Speaker 1: This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Speaker 1: Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio App. I feel like the weather's going to get
Speaker 1: chilly soon. I feel like we are headed into fall.
Speaker 1: The days are getting shorter. You know what that means,
Speaker 1: Hi producer Kayla, how are you doing today, wonderful, Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy carry are you feeling fall like I am family
Speaker 1: fall like I wore like fall colors today, sort of
Speaker 1: rust and green. Yes, ready for it? So you know
Speaker 1: what that means. In the world of relationships, the holidays
Speaker 1: are coming up and that is often the big pressure
Speaker 1: to propose right now. I should say that we know
Speaker 1: that first time age. Let me get this straight. The
Speaker 1: age of first time marriage has continued to go up.
Speaker 1: Human beings are taking longer and longer too. I don't
Speaker 1: like the term failing to launch. I like the term
Speaker 1: giving the time necessary for the prefrontal cortex to fully developed.
Speaker 1: Then you can make better decisions for yourself. Right. Look,
Speaker 1: compare this in nineteen fifty, the average twenty seven year
Speaker 1: old dude was married, had a mortgage, had two kids,
Speaker 1: and that meant his wife was twenty five ish and
Speaker 1: same thing by that age, right, people were getting married
Speaker 1: at eighteen nineteen twenty. You know, I've read this interesting
Speaker 1: statistic about education. Did you know in nineteen seventy only
Speaker 1: four percent of Americans attended college. So it's not like
Speaker 1: you had that four or six years of education to
Speaker 1: eat up from age eighteen to twenty four, right. It
Speaker 1: was like an evolutionary psychologist would say that reproduction is
Speaker 1: far more urgent than education. Education is about eventually making money,
Speaker 1: securing resources from the environment to pay for kids. Right.
Speaker 1: So anyway, what does this mean for marriage? And now
Speaker 1: an age of marriage and holidays coming up and proposals.
Speaker 1: So let me talk about if I think your relationship
Speaker 1: is ready for a proposal. Now you might be somebody
Speaker 1: who's and I'm going to put gender on it just
Speaker 1: for a second, because you know, I proposed to my husband,
Speaker 1: you know that, right. We did it live on KFI,
Speaker 1: so you can take out the gender piece. But there
Speaker 1: were a few things we had before I popped the question,
Speaker 1: and it was I knew what the answer was going
Speaker 1: to be, right, So never ask a question. It's like
Speaker 1: in a courtroom. Don't ask a question like that unless
Speaker 1: you know what the answer is going to be. No surprises.
Speaker 1: I was actually cruising online the other day and they
Speaker 1: had a video of a proposal that went wrong. I
Speaker 1: think it was staged because it was like some one
Speaker 1: of those click trap videos whatever they're called clickbait things.
Speaker 1: Was it?
Speaker 2: The girlf holds into the guy and she was like
Speaker 2: counting down, like four hours until I proposed three hours
Speaker 2: intel proposal.
Speaker 1: So what happened there? He said no.
Speaker 2: They were together for nine years and he told her
Speaker 2: that he didn't want to get married.
Speaker 1: Never ask a question you don't know the answer to.
Speaker 1: I know this was a couple making out or walking
Speaker 1: into a bedroom to make out and says, you know,
Speaker 1: the most awkward wedding proposal, And then she happens, says
Speaker 1: he's taking off his shoes and pulling down his pants.
Speaker 1: She looks down and she sees a trail of rose
Speaker 1: petals that go out the bedroom door, and she's like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I thought he was away on a
Speaker 1: business trip. And she hides the boyfriend. She follows the
Speaker 1: trail of rose petals into the bathroom where there's a
Speaker 1: bubble bath and candles and everything, and he's humming along
Speaker 1: laying out rose petals with his earbuds in so he
Speaker 1: can't hear her come in. And he looks up and
Speaker 1: he's like, oh, hi, honey, you're home early. I didn't
Speaker 1: get fully set up. Yeah, I think it was a
Speaker 1: fake video. But anyway, don't be proposing if you're having affairs,
Speaker 1: either of you. Just want to say that, all right,
Speaker 1: let's look at the science and the data and the
Speaker 1: statistics on whether your relationship is ready for a marriage
Speaker 1: proposal this holiday season. One. How old are you? Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm just just statistical probability. The highest divorce rate are
Speaker 1: with marriages that start before the age of twenty four. Now,
Speaker 1: the prefrontal cortex, that's the part of your brain that
Speaker 1: is very important for planning, organization, thinking about consequences, that's
Speaker 1: not fully developed until at least twenty five or twenty six.
