Speaker 1: Section twenty nine of Amusement Only. This is a LibriVox recording.
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Speaker 1: by Stephan Kinford, Amusement Only by Richard marsh Mister Whiting's
Speaker 1: and mary Anne. I did not mean to kiss her.
Speaker 1: It was a pure accident. Her face was close to mine,
Speaker 1: or my face was close to hers, and then her
Speaker 1: lips came into contact with my lips, or my lips
Speaker 1: came into contact with her lips, I don't know which
Speaker 1: it was. And then at that moment her mother came
Speaker 1: into the room and she said, mister Whiting, May asked,
Speaker 1: what is the meaning of this? I said, it meant nothing, nothing,
Speaker 1: absolutely nothing. Only. I found it difficult to explain, and
Speaker 1: when I did explain, she would not understand. Her manner
Speaker 1: was not at all the sort of thing I care for.
Speaker 1: The result is that I am engaged to Marianne Snelling
Speaker 1: without being conscious of having entertained any intention of the kind.
Speaker 1: Not that I have a word to say against mary Anne,
Speaker 1: except that I never knew a girl with quite so
Speaker 1: many relations to begin with. She had six brothers and
Speaker 1: five sisters, and she is the eldest of the batch,
Speaker 1: and there's not one of the brothers whom I feel
Speaker 1: drawn to. Her father is a most remarkable person, to
Speaker 1: say the least. After they had arranged between them that
Speaker 1: I was engaged to mary Anne, I was really not
Speaker 1: allowed to have a voice in the matter. Her father
Speaker 1: remarked with a pointed air which I cannot but think,
Speaker 1: under the circumstances was unusual that he thought it was
Speaker 1: about time that I did come to the scratch, and
Speaker 1: that if I had kept on dilly dallying much longer,
Speaker 1: he would have had a word to say to me
Speaker 1: of a kind. I do not know what he meant,
Speaker 1: and would rather not attempt to imagine. But it is
Speaker 1: quite plain to me that all the arrangements for my
Speaker 1: wedding are going to be made by the Snellings. I
Speaker 1: do not know when it is going to be, but
Speaker 1: it will be either next week or the week after,
Speaker 1: certainly at the earliest possible moment. And I shouldn't be
Speaker 1: at all surprised to learn that all Mary Anne's things
Speaker 1: have been already bought, and perhaps some of them marked.
Speaker 1: We are to live in a house which belongs to
Speaker 1: a cousin of mister Snelling. It is to be furnished
Speaker 1: by a brother of Missus Snelling. The house linen is
Speaker 1: to be supplied by the father of the young man
Speaker 1: to whom Jane Matilda is engaged in the Iron mongree
Speaker 1: by the uncle to whom George Frederick is apprenticed. All
Speaker 1: apparently that is left for me to do is to
Speaker 1: pay for everything. It is most delightful. It might just
Speaker 1: as well be someone else's wedding, so unimportant is the
Speaker 1: part which I am set to play in it, and
Speaker 1: it is all the result of an accident. I deny
Speaker 1: that for the last six months I have been using
Speaker 1: mister Snelling's home as if it were a boarding house.
Speaker 1: Nothing of the kind. The mere suggestion is absurd. It
Speaker 1: is true that I have dropped into dinner now and then,
Speaker 1: or to spend the evening, or for an afternoon call,
Speaker 1: or for an hour or two in the morning. But
Speaker 1: that has been simply and solely because the Snelling family
Speaker 1: have inventced so marked a desire for my society. The
Speaker 1: alteration which has taken place in their demeanors since my
Speaker 1: accident with Mary Anne is therefore all the more amazing.
Speaker 1: For instance, look at their behavior in the matter of
Speaker 1: the ring. The accident in question occurred upon the Sunday evening.
Speaker 1: I had been with Marianne to church, and it had
Speaker 1: seen her home, and had had a little supper, and
Speaker 1: it was after supper that it happened. I did not
Speaker 1: go and purchase the engagement ring the first thing on
Speaker 1: the Monday morning. I own it, certainly not, nor did
Speaker 1: I take any steps in that direction during the whole
Speaker 1: of that week. I was not pressed for time. Besides,
Speaker 1: I was turning things over in my mind. But that
Speaker 1: was no reason and why the Monday week following, four
Speaker 1: of her brothers should have called on me on their
Speaker 1: way to the office when I was scarcely out of
Speaker 1: bed and actually breakfasting, and assailed me. In the way
Speaker 1: in which they did. There was William, Henry, John, Frank, Ferdinand, Augustus,
Speaker 1: and Steve and Arthur, each of them twice my size,
Speaker 1: and all of them frightfully ignorant and wholly regardless of
Speaker 1: the sensitive little points of those with whom they came
Speaker 1: in contact. There is no circumlocution about them. They go
Speaker 1: straight at what they want, and were scarcely inside my
Speaker 1: door before they blurted out the purport of their coming.
Speaker 1: It was Frederick Augustus, if the thing is possible, he is,
Speaker 1: if anything, more direct even than the rest of his family.
