WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.160 The house is impossibly quiet at midnight, the kind of 2 00:00:06.200 --> 00:00:08.839 hush that drapes itself over the furniture, soaks into the 3 00:00:08.839 --> 00:00:12.839 floorboards and refuses to be disturbed. Even the traffic outside 4 00:00:12.839 --> 00:00:15.839 our apartment seems to have thinned. No distant horns or laughter, 5 00:00:16.320 --> 00:00:18.079 just the heavy pulse of the fridge humming across the 6 00:00:18.160 --> 00:00:21.920 open kitchen. I stand there, barefoot in weak old pajama pants, 7 00:00:21.920 --> 00:00:24.480 staring at the neat white box on the counter. Laura 8 00:00:24.559 --> 00:00:26.519 packed at herself. I know, because she always ties the 9 00:00:26.519 --> 00:00:29.039 bakery boxes twice, with the same little double knot at 10 00:00:29.079 --> 00:00:31.199 the top, as if the desserts inside knee protection from 11 00:00:31.199 --> 00:00:34.560 the small disasters of transport. I untie the knot, sliding 12 00:00:34.560 --> 00:00:37.280 the red string apart, already smelling the bitter sweet coffee 13 00:00:37.280 --> 00:00:39.560 sire a blade between sheets of almond sponge, the dark 14 00:00:39.600 --> 00:00:41.840 smudge of chocolate ganish marking the border between air un 15 00:00:41.880 --> 00:00:46.399 velvet opera cake. Laura's surprise, even though she must remember 16 00:00:46.439 --> 00:00:48.880 hell I told her on Tuesday, stirring coffee in the 17 00:00:48.880 --> 00:00:51.039 half dark, that I was sick of coffee and desserts. 18 00:00:51.679 --> 00:00:54.119 Funny how she always gets locked onto rich holes even 19 00:00:54.119 --> 00:00:57.119 when I've told her I'm moving on. Inside. Two slices 20 00:00:57.119 --> 00:01:00.719 sit perfectly, unmarked, edges pristine. It's two percent for accident. 21 00:01:01.320 --> 00:01:03.280 My first thought is that she's measured them for pleading, 22 00:01:03.399 --> 00:01:05.280 or maybe for fodo. But the grain of the cake, 23 00:01:05.359 --> 00:01:08.280 the untouched chocolate glaze. No, these are for sharing, meant 24 00:01:08.319 --> 00:01:11.040 to be presented, one for her, one for what I 25 00:01:11.120 --> 00:01:13.879 find myself standing there, knife poise, thinking about the way 26 00:01:13.959 --> 00:01:16.599 Laureling is at the bakery. After closing, telling me she's 27 00:01:16.640 --> 00:01:19.719 got inverses, new dose schedules, to sort, fenders, to chase 28 00:01:20.319 --> 00:01:22.239 to night. She texted just a quick might be late, 29 00:01:22.400 --> 00:01:24.760 closing with Brian ray Check on movie with a little 30 00:01:24.760 --> 00:01:28.040 slice of cakemoji. She sends those when she feels guilty. 31 00:01:28.599 --> 00:01:30.920 I should text her I thank you maybe, But instead 32 00:01:30.920 --> 00:01:33.280 I hesitate, staring at the little symbol next to her name, 33 00:01:33.359 --> 00:01:36.239 lighting up act of thirteen minutes ago. I picture her, 34 00:01:36.239 --> 00:01:39.120 flower still on her knuckles, foam wedge between shoulder and cheek, 35 00:01:39.400 --> 00:01:42.120 laughing at something I don't hear. She used to laugh 36 00:01:42.120 --> 00:01:44.799 with me that way. Now her laughter doesn't reach me, 37 00:01:44.959 --> 00:01:47.400 not even an echo through the wall. So I put 38 00:01:47.400 --> 00:01:49.959 down my phone and cut into the cake. The knife 39 00:01:50.000 --> 00:01:52.920 glides the slush comes out clean. I played it, stare 40 00:01:52.959 --> 00:01:55.480 at them to chair across our small kitchen table. I 41 00:01:55.519 --> 00:01:58.799 don't try to eat. Instead, my eyes wandered the room, 42 00:01:58.920 --> 00:02:01.040 the glow of street lights, bounced rain across the window, 43 00:02:01.120 --> 00:02:03.719 the stack of kilinary books Laura's mother sent last Christmas. 44 00:02:04.319 --> 00:02:07.480 It should all feel more comforting. Instead, it buzzes with 45 00:02:07.519 --> 00:02:10.599 this low, restless electricity. I can't place it, so I 46 00:02:10.639 --> 00:02:13.159 package the second slice rapid tadly and tuck it into 47 00:02:13.159 --> 00:02:17.960 the fridge. Maybe it's work stress. Maybe I'm catastrophizing. In 48 00:02:18.000 --> 00:02:21.039 a silence, I hear her earlier warning, I don't wait up, Nick, 49 00:02:21.080 --> 00:02:23.280 not worth it. But I do wait up, and I 50 00:02:23.360 --> 00:02:25.360 wonder when it was I started feeling like this, like 51 00:02:25.400 --> 00:02:28.599 someone standing outside my own life, seeing through double glazed glass. 