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Speaker 1: I know.

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Speaker 2: I have a quick question.

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Speaker 1: This is so random. Are you guys together? Okay, I

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was looking over there, and you guys just look like

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a good couple. Like you've been together a long time,

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almost five years. That's awesome. How do you know when

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you like someone?

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Speaker 3: Like?

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Speaker 1: How did you know that you liked her? And how

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did you know that you liked him?

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Speaker 4: Well, that's a little different for us.

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Speaker 2: That's wear in our fifties.

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Speaker 5: Recognize the honest answers and then how to weed out the.

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Speaker 4: But what's most important is are you going.

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Speaker 6: Through something.

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Speaker 7: Just a little bit?

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Speaker 1: Sorry, I'm sorry, I got you.

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Speaker 4: There, you go release it. You're gonna una.

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Speaker 2: Reason reason.

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Speaker 1: I'm content in every place of my life.

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Speaker 8: I have a fulfilling job and like.

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Speaker 2: I have friendships that are so life giving.

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Speaker 1: My family's amazing, and you know, my supporting system is

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more than I could ask for.

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Speaker 4: But it's just that one thing that I'm just like,

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how do I know when.

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Speaker 3: When I genuinely like someone?

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Speaker 1: And I don't know, I just saw so much love

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around it.

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Speaker 3: You got you as long as you are loving your life,

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and stop them because the person that they have to

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compliment your life, I mean, you guys both have to

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fit into something that's already wonderful and to be deserving them.

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Speaker 4: And you too, and you both of you because it's

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gonna be work. It's not easy. I made a cognitive

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decision to love.

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Speaker 5: Also, all you can be accountable is for your involvement

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and any misunderstanding. That's all you got control, okay, and

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you just do that the best of your ability.

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Speaker 4: You've got a whole bunch of life to.

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Speaker 9: Being in schools.

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Speaker 4: I'm gonna tell you what's so wonderfulul the fact that.

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Speaker 5: You took the chance to say, I'm having a moment,

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let me go talk to this whatever the universe has

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for you, keep.

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Speaker 4: That smile on you.

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Speaker 5: Just make sure you're ready to ask questions that are

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important to you.

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Speaker 4: And if it don't feel right, you trusted. If you

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don't feel right, don't trust it. But just be honest

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say hey, hey, I appreciate this, but this just is

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going in a direction that I'm gonna comfortable. But you're

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an okay person that some men can't take rejection to

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be careful. Yeah, but you know what, you just keep

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being the best person you can be. That's all you got.

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Control your emotion is genuine of wanting to have it.

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But don't feel like your time is clicking because it

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may not be.

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Speaker 5: You continue to be happy as long as you are

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having them all while you're enjoying your life, Gonna look back,

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even travel for.

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Speaker 1: You get to do it either.

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Speaker 3: I can country, hurry up by yourself, find some girls

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that want to go, or go by your damnself.

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Speaker 4: I have been on two cruises before I met her

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by myself, like.

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Speaker 5: Pops, Yeah, we got an extended little girl over here,

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all right?

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Speaker 4: And what's your name, sweetie guy? Jazz man versus book,

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It's called the relationship this man. I'll just stick the

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landing with the ex siting a toxic relationship.

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Speaker 5: That may just help you navigate on the type of

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questions you made w that ask.

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Speaker 4: When it's that time, like the relationship this man's name

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of the I connected this for a reason, so I'm

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not mad at that.

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Speaker 5: Like I said, you mean my heart good like man,

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a stranger decided to come, Pops, I'm cool with that.

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Speaker 1: That's good ship, thank you. I don't know what possessed

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me to ask that random couple for some relationship advice,

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but I am so happy that I listened.

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Speaker 4: I am so, so incredibly happy that I listened.

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Speaker 1: This is your side to start asking strangers questions.

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Speaker 9: Ladies and gentlemen. The voice of reason has returned to

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the scene of the conversation. Man, it's been a tough

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week in the name of sweet Baby raised Barbecue Sauce.

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But let me say this, I'm blown away. I am

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absolutely blown away. For many of you. You if you

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were listening to my show on Thursday night was Thursday,

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the sixth Thursday, the sixth of August, my second oldest

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other died in the hospital at Huntington Hospital in Pasadena, California.

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People who follow me noticed that clip that you just

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heard right from a young content creator. Her name is Jasmine.

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What's crazy is the clip was organic. She already had

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filmed it and she was holding onto it for a second,

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but she decided to drop it on the same day

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that my brother passed. My brother passed on a Thursday,

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seventeen years after my mother passed in two thousand and nine,

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on a Thursday. My brother had been struggling with alcoholism,

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and he was in a deeply toxic relationship and ashamed

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didn't want family to come see him in his current state,

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but we came anyway. He balked at it, he cussed

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everybody out, and then we loved on him, and then

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he softened and then he passed away. He was in

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a convalescent home for four days and then he got ill,

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and then they sent him back to the hospital. I

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text my sister, I said, Hey, what room is he in?

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Send me his room number, and I'm gonna get over

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there right now. She sends me the room number. I said, oh,

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my god. I looked at the room number, and I said, oh,

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he's not coming out of there, just by looking at

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the room number, because the room number was my mother's birthday,

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four fourteen, in the same hospital she died in seventeen

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years previously. On a Thursday, when I tell you the

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universe is finely tuned, divinely too. The same day, Jasmine

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drops a video that goes viral. That video clip I

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played at the beginning of the show has damn near

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a million views. She met a random couple African American

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brother and sister, and they nurtured and loved on her

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and mentored her in her moment of need, and randomly

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the brother and the couple says, hey, you should get

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this book called The Relationship Dismount How to stick the

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landing when Exiting a toxic relationship. That's my book, and

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because of her video, the book has gone viral. It's

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in the top ten on Amazon right now. Sometimes we

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don't want to have real conversations about life. We don't

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want to have real conversations about relationships. I remember when

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I first put the book out, people say, oh, this

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is a breakup book. I don't need a breakup book.

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We're doing fine, We're okay. They were afraid to read

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the information. And I know on this show, I hit

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you guys hard, and I hit you often. I hit

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you every day with tough topics, with difficult topics about relationships.

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But that young lady's video revived a book that is

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eleven years old. It came out in twenty fifteen, and

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I have her on the show Tonight, Ladies and Gentlemen,

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without further ado, My goodness, Jasmine, come on into the

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Voice of Reason, talk to me, young lady.

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Speaker 7: Hello, Hello, it's so nice.

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Speaker 3: Wow.

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Speaker 9: You know, I couldn't let this slide. I was like

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what people were tagging me and saying, Yo, they're talking

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about your book. They're talking about your book, and I said, no,

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get and I would listen to the video for a second,

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and I'm busy, ripping and running. I didn't finish it.

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And then finally I said, let me just sit down

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and listen to the whole thing. And when I sat down,

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I said, wow. And this happened on the same day

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my brother passes, so you know, I was busy with him.

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And then when you know, I had a moment to process,

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I listened to the video and I said, what is

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God up to? What is God is busy? God is working?

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So what I wanted to do for you was a

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continuation of what the couple was doing. And I have

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I have a whole topic laid out, but before I

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lay it, you know, lay it down, I really just

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want to answer some of your questions, if you have any.

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Speaker 10: Sure.

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Speaker 1: Well, first off, I just want to say I am

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so sorry for your loss. Thank you. I'm just learning

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about that today. So I'm in my room in tears

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because I just can't believe that the timing was that divine,

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even not just in the encounter in the video, but

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also posting it. I mean, as you mentioned, I had

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it in my draft sitting there and I was so

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embarrassed to post my vulnerability, and I was worried that

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people were going to think that was desperate or maybe

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just take things out of context. But the more I

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listened to it, the more I realized the message was

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so powerful that it almost felt greedy to keep it

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to myself. And I also didn't check what you that

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it was published until I started noticing people were in

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such disbelief in that interaction, the raw human interaction, that

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they thought it was like a skid or something, right, right, Yeah,

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And so I'm just so happy that it's reached the

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people that it needed to because a lot of those

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comments and private messages I've received have been people who

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also identify in that same issue of feeling stuck in

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their dating life. Especially with the dating apps and social media.

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It's completely changed the game. But a lot of the

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values and the lessons in the book are timeless and

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the still ring true today. So I really want to

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thank you for publishing this work.

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Speaker 9: Oh man, I'm excited to have you on and I

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have a topic here and I would just love for you,

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you know, to roll with me, and if you have questions,

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please ask those questions, Okay, awesome. Yeah, So you think

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about your questions and then I'm gonna set up our

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topic and then I'm gonna bring you back in. Is

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that cool?

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Speaker 1: That sounds perfect?

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Speaker 9: Perfect. Jasmine is on board with me tonight. She's revived

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the relationship dismount how to stick the landing when exiting

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a toxic relationship. And it's really interesting how social media works, right.

