Speaker 1: Hey, besties, it is me. I have a quick little
announcement for you before we dive into the podcast. So,
my special Sorry Dad was supposed to come out December twelfth,
but some stuff went down, as it sometimes does, and
we have pushed the release date to December nineteenth. So
when you're with your family, when you're trying not to
fistfight your family over Christmas, you can lock yourself in
your bedroom and watch my special Sorry Dad on YouTube
December nineteenth. It's also on OnlyFans TV. No interruptions, no commercials,
none of that. So check out my special when it comes.
Sorry for the wait, love you guys. Welcome back to
Talk and Schmid You guys. It's me Mother. I am
so excited to be here with you this week. I
have so much to catch you up on, but I'm
going to do that next week, giving you a little teaser.
Next week, I'll catch you up on Italy and everything
that I've been up to. But this episode is so wonderful.
It is with one of my favorite people. He is
a comedie and a podcaster and a dear friend of mine,
and I hope you guys enjoyed this episode as much
as I did. Please enjoy Andrew Santino.
Speaker 2: Okay, let's go. Did we really done the moon? No?
I've said no one hundred times.
Speaker 1: Have you.
Speaker 2: I don't believe it. I think we have. I think
we have since then. Yeah, me and KK are on
the same same page, same way for both lawyers.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I think she didn't pass the bar, just
like you.
Speaker 2: I passed the bar, did you. Yeah, in Rhode Island.
Only in Rhode Island that I passed the bar. And
I don't know. I don't know why I took a
test there. I thought maybe i'd moved there. Yeah. Trust me,
I don't pass any bars. I go in and I
get fucking hammer. What is this? What are we doing?
Speaker 1: My god? Dad jokes?
Speaker 2: Come on, I give you a bunch of good dad jokes. Ready,
here's one.
Speaker 1: Okay, go.
Speaker 2: Richard Kind. You know Richard Kind?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 2: Oh, yeah you do. Yeah, you've seen him before a
thousand times. You just don't know his name, but you've
seen his face. He's like one of the most like
worked character actors. Okay, do you see Milanie's new show?
He was Melanie's co host.
Speaker 1: Yes, okay, everyone's in la.
Speaker 2: Yes. This is my favorite because it's in Richard's voice,
He's like two nuns. Two nuns are on bicycles in
the countryside, and the one turns the other one and goes,
I've never come this way, And the first one says,
it's the cobblestones.
Speaker 3: So good.
Speaker 2: That's such a good there's no fat on that joke.
That's a perfect, perfect joke. I got so many dad
jokes from.
Speaker 1: Him, cher kind, What are you saving them for?
Speaker 2: You can't do it on stage.
Speaker 1: They're street jokes, Like, how often do people come up
to you when they know you're a comedian and say,
tell me a joke?
Speaker 2: Mostly family members all the time.
Speaker 1: What is that?
Speaker 2: How do we stop that?
Speaker 1: It's a pandemic?
Speaker 2: No, I like it. It's you you, Yeah, because it's
your it's your uncle or your aunt, and they've got
a zinger for you. I'll take it. I'm thinking about
doing an entire special of street jokes.
Speaker 1: Street jokes would be great, But what about all the
jokes that people pitch you?
Speaker 2: Oh? Well, sometimes they're okay, are they? Sometimes I might
steal that?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, name one that got pitched and you stole.
Speaker 2: My glass closer Nold. Actually, the whole special was actually
a pitch from my uncle from a bunker. No, I've
got an uncle that'll text me some stuff. Sometimes. I
actually like some of it. Some of it goes off,
some of it gets a little like ret row Yeah,
a little crazy. Yeah, we ea. And the libs with it.
You're like, oh, oh, never mind, not going to get into this.
This this whole daya tribe that was Thanksgiving.
Speaker 1: How was your Thanksgiving?
Speaker 2: Oh phenomenal? Actually, yeah it was great. I went back
to Chicago, Chicago, and we decided five years ago that
Turkey was a waste of all of our time.
Speaker 1: Okay, Turkey the country.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't mess with those people.
Speaker 1: You have enough hair.
Speaker 2: No, I like Turkey, dude. I actually think Turkey is great,
beautiful country.
Speaker 1: Remember when you were going to Turkey and I thought
you said Istanbul and I said, have fun in India.
Speaker 2: You're idiot, You're an idiot. I also went to Budapest Hunger. Yeah,
oh yeah, No, you don't know any Eastern European countries
and you it's one big circle, and.
Speaker 1: It's a circle everyone should avoid.
Speaker 2: I don't think anyone needs to go. No, it's beautiful,
it's not. Budapest is just is so pretty. Honestly, it's
so great. It's divided by a river and on one
side it's uh Buddha and the other other side is pest.
That is true. It's Buddha and peste. Okay, but it's incredible.
And no, it's such a it's like a thriving country
of like music, culture, food, the night scene is the
night scenes incredible. For an old guy, it's great because
when you go to a city and they're like, oh,
this's got a good going out scene, but it's all
young people.
Speaker 1: But you're not old.
Speaker 2: Don't forty two is old? No, it's not, is it not? Yes,
it is.
Speaker 1: No, it's not.
Speaker 3: I'm forty from the Midwest. I'm feeling old.
Speaker 2: We're old, buddy. No, it is forty two is old.
And here here's the reason. Here's how I know. Stop
saying that I said this yesterday. Fans, younger fans now,
when they approach me sometimes they call me mister Santino
and that that's kind of nice. No, no, no, no, that's
kind It iss sir, sir is mister Santino's is that?
Mister Santino? Can we take a picture? It's you're I'm
an old man, now, I get it. I look like,
Look at how I guess I'm an old guy.
Speaker 1: You don't dress old.
Speaker 2: This is old. This is what an old man?
Speaker 1: Are you bullying yourself?
Speaker 2: Because no, but I gave up. I don't care about
the thing anymore. I'm not. I don't want to shop
for clothes. This is all free. Everything I'm wearing was
given to me. I'm not gonna shop out. I swear
to God on my life, not one thing on my underwear,
these socks, these shoes, these pants did I didn't pay
for any of it? This hat, okay, it gets given
to me. When I do a thing, an event, they
send me, they go, hey, do you want a bag
of clothes. Yeah, I'll take some of the new merch
and I just wear it. I don't even care if
it's nice or if it fits or I'm gonna these
don't fit the fit. I'm dying on the inside. They're
way too tight on my I don't care. But I can't.
I can't, thanks, No, I can't, cause then you'll see.
Speaker 1: So you gave up on turkey, and then what did
you substitute it with?
Speaker 2: Uh? Uh prime rib? Oh?
Speaker 1: Much better, it's the best, much better.
Speaker 2: My sister my mom and my dad. We all kind
of finally were like, do we want to do turkey?
Because I had complained for years. I don't like turkey.
I think it's gross.
Speaker 1: It is, it's really dry.
Speaker 2: It's just a nasty fits.
Speaker 1: You don't want I have to have a main dish
where you need all the other dishes to make it good.
Speaker 2: Okay, correct edible?
Speaker 1: Correct Like, you don't want to put slop on top
of it in order for it to be edible.
Speaker 2: I don't need it. So then I said no more,
and my dad was like, what about a red meat thing?
I said, great, we'll cook like a big prime rib.
We'll be like a rib roast or something. And we
all agreed. So it's easy on my mom. It was
just it was more for like my mom. I was like,
why are we Why are you just like doing this
all day? We could be hanging out like on the
patio having a cocktail by the fire, and she was like,
I don't want to cook that shiit anymore. I was like, yeah, perfect,
So we stopped. It's been amazing.
Speaker 1: The leftovers are better too, because you can have like friendships.
Speaker 2: My sister and her soon to be husband in the
morning had steak and eggs. I was like, see, see
how much nicer this is. I was like, I leftover
turkey sandwich.
Speaker 1: No, do you eat horse radish with your prime rib?
Speaker 2: I will sometimes you don't like it, It's okay.
Speaker 1: I wanted to blow my face off.
Speaker 2: Oh you like that much? Yeah, then you need to
go to you need to go to Eastern Europe. That's
when you'll get killed. No, what is it?
Speaker 1: I went to Eastern Europe and I almost killed myself.
Speaker 2: So why I didn't like it that much? What do
you like? You only like the United States?
Speaker 1: I like my couch, I like my bed, I like
my dog.
Speaker 2: What country do you like outside of the US?
Speaker 1: France?
Speaker 2: That's it.
Speaker 1: I love France.
Speaker 2: This is funny, dude, it's the opposite.
Speaker 1: You hate it. France is good, Paris is amazing for you.
Speaker 2: It's built for women. Well do you think that it's
built by feminine men for women? That's who built it? Okay, fine,
Femi Parisians built that.
Speaker 1: Fine, But I know you like your masculine side. No,
you were like dark. You're a dark energy.
Speaker 2: So that's why Batman was my favorite.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you go to these places where you're like
I love this because Italy happily depressed.
Speaker 2: Here Italy depressing, Ireland depressing. Okay, if we're just talking Europe,
Germany depressing. No, those guys are great. What are you
talking about? They might try again, got bob w W three,
let's go three, Let's go three, baby.
Speaker 1: I'm to smotherings. They're still mad about the war. Go
there and there's just a stank beautiful okay, beautiful islands.
But you need a yacht. Do you have a yacht?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Because you can't go buy foot around grease. It's no good.
Speaker 2: You only see you're a boat girl. You're that girl.
You're looking for the guy with the boat. No, I
just like you're looking for a guy with a boat, dude.
And I'm comfortable where I am. I don't mind. I
don't mind to mind a rowboat, I don't mind around.
I'm a dinghy. You're a yacht girl. I'm a dingy boy.
Speaker 1: You're the dinghy boy. But you could be like the
dinghy from the Succession yacht where it's another yacht.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's another boat with that boat. Life is I
get it? Hot girls go on boats. Normal looking guys
like me. We're okay with the shore. Yeah, you're stay
on land?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Where we need.
