Speaker 1: Clownish Authenticity Podcast. Thanks for tuning in to Boundless Authenticity.
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Speaker 1: on the guests that you want to hear from. New
Speaker 1: episodes drop three times a month, the sixth, sixteenth, and
Speaker 1: the twenty sixth, so mark your calendars. My guest today
Speaker 1: is Sasha Quint's, a relationship coach who integrates deep emotional
Speaker 1: work with proven methodologies to help people heal and transform
Speaker 1: their relationships. You can reach her on Instagram at Sasha
Speaker 1: Quint's Love Coach. How's it going?
Speaker 2: So good to be here. I'm very excited for this
Speaker 2: opportunity to chat and connect and hopefully leave your listeners
Speaker 2: with some amazing tools and their love life.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm excited. To have you. This is the first
Speaker 1: of its kind on this show. We usually just talk
Speaker 1: about woo woo stuff, So I'm a little.
Speaker 2: Woo woo who too. So it's okay, you're not.
Speaker 1: Far you mean we're not going to talk about aliens.
Speaker 1: Oh darn, okay, So well let's jump right into it.
Speaker 1: Tell me about your journey into coaching. What inspired you
Speaker 1: to become a love and relationship coach. Was there a
Speaker 1: particular moment or experience that sparked.
Speaker 2: This, Yes, so, I mean I've always been into working
Speaker 2: with people. I was a yoga and mindfulness and meditation
Speaker 2: teacher before I became a love and relationship coach. So
Speaker 2: I did that for over a decade. You know. Actually
Speaker 2: it was yoga that helped me get through a great
Speaker 2: loss in my life when I lost my sister in
Speaker 2: two thousand and nine overnight. And it was a meditation
Speaker 2: that gave me that solace, you know, to be able
Speaker 2: to go through the grief and just find a place where, like,
Speaker 2: the pain wasn't so bad. And as I went through that,
Speaker 2: yoga became my life for a decade, and I thought
Speaker 2: that's what I was going to do for the rest
Speaker 2: of my life. I didn't think anything would change. I
Speaker 2: worked with many people I supported them through their journey
Speaker 2: of both physical pain, you know, also mental you know
Speaker 2: pain as well that comes up and how when we
Speaker 2: can't handle our mind and you know, it's spiraling. So
Speaker 2: I went through that whole journey and then I felt
Speaker 2: like I hit a second rock bottom in twenty seventeen.
Speaker 2: So I had been in my relationship already for ten
Speaker 2: years with my partner two boys. They were quite young
Speaker 2: at the time, and I could just see my relationship
Speaker 2: like going downhill, literally like sinking, and I felt like
Speaker 2: I could do nothing to save it. I just felt
Speaker 2: like I was going to lose everything that I had.
Speaker 2: And it was so crazy because it was actually self sabotage.
Speaker 2: I was self sabotaging my own relationship, but I was
Speaker 2: on a sinking ship that I could not save, and
Speaker 2: I had no idea how to save it. So when
Speaker 2: I look back, I kind of wish I had someone
Speaker 2: like what I've become for people at that time when
Speaker 2: I was really struggling, and I didn't know I was
Speaker 2: going to become that at that time. And the first
Speaker 2: step into love coaching was actually inner child healing. So
Speaker 2: that's where I began my journey through healing my own
Speaker 2: inner child that was still struggling from loss and trauma
Speaker 2: and abandonment. And as I did that, I was able
Speaker 2: to actually heal my marriage and we've been together now
Speaker 2: seventeen years. Boys are a lot older. And then I
Speaker 2: was inspired to become a love and relationship coach so
Speaker 2: that I could support other women that are struggling with
Speaker 2: toxic relationships, with self sabotage and in that space where
Speaker 2: they feel everything sinking and they don't know how to
Speaker 2: get back out.
Speaker 1: You know what's interesting, We love that word self sabotage
Speaker 1: around here because that's my specialty. But a lot of
Speaker 1: coaching doesn't seem to work. And I get like the
Speaker 1: scraps of people who've been to therapy or coaching before,
Speaker 1: sometimes for similar issues with relationships and stuff. And the
Speaker 1: thing that other coaches that fail don't seem to get
Speaker 1: is that the entire thing with coaching is you're dealing
Speaker 1: with self sabotage. There's no in between. It's just all
Speaker 1: self sabotaging behaviors. So I get other coaches that they're like,
Speaker 1: self sabotage coach, What what's that? What that dude, I'm like,
Speaker 1: you don't know.
Speaker 3: Yeah, So I find that for like, self sabotage is
Speaker 3: so strongly linked to inner child, right to our in
Speaker 3: our childhood trauma, and it's really the root of the
Speaker 3: behaviors that we see in our adulthoods.
Speaker 2: So for me it was I was still say till today,
Speaker 2: it was healing my inner child that saved my marriage.
Speaker 2: That's what stopped the self sabotage, I.
Speaker 1: Would agree there. So not to get too carried away
Speaker 1: on that topic, but let's get a little bit of
Speaker 1: a definition of a loving relationship. So in your experience,
Speaker 1: what does a healthy love look like? And how can
Speaker 1: you make a difference between a healthy love and toxic patterns?
Speaker 2: H good question. So I think for the longest time,
Speaker 2: I personally didn't even know what healthy love looks like
Speaker 2: because we do not learn this in school. Nobody teaches
Speaker 2: this to us. The only school we have is what
Speaker 2: we see growing up, our environment and the relationships we
Speaker 2: observe society, rom coms all that, right, that's what we
Speaker 2: look to see, music that we listen to, and that
Speaker 2: shapes really what we believe healthy love to be or
Speaker 2: not be. And now that I'm in a space where
Speaker 2: I am in healthy love, which I wasn't ten years ago.
Speaker 2: I can say that it is interdependence where you can
Speaker 2: be with each other, but you can also be without
Speaker 2: each other. It is a relationship where you can communicate
Speaker 2: your needs and your feelings, where you can be able
Speaker 2: to each other, but also respect when that person's viewpoint
Speaker 2: of something is not your viewpoint, to be able to
Speaker 2: meet them halfway, to know that we're not here to
Speaker 2: fix each other. We're here as to just see each
Speaker 2: other through. Like you are going to trigger me in
Speaker 2: a nasty way, and I'm going to trigger you in
Speaker 2: a nasty way. But if we are willing to see
Speaker 2: each other there and grow together, that is what healthy
Speaker 2: love is, right, Like, It's not about getting rid of
Speaker 2: all your triggers and your challenges that come in the relationship.
Speaker 2: It's that, Okay, this is a hard thing for you
Speaker 2: and that's a hard thing for me, and we're going
Speaker 2: to work together. Like I think it's Mary and Willmanson
Speaker 2: who says that. Imagine you see, like you know a
Speaker 2: person and they're having a hard time and they're your partner,
Speaker 2: and you literally just like are like you're disgusting for
Speaker 2: that and you push them away because they're having a
Speaker 2: right time. And I think healthy love is being able
Speaker 2: to see that person having a hard time and see
Speaker 2: them through it and be there, but at the same
Speaker 2: time also protect your space, have your boundaries, and be
Speaker 2: able to make sure that you are taking care of you,
Speaker 2: because if you take care of you, the rest will
Speaker 2: take care be taken care of. But the minute you
Speaker 2: stop taking care of you, that's when the relationship begins
Speaker 2: to feel resentful and burnout and gets overwhelmed.
Speaker 1: Okay, So along with that, what are the most common
Speaker 1: challenges that you think couples face in today's relationships and
Speaker 1: how can they overcome them.
Speaker 2: I think it's the challenge of you know, not really
Speaker 2: expressing their needs right, so wanting to make the other
Speaker 2: person happy all the time, which is just like you're
Speaker 2: never going to meet that expectation. And when you are
Speaker 2: so focused on making the other person happy, you are
Speaker 2: not actually checking in with yourself and see what's making
Speaker 2: you happy, like how you're actually evolving as a human
Speaker 2: as well. So that would be one challenge is we
Speaker 2: feel like we get into a relationship to make that
Speaker 2: person happy. Another one is that when we go through conflict,
Speaker 2: we engage in self sabotaging behaviors like withdraw, like blame,
Speaker 2: shame game, and we go through our nervous system responses. Right,
Speaker 2: so if we're fight, we're going to like, you know,
Speaker 2: get very reactive, which was my self sabotaging pattern. Or
Speaker 2: for my partner, it was like he would withdraw from
Speaker 2: me and not talk for days. Or also he would
Speaker 2: fawn and he would try to please in the conversation
Speaker 2: and then that wouldn't really be what he wanted, so
Speaker 2: he would hold on to the resentment. So we move
Speaker 2: from these nervous system patterns that are innately who we
Speaker 2: are as humans, and we all have them, but we
Speaker 2: don't actually grow out of them, Like we don't understand
Speaker 2: each other's patterns. We don't take the time to understand
Speaker 2: each other's patterns.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree with you because a lot of advice
Speaker 1: that I've given as well is like anytime you feel stressed,
Speaker 1: that's you have to say stop and you have to
Speaker 1: start watching your thoughts and watching your behaviors because that's
Speaker 1: when you're going to self sabotage. Am I correct?
