WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.200 Seattle rain is not just a drizzle as a presence 2 00:00:06.240 --> 00:00:09.119 that patters at the windows, dampens the porch, gives shape 3 00:00:09.119 --> 00:00:12.039 to the silence between people. Sunday nights in our house 4 00:00:12.160 --> 00:00:13.960 used to be the canterweight to the gray witness string 5 00:00:14.080 --> 00:00:17.000 light on the patio, Max's Rook's laugh booming over everyone else, 6 00:00:17.079 --> 00:00:19.879 pulls passed around, bottles popped up, and the little rituals 7 00:00:19.879 --> 00:00:22.559 that made home feel more than walls. But to night. 8 00:00:22.719 --> 00:00:24.719 As I balance a stack of plates in my arms, 9 00:00:24.800 --> 00:00:27.359 I can tell everyone is eager to scatter, Samuel, especially 10 00:00:27.920 --> 00:00:30.559 he spent a meal watching his phone, swiping at notifications 11 00:00:30.559 --> 00:00:33.920 with the distracted friend I've started counting on. Megan squeezes 12 00:00:33.960 --> 00:00:36.000 my elbow as she helps very empty glasses to the 13 00:00:36.039 --> 00:00:38.560 kitchen and murmurs he'll rell act soon. It's just work, 14 00:00:38.759 --> 00:00:42.079 m I not smiling tight, but my eyes flicking voluntarily 15 00:00:42.079 --> 00:00:44.399 through the archery to where Samuel stands over the entry table, 16 00:00:44.439 --> 00:00:46.320 thun tracing the edge of his phone, waiting for a 17 00:00:46.320 --> 00:00:49.000 message or maybe a reason. Max lingers in the living 18 00:00:49.079 --> 00:00:51.880 room doorway, swirling his beer and grinning at Samuel. You 19 00:00:51.960 --> 00:00:54.079 heading out again, man, You must have some kind of 20 00:00:54.119 --> 00:00:57.159 death wish riding in this weather. Samuel shrugs on his 21 00:00:57.200 --> 00:01:00.920 waterproof jacket, gaze on the floor. Ye buys soft. It's 22 00:01:00.920 --> 00:01:04.760 fine once he get moving. Max raises an eyebrow. Even 23 00:01:04.799 --> 00:01:07.159 with Jamie along. What's his phrase? It's all a mental game. 24 00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:09.879 That new guy is funnier. Then he looks. He winks 25 00:01:09.879 --> 00:01:12.239 at me, suddenly aware that I'm listening and may be 26 00:01:12.319 --> 00:01:15.200 less amused than I should be. Samuel glances at me, 27 00:01:15.319 --> 00:01:18.040 but only for an eno second. I told you I 28 00:01:18.120 --> 00:01:21.280 ride alone these days. Groups been too unpredictable. His tongue 29 00:01:21.280 --> 00:01:23.760 carries too much force for such a mundane correction, and 30 00:01:23.799 --> 00:01:27.239 that makes my stomach squeeze. I watch, half expecting him 31 00:01:27.280 --> 00:01:29.840 to add something mentioned a rat a time, a plausible destruction. 32 00:01:30.480 --> 00:01:33.519 He just stands there, sipper half pulled. There's a moment 33 00:01:33.560 --> 00:01:35.879 while every one exchange see you next Week's the kind 34 00:01:35.920 --> 00:01:38.159 of group hug that is more ritual than real. Samuel 35 00:01:38.159 --> 00:01:41.959 pressing my shoulder as he passes no eye contact. I 36 00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:44.959 don't wait up, he says, voice of hand. I'll probably 37 00:01:44.959 --> 00:01:47.840 see you in the morning. I pile plates under running water, 38 00:01:48.040 --> 00:01:50.799 hands moving automatically, but my head is replaying small things. 39 00:01:50.879 --> 00:01:52.959 How he didn't eat dessert the way he tensed when 40 00:01:52.959 --> 00:01:55.840 Max brought up Jamie, that impulsive laugh that ended too fast. 41 00:01:56.519 --> 00:01:59.519 I tell myself theso tiny, but something flutters at the 42 00:01:59.560 --> 00:02:01.959 edge of my mind. Iernez a note slightly off key. 43 00:02:02.560 --> 00:02:04.640 I rinse a glass and watched the water stripe down 44 00:02:04.640 --> 00:02:08.400 my knuckles while I about such an innocent thing. Riding 45 00:02:08.439 --> 00:02:11.520 solo group ride, new people joining. The details shouldn't matter, 46 00:02:11.680 --> 00:02:13.879 not unless something's changed and he doesn't want me to know. 47 00:02:14.560 --> 00:02:16.680 I dry my hands, staring into the dark at the 48 00:02:16.719 --> 00:02:18.919 end of our block, where Samuel's day light still glimmers red. 49 00:02:18.919 --> 00:02:21.680 For a second, thin disappears. I almost call him back 50 00:02:21.680 --> 00:02:23.840 to say something stupid, liked be safe, but