WEBVTT 1 00:00:02.160 --> 00:00:05.639 Chapter eleven of Day and I by Jerome K. Jerome. 2 00:00:06.040 --> 00:00:09.640 The slibrivox recording is in the public domain. Recording by 3 00:00:09.640 --> 00:00:13.960 Debon Lynn. They and I by Jerome K. Jerome. Chapter 4 00:00:14.039 --> 00:00:17.960 eleven I fancy Veronica is going to be an authoress. 5 00:00:18.399 --> 00:00:21.079 Her mother thinks this may account for many things about 6 00:00:21.079 --> 00:00:24.320 her that have been troubling us. The story never got far. 7 00:00:24.800 --> 00:00:27.800 It was laid aside for the more alluring work of playwriting, 8 00:00:27.920 --> 00:00:31.519 and apparently forgotten. I came across the copy book containing 9 00:00:31.559 --> 00:00:34.960 her rough notes the other day. There is decided flavor 10 00:00:35.000 --> 00:00:39.560 about them. I transcribe selections, the spelling as before being 11 00:00:39.640 --> 00:00:42.600 my own. The scene is laid in the moon, but 12 00:00:42.719 --> 00:00:45.840 everything is just the same as down here, with one exception. 13 00:00:46.479 --> 00:00:49.399 The children rule. The grown ups did not like it, 14 00:00:49.719 --> 00:00:52.520 but they cannot help it. Something has happened to them. 15 00:00:52.880 --> 00:00:55.200 They don't know what. And the world is as it 16 00:00:55.280 --> 00:00:58.200 used to be, and the sweet old story books before 17 00:00:58.240 --> 00:01:01.240 sin came. There are fair is that dance, or knights 18 00:01:01.560 --> 00:01:04.920 and witches that lure you and then turn you into things. 19 00:01:05.400 --> 00:01:08.000 And a dragon who lives in a cave and springs 20 00:01:08.040 --> 00:01:10.760 out at people and eats them so that you have 21 00:01:10.840 --> 00:01:14.120 to be careful, and all the animals talk, and there 22 00:01:14.159 --> 00:01:17.200 are giants and lots of magic, and it is the 23 00:01:17.280 --> 00:01:19.920 children who know everything and what to do for it, 24 00:01:20.359 --> 00:01:23.040 and they have to teach the grown ups, and the 25 00:01:23.040 --> 00:01:25.840 grown ups don't believe half of it, and are far 26 00:01:25.879 --> 00:01:28.760 too fond of arguing, which is a sore trial to 27 00:01:28.799 --> 00:01:32.920 the children. But they have patience and are just of course. 28 00:01:32.959 --> 00:01:35.040 The grown ups have to go to school. They have 29 00:01:35.159 --> 00:01:39.280 much to learn, poor things, and they hate it. They 30 00:01:39.280 --> 00:01:42.439 take no interest in fairy lore, and what would happen 31 00:01:42.480 --> 00:01:44.439 to them if they got wrecked on a desert island. 32 00:01:44.480 --> 00:01:47.599 They don't seem to care. And then there are languages 33 00:01:48.159 --> 00:01:50.159 what they will need when they come to be children 34 00:01:50.560 --> 00:01:53.560 and have to talk to all the animals and magic 35 00:01:53.799 --> 00:01:56.439 which is deep, and they hate it and say it 36 00:01:56.519 --> 00:02:00.000 is rot. They are full of tricks. One catches them 37 00:02:00.079 --> 00:02:04.599 reading trashy novels under the desk, all about love, which 38 00:02:04.640 --> 00:02:07.560 is wasting their children's money, and God knows it is 39 00:02:07.599 --> 00:02:10.840 hard enough to earn. But the children are not angry 40 00:02:10.879 --> 00:02:14.199 with them, remembering how they felt themselves when they were 41 00:02:14.199 --> 00:02:19.280 grown up. Only firm. The children give them plenty of holidays, 42 00:02:20.159 --> 00:02:23.199 because holidays are good for everyone. They freshen you up. 43 00:02:24.240 --> 00:02:26.599 But the grown ups are very stupid and do not 44 00:02:26.719 --> 00:02:30.919 care for sensible games such as Indians and pirates, what 45 00:02:31.039 --> 00:02:34.639 would sharpen their faculties and so fit them for the future. 