Speaker 2: Yes, And then you're going to spiral in like a
Speaker 2: nast story right, Like I've seen this with a lot
Speaker 2: of my clients do where they go into this really
Speaker 2: negative place about their partner and then they get stuck
Speaker 2: in the story. And it's the story that creates the resentment,
Speaker 2: and it's a story that like you know, fosters the
Speaker 2: anger and then they I think another thing is like
Speaker 2: a lot of us, we keep like trying to win
Speaker 2: in an argument, and we keep trying to go when
Speaker 2: we're already dysregulated. We keep trying to go, go, go
Speaker 2: and find a solution. But so your prefount of cortex
Speaker 2: is already switched off at that point, right, you're you know,
Speaker 2: like the one that cut your brain, that comes up
Speaker 2: with consequences and can handle problems. So if you're so disregulated,
Speaker 2: why are we still communicating about this? And so for
Speaker 2: from someone like me who had, you know, is recovering
Speaker 2: abandonment wound, if my partner were to, you know, say
Speaker 2: I don't want to talk right now, like in the
Speaker 2: abandonment wound recovery, it would be like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 2: he hates me. It's pushing me away, this is going
Speaker 2: to end. This is the end of our relationship. It's done.
Speaker 2: And then everyone has a different wound that they're coming from.
Speaker 2: So you have to understand what your wounds are and
Speaker 2: understand what is important for your unique relationship and when
Speaker 2: to walk away and what to be telling yourself when
Speaker 2: you walk away.
Speaker 1: Right, And it's also important to tell the other person,
Speaker 1: hold on, something's coming up. I'm stressed, and I know
Speaker 1: that I'm not going to have healthy patterns that come
Speaker 1: out automatically here now, So I need to figure out
Speaker 1: what's happening when. We could talk about that if you
Speaker 1: want to write. So yeah, with that, we get into
Speaker 1: the role of communication. How crucial is communication and relationships?
Speaker 1: And what are some practical tips that you can give
Speaker 1: for improving communication between partners?
Speaker 2: So I think research shows it's like ninety percent or
Speaker 2: something along those lines. Don't quote me that communication is
Speaker 2: what breaks relationships, right, and so there's very various layers
Speaker 2: of it. One thing I could say, if like we're
Speaker 2: gonna get nitty gritting with tips, is that which really
Speaker 2: helped myself and my clients on my journey is using
Speaker 2: I feel and I need statements, not it makes me feel.
Speaker 2: I feel.
Speaker 1: That's it.
Speaker 2: I feel X and I need y, Right, So you're
Speaker 2: really just meeting your partner where you're at. Where I
Speaker 2: think a lot of communication goes wrong is we expect
Speaker 2: the person to sort of know what we feel and
Speaker 2: know what we need without actually being very clear and
Speaker 2: specific and telling them. And so then when we're communicating
Speaker 2: a boundary, for example, we're expecting our partner to know,
Speaker 2: but actually they don't know. Your partner's never going to
Speaker 2: be a mind reader, so you must actually be very
Speaker 2: specific with what you need. And I find for like men,
Speaker 2: they are a lot more specific, and for women we
Speaker 2: sort of just meandered. Our brain works different and we
Speaker 2: go around, you know, the bend and around the garden,
Speaker 2: and we think that our partner should know, but like,
Speaker 2: just stop believing he knows. He doesn't be as specific
Speaker 2: as you can, state your feeling, state your need. And
Speaker 2: if you notice that you're communicating from blame, which I
Speaker 2: that was my one of my toxic patterns. Blame was
Speaker 2: a big thing, you're already justsregulated. Like the only thing
Speaker 2: you need to do is get out of that situation,
Speaker 2: because anything in that situation is going to become very
Speaker 2: nasty and actually create more distance between you two as well.
Speaker 2: So I love, I feel, I need I also like
Speaker 2: one that I'm going to use tonight because I have
Speaker 2: a Monday night catch up with my partner, or every Monday,
Speaker 2: regardless of how tired we are, what's been going, god,
Speaker 2: how late it is, we catch up, we decide what's
Speaker 2: working well on what we need support on that week.
Speaker 2: And I've listed a few things that I need to
Speaker 2: discuss with him, and one of them is going to
Speaker 2: be in an ideal world, this is what's supporting me,
Speaker 2: Like this would look like this week in an ideal world.
Speaker 2: So this is my ideal world. And then he gets
Speaker 2: to say what his ideal world is and we can
Speaker 2: hopefully through that find some compromise and some support through
Speaker 2: the way.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm really loving what you're saying. My partner and
Speaker 1: I have a relationship similar to that, where every single
Speaker 1: night we just recap everything that happened throughout the day,
Speaker 1: how we fell, who said well, who did well. And
Speaker 1: I think a lot of that's what's missing from society
Speaker 1: today in general, because everyone is so reactive, right, and
Speaker 1: I think a lot of that comes down to not
Speaker 1: knowing what self respect means, because you can't give someone
Speaker 1: what you don't have, and then also knowing that disagreements
Speaker 1: are normal and that people are going to have differences,
Speaker 1: and that differences should actually make you stronger rather than weaker. Right, absolutely, Yeah,
Speaker 1: So what would your advice be for handling conflict in
Speaker 1: a way that strengthens the relationship rather than creating more
Speaker 1: issues and more distance.
Speaker 2: Well, a few things, like when you go into a
Speaker 2: situation with your partner believing that you need to win
Speaker 2: the argument, I don't think you think it. You're not
Speaker 2: thinking I have to win, Like, that's not what you're thinking.
Speaker 2: But you're going to have the last word. I want
Speaker 2: to make sure that you say what you need to
Speaker 2: say and they understand it right. That can really allow
Speaker 2: conflict to go to a different level that can be
Speaker 2: very toxic for your relationship. So what I love and
Speaker 2: when it comes to conflict is always have the most
Speaker 2: generous interpretation of your partner. I call it MGI always
Speaker 2: have the most generous interpretation. Right, So you don't know
Speaker 2: what their day was like, you don't know what's going on,
Speaker 2: you don't know what childhood trauma you've just clicked on
Speaker 2: or touched in that moment. So if you can be
Speaker 2: have the most generous interpretation versus the least generous, and
Speaker 2: you can even like ask yourself, what is my least
Speaker 2: generous interpretation of this person right now? Like, for example,
Speaker 2: my partner was just late coming home and he knew
Speaker 2: that I had this, you know, espessionally, it's like this
Speaker 2: podcast agree with you, And the most generous interpretation is that,
Speaker 2: you know, he was just late, like he's having a
Speaker 2: hard time, he's doing his best, he's trying to get here.
Speaker 2: The least generous interpretation would have been, how could you
Speaker 2: do this? What?
Speaker 4: You know?
Speaker 2: He knew that I had this going on and the
Speaker 2: kids aren't in bed yet and now they're going to
Speaker 2: go to bed late, and you know that that would
Speaker 2: have been the old me who have had that narrative.
Speaker 2: So I love MGI for working with conflict. And again,
Speaker 2: as you touched on, conflict is normal. There is nothing
Speaker 2: wrong with it. Now, if you didn't see people you
Speaker 2: grew up with having conflict that got repaired, or like
Speaker 2: having conflict in getting through it and being okay and
Speaker 2: still you know, surviving as a couple, you're not going
Speaker 2: to think it's normal if you're if you were in conflict,
Speaker 2: if you didn't see it wrong. So it's important to
Speaker 2: understand that just because you didn't see it doesn't mean
Speaker 2: it's not normal. And we have to normalize conflict because
Speaker 2: two people are not going to get along all the time.
