WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:09.759 on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Walls 4 00:00:09.800 --> 00:00:13.720 Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the 5 00:00:13.759 --> 00:00:17.719 iHeartRadio App. I feel like the weather's going to get 6 00:00:17.800 --> 00:00:21.800 chilly soon. I feel like we are headed into fall. 7 00:00:22.320 --> 00:00:25.719 The days are getting shorter. You know what that means, 8 00:00:25.879 --> 00:00:28.760 Hi producer Kayla, how are you doing today, wonderful, Doctor 9 00:00:28.760 --> 00:00:31.719 Wendy carry are you feeling fall like I am family 10 00:00:31.760 --> 00:00:33.960 fall like I wore like fall colors today, sort of 11 00:00:34.039 --> 00:00:37.479 rust and green. Yes, ready for it? So you know 12 00:00:37.520 --> 00:00:40.280 what that means. In the world of relationships, the holidays 13 00:00:40.280 --> 00:00:44.280 are coming up and that is often the big pressure 14 00:00:45.200 --> 00:00:48.399 to propose right now. I should say that we know 15 00:00:48.479 --> 00:00:52.159 that first time age. Let me get this straight. The 16 00:00:52.399 --> 00:00:56.600 age of first time marriage has continued to go up. 17 00:00:57.159 --> 00:01:01.359 Human beings are taking longer and longer too. I don't 18 00:01:01.479 --> 00:01:05.560 like the term failing to launch. I like the term 19 00:01:05.640 --> 00:01:09.079 giving the time necessary for the prefrontal cortex to fully developed. 20 00:01:09.439 --> 00:01:12.400 Then you can make better decisions for yourself. Right. Look, 21 00:01:12.560 --> 00:01:18.280 compare this in nineteen fifty, the average twenty seven year 22 00:01:18.280 --> 00:01:24.480 old dude was married, had a mortgage, had two kids, 23 00:01:25.120 --> 00:01:28.280 and that meant his wife was twenty five ish and 24 00:01:28.400 --> 00:01:31.400 same thing by that age, right, people were getting married 25 00:01:31.400 --> 00:01:34.359 at eighteen nineteen twenty. You know, I've read this interesting 26 00:01:34.400 --> 00:01:40.640 statistic about education. Did you know in nineteen seventy only 27 00:01:40.760 --> 00:01:44.519 four percent of Americans attended college. So it's not like 28 00:01:44.599 --> 00:01:46.920 you had that four or six years of education to 29 00:01:46.959 --> 00:01:50.040 eat up from age eighteen to twenty four, right. It 30 00:01:50.120 --> 00:01:54.959 was like an evolutionary psychologist would say that reproduction is 31 00:01:55.040 --> 00:01:59.840 far more urgent than education. Education is about eventually making money, 32 00:02:00.079 --> 00:02:02.640 securing resources from the environment to pay for kids. Right. 33 00:02:03.359 --> 00:02:06.480 So anyway, what does this mean for marriage? And now 34 00:02:06.640 --> 00:02:09.800 an age of marriage and holidays coming up and proposals. 35 00:02:10.280 --> 00:02:16.000 So let me talk about if I think your relationship 36 00:02:16.840 --> 00:02:21.080 is ready for a proposal. Now you might be somebody 37 00:02:21.120 --> 00:02:23.159 who's and I'm going to put gender on it just 38 00:02:23.199 --> 00:02:25.479 for a second, because you know, I proposed to my husband, 39 00:02:25.639 --> 00:02:27.479 you know that, right. We did it live on KFI, 40 00:02:28.039 --> 00:02:30.159 so you can take out the gender piece. But there 41 00:02:30.159 --> 00:02:35.000 were a few things we had before I popped the question, 42 00:02:35.759 --> 00:02:38.840 and it was I knew what the answer was going 43 00:02:38.919 --> 00:02:41.599 to be, right, So never ask a question. It's like 44 00:02:41.840 --> 00:02:44.360 in a courtroom. Don't ask a question like that unless 45 00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:46.639 you know what the answer is going to be. No surprises. 46 00:02:46.960 --> 00:02:49.759 I was actually cruising online the other day and they 47 00:02:49.919 --> 00:02:53.280 had a video of a proposal that went wrong. I 48 00:02:53.319 --> 00:02:55.879 think it was staged because it was like some one 49 00:02:55.879 --> 00:02:59.240 of those click trap videos whatever they're called clickbait things. 50 00:02:59.400 --> 00:02:59.560 Was it? 51 00:02:59.560 --> 00:03:01.520 The girlf holds into the guy and she was like 52 00:03:01.520 --> 00:03:03.639 counting down, like four hours until I proposed three hours 53 00:03:03.639 --> 00:03:04.639 intel proposal. 