WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.080 I dropped my overnight bag just inside the door and 2 00:00:06.080 --> 00:00:08.679 breeze in the familiar wax and herb scent of our apartment. 3 00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:11.439 The sunday quite so different from the high pitched of 4 00:00:11.480 --> 00:00:13.720 a lapping laughter of my old college friends pressed close 5 00:00:13.759 --> 00:00:16.519 around me. I left my suitcisse mostly zipped, just peeling 6 00:00:16.519 --> 00:00:19.559 out my laptop charger and a rumbled silk scarf. Mark 7 00:00:19.600 --> 00:00:22.000 kept the lights low, even though dusk hadn't fully settled. 8 00:00:22.039 --> 00:00:24.640 The living room had its amber lampeyze, soft and urban 9 00:00:24.719 --> 00:00:27.519 and deep, slow beats filtered from his speaker. He didn't 10 00:00:27.559 --> 00:00:30.280 notice me at first, absorb behind his laptop, half faced 11 00:00:30.280 --> 00:00:33.240 towards the city. There was energy beneath his stillness, his 12 00:00:33.320 --> 00:00:35.159 sort of spring in his which was odd for man 13 00:00:35.200 --> 00:00:37.960 who once described Sunday evenings as pre Monday grief sessions 14 00:00:37.960 --> 00:00:40.759 in our wedding vows. I expected him to look up 15 00:00:40.799 --> 00:00:42.960 the second he heard the lock, but instead I got 16 00:00:42.960 --> 00:00:45.039 half way to the kitchen before his forest drifted across 17 00:00:45.079 --> 00:00:49.560 the room. Hey h good trip, Hey yeah loud, but 18 00:00:49.600 --> 00:00:52.200 I survived, I answered easy, my shoes off by the counter. 19 00:00:52.920 --> 00:00:55.159 I brought you that word cheese you like from Cora's Place. 20 00:00:55.880 --> 00:00:57.960 You hero of the hour, toss it in the fridge, 21 00:00:57.960 --> 00:01:00.000 thin cowl, right till late, so I'll need snacks, lie, 22 00:01:00.840 --> 00:01:03.799 He grinned at me a little too broadly. The impulse 23 00:01:03.880 --> 00:01:06.760 hit then, as it always did, wine a couch and 24 00:01:06.879 --> 00:01:10.200 noseguard essay, audibly fighting for room with Mark's playlist. I 25 00:01:10.239 --> 00:01:12.000 reached for the cabinet where we kept the bottles we 26 00:01:12.000 --> 00:01:14.560 don't share with strangers. It should have been there, the 27 00:01:14.560 --> 00:01:17.200 good peina brick red label, a small routine luxury we 28 00:01:17.239 --> 00:01:20.640 didn't use for guests. The shelf held older, fuller bottles, 29 00:01:20.640 --> 00:01:23.840 but my favorite was missing. I peered around, expecting to 30 00:01:23.879 --> 00:01:28.120 find it half drained but uncooked. Nothing. I finally called out, 31 00:01:28.400 --> 00:01:30.480 did we finish that pena last week? The one we 32 00:01:30.480 --> 00:01:33.480 were saving? Mark didn't look up from whatever he was typing. 33 00:01:34.000 --> 00:01:36.640 Imm a man the red that was last night? Actually sorry, 34 00:01:36.760 --> 00:01:39.000 had a mood and inspiration just hit. So I poured 35 00:01:39.000 --> 00:01:41.719 a glass, then another, promised myself one, swore I'd save 36 00:01:41.760 --> 00:01:43.959 you one, and well you know how it goes. I 37 00:01:44.040 --> 00:01:46.920 killed the bottle. He punctuated the admission with a chuckle 38 00:01:46.920 --> 00:01:51.200 that slid toward the cashle. Not sheepish, not apologetic, he 39 00:01:51.280 --> 00:01:54.599 launched right back into a screen. That was an expensive inspiration. 40 00:01:54.760 --> 00:01:58.120 I teas, hoping for a flash of shared guilt. Instead, 41 00:01:58.200 --> 00:02:00.879 he spun around in his chair, face of open and animated, 42 00:02:00.920 --> 00:02:02.519 and pulled me in for a quick kiss on the cheek. 43 00:02:03.239 --> 00:02:04.560 Just means you have to go out with me and 44 00:02:04.560 --> 00:02:07.560 buy the next bottle. Right, I'll pay, I promise. I 45 00:02:07.640 --> 00:02:11.240 wanted to laugh. Maybe I did, But something and how 46 00:02:11.280 --> 00:02:13.960 easiest cheerfulness seened. His refusal to linger to blush nagged 47 00:02:13.960 --> 00:02:16.520 at me. Normally malc cooffet a little drama if he 48 00:02:16.560 --> 00:02:18.960 overtook my favorite treats, a comic poem, a note on 49 00:02:19.000 --> 00:02:22.319 the fridge. Are distracted, whispered sorry while pulling me close. 50 00:02:23.120 --> 00:02:25.319 Now he was breezy, as if the bottle meant nothing. 51 00:02:25.919 --> 00:02:28.400 My fingers lingered on the stemless glass I'd intended to use. 52 00:02:29.080 --> 00:02:32.560 Did you at least toast me, he snorted, rolling his shoulders. 