WEBVTT 1 00:00:05.000 --> 00:00:05.599 I'm Ali. 2 00:00:05.879 --> 00:00:08.320 I came out after twenty years of marriage and I 3 00:00:08.320 --> 00:00:09.400 have three kids. 4 00:00:09.960 --> 00:00:12.359 I'm Melissa and I have two kids, and I came 5 00:00:12.400 --> 00:00:14.960 out at thirty seven after an eleven year marriage. 6 00:00:15.400 --> 00:00:19.239 This podcast is about coming out later and the struggles 7 00:00:19.320 --> 00:00:20.559 and victories that come. 8 00:00:20.399 --> 00:00:22.480 With it when coming out feels like the end of 9 00:00:22.519 --> 00:00:24.920 the world, but it's really just the beginning. 10 00:00:25.640 --> 00:00:36.280 This is the Lesbian Chronicles. 11 00:00:36.280 --> 00:00:39.600 Welcome to the lest Chronicles. Why do you look so 12 00:00:39.719 --> 00:00:40.359 pretty today? 13 00:00:41.399 --> 00:00:45.359 I don't know I had to you did it, but. 14 00:00:45.640 --> 00:00:46.960 I was just going to say, are you doing your 15 00:00:46.960 --> 00:00:47.719 hair for the lake? 16 00:00:48.359 --> 00:00:52.119 Uh? Huh, totally. Really, it's exactly. 17 00:00:51.840 --> 00:00:53.719 You think that there's going to be some babes, some 18 00:00:53.799 --> 00:00:56.679 babes at Lake Yona that we haven't know, never know, 19 00:00:57.520 --> 00:01:00.119 some new babes. You never know. 20 00:01:00.280 --> 00:01:01.280 He's going to show them. 21 00:01:02.320 --> 00:01:04.680 I think our connection is like a little spotty. 22 00:01:05.480 --> 00:01:07.359 Yeah. Well, because I'm on my just. 23 00:01:08.959 --> 00:01:13.040 Whatever cell service right now. Okay, I got very thrown 24 00:01:13.120 --> 00:01:17.959 together moment here. So yes, it is in my fondo 25 00:01:18.079 --> 00:01:21.359 with no Wi Fi even Google's next. 26 00:01:21.239 --> 00:01:24.280 Door the third world. 27 00:01:24.599 --> 00:01:28.280 No, I like wanted to get Wi Fi put in 28 00:01:28.400 --> 00:01:32.040 just for the month while I'm here, and it's the 29 00:01:32.159 --> 00:01:36.040 place is wired for Google Fiber, but apparently I need 30 00:01:36.040 --> 00:01:39.280 their like most recent router to get it started, and 31 00:01:39.599 --> 00:01:41.760 they're like, it'll be three days to get it to you. 32 00:01:42.120 --> 00:01:45.239 And I'm like Google is behind me, like I can 33 00:01:45.439 --> 00:01:46.040 walk to it. 34 00:01:46.120 --> 00:01:47.560 I'm like, can I not walk in there? And you 35 00:01:47.560 --> 00:01:50.560 guys like and me a router, like is there not 36 00:01:50.599 --> 00:01:52.840 a better way to do this? There's not? And I'm 37 00:01:52.840 --> 00:01:55.719 like no, I know. Six, Like, let me tell you this. 38 00:01:55.920 --> 00:01:56.319 I had. 39 00:01:57.040 --> 00:02:00.519 I had a router that I shared with Chris and 40 00:02:00.560 --> 00:02:03.359 that now came with me to my new house. I 41 00:02:03.400 --> 00:02:05.799 don't think it's a long story. So basically we shared 42 00:02:05.920 --> 00:02:09.599 this router somehow. His name is on my round and 43 00:02:09.639 --> 00:02:11.800 I was ready to have it just be my router. 44 00:02:12.919 --> 00:02:15.199 Eight. I'm not moving from AT and T. I'm keeping 45 00:02:15.199 --> 00:02:16.280 AT and T Fiber. 46 00:02:16.520 --> 00:02:19.199 I'm the same exact thing and the same exact location. 47 00:02:19.759 --> 00:02:23.039 They could not transfer the service to me. I had 48 00:02:23.080 --> 00:02:26.319 to quit, cancel that service, and wait for them to 49 00:02:26.400 --> 00:02:27.960 reinstall new AT and T. 50 00:02:28.919 --> 00:02:32.319 Dude, I'm telling you, they make all this shit far 51 00:02:32.360 --> 00:02:33.759 more complicated than it needs to be. 52 00:02:35.759 --> 00:02:37.639 Waiting I know everything. 