54 00:03:04.319 --> 00:03:06.319 So what happened there? He said no. 55 00:03:06.639 --> 00:03:09.039 They were together for nine years and he told her 56 00:03:09.080 --> 00:03:10.400 that he didn't want to get married. 57 00:03:10.759 --> 00:03:13.120 Never ask a question you don't know the answer to. 58 00:03:13.360 --> 00:03:18.199 I know this was a couple making out or walking 59 00:03:18.240 --> 00:03:20.039 into a bedroom to make out and says, you know, 60 00:03:20.080 --> 00:03:23.159 the most awkward wedding proposal, And then she happens, says 61 00:03:23.159 --> 00:03:25.159 he's taking off his shoes and pulling down his pants. 62 00:03:25.319 --> 00:03:28.919 She looks down and she sees a trail of rose 63 00:03:28.960 --> 00:03:32.000 petals that go out the bedroom door, and she's like, 64 00:03:32.639 --> 00:03:34.560 oh my god, I thought he was away on a 65 00:03:34.599 --> 00:03:40.719 business trip. And she hides the boyfriend. She follows the 66 00:03:40.759 --> 00:03:44.479 trail of rose petals into the bathroom where there's a 67 00:03:44.479 --> 00:03:48.439 bubble bath and candles and everything, and he's humming along 68 00:03:48.520 --> 00:03:51.439 laying out rose petals with his earbuds in so he 69 00:03:51.479 --> 00:03:53.879 can't hear her come in. And he looks up and 70 00:03:53.919 --> 00:03:57.080 he's like, oh, hi, honey, you're home early. I didn't 71 00:03:57.080 --> 00:03:59.479 get fully set up. Yeah, I think it was a 72 00:03:59.479 --> 00:04:04.000 fake video. But anyway, don't be proposing if you're having affairs, 73 00:04:04.080 --> 00:04:05.639 either of you. Just want to say that, all right, 74 00:04:06.199 --> 00:04:08.080 let's look at the science and the data and the 75 00:04:08.120 --> 00:04:11.800 statistics on whether your relationship is ready for a marriage 76 00:04:11.800 --> 00:04:15.800 proposal this holiday season. One. How old are you? Okay, 77 00:04:15.840 --> 00:04:20.920 I'm just just statistical probability. The highest divorce rate are 78 00:04:20.959 --> 00:04:25.600 with marriages that start before the age of twenty four. Now, 79 00:04:25.759 --> 00:04:29.040 the prefrontal cortex, that's the part of your brain that 80 00:04:29.199 --> 00:04:36.439 is very important for planning, organization, thinking about consequences, that's 81 00:04:36.480 --> 00:04:39.319 not fully developed until at least twenty five or twenty six. 82 00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:44.160 So if you're making a major life decision prior to that, 83 00:04:44.720 --> 00:04:46.600 you have a good chance that you're making a wrong decision. 84 00:04:46.800 --> 00:04:48.759 Like I often say, you shouldn't be allowed to do 85 00:04:49.000 --> 00:04:51.920 make any decision except like ordering from a menu until 86 00:04:51.959 --> 00:04:54.519 you're twenty five, all right, so your age please be 87 00:04:54.560 --> 00:04:57.720 at least over the age of twenty four, please please please. Also, 88 00:04:57.800 --> 00:05:01.000 let's talk about the length of your relationationships. So far, 89 00:05:02.079 --> 00:05:06.639 I don't think any two people should even consider spending 90 00:05:06.680 --> 00:05:09.800 the rest of their lives together. Put a pin in that. 91 00:05:09.959 --> 00:05:11.600 I'll explain that that's not going to happen either in 92 00:05:11.600 --> 00:05:15.519 a minute, but spending a very long time, potentially decades together, 93 00:05:15.639 --> 00:05:19.439 maybe raising children together. You should not consider that unless 94 00:05:19.480 --> 00:05:21.800 you've gone through at least four seasons with this person, 95 00:05:22.199 --> 00:05:25.600 at least one calendar year. Please. When I hear about 96 00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:28.560 people rushing to the altar after they've only met three 97 00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:31.439 months ago, all I can think is, you are getting 98 00:05:31.480 --> 00:05:36.160 married in the flush of high from all those neuro hormones. 