Speaker 1: Look here, Whiting, how about Marianne's ring. The girl is fretting,
Speaker 1: but you don't seem to notice it, And as you
Speaker 1: don't appear to know what is the proper thing to
Speaker 1: do in a case of this kind, and don't understand
Speaker 1: that the ring to be bought straight away, We've bought
Speaker 1: it for you, I guessed, positively gasped, Am I to
Speaker 1: understand that you've purchased my engagement ring? That's it on
Speaker 1: your account from a cousin of ours who's in that line.
Speaker 1: I never saw people like the Snellings for possessing relatives
Speaker 1: in all sorts of lines. No matter what you want
Speaker 1: or do not want, and never will want, they are
Speaker 1: sure to have some relative who has dealt in it
Speaker 1: his or her whole life long. They produced the ring
Speaker 1: and told me what I had to pay for it.
Speaker 1: A handsome price, it was. I was persuaded that somebody
Speaker 1: besides that cousin got a profit out of Marianne's engagement ring.
Speaker 1: But I handed over the amount. I did not want
Speaker 1: any unpleasantness, and I am quite sure there would have
Speaker 1: been unpleasantness had I demurred. Later in the day, I
Speaker 1: took it with me when I went to call on Marianne.
Speaker 1: She appeared to be surprised, almost into speechlessness, when I
Speaker 1: presented it to her. Her head dropped on my shoulder,
Speaker 1: and she kissed me under the chin, observing you, dear
Speaker 1: old Sam. The moments when I am alone with mary
Speaker 1: Anne are alleviations for those more frequent moments when I
Speaker 1: am not alone with Marianne. Still, I noticed that the
Speaker 1: ring fitted her perfectly, and I could not but wonder
Speaker 1: if she had tried it on before. At the same time,
Speaker 1: I am beginning to be comforted by a suspicion that
Speaker 1: mary Anne is on my side. On my side, that is,
Speaker 1: against the rest of her family. There has been a
Speaker 1: difference of opinion as to where we are to spend
Speaker 1: our honeymoon. It is from her action in that matter
Speaker 1: that my suspicion springs. The Snellings have an aunt who
Speaker 1: lives in an out of the way hole at the
Speaker 1: other end of nowhere. The woman's name is Brady. There
Speaker 1: she owns a cottage or it may be a pig
Speaker 1: sty for all I know. When she heard of my
Speaker 1: engage with mary Anne, she wrote and suggested that we
Speaker 1: should spend our honeymoon in her cottage or pig sty,
Speaker 1: and that I should pay her rent for it. The
Speaker 1: matter was talked about at dinner. Mary Anne was silent
Speaker 1: for some time. Then she quietly remarked, don't trouble yourselves
Speaker 1: to discuss Aunt Bertie's proposal. I shall do nothing of
Speaker 1: the kind. This observation was followed by perfect silence. The
Speaker 1: members of the family looked at one another, but after
Speaker 1: a very considerable pause, her mother said, with quite unusual mildness,
Speaker 1: very well, my dear, then it's settled. After dinner, I
Speaker 1: took advantage of an opportunity which offered to thank mary
Speaker 1: Anne for her action in the matter, because, of course
Speaker 1: I had no wish to spend my honeymoon in a
Speaker 1: place of which I knew, nothing to oblige an aunt
Speaker 1: of whom I knew still less, mary Anne beamed at me,
Speaker 1: and she said, you, dear, old man. Presently, she continued,
Speaker 1: do you know that in marrying me you are doing
Speaker 1: the best thing for yourself that you ever did in
Speaker 1: all your life. I endeavored to explain to her that
Speaker 1: I felt sure of it, but I fear that my
Speaker 1: explanation was a little stumbling. But she went on with
Speaker 1: the most perfect fluency. There were no signs of faltering
Speaker 1: about her flow of language. You want someone who can
Speaker 1: look after you, and you could not, by any chance,
Speaker 1: have chosen a person who will look after you better
Speaker 1: than I shall. Such an assurance was most satisfactory. We
Speaker 1: had a long, confidential chat on matters of business. I
Speaker 1: found that as a woman of business, she was beyond
Speaker 1: all my expectations. I told her exactly what my income was,
Speaker 1: and the source from which it came, and all about it.
Speaker 1: She drew up a plan on which we were to
Speaker 1: lay it out. It was an admirable plan. I had
Speaker 1: never had one, but I saw clearly that in that
Speaker 1: way the money would go to vice as far it
Speaker 1: turned out that she had a little money of her own,
Speaker 1: about one hundred and thirty pounds a year. And of
Speaker 1: course I had my expectations and she had hers. It
Speaker 1: was plain that together we should manage most comfortably, delightfully.
Speaker 1: In fact, on the subject of wedding presents too, her
Speaker 1: ideas were the most lucid I ever encountered. It was
Speaker 1: wonderful to listen to her, really wonderful. I shall make
Speaker 1: Papa give me five hundred pounds. At least a bird
Speaker 1: in the hand is worth two in a bush, and
Speaker 1: it will be something to have bias. I quite agreed
Speaker 1: with her remarks about the bird in the hand, and
Speaker 1: it certainly would be something to have bias. I know
Speaker 1: what Mamma can afford to give, and I will see
Speaker 1: if she gives it. And I will see that there
Speaker 1: is no shirking about the boys or about the girls either.