the words 51 00:02:23.879 --> 00:02:26.599 die inside me. Instead. I spend the rest of the 52 00:02:26.639 --> 00:02:28.800 evening pretending and cleaning, while really just waiting for a 53 00:02:28.800 --> 00:02:31.400 clee that will set my mind at ease. But nothing comes, 54 00:02:31.400 --> 00:02:33.159 and the house fells back up with the sound of 55 00:02:33.159 --> 00:02:35.719 the rain and the windows. In the beginning, back before 56 00:02:35.719 --> 00:02:38.680 the overtime, before the careful budgeting, before late ride at all, 57 00:02:38.759 --> 00:02:40.599 Samuel and I met over a spill latte and an 58 00:02:40.639 --> 00:02:43.639 endless onboarding slideshow. I didn't want to be at platform 59 00:02:43.719 --> 00:02:47.000 Science's networking breakfast. He made me want to stay. We 60 00:02:47.000 --> 00:02:49.919 were both twenty six, both running on ambition and caffeine, 61 00:02:49.960 --> 00:02:51.680 drawn to each other by the simple fact that we 62 00:02:51.719 --> 00:02:53.840 saw the same phizzes of potential in each new event, 63 00:02:53.960 --> 00:02:57.120 each new project. It started with a running joke about 64 00:02:57.120 --> 00:02:59.520 our boss's misuse of synergy and became beers, a firm 65 00:02:59.599 --> 00:03:02.159 and brewing, then group trivia, then movie nights and Sundays 66 00:03:02.199 --> 00:03:05.120 of pipe Place. By New Year's we'd moved in together. 67 00:03:05.280 --> 00:03:08.039 That summer we eloped. I'll look back now and think 68 00:03:08.039 --> 00:03:10.159 it was the sweetest kind of collapse, two smart people 69 00:03:10.159 --> 00:03:12.599 barreling together because we believed we could up paste the world. 70 00:03:13.240 --> 00:03:15.919 The years since field dense, no wasted space. The old 71 00:03:15.960 --> 00:03:18.240 studio on Queen Anne, our first real home out here, 72 00:03:18.240 --> 00:03:19.800 with the porch in the back yard, big enough for 73 00:03:19.840 --> 00:03:23.319 a second Tangrille. Samuel, for all his charm, always going 74 00:03:23.360 --> 00:03:25.599 for the big gestures, filling the gaps with stories, the 75 00:03:25.639 --> 00:03:27.879 guy who could make any room warm about twenty degrees 76 00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:31.560 Mia Pana, the one who double checks the reservations, orders, 77 00:03:31.560 --> 00:03:35.759 the groceries, sets the alarms. It worked. We had motion direction. 78 00:03:36.080 --> 00:03:38.520 We respected each other's drive and when things got rough 79 00:03:38.560 --> 00:03:41.159 after Samuel's first start up Nosdov and our savings turned 80 00:03:41.159 --> 00:03:44.960 to lint. We shouldered through arman arm That struggle honestly 81 00:03:45.039 --> 00:03:48.639 made things more solid. Samuel hated being the one needing support, 82 00:03:48.960 --> 00:03:51.319 but once I got him laughing again, as shame faded, 83 00:03:51.919 --> 00:03:54.360 we had rules, talk about money, don't let secrets build 84 00:03:54.439 --> 00:03:57.159 check in. We kept busy, khaking week ends when we 85 00:03:57.199 --> 00:04:00.680 could quiet movie nights with laptops, open, regulous Sunday dinners 86 00:04:00.680 --> 00:04:02.800 with Max and Megan and a rotating cast of others. 87 00:04:03.520 --> 00:04:05.919 My own family is far away, mamma married by brother, 88 00:04:06.000 --> 00:04:07.840 drifting somewhere on the East Coast. But I made a 89 00:04:07.879 --> 00:04:11.240 home with Samuel's people. Our world is a network close friends, 90 00:04:11.319 --> 00:04:13.520 mutual respect, the kind of stability I never quite have 91 00:04:13.599 --> 00:04:17.480 growing up. Money isn't limitless, but we're careful. I track 92 00:04:17.519 --> 00:04:20.079 our finances half out of habit, half out of necessity. 93 00:04:20.160 --> 00:04:22.800 I can almost hear Samuel teasing me spreadsheet dam the 94 00:04:22.879 --> 00:04:25.639 chick of Queen. But lately I notice the cracks, more 95 00:04:25.720 --> 00:04:28.000 subtle coldness. When Samuel comes in from a ride. The 96 00:04:28.040 --> 00:04:29.920 way he's glued to his phone even when we are eating, 97 00:04:30.040 --> 00:04:32.000 as if waiting for a message more important than our 98 00:04:32.040 --> 00:04:35.000 table talk. I seem at first it's some new pressure 99 00:04:35.000 --> 00:04:38.120 at work. Samuel's firm has been through layoffs and poured 100 00:04:38.160 --> 00:04:40.399 up launches and those endless weeks where no one can 101 00:04:40.439 --> 00:04:43.120 quite go home on time. It's just the rhythm. I 102 00:04:43.160 --> 00:04:46.079 tell myself, this is what happens when you're both trying 103 00:04:46.120 --> 00:04:49.199 to get head. But then I catch myself watching the patents, 104 00:04:49.199 --> 00:04:51.639 extended time in the shower after those rise a deliberate 105 00:04:51.680 --> 00:04:55.639 privacy that feels new. I remind myself. We survived rougher patches, 106 00:04:56.240 --> 00:04:59.600 we built this, survived the hard years. Maybe trust is 107 00:04:59.639 --> 00:05:02.240 a muscle to one that needs to be flexed, not preserved. 