99 00:05:36.199 --> 00:05:38.959 It's lust phase, baby, It's not love yet. You haven't 100 00:05:38.959 --> 00:05:41.800 even developed into love, so you need to go through 101 00:05:41.839 --> 00:05:45.480 all the birthdays, all the holidays, all the seasons. I mean, 102 00:05:45.720 --> 00:05:48.480 by the time I proposed to my Julio, we had 103 00:05:48.480 --> 00:05:52.040 been together four years, right, so we're pretty sure. And 104 00:05:52.079 --> 00:05:54.360 we also had a deal. We wanted to launch our 105 00:05:54.399 --> 00:05:57.199 youngest kid, so we were waiting for his kid to 106 00:05:57.240 --> 00:05:59.800 graduate high school. My kid graduated him from s to 107 00:05:59.800 --> 00:06:02.079 Titian school, got a job or own place. You know, 108 00:06:02.600 --> 00:06:04.720 we needed our youngest to be a little bit on 109 00:06:04.759 --> 00:06:07.519 their feet, all right, So be together at least a year. 110 00:06:07.839 --> 00:06:10.680 So you're over twenty five, you've been together at least 111 00:06:10.720 --> 00:06:15.360 a year. Here's a crucial one. Your tribe approves, both 112 00:06:15.439 --> 00:06:17.959 your tribes approve. I used to host a show for 113 00:06:18.040 --> 00:06:21.680 Investigation Discovery called Happily Never After about brides and grooms 114 00:06:21.680 --> 00:06:24.680 that killed each other. Spoiler alert is mostly the grooms 115 00:06:24.680 --> 00:06:27.360 that did the killing, but almost one hundred percent of 116 00:06:27.399 --> 00:06:31.680 the time they eloped because somebody's family didn't approve. So 117 00:06:31.759 --> 00:06:34.439 please pay attention to the other people in your life 118 00:06:34.680 --> 00:06:41.839 before you propose. And finally, do you have emotional intimacy? 119 00:06:42.920 --> 00:06:45.680 I know that people go through the motions of a 120 00:06:45.680 --> 00:06:50.199 love relationship. They think they're communicating, they have great sex, 121 00:06:50.560 --> 00:06:53.959 they look great together, they have the same likes and interests, 122 00:06:54.560 --> 00:06:58.160 But are they really vulnerable? Do they talk about their feelings? 123 00:06:58.639 --> 00:07:02.199 Can they be authentic? Because at the end of the day, 124 00:07:02.720 --> 00:07:07.199 what keeps relationships together is intimacy. And if you don't 125 00:07:07.199 --> 00:07:12.759 have emotional intimacy, you have no business getting married now. 126 00:07:13.079 --> 00:07:17.079 I mentioned if this decision and you think this decision 127 00:07:17.439 --> 00:07:20.000 is about getting married and doing something for the rest 128 00:07:20.040 --> 00:07:23.319 of your life, you're wrong. When till Death Do Us 129 00:07:23.399 --> 00:07:27.439 Part was invented, death was pretty imminent, and because of 130 00:07:27.519 --> 00:07:33.319 our continuing expansion of our life expectancies, even the most 131 00:07:33.360 --> 00:07:36.519 monogamous of humans can expect two or even three long 132 00:07:36.560 --> 00:07:40.240 stints of monogamy on their lifespan. Divorce does not mean 133 00:07:40.319 --> 00:07:43.800 a failed marriage. It's only a A relationship is only 134 00:07:43.800 --> 00:07:46.000 a failure if you haven'tlearned anything and aren't a different 135 00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:48.920 person into your next one. But if you do have children, 136 00:07:49.160 --> 00:07:51.279 I'm a big proponent that you should at least try 137 00:07:51.319 --> 00:07:54.040 to make that commitment for eighteen years, just saying that's 138 00:07:54.040 --> 00:07:56.560 what you need to do, all right. When we come back, 139 00:07:56.560 --> 00:07:59.120 there's this new trend. I was actually approached by Bride's 140 00:07:59.160 --> 00:08:02.519 magazine to comment on it. A new trend where some 141 00:08:02.680 --> 00:08:09.079 brides are going on bachelorette trips solo alone. Let's talk 142 00:08:09.120 --> 00:08:11.560 about this trend when we come back. You were listening 143 00:08:11.560 --> 00:08:14.160 to The Doctor, Wendy Wall Show and KFI AM six 144 00:08:14.240 --> 00:08:17.480 forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio. 145 00:08:16.759 --> 00:08:21.920 App you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from 146 00:08:22.000 --> 00:08:23.639 KFI AM six forty. 147 00:08:25.240 --> 00:08:27.160 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show and k 148 00:08:27.399 --> 00:08:30.839 I AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 149 00:08:31.040 --> 00:08:32.960 If you're new to me, I have a PhD in 150 00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:37.320 clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, but personally I'm obsessed 151 00:08:37.360 --> 00:08:39.320 with the science of love and I've written three books 152 00:08:39.320 --> 00:08:44.240 on relationships. And I got married in August on August ninth. 