Speaker 1: So if you're making a major life decision prior to that,
Speaker 1: you have a good chance that you're making a wrong decision.
Speaker 1: Like I often say, you shouldn't be allowed to do
Speaker 1: make any decision except like ordering from a menu until
Speaker 1: you're twenty five, all right, so your age please be
Speaker 1: at least over the age of twenty four, please please please. Also,
Speaker 1: let's talk about the length of your relationationships. So far,
Speaker 1: I don't think any two people should even consider spending
Speaker 1: the rest of their lives together. Put a pin in that.
Speaker 1: I'll explain that that's not going to happen either in
Speaker 1: a minute, but spending a very long time, potentially decades together,
Speaker 1: maybe raising children together. You should not consider that unless
Speaker 1: you've gone through at least four seasons with this person,
Speaker 1: at least one calendar year. Please. When I hear about
Speaker 1: people rushing to the altar after they've only met three
Speaker 1: months ago, all I can think is, you are getting
Speaker 1: married in the flush of high from all those neuro hormones.
Speaker 1: It's lust phase, baby, It's not love yet. You haven't
Speaker 1: even developed into love, so you need to go through
Speaker 1: all the birthdays, all the holidays, all the seasons. I mean,
Speaker 1: by the time I proposed to my Julio, we had
Speaker 1: been together four years, right, so we're pretty sure. And
Speaker 1: we also had a deal. We wanted to launch our
Speaker 1: youngest kid, so we were waiting for his kid to
Speaker 1: graduate high school. My kid graduated him from s to
Speaker 1: Titian school, got a job or own place. You know,
Speaker 1: we needed our youngest to be a little bit on
Speaker 1: their feet, all right, So be together at least a year.
Speaker 1: So you're over twenty five, you've been together at least
Speaker 1: a year. Here's a crucial one. Your tribe approves, both
Speaker 1: your tribes approve. I used to host a show for
Speaker 1: Investigation Discovery called Happily Never After about brides and grooms
Speaker 1: that killed each other. Spoiler alert is mostly the grooms
Speaker 1: that did the killing, but almost one hundred percent of
Speaker 1: the time they eloped because somebody's family didn't approve. So
Speaker 1: please pay attention to the other people in your life
Speaker 1: before you propose. And finally, do you have emotional intimacy?
Speaker 1: I know that people go through the motions of a
Speaker 1: love relationship. They think they're communicating, they have great sex,
Speaker 1: they look great together, they have the same likes and interests,
Speaker 1: But are they really vulnerable? Do they talk about their feelings?
Speaker 1: Can they be authentic? Because at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: what keeps relationships together is intimacy. And if you don't
Speaker 1: have emotional intimacy, you have no business getting married now.
Speaker 1: I mentioned if this decision and you think this decision
Speaker 1: is about getting married and doing something for the rest
Speaker 1: of your life, you're wrong. When till Death Do Us
Speaker 1: Part was invented, death was pretty imminent, and because of
Speaker 1: our continuing expansion of our life expectancies, even the most
Speaker 1: monogamous of humans can expect two or even three long
Speaker 1: stints of monogamy on their lifespan. Divorce does not mean
Speaker 1: a failed marriage. It's only a A relationship is only
Speaker 1: a failure if you haven'tlearned anything and aren't a different
Speaker 1: person into your next one. But if you do have children,
Speaker 1: I'm a big proponent that you should at least try
Speaker 1: to make that commitment for eighteen years, just saying that's
Speaker 1: what you need to do, all right. When we come back,
Speaker 1: there's this new trend. I was actually approached by Bride's
Speaker 1: magazine to comment on it. A new trend where some
Speaker 1: brides are going on bachelorette trips solo alone. Let's talk
Speaker 1: about this trend when we come back. You were listening
Speaker 1: to The Doctor, Wendy Wall Show and KFI AM six
Speaker 1: forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio.