53 00:02:38.120 --> 00:02:41.000 I've never had internet service go smoothly with getting it 54 00:02:41.039 --> 00:02:43.560 started every time and it's going to be a week 55 00:02:43.680 --> 00:02:46.759 or we've got to dig across your street and all. 56 00:02:46.840 --> 00:02:49.800 And I'm like, Sue, how is this possible. We've had 57 00:02:49.800 --> 00:02:52.879 the internet since the nineties, you know, it's a ball 58 00:02:53.120 --> 00:02:54.919 since then, but damn. 59 00:02:56.400 --> 00:02:59.120 Easier to hook up flip a switch, right. 60 00:02:59.240 --> 00:03:02.280 But also, like back in the nineties with AOL, you 61 00:03:02.360 --> 00:03:04.000 got a disc in the mail, you put it in 62 00:03:04.039 --> 00:03:06.039 your computer. All you need was a telephone cord and 63 00:03:06.039 --> 00:03:07.879 you plugged it in the wall, plugged in your computer. 64 00:03:08.280 --> 00:03:09.360 Boom online. 65 00:03:09.400 --> 00:03:12.000 Now, of course it moved it like a snail's pace, 66 00:03:12.639 --> 00:03:15.520 but it was so much easier to do it all. 67 00:03:15.560 --> 00:03:18.319 And now, I don't know, it feels so antiquated for 68 00:03:18.520 --> 00:03:19.039 what you're. 69 00:03:19.039 --> 00:03:21.520 What's antiquated is you're such a huge company atn T. 70 00:03:21.719 --> 00:03:25.080 You can't figure out how to just transfer service to. 71 00:03:25.159 --> 00:03:29.120 Me without me having to cancel one. I had to 72 00:03:29.159 --> 00:03:30.560 ship back the old box. 73 00:03:30.919 --> 00:03:32.159 That's the only thing to miss. 74 00:03:33.159 --> 00:03:35.360 Like, you couldn't give the serial number that was on 75 00:03:35.400 --> 00:03:39.319 that router. And you're like, oh, now you know, delete 76 00:03:40.280 --> 00:03:41.039 put yours in there. 77 00:03:41.800 --> 00:03:46.000 No, ma'am, we can't. So anyway, I had to go 78 00:03:46.039 --> 00:03:49.159 a whole day. But that's a whole nother story. I 79 00:03:49.240 --> 00:03:50.400 did go ax throwing. 80 00:03:51.199 --> 00:03:52.039 I know I want to hear. 81 00:03:51.960 --> 00:03:54.840 About this because that you said this, that imained and 82 00:03:54.879 --> 00:03:57.560 you're like just fully taking out like your anger on. 83 00:03:58.520 --> 00:03:59.400 Uh, that's throwing. 84 00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:01.800 The only reason I don't know, you know, I don't 85 00:04:01.840 --> 00:04:03.599 like to ever go to a second location and I 86 00:04:03.680 --> 00:04:05.800 like to be in betterly and I'm very rigid with 87 00:04:05.879 --> 00:04:06.360 my evening. 88 00:04:06.919 --> 00:04:09.400 So we ate dinner, very rigid, guys. 89 00:04:09.639 --> 00:04:12.879 We ate dinner with the kids at free Dy which 90 00:04:12.919 --> 00:04:14.240 is in INMM Park. 91 00:04:14.080 --> 00:04:14.919 So you know where that is. 92 00:04:14.919 --> 00:04:15.319 On that came. 93 00:04:15.400 --> 00:04:18.240 Yeah, So we have this big dinner and I'm feeling fun. 94 00:04:18.480 --> 00:04:21.879 I'm feeling like I'm going to be like fun, which doesn't. 95 00:04:21.560 --> 00:04:22.160 Happen that off. 96 00:04:22.240 --> 00:04:22.959 I'm fun today. 97 00:04:23.680 --> 00:04:24.839 I'm going to be fun today. 98 00:04:25.000 --> 00:04:27.839 And I've got read and I'm like, you know what, guys, 99 00:04:27.879 --> 00:04:31.120 you know what's right next door? Ax throwing. Let's go 100 00:04:31.279 --> 00:04:34.759 ax throwing you guys. And it's like probably I don't know, 101 00:04:34.800 --> 00:04:36.279 maybe eight fifteen at this. 102 00:04:36.360 --> 00:04:37.800 Point, and Reid can't even believe it. 103 00:04:38.079 --> 00:04:41.800 He's looking at really fun, past my bedtime, past my 104 00:04:41.959 --> 00:04:45.800 eating time. It's everything that I'm like normal I would do. 105 00:04:45.920 --> 00:04:48.040 I was just in like a really fun space and 106 00:04:48.040 --> 00:04:50.079 I'm like, let's just go ax throwings right there, We're 107 00:04:50.079 --> 00:04:51.560 going to walk next door and throw access. 