52 00:02:29.360 --> 00:02:32.520 Sometimes I replay how easily we used to talk, Not 53 00:02:32.680 --> 00:02:34.800 in the big ways, those are easy to romanticize, but 54 00:02:34.840 --> 00:02:38.280 in the offan moments. Seven years and it should be 55 00:02:38.319 --> 00:02:41.159 habit this rhythm of half her jokes in overshaved kitchen stories. 56 00:02:41.800 --> 00:02:44.800 She's always said, no secrets, that's the only rule. But 57 00:02:44.919 --> 00:02:47.960 lately rules feel slippery, the kind of thing you only 58 00:02:48.039 --> 00:02:50.400 notice right when you start to break them. The first 59 00:02:50.400 --> 00:02:52.520 time I ever saw lower Whale, really saw her. She 60 00:02:52.599 --> 00:02:54.439 was sitting at an arrow table in a desert, face 61 00:02:54.520 --> 00:02:56.680 so small you could hear the stuff breathing. In the kitchen, 62 00:02:57.240 --> 00:02:59.800 I just finished my last art school critique, hand stained 63 00:02:59.840 --> 00:03:03.680 with pencil dust, echo somewhere between hopeful and humiliated, Laura 64 00:03:03.680 --> 00:03:06.159 struck up a conversation over the wrong order her tiremasu 65 00:03:06.280 --> 00:03:08.919 my almond tart, both misplaced, swapped in knowingly by a 66 00:03:08.960 --> 00:03:12.080 server with a student badge. She laughed when I apologized 67 00:03:12.120 --> 00:03:15.120 too many times wide and unguarded, the way adults rarely do. 68 00:03:15.240 --> 00:03:17.759 By the time they hit thirty, I was twenty nine. 69 00:03:17.960 --> 00:03:19.520 She was a couple of months shy of twenty eight, 70 00:03:19.560 --> 00:03:21.439 but already running her first pop up out of a 71 00:03:21.479 --> 00:03:25.159 borrowed coffee shop. She grinned, reached from a napkin, and 72 00:03:25.240 --> 00:03:27.840 sketched a crooked little coss in purple pen coving my 73 00:03:27.879 --> 00:03:31.159 doodles without irony. We traded phone numbers of a whipped cream. 74 00:03:31.199 --> 00:03:34.479 Two hours later. We both confess so many impossibly ambitious dreams. 75 00:03:34.479 --> 00:03:36.680 I wondered if ambition was contagious, or if maybe it 76 00:03:36.840 --> 00:03:39.800 just masked everything else. We built our life around that 77 00:03:39.840 --> 00:03:43.280 small pleasures, big flavors. Our apartment is a coloss of 78 00:03:43.280 --> 00:03:46.560 battered illustration boards and gadgets post maker. She's never used 79 00:03:46.599 --> 00:03:48.360 the air press she bought me that I abandoned for 80 00:03:48.400 --> 00:03:50.919 French press months ago. Stacks of cook books and the 81 00:03:50.919 --> 00:03:54.439 green leafy trappings of hasblants. I wader them when she forgets, 82 00:03:54.599 --> 00:03:57.360 which as always. There was a time when I find 83 00:03:57.360 --> 00:03:59.560 her elbows deep in flower across the kitchen, her hair 84 00:03:59.560 --> 00:04:01.719 tied up and a messy knot, grinning over a bowl 85 00:04:01.719 --> 00:04:04.240 of a mixed batter, waving me closer for flavored tests. 86 00:04:04.919 --> 00:04:07.280 I still have her earliest texts, you taste like butter 87 00:04:07.360 --> 00:04:10.479 and disaster. I approve food is just the most obvious 88 00:04:10.520 --> 00:04:12.479 layer at the ritual we used to disguise the ways 89 00:04:12.520 --> 00:04:16.160 we're not perfect. Sunday mornings, we'd walk to the market together, 90 00:04:16.240 --> 00:04:18.759 Laura dotting between stalls, waving bunches of mint of purple 91 00:04:18.800 --> 00:04:21.079 potatoes at me, chattering about what she could make if 92 00:04:21.120 --> 00:04:23.279 she just had one more hour in the morning. I 93 00:04:23.319 --> 00:04:25.680 handled the coffee, she chose the bread. We'd always buy 94 00:04:25.720 --> 00:04:28.879 one word cheese. After dinner, she'd pull out fail Chief 95 00:04:28.879 --> 00:04:31.240 from her testing fridge and we'd disect them between SIPs 96 00:04:31.240 --> 00:04:34.120 of lukewarm wine. Our friends from the art seen Brian 97 00:04:34.279 --> 00:04:36.800 little drifting in and out, filling our mudroom with stained 98 00:04:36.839 --> 00:04:39.839 aprons and bottle corks. Money was the last thing we 99 00:04:39.879 --> 00:04:42.480 talked about and the first thing to catch fire. When 100 00:04:42.480 --> 00:04:44.759 she almost lost a bakery two years ago. There was 101 00:04:44.759 --> 00:04:47.680 a stress between us. No sugar coed coat. Her parents 102 00:04:47.720 --> 00:04:50.240 voted her until holiday sales pushed her back up of water. 