Speaker 2: Just like when you're growing up with your siblings. It's
Speaker 2: not like you got along all the time. You fought
Speaker 2: and then you made up. That was part of, you know,
Speaker 2: the reality of life. And another thing I love with
Speaker 2: conflict that I use with my partner and my boys
Speaker 2: all the time is the concept of repair, which you
Speaker 2: may have heard of, right, So, no matter what happens
Speaker 2: at the end of the day, as you come out
Speaker 2: of that, you have this opportunity to work pair and
Speaker 2: that goes like I did X or I said why
Speaker 2: that may have made you feel sad or angry or disappointed,
Speaker 2: whatever you thought, it made them feel that was not okay,
Speaker 2: and I would like to do something to make it up.
Speaker 2: And you don't always have to make it up, but
Speaker 2: that's generally like the rhythm of the repair. So repair
Speaker 2: is a great way to come back to each other
Speaker 2: and reconnect after conflict has brought disconnection to the relationship,
Speaker 2: and conflict is just part of being human. Like I
Speaker 2: don't think how like how fun would it be if
Speaker 2: you're always in a relationship where everything was always okay
Speaker 2: and butterflies and rainbows, Like, it's so unrealistic. We're people
Speaker 2: at the end of the day, and you're going to
Speaker 2: hit on your trigger points as a couple, Like it's
Speaker 2: just normal. You're going to be tired one day, you're
Speaker 2: going to be hungry, You're going to disagree. You know,
Speaker 2: you might not have the same values or viewpoints on
Speaker 2: certain things, and we're always going to fight for our values.
Speaker 2: Right when it comes to our values, we're going to
Speaker 2: go straight for them. So it's being opened to the
Speaker 2: fact that different viewpoints. You can see, you know, you
Speaker 2: can see a trip that we're taking to. Let's now
Speaker 2: I'm going to tailand recently soon, so the trips that
Speaker 2: we're doing in Taialent, you could prioritize, you know, resting more,
Speaker 2: and I want to prioritize sight seeing. And that's what
Speaker 2: you value in that moment, that's what I value. And
Speaker 2: we can respect each other's values for suspiding about them
Speaker 2: and then find about.
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, so let's move on to a big hairy
Speaker 1: gorilla in the room. I get a lot of complaints
Speaker 1: about modern dating, and you know they I can't find
Speaker 1: somebody to love me. First of all, what do you expect?
Speaker 1: You're swiping on a screen, so you don't really have
Speaker 1: any real connection with the person to begin with. But
Speaker 1: I'll ask you this question. In the age of online dating,
Speaker 1: what are some of the biggest mistakes you see people
Speaker 1: making when looking for love?
Speaker 2: H There's quite a few, Okay. I think that when
Speaker 2: it comes to online dating, we get and like you said,
Speaker 2: because it's on a screen, I feel like we get
Speaker 2: really absorbed in the superficial part of it. You know,
Speaker 2: how much money they're making, their picture, the words they
Speaker 2: put on it, and we forget about what is your
Speaker 2: intention here? What is your intention as you come into
Speaker 2: this experience. This is what I do with a lot
Speaker 2: of my clients in the dating world, is we look
Speaker 2: at what their intention is to even be on the app.
Speaker 2: And what I've noticed is some of them just want
Speaker 2: to intend to communicate stronger because it didn't you know,
Speaker 2: That's something that they're working on. Some of them want
Speaker 2: to intend to set more boundaries. Others want to, you know,
Speaker 2: just be open to meeting different people and being open
Speaker 2: to love coming in different ways. And those are great intentions.
Speaker 2: But when you go into it to be like I
Speaker 2: need to meet my person before July twenty twenty five
Speaker 2: and that's the only reason I'm here, you are doomed
Speaker 2: to fail. It's not going to work because whatever intention
Speaker 2: you put into it is going to you know, be
Speaker 2: sent back to you, right. Like it's like the law
Speaker 2: of I think it's the law of mirrors, right where
Speaker 2: whatever is you're reflecting here, you kind of then get
Speaker 2: it reflected back at you. So if you're reflecting urgency
Speaker 2: and you know, I'm this age and I need to
Speaker 2: meet somebody and this person has to have this much
Speaker 2: money and they have to be doing this job, and
Speaker 2: you're putting everything into a box, you're like, you're setting
Speaker 2: yourself up for suffering. So that would be a huge tip.
Speaker 2: Is that checking your intention? Why are you on that app?
Speaker 2: Why are you swiping? You know, be present, be like,
Speaker 2: take a minute to check in with yourself and don't
Speaker 2: just open the app and swipe like and not have
Speaker 2: any you know, actual awareness to what you're doing. Absurd
Speaker 2: way to meet people. I love them for that, you know,
Speaker 2: like I think that it's I've seen so many thirty
Speaker 2: three percent of marriages come from apps that people meeting
Speaker 2: on dating apps. It's a good percentage of people. I
Speaker 2: know people that have met on apps that have had
Speaker 2: successful relationships and have successful marriages. So it's not that
Speaker 2: that's not a great way to meet somebody. But also
Speaker 2: be open to dating in person too. Don't rely on
Speaker 2: the app to do everything for you. So be open
Speaker 2: to meeting people and telling people that you want to
Speaker 2: meet somebody. I'd love to be introduced. You know, like
Speaker 2: a lot of us have a lot of shame about
Speaker 2: that that I can't say that I want to be introduced,
Speaker 2: and you know, it doesn't look good if I'm vocal
Speaker 2: about it. But why why doesn't it look good if
Speaker 2: it is where you are, own where you are, and
Speaker 2: show up from.
Speaker 1: That, right, So just watch your rejection of expectations onto people,
Speaker 1: I guess is what you're saying, right.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, and just whatever we're talking about when it comes
Speaker 2: to relationships, it actually really much applies to dating as well,
Speaker 2: because if you are coming from a fear that you're
Speaker 2: going to get hurt, you are going to attract a
Speaker 2: partner that hurts you. They will meet you at the
Speaker 2: same level that's happening inside, right, you're coming from a
Speaker 2: hear that you're going to experience, you know, betrayal or
Speaker 2: someone's going to cheat on you. You're likely going to attract
Speaker 2: a partner that's going to cheat on So you're always
Speaker 2: a mirror. And if you see this happening repetitive, you
Speaker 2: notice that you're attracting similar types of people. You need
Speaker 2: to check that in yourself. Be willing to look inside
Speaker 2: you and figure out what energy is happening here, what
Speaker 2: healing needs to be done that you haven't done that
Speaker 2: is getting you in the same boat, same situation. You know,
Speaker 2: person after persons, Why after swipe, because then that's a
Speaker 2: you problem. I hate to say that, but it is.
Speaker 1: People need to hear that because the number one tool
Speaker 1: that we have in any growth oriented situation is personal responsibility.
Speaker 1: You can't get away from there, am I correct?
Speaker 2: Yeah? And we have to learn you know, what part
Speaker 2: am I playing in the situation? And if I keep
Speaker 2: getting the same reality shown to me, then why am
Speaker 2: I not looking within to create change? Why am I
Speaker 2: scared to look within? You know? And I had to
Speaker 2: do that in my own dating journey. I was here
Speaker 2: in Dubai and I just arrived and I'd been through
Speaker 2: a relationship and it was heartbreak and it was really hard,
Speaker 2: and I had my walls, like my guard, so far
Speaker 2: up that nobody could get past that. So I kept
Speaker 2: meeting partners who either didn't live here or were just
Speaker 2: not willing to commit. And the moment that I got
Speaker 2: real with myself and I said, well, what's coming up
Speaker 2: for you? And I remember I was standing on my balcony.
Speaker 2: It was November, beautiful weather out here, looking out all
Speaker 2: the lights in Dubai, and I said, what's going on here?
Speaker 2: And I said, you're afraid to get hurt because you've
Speaker 2: been hurt before. So admitting that was a huge thing.
Speaker 2: I actually think that eighty percent of us dating are
Speaker 2: afraid to get hurt. I mean it makes sense even
Speaker 2: a relationship, you could have that fear, right, But if
Speaker 2: you don't admit what your fear is, whatever it is,
Speaker 2: you will continue to meet people who actually perpetuate that fear.
Speaker 2: And so I noticed that, and within a month of
Speaker 2: noticing that, I actually met my life. It's like all
Speaker 2: I had to do is be aware of it. That's it.
Speaker 2: And the minute I was aware of it, the energy
Speaker 2: shifted for me. So stop pretending that you're not afraid
Speaker 2: to get hurt, Stop pretending that you're going with the flow,
Speaker 2: Stop pretending that you don't need a man, Stop pretending
Speaker 2: that you're independent, and what would a man bring to
Speaker 2: my life? All of this is very much clouting you
Speaker 2: ever getting into a healthy relationship.