Speaker 1: I will take care that my relations do their duty.
Speaker 1: I have drawn up a list of all the people
Speaker 1: who ought to go give us a present, and I
Speaker 1: shall tell them what they ought to give. It won't
Speaker 1: be my fault if I don't get it. Of course,
Speaker 1: there are some people with whom you can't be perfectly plain,
Speaker 1: but I shall be as plain as I can. There's
Speaker 1: a way and a manner of doing that kind of thing.
Speaker 1: I have no intention of being presented with an endless
Speaker 1: collection of duplicates, or a lot of useless rubbish which
Speaker 1: I don't know what to do with. If you take
Speaker 1: my advice, you will follow on my footsteps. I endeavored
Speaker 1: to at least I drew up a list of people
Speaker 1: who ought to meet the occasion, and I tried, in
Speaker 1: more than one instance to drop a hint of what,
Speaker 1: as I felt they ought to meet it with. But
Speaker 1: I am bound to admit that so far my success
Speaker 1: has been as nothing compared with hers. Hers has been prodigious.
Speaker 1: It is certain that we have a large collection of
Speaker 1: really valuable property about the house. The wedding presence to
Speaker 1: mary Anne. She has a knack of getting people to
Speaker 1: do what she wishes and to give her what she wants,
Speaker 1: which is a little short of miraculous. The singular feature
Speaker 1: about the situation is that people are actually beginning to
Speaker 1: pity me, to sympathize with me for being about to
Speaker 1: marry mary Anne. I notice that they are generally persons
Speaker 1: who have already tendered their offerings. The fact of having
Speaker 1: given Maryanne a wedding present seems to fill them with
Speaker 1: a feeling of rancorous acidity, which to me is inexplicable.
Speaker 1: My belief is that they have been induced to spend
Speaker 1: at least twice as much as they intended, and that
Speaker 1: they resent it. Such is the selfishness of human nature.
Speaker 1: But why on that account they should pity me? I
Speaker 1: altogether failed to understand. We have all been giving mary
Speaker 1: Anne presents, and I suppose you, mister Whiting, have been
Speaker 1: giving her something too. That was what missus McPherson said
Speaker 1: to me only the other day. I have given mary
Speaker 1: Anne two or three trifles, And I said so, And what,
Speaker 1: inquired missus McPherson. Has Marianne given you her love? Someone sniggered.
Speaker 1: I cannot pretend to explain why, except on the supposition
Speaker 1: that romance is dead, at least in that circle of
Speaker 1: society in which the Snellings move. But that is not
Speaker 1: the only society the world contains. As a matter of fact,
Speaker 1: mary Anne has given me a pair of slippers, worked
Speaker 1: by her own hands. It is true that they are
Speaker 1: a trifle large for me, and that I shall never
Speaker 1: be able to keep them on my feet except when
Speaker 1: I am sitting still. But mari Anne does not seem
Speaker 1: to think that that matters, so why should I. Her
Speaker 1: youngest sister, Clara Louisa, has quite gratuitously informed me that
Speaker 1: she has had them by her for some considerable time,
Speaker 1: and that not to put too fine a point on it,
Speaker 1: they were originally designed for another individual altogether, a mister Pilbeam.
Speaker 1: But even supposing that what Clara Louisa says is true,
Speaker 1: of which I have no evidence, I have surely cause
Speaker 1: to congratulate myself on standing literally in mister Pilbeam's shoes,
Speaker 1: even if they are a little spacious. On the whole.
Speaker 1: I do not know that I regret that accident I
Speaker 1: had with Marianne. It is true that there are times
Speaker 1: when I am a little disposed to wish that she
Speaker 1: were not quite so good a manager now, and then
Speaker 1: every man likes to call his soul his own. On
Speaker 1: the other hand, she is well qualified to protect me
Speaker 1: from the rest of the family. She will keep them
Speaker 1: at bay, because it is beginning to dawn on me
Speaker 1: that single handedly she is more than a match for them,
Speaker 1: Which is just as well. If she had been like me,
Speaker 1: they would have rent us Limb from Limb. As it is,
Speaker 1: unless I am mistaken, some of the rending will be
Speaker 1: on our side, and they know it. Ps The cards
Speaker 1: are out for the wedding. It is to take place
Speaker 1: on Tuesday, fortnight. We are going for our honeymoon to
Speaker 1: Italy and the South of France, a second cousin of
Speaker 1: mary Anne's is in the Cook's Tours line. He has
Speaker 1: given us free passes all the way to the end
Speaker 1: of our journey and all the way back again, and
Speaker 1: coupons for free board and lodging at the hotel. It's
Speaker 1: a wedding present, so that, as mary Anne says, our
Speaker 1: honeymoon need cost us practically nothing, besides which we can
Speaker 1: always sell the coupons and railway passes which we don't use.
Speaker 1: Nothing could be more delightful. End of mister Whiting's and
Speaker 1: Mary Anne Recording by Stephan Kinford, Sharon Township, Ohio.