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A clip can just go viral and it'll wake up

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a title that is what they call a legacy title, right,

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an older title that you know had its run, and

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then people kind of discover it as they move along,

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but you never see a real tsunami of interest around it.

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And when I tell you what my last check, we've

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done in four days, fifty six copies and it is

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just going crazy. People have been getting the book and

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I don't know the couple. She didn't know the couple,

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and they just randomly mentioned the book. So let's get

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into tonight's topic. It's kind of loosely based on what

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Jasmine is experiencing and what probably many other people are experiencing.

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Tonight's topic when the reality of love outruns what you

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think you know about it, A deeper investigation into whether

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Intimate confusion is where conditioning loses its authority. Stuckness begins

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resisting the unknown, and relationship forces us beyond the psychological

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past that has been choosing for us. Human beings rarely

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fear confusion. They fear what confusion threatens to take away.

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Every intimate relationship begins with the quiet confidence that we

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understand love well enough to recognize it when it arrives.

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Then something unexpected happens. The relationship refuses to obey our expectations.

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Communication begins to break down, Our attraction levels and intensity

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begin to change, Conflict starts to emerge, and then the

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certainty that we were attached to in the beginning begins

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to dissolve. Almost instinctively. We conclude that confusion signals dysfunction, incompatibility, betrayal,

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or the beginning of the end. On tonight's topic, we're

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going to investigate a far more dangerous conclusion. What if

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intimate confusion is not always evidence that reality has become unclear?

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What if it marks the precise moment your existing understanding

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of love can no longer explain the reality standing right

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in front of you. What if confusion is the end

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of what you thought you knew about love, happiness and intimacy.

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When I come forward, the voice of reason will continue

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cooking up this meal.

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Speaker 6: This a dialogue you head in oh Hi, California. We

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had there.

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Speaker 11: A dialogue between doctor Bull and myself and to Sha

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and one David before yesterday. So maybe we continue with

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the dialogue.

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Speaker 6: And if should anybody join this or not at all?

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Speaker 11: We're asking if anybody feels like joining this, unless it

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is very very serious, would they join or they distantly

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if they don't want to, It's all right. So it's

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a conversation between doctor bourman myself.

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Speaker 6: Let's get on with it. See we were saying the

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other day, man a human being who has walked his

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way through all the.

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Speaker 11: Problems of life, both physical and psychological, and it's really

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grasped with full significance of freedom from psychological memories and conflicts,

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and traveled it comes to a point where the mind

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finds itself free but not but hasn't gathered that supreme

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energy to go beyond itself. That's what we were discussing

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the other day.

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Speaker 6: Can we still going on from there?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 11: Can the mind really mind brain, the whole psychological structure,

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the ever free from all.

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Speaker 6: Conflict from all shadow of any disturbance, disturbance, self disturbance,

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self disturbance, and all that. Can it ever be free?

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Speaker 11: Or the idea to a complete freedom is an illusion?

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Speaker 5: Yes, well that's one one possibility is that what we're.

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Speaker 2: Then some people might say we can have partial.

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Speaker 6: Freedom, partial freedom or human condition is so.

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Speaker 11: Determined by the past, by by its own auditioning, it

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can never free itself from it, like they like some

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of those intellectual philosophers have stated this.

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Speaker 4: Yes, most some people, I feel that's the case.

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Speaker 11: And really the the deep non citarian religious people, if

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there are there must be some who are totally free

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from all organized religions and beliefs and rituals, dougments, they have.

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Speaker 6: Said it can be done. Very few have.

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Speaker 1: Said this, well, of course those who have said it's

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done through reincarnation.

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Speaker 6: In addition, yes, it would take a very long time. Yes,

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they said, You've take a very long time.

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Speaker 11: You must go through various lives and suffer and go

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through all kinds of miseries, and ultimately.

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Speaker 6: You'll come to that. But we are not.

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Speaker 10: In the US, the riches society in history. Fully half

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of the citizens of a chronic disorders such as high

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blood pressure or diabetans. Anxiety amongst young people is growing rapidly,

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asthma and autoimmune diseases are on the rise, as our addictions,

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depression is rising, youth suicide is rising. All is not well.

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Speaker 12: I started heroin at twenty six.

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Speaker 4: That's what really destroyed me. Just taste the pain away.

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Speaker 1: It's easy to want to escape reality completely instead of

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coping with that.

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Speaker 10: And so the question is can we be human beings

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in the midst of civilization M because what we call

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civilization demands the denial of human needs.

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Speaker 1: MM.

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Speaker 9: Please, ladies and gentlemen. That was gobor Mate cooking with

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the rarest grease. You're listening to the Voice of Reason

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live on KBLA Talk fifteen eighty. We got a real

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discussion here when the reality of love outruns what you

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think you know about it. You see goobor Matie laying

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out the landscape of life on planet Earth and why

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depression is on the rise. Many of us have a

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sense of stuckness in our relationships, and I tend to

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believe we have this sense of stuckness because we use

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relationship as a means to escape the reality in which

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we live. Why can't I just be happy? Why can't

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I just find somebody and we just chill and it

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just be cool. That's because people don't understand the purpose

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of relationships. And I have a young lady on the

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line right now, and I'm a bringer right on in.

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Her name is Jasmine. Jasmine. Where are you from?

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Speaker 1: Originally, I'm from the Pacific Northwest, a.

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Speaker 9: DC. I'm at Washington, Oregon. Yeah, Washington, Come on? Those

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are our rivals down here? Oh yeah, college football? I

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got I went there, the Huskies. I love it. I

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love it. I'm so happy that you're here to join me.

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I really want to walk with you and talk with

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you about your story, about your relationship struggles or issues

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or questions. Please share with me. Do you have any questions?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I've got a couple questions. I think coming from

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that interaction, I've learned that I've been overthinking dating because

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I'm trying too hard to figure out if I'm compatible

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with someone, and I wasn't really asking the right questions.

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And I realized that I was losing my ability to

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experience getting to know someone. And I was also approaching

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dating in a very self centered way, where it's what

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can this person do for me instead of how can

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we compliment each other? And how could I also build

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up the other person that's in front of me? And

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I've also been pretty notorious for date eating my ideas.

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And then one of the chapters in the book specifically

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says not to date your ideas. And so I think

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I've been learning how to read the signs when someone

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is emotionally unavailable and walk away before I get to

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invest it, and then I fantasize a reality where they

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aren't like that. And yeah, so I think one of

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my first questions is how do you are one can't

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do right? Say? What question should I ask myself after

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a date to determine whether I like the person or

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I just liked how I felt around them?

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Speaker 9: Well, that's an interesting question. So my question back to

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you is before we answer that, because I'm gonna ask

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you to ask that question again, but I want you

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to ask it again from this perspective, What exactly are

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you looking to get from the relationship from this special person?

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This idea you said you used to date.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think the idea that I'm looking for is

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or that I find myself trying to fit people in.

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Is someone who's family oriented that I could raise a

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family with that my family would approve of, and they're

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pretty accepting. So I think I just put way too

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much pressure on that part too. And then also someone

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who treasures me and makes me feel soft and feminine,

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because it's really hard for me to step into that

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just because I've been I've been led by a lot

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of strong women and I'm inspired by them, and a

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lot of them are pretty independent and don't really rely

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on other people to wait make things happen for themselves.

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Speaker 9: So wait, let me show you something. You are outsourcing

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your power because you want someone to make you soft.

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That's an inside job. Now you've already mentioned the family pattern.

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The women are strong, but you want the man to

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come into your life and trigger your softness when you

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can do that yourself. I'm not saying it's a bad

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thing to want that. I'm not saying you should change

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that expectation, but you have to be what you seek

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in order to magnetize it into your life. DC. Oftentimes

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we want softness when in fact, you just gave me

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a perfect example. What do we do as children? According

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to developmental psychology, we model the environment we were raised

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in so you modeled the strength of the women in

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your household when you were a child, Right, But yet

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you want to be soft? So is it the man's

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responsibility to trigger it? Or is it your responsibility to say,

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you know what, as an adult woman who wants to

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be soft with a man, I don't need this part

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of my modeling that I inherited as a child. Dcy.

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Does that make sense? Yes, stay with me, don't go nowhere.

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Me and jazzmin we gonna keep cooking. The voice of

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reason is on complete fire tonight. I got a special

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one for you. Let's go.

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Speaker 12: So why does good sex so often fade, even for

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couples who continue to love each other as much as ever?

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And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex contrary

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to popular belief? Or the next question would be can

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we want what we already have? That's the million dollar question, right?

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And why is the forbidden so erotic? What is it

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about transgression that makes desires so potent? And why does

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sex make babies and babies spelerotic disaster in couples? It's

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kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn't it? And when

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you love, how does it seem.