46 00:02:35.319 --> 00:02:37.719 They only care to play with a ball, which is 47 00:02:37.759 --> 00:02:41.680 of no help to the stern realities of life. Or 48 00:02:41.759 --> 00:02:46.280 talk lord, how they talk. There is one grown up 49 00:02:46.599 --> 00:02:49.919 who is very clever. He can talk about everything, but 50 00:02:50.039 --> 00:02:53.199 it leads to nothing and spoils the party, so they 51 00:02:53.240 --> 00:02:55.919 send him to bed. And there are two grown ups, 52 00:02:56.199 --> 00:02:59.800 a male and a female, and they talk love all 53 00:02:59.840 --> 00:03:04.520 the time, even on fine days, which is maudlin. But 54 00:03:04.560 --> 00:03:07.360 the children are patient with them, knowing it takes all 55 00:03:07.439 --> 00:03:10.680 sorts to make a world, and trusting they will grow 56 00:03:10.680 --> 00:03:13.039 out of it. And of course there are grown ups 57 00:03:13.080 --> 00:03:17.400 who are good under comfort to their children, and everything 58 00:03:17.439 --> 00:03:21.240 the children like is good and wholesome, and everything the 59 00:03:21.280 --> 00:03:24.039 grown ups like is bad for them, and they mustn't 60 00:03:24.120 --> 00:03:28.840 have it. They clamor for tea and coffee what undermines 61 00:03:28.879 --> 00:03:31.680 their nervous system, and waste their money in the talk 62 00:03:31.759 --> 00:03:35.680 shop upon chops and turtle soup, and the children have 63 00:03:35.719 --> 00:03:38.199 to put them to bed and give them pills till 64 00:03:38.240 --> 00:03:42.080 they feel better. There is a little girl named Prue 65 00:03:42.159 --> 00:03:45.639 who lives with a little boy named Simon. They mean well, 66 00:03:46.039 --> 00:03:49.319 but haven't much sense. They have two grown ups, a 67 00:03:49.400 --> 00:03:53.840 male and a female, named Peter and Martha, respectively. They 68 00:03:53.840 --> 00:03:56.960 are just the ordinary grown ups, neither better nor worse, 69 00:03:57.520 --> 00:04:01.560 and much might be done with them kindness, But Prue 70 00:04:01.560 --> 00:04:05.560 and Simon go the wrong way to work. It is blame, 71 00:04:05.639 --> 00:04:08.599 blame all day long. But as for praise, oh never. 72 00:04:09.520 --> 00:04:12.120 One summer's day, Prue and Simon take Peter for a 73 00:04:12.159 --> 00:04:15.680 walk in the country and they meet a cow, and 74 00:04:15.719 --> 00:04:19.079 they think that's a good opportunity to test Peter's knowledge 75 00:04:19.279 --> 00:04:22.360 of languages, so they tell him to talk to the cow, 76 00:04:22.759 --> 00:04:25.040 and he talks to the cow, and the cow don't 77 00:04:25.120 --> 00:04:28.439 understand him, and he don't understand the cow, and they 78 00:04:28.439 --> 00:04:31.360 are mad with him. What is the use they say, 79 00:04:31.560 --> 00:04:34.600 of our paying expensive fees to have you taught the 80 00:04:34.680 --> 00:04:37.839 language by a first class cow, and when you come 81 00:04:37.839 --> 00:04:41.199 out into the country you can't talk it. And he 82 00:04:41.240 --> 00:04:43.519 says he did talk it, but they will not listen 83 00:04:43.560 --> 00:04:46.399 to him, but go on raving. And in the end 84 00:04:46.399 --> 00:04:50.560 it turns out it was a Jersey cow. We talked 85 00:04:50.600 --> 00:04:53.800 a dialect, so of course he couldn't understand it. But 86 00:04:53.879 --> 00:04:58.720 did they apologize, Oh, dear no. Another time. One morning 87 00:04:58.759 --> 00:05:02.600 at breakfast, Martha didn't like her raspberry vinegar, so she 88 00:05:02.600 --> 00:05:05.759 didn't drink it. And Simon came into the nursery and 89 00:05:05.800 --> 00:05:08.920 he saw that Martha hadn't drunk her raspberry vinegar, and 90 00:05:08.920 --> 00:05:11.360 he asked her why, and she said she didn't like 91 00:05:11.439 --> 00:05:15.319 it because it was nasty, and he said it wasn't nasty, 92 00:05:15.680 --> 00:05:18.120 and that she ought to like it, and how it 93 00:05:18.160 --> 00:05:21.800 was shocking the way grown ups nowadays grumbled that good 94 00:05:21.839 --> 00:05:25.480 wholesome food provided for them by their two indulgent children, 95 00:05:26.360 --> 00:05:28.639 and how when he was a grown up he would 96 00:05:28.680 --> 00:05:32.120 never have dared, and so on, all in the usual style. 