103 00:04:50.920 --> 00:04:53.279 My design contracts would gush for months, then down near 104 00:04:53.319 --> 00:04:55.759 dry up over night. The week I burned out on 105 00:04:55.800 --> 00:04:58.000 logos for vape start up, Laura left me a single 106 00:04:58.000 --> 00:05:00.439 machrom beside the coffee pot rose water, which I hated. 107 00:05:01.120 --> 00:05:04.160 We have this dance, one person's hope the other's realism. 108 00:05:04.480 --> 00:05:07.879 We exchange which is which as needed. Her family visits 109 00:05:07.879 --> 00:05:11.519 in powerful spots. They blow through town, brimming with expectations 110 00:05:11.519 --> 00:05:14.680 and side eye criticisms of her flavor choices. I catch 111 00:05:14.759 --> 00:05:16.839 her crying quietly in the show after these, even when 112 00:05:16.879 --> 00:05:19.920 she doesn't want comfort. She always says the bakery defines 113 00:05:19.920 --> 00:05:21.759 her more than family ever could. But that's never the 114 00:05:21.800 --> 00:05:24.439 whole truth. At the shop, Brian is her back up, 115 00:05:24.439 --> 00:05:26.959 her partner in East, her confidant about the labor schedule, 116 00:05:26.959 --> 00:05:29.160 and with her chocolate pepcorn will sell outside of Brooklyn. 117 00:05:29.639 --> 00:05:31.920 Brian's got a gentleway about him, awkward around me for 118 00:05:32.040 --> 00:05:34.199 reasons I don't understand, but close to Laura in that 119 00:05:34.279 --> 00:05:38.040 particular work Marriageway Lussell from the wine's shop Two Doors 120 00:05:38.079 --> 00:05:41.560 Done brings over mislabeled cases for emergency pairings, which nearly 121 00:05:41.600 --> 00:05:43.439 always end in the three of them splitting a bottle 122 00:05:43.480 --> 00:05:46.480 in the bakery at closing. Laura and Lucill are notoriously 123 00:05:46.480 --> 00:05:49.240 competitive about wine education, and She's trivia knights with them 124 00:05:49.240 --> 00:05:52.160 are always loud, always memorable, sometimes ending in sleep of 125 00:05:52.199 --> 00:05:54.959 a laughter echoing down the hall. Laura's made a point 126 00:05:54.959 --> 00:05:57.360 of owning I suppose donesty in front of these friends. 127 00:05:57.560 --> 00:06:00.360 We only get one rule, No hiding, no drama, just real. 128 00:06:01.040 --> 00:06:03.680 It's charming, really how often she bows about us being 129 00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:05.759 the born couple who works like it's a badge, a 130 00:06:05.800 --> 00:06:08.680 trick to keep fate at ALM's length. But lately Laura 131 00:06:08.680 --> 00:06:12.199 hasn't been herself, or maybe that isn't quite right. She 132 00:06:12.319 --> 00:06:14.959 is herself, just more distant, the sharpness of her energy 133 00:06:14.959 --> 00:06:17.839 redirected somewhere out of sight. For the past few weeks, 134 00:06:17.879 --> 00:06:20.240 she's brought home an endless parade of elaborate and touched 135 00:06:20.240 --> 00:06:24.759 cakes and desserts. Sometimes opera cake, sometimes pistachio domes, match sponge, 136 00:06:24.839 --> 00:06:28.279 odd favors she's never made for me before. Always two slices, 137 00:06:28.439 --> 00:06:32.279 always pristine, no evidence she even sampled them herself. I 138 00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:35.720 stopped telling myself. She's just dressed, desting recipes. It's her thing. 139 00:06:35.759 --> 00:06:38.360 She always says failure. It's the only real teacher in peastry. 140 00:06:38.920 --> 00:06:41.560 But she's become increasingly tense, scrolling through her phone under 141 00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:44.160 the table, sometimes smiling at messages that never reach me, 142 00:06:44.319 --> 00:06:47.079 sometimes locking the screen when I entered the room. I 143 00:06:47.199 --> 00:06:49.519 remember the first night I caught her whispering in the bathroom, 144 00:06:49.600 --> 00:06:51.399 long after midnight. A door cracks so I could just 145 00:06:51.439 --> 00:06:53.240 see the shape of her in the mirror, laughing under 146 00:06:53.240 --> 00:06:56.439 her breath. When I asked, half conscious, she brushed it off. 147 00:06:56.560 --> 00:06:59.279 Supplied drama. Babe, Flower orders late, go back to bed. 148 00:06:59.800 --> 00:07:03.000 I try to let it go. I want to. Laura's 149 00:07:03.079 --> 00:07:05.120 dress is real, the kind of ty lip exhaustion that 150 00:07:05.160 --> 00:07:08.879 makes even grocery lists feel injurious. Still, I can't shake it. 151 00:07:09.439 --> 00:07:12.240 I start to catch myself inventing excuses for her, convincing 