108 00:05:02.279 --> 00:05:05.439 A number I want to believe that I really do. 109 00:05:06.240 --> 00:05:09.560 Samuel's late rides turned from the occasional to the routine Tuesday, Thursday, 110 00:05:09.639 --> 00:05:12.279 sometimes Sunday after dinner, each time with a version of 111 00:05:12.279 --> 00:05:14.959 the same excusa just to clear my mind. I laugh 112 00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:17.319 along when he says the rain makes him feel invincible, 113 00:05:17.360 --> 00:05:20.759 but there's something performative about his delivery. His old cycling 114 00:05:20.800 --> 00:05:23.160 friends texts now and then a join us or were 115 00:05:23.199 --> 00:05:24.879 you at to night? Message? As see flash on the 116 00:05:24.879 --> 00:05:27.439 screen when he thinks I'm not looking. I offer to 117 00:05:27.480 --> 00:05:29.720 join him sometimes, remember when we used to do Green 118 00:05:29.759 --> 00:05:31.600 Lake loops as a date and he brushes me off 119 00:05:31.600 --> 00:05:33.199 an art and night's not a good one. You don't 120 00:05:33.199 --> 00:05:36.360 want this weather. His phone wants a shared open object, 121 00:05:36.360 --> 00:05:38.560 begins to vanish into his pocket or desk's drawer with 122 00:05:38.600 --> 00:05:41.759 almost comic precision. When he's home, it sits face down, 123 00:05:41.879 --> 00:05:44.399 never charging in the kitchen like it used to. A 124 00:05:44.439 --> 00:05:46.959 new lock screen appears to Stu dances over it quickly 125 00:05:47.000 --> 00:05:50.079 if he thinks I'm close. One Thursday, as I'm tidying 126 00:05:50.120 --> 00:05:53.000 the living room, my phone buzzes. It's a text for 127 00:05:53.120 --> 00:05:55.920 Max wildhill climb to night. Jamie almost wiped out. Sam 128 00:05:55.959 --> 00:05:58.720 saved his ass. Ye, guys, mister show. I stare at 129 00:05:58.720 --> 00:06:00.839 the message. Away Jamie go gets tucked in as if 130 00:06:00.839 --> 00:06:03.800 I'm already supposed to know all about him. When Samuel 131 00:06:03.800 --> 00:06:06.079 comes in that night later than usual, cheeks flush wain 132 00:06:06.199 --> 00:06:08.199 dripping from his jacket. I mentioned the hill climb in 133 00:06:08.279 --> 00:06:11.160 Max's text? Did you guys really have as much fun 134 00:06:11.199 --> 00:06:13.959 as it sounded? I watch his face, The shuffle in 135 00:06:13.959 --> 00:06:17.279 his eyes wasn't there? Max must be confused. I took 136 00:06:17.279 --> 00:06:19.920 the arbor at a loop when Solo needed the alone time, 137 00:06:20.519 --> 00:06:22.720 He takes off his shoes with care lines. The map 138 00:06:22.800 --> 00:06:24.959 doesn't look directly at me. As he heads to the shower, 139 00:06:25.480 --> 00:06:27.600 the smell of cold, sweat and rain fills the hallway. 140 00:06:28.240 --> 00:06:32.519 A b m overthinking, bored people invent drums right, Samuel's 141 00:06:32.519 --> 00:06:35.160 always hated feeling my cromanage and was an other anxious 142 00:06:35.160 --> 00:06:37.519 one during that awful start up collapse, seeing signs where 143 00:06:37.560 --> 00:06:40.879 there weren't any, making him feel watched. Maybe this is 144 00:06:40.920 --> 00:06:43.600 that again? Only why does he have to lie about 145 00:06:43.639 --> 00:06:47.000 a group rye? Is he embarrassed? Is Jamie a sore subject? 146 00:06:47.120 --> 00:06:49.480 Or worse as the whole thing? Some cover? No one 147 00:06:49.600 --> 00:06:52.319 cheats over hill climbs, But you can't be this careful 148 00:06:52.360 --> 00:06:55.439 about nothing. That night, I fall into a spiral scrolling 149 00:06:55.439 --> 00:06:58.399 through right times on samuel Strava, matching his claim routes 150 00:06:58.399 --> 00:07:00.399 to this posted by his friends and so, and whether 151 00:07:00.399 --> 00:07:02.160 I should be proud to find evidence that he's just 152 00:07:02.199 --> 00:07:04.519 really into biking or ashamed for even eating? To check. 