another thing that I think is

619
00:32:04.960 --> 00:32:09.400
<v Speaker 2>really important when it comes to emotional intimacy. Knowing that

620
00:32:10.319 --> 00:32:13.440
<v Speaker 2>if you're feeling distant from your partner and you want

621
00:32:13.480 --> 00:32:16.359
<v Speaker 2>to avoid it, and you want to distract yourself and

622
00:32:16.400 --> 00:32:19.359
<v Speaker 2>you want to pretend you're okay. I will circle back

623
00:32:19.359 --> 00:32:22.359
<v Speaker 2>to what I said in the beginning, you are better

624
00:32:22.440 --> 00:32:27.279
<v Speaker 2>off saying what you feel versus avoiding your feeling, Like,

625
00:32:27.640 --> 00:32:32.680
<v Speaker 2>don't pretend you're fine when you're hurting, even in your relationship, right,

626
00:32:32.720 --> 00:32:34.640
<v Speaker 2>And I've done this so much so I'm someone who

627
00:32:34.640 --> 00:32:36.960
<v Speaker 2>can tell you how many times I pretended I was fine,

628
00:32:37.200 --> 00:32:42.039
<v Speaker 2>which was self sabotage, versus actually admitting that I was disappointed,

629
00:32:42.079 --> 00:32:45.640
<v Speaker 2>I was hurt. And when you go into that, you know,

630
00:32:45.839 --> 00:32:48.920
<v Speaker 2>it's not like you're looking for someone to fix the situation,

631
00:32:49.640 --> 00:32:52.079
<v Speaker 2>but you just You're allowed to be hurt. You're allowed

632
00:32:52.079 --> 00:32:55.039
<v Speaker 2>to say what you feel without getting a solution to

633
00:32:55.079 --> 00:32:59.240
<v Speaker 2>the problem, and it's important to advocate that. Another thing

634
00:32:59.319 --> 00:33:01.920
<v Speaker 2>I would say is that when we go into a relationship,

635
00:33:02.000 --> 00:33:04.200
<v Speaker 2>we look for our partners to meet all of our

636
00:33:04.240 --> 00:33:07.839
<v Speaker 2>emotional needs. So we have four psychological emotional needs, the

637
00:33:07.920 --> 00:33:12.440
<v Speaker 2>need for connection, the need for acknowledgment, the need for sovereignty,

638
00:33:12.960 --> 00:33:17.559
<v Speaker 2>and the need for pleasure. Your partner cannot meet all

639
00:33:17.599 --> 00:33:20.960
<v Speaker 2>of your needs if you do not meet your own,

640
00:33:22.599 --> 00:33:25.799
<v Speaker 2>that will never happen. And so we go into relationship

641
00:33:25.839 --> 00:33:27.920
<v Speaker 2>believing that our partner has to be the one to

642
00:33:27.960 --> 00:33:31.680
<v Speaker 2>give us all of that, and it is going to

643
00:33:31.920 --> 00:33:35.119
<v Speaker 2>leave you very disappointed, because no human can give you

644
00:33:35.200 --> 00:33:38.119
<v Speaker 2>all of that and also take care of themselves. So

645
00:33:38.240 --> 00:33:41.240
<v Speaker 2>what I like to remind people in new relationships and

646
00:33:41.359 --> 00:33:44.559
<v Speaker 2>relationships that are ongoing is that you've got to learn

647
00:33:44.559 --> 00:33:48.119
<v Speaker 2>to meet your own needs. Meet your own needs for connection.

648
00:33:48.880 --> 00:33:50.920
<v Speaker 2>What are you doing to connect with yourself? Daid? How

649
00:33:50.920 --> 00:33:54.440
<v Speaker 2>are you checking it for yourself? What are you acknowledging

650
00:33:54.440 --> 00:33:57.400
<v Speaker 2>about yourself? Like if I'm waiting for my partner to

651
00:33:57.440 --> 00:34:00.559
<v Speaker 2>tell me he's proud about something I did, I liked

652
00:34:00.599 --> 00:34:01.880
<v Speaker 2>it a lot with the kids that day, and I

653
00:34:01.960 --> 00:34:03.799
<v Speaker 2>just want him to say, well, maybe did such a

654
00:34:03.839 --> 00:34:06.480
<v Speaker 2>good job. Why am I not telling myself that? Why

655
00:34:06.480 --> 00:34:10.159
<v Speaker 2>am I not acknowledged acknowledging myself for how what a

656
00:34:10.199 --> 00:34:13.320
<v Speaker 2>great effort I put in taking care of for this today?

657
00:34:14.280 --> 00:34:17.119
<v Speaker 2>So acknowledge yourself. Do not wait for your partner to

658
00:34:17.159 --> 00:34:19.360
<v Speaker 2>only do it now. This doesn't mean your partner doesn't

659
00:34:19.360 --> 00:34:21.119
<v Speaker 2>do it, but it's sort of like you got to

660
00:34:21.159 --> 00:34:25.039
<v Speaker 2>fill your cop up before you can you know, expect

661
00:34:25.519 --> 00:34:27.960
<v Speaker 2>anything from anyone else. And if you go to your

662
00:34:27.960 --> 00:34:31.679
<v Speaker 2>partner with your cup completely empty, you even if he

663
00:34:31.719 --> 00:34:33.639
<v Speaker 2>fills it up or she fills it up, it's never

664
00:34:33.679 --> 00:34:37.159
<v Speaker 2>going to feel enough because you're going there empty, it's

665
00:34:37.159 --> 00:34:39.639
<v Speaker 2>always going to feel like you need more, right and

666
00:34:39.719 --> 00:34:41.800
<v Speaker 2>so a need for meeting acknowledgment is to say what

667
00:34:41.840 --> 00:34:45.159
<v Speaker 2>you're proud of about yourself, what you appreciate about yourself,

668
00:34:45.719 --> 00:34:48.119
<v Speaker 2>Acknowledge if you're having a hard day. A lot of

669
00:34:48.199 --> 00:34:51.000
<v Speaker 2>us just judge ourselves for having a hard day and

670
00:34:51.039 --> 00:34:54.000
<v Speaker 2>we try to dismiss it. If you're having a hard day.

671
00:34:54.159 --> 00:34:57.039
<v Speaker 2>I'm having a hard day. This feels really tough. I

672
00:34:57.039 --> 00:35:00.559
<v Speaker 2>don't know what's going on, but I'm struggling to It's

673
00:35:00.599 --> 00:35:03.480
<v Speaker 2>okay to struggle. I'm allowed to struggle today. I don't

674
00:35:03.480 --> 00:35:05.960
<v Speaker 2>have to change it. Just meet yourself where you're at.

675
00:35:06.239 --> 00:35:09.159
<v Speaker 2>Allow whatever is existing to exist, because when you do,

676
00:35:09.280 --> 00:35:13.239
<v Speaker 2>it actually simmers. It doesn't escalate. If you distract and

677
00:35:13.280 --> 00:35:15.679
<v Speaker 2>you push it away, it comes forward and it keeps

678
00:35:15.719 --> 00:35:18.639
<v Speaker 2>knocking on the door, like you know, a very eager

679
00:35:18.760 --> 00:35:21.000
<v Speaker 2>child who wants to get candy and Halloween or something

680
00:35:21.079 --> 00:35:24.320
<v Speaker 2>like that. So we can't, you know, we think that

681
00:35:24.400 --> 00:35:26.559
<v Speaker 2>our partner needs to meet these needs, and I'm not

682
00:35:26.599 --> 00:35:28.840
<v Speaker 2>saying that they don't, but we first have to be

683
00:35:28.920 --> 00:35:32.000
<v Speaker 2>the one to meet them. Like tomorrow, I know I

684
00:35:32.079 --> 00:35:35.039
<v Speaker 2>need to meet the need for a sovereign day. So

685
00:35:35.159 --> 00:35:37.280
<v Speaker 2>what I've done is I've set a boundary. I've told

686
00:35:37.280 --> 00:35:39.079
<v Speaker 2>my partner that I'm not able to pick up the

687
00:35:39.159 --> 00:35:42.480
<v Speaker 2>kids tomorrow from school. I'm leaving at twelve after I

688
00:35:42.480 --> 00:35:45.519
<v Speaker 2>finish work. I'm going to my favorite place, the beach,

689
00:35:45.960 --> 00:35:47.840
<v Speaker 2>and I'm going to go swimming, and I'm going to

690
00:35:47.840 --> 00:35:49.320
<v Speaker 2>be back at nine at night. I don't know what

691
00:35:49.360 --> 00:35:51.559
<v Speaker 2>I'm going to do between twelve and nine, but I'm

692
00:35:51.599 --> 00:35:54.320
<v Speaker 2>going to have a day or half a day that

693
00:35:54.400 --> 00:35:56.719
<v Speaker 2>I meet my need for sovereignty, and I'm going to

694
00:35:56.760 --> 00:36:00.239
<v Speaker 2>feel free, and I'm going to have no like restriction on,

695
00:36:00.519 --> 00:36:02.800
<v Speaker 2>you know, having to do this for this person or that.