153 00:08:44.600 --> 00:08:47.559 You were there, Producer, Kayla. I still have fond memories. 154 00:08:47.759 --> 00:08:50.240 Such a beautiful adding. I still have fond memory. It 155 00:08:50.279 --> 00:08:53.080 was so much fun. Now at I'm a woman of 156 00:08:53.120 --> 00:08:56.960 a certain age. I did not have a bachelorette party. 157 00:08:57.320 --> 00:09:01.720 He did not have a bachelor party. It's silly, seemingly, 158 00:09:01.799 --> 00:09:03.960 what is that supposed to be a last hurrah that 159 00:09:04.000 --> 00:09:06.080 you go out and pretend you're single on one night? 160 00:09:06.159 --> 00:09:10.000 What have you? However, a week before the wedding, a 161 00:09:10.120 --> 00:09:13.919 number of girlfriends of mine up in Oregon where we 162 00:09:13.960 --> 00:09:18.440 got married, actually held a little of very elegant, five 163 00:09:18.519 --> 00:09:21.679 course tasting menu dinner at one of the vineyards for me. 164 00:09:21.759 --> 00:09:23.720 So that's how we do it. A little classy thing 165 00:09:24.000 --> 00:09:26.120 sip a bunch of wine, eat some delicious food, and 166 00:09:26.159 --> 00:09:28.480 we're all good and we're out of there. I also 167 00:09:28.519 --> 00:09:32.080 own airbnbs where I have been the host of numerous 168 00:09:32.279 --> 00:09:36.919 bachelorette parties. Some of them have been cut short. I 169 00:09:36.960 --> 00:09:40.279 actually had a group ask for a partial refrun because 170 00:09:40.480 --> 00:09:43.559 my fingers are making quotation marks now. The bride got 171 00:09:43.759 --> 00:09:49.200 sick after eating something at a vineyard. She drank too much. 172 00:09:49.480 --> 00:09:51.639 She barfed in my airbnb, and they wanted their money back. 173 00:09:51.679 --> 00:09:54.360 I'm sorry, take her home all right, learned how to 174 00:09:54.360 --> 00:09:57.360 handle her thing. Now, What is the right thing to 175 00:09:57.399 --> 00:10:00.720 do for a bachelor or bachelorette party? Talk about the ladies, 176 00:10:00.720 --> 00:10:03.360 because that's all I'm caring about these days. Dudes, go out, 177 00:10:03.440 --> 00:10:06.080 go to your strip clubs with your guys. I don't know, enjoy, 178 00:10:06.240 --> 00:10:07.279 I don't know. I'm not going to be there. I 179 00:10:07.279 --> 00:10:09.559 don't want to hear about it. When I was young, 180 00:10:09.639 --> 00:10:11.960 I used to hear you there'd always be one dude 181 00:10:11.960 --> 00:10:14.679 who actually had emotional intimacy with his girlfriend, and he 182 00:10:14.720 --> 00:10:18.000 would come home from the party and tell about the debauchery, 183 00:10:18.320 --> 00:10:20.039 and then the girls club would call each other and 184 00:10:20.120 --> 00:10:22.679 hear about it, and it was just drama that happened, 185 00:10:22.879 --> 00:10:24.879 So guys, just keep it to yourself out there, enjoy, 186 00:10:24.919 --> 00:10:28.799 all right. I did go to one bachelorette party of 187 00:10:28.799 --> 00:10:30.960 a woman who got married in her fifties, and she 188 00:10:31.080 --> 00:10:34.320 did the whole Vegas show strip clubs, like literally a 189 00:10:34.360 --> 00:10:38.720 crown of plastic penises. It was so gross. It was 190 00:10:38.759 --> 00:10:41.600 so not like when you're just don't don't even try 191 00:10:41.639 --> 00:10:43.039 to do the young girl thing. Even if you're a 192 00:10:43.080 --> 00:10:45.919 young girl, don't wear a crown of penises. This is 193 00:10:45.919 --> 00:10:49.799 something weird about that, all right, But there's a new trend. 194 00:10:50.039 --> 00:10:54.000 I was approached by Bride's magazine. They asked me would 195 00:10:54.039 --> 00:10:58.639 a solo trip be beneficial for a bride, And it 196 00:10:58.679 --> 00:11:00.360 made me think, because you know, my knee jerk reaction 197 00:11:00.440 --> 00:11:03.639 is going to be hell no, like get with your friends, 198 00:11:03.679 --> 00:11:06.320 that's the whole thing. But then I spent some time 199 00:11:06.360 --> 00:11:09.279 thinking about it and I realized that, you know, not 200 00:11:09.399 --> 00:11:14.720 everyone is wired the same way. So I'm an extrovert. Extroverts. 