WEBVTT 1 00:00:14.240 --> 00:00:17.800 Welcome to grief. Let's make sense of this shit. I'm Dylan, 2 00:00:17.960 --> 00:00:19.679 and it means a lot that you are here with 3 00:00:19.719 --> 00:00:23.359 me today. Many of us hold grief from relationships that 4 00:00:23.480 --> 00:00:27.120 never felt simple or safe, yet still left deep marks. 5 00:00:27.879 --> 00:00:31.359 The working title for this episode is Grief complicated bond, 6 00:00:31.600 --> 00:00:35.039 love and pain after a hard relationship, and our focus 7 00:00:35.079 --> 00:00:38.799 stays on those complicated bonds. Take a moment right now 8 00:00:38.840 --> 00:00:42.840 and notice how your body feels. Because these bonds often 9 00:00:42.880 --> 00:00:45.399 mix love with pain, we can lose track of what 10 00:00:45.479 --> 00:00:49.600 belongs to us. However, the feelings remain real even when 11 00:00:49.640 --> 00:00:53.640 the relationship itself felt tangled. Therefore, we begin by naming 12 00:00:53.679 --> 00:00:57.960 what we carry instead of pushing it aside. In other words, 13 00:00:58.000 --> 00:01:00.280 this kind of grief does not require a cl clean 14 00:01:00.359 --> 00:01:04.760 story or a tidy ending. Meanwhile, your body may already 15 00:01:04.799 --> 00:01:07.519 be holding tension or fatigue that comes from years of 16 00:01:07.599 --> 00:01:11.480 mixed signals. Although the connection looked different from the outside, 17 00:01:11.719 --> 00:01:15.280 the loss still counts. That said, we turn our attention 18 00:01:15.359 --> 00:01:20.040 today to complicated bond grief itself. This term covers the 19 00:01:20.079 --> 00:01:23.439 mix of attachment and hurt that lingers after relationships marked 20 00:01:23.480 --> 00:01:28.280 by conflict or inconsistency. Since the bond never settled into 21 00:01:28.319 --> 00:01:31.439 one clear feeling. The grief can arrive in waves that 22 00:01:31.480 --> 00:01:35.560 surprise us. For example, you might notice anger and longing 23 00:01:35.640 --> 00:01:38.640 showing up at the same time. Plus, the absence can 24 00:01:38.680 --> 00:01:41.680 feel both like relief and like an ache that refuses 25 00:01:41.719 --> 00:01:45.640 to settle. Ultimately, we sit with this reality without forcing 26 00:01:45.680 --> 00:01:49.439 it into a single box. The specific type of grief 27 00:01:49.480 --> 00:01:55.200 we are discussing today is complicated bond grief. Complicated bond 28 00:01:55.239 --> 00:01:58.840 grief shows up when attachment sits right next to unresolved conflict. 29 00:02:00.079 --> 00:02:03.719 Researchers at the Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University 30 00:02:04.200 --> 00:02:06.840 describe this form of loss as one that carries both 31 00:02:06.879 --> 00:02:11.039 connection and friction at the same time. The person is gone, 32 00:02:11.599 --> 00:02:15.479 yet the relationship still holds pieces that never settled. That 33 00:02:15.599 --> 00:02:19.479 mix leaves emotions pulling in opposite directions on the same day. 34 00:02:20.560 --> 00:02:23.759 Listeners often notice the lack of outward permission that comes 35 00:02:23.759 --> 00:02:27.439 with this grief. Friends and family may assume the relationship 36 00:02:27.560 --> 00:02:31.479 ended years ago, or that distance already solved everything. Without 37 00:02:31.560 --> 00:02:34.919 shared rituals or even simple acknowledgment, the morning stays private. 38 00:02:35.400 --> 00:02:38.439 People keep going to work and answering messages, while the 39 00:02:38.479 --> 00:02:43.319 inside story stays hidden. Relief can appear alongside the sadness, 40 00:02:43.800 --> 00:02:47.759 and that combination brings its own weight. Someone might feel 41 00:02:47.800 --> 00:02:51.319 a quiet loosening because arguments no longer happen, Yet the 42 00:02:51.439 --> 00:02:55.120 very next moment, shame arrives. For thinking that way, Both 43 00:02:55.159 --> 00:02:58.159 feelings belong here. They do not cancel each other out. 44 00:02:59.080 --> 00:03:01.039 In other words, the grief does not wait for a 45 00:03:01.080 --> 00:03:04.199 clean story before it arrives. It shows up in the 46 00:03:04.240 --> 00:03:08.759 middle of unfinished conversations and half healed hurts. Meanwhile, the 47 00:03:08.800 --> 00:03:12.599 outside world keeps expecting a simpler version of events. That 48 00:03:12.759 --> 00:03:16.240 gap between what happened and what others can see makes 49 00:03:16.240 --> 00:03:20.080 the days feel heavier. For example, a listener once describes 50 00:03:20.120 --> 00:03:23.159 sitting with an old photo and feeling both warmth and 51 00:03:23.199 --> 00:03:26.159 a sharp reminder of the last argument they never resolved. 