696
00:36:03.079 --> 00:36:05.800
<v Speaker 2>And he totally respects that, and he's meeting me halfway

697
00:36:06.360 --> 00:36:08.239
<v Speaker 2>and he's going to take on the responsibilities of the

698
00:36:08.239 --> 00:36:10.400
<v Speaker 2>rest of the day. I'm going to enjoy myself, and

699
00:36:10.440 --> 00:36:12.039
<v Speaker 2>I think I'm going to come back. I know I'm

700
00:36:12.079 --> 00:36:15.639
<v Speaker 2>going to come back so much more available for all

701
00:36:15.679 --> 00:36:17.719
<v Speaker 2>all the men in my life, my partner and my

702
00:36:17.760 --> 00:36:21.079
<v Speaker 2>little men as well, because I did that so to

703
00:36:21.119 --> 00:36:23.360
<v Speaker 2>meet your need. No one's going to do that for you.

704
00:36:23.400 --> 00:36:26.239
<v Speaker 2>Nobody is going to do that for you. Nobody's going

705
00:36:26.320 --> 00:36:28.760
<v Speaker 2>to save you from them. And the last one is pleasure.

706
00:36:29.519 --> 00:36:32.400
<v Speaker 2>So how do you pleasure yourself? Right? So do you

707
00:36:32.480 --> 00:36:34.480
<v Speaker 2>like If you like a coffee, that could be a

708
00:36:34.559 --> 00:36:36.760
<v Speaker 2>nice pleasure, a nice tea, or maybe you I love

709
00:36:36.760 --> 00:36:39.079
<v Speaker 2>a walk. A walk is always pleasurable for me, being

710
00:36:39.079 --> 00:36:41.840
<v Speaker 2>in nature, listening to the birds, being by the trees,

711
00:36:41.920 --> 00:36:45.599
<v Speaker 2>a swim. So, however pleasure looks like in your life,

712
00:36:45.760 --> 00:36:48.559
<v Speaker 2>it could be listening to some you know, very soothing

713
00:36:48.559 --> 00:36:51.719
<v Speaker 2>classical music as you do a puzzle. I mean, whatever

714
00:36:51.760 --> 00:36:55.119
<v Speaker 2>it is, right, meet that need for yourself, don't wait

715
00:36:55.159 --> 00:36:56.519
<v Speaker 2>for your partner to meet it. I know I've gone

716
00:36:56.519 --> 00:36:58.239
<v Speaker 2>on about the same thing, but it's so important.

717
00:36:58.880 --> 00:37:02.960
<v Speaker 1>No, that's really important because there's this toxic idea in

718
00:37:03.039 --> 00:37:06.960
<v Speaker 1>society that gets pushed by TV and romance novels and

719
00:37:07.000 --> 00:37:10.280
<v Speaker 1>stuff where it's like our relationships fifty to fifty and

720
00:37:10.320 --> 00:37:12.800
<v Speaker 1>each person gives their half, But it's not really that.

721
00:37:12.960 --> 00:37:15.840
<v Speaker 1>It's each person brings their one hundred percent to the

722
00:37:15.880 --> 00:37:19.719
<v Speaker 1>table and they're stable, and they feel healthy, and they

723
00:37:19.760 --> 00:37:23.159
<v Speaker 1>feel joyful and their mind is ready to go and

724
00:37:23.199 --> 00:37:26.360
<v Speaker 1>tackle the day together. Because, like you've said, you still

725
00:37:26.400 --> 00:37:29.239
<v Speaker 1>have your own journeys and things that you may need

726
00:37:29.280 --> 00:37:31.280
<v Speaker 1>to do stuff on your own, and if you are

727
00:37:31.639 --> 00:37:34.199
<v Speaker 1>co dependent on a person, that can lead to trouble

728
00:37:34.239 --> 00:37:34.519
<v Speaker 1>as well.

729
00:37:34.559 --> 00:37:37.440
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, correct, I mean I was, so I know

730
00:37:37.480 --> 00:37:40.639
<v Speaker 2>exactly that you're not with mine. You know, I have

731
00:37:40.719 --> 00:37:43.000
<v Speaker 2>a sole wound of abandonment not come into this life,

732
00:37:43.039 --> 00:37:45.519
<v Speaker 2>and I've decided to heal this wound. And I get

733
00:37:45.519 --> 00:37:47.559
<v Speaker 2>why I'm doing it, but it has been something that

734
00:37:47.599 --> 00:37:51.039
<v Speaker 2>comes up recurring in my life and I see it,

735
00:37:51.079 --> 00:37:55.199
<v Speaker 2>you know, I see it through codependency, through always like

736
00:37:55.559 --> 00:37:58.719
<v Speaker 2>taking on other people's emotions, right, and being like the

737
00:37:58.760 --> 00:38:01.360
<v Speaker 2>savior and the fixture. So you have to watch these

738
00:38:01.360 --> 00:38:04.960
<v Speaker 2>behaviors in yourself, and the more that you can become

739
00:38:05.000 --> 00:38:08.800
<v Speaker 2>aware of your behaviors, like, the less you're going to

740
00:38:08.840 --> 00:38:12.119
<v Speaker 2>engage in. It's a practice, right, it's practice to be like, oh,

741
00:38:12.159 --> 00:38:15.079
<v Speaker 2>I'm victimizing right there, or I am trying to fix

742
00:38:15.119 --> 00:38:20.559
<v Speaker 2>the situation, or I am making my poor me mentality,

743
00:38:20.960 --> 00:38:23.440
<v Speaker 2>or I'm taking on someone's emotions, like you have to

744
00:38:23.480 --> 00:38:28.719
<v Speaker 2>be aware of where you are coming from your wound

745
00:38:29.480 --> 00:38:33.360
<v Speaker 2>and where you're like participating, perpetuating and making your life harder,

746
00:38:33.400 --> 00:38:34.920
<v Speaker 2>like you're creating your own suffering.

747
00:38:36.480 --> 00:38:40.639
<v Speaker 1>All right. So in my relationship. We kind of laugh

748
00:38:40.639 --> 00:38:43.000
<v Speaker 1>at it because it doesn't work for us. The idea

749
00:38:43.039 --> 00:38:46.159
<v Speaker 1>of love language is we, personally, for the two of us,

750
00:38:46.199 --> 00:38:48.280
<v Speaker 1>we think it's garbage. If it works for other people,

751
00:38:48.480 --> 00:38:51.679
<v Speaker 1>we think that's great. But we don't really have love languages.

752
00:38:51.719 --> 00:38:55.599
<v Speaker 1>We just constantly show up for each other as much

753
00:38:55.639 --> 00:38:57.519
<v Speaker 1>as we possibly can. We don't even think about it.

754
00:38:57.840 --> 00:39:00.639
<v Speaker 1>You don't try to anticipate anything, or call anybody, or

755
00:39:00.679 --> 00:39:03.800
<v Speaker 1>try to cater to anybody's needs. We just talked straight, right,

756
00:39:04.599 --> 00:39:07.440
<v Speaker 1>So I get that that doesn't work for us, but

757
00:39:07.840 --> 00:39:11.719
<v Speaker 1>for others. How can understanding the concept of a love

758
00:39:11.840 --> 00:39:15.400
<v Speaker 1>language improve the relationship? Right now? How would you recommend

759
00:39:15.440 --> 00:39:19.320
<v Speaker 1>then that within the context of a couple you can

760
00:39:19.400 --> 00:39:22.159
<v Speaker 1>navigate those differences.

761
00:39:23.760 --> 00:39:27.199
<v Speaker 2>I think that you're seeking from your partner what you

762
00:39:27.239 --> 00:39:29.760
<v Speaker 2>didn't get from your parents when it comes to a

763
00:39:29.800 --> 00:39:33.719
<v Speaker 2>loved one. So if you didn't get words of affirmation,

764
00:39:34.039 --> 00:39:36.280
<v Speaker 2>you're hoping that your partner will fill that cup for you.

