WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.360 The rain had started just after lunch, tapping at the 2 00:00:06.360 --> 00:00:09.880 wide living room windows, inner hippock fits. By five, the 3 00:00:09.919 --> 00:00:12.439 city was rinsed, pedestrians with tight rope, walking carbadges of 4 00:00:12.480 --> 00:00:14.720 a shiny black run off, and brellas blooming and clothing. 5 00:00:15.240 --> 00:00:17.600 I love days like this, at least from inside. The 6 00:00:17.679 --> 00:00:20.359 hush and bright the street light switching on early. It 7 00:00:20.440 --> 00:00:23.239 made the apartment, with its peeling teal walls, thrifted persian 8 00:00:23.320 --> 00:00:25.640 rug and warm lump light, feel even more like shelter. 9 00:00:26.280 --> 00:00:28.719 I was chopping mushrooms at our little kitchen island sleeve, 10 00:00:28.839 --> 00:00:31.199 rolled up music on low hands, moving by memory to 11 00:00:31.320 --> 00:00:33.719 night's many was a little jet stop from necessity, mostly 12 00:00:33.799 --> 00:00:37.240 things we had on hand. Thursdays were always open table 13 00:00:37.840 --> 00:00:40.320 in theory. Any friend might tax out any hour. Are 14 00:00:40.359 --> 00:00:43.560 you cooking? Do you need dessert? Sometimes it was six 15 00:00:43.600 --> 00:00:46.200 friends talking at once, sometimes just me in pre over 16 00:00:46.240 --> 00:00:49.439 boxed wine. Jordan and I had started it years ago 17 00:00:49.520 --> 00:00:51.520 when we couldn't really afford dinner out, and it just 18 00:00:51.640 --> 00:00:54.479 never stopped. I was rinsing the rice when my fund 19 00:00:54.520 --> 00:00:58.039 sutted against the counter. Jordan's name with the beastparkle heart 20 00:00:58.079 --> 00:01:01.880 he'd picked popped up collect running late, don't wait up 21 00:01:01.880 --> 00:01:06.560 for me? Sorry three. I stared at it, phone in 22 00:01:06.640 --> 00:01:09.560 one's slippery hand for a moment. The kitchen got quieter, 23 00:01:09.680 --> 00:01:12.760 like I had stepped outside myself. The past few weeks, 24 00:01:12.920 --> 00:01:15.680 he'd been missing all of these nights. The excuse was 25 00:01:15.719 --> 00:01:18.840 the new cooperative up space Indigo House, where Jordan had 26 00:01:18.840 --> 00:01:20.920 thrown himself in as if it were an audition for Saint. 27 00:01:20.920 --> 00:01:26.040 It'd organizing fundraising murals, lighting late meetings, endless workspace politics. 28 00:01:26.640 --> 00:01:29.359 He'd grown vague even in his energy, returning home hours 29 00:01:29.400 --> 00:01:32.640 after anyone else would as bright and feverish but weirdly 30 00:01:32.640 --> 00:01:36.159 hard to reach. But he loved it, didn't he Maybe 31 00:01:36.159 --> 00:01:38.359 I was just jealous of how thorough his passion became 32 00:01:38.959 --> 00:01:42.000 od defensive because my own freelance calendar was mostly blank 33 00:01:42.079 --> 00:01:45.760 this month. The buzzer blair making me jump, mark up, 34 00:01:45.799 --> 00:01:48.920 light us up, its pouring Priya's voice, followed by the 35 00:01:49.000 --> 00:01:51.400 erratic wine of Samir and oh God, Jeroam and near 36 00:01:51.400 --> 00:01:55.480 behind squabbling over who brought which wine. Jordan's absence was immediate, 37 00:01:55.519 --> 00:01:57.439 and with it the awkward energy had grown, used to 38 00:01:57.480 --> 00:02:00.400 an extra beat after every greeting, the caution in people's 39 00:02:01.079 --> 00:02:03.840 I tried to swallow it down. There's a strange pressure 40 00:02:03.879 --> 00:02:06.640 to be the couple who host. You carry other people's 41 00:02:06.680 --> 00:02:08.280 sense of your to give them us long after you've 42 00:02:08.319 --> 00:02:10.159 learned to leave shoes in the entryway and finish each 43 00:02:10.159 --> 00:02:13.360 other's texts. But for the first hour at least it worked. 44 00:02:14.039 --> 00:02:17.280 I may pre open the wine. Jeram commandeered my playlist. 45 00:02:18.000 --> 00:02:21.439 Samyir Un admitted whether rosotto should ever include cinnamon. The 46 00:02:21.520 --> 00:02:24.520 room steamed up, a candlelight flickered against window glass, and 47 00:02:24.560 --> 00:02:27.240 as desserts sodded the rainees for the first time all night, 48 00:02:27.680 --> 00:02:30.159 the energy shifted only a little as dishes cleared, friends 49 00:02:30.159 --> 00:02:33.199 and minding talking over each other. It was Samyr who 50 00:02:33.560 --> 00:02:36.960 predictably miss Jordan first. Here ran tonight, we're still being 51 00:02:36.960 --> 00:02:40.479 the collective savior. The words were fond enough, but Samue's 52 00:02:40.520 --> 00:02:42.520 brow furr for an instant of flask gone as quickly 53 00:02:42.560 --> 00:02:45.479 as it appeared. He's buried in the Indigo launch schedule. 