97 00:05:32.480 --> 00:05:34.680 And to prove it wasn't nasty, he poured himself out 98 00:05:34.720 --> 00:05:38.600 a cupful and drank it off in a gulp, and 99 00:05:38.680 --> 00:05:41.879 he said it was delicious and turned pale and left 100 00:05:41.920 --> 00:05:45.160 the room. And Prue came into the nursery and she 101 00:05:45.199 --> 00:05:48.199 saw that Martha hadn't drunk her raspberry vinegar, and she 102 00:05:48.319 --> 00:05:51.399 asked her why, and Martha told her how she didn't 103 00:05:51.480 --> 00:05:54.600 like it because it was nasty and Prue told her 104 00:05:54.639 --> 00:05:57.319 she ought to be ashamed of herself for not liking it, 105 00:05:57.480 --> 00:06:00.639 because it was good for her, really very nice, and 106 00:06:00.720 --> 00:06:03.759 anyhow she got to like it and not get stuffing 107 00:06:03.759 --> 00:06:06.879 herself up with messy tea and coffee because she wouldn't 108 00:06:06.920 --> 00:06:09.079 have it, and there was an end of it and 109 00:06:09.120 --> 00:06:12.360 so on. And to prove it was all right, she 110 00:06:12.439 --> 00:06:15.240 poured herself out a cupful and drank it off in 111 00:06:15.279 --> 00:06:17.959 a gulp. And she said there was nothing wrong with it, 112 00:06:18.560 --> 00:06:22.759 nothing whatever, and turned pale and left the room. And 113 00:06:22.839 --> 00:06:26.560 it wasn't raspberry vinegar but just red ink what had 114 00:06:26.560 --> 00:06:30.160 got put into the raspberry vinegar decanter by an oversight. 115 00:06:31.000 --> 00:06:33.439 And they needn't have been ill at all if only 116 00:06:33.480 --> 00:06:37.519 they had listened to poor old Martha. But no, that 117 00:06:37.720 --> 00:06:40.800 was their fixed idea that grown ups hadn't any sense 118 00:06:41.439 --> 00:06:45.360 at all. What is a mistake, as one perceives. Other 119 00:06:45.480 --> 00:06:48.720 characters had been sketched, some of them to be abandoned 120 00:06:48.720 --> 00:06:51.959 after a few bold touches, the difficulty of avoiding too 121 00:06:51.959 --> 00:06:55.000 close a portraiture to the living original having apparently proved 122 00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:58.959 irksome against one such evidently, in an attempt to help 123 00:06:59.040 --> 00:07:02.079 Dick see himself in his true colors. I find this 124 00:07:02.240 --> 00:07:06.720 marginal note and pencil better not might make him ratty 125 00:07:07.800 --> 00:07:11.480 opposite to another obviously of missus Saint Leonard, and with 126 00:07:11.600 --> 00:07:16.399 instinct for alliteration, is scribbled too terribly true, she'd twigget. 127 00:07:16.879 --> 00:07:19.959 Another character is that of a gent with a certain 128 00:07:20.000 --> 00:07:24.319 gift for telling stories, some of them not bad, a 129 00:07:24.360 --> 00:07:27.720 promising party on the whole. Indeed, one might say, judging 130 00:07:27.720 --> 00:07:30.800 from description, a quite rational person when not on the 131 00:07:30.879 --> 00:07:34.519 ran tan but inconsistent. He is the grown up of 132 00:07:34.560 --> 00:07:39.079 a little girl, not beautiful, but strangely attractive, whom we 133 00:07:39.120 --> 00:07:42.279 will call Enid. One gathers that if all the children 134 00:07:42.319 --> 00:07:45.040 had been Enid's, then surely the last word in worlds 135 00:07:45.079 --> 00:07:47.800 had been said. She has only this one grown up 136 00:07:47.839 --> 00:07:49.920 of her very own. But she makes it her business 137 00:07:49.920 --> 00:07:52.800 to adopt and reform all the incorrigible old folk the 138 00:07:52.839 --> 00:07:56.120 other children have despaired of. It is all done by kindness. 139 00:07:56.720 --> 00:08:01.000 She is ever patient and just. Pro Among her numerous 140 00:08:01.040 --> 00:08:05.360 proteges is a military man, an elderly colonel until she 141 00:08:05.519 --> 00:08:07.839 took him in hand, the awful example of what a 142 00:08:07.879 --> 00:08:10.360 grown up might easily become left to the care of 143 00:08:10.399 --> 00:08:14.720 incompetent infants. He defies his own child, a virtuous youth, 144 00:08:14.920 --> 00:08:18.079 but lacking in sympathy, is rude to his little nephews 145 00:08:18.079 --> 00:08:22.160 and nieces, a holy terror to his governess. He uses 146 00:08:22.160 --> 00:08:26.439 wicked words picked up from retired pirates, of course, without 147 00:08:26.519 --> 00:08:31.399 understanding their terrible significance. He steals the Indian's fire water, 148 00:08:32.000 --> 00:08:36.440 what few can partake of with impunity, certainly not the Colonel. 