765
00:39:37.639 --> 00:39:39.559
<v Speaker 2>And again I would circle back to you got to

766
00:39:39.559 --> 00:39:40.679
<v Speaker 2>fill it for yourself first.

767
00:39:41.679 --> 00:39:44.519
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that's why for us we just think it's garbage

768
00:39:44.519 --> 00:39:48.880
<v Speaker 1>because we both grew up in environments. Her father died

769
00:39:48.920 --> 00:39:51.760
<v Speaker 1>when she was young, her mother didn't really care very much.

770
00:39:52.320 --> 00:39:55.599
<v Speaker 1>So by the time, you know, we were both seventeen,

771
00:39:56.000 --> 00:39:59.039
<v Speaker 1>we were out into the world, just living life for ourselves,

772
00:39:59.519 --> 00:40:03.079
<v Speaker 1>getting her learning things. We had to validate ourselves at

773
00:40:03.119 --> 00:40:05.199
<v Speaker 1>every step, is what I'm saying. So by the time

774
00:40:05.199 --> 00:40:08.760
<v Speaker 1>we got together, we'd already been valid you know, we

775
00:40:08.800 --> 00:40:11.760
<v Speaker 1>already had our card stamped and approved. We were ready

776
00:40:11.800 --> 00:40:15.320
<v Speaker 1>to go, right, So we weren't looking for that mommy

777
00:40:15.400 --> 00:40:17.920
<v Speaker 1>daddy connection from anybody else. We already figured it out,

778
00:40:17.960 --> 00:40:21.960
<v Speaker 1>you know. So yeah, in agreeance with you. If that's

779
00:40:22.000 --> 00:40:24.760
<v Speaker 1>where you're at, you know, you have to be conscious

780
00:40:24.760 --> 00:40:28.639
<v Speaker 1>of those things, and there is a life where you know,

781
00:40:28.960 --> 00:40:31.480
<v Speaker 1>you can expect that you don't have those challenges anymore.

782
00:40:31.480 --> 00:40:33.000
<v Speaker 1>It just takes practice, you.

783
00:40:32.960 --> 00:40:36.239
<v Speaker 2>Know, it is it's just practice. It's you know, it's

784
00:40:36.320 --> 00:40:39.440
<v Speaker 2>understanding that we're all going to have days. You know,

785
00:40:39.519 --> 00:40:43.400
<v Speaker 2>we're all going to sometimes need to be able to

786
00:40:43.800 --> 00:40:48.159
<v Speaker 2>feel supported, and that's totally normal. But like, if that's

787
00:40:48.159 --> 00:40:50.519
<v Speaker 2>what you need, Okay, this is a good example. I

788
00:40:50.599 --> 00:40:53.639
<v Speaker 2>remember when I had been going through, like, you know,

789
00:40:53.960 --> 00:40:57.719
<v Speaker 2>my journey and stuff, and I had been appreciating myself

790
00:40:57.760 --> 00:41:00.920
<v Speaker 2>for quite some time, but I was like, I wonder

791
00:41:00.960 --> 00:41:03.400
<v Speaker 2>if my partner is going to appreciate good thing, is

792
00:41:03.440 --> 00:41:04.920
<v Speaker 2>it going to happen? Like I wasn't counting on it,

793
00:41:04.960 --> 00:41:06.440
<v Speaker 2>but I was just curious. I was sort of like

794
00:41:06.519 --> 00:41:09.280
<v Speaker 2>testing a couple of methods out in terms of, you know,

795
00:41:09.679 --> 00:41:11.559
<v Speaker 2>the work that I do and like, okay, you know,

796
00:41:11.599 --> 00:41:13.760
<v Speaker 2>if I'm appreciating myself and I'm really working on that,

797
00:41:13.880 --> 00:41:15.519
<v Speaker 2>is he going to do it? And sometimes I think

798
00:41:15.559 --> 00:41:17.679
<v Speaker 2>it's just going to the person saying Babe, you know,

799
00:41:17.960 --> 00:41:19.719
<v Speaker 2>i'd really love for you to just appreciate one thing

800
00:41:19.760 --> 00:41:24.360
<v Speaker 2>about lets your ego gode, dissolve your ego for one second,

801
00:41:24.920 --> 00:41:27.320
<v Speaker 2>and if you really need something, just to be honest

802
00:41:27.320 --> 00:41:29.480
<v Speaker 2>about it. You know, if you really need to be

803
00:41:29.519 --> 00:41:33.159
<v Speaker 2>acknowledged for something, or you really need to be appreciated,

804
00:41:33.320 --> 00:41:39.159
<v Speaker 2>or you really want to hug, just ask. We get

805
00:41:39.199 --> 00:41:41.159
<v Speaker 2>so stuck in the ego, like I don't want to

806
00:41:41.199 --> 00:41:42.599
<v Speaker 2>do I'm not going to appreciate. I'm not going to

807
00:41:42.679 --> 00:41:44.239
<v Speaker 2>ask him to do that for me or ask her

808
00:41:44.280 --> 00:41:47.079
<v Speaker 2>to do that for me. If they can't figure it out. Again,

809
00:41:47.119 --> 00:41:49.039
<v Speaker 2>they're not a mind reader. They're not going to figure

810
00:41:49.039 --> 00:41:51.679
<v Speaker 2>it out, and you're setting your relationship up for a failure.

811
00:41:51.719 --> 00:41:54.920
<v Speaker 2>If you keep waiting for that person to figure it out,

812
00:41:55.679 --> 00:41:58.519
<v Speaker 2>so as your ego dissolves and it stops fighting, you

813
00:41:58.559 --> 00:42:02.320
<v Speaker 2>know that story of what that person needs to do

814
00:42:02.400 --> 00:42:04.280
<v Speaker 2>for you or how they must show up for you.

815
00:42:04.880 --> 00:42:09.119
<v Speaker 2>Could you just simply tell them what you need and

816
00:42:09.199 --> 00:42:11.559
<v Speaker 2>could they just like in a nice way, not in

817
00:42:11.639 --> 00:42:13.239
<v Speaker 2>a you know, you didn't do this, and not in

818
00:42:13.280 --> 00:42:16.599
<v Speaker 2>a planning and putting them down we're criticizing them way

819
00:42:16.639 --> 00:42:18.480
<v Speaker 2>that Like, you know, I'm kind of having a really

820
00:42:18.559 --> 00:42:21.800
<v Speaker 2>hard time today and it would really help me if

821
00:42:21.800 --> 00:42:25.320
<v Speaker 2>you just appreciated one thing about and that person when

822
00:42:25.320 --> 00:42:26.840
<v Speaker 2>you say it that way, like they're all going to

823
00:42:26.840 --> 00:42:29.119
<v Speaker 2>be on board. You know, Oh that's a simple thing

824
00:42:29.159 --> 00:42:32.199
<v Speaker 2>to do. Like, you know, I really appreciate you know

825
00:42:32.320 --> 00:42:34.880
<v Speaker 2>how hard you've been working to plan the strip to Thailand.

826
00:42:34.960 --> 00:42:37.440
<v Speaker 2>Like whatever it is, right, they're going to be on board.

827
00:42:38.719 --> 00:42:41.440
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, give each other a love to would be something

828
00:42:41.480 --> 00:42:44.559
<v Speaker 1>I would add to that and let the other person

829
00:42:44.679 --> 00:42:46.880
<v Speaker 1>receive it, or you know, if you're the one that

830
00:42:46.920 --> 00:42:50.719
<v Speaker 1>needs to receive it, just take the hug man. Don't

831
00:42:50.760 --> 00:42:52.079
<v Speaker 1>be like because there are just a lot of couples

832
00:42:52.119 --> 00:42:54.639
<v Speaker 1>where people are like, ah, I helged my partner and

833
00:42:54.639 --> 00:42:56.559
<v Speaker 1>they asked me what was wrong because I hugged them.

834
00:42:56.599 --> 00:43:01.800
<v Speaker 1>You know, don't be like that. Just take the hug man, yeah, exactly,

835
00:43:02.159 --> 00:43:05.519
<v Speaker 1>or take the compliment or something. Just don't don't block it.