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Speaker 9: That's ethel right. I want to get back to Jasmine

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because me and Jasmine are cooking right now. Jasmine, are

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you there with me?

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I'm still here.

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Speaker 9: All right. So you were asking, right, and I was

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answering right. I was telling you about the softness of

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a woman. Right, there's a power in women that men

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can never possess. You have it by default. You have it.

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So you have to go inside and realize, Oh, being

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a strong woman is good in certain areas, right, But

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if I want to attract a man who likes a

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soft woman, I have to cultivate that softness within myself.

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Do you know how to do that?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? I believe so.

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Speaker 9: Well, talk to me. What has been the problem?

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Speaker 1: I think it's more having my guardup around people and

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not necessarily feeling like it's safe to be vulnerable around

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someone understood.

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Speaker 9: Yes, yeah, Is it safe to be vulnerable with yourself?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 9: Yes? Okay, that's the start, right, Self vulnerability, self acceptance,

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self approval. Do you struggle with some of that?

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Speaker 1: I think I used to a lot more in the past,

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like ten years, but I've been going to therapy and

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doing the work to trust my instincts a little.

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Speaker 13: More and yeah, and just have positive self talk instead

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of always trying to put myself down or raise myself

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to these standards that don't really make sense for being

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a human.

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Speaker 9: Beautiful, But do you see how that kind of talk

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has its own frequency and vibration. And if you look

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at yourself as a type of lighthouse, right, what is

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the purpose of a lighthouse? What does it do? What

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is its function?

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Speaker 1: It draws people in from the storm from darkness.

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Speaker 9: Yeah, they see the light from the lighthouse, they say, oh,

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the shore is over there. Wayward ships sometimes we call

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in wayward situationships right from whatever frequency is emitting from us.

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I'm going to tell you this, A person you're looking

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for can never be the answer to your problems. They

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can only be a questiones to an answer that you

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carry within yourself. So let's play a little game. How

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many inside jobs are there? We've heard that happiness is

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an inside job, But how many other inside jobs are there?

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Can you enlighten me?

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Speaker 1: I wouldn't be able to put a number on it.

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Speaker 9: WHOA No, just name a few. If happiness is an

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inside job, what else would there be?

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Speaker 1: Fulfillment?

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Speaker 14: Yes, self fulfilling yes, yes, self esteem yeah, self work,

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but dignity. Yeah, So oftentimes we'll go into a relationship

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and say, how are you going to show up for me?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 9: You gave me that example in your opening statement. Right,

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we're supposed to go into relationships and observe how we're

437
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going to respond because guess what relationships offer for us,

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every individual that's in a relationship. Guess what it offers?

439
00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:23,640
Growth a mirror. And you're right, that's the right answer. Growth.

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But you can't grow unless you see yourself in real time.

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And relationships are mirrors. They show us through our partner,

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what we need to work on, what we need to

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deal with. The reason why I wrote the relationship dismount

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was to show people. You hear people talking about it

445
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all the time. Are there're patterns, negative patterns, patterns, patterns, patterns? Right?

446
00:32:47,119 --> 00:32:51,000
You hear people talk about patterns in relationships. Well, a

447
00:32:51,079 --> 00:32:56,599
gymnast uses a routine which is a type of pattern. Right,

448
00:32:56,640 --> 00:33:00,480
They use this routine and if they don't stick the

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landing for the routine, the routine is ruined. Right. That

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routine is a pattern. I say, oh, this is a

451
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beautiful metaphor for relationships. If we don't heal what broke

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us early or what we use to survive our our

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home environment, and listens to say that every home is

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toxic or broken or negative. But everybody has work that

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they need to deal with, even the best homes. Right,

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everybody's family has some kind of issue.

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Speaker 15: Right.

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Speaker 9: So all I'm saying is, if you don't address those

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issues and you go into the relationships, if relationship is

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a mirror the issues that you carry from home, you

461
00:33:46,759 --> 00:33:51,400
carry into your intimate life. Does that make sense? Right?

462
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So what should we do when we're going into relationships?

463
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We should be looking at ourselves? How am I going

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to react? Do I want to react or do I

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00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:04,480
want to respond? Do I know the difference from reaction

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and response? Is reaction negative? Is responding positive? Does that

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make sense?

468
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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 9: Yes? So I'm asking you. Sounds like you had a

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pretty good upbringing.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, oh yeah, I did.

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Speaker 9: So talk to me. What example are you trying to

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recreate from that life in your new intimate life?

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Speaker 1: I would say my parents they faced a lot of

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hardships being immigrants, teen parents, and they faced a lot

476
00:34:40,559 --> 00:34:44,079
of judgment and criticism because they had me out of wedlock,

477
00:34:45,079 --> 00:34:50,599
and they were always carrying that type of shame for

478
00:34:50,639 --> 00:34:54,639
a while, but they tried their best to give to

479
00:34:54,719 --> 00:34:58,840
others and give, give, give, Sometimes they would never receive

480
00:34:58,880 --> 00:35:02,840
a thank you. But their home has always been an

481
00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:08,639
open place that people can come and rest and just

482
00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:13,159
find some type of sanctuary in case they did run

483
00:35:13,199 --> 00:35:16,519
away or they got kicked out, or they have money problems.

484
00:35:18,199 --> 00:35:23,840
And they've had such a beautiful marriage and they're so affectionate,

485
00:35:24,039 --> 00:35:29,840
and they are always like each other's first person to

486
00:35:30,639 --> 00:35:33,280
talk about an issue or talk about their day. And

487
00:35:34,519 --> 00:35:37,320
they definitely do push it to the mags because they

488
00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:43,679
work together and they share their hobbies and friends. But

489
00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:49,280
I really do adore the way that they put each

490
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:53,840
other first, and they put their marriage first. So even

491
00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:57,679
when we have or they have like struggles with parenting

492
00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:01,719
with me and my sister, or they always make sure

493
00:36:01,760 --> 00:36:04,039
that they're good first and they're on the same page

494
00:36:04,119 --> 00:36:11,079
before introducing parenting or resolving another conflict outside of the family.

495
00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:15,159
Speaker 9: I love that. I love that you had a good upbringing, right,

496
00:36:17,159 --> 00:36:19,480
But you do know you have your own journey and

497
00:36:19,559 --> 00:36:25,119
your own path, and sometimes sometimes the hardest thing to

498
00:36:25,159 --> 00:36:29,360
do is try to recreate what you were born into.

499
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:35,199
Sometimes you have to create something new and in order

500
00:36:35,239 --> 00:36:38,559
to do that. One of the worst breakups to ever

501
00:36:38,679 --> 00:36:42,280
happen is the one with family. And when I say

502
00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:44,639
with family, I don't mean leave your family. I mean

503
00:36:44,719 --> 00:36:47,480
break up with the way and your image and your

504
00:36:47,599 --> 00:36:51,599
idea of how you think it should be. Because sometimes

505
00:36:52,079 --> 00:36:55,400
love will come out of nowhere, and because you're looking

506
00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:58,119
at it through this pattern, through this lens of what

507
00:36:58,199 --> 00:37:01,360
you think it should supposed to be, you might miss it.

508
00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:04,559
You might not recognize it staring you right in your face.

509
00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:09,880
Does that make sense? Yeah, stay right there, don't go nowhere. Jasmine,

510
00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:12,360
you are on fire right now, we are cooking. You

511
00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:16,719
are giving me life tonight. I love it. Jasmine is

512
00:37:16,760 --> 00:37:18,519
on the line when we come forward.

513
00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:22,800
Speaker 8: I love a great mystery, and I'm fascinated by the

514
00:37:22,800 --> 00:37:28,320
greatest unsolved mystery in science, perhaps because it's personal. It's

515
00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:31,719
about who we are, and I can't help but be curious.

516
00:37:32,800 --> 00:37:36,760
The mystery is this, what is the relationship between your

517
00:37:36,800 --> 00:37:41,000
brain and your conscious experiences, such as your experience of

518
00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:45,519
the taste of chocolate or the feeling of velvet. Now,

519
00:37:45,559 --> 00:37:49,679
this mystery is not new. In eighteen sixty eight, Thomas

520
00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:54,000
Huxley wrote, how it is that anything so remarkable as

521
00:37:54,039 --> 00:37:57,960
a state of consciousness comes about as the result of

522
00:37:58,079 --> 00:38:02,760
irritating nervous tissue. Is just as unaccountable as the appearance

523
00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:08,480
of the genie when Aladdin rubbed his lamp. Now, Huxley

524
00:38:08,519 --> 00:38:13,519
knew that brain activity and conscious experiences are correlated, but

525
00:38:13,639 --> 00:38:16,719
he didn't know why. To the science of his day,

526
00:38:17,119 --> 00:38:21,400
it was a mystery. In the years since Huxley, science

527
00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:25,079
has learned a lot about brain activity, but the relationship

528
00:38:25,079 --> 00:38:28,840
between brain activity and conscious experiences is still a mystery.