152 00:07:12.240 --> 00:07:15.759 myself as the pandemic, the economy, the baker's ours. But 153 00:07:15.839 --> 00:07:18.519 it isn't just that. It's still way she turns away 154 00:07:18.519 --> 00:07:20.600 when typing, the way she stiffened when I ask who 155 00:07:20.680 --> 00:07:22.319 she was on the phone with, and how she never 156 00:07:22.360 --> 00:07:25.240 actually sits down to be desert with me anymore. I 157 00:07:25.319 --> 00:07:28.879 read somewhere that jealousy isn't always about another person. Sometimes 158 00:07:28.879 --> 00:07:31.120 it's about fear of being left behind, of losing the 159 00:07:31.199 --> 00:07:34.079 routine that lets she believe you're needed. A week ago, 160 00:07:34.160 --> 00:07:36.079 I woke up at two a m. De Laura slipping 161 00:07:36.160 --> 00:07:38.199 back into bed, her hands cold, the far away look 162 00:07:38.240 --> 00:07:41.279 in her eyes lingering until morning. I pressed, talking too 163 00:07:41.319 --> 00:07:44.560 loudly about nothing, trying to anchor her. She mumbled something 164 00:07:44.600 --> 00:07:47.040 about an early dough delivery, rolled away from my arm, 165 00:07:47.120 --> 00:07:50.439 and pretended to sleep. I should confront her, that would 166 00:07:50.439 --> 00:07:52.959 be the honest thing, But I keep telling myself it 167 00:07:53.040 --> 00:07:55.120 will blow over, or I shall tell me if something's 168 00:07:55.120 --> 00:07:58.680 truly wrong. That were the couple with no secrets. It's 169 00:07:58.720 --> 00:08:02.000 easier to believe the rulenbrig. Maybe if I surprise her 170 00:08:02.000 --> 00:08:04.600 with coffee at the bakery. Everything will come back into focus. 171 00:08:05.319 --> 00:08:07.279 It's just after ten on a drizzly Thursday when I 172 00:08:07.279 --> 00:08:09.839 step into her bakery and announced cowdboard, cap in hand, 173 00:08:10.040 --> 00:08:11.839 hoping to catch her off God in a good way. 174 00:08:12.399 --> 00:08:14.480 Through the glass pane of the industrial kitchen door, I 175 00:08:14.519 --> 00:08:17.279 see Laura hunched over the prep table, laptop open ran 176 00:08:17.360 --> 00:08:20.839 at her side. There is no wild laughter, just low murmurs, 177 00:08:21.000 --> 00:08:24.279 quick glances at spreadsheet. When Laura looks up and sees me, 178 00:08:24.360 --> 00:08:27.680 her reaction could be relief, but it's not. Her eyes widen, 179 00:08:27.879 --> 00:08:31.120 flickering with a lawn before she paces on a brittle smile. Nick, 180 00:08:31.199 --> 00:08:33.960 what are you doing here? Her voice sings on, but 181 00:08:34.080 --> 00:08:37.360 her shoulders tents, hands fidgeting with her apron strings. Brought 182 00:08:37.399 --> 00:08:39.840 your coffee, I say, lightly, trying to force a mood 183 00:08:39.879 --> 00:08:43.240 that used to be natural. Thought you could use the caffeine. 184 00:08:43.279 --> 00:08:45.759 She steps into the front, shutting the kitchen door behind her. 185 00:08:46.360 --> 00:08:49.279 Thanks Love, I appreciate it, but I'm actually a little busy. 186 00:08:49.360 --> 00:08:51.879 Health inspector's coming in ten minutes. Sorry, can we take 187 00:08:51.919 --> 00:08:55.480 a rain check? She's gently hurting me backward, already glancing 188 00:08:55.519 --> 00:08:58.240 over her shoulder. Brian throws a quick wave. She doesn't 189 00:08:58.240 --> 00:09:00.440 introduce me. I feel out a place, like a client 190 00:09:00.440 --> 00:09:03.519 on the wrong work site. Outside, I check social media 191 00:09:03.519 --> 00:09:06.039 to kill time before heading home. That's when I see 192 00:09:06.080 --> 00:09:07.639 Lusel has tagged Laura at a bow. I know of 193 00:09:07.639 --> 00:09:11.080 the palette three blocks away. Captioned Pastry Queen's Unwined. The 194 00:09:11.159 --> 00:09:14.639 time samp is barely fifteen minutes ago. Laura who insisted 195 00:09:14.639 --> 00:09:16.759 she be tied up at the Vickery all night. The 196 00:09:16.840 --> 00:09:19.559 next night, where after a group one tasting organized by Lucile, 197 00:09:20.080 --> 00:09:23.039 there's Damien, the smooth talking chef few runs Verdigous, a 198 00:09:23.120 --> 00:09:26.960 restaurant down the street Laura's Viickery provides his dessert. Sometimes 199 00:09:27.000 --> 00:09:30.559 he's loud, magnetic, a little too touchy. Halfway through the 200 00:09:30.559 --> 00:09:33.279 third poor he leans in, raising his glass. He know 201 00:09:33.399 --> 00:09:35.279 Laura's got a double life most of you don't even 202 00:09:35.320 --> 00:09:38.840 know about. There are laughs all around. Lucill winks bry 203 00:09:38.879 --> 00:09:42.080 and avoids eye contact. Laura's looks twist into a forced smile. 