836
00:43:05.559 --> 00:43:08.320
<v Speaker 1>Don't throw up any walls for any reason, because sometimes

837
00:43:08.360 --> 00:43:10.280
<v Speaker 1>you're not even throwing up walls because you mean to

838
00:43:10.920 --> 00:43:15.599
<v Speaker 1>you just you're doing something and your partner comes up

839
00:43:15.599 --> 00:43:17.599
<v Speaker 1>behind you and hugs you, for example, and you're like,

840
00:43:17.639 --> 00:43:19.440
<v Speaker 1>what do you want? You know, like, that's not a

841
00:43:19.480 --> 00:43:23.000
<v Speaker 1>good attitude to have, right, Yeah, exactly.

842
00:43:23.000 --> 00:43:24.320
<v Speaker 2>I think my partner does that to me all the

843
00:43:24.360 --> 00:43:27.280
<v Speaker 2>time because it's also you know, where did you come from?

844
00:43:27.840 --> 00:43:31.599
<v Speaker 2>What is that? But yeah, I think be open to expressing,

845
00:43:31.800 --> 00:43:34.679
<v Speaker 2>you know, expressing through your body, expressing through your words,

846
00:43:34.880 --> 00:43:39.079
<v Speaker 2>expressing what's coming up for you, and quit believing that

847
00:43:39.119 --> 00:43:41.199
<v Speaker 2>someone knows what you're going through, even if that person

848
00:43:41.199 --> 00:43:45.760
<v Speaker 2>who's known you seventeen they don't. Right, we don't have

849
00:43:45.840 --> 00:43:48.599
<v Speaker 2>to suffer in silence. So if if something's coming up,

850
00:43:48.800 --> 00:43:51.679
<v Speaker 2>say it, because if you don't, you build resentment, and

851
00:43:51.760 --> 00:43:54.280
<v Speaker 2>resentment is the killer of all relationships.

852
00:43:55.880 --> 00:43:58.639
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, so let me solve disclose for a little bit.

853
00:43:59.199 --> 00:44:02.440
<v Speaker 1>When I was three, I was engaged to be married.

854
00:44:03.639 --> 00:44:08.400
<v Speaker 1>My fiance broke up with me via text message, and

855
00:44:08.480 --> 00:44:11.320
<v Speaker 1>all she said is that it's the little things that

856
00:44:11.400 --> 00:44:16.599
<v Speaker 1>add up that broke my heart. Floored me. But eventually

857
00:44:16.679 --> 00:44:18.599
<v Speaker 1>I got to a point where I was like, Okay,

858
00:44:18.639 --> 00:44:21.440
<v Speaker 1>she's just a miserable ass and she doesn't actually like

859
00:44:21.480 --> 00:44:26.599
<v Speaker 1>herself very much, but I have to fix me. So

860
00:44:27.199 --> 00:44:30.119
<v Speaker 1>I stayed single for six years and went on a

861
00:44:30.239 --> 00:44:33.679
<v Speaker 1>radical journey of personal growth to try to figure out

862
00:44:33.679 --> 00:44:37.079
<v Speaker 1>how to heal and to make sure that I never

863
00:44:37.360 --> 00:44:41.920
<v Speaker 1>was the person that I was when all those things

864
00:44:41.920 --> 00:44:44.599
<v Speaker 1>that I allegedly did that I don't have any proof

865
00:44:44.639 --> 00:44:46.679
<v Speaker 1>that I did, but I still took responsibility for them

866
00:44:46.719 --> 00:44:49.679
<v Speaker 1>anyway happened. Does that make sense to you?

867
00:44:50.679 --> 00:44:50.800
<v Speaker 4>So?

868
00:44:50.880 --> 00:44:53.400
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I absolutly brave that she looked within.

869
00:44:53.880 --> 00:44:55.639
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, because I was like, you know what, it doesn't

870
00:44:55.639 --> 00:44:58.760
<v Speaker 1>make any sense trying to figure out because when somebody

871
00:44:58.800 --> 00:45:01.599
<v Speaker 1>tells you something like that, it's obvious they don't want

872
00:45:01.599 --> 00:45:02.960
<v Speaker 1>to talk to you, they don't want to see you,

873
00:45:03.000 --> 00:45:06.440
<v Speaker 1>so they're not going to give you any closure or

874
00:45:06.519 --> 00:45:09.559
<v Speaker 1>clarity as to how you can improve yourself. Those chances

875
00:45:09.559 --> 00:45:12.760
<v Speaker 1>are they probably don't even know either. They're reactive, they're

876
00:45:12.760 --> 00:45:15.920
<v Speaker 1>probably judging you all these different things. Right, So there's

877
00:45:15.960 --> 00:45:18.239
<v Speaker 1>a lot of really bad breakups that happen out there.

878
00:45:18.639 --> 00:45:22.800
<v Speaker 1>Let's talk about healing after heartbreak. So for anybody who's

879
00:45:22.840 --> 00:45:25.800
<v Speaker 1>gone through a painful breakup, what's the first thing that

880
00:45:25.840 --> 00:45:29.079
<v Speaker 1>they should do to begin healing so they can move forward?

881
00:45:30.760 --> 00:45:33.480
<v Speaker 2>Okay, that is such a good question. I actually have

882
00:45:33.519 --> 00:45:36.280
<v Speaker 2>a client that just messaged me last week and she

883
00:45:36.400 --> 00:45:39.000
<v Speaker 2>was like, why why didn't you choose me? Why didn't

884
00:45:39.280 --> 00:45:41.079
<v Speaker 2>it go forward? Why did he just ghost me and

885
00:45:41.119 --> 00:45:43.280
<v Speaker 2>not talk to me? Because I feel like people also

886
00:45:43.280 --> 00:45:45.960
<v Speaker 2>get heartbreak when they're ghosted and hasn't even been that long,

887
00:45:45.960 --> 00:45:49.079
<v Speaker 2>but it just hurts like it's rejection, right, And she

888
00:45:49.199 --> 00:45:52.239
<v Speaker 2>was looking for the answer, like you said, for why why? Why?

889
00:45:52.920 --> 00:45:57.519
<v Speaker 2>And so the first thing that I would say is

890
00:45:57.559 --> 00:46:00.360
<v Speaker 2>to just meet yourself where you're at. You need to

891
00:46:00.360 --> 00:46:06.199
<v Speaker 2>give yourself so much compassion, give yourself compassion and feel

892
00:46:06.559 --> 00:46:10.440
<v Speaker 2>the hurt. Feel it. So this is how I feel

893
00:46:10.440 --> 00:46:14.960
<v Speaker 2>an emotion, any emotion. I sit with it for ninety seconds,

894
00:46:14.960 --> 00:46:16.880
<v Speaker 2>I put a timer on and I feel it as

895
00:46:16.960 --> 00:46:21.639
<v Speaker 2>sensation in and it is like a wave that comes

896
00:46:21.639 --> 00:46:23.920
<v Speaker 2>to the scene and it goes. It'll come in a

897
00:46:23.960 --> 00:46:26.559
<v Speaker 2>really big sensation. It can be in your heart, your belly,

898
00:46:26.719 --> 00:46:29.360
<v Speaker 2>your shoulders, whatever it is. This is what I also

899
00:46:29.440 --> 00:46:32.719
<v Speaker 2>use with my clearing the Fears of conscious reprogramming method.

900
00:46:33.119 --> 00:46:36.239
<v Speaker 2>You feel the emotion and it'll come in the biggest intensity,

901
00:46:36.400 --> 00:46:38.960
<v Speaker 2>but it will always break. Just like a wave reaches

902
00:46:39.000 --> 00:46:42.199
<v Speaker 2>the shore and it breaks at the shoreline, that emotion

903
00:46:42.280 --> 00:46:45.920
<v Speaker 2>will always break. So allow yourself to feel it, because

904
00:46:45.920 --> 00:46:49.119
<v Speaker 2>it's so easy to distract yourself. It's so easy to

905
00:46:49.119 --> 00:46:53.519
<v Speaker 2>get caught up in talking about the person and focusing

906
00:46:53.599 --> 00:46:58.280
<v Speaker 2>on what they did wrong, and as asking the why questions,

907
00:46:58.320 --> 00:47:00.480
<v Speaker 2>which I'm not saying are not going to happen. Been like,

908
00:47:00.599 --> 00:47:03.239
<v Speaker 2>we're all human and you're allowed to have periods where

909
00:47:03.239 --> 00:47:06.840
<v Speaker 2>you ask those why questions, but know that all those

910
00:47:06.880 --> 00:47:10.000
<v Speaker 2>whys are almost just a layer covering up what you're

911
00:47:10.039 --> 00:47:12.800
<v Speaker 2>not willing to feel. And if you were to just

912
00:47:12.840 --> 00:47:15.679
<v Speaker 2>sit with your hurt, which is so foreign to so

913
00:47:15.760 --> 00:47:18.519
<v Speaker 2>many of us because we are not taught this. And

914
00:47:18.559 --> 00:47:20.760
<v Speaker 2>this is what I'm teaching my sons to do right now.