108 00:04:51.959 --> 00:04:53.639 So Reid can't even believe his mind. 109 00:04:53.759 --> 00:04:56.720 He's like, really, yeah, yeah, like I want to go. 110 00:04:56.800 --> 00:04:58.680 I want to go, so and the other kids wanted 111 00:04:58.720 --> 00:05:01.519 to go too. So we walk over there because it's 112 00:05:01.519 --> 00:05:02.680 for me, you know, I don't like to get in 113 00:05:02.720 --> 00:05:03.600 my car ever. 114 00:05:04.120 --> 00:05:05.839 Right and it's closed. 115 00:05:06.160 --> 00:05:09.000 So now I've hyped up ax throwing. I sold it 116 00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:12.800 in and now it's it's closed. So now they're like, well, 117 00:05:12.839 --> 00:05:15.439 we're definitely going, So now we have to find another place, 118 00:05:16.240 --> 00:05:18.199 and so then I was like, oh my god. So 119 00:05:18.240 --> 00:05:22.920 we ended up driving downtown to some huge bar, biggest 120 00:05:22.920 --> 00:05:25.199 bar I've ever been it that have all kinds of 121 00:05:25.240 --> 00:05:25.759 different games. 122 00:05:25.800 --> 00:05:27.399 I don't even remember what this place was called. 123 00:05:27.399 --> 00:05:30.480 But they had acts throwing and it's way harder than 124 00:05:30.519 --> 00:05:31.040 it looks. 125 00:05:32.680 --> 00:05:33.439 Yeah, like you can. 126 00:05:33.480 --> 00:05:35.759 It's the axe is light, that's not the problem. The 127 00:05:35.759 --> 00:05:39.879 problem is to get it to land in the thing. Yeah, 128 00:05:39.920 --> 00:05:42.720 stay in there and stay in the wood is like 129 00:05:42.879 --> 00:05:43.759 not easy. 130 00:05:43.879 --> 00:05:45.959 It's not I've done it a couple of times. It's 131 00:05:46.040 --> 00:05:47.720 not fun, but it is. 132 00:05:47.839 --> 00:05:49.680 It's fun, and you do get to where you can 133 00:05:49.720 --> 00:05:51.120 do it, but it's harder than it looks. 134 00:05:51.519 --> 00:05:54.839 Yeah, you can't just pick up one. Yeah that's fun though. 135 00:05:55.360 --> 00:05:57.839 I mean, I'm glad you did that. Yeah. 136 00:05:57.879 --> 00:05:59.519 I was feeling very spontaneous. 137 00:06:01.160 --> 00:06:04.360 Yeah, I mean really, especially going downtown. That's like a 138 00:06:04.399 --> 00:06:06.199 whole other me. 139 00:06:06.680 --> 00:06:09.360 Imagine me at eight o'clock at night, going driving downtown, 140 00:06:10.040 --> 00:06:12.639 having to park the car in the garage. So it's 141 00:06:12.680 --> 00:06:16.959 inconvenience after inconvenience after inconvenience. I did all of them 142 00:06:17.199 --> 00:06:21.360 with a huge smile, amazing, like a huge smile. 143 00:06:21.519 --> 00:06:24.480 Never complained once. So that was my night. 144 00:06:24.600 --> 00:06:26.000 I'd like to ask read that. 145 00:06:27.839 --> 00:06:30.839 No, he was like, I can't even believe that, Like, 146 00:06:30.920 --> 00:06:31.959 what has gotten into you? 147 00:06:33.000 --> 00:06:33.079 What? 148 00:06:33.519 --> 00:06:35.519 I was like, I guess, I guess. I guess I'm 149 00:06:35.519 --> 00:06:36.000 fun now. 150 00:06:37.639 --> 00:06:39.920 I'm fun now, you guys, lexapro. 151 00:06:40.240 --> 00:06:43.720 It's you, guys. I'm a good time now. 152 00:06:44.879 --> 00:06:45.639 That's all it took. 153 00:06:46.720 --> 00:06:48.959 And then we got home and I was like, they 154 00:06:48.959 --> 00:06:50.560 were like, can we watch a movie? 155 00:06:50.839 --> 00:06:51.199 Sure? 156 00:06:51.480 --> 00:06:52.879 I gause I want to stay up till midnight and 157 00:06:52.879 --> 00:06:53.480 watch a movie. 