Speaker 1: Her son died under her care. You know, she was
Speaker 1: supposed to be watching her son and he was out
Speaker 1: playing and fell into a canal and died. And ultimately
Speaker 1: she blamed herself for that for years, and it was
Speaker 1: through an empathetic witness that she was able to begin to,
Speaker 1: you know, reassign the meeting. Ultimately, she had gotten all
Speaker 1: sorts of condolence letters, and you know, someone had told
Speaker 1: her that something similar had happened. You know, she got
Speaker 1: all sorts of letters, and the night before she was
Speaker 1: the night she was going to kill herself.
Speaker 2: You know, she read this letter.
Speaker 1: She had a stack of condolence letters, and she read
Speaker 1: this one from a lady who had a similar situation.
Speaker 1: You know, this lady I think named Teresa, who she
Speaker 1: never actually was able to get back in contact with,
Speaker 1: but tried many times. This lady named Teresa, who wrote
Speaker 1: her letter. She was with her six year old daughter,
Speaker 1: went inside for a little bit to like grab the
Speaker 1: phone or something, came back out, and her daughter had
Speaker 1: gotten hit by a car and died during the two
Speaker 1: minutes she was inside.
Speaker 2: And so what Teresa had sent to Melissa.
Speaker 1: In the letter was that look like you're not a
Speaker 1: bad parent, like, you didn't try to make this happen.
Speaker 1: This was a freak accident. Teresa was able to say
Speaker 1: some things in that letter that helped Melissa to actually
Speaker 1: like have hope again. And it really was that breakdown
Speaker 1: similar to I think what I had, where it was
Speaker 1: just like I think you blame yourself a lot for something,
Speaker 1: or you just lose hope in something that you initially wanted,
Speaker 1: and so that leads you to just kind of losing hope.
Speaker 1: And I think what you need is some form of
Speaker 1: like a shred of hope. And I think that that's
Speaker 1: what she got, and so I think that you know,
Speaker 1: she was kind of giving up on herself. I was
Speaker 1: kind of giving on myself, but I think you kind
Speaker 1: of have to. I mean, in the case of her
Speaker 1: and even me, a lot of it was just that
Speaker 1: an external party came and just like.
Speaker 2: Actually like saved space or just tried something.
Speaker 1: But I think for someone who more practically is in
Speaker 1: a dark place and just wants to get out, I
Speaker 1: think actually seeking help. It could be a friend, it
Speaker 1: could be a therapist, it could be an old high
Speaker 1: school coach, it could be an old church leader, whatever
Speaker 1: it is. I think if you just go up and
Speaker 1: just talk to someone and just literally open up and
Speaker 1: just be flat out honest.
Speaker 2: I think that in.
Speaker 1: General, complete honesty and transparency. There's a concept in alcoholics
Speaker 1: anonymous that you're as sick as your secrets. That has
Speaker 1: a lot to do with traumas just burying things, holding
Speaker 1: things in, and so I think from like a human
Speaker 1: growth perspective, the moment you just begin opening up about
Speaker 1: where you're at, how you're feeling, it's kind of like
Speaker 1: writing things in a journal. Once you have it out,
Speaker 1: you can actually start to look at it from a
Speaker 1: different perspective, and then you can start reshaping the meaning
Speaker 1: of it, and maybe you can even get the help
Speaker 1: of smart people to help you start rethinking it and
Speaker 1: maybe looking at it from a more of a hopeful
Speaker 1: perspective that you're not a bad person, you're not a loser,
Speaker 1: that these are crazy things that happen, but you could
Speaker 1: do something different about it. You can look at it differently,
Speaker 1: and ultimately your life still has purpose and meaning and
Speaker 1: you can still do something with it. I think that
Speaker 1: trauma is pretty misunderstood. Most people think that trauma is
Speaker 1: just so focused on the past. In my opinion, it's
Speaker 1: what actually trauma does to your future, because from my perspective,
Speaker 1: your view of your own future is the greatest determinant
Speaker 1: in who you are. Your view of your future is
Speaker 1: what impacts you. Put A lot of the research on
Speaker 1: trauma shows that it shatters your imagination towards your future
Speaker 1: and your hope in that future, and.
Speaker 2: That's, you know, the crucial thing.
Speaker 1: And so when I began kind of moving forward, I
Speaker 1: began to rethink my future and start to actually commit
Speaker 1: back to the idea that I could have a future.
Speaker 1: And so that's what ultimately led me to having those
Speaker 1: types of conversations and even being willing to go through
Speaker 1: that awkwardness or going through that change processes because I
Speaker 1: now saw a future that I actually was like, I
Speaker 1: want this. I believe that I can actually be something more. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I would say the past doesn't define the future for
Speaker 1: two reasons. One is because the past, from your perspective,
Speaker 1: at least from a psychology perspective, is just a meaning.