Speaker 3: App you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from
Speaker 3: KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show and k
Speaker 1: I AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1: If you're new to me, I have a PhD in
Speaker 1: clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, but personally I'm obsessed
Speaker 1: with the science of love and I've written three books
Speaker 1: on relationships. And I got married in August on August ninth.
Speaker 1: You were there, Producer, Kayla. I still have fond memories.
Speaker 1: Such a beautiful adding. I still have fond memory. It
Speaker 1: was so much fun. Now at I'm a woman of
Speaker 1: a certain age. I did not have a bachelorette party.
Speaker 1: He did not have a bachelor party. It's silly, seemingly,
Speaker 1: what is that supposed to be a last hurrah that
Speaker 1: you go out and pretend you're single on one night?
Speaker 1: What have you? However, a week before the wedding, a
Speaker 1: number of girlfriends of mine up in Oregon where we
Speaker 1: got married, actually held a little of very elegant, five
Speaker 1: course tasting menu dinner at one of the vineyards for me.
Speaker 1: So that's how we do it. A little classy thing
Speaker 1: sip a bunch of wine, eat some delicious food, and
Speaker 1: we're all good and we're out of there. I also
Speaker 1: own airbnbs where I have been the host of numerous
Speaker 1: bachelorette parties. Some of them have been cut short. I
Speaker 1: actually had a group ask for a partial refrun because
Speaker 1: my fingers are making quotation marks now. The bride got
Speaker 1: sick after eating something at a vineyard. She drank too much.
Speaker 1: She barfed in my airbnb, and they wanted their money back.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, take her home all right, learned how to
Speaker 1: handle her thing. Now, What is the right thing to
Speaker 1: do for a bachelor or bachelorette party? Talk about the ladies,
Speaker 1: because that's all I'm caring about these days. Dudes, go out,
Speaker 1: go to your strip clubs with your guys. I don't know, enjoy,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm not going to be there. I
Speaker 1: don't want to hear about it. When I was young,
Speaker 1: I used to hear you there'd always be one dude
Speaker 1: who actually had emotional intimacy with his girlfriend, and he
Speaker 1: would come home from the party and tell about the debauchery,
Speaker 1: and then the girls club would call each other and
Speaker 1: hear about it, and it was just drama that happened,
Speaker 1: So guys, just keep it to yourself out there, enjoy,
Speaker 1: all right. I did go to one bachelorette party of
Speaker 1: a woman who got married in her fifties, and she
Speaker 1: did the whole Vegas show strip clubs, like literally a
Speaker 1: crown of plastic penises. It was so gross. It was
Speaker 1: so not like when you're just don't don't even try
Speaker 1: to do the young girl thing. Even if you're a
Speaker 1: young girl, don't wear a crown of penises. This is
Speaker 1: something weird about that, all right, But there's a new trend.
Speaker 1: I was approached by Bride's magazine. They asked me would
Speaker 1: a solo trip be beneficial for a bride, And it
Speaker 1: made me think, because you know, my knee jerk reaction
Speaker 1: is going to be hell no, like get with your friends,
Speaker 1: that's the whole thing. But then I spent some time
Speaker 1: thinking about it and I realized that, you know, not
Speaker 1: everyone is wired the same way. So I'm an extrovert. Extroverts.