149 00:08:37.080 --> 00:08:41.159 Can this be? He? This gibbering wreck? He hides cigars 150 00:08:41.159 --> 00:08:43.679 in a hollow tree and smokes on the sly. He 151 00:08:43.720 --> 00:08:47.039 plays truant lures other old gentlemen away from their lessons 152 00:08:47.080 --> 00:08:49.480 to join him. They are discovered in the woods in 153 00:08:49.519 --> 00:08:53.759 a cave playing whist for sixpenny points does Enid's storm 154 00:08:53.840 --> 00:08:56.440 and bully Rag threaten that if ever she catches him 155 00:08:56.480 --> 00:08:58.240 so much as looking at a cart again, she will 156 00:08:58.240 --> 00:09:00.559 go straight out and tell the dragon, who will, in 157 00:09:00.600 --> 00:09:03.159 his turn, be so shocked that, in all probability he 158 00:09:03.200 --> 00:09:05.039 will decide on coming back with her to kill and 159 00:09:05.080 --> 00:09:08.559 eat the Colonel on the spot. No, such are not 160 00:09:08.679 --> 00:09:13.600 her methods. Instead, she smiles indulgently. She says it is 161 00:09:13.600 --> 00:09:16.360 only natural for grown ups to like playing cards. She 162 00:09:16.440 --> 00:09:18.559 is not angry with him, and there is no need 163 00:09:18.600 --> 00:09:20.360 for him to run away and hide in a nasty, 164 00:09:20.440 --> 00:09:24.279 damp cave. She herself will play whist with him. The 165 00:09:24.320 --> 00:09:27.360 effect upon the Colonel is immediate. He bursts into tears. 166 00:09:27.679 --> 00:09:31.440 She plays wisps with him in the garden after school hours, 167 00:09:31.679 --> 00:09:35.360 when he has been good. Double dummy. One presumes one 168 00:09:35.440 --> 00:09:37.840 leaves the colonel in the end cured of his passion 169 00:09:37.879 --> 00:09:40.600 for whist, whether as the consequence of her play or 170 00:09:40.600 --> 00:09:44.639 her influence. The rough notes give no indication in the play, 171 00:09:44.759 --> 00:09:48.320 I am inclined to think Veronica received assistance. The house 172 00:09:48.360 --> 00:09:51.639 had got itself finished early in September, young, but has 173 00:09:51.679 --> 00:09:55.600 certainly done wonders. We performed it in the empty billiard room, 174 00:09:55.759 --> 00:09:58.399 followed by a one act piece of my own. The 175 00:09:58.440 --> 00:10:01.799 occasion did duty as a house. We had quite a 176 00:10:01.799 --> 00:10:04.960 crowd and ended up with a dance. Everybody seemed to 177 00:10:05.039 --> 00:10:08.039 enjoy themselves, except young Bertie Saint Leonard, who played the 178 00:10:08.039 --> 00:10:10.159 Prince and could not get out of his helmet in 179 00:10:10.200 --> 00:10:13.240 time for supper. It was a good helmet that had 180 00:10:13.279 --> 00:10:16.759 been fastened clumsily and inexperienced people trying to help, but 181 00:10:16.879 --> 00:10:20.679 only succeeded in jamming all the screws. Not only wouldn't 182 00:10:20.720 --> 00:10:23.080 it come off, it would not even open for a drink. 183 00:10:23.840 --> 00:10:26.559 All thought in an excellent joke with the exception of 184 00:10:26.600 --> 00:10:30.320 young Herbert. Saint Leonard, our mayor, a cheerful little man 185 00:10:30.360 --> 00:10:32.840 and very popular, said that it ought to be sent 186 00:10:32.919 --> 00:10:36.720 to punch. The local reporter reminded him that the late 187 00:10:36.799 --> 00:10:39.399 John Leech had already made use of precisely the same 188 00:10:39.480 --> 00:10:43.360 incident for a comic illustration. Afterwards, remembering that it was 189 00:10:43.399 --> 00:10:46.279 not Leech but the late phil May, he seemed to 190 00:10:46.279 --> 00:10:49.440 think this ended the matter. Saint Leonard and the Vicar, 191 00:10:49.480 --> 00:10:52.559 who our rival authorities upon the subject, fell into an 192 00:10:52.639 --> 00:10:55.559 argument upon armor in general, the special reference to the 193 00:10:55.600 --> 00:10:59.480 fourteenth century. Each used the boy's head to confirm his 194 00:10:59.519 --> 00:11:02.559 own theory, passing it triumphantly from one to the other. 195 00:11:03.399 --> 00:11:05.799 We had to send off Young Hopkins and the donkey 196 00:11:05.799 --> 00:11:08.720 cart for the blacksmith. I have found out by the way, 197 00:11:08.720 --> 00:11:11.960 how it is young Hopkins makes our donkey go. Young 198 00:11:12.000 --> 00:11:15.120 Hopkins argues it is far less brutal than whacking him, 199 00:11:15.519 --> 00:11:18.440 especially after experience has proved that he evidently does not 200 00:11:18.600 --> 00:11:21.120 know why you are whacking him. I am not at 201 00:11:21.120 --> 00:11:24.120 all sure the boy is not right. Janey played the 202 00:11:24.159 --> 00:11:27.320 fairy god Mamma in a white wig and panniers. She 203 00:11:27.399 --> 00:11:30.639 will make a beautiful old lady. The white hair gives 204 00:11:30.639 --> 00:11:34.080 her the one thing that she lacks, distinction. I found 205 00:11:34.159 --> 00:11:37.399 myself glancing apprehensively round the room, wishing we had not 206 00:11:37.480 --> 00:11:41.360 invited so many eligible bachelors. Dick is making me anxious. 