Speaker 3: To go on a boat?
Speaker 1: The reflection of the sun on the water in your skin.
Speaker 2: I'm inside the uh parlor all day.
Speaker 1: Have you ever gotten a tan?
Speaker 2: Fuck you? No? No, I'm not allowed to. I don't
want one. How about that. I don't want to be
like you, guys. I don't want you. Guys are just
all doing brown face. That's all you're doing. You're trying
to be somebody else. I'm fine with.
Speaker 1: Me, Santino?
Speaker 2: Are you fine with me?
Speaker 1: The funniest picture ever I found a hang on a second.
Speaker 2: I saw a girl by the way on TikTok who
was so tanned. Every comment was like is this blackface?
Like she was unbelievably tanned. It was like, she's this
is this could get called out. This is there's some
professor at a at A at a HBCU that's like,
this has got to stop because she's handing too much,
too much. She looks insane. You're masquerading as another person
that's not you.
Speaker 3: Is it all self tannered? Are they back to the
tanning beds again?
Speaker 2: They're doing it all, brother, They're doing it all. They're
doing a real tan self tanned tann bed outside. They'll
they want all of it to transform who they are.
Speaker 1: Of me as a kid.
Speaker 2: You're in blackface. This is you and blackface. I hope
this leaks to the internet. My mom and you're throwing
up west side like tupac?
Speaker 3: What do you?
Speaker 2: What is? Are you supposed to be a cat?
Speaker 1: A gorilla?
Speaker 2: Let's move on? My god? And your mom painted your face?
What did you use makeup? Yeah, dude, throw that one away.
I'm lucky mine. We're all safe, and we grew up
in the same era. Mine were safe. I know, I
fund it.
Speaker 1: The other day I was like, what was my mom thinking?
This is sabotage?
Speaker 2: But back then, no one, Come on, she didn't know. Also,
that was sweet and innocent. How old were you there? Four?
Come on dude, yeah I was.
Speaker 1: Did you ever have any questionable Halloween costumes?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 3: I was.
Speaker 2: My mom made the first one I ever made in kindergarten.
Speaker 1: I was a milk carton bitch.
Speaker 2: I was Andy from Raggedy Ann and Andy. Oh, I
was Andy, and then I was Freddy Kruger. As I
got older, I loved then I was like an athlete.
Speaker 1: Oh, you were an athlete?
Speaker 3: I did it.
Speaker 2: I did just wore a jersey and.
Speaker 1: Now you're just a jersey chaser.
Speaker 2: Not anymore. Man, I don't like sleeping with athletes anymore
because every NBA player I ever hooked up with, it
was just they were always mean.
Speaker 1: They're so mean.
Speaker 2: You know who's really good after you hook up with them,
though they're really Baseball players are nice. They're not to me.
They are Okay, they leave you tickets, Yeah, baseball with
the in the in the action. Yeah, I'll take it.
Baseball players are that sleeper actually is Uh, Golfers are
super nice people because.
Speaker 1: They because they're nerds.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're all dorks. Yeah, they're like sweet and nerdy
dorks who are like genuinely nice guys. Most of the time.
There's a couple of ego driven guys, but that's only because.
Speaker 1: That's why you hang out with them.
Speaker 2: No, the Hollywood thing got to those guys. But the
dorks I love.
Speaker 1: Yeah, didn't a guy I know nothing about golf, but
didn't some guy Rory Scovell is that Almedian great Rory
something Roy McRoy didn't he just say he's not playing
in the United States anymore or something?
Speaker 2: No, well he's not from here, I know.
Speaker 1: But he got really mad at a golf tournament recently
and was like, you guys were super disrespectful.
Speaker 2: Well, in the Ryder Cup. What happens is we in
the Ryder Cup, we play USA versus Europe, and obviously
he represents Europe, and uh, they beat the shit out
of us here on our own soil. But he said,
like the United States, we're disrespectful when we go over there.
They're hooping in their holler and they're being rude too,
But like, United States is a different kind of rude.
Speaker 1: Right, right, we're like tailgators.
Speaker 2: Well we're the best. Yeah, we're the best of being mean. Yeah,
that's why we won everything.
Speaker 1: So we heard his feelings.
Speaker 2: Yeah he got a little butter. But here's the irony
about that guy. He lives in Jupiter, Florida. You're like, oh, okay,
you're United States.
Speaker 1: We're gonna be neighbors.
Speaker 2: You're moving to Jupiter. No, you're moving to Palm Beach.
Yeah that's about an hour and a half south close enough.
Palm Beach is nice. I can't believe you're gonna move
there when don't even leave it again January? Oh thank god,
I know you're gonna miss me? You are you know what, dude?
You go to Florida, you feel it out, you feel
out the retirement community.
Speaker 1: I think I'll probably go to Miami after like a
year or two.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I like Miami. Miami's great, Miami's cool. But also I
don't know if I can handle those the summers.
Speaker 3: Yeah, where are you gonna go?
Speaker 2: You gotta leave the Hampton's. You go up to Hampton's. Yeah,
you're Hampton's girl.
Speaker 1: It's a plan.
Speaker 2: We hung out for a second in the Hampton's when
I was out there, take a little trip, staying at
Timmy's house. Oh yeah, and you're at a birthday party.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then you came and left real quick.
Speaker 2: Didn't want to I didn't want to be there.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I don't like too many people. I don't like it.
I don't like a lot of people.
Speaker 1: It was a lot. And you're also this is it's
kind of your fault. I'll be honest, because you come
in and you say hello, and then you start conversations
with people and you don't like people.
Speaker 2: So it's like that's you're true, I don't like a
lot of people.
Speaker 1: You're hurting yourself. You could have just come in and
talked to me. You went and did the thing.
Speaker 2: You don't understand.
Speaker 1: You went did the thing.
Speaker 2: No, I can't go to someone else's house and not
talk to them and say hello and be cordial and nice.
It's their home. That's the Midwest.
Speaker 1: It was nobody's home. The girl's home.
Speaker 2: It was wasn't even Yes, she was the r Yes,
I did the lawyer.
Speaker 1: Okay, that's who it was.
Speaker 2: That girl was very nice. You have to be cordial
and do the thing.
Speaker 1: And then by the time you were done being cordially,
you had nothing in the tank left for me and
you left.
Speaker 2: Dude, I burn it out. I go to eat and
I go home. Yeah, I use I step on the gas,
I put it in sport and when I'm done, I'm out. Yeah,
that's the best. I don't want to linger. And also
when start coming, when it's groups start coming me and groups,
I just I get I get anxiety and I'm like,
I want to leave.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: My my five five is my number minutes. No, five humans,
five humans is my max in a room hanging outside
one it gets in six and seven. No, there's too
many rogues involved. Yeah, I don't know what one of
those sixes or sevens is going to bring to the table, right,
they're going to say something out of pocket. It's going
to annoy me.
Speaker 1: And then happened.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that happened, and then I leave.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then I see you later, see you later. Yeah.
Speaker 2: In the rental, I couldn't do it. And then I
went to Timmy's house and sat by myself in the
pool and it was amazing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you went underwater and took a big breath.
Speaker 2: I try to swallow. I try to kill myself in
Tim's house. Yeah, what a murder mystery. A redheaded naked
man in Tim Dillon's pool. That would have been rare.
That would have been awesome. I should have done that.
Speaker 1: It wouldn't have been a mystery. If it would have
been you, everyone would have been like, it's.
Speaker 2: Gotta be Santino. It's suicide. There's no other way around this.
He can swim. And I sat in his backyard in
the Hamptons. It was so nice. I do like it
out there. It's a little too fancy for my blood.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's everything I'm about to do. It is too
fancy for my blood.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I don't get off on that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, No, I actually no, I don't.
Speaker 2: You left Wisconsin in your of your mirror, You're look
at look at this place, dude, look at this look
nicenesses I know because.
Speaker 1: I like, I'm a taurust. I like a nice home.
Speaker 2: I don't. I can't do it.
Speaker 1: Can't you do have a nice home?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I can't. I want it. I want. I want
my house to be a place. I want my house
to be a house, not a home. This is a home.
I like a house because if at any point I
need to get out I want to be able to
leave and be like I don't care about that thing,
Like I don't want to attach to It's.
Speaker 1: A terrifying mentality.
Speaker 2: I'm on the go. Baby. My childhood when we moved
to the suburbs and the house that I grew up
in in my teen years into high school, it's a house.
Like if my parents sold it to I would have
no attachment.
Speaker 1: I understand that the house I grew up in was
a home, but then like my dad's house was a house,
you know, and then like once he got rid of it,
I had no feelings about it.
Speaker 2: And yeah, if they sell them, like I'm asked, I'm
I am trying to get that. Trying to get my
parents to leave, like they're gonna. I'm renting a house
for them in February and in Arizona, and I'm hoping
that they stay a long time. Dude, I want to
move there.
Speaker 1: So are you going to move there?
Speaker 2: I want to so bad?
Speaker 1: Sodona.
Speaker 2: No, No, Scott's Phoenix Metro.
Speaker 1: Phoenix Metro.
Speaker 2: I just want to. I just I like it out there.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can golf, their sunshine, you can get out,
you can hop on a JSX, go to your shows.
Speaker 2: She gets it. Yeah. And also I just like to
be it's you get to be out and about a
little bit more and up in the mountain or near
the mountain ranges of McDonald all. It's I don't know.
I e and phinnyk has went to school there, so
I love it. But I just want to get our normal.
Speaker 1: But it is the hottest women in the world and boys,
I mean the hottest people. I go there and I
want to kill myself. I go everywhere and I want
to kill myself.
Speaker 2: But they're really and how do I how do you
ignore that? Just go golfing every day and stay in
your house. That's all I want to do I want
to golf. My perfect day is wake up, play with
the dog, have coffee.
