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<v Speaker 1>Section twenty nine of Amusement Only. This is a LibriVox recording.

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<v Speaker 1>All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more

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<v Speaker 1>information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Recording

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<v Speaker 1>by Stephan Kinford, Amusement Only by Richard marsh Mister Whiting's

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<v Speaker 1>and mary Anne. I did not mean to kiss her.

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<v Speaker 1>It was a pure accident. Her face was close to mine,

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<v Speaker 1>or my face was close to hers, and then her

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<v Speaker 1>lips came into contact with my lips, or my lips

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<v Speaker 1>came into contact with her lips, I don't know which

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<v Speaker 1>it was. And then at that moment her mother came

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<v Speaker 1>into the room and she said, mister Whiting, May asked,

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<v Speaker 1>what is the meaning of this? I said, it meant nothing, nothing,

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<v Speaker 1>absolutely nothing. Only. I found it difficult to explain, and

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<v Speaker 1>when I did explain, she would not understand. Her manner

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<v Speaker 1>was not at all the sort of thing I care for.

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<v Speaker 1>The result is that I am engaged to Marianne Snelling

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<v Speaker 1>without being conscious of having entertained any intention of the kind.

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<v Speaker 1>Not that I have a word to say against mary Anne,

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<v Speaker 1>except that I never knew a girl with quite so

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<v Speaker 1>many relations to begin with. She had six brothers and

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<v Speaker 1>five sisters, and she is the eldest of the batch,

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<v Speaker 1>and there's not one of the brothers whom I feel

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<v Speaker 1>drawn to. Her father is a most remarkable person, to

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<v Speaker 1>say the least. After they had arranged between them that

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<v Speaker 1>I was engaged to mary Anne, I was really not

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<v Speaker 1>allowed to have a voice in the matter. Her father

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<v Speaker 1>remarked with a pointed air which I cannot but think,

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<v Speaker 1>under the circumstances was unusual that he thought it was

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<v Speaker 1>about time that I did come to the scratch, and

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<v Speaker 1>that if I had kept on dilly dallying much longer,

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<v Speaker 1>he would have had a word to say to me

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<v Speaker 1>of a kind. I do not know what he meant,

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<v Speaker 1>and would rather not attempt to imagine. But it is

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<v Speaker 1>quite plain to me that all the arrangements for my

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<v Speaker 1>wedding are going to be made by the Snellings. I

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<v Speaker 1>do not know when it is going to be, but

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<v Speaker 1>it will be either next week or the week after,

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<v Speaker 1>certainly at the earliest possible moment. And I shouldn't be

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<v Speaker 1>at all surprised to learn that all Mary Anne's things

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<v Speaker 1>have been already bought, and perhaps some of them marked.

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<v Speaker 1>We are to live in a house which belongs to

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<v Speaker 1>a cousin of mister Snelling. It is to be furnished

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<v Speaker 1>by a brother of Missus Snelling. The house linen is

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<v Speaker 1>to be supplied by the father of the young man

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<v Speaker 1>to whom Jane Matilda is engaged in the Iron mongree

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<v Speaker 1>by the uncle to whom George Frederick is apprenticed. All

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<v Speaker 1>apparently that is left for me to do is to

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<v Speaker 1>pay for everything. It is most delightful. It might just

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<v Speaker 1>as well be someone else's wedding, so unimportant is the

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<v Speaker 1>part which I am set to play in it, and

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<v Speaker 1>it is all the result of an accident. I deny

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<v Speaker 1>that for the last six months I have been using

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<v Speaker 1>mister Snelling's home as if it were a boarding house.

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<v Speaker 1>Nothing of the kind. The mere suggestion is absurd. It

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<v Speaker 1>is true that I have dropped into dinner now and then,

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<v Speaker 1>or to spend the evening, or for an afternoon call,

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<v Speaker 1>or for an hour or two in the morning. But

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<v Speaker 1>that has been simply and solely because the Snelling family

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<v Speaker 1>have inventced so marked a desire for my society. The

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<v Speaker 1>alteration which has taken place in their demeanors since my

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<v Speaker 1>accident with Mary Anne is therefore all the more amazing.

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<v Speaker 1>For instance, look at their behavior in the matter of

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<v Speaker 1>the ring. The accident in question occurred upon the Sunday evening.