Speaker 1: Yeah, just to cycle back to the whole dating apps
Speaker 1: thing or apps in general, the internet is assessbol. There's
Speaker 1: a lot of people out there on the Internet these
Speaker 1: days that maybe in nineteen ninety two they were somewhere
Speaker 1: in a basement like ah, you know, like just freaking
Speaker 1: out or something like. There's a lot of crazies out there.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of users, abusers, unhealed people that actually
Speaker 1: have no intention of changing themselves. They're looking for someone
Speaker 1: that they can control, manipulate, et cetera, et cetera. So
Speaker 1: that takes us into the territory of red flags and
Speaker 1: green flags. Right, So, what are some subtle but important
Speaker 1: red flags that people should watch out for early in
Speaker 1: a relationship, whether you met them organically or online. And
Speaker 1: then you can also give me some green flags because
Speaker 1: I'm saying this because when people come to me for
Speaker 1: relationship help and they can't find a partner, I usually
Speaker 1: tell them write a long list, right, like sixty things
Speaker 1: for starters of values and things that you're looking for
Speaker 1: any other person, and make sure that you are that first.
Speaker 1: Otherwise you're just attracting garbage and you don't know why
Speaker 1: you're attracting garbage. Right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the long mirrors, right, That's exactly what it says,
Speaker 2: you attract ads to what you want.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so let's go through some red flags and green flags.
Speaker 2: I literally have a dating checklist that I have on
Speaker 2: my website and then who One can download and it
Speaker 2: helps you catch all these things. So I can definitely
Speaker 2: share that with you.
Speaker 1: Perfect.
Speaker 2: So a red flag would be if somebody doesn't ask
Speaker 2: you any questions about yourself, Like they don't ask you
Speaker 2: questions I don't want to know. You know, you're asking questions,
Speaker 2: you're getting to know them, and they're not really reciprocating that.
Speaker 2: That's a red flag. I think in any relationship, that's
Speaker 2: a red flag. Yeah, somebody you're intimately involved with or
Speaker 2: even a friend, right, So that would be the first one.
Speaker 2: A second one is I feel like this is a
Speaker 2: subtle one. We're especially for the apps where you're constantly chatting,
Speaker 2: but the person doesn't take initiative or doesn't respond to
Speaker 2: your initiative to meet up, to actually meet in person,
Speaker 2: or even to have a phone call like not a text,
Speaker 2: not a WhatsApp, but an actual phone call, like old
Speaker 2: school style, you know, in the day. So that would
Speaker 2: be important too, Like are you guys just chatting for
Speaker 2: a month? Is that what's happening here? Or is there
Speaker 2: some sort of you know, movement forward, because if there's
Speaker 2: no movement forward, this is likely a sinking ship anywhay.
Speaker 2: And so they, you know, are they making the effort?
Speaker 2: Are you making the effort? Of course, you know, checking
Speaker 2: in with the right questions that I find a lot
Speaker 2: of people will say, oh, well, are you looking for
Speaker 2: a relationship? And people will say, yes, I am, But
Speaker 2: then that doesn't always mean it's true. So I think
Speaker 2: that question doesn't hold as much as it used to hold,
Speaker 2: you know, maybe back even before ask so I would
Speaker 2: get serious and ask them like, well, what did you
Speaker 2: learn about If you're already at that stage of talking
Speaker 2: and you've been talking a while, what did you learn
Speaker 2: from your last relationship? What did you learn about yourself,
Speaker 2: about your partner, about what kind of partner you are, right,
Speaker 2: what is the challenge that you've been through that you overcame? Like,
Speaker 2: are they willing to get vulnerable with you? Are they
Speaker 2: willing to share a part of their story or part
Speaker 2: of their life? And you will always see if someone
Speaker 2: is willing to share it or if we're going to
Speaker 2: just you know, dodge that question and go it right
Speaker 2: somewhere else. Additionally, what I love to say to women is,
Speaker 2: and this really helps you when it comes to the
Speaker 2: possibility attracting a narcissist, is if you notice that somebody
Speaker 2: is being a little pushy, or they say something that
Speaker 2: doesn't feel good for you, or they make reference to
Speaker 2: wanting to see a picture of you or sexual references
Speaker 2: or whatever it is, set a boundary. You do not
Speaker 2: need to please this person you just met a minute
Speaker 2: ago or five days ago. Set a boundary, and if
Speaker 2: they respect your boundary, that's a green flag. But if
Speaker 2: they don't, that's a And that's how you can avoid
Speaker 2: dating a narcissism, because a narciss will unlikely ever you're
Speaker 2: Another concept that comes up is someone who comes on
Speaker 2: too strong, so that can be a bit of a
Speaker 2: red flag as well, Like making plans to go on
Speaker 2: a trip, hasn't known you that long. They call it
Speaker 2: love bombing, right, or like you know, sending you numerous gifts,
Speaker 2: or just like calling you fifty times a day. I
Speaker 2: mean maybe not fifty, but even five times a day.
Speaker 2: That is a red flag, right, Somebody who's like racing
Speaker 2: down the pace and giving you everything you want to
Speaker 2: hear and telling you everything that is like a dream.
Speaker 2: It's likely a dream, it's not the reality. So I
Speaker 2: hope that's helpful.
Speaker 1: I would add to that list, like anybody that just
Speaker 1: starts sending you nudes.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, we don't see that too much out here,
Speaker 2: but yeah, I can imagine and that in other places
Speaker 2: that would be a huge red FuG Well.
Speaker 1: I won't go into why I said that, but I
Speaker 1: know for a fact that that's happening, especially among teenagers
Speaker 1: a lot in North American schools and stuff. They're just
Speaker 1: jumping right from hello to sending nudes and stuff. And
Speaker 1: then the kid, believe it or not, like sixteen seventeen
Speaker 1: years old, turns out to be a narcissist and nut job,
Speaker 1: a crazy stalker.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: Nudes get released all over the school and when they
Speaker 1: don't get their way and things like that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I do believe it because narcissism would start in
Speaker 2: you know, your childhood, we like you would, you would
Speaker 2: be exposed to one already and that's how you've found
Speaker 2: the behavior. Yeah, well any others, like I've got a
Speaker 2: few different ones here. Just check that the person is
Speaker 2: consistent with you. That's a green flag. Are they consistently messaging?
Speaker 2: Are they consistently taking action to want to connect with you?
Speaker 2: Or are they hot and cold? Do they come and go?
Speaker 2: Do they make excuses like I was so busy or
Speaker 2: you know, I had so much going on. I personally,
Speaker 2: I think if you like somebody, you show up. You
Speaker 2: don't have excuses. You can have a busy day, of course,
Speaker 2: but you show up. You don't take five six days
Speaker 2: where you don't talk to the person and then you've
Speaker 2: probably heard like you know, do the words meet the actions?
Speaker 2: If they say that they'd like to go on a date,
Speaker 2: or have they asked? Have they planned to something? Is
Speaker 2: something occurring? And for women, I you know, I find
Speaker 2: that women and I think it's important to stay in
Speaker 2: your feminine energy. But I also believe that if you
Speaker 2: want to take an approach of like asking someone to
Speaker 2: do something like, don't be scared if intuitively, if it's
Speaker 2: coming up for you, if you find intuitively that you
Speaker 2: want to be like, Okay, I'm free on Friday or
Speaker 2: I'm free this weekend, let's hang out. That's okay for
Speaker 2: you to take that first step, as long as they
Speaker 2: meet you on the other side, and it's not always
Speaker 2: you taking that step.
Speaker 1: Okay, great, so let's fast forward here, you found somebody,
Speaker 1: everything is going good. How do couples maintain intimacy and
Speaker 1: excitement over a long period of time, especially after that
Speaker 1: honeymoon phase comes to an end.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean so I've personally seen my marriage go
Speaker 2: from a passionate one to a sex list one. So
Speaker 2: in terms of like, you know, physical intimacy, that was
Speaker 2: really hard to see because everything was there in the
Speaker 2: beginning and we're seventeen years in now, right, so a
Speaker 2: lot of like the stigma is like, oh, well, you know,
Speaker 2: of course that's fade over time. But now that we're
Speaker 2: back to a passionately, you know, intimate relationship, I don't
Speaker 2: believe that. I believe that it's important to always advocate
Speaker 2: for what intimacy means to you. The intimacy can come
Speaker 2: up physically, it can come up emotionally, mentally, whatever it is.
Speaker 2: But if you feel that you need intimacy to you,
Speaker 2: is a quality conversation like the one you were saying
Speaker 2: that you have with your wife before your partner, before bed, right,
Speaker 2: that's a quality conversation that you have together that is intimacy.