Speaker 1: Wrigley's your dog, right, Cubby, Cubby your mouth. My dog is.
Speaker 2: Your dog, Cobby is mine. And then play with the dog,
go golf, Go get a phenomenal dinner, bone my wife,
go to bed, and then start it all over again.
If I can do that every day. No, I can't
do that.
Speaker 1: Because you can't because you're mentally ill.
Speaker 2: Yes, you have to do, but I also have to
work and do shows and blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: You don't have to.
Speaker 2: You do.
Speaker 1: You're in a prison you created for yourself.
Speaker 2: It's kind of nice in there. Yeah, you know I've
got what is it? Is it? What is it called
Stockholm syndrome? I've created for my Yeah. I don't want
to leave my own logical visits with your wife with
myself more than the visit against Antino. Yeah, just me.
Can you close the door? I like the I don't know.
I could live at Scott I could do it, but
I'm renting them a house. I'm hoping it influences them
to get out of Chicago.
Speaker 1: So you want to rent them a house there, and
then eventually you'll also move there.
Speaker 2: I would like it. I don't think they're ever going to
leave Chicago. Nobody leaves the Midwest. It's like against the
law or something that's not true.
Speaker 3: I left, we left, my parents snowbirded in Arizona for
two years. Yeah, and then fully committed.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm trying, dude. I would I would love it, honestly.
But also like it's good for it's good for health
things for older people, right is dry heat, which is
really good for them, and my mom needs it. She's
got you know, she's got like an old like a
long thing from when she was a kid. So it's
like that's good for her. And then also, you know,
in the summers, you leave, go back to Chicago in
the summer, like go do the go putts around there
in the summer and have a great Midwest summer. And
then every other part of the year go to Arizona
or go here. But this is too expensive for them.
They don't want to.
Speaker 1: Yeah, my dad hates for everyone.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it sucks here this place.
Speaker 1: My dad hates La too. I'm starting to hate it.
And you know, when you're about to leave a place,
you start to realize all the shit you hate about it.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, it was the top things you hate right
now about la.
Speaker 1: I honestly hate the homeless.
Speaker 2: Problem right on, dude, fucking killing That's that's you. You've
always been a humanitarian. That's one thing I've always said
about you. You care about the people. Your empathy is through
the roof.
Speaker 1: No skid row, Like.
Speaker 2: When are you going down to skid row?
Speaker 1: You going down to But even Venice Beach is skid row.
Speaker 2: I don't go to Venis Beach.
Speaker 1: Well I do.
Speaker 2: That's why I said to her, I said, I live
in I stay in the valley. We got a couple
of homeless guys. I know them, Hi, Mike, Ki John.
They're watching for sure.
Speaker 1: I mean, listen, when I lived in Venice, I used
to have a guy on my front porch named Raven
and he cooked meth. But he was Raven and he
was cool.
Speaker 2: That's so that's so Raven.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: But honestly, but that's but the beach is a beach.
The beach is for tourists. That's not for Yeah, that's
not for us.
Speaker 1: Well, then why would you live here?
Speaker 2: If your valley is built for us, it's perfect the.
Speaker 1: Valley, But why would you live in a coastal city
if you're not going to go to the beach.
Speaker 2: I didn't move here for the beach. I didn't give
a shit about the ocean. I moved here because it's
seventy two all year round, and the business was here.
When I moved here, I couldn't care let the beach.
I've been in that water twice. It's repulsive. Like I
go surf every day, I'm like, it looks groat. I
don't want to be out there.
Speaker 1: And it's filled with seaweed.
Speaker 2: Yeah, if I want to go to a nice beach,
I'll go to Florida. Yeah, they have nice beaches, but.
Speaker 1: They're filled with sharks.
Speaker 2: Who cares?
Speaker 1: Who cares here?
Speaker 2: I mean how many people? I did a joke about it,
my special five a year, Big deal? Are you going
to be one of the five?
Speaker 1: Probably? Luck?
Speaker 2: How many people die? You're an elevator's probably five. You're
not gonna be one of those either, or planes. You're
not gonna be one of those. Don't worry about it.
And if it does happen, dude, dude, it worked.
Speaker 1: Yeah, let's go manifest.
Speaker 2: Get here.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, did you see that? Kim Jong un
just banned suicide.
Speaker 2: And texted me. He texted me, Yeah, sure you did.
Speaker 1: And if you attempt and fail, he'll be executed. Yeah
you should like that sounds great.
Speaker 2: Yeah, smart, sounds like assisted suicide. Hanging up your mess.
He banned suicide.
Speaker 1: He banned suicide.
Speaker 2: Someone told me that they just banned gay marriage again
in a in a European country, in like a western
European country, Italy. Oh they did it again, Italy. Those
are my dogs Italy. No, by by the way, that's
the gayest place, that's the gayest place. Yeah, they're so Yeah,
they're super good. It's such a repressed gay country. Yeah,
they're all grabby. They're also grabby and horny. So great,
so gray and horny, dude dressed and very well dressed.
So they're not allowed to be getting gay marriage there. Huh.
I actually don't know if that's true. I do think
that is.
Speaker 1: I think it is true.
Speaker 2: I also saw that. I think Italy.
Speaker 3: The Supreme courts also being asked now as of August eleventh,
in our country to flip it.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, but is it true about Italy.
Speaker 2: I know that they did.
Speaker 1: They approved chemical castration for rapists, which.
Speaker 2: Was in Italy. Yeah, rock on.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was honestly, I think smart?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Why not?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah? How do they do it? They burn it off
with something?
Speaker 1: But it sounds like it. But I don't know, you know,
I did read.
Speaker 2: I didn't trace the episode, like they pour chemicals on
it or something. Is it Italy that did it?
Speaker 3: They banned them from having children through surrogacy.
Speaker 2: Oh that's what it is. Okay, that's what it was.
Gay couples can't have adopt kids and sarrogates anymore. They
can't adopt and they can't have sarrogacy anymore. Yeah Italy, Yeah,
making progress? Who can't? Who gives a shit? Unbelievable, that's
but that's why.
Speaker 1: But I feel like I don't know, I shouldn't have
kids either.
Speaker 2: What I think you'd be a good mom, no Ice.
Speaker 1: I think here's the thing, my eggs are on Ice.
Speaker 2: But I don't think.
Speaker 1: I think you have to be able to like lie
enough to protect them. Like I was talking, this is
a perfect example. My gay friends have a young girl
and she was like, why are you in comedy? And
I was like, because my mom didn't love me. And
she was just like, what does that mean? And I
was like you'll find out soon enough, you know. And
then she just well, that's what That was the point.
That was the point I was trying to get across
to a seven year old.
Speaker 2: He's like, my daddy's both love me exactly. And I said,
but what about mommy. Mommy's not around, Mommy's not where's mommy?
A little girl needs her father. That's it.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, my mom's my she's my g Yeah, I would
do anything for Yeah, but your dad it's like yours. Guys. Yeah,
you reach a certain age, you're like bello, man, you're
a man.
Speaker 1: What was the moment in your life when you realize
that your parents weren't as strong as you thought they were?
M Because like you know, when you're a kid, you're like,
oh my god, they're so strong, they're so smart. They're
my parents. They're great. And then something happens and you're like.
Speaker 2: I think, well my dad had cancer. That does yeah,
well you went there, Well my dad got cancer. I
was like, oh right, aren't these people going to live forever?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: I think that's what you think. And then you grow
up in you're like yeah, and then you kind of
have to like parent your parents. Then they want you
to do stuff for them and take care of him,
and which is fine. I just mean, like the expectations
are higher. Also, I feel like I do it naturally,
Like I'm the one that's like I'm renting the house
in Arizona. Yeah, because you won't do it, or he'll
complain the whole time about the Yeah, he's like, that's
so expensive. It's like, yeah, but you need it. Yeah,
this isn't gonna be. Also, I took my parents to
Italy last year, dump, this year, this year, this year,
twenty twenty five, and the whole time my dad complained
about everything. It's unbelievable. Yeah, couldn't stop complaining. That's about
literally everything. And it kept being like, last trip, this
will be the last vacation we take. I'm like, good god, dude,
that's so dark. He's like, is it We're dying after this, dude.
I was like, we'll soak it up. On the third day,
He's like, can we get something besides Italian food? I
was like, yeah, sure, let's get Chinese country. We'll get
Chinese in Italy. Yeah, we did.
Speaker 1: We'll take the train to London and go get some
Indian food there.
Speaker 3: It is there, it is.
Speaker 2: It's London dump. London is a dump. London Central London stinks.
It's just not this, It's just not It's not what
you want it to be. Where's Pip Pip cheerioh?
Speaker 1: Where is Pip Pip Cheerio? Happened to pick cheriod? It's
a country without salt.
Speaker 2: I love it They're like, we have a we have
a culinary new wave in London because they've got a
bunch of chefs from all over the world. But they're
all French chefs anyway, so it's not your fucking food.
It's all French food.
Speaker 1: All they eat French food is great. I would rather
eat a stick of butter than anything.
Speaker 2: You haven't eaten butter in two years.
Speaker 1: That's not true. I just eat butter all the time.
Speaker 2: What do you do? No, your diet's crazy. When we
went last time we went out to eat, you you
packishly picked. I got pizza, pasta, all this stuff, and
you had I think you had like an art of choke.
Speaker 1: Well, first of all, I think you maybe invited me
at like eleven pm.
Speaker 2: First of all, it was eight thirty. That's not that
late for dinner. Were comics E late? Not I'm quitting,
get out of here. We eat late.
Speaker 1: I know you eat late. I don't eat late. I
had already eaten dinner.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you use that any swing. If we go to Swingers,
no at soho If we go to Swingers, never eat
and I eat no.
Speaker 1: Well, Swingers is different because you're hungry after a set
and I'm just having to meet up and chat.
Speaker 2: I know, but I don't get it, so I definitely ate. No,
you didn't, Yes, I did know you didn't.