Speaker 1: It's not about the fact that we talk a lot,
Speaker 1: although some of us do. It's just that extroverts get
Speaker 1: their energy by being around other people. So after we
Speaker 1: go out to some kind of party, we come home,
Speaker 1: make a cup of coffee and talk all night about
Speaker 1: everything that happen, and text everybody because we are just
Speaker 1: jazzed up. If an introvert goes to that party, they
Speaker 1: come home and get under the covers and they don't
Speaker 1: want to go out for a week. They're exhausted from it, right,
Speaker 1: So introverts refuel through solitude. So let's say a bride
Speaker 1: is an introvert, and let's say she's planning the biggest
Speaker 1: day of her life that she knows is going to
Speaker 1: be absolutely exhausting for her. A wild bachelorette party might
Speaker 1: not be the thing for her. She might actually feel
Speaker 1: depleted and exhausted and worried about the wedding. Or so
Speaker 1: I thought about it. I thought, you know what, there
Speaker 1: are some lovely introvert brides out there who might benefit
Speaker 1: from just taking a bachelor a trip all by themselves. However,
Speaker 1: there are a number of things that she's got to
Speaker 1: consider before she books that solo trip. First, she does
Speaker 1: have to think about the feelings of other people. Remember
Speaker 1: her tribe, her sisters, her mom, her friends. They want
Speaker 1: to celebrate her, and she has to think about their
Speaker 1: emotional needs. So maybe if this introverted bride understands that
Speaker 1: these people around her do need to do something. She
Speaker 1: could suggest let's do a quiet luncheon or let's just
Speaker 1: do a spa You ever do a SPA day with
Speaker 1: a bunch of girls. You never see them except in
Speaker 1: the tea room in between the services, maybe in the
Speaker 1: hot time for a minute, so you can say, hey,
Speaker 1: we could just do a SPA day together. Right, So,
Speaker 1: if you really are truly somebody who needs a dose
Speaker 1: of alone time that will help you feel like mentally fortified,
Speaker 1: just explain it to the people who matter and then
Speaker 1: suggest something quieter, and then also explain to them that
Speaker 1: your solo trip is designed to help you weather the
Speaker 1: madness of your wedding weekend. It's not designed to exclude them.
Speaker 1: There's no harm intended here, and if they truly love you,
Speaker 1: they will understand. Now here's the next thing. A solo
Speaker 1: bride needs to consider how she should best honor herself.
Speaker 1: So if that trip is like super adventuroists or physically taxing,
Speaker 1: I'm going to go climb a mountain, I'm gonna you know,
Speaker 1: that might best be saved for a couple's trip. Have
Speaker 1: your dude with you or something. You don't want to
Speaker 1: come back from your solo bachelorette trip absolutely exhausted. And
Speaker 1: another thing, you don't want to expose a bride to
Speaker 1: parties and nightclubs because you know what, they're filled with
Speaker 1: potential mate poachers. That's where you get cold. You have
Speaker 1: second thoughts. Right, so I would say Abiza probably off
Speaker 1: the list, right, Vegas off the list. Don't go to nightclubs,
Speaker 1: don't go to parties. And another thing you got to
Speaker 1: think about is safety. Women traveling alone, sadly, are often
Speaker 1: targets for crime. So even if you're in a safe place,
Speaker 1: sometimes being alone in an unfamiliar place can make you
Speaker 1: have feelings of anxiety about personal safety. Right, So here's
Speaker 1: some ideas I have for a great women's solo trip,
Speaker 1: a women's only retreat. If you literally go and google
Speaker 1: the words like women's retreats near me, there are thousands
Speaker 1: of them. So you might be alone and there might
Speaker 1: be stranger women around. You might go to yoga with
Speaker 1: them or talks with them, but you still have your
Speaker 1: own room and your own time, and you feel that
Speaker 1: you can find solitude. The other thing you can do
Speaker 1: is just rent your own luxury Airbnb where your super
Speaker 1: hosts live there too, so you got somebody there if
Speaker 1: you need to be, but you'll be maybe immersed in nature.
Speaker 1: You can also do your own spa weekend alone, you know,
Speaker 1: or you can take an educational trip, like go to
Speaker 1: an international cooking school. That could be fun. I'm not
Speaker 1: saying because you're going to be a bride you need
Speaker 1: to learn how to cook. I'm sorry, I don't mean
Speaker 1: to throw that in there. I happen to enjoy cooking,
Speaker 1: it's my hobby. My Julio is not a great cook,
Speaker 1: so he likes a judicious so we're all good with
Speaker 1: the division of labor in the house. So obviously, bachelorette
Speaker 1: parties have big benefits, right Going out with a group
Speaker 1: of friends who love you is this wonderful feeling of community.
Speaker 1: It's an opportunity for you to feel honored and spoiled.
Speaker 1: And if you are an extrovert, you will have a
Speaker 1: flip and ball. But if you're an introvert, this party
Speaker 1: can feel exhausting, and that's not a feeling a bride
Speaker 1: needs to have right before her big day. You have
Speaker 1: to worry now about planning the bachelorette trip, and you
Speaker 1: get stress about making sure everybody has a good time.