153 00:07:05.199 --> 00:07:09.279 Sunday morning arrives slate and cold. Samuel's it threw his routines, 154 00:07:09.560 --> 00:07:12.439 coffee cluttering his helmet on the counter checking his rear 155 00:07:12.560 --> 00:07:16.040 light a poor cereal until bowl and glance up. What 156 00:07:16.199 --> 00:07:19.199 route to day? He shrugs, not quite meeting my eye. 157 00:07:19.839 --> 00:07:22.560 Just out East Wooden volup. Probably solo, No one else 158 00:07:22.639 --> 00:07:25.120 is crazy enough to day. I nod. But a few 159 00:07:25.120 --> 00:07:27.279 minutes later, when I switch on my laptop to tackle 160 00:07:27.319 --> 00:07:30.160 some lingering work, I tap open the group chat. There's 161 00:07:30.199 --> 00:07:32.680 a string of photos uploaded by Megan. The crew grinning 162 00:07:32.720 --> 00:07:36.000 behind fogged up sunglasses, bike stuck in river mud, Samuel's 163 00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:39.519 helmet squarely in the foregroned Jamie features twice a curly 164 00:07:39.560 --> 00:07:42.279 haired redhead of never actually met, apparently making finger guns 165 00:07:42.279 --> 00:07:44.839 at the camera. Samuel beside him, both grinning like it. 166 00:07:44.839 --> 00:07:48.319 It's Max chimes in, tagging me wish you to were here. 167 00:07:48.399 --> 00:07:51.040 Jamie took a spill, sam some kind of hero pulled 168 00:07:51.120 --> 00:07:53.959 him out like an action movie a scroll back pulse. 169 00:07:54.040 --> 00:07:57.600 Jumbie wasn't Samuel supposed to be riding solo away from 170 00:07:57.639 --> 00:08:00.360 the group. Had he said he left after one lap? 171 00:08:00.360 --> 00:08:02.680 Were implied he never met up at all. I think 172 00:08:02.720 --> 00:08:05.120 through the last week, his schedule, those quick escapes, his 173 00:08:05.199 --> 00:08:07.600 tendency to disappear into the show before talking the new 174 00:08:07.639 --> 00:08:10.279 cycling gear that started appearing at home, the expensive jersey 175 00:08:10.319 --> 00:08:13.040 hunted right tags still attached a gift from the shop, 176 00:08:13.199 --> 00:08:17.120 Samuel claimed. At brunch it comes up again. Megan sets 177 00:08:17.120 --> 00:08:19.959 down her mimosa and says, I swear Samuel and Jamie 178 00:08:19.959 --> 00:08:22.519 are basically attached at the hip. They training for something 179 00:08:22.600 --> 00:08:25.879 or just in love with punishment. This easy laughter. But Samuel, 180 00:08:25.879 --> 00:08:27.959 who's worked in from a phone call, let's the seam 181 00:08:28.000 --> 00:08:30.000 of a smile start before moving to clear the table. 182 00:08:30.639 --> 00:08:33.679 Now just log in, myles, he says, voice low. Later, 183 00:08:33.840 --> 00:08:35.559 in the privacy of the guest room, as I fold 184 00:08:35.600 --> 00:08:38.159 laundry away, I message Max in a joking tone, be 185 00:08:38.240 --> 00:08:40.639 real hawfen O Sam and Jamie hanging out? He says 186 00:08:40.639 --> 00:08:43.759 he's going solo. Max writes back after a minute, I've 187 00:08:43.759 --> 00:08:46.600 almost always together lately, thought you knew, and Sam set 188 00:08:46.679 --> 00:08:48.799 up Strava group for them. Jamie's ride. He makes Sam 189 00:08:48.840 --> 00:08:52.399 take breaks rather than always crushing hills. All good, I replied, 190 00:08:52.480 --> 00:08:55.960 something neutral. Samuel passes in the hall, looking at his phone, 191 00:08:56.080 --> 00:08:59.039 looking at me, looking away. Breyness creeps in at the 192 00:08:59.120 --> 00:09:02.399 edges of our routine. Samuel's begins snapping at me for 193 00:09:02.440 --> 00:09:04.399 no reason. When I ask which nights he'll be out. 194 00:09:04.480 --> 00:09:07.320 He accuses me of keeping tabs, his tone too sharp 195 00:09:07.320 --> 00:09:10.799 for the question asked. He spends Sunday afternoon's planning routes, 196 00:09:10.840 --> 00:09:12.879 but the laptop screen flips closed as soon as I 197 00:09:13.000 --> 00:09:15.480 entered the room. Once he goes up and leaves as 198 00:09:15.480 --> 00:09:18.559 I pad on, a notification pops up. Jamie has sent 199 00:09:18.600 --> 00:09:21.279 a meme depicting a guy falling spectacularly off a bike. 200 00:09:21.919 --> 00:09:24.039 There's a caption you after two pints at the bar. 201 00:09:24.240 --> 00:09:27.559 Next time you're buying the banter is affectionate inside Joki 202 00:09:27.639 --> 00:09:31.320 commentary looping back days, Samuel never mentioned I screen cap 203 00:09:31.320 --> 00:09:33.960 out of habit, then feel shamed. I don't want to 204 00:09:33.960 --> 00:09:36.360 become the sort of person who checks their patner's devices. 