204 00:09:42.200 --> 00:09:44.720 She shakes her head, but she doesn't refute it. Not really. 205 00:09:45.360 --> 00:09:48.279 Damien leans closer, mock whispers her baking is for more 206 00:09:48.320 --> 00:09:51.799 than just customers these days. The laughter is easier this time, 207 00:09:51.919 --> 00:09:53.960 but Laura's face, the tightness of her smile, the flush 208 00:09:54.000 --> 00:09:57.159 creeping up her neck catches me off. God. Later that night, 209 00:09:57.320 --> 00:09:59.679 when Laura hangs her coat, something thuds at her fee. 210 00:10:00.360 --> 00:10:02.600 I reach for it and a slip paper rectangle folds 211 00:10:02.639 --> 00:10:04.480 into my hand. Or receive for a bottle of MW 212 00:10:04.559 --> 00:10:06.559 salt A prize. You what I know? She's never brought 213 00:10:06.559 --> 00:10:09.360 home the day. Two nights ago, the same evening, I 214 00:10:09.440 --> 00:10:12.240 remember eating Peet's alone law texting she be late, chasing 215 00:10:12.240 --> 00:10:15.759 Invasis new wine for the cafe, I ask, holding up 216 00:10:15.759 --> 00:10:19.799 the receipt. She barely glances, pulls off her shoes. Yeah, 217 00:10:19.799 --> 00:10:22.159 Halusa wanted some ideas for repairing. Ye know how she 218 00:10:22.320 --> 00:10:25.919 is funny. It's not on the wine wall. Laura shrugs, 219 00:10:25.919 --> 00:10:28.200 slips into the bath room door, clicking shirt in my face. 220 00:10:28.840 --> 00:10:31.840 I put the receipt away, careful not to crumple everything 221 00:10:31.840 --> 00:10:34.799 in night chest feels thin like tissue crumpled by handling. 222 00:10:35.360 --> 00:10:37.200 That week end, I wake and pull on my jacket 223 00:10:37.240 --> 00:10:40.279 for our regular Sunday market run. Laura is still under 224 00:10:40.279 --> 00:10:43.440 the covers, hair tangled, ice, ringed with fatigue. Come we 225 00:10:43.480 --> 00:10:47.159 skip to day, she mumbles, I'm dead bakery wipe me out. 226 00:10:47.919 --> 00:10:51.480 I nod had my disappointment, but later, whilst growing my 227 00:10:51.519 --> 00:10:54.200 feet in the kitchen, a Spotlessel's Instagraun's story is selfie 228 00:10:54.200 --> 00:10:56.799 with Bryan and a crowd outside to bakery. The caption 229 00:10:57.080 --> 00:11:01.039 brunch run closed doors but open hearts. It's timestamp for 230 00:11:01.080 --> 00:11:03.240 ten thirty am, the very hour we would have been 231 00:11:03.279 --> 00:11:08.120 at the market. The bakery closed, Laura sleep. Brian, when 232 00:11:08.120 --> 00:11:10.480 I see him days later, has gone oddly salad around me, 233 00:11:11.120 --> 00:11:14.399 no inside jokes, no wine wrecks, nothing beyond kurt nods 234 00:11:14.399 --> 00:11:17.519 and mourning nick I catch him one's trailing after Laura 235 00:11:17.600 --> 00:11:19.679 with a clipboard, and when our ads meet has now 236 00:11:19.799 --> 00:11:23.039 clamped shut, face flushing. It's as if we're both afraid 237 00:11:23.039 --> 00:11:25.159 to admit we know more than we let on. The 238 00:11:25.200 --> 00:11:27.120 next puzzle piece clicks into place on the night when 239 00:11:27.159 --> 00:11:30.320 Laura leaves her laptop open, locked into the Bakeri's internal account. 240 00:11:31.000 --> 00:11:33.240 I don't mean to snoop, but the apting's and notification 241 00:11:33.399 --> 00:11:36.759 a direct message. I have herneer this screen then shame 242 00:11:36.799 --> 00:11:40.399 burning hot click ones. Most of the messages are dulled invisses, 243 00:11:40.679 --> 00:11:44.200 recipe ideas, Bryan asking about proofing times but a string 244 00:11:44.200 --> 00:11:47.879 of messages with Damien stands out. Some are routine schedule changes, 245 00:11:47.960 --> 00:11:51.440 payment reminders. Others veery into the personal. They night banter 246 00:11:51.559 --> 00:11:53.960 about saving you, the last piece of Tonight's secret experiment, 247 00:11:54.000 --> 00:11:57.240 inside jokes about cake emergencies, photos of wine bottles with 248 00:11:57.279 --> 00:12:00.759 winking face emogies. Nothing graphic, but it's the tone, the time, 249 00:12:00.840 --> 00:12:04.519 sen nearing midnight, the intimacy of the shorthand later, trying 250 00:12:04.519 --> 00:12:07.000 to steady myself. I mention the wine tasting to Lucia. 251 00:12:07.679 --> 00:12:10.919 She's friendly, but her bright eyes dart away. Ooh, it 252 00:12:11.000 --> 00:12:14.039 was fun, she says, then immediately pivots the conversation, asking 253 00:12:14.039 --> 00:12:17.360 about my art commissions. When eppress is gently, she grins. 