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<v Speaker 1>I had been with Marianne to church, and it had

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<v Speaker 1>seen her home, and had had a little supper, and

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<v Speaker 1>it was after supper that it happened. I did not

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<v Speaker 1>go and purchase the engagement ring the first thing on

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<v Speaker 1>the Monday morning. I own it, certainly not, nor did

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<v Speaker 1>I take any steps in that direction during the whole

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<v Speaker 1>of that week. I was not pressed for time. Besides,

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<v Speaker 1>I was turning things over in my mind. But that

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<v Speaker 1>was no reason and why the Monday week following, four

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<v Speaker 1>of her brothers should have called on me on their

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<v Speaker 1>way to the office when I was scarcely out of

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<v Speaker 1>bed and actually breakfasting, and assailed me. In the way

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<v Speaker 1>in which they did. There was William, Henry, John, Frank, Ferdinand, Augustus,

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<v Speaker 1>and Steve and Arthur, each of them twice my size,

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<v Speaker 1>and all of them frightfully ignorant and wholly regardless of

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<v Speaker 1>the sensitive little points of those with whom they came

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<v Speaker 1>in contact. There is no circumlocution about them. They go

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<v Speaker 1>straight at what they want, and were scarcely inside my

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<v Speaker 1>door before they blurted out the purport of their coming.

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<v Speaker 1>It was Frederick Augustus, if the thing is possible, he is,

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<v Speaker 1>if anything, more direct even than the rest of his family.

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<v Speaker 1>Look here, Whiting, how about Marianne's ring. The girl is fretting,

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<v Speaker 1>but you don't seem to notice it, And as you

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<v Speaker 1>don't appear to know what is the proper thing to

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<v Speaker 1>do in a case of this kind, and don't understand

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<v Speaker 1>that the ring to be bought straight away, We've bought

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<v Speaker 1>it for you, I guessed, positively gasped, Am I to

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<v Speaker 1>understand that you've purchased my engagement ring? That's it on

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<v Speaker 1>your account from a cousin of ours who's in that line.

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<v Speaker 1>I never saw people like the Snellings for possessing relatives

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<v Speaker 1>in all sorts of lines. No matter what you want

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<v Speaker 1>or do not want, and never will want, they are

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<v Speaker 1>sure to have some relative who has dealt in it

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<v Speaker 1>his or her whole life long. They produced the ring

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<v Speaker 1>and told me what I had to pay for it.

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<v Speaker 1>A handsome price, it was. I was persuaded that somebody

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<v Speaker 1>besides that cousin got a profit out of Marianne's engagement ring.

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<v Speaker 1>But I handed over the amount. I did not want

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<v Speaker 1>any unpleasantness, and I am quite sure there would have

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<v Speaker 1>been unpleasantness had I demurred. Later in the day, I

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<v Speaker 1>took it with me when I went to call on Marianne.

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<v Speaker 1>She appeared to be surprised, almost into speechlessness, when I

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<v Speaker 1>presented it to her. Her head dropped on my shoulder,

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<v Speaker 1>and she kissed me under the chin, observing you, dear

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<v Speaker 1>old Sam. The moments when I am alone with mary

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<v Speaker 1>Anne are alleviations for those more frequent moments when I

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<v Speaker 1>am not alone with Marianne. Still, I noticed that the

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<v Speaker 1>ring fitted her perfectly, and I could not but wonder

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<v Speaker 1>if she had tried it on before. At the same time,

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<v Speaker 1>I am beginning to be comforted by a suspicion that

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<v Speaker 1>mary Anne is on my side. On my side, that is,

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<v Speaker 1>against the rest of her family. There has been a

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<v Speaker 1>difference of opinion as to where we are to spend

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<v Speaker 1>our honeymoon. It is from her action in that matter

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<v Speaker 1>that my suspicion springs. The Snellings have an aunt who

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<v Speaker 1>lives in an out of the way hole at the

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<v Speaker 1>other end of nowhere. The woman's name is Brady. There

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<v Speaker 1>she owns a cottage or it may be a pig

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<v Speaker 1>sty for all I know. When she heard of my

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<v Speaker 1>engage with mary Anne, she wrote and suggested that we

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<v Speaker 1>should spend our honeymoon in her cottage or pig sty,

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<v Speaker 1>and that I should pay her rent for it. The

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<v Speaker 1>matter was talked about at dinner. Mary Anne was silent