53 00:02:33.199 --> 00:02:35.439 I toasted your survival in the wiles of New Jersey? 54 00:02:35.560 --> 00:02:38.280 Tis that count? Honestly, it wasn't as fun drinking alone. 55 00:02:38.319 --> 00:02:40.840 Spent most of the night arguing with the slack demons anyway, 56 00:02:40.960 --> 00:02:43.719 Remember Daisy from LAYD. Whole channel devolved into jokes about 57 00:02:43.759 --> 00:02:46.479 chasing penguins and other madness. You'd appreciate how broken my 58 00:02:46.599 --> 00:02:49.240 editorial team is becoming. It's all means and sugar highs 59 00:02:49.840 --> 00:02:54.759 chasing penguins, I echoed. It didn't ring any bell. Normally 60 00:02:54.759 --> 00:02:58.280 his work stories were more editorial. Now he dropped some 61 00:02:58.360 --> 00:03:02.520 new idiom and only half explained. He shrugged inside joke. 62 00:03:02.680 --> 00:03:06.080 I guess, sorry, my brain's still mostly somewhere else. Before 63 00:03:06.080 --> 00:03:08.520 I could prod, he changed the music, standing to toss 64 00:03:08.520 --> 00:03:11.280 me another grin as he did. An up tempo jazz 65 00:03:11.280 --> 00:03:14.000 thing i'd never heard huffled into the air. He added, 66 00:03:14.080 --> 00:03:16.360 you looked higher, babe. Want to eat here? Or should 67 00:03:16.360 --> 00:03:19.280 I order something? He was already back to domestic mark 68 00:03:19.319 --> 00:03:22.759 on solicitous abeat. I ran a hand through my hair, 69 00:03:22.840 --> 00:03:25.719 letting myself move with his current. Let's just eat in. 70 00:03:25.879 --> 00:03:30.319 You pick tight, then he replied, decisive, already typing, and 71 00:03:30.439 --> 00:03:32.400 we'll make up for the wine next weekend if you 72 00:03:32.479 --> 00:03:35.240 promise not to abandon me for your mad friends. His 73 00:03:35.360 --> 00:03:38.199 laughter held a note of something I couldn't aim. Sometimes 74 00:03:38.240 --> 00:03:40.960 trust is just not noticing. But that night, as we 75 00:03:41.039 --> 00:03:42.840 settled on the couch for noodles and the remants of 76 00:03:42.840 --> 00:03:45.240 a net folk series. We'd both half abandoned. The Pinos 77 00:03:45.319 --> 00:03:48.120 absence gnawed at me. It wasn't the missing bottle, or 78 00:03:48.159 --> 00:03:50.960 even Mock's lack of apology. It was the breezy way 79 00:03:50.960 --> 00:03:53.080 he described his knight, as if something else, some one else, 80 00:03:53.080 --> 00:03:55.800 had been there for the tosting there's a safety in ritual. 81 00:03:56.400 --> 00:03:59.280 For us, it meant clinking glasses with one dish hand washed. 82 00:03:59.439 --> 00:04:01.319 But there's lit all moments between brush strokes of our 83 00:04:01.319 --> 00:04:04.199 collective life. Mark and I came together in that world, 84 00:04:04.199 --> 00:04:06.560 the late night readings, the clatter of plastic cups at 85 00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:09.759 release parties, the swell of literary gossip. He was the 86 00:04:09.800 --> 00:04:11.960 first person to see me as both serious and sly. 87 00:04:12.800 --> 00:04:15.479 Evenings and cafays turned into doll on in each other's arms, 88 00:04:15.639 --> 00:04:18.519 and over the years our partnership became a tandem negotiation 89 00:04:18.560 --> 00:04:21.560 between his lud charisma and my quieter observation. He was 90 00:04:21.600 --> 00:04:24.519 the darling of every magazine party, witty Lee's shouldered, a 91 00:04:24.600 --> 00:04:27.519 hand always stretched out for the next person arriving. I'd 92 00:04:27.519 --> 00:04:29.759 always see myself as his counterwait, t anchoring us back 93 00:04:29.800 --> 00:04:32.439 from the endless networking, the tactical banter, the performance art 94 00:04:32.439 --> 00:04:35.160 of self promotion, that kept us both employed. I grew 95 00:04:35.240 --> 00:04:37.079 up learning to read a room before speaking in it. 96 00:04:37.199 --> 00:04:39.319 Mark grew up walking into every room with something clever 97 00:04:39.399 --> 00:04:43.040 to say. Our circle of friends, almost all urbanized, accidental 98 00:04:43.120 --> 00:04:46.759 lifers in the industry, rotated through apartments, pop up exhibitions, readings, 99 00:04:46.920 --> 00:04:49.959 little roofed up birth the affairs. Most of us, like 100 00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:52.439 Mark and me, were couples, but unofficial. No kids cluttering 101 00:04:52.480 --> 00:04:56.160 up our calendar, creative ambitions inject We moved in waves, 102 00:04:56.240 --> 00:05:00.720 sometimes closer, sometimes