254 00:12:17.639 --> 00:12:19.879 Laura's dresses legendary, you know, but we all have to 255 00:12:19.879 --> 00:12:22.879 blow off steam. By the time Sunday rolls around again, 256 00:12:22.919 --> 00:12:25.960 I'm roll from overthinking. I sit in my studio tablet 257 00:12:25.960 --> 00:12:27.799 open a half in its logo, starying back at me 258 00:12:28.360 --> 00:12:31.519 twenty minutes past before I realize I'm just redrawing circles 259 00:12:32.159 --> 00:12:34.759 my thoughts. Oil and tangle. Was Laura hiding out with Damien. 260 00:12:35.240 --> 00:12:38.320 It's Brian covering for her. Am I inventing a story 261 00:12:38.360 --> 00:12:41.200 to fill the growing quiet in our apartment. Determine to 262 00:12:41.200 --> 00:12:43.840 break the spiral. I try something old fashioned, planning a 263 00:12:43.879 --> 00:12:45.840 dinner for us at the same cozy cafe where we 264 00:12:45.879 --> 00:12:48.399 had our first date. I make the call, reserve the 265 00:12:48.399 --> 00:12:51.799 window booth, Tell Laura, no work talk, no bakery phone, 266 00:12:52.080 --> 00:12:55.480 just as she looks surprised to genuinely taken aback, but agrees. 267 00:12:56.120 --> 00:12:58.799 The night of, she dresses up, hair loose, eyes brighter 268 00:12:58.840 --> 00:13:02.000 than in weeks of a glass shaded candle light. She hesitates, 269 00:13:02.039 --> 00:13:04.639 then opens up about the bakery, how competition's crushing, how 270 00:13:04.679 --> 00:13:07.360 she worries she doesn't have another reinvention in her Her 271 00:13:07.440 --> 00:13:10.879 voice cracks not in self pity but naked exhaustion. She 272 00:13:10.960 --> 00:13:13.720 admits she's been afraid that the numbers haven't mashed, her ambition, 273 00:13:13.879 --> 00:13:16.440 that she's hidden her panic from me. I didn't want 274 00:13:16.480 --> 00:13:19.759 to worry you, she says, squeezing my hand. You already 275 00:13:19.759 --> 00:13:21.759 carry so much. I couldn't put that weight on you. 276 00:13:22.399 --> 00:13:24.519 I feel the tension slip away. For a moment, we 277 00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:27.240 find the old warmth, laughing over failed desserts and awkward 278 00:13:27.279 --> 00:13:31.120 frost kisses. She apologizes for being distant, promises to do better, 279 00:13:31.240 --> 00:13:34.120 insists there's nothing I need to fix. We split a 280 00:13:34.159 --> 00:13:36.639 molten chocolate kick, her choice, not mine, but I let 281 00:13:36.639 --> 00:13:38.720 her take the last bite, sivering the sense that we're 282 00:13:38.720 --> 00:13:42.080 surviving the hard season together. Later, at home, with Laura 283 00:13:42.120 --> 00:13:45.120 already asleep, I notice her laptop open again. I close 284 00:13:45.159 --> 00:13:47.559 it for her, but an email pops up, a Venmo notification. 285 00:13:48.240 --> 00:13:50.519 It isn't totally my business, but if we're being honest, 286 00:13:50.559 --> 00:13:52.679 if they're really are no secrets, then wide a steady 287 00:13:52.679 --> 00:13:55.399 back and forth, payments with Damien, why cake and wine 288 00:13:55.399 --> 00:13:57.559 emoji's send in the dead of night, with mummos like 289 00:13:57.600 --> 00:14:00.639 a taste test, or just thanks. Each extremee is small, 290 00:14:00.840 --> 00:14:04.639 but together the relief from early disintegrates. I want to 291 00:14:04.639 --> 00:14:07.240 believe these are just professional favors. But the casual intimacy, 292 00:14:07.320 --> 00:14:09.279 the absence of money going the other way, the wings, 293 00:14:09.320 --> 00:14:11.200 they punch a hole in the comfort I just rebuilt. 294 00:14:11.840 --> 00:14:15.159 Everything sharpens, brightens, the ease of the night. The warmth 295 00:14:15.200 --> 00:14:17.799 of her apology feels like a story designed to settle me. 296 00:14:18.440 --> 00:14:21.480 I want to confront her immediately. Instead, I sit in 297 00:14:21.480 --> 00:14:23.759 the dark, lopped up screen, bleeding blue into my face, 298 00:14:23.960 --> 00:14:26.840 my own reflection walked in the glass, I tell myself, 299 00:14:26.840 --> 00:14:29.360 one more night, one more piece of proof, and then 300 00:14:29.360 --> 00:14:31.200 I'll know if I'm the villain or if something really 301 00:14:31.240 --> 00:14:33.440 has slipt too far from no secrets to save us. 302 00:14:34.120 --> 00:14:36.799 The next morning, I ask, Hey, what's Damian like when 303 00:14:36.799 --> 00:14:40.200 the shops close. Laura looks up from her phone, masking 304 00:14:40.200 --> 00:14:43.759 her emotions expertly. Just another Sioux chef with too much time, 305 00:14:43.840 --> 00:14:47.720 she says, joking, too breezy. He helps me brains from pairings. 