158 00:06:53.680 --> 00:06:56.680 No problem, I'll do it, dude. 159 00:06:57.800 --> 00:07:03.360 Yeah, no, drink, that's amazing, Yeah, good job, it's fun. 160 00:07:03.600 --> 00:07:06.920 I'm fun now. So get excited for get excited for 161 00:07:06.959 --> 00:07:07.720 the Lake weekend. 162 00:07:07.759 --> 00:07:11.560 But me, seriously, I'm disappointed though you're not coming tonight. 163 00:07:12.360 --> 00:07:15.759 I know I've got some sad news that led to 164 00:07:15.879 --> 00:07:18.600 why I can't come. But did you like the video 165 00:07:18.639 --> 00:07:21.279 I said of you and I dancing on the bar last. 166 00:07:22.079 --> 00:07:24.279 What you don't remember is that you almost bid it? 167 00:07:25.240 --> 00:07:27.720 No, I and I also almost took my hand in 168 00:07:27.800 --> 00:07:28.120 a fan. 169 00:07:28.920 --> 00:07:30.759 Yeah, you see that farm stuck your hand in the fan. 170 00:07:30.839 --> 00:07:33.439 But I thought it was hilarious because I remember that. 171 00:07:34.040 --> 00:07:36.120 I remember saying to you, as long as we can 172 00:07:36.160 --> 00:07:39.079 both still climb up here, we're not too drunk. 173 00:07:39.920 --> 00:07:41.639 And then I was about to eat. 174 00:07:41.480 --> 00:07:42.879 And then you alsost smell. 175 00:07:45.319 --> 00:07:48.240 We also changed the light bulb that night. I know, 176 00:07:49.480 --> 00:07:51.079 I don't think it was the lights behind us, but 177 00:07:51.160 --> 00:07:53.759 I'm like, god, what were we doing? Like we were? 178 00:07:54.040 --> 00:07:55.920 You and I were the first ones up on that counter. 179 00:07:56.560 --> 00:07:58.079 I mean, got to start the party. 180 00:07:58.600 --> 00:08:01.439 You gotta start some party. Yeah, I'm excited about it. 181 00:08:02.920 --> 00:08:04.040 It's gonna be a fun weekend. 182 00:08:04.079 --> 00:08:04.240 Though. 183 00:08:04.240 --> 00:08:05.079 We've got a good group. 184 00:08:05.639 --> 00:08:11.000 So yeah, I think so too. All Right, so you 185 00:08:11.079 --> 00:08:13.560 had a great idea for a topic, Let's get after it. 186 00:08:14.040 --> 00:08:18.600 Yeah, So We've talked about rumination before. Rumination is where 187 00:08:18.639 --> 00:08:21.959 you can't quit thinking about someone, like your mind is 188 00:08:22.000 --> 00:08:25.279 just constantly playing out, like you might even be no 189 00:08:25.360 --> 00:08:27.519 longer in communication with this person. You know, you guys 190 00:08:27.560 --> 00:08:30.600 broke up a month, two months, three months ago, but 191 00:08:30.639 --> 00:08:34.360 you still ruminate on the thing and you have like 192 00:08:34.799 --> 00:08:37.000 conversations in your head of like, damn, I wish I 193 00:08:37.000 --> 00:08:39.480 could say this, You can't stop thinking about it. 194 00:08:39.919 --> 00:08:41.000 And I saw this. 195 00:08:41.039 --> 00:08:44.720 Video that was basically saying that the reason why people 196 00:08:44.759 --> 00:08:49.039 do that is because we are hardwired to solve problems. Okay, 197 00:08:49.120 --> 00:08:52.000 you know, like that is your instinct, A primal instinct 198 00:08:52.039 --> 00:08:54.519 is to solve a problem, and in your brain and 199 00:08:54.559 --> 00:08:57.360 your body, that feels like a problem to be solved. 200 00:08:57.840 --> 00:09:01.159 So you're going to think about it, ruminate on it 201 00:09:01.639 --> 00:09:03.919 because you your mind thinks you're going to solve the 202 00:09:03.919 --> 00:09:07.120 problem eventually to where you can either you know, maybe 203 00:09:07.120 --> 00:09:09.679 get back together with this person or something's going to change. 204 00:09:09.759 --> 00:09:12.480 But always are you always talking about ruminating in the negative? 