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<v Speaker 1>for some time. Then she quietly remarked, don't trouble yourselves

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<v Speaker 1>to discuss Aunt Bertie's proposal. I shall do nothing of

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<v Speaker 1>the kind. This observation was followed by perfect silence. The

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<v Speaker 1>members of the family looked at one another, but after

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<v Speaker 1>a very considerable pause, her mother said, with quite unusual mildness,

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<v Speaker 1>very well, my dear, then it's settled. After dinner, I

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<v Speaker 1>took advantage of an opportunity which offered to thank mary

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<v Speaker 1>Anne for her action in the matter, because, of course

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<v Speaker 1>I had no wish to spend my honeymoon in a

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<v Speaker 1>place of which I knew, nothing to oblige an aunt

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<v Speaker 1>of whom I knew still less, mary Anne beamed at me,

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<v Speaker 1>and she said, you, dear, old man. Presently, she continued,

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<v Speaker 1>do you know that in marrying me you are doing

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<v Speaker 1>the best thing for yourself that you ever did in

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<v Speaker 1>all your life. I endeavored to explain to her that

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<v Speaker 1>I felt sure of it, but I fear that my

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<v Speaker 1>explanation was a little stumbling. But she went on with

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<v Speaker 1>the most perfect fluency. There were no signs of faltering

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<v Speaker 1>about her flow of language. You want someone who can

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<v Speaker 1>look after you, and you could not, by any chance,

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<v Speaker 1>have chosen a person who will look after you better

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<v Speaker 1>than I shall. Such an assurance was most satisfactory. We

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<v Speaker 1>had a long, confidential chat on matters of business. I

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<v Speaker 1>found that as a woman of business, she was beyond

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<v Speaker 1>all my expectations. I told her exactly what my income was,

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<v Speaker 1>and the source from which it came, and all about it.

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<v Speaker 1>She drew up a plan on which we were to

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<v Speaker 1>lay it out. It was an admirable plan. I had

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<v Speaker 1>never had one, but I saw clearly that in that

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<v Speaker 1>way the money would go to vice as far it

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<v Speaker 1>turned out that she had a little money of her own,

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<v Speaker 1>about one hundred and thirty pounds a year. And of

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<v Speaker 1>course I had my expectations and she had hers. It

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<v Speaker 1>was plain that together we should manage most comfortably, delightfully.

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<v Speaker 1>In fact, on the subject of wedding presents too, her

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<v Speaker 1>ideas were the most lucid I ever encountered. It was

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<v Speaker 1>wonderful to listen to her, really wonderful. I shall make

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<v Speaker 1>Papa give me five hundred pounds. At least a bird

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<v Speaker 1>in the hand is worth two in a bush, and

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<v Speaker 1>it will be something to have bias. I quite agreed

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<v Speaker 1>with her remarks about the bird in the hand, and

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<v Speaker 1>it certainly would be something to have bias. I know

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<v Speaker 1>what Mamma can afford to give, and I will see

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<v Speaker 1>if she gives it. And I will see that there

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<v Speaker 1>is no shirking about the boys or about the girls either.

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<v Speaker 1>I will take care that my relations do their duty.

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<v Speaker 1>I have drawn up a list of all the people

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<v Speaker 1>who ought to go give us a present, and I

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<v Speaker 1>shall tell them what they ought to give. It won't

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<v Speaker 1>be my fault if I don't get it. Of course,

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<v Speaker 1>there are some people with whom you can't be perfectly plain,

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<v Speaker 1>but I shall be as plain as I can. There's

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<v Speaker 1>a way and a manner of doing that kind of thing.

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<v Speaker 1>I have no intention of being presented with an endless

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<v Speaker 1>collection of duplicates, or a lot of useless rubbish which

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know what to do with. If you take

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<v Speaker 1>my advice, you will follow on my footsteps. I endeavored

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<v Speaker 1>to at least I drew up a list of people

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<v Speaker 1>who ought to meet the occasion, and I tried, in

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<v Speaker 1>more than one instance to drop a hint of what,

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<v Speaker 1>as I felt they ought to meet it with. But

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<v Speaker 1>I am bound to admit that so far my success

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<v Speaker 1>has been as nothing compared with hers. Hers has been prodigious.