915
00:47:21.079 --> 00:47:23.199
<v Speaker 2>I'm teaching them this so they don't have to learn

916
00:47:23.199 --> 00:47:26.239
<v Speaker 2>it when they're adults like I did. And so I'm

917
00:47:26.239 --> 00:47:28.199
<v Speaker 2>really proud of that I'm doing with them, and so

918
00:47:29.199 --> 00:47:32.199
<v Speaker 2>feel what you're feeling. If it's anger, feel it like,

919
00:47:32.280 --> 00:47:34.519
<v Speaker 2>take a pillow, slam it to the floor, get it

920
00:47:34.559 --> 00:47:36.880
<v Speaker 2>out of your body. Let that anger move through you.

921
00:47:37.440 --> 00:47:40.800
<v Speaker 2>If it is sadness, of course, you know, let yourself cry,

922
00:47:41.000 --> 00:47:45.360
<v Speaker 2>let yourself be upset, and stop questioning why you're so hurt.

923
00:47:45.360 --> 00:47:47.599
<v Speaker 2>If you only knew the person for three weeks or

924
00:47:47.639 --> 00:47:51.039
<v Speaker 2>one month or six months, you're hurt. Because you're hurt.

925
00:47:51.519 --> 00:47:54.320
<v Speaker 2>You don't have to question how long you knew that

926
00:47:54.360 --> 00:47:57.719
<v Speaker 2>person for it to equate to your heartbreaking less or

927
00:47:57.719 --> 00:48:00.400
<v Speaker 2>more than what it is. Meet yourself where you're at,

928
00:48:00.599 --> 00:48:03.639
<v Speaker 2>because likely your heartbreak is already triggering an open mound

929
00:48:03.639 --> 00:48:06.599
<v Speaker 2>from your past experiences anyway, And that's why it feels so.

930
00:48:06.639 --> 00:48:09.719
<v Speaker 1>Hard, right And the example that I gave you from

931
00:48:09.719 --> 00:48:14.039
<v Speaker 1>my own life, I think what I realized at that time,

932
00:48:15.079 --> 00:48:17.880
<v Speaker 1>it was hard because that was the first time that

933
00:48:17.960 --> 00:48:22.039
<v Speaker 1>I had more or less been told that even though

934
00:48:22.159 --> 00:48:24.960
<v Speaker 1>deep inside I know that I'm a good person. And

935
00:48:24.960 --> 00:48:26.519
<v Speaker 1>then I did the best that I could, I still

936
00:48:26.559 --> 00:48:29.400
<v Speaker 1>wasn't perfect and that life wasn't perfect. And it hit

937
00:48:29.440 --> 00:48:30.639
<v Speaker 1>me like a ton of breaks.

938
00:48:30.400 --> 00:48:34.000
<v Speaker 2>Right, Yeah, And like we can put a lot of

939
00:48:34.079 --> 00:48:37.440
<v Speaker 2>like you know, blame on ourselves as well. And we

940
00:48:37.480 --> 00:48:39.639
<v Speaker 2>can blame ourselves for not showing up the way that

941
00:48:39.760 --> 00:48:42.719
<v Speaker 2>you know could. We can look for reasons why it

942
00:48:42.760 --> 00:48:45.400
<v Speaker 2>didn't work out, what we did wrong. Like, you can

943
00:48:45.440 --> 00:48:49.760
<v Speaker 2>go down so many rabbit holes and heartbreak and it

944
00:48:49.880 --> 00:48:52.400
<v Speaker 2>is so toxic. So you have to watch your mindset.

945
00:48:53.000 --> 00:48:54.960
<v Speaker 2>You really have to watch your mindset. That's for coaching

946
00:48:55.000 --> 00:48:57.039
<v Speaker 2>is good, right, because you can look at your mindset

947
00:48:57.119 --> 00:49:01.719
<v Speaker 2>and your feelings, watch your mindset and feel wherever you're feeling,

948
00:49:02.519 --> 00:49:05.199
<v Speaker 2>and allow yourself to be where you're at, regardless of

949
00:49:05.239 --> 00:49:08.239
<v Speaker 2>the duration of the experience, regardless of what you did

950
00:49:08.400 --> 00:49:10.800
<v Speaker 2>or what they did. It is what it is in

951
00:49:10.920 --> 00:49:14.199
<v Speaker 2>terms of what's coming up for you. So be that

952
00:49:14.239 --> 00:49:16.800
<v Speaker 2>person who's willing to sit with you and deal with you.

953
00:49:17.000 --> 00:49:21.400
<v Speaker 2>Be that person for yourself, right, and like try your

954
00:49:21.440 --> 00:49:24.960
<v Speaker 2>best to Like I know it's hard not to talk

955
00:49:24.960 --> 00:49:27.800
<v Speaker 2>about it to other people, but I feel like then

956
00:49:27.840 --> 00:49:29.880
<v Speaker 2>you just kind of get stuck in that energy as well,

957
00:49:30.039 --> 00:49:33.280
<v Speaker 2>of like people kind of perpetuating your story to you

958
00:49:33.360 --> 00:49:35.920
<v Speaker 2>and getting stuck in a cycle of like, yeah, he's

959
00:49:35.920 --> 00:49:37.559
<v Speaker 2>such a this so she said to that, you know,

960
00:49:37.719 --> 00:49:41.000
<v Speaker 2>like kind of riling you up to stay stuck. And

961
00:49:41.480 --> 00:49:44.519
<v Speaker 2>notice that if you are willing to feel whatever you're feeling,

962
00:49:44.840 --> 00:49:49.159
<v Speaker 2>you will always come out a stronger version of yourself,

963
00:49:49.239 --> 00:49:54.440
<v Speaker 2>a more aware version of yourself, and you'll always feel lighter. Always.

964
00:49:55.119 --> 00:49:57.159
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, just name it and shame it.

965
00:49:58.280 --> 00:49:58.599
<v Speaker 2>Yes.

966
00:50:00.079 --> 00:50:04.639
<v Speaker 1>What about the single folks out there? I personally know

967
00:50:04.639 --> 00:50:07.480
<v Speaker 1>a lot that are struggling with being single. They feel

968
00:50:07.480 --> 00:50:10.280
<v Speaker 1>as though they're at a certain age and they want

969
00:50:10.320 --> 00:50:13.360
<v Speaker 1>to settle down in all these stories that they tell themselves.

970
00:50:13.400 --> 00:50:17.320
<v Speaker 1>And you know, we live in a world that celebrates

971
00:50:17.360 --> 00:50:20.519
<v Speaker 1>being in a couple. It's glamorized. If you know, you

972
00:50:21.280 --> 00:50:24.519
<v Speaker 1>found your high school love and you've got the perfect relationship.

973
00:50:24.599 --> 00:50:27.960
<v Speaker 1>All this stuff that really just is not the reality.

974
00:50:28.719 --> 00:50:31.280
<v Speaker 1>What advice do you have for someone who is learning

975
00:50:31.800 --> 00:50:37.039
<v Speaker 1>to enjoy their single life and maybe they want to

976
00:50:37.079 --> 00:50:39.960
<v Speaker 1>continue to grow as a person, I should say.

977
00:50:42.519 --> 00:50:45.000
<v Speaker 2>So, there's so many different ways, right, like of how

978
00:50:45.039 --> 00:50:47.400
<v Speaker 2>you can be single again or have been it for

979
00:50:47.440 --> 00:50:51.800
<v Speaker 2>a while. I hear on a superficial level things like

980
00:50:51.960 --> 00:50:57.039
<v Speaker 2>I'm focusing on myself, and then it's like, how are

981
00:50:57.039 --> 00:50:59.480
<v Speaker 2>you focusing on yourself? Okay, so there's I'm doing my nails,

982
00:50:59.519 --> 00:51:01.880
<v Speaker 2>I'm going from massage as I'm traveling, like all that

983
00:51:02.199 --> 00:51:05.719
<v Speaker 2>sort of superficial stuff at the top. So I think

984
00:51:05.800 --> 00:51:08.840
<v Speaker 2>in order to enjoy it, that's one part of it

985
00:51:09.079 --> 00:51:11.719
<v Speaker 2>of focusing on yourself, putting yourself worst, you know, wherever

986
00:51:11.760 --> 00:51:14.840
<v Speaker 2>you can. But I would go back to the emotional needs.