Speaker 1: Oh oh oh, and there's the social stress of managing
Speaker 1: those what I call interpersonal conflict between the girlfriends. If
Speaker 1: you don't know what I'm talking about, it's time to
Speaker 1: go rewatch the film Bridesmaids. If this movie scares you,
Speaker 1: you need to take a solo trip. That's all I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Take a solo trip. Okay, let's move from weddings and
Speaker 1: proposals and bachelorette trips and talk about how to have
Speaker 1: a healthy relationship when we come back. Two things that
Speaker 1: healthy couples never ever, ever do. I hope you don't
Speaker 1: do these things. You're listening to the Dr Wendy Wall
Speaker 1: Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I'm
Speaker 1: going to share something with you. I was a really
Speaker 1: lousy partner for decades. I'm a big believer that relationships
Speaker 1: are far more about skill then luck and Where did
Speaker 1: I learn these relationship skills. I'll be honest, mostly through therapy,
Speaker 1: you know, because you learn how to communicate your deepest feelings,
Speaker 1: et cetera. But also practice in relationships, right, stuff that
Speaker 1: didn't work, Like, there are things that I did that
Speaker 1: I cringe at now and I worry. But now I'm
Speaker 1: happy to tell you I have, what I think is,
Speaker 1: I'm knocking on wood, a pretty healthy relationship. So I
Speaker 1: was reading through some of the recent literature on how
Speaker 1: to have a good, healthy relationship, because that's the other thing.
Speaker 1: You got to keep doing the work, keep reading the stuff.
Speaker 1: And I noticed that research has shown that there are
Speaker 1: two things and if they are done in a relationship,
Speaker 1: they can seriously damage the relationship. And the first is
Speaker 1: using sarcasm. Do you know what sarcasm is, producer Kayla, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know how to use it, of course you do.
Speaker 1: It's saying one thing. You know. When I was raising
Speaker 1: my kids, we call it the opposite game, Right, You're
Speaker 1: teaching sarcasm by saying you say one thing, but you
Speaker 1: mean the opposite. And that's what sarcasm is. Some people
Speaker 1: would call it the lowest form of wit. The famous
Speaker 1: Gotmans John and Julie Gotman up at the University of
Speaker 1: Washington in the Marriage Lamb lab say that sarcasm is
Speaker 1: can be one of the most dangerous things to use
Speaker 1: in a relationship. Why because it's actually a negative dig
Speaker 1: at your partner and you're trying to make a joke. Now,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna say this, there is a little bit
Speaker 1: of truth behind every joke. And when we talk about
Speaker 1: black humor or dark humor, it is humor. Like all
Speaker 1: humor is tragedy viewed from across the street, and dark
Speaker 1: humor is humor where that's not even a wide street,
Speaker 1: it's a little path. Right, You're like, oh, that's not
Speaker 1: even funny. People that look at stand up comedians and
Speaker 1: get hurt by what they say are hurt because because
Speaker 1: they don't have enough distance from the material, Right, whatever's happened.
Speaker 1: So you're trying to be funny, You're trying to veil
Speaker 1: your criticism in a little bit of humor, So you
Speaker 1: use sarcasm, and it never works. The person I either
Speaker 1: feel confused like what do they mean? Or the like.
Speaker 1: For instance, let's say your mate comes out looking fabulous
Speaker 1: to go out for the night, and you go, well,
Speaker 1: are you going to shower before we leave, or you
Speaker 1: look a hot mess, and they feel like, are they
Speaker 1: giving me a compliment? Am I the butt of a joke?
Speaker 1: Why don't you just say, hey, you look great? Right
Speaker 1: by the way, I used to get insulted when guys
Speaker 1: would say, oh, you got all dulled up. I was like, no,
Speaker 1: just say I look good. Don't say I like tried
Speaker 1: to put some artificial things on me to look like
Speaker 1: a doll. He thought he was giving me a compliment.
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, just tell me I look pretty, not
Speaker 1: like hmm. I used to here's a bad one. A
Speaker 1: bad one. So back in the day before we had text,
Speaker 1: before we had iPhones and everything else, you would be
Speaker 1: waiting and waiting for a guide call. And then if
Speaker 1: he was taking too long, and my anxious attachment and
Speaker 1: feelings of abandonment who blew into anger. I would see
Speaker 1: the phone number light up on the collar idea and
Speaker 1: I would pick up and go, oh, I see you
Speaker 1: learned how to dial a phone. Sounds like a compliment, right,
Speaker 1: they learned something new. But what was I really saying?