54 00:02:45.520 --> 00:02:48.879 I managed, you know how he is. Pray held my 55 00:02:48.919 --> 00:02:51.319 gaze longer. We need him here. You two are the 56 00:02:51.360 --> 00:02:54.960 only couple who actually enjoys feeding everyone. We're not feeding you, 57 00:02:55.039 --> 00:02:57.879 we're housing you. Some day, you'll all just move in, equipped, 58 00:02:58.439 --> 00:03:00.960 but a couple of others piped up, chuckling, then fallen quiet. 59 00:03:01.400 --> 00:03:03.240 I fearded a few more questions. What was in to 60 00:03:03.280 --> 00:03:06.639 go house anyway? Was Shordan becoming an art world hermit? 61 00:03:07.400 --> 00:03:09.719 I kept my voice light as possible, answering with bits 62 00:03:09.759 --> 00:03:13.240 of half remembered pr lines. Inside part of me wondered, 63 00:03:13.360 --> 00:03:14.759 was this how I felt for people on the verge 64 00:03:14.800 --> 00:03:17.280 of something ending, being the last to know what every 65 00:03:17.280 --> 00:03:21.120 one quietly specter? Or was I projecting Praya help me 66 00:03:21.199 --> 00:03:24.199 rinse wine glasses? She was always the last to leave. 67 00:03:24.960 --> 00:03:27.400 She lean on the counter, her round face pinched with concern, 68 00:03:27.520 --> 00:03:30.199 here tied up in a scrunchy. I'd given her hey. 69 00:03:30.879 --> 00:03:34.599 She kept her voice low, conspiratorial quick thing. So last 70 00:03:34.599 --> 00:03:36.919 Monday I went to the new Indigo House. Event didn't 71 00:03:36.960 --> 00:03:39.759 realize until later, but I spotted Jordan there. I didn't 72 00:03:39.759 --> 00:03:41.879 say hi, just caught a glimpse. He left early with 73 00:03:41.879 --> 00:03:44.280 someone I didn't recognize her. Sorry, I meant to mention 74 00:03:44.879 --> 00:03:47.599 my hand paws mid air class drooping, heart beat spiking 75 00:03:47.599 --> 00:03:51.800 stupidly in my ears. Ye, sure it was him, she nodded, thoughtful, 76 00:03:52.520 --> 00:03:55.280 positive he was in that blue jacket, you hate, I 77 00:03:55.400 --> 00:03:57.479 managed to half laugh, brushing it off as if it 78 00:03:57.479 --> 00:04:00.199 were a non event. He's just helping with the setup up. 79 00:04:00.199 --> 00:04:03.159 The volunteer schedule is a mess. Priya let it drop, 80 00:04:03.280 --> 00:04:05.360 but I saw something calculating in her eyes, a mix 81 00:04:05.400 --> 00:04:08.280 of concern and apology. We washed the rest of the 82 00:04:08.280 --> 00:04:11.439 glasses in silence, and she squeezed my shoulder before she left. 83 00:04:12.000 --> 00:04:14.319 I thanked her for the wine for the company. I 84 00:04:14.360 --> 00:04:16.120 locked the door behind her and stood in the kitchen 85 00:04:16.160 --> 00:04:18.040 for a while, staring at the phone on the counter. 86 00:04:18.680 --> 00:04:21.879 When Jordan finally came home, it was nearly midnight. His 87 00:04:22.000 --> 00:04:24.439 jacket was damp, hair curling at the edge's eyes, bloods 88 00:04:24.519 --> 00:04:27.319 up but wide awake. He kissed my cheek, lingered just 89 00:04:27.360 --> 00:04:29.839 a second, two long at the fridge, then disappeared to shower, 90 00:04:29.959 --> 00:04:33.000 claiming paint fumes. When I slid into bed beside him, 91 00:04:33.040 --> 00:04:35.879 he was already asleep, or pretending to be. I curled 92 00:04:35.920 --> 00:04:38.160 towards the window, listening to the slow drip of rain 93 00:04:38.199 --> 00:04:40.519 from the eaves, the hint of traffic rising and falling 94 00:04:40.519 --> 00:04:44.199 beyond our block. My mind scattered through details. Which night 95 00:04:44.279 --> 00:04:48.079 was that Indo goo event? Monday? He told me he 96 00:04:48.120 --> 00:04:50.720 was at a late planning session fixing broken track lights. 97 00:04:51.399 --> 00:04:54.879 Why had heif with whom had hef I kept coming 98 00:04:54.879 --> 00:04:56.879 back to Pria's face, the way she phrased it, left 99 00:04:56.920 --> 00:04:59.120 early with some one. She would have told me if 100 00:04:59.120 --> 00:05:01.879 it were an old friend, of familiar face. And yet 101 00:05:01.920 --> 00:05:04.399 maybe there was nothing at all. Maybe this was what 102 00:05:04.439 --> 00:05:06.800 happened to couples who got busy, who let habits slip. 103 00:05:07.360 --> 00:05:10.040 I forced my thoughts quiet, focusing on the familiar cadence 104 00:05:10.079 --> 00:05:12.519 of Jordan's breathing, the comfort of his presence beside me. 105 00:05:13.160 --> 00:05:17.160 The world outside blurred into white noise. Eventually I slept. 