drifting. Sometimes Mark and Lucas tradings, speculative fiction, 103 00:05:00.800 --> 00:05:03.800 jokes at ture m Sometimes me and Nod swapping favorite 104 00:05:03.879 --> 00:05:06.600 essays in the corner. A life together built itself the 105 00:05:06.600 --> 00:05:08.959 way only two people chasing similar dreams could equal pots, 106 00:05:09.000 --> 00:05:12.079 competitive and loving. Mark's magazine was on a roll lately, 107 00:05:12.079 --> 00:05:16.199 big spreads, viral listicals, ambitious new hiring. Mine in that 108 00:05:16.279 --> 00:05:19.480 same year, hit setbacks, new leadership, budget cuts, endless of 109 00:05:19.480 --> 00:05:22.920 strategy conversations in the private corners of our kitchen, I 110 00:05:23.000 --> 00:05:25.920 confided in him. He draw me near quit some ancient 111 00:05:25.920 --> 00:05:28.399 tweet remind me this industry shows up every one. Sometimes, 112 00:05:29.000 --> 00:05:31.480 He told me once that create a boundaries scared the 113 00:05:31.480 --> 00:05:34.680 hell out of him. Everybody says, don't mix writing and romance, 114 00:05:34.879 --> 00:05:37.240 or work in life or whatever, But what else is there? 115 00:05:37.279 --> 00:05:39.399 Every collaboration is a little bit of both. There are 116 00:05:39.399 --> 00:05:42.199 too many blowed lines in this world. Han, he said 117 00:05:42.199 --> 00:05:43.920 this line on our rope, with his head in my lap, 118 00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:48.160 right before I fell asleep. At the time, I felt profound. Now, 119 00:05:48.319 --> 00:05:51.639 six years after our wedding and a thousand organizational icebreakers later, 120 00:05:51.720 --> 00:05:54.319 I still clung to the rituals. Celebratory dinners are out 121 00:05:54.360 --> 00:05:57.439 of the way places, extravagant note stache in books, little 122 00:05:57.439 --> 00:06:00.680 congratulations on surviving. Monday flowers brought home every so often 123 00:06:01.000 --> 00:06:04.120 there were things reguarded to from me that meant keeping 124 00:06:04.160 --> 00:06:07.040 Sunday morning sacred to coffee, slow breakfast. The time spread 125 00:06:07.040 --> 00:06:10.600 out like a quilt for mark. It was created, a space, messyplaylist, 126 00:06:10.800 --> 00:06:13.120 a tap tap of keys into the night, whisky poured 127 00:06:13.120 --> 00:06:15.800 into our best glasses for no reason. We'd mapped out 128 00:06:15.800 --> 00:06:18.759 our differences and folded them carefully into the domestic compromise. 129 00:06:19.439 --> 00:06:22.160 Both of us understood, at least how easily one could 130 00:06:22.160 --> 00:06:24.439 start to leave the other outwork parties. You forgot to 131 00:06:24.439 --> 00:06:27.879 invite your spouse to your flirtation saken for collaboration. Trust 132 00:06:27.959 --> 00:06:30.800 wasn't automatic, but overtime it grew into the air between us, 133 00:06:30.839 --> 00:06:34.000 invisible and thick. That's why, as the credits rolled and 134 00:06:34.000 --> 00:06:36.120 Mark shifted his attention back to his laptop with a 135 00:06:36.160 --> 00:06:39.519 distracted God, I'm so behind, I started a mental note. 136 00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:43.920 Not anger, not even worry, just the faintest scrip against 137 00:06:43.959 --> 00:06:47.079 something smooth. The next day, I left the apartment earlier 138 00:06:47.079 --> 00:06:49.720 than usual. My first attention was to reclaim normalcy, maybe 139 00:06:49.720 --> 00:06:51.920 get to my emails before the sleep deprive. Monday panic 140 00:06:51.959 --> 00:06:54.800 set in. Mark was still dozing when I left, sprawled 141 00:06:54.800 --> 00:06:57.560 diagonally across the bed under a twisted blue sheet. He'd 142 00:06:57.560 --> 00:06:59.920 always slept like a child at camp, limbs at odd angles, 143 00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:02.279 jaw slack has, spilling across a pillow, as if he'd 144 00:07:02.319 --> 00:07:04.279 rolled straight out of French New Way Film and on 145 00:07:04.319 --> 00:07:07.399 to West twenty second Street. We had little routines around 146 00:07:07.399 --> 00:07:10.399 morning's too. He made eggs or biggels, but only if 147 00:07:10.399 --> 00:07:12.959 he was up first. On my way out, I stuck 148 00:07:12.959 --> 00:07:15.800 a sticky note on his phone. When the day underneath 149 00:07:15.839 --> 00:07:19.240 a dumcutcheon penguin, I doodled without thinking that evening I 150 00:07:19.319 --> 00:07:21.399 met Mark at a gallery opening one of those things 151 00:07:21.399 --> 00:07:24.040 you say, yester, before remembering how artificial most of these 152 00:07:24.040 --> 00:07:27.480 conversations feel. The place glowed with cheap white wine and irony. 