205 00:09:37.000 --> 00:09:40.159 But small things add up. Samuel's new water bottle has 206 00:09:40.240 --> 00:09:43.200 Jade's sharpened on to the bottom, not his initials. I 207 00:09:43.360 --> 00:09:45.759 ask where'd you get this? And he says too quickly. 208 00:09:45.879 --> 00:09:47.799 Jamie left it in the car, said I could use it. 209 00:09:48.399 --> 00:09:51.039 There's comfort in the ease, but the ease is just practice. 210 00:09:51.559 --> 00:09:54.879 Our finances nudge at my awareness. I'm reconciling the mint 211 00:09:54.879 --> 00:09:57.320 app on Saturday when I see free Vemmo payments labeled 212 00:09:57.320 --> 00:09:59.279 by stuff to Jamie Hopkins with in the past month 213 00:09:59.320 --> 00:10:03.600 thirty two dollars, forty seven dollars twenty dollars. Not massive, 214 00:10:03.679 --> 00:10:06.440 but regular, more than just splitting a bar tab. I 215 00:10:06.559 --> 00:10:10.519 scroll further, nothing damning, but the rhythm is different. I'd 216 00:10:10.559 --> 00:10:13.080 email myself a reminder, nothing more than lines on a screen, 217 00:10:13.159 --> 00:10:16.360 but my chest is tied afterward, I ask Megan quietly 218 00:10:16.399 --> 00:10:19.399 over Lottes at Milstead if all the group rides include Jamie? Now, 219 00:10:20.039 --> 00:10:22.600 oh sure, I thought he knew. Honestly, he's great boat 220 00:10:22.600 --> 00:10:24.919 around for every one last week, your husband and Jamie 221 00:10:24.960 --> 00:10:27.279 have been inseparable. Aren't you coming to the party next month? 222 00:10:27.879 --> 00:10:32.840 Samuel's story is gefuzzer, project names morph. He's always just tired, 223 00:10:32.879 --> 00:10:35.879 always needs to clear his head. Sex is last frequent, 224 00:10:36.120 --> 00:10:39.240 less enthusiastic. One evening, I lay a hand on his 225 00:10:39.320 --> 00:10:41.600 back and he shrugs off, muttering I need to get 226 00:10:41.600 --> 00:10:44.279 these emails done. I'm sorry. I lie in bed at 227 00:10:44.360 --> 00:10:46.519 night and ask myself or you searching for signs or 228 00:10:46.519 --> 00:10:49.720 fabricating them? Are you upset because he's drifting or because 229 00:10:49.759 --> 00:10:52.600 it's no longer he drifts toward? If you're always looking 230 00:10:52.600 --> 00:10:55.159 for evidence of betrayal. Do you create it? But that's 231 00:10:55.200 --> 00:10:58.240 a trap too, because intuition isn't always paranoia, and secrets 232 00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:01.080 are often exactly what they seem. A few nights later, 233 00:11:01.200 --> 00:11:04.279 we organize another Sunday dinner. People talk about the ride 234 00:11:04.360 --> 00:11:06.600 up Tiger Mountain, how Jimmie made everyone pull over to 235 00:11:06.600 --> 00:11:08.799 eat gummy bears, how Samuel had to talk him out 236 00:11:08.799 --> 00:11:11.360 of bombing a wet down the section. Samuel makes a 237 00:11:11.399 --> 00:11:13.600 joke about new riders bringing out the worst in the group, 238 00:11:13.639 --> 00:11:16.159 but his face is tight the punch line delivered his defense. 239 00:11:16.840 --> 00:11:20.360 When we get home, he's jumpy. He volunteers to fold laundry, 240 00:11:20.360 --> 00:11:22.639 but returns every couple of minutes to check his phone. 241 00:11:23.320 --> 00:11:26.440 I try again, softly. You seem worn out. If you're struggling, 242 00:11:26.600 --> 00:11:29.799 you can tell me, he snaps. Not everything is a crisis. 243 00:11:29.840 --> 00:11:32.879 Can you please let it drop? His choice of words stings. 244 00:11:33.399 --> 00:11:36.080 I pick a safe lane, talking through the monthly grocery order, 245 00:11:36.240 --> 00:11:39.840 updating the calendar, staying busy. Later in the almost dark, 246 00:11:39.919 --> 00:11:43.519 as call for Samuel's Strava feed again, myles log kudos 247 00:11:43.519 --> 00:11:46.240 from friends, all jenneric until I notice comments beneath one 248 00:11:46.360 --> 00:11:48.600 ride we made. Those hills are BTC H JH and 249 00:11:48.639 --> 00:11:52.360 Samuel's reply, damn right next time loses round at five point, 250 00:11:53.039 --> 00:11:55.159 I go farther back, all harm as looking, but the 251 00:11:55.159 --> 00:11:58.360 comments build a texture I see inside