Speaker 1: Memory is always changing, It's always flexible, and so the
Speaker 1: version of your past that you have right now is
Speaker 1: probably different from the version of the past you had
Speaker 1: three or four years ago. Even thinking about the same events,
Speaker 1: and so the past is really just a story, it's
Speaker 1: just a meaning. Yeather were objective events that occurred, but
Speaker 1: you have no ability to actually know what those objective
Speaker 1: events were, because, as you know, from a psychology perspective,
Speaker 1: is all we can see is to our perspective, is
Speaker 1: all we can see is to our subjective lens. And
Speaker 1: so when you look, you know, anytime you learn something new,
Speaker 1: you read a book, you have a new experience that
Speaker 1: probably informs your view of everything else. It's like you
Speaker 1: change a part, you change the whole, And so kind
Speaker 1: of breaking memory down in a really simple way, your
Speaker 1: memory is always constructed in the present.
Speaker 2: You know who I am right now.
Speaker 1: I think about myself as an eleven year old boy
Speaker 1: with my parents getting divorced and my father becoming a
Speaker 1: drug addict. My view of that and the meaning I
Speaker 1: assigned to it, and even all of the context around
Speaker 1: those memories is completely painted by where I'm at right
Speaker 1: now as a person. The fact that I have a
Speaker 1: great relationship with my dad, the fact that I have
Speaker 1: all this knowledge in psychology, I've got five kids, like
Speaker 1: all of that reshapes how I look at and interpret
Speaker 1: my past. One challenge that people have is they're not
Speaker 1: actively approaching their past as a flexible entity, and so
Speaker 1: they tend to kind of relay the same story over
Speaker 1: and over, which doesn't necessarily help. But so one reason
Speaker 1: why the past is flexible is because it's simply just
Speaker 1: a meaning. It's a story, and your memory is always
Speaker 1: changing anyways, and your memory is always constructed in the present.
Speaker 2: So Brent's life, he's one of my favorite psychologists.
Speaker 1: He wrote a book called Time and Psychological Explanation Freaking
Speaker 1: Deep Dive. You would actually love it because I know
Speaker 1: you like diving deep into like thick stuff. But he
Speaker 1: basically says that, you know, a lot of people think
Speaker 1: that the past is causing the present, but the reality
Speaker 1: from a memory perspective is that the present is causing
Speaker 1: the meaning of the past. Wherever you're at in the present,
Speaker 1: that's what's determining how you view your past. And so
Speaker 1: if you learn, if you grow, if you you know,
Speaker 1: have achievements, if you just develop healthy relationships, it will
Speaker 1: alter the meaning in the view you have towards your past.
Speaker 1: And that's something you should seek in my opinion, if
Speaker 1: you're if you're still viewing the past and former relationships
Speaker 1: and former experiences the same way you did four or
Speaker 1: five years ago. That says more about who you are
Speaker 1: right now than it says about your past. It says
Speaker 1: that you're not learning, you're not gaining perspective, you're not
Speaker 1: seeking greater context, you're not asking hard questions. And so
Speaker 1: for me, as an example, I had to go and
Speaker 1: ask my dad, Dad, tell me all about your perspective
Speaker 1: of when you were a drug addict and when me
Speaker 1: and my brothers left you, Like, tell me what that
Speaker 1: was like. Tell me why you went and had those experiences.
Speaker 1: Tell me why you had made those decisions. Tell me
Speaker 1: what it felt like coming to mom's house and us
Speaker 1: slamming the door on your face.
Speaker 2: Like I that's seeking greater contexte.
Speaker 1: And obviously the more context you have towards someone, you
Speaker 1: have greater empathy and compassion. And so hearing his story,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I can kind of see what. I obviously
Speaker 1: wouldn't justify him doing it, but I can see to
Speaker 1: some reason why he did that. So that's one reason
Speaker 1: why the past is flexible, and we can obviously go
Speaker 1: into the mechanics of how to do that. But the
Speaker 1: second reason is because the past isn't what ultimately drives you,
Speaker 1: it is your future. So there's a quote from Dan Sulvan,
Speaker 1: one of my good buddies, and he says that the
Speaker 1: only way to make your present better is by making
Speaker 1: your future bigger, which is essentially a statement of perspection.
Speaker 1: But I think that one thing that's really important to
Speaker 1: realize is that your view of your own future is
Speaker 1: determined by your current level of awareness and understanding. You know, like,
Speaker 1: what futures I imagine are different from the futures I
Speaker 1: would have imagined three or four years ago because I
Speaker 1: now I'm a different person.
Speaker 2: I see the world differently.