153 00:07:28.040 --> 00:07:30.639 Mark was already talking loudly to a small group Hans, 154 00:07:30.639 --> 00:07:32.800 making big circles in the air, telling a story about 155 00:07:32.800 --> 00:07:36.920 his office sinking into recursive, mean driven madness. We chased penguins, 156 00:07:36.959 --> 00:07:40.360 he laughed, don't ask. People around him grinned, a few 157 00:07:40.439 --> 00:07:43.519 even nudged each other. I smiled, letting my face match 158 00:07:43.560 --> 00:07:45.560 the energy. But I didn't quite land on the memory. 159 00:07:46.079 --> 00:07:48.560 The phrase had come up last night. Clearly it was 160 00:07:48.600 --> 00:07:51.399 an in joke, and I wasn't in anet. Mark saw me, 161 00:07:51.519 --> 00:07:53.439 swept me over with a there's my brilliant wife and 162 00:07:53.480 --> 00:07:56.439 put his arm around my waist. Hannah, you'd love this, 163 00:07:56.560 --> 00:07:59.360 Serenes praying her finger opening lacoiet and we all ended 164 00:07:59.399 --> 00:08:01.920 up drawing peg winds on her bandage. Lucas keeps sending 165 00:08:01.920 --> 00:08:04.800 her in tactic memes. I laughed, but I watched, just 166 00:08:04.839 --> 00:08:07.879 for a moment, how he said her name, Doreena. He 167 00:08:07.920 --> 00:08:10.160 described her the way he described any bright new friend 168 00:08:10.160 --> 00:08:12.519 from work. His eyes during that semi private trinkle, he 169 00:08:12.600 --> 00:08:15.199 usually reserved for conversations just between the two of us. 170 00:08:15.920 --> 00:08:19.240 I'd never met Serena, not in any memorable way. He 171 00:08:19.360 --> 00:08:22.120 checked his phone and grinned, reading some apparently funny criip 172 00:08:22.120 --> 00:08:25.600 from his screen. I tried not to overthink it. Our 173 00:08:25.639 --> 00:08:28.680 friend groups blurred all the time. New names entered the 174 00:08:28.680 --> 00:08:31.920 maps of our lives, sometimes sticking, sometimes evaporating after a 175 00:08:31.959 --> 00:08:36.120 single launch. Still, he pivoted quickly, arm sweeping wide as 176 00:08:36.120 --> 00:08:39.519 he recanted another messy editorial blooper, this time starring Luca's, 177 00:08:39.559 --> 00:08:42.759 but returned to Serena's name before the end. Anyway, Serena said, 178 00:08:42.799 --> 00:08:44.960 at first, and she wins the group chat for the week. 179 00:08:45.080 --> 00:08:48.919 No contest, he laughed again, glancing down at his messages, 180 00:08:49.559 --> 00:08:52.879 oppress lightly. Has Serena always been on your team? He 181 00:08:52.879 --> 00:08:55.919 shook his head. Efficient, breezy. She's a ringer from the 182 00:08:55.919 --> 00:08:59.080 other side, cross editorial meetings, all that were merging, some 183 00:08:59.159 --> 00:09:02.559 columns more that I can stand. She's all right, super sharp. 184 00:09:03.080 --> 00:09:05.000 He didn't catch my glance, or if he did, he 185 00:09:05.039 --> 00:09:07.960 played it off. Soon we were thumbing through tiny crackers, 186 00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:11.039 making polite noises to people we barely remembered. But when 187 00:09:11.080 --> 00:09:13.600 a party's social engine faultered our love between sets, I 188 00:09:13.639 --> 00:09:16.799 noticed mucklingered near Serena while I talked to Naudia. Their 189 00:09:16.840 --> 00:09:19.679 voices didn't carry, but Serena is laughed, Nincho, it's way over. 190 00:09:20.360 --> 00:09:22.480 When it came time to leave, Mark was a little 191 00:09:22.519 --> 00:09:25.279 too affectionate, making a theatrical show of wrapping his arm 192 00:09:25.320 --> 00:09:27.080 around my back as we wind through the puddle dey 193 00:09:27.080 --> 00:09:30.279 pro sidewalks. It was a slightly forced gesture, the kind 194 00:09:30.320 --> 00:09:33.159 my therapists liked to call a performative repair. Maybe I 195 00:09:33.240 --> 00:09:35.759 was being paranoid, or maybe Mark was just flush with 196 00:09:35.759 --> 00:09:39.000 gallery wine and the unstable sweetness of Monday night. I 197 00:09:39.039 --> 00:09:42.480 considered pressing about Serena right then. Instead, I told him 198 00:09:42.480 --> 00:09:44.759 about my boss's lates spreadsheet fiasco and let the city 199 00:09:44.799 --> 00:09:47.799 swallow my doubts for a night. Tuesday afternoon, I left 200 00:09:47.840 --> 00:09:51.320 work early, an unexpected dead line miracle. Mark, always trusted 201 00:09:51.320 --> 00:09:53.000 to work from home, had said he be on calls 202 00:09:53.039 --> 00:09:56.279 until at least six. I opened the apartment quietly, half 203 00:09:56.279 --> 00:09:59.320 hoping to catch a mid ramble about word counts. Instead, 204 00:09:59.399 --> 00:10:02.480 the entire place radiated with her weird, almost festive energy. 