Speaker 2: And if that matters to you, then make sure you're
Speaker 2: doing it. Make sure you guys are committed to For us,
Speaker 2: it's just Monday nights. For you guys, it's every night. Right,
Speaker 2: Make sure you stay committed and consistent with one thing
Speaker 2: in your relationship and try to do something together, like
Speaker 2: whether it's you know, I don't know, going to a bookstore,
Speaker 2: reading the same book or whatever it is, like, try
Speaker 2: to have something in common that keeps the relationship having
Speaker 2: in you know, new things to talk about.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: So that would be another thing that I think is
Speaker 2: really important when it comes to emotional intimacy. Knowing that
Speaker 2: if you're feeling distant from your partner and you want
Speaker 2: to avoid it, and you want to distract yourself and
Speaker 2: you want to pretend you're okay. I will circle back
Speaker 2: to what I said in the beginning, you are better
Speaker 2: off saying what you feel versus avoiding your feeling, Like,
Speaker 2: don't pretend you're fine when you're hurting, even in your relationship, right,
Speaker 2: And I've done this so much so I'm someone who
Speaker 2: can tell you how many times I pretended I was fine,
Speaker 2: which was self sabotage, versus actually admitting that I was disappointed,
Speaker 2: I was hurt. And when you go into that, you know,
Speaker 2: it's not like you're looking for someone to fix the situation,
Speaker 2: but you just You're allowed to be hurt. You're allowed
Speaker 2: to say what you feel without getting a solution to
Speaker 2: the problem, and it's important to advocate that. Another thing
Speaker 2: I would say is that when we go into a relationship,
Speaker 2: we look for our partners to meet all of our
Speaker 2: emotional needs. So we have four psychological emotional needs, the
Speaker 2: need for connection, the need for acknowledgment, the need for sovereignty,
Speaker 2: and the need for pleasure. Your partner cannot meet all
Speaker 2: of your needs if you do not meet your own,
Speaker 2: that will never happen. And so we go into relationship
Speaker 2: believing that our partner has to be the one to
Speaker 2: give us all of that, and it is going to
Speaker 2: leave you very disappointed, because no human can give you
Speaker 2: all of that and also take care of themselves. So
Speaker 2: what I like to remind people in new relationships and
Speaker 2: relationships that are ongoing is that you've got to learn
Speaker 2: to meet your own needs. Meet your own needs for connection.
Speaker 2: What are you doing to connect with yourself? Daid? How
Speaker 2: are you checking it for yourself? What are you acknowledging
Speaker 2: about yourself? Like if I'm waiting for my partner to
Speaker 2: tell me he's proud about something I did, I liked
Speaker 2: it a lot with the kids that day, and I
Speaker 2: just want him to say, well, maybe did such a
Speaker 2: good job. Why am I not telling myself that? Why
Speaker 2: am I not acknowledged acknowledging myself for how what a
Speaker 2: great effort I put in taking care of for this today?
Speaker 2: So acknowledge yourself. Do not wait for your partner to
Speaker 2: only do it now. This doesn't mean your partner doesn't
Speaker 2: do it, but it's sort of like you got to
Speaker 2: fill your cop up before you can you know, expect
Speaker 2: anything from anyone else. And if you go to your
Speaker 2: partner with your cup completely empty, you even if he
Speaker 2: fills it up or she fills it up, it's never
Speaker 2: going to feel enough because you're going there empty, it's
Speaker 2: always going to feel like you need more, right and
Speaker 2: so a need for meeting acknowledgment is to say what
Speaker 2: you're proud of about yourself, what you appreciate about yourself,
Speaker 2: Acknowledge if you're having a hard day. A lot of
Speaker 2: us just judge ourselves for having a hard day and
Speaker 2: we try to dismiss it. If you're having a hard day.
Speaker 2: I'm having a hard day. This feels really tough. I
Speaker 2: don't know what's going on, but I'm struggling to It's
Speaker 2: okay to struggle. I'm allowed to struggle today. I don't
Speaker 2: have to change it. Just meet yourself where you're at.
Speaker 2: Allow whatever is existing to exist, because when you do,
Speaker 2: it actually simmers. It doesn't escalate. If you distract and
Speaker 2: you push it away, it comes forward and it keeps
Speaker 2: knocking on the door, like you know, a very eager
Speaker 2: child who wants to get candy and Halloween or something
Speaker 2: like that. So we can't, you know, we think that
Speaker 2: our partner needs to meet these needs, and I'm not
Speaker 2: saying that they don't, but we first have to be
Speaker 2: the one to meet them. Like tomorrow, I know I
Speaker 2: need to meet the need for a sovereign day. So
Speaker 2: what I've done is I've set a boundary. I've told
Speaker 2: my partner that I'm not able to pick up the
Speaker 2: kids tomorrow from school. I'm leaving at twelve after I
Speaker 2: finish work. I'm going to my favorite place, the beach,
Speaker 2: and I'm going to go swimming, and I'm going to
Speaker 2: be back at nine at night. I don't know what
Speaker 2: I'm going to do between twelve and nine, but I'm
Speaker 2: going to have a day or half a day that
Speaker 2: I meet my need for sovereignty, and I'm going to
Speaker 2: feel free, and I'm going to have no like restriction on,
Speaker 2: you know, having to do this for this person or that.
Speaker 2: And he totally respects that, and he's meeting me halfway
Speaker 2: and he's going to take on the responsibilities of the
Speaker 2: rest of the day. I'm going to enjoy myself, and
Speaker 2: I think I'm going to come back. I know I'm
Speaker 2: going to come back so much more available for all
Speaker 2: all the men in my life, my partner and my
Speaker 2: little men as well, because I did that so to
Speaker 2: meet your need. No one's going to do that for you.
Speaker 2: Nobody is going to do that for you. Nobody's going
Speaker 2: to save you from them. And the last one is pleasure.
Speaker 2: So how do you pleasure yourself? Right? So do you
Speaker 2: like If you like a coffee, that could be a
Speaker 2: nice pleasure, a nice tea, or maybe you I love
Speaker 2: a walk. A walk is always pleasurable for me, being
Speaker 2: in nature, listening to the birds, being by the trees,
Speaker 2: a swim. So, however pleasure looks like in your life,
Speaker 2: it could be listening to some you know, very soothing
Speaker 2: classical music as you do a puzzle. I mean, whatever
Speaker 2: it is, right, meet that need for yourself, don't wait
Speaker 2: for your partner to meet it. I know I've gone
Speaker 2: on about the same thing, but it's so important.
Speaker 1: No, that's really important because there's this toxic idea in
Speaker 1: society that gets pushed by TV and romance novels and
Speaker 1: stuff where it's like our relationships fifty to fifty and
Speaker 1: each person gives their half, But it's not really that.
Speaker 1: It's each person brings their one hundred percent to the
Speaker 1: table and they're stable, and they feel healthy, and they
Speaker 1: feel joyful and their mind is ready to go and
Speaker 1: tackle the day together. Because, like you've said, you still
Speaker 1: have your own journeys and things that you may need
Speaker 1: to do stuff on your own, and if you are
Speaker 1: co dependent on a person, that can lead to trouble
Speaker 1: as well.
Speaker 2: I'm like, correct, I mean I was, so I know
Speaker 2: exactly that you're not with mine. You know, I have
Speaker 2: a sole wound of abandonment not come into this life,
Speaker 2: and I've decided to heal this wound. And I get
Speaker 2: why I'm doing it, but it has been something that
Speaker 2: comes up recurring in my life and I see it,
Speaker 2: you know, I see it through codependency, through always like
Speaker 2: taking on other people's emotions, right, and being like the
Speaker 2: savior and the fixture. So you have to watch these
Speaker 2: behaviors in yourself, and the more that you can become
Speaker 2: aware of your behaviors, like, the less you're going to
Speaker 2: engage in. It's a practice, right, it's practice to be like, oh,
Speaker 2: I'm victimizing right there, or I am trying to fix
Speaker 2: the situation, or I am making my poor me mentality,
Speaker 2: or I'm taking on someone's emotions, like you have to
Speaker 2: be aware of where you are coming from your wound
Speaker 2: and where you're like participating, perpetuating and making your life harder,
Speaker 2: like you're creating your own suffering.
Speaker 1: All right. So in my relationship. We kind of laugh
Speaker 1: at it because it doesn't work for us. The idea
Speaker 1: of love language is we, personally, for the two of us,
Speaker 1: we think it's garbage. If it works for other people,
Speaker 1: we think that's great. But we don't really have love languages.
Speaker 1: We just constantly show up for each other as much
Speaker 1: as we possibly can. We don't even think about it.