529
00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:34,639
Why why have we made so little progress? Well, some

530
00:38:34,719 --> 00:38:38,559
experts think that we can't solve this problem because we

531
00:38:38,679 --> 00:38:44,400
lack the necessary concepts and intelligence. We don't expect monkeys

532
00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:47,320
to solve problems in quantum mechanics, and as it happens,

533
00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:50,000
we can't expect our species to solve this problem either.

534
00:38:51,079 --> 00:38:55,119
Well I disagree. I'm more optimistic. I think we've simply

535
00:38:55,119 --> 00:38:58,760
made a false assumption. Once we fix it, we just

536
00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:01,840
might solve this problem. Today, I'd like to tell you

537
00:39:01,880 --> 00:39:05,199
what that assumption is, why it's false, and how to

538
00:39:05,239 --> 00:39:08,880
fix it. Let's begin with a question. Do we see

539
00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:13,320
reality as it is? I open my eyes and I

540
00:39:13,400 --> 00:39:16,639
have an experience that I describe as a red tomato

541
00:39:17,039 --> 00:39:20,920
a meter away. As a result, I come to believe

542
00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:24,039
that in reality, there's a red tomato a meter away.

543
00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:29,199
I then close my eyes and my experience changes to

544
00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:32,679
a gray field. But is it still the case that

545
00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:36,920
in reality there's a red tomato a meter away? I

546
00:39:36,960 --> 00:39:40,840
think so? But could I be wrong? Could I be

547
00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:47,119
misinterpreting the nature of my perceptions? We have misinterpreted our

548
00:39:47,159 --> 00:39:50,679
perceptions before. We used to think the Earth is flat

549
00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:54,840
because it looks that way, but Thagoras discovered that we

550
00:39:54,840 --> 00:39:57,960
were wrong. Then we thought that the Earth is the

551
00:39:58,079 --> 00:40:01,639
unmoving center of the universe, again because it looks that way.

552
00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:08,239
Coprinicus and Galileo discovered again that we were wrong. Galileo

553
00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:09,280
then wondered.

554
00:40:09,599 --> 00:40:13,480
Speaker 9: Ladies and gentlemen, the VR is back in the building,

555
00:40:13,519 --> 00:40:17,800
the Voice of Reason. I'm on the phone with Jasmine. Oh,

556
00:40:17,840 --> 00:40:20,960
I'm enjoying my time with Jasmine. Jasmine, are you enjoying

557
00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:22,400
your time on the vo R?

558
00:40:23,920 --> 00:40:24,159
Speaker 6: Oh?

559
00:40:24,280 --> 00:40:28,320
Speaker 9: Yeah, I love it. So that clip? Who was that

560
00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:32,360
clip by Andy? That was a good clip. He was

561
00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:37,880
talking about perspectivity, the perception. And I have a question

562
00:40:38,239 --> 00:40:44,840
for Jasmine. In this journey of relationships and learning how

563
00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:48,400
to connect with others and seeing what fits and what

564
00:40:48,519 --> 00:40:52,719
doesn't fit. That was Donald Hoffman, by the way, the

565
00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:58,400
clip What has come up that has shown you that

566
00:40:58,519 --> 00:41:04,199
your perception of your interactions with these various guys that

567
00:41:04,239 --> 00:41:08,199
you dated, you know, getting to know nothing serious? What

568
00:41:08,239 --> 00:41:10,280
has come up? They said? You know, I saw that wrong.

569
00:41:10,719 --> 00:41:14,119
My perception was off. Does that happen? What is the

570
00:41:14,159 --> 00:41:16,840
process of that and what do you learn? How do

571
00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:19,880
you change when something does come up and you go,

572
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:23,559
I think I got that wrong? Does that happen to you?

573
00:41:23,599 --> 00:41:24,079
Talk to me?

574
00:41:25,519 --> 00:41:25,679
Speaker 6: Oh?

575
00:41:25,760 --> 00:41:26,199
Speaker 3: Yeah.

576
00:41:26,280 --> 00:41:30,559
Speaker 1: I think when I meet people sometimes I get really

577
00:41:30,599 --> 00:41:33,360
fixated on trying to figure them out on a first

578
00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:38,679
date because it's like that redundant. I think when you're

579
00:41:38,679 --> 00:41:42,960
on dating apps, you're in this revolving door of options,

580
00:41:43,199 --> 00:41:46,519
and so you're constantly thinking like, Okay, is there something

581
00:41:46,599 --> 00:41:51,079
better out there? When can I stop this interaction because

582
00:41:51,119 --> 00:41:55,519
it's not going to lead anywhere? And I think that

583
00:41:56,000 --> 00:42:01,280
it's a little sometimes unrealistic to expect. I want to

584
00:42:01,320 --> 00:42:03,440
show their true selves on a first date.

585
00:42:04,679 --> 00:42:07,800
Speaker 9: But why do you want them to? Let's go into that.

586
00:42:09,800 --> 00:42:13,320
Speaker 1: I think I want to because I just want to

587
00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:18,800
get it right. My friends and family they're so supportive

588
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:23,159
of me, and they're always saying, man, I wonder the

589
00:42:23,199 --> 00:42:25,960
person who's going to be your person, like who you're

590
00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:28,599
going to introduce to the family, and I'm so excited

591
00:42:28,599 --> 00:42:31,800
to meet your partner. And so there's been all this

592
00:42:31,960 --> 00:42:36,280
anticipation built up around it that I think I cave

593
00:42:36,360 --> 00:42:38,679
with the pressure. And it makes me a little nervous

594
00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:43,920
about missing a red flag or disappointing people around me

595
00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:46,719
who love me and cherish me, because there has been

596
00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:50,119
a couple moments where I didn't pick the best person

597
00:42:50,400 --> 00:42:56,480
and that person hurt me, and I was realized now

598
00:42:56,519 --> 00:43:00,360
that I was enabling that behavior by also staying when

599
00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:05,119
I should have walked away. Yes, but those moments were

600
00:43:05,159 --> 00:43:10,000
really isolating whenever I was trying to figure things out

601
00:43:10,079 --> 00:43:13,000
or make things work with someone that I wasn't compatible with.

602
00:43:13,719 --> 00:43:15,519
And so it's like, I don't want to face that

603
00:43:15,599 --> 00:43:20,400
loneliness again or feel like I have to hide that

604
00:43:20,480 --> 00:43:23,599
person from the people that I love who know that

605
00:43:24,360 --> 00:43:29,239
I'm capable of more and that they might be holding

606
00:43:29,239 --> 00:43:33,199
me back or hurting me or have frustrations that you know,

607
00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:35,599
it's it's not a good thing.

608
00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:40,320
Speaker 9: And I totally understand that I am an African American man.

609
00:43:41,239 --> 00:43:44,920
You are a Latina, right, Am I right about that?

610
00:43:45,079 --> 00:43:45,800
A Latina?

611
00:43:46,039 --> 00:43:47,519
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm a Mexican American.

612
00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:53,519
Speaker 9: Yeah. So we're from We're both from collectivistic societies. So

613
00:43:54,480 --> 00:44:00,440
when we meet somebody, we're basically meeting the tribe. We're

614
00:44:00,480 --> 00:44:03,760
meeting the family. Everybody got to be happy with everybody

615
00:44:03,800 --> 00:44:07,880
got to be on board, right, So I totally understand that.

616
00:44:08,840 --> 00:44:12,760
But I want you to understand that, Yes, relationship has

617
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:19,800
a social application, and a cultural application, and a familial application,

618
00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:25,800
but it also has a spiritual and psychological application. Remember this.

619
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:28,760
Did you learn from the negative person that you dated?

620
00:44:29,360 --> 00:44:31,079
Did you learn something about yourself?

621
00:44:32,440 --> 00:44:32,559
Speaker 13: Oh?

622
00:44:32,719 --> 00:44:34,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, I learned a lot.

623
00:44:34,639 --> 00:44:35,280
Speaker 9: You tell me?

624
00:44:35,400 --> 00:44:41,079
Speaker 1: Sare I think that I learned that I need to

625
00:44:41,119 --> 00:44:45,159
speak up when something bothers me instead of letting resentment

626
00:44:45,239 --> 00:44:52,760
grow or shame keep me from talking or voicing my frustrations.

627
00:44:53,320 --> 00:44:57,039
Speaker 9: Where did the shame come from?

628
00:44:57,320 --> 00:45:03,280
Speaker 1: I'm not too sure, I think. Well, actually, looking back,

629
00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:08,119
it's definitely in the past feelings of unworth and feeling

630
00:45:08,519 --> 00:45:12,559
like I'm not deserving of asking someone to respect my boundaries.