205 00:09:15.799 --> 00:09:18.279 Well, in this specific instance, yeah. 206 00:09:17.960 --> 00:09:23.039 Okays, a negative aspect of rumination, right, Yeah. 207 00:09:22.879 --> 00:09:26.960 It's like an unhealthy amount of focus on this. 208 00:09:26.840 --> 00:09:29.360 Person, right, and it's on a person that's kind of 209 00:09:29.399 --> 00:09:30.960 like no longer in your life or. 210 00:09:31.080 --> 00:09:35.519 On the apps, those kind of things. But I think 211 00:09:35.639 --> 00:09:36.639 it's a good way. 212 00:09:36.519 --> 00:09:39.480 To like think about it is that it you're you're, 213 00:09:39.720 --> 00:09:42.120 it's a primal thing inside of you that's happening. It's 214 00:09:42.159 --> 00:09:45.279 not necessarily this person is so special. I can't stop 215 00:09:45.320 --> 00:09:48.080 thinking about them. It is your body and your mind 216 00:09:48.360 --> 00:09:52.879 trying to problem solve. Okay, not this specific person. 217 00:09:53.919 --> 00:09:57.240 Yeah, how do you how do you break that cycle? 218 00:09:58.159 --> 00:09:59.879 I think that's just it is like when you catch 219 00:09:59.879 --> 00:10:02.039 your self ruminating, like that's that's. 220 00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:03.759 Reminds yourself you need to build. 221 00:10:04.360 --> 00:10:06.360 Is like catching yourself in it and being like I'm 222 00:10:06.360 --> 00:10:09.480 doing it again. I'm having the conversation again, but then 223 00:10:09.600 --> 00:10:12.720 also saying this is I'm just trying to problem solve, 224 00:10:12.840 --> 00:10:14.519 and it's a problem I'm not going to solve. 225 00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:17.519 It's a problem I need to like let go of. Really. 226 00:10:17.960 --> 00:10:20.799 Yeah, there is such freedom in that too, when you 227 00:10:20.840 --> 00:10:22.399 get to a place like you and I have had 228 00:10:22.399 --> 00:10:25.039 this recently, me very recently where I looked at you 229 00:10:25.120 --> 00:10:28.679 and I'm like, I just don't give a shit, Like 230 00:10:28.840 --> 00:10:31.240 I it's like I really don't, Like I don't know 231 00:10:31.279 --> 00:10:34.080 why I don't but I don't care. And there's been 232 00:10:34.120 --> 00:10:35.919 two big things that have come up that I would 233 00:10:35.960 --> 00:10:37.799 have ruminated huge. 234 00:10:38.559 --> 00:10:39.679 You would have put from. 235 00:10:39.519 --> 00:10:43.159 Me fifteen to twenty times and said, I'm loaded with 236 00:10:43.240 --> 00:10:46.279 anxiety right now, help me. Yeah, if I said one 237 00:10:46.320 --> 00:10:48.320 word to you about it now, even thought I said, I, 238 00:10:48.519 --> 00:10:49.200 I don't know why I don't. 239 00:10:49.240 --> 00:10:52.039 And honestly, it's like, you didn't even tell me about 240 00:10:52.039 --> 00:10:54.000 the thing until a few days later. 241 00:10:54.399 --> 00:10:56.960 I didn't were you about it? Yeah? 242 00:10:56.960 --> 00:10:58.120 Wait are we? 243 00:10:59.320 --> 00:10:59.519 Yeah? 244 00:10:59.639 --> 00:11:01.720 Yeah, yeah, that's right. I didn't. 245 00:11:01.720 --> 00:11:03.120 He had not said anything to me about it, and 246 00:11:03.200 --> 00:11:06.039 you finally do tell me, and I'm like, dude, like what, Like, 247 00:11:06.240 --> 00:11:07.720 how are you not freaking. 248 00:11:07.360 --> 00:11:11.840 Out about this? That's huge that because before you would 249 00:11:11.840 --> 00:11:14.240 have been like, what is going on? I need all 250 00:11:14.240 --> 00:11:17.320 the answers. Yeah, everything. It's weighing on me. I can't 251 00:11:17.360 --> 00:11:18.600 sleep none of them. 252 00:11:18.679 --> 00:11:21.279 Yeah, I don't care like I have. 253 00:11:21.559 --> 00:11:23.120 It's like when you get to a place in your 254 00:11:23.159 --> 00:11:25.840 life that you're like, these are the people that I 255 00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:29.840 really am interested in investing in and that I'm interested in. 256 00:11:30.120 --> 00:11:32.080 It's not even a bad thing about the other people. 