Speaker 1: You don't try to anticipate anything, or call anybody, or
Speaker 1: try to cater to anybody's needs. We just talked straight, right,
Speaker 1: So I get that that doesn't work for us, but
Speaker 1: for others. How can understanding the concept of a love
Speaker 1: language improve the relationship? Right now? How would you recommend
Speaker 1: then that within the context of a couple you can
Speaker 1: navigate those differences.
Speaker 2: I think that you're seeking from your partner what you
Speaker 2: didn't get from your parents when it comes to a
Speaker 2: loved one. So if you didn't get words of affirmation,
Speaker 2: you're hoping that your partner will fill that cup for you.
Speaker 2: And again I would circle back to you got to
Speaker 2: fill it for yourself first.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's why for us we just think it's garbage
Speaker 1: because we both grew up in environments. Her father died
Speaker 1: when she was young, her mother didn't really care very much.
Speaker 1: So by the time, you know, we were both seventeen,
Speaker 1: we were out into the world, just living life for ourselves,
Speaker 1: getting her learning things. We had to validate ourselves at
Speaker 1: every step, is what I'm saying. So by the time
Speaker 1: we got together, we'd already been valid you know, we
Speaker 1: already had our card stamped and approved. We were ready
Speaker 1: to go, right, So we weren't looking for that mommy
Speaker 1: daddy connection from anybody else. We already figured it out,
Speaker 1: you know. So yeah, in agreeance with you. If that's
Speaker 1: where you're at, you know, you have to be conscious
Speaker 1: of those things, and there is a life where you know,
Speaker 1: you can expect that you don't have those challenges anymore.
Speaker 1: It just takes practice, you.
Speaker 2: Know, it is it's just practice. It's you know, it's
Speaker 2: understanding that we're all going to have days. You know,
Speaker 2: we're all going to sometimes need to be able to
Speaker 2: feel supported, and that's totally normal. But like, if that's
Speaker 2: what you need, Okay, this is a good example. I
Speaker 2: remember when I had been going through, like, you know,
Speaker 2: my journey and stuff, and I had been appreciating myself
Speaker 2: for quite some time, but I was like, I wonder
Speaker 2: if my partner is going to appreciate good thing, is
Speaker 2: it going to happen? Like I wasn't counting on it,
Speaker 2: but I was just curious. I was sort of like
Speaker 2: testing a couple of methods out in terms of, you know,
Speaker 2: the work that I do and like, okay, you know,
Speaker 2: if I'm appreciating myself and I'm really working on that,
Speaker 2: is he going to do it? And sometimes I think
Speaker 2: it's just going to the person saying Babe, you know,
Speaker 2: i'd really love for you to just appreciate one thing
Speaker 2: about lets your ego gode, dissolve your ego for one second,
Speaker 2: and if you really need something, just to be honest
Speaker 2: about it. You know, if you really need to be
Speaker 2: acknowledged for something, or you really need to be appreciated,
Speaker 2: or you really want to hug, just ask. We get
Speaker 2: so stuck in the ego, like I don't want to
Speaker 2: do I'm not going to appreciate. I'm not going to
Speaker 2: ask him to do that for me or ask her
Speaker 2: to do that for me. If they can't figure it out. Again,
Speaker 2: they're not a mind reader. They're not going to figure
Speaker 2: it out, and you're setting your relationship up for a failure.
Speaker 2: If you keep waiting for that person to figure it out,
Speaker 2: so as your ego dissolves and it stops fighting, you
Speaker 2: know that story of what that person needs to do
Speaker 2: for you or how they must show up for you.
Speaker 2: Could you just simply tell them what you need and
Speaker 2: could they just like in a nice way, not in
Speaker 2: a you know, you didn't do this, and not in
Speaker 2: a planning and putting them down we're criticizing them way
Speaker 2: that Like, you know, I'm kind of having a really
Speaker 2: hard time today and it would really help me if
Speaker 2: you just appreciated one thing about and that person when
Speaker 2: you say it that way, like they're all going to
Speaker 2: be on board. You know, Oh that's a simple thing
Speaker 2: to do. Like, you know, I really appreciate you know
Speaker 2: how hard you've been working to plan the strip to Thailand.
Speaker 2: Like whatever it is, right, they're going to be on board.
Speaker 1: Yeah, give each other a love to would be something
Speaker 1: I would add to that and let the other person
Speaker 1: receive it, or you know, if you're the one that
Speaker 1: needs to receive it, just take the hug man. Don't
Speaker 1: be like because there are just a lot of couples
Speaker 1: where people are like, ah, I helged my partner and
Speaker 1: they asked me what was wrong because I hugged them.
Speaker 1: You know, don't be like that. Just take the hug man, yeah, exactly,
Speaker 1: or take the compliment or something. Just don't don't block it.
Speaker 1: Don't throw up any walls for any reason, because sometimes
Speaker 1: you're not even throwing up walls because you mean to
Speaker 1: you just you're doing something and your partner comes up
Speaker 1: behind you and hugs you, for example, and you're like,
Speaker 1: what do you want? You know, like, that's not a
Speaker 1: good attitude to have, right, Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2: I think my partner does that to me all the
Speaker 2: time because it's also you know, where did you come from?
Speaker 2: What is that? But yeah, I think be open to expressing,
Speaker 2: you know, expressing through your body, expressing through your words,
Speaker 2: expressing what's coming up for you, and quit believing that
Speaker 2: someone knows what you're going through, even if that person
Speaker 2: who's known you seventeen they don't. Right, we don't have
Speaker 2: to suffer in silence. So if if something's coming up,
Speaker 2: say it, because if you don't, you build resentment, and
Speaker 2: resentment is the killer of all relationships.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so let me solve disclose for a little bit.
Speaker 1: When I was three, I was engaged to be married.
Speaker 1: My fiance broke up with me via text message, and
Speaker 1: all she said is that it's the little things that
Speaker 1: add up that broke my heart. Floored me. But eventually
Speaker 1: I got to a point where I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: she's just a miserable ass and she doesn't actually like
Speaker 1: herself very much, but I have to fix me. So
Speaker 1: I stayed single for six years and went on a
Speaker 1: radical journey of personal growth to try to figure out
Speaker 1: how to heal and to make sure that I never
Speaker 1: was the person that I was when all those things
Speaker 1: that I allegedly did that I don't have any proof
Speaker 1: that I did, but I still took responsibility for them
Speaker 1: anyway happened. Does that make sense to you?
Speaker 4: So?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I absolutly brave that she looked within.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because I was like, you know what, it doesn't
Speaker 1: make any sense trying to figure out because when somebody
Speaker 1: tells you something like that, it's obvious they don't want
Speaker 1: to talk to you, they don't want to see you,
Speaker 1: so they're not going to give you any closure or
Speaker 1: clarity as to how you can improve yourself. Those chances
Speaker 1: are they probably don't even know either. They're reactive, they're
Speaker 1: probably judging you all these different things. Right, So there's
Speaker 1: a lot of really bad breakups that happen out there.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about healing after heartbreak. So for anybody who's
Speaker 1: gone through a painful breakup, what's the first thing that
Speaker 1: they should do to begin healing so they can move forward?
Speaker 2: Okay, that is such a good question. I actually have
Speaker 2: a client that just messaged me last week and she
Speaker 2: was like, why why didn't you choose me? Why didn't
Speaker 2: it go forward? Why did he just ghost me and
Speaker 2: not talk to me? Because I feel like people also
Speaker 2: get heartbreak when they're ghosted and hasn't even been that long,
Speaker 2: but it just hurts like it's rejection, right, And she
Speaker 2: was looking for the answer, like you said, for why why? Why?
Speaker 2: And so the first thing that I would say is
Speaker 2: to just meet yourself where you're at. You need to
Speaker 2: give yourself so much compassion, give yourself compassion and feel
Speaker 2: the hurt. Feel it. So this is how I feel
Speaker 2: an emotion, any emotion. I sit with it for ninety seconds,
Speaker 2: I put a timer on and I feel it as
Speaker 2: sensation in and it is like a wave that comes
Speaker 2: to the scene and it goes. It'll come in a
Speaker 2: really big sensation. It can be in your heart, your belly,
Speaker 2: your shoulders, whatever it is. This is what I also
Speaker 2: use with my clearing the Fears of conscious reprogramming method.