106 00:05:17.720 --> 00:05:20.199 It's easy, in the warm spaces of memory to believe 107 00:05:20.240 --> 00:05:22.600 a relationship is something you built once and can reliably 108 00:05:22.720 --> 00:05:25.240 return to for a decade. Always had been at a 109 00:05:25.279 --> 00:05:28.399 sanctuary ten years ago. Almost on a dare, I went 110 00:05:28.439 --> 00:05:30.240 to a pop up show, one of those non permitted 111 00:05:30.319 --> 00:05:33.399 late night under the fly over things. I just landed 112 00:05:33.439 --> 00:05:37.279 in the city, jobless, anxious and precarious. Jordan was already there, 113 00:05:37.399 --> 00:05:39.680 hands and paint, hair flowby laughing at a friend's joke 114 00:05:39.680 --> 00:05:42.319 I couldn't hear. He caught me watching and made a 115 00:05:42.360 --> 00:05:45.160 bee line over Our first words were about which shade 116 00:05:45.199 --> 00:05:47.480 of blue belonged in the city skyline. We argued for 117 00:05:47.519 --> 00:05:49.800 twenty minutes before realizing we were the only two left 118 00:05:49.839 --> 00:05:52.120 in the room. By the end of the week, we 119 00:05:52.120 --> 00:05:55.680 were sharing playlists and cheap banmye designing imaginary gallery openings 120 00:05:55.680 --> 00:06:00.040 on napkins. It never felt rushed. He was annoyingly the 121 00:06:00.160 --> 00:06:01.720 kind of man who remembered to check on you if 122 00:06:01.720 --> 00:06:04.560 he sneezed in a crowded room. He asked real questions 123 00:06:04.639 --> 00:06:07.480 and listened. I tell people He's whom I would have 124 00:06:07.519 --> 00:06:09.959 wanted as a best friend, even if I'd never dated him. 125 00:06:10.560 --> 00:06:12.839 We became a fixture on the circu found family for 126 00:06:12.879 --> 00:06:16.040 others who drifted, whose parents lived continents away, whose jobs 127 00:06:16.040 --> 00:06:19.120 and relationships were also new than ours. We built our 128 00:06:19.199 --> 00:06:22.399 open table ritual for ourselves, but it became accidentally beautifully 129 00:06:22.439 --> 00:06:24.560 a safe harbor for any friend looking for a foothold. 130 00:06:25.160 --> 00:06:28.120 Freyer and Jordan clicked instantly. Samua became the brother neither 131 00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:31.199 of us had. We started volunteering together at local events, 132 00:06:31.199 --> 00:06:35.319 street fairs, calleries, sat ups, neighborhood clean ups. Even my 133 00:06:35.399 --> 00:06:37.720 money was thin, we'd make enough for rent and splurge 134 00:06:37.800 --> 00:06:40.399 or mindful one good night each week. The apartment was 135 00:06:40.399 --> 00:06:42.560 a testament, not fancy, but it was every item the 136 00:06:42.600 --> 00:06:44.959 result of a late night argument or a lucky street find. 137 00:06:45.519 --> 00:06:48.959 The yellow couch, the thrifted lamp Jordan convinced me would 138 00:06:48.959 --> 00:06:51.079 look out deco if you don't serve right at it. 139 00:06:51.680 --> 00:06:54.959 The wall of poloids, ears of sicho moments, friends, badly 140 00:06:54.959 --> 00:06:58.920 lit birthday cakes. My parents, long separated, had built walls 141 00:06:58.959 --> 00:07:02.920 not out of miness betidellants, so honesty became my non negotiable. 142 00:07:03.480 --> 00:07:05.720 Jordan used to joke about how blunt I was in fights, 143 00:07:05.879 --> 00:07:08.839 but he never shut down. We were messy together, stubborn 144 00:07:08.879 --> 00:07:11.160 lots sometimes, but we always came back to a center. 145 00:07:11.759 --> 00:07:14.079 Looking back over the past few months, cracks had crept 146 00:07:14.120 --> 00:07:17.279 in quietly. My freeulent work had always been uneven, but 147 00:07:17.360 --> 00:07:21.160 this winter was rough. Client's consoled, payments lagged, whole contracts disappeared. 148 00:07:21.720 --> 00:07:23.879 I felt useless. Jordan would try to cheer me up, 149 00:07:23.920 --> 00:07:26.120 make elaborate meals, will surprise me with the neutral brush 150 00:07:26.120 --> 00:07:28.480 set from the art store, but he was only home 151 00:07:28.480 --> 00:07:31.360 for the making, never for the meals. The gallery visits 152 00:07:31.360 --> 00:07:33.519 became rare, even our late night walk shrank into a 153 00:07:33.519 --> 00:07:36.600 couple of dusty Sunday afternoons, always interrupted by some coll 154 00:07:36.639 --> 00:07:40.079 or errand he'd started drinking more coffee later into the night, 155 00:07:40.240 --> 00:07:42.920 mapping ambitious plans for the collective at our kitchen table. 