257 00:11:32.480 --> 00:11:35.000 It's more like just I've gotten to a place of 258 00:11:35.039 --> 00:11:38.320 like the things I don't control almost or that I'm 259 00:11:38.919 --> 00:11:40.360 I truly don't care. 260 00:11:41.080 --> 00:11:43.360 Yeah, but that's just it. 261 00:11:43.399 --> 00:11:47.240 That's another part of like this fule zooming out on, 262 00:11:47.440 --> 00:11:54.080 like the rumination stuff and like running your brain through 263 00:11:54.120 --> 00:11:56.399 all these things that are happening that really you have 264 00:11:56.480 --> 00:11:59.360 no control over it now, no control over those things 265 00:11:59.360 --> 00:12:03.480 that were happening, and you waste so much energy and 266 00:12:03.559 --> 00:12:07.879 time and like lose sleep over these things that just 267 00:12:08.039 --> 00:12:09.519 your brain's not going to fix it. 268 00:12:10.120 --> 00:12:11.840 Thinking about it so much is not. 269 00:12:11.720 --> 00:12:14.720 Going to repair anything, right, It's just going to take 270 00:12:14.759 --> 00:12:17.159 away from what you currently have in your life. 271 00:12:17.799 --> 00:12:21.000 And I am I am a very controlling person. Like 272 00:12:21.120 --> 00:12:24.039 by nature, I think I'm hyper vigilant. I think it's 273 00:12:24.720 --> 00:12:26.600 based on a lot of things in my upbringing and 274 00:12:26.639 --> 00:12:27.879 I had a wonderful childhood. 275 00:12:27.919 --> 00:12:30.080 But this is what I am. Like I'm everybody's going 276 00:12:30.120 --> 00:12:33.919 to have some their thing. Mine is everybody has something. 277 00:12:34.240 --> 00:12:37.279 If I can't control the outcome, or to some extent, 278 00:12:37.360 --> 00:12:38.679 control the outcome. 279 00:12:38.399 --> 00:12:40.919 I have a lot of anxiety. It's something that's just 280 00:12:41.000 --> 00:12:41.480 about me. 281 00:12:42.200 --> 00:12:45.279 And I do feel like I'm even seeing that like 282 00:12:45.480 --> 00:12:50.080 lift like I don't put as much energy into dumb 283 00:12:50.080 --> 00:12:50.960 shit anymore. 284 00:12:51.559 --> 00:12:55.679 Yeah, that is interesting about like the whole controlling the 285 00:12:55.720 --> 00:12:57.799 outcome thing. I think a lot of people feel that way, 286 00:12:57.799 --> 00:12:59.399 and I think that's one of the things that's like 287 00:13:00.759 --> 00:13:03.519 heavy weight when you're coming out, you know, because you 288 00:13:03.600 --> 00:13:07.279 don't know the fucking outcome exactly, Like you have no 289 00:13:07.360 --> 00:13:10.000 idea what's on the other side, and maybe I'm knowing 290 00:13:10.559 --> 00:13:12.679 maybe nothing, maybe nothing. 291 00:13:13.600 --> 00:13:16.200 That's not true, Well it's not true, but you do. 292 00:13:16.240 --> 00:13:19.320 Say to yourself, like, maybe the outcome is a less 293 00:13:19.360 --> 00:13:21.759 than than what I have now, is it worth it? 294 00:13:22.000 --> 00:13:25.240 Like to go be in this you know what, you 295 00:13:25.279 --> 00:13:26.320 think you're coming out. 296 00:13:26.159 --> 00:13:29.039 Because you want intimacy with a woman you're gay, Like, 297 00:13:29.120 --> 00:13:33.039 you want that kind of connection, and you're hoping that 298 00:13:33.039 --> 00:13:35.799 that's you know, you're going to find this gay community 299 00:13:35.840 --> 00:13:38.519 and you're going to be out. But I remember feeling like, 300 00:13:38.600 --> 00:13:41.320 but what if the love for this best friend man 301 00:13:41.840 --> 00:13:44.279 and the father of my children and this life we've 302 00:13:44.320 --> 00:13:46.159 already built is worth. 