joke only the 252 00:11:58.399 --> 00:12:01.919 real riders would get from Janie. The intimacy is casual, 253 00:12:02.039 --> 00:12:05.039 but with an undercurrent. I snap my laptop shut, unable 254 00:12:05.080 --> 00:12:08.559 to settle. Patterns emerge where none should be. I watch 255 00:12:08.600 --> 00:12:11.799 myself change. I spend more time in the group thread, 256 00:12:12.039 --> 00:12:13.840 more time thinking how the oldest would have gone to 257 00:12:13.879 --> 00:12:17.080 every ride together. Sometimes I think of Samuel before the 258 00:12:17.080 --> 00:12:19.799 start of collapsed, lightness in his eyes, his hand always 259 00:12:19.799 --> 00:12:23.159 reaching for mine. Under restaurant tables, I catch myself missing 260 00:12:23.159 --> 00:12:26.320 a version of him that may never have really exist. Samuel, 261 00:12:26.440 --> 00:12:28.919 for his part, seems at times almost relieved to be away. 262 00:12:29.600 --> 00:12:33.159 Longer showers, new socks, new gloves, always justifiable, never explained. 263 00:12:33.759 --> 00:12:36.679 I'm not looking for evidence, I tell myself, I just 264 00:12:36.679 --> 00:12:39.759 want things to match. But nothing lines up any more. 265 00:12:40.399 --> 00:12:43.080 One evening, planning a grocery list at the kitchen table, 266 00:12:43.159 --> 00:12:45.000 I find a folded slip of photo paper in the 267 00:12:45.000 --> 00:12:47.559 pocket of Samuel's suckling jacket. While looking for his keys. 268 00:12:48.200 --> 00:12:50.559 It's a Candida roofed up bar, city lights blurry in 269 00:12:50.600 --> 00:12:53.879 the background. Samuel may laughed, Jamie beside him, the way 270 00:12:53.919 --> 00:12:57.480 they are leaning together, shoulders billy touching, grin'slopsided eyes fixed 271 00:12:57.519 --> 00:12:59.320 on each other. There's an easier I haven't seen from 272 00:12:59.320 --> 00:13:02.799 Samuel in loms. His hand is somewhere behind Jamie's back. 273 00:13:03.480 --> 00:13:06.559 It's not just a group photo. He's closer than friends. 274 00:13:07.279 --> 00:13:10.279 The next day, Samuel comes home early. I try to 275 00:13:10.320 --> 00:13:13.320 act normal, but my mind keeps replaying that image, the details, 276 00:13:13.320 --> 00:13:16.480 the thousand excuses and explanations I want to believe. When 277 00:13:16.480 --> 00:13:19.519 I ask cow'swork presentation one, he launches into a story, 278 00:13:19.559 --> 00:13:21.840 but never looks at me head on. I keep the 279 00:13:21.840 --> 00:13:24.039 photo in my post for hours, unable to decide if 280 00:13:24.039 --> 00:13:26.120 I'll confront him to night, or wait until I've found 281 00:13:26.120 --> 00:13:27.519 a way to talk that won't make both of us 282 00:13:27.519 --> 00:13:30.120 hate the sound of my own voice. I call my again, 283 00:13:30.399 --> 00:13:33.480 voice trembling more than I intend. Hey, have you seen 284 00:13:33.519 --> 00:13:36.120 sam and Jamie out together? Like? Not just on rides? 285 00:13:36.720 --> 00:13:39.200 This hesitation on her end, then a careful yeah at 286 00:13:39.200 --> 00:13:42.120 Pike Place? Sometimes I thought you two went together. I 287 00:13:42.279 --> 00:13:44.559 end the call heart bounding. The pressure at my temples 288 00:13:44.559 --> 00:13:47.559 now a steady drumbeat. I want to scream, cry for 289 00:13:47.600 --> 00:13:49.360 there was something, anything to break the word spell that 290 00:13:49.399 --> 00:13:53.320 settled over the apartment. Instead. I open Samuel's laptop, checking 291 00:13:53.320 --> 00:13:56.279 for hotel bookings, but his browser history is wiped. I 292 00:13:56.360 --> 00:14:00.919 curse silently, scrolling for emails receipts nothing at first, but then, 293 00:14:00.919 --> 00:14:03.000 sitting at the kitchen island, laid into the night, I 294 00:14:03.039 --> 00:14:05.840 see a confirmation for Summrise rooftoppin, dated for a Thursday. 295 00:14:05.879 --> 00:14:07.840 He'd claimed he was stuck in a rain delay and night. 296 00:14:07.879 --> 00:14:10.399 The group chat showed there right, ended early, not the 297 00:14:10.399 --> 00:14:13.360 same day as the photo, but clothes. I noted it 298 00:14:13.440 --> 00:14:17.120 my hand shaking. I text Max awkwardly. Is Jamie local 299 00:14:17.200 --> 00:14:20.000 or does he just crush in the city Sometimes? Max 300 00:14:20.080 --> 00:14:22.519 answers he's around a lot lately. Sam lets him leave 301 00:14:22.519 --> 00:14:25.240 his stuff at your place. Right. There's a thousand things 302 00:14:25.279 --> 00:14:27.559 I don't know and only one thing I do. Whatever 303 00:14:27.600 --> 00:14:30.440 this is, it isn't bad luck or stress. Its choice 304 00:14:30.440 --> 00:14:33.799 is made in the silence between words. I sleep badly, 305 00:14:33.879 --> 00:14:36.679 weird fever, dreams, a sense of time folding back on itself. 