156 00:07:43.519 --> 00:07:46.279 Pieces of his life one chair by default went un 157 00:07:46.319 --> 00:07:49.439 said He'd scroll through messages at one A and physically 158 00:07:49.439 --> 00:07:51.160 turn away if they tried to read over his shoulder, 159 00:07:51.199 --> 00:07:54.920 always saying, just drama, babe, nothing good, of course I noticed, 160 00:07:55.519 --> 00:07:57.600 But who wanted to start another argument about the thing 161 00:07:57.639 --> 00:08:00.720 you feared most? Thursday mornings used to be your checkpoint. 162 00:08:01.279 --> 00:08:03.360 We'd sit on the couch, my head on his lap, 163 00:08:03.399 --> 00:08:07.120 mapping groceries, swapping playlists, trading plans for the weekend. Last 164 00:08:07.160 --> 00:08:10.079 month I realized he dat had taking calls during those hours, 165 00:08:10.199 --> 00:08:13.120 quietly excusing himself to the bedroom, sometimes gone when I 166 00:08:13.160 --> 00:08:15.759 returned from the store. I told myself it was just 167 00:08:15.800 --> 00:08:18.600 a busy season. The launch would end and everything would recalibrate. 168 00:08:19.240 --> 00:08:21.800 But how many small habits can vanish before something essential 169 00:08:21.839 --> 00:08:25.199 disappears with them? After pres comment about the Indigo event, 170 00:08:25.360 --> 00:08:29.879 I found myself taking inventory of stories, narratives, details. Jordan's 171 00:08:29.920 --> 00:08:33.000 version of his days began to sound almost formulaic, hectic, draining, 172 00:08:33.159 --> 00:08:36.279 full of a collective druma always so non specific. I'd 173 00:08:36.320 --> 00:08:39.240 tried talking myself down. Everyone lies about one thing or another, 174 00:08:39.399 --> 00:08:42.759 specially as stress compounds. Maybe if I could just relax, 175 00:08:42.840 --> 00:08:45.639 trust him that the way pass. I stepped to the 176 00:08:45.639 --> 00:08:47.919 hope that I was being irrational, reading too much into 177 00:08:47.919 --> 00:08:50.360 one unfamiliar face at an art event, had forgotten to attend. 178 00:08:50.960 --> 00:08:54.120 The following Saturday, we hosted brunch at our place. The 179 00:08:54.120 --> 00:08:56.960 sky was a pale and trustworthy blue sunlight spocking off 180 00:08:57.000 --> 00:09:00.519 the rainsoak streets. By noon, the kitchen steamed with the 181 00:09:00.919 --> 00:09:03.679 Jordan to her necks in the pan, humming Samyar and 182 00:09:03.720 --> 00:09:07.039 Priy beckoed amiably at the table. At one point, Samyr 183 00:09:07.080 --> 00:09:08.960 asked if Jordan could help him with a lighting rig 184 00:09:09.000 --> 00:09:11.679 for an event, some installation sponsored by the Collective Seat Fund. 185 00:09:12.360 --> 00:09:15.159 Jordan brighton, explaining he'd spent all of Friday night painting 186 00:09:15.240 --> 00:09:18.159 mules at head quarters, experimenting with fluorescent under painting for 187 00:09:18.200 --> 00:09:20.799 the neck show. His voice was animated, but a little 188 00:09:20.840 --> 00:09:24.240 rush eyes darting around the table. Later, Summer cornered me 189 00:09:24.279 --> 00:09:26.919 on the balcony, lighting a cigarette. Did he show you 190 00:09:26.960 --> 00:09:29.399 the lighting mock ups. Yet I heard there using these 191 00:09:29.399 --> 00:09:34.279 crazy blue gels lighting. I frowned. He said he was painting. 192 00:09:34.919 --> 00:09:38.159 Samuel laughed. Maybe he was doing both. He and Tess 193 00:09:38.240 --> 00:09:40.919 ran out to the supply store. I think, sorry, no more. 194 00:09:41.440 --> 00:09:44.440 The name slid through me, almost unnoticed. Tests I filed 195 00:09:44.480 --> 00:09:47.879 it away, smiling blandly, feigning interest in gallery gossip. But 196 00:09:48.039 --> 00:09:51.159 a thread pulled tight in my mind. After everyone left, 197 00:09:51.159 --> 00:09:54.039 I found Jordan tidying the kitchen sleeves roll, humming under 198 00:09:54.039 --> 00:09:56.559 his breath. For a moment, he looked like the man 199 00:09:56.600 --> 00:09:59.200 I'd built these habits with. I wanted to ask, to 200 00:09:59.240 --> 00:10:02.080 simply say, why haven't I met more of the collective? Really? 