303 00:13:46.080 --> 00:13:49.399 More than this thing. I'm risking it all for what 304 00:13:49.440 --> 00:13:50.879 it Yeah, And. 305 00:13:50.840 --> 00:13:54.799 Then you don't you don't know, And I mean I 306 00:13:54.840 --> 00:13:57.639 can solidly say now I do feel like it was 307 00:13:57.679 --> 00:14:00.559 worth it. There's just so many other things that have 308 00:14:01.159 --> 00:14:07.840 happened beyond sexuality, beyond relationships that are better in my 309 00:14:07.960 --> 00:14:13.799 life now, and just the freedom of being who I am. 310 00:14:14.159 --> 00:14:15.639 You know, yeah, but it is. 311 00:14:16.159 --> 00:14:18.600 I mean, that's one of the scariest things in diving 312 00:14:18.639 --> 00:14:20.840 into all this is not knowing the outcome. 313 00:14:21.360 --> 00:14:25.200 Right, especially for a personality like mine or yours, where 314 00:14:25.240 --> 00:14:27.559 it's like I don't know, like I'm. 315 00:14:27.360 --> 00:14:30.120 Not a care free let's just like see where the 316 00:14:30.159 --> 00:14:34.159 wind takes us. Trust the journey. I don't fucking trust. 317 00:14:33.960 --> 00:14:36.200 The journey, like I don't. 318 00:14:36.480 --> 00:14:39.799 I don't trust the journey. I want to control the journey. 319 00:14:40.360 --> 00:14:42.840 Yeah, yes, I want to control the journey. 320 00:14:43.159 --> 00:14:45.919 I want to control the journey. So I to me, 321 00:14:46.039 --> 00:14:48.240 that's very difficult. And when people say that, like even 322 00:14:48.279 --> 00:14:51.200 my mom will say things like if it's meant to be, 323 00:14:52.159 --> 00:14:54.120 it'll happen, And I'm like, well, then why don't I 324 00:14:54.159 --> 00:14:55.120 just stay home all day? 325 00:14:55.840 --> 00:14:56.679 Why am I working? 326 00:14:57.440 --> 00:14:59.360 It's meant to be, then my bills will just get 327 00:14:59.399 --> 00:15:01.840 paid and the kids are going to turn out great, 328 00:15:02.840 --> 00:15:06.039 and I'm just going to fuck off here all day. 329 00:15:08.200 --> 00:15:09.840 That's so true though. 330 00:15:10.080 --> 00:15:15.720 Because it's like a knock on my door and be like, hey, 331 00:15:15.759 --> 00:15:18.159 I've got this awesome job opportunity for you, that. 332 00:15:22.759 --> 00:15:25.559 Job, it's your dream because he thought about it a lot. 333 00:15:25.480 --> 00:15:28.600 And you think about it and trust the journey. Trust 334 00:15:28.679 --> 00:15:30.320 the journey. Just trust the. 335 00:15:32.000 --> 00:15:35.279 Exactly. Like I need to fucking solid data here. 336 00:15:35.519 --> 00:15:41.519 I needn't know exactly things are on track to happen, right, And. 337 00:15:41.440 --> 00:15:44.480 So I think, like, that's that's hard. I was listening 338 00:15:44.519 --> 00:15:48.679 Lindsay the other Lindsay gave me this podcast about control 339 00:15:48.919 --> 00:15:52.679 and about like the rigidity that happens when you are 340 00:15:52.799 --> 00:15:56.679 kind of a controlling person. It's like my personality. She 341 00:15:56.799 --> 00:15:59.679 wasn't giving me a dig. She was just like, in. 342 00:15:59.639 --> 00:16:01.559 Some way, she and I are very similar this way. 343 00:16:02.080 --> 00:16:05.000 But about how like. 344 00:16:05.000 --> 00:16:09.360 The rigidity that happens when you have a personality like 345 00:16:09.440 --> 00:16:13.120 mine where you can't necessarily bend as easily, or like 346 00:16:13.480 --> 00:16:17.399 she pointed out, you like posting at your house because 347 00:16:17.440 --> 00:16:19.960 you can control where it is. 348 00:16:20.480 --> 00:16:23.960 You know that, you know where everything is, you know everything, 349 00:16:25.279 --> 00:16:27.679 what it's like, food exactly. 350 00:16:27.399 --> 00:16:28.759 Your bed's upstairs. 