201 00:11:14.759 --> 00:11:16.559 It's not about the fact that we talk a lot, 202 00:11:16.679 --> 00:11:19.840 although some of us do. It's just that extroverts get 203 00:11:19.879 --> 00:11:24.080 their energy by being around other people. So after we 204 00:11:24.120 --> 00:11:26.519 go out to some kind of party, we come home, 205 00:11:26.519 --> 00:11:27.919 make a cup of coffee and talk all night about 206 00:11:27.919 --> 00:11:29.799 everything that happen, and text everybody because we are just 207 00:11:30.039 --> 00:11:32.960 jazzed up. If an introvert goes to that party, they 208 00:11:33.000 --> 00:11:34.559 come home and get under the covers and they don't 209 00:11:34.559 --> 00:11:37.320 want to go out for a week. They're exhausted from it, right, 210 00:11:38.039 --> 00:11:43.039 So introverts refuel through solitude. So let's say a bride 211 00:11:43.120 --> 00:11:46.279 is an introvert, and let's say she's planning the biggest 212 00:11:46.360 --> 00:11:48.320 day of her life that she knows is going to 213 00:11:48.320 --> 00:11:53.840 be absolutely exhausting for her. A wild bachelorette party might 214 00:11:53.879 --> 00:11:56.360 not be the thing for her. She might actually feel 215 00:11:56.399 --> 00:12:00.960 depleted and exhausted and worried about the wedding. Or so 216 00:12:01.600 --> 00:12:03.120 I thought about it. I thought, you know what, there 217 00:12:03.120 --> 00:12:07.759 are some lovely introvert brides out there who might benefit 218 00:12:08.080 --> 00:12:12.279 from just taking a bachelor a trip all by themselves. However, 219 00:12:12.919 --> 00:12:14.799 there are a number of things that she's got to 220 00:12:14.840 --> 00:12:18.759 consider before she books that solo trip. First, she does 221 00:12:18.840 --> 00:12:22.120 have to think about the feelings of other people. Remember 222 00:12:22.600 --> 00:12:26.639 her tribe, her sisters, her mom, her friends. They want 223 00:12:26.679 --> 00:12:30.279 to celebrate her, and she has to think about their 224 00:12:30.320 --> 00:12:36.720 emotional needs. So maybe if this introverted bride understands that 225 00:12:36.759 --> 00:12:40.080 these people around her do need to do something. She 226 00:12:40.120 --> 00:12:43.960 could suggest let's do a quiet luncheon or let's just 227 00:12:44.000 --> 00:12:45.600 do a spa You ever do a SPA day with 228 00:12:45.639 --> 00:12:47.159 a bunch of girls. You never see them except in 229 00:12:47.159 --> 00:12:49.679 the tea room in between the services, maybe in the 230 00:12:49.720 --> 00:12:51.159 hot time for a minute, so you can say, hey, 231 00:12:51.200 --> 00:12:54.440 we could just do a SPA day together. Right, So, 232 00:12:54.919 --> 00:12:58.519 if you really are truly somebody who needs a dose 233 00:12:58.559 --> 00:13:02.840 of alone time that will help you feel like mentally fortified, 234 00:13:03.399 --> 00:13:05.879 just explain it to the people who matter and then 235 00:13:05.960 --> 00:13:11.080 suggest something quieter, and then also explain to them that 236 00:13:11.240 --> 00:13:15.039 your solo trip is designed to help you weather the 237 00:13:15.080 --> 00:13:19.279 madness of your wedding weekend. It's not designed to exclude them. 238 00:13:19.559 --> 00:13:22.480 There's no harm intended here, and if they truly love you, 239 00:13:22.840 --> 00:13:26.639 they will understand. Now here's the next thing. A solo 240 00:13:26.720 --> 00:13:30.519 bride needs to consider how she should best honor herself. 241 00:13:31.279 --> 00:13:37.440 So if that trip is like super adventuroists or physically taxing, 242 00:13:37.480 --> 00:13:41.039 I'm going to go climb a mountain, I'm gonna you know, 243 00:13:41.360 --> 00:13:44.080 that might best be saved for a couple's trip. Have 244 00:13:44.240 --> 00:13:46.480 your dude with you or something. You don't want to 245 00:13:46.519 --> 00:13:51.519 come back from your solo bachelorette trip absolutely exhausted. And 246 00:13:51.600 --> 00:13:54.360 another thing, you don't want to expose a bride to 247 00:13:54.480 --> 00:13:57.399 parties and nightclubs because you know what, they're filled with 248 00:13:57.679 --> 00:14:00.360 potential mate poachers. That's where you get cold. You have 249 00:14:00.440 --> 00:14:04.159 second thoughts. Right, so I