Speaker 1: Maybe I was on GLP ones. Can you can you
respect my fucking journeys?
Speaker 2: You're a gov kicking in full here? Yeah? No, I ate,
and you didn't? You you you peckishly picked that stuff,
which drives me bananas. We said we were going.
Speaker 1: To eat and I was on GLP ones. I don't
know how to drive it home that. I haven't had
an appetite since you because I want to be skinny
and I don't want to what card You're already skinny?
Speaker 2: What do you weigh right now? What do you need?
That's nothing? That's it. I'm good to stop.
Speaker 1: I stopped. Do you want to go to dinner after that?
Speaker 3: Let's go?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: You won't eat?
Speaker 1: Yes I will. I'm hungry. I haven't eaten, but I'm
usually a buck fifty.
Speaker 2: No, I've never seen you a buck five.
Speaker 1: You've seen me a buck sixty. I just told it.
I hold it like Midwest.
Speaker 2: You hide it, you hide hold it, I.
Speaker 1: Hide hold it.
Speaker 2: It distributes well, but bigger than I've ever been. I
was one sixty last January you want really was, and
that's why you started going on that stuff. Yeah, that
stuffs so unhealthy, man, is it? It's got to be.
There's no way it's help. There's no chance this miracle
drug isn't going to come back to bite us.
Speaker 1: And all I want is to be bit. All I
want is.
Speaker 2: To get the You keep this up, you're gonna get bit.
You're gonna get You're gonna get bit by the wrong
the wrong vampire. I'm gonna bite you, dude. Oh you
got well, you know, Massie. You'll see what happens in Florida.
You're going out of Florida. Your whole life's gonna change.
Speaker 1: Do you think so?
Speaker 2: Everyone I know the move to Florida, They their their
lives are very different. Now in what way your lifestyle
changes in Florida? You become a Florida person. There's an
attitude shift that happens to Floridians. It's very strange.
Speaker 1: What is it?
Speaker 2: I cannot wait to call you in a year and
see what you're up to.
Speaker 1: Are you gonna wait a year to call me?
Speaker 2: No? But I will, But the year will be the
gauge over like what you're up to?
Speaker 1: Now, Okay, what do you think is gonna change. I'm curious.
Speaker 2: You'll become a little You'll become a little countier. Yeah,
you have more of an attitude, especially if you move
to Miami.
Speaker 1: Yeah no, I'm going to West Palm Beach first.
Speaker 2: But West Palm's all that stuff, is all show. Florida's show.
But I'm not that person.
Speaker 1: And if I was going to change in that way,
I would have changed in LA because La is a
very showy place to.
Speaker 2: La humbles you. Miami you can get away West you
can get away with murder out there. Literally, they don't
prosecute you can do whatever you want down there. No, seriously,
LA humbles you because no matter how good or cool
or whatever people think they have, someone else has way better.
This place is like an endless pit.
Speaker 1: But that is what LA is too.
Speaker 2: Yeah, It's an endless pit of people want more and
more and more and more.
Speaker 1: Right, And you're saying.
Speaker 2: Florida is Florida is like everybody flaunts.
Speaker 1: But not me. I'm not going to change in that way.
Speaker 2: I'm like a big age.
Speaker 1: I'm old.
Speaker 2: We'll see, Okay, I just ain't you got a young
boy toy. So it says it that he's going to
shape the way you live too. You're gonna be young,
You're gonna be young again again. No, you will be
with him for sure, because you'll be doing young people shit.
You'll be going out all the time. No, you're not
gonna be a homebody. You're not moving to West going
to be a homebody with a boyfriend who's sub thirty.
Speaker 1: First of all, I don't call him sub thirty.
Speaker 2: He's sub thirty. Is he not a sub thirty?
Speaker 1: He is a sub thirty.
Speaker 2: Well, that's where I happened at sub thirty. And what
are you fifty six? Hold you know?
Speaker 1: Yeah, Andrew, I'm sub sixty.
Speaker 2: You're sub sixty. Yeah, I'm sub sixty. I'm post forty
now I feel posts. He knows the Midwest post forty
post for dude, all my friends at forty one. I
think I have a friend that's a grandfather already.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that happened.
Speaker 2: Crazy, that'll happen because his kids.
Speaker 1: He had a slutty kid.
Speaker 2: He had a kid, who had a kid. She had
a kid of sixteen. That's Midwest. That's fine, that's very normal,
form not normal.
Speaker 3: Every eighth grade class has had a baby.
Speaker 2: At least one. I remember I was going about to
say the name out loud, and I just held my tongue.
I was like, don't say that, girl.
Speaker 1: But I read somewhere recently that male virginity rate, like
for young men, is on the rise, like guys are not.
Speaker 2: Well, there's more incel there's more in cels now. Yeah,
because the Internet makes it possible. You don't have to leave.
They've got these incredible realistic machines that people have sex
with now, so why would they.
Speaker 1: Need to kids afford machines?
Speaker 2: Mommy and daddy buy it, kids dont can't can't afford anything, dude,
I don't know if you know about the real world,
No one out there can afford anything right now.
Speaker 1: I know it's just everyone's first of all, what do
you mean? And of course I know about the real world.
Speaker 2: Out there, people don't pay for anything. I don't know.
I think most young people are being supplemented by their
parents because they can't afford anything, because.
Speaker 1: They can't get chops.
Speaker 2: I know. So it's fun.
Speaker 1: It's gonna get worse because AI is going to take
them all.
Speaker 2: I know. That's why I need to move to the desert,
to the middle of nowhere and just golf and be
left alone till I die. Okay, that's all I really want.
Can't it just happen?
Speaker 1: You literally can't.
Speaker 2: I want it.
Speaker 1: You just have to do it.
Speaker 2: No, but I got to move Bob out there, and
he won't move.
Speaker 1: Bob should move.
Speaker 2: We talked about it actually on the pod just literally
two days ago. It's time for Well, his mom lives
in Arizona, So.
Speaker 1: Dude, a little shame Bobby mom.
Speaker 2: I'm Bobby Mom in Arizona. Imagine me and her hanging
out everything that I'd be Actually, i'd become cross eyed
just because I hang out with her too much. She's
the best. But I think he's your cart girl. Yeah, dude,
you don't want her behind the wheel of a golf
cart or a car or anything. And that's not because
she's Asian. She's old, because she's cross eyed. She's because
she's old Asian, cross eyed. She's the best. We love
Bobby's mom, But no, he would might he might go
out there. I don't know. I have no idea what
is in La for anyone? Great food, great food, some
of the best food. Okay, uh, comfort, It is really
comfortable here. It is nice to walk your walk your
dog in the morning in the sunshine, like it's kind
of it's just comfortable.
Speaker 1: But there's sunshine in Arizona too. Is there good food there?
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's good is decent. It's not like here. This
place is this place has all those things. Mecca, it's
like La and New York have them, have like the
coolest new food. Chicago has the best unhealthy food.
Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2: That deep day that you told me to get Fox Wait,
where did we go? Where did you go? Where'd you go?
Speaker 1: But I don't know you recommended it?
Speaker 2: I texted you so many places I know.
Speaker 1: But the deep Dish pizza.
Speaker 3: That you're illuminatis, Giordana's sea quads.
Speaker 2: Put oh you with to pea quads? Yeah, pea quads
is great. Peaquads is great.
Speaker 1: The day after my special, we just got a deep
dish and ate it in bed, like so good.
Speaker 2: I love that. I don't eat healthy when I'm at home,
there's no need for it. But Chicago has the best
unhealthy food. And Florida has the best chain restaurants. That's change.
That's chain city down there, dude. I think all the
restaurants that close down everywhere else. They're in Florida, like
claim Jumper is probably still down there.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but is that good? I don't think that's good.
Speaker 2: It's good enough. Yeah, it's good enough for retirees, yeah,
because they're not spending crazy money on food anymore. My
dad I noticed that now more and more he talks
about the prices. He's like, or a fixed income or
in a fixed income. He says that all the time.
I'm like, it's not I'm not asking you to go
to Michelin restaurants. I'm saying, let's just go to a
regular restaurant, right, But I do get it. As they
get older, he's gotten more fickle about the prices, and
he'll say, shit, He'll be like, what's a tough.
Speaker 1: Thing, because to get tighter while prices go up is
a tough place to be in.
Speaker 2: Well, that's because when they're retired, what do they I mean,
they don't there's no more money coming in.
Speaker 1: I know.
Speaker 2: So I get the scare of my dad, but he's
got it. They've got an okay savings and.
Speaker 1: They can rob you at gunpoint.
Speaker 2: I told them I'll give them whatever they want, but
they would never accept a dime from me. We're both
stubborn like that. I didn't take a dime from my parents,
and they would never take a dime from me. Yeah,
like i'd have to never offered a dime. Well neither
was I. But I mean it was never like a
There was no conversation of when you moved to LA,
if you need help. It was never that. It was
always unspoken like yeah, no, you need to No.
Speaker 1: My dad was like, you better not fuck up when
you moved to LA. And then I immediately got a
dui and went, did.
Speaker 2: You fucked up? But that helped you? It was just
the best thing that happened. And then when I moved here,
it was like, if you slip and if shit gets
real hard, move home and you can live in the
basement until you get a job and then move out.
It's not we'll give you money, it was will make
sure you're not homeless. Then you'll just go. You have
to go get a job. You have to go get
a job at Pequa's. And I would love to be
hired by them. You kidding me, but but that was
always my thing. But now I have to sneak them
stuff like this, like I'll rent the house, I'll pay
for the house or I'll pay for the flights, because
giving them physical money would drive my dad nuts. He
would he would piss him off. But I can do that,
like I bought my mom a car. I can do that,
but I can't give them cash my dad. I think
my dad would be like off emasculated, just offended as
a man, like you don't, you don't, you don't do that.