207 00:11:41.919 --> 00:11:44.279 The sense of his own unworthiness, which has come to 208 00:11:44.360 --> 00:11:47.000 him quite suddenly, and apparently with all the shock of 209 00:11:47.000 --> 00:11:50.360 a new discovery, has completely unnerved him. It is a 210 00:11:50.360 --> 00:11:53.320 healthy sentiment and does him good, but I do not 211 00:11:53.399 --> 00:11:56.000 want it carried to the length of losing her. The 212 00:11:56.039 --> 00:11:57.960 thought of what he might one day bring home has 213 00:11:57.960 --> 00:11:59.960 been a nightmare to me ever since he left school. 214 00:12:00.600 --> 00:12:03.600 I suppose it is to most fathers, especially if one 215 00:12:03.600 --> 00:12:05.759 thinks of the women one loved one's self. When in 216 00:12:05.759 --> 00:12:09.159 the early twenties, a large, pale faced girl who served 217 00:12:09.159 --> 00:12:11.080 in a bun shop in the strand as the first 218 00:12:11.120 --> 00:12:14.279 I can recollect how I trembled when by chance her 219 00:12:14.360 --> 00:12:18.200 hand touched mine. I cannot recall a single attraction about 220 00:12:18.200 --> 00:12:21.240 her except her size. Yet for nearly six months I 221 00:12:21.360 --> 00:12:24.200 lunched off pastryan mineral waters merely to be near her. 222 00:12:24.759 --> 00:12:27.559 To this very day, an attack of indigestion will always 223 00:12:27.600 --> 00:12:31.159 recreate her image in my mind. Another was a thin, 224 00:12:31.279 --> 00:12:34.879 sallow girl, but with magnificent eyes. I met one afternoon 225 00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:39.200 in the South Kensington Museum. She was a brainless, vixenish girl, 226 00:12:39.320 --> 00:12:41.360 but the memory of her eyes would always draw me 227 00:12:41.440 --> 00:12:44.159 back to her. More than two thirds of our time 228 00:12:44.200 --> 00:12:47.279 together we spent in violent quarrels, and all my hopes 229 00:12:47.320 --> 00:12:49.440 of eternity I would have given to make her my 230 00:12:49.559 --> 00:12:52.600 companion for life. But for luck in the shape of 231 00:12:52.600 --> 00:12:55.440 a well to do cab proprietor as great an idiot 232 00:12:55.440 --> 00:12:58.559 as myself, I might have done it. The third was 233 00:12:58.600 --> 00:13:01.360 a chorous girl, the whole, the best of the bunch. 234 00:13:01.840 --> 00:13:04.159 Her father was a coachman, and she had ten brothers 235 00:13:04.159 --> 00:13:07.440 and sisters, most of them doing well in service. And 236 00:13:07.519 --> 00:13:10.279 she was succeeded, if I have the order correct, by 237 00:13:10.279 --> 00:13:13.759 the ex wife of a solicitor, a sprightly lady, according 238 00:13:13.759 --> 00:13:17.440 to her own account, the victim of complicated injustice. I 239 00:13:17.519 --> 00:13:19.399 dare say there were others, if I took the time 240 00:13:19.480 --> 00:13:21.759 to think, but not one of them can I remember 241 00:13:21.799 --> 00:13:25.240 without returning thanks to Providence for having lost her. What 242 00:13:25.399 --> 00:13:28.080 is one to do? There are days in springtime when 243 00:13:28.080 --> 00:13:30.720 a young man ought not to be allowed outside the house, 244 00:13:31.440 --> 00:13:34.440 Thank Heaven and convention. It is not the girls who proposed. 245 00:13:35.080 --> 00:13:37.480 Few women who would choose the right moment to put 246 00:13:37.480 --> 00:13:40.440 their hands upon a young man's shoulders, and, looking into 247 00:13:40.440 --> 00:13:43.080 his eyes, ask him to marry them next week, would 248 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:46.879 receive no for an answer. It is only our shyness 249 00:13:46.879 --> 00:13:49.799 that saves us. A wise friend of mine, who has 250 00:13:49.840 --> 00:13:53.200 observed much, would have all those marrying under five and 251 00:13:53.279 --> 00:13:57.639 twenty divorced by automatic effluction of time at forty, leaving 252 00:13:57.679 --> 00:14:00.600 the few who had chosen satisfactorily to be re united 253 00:14:00.600 --> 00:14:04.039 if they wished. His argument being that to condemn grown 254 00:14:04.080 --> 00:14:06.559 men and women to abide by the choice of inexperienced 255 00:14:06.559 --> 00:14:10.559 boys and girls is unjust and absurd. There were nice 256 00:14:10.600 --> 00:14:12.879 girls I could have fallen in love with. They never 257 00:14:12.919 --> 00:14:15.159 occurred to me. It would seem as if a man 258 00:14:15.200 --> 00:14:17.559 had to learn taste in women, as in all other things, 259 00:14:17.919 --> 00:14:22.159 namely by education. Here and there may exist the born connoisseur, 260 00:14:22.559 --> 00:14:25.600 but with most of us, our first instincts are towards vulgarity. 