would say Abiza probably off 250 00:14:04.159 --> 00:14:07.799 the list, right, Vegas off the list. Don't go to nightclubs, 251 00:14:07.840 --> 00:14:10.159 don't go to parties. And another thing you got to 252 00:14:10.200 --> 00:14:15.559 think about is safety. Women traveling alone, sadly, are often 253 00:14:15.639 --> 00:14:19.600 targets for crime. So even if you're in a safe place, 254 00:14:19.639 --> 00:14:22.960 sometimes being alone in an unfamiliar place can make you 255 00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:27.159 have feelings of anxiety about personal safety. Right, So here's 256 00:14:27.159 --> 00:14:29.840 some ideas I have for a great women's solo trip, 257 00:14:30.759 --> 00:14:33.919 a women's only retreat. If you literally go and google 258 00:14:33.960 --> 00:14:36.759 the words like women's retreats near me, there are thousands 259 00:14:36.759 --> 00:14:39.399 of them. So you might be alone and there might 260 00:14:39.480 --> 00:14:42.120 be stranger women around. You might go to yoga with 261 00:14:42.200 --> 00:14:45.039 them or talks with them, but you still have your 262 00:14:45.039 --> 00:14:47.519 own room and your own time, and you feel that 263 00:14:47.600 --> 00:14:51.120 you can find solitude. The other thing you can do 264 00:14:51.240 --> 00:14:54.519 is just rent your own luxury Airbnb where your super 265 00:14:54.559 --> 00:14:57.120 hosts live there too, so you got somebody there if 266 00:14:57.120 --> 00:14:59.480 you need to be, but you'll be maybe immersed in nature. 267 00:15:00.120 --> 00:15:03.360 You can also do your own spa weekend alone, you know, 268 00:15:04.159 --> 00:15:06.679 or you can take an educational trip, like go to 269 00:15:06.720 --> 00:15:09.679 an international cooking school. That could be fun. I'm not 270 00:15:09.840 --> 00:15:11.320 saying because you're going to be a bride you need 271 00:15:11.360 --> 00:15:13.000 to learn how to cook. I'm sorry, I don't mean 272 00:15:13.039 --> 00:15:14.960 to throw that in there. I happen to enjoy cooking, 273 00:15:15.000 --> 00:15:18.639 it's my hobby. My Julio is not a great cook, 274 00:15:19.039 --> 00:15:21.159 so he likes a judicious so we're all good with 275 00:15:21.440 --> 00:15:27.759 the division of labor in the house. So obviously, bachelorette 276 00:15:27.759 --> 00:15:30.519 parties have big benefits, right Going out with a group 277 00:15:30.600 --> 00:15:33.240 of friends who love you is this wonderful feeling of community. 278 00:15:33.600 --> 00:15:36.759 It's an opportunity for you to feel honored and spoiled. 279 00:15:37.159 --> 00:15:39.679 And if you are an extrovert, you will have a 280 00:15:39.679 --> 00:15:42.799 flip and ball. But if you're an introvert, this party 281 00:15:42.840 --> 00:15:45.879 can feel exhausting, and that's not a feeling a bride 282 00:15:45.919 --> 00:15:48.240 needs to have right before her big day. You have 283 00:15:48.320 --> 00:15:51.080 to worry now about planning the bachelorette trip, and you 284 00:15:51.159 --> 00:15:53.759 get stress about making sure everybody has a good time. 285 00:15:54.000 --> 00:15:58.200 Oh oh oh, and there's the social stress of managing 286 00:15:58.200 --> 00:16:02.440 those what I call interpersonal conflict between the girlfriends. If 287 00:16:02.440 --> 00:16:04.840 you don't know what I'm talking about, it's time to 288 00:16:04.960 --> 00:16:09.399 go rewatch the film Bridesmaids. If this movie scares you, 289 00:16:09.399 --> 00:16:12.039 you need to take a solo trip. That's all I'm saying. 290 00:16:12.080 --> 00:16:16.240 Take a solo trip. Okay, let's move from weddings and 291 00:16:16.279 --> 00:16:19.679 proposals and bachelorette trips and talk about how to have 292 00:16:19.720 --> 00:16:23.639 a healthy relationship when we come back. Two things that 293 00:16:23.799 --> 00:16:28.200 healthy couples never ever, ever do. I hope you don't 294 00:16:28.200 --> 00:16:30.240 do these things. You're listening to the Dr Wendy Wall 295 00:16:30.320 --> 00:16:33.440 Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on 296 00:16:33.480 --> 00:16:34.679 the iHeartRadio app. 297 00:16:35.200 --> 00:16:39.440 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 298 00:16:39.639 --> 00:16:40.600 AM six forty. 