631
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:17,000
Speaker 9: Now, you said you were in therapy. Did your therapist

632
00:45:17,079 --> 00:45:19,519
happen to share your attachment style with you.

633
00:45:21,719 --> 00:45:24,960
Speaker 1: We have not spoken about it, but I believe I'm

634
00:45:25,079 --> 00:45:26,159
anxious ambivalent.

635
00:45:27,159 --> 00:45:36,159
Speaker 9: I can feel the anxious on you, baby. But listen, listen, listen, listen.

636
00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:40,000
You can't control it. Love is not to be controlled

637
00:45:40,559 --> 00:45:44,920
by fear, by pressure, by family, peer pressure. To get

638
00:45:44,960 --> 00:45:49,719
it right. Every relationship is right, except the ones that

639
00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:56,320
are physically violent. Right. Everyone is right because it mirrors

640
00:45:56,360 --> 00:46:00,320
where you are. Sometimes we beat ourselves up. Me an

641
00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:02,599
example of that early right when you were talking about

642
00:46:02,639 --> 00:46:06,760
negative self talk and how you were very critical of yourself. Well,

643
00:46:06,760 --> 00:46:08,480
that's a type of self abuse.

644
00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:09,239
Speaker 15: Right.

645
00:46:10,039 --> 00:46:13,599
Speaker 9: Well, if that's a vibration, if that's a frequency, you

646
00:46:13,639 --> 00:46:16,000
can call that in in the form of a partner.

647
00:46:17,079 --> 00:46:18,760
Do you see what I'm saying? Does that?

648
00:46:19,119 --> 00:46:19,480
Speaker 1: Yeah?

649
00:46:19,760 --> 00:46:21,760
Speaker 9: You see what I'm saying. So this is why I

650
00:46:21,840 --> 00:46:25,719
started with inside job work. Right self esteem. There's a

651
00:46:25,760 --> 00:46:35,920
great book by doctor Glenn R. Charraldy Glenn R. Chiraldy, PhD.

652
00:46:36,320 --> 00:46:43,000
It's called the Self Esteem Work Book Right, Self Esteem Workbook.

653
00:46:43,039 --> 00:46:46,440
It is an amazing book. I in my coaching, I

654
00:46:46,679 --> 00:46:50,000
reference it right and I give it to the clients

655
00:46:50,039 --> 00:46:55,079
that I talk to and let me just say, coming

656
00:46:55,199 --> 00:47:01,199
into a relationship hole is way different then coming into

657
00:47:01,239 --> 00:47:07,960
a relationship hoping that they can fill holes. DC, I

658
00:47:08,079 --> 00:47:11,280
need you to feel this worthiness whole. I need you

659
00:47:11,320 --> 00:47:15,559
to feel this, I deserve whole. I need you to

660
00:47:15,599 --> 00:47:21,800
feel this, I'm seen whole or I'm heard whole. Right,

661
00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:26,559
you have to come in filling those holes so you

662
00:47:26,599 --> 00:47:30,400
can get to know another whole person. Does that make sense?

663
00:47:31,400 --> 00:47:34,480
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm, right, it makes perfect sense.

664
00:47:34,559 --> 00:47:34,800
Speaker 15: Yes.

665
00:47:35,119 --> 00:47:37,239
Speaker 9: See, let me tell you something about relationship. It will

666
00:47:37,280 --> 00:47:43,719
expose you. Relationships are designed to trigger you. So what

667
00:47:43,880 --> 00:47:46,679
is the trigger? What is it to you when you

668
00:47:46,719 --> 00:47:48,360
get triggered? What is that?

669
00:47:51,119 --> 00:47:55,320
Speaker 1: I definitely think it's the not feeling heard or understood.

670
00:47:59,079 --> 00:48:00,719
You know what I think understand?

671
00:48:01,159 --> 00:48:03,119
Speaker 9: Yeah? You want know what I think it is?

672
00:48:04,440 --> 00:48:05,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, homework.

673
00:48:08,400 --> 00:48:12,440
Speaker 9: When you get triggered, oftentimes we want the person to

674
00:48:12,840 --> 00:48:16,840
stop doing whatever they're doing to trigger us. We want

675
00:48:16,920 --> 00:48:20,519
we put it on them to change instead of looking

676
00:48:20,639 --> 00:48:25,280
at the trigger as data as information about myself. Why

677
00:48:25,320 --> 00:48:28,159
am I triggered? Where did the trigger come from? When

678
00:48:28,199 --> 00:48:32,239
they do that? Why do I react this way? DC?

679
00:48:32,920 --> 00:48:36,000
This is the information that we get from the University

680
00:48:36,039 --> 00:48:36,360
of You.

681
00:48:36,559 --> 00:48:36,880
Speaker 15: I e.

682
00:48:37,119 --> 00:48:45,920
Speaker 9: Relationships, Relationships teach us about us. Now we've turned them

683
00:48:45,920 --> 00:48:51,119
into these playgrounds of leisure. Where are we going to eat?

684
00:48:51,199 --> 00:48:54,639
Let's take a picture of our plate. Uh, you know,

685
00:48:54,880 --> 00:48:59,159
let's post our lunch or our dinner on Instagram. Let's

686
00:48:59,159 --> 00:49:01,119
go you know what I mean. We've turned it into

687
00:49:01,159 --> 00:49:07,400
this place of leisure. But psychologically speaking, relationships reveal us

688
00:49:07,599 --> 00:49:11,000
to ourselves the parts of ourselves that we're uncomfortable with.

689
00:49:11,840 --> 00:49:18,000
So if your therapist said anxious ambivalent, where does anxious

690
00:49:18,320 --> 00:49:23,119
attachment style come from?

691
00:49:23,480 --> 00:49:23,719
Speaker 3: Fear?

692
00:49:24,760 --> 00:49:27,679
Speaker 9: Well, anxious is a type of fear, but it's a

693
00:49:27,719 --> 00:49:32,039
fear that you're going to leave me, and that comes

694
00:49:32,039 --> 00:49:37,199
from early childhood. Don't leave me, that's what anxious ambivalent.

695
00:49:37,480 --> 00:49:42,719
So you're going to leave me? I go ambivalent DC,

696
00:49:43,079 --> 00:49:48,239
that's the anxious ambivalent that comes from childhood. Right, So

697
00:49:48,719 --> 00:49:53,199
you have to understand that as an adult, you develop

698
00:49:53,400 --> 00:49:58,320
that protective mechanism to survive when you were an infant,

699
00:49:58,440 --> 00:50:01,800
when you were a baby, to survived childhood. None of

700
00:50:01,840 --> 00:50:04,440
our parents are perfect. There might have been moments where

701
00:50:04,440 --> 00:50:07,480
they were inconsistent and didn't meet your needs when you

702
00:50:07,559 --> 00:50:10,559
needed them to. That doesn't mean they're bad people or

703
00:50:10,599 --> 00:50:14,960
bad parents. It just means they missed opportunities to tap

704
00:50:15,000 --> 00:50:18,960
in when you needed that, when you needed it most. Right,

705
00:50:19,559 --> 00:50:22,320
Still great people, you see what I'm saying. But what

706
00:50:22,519 --> 00:50:25,360
happens with attachment styles? What do you do you take

707
00:50:25,440 --> 00:50:29,639
them into adult relationships? They were good for when you

708
00:50:29,679 --> 00:50:32,679
were an infant, When you were a child, they were good.

709
00:50:32,800 --> 00:50:35,920
They protected you, they kept you safe. But as an adult,

710
00:50:36,840 --> 00:50:40,159
what do you need most? You need authenticity and you

711
00:50:40,199 --> 00:50:46,719
need vulnerability. But if you're trying to vet them instead

712
00:50:46,719 --> 00:50:55,559
of letting them, vetting versus you see, that was our topic.

713
00:50:55,800 --> 00:51:00,440
I don't know last week. Sometimes vetting is make sure

714
00:51:00,480 --> 00:51:04,000
you're right, right for me, right for the family, right

715
00:51:04,039 --> 00:51:07,800
for the tribe, right for everything, and then we're good. No.

716
00:51:09,039 --> 00:51:14,840
Allowance is a part of loving. If love is not restrictive,

717
00:51:16,079 --> 00:51:21,800
the highest form of it is called unconditional love. It

718
00:51:21,880 --> 00:51:27,599
can't be conditioned, which is a restriction. Right, Yeah, does

719
00:51:27,679 --> 00:51:31,440
that make sense? We cook it or we cooking? You

720
00:51:31,480 --> 00:51:33,360
got a question? Go ahead ask me another question. You

721
00:51:33,440 --> 00:51:36,280
got me turned up tonight. I'm just happy you're here.

722
00:51:36,599 --> 00:51:42,599
I'm lit tonight because Jasmine from TikTok, who single handedly

723
00:51:42,760 --> 00:51:47,079
blew up the relationship dismount brought it back to life.