201 00:10:02.679 --> 00:10:05.120 I had designed a lunch flyer, after all, but hadn't 202 00:10:05.120 --> 00:10:08.279 gotten in invite, let alone atour. Every time I raised it, 203 00:10:08.399 --> 00:10:10.799 Jordan would say, it's all chaos, not worth your time 204 00:10:10.879 --> 00:10:13.879 until it's done. There was no real reason for my exclusion, 205 00:10:14.039 --> 00:10:16.159 and yet he made it sound so reasonable, so devoid 206 00:10:16.159 --> 00:10:19.840 of drama. I wondered if I was being possessive. Partner's 207 00:10:19.840 --> 00:10:22.120 real partners was supposed to offer the benefit of the doubt. 208 00:10:22.720 --> 00:10:25.080 I had always trusted him to navigate circles without me 209 00:10:25.200 --> 00:10:27.559 to manage the politics of our events and messy friends. 210 00:10:28.320 --> 00:10:31.200 Maybe I was just jealous of his new passion. Maybe 211 00:10:31.200 --> 00:10:33.480 I needed desperately to let him have the space, just 212 00:10:33.519 --> 00:10:36.279 as I claimed mine years ago. Each time I had 213 00:10:36.279 --> 00:10:38.960 rehearsed confronting him over dinner or at midnight, or even 214 00:10:39.000 --> 00:10:41.639 half awake in bed, I'd second guess myself. Patchricka then 215 00:10:41.679 --> 00:10:45.440 new explanations. He just needed somewhat on me. Maybe I'd 216 00:10:45.440 --> 00:10:48.360 become clinging since work dried up. Maybe the problem was 217 00:10:48.399 --> 00:10:51.440 my own insecurity, not Jordan at all, And so I 218 00:10:51.480 --> 00:10:54.480 spent two days talking myself out of suspicion. Carrying on 219 00:10:54.559 --> 00:10:58.440 as usual. I cooked, I posted happy Thursday night friend 220 00:10:58.440 --> 00:11:02.120 photos on the grood chat. I kept the apartment more'm busy, vibrant. 221 00:11:02.679 --> 00:11:05.879 That something shifted. On Monday, I cross checked a schedule 222 00:11:05.879 --> 00:11:09.039 from Instagram stories and friend tags, something I'd never done before. 223 00:11:09.600 --> 00:11:12.320 I wasn't sure what I hoped to find. Staring at 224 00:11:12.320 --> 00:11:14.720 people's posts, scrolling out of habit, I spotted him at 225 00:11:14.720 --> 00:11:17.200 a roofed up party, half turned away, drink in hand. 226 00:11:17.799 --> 00:11:19.799 Next to him was a woman I didn't recognize. Her 227 00:11:19.879 --> 00:11:22.360 arm was angled toward him. In a way that felt proprietary, 228 00:11:22.360 --> 00:11:25.840 confident even in profile. Her body language was intent but 229 00:11:25.879 --> 00:11:29.399 not obviously romantic. Still send a charge through me. Her 230 00:11:29.480 --> 00:11:32.679 name tagged in a different poet Tess. I clicked through 231 00:11:32.679 --> 00:11:34.960 to her profile. A handful of collective event pictures, some 232 00:11:35.039 --> 00:11:39.000 moody art shots, nothing concrete. I tried, for the third 233 00:11:39.039 --> 00:11:41.000 time in a week, to convince myself that nothing was 234 00:11:41.039 --> 00:11:44.440 actually a miss. Work was chaotic, Jordan was busy. Tess 235 00:11:44.519 --> 00:11:47.080 might be just another artist. But as I was folding 236 00:11:47.080 --> 00:11:49.519 the laundry two nights later, I heard his fun buzz, 237 00:11:49.720 --> 00:11:52.120 then his voice from the hallway, soft and almost sings on. 238 00:11:52.759 --> 00:11:55.240 There was a lult I didn't recognize, a sort of gentleness. 239 00:11:55.879 --> 00:11:58.919 I stepped quietly to the bathroom door. Yeah, well you 240 00:11:59.000 --> 00:12:00.960 have to stop getting so new this okay, you know 241 00:12:01.000 --> 00:12:04.120 all cover A pause, then a low laugh, almost tender. No, 242 00:12:04.279 --> 00:12:08.360 it's fine, she's not home yet. The sound faded. I waited, 243 00:12:08.440 --> 00:12:10.919 hot pounding, and when I stepped out, Jordan's face was 244 00:12:10.919 --> 00:12:14.279 so carefully composed I almost laughed. He pocketed the phone, 245 00:12:14.360 --> 00:12:18.200 already reaching for the fridge. Who's coal, I asked, keeping 246 00:12:18.279 --> 00:12:22.360 it light? He shrugged, It just works. Stuff myle, We're slammed. 247 00:12:22.440 --> 00:12:24.279 You know how it is with the board these days. 248 00:12:24.679 --> 00:12:27.720 He avoided my gaze, busying himself at the counter. My 249 00:12:27.799 --> 00:12:30.360 mind lurched. Maybe I didn't want to know. Maybe this 250 00:12:30.440 --> 00:12:33.840 was a fighte borne from simple miscommunication. But doubt crept further. 