205 00:10:02.519 --> 00:10:05.240 His playlis thundered in the office a ride of jazz riffs. 206 00:10:05.840 --> 00:10:07.759 On my way to the bedroom for a miscarff, I 207 00:10:07.799 --> 00:10:09.679 passed the office door and caught a flush from his 208 00:10:09.759 --> 00:10:12.919 laptop just as he stepped up for water messenger window 209 00:10:12.919 --> 00:10:15.679 in the corner. Serena. My movement made him jump, but 210 00:10:15.759 --> 00:10:20.200 he recovered. Hey, babe, coffee, run want anything. His tone 211 00:10:20.200 --> 00:10:22.480 felt slightly brittle, higher than usual as he snapped his 212 00:10:22.519 --> 00:10:26.320 laptop closed. Ah, no, I'm good you Working with Serena 213 00:10:26.320 --> 00:10:30.559 to day, I sat carefully casual. He grinned a bit sheepish, 214 00:10:31.120 --> 00:10:33.840 trying to wrangle her into meeting deadlines. She's chaos like 215 00:10:33.960 --> 00:10:36.720 editing with a weather app. I returned a smile, but 216 00:10:36.799 --> 00:10:39.080 as he ducked out the answer capt eckoing in my head. 217 00:10:39.639 --> 00:10:42.720 He barely said Serena's name a week ago. Now. He 218 00:10:42.759 --> 00:10:44.879 spun a joke and shut his laptop instead of showing 219 00:10:44.879 --> 00:10:47.960 me his latest column. The small distance registered only as 220 00:10:47.960 --> 00:10:50.840 a prickle for now. I. Thursday, Mark claimed he'd be 221 00:10:50.840 --> 00:10:53.159 out late day work meeting three blocks from our place. 222 00:10:53.840 --> 00:10:56.080 Could run till nine were just fizzling to tie and 223 00:10:56.080 --> 00:10:59.200 commiseration held texaf at stay up. He came home at 224 00:10:59.240 --> 00:11:02.159 ten thirty, smelling not quite like whisky, but something richer, 225 00:11:02.240 --> 00:11:04.200 fruitious send I knew from her tail borrows down near 226 00:11:04.279 --> 00:11:07.440 Hudson Yards. No food bag with him, just a single 227 00:11:07.480 --> 00:11:11.759 takeout container with one order. Mostly eden. Long meeting, I asked, 228 00:11:12.039 --> 00:11:14.080 folding a blanket on the catch while he shrugged out 229 00:11:14.120 --> 00:11:18.279 of his jacket. Pretty teedies. Honestly, Serena overcaffeinated the group 230 00:11:18.320 --> 00:11:20.559 and everybody lost the plot. Halfway through, I ducked out 231 00:11:20.559 --> 00:11:24.240 early grout food. He was tired, looser, leaning into the story. 232 00:11:24.799 --> 00:11:26.320 Part of a fight I wanted to pick who gets 233 00:11:26.360 --> 00:11:30.519 take up for one on a two person salary, just fizzled. Instead. 234 00:11:30.559 --> 00:11:32.600 I followed him to the kitchen, kissed him on the neck, 235 00:11:32.799 --> 00:11:36.000 and said, maybe next time you bring extra needles deal, 236 00:11:36.120 --> 00:11:38.639 He said, I is not quite meeting mine. The next 237 00:11:38.759 --> 00:11:40.840 night was the launch party for my magazine, specially as 238 00:11:40.840 --> 00:11:43.279 she possibly all last the way, layoffs kept rumbling in 239 00:11:43.360 --> 00:11:46.519 the distance. Mark came with me, along with a codder 240 00:11:46.559 --> 00:11:48.240 of friends and the two or three people who still 241 00:11:48.240 --> 00:11:51.919 cared about paper issues. He moved among groupings, carrying drinks, 242 00:11:51.960 --> 00:11:54.159 trading jokes with Lucas and Serena. Yes there she was 243 00:11:54.240 --> 00:11:56.440 now scraping the rim of a wineglass with one finger 244 00:11:56.480 --> 00:11:57.879 as she spoke to him, with her head just a 245 00:11:57.919 --> 00:12:00.960 touch too near his arm. I watched the body language. 246 00:12:01.000 --> 00:12:04.440 Nothing avert but careful, Aileen, and that was close, just 247 00:12:04.519 --> 00:12:08.000 short of intimate. I drifted over, introducing myself with a quick, 248 00:12:08.120 --> 00:12:12.200 warm handsache. Surina smiled tightly, then slipped out within seconds. 249 00:12:12.879 --> 00:12:15.799 The conversation between us lasted maybe twenty syllables, none of 250 00:12:15.799 --> 00:12:18.799 which I can perfectly recal. If I'd been a less 251 00:12:18.799 --> 00:12:21.879 patient person, I'd have imagined she was running away. I 252 00:12:22.000 --> 00:12:26.720 turned to Mark. She always is shay, He sipped his drink. Nah, 253 00:12:27.000 --> 00:12:29.320 just new to our brand of chaos. Don't take it personally. 