724
00:51:47,119 --> 00:51:51,719
It was on a respirator. It was on a respirator.

725
00:51:51,800 --> 00:51:56,000
Jasmine said, not this evening, not this even Andy. Can

726
00:51:56,079 --> 00:52:14,360
I get a praise break for Jasmine? Let's get it. Yeah,

727
00:52:14,400 --> 00:52:17,519
we go to church every now and again when we're happy,

728
00:52:17,840 --> 00:52:24,000
So forgive the phrase, forgive the praise break. I got

729
00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:26,920
somebody on the line who might want to talk to you, Jasmine,

730
00:52:27,480 --> 00:52:32,119
Would you take advice from some of my callers? Are

731
00:52:32,119 --> 00:52:32,920
you with that?

732
00:52:34,400 --> 00:52:37,239
Speaker 1: Yeah?

733
00:52:37,280 --> 00:52:40,400
Speaker 9: We lt tonight. We all want the Voice of Reason,

734
00:52:40,800 --> 00:52:45,360
the rarest relationship radio show in the world. But guess what.

735
00:52:47,400 --> 00:52:51,119
Before we do that, we're gonna come forward and then

736
00:52:51,159 --> 00:52:53,880
we're gonna bring in one of the Voice of Reason's

737
00:52:54,320 --> 00:52:58,000
most legendary voice. As a matter of fact, all of

738
00:52:58,039 --> 00:53:01,599
the Voice of Reason ushers come down to the pole pit.

739
00:53:02,199 --> 00:53:05,639
I need Nikki from the SIP. We want to surround

740
00:53:05,800 --> 00:53:09,679
this young lady with beautiful advice. The number of doll

741
00:53:09,840 --> 00:53:12,960
is one, eight hundred nine twenty fifteen eighty. I need

742
00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:16,639
Nikki from the SIP. I got Valerie. I need Cali's soul.

743
00:53:17,119 --> 00:53:21,159
I need all of your john from Hawaii. I need

744
00:53:21,239 --> 00:53:23,400
you all to come on down. Let's get it.

745
00:53:23,519 --> 00:53:27,199
Speaker 16: Tell me sue ubiquitous. If you think you've never seen it,

746
00:53:27,960 --> 00:53:31,719
you have not looked. We meet people who fly off

747
00:53:31,719 --> 00:53:34,960
the handle. We meet people who shut down, we meet

748
00:53:35,000 --> 00:53:39,239
people who are very difficult. No, it's a very family.

749
00:53:39,719 --> 00:53:43,639
It doesn't have a drug addicted, alcoholic, disturbed person.

750
00:53:44,280 --> 00:53:44,480
Speaker 1: You know.

751
00:53:44,559 --> 00:53:47,559
Speaker 16: One thing I like to say, they give electric Are

752
00:53:47,599 --> 00:53:50,119
there any normal people who come from normal families in

753
00:53:50,159 --> 00:53:53,400
the audience, And sometimes one or two people raise their

754
00:53:53,400 --> 00:53:56,719
hands say can I please come to your family for Thanksgiving?

755
00:53:57,000 --> 00:54:00,280
Because I've never been to a normal family. Name is

756
00:54:00,320 --> 00:54:04,559
Bessel van der Kolk. I'm a psychiatrist neuroscientist. I have

757
00:54:04,679 --> 00:54:09,000
been studying trauma for about fifty years now. I've treated

758
00:54:09,039 --> 00:54:13,760
a whole variety of different traumatized populations see trauma in

759
00:54:13,840 --> 00:54:16,920
many different countries around the world. And I am the

760
00:54:17,039 --> 00:54:19,840
author of the book The Body Keeps His Court.

761
00:54:25,280 --> 00:54:31,480
Speaker 9: I love well. I'm not really a fan of mister.

762
00:54:34,360 --> 00:54:38,199
I don't know vander Klock because he gets a lot

763
00:54:38,199 --> 00:54:43,719
of his stuff from Babbett Rothchild. His is the body

764
00:54:43,800 --> 00:54:47,159
keep the score. Hers is the body remembers, and he

765
00:54:47,320 --> 00:54:53,480
draws a lot of his information from Bibbet Rothschild Rothchild.

766
00:54:54,360 --> 00:55:01,119
I like Babbett's work. But vander klaw clock is cool.

767
00:55:02,199 --> 00:55:02,719
Speaker 1: He cool?

768
00:55:02,880 --> 00:55:08,320
Speaker 9: Whatnot? This is his first appearance on the VR. We

769
00:55:08,400 --> 00:55:11,440
given him a little love. We got Jasmine and Valerie

770
00:55:11,440 --> 00:55:13,960
on the line. Jasmine was just about our Valerie is

771
00:55:13,960 --> 00:55:19,599
about to land the plane with her empowerment statement to

772
00:55:19,719 --> 00:55:23,800
the young Jasmine about the cultivation and the development of

773
00:55:23,920 --> 00:55:27,519
femininity and not looking for a man to trigger it

774
00:55:27,679 --> 00:55:32,280
in her, but to flower it within herself. Please land

775
00:55:32,320 --> 00:55:34,719
the plane for me, Valerie.

776
00:55:34,960 --> 00:55:39,480
Speaker 7: Well, in dating, I would say that a shift from

777
00:55:39,559 --> 00:55:49,039
attraction to connection and the attraction day, and also rooting

778
00:55:49,199 --> 00:55:54,760
yourself in the wisdom that everyone has an agenda and

779
00:55:54,880 --> 00:55:59,000
there's no failed relationships, they're just exercises and capacity.

780
00:56:01,159 --> 00:56:03,760
Speaker 9: Jasmine, what are your thoughts on what Valerie shared with you.

781
00:56:06,360 --> 00:56:11,000
Speaker 1: I think it's really great perspective, especially the part about

782
00:56:12,320 --> 00:56:16,920
limiting your femininity or putting it in someone else's hands,

783
00:56:17,119 --> 00:56:22,039
to allow yourself, allow yourself to reach a certain point

784
00:56:22,079 --> 00:56:27,079
of it, and then in the opposite end, being so

785
00:56:27,239 --> 00:56:31,199
independent that someone might see it and be like, oh, well,

786
00:56:31,239 --> 00:56:33,320
I don't have to work as hard or I don't

787
00:56:33,360 --> 00:56:37,800
have to give this person as much, and then accepting

788
00:56:37,840 --> 00:56:40,920
bare minimum because I think I've definitely found myself in

789
00:56:41,000 --> 00:56:43,199
situations that mirrored that dynamic.

790
00:56:44,440 --> 00:56:46,800
Speaker 9: I love that. I love that. Valerie, guess what you

791
00:56:47,000 --> 00:56:47,320
just is?

792
00:56:47,360 --> 00:56:51,400
Speaker 7: Sweetheart wrote some Mama Love from La.

793
00:56:51,920 --> 00:56:54,920
Speaker 9: Come on, so mama love from La. We got a

794
00:56:54,960 --> 00:57:00,679
whole community over here showing Jasmine some love. I love it.

795
00:57:01,000 --> 00:57:02,960
If you want to bring your city in the building,

796
00:57:03,000 --> 00:57:04,079
all you got to do is call me at one

797
00:57:04,119 --> 00:57:07,079
eight hundred and nine, twenty fifteen eighty. We're mentoring callers

798
00:57:07,199 --> 00:57:10,079
with callers. Zoe Williams is the first to ever do it.

799
00:57:10,280 --> 00:57:14,880
Have you ever seen it? Andy? We got callers mentoring callers.

800
00:57:15,000 --> 00:57:18,840
This is this is a community. Let's talk about it. Nine,

801
00:57:18,840 --> 00:57:22,320
twenty fifteen eighty. Cali Sould from Denver, Colorado is on

802
00:57:22,360 --> 00:57:28,199
the line. Cali, what would you say to our young

803
00:57:28,360 --> 00:57:33,719
friend Jasmine Jasmine? Cali, Cali Jasmine say Hi, Hey.

804
00:57:33,599 --> 00:57:35,880
Speaker 11: Jazz, Hello Hi.