52 00:03:26.960 --> 00:03:29.400 This point stayed on the shelf because throwing it away 53 00:03:29.439 --> 00:03:34.439 felt wrong and keeping it visible felt impossible. Small choices 54 00:03:34.560 --> 00:03:36.800 like that pile up when no one else sees the 55 00:03:36.800 --> 00:03:41.000 full picture. However, the absence of public rituals does not 56 00:03:41.039 --> 00:03:44.560 mean the loss itself carries less weight. It simply means 57 00:03:44.599 --> 00:03:48.680 the support looks different some days. That difference shows up 58 00:03:48.680 --> 00:03:51.840 as extra quiet in the evenings. Other days, it appears 59 00:03:51.879 --> 00:03:54.080 as sudden anger at a song that used to play 60 00:03:54.120 --> 00:03:58.560 in the background of those difficult conversations. Meanwhile, the shame 61 00:03:58.599 --> 00:04:02.599 around relief tends to grow when the relationship involved repeated hurt. 62 00:04:03.319 --> 00:04:06.240 The mind replays moments of care and moments of pain 63 00:04:06.360 --> 00:04:10.840 in quick succession. Both memories remain true. Neither one needs 64 00:04:10.840 --> 00:04:14.599 to be edited out before the grief can move. That said, 65 00:04:14.639 --> 00:04:17.959 the Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University notes that 66 00:04:18.079 --> 00:04:21.560 naming this pattern helps people stop measuring their reactions against 67 00:04:21.560 --> 00:04:25.680 someone else's timeline. The attachment and the conflict can exist 68 00:04:25.720 --> 00:04:30.160 together without one being required to disappear. Listeners sometimes find 69 00:04:30.199 --> 00:04:33.680 that simply saying the words complicated bond grief out loud 70 00:04:34.319 --> 00:04:37.720 gives the experience a place to land. In fact, the 71 00:04:37.800 --> 00:04:40.720 lack of social scripts leaves room for private practices that 72 00:04:40.759 --> 00:04:45.040 fit the actual relationship. Instead of aversion others expect. A 73 00:04:45.079 --> 00:04:47.680 short note written and then set aside can hold space 74 00:04:47.720 --> 00:04:50.720 for what never got said. A single object moved from 75 00:04:50.759 --> 00:04:53.480 one drawer to another can mark the shift without needing 76 00:04:53.480 --> 00:04:58.199 an audience. Yet the relief and the shame still circle back. 77 00:04:58.240 --> 00:05:02.720 On ordinary afternoons, the key becomes allowing both to exist 78 00:05:02.839 --> 00:05:06.279 in the same hour without forcing a single feeling to win. 79 00:05:07.439 --> 00:05:11.480 That allowance takes practice, because most messages received from the 80 00:05:11.519 --> 00:05:15.199 wider world pushed toward one clean emotion at a time. 81 00:05:16.480 --> 00:05:18.879 Now Here is a story that brings these pieces together. 82 00:05:19.399 --> 00:05:22.240 A woman named Elena lost her father after years of 83 00:05:22.279 --> 00:05:25.680 strained visits and sharp phone calls. She felt the loss 84 00:05:25.759 --> 00:05:28.199 land in her chest. The same week, she also noticed 85 00:05:28.240 --> 00:05:31.000 her shoulders drop for the first time in months. The 86 00:05:31.079 --> 00:05:34.680 relief arrived quietly during the first quiet morning, without waiting 87 00:05:34.720 --> 00:05:39.839 for his next criticism. Shame followed within hours. She wondered 88 00:05:39.839 --> 00:05:44.000 whether the relief made her ungrateful or cold. Elena kept 89 00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:46.160 the old key to his house on her own key ring, 90 00:05:46.319 --> 00:05:49.560 even though the house had already sold. The key itself 91 00:05:49.600 --> 00:05:52.800 carried no practical use, yet it reminded her of the 92 00:05:52.839 --> 00:05:56.680 bond that once existed alongside the arguments. Each time she 93 00:05:56.720 --> 00:06:00.480 reached for her keys, the mixed feelings returned. She did 94 00:06:00.519 --> 00:06:03.800 not try to sort them into separate boxes. Instead, she 95 00:06:03.879 --> 00:06:05.920 let them sit next to each other while she made 96 00:06:05.920 --> 00:06:09.720 coffee or drove to work. Over several weeks, she began 97 00:06:09.800 --> 