306 00:14:47.759 --> 00:14:50.600 There's a festival coming, I thought you saw the flyers. Later, 307 00:14:50.759 --> 00:14:53.720 scrolling through her Bakeri's Instagram, which I rarely check, I 308 00:14:53.799 --> 00:14:57.200 noticed all frequent stories from Damien's restaurant. Styllized dessert shots, 309 00:14:57.320 --> 00:14:59.960 always tagged with vague captions like special colab night or 310 00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:03.000 are inspired by great Company. I know Laura's haund trading 311 00:15:03.000 --> 00:15:06.360 by now, even in digital text overlays. She never credits 312 00:15:06.440 --> 00:15:08.960 Vertigorous directly. But if you know the wallpaper, the cutlery, 313 00:15:09.000 --> 00:15:11.759 you know it starts raining at noon, a fine silver 314 00:15:11.879 --> 00:15:13.960 mist that makes our street lit blow rate half formed. 315 00:15:14.639 --> 00:15:17.080 I decide to walk down past the bakery after closing, 316 00:15:17.399 --> 00:15:19.279 just on the pretense of waving through the window or 317 00:15:19.279 --> 00:15:22.240 picking up a baguette. The lights are low. Inside I 318 00:15:22.279 --> 00:15:26.639 see two silowatts. Laura head down, slumped with exhaustion, but laughing, 319 00:15:26.799 --> 00:15:29.080 alive in a wish. She isn't at home lately. The 320 00:15:29.120 --> 00:15:32.279 immense it's close, clearly sharing a bottle of that same usault. 321 00:15:33.000 --> 00:15:35.960 Their smiles are slow, private, her hand lingers too long 322 00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:39.279 around her glass. Something about their easy and intimacy with 323 00:15:39.320 --> 00:15:43.039 no audience makes me freeze. I back away, unseen Paulstraw, 324 00:15:43.080 --> 00:15:45.279 being with the certainty of being unwelcome in a world 325 00:15:45.279 --> 00:15:47.919 that was supposed to be half mine. The next morning, 326 00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:50.559 Brian passes me in the alley behind the bakery. I 327 00:15:50.600 --> 00:15:54.200 intercept him, my words tripping over adrenaline. Here's something going 328 00:15:54.200 --> 00:15:57.279 on I should know about, I ask, blunt, not hiding 329 00:15:57.279 --> 00:16:00.559 the tremor in my voice. He hesitates by his lip, 330 00:16:00.600 --> 00:16:03.960 eyes darting over my shoulder as if looking for escape. Finally, 331 00:16:04.039 --> 00:16:06.919 he says, I Laura and Damien they've gotten close. That's 332 00:16:06.960 --> 00:16:10.320 all I know. He's careful, measured, like some one reciting 333 00:16:10.320 --> 00:16:14.679 a warning memorized under pressure. I pause, close like friends. 334 00:16:15.240 --> 00:16:19.000 Brian shrugues, noncommittal, cautious. I don't get between people, Nick, 335 00:16:19.120 --> 00:16:21.519 but I don't think it's only about food. The tip 336 00:16:21.519 --> 00:16:23.240 of my tone aches with things I've wanted to say 337 00:16:23.279 --> 00:16:26.600 for weeks, but they have our unspoken Brian SLINKs away, 338 00:16:26.679 --> 00:16:30.159 his hesitation a confirmation, screaming louder than any omission. Back 339 00:16:30.240 --> 00:16:32.759 home before sunrise, Laura picks a fight out of nowhere. 340 00:16:33.360 --> 00:16:35.840 She accuses me of being negative, difficult to talk to you. 341 00:16:36.039 --> 00:16:39.519 Arms crossed, gaze hard. You're so checked out lately, it's 342 00:16:39.559 --> 00:16:42.200 like you don't even care what I'm building. I care, 343 00:16:42.320 --> 00:16:45.159 but you won't talk to me, I reply, bewildered. She 344 00:16:45.240 --> 00:16:48.159 shakes her head. You don't get it. I'm holding everything 345 00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:50.200 up alone. Might as well be living with a roommate, 346 00:16:50.360 --> 00:16:53.559 not a partner. It stings, not only for what she's implying, 347 00:16:53.600 --> 00:16:56.279 but for how backward it feels. I want to scream 348 00:16:56.279 --> 00:16:58.960 at her fer inverting the story. Instead, I leave the room. 349 00:16:59.519 --> 00:17:02.559 My head's bins. If she were innocent, if she was 350 00:17:02.639 --> 00:17:06.079 just struggling with work, wouldn't she want me closer, wouldn't 351 00:17:06.079 --> 00:17:08.519 she ask me to help with her supposedly crushing burdens. 