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<v Speaker 1>It is certain that we have a large collection of

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<v Speaker 1>really valuable property about the house. The wedding presence to

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<v Speaker 1>mary Anne. She has a knack of getting people to

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<v Speaker 1>do what she wishes and to give her what she wants,

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<v Speaker 1>which is a little short of miraculous. The singular feature

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<v Speaker 1>about the situation is that people are actually beginning to

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<v Speaker 1>pity me, to sympathize with me for being about to

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<v Speaker 1>marry mary Anne. I notice that they are generally persons

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<v Speaker 1>who have already tendered their offerings. The fact of having

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<v Speaker 1>given Maryanne a wedding present seems to fill them with

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<v Speaker 1>a feeling of rancorous acidity, which to me is inexplicable.

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<v Speaker 1>My belief is that they have been induced to spend

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<v Speaker 1>at least twice as much as they intended, and that

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<v Speaker 1>they resent it. Such is the selfishness of human nature.

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<v Speaker 1>But why on that account they should pity me? I

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<v Speaker 1>altogether failed to understand. We have all been giving mary

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<v Speaker 1>Anne presents, and I suppose you, mister Whiting, have been

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<v Speaker 1>giving her something too. That was what missus McPherson said

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<v Speaker 1>to me only the other day. I have given mary

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<v Speaker 1>Anne two or three trifles, And I said so, And what,

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<v Speaker 1>inquired missus McPherson. Has Marianne given you her love? Someone sniggered.

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<v Speaker 1>I cannot pretend to explain why, except on the supposition

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<v Speaker 1>that romance is dead, at least in that circle of

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<v Speaker 1>society in which the Snellings move. But that is not

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<v Speaker 1>the only society the world contains. As a matter of fact,

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<v Speaker 1>mary Anne has given me a pair of slippers, worked

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<v Speaker 1>by her own hands. It is true that they are

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<v Speaker 1>a trifle large for me, and that I shall never

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<v Speaker 1>be able to keep them on my feet except when

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<v Speaker 1>I am sitting still. But mari Anne does not seem

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<v Speaker 1>to think that that matters, so why should I. Her

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<v Speaker 1>youngest sister, Clara Louisa, has quite gratuitously informed me that

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<v Speaker 1>she has had them by her for some considerable time,

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<v Speaker 1>and that not to put too fine a point on it,

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<v Speaker 1>they were originally designed for another individual altogether, a mister Pilbeam.

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<v Speaker 1>But even supposing that what Clara Louisa says is true,

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<v Speaker 1>of which I have no evidence, I have surely cause

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<v Speaker 1>to congratulate myself on standing literally in mister Pilbeam's shoes,

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<v Speaker 1>even if they are a little spacious. On the whole.

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<v Speaker 1>I do not know that I regret that accident I

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<v Speaker 1>had with Marianne. It is true that there are times

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<v Speaker 1>when I am a little disposed to wish that she

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<v Speaker 1>were not quite so good a manager now, and then

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<v Speaker 1>every man likes to call his soul his own. On

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<v Speaker 1>the other hand, she is well qualified to protect me

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<v Speaker 1>from the rest of the family. She will keep them

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<v Speaker 1>at bay, because it is beginning to dawn on me

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<v Speaker 1>that single handedly she is more than a match for them,

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<v Speaker 1>Which is just as well. If she had been like me,

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<v Speaker 1>they would have rent us Limb from Limb. As it is,

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<v Speaker 1>unless I am mistaken, some of the rending will be

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<v Speaker 1>on our side, and they know it. Ps The cards

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<v Speaker 1>are out for the wedding. It is to take place

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<v Speaker 1>on Tuesday, fortnight. We are going for our honeymoon to

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<v Speaker 1>Italy and the South of France, a second cousin of

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<v Speaker 1>mary Anne's is in the Cook's Tours line. He has

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<v Speaker 1>given us free passes all the way to the end

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<v Speaker 1>of our journey and all the way back again, and

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<v Speaker 1>coupons for free board and lodging at the hotel. It's

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<v Speaker 1>a wedding present, so that, as mary Anne says, our

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<v Speaker 1>honeymoon need cost us practically nothing, besides which we can

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<v Speaker 1>always sell the coupons and railway passes which we don't use.

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<v Speaker 1>Nothing could be more delightful. End of mister Whiting's and

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<v Speaker 1>Mary Anne Recording by Stephan Kinford, Sharon Township, Ohio.