299 00:16:41.440 --> 00:16:44.120 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI 300 00:16:44.240 --> 00:16:48.279 AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I'm 301 00:16:48.320 --> 00:16:51.879 going to share something with you. I was a really 302 00:16:52.039 --> 00:16:58.320 lousy partner for decades. I'm a big believer that relationships 303 00:16:58.440 --> 00:17:03.240 are far more about skill then luck and Where did 304 00:17:03.240 --> 00:17:07.319 I learn these relationship skills. I'll be honest, mostly through therapy, 305 00:17:07.720 --> 00:17:11.240 you know, because you learn how to communicate your deepest feelings, 306 00:17:11.279 --> 00:17:17.759 et cetera. But also practice in relationships, right, stuff that 307 00:17:17.799 --> 00:17:21.440 didn't work, Like, there are things that I did that 308 00:17:21.519 --> 00:17:23.839 I cringe at now and I worry. But now I'm 309 00:17:23.920 --> 00:17:26.079 happy to tell you I have, what I think is, 310 00:17:26.119 --> 00:17:29.839 I'm knocking on wood, a pretty healthy relationship. So I 311 00:17:29.880 --> 00:17:32.839 was reading through some of the recent literature on how 312 00:17:32.880 --> 00:17:35.200 to have a good, healthy relationship, because that's the other thing. 313 00:17:35.240 --> 00:17:37.839 You got to keep doing the work, keep reading the stuff. 314 00:17:38.640 --> 00:17:41.680 And I noticed that research has shown that there are 315 00:17:41.720 --> 00:17:45.440 two things and if they are done in a relationship, 316 00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:52.519 they can seriously damage the relationship. And the first is 317 00:17:52.720 --> 00:17:58.359 using sarcasm. Do you know what sarcasm is, producer Kayla, Yeah, 318 00:17:58.359 --> 00:18:01.240 I know how to use it, of course you do. 319 00:18:01.799 --> 00:18:03.640 It's saying one thing. You know. When I was raising 320 00:18:03.640 --> 00:18:06.000 my kids, we call it the opposite game, Right, You're 321 00:18:06.000 --> 00:18:09.640 teaching sarcasm by saying you say one thing, but you 322 00:18:09.759 --> 00:18:13.039 mean the opposite. And that's what sarcasm is. Some people 323 00:18:13.039 --> 00:18:17.279 would call it the lowest form of wit. The famous 324 00:18:17.400 --> 00:18:19.799 Gotmans John and Julie Gotman up at the University of 325 00:18:19.920 --> 00:18:24.200 Washington in the Marriage Lamb lab say that sarcasm is 326 00:18:24.359 --> 00:18:26.920 can be one of the most dangerous things to use 327 00:18:27.000 --> 00:18:31.880 in a relationship. Why because it's actually a negative dig 328 00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:35.160 at your partner and you're trying to make a joke. Now, 329 00:18:35.880 --> 00:18:38.480 I'm just gonna say this, there is a little bit 330 00:18:38.480 --> 00:18:42.880 of truth behind every joke. And when we talk about 331 00:18:42.920 --> 00:18:45.759 black humor or dark humor, it is humor. Like all 332 00:18:45.839 --> 00:18:49.599 humor is tragedy viewed from across the street, and dark 333 00:18:49.680 --> 00:18:52.079 humor is humor where that's not even a wide street, 334 00:18:52.119 --> 00:18:54.319 it's a little path. Right, You're like, oh, that's not 335 00:18:54.359 --> 00:18:57.160 even funny. People that look at stand up comedians and 336 00:18:57.200 --> 00:19:00.359 get hurt by what they say are hurt because because 337 00:19:00.559 --> 00:19:04.559 they don't have enough distance from the material, Right, whatever's happened. 338 00:19:05.119 --> 00:19:08.839 So you're trying to be funny, You're trying to veil 339 00:19:08.960 --> 00:19:12.079 your criticism in a little bit of humor, So you 340 00:19:12.240 --> 00:19:17.359 use sarcasm, and it never works. The person I either 341 00:19:17.400 --> 00:19:21.559 feel confused like what do they mean? Or the like. 342 00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:25.480 For instance, let's say your mate comes out looking fabulous 343 00:19:25.519 --> 00:19:26.960 to go out for the night, and you go, well, 344 00:19:27.480 --> 00:19:30.319 are you going to shower before we leave, or you 345 00:19:30.359 --> 00:19:33.079 look a hot mess, and they feel like, are they 346 00:19:33.119 --> 00:19:35.640 giving me a compliment? Am I the butt of a joke? 347 00:19:35.960 --> 00:19:38.200 Why don't you just say, hey, you look great? Right 348 00:19:39.359 --> 00:19:41.079 by the way, I used to get insulted when guys 349 00:19:41.079 --> 00:19:43.599 would say, oh, you got all dulled up. I was like, no, 350 00:19:43.680 --> 00:19:45.960 just say I look good. Don't say I like tried 351 00:19:46.000 --> 00:19:48.359 to put some artificial things on me to look like 352 00:19:48.400 --> 00:19:50.920 a doll. He thought he was giving me a compliment. 