254 00:12:29.360 --> 00:12:32.720 She's weired about big crowds, He turned the conversation, pulling 255 00:12:32.759 --> 00:12:35.720 me into the group. Laughing louder than usual. He told 256 00:12:35.720 --> 00:12:37.600 a joke that finished with a Hanna always knows the 257 00:12:37.639 --> 00:12:40.240 punchline before anyone else does, and pressed my hand for 258 00:12:40.279 --> 00:12:42.919 the crowd to see. He drew attention to us, reminding 259 00:12:42.960 --> 00:12:46.559 friends we were together, married, happy. I wondered whether he'd 260 00:12:46.600 --> 00:12:48.759 kiss me more times that evening in public than he 261 00:12:48.799 --> 00:12:52.639 had in private all week later. Walking home, he was quieter. 262 00:12:53.360 --> 00:12:56.159 I almost ask, are you sleeping with her, but the 263 00:12:56.159 --> 00:12:59.879 words felt prittle, thecused torry, I'll earned instead, I talk 264 00:13:00.080 --> 00:13:02.720 about the special insert about Noddy's speech about the endless 265 00:13:02.720 --> 00:13:06.039 Reorgate work. Over the next few days, his explanations for 266 00:13:06.039 --> 00:13:10.279 Miss Dinners were increasingly vague. Brainstorming sessions, last second networking drinks, 267 00:13:10.799 --> 00:13:12.679 he takes that he was a drowning and slat, but 268 00:13:12.759 --> 00:13:14.600 posts from a rooftop bar that didn't look like his 269 00:13:14.639 --> 00:13:19.080 Staf's regular haunts. Once scrolling through Instagram, a Saucerenus posted 270 00:13:19.080 --> 00:13:21.399 the blur of two glasses and under them a hard 271 00:13:21.399 --> 00:13:25.679 back book. I recognized in the margin inscription quick blocky, 272 00:13:25.799 --> 00:13:31.720 almost illegible, mark's handwriting. Yes, no last name acquired. I 273 00:13:31.759 --> 00:13:34.559 closed out of the app pulse running. The inscription could 274 00:13:34.559 --> 00:13:38.200 have meant team present maybe or editorial gift. Yet there 275 00:13:38.240 --> 00:13:40.759 was intimacy in a way. The photo was staged. No faces, 276 00:13:41.000 --> 00:13:43.639 just hands, two wine glasses pressed close and that book 277 00:13:43.639 --> 00:13:46.480 between them, like a secret, the same book. Mark once 278 00:13:46.519 --> 00:13:48.759 said we'd read together when the world was less busy. 279 00:13:49.320 --> 00:13:52.039 I waited two days, then casually asked Naudia about Serena 280 00:13:52.039 --> 00:13:54.440 after our shift at the coffee shop. Naudua, always neutral, 281 00:13:54.559 --> 00:13:58.360 always diplomatic. She's just another editor, Naudgya assured me, too, 282 00:13:58.440 --> 00:14:01.879 quickly glancing away to swipe at her nice enough keeped 283 00:14:01.960 --> 00:14:06.320 mostly to herself, subject closed. At home that night, Mark 284 00:14:06.399 --> 00:14:09.360 was oddly attentive, overcompensating, perhaps with a rush of homey 285 00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:11.200 posset and a playlist of music he used to play 286 00:14:11.200 --> 00:14:14.240 me when we first started dating. I let myself enjoy it, 287 00:14:14.440 --> 00:14:17.240 watching him like candles and spin a story about office antics. 288 00:14:17.919 --> 00:14:20.480 Yet when his phone vibrated, he reached for it, glanced 289 00:14:20.480 --> 00:14:22.840 at the name, and then tugged it face down, asking 290 00:14:22.919 --> 00:14:26.120 do you need anything for tomorrow? Mionnees was now constant, 291 00:14:26.159 --> 00:14:28.759 but hard to pin down. It was everything and nothing, 292 00:14:28.799 --> 00:14:31.279 the careful body language, the new names and stories, the 293 00:14:31.279 --> 00:14:34.399 guarded phone. Once, at two in the morning, awoke to 294 00:14:34.440 --> 00:14:36.679 find him still in the living room, scrolling through something 295 00:14:36.759 --> 00:14:39.600 under a blue cloth. He slipped back to bed without words, 296 00:14:39.600 --> 00:14:42.639 curling toward me in the dark. On Saturday, I cleaned 297 00:14:42.639 --> 00:14:46.000 the kitchener ritual in the trash, a beauty hotel napkin 298 00:14:46.120 --> 00:14:49.360 folded into quarters, logo visible. It was from a place 299 00:14:49.399 --> 00:14:51.440 neither of us had ever visited together, but the date 300 00:14:51.480 --> 00:14:53.399 written in the back match that tea and dinner night 301 00:14:53.440 --> 00:14:56.480 Mark was away. I opened our shared streamy account as 302 