261 00:14:26.679 --> 00:14:28.879 It is Barry, I think, who says that if only 262 00:14:28.879 --> 00:14:31.279 there were silly women enough to go round, good women 263 00:14:31.320 --> 00:14:34.320 would never get a look in. It is certainly remarkable 264 00:14:34.360 --> 00:14:37.559 the number of sweet old maids one meets, almost as 265 00:14:37.559 --> 00:14:41.159 remarkable as the number of stupid, cross grained wives. As 266 00:14:41.200 --> 00:14:43.360 I tell Dick, I have no desire for a daughter 267 00:14:43.399 --> 00:14:45.960 in law of whom he feels himself worthy. If he 268 00:14:46.000 --> 00:14:48.679 can't do better than that, he had best remain single. 269 00:14:49.720 --> 00:14:51.919 Janey and He, if I know anything of life, are 270 00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:55.399 just suited for one another. Helpful people take their happiness 271 00:14:55.399 --> 00:14:59.440 in helping. I knew just such another. Once a sweet, industrious, 272 00:14:59.519 --> 00:15:03.399 sensible she made the mistake of marrying a thoroughly good man. 273 00:15:04.120 --> 00:15:06.720 There was nothing for her to do. She ended by 274 00:15:06.720 --> 00:15:09.639 losing all interest in him, devoting herself to a home 275 00:15:09.679 --> 00:15:12.840 in the East End for the reformation of newsboys. It 276 00:15:12.919 --> 00:15:15.559 was a pitiful waste. So many women would have been 277 00:15:15.559 --> 00:15:18.360 glad of him, while to the ordinary sinful man she 278 00:15:18.360 --> 00:15:21.039 would have been a life long comfort. I must have 279 00:15:21.080 --> 00:15:23.679 a serious talk to Dick. I shall point out what 280 00:15:23.759 --> 00:15:26.080 a good thing it will be for her. I can 281 00:15:26.120 --> 00:15:28.399 see Dick keeping her busy and contented for the rest 282 00:15:28.440 --> 00:15:32.360 of her days. Veronica played the princess with little boy 283 00:15:32.480 --> 00:15:36.720 Foy Sir Robert of the Course as her page. Anything 284 00:15:36.759 --> 00:15:39.559 more dignified has, I should say, rarely been seen upon 285 00:15:39.600 --> 00:15:43.519 the English stage. Among her wedding presents were two votes 286 00:15:43.600 --> 00:15:47.080 for women, presented by the local fire brigade. A flying 287 00:15:47.120 --> 00:15:50.600 machine of proved stability might be used as a bathing tent. 288 00:15:51.360 --> 00:15:54.879 A national theater with cold water, douche and basement for 289 00:15:54.960 --> 00:15:59.440 reception of English dramatists. Recipe for building a navy without 290 00:15:59.440 --> 00:16:02.679 paying for it. Gift of that great financial expert, Sir 291 00:16:02.679 --> 00:16:08.440 hocus Pocus. One conscientious income taxpayer has been driven by 292 00:16:08.440 --> 00:16:11.919 a lady. Two socialists in agreement as to what it 293 00:16:12.039 --> 00:16:18.120 means smaller, one slightly damaged, one contented farmer Babylonian period, 294 00:16:18.720 --> 00:16:23.399 and one exercised bottle. Solution of the servant problem. Dick 295 00:16:23.440 --> 00:16:26.759 played the dragon without a tale. We had to make 296 00:16:26.840 --> 00:16:29.480 him without a tale, owing to the smallness of the stage. 297 00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:31.720 He had once had a tale, but that was a 298 00:16:31.759 --> 00:16:34.399 long story added to which there was not time to 299 00:16:34.440 --> 00:16:38.000 tell it. Little Sallie Saint Leonard played his wife, and 300 00:16:38.120 --> 00:16:41.120 Robin was his mother in law. So much depends upon 301 00:16:41.159 --> 00:16:44.279 one's mood. What an ocean of boredom might be saved 302 00:16:44.320 --> 00:16:46.639 if science could but give us a barometer for telling 303 00:16:46.720 --> 00:16:49.440 us our changes of temperament, How much more to our 304 00:16:49.480 --> 00:16:52.759 comfort we could plan in our lives, knowing that on Monday, say, 305 00:16:52.799 --> 00:16:56.519 we should be feeling frivolous, on Saturday dull to bad tempered. 