Speaker 1: You haven't called? Where are you? It might be something
Speaker 1: light like honey. Every day when I see the socks
Speaker 1: on the floor. I just am remind it's my favorite
Speaker 1: form of home decoration. Oh come on, or how about
Speaker 1: oh sports on TV again? What a surprise? You guys
Speaker 1: need to stop that. You can just simply say, oh,
Speaker 1: are we in the World Series now? Are you going
Speaker 1: to need a lot of time to watch the Dodgers
Speaker 1: and the Yankees in the next few weeks? Is that
Speaker 1: what's happening? Just ask, but don't or just say hey,
Speaker 1: I'm wondering if we can have some alone time before
Speaker 1: or after the game. Say what your needs are. Don't
Speaker 1: be afraid. Okay. The second thing that should never happen
Speaker 1: in a relationship, and I used to do when I
Speaker 1: was young all the time, is trying to make your
Speaker 1: partner feel jealous. I think women are particularly good at this, right.
Speaker 1: You know what I used to do, caitleb. I used
Speaker 1: to leave other guy's phone numbers on pieces of paper
Speaker 1: in my car if I knew my guy was gonna
Speaker 1: borrow my car or something. I love that I love it,
Speaker 1: so you just see the number down there.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And one time a guy confronted me. He was
Speaker 1: really angry, and he was a restaurant owner. So I'm
Speaker 1: sure people girls handed them their phone number all day long.
Speaker 1: He reached in his pocket and pulled out like four
Speaker 1: papers with numbers, and he goes, don't think you're the
Speaker 1: only one.
Speaker 2: Oh check mewha, whoa so actually, some researchers decided to
Speaker 2: do a study to find out if trying to make
Speaker 2: your partner jealous.
Speaker 1: Actually fans the flames of desire or makes them insecure
Speaker 1: or angry. So guess what all the results should and
Speaker 1: they used a virtual reality, they used imagination, They did
Speaker 1: three different ways. I won't get into how they did
Speaker 1: the study. The results are more interesting. Across all the experiments,
Speaker 1: one recurring theme emerged when participants observed others showing interest
Speaker 1: in their partner, their desire for their partner drum roll declined, declined,
Speaker 1: It doesn't work, it backfires. So they interviewed various participants
Speaker 1: trying to figure out like why is it working backwards?
Speaker 1: And one guy told a story that he saw a
Speaker 1: guy approach his girlfriend in an airport and he got annoyed,
Speaker 1: like who does he think he is? And even though
Speaker 1: the girlfriend brushed off the guy, his mind started racing
Speaker 1: with questions like what if she does find him attractive?
Speaker 1: Might I actually lose her, maybe she would be happier
Speaker 1: with him. You see, it doesn't provoke jealousy and more desire,
Speaker 1: It provokes questions about relationships to ability. This study, by
Speaker 1: the way, was done at Reichman University in Israel. And
Speaker 1: so I think we need to stop doing all kinds
Speaker 1: of manipulative When I see people write in their profiles,
Speaker 1: I don't want to play games and I don't like
Speaker 1: game players, it's usually because people have used manipulative tactics
Speaker 1: to try to bring someone closer instead of just plainal honesty,
Speaker 1: instead of just saying your feelings. Why is it so scary,
Speaker 1: I'll tell you why. Because people are afraid if they
Speaker 1: say their truth that they will be abandoned, that their
Speaker 1: person will leave them. Right, That is the underlying fear
Speaker 1: of us just being honest. But wouldn't you rather the
Speaker 1: relationship ends because somebody can't tolerate the real you, Then
Speaker 1: you having to live artificially and pretend to be somebody
Speaker 1: or not your whole life. I don't know, maybe it's me,
Speaker 1: but I am just open honest. From the beginning. Everybody
Speaker 1: said you wear your colors on your sleeve. You just
Speaker 1: say it I just say it. It's given me a
Speaker 1: job in radio. I just say it right and eventually, Okay,
Speaker 1: it took me a few decades. I found a man
Speaker 1: who told me from the beginning, I love big mouth
Speaker 1: women more than anything. I mean, you're gonna find your person.