352 00:17:09.079 --> 00:17:11.640 On nimpulse, I open our joint bank account, feeling both 353 00:17:11.640 --> 00:17:14.839 guilty and justified. There it is studied. He am withdrawals 354 00:17:14.839 --> 00:17:17.880 into bakery's neighborhood. Half all late at night, increment's write 355 00:17:17.880 --> 00:17:21.119 for a dinner or round of drinks. Laura never mentions these, 356 00:17:21.319 --> 00:17:24.880 and the bakery's cash flow is supposedly threadbare. Lucill corners 357 00:17:24.880 --> 00:17:27.200 me a week later, outside her story, rare moment away 358 00:17:27.200 --> 00:17:30.400 from Laura or the others. She studies me, her voice low, 359 00:17:31.000 --> 00:17:33.960 you doing okay? I hesitate, covering my shake with a 360 00:17:34.000 --> 00:17:36.799 joke about freelance dead lines. She gives a look that 361 00:17:36.839 --> 00:17:40.839 slices dribble, should quiet, concerned. The law's been off stressed, 362 00:17:40.839 --> 00:17:43.559 But there's more to it than just numbers. Nick Her 363 00:17:43.559 --> 00:17:48.279 words are careful, her eyes apologetic. Dean know something, she sighs, 364 00:17:48.319 --> 00:17:51.240 glancing back toward the bakery. I wish I did. Just 365 00:17:51.319 --> 00:17:54.400 don't take everything at face value and take care of yourself. Okay, 366 00:17:54.480 --> 00:17:57.079 she's not the only one who matters. I wander back 367 00:17:57.119 --> 00:17:59.680 to the apartment, Lusio's words bouncing in my head. The 368 00:17:59.720 --> 00:18:01.960 gravel of it all begins to ground out my nerves. 369 00:18:02.559 --> 00:18:04.880 I start sifting through old digital messages, looking for what 370 00:18:05.079 --> 00:18:08.599 I don't know, a bread combe at earlier moment I missed. 371 00:18:09.119 --> 00:18:11.240 I find it eventually a message from Laura to loose 372 00:18:11.279 --> 00:18:14.119 Alp buried three months back. The subject line is just 373 00:18:14.160 --> 00:18:17.960 a cakemoji. The body reads, Lately, I just feel invisible, 374 00:18:18.000 --> 00:18:19.640 like I could vanish at home and no one would 375 00:18:19.680 --> 00:18:21.759 really notice, as this all there is. I don't want 376 00:18:21.759 --> 00:18:23.880 to sound ungrateful, but sometimes I wish I might have 377 00:18:23.960 --> 00:18:26.480 more somewhere someone. It was sent the night after an 378 00:18:26.559 --> 00:18:29.279 argument I barely remember something about my freelance schedule, a 379 00:18:29.319 --> 00:18:32.720 deadline run long. Laura had retreated, quietly said she was 380 00:18:32.759 --> 00:18:35.160 tired and I'd let it go, never seeing her face 381 00:18:35.160 --> 00:18:38.960 as she curled on the couch. Suddenly the pattern is inescapable, 382 00:18:39.480 --> 00:18:42.519 then touch desserts, the secretive moodiness, the venmox exchanges, the 383 00:18:42.599 --> 00:18:45.000 laughter dial down in public only to rise in private, 384 00:18:45.079 --> 00:18:47.839 the wild eyed energy when the world isn't looking. Damien 385 00:18:47.960 --> 00:18:50.640 is more than a friendly chef, more than a professional collaborator. 386 00:18:51.160 --> 00:18:54.480 The secrecy isn't about pride, whether bakery or my suppose neglect. 387 00:18:55.160 --> 00:18:58.440 It's about needing something, attention, validation, excitement that I either 388 00:18:58.440 --> 00:19:01.039 can't give or fail to notice. She's started kneeding elsewhere. 389 00:19:01.599 --> 00:19:04.599 I close the laptop, hard pounding the apartment is full 390 00:19:04.599 --> 00:19:06.519 of all the life and love we'd built, yet now 391 00:19:06.519 --> 00:19:09.880 it feels staged, rented for the first time. I'm not 392 00:19:09.920 --> 00:19:12.599 hoping to be wrong. I'm hoping, if I'm right, that 393 00:19:12.640 --> 00:19:14.519 I still have the nerve to do what comes next. 394 00:19:15.200 --> 00:19:17.960 It doesn't happen all at once, but lutches tiny reversals, 395 00:19:18.000 --> 00:19:20.440 moments where I want to trust the simplest explanation, only 396 00:19:20.440 --> 00:19:22.880 for some new detail to climb against it, reverberating in 397 00:19:22.920 --> 00:19:26.480 the space between us. That night, as o'er hums distractedly 398 00:19:26.559 --> 00:19:28.519 through her skin care routine in the bathroom, I find 399 00:19:28.519 --> 00:19:31.759 myself cleaning up a half finished dinner. The leftover curry 400 00:19:31.759 --> 00:19:34.079 coats the pop perfectly and touched since I set the spoon. 401 00:19:34.119 --> 00:19:37.160