353 00:19:51.000 --> 00:19:52.640 I'm like, no, just tell me I look pretty, not 354 00:19:52.839 --> 00:19:57.039 like hmm. I used to here's a bad one. A 355 00:19:57.039 --> 00:19:58.960 bad one. So back in the day before we had text, 356 00:19:59.079 --> 00:20:01.400 before we had iPhones and everything else, you would be 357 00:20:01.440 --> 00:20:04.519 waiting and waiting for a guide call. And then if 358 00:20:04.559 --> 00:20:07.599 he was taking too long, and my anxious attachment and 359 00:20:07.640 --> 00:20:12.279 feelings of abandonment who blew into anger. I would see 360 00:20:12.279 --> 00:20:14.039 the phone number light up on the collar idea and 361 00:20:14.079 --> 00:20:16.039 I would pick up and go, oh, I see you 362 00:20:16.119 --> 00:20:19.279 learned how to dial a phone. Sounds like a compliment, right, 363 00:20:19.279 --> 00:20:21.759 they learned something new. But what was I really saying? 364 00:20:21.799 --> 00:20:25.039 You haven't called? Where are you? It might be something 365 00:20:25.119 --> 00:20:28.200 light like honey. Every day when I see the socks 366 00:20:28.240 --> 00:20:31.240 on the floor. I just am remind it's my favorite 367 00:20:31.359 --> 00:20:36.240 form of home decoration. Oh come on, or how about 368 00:20:36.559 --> 00:20:41.559 oh sports on TV again? What a surprise? You guys 369 00:20:41.640 --> 00:20:45.920 need to stop that. You can just simply say, oh, 370 00:20:46.200 --> 00:20:48.000 are we in the World Series now? Are you going 371 00:20:48.039 --> 00:20:50.400 to need a lot of time to watch the Dodgers 372 00:20:50.440 --> 00:20:52.039 and the Yankees in the next few weeks? Is that 373 00:20:52.039 --> 00:20:55.119 what's happening? Just ask, but don't or just say hey, 374 00:20:55.119 --> 00:20:57.440 I'm wondering if we can have some alone time before 375 00:20:57.559 --> 00:21:00.720 or after the game. Say what your needs are. Don't 376 00:21:00.720 --> 00:21:04.279 be afraid. Okay. The second thing that should never happen 377 00:21:04.319 --> 00:21:05.839 in a relationship, and I used to do when I 378 00:21:05.839 --> 00:21:08.680 was young all the time, is trying to make your 379 00:21:08.799 --> 00:21:13.759 partner feel jealous. I think women are particularly good at this, right. 380 00:21:14.359 --> 00:21:16.559 You know what I used to do, caitleb. I used 381 00:21:16.559 --> 00:21:19.680 to leave other guy's phone numbers on pieces of paper 382 00:21:19.799 --> 00:21:22.000 in my car if I knew my guy was gonna 383 00:21:22.000 --> 00:21:25.319 borrow my car or something. I love that I love it, 384 00:21:25.519 --> 00:21:26.880 so you just see the number down there. 385 00:21:26.920 --> 00:21:27.160 Yeah. 386 00:21:27.400 --> 00:21:29.559 Yeah, And one time a guy confronted me. He was 387 00:21:29.599 --> 00:21:32.279 really angry, and he was a restaurant owner. So I'm 388 00:21:32.279 --> 00:21:34.920 sure people girls handed them their phone number all day long. 389 00:21:35.079 --> 00:21:36.920 He reached in his pocket and pulled out like four 390 00:21:36.960 --> 00:21:39.200 papers with numbers, and he goes, don't think you're the 391 00:21:39.200 --> 00:21:39.680 only one. 392 00:21:39.799 --> 00:21:45.440 Oh check mewha, whoa so actually, some researchers decided to 393 00:21:45.440 --> 00:21:48.200 do a study to find out if trying to make 394 00:21:48.200 --> 00:21:50.759 your partner jealous. 395 00:21:50.640 --> 00:21:55.079 Actually fans the flames of desire or makes them insecure 396 00:21:55.319 --> 00:21:58.400 or angry. So guess what all the results should and 397 00:21:58.440 --> 00:22:01.519 they used a virtual reality, they used imagination, They did 398 00:22:01.519 --> 00:22:03.599 three different ways. I won't get into how they did 399 00:22:03.599 --> 00:22:08.039 the study. The results are more interesting. Across all the experiments, 400 00:22:08.480 --> 00:22:15.160 one recurring theme emerged when participants observed others showing interest 401 00:22:15.279 --> 00:22:23.680