Speaker 2: You feel the emotion and it'll come in the biggest intensity,
Speaker 2: but it will always break. Just like a wave reaches
Speaker 2: the shore and it breaks at the shoreline, that emotion
Speaker 2: will always break. So allow yourself to feel it, because
Speaker 2: it's so easy to distract yourself. It's so easy to
Speaker 2: get caught up in talking about the person and focusing
Speaker 2: on what they did wrong, and as asking the why questions,
Speaker 2: which I'm not saying are not going to happen. Been like,
Speaker 2: we're all human and you're allowed to have periods where
Speaker 2: you ask those why questions, but know that all those
Speaker 2: whys are almost just a layer covering up what you're
Speaker 2: not willing to feel. And if you were to just
Speaker 2: sit with your hurt, which is so foreign to so
Speaker 2: many of us because we are not taught this. And
Speaker 2: this is what I'm teaching my sons to do right now.
Speaker 2: I'm teaching them this so they don't have to learn
Speaker 2: it when they're adults like I did. And so I'm
Speaker 2: really proud of that I'm doing with them, and so
Speaker 2: feel what you're feeling. If it's anger, feel it like,
Speaker 2: take a pillow, slam it to the floor, get it
Speaker 2: out of your body. Let that anger move through you.
Speaker 2: If it is sadness, of course, you know, let yourself cry,
Speaker 2: let yourself be upset, and stop questioning why you're so hurt.
Speaker 2: If you only knew the person for three weeks or
Speaker 2: one month or six months, you're hurt. Because you're hurt.
Speaker 2: You don't have to question how long you knew that
Speaker 2: person for it to equate to your heartbreaking less or
Speaker 2: more than what it is. Meet yourself where you're at,
Speaker 2: because likely your heartbreak is already triggering an open mound
Speaker 2: from your past experiences anyway, And that's why it feels so.
Speaker 1: Hard, right And the example that I gave you from
Speaker 1: my own life, I think what I realized at that time,
Speaker 1: it was hard because that was the first time that
Speaker 1: I had more or less been told that even though
Speaker 1: deep inside I know that I'm a good person. And
Speaker 1: then I did the best that I could, I still
Speaker 1: wasn't perfect and that life wasn't perfect. And it hit
Speaker 1: me like a ton of breaks.
Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, And like we can put a lot of
Speaker 2: like you know, blame on ourselves as well. And we
Speaker 2: can blame ourselves for not showing up the way that
Speaker 2: you know could. We can look for reasons why it
Speaker 2: didn't work out, what we did wrong. Like, you can
Speaker 2: go down so many rabbit holes and heartbreak and it
Speaker 2: is so toxic. So you have to watch your mindset.
Speaker 2: You really have to watch your mindset. That's for coaching
Speaker 2: is good, right, because you can look at your mindset
Speaker 2: and your feelings, watch your mindset and feel wherever you're feeling,
Speaker 2: and allow yourself to be where you're at, regardless of
Speaker 2: the duration of the experience, regardless of what you did
Speaker 2: or what they did. It is what it is in
Speaker 2: terms of what's coming up for you. So be that
Speaker 2: person who's willing to sit with you and deal with you.
Speaker 2: Be that person for yourself, right, and like try your
Speaker 2: best to Like I know it's hard not to talk
Speaker 2: about it to other people, but I feel like then
Speaker 2: you just kind of get stuck in that energy as well,
Speaker 2: of like people kind of perpetuating your story to you
Speaker 2: and getting stuck in a cycle of like, yeah, he's
Speaker 2: such a this so she said to that, you know,
Speaker 2: like kind of riling you up to stay stuck. And
Speaker 2: notice that if you are willing to feel whatever you're feeling,
Speaker 2: you will always come out a stronger version of yourself,
Speaker 2: a more aware version of yourself, and you'll always feel lighter. Always.
Speaker 1: Yeah, just name it and shame it.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 1: What about the single folks out there? I personally know
Speaker 1: a lot that are struggling with being single. They feel
Speaker 1: as though they're at a certain age and they want
Speaker 1: to settle down in all these stories that they tell themselves.
Speaker 1: And you know, we live in a world that celebrates
Speaker 1: being in a couple. It's glamorized. If you know, you
Speaker 1: found your high school love and you've got the perfect relationship.
Speaker 1: All this stuff that really just is not the reality.
Speaker 1: What advice do you have for someone who is learning
Speaker 1: to enjoy their single life and maybe they want to
Speaker 1: continue to grow as a person, I should say.
Speaker 2: So, there's so many different ways, right, like of how
Speaker 2: you can be single again or have been it for
Speaker 2: a while. I hear on a superficial level things like
Speaker 2: I'm focusing on myself, and then it's like, how are
Speaker 2: you focusing on yourself? Okay, so there's I'm doing my nails,
Speaker 2: I'm going from massage as I'm traveling, like all that
Speaker 2: sort of superficial stuff at the top. So I think
Speaker 2: in order to enjoy it, that's one part of it
Speaker 2: of focusing on yourself, putting yourself worst, you know, wherever
Speaker 2: you can. But I would go back to the emotional needs.
Speaker 2: I would go back to learning to meet your emotional
Speaker 2: needs when you're single, whether it's that you came out
Speaker 2: of a relationship or you are just learning about this,
Speaker 2: like really learning to connect with yourself, check in with yourself,
Speaker 2: to notice what helps you feel sovereign, to pleasure yourself
Speaker 2: with whatever helps you feel pleasure right, and to acknowledge yourself,
Speaker 2: to acknowledge when there are hard days and you're believing
Speaker 2: that leve will never happen for you, or to acknowledge
Speaker 2: when you're feeling lonely you're alone, or to acknowledge when
Speaker 2: you're actually quite joyful for not having a partner in
Speaker 2: your life that's okay too. So I would go back
Speaker 2: to that for everybody, whether you're in a relationship, whether
Speaker 2: you are single, whether you're dating. I think it's a
Speaker 2: common thread that can help all of us. Yes, and
Speaker 2: remembering that it's it's all about phases right and watching
Speaker 2: yourself again get stuck in the same story. I hear
Speaker 2: a lot of oh, there's no single you know, there's
Speaker 2: no single part with men or women in my city.
Speaker 2: Everyone's taken. That is freaking bullshit. Everybody is not taken.
Speaker 2: There are people coming out of relationships into relationships, Like
Speaker 2: you know, there are plenty of people out there. But
Speaker 2: if you decide that everyone's taken, the universe will show
Speaker 2: you everyone's taken. It's exactly what you'll get back into.
Speaker 2: So watch your mindset, you know. Or like there's a
Speaker 2: lot of like stigma around age too. So if I
Speaker 2: am forty or forty five or fifty, like, oh my
Speaker 2: chances for love are gone. Like it's no who said
Speaker 2: what because we saw this on a TV show or
Speaker 2: society or a magazine. I mean, you actually have like
Speaker 2: celebrities that are like well into their fifties and sixties
Speaker 2: and they're still making connections. So that's actually proof. But
Speaker 2: it doesn't matter what age you are, that you can
Speaker 2: find companionship at any age because people are coming in
Speaker 2: and out of situation.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And another one that I've seen too that I
Speaker 1: want to throw in the hat is that I've had
Speaker 1: clients argue with me that they're too old to have kids.
Speaker 1: They're like forty, and they're like, oh, I'm a woman,
Speaker 1: I'm forty, I'm never going to have kids. I'm like,
Speaker 1: where'd you hear that from? My doctor told me that, Well,
Speaker 1: get another doctor. Yeah, absolutely, be happy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's actually it's not true. So if you
Speaker 2: do look at like, you actually check into it, you know,
Speaker 2: I think, I mean a lot of women these days
Speaker 2: are having kids at forty four, forty five, forty six,
Speaker 2: forty seven. Like it's all mindset again, right, Like if
Speaker 2: you put yourself in a box, you'll stay in the box.
Speaker 2: But what I would tell those people is if you
Speaker 2: go looking for proof that women are having children over forty,
Speaker 2: you will find it. And that should be what you're
Speaker 2: showing your brain. Show your brain proof that it's possible.
Speaker 2: Ask for it, go look for it, be curious, and
Speaker 2: once you show your brain enough proof of that, it'll
Speaker 2: start to actually take on that belief. And again you
Speaker 2: will notice people telling you stuff. People are always telling
Speaker 2: you things, and you're absorbing everything that people are saying.
Speaker 2: You know, be brave enough to be like, I actually
Speaker 2: am not in alignment with that thought or that you know,
Speaker 2: opinion of yours right now, or this is my opinion,
Speaker 2: and so you can leave it at that. You can
Speaker 2: get caught up in you know, people tell you all stories.