987
00:51:15.039 --> 00:51:18.079
<v Speaker 2>I would go back to learning to meet your emotional

988
00:51:18.119 --> 00:51:20.400
<v Speaker 2>needs when you're single, whether it's that you came out

989
00:51:20.400 --> 00:51:23.719
<v Speaker 2>of a relationship or you are just learning about this,

990
00:51:24.360 --> 00:51:28.440
<v Speaker 2>like really learning to connect with yourself, check in with yourself,

991
00:51:29.119 --> 00:51:33.159
<v Speaker 2>to notice what helps you feel sovereign, to pleasure yourself

992
00:51:33.199 --> 00:51:38.239
<v Speaker 2>with whatever helps you feel pleasure right, and to acknowledge yourself,

993
00:51:38.280 --> 00:51:40.760
<v Speaker 2>to acknowledge when there are hard days and you're believing

994
00:51:40.800 --> 00:51:43.480
<v Speaker 2>that leve will never happen for you, or to acknowledge

995
00:51:43.519 --> 00:51:45.840
<v Speaker 2>when you're feeling lonely you're alone, or to acknowledge when

996
00:51:46.039 --> 00:51:49.280
<v Speaker 2>you're actually quite joyful for not having a partner in

997
00:51:49.320 --> 00:51:52.199
<v Speaker 2>your life that's okay too. So I would go back

998
00:51:52.239 --> 00:51:55.159
<v Speaker 2>to that for everybody, whether you're in a relationship, whether

999
00:51:55.280 --> 00:51:58.039
<v Speaker 2>you are single, whether you're dating. I think it's a

1000
00:51:58.079 --> 00:52:00.880
<v Speaker 2>common thread that can help all of us. Yes, and

1001
00:52:01.000 --> 00:52:04.239
<v Speaker 2>remembering that it's it's all about phases right and watching

1002
00:52:04.280 --> 00:52:07.320
<v Speaker 2>yourself again get stuck in the same story. I hear

1003
00:52:07.360 --> 00:52:10.599
<v Speaker 2>a lot of oh, there's no single you know, there's

1004
00:52:10.599 --> 00:52:12.880
<v Speaker 2>no single part with men or women in my city.

1005
00:52:12.960 --> 00:52:16.000
<v Speaker 2>Everyone's taken. That is freaking bullshit. Everybody is not taken.

1006
00:52:16.800 --> 00:52:21.079
<v Speaker 2>There are people coming out of relationships into relationships, Like

1007
00:52:21.480 --> 00:52:24.239
<v Speaker 2>you know, there are plenty of people out there. But

1008
00:52:24.280 --> 00:52:27.239
<v Speaker 2>if you decide that everyone's taken, the universe will show

1009
00:52:27.280 --> 00:52:29.760
<v Speaker 2>you everyone's taken. It's exactly what you'll get back into.

1010
00:52:30.760 --> 00:52:33.000
<v Speaker 2>So watch your mindset, you know. Or like there's a

1011
00:52:33.000 --> 00:52:36.039
<v Speaker 2>lot of like stigma around age too. So if I

1012
00:52:36.079 --> 00:52:39.039
<v Speaker 2>am forty or forty five or fifty, like, oh my

1013
00:52:39.159 --> 00:52:42.280
<v Speaker 2>chances for love are gone. Like it's no who said

1014
00:52:42.400 --> 00:52:44.559
<v Speaker 2>what because we saw this on a TV show or

1015
00:52:44.800 --> 00:52:47.800
<v Speaker 2>society or a magazine. I mean, you actually have like

1016
00:52:47.880 --> 00:52:50.760
<v Speaker 2>celebrities that are like well into their fifties and sixties

1017
00:52:50.800 --> 00:52:54.400
<v Speaker 2>and they're still making connections. So that's actually proof. But

1018
00:52:54.519 --> 00:52:57.800
<v Speaker 2>it doesn't matter what age you are, that you can

1019
00:52:58.000 --> 00:53:01.559
<v Speaker 2>find companionship at any age because people are coming in

1020
00:53:01.599 --> 00:53:02.599
<v Speaker 2>and out of situation.

1021
00:53:03.519 --> 00:53:06.320
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. And another one that I've seen too that I

1022
00:53:06.360 --> 00:53:08.320
<v Speaker 1>want to throw in the hat is that I've had

1023
00:53:08.679 --> 00:53:11.440
<v Speaker 1>clients argue with me that they're too old to have kids.

1024
00:53:11.440 --> 00:53:14.079
<v Speaker 1>They're like forty, and they're like, oh, I'm a woman,

1025
00:53:14.159 --> 00:53:15.800
<v Speaker 1>I'm forty, I'm never going to have kids. I'm like,

1026
00:53:15.840 --> 00:53:18.639
<v Speaker 1>where'd you hear that from? My doctor told me that, Well,

1027
00:53:18.639 --> 00:53:24.159
<v Speaker 1>get another doctor. Yeah, absolutely, be happy.

1028
00:53:25.360 --> 00:53:28.760
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, And it's actually it's not true. So if you

1029
00:53:28.800 --> 00:53:32.679
<v Speaker 2>do look at like, you actually check into it, you know,

1030
00:53:33.239 --> 00:53:35.719
<v Speaker 2>I think, I mean a lot of women these days

1031
00:53:35.719 --> 00:53:37.679
<v Speaker 2>are having kids at forty four, forty five, forty six,

1032
00:53:37.800 --> 00:53:40.679
<v Speaker 2>forty seven. Like it's all mindset again, right, Like if

1033
00:53:40.719 --> 00:53:43.199
<v Speaker 2>you put yourself in a box, you'll stay in the box.

1034
00:53:43.760 --> 00:53:46.480
<v Speaker 2>But what I would tell those people is if you

1035
00:53:46.519 --> 00:53:50.760
<v Speaker 2>go looking for proof that women are having children over forty,

1036
00:53:51.559 --> 00:53:54.559
<v Speaker 2>you will find it. And that should be what you're

1037
00:53:54.559 --> 00:53:57.719
<v Speaker 2>showing your brain. Show your brain proof that it's possible.

1038
00:53:58.239 --> 00:54:01.039
<v Speaker 2>Ask for it, go look for it, be curious, and

1039
00:54:01.239 --> 00:54:04.000
<v Speaker 2>once you show your brain enough proof of that, it'll

1040
00:54:04.039 --> 00:54:07.440
<v Speaker 2>start to actually take on that belief. And again you

1041
00:54:07.480 --> 00:54:09.880
<v Speaker 2>will notice people telling you stuff. People are always telling

1042
00:54:09.920 --> 00:54:13.280
<v Speaker 2>you things, and you're absorbing everything that people are saying.

1043
00:54:13.679 --> 00:54:16.320
<v Speaker 2>You know, be brave enough to be like, I actually

1044
00:54:16.480 --> 00:54:18.960
<v Speaker 2>am not in alignment with that thought or that you know,

1045
00:54:19.320 --> 00:54:22.199
<v Speaker 2>opinion of yours right now, or this is my opinion,

1046
00:54:22.880 --> 00:54:25.360
<v Speaker 2>and so you can leave it at that. You can

1047
00:54:25.400 --> 00:54:27.440
<v Speaker 2>get caught up in you know, people tell you all stories.

1048
00:54:27.480 --> 00:54:29.440
<v Speaker 2>So I you know, I tried for years to have

1049
00:54:29.480 --> 00:54:31.440
<v Speaker 2>a kid and this had happened. Oh, like I was

1050
00:54:31.480 --> 00:54:33.159
<v Speaker 2>over forty and you know, you can always like it's

1051
00:54:33.199 --> 00:54:35.360
<v Speaker 2>kind of like when people share their pregnancy stories, like

1052
00:54:35.840 --> 00:54:38.000
<v Speaker 2>or their birth stories. You don't want to get caught

1053
00:54:38.039 --> 00:54:40.039
<v Speaker 2>up with that because it's just going to get absorbed

1054
00:54:40.039 --> 00:54:42.360
<v Speaker 2>into you, like you're sucking in all of that. Right.