I take care of my family. But it's that's just
a Midwest thing. I don't think that. I think there's
plenty of places where people don't think that way, where
they're like, fuck, I'll take your money, give me your money.
We have friends, I'm not saying names. We have friends
that support their entire families based on their careers, like
their parents and their cousins or their yes, crazy, I mean,
that's heavy, heavy load. I know some people that have
big nuts every month because they're supporting every a sister,
a dad, you know whatever. I'm not getting yea.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I know. I mean, but that happens a
lot with athletes too, where they'll make money finally and
then they support everyone and that's why they go broke.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the saddest shit. Run out of she's fifteen
people around them, and you're like, oh dude, all these
guys got a hotel, they're eating every day, they're your flight,
they're on your yeah, and they expect you pay. Yeah,
like you you pay, You got the money man. Yeah,
I mean that happens to so many guys. It's like
the saddest shit. That's why when I see athletes that
are loners, I'm like, that guy's the man. He's gonna
be rich forever. Yeah, there's no one around like one
friend or like one girlfriend or one human around them.
That's the move, dude.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I've seen some some really shitty stories of people having
huge entourages and then you know, you hear to the
grape frind and they're like, you know, he's got he's
like broke, broke, broke, broke, broke, and he made eighty
million dollars.
Speaker 1: That guy just filed say it.
Speaker 3: Football player Odell Beckham Junior.
Speaker 1: No, he's not broke.
Speaker 3: He was just talking about it. So he had a
big thing go viral of him saying eighty million dollars
isn't enough to live a lifetime on. Oh yeah, which
does sound a little crazy, a.
Speaker 2: Little What do you mean that's fucking.
Speaker 1: Antonio Brown.
Speaker 2: Well, AB's in a lot of trouble because he's been
all over the place. What do you mean, well he did.
He just got indicted, right, didn't you just get like.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, he's probably got legal money coming off of him.
Speaker 2: Yeah, what he got indicted on, like a trafficking charge
or something or whatever. They had to extradite him from
another country.
Speaker 1: Roster Brittany and the best fall down sometimes.
Speaker 2: Even the greatest. No, But the problem is a lot
of these guys also like athletes, not my roster. Is
he No?
Speaker 1: And I would tell you, Andrew, I would tell.
Speaker 2: You, but but you DM no. Okay.
Speaker 1: He didn't even get on my radar until like recently,
until he was on Theo's podcast. I didn't know who
he's a man.
Speaker 3: He's he's allegedly shot into a Miami crowd and he
could face up to twenty years if found guilty.
Speaker 2: Can't do that.
Speaker 1: He shot a gun, champagne, but he didn't shoot.
Speaker 2: He didn't shoot. Compliments that people fucking you can't shoot
that people did Number one far that's the life lesson. Yeah,
that's not anymore Chicago, listen up, stop shooting on people.
My god, when I was home, seven people got popped
outside of the Chicago Theater in front of the Chicago Theater.
Speaker 1: That's crazy.
Speaker 2: And then at the same time, two kids died on
the West Side, I think the same day. Chicago is
just that's a bummer to me. It's my home and
I love it so much. But I'm like, what's the deal.
You guys can't say it's the south side. No, it's everywhere, now, dude,
it is. It's all over the place. I mean it's look,
it's concentrated much more on you know, South and Southwest,
but it sneaks up Chicago theaters in the heart of
the city. Yeah, I mean, that's crazy that kids get
popped there, just like standing outside. That's insane.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Was it a drive by?
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was a bunch of teenagers too. It was
like fourteen to fifteen. That's the worst part. If somebody
gets shot in their sixty or like whatever.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there shoot kids.
Speaker 2: Man's kids, shoot an adult. Yeah, that's how I feel
about cancer. We're all going to get it. If you
get it when you're old, you're like, oh.
Speaker 1: Don't say we're there. No we're not.
Speaker 2: Yeah we are, No, we're not. Yeah, we are under
stuff Dow we processed foods. No, yes, you do.
Speaker 3: See a little vape bar sitting over that.
Speaker 2: Yeah that thing. Yeah, come on, we're getting it, mister Fogg. Yeah,
is that what it's called? Come on, imagine that's on
your death report. Mister too many, mister, let me see that.
These things are so gross and stupid. And it's got
and now they've got like it's got, it's got a
screen on it. I know soon they'll just make this
a phone. Why don't they make these phones so.
Speaker 1: You can I'm in a dark place right now. I
don't want to talk about that. In fact, I'm vaping.
Speaker 2: What's it? Why?
Speaker 1: I don't know, because I don't like that I'm vaping.
Speaker 2: Got you charge it this with a USBC like your phone.
Just make this a phone, doctor Fogg. Mister Fogg, go
to med school, become doctor Fogg, and just make this
a phone. Dude, Get a PhD, mister Fogg.
Speaker 3: iPhone eighteen. You can play a card in.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Steve Jobs does one of He's like in the
newest invention ever. They phone the holograp job They all
they should.
Speaker 1: The vape in the hologram appears it's job sick.
Speaker 2: That's pretty should get into marketing. They are going to
start making him do those keynote speeches again because the
other guy that does it stinks.
Speaker 1: Tim Cook.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's not entertaining at all. So you gotta get
you got to get the jeens tucked into bad. They
will hologram him and make him come back.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Have you ever to how we Mandel's place his studio, No,
his recording studio. He invites a lot of people up
go up there because he's got one of the original
hologram things, like he's got one of those in his
it's a Tupac your studio. He can put anybody in there,
but he does his. It's incredible. It's the wildest shit
I think I've ever seen in my life. It like
scares this. You're like, that's a person right there. Yeah,
it's it's not, but yes, it is it. I hated it, dude.
It's it's the future. For sure. They're gonna hologram you.
Speaker 1: They're gonna be Yeah, I'm not important enough, they'll hologram you.
Speaker 2: Okay me yeah, no, but they will. They'll sell you
as like a for less your rate, so you don't
have to fly there. It'll be half your rate. Can
we just hologram you in. I'm sure they're gonna do that, Yeah,
because they're gonna be like you can be doing three
shows in one night, three different locations. That's fucked up.
I don't think one hundred percent think so. I don't
think so, dude, It's coming. The wave is here, Okay,
holograms will take over for real people.
Speaker 1: What I will say is when I went on this
trip to Italy and I was like, this is a dump.
Speaker 2: I hate it.
Speaker 1: Get me out of here. I really understood. I really
understood the VR headsets and like just sitting on your
couch going to Venice, Italy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was like that. I get. And they'll put
a thing where you can smell it. You can feel it. Yeah,
they're gonna make it come to you.
Speaker 1: You can smell the ship water that's sinking the city,
you can feel the Russian tour.
Speaker 2: I hate that you don't like it. It's such a
great place.
Speaker 1: I think I just did it wrong.
Speaker 2: I'll go back on. Milan is fun, but it's cool.
Rome is too populous. Don't go there. Rome's too much.
I mean, go there once for people. Go see the college.
It's been there, and then don't ever go again. Yeah,
then go down to Tuscany, go to Chinkotara, go to
and then go way south, go to go to Chinkota, Chinquiteia.
Chinquitara is a region, it's a big region. It's it's Tuscany.
EA's by Tuscan. It's on the western coast. But it's
it's incredible. It's like, that's that's where Italian marble is from.
And then you go on these beautiful, little like mountainous tours.
What do you mean look around?
Speaker 1: I don't have it in here?
Speaker 2: Well he should, you really should. What is that made
out of? Definitely, that's got to be marble. That's got
to be marble. But it's not Italian, no knowing you
was probably French. It's gayer somehow, French, Mama table. I
just think that they're wonderful people, but the language is
just so diminutive. It's so rude French. Yeah, they talk
to you like they're annoyed with you. Well they are you,
and I kind of like it, and they kind of
like that. They're so cock sure and they're so confident
and what are they got to be proud? Of you.
You know what happened in World War Two? You're welcome.
What do you got to be so amped on France
because they restored, they kept their city intact by render
because of us. I don't help them.
Speaker 1: I know.
Speaker 2: Okay, you're welcome France once again. When they complained about America,
You're like, we did this. You'd be speaking fucking German
if it wasn't for US expreca ambition Deutsche, Yeah, expects
to Deutsch.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah wow.
Speaker 2: Niclosa swonsa yes, you do. You know what I said?
Speaker 3: Not a clue.
Speaker 2: I have a big penis I have a big dick.
That's not true, It's not true. Client is Swansaina say, Alina,
very small? How did you take German? What did you take? Take?
Speaker 1: Seven years of Germany and high school? Yeah? Yeah, and
then I went to Germany and I was so excited
to use my German and I spoke German to this
German person and they responded, what part of America are
you from?
Speaker 2: They know right away, yeah they can, but you look American.
I know, we look when we go anywhere, immediately they
go boom American. Sometimes they can guess they're.
Speaker 3: Like the size outside of the state.
Speaker 2: Now you're full grown. You're full grown.
Speaker 1: We're corn fed.
Speaker 2: They can see us and they immediately just know. We'll
also our demeanor, the way we walk. I noticed that
in Europe our gate is different. Americans walk fast and true.
Europeans kind of song. They kind of like moved through.
Unless you're in a really heavy city of like busy,
busy city. Most Europeans just they walk a little bit different.
We're on the fucking go. You always see it American,
We're like, I'm getting.
Speaker 1: They walk infuriates me.
Speaker 2: Yoking a cigarette, drinking and espresso. But that can move.
But that's why they live longer than us, because they're
taking it easy. Man. But I don't care who is
the time? The time? This is where I'm moving. I
like to get to the I want to go. I'm
very much. If I said I'm gonna do it, I'm
gonna go do it. They're kind of like, yeah, maybe
if we want, we can figure it out.
Speaker 1: If we make it that way.
Speaker 2: It's too las fair. You don't speak French, though, no,
you should. You love it so much, go learn French?
And you what do you mean?
Speaker 1: I can't do the whole?