251 00:12:33.879 --> 00:12:35.799 If it were so innocent, why hadn't I heard of 252 00:12:35.840 --> 00:12:37.600 a board. It was supposed to be a loose collector, 253 00:12:37.799 --> 00:12:41.000 not some corporate entity. I let him deflect, but a 254 00:12:41.000 --> 00:12:45.000 witch had been driven. The small eyes began compounding receipts 255 00:12:45.080 --> 00:12:46.759 left in his jacket at dinner for two at a 256 00:12:46.799 --> 00:12:49.200 beastra far outside our budget, a night he claimed he'd 257 00:12:49.200 --> 00:12:52.200 been working late at the collective. Ticket stubbs from events 258 00:12:52.200 --> 00:12:54.080 I'd never heard of on dates that didn't fit his 259 00:12:54.120 --> 00:12:57.240 supposed schedule. The biggest jowl was a credit card bill 260 00:12:57.279 --> 00:12:59.840 that landed among our mail. Normally reopened them together, but 261 00:12:59.879 --> 00:13:02.480 the one I found alone a Friday afternoon, after Jordan 262 00:13:02.480 --> 00:13:05.399 had left for a supposed community meeting. Among the usual 263 00:13:05.399 --> 00:13:07.639 grimy city expenses was a large charge at a britt 264 00:13:07.759 --> 00:13:10.159 cotel bar, one I remembered from a friend's wedding, an 265 00:13:10.159 --> 00:13:13.679 intimate place, not somewhere for group meetings. The date matched 266 00:13:13.720 --> 00:13:18.559 another late work night. I started to keep mental lists month, date, name, 267 00:13:19.200 --> 00:13:21.639 what Jordan had told me versus what I was learning. 268 00:13:22.279 --> 00:13:24.639 It wasn't that these details were all dumbing on their own, 269 00:13:25.159 --> 00:13:27.799 but together they formed a pattern, a kind of negative space, 270 00:13:27.919 --> 00:13:30.600 a life in silwet and what little nun worked. Time 271 00:13:30.600 --> 00:13:32.799 I did see him, he seemed more distracted than ever. 272 00:13:32.919 --> 00:13:35.320 Phoned forever in hand oils, hiding away in the kitchen 273 00:13:35.399 --> 00:13:37.759 under the guise of washing up. When I asked, he'd 274 00:13:37.759 --> 00:13:40.399 twitch on politeness. All patients esed with a tired smile. 275 00:13:41.080 --> 00:13:43.240 If once I'd been as confidant as other half, I'd 276 00:13:43.279 --> 00:13:46.440 become a sort of inconvenient roommate. Our friends picked up 277 00:13:46.440 --> 00:13:49.000 on it, not voicing anything, but the warmth of gatherings 278 00:13:49.000 --> 00:13:51.679 grew strained. Priors seemed to watch me all the time, 279 00:13:51.799 --> 00:13:54.879 always wanting to talk, but not sure how. Jordan, for 280 00:13:54.960 --> 00:13:58.279 his part, began declining invites entirely for the first time 281 00:13:58.320 --> 00:14:01.600 in years. Our open table when half empty, people sensed 282 00:14:01.679 --> 00:14:04.639 I think that the anchor had slid. Even our apartment 283 00:14:04.679 --> 00:14:07.519 seemed less itself, our laughter replaced by false pleasantries. In 284 00:14:07.519 --> 00:14:12.039 this matched silences, I spent evenings pacing, battling myself. Was 285 00:14:12.080 --> 00:14:15.080 this a garden variety affair? Was it money, a betrayal 286 00:14:15.159 --> 00:14:18.320 larger than lust? Or was I falling victim to insecurity 287 00:14:18.320 --> 00:14:21.759 In the naturally shifting drift of long relationships. One side 288 00:14:21.759 --> 00:14:23.919 of me wanted to drag Jordan into the light, demand 289 00:14:23.919 --> 00:14:27.120 answers beg for honesty. The other baggd for the courage 290 00:14:27.159 --> 00:14:28.919 to pretend it away, to roll back the clock to 291 00:14:28.960 --> 00:14:32.039 simpler days. One evening, I ran into Samue at the 292 00:14:32.039 --> 00:14:35.120 opening of a friend's studio of raw, drafty space dwantown, 293 00:14:35.240 --> 00:14:37.279 filled with a smell of paint and too much incense. 294 00:14:37.960 --> 00:14:40.279 We fell into step over tiny cups of cheap prosecco 295 00:14:40.360 --> 00:14:44.919 trading stories. Samuel looked at me, almost apologetic, he too, 296 00:14:44.960 --> 00:14:47.279 coming to the after hours at Indigo next Friday, supposed 297 00:14:47.320 --> 00:14:49.519 to be a member's only thing, loss of Stupid theater, 298 00:14:49.639 --> 00:14:53.360 but Jordan's on the list right Friday. I tried not 299 00:14:53.480 --> 00:14:58.120 to sound surprised. He didn't mention anything. Samuel's brows nodded, 300 00:14:58.200 --> 00:15:02.360 searching me. Weird and tests were coordinating the guest lists. 