1055
00:54:42.360 --> 00:54:44.880
<v Speaker 2>You got to keep your space clean. You have to

1056
00:54:45.000 --> 00:54:47.320
<v Speaker 2>keep your you have to protect yourself. You have to

1057
00:54:47.400 --> 00:54:49.920
<v Speaker 2>have a clear energy around you when it comes to

1058
00:54:49.960 --> 00:54:52.960
<v Speaker 2>what people are telling you and what you're absorbing from society.

1059
00:54:53.480 --> 00:54:55.159
<v Speaker 2>Everything that we see.

1060
00:54:54.880 --> 00:54:57.760
<v Speaker 1>It's true. And as a rule of thumb, anytime you

1061
00:54:57.840 --> 00:55:01.599
<v Speaker 1>believe something too strongly, back from it and try to

1062
00:55:01.599 --> 00:55:04.800
<v Speaker 1>figure out whether it's just you or if it's the reality.

1063
00:55:05.280 --> 00:55:07.079
<v Speaker 1>Most of the time you'll find that it's not the

1064
00:55:07.159 --> 00:55:08.079
<v Speaker 1>reality at all.

1065
00:55:09.239 --> 00:55:10.360
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's just you.

1066
00:55:11.119 --> 00:55:15.239
<v Speaker 1>M hm. So I want to wrap up here shortly,

1067
00:55:16.159 --> 00:55:20.039
<v Speaker 1>but I'm going to beg you for a coaching success story.

1068
00:55:20.880 --> 00:55:24.079
<v Speaker 1>Just share with me a success story where a couple

1069
00:55:24.119 --> 00:55:26.840
<v Speaker 1>overcame a major hurdle through your coaching.

1070
00:55:27.920 --> 00:55:29.920
<v Speaker 2>Okay, So I have a success story for a single

1071
00:55:30.039 --> 00:55:34.400
<v Speaker 2>woman and a couple. So do you want to vote? Okay?

1072
00:55:34.960 --> 00:55:38.400
<v Speaker 2>So I actually work with men too. So I was

1073
00:55:38.840 --> 00:55:43.159
<v Speaker 2>very blessed to work with the wife first and then

1074
00:55:43.199 --> 00:55:49.159
<v Speaker 2>the husband, and they were going through an avoidant avoidant

1075
00:55:49.159 --> 00:55:54.039
<v Speaker 2>anxious attachment trauma. Bond gave heard of that. So what

1076
00:55:54.280 --> 00:55:57.719
<v Speaker 2>I noticed the success story is that they were able

1077
00:55:57.840 --> 00:56:02.239
<v Speaker 2>to finally, i'm understand each other better, to learn to

1078
00:56:02.320 --> 00:56:05.559
<v Speaker 2>manage conflict for like once. So they went from very

1079
00:56:05.559 --> 00:56:11.400
<v Speaker 2>reactive communication to calm and considerate and respectful communication. They

1080
00:56:11.440 --> 00:56:14.519
<v Speaker 2>went from yelling in their home and passing that cycle

1081
00:56:14.559 --> 00:56:17.840
<v Speaker 2>onto their kids to not yelling anymore because they looked

1082
00:56:17.880 --> 00:56:21.119
<v Speaker 2>at themselves, They understood themselves, they did their inner child work,

1083
00:56:21.159 --> 00:56:24.360
<v Speaker 2>they looked at their patterns, and they learned to communicate

1084
00:56:24.920 --> 00:56:27.119
<v Speaker 2>in a way that was healthy. So he learned to

1085
00:56:27.199 --> 00:56:30.000
<v Speaker 2>set boundaries with his partner and stop pleasing, and she

1086
00:56:30.199 --> 00:56:33.039
<v Speaker 2>learned to stop the conflict, to stop the conflict when

1087
00:56:33.079 --> 00:56:36.719
<v Speaker 2>she was disregulated, to go meet her needs and get regulated.

1088
00:56:37.719 --> 00:56:40.599
<v Speaker 2>And so together they have come up stronger for their

1089
00:56:40.639 --> 00:56:43.960
<v Speaker 2>two young girls and for themselves, and I just feel

1090
00:56:44.000 --> 00:56:45.599
<v Speaker 2>so honored to have worked with both of them because

1091
00:56:45.599 --> 00:56:47.960
<v Speaker 2>I also really got to see I didn't work with

1092
00:56:48.000 --> 00:56:49.559
<v Speaker 2>them together at the same time. I first worked with

1093
00:56:49.559 --> 00:56:51.639
<v Speaker 2>a woman and then the man. I really got to

1094
00:56:51.679 --> 00:56:55.840
<v Speaker 2>see just how everybody has a story, Like, regardless of

1095
00:56:56.280 --> 00:56:59.559
<v Speaker 2>what role you play in your relationship, we all have fears,

1096
00:56:59.760 --> 00:57:02.519
<v Speaker 2>all have trauma, we all have hard things that we're

1097
00:57:02.519 --> 00:57:05.840
<v Speaker 2>going through, And if you can do the work to

1098
00:57:05.920 --> 00:57:10.199
<v Speaker 2>understand yourself, you can then relay that to your partner

1099
00:57:10.559 --> 00:57:13.079
<v Speaker 2>so much more better and you can have empathy and

1100
00:57:13.159 --> 00:57:16.119
<v Speaker 2>compassion for their experience, Like, you know, we can get

1101
00:57:16.119 --> 00:57:18.079
<v Speaker 2>stuck again in a lot of like oh, well, men

1102
00:57:18.119 --> 00:57:20.199
<v Speaker 2>are like this and women are like that, and we're

1103
00:57:20.280 --> 00:57:24.039
<v Speaker 2>just people. People are you know, they're going to have

1104
00:57:24.119 --> 00:57:26.559
<v Speaker 2>hard times. So that was very successful to see them

1105
00:57:26.639 --> 00:57:28.840
<v Speaker 2>overcome that, and I'm so proud of them. And they

1106
00:57:28.840 --> 00:57:30.800
<v Speaker 2>were just such fast learners. So I was really lucky

1107
00:57:30.840 --> 00:57:34.800
<v Speaker 2>actually because I only worked with you know, her partner

1108
00:57:34.840 --> 00:57:37.280
<v Speaker 2>for three months and her for six months. But they're

1109
00:57:37.280 --> 00:57:39.239
<v Speaker 2>doing great. I just checked up with them and they

1110
00:57:39.239 --> 00:57:42.360
<v Speaker 2>said that everything that they're learning, they're practicing. They still

1111
00:57:42.400 --> 00:57:44.480
<v Speaker 2>have hard moments, but now they have the tools to

1112
00:57:44.519 --> 00:57:48.920
<v Speaker 2>overcome it. And most importantly, they understand when the partner

1113
00:57:49.000 --> 00:57:52.280
<v Speaker 2>is triggering them or it's like a past experience or

1114
00:57:52.320 --> 00:57:54.880
<v Speaker 2>a childhood thing triggering them. And knowing that difference has

1115
00:57:54.920 --> 00:57:55.960
<v Speaker 2>really helped them as well.

1116
00:57:58.400 --> 00:57:59.360
<v Speaker 1>Cool, very cool.

1117
00:58:00.320 --> 00:58:03.679
<v Speaker 2>And then for the single For the single lady, I

1118
00:58:03.760 --> 00:58:07.199
<v Speaker 2>worked without here. So she had worked with like four

1119
00:58:07.280 --> 00:58:10.840
<v Speaker 2>coaches and gone to therapy, and she was looking for

1120
00:58:10.880 --> 00:58:13.599
<v Speaker 2>a partner in her life and she just kept meeting

1121
00:58:13.599 --> 00:58:16.559
<v Speaker 2>the wrong people. She kept getting stuck in situationships, people

1122
00:58:16.559 --> 00:58:20.199
<v Speaker 2>that didn't value her, that were wishy washy, that were

1123
00:58:20.199 --> 00:58:23.719
<v Speaker 2>not committed, and she was really like hopeless when she

1124
00:58:23.760 --> 00:58:27.199
<v Speaker 2>came to me. You know, she'd been recommended by another client,

1125
00:58:27.360 --> 00:58:29.119
<v Speaker 2>so that was probably the reason she came because of

1126
00:58:29.159 --> 00:58:32.039
<v Speaker 2>that recommendation. But she was very hopeless in love and

1127
00:58:32.199 --> 00:58:35.039
<v Speaker 2>she didn't think she was ever going to meet anybody.