Speaker 2: What is it called a lingo. Yeah, what's the other
one that everybody likes? It's it's really popular. Now it's
not due a lingo, it's there's a new one that's like,
they teach you faster, apparently.
Speaker 1: I just I don't know if I can be taught.
I think my brain has like metastasized.
Speaker 2: You think you're done, You're done through a fossil. Yeah,
you kind of are, no Britosaurus, Relax, you think you're done.
That's why I'm leaving LA because I'm a fucking artifact,
a thousand years old.
Speaker 1: Literally, they're gonna have to put me in a fucking museum.
Speaker 2: Every young girl is like, are you okay? How old
are you?
Speaker 1: Are you?
Speaker 2: How old are you are you? Is that your dad?
That's your dad? Hi? Are you here to pick up somebody?
When I go to a restaurant? Now? Are you here
to pick up somebody?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Some chaperoning? Y Yeah, I think that. But I give
I don't care. I give up. That's why I like
the valley. It has all the nice restaurants.
Speaker 1: It has all the energy of someone who gave up.
Speaker 2: Yeah it's the best, dude, it's the and I did
give up. I'm not playing this game in the streets.
I'm going to new shows and then I'm going home.
Speaker 1: You are working harder than anyone I know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but that's it in the in the b in
my business. But outside of it, I don't want to
do the LA go to a popular spot. Fuck that, dude. Yeah,
wait in a line, Get fucked.
Speaker 1: Fucking miss me. I never waited in a line in
my life. Why don't I start now?
Speaker 2: You know there's a great pizza place called Apollonios that's
down there on Wilshire. Do you know that place?
Speaker 1: Now?
Speaker 2: They're up their own ass, but it is phenomenal, but
they like, you know, it's like when we run out,
we close, you know what I mean. It's like, fuck you.
The Midwest would never Chicago would be like, dude, we're
getting more. They they when they're done their clan and
they're open for like three hours or whatever. And it's
phenomenal pizza. It's great, but there's always lines all this shit.
It's just such a tug job. And LA does that.
I'm not saying it's their fault. LA does it, and
it makes them do this thing where it's like we're
we're bespoke. It's like fuck you.
Speaker 3: Even sneaker drops with pizza.
Speaker 2: It's cheese and bread. Get fucked, Like, just give get more,
go get more, and stay open late. Go get more
cheese and bread and stay open late. Don't play this game.
That's like, well, when we run out, we're closed because
that's what Europeans do. But that's not who we are.
We stay open late, we do more than expected, we'd
over deliver. That's America.
Speaker 1: That's America.
Speaker 2: That's fucking America, America, America.
Speaker 1: That is the energy that I re entered this country with.
After this trip. Yeah, I was like, God, bless America.
Speaker 2: God bless America. Kiss the ground every time I come back,
I kiss the border. I patrol agent every time I
come back, right on the mouth. I can't believe. So
you're going to start working for Ice? You said, yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean it's the only it's the next down there
in Florida.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, it's so funny. If you became an Ice agent,
that'd be so fucking funny. But you have to get
all dialed up before you go do it. You're like,
I'm not gonna wear a mask. I want people see
how could have done my hair. I want to see
the people I deport to see what I look like.
I mean, my hair looks good.
Speaker 1: I want them to have one last great experience with
an America.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what you'll do down in Florida. Are you
really going to open that? You talking about it?
Speaker 1: Talking about?
Speaker 2: What are you opening up a thing down there? Opening up?
What are you open uping a business down there?
Speaker 1: I'm not my boyfriend, but together? No, no, not together.
Speaker 2: No, he's that's his. Oh that's totally you're not going
to be doing anything.
Speaker 1: No, what it's it's a Bangel company.
Speaker 3: I know.
Speaker 2: But don't you want you work there or help?
Speaker 1: What? What are you talking about? You think it would
have worked? Behind it Rochester?
Speaker 2: But that's your partner.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I'm not. My service industry days are behind me.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, to deny, you're not. I don't like that.
Whatever that is is bullshit. This is your dog, this
is your homie, This is your guy. He's the guy
that pumps you help him out. Get behind there and
clean up, put on an apron, tie up that hair,
and put in some work. No, do you want the
business to work or not? Then get the fuck back
there and help out.
Speaker 1: No, I don't really of course I wanted to be successful,
but I'm not going to put one ounce of my
own energy into it.
Speaker 3: Dude, you're doing a tight twenty on Thursday nights. Yeah,
at the bagel joint.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you guys are.
Speaker 1: There's going to be a stage.
Speaker 2: This relationship is going to work out because you're not
going to be there because I would need someone. I'd
be like, you're helping me. Fuck that, we're doing this together.
Speaker 1: It's you go. But if it's your journey, why would
you want me to encroach on it?
Speaker 2: I want you on the journey. I'd want you.
Speaker 1: But I have tried to help him and he's like,
you're stepping on my toes.
Speaker 2: So I'm like, oh, well, if he doesn't want your help,
that's one thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's just you know, he's doing his own thing
because you know.
Speaker 2: I respect that. That's fine. Yeah, I mean we're going
to open up something. We have a something brewing, yeah,
and thinking about doing a little Uh. I'm dead serious,
I want to do I went to this boutique hotel.
I went to Westchester, PA to go film something m
HM and I stayed in this hotel that was like
mom and poppy, like a bed and breakfast, but not
now no breakfast. They don't do that anymore. But now
it's like it's turnkey and it's code, so nobody works there,
so they text you all the information. I stayed at
one of these in Santa Barbara. Great, no one's there
to bother you. If you need anything, you text a
number that's twenty four hour service. So if you're like, hey, man,
toilet broke, whatever, they come. And I fucking loved it,
and I thought this place is so cool. And then
outside on the patio there was cats, like local cats
that were like roaming around. And I'm a dog person,
but I was like, oh, look at that literally fucking cats,
and I said, I said to my wife, I was like,
you know, be sick, dude, because we always joked about
opening up like a cool rad little like like hotel,
like buying an old house and making it a hotel
like that. And I was like, what we should do
is make the place also a like a dog shelter
and then if you want to adopt the dog at
the end of your stay, take it home. And so
it's like a mini foster trip. And I bet you
there's enough dog people that'd be like I want to
go stay at that dog hotel where the dog's just
kind of roam free, coming and going. And if you
want to take one home, take one home.
Speaker 1: You got to get pretty insane insurance because that's going
to go south.
Speaker 2: That's fine, Who cares? Fuck it? Life short. How about
I might as well try something fun like that and
fail miserably, then not have tried it at all.
Speaker 1: Where would you do it?
Speaker 2: I'd like to think of the Midwest. Somewhere like somewhere
in the Midwest, it'd be cheaper to do it, and
somewhere like Scanie, Scannie would be cheaper to do Yeah,
somewhere like by yeah, somewhere by water up there, somewhere
by Lake Minnesota. Although it be tough, be tough in
the winters.
Speaker 3: Yeah, southern Illinois. It doesn't snow, it doesn't snow.
Speaker 2: But you've got to be amongst Southern Illinois people.
Speaker 3: Touche.
Speaker 2: That's a different world down there, dude. Once you go
down there, dude, there's a part of Illinois you get
to and it's like you're like, holy shit, dude, this
is not the Midwest. That's the South, dude. That is Yeah,
it is so funny. You're like, that's still the Midwest,
But no, it's not. But it touches, doesn't it touch
the type of Illinois touches Tennessee, right or Kentucky.
Speaker 3: No, Tennessee, Tennessee.
Speaker 2: Yeah right, that's the South, my dude. Like, you go
down there, you're like, holy shit. The first time I
went to southern Illinois for like a football game or something,
in my mind, I thought it was going to be
just like us.
Speaker 3: No, dude, I feel like you would have partied at Carbondale.
Speaker 2: It's southern Illinois. I had a little fun down there. Yeah,
but I mean it is a different culture. The surrounding
area is not Illinois in what we like Northern Illinois.
Central Illinois even gets a little farmy. But then when
you get up to like northern Illinois, like border Wisconsin,
it kind of all still feels like Midwest people, farmy people.
But midw still Chicago, We still with Milwaukee, e Wisconsiny.
You go down south, dude, you're like, this is fucking Alabama.
Like it's a different It's just I don't know, and
there's and and I love it. It's just it's the sounds. Well,
it's the South. It's just the South. It's a very
different culture. We're not Southern people. We're not We're fucking Yankees.
Yanke We're Yankees. Dog fucking yeah, we freed the slaves.
Take that the South. In the South is like, that's
not funny, dude, we don't. We don't. Even the South
treats slavery jokes the way that Germany treats Holocaust jokes
like they fucking They get so mad about it, like well,
you know, it's like you did it. Yeah, they get
so offended. They're like, well, well wait a minute, but you
do know, you do know that some areas of the
South have some of the most successful black family Like
they'll spout out one of the You're like, dude, I'm
just joking around. Relax like I did.
Speaker 1: Don't with the Snapple facts.
Speaker 2: Is that from a laffy taffy. I did a show
in the South. I was in Huntsville, Alabama. You do
a gig have you ever done that? When you do
Zanies and Nashville? You can do a one nighter down
in Huntsville and Huntsville is fucking that's that is. And
I made a couple of jokes on stage about it,
and a woman afterwards talk was doing that thing to me. Yeah,
you know we're quite progressive now, that's not really And
I was like, it's just a comedy joke, man, Yeah,
we have to make fun of the things that happened.
That's the whole that's literally my job. But also on
the way down, the driver drove me from Nashville and
was like, uh, he's like, you know Huntsville, you know,
NASA is down here. He's like, that's it, gonna be
at your show a bunch of nerds. And I was like, really,
he's like gonna be a whole bunch of fucking nerds
at this show. But trust me, I know when comedians
like you come down, he's gonna be a bunch of
dorks from NASA. He was right. It was like mostly
engineers that work at NASA because that NASA's center down there.