805
00:57:37,679 --> 00:57:40,119
Speaker 2: So I just want to take some time to welcome

806
00:57:40,159 --> 00:57:43,280
you to our little community here. Don't let this the

807
00:57:43,360 --> 00:57:46,199
last time you tap in, hop in the chat, hop

808
00:57:46,239 --> 00:57:50,239
on the live call in all of your questions, go home,

809
00:57:50,320 --> 00:57:53,800
think about things, talk to your friends about it. I've

810
00:57:53,840 --> 00:57:58,960
been under the tutelage of Zoe for about six years

811
00:57:59,000 --> 00:58:02,519
now in the commune unity, and I've grown so much

812
00:58:02,719 --> 00:58:06,280
being here. Got a lot of perspectives, had a lot

813
00:58:06,280 --> 00:58:10,760
of questions, had a lot of like pushback too, But

814
00:58:11,000 --> 00:58:15,199
all in all, you're in a safe space for healing,

815
00:58:15,480 --> 00:58:18,480
for growth, and for you to understand yourself a little

816
00:58:18,519 --> 00:58:21,760
bit more and understand the relationships that you're going to

817
00:58:21,840 --> 00:58:29,280
magnetize to yourself in the future. Thank you. You're welcome

818
00:58:29,559 --> 00:58:34,039
to welcome and you're welcome here. I was listening to

819
00:58:34,199 --> 00:58:37,119
another teacher on Sunday and who said something so profound

820
00:58:37,159 --> 00:58:40,280
that really shook me. And I knew it before, I've

821
00:58:40,320 --> 00:58:42,800
heard it before, but it really shook me the time

822
00:58:42,880 --> 00:58:47,280
he said, anytime you pray for something and you're fearful

823
00:58:47,440 --> 00:58:50,760
about what you pray for and you really.

824
00:58:50,519 --> 00:58:54,280
Speaker 9: Don't want it, the fear will repel it.

825
00:58:55,360 --> 00:58:58,119
Speaker 2: Yeah. A lot of times we think like, oh, I've

826
00:58:58,119 --> 00:59:01,559
been asking for this thing but it's not showing up.

827
00:59:02,000 --> 00:59:06,280
Or I've been in a situation where I've manifested exactly

828
00:59:06,320 --> 00:59:11,239
what I want and then I talk myself out of it.

829
00:59:11,320 --> 00:59:14,480
Speaker 9: Listen, you wait, you just blew my mind because when

830
00:59:14,519 --> 00:59:19,840
you said that, spirit downloaded a thought. Don't date for validation,

831
00:59:20,760 --> 00:59:28,840
date for recalibration. Do you see the anxious person is

832
00:59:29,000 --> 00:59:33,400
dating to be validated. I'm enough, I'm worthy, I'm here,

833
00:59:33,599 --> 00:59:36,599
you see me. You can't date for that. You have

834
00:59:36,679 --> 00:59:40,880
to date to be recalibrated. Why because you have this

835
00:59:41,159 --> 00:59:45,159
anxious ambivalent attachment And if you know anything about attachment styles,

836
00:59:45,159 --> 00:59:49,119
they're fluid. They don't have to be with you forever.

837
00:59:49,440 --> 00:59:54,400
They should not be your operating system. Does that make sense, Jasmine?

838
00:59:54,679 --> 00:59:56,360
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

839
00:59:56,639 --> 00:59:59,000
Speaker 9: Do you see what I'm saying? So let's first say

840
00:59:59,039 --> 01:00:02,280
this because Cali just turned that in on in me. Man,

841
01:00:02,400 --> 01:00:08,239
It just okay, listen first, I'm not dating to be approved.

842
01:00:10,400 --> 01:00:20,159
I'm dating for something to be removed. Do you see these?

843
01:00:20,679 --> 01:00:24,559
Something has to be removed, something that served me in

844
01:00:24,679 --> 01:00:29,440
childhood but no longer serves me an adult intimate relationship? Y'all?

845
01:00:29,480 --> 01:00:33,960
To stay right there? Don't nowhere? Lord, we own fire tonight.

846
01:00:34,039 --> 01:00:34,679
Let's get it.

847
01:00:35,159 --> 01:00:37,159
Speaker 17: Ask yourself these two questions, What do I want to

848
01:00:37,199 --> 01:00:40,599
exist even if I don't? And how much of a

849
01:00:40,599 --> 01:00:43,480
difference do I make to it? If you've got good

850
01:00:43,480 --> 01:00:45,199
answers to both of those, you have meaning in life.

851
01:00:46,400 --> 01:00:48,000
If you have only the first, but not the second.

852
01:00:48,000 --> 01:00:50,440
You're seeking, you have neither. You're in trouble.

853
01:00:53,800 --> 01:00:56,400
Speaker 9: I don't need to hear anymore. Who was that Andy

854
01:00:56,519 --> 01:01:01,960
that was fire? Those two questions, Jean Vervak. I love it,

855
01:01:02,119 --> 01:01:04,000
Ladies and gentlemen, the voice of reason is on fire.

856
01:01:04,039 --> 01:01:07,000
We're getting ready to land this plane. I have two

857
01:01:07,840 --> 01:01:13,719
sisters on the phone right, and they are mentoring each

858
01:01:13,719 --> 01:01:16,440
other and speaking with each other. This is a village,

859
01:01:16,480 --> 01:01:20,639
and I just loved these types of interactions, right and

860
01:01:20,719 --> 01:01:24,480
Cali Soul is from Denver, Colorado, and Jasmine is from

861
01:01:25,199 --> 01:01:30,360
Washington's the state of Washington, Ladies and gentlemen. And again,

862
01:01:30,480 --> 01:01:33,519
if you're just tuning in, she created a viral moment

863
01:01:33,760 --> 01:01:38,920
for my first relationship book and blew it out the water.

864
01:01:39,920 --> 01:01:44,079
You know, she just had a real authentic and sincere

865
01:01:44,280 --> 01:01:49,400
and vulnerable moment. She approached an African American couple and

866
01:01:49,480 --> 01:01:55,000
they ministered to her and poured into her and loved

867
01:01:55,039 --> 01:01:58,480
on her. And I wanted to create the same kind

868
01:01:58,519 --> 01:02:03,440
of environment here on the radio. I reached out to her.

869
01:02:03,519 --> 01:02:05,280
I mean when I say she blew the book up,

870
01:02:05,599 --> 01:02:09,239
the video she posted is crazy. It's like almost at

871
01:02:09,360 --> 01:02:13,920
nine hundred thousand views and she dropped it four days ago,

872
01:02:15,440 --> 01:02:18,639
and so I'm just thankful that she did that, and

873
01:02:18,679 --> 01:02:21,800
I'm appreciative of her for doing that. But she's in

874
01:02:21,920 --> 01:02:25,840
my village right now, So Cali Soul, please finish talking

875
01:02:25,880 --> 01:02:27,400
to our good friend Jasmine.

876
01:02:30,039 --> 01:02:32,559
Speaker 2: I also came from a matriarch to his family.

877
01:02:33,679 --> 01:02:37,159
Speaker 15: And again, like I said, I just been under those

878
01:02:37,280 --> 01:02:44,559
two lived in books shows the past years and turns

879
01:02:44,599 --> 01:02:47,639
within and was really able to stop in myself because

880
01:02:47,679 --> 01:02:51,639
I needed a lot of thought. And going back to

881
01:02:51,679 --> 01:02:54,960
the fair conversation, you prayed for something and you actually

882
01:02:54,960 --> 01:02:57,320
have to peaked about what your friend was ready for

883
01:02:58,239 --> 01:03:01,840
and it unfolds to you, and thoughts with something that

884
01:03:01,920 --> 01:03:03,199
I had to pray about.

885
01:03:04,159 --> 01:03:07,119
Speaker 2: Real you know, real talk, like if God helped me to.

886
01:03:07,119 --> 01:03:10,039
Speaker 15: Soften me and it happens to it, I little. I

887
01:03:10,280 --> 01:03:12,920
feel a long way to go, and I'm grateful for

888
01:03:13,000 --> 01:03:17,559
the journey. I'm grateful that you're so courageous in that

889
01:03:17,679 --> 01:03:21,840
moment of your curiosity and need and.

890
01:03:22,360 --> 01:03:27,400
Speaker 2: Stepped out on faith and asked somebody question that needing

891
01:03:27,559 --> 01:03:30,360
answer to you so of me and just continue to.

892
01:03:30,400 --> 01:03:33,440
Speaker 15: Join us here and be a part of the family.

893
01:03:33,519 --> 01:03:36,920
Asked questions and keep on the journey because you edit

894
01:03:36,960 --> 01:03:37,119
in the.

895
01:03:37,159 --> 01:03:43,079
Speaker 9: Right direction, jasmine your thoughts on what Calli's soul just

896
01:03:43,199 --> 01:03:43,960
shared with you.