306 00:14:37.320 --> 00:14:40.039 When Samuel comes home, the next day, I try gentle honesty. 307 00:14:40.320 --> 00:14:42.200 I've found the photo in your jacket. I want to 308 00:14:42.200 --> 00:14:45.360 believe you, but things don't add up. Samuel Saggs first 309 00:14:45.399 --> 00:14:48.039 truly deflated in weeks, and his face rearranges into the 310 00:14:48.080 --> 00:14:51.000 mask he uses at work. Em you don't need to 311 00:14:51.000 --> 00:14:53.320 get spun up about this. Jamie's just a cycling friend. 312 00:14:53.360 --> 00:14:55.440 I've been feeling off works a jerk right now. I 313 00:14:55.440 --> 00:14:57.639 can't keep up with these guys on the hills. I 314 00:14:57.720 --> 00:14:59.960 hate feeling all and out of shape. While James Crack 315 00:15:00.200 --> 00:15:02.559 jokes about everything. That photoh a year. It was after 316 00:15:02.600 --> 00:15:05.720 a group event. Everyone was messing around. He lifts his 317 00:15:05.720 --> 00:15:08.799 hands like he expects me to drop the subject. Honey, 318 00:15:08.919 --> 00:15:11.120 I promise it's not what you think. Jamie goes home 319 00:15:11.159 --> 00:15:13.519 after the RIDS. I needed heads base, that's all. Didn't 320 00:15:13.519 --> 00:15:15.000 want to get into it because you know how much 321 00:15:15.039 --> 00:15:17.519 cycling means to me, and I'm embarrassed. They can't keep up. 322 00:15:17.919 --> 00:15:20.840 The words have a lulling, familiar quality. I want to 323 00:15:20.840 --> 00:15:23.639 believe them, because to admit otherwise would mean something foundational 324 00:15:23.639 --> 00:15:27.559 has shifted. That night, Samuel is attentive, mixed dinner, cleans up, 325 00:15:27.639 --> 00:15:29.720 even turns off his foree and puts on a movie. 326 00:15:30.120 --> 00:15:34.159 He's gentle, solicitous For a few days, the rhythm normalizes. 327 00:15:34.879 --> 00:15:37.559 He stays home, plans next Sunday's dinner with me, even 328 00:15:37.600 --> 00:15:40.679 suggests inviting a few of our non cycling friends. It's 329 00:15:40.720 --> 00:15:42.840 almost easy to believe that I blew it out of proportion, 330 00:15:42.960 --> 00:15:46.320 that asiety found a target and twisted minor irritations into crisis. 331 00:15:46.879 --> 00:15:51.279 But little cracks reform even during these comspells. Sunday afternoon, 332 00:15:51.399 --> 00:15:54.200 as we're cleaning up after lunch, I catch Samuel texting 333 00:15:54.200 --> 00:15:55.879 with his back to me by the fridge. He laughs 334 00:15:55.879 --> 00:15:58.399 at something, then REases the message thread before returning to 335 00:15:58.440 --> 00:16:02.240 the living room. I file away. Two nights later, while 336 00:16:02.320 --> 00:16:04.679 searching our coot rack for a lostcarf I reach into 337 00:16:04.720 --> 00:16:07.039 Samuel's jacket and find another crumpled print at a bar, 338 00:16:07.159 --> 00:16:09.519 received two drinks, two entrees. They did the same night, 339 00:16:09.559 --> 00:16:12.200 as they're just a quick solo ride. The signature is 340 00:16:12.240 --> 00:16:15.759 Samuel's the server a scroll you touro rite come again 341 00:16:15.840 --> 00:16:19.759 above a smiley face, my breathing goeshllow. It's not just 342 00:16:19.799 --> 00:16:23.320 patterns any more. Detailed stack the photo of the receipt 343 00:16:23.320 --> 00:16:26.480 the late night hotel confirmation. The eras threads. The web 344 00:16:26.519 --> 00:16:29.120 is woven of small choices, made in secret and concealed 345 00:16:29.120 --> 00:16:32.399 even as explanations are offered. I realize, standing in the 346 00:16:32.399 --> 00:16:34.759 semi dark, that trusting Samuel to tell me the truth 347 00:16:34.759 --> 00:16:36.559 has meant not trusting myself to see what's right in 348 00:16:36.559 --> 00:16:39.200 front of me. And I do see it now, or 349 00:16:39.200 --> 00:16:41.320 at least I see that I need to keep looking carefully. 350 00:16:41.840 --> 00:16:44.320 I dig deeper, not sure if I want absolute proof 351 00:16:44.360 --> 00:16:47.799 or the slim is plausible. Out that night, when Samuel's asleep, 352 00:16:47.840 --> 00:16:51.600 I check his email drafts. Some event confirmations have been deleted, 353 00:16:51.600 --> 00:16:54.759 but two remain, both to j Hopkins and a secondary Gmail. 