They have like a campus there. And then he was like,
you know, not too far down the road is one
of the biggest KKK areas too. I was like, well,
that's a wonderful blend of two words that still exists.
That's nice. I said to the NASA guys. Ever, that
two people that are totally in space, two people that
are mentally in space. But you are a KKK member
for a while. Why'd you quit? You know, too much
dry cleaning? Yeah, that's why somebody too much. You better
get that soa sauce out of our fridge rider. Only
American married products going to be in here, buddy. It's
funny to have a debate in the KKK over what
they're allowed to eat and drink. You know, no, no,
no Chinese. Y'all want to get Chinese tonight. Everyone's like, oh,
put some ketchu about it. Put some ketchen boneer's gonna
be that American eyes a Chinese food. Yeah, it's fine
if you put ketch a bone, Jimmy, don't worry about it.
I do rule. I do love the South. I should
say that they are good, that there are some wonderful parts,
but we're just kidding.
Speaker 1: Name one.
Speaker 2: I love North Carolina. Love South Carolina.
Speaker 1: Oh, I love South Carolina.
Speaker 2: The Carolina are both great. I actually love Tennessee. Tennessee's
fucking phenomenal.
Speaker 1: The Carolinas are great.
Speaker 2: Kentucky, Kentucky has Louisville is is cool. There's parts of
Kentucky that I really really like. Uh, West Virginia and
I are not friends. I got nothing to do with them. Yeah. No,
West Virginia's kinda not for me.
Speaker 1: We can get rid of it.
Speaker 2: It's just I don't get it. I don't understand it.
Yeah I don't. I really don't. Every time I've ever
like played or gone through when I was doing college runs,
I was always like, what is it? Yeah, dude, I
did a lot when I first started touring, and I couldn't.
I couldn't get booked at like full headliner clubs I
would do. Dude, I did like ten in Pennsylvania. I
don't even know. This might be a I'm looking at
him like he knows the stat Pennsylvania has like more
colleges per capita. It's fucking insane that sense. So I
would go on a big run of Pennsylvania. I did
like five or six back to back to back, and
they were all Pennsylvania or East Ohio. And uh yeah,
I did a ton of movies worked, no but I
but but it was like cleaner, cleaner. I never did
naka yea for people that don't know. NAC as a
college conference that like hires comics to come perform at schools.
I never did that because I couldn't. They didn't. That
was too dirty for them. But I would get hired
individually because when I did Punked on MTV, it gave
me enough leeway for my agent to pitch me as
like Punked. Yeah, man, so I got my start really
on MTV. Taylor Swift, Taylor Swift, I did. I wrote
that bit. That was probably my best bit that I
ever wrote.
Speaker 1: Taylor Taylor, I did what a full circle moment?
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's kind of funny, she taught. She joked about
it before me. It's kind of funny, Yeah, she did.
Speaker 1: But what was the what was the little punk you
did on her? I felt like my trip to Italy
it was an episode of Punked.
Speaker 2: Could have been expecting you to jump out of a
but your boyfriend was punking you. He's like, she's gonna
do it here, She'll end her life here in Italy.
I wrote a bit where we we had Justin Bieber
come back from I don't know where he was, but
he said he had fireworks and we rigged. It was
a Malibu beach house, a recording house. It was doing
an album. Told her stop by and like check out
a new song, and they were setting fireworks fireworks off
of the porch over the ocean, and we were on
we had a boat and we were having a wedding
on a boat. I was the groom and one of
the fireworks shot off and we roped it to look
like it hit the boat lit it on fire, and
we had to swim ashore, were like in a dinghy,
and then we fell out of the boat. Like Taylor
Swifty ruined my wedding. He's so funny. He was so stupid.
And she actually was so sweet about it, like, oh
my god, what a panic moment. Yeah, and uh yeah,
the chow was terrible to traumatized me. It was terrible
because you had like be mean to people. Yeah, I
fucking hat. I was like, I don't want to like
trick people, you know. But I wanted to do the
show so bad because I wanted to, like beam Well, no,
I just wanted a credit. I wanted one credit so
I could like get another TV credit And that was
my entry instead of doing like guest stours on sitcoms
because I could. I didn't really get any. I mean
I didn't get them at the beginning at all. Right,
then I got a few of them that really I loved.
Speaker 1: My first introduction to you was I'm dying of here.
Speaker 2: Showtime loved that show, you and British people so much.
No one liked that show. Everyone you really loved it. Yeah, people,
people who liked it liked it. But then most people
the critics fucking ate us alive.
Speaker 1: Really well, I mean, who cares what the critics say.
They're always wrong.
Speaker 2: Well, they're the ones that make the show go though.
That's what the problem is. I think, like it's not
the numbers. The numbers don't matter as much as the
critical acclaim. Like Girls, you know, like historically Girls had
like three hundred thousand views or something something like, really small,
but the critics like pushed it like it was the show.
So then people it became a cultural zeit geist. But
like the show wasn't. There were shows that got five
to ten times more the views, do you know what
I mean? There are shows that got triple the views
and they still didn't get picked up, right because it
didn't get the love from this stupid, disgusting business, right,
That's really what it was. So we had okay viewership,
but the critics, man, they hated us.
Speaker 1: They just God, I fucking love that show.
Speaker 2: Well that's so night. It was also so criticized by comedians,
you know, that was the funniest part. They're like, the
stand up sucks. You're like, it's from nineteen seventy eight.
Speaker 1: It's supposed to see yeah.
Speaker 2: And the whole point is that we're young comics trying
to do comedy, trying to figure it out.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So the jokes were supposed to be kind of
waning and weird and uncomfortable, and nobody got that. I mean,
britt Brits do. When I talked to British people, genuinely
British people, Holy shit, British people will.
Speaker 1: I mean truly, I really really really liked.
Speaker 2: They loved the British people love.
Speaker 1: But I also wasn't maybe in comedy enough at the
time when it came out, because what year was that,
twenty you tell me fifteen?
Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, after that seventeen got he's got
to google it.
Speaker 1: My I didn't get back into comedy until twenty eighteen,
so I think maybe probably right.
Speaker 2: Before that, right around then. It's got to be twenty sixteen,
sixteen seventeen, Yeah, that was right, yeah, yeah, yeah, it
was just you know, it was I was in Mammoth
when they picked up the show for a second season,
and I genuinely got the call and I was like,
really like we thought for sure it's never going to
come back, Like we're giving you one more shot. I
was like, that's incredible, that's nice. Yeah, because I was like,
I can pay rent again.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I was stoked about that. I was like, oh, you're
gonna do it again. Great, Now I don't have to
like stress about doing road gigs to pay rent. Yeah,
And I could just stay in LA and pay rent.
And that's all I was dream was rent. We didn't
meant any money on that fucking showed it. That was insane.
How we got fucked on that shift. Well, there was
thirty of us. I mean there's so many cast members, Yeah,
there was. The main cast was like ten people.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: It was just like what they weren't going to pay us?
Speaker 1: Did you see all the per episode salaries came out
of Stranger Things? And Millie Bobby Brown is like, so
fucking love.
Speaker 2: What does she getting paid?
Speaker 3: I mean, she's the star of other franchise is at Netflix.
They gave her so much.
Speaker 2: Yeah, what does she get paid for next? Stranger Things?
Speaker 1: So some of the cast members were making one point
one million in episode. A lot of them were making
a million an episode, and I think she was like
around five or six hundred thousand. It's not low, but
it's like when she's also the star of that show.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she's the most recognized.
Speaker 1: She's the only name I know, right, So I'm like,
how is she the least.
Speaker 2: She's also like forty? Now, how old is she? Started with?
Speaker 1: They're all in their twenties, They're all going to rehab.
Speaker 2: She's she is? How old is she? For real?
Speaker 1: She's twenty five? She just married John bon Jovi's kid,
and serious.
Speaker 3: Adopted another kid who they adopted another.
Speaker 1: Kid, Maillie, Bobby Brown adopted a kid.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so she's they have mommy Bobby Brown. Now mommy Bobby,
Mommy Bobby Brown. Does she have a kid? I mean
Bob bon Jovi from adoption? Oh, she didn't birth a kid?
Speaker 3: Now?
Speaker 2: Oh I thought you said another kid, meaning that she
already had a kid. No, twenty five, they would have.
It's so funny and they're playing high school kids, right.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I saw the first season and then I we talked
about this last time. My sister was like, have you
not started new. I said, dude, I can't. We watched
one and I said this is cool. One was great.
I can't and then I was like, I'm tired. It's
a lot to go, it's a lot of It's.
Speaker 1: Also funny that Euphoria is still not out like the
last season of Euphoria. These these they're legitimately going to
be forty like Euphoria.
Speaker 2: I never watched. Everyone told me I should have watched it.
It was dark, it was really fucking you had to
be like pretty perverse.
Speaker 3: Sidney Sweeney Broke.
Speaker 2: And the guy Jacob, Yes, thank you, Frankenstein. Frankenstein.
Speaker 1: Frankenstein, the guy who plays Jacob Elordi's dad has als now.
Speaker 2: Oh God, to bring it down.
Speaker 3: I know.
Speaker 2: Sorry, that's so unbelievable. It sucks to figure Dane. Eric Dane, Hey,
doctors figure it out. Eric Dane. Didn't he play Superman?
Was he not Superman?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: He got it. He was in I'm bad, so bad
with names, so.
Speaker 1: I'm bad with everything. I don't have many facts in
my head.
Speaker 2: You don't enough. Yeah, two plus two.
Speaker 1: It's a lot of books, and know you pretend about
it right, Yeah, it's four.
Speaker 2: Yeah, see, I know but you had to talk I
head out, and.
Speaker 1: You know what I can't do. I can't do multiples of.
Speaker 2: Eight, eight, sixteen, twenty four.
Speaker 1: Thirty two, thirty six. Wait, no, forty I panicked.