Speaker 1: Don't be afraid to be real, be who you are. Okay,
Speaker 1: continuing on what helps make our relationship successful, get your
Speaker 1: notepad out. I've got a few ideas. There are actually
Speaker 1: a number of things that healthy couples say to each
Speaker 1: other on the regular, and let's talk about those things
Speaker 1: when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendywall
Speaker 1: Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I say
Speaker 1: that all the time for good reason. Did you know
Speaker 1: they make some cars now they don't even have AM radio,
Speaker 1: but they have bluech right, So you just download that
Speaker 1: app and you can listen live at any time. The
Speaker 1: other thing is a lot of listeners will write to
Speaker 1: me and say, hey, I missed that episode or I
Speaker 1: came in late whatever. All the Doctor Wendy Wall shows
Speaker 1: are on the iHeartRadio app. You can go listen to
Speaker 1: previous ones. They get put up like a podcast, so
Speaker 1: you can just find them Doctor Wendy on demand. I
Speaker 1: think they're called right, oh right. I've been doing a
Speaker 1: lot of don't do this, don't do that, don't do this,
Speaker 1: don't do that damaging. How about what you should do?
Speaker 1: Things you should do in relationships? These are phrases that
Speaker 1: healthy couples say to each other all the time. And
Speaker 1: you know, one of the things I want to say
Speaker 1: about communication is that I think the best way to
Speaker 1: communicate something uncomfortable is to start by making a communication sandwich.
Speaker 1: It starts out with a compliment followed by a layer
Speaker 1: of something that's hard to chew on, and it's backed
Speaker 1: up with some other loving words. So they don't even
Speaker 1: realize that their defenses aren't up. They're not going to
Speaker 1: get some quick reactive rebuttal you're going to actually be heard.
Speaker 1: Their ears will stay open because they're hearing the compliments too, right,
Speaker 1: So there's another way to do it too, Instead of
Speaker 1: talking with just a pure, lucy, puffy, light little compliment.
Speaker 1: You can start out by just setting them up for
Speaker 1: that something difficult is going to come up now. Plenty
Speaker 1: of couples start out by saying things like we need
Speaker 1: to talk, or what time are you going to be home?
Speaker 1: There's something we need to talk about that strikes tearor
Speaker 1: in the heart of somebody who's in a partnership, they're like,
Speaker 1: oh no, what bad things come in now? But healthy
Speaker 1: couples say something like I want to share something with
Speaker 1: you that might be a little hard to hear. Hear
Speaker 1: my tone, It wasn't we need to talk, It's I
Speaker 1: want to share something with you that might be hard
Speaker 1: to hear. So that's where you have that empathetic, sweet voice.
Speaker 1: What you're basically saying is I hear you that this
Speaker 1: is going to be hard, but I really need to
Speaker 1: express this right now. All right, here's another one. I
Speaker 1: really need your support right now. Besides that, you might
Speaker 1: say I really need your help with this, or I
Speaker 1: really need you to just listen right now, or I
Speaker 1: really need your take on this. You know what people
Speaker 1: need instructions. Nobody goes into a relationship having a full
Speaker 1: operating manual of how to deal with another person. So
Speaker 1: before you share something, healthy couples more likely will give
Speaker 1: the listener an instruction about what they're supposed to do
Speaker 1: with the information that's about to come. Right, So I
Speaker 1: might say to Julio all the time, honey, I know
Speaker 1: you're going to jump in and tell me how to
Speaker 1: solve this problem, but first, can I just have you
Speaker 1: listen to me all the way out while I'm trying
Speaker 1: to figure it out. I'll say that I just need
Speaker 1: your or I'll just say, honey, I really need your support.
Speaker 1: I need your help right now, right, don't be afraid.
Speaker 1: You know, in our culture, we like to think that
Speaker 1: needy is a bad thing, and you know who invented that?
Speaker 1: Avoidant people emotionally avoidant people who are independent to a fault,
Speaker 1: so they feel like absolutely pressured and ameshed by people
Speaker 1: who are emotionally vulnerable, so they call them needy. But actually,
Speaker 1: in a healthy relationship, you should be able to express
Speaker 1: your needs. Okay, here's another thing that healthy couples might
Speaker 1: say to each other regularly. I can see how you
Speaker 1: feel that way, or I can really understand how that
Speaker 1: came across to you. You want the person to be hurt,
Speaker 1: so you want to. When they come back with yeah,
Speaker 1: but but but you did this and you did that,
Speaker 1: say oh, I can understand how that must have felt.