Speaker 1: I've had a lot of experiences, I've got knowledge I
Speaker 1: didn't have them in a context, and so my view,
Speaker 1: even to imagine or come up with various future scenarios
Speaker 1: is fundamentally different than my former self, and my future
Speaker 1: self will be in the same boat. My future self
Speaker 1: will imagine different futures than my current self has because
Speaker 1: my future self has had experiences and knowledge and.
Speaker 2: Awareness that I just don't have.
Speaker 1: But I think you know, based on where you're currently
Speaker 1: at as a person, what do you value most? You know,
Speaker 1: what is a future worth having? What are things that
Speaker 1: you value that would ultimately be worth spending your time on.
Speaker 1: A big aspect of that is just thinking about your
Speaker 1: future identity, your future self. I think that that's generally
Speaker 1: the place to start is who do you want to be?
Speaker 1: What do you want your circumstances to be, what do
Speaker 1: you want to be doing? What do you value? Like,
Speaker 1: where do you want to be in the future. I
Speaker 1: think just imagining where you want to be, who you
Speaker 1: want to be, and what you want to be doing
Speaker 1: that's hopefully valuable, that's worth working towards or worth creating.
Speaker 1: I think that that's the first step is ultimately thinking
Speaker 1: about your future self, the person you want to be,
Speaker 1: the situation you want to have, and ultimately what you
Speaker 1: want to be doing that you can't do at this
Speaker 1: present moment for one reason or another. And so I
Speaker 1: think thinking about what's your next step. Like if you're
Speaker 1: what's the thing you want most right now? So like
Speaker 1: if you're someone who's single that really wants to be married, like, well,
Speaker 1: what you know, what is the ultimate thing you want
Speaker 1: right now that would reflect your future self at a
Speaker 1: much higher level than you're at right now. So like
Speaker 1: for me, as an example, when I was in undergrad
Speaker 1: and I was saying psychology, Like my next level of
Speaker 1: future self was me as a PhD student really diving
Speaker 1: into psychology once I got there, like I really really
Speaker 1: wanted to be a professional author, and so like I
Speaker 1: think from a more practical standpoint, like what is the
Speaker 1: next level future self that like really excites.
Speaker 2: You, you know, like what's you know?
Speaker 1: It could be getting married, or could be starting that
Speaker 1: business or having your business be successful, or could be
Speaker 1: getting that book deal, could be being an elite shape
Speaker 1: so that you're doing like those iron Mans. Whatever it
Speaker 1: is you want, Like, what is that next version of
Speaker 1: you that's the thing that you really really want? And
Speaker 1: then ultimately you can create a process to getting to there.
Speaker 1: But I think just thinking about what's you at that
Speaker 1: next step, which is obviously maybe a quantum leap or
Speaker 1: a next level up of your current stuff and what
Speaker 1: you really want. The gap in the game is basically
Speaker 1: an idea that if you're always measuring yourself against your ideal,
Speaker 1: you're always going to feel this gap between you and
Speaker 1: where you know, whatever your ideal is, and that's going
Speaker 1: to make you feel unhappy. Whereas if you measure yourself
Speaker 1: against your former self, where you were before, you'll see progress,
Speaker 1: you know. There's a quote from Ernest Hemingway and Ernest Hemingway,
Speaker 1: the author the novelist, said that nobility is not about
Speaker 1: being superior to your fellow man. True nobility is about
Speaker 1: being superior to your former self. So as an example,
Speaker 1: I have some really good friends of mine. They're in
Speaker 1: like their forties, They've got, you know, some kids and stuff,
Speaker 1: and they've had serious financial issues during COVID where he's
Speaker 1: like lost his job, She's gone through like this identity crisis,
Speaker 1: and they're kind of freaked out because they've got kids,
Speaker 1: and they're.
Speaker 2: Like, what the heck do we do?
Speaker 1: And I just asked them, you know, look at where
Speaker 1: you were like three or four months ago, Like, have
Speaker 1: you made any progress in the last four months towards
Speaker 1: getting yourself into a better financial situation? Is your relationship
Speaker 1: with each other better? Like where are you at versus
Speaker 1: your where you were four months ago? They're like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: we're in a much better situation, you know, like we've
Speaker 1: made big progress.
Speaker 2: And that's that's reflecting on.
Speaker 1: The gain of where you were versus where you're at
Speaker 1: right now, and that gives you a little sense of confidence.
Speaker 2: And a movement, you know.
Speaker 1: So I think that that's I think it's a good
Speaker 1: practice wherever you're at, whether you've made big success or
Speaker 1: whether you're small, is to actually like look at the
Speaker 1: progress that you've actually made. And I think that that
Speaker 1: really helps you to feel like it actually increases your hope.
Speaker 1: So it's looking at the good, focusing on the good,
Speaker 1: and saying, what can you do now because as of
Speaker 1: that