301 00:15:02.440 --> 00:15:05.759 He trailed off, tone, shifting to backpedal. Maybe their wiiting 302 00:15:05.759 --> 00:15:10.200 to finalize details I caught the hesitation and led at hand. Later, 303 00:15:10.360 --> 00:15:13.159 alone on the bus home, I reaplayed the exchange. If 304 00:15:13.279 --> 00:15:15.519 Jordan was so deeply involved, why had I been left out? 305 00:15:15.600 --> 00:15:19.759 Not just this event, but all collective happenings, all a vitations. Tests, again, 306 00:15:20.399 --> 00:15:23.840 always at the center, always somehow outside my circle. I 307 00:15:23.879 --> 00:15:26.679 searched tests on Instagram, toggling between public posts and the 308 00:15:26.679 --> 00:15:30.919 group's account. Her presence was there, subtle but consistent, backstage shots, 309 00:15:31.039 --> 00:15:34.519 tagged photos with mutual friends. Her relationship to Jordan was 310 00:15:34.519 --> 00:15:37.399 never clarified, but I kept returning to one image, rooftop 311 00:15:37.519 --> 00:15:40.120 city lights behind her hand angled toward him, as though 312 00:15:40.120 --> 00:15:42.600 cutting the air, just to wrist beside his arm. At 313 00:15:42.639 --> 00:15:45.000 the same time, the ald rhythm of our life disintegrated. 314 00:15:45.600 --> 00:15:48.159 Jordan was forever busy, but could never explain the detail. 315 00:15:48.759 --> 00:15:50.840 When I pressed, just gently, hoping not to come off 316 00:15:50.840 --> 00:15:54.080 as possessive, he'd grow defensive, sometimes even short. If for 317 00:15:54.159 --> 00:15:57.919 this board that supplies budgets, the names changed, the story 318 00:15:57.960 --> 00:16:01.240 lines did too, depending on the conversation. Once, when I 319 00:16:01.240 --> 00:16:03.799 asked about a for sculpture installation, he blinked in confusion 320 00:16:03.840 --> 00:16:07.600 before pivoting to something about projections. I pretended to take notes, 321 00:16:07.600 --> 00:16:11.080 but just felt desert. Meanwhile, the real world demanded my attention. 322 00:16:11.159 --> 00:16:15.080 Late payments, overdue in verses, projects abandoned without apology. I 323 00:16:15.159 --> 00:16:17.120 felt as though I were losing two worlds at once, 324 00:16:17.240 --> 00:16:19.519 the professional self I had nurtured and the partnership that 325 00:16:19.559 --> 00:16:22.600 had given it shape. In a moment of risky curiosity, 326 00:16:22.639 --> 00:16:25.399 I started picking through Jordan's jacket pockets before tossing them 327 00:16:25.399 --> 00:16:29.360 in the laundry. Receipts fell off Bestros Galleries, and yubertrip 328 00:16:29.399 --> 00:16:31.639 to an address near Tess's apartment. As I later learned 329 00:16:31.720 --> 00:16:34.799 via simple Google search. I flinched as I realized I 330 00:16:34.840 --> 00:16:37.960 was snooping, but justified that he was, after all, hiding something, 331 00:16:38.600 --> 00:16:41.120 or I was inventing something to distract from my own failings. 332 00:16:41.720 --> 00:16:44.879 It depended which night you asked. The mutual friends, who 333 00:16:44.879 --> 00:16:48.559 once orbitted our table began to drift. Preacame by less often, 334 00:16:48.720 --> 00:16:52.120 always with a nervous energy. Geremen near grew distant, their 335 00:16:52.200 --> 00:16:55.679 tacks increasingly laced with plathitudes. How putuor wealt rather than 336 00:16:55.720 --> 00:16:58.960 the familiar save me a seat. Even Samuir was cagy 337 00:16:59.039 --> 00:17:01.799 checking in less. One night, as we shared a late 338 00:17:01.799 --> 00:17:04.119 dinner rare thing any more. I finally broke the silence. 339 00:17:04.799 --> 00:17:07.440 Can I ask you something? My voice shirk a thin 340 00:17:07.519 --> 00:17:11.000 thread of honorability. Jordan glanced up, slicing into a roasted 341 00:17:11.000 --> 00:17:15.920 sweet potato. Of course, I steadied myself last month Hotel 342 00:17:15.960 --> 00:17:17.880 bar charged and Pria said she saw you leaving with 343 00:17:17.920 --> 00:17:20.079 a woman at Indigo House. I just want to know 344 00:17:20.160 --> 00:17:23.000 if there's something I'm missing. He froze for half way 345 00:17:23.039 --> 00:17:27.400 to his lips. Then malocha seriously. He sounded wounded, even 346 00:17:27.440 --> 00:17:29.880 as his eyes darted away for a moment. You know 347 00:17:29.960 --> 00:17:32.480 how much pressure Tess is under. She's new our treach Lee. 348 00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:34.880 I guess there's been drama. I've been covering for her, 349 00:17:34.920 --> 00:17:37.640 figuring you didn't need this dress. Honestly, it's work, not 350 00:17:37.720 --> 00:17:41.000 whatever Priya thinks she saw. I waited, searching his face 351 00:17:41.039 --> 00:17:43.839 for any tell. There was no apology in his tone, 352 00:17:43.920 --> 00:17:46.960 just attired heaviness, a kind of resignation. I would have 353 00:17:47.039 --> 00:17:48.680 told you if there was something real. I know you 354 00:17:48.720 --> 00:17:52.799 hate drama. I've performed in my stomach half conviction, half humiliation. 