897
01:03:46,239 --> 01:03:49,559
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for your words there. I really

898
01:03:49,599 --> 01:03:55,719
appreciate them. I think the prayer and wondering if you're

899
01:03:55,719 --> 01:03:59,599
prepared for what God has in store, you know the

900
01:03:59,679 --> 01:04:01,679
stuff that you're going to have to deal with, is

901
01:04:01,719 --> 01:04:08,719
definitely something worth reflecting on. And Yeah, I think in

902
01:04:08,760 --> 01:04:12,760
this season of life, I have been challenged to discover

903
01:04:12,880 --> 01:04:16,400
my softness in other ways, specifically in the way I

904
01:04:16,519 --> 01:04:19,960
resolve conflict with people and like with my friends and family,

905
01:04:21,039 --> 01:04:24,360
and that's made me a lot more receptive to affection

906
01:04:24,760 --> 01:04:27,559
because I haven't been a physical touch person for a while,

907
01:04:28,519 --> 01:04:33,760
and being more vulnerable with people definitely started with that

908
01:04:34,360 --> 01:04:36,840
interaction that I had with the couple at the park

909
01:04:39,400 --> 01:04:42,400
when they gave me a hug the woman who was there,

910
01:04:43,360 --> 01:04:46,079
I was able to really let go and cry in

911
01:04:46,119 --> 01:04:50,360
her arms and be comforted by that instead of being

912
01:04:50,679 --> 01:04:51,480
fearful of it.

913
01:04:53,760 --> 01:04:54,159
Speaker 7: Yeah.

914
01:04:54,199 --> 01:04:57,880
Speaker 1: So I've been able to take that and challenge myself

915
01:04:57,920 --> 01:05:03,320
to also be offer that softness to my family whenever

916
01:05:03,480 --> 01:05:06,159
we are going through something or even if we're just

917
01:05:06,280 --> 01:05:09,320
enjoying the moment. My sister is really big on hug

918
01:05:09,480 --> 01:05:13,880
so I've been letting her give me more hugs throughout

919
01:05:13,880 --> 01:05:16,559
the day and or throughout the month instead of the

920
01:05:17,119 --> 01:05:18,440
one hug per holiday.

921
01:05:19,280 --> 01:05:19,760
Speaker 9: Wow.

922
01:05:20,679 --> 01:05:21,400
Speaker 6: I love that.

923
01:05:22,159 --> 01:05:25,000
Speaker 2: I don't forget to offer the softness to yourself as well.

924
01:05:25,239 --> 01:05:30,039
Speaker 9: Yes, yes, yeah, that's the key to healing. Yeah, that's

925
01:05:30,079 --> 01:05:34,000
the key to healing. Going in and loving on oneself

926
01:05:34,039 --> 01:05:37,800
with a loving witness, no judgment, no criticism, no verdict.

927
01:05:38,760 --> 01:05:43,000
That's the key to healing. It's not outside, it's inside. Calli.

928
01:05:43,079 --> 01:05:50,000
So guess what you just did, sweetheart, Denver, Colorado is

929
01:05:50,039 --> 01:05:55,440
in the building. We appreciate Calli for pouring into young Jasmine. Jasmine,

930
01:05:56,159 --> 01:06:00,639
please tell everyone where they can follow you. Let's get

931
01:06:00,679 --> 01:06:05,280
the nation following her TikTok page. Let's get her to

932
01:06:05,440 --> 01:06:12,079
ten thousand subscribers. Where do they find you? Jasmine?

933
01:06:12,320 --> 01:06:18,360
Speaker 1: On TikTok, my username is jasm dot nr. It's on

934
01:06:18,519 --> 01:06:21,480
all my socials, but primarily TikTok is where I'm the

935
01:06:21,519 --> 01:06:24,480
most open and vulnerable about whatever I'm going through in life.

936
01:06:25,119 --> 01:06:29,440
Speaker 9: I so appreciate you sharing tonight. I so appreciate you

937
01:06:29,519 --> 01:06:34,280
giving of your time and listen, as Kelli Soul said,

938
01:06:35,039 --> 01:06:37,599
you have a standing invite to come back. Call back

939
01:06:37,719 --> 01:06:40,360
anytime you like. If you're going through something, you can

940
01:06:40,400 --> 01:06:44,880
call in here and turn this into your personal couch.

941
01:06:44,920 --> 01:06:47,000
You can sit on the couch and say, oh, I'm

942
01:06:47,000 --> 01:06:49,599
doing this, that and the third what's going on? And

943
01:06:49,639 --> 01:06:50,440
we'll walk with you.

944
01:06:50,559 --> 01:06:55,039
Speaker 1: Okay, awesome, Thank you so much. I really appreciate you

945
01:06:55,440 --> 01:07:00,400
giving me this space to decompress my thoughts a bit moreolutely.

946
01:07:00,519 --> 01:07:06,239
Speaker 9: Now we have a ritual here. I noticed you. You

947
01:07:06,360 --> 01:07:09,719
had to have noticed. How I get you know, I

948
01:07:09,840 --> 01:07:13,599
let the callers go. I asked them a question and

949
01:07:13,639 --> 01:07:16,960
then they respond, did you hear the question?

950
01:07:20,239 --> 01:07:20,840
Speaker 1: No? The question?

951
01:07:21,280 --> 01:07:24,719
Speaker 9: So I asked the question, guess what you just did?

952
01:07:27,199 --> 01:07:27,679
Speaker 13: Yeah?

953
01:07:27,840 --> 01:07:35,639
Speaker 9: And then they respond, well, you gotta bring your city

954
01:07:35,719 --> 01:07:39,440
in the building. So you could say, I brought Washington

955
01:07:39,480 --> 01:07:43,079
in the building. I brought Denver in, I brought Hawaii

956
01:07:43,159 --> 01:07:49,840
in the I brought the whole North. Okay, yeah, all right,

957
01:07:49,880 --> 01:07:51,400
so hold on, let's get it right. I'm gonna ask

958
01:07:51,440 --> 01:07:56,880
you right now, yo, Jasmine, guess what you just did.

959
01:07:57,920 --> 01:07:59,159
Speaker 1: I brought Tacoma.

960
01:08:00,639 --> 01:08:04,679
Speaker 9: Tacoma, Washington is in the building for the first time

961
01:08:04,719 --> 01:08:07,920
on the v or R. We appreciate you, Jasmine. Hope

962
01:08:07,960 --> 01:08:10,760
to catch up with you soon. This was a great

963
01:08:10,760 --> 01:08:15,079
show man, great topic, and I just love the fluidity

964
01:08:15,119 --> 01:08:18,920
of it. I want people to understand something man. Nobody

965
01:08:19,079 --> 01:08:27,239
enters a relationship empty handed. Every person carries attachment patterns,

966
01:08:27,680 --> 01:08:35,680
childhood conditioning, cultural beliefs, religious teachings, trauma adaptations, family mythology,

967
01:08:36,199 --> 01:08:40,680
previous heartbreak, and a lifetime of conclusions about what love

968
01:08:40,720 --> 01:08:47,279
should feel like. These become the invisible lenses right through

969
01:08:47,319 --> 01:08:53,119
which every partner is interpreted. They help us navigate intimacy

970
01:08:53,239 --> 01:09:01,720
until intimacy present an experience. Those lenses just don't have

971
01:09:01,800 --> 01:09:03,960
the words for it. They just simply can't explain them.

972
01:09:04,840 --> 01:09:09,720
That moment feels like confusion. Perhaps it deserves another name.

973
01:09:10,680 --> 01:09:16,560
Suppose confusion is neither failure nor success. Suppose it is

974
01:09:16,640 --> 01:09:23,880
the frontier where yesterday's knowledge reaches its limit and tomorrow's

975
01:09:24,039 --> 01:09:32,600
consciousness has not yet found a language for it. Then

976
01:09:33,000 --> 01:09:37,199
an even more unsettling possibility emerges. Many people spend years

977
01:09:37,239 --> 01:09:43,239
trying to escape confusion without ever realizing they have never

978
01:09:43,279 --> 01:09:51,880
been escaping the very experience of being capable to hold

979
01:09:51,920 --> 01:09:57,119
the moment that's expanding within them, right, they realizing they

980
01:09:57,159 --> 01:10:01,159
have never been escaping the very experience it's capable of

981
01:10:01,199 --> 01:10:06,840
expanding them. Many people will run from a situation that

982
01:10:06,880 --> 01:10:11,119
can grow you up because it's not familiar. Many people

983
01:10:11,319 --> 01:10:15,199
will run from a healed partner because they came from

984
01:10:15,199 --> 01:10:20,039
an unhealed household. Right, They would rather go to the

985
01:10:20,159 --> 01:10:26,119
unhealed partner because it's reminiscent of the unhealed household. Again,

986
01:10:26,800 --> 01:10:31,399
sometimes we're confused, but that confusion is just simply not knowing.

987
01:10:31,720 --> 01:10:35,359
And when you're not knowing, you're definitely growing. When you

988
01:10:35,439 --> 01:10:40,359
don't have an answer for it, you're definitely growing. Listen,

989
01:10:40,960 --> 01:10:45,960
I start conversations, it's entirely up to you to finish them.

990
01:10:47,520 --> 01:10:49,960
I'm the voice of reason, and I'll be back here

991
01:10:50,000 --> 01:10:53,560
tomorrow with another slapper. I appreciate y'all. Deuces