351 00:16:29.159 --> 00:16:32.879 Yeah, And it's true, it's like you have to kind 352 00:16:32.879 --> 00:16:35.039 of push yourself out of that sometimes. 353 00:16:35.120 --> 00:16:38.279 But I'd be lying if I said that I would 354 00:16:38.360 --> 00:16:39.799 rather be at someone else's house. 355 00:16:39.840 --> 00:16:40.320 I wouldn't. 356 00:16:40.360 --> 00:16:41.519 I would rather be here. 357 00:16:42.240 --> 00:16:44.279 Sometimes you've got to go downtown and go expert. 358 00:16:44.559 --> 00:16:46.200 Sometimes you got to go to now and now that 359 00:16:46.240 --> 00:16:48.600 I'm fun, I'm going to be showing up in lots 360 00:16:48.600 --> 00:16:49.240 of different spots. 361 00:16:49.279 --> 00:16:51.840 Where do you guys want to I'm sure, yeah, come 362 00:16:51.840 --> 00:16:53.960 on dot City and hang out at my house for 363 00:16:54.039 --> 00:16:54.320 the day. 364 00:16:54.360 --> 00:16:55.440 I'm sure you love it. 365 00:16:55.559 --> 00:17:00.279 I'm such a good time. Yeah yeah, But it's true. 366 00:17:00.639 --> 00:17:02.639 And then sometimes I think too, It's like one of 367 00:17:02.679 --> 00:17:05.359 the things Brenee Brown said is sometimes it's on the 368 00:17:05.440 --> 00:17:09.200 guise of helping people, but it's really control. And like 369 00:17:09.319 --> 00:17:12.359 Brene was saying, she does this like where she'll be like, 370 00:17:12.480 --> 00:17:15.400 let me help you with this plan, but the truth 371 00:17:15.519 --> 00:17:17.880 is she's helping you with the plan under the guise 372 00:17:17.920 --> 00:17:19.960 of like you need help Melissa with the plan, but 373 00:17:20.039 --> 00:17:23.559 it's really because I want to decide where we're eating, okay, 374 00:17:23.960 --> 00:17:28.119 where who I'm sitting with, who I'm like sleeping with, 375 00:17:28.160 --> 00:17:30.720 like tonight at the lake, I can I'm very hopeful 376 00:17:30.720 --> 00:17:32.359 that you're going to put me somewhere close. 377 00:17:32.119 --> 00:17:34.000 To you say, I don't even know where I'm going 378 00:17:34.039 --> 00:17:34.319 to be. 379 00:17:34.599 --> 00:17:38.839 So yeah, so you might be. 380 00:17:41.240 --> 00:17:42.599 So yeah, So. 381 00:17:42.559 --> 00:17:44.599 I think there's I don't know, there's all different levels 382 00:17:44.640 --> 00:17:46.559 of it. I'm just not someone to go with the 383 00:17:46.599 --> 00:17:48.039 flow and. 384 00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:51.279 See, I can go with the flow at the same time, 385 00:17:51.599 --> 00:17:54.839 I sometimes am like the flow really sucks. 386 00:17:55.640 --> 00:17:58.880 Yeah, I don't know I or the thing like we 387 00:17:58.880 --> 00:18:00.680 don't have all the answers now. 388 00:18:01.160 --> 00:18:04.400 Yeah, I don't like, well, I hate it. 389 00:18:04.400 --> 00:18:06.000 It's like, well, let's find some fucking answers. 390 00:18:06.000 --> 00:18:08.359 You guys, I'm gonna say. I'm like, I'm both. 391 00:18:08.559 --> 00:18:10.440 It's like I can go with the flow, like tonight, 392 00:18:10.519 --> 00:18:11.680 not knowing where I'm going to sleep? 393 00:18:11.720 --> 00:18:14.480 Who am I you know, sharing a room with someone? 394 00:18:14.720 --> 00:18:17.200 How's that gonna work out? Okay, fine, I've got my 395 00:18:17.240 --> 00:18:19.680 little blanket. I can cozy up wherever I need to. 396 00:18:20.359 --> 00:18:22.920 But when it comes to kind of like knowing the 397 00:18:22.920 --> 00:18:27.079 outcome of things, that's where that's where my rumination plays 398 00:18:27.119 --> 00:18:31.519 out like hardcore like you do and now. 399 00:18:31.359 --> 00:18:34.839 Yeah, how do you feel like if you're in a 400 00:18:34.880 --> 00:18:38.720 new relationship, how soon do you does your brain start 401 00:18:38.759 --> 00:18:39.839