355 00:17:53.480 --> 00:17:55.519 For a week. He was more attentive than he'd been 356 00:17:55.519 --> 00:17:58.960 in months. He brought home flowers cook my favorite risotto, 357 00:17:59.000 --> 00:18:00.799 even let his phone stay face up on the counter. 358 00:18:01.480 --> 00:18:04.079 He returned to Old Padden's morning coffee, joining me for 359 00:18:04.160 --> 00:18:08.079 gallery strolls. Samer texted again inviting us out together, and 360 00:18:08.160 --> 00:18:11.400 Jordan insisted we go for a few days. I thought, 361 00:18:11.599 --> 00:18:14.160 maybe this is it. Maybe I just got spun out 362 00:18:14.200 --> 00:18:17.400 by my own worry. Then, on a women irrational kneeling 363 00:18:17.440 --> 00:18:19.839 which has stopped by Indigo House late after a client call, 364 00:18:20.480 --> 00:18:22.599 I told myself I'd just beg in finally see what 365 00:18:22.640 --> 00:18:25.319 all the secrecy was for. It was dusk, city air, 366 00:18:25.359 --> 00:18:27.720 muggy and translucent after a fresh rain. The street in 367 00:18:27.759 --> 00:18:31.119 front of Indigo House wash pale, beneath sodium bulbs. The 368 00:18:31.160 --> 00:18:33.799 front entrance was locked, but the side window was glossed 369 00:18:33.799 --> 00:18:36.200 with condensation. Led in a slice of the main room. 370 00:18:36.720 --> 00:18:39.000 I stood on tiptoe, catching a half obscure view through 371 00:18:39.000 --> 00:18:42.279 a gap in the makeshift cuttings. Inside, Jordan and Tess 372 00:18:42.279 --> 00:18:44.720 sat close together on folding chairs, the table littered with 373 00:18:44.720 --> 00:18:47.480 sketchbooks and crumbs between them. It was not the scene 374 00:18:47.519 --> 00:18:50.759 of frantic colleagues and crisis. It was intimate. Tess's hand 375 00:18:50.799 --> 00:18:53.079 rested on top of his. Their faces turned toward each 376 00:18:53.119 --> 00:18:56.839 other in a bubble of private conversation. They were speaking softly, smiling, 377 00:18:56.839 --> 00:18:59.200 Hearing nothing, I could still read something familiar in the 378 00:18:59.200 --> 00:19:02.240 tilt of his shoulder. My world contracted to the sound 379 00:19:02.279 --> 00:19:05.240 of my own breath. Neither of them noticed me, frozen 380 00:19:05.240 --> 00:19:07.480 on the sidewalk, as of passing cyclists splashed water at 381 00:19:07.480 --> 00:19:10.720 my shoes. I stood there far too long, unable to move, 382 00:19:10.799 --> 00:19:14.079 until tesseline forward and Yes, unmistakably squeezed his hand, her 383 00:19:14.079 --> 00:19:16.640 smile growing larger, as though sharing a secret. Only the 384 00:19:16.680 --> 00:19:19.440 two of them understood. When I finally stepped away from 385 00:19:19.440 --> 00:19:22.319 the window, I was numb. I walked home slowly through 386 00:19:22.319 --> 00:19:24.920 Puddle's shoes, ruined, feeling as though I'd stepped behind a 387 00:19:24.960 --> 00:19:27.920 film of glass that nothing could reach. Drue Jordan texted 388 00:19:27.920 --> 00:19:30.960 to say late night, finishing a grant proposal, hum after eleven, 389 00:19:31.480 --> 00:19:35.440 I didn't respond. At home, the apartment felt hollow. I 390 00:19:35.559 --> 00:19:39.240 changed into pajamas, but sleep wouldn't come. The images reaply 391 00:19:39.319 --> 00:19:41.880 over and over. The waiter, hands fit together, The privacy 392 00:19:41.880 --> 00:19:44.279 of the smiles. Was this what I had been scared of, 393 00:19:44.359 --> 00:19:45.960 proof not just of a lie, but of a new 394 00:19:45.960 --> 00:19:48.920 world forming while mine dissolved. I didn't know what to do. 395 00:19:49.640 --> 00:19:52.400 I gave myself one night to grieve silently before telling Priya. 396 00:19:53.039 --> 00:19:55.559 Her reaction was immediate, real anger on my behalf, but 397 00:19:55.640 --> 00:19:58.960 also measured restraint. If you confront him now, you'll just 398 00:19:59.000 --> 00:20:02.599 get moral lies, she said, squeezing my hands. Find out 399 00:20:02.680 --> 00:20:04.960 everything first, don't give him away. Out with half truce. 400 00:20:05.720 --> 00:20:07.480 I spent the next days in a state half way 401 00:20:07.480 --> 00:20:10.680