354 00:16:54.799 --> 00:16:57.840 I don't recognize it's for recent Thursdays, the same day 355 00:16:57.840 --> 00:16:59.519 as he said his phone died or his ride was 356 00:16:59.559 --> 00:17:03.399 longer than planned. I pause, hand, hovering. Am I detective? 357 00:17:03.480 --> 00:17:06.359 Or am I losing my mind? I message Megan again, 358 00:17:06.559 --> 00:17:09.000 tacking on a little white lie. Hey have you noticed 359 00:17:09.039 --> 00:17:11.480 Jamie around lately? I'm worried about him. He seemed off 360 00:17:11.480 --> 00:17:14.880 for the last rye. Megan's typing bubble blinks, then stops. 361 00:17:15.599 --> 00:17:18.400 Then I mean he's fine. I guess he and sam 362 00:17:18.440 --> 00:17:20.079 have been meeting up a lot. I thought you all 363 00:17:20.119 --> 00:17:23.319 were close. I thank her, ask about brunch plans, and 364 00:17:23.440 --> 00:17:26.680 the conversation as lightly as possible. Hannick radiates from my 365 00:17:26.759 --> 00:17:30.240 chest in my arms. I close everything, the Venmo account, Strava, 366 00:17:30.440 --> 00:17:33.880 group chats, emails, and try to focus. My doubts have 367 00:17:33.960 --> 00:17:37.079 turned to certainty, but still lack a confession. It's almost 368 00:17:37.079 --> 00:17:39.279 midnight when I step onto the balcony, breathing the cold, 369 00:17:39.400 --> 00:17:42.319 watching Nion slip across slip pavement. The city is full 370 00:17:42.319 --> 00:17:45.400 of people lying to themselves. In this moment, I'm one 371 00:17:45.400 --> 00:17:49.519 of them, but that won't last. Sleep fitful, Samuel leaves 372 00:17:49.519 --> 00:17:53.359 early for another morning ride. My world, once stable, wobbles 373 00:17:53.359 --> 00:17:56.240 on the narrow edge of whatever comes next. And still 374 00:17:56.279 --> 00:17:58.640 I don't have the full truth, not yet, but I 375 00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:01.920 know where to look. To be continued in part two, 376 00:18:02.640 --> 00:18:05.160 I decide mid morning that I can't exist like this 377 00:18:05.240 --> 00:18:07.319 and tethered between certainty and paranoia. So I make a 378 00:18:07.319 --> 00:18:09.920 little list on my phone, a practical plan for the day, grocery, 379 00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:12.599 run emails for work, checking with making about a brunch date. 380 00:18:13.359 --> 00:18:16.599 Lilo observes, see what shakes loose, But the list doesn't 381 00:18:16.640 --> 00:18:20.000 quiet my mind. At the checkout, I find myself enabled 382 00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:21.519 to shake the image of that rooft up barle foot, 383 00:18:21.519 --> 00:18:23.480 of the easy tilt of Samuel's head, the shoulder to 384 00:18:23.480 --> 00:18:26.119 shoulder comfort with Jamie. There was a time I could 385 00:18:26.119 --> 00:18:28.400 read everything Samuel thought by the flicker of his eyes. 386 00:18:28.559 --> 00:18:30.480 Now he seems written in a code. I no longer 387 00:18:30.480 --> 00:18:33.480 possess the key too. Back home, I put my headphones on, 388 00:18:33.759 --> 00:18:36.279 pretend to get lost in date cleaning for an upcoming project. 389 00:18:36.279 --> 00:18:38.640 But every few lines I glance at the clock, half 390 00:18:38.680 --> 00:18:42.240 waiting for Samuel's location to date. Unfind my that, at 391 00:18:42.319 --> 00:18:44.640 least is still enabled the old habit of sharing our 392 00:18:44.680 --> 00:18:47.240 locations in case of emergencies, with the every day chaos 393 00:18:47.240 --> 00:18:50.000 that comes with city living. His dot takes from somewhere 394 00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:52.599 in the new district, then drifts further east. Pauses near 395 00:18:52.640 --> 00:18:57.240 gas works, could be cycling, could be anything. At lunch, 396 00:18:57.359 --> 00:18:59.440 I tax Samuel, just a soft check in hope it's 397 00:18:59.480 --> 00:19:01.960 not pouring on pick up out milk if you pass 398 00:19:02.000 --> 00:19:06.160 a store. His reply takes twelve minutes, purely polite, will 399 00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:09.640 do headed back soon. I eat standing at the counter. 400 00:19:10.279 --> 00:19:12.759 When the ring comes harder, thunder rolling through the city, 401 00:19:12.880 --> 00:19:15.119