00:14:56.480 --> 00:14:59.120 a distraction, meaning to clear out the continued watching list. 303 00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:02.799 The last stream film wasn't our usual action trash nor 304 00:15:02.840 --> 00:15:05.440 the Spanish mystery at Qued. It was a gentle, romantic 305 00:15:05.480 --> 00:15:08.519 indie one we'd promise to say for a weekend. Someone 306 00:15:08.519 --> 00:15:11.720 had watched the final five minutes. I remember standing in 307 00:15:11.720 --> 00:15:14.360 the kitchen, spoon and hand, suddenly not feeling hungry at all. 308 00:15:14.960 --> 00:15:18.879 As weeks passed, our Sunday morning ritual evaporated. Mark claimed 309 00:15:18.879 --> 00:15:21.360 he needed to get ahead, which really meant scrolling Twitter 310 00:15:21.480 --> 00:15:24.879 or writing emails before noon. Our breakfasts were now solo, 311 00:15:25.000 --> 00:15:27.879 me quietly reading while he muttered himself in the next room. 312 00:15:28.159 --> 00:15:31.320 I started keeping a mental calendar, cross referencing Mark's editing 313 00:15:31.399 --> 00:15:34.840 nights with social posts, matching stories with photos in the background. 314 00:15:35.440 --> 00:15:39.080 Little inconsistencies unraveled, almost gentle in their dissolution. Mention of 315 00:15:39.120 --> 00:15:41.519 a bar and knew he never liked laughter about inside 316 00:15:41.559 --> 00:15:44.080 jokes that made no sense to me, stories about colleagues 317 00:15:44.080 --> 00:15:47.559 had never met. Our mutual friends. Started referencing moments I 318 00:15:47.600 --> 00:15:50.919 hadn't witnessed. Lucas tees Mark about his vagus night at 319 00:15:50.919 --> 00:15:53.960 the East Village. Noddy mentioned as karaoke come back events. 320 00:15:53.960 --> 00:15:57.279 Mark's said, will work nothing more. I smiled through it, 321 00:15:57.320 --> 00:15:59.720 but inside I assembled puzzle pieces that refused to lock. 322 00:16:00.519 --> 00:16:02.840 I wanted to be run. I wanted this to be 323 00:16:02.919 --> 00:16:06.720 gardened variety, neglect, not betrayal. One Friday, after Mark left 324 00:16:06.759 --> 00:16:09.039 for just a quick brainstorm at Serenas, I noticed his 325 00:16:09.080 --> 00:16:11.919 work laptop open on the sofa. There was a document 326 00:16:12.039 --> 00:16:14.679 entitled several short Stands as clearly omitted to open to 327 00:16:14.679 --> 00:16:18.559 a poem. I didn't recognize first person, soft and longing. 328 00:16:19.200 --> 00:16:21.279 It closed with a line as his voice in the duck, 329 00:16:21.440 --> 00:16:24.240 half a city away. He'd never written poems from me, 330 00:16:24.919 --> 00:16:28.120 not for years. Somehow it felt like less than evidence, 331 00:16:28.159 --> 00:16:31.279 and yet more. That night I told myself to trust him, 332 00:16:31.320 --> 00:16:34.000 clinging to his assurances from months before. The only boundaries 333 00:16:34.000 --> 00:16:35.759 that matter are the ones you keep with your person. 334 00:16:35.840 --> 00:16:38.360 Hen I turned over the old and threatened faith I 335 00:16:38.440 --> 00:16:40.559 had that Mark always confided in me, true as the 336 00:16:40.600 --> 00:16:44.320 city's dawn. Instead, he came home, smelling of gin and unas, 337 00:16:44.399 --> 00:16:47.440 curling up beside me like nothing had shifted. He asked 338 00:16:47.440 --> 00:16:50.000 about my magazine with what sounded like real worry, but 339 00:16:50.039 --> 00:16:53.440 I couldn't answer fully. Two days later, while washing sheets, 340 00:16:53.559 --> 00:16:55.639 I found a small receipt tucked in his jean's pocket. 341 00:16:56.120 --> 00:16:59.559 The name at the top Lyndon Hotel roofed up two cocktails, 342 00:16:59.600 --> 00:17:03.000 two up Tizer's one dessert date matched the Friday had 343 00:17:03.039 --> 00:17:05.680 worked late and suggested take out, which Mark had declined. 344 00:17:06.359 --> 00:17:09.400 He'd claimed a late scene with Lucas. I kept the proof. 