Speaker 1: And then the person feels hurt instead of defensive. You
Speaker 1: have no right to feel that way because in a
Speaker 1: bib babah, just say hey, I get it, I know
Speaker 1: what that must feel like. I give them a little
Speaker 1: bit of empathy. They also don't be afraid to say
Speaker 1: things like and I do say this a lot because
Speaker 1: Julio's super smart and I'm always learning new things from him.
Speaker 1: I will say, huh, I never thought of it that way. Right,
Speaker 1: they're heard you're learning something. Huh, I never thought of
Speaker 1: it that way. Just say that, right? Are you writing
Speaker 1: these down? You should be writing these down. You're gonna
Speaker 1: to say them to your spouse tonight. You know it's funny,
Speaker 1: is it? A few days ago, I was in a
Speaker 1: studio and I shoot these videos for Local Now. If
Speaker 1: you don't have the Local Now app, you can I do.
Speaker 1: These relationship videos are three or four minutes long, and
Speaker 1: the entire crew are all male, many of them married
Speaker 1: or living with their girlfriends, are in relationships. Many of
Speaker 1: them in the hard part of marriage when they're small
Speaker 1: kids at home. And at the end this week, one
Speaker 1: of the guys said, we love having your doctor, Wendy
Speaker 1: because we always get a pep talk on what we're
Speaker 1: supposed to do in our relationships. Right, because, guys, you see,
Speaker 1: women are out there reading self help books. We are.
Speaker 1: Every women's magazine out there, from Cosmo to Glamour, de
Speaker 1: Vogue always has psychological information or relationship columns. Right, We've
Speaker 1: been reading this stuff our whole lives. They don't put
Speaker 1: that in the car magazines or the sports magazines, do they, Kayla, No,
Speaker 1: they don't put relationship advice. So Men's Journal has a
Speaker 1: little something something every now and again. Yeah, and who
Speaker 1: is that gay man? I'm joking straight men read that too, okay,
Speaker 1: And AskMen dot Com that's where they should be. It's
Speaker 1: kind of funny, but ask men dot Com a lot
Speaker 1: of the articles are written by women, but it's called
Speaker 1: askman dot Com. I think there's a lot of men
Speaker 1: giving advice to you there. All Right, here's the big thing.
Speaker 1: It's a big one. Guys. You need to say in
Speaker 1: your relationship A lot guys and gals. I'm sorry not
Speaker 1: I'm sorry you feel that way, or I'm sorry whatever,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry for the part I played in this. I'm
Speaker 1: sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry my intention was not
Speaker 1: to hurt you. I feel so bad. Learn how to
Speaker 1: say these words. Literally, relationship will be so much happier.
Speaker 1: And the best one is the sentence that begins with
Speaker 1: how how can we fix this? How can we find
Speaker 1: a solution to this? How can we do? You notice
Speaker 1: what happened there? You just put yourself on the same
Speaker 1: team as somebody else. Your partner comes and complains about
Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah. You never do this, You never
Speaker 1: do that, and you get to say, how can we
Speaker 1: fix this? Right? How can we? We're now on a
Speaker 1: team together. It's now a problem to be solved. It's
Speaker 1: not just you complaining and whatever. First you're going to say,
Speaker 1: I can understand how you feel that way, and then
Speaker 1: how can we fix this? Honestly, you want to have
Speaker 1: a healthy, happy relationship, that is the way to do it. Hey,
Speaker 1: when we come back, I'm going to my social media.
Speaker 1: If you want to send me a question in a
Speaker 1: DM go to Instagram at dr Wendy Walsh at doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh and I'll keep your identity anonymous, but I'm
Speaker 1: going to weigh in on your relationship life when we
Speaker 1: come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalh Show
Speaker 1: on kf I AM six forty live everywhere on the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You
Speaker 1: can always hear us live on k f I A
Speaker 1: M six forty from seven to nine p m on
Speaker 1: Sunday and any time on demand on the iHeartRadio app