1128
00:58:35.519 --> 00:58:38.599
<v Speaker 2>And while we were working together, she came from an

1129
00:58:38.639 --> 00:58:41.280
<v Speaker 2>abandonment moon, which I understand a lot because I also

1130
00:58:41.320 --> 00:58:43.719
<v Speaker 2>come from that, so I can deeply resonate with that

1131
00:58:43.760 --> 00:58:46.440
<v Speaker 2>when I work with people with anxious attachment or abandonment.

1132
00:58:47.119 --> 00:58:49.840
<v Speaker 2>And as we began to meet. She began to meet

1133
00:58:49.880 --> 00:58:53.679
<v Speaker 2>herself where she was accept the qualities about her except

1134
00:58:53.679 --> 00:58:55.880
<v Speaker 2>when she was a little needy, except when she was

1135
00:58:55.920 --> 00:58:58.719
<v Speaker 2>having a hard time, and she began to be compassionate

1136
00:58:58.800 --> 00:59:01.519
<v Speaker 2>to herself and go through that healing journey. She met

1137
00:59:01.519 --> 00:59:04.440
<v Speaker 2>her partner while we were together in the six months

1138
00:59:04.880 --> 00:59:08.119
<v Speaker 2>coaching container, and she got married a year later and

1139
00:59:08.159 --> 00:59:10.639
<v Speaker 2>they're doing good. I just checked in with them, and

1140
00:59:10.679 --> 00:59:13.039
<v Speaker 2>so that was a really powerful story just to see

1141
00:59:13.079 --> 00:59:14.599
<v Speaker 2>like she was just she just I think she had

1142
00:59:14.599 --> 00:59:18.519
<v Speaker 2>one really breakthrough session where she realized that everything she

1143
00:59:18.599 --> 00:59:21.000
<v Speaker 2>was looking for and somebody was not really what she

1144
00:59:21.119 --> 00:59:24.519
<v Speaker 2>was looking for. What she was looking for was safety,

1145
00:59:26.039 --> 00:59:28.880
<v Speaker 2>and she created that safety inside her and then she

1146
00:59:28.960 --> 00:59:30.559
<v Speaker 2>found someone. Okay, that's safety.

1147
00:59:33.400 --> 00:59:41.000
<v Speaker 1>That damn subconscious mind love safety really does. So here's

1148
00:59:41.039 --> 00:59:46.760
<v Speaker 1>my last question. What's one surprising piece of relationship advice

1149
00:59:46.880 --> 00:59:51.360
<v Speaker 1>that might seem unconventional but could actually make a huge difference.

1150
00:59:53.239 --> 00:59:57.119
<v Speaker 2>Hmm, okay, that's a good one. A lot going through

1151
00:59:57.159 --> 01:00:02.320
<v Speaker 2>my mind. I'm going to say repair now, the one

1152
01:00:02.320 --> 01:00:08.800
<v Speaker 2>I talked about earlier. Don't underestimate the power of owning

1153
01:00:08.880 --> 01:00:13.599
<v Speaker 2>up to your behavior and empathizing with how that made

1154
01:00:13.599 --> 01:00:19.400
<v Speaker 2>that person feel in creating reconnection and in saving the relationship,

1155
01:00:20.079 --> 01:00:23.559
<v Speaker 2>don't underestimate whether it's something that happened years ago or

1156
01:00:23.599 --> 01:00:26.960
<v Speaker 2>it's something that happened two hours ago. Like I know

1157
01:00:27.199 --> 01:00:30.320
<v Speaker 2>that I've done a lot of repair with my relationship

1158
01:00:30.360 --> 01:00:32.440
<v Speaker 2>with my older son because the mother I was to

1159
01:00:32.559 --> 01:00:36.719
<v Speaker 2>him when he was one to five is not the

1160
01:00:36.719 --> 01:00:42.880
<v Speaker 2>mother I am. And so the accountability I've taken, the

1161
01:00:42.960 --> 01:00:46.840
<v Speaker 2>ownership I've taken, and the willingness to repair and to

1162
01:00:46.920 --> 01:00:48.679
<v Speaker 2>own up for what I did that he might not

1163
01:00:48.800 --> 01:00:52.760
<v Speaker 2>remember now, but his subconscious mind remembers it one to

1164
01:00:52.840 --> 01:00:56.800
<v Speaker 2>five years old. That is what I believe will keep

1165
01:00:56.840 --> 01:00:59.679
<v Speaker 2>our relationship strong and he'll and heal help him feel

1166
01:01:00.199 --> 01:01:03.079
<v Speaker 2>is because I'm willing to be like when you were

1167
01:01:03.119 --> 01:01:05.719
<v Speaker 2>this age, I was like that that was not okay,

1168
01:01:05.840 --> 01:01:08.320
<v Speaker 2>and I'm willing to actually, you know, own up to it.

1169
01:01:08.400 --> 01:01:11.440
<v Speaker 2>So don't underest to me at all. It is so powerful.

1170
01:01:11.599 --> 01:01:14.159
<v Speaker 2>You can have a relationship that has been broken, you know,

1171
01:01:14.199 --> 01:01:16.360
<v Speaker 2>even between a parent and child or any other dynamic

1172
01:01:16.440 --> 01:01:19.760
<v Speaker 2>for ten years, and then repair comes in and it

1173
01:01:19.800 --> 01:01:21.920
<v Speaker 2>saves that relationship and it brings it back together.

1174
01:01:23.960 --> 01:01:28.320
<v Speaker 1>Well, that was great, Sasha Quins, Thanks for being on

1175
01:01:28.400 --> 01:01:30.239
<v Speaker 1>the Boundless Authenticity Podcast.

1176
01:01:32.119 --> 01:01:34.039
<v Speaker 2>Thank you for having me. I'm gonna have a lot

1177
01:01:34.079 --> 01:01:34.400
<v Speaker 2>of fun.

1178
01:01:35.760 --> 01:01:46.960
<v Speaker 1>I'm glad you're listening to the Boundless Authenticity Podcast where

1179
01:01:46.960 --> 01:01:51.719
<v Speaker 1>we discuss everything related to the evolution of human consciousness.

1180
01:01:52.280 --> 01:01:53.280
<v Speaker 1>That's very much.

1181
01:01:53.360 --> 01:01:57.559
<v Speaker 4>Willing to understand that the United States skills bunkers, which

1182
01:01:57.639 --> 01:02:00.800
<v Speaker 4>areas of stage on your lip every.

1183
01:02:00.599 --> 01:02:02.920
<v Speaker 2>Three much basically in your dream.

1184
01:02:03.400 --> 01:02:06.920
<v Speaker 5>Into your self conscious it is your love and your insolition,

1185
01:02:07.119 --> 01:02:13.760
<v Speaker 5>your creativity and imagination unchanged from conscious cis and and locate.

1186
01:02:13.679 --> 01:02:16.519
<v Speaker 2>allD real large quote for the soul by.

1187
01:02:16.320 --> 01:02:20.079
<v Speaker 4>How are conscious nu specronology cultus of agarium for your briery.

1188
01:02:20.159 --> 01:02:22.639
<v Speaker 4>We live in a multi dimensional reality, whether it comes

1189
01:02:22.679 --> 01:02:25.960
<v Speaker 4>through esetary information in the spiritual realms or the UFO

1190
01:02:26.079 --> 01:02:29.960
<v Speaker 4>people experiences, or mainstream on the physics and through Natum

1191
01:02:30.000 --> 01:02:32.719
<v Speaker 4>science and now realizing that parallel dimensions probably exist.

1192
01:02:32.800 --> 01:02:35.599
<v Speaker 2>We're all spiritual means, we're all having these human experience

1193
01:02:35.639 --> 01:02:37.679
<v Speaker 2>as we've heard that place over and over and over.

1194
01:02:37.800 --> 01:02:40.440
<v Speaker 2>But what does that really mean? You know, all of

1195
01:02:40.480 --> 01:02:44.199
<v Speaker 2>the questions of why we have these answers inside of

1196
01:02:44.239 --> 01:02:44.840
<v Speaker 2>our soul.

1197
01:02:44.760 --> 01:02:47.159
<v Speaker 4>We're ultimately studying the nature of what it is to

1198
01:02:47.199 --> 01:02:50.000
<v Speaker 4>be human, good and evil, our psychology, how we fitk

1199
01:02:50.159 --> 01:02:52.480
<v Speaker 4>our health. That's why I love Bruce Lee's great quote,

1200
01:02:52.519 --> 01:02:55.159
<v Speaker 4>all knowledge is ultimately self knowledge,