345 00:17:10.079 --> 00:17:13.319 I didn't confront him yet. I rationed my questions, letting 346 00:17:13.359 --> 00:17:15.519 his stories accumulate while I trapped the little holes, the 347 00:17:15.599 --> 00:17:18.279 gaps between what I knew and what I heard. That week, 348 00:17:18.359 --> 00:17:20.839 as the apartment brightened with spring flowers, I bought myself 349 00:17:21.000 --> 00:17:24.440 open windows, sunheading our Booksheff. I notice Mark becoming more attentive, 350 00:17:24.519 --> 00:17:27.960 almost cliny. He'd ask if I needed anything, text mememes 351 00:17:27.960 --> 00:17:30.880 from across the apartment, but every time I entered a room, 352 00:17:31.039 --> 00:17:33.799 his phone was turned over, his laptop screen already shifted 353 00:17:33.799 --> 00:17:36.559 to a blank tab. I counted every change like someone 354 00:17:36.599 --> 00:17:39.799 trying to measure rising water on the floor. Sunday breakfast 355 00:17:39.960 --> 00:17:44.240 now gone, Casual affection replaced by public overtures, loud jokes, 356 00:17:44.359 --> 00:17:47.799 over zealous hand holding, its social events. Every quiet moment 357 00:17:47.839 --> 00:17:51.519 between us now flickered with performance, and still no direct evidence. 358 00:17:52.240 --> 00:17:54.279 Nothing I could take to any one and confess I'm 359 00:17:54.279 --> 00:17:58.079 being left behind. When I finally mentioned mine's things feel off? Mark, 360 00:17:58.240 --> 00:18:00.440 are we just busy or something wrong? He dropped his 361 00:18:00.480 --> 00:18:03.920 pee and looked at me, eyes wide, so attentive. Nothing's wrong, 362 00:18:04.119 --> 00:18:07.079 just chaos far my anchor. You know that ride? He 363 00:18:07.200 --> 00:18:12.039 sounded genuine. Maybe he was. That night he suggested spontaneous. 364 00:18:12.079 --> 00:18:14.240 We can't get away. We left the city for a 365 00:18:14.279 --> 00:18:15.960 short drive up state. Two nights in a bed and 366 00:18:16.000 --> 00:18:18.640 breakfast chocolate corossues brought to the room the gentle pressure 367 00:18:18.680 --> 00:18:21.720 of old, familiar laughter. He tucked his feet into mine 368 00:18:21.799 --> 00:18:24.119 under the covers, read bad puns from the local paper, 369 00:18:24.200 --> 00:18:27.160 whispered pet naanes into my hair before sleep. By Monday, 370 00:18:27.200 --> 00:18:29.839 the apartment felt warmer, and Mark was a little more himself. 371 00:18:30.359 --> 00:18:33.680 Healinged over coffee. Remember to restock my favorite yogurt, even 372 00:18:33.680 --> 00:18:36.000 if me a new note world's best breakfast engineer in 373 00:18:36.039 --> 00:18:39.200 a fridge. I moved through our home lighter. My suspicions 374 00:18:39.240 --> 00:18:43.000 temporarily folded away. That week, a friend's birthday, I watched 375 00:18:43.000 --> 00:18:45.920 Mark tell story with such animated color about our third anniversary. 376 00:18:45.960 --> 00:18:48.240 A Cabby mishap bear that never existed did that. I 377 00:18:48.279 --> 00:18:51.920 nearly teared up. The punch line was ours alone. Sirena 378 00:18:52.039 --> 00:18:55.000 was there across the room, listening. She caught my eye, 379 00:18:55.039 --> 00:18:58.359 just for a second. There was a look on her face, distant, rehearsed, 380 00:18:58.400 --> 00:19:01.480 almost pitying. I tried to decode it, but she turned 381 00:19:01.480 --> 00:19:04.200 away before I could read more. When we returned home, 382 00:19:04.319 --> 00:19:08.240 Mark showered, guilt or something darker prodded me. I reached 383 00:19:08.240 --> 00:19:11.599 for his phone, feeling sick as I did a single text, 384 00:19:11.920 --> 00:19:15.559 recent and simple from Serena same time on Thursday. I 385 00:19:15.559 --> 00:19:17.759 stared until I heard water shut off, then set the 386 00:19:17.799 --> 00:19:20.759 phone down, ice running up my arms. The next morning, 387 00:19:20.759 --> 00:19:24.440 at work, I did nothing but replay our conversations, matching 388 00:19:24.440 --> 00:19:28.400 words to movements. Something was happening, but every time I 389 00:19:28.480 --> 00:19:30.960 reached for proof, all I had were half glimpse exchanges, 390 00:19:31.119 --> 00:19:34.519 overlapping denials. I made a decision. If I was going 391 00:19:34.519 --> 00:19:36.960 to ruin something, I do it untruef not on suspicion. 392 00:19:37.440 --> 00:19:39.720 That evening, when Mark claimed he'd be late again for 393 00:19:39.839 --> 00:19:42.839 editorial drinks, I took a different tack. I showed up 394 00:19:42.880 --> 00:19:46.039 at the bar he named, scanning booths and faces. He 395 00:19:46.119 --> 00:19:49.880 wasn't there. Serena's office was just four blocks away. I 396 00:19:49.920 --> 00:19:52.200 didn't go in, didn't need to. I waited in the 397 00:19:52.240 --> 00:19:55.640 coffee shop across the street, watching the door. Thirty minutes 398 00:19:55.680 --> 00:19:58.000 later through plate glass, in the flurry of post work movement, 399 00:19:58.079 --> 00:20:02.119 Mack and Serena merged together, laughing, no affection, nothing physical, 400 00:20:02.720 --> 00:20:04.599 but her hand lingered on his sleeve in a way that, 401 00:20:04.839 --> 00:20:07.880