306 00:16:57.679 --> 00:17:00.559 I took a man once to see the private Secretary. 307 00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:04.519 I began by enjoying myself, and ended by feeling ashamed 308 00:17:04.559 --> 00:17:07.480 of myself and vexed with the scheme of creation. That 309 00:17:07.559 --> 00:17:10.680 authors should write such plays, that actors should be willing 310 00:17:10.680 --> 00:17:13.720 to degrade our common nature by appearing in them, was explainable, 311 00:17:13.720 --> 00:17:16.559 he supposed, by the law of supply and demand. What 312 00:17:16.640 --> 00:17:19.079 he could not understand was how the public could contrive 313 00:17:19.160 --> 00:17:22.319 to extract amusement from them. What was their funny in 314 00:17:22.359 --> 00:17:24.960 seeing a poor gentleman shut up in a box? Why 315 00:17:24.960 --> 00:17:27.519 should everybody roar with laughter when he asked for a bun? 316 00:17:28.039 --> 00:17:31.200 People asked for buns every day, people in railway refreshment 317 00:17:31.279 --> 00:17:34.240 rooms and aer raated bread shops. Where was the joke? 318 00:17:35.079 --> 00:17:37.759 A month later, I found myself, by chance, occupying the 319 00:17:37.799 --> 00:17:41.119 seat just behind him, at the pantomime, the low comedian 320 00:17:41.240 --> 00:17:43.759 was bathing a baby, and tears of merriment were rolling 321 00:17:43.799 --> 00:17:47.119 down his cheeks. To me, the whole business seemed painful 322 00:17:47.160 --> 00:17:50.240 and revolting. We were being asked to find delight in 323 00:17:50.279 --> 00:17:53.240 the spectacle of a father scouring down an infant of 324 00:17:53.319 --> 00:17:57.240 tender years with a scrubbing brush. How women, many of 325 00:17:57.279 --> 00:18:00.680 them mothers, could remain through such an exhibition without rising 326 00:18:00.720 --> 00:18:04.200 in protest appeared to me an argument against female suffrage. 327 00:18:04.960 --> 00:18:08.319 A lady entered the wife, so the program informed me 328 00:18:08.359 --> 00:18:10.960 of a baron. All I can say is that a 329 00:18:10.960 --> 00:18:13.839 more vulg her, less prepossessing female I never wished to meet. 330 00:18:14.359 --> 00:18:18.000 I even doubted her sobriety. She sat down plump upon 331 00:18:18.039 --> 00:18:21.440 the baby. She must have been a woman rising sixteen stone, 332 00:18:21.799 --> 00:18:24.200 and for one minute fifteen seconds, by my watch, the 333 00:18:24.240 --> 00:18:27.359 whole house rocked with laughter. That the thing was only 334 00:18:27.400 --> 00:18:30.559 a stage property, I felt was no excuse. The humor 335 00:18:30.720 --> 00:18:33.039 heaven saved the mark lay in the supposition that what 336 00:18:33.119 --> 00:18:35.519 we were witnessing was the agony and death, for no 337 00:18:35.640 --> 00:18:38.519 child could have survived that woman's weight of a real baby. 338 00:18:39.200 --> 00:18:41.960 Had I been able to tap myself beforehand, I should 339 00:18:42.000 --> 00:18:44.160 have learned that on that particular Saturday I was going 340 00:18:44.200 --> 00:18:47.359 to be set serious. Instead of booking a seat for 341 00:18:47.400 --> 00:18:49.359 the pantomime, I should have gone to a lecture on 342 00:18:49.400 --> 00:18:52.119 Egyptian pottery, which was being given by a friend of 343 00:18:52.160 --> 00:18:54.640 mine at the London Library, and have had a good time. 344 00:18:55.400 --> 00:18:58.640 Children could tap their parents, warn each other that father 345 00:18:58.799 --> 00:19:02.039 was going down, that mother next week was likely to 346 00:19:02.039 --> 00:19:05.680 be gusty. Children themselves might hang out their little parometers. 