Speaker 2: Wow, forty forty eight? What's after forty eight? Go fast?
Speaker 1: Fifty?
Speaker 2: Holy fucking six? Holy shit, dude, you went to college.
I know, like a real one.
Speaker 1: I know, but I really just partiedn't suck dick?
Speaker 2: So yeah, that they will clog up that brain, won't it. Wait,
so that's why you're dumb. Maybe I sucked dick in college.
Why am I so dumb?
Speaker 1: You're not?
Speaker 2: No, I am. I'm dumb about some things. I'm very
dumb about them, but it makes me feel good.
Speaker 1: I'm really bad with fast math.
Speaker 2: Fast math is tough. Yeah, the internet makes me feel
smart because you know, like you will see that they'll
be like name three countries and these kids will be
like an Africa. I don't know Africa. They'll they'll just
get stumped in here, like Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1: First, Africa is a continent.
Speaker 2: No, not to these kids, it's not. No. Most people
are not. Okay, the Internet's winning.
Speaker 1: Are you okay? How are you?
Speaker 2: How's your heart skipping a beat every once in a while,
I'm feeling good because of the caffeine. No, no, no, yeah,
I'm feeling better.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Booze down booze.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, away gone, I'm.
Speaker 2: Not gone forever. She's back there. She's she's lurking.
Speaker 1: She's lurking.
Speaker 2: She's back there going heyy like no, but yeah, more
coffee than I've ever had in my entire life.
Speaker 1: Okay, that's why your heart skipping a beat and your
foot shaking, your palms are sweating.
Speaker 2: No, I'm drying. I will cry. I cried, you know what.
I cried at Rental Family. I keep pushing this on everything.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, you posted it.
Speaker 2: One of the best movies I've seen in yeares Brian
Fraser Knox. Have you seen it? Not fucking unbelievable, I
said to Bobby. It just verifies why the Japan is
the best. And he's like, no, it's not like looses
his mind. Japan is the fucking best.
Speaker 1: The does Japan have to do with anything?
Speaker 2: Movie takes place in Japan? Okay, yeah, it's all about
him being He's like a failed actor who goes over
there to kind of like get a second wind of
his career and he gets hired to be a supplemental
rental friend. Okay, it's fucking amazing, dude. The stories are great,
the the like the sociological study of it. You know,
it's like this great study and like, you know, people
and relationships and what they mean to you versus what
what it means to the greater whole of a community.
It's it's a great movie. It's like a philosophical movie
that really does like put it in your heart. It's
so good.
Speaker 1: I mean, Brendan Fraser talk about someone who took a
massive break and just a mame back swing in because
George of the Jungle.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, dude was at the Jungle. So good. But
also he kept It's not like he like people are like,
oh you went away. It's like he was making movies. Yeah,
if you look at a IMDb, he was working. It's
just he wasn't in Like he wasn't.
Speaker 1: It wasn't like a breakout yet. I mean he wanted
ton Oscar for the.
Speaker 2: Whale big Fatty. Hey, hey, Precious, I'm right here. That's
so funny. I said, Precious too. I caught that joke.
I don't even know why I said it. Again, Precious
too white, Precious, that was the whale white fuck. He
doesn't get AIDS in the whale?
Speaker 3: Though?
Speaker 2: Does she get AIDS? And Precious, I don't. I've never
seen I don't think. No, really, I thought she does.
Are you guys both sure neither of you saw that movie?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 3: I saw it. She was crying about stealing her mom's
man and getting.
Speaker 2: Wait a minute, are you telling me? Yeah? Does Precious
get HIV? No? She had prep I think she got.
The main character in the novel Push, the adaptation of Precious,
Clarius Jones, was diagnosed HIV positive. Yes, isn't that the story?
That's the story she got she got it from her father.
Speaker 3: I thought I got knocked up by all right. I
didn't remember the.
Speaker 2: In the story precures contracts HIV from her father.
Speaker 1: Whatever. I don't retaine plots or information or facts or anything.
Speaker 2: That a movie.
Speaker 1: I didn't watch the movie.
Speaker 2: Jesus saw clips. Okay, wait, have you heard of bug chasers? Bug?
Speaker 1: Bug chasers? Have either of you heard of this?
Speaker 2: Bug chaser?
Speaker 1: Found out about it?
Speaker 2: It's a bug.
Speaker 1: Ruining my life. A bug chaser is a man with
HIV who intentionally tries to give it to as many
people as this.
Speaker 2: That's some set's insane. That's terrible, that's the real thing. Yes, no, no, no, yes,
I think.
Speaker 3: You said it backwards. A bug chaser can refer to
a person who practices intentionally seeking HIV infection through unprotected sex.
Speaker 1: Why seeking, I thought chasing.
Speaker 2: But I'll fuck you up, dude, end up in that fireplace.
I'll turn it on a bug a bug cha bug chaser. Yeah,
this is a new phenomenon, people looking for diseases. Yes,
don't do that. Don't do that.
Speaker 1: Just don't.
Speaker 2: I don't know how else to say that, But don't
do that. That sounds like I just terrible choice to do.
I mean, I don't know why you'd want to do that. Why,
what would be the purpose?
Speaker 3: It's a good way for suicide.
Speaker 1: Kill yourself.
Speaker 2: You don't when you you don't, they you live a
whole life with it. Now, Well you don't have to, No,
that's true. If you just don't take anything.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you could just not get medicated.
Speaker 2: And what are you taking.
Speaker 1: You're on a lot of medication, Yeah, just mostly prep.
Speaker 2: You are stay safe? Yeah, put on more lipstick? Girls,
What is it for? What is it?
Speaker 1: Honestly, my lips were chapped stick right, it's it's it's
tinted glass.
Speaker 2: Imagine if we had to do all that dumb.
Speaker 1: Ship, Imagine how good you'd like.
Speaker 2: Nah, I'm fine looking like this, dude, It is good
for me? Are you mid? Love? Being mid? Mid is
perfect right down the middle, dude. Not bad, not good.
It's this is I'm gliding fucking cruise, you know what.
I'm a skipping stone. I will sink at some point,
right and right now, I'm just skipping and you guys
all want to be rainbows. No, come down to the water. No, no, no,
cold down.
Speaker 1: Here, fucking I'm at the bottom of the lake.
Speaker 2: You are it Fucking a body that they find seventeen
years later in the car, it's her. It is her.
We saw we saw her ring. They're crying when they
get out. That's just such a hard Have you ever
seen this? Then the divers, it's like the saddest They're like,
we found a body and this is the license plate.
Andy're like, yeah, it's fucking the darkest shit. It's as
like your algorithm, what the fuck are you? Where are
you seeking this out? True crime? I love true crime.
I like untrue crime.
Speaker 3: It always starts with some weirdo tossing a magnet in
the lake and then all of a.
Speaker 2: Sudden, that is exactly how it starts. That was like
super super heavy magnets, Like I think it's a car
and they get a diver to go down there and
it's like the Thames River or something, and the Brits
are just like I thought, No, dude, how long the
call has been down there? This is nineteen fold tell
you pin type. They pop the trunk and they find
a body.
Speaker 1: You're so good at accents? How'd you find out you
could do all those?
Speaker 2: When I was a kid, I was movies and TV. Yeah,
you just repeat everything I heard and I would do
it to my mom until they were like, go away.
Speaker 1: I did that with Harry Potter because they were only
hiring British actors and I was like, I can do it.
Speaker 2: I can do it.
Speaker 1: I can do it.
Speaker 2: Harry, Harry run.
Speaker 1: No, you're a wizard.
Speaker 2: Ari You're a wized Ariy, Harry, You're a wizard. Good God,
bless those guys. Fuck me, Yeah, talk about it. What
a run, dude, generation that got fucked up? What a
great run.
Speaker 1: Daniel Radcliffe was like a full blown alcoholic by the
time he was thirteenth. Was he really pulling up to
set like hammered drunk? Yeah?
Speaker 2: God no, I like that so much more.
Speaker 1: Fucking lock in and be Harry Potter.
Speaker 2: That'd be cool to do that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but no, it's not cool to have that much
fame when you're so young.
Speaker 2: No, not when you're a kid.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's weird.
Speaker 2: Fame is not good at any age, but when you're
a kid, it's got to be the hardest. Yeah, because
you're not you don't get to be you. Yeah, you
have to be like locked in a thing all the time.
They have to like keep you away from everyone. He's like,
I just want to go out play. You can't do
can you er? I'm not Harry, I'm Daniel. You're not
You're Riy. Sit in your room, sit in your piles
of money. Ery.
Speaker 1: Well, with that, on that note, I think the gardener's
here so well, I got to work.
Speaker 2: That's my guy. It brought my ship. Yeah, and I'm ice,
so I'm gonna I knew you were gonna do that.
That's why you went to Florida. I knew it. I
was like, why would you go to Florida? Could you out, Ice,
Ice baby, please and gloriously.
Speaker 1: I'm ending it. I'm just I'm just gonna break my
ankle in the dismount. Do you want people to fucking
follow you?
Speaker 2: Don't follow me, dude, unfollow me, Peto Santino and unfollow me.
Oh see me live?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Go see. Are you on tour? Do you want
to plug any day?
Speaker 2: I'm just doing a bunch of casinos. I'm not doing
like a traditional tour. I'm just doing a bunch of
casinos to warm up.
Speaker 1: So you can do some gambling in between.
Speaker 2: Yeah, kind of. It's just gamble, golf and hang out.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I'm doing a bunch of casinos in the new year.
All right, Well, go to understanding here dot com. It's
the funniest I'll be out there. I'll be telling yucks.
I'll be making yuck yuck jokes, yuck yuck jokes, art
jokes galore.
Speaker 1: All Right, you guys, thank you so much for tuning
in to this episode of Talking Schmid. Follow us on
YouTube and Instagram and wherever you get your podcasts, Spotify, Apple,
whatever the fuck. Alright, see you next week.
Speaker 3: Thank