Speaker 2: So I you know, I tried for years to have
Speaker 2: a kid and this had happened. Oh, like I was
Speaker 2: over forty and you know, you can always like it's
Speaker 2: kind of like when people share their pregnancy stories, like
Speaker 2: or their birth stories. You don't want to get caught
Speaker 2: up with that because it's just going to get absorbed
Speaker 2: into you, like you're sucking in all of that. Right.
Speaker 2: You got to keep your space clean. You have to
Speaker 2: keep your you have to protect yourself. You have to
Speaker 2: have a clear energy around you when it comes to
Speaker 2: what people are telling you and what you're absorbing from society.
Speaker 2: Everything that we see.
Speaker 1: It's true. And as a rule of thumb, anytime you
Speaker 1: believe something too strongly, back from it and try to
Speaker 1: figure out whether it's just you or if it's the reality.
Speaker 1: Most of the time you'll find that it's not the
Speaker 1: reality at all.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just you.
Speaker 1: M hm. So I want to wrap up here shortly,
Speaker 1: but I'm going to beg you for a coaching success story.
Speaker 1: Just share with me a success story where a couple
Speaker 1: overcame a major hurdle through your coaching.
Speaker 2: Okay, So I have a success story for a single
Speaker 2: woman and a couple. So do you want to vote? Okay?
Speaker 2: So I actually work with men too. So I was
Speaker 2: very blessed to work with the wife first and then
Speaker 2: the husband, and they were going through an avoidant avoidant
Speaker 2: anxious attachment trauma. Bond gave heard of that. So what
Speaker 2: I noticed the success story is that they were able
Speaker 2: to finally, i'm understand each other better, to learn to
Speaker 2: manage conflict for like once. So they went from very
Speaker 2: reactive communication to calm and considerate and respectful communication. They
Speaker 2: went from yelling in their home and passing that cycle
Speaker 2: onto their kids to not yelling anymore because they looked
Speaker 2: at themselves, They understood themselves, they did their inner child work,
Speaker 2: they looked at their patterns, and they learned to communicate
Speaker 2: in a way that was healthy. So he learned to
Speaker 2: set boundaries with his partner and stop pleasing, and she
Speaker 2: learned to stop the conflict, to stop the conflict when
Speaker 2: she was disregulated, to go meet her needs and get regulated.
Speaker 2: And so together they have come up stronger for their
Speaker 2: two young girls and for themselves, and I just feel
Speaker 2: so honored to have worked with both of them because
Speaker 2: I also really got to see I didn't work with
Speaker 2: them together at the same time. I first worked with
Speaker 2: a woman and then the man. I really got to
Speaker 2: see just how everybody has a story, Like, regardless of
Speaker 2: what role you play in your relationship, we all have fears,
Speaker 2: all have trauma, we all have hard things that we're
Speaker 2: going through, And if you can do the work to
Speaker 2: understand yourself, you can then relay that to your partner
Speaker 2: so much more better and you can have empathy and
Speaker 2: compassion for their experience, Like, you know, we can get
Speaker 2: stuck again in a lot of like oh, well, men
Speaker 2: are like this and women are like that, and we're
Speaker 2: just people. People are you know, they're going to have
Speaker 2: hard times. So that was very successful to see them
Speaker 2: overcome that, and I'm so proud of them. And they
Speaker 2: were just such fast learners. So I was really lucky
Speaker 2: actually because I only worked with you know, her partner
Speaker 2: for three months and her for six months. But they're
Speaker 2: doing great. I just checked up with them and they
Speaker 2: said that everything that they're learning, they're practicing. They still
Speaker 2: have hard moments, but now they have the tools to
Speaker 2: overcome it. And most importantly, they understand when the partner
Speaker 2: is triggering them or it's like a past experience or
Speaker 2: a childhood thing triggering them. And knowing that difference has
Speaker 2: really helped them as well.
Speaker 1: Cool, very cool.
Speaker 2: And then for the single For the single lady, I
Speaker 2: worked without here. So she had worked with like four
Speaker 2: coaches and gone to therapy, and she was looking for
Speaker 2: a partner in her life and she just kept meeting
Speaker 2: the wrong people. She kept getting stuck in situationships, people
Speaker 2: that didn't value her, that were wishy washy, that were
Speaker 2: not committed, and she was really like hopeless when she
Speaker 2: came to me. You know, she'd been recommended by another client,
Speaker 2: so that was probably the reason she came because of
Speaker 2: that recommendation. But she was very hopeless in love and
Speaker 2: she didn't think she was ever going to meet anybody.
Speaker 2: And while we were working together, she came from an
Speaker 2: abandonment moon, which I understand a lot because I also
Speaker 2: come from that, so I can deeply resonate with that
Speaker 2: when I work with people with anxious attachment or abandonment.
Speaker 2: And as we began to meet. She began to meet
Speaker 2: herself where she was accept the qualities about her except
Speaker 2: when she was a little needy, except when she was
Speaker 2: having a hard time, and she began to be compassionate
Speaker 2: to herself and go through that healing journey. She met
Speaker 2: her partner while we were together in the six months
Speaker 2: coaching container, and she got married a year later and
Speaker 2: they're doing good. I just checked in with them, and
Speaker 2: so that was a really powerful story just to see
Speaker 2: like she was just she just I think she had
Speaker 2: one really breakthrough session where she realized that everything she
Speaker 2: was looking for and somebody was not really what she
Speaker 2: was looking for. What she was looking for was safety,
Speaker 2: and she created that safety inside her and then she
Speaker 2: found someone. Okay, that's safety.
Speaker 1: That damn subconscious mind love safety really does. So here's
Speaker 1: my last question. What's one surprising piece of relationship advice
Speaker 1: that might seem unconventional but could actually make a huge difference.
Speaker 2: Hmm, okay, that's a good one. A lot going through
Speaker 2: my mind. I'm going to say repair now, the one
Speaker 2: I talked about earlier. Don't underestimate the power of owning
Speaker 2: up to your behavior and empathizing with how that made
Speaker 2: that person feel in creating reconnection and in saving the relationship,
Speaker 2: don't underestimate whether it's something that happened years ago or
Speaker 2: it's something that happened two hours ago. Like I know
Speaker 2: that I've done a lot of repair with my relationship
Speaker 2: with my older son because the mother I was to
Speaker 2: him when he was one to five is not the
Speaker 2: mother I am. And so the accountability I've taken, the
Speaker 2: ownership I've taken, and the willingness to repair and to
Speaker 2: own up for what I did that he might not
Speaker 2: remember now, but his subconscious mind remembers it one to
Speaker 2: five years old. That is what I believe will keep
Speaker 2: our relationship strong and he'll and heal help him feel
Speaker 2: is because I'm willing to be like when you were
Speaker 2: this age, I was like that that was not okay,
Speaker 2: and I'm willing to actually, you know, own up to it.
Speaker 2: So don't underest to me at all. It is so powerful.
Speaker 2: You can have a relationship that has been broken, you know,
Speaker 2: even between a parent and child or any other dynamic
Speaker 2: for ten years, and then repair comes in and it
Speaker 2: saves that relationship and it brings it back together.
Speaker 1: Well, that was great, Sasha Quins, Thanks for being on
Speaker 1: the Boundless Authenticity Podcast.
Speaker 2: Thank you for having me. I'm gonna have a lot
Speaker 2: of fun.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you're listening to the Boundless Authenticity Podcast where
Speaker 1: we discuss everything related to the evolution of human consciousness.
Speaker 1: That's very much.
Speaker 4: Willing to understand that the United States skills bunkers, which
Speaker 4: areas of stage on your lip every.
Speaker 2: Three much basically in your dream.
Speaker 5: Into your self conscious it is your love and your insolition,
Speaker 5: your creativity and imagination unchanged from conscious cis and and locate.
Speaker 2: allD real large quote for the soul by.
Speaker 4: How are conscious nu specronology cultus of agarium for your briery.
Speaker 4: We live in a multi dimensional reality, whether it comes
Speaker 4: through esetary information in the spiritual realms or the UFO
Speaker 4: people experiences, or mainstream on the physics and through Natum
Speaker 4: science and now realizing that parallel dimensions probably exist.
Speaker 2: We're all spiritual means, we're all having these human experience
Speaker 2: as we've heard that place over and over and over.
Speaker 2: But what does that really mean? You know, all of
Speaker 2: the questions of why we have these answers inside of
Speaker 2: our soul.
Speaker 4: We're ultimately studying the nature of what it is to
Speaker 4: be human, good and evil, our psychology, how we fitk
Speaker 4: our health. That's why I love Bruce Lee's great quote,
Speaker 4: all knowledge is ultimately self knowledge,