347 00:19:06.359 --> 00:19:08.839 I remember a rainy day in a country house during 348 00:19:08.880 --> 00:19:12.440 the Christmas holidays. We had among us a member of Parliament, 349 00:19:12.640 --> 00:19:16.440 a man of sunny disposition, extremely fond of children. He 350 00:19:16.480 --> 00:19:18.759 said it was awfully hard lines on the little beggars, 351 00:19:18.799 --> 00:19:22.119 cooped up in a nursery, and borrowing his host's motor coat, 352 00:19:22.519 --> 00:19:25.599 pretended he was a bear. He plodded round on his 353 00:19:25.680 --> 00:19:28.039 hands and knees and growled a good deal, And the 354 00:19:28.119 --> 00:19:31.000 children sat on the sofa and watched him. But they 355 00:19:31.000 --> 00:19:34.119 didn't seem to be enjoying it, not much. And after 356 00:19:34.160 --> 00:19:36.720 a quarter of an hour or so he noticed this himself. 357 00:19:37.440 --> 00:19:40.039 He thought it was maybe that they were tired of bears, 358 00:19:40.079 --> 00:19:43.079 and fancied that a whale might rouse them. He turned 359 00:19:43.160 --> 00:19:45.640 the table upside down and placed the children in it 360 00:19:45.680 --> 00:19:48.720 on three chairs, explaining to them that they were shipwrecked 361 00:19:48.720 --> 00:19:51.200 sailors on a raft and that they must be careful 362 00:19:51.200 --> 00:19:53.400 the whale did not get underneath it and upset them. 363 00:19:53.920 --> 00:19:56.400 He draped a sheet over the towel horse to represent 364 00:19:56.440 --> 00:19:59.359 an iceberg, and rolled himself up in a macintosh, and 365 00:19:59.400 --> 00:20:02.240 flopped about the floor on his stomach, butting his head 366 00:20:02.279 --> 00:20:04.839 occasionally against the table, in order to suggest to them 367 00:20:04.880 --> 00:20:08.480 their danger. The attitude of the children still remained that 368 00:20:08.599 --> 00:20:12.119 of polite spectators. True, the youngest boy did make the 369 00:20:12.160 --> 00:20:15.359 suggestion of borrowing the kitchen toasting fork and employing it 370 00:20:15.359 --> 00:20:17.839 as a harpoon, but even this appeared to be the 371 00:20:17.880 --> 00:20:20.240 outcome rather of a desire to please than of many 372 00:20:20.279 --> 00:20:23.640 warmer interests, and the wail objecting the idea fell through. 373 00:20:24.759 --> 00:20:27.160 After that, he climbed up on the dresser and announced 374 00:20:27.160 --> 00:20:30.240 to them that he was an orangutae. They watched him 375 00:20:30.279 --> 00:20:33.200 break a soup tureen, and then the eldest boy, stepping 376 00:20:33.240 --> 00:20:35.279 out into the middle of the room, held up his arm, 377 00:20:35.680 --> 00:20:38.920 and the member of Parliament, somewhat surprised, sat down on 378 00:20:38.920 --> 00:20:42.880 the dresser and listened, please, sir, said the eldest boy. 379 00:20:43.000 --> 00:20:45.920 We're awfully sorry. It's awfully good of you, sir, but 380 00:20:46.039 --> 00:20:48.400 somehow we're not feeling in the mood for wild beasts. 381 00:20:48.440 --> 00:20:52.160 This afternoon, the Member of Parliament brought them down into 382 00:20:52.200 --> 00:20:54.880 the drawing room, where we had music, and the children, 383 00:20:54.880 --> 00:20:58.119 at their own request, were allowed to sing hymns. The 384 00:20:58.200 --> 00:21:00.400 next day they came of their own accord and asked 385 00:21:00.400 --> 00:21:02.440 a member of Parliament to play at beasts with them, 386 00:21:02.759 --> 00:21:05.680 but it seemed he had letters to write. There are 387 00:21:05.759 --> 00:21:08.079 times when jokes about mothers in law strike me as 388 00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:11.880 lacking both in taste and freshness. On this particular evening 389 00:21:11.920 --> 00:21:14.119 they came to me, bringing with them all the fragrance 390 00:21:14.160 --> 00:21:17.000 of the days that are no more. The first play 391 00:21:17.079 --> 00:21:19.160 I ever saw dealt with the subject of the mother 392 00:21:19.240 --> 00:21:21.920 in law, the problem I think it was called in 393 00:21:21.960 --> 00:21:26.000 those days. The occasion was an amateur performance given in 394 00:21:26.119 --> 00:21:29.279 aid of the local ragged school. A cousin of mine, 395 00:21:29.359 --> 00:21:32.359 lately married, played the wife, and my aunt I remember, 396 00:21:32.400 --> 00:21:34.039 got up and walked out in the middle of the 397 00:21:34.079 --> 00:21:38.839 second act. Robina in spectacles and an early Victorian bonnet 398 00:21:38.880 --> 00:21:42.440 reminded me of her. Young but played a comic cabman. 399 00:21:43.039 --> 00:21:45.640 It was at the old Haymarket in Buxton's time that 400 00:21:45.720 --> 00:21:49.359 I first met the cabmen of art and literature. Dear 401 00:21:49.440 --> 00:21:54.279