00:06:12.959 to notice the shame softened. When she stopped expecting it 98 00:06:13.000 --> 00:06:18.000 to leave. The attachment remained and the conflict remained. Both 99 00:06:18.040 --> 00:06:21.439 stayed part of the story she carried. Elena started a 100 00:06:21.480 --> 00:06:24.079 short evening practice of placing the key on the counter 101 00:06:24.160 --> 00:06:26.959 for five minutes before returning it to the ring. The 102 00:06:27.040 --> 00:06:30.000 act gave the day a small marker without requiring anyone 103 00:06:30.000 --> 00:06:33.319 else to understand the full weight behind it. That practice 104 00:06:33.360 --> 00:06:36.959 grew from the same definition we discussed earlier. The grief 105 00:06:37.000 --> 00:06:39.879 included love and pain in the same relationship, and it 106 00:06:39.959 --> 00:06:44.319 did not need outside permission to count. Elena's days still 107 00:06:44.360 --> 00:06:47.480 contain both elements, yet the private ritual gives them room 108 00:06:47.600 --> 00:06:50.680 to breathe. I remember the way my father could sit 109 00:06:50.720 --> 00:06:53.279 beside me on the porch after a long day and 110 00:06:53.360 --> 00:06:55.800 ask about something small, like the book I was reading 111 00:06:56.279 --> 00:06:59.040 or the game I played at recess. Those were the 112 00:06:59.079 --> 00:07:02.240 moments that stayed with me because they felt safe and steady. 113 00:07:02.759 --> 00:07:05.759 Yet the same man could turn sharp without warning and 114 00:07:05.839 --> 00:07:08.279 remind me of every mistake I had made that week. 115 00:07:08.720 --> 00:07:12.279 The contrast lived inside the same house and the same afternoons. 116 00:07:13.040 --> 00:07:15.360 When he passed away, the memories did not line up 117 00:07:15.399 --> 00:07:18.680 in any order that made sense. Instead, they arrived together 118 00:07:18.759 --> 00:07:21.000 on the same evening, when I tried to clear out 119 00:07:21.000 --> 00:07:23.800 his desk. There was a note he left on the 120 00:07:23.839 --> 00:07:27.000 kitchen counter, once, telling me he was proud after I 121 00:07:27.079 --> 00:07:30.879 brought home a good report card. I kept that note 122 00:07:30.959 --> 00:07:33.399 for years because it felt like proof that the good 123 00:07:33.399 --> 00:07:36.639 parts were real. At the same time, there were arguments 124 00:07:36.680 --> 00:07:40.240 that ended with doors slamming in long stretches of silence. Afterward, 125 00:07:40.879 --> 00:07:43.839 those silences left marks that did not fade just because 126 00:07:43.839 --> 00:07:46.920 he was gone. The grief that followed carried both the 127 00:07:46.959 --> 00:07:50.199 note and the slam doors At once. I found myself 128 00:07:50.240 --> 00:07:52.920 reaching for the phone to call him, before remembering there 129 00:07:53.000 --> 00:07:56.319 was no one left to answer. Some days, the missing 130 00:07:56.360 --> 00:07:59.120 felt simple and direct, like a chair left empty at 131 00:07:59.120 --> 00:08:02.519 this point. On other days, the missing arrived with a 132 00:08:02.600 --> 00:08:05.639 tight feeling in my chest because I was still sorting 133 00:08:05.680 --> 00:08:08.759 through what I wished had been different. I would walk 134 00:08:08.800 --> 00:08:11.720 past his favorite coffee shop and think about the times 135 00:08:11.720 --> 00:08:14.920 he bought us both a cup and actually listened without interrupting. 136 00:08:15.439 --> 00:08:17.399 Then the next thought would land on the times he 137 00:08:17.439 --> 00:08:21.079 dismissed something important. I tried to share. Both thoughts belonged 138 00:08:21.120 --> 00:08:24.079 to the same loss, and neither one canceled the other out. 139 00:08:25.079 --> 00:08:27.600 Friends sometimes asked how I was doing, and I gave 140 00:08:27.639 --> 00:08:31.759 short answers because the longer version felt too tangled to explain. 141 00:08:32.759 --> 00:08:34.799 I missed the version of him that showed up for 142 00:08:34.879 --> 00:08:39.000 school events and helped fix my bicycle chain. I also 143 00:08:39.080 --> 00:08:41.639 carried anger about the version that made me feel small 144 00:08:41.639 --> 00:08:45.120 when I needed support. Instead, the anger and the missing 145 00:08:45.240 --> 00:08:48.080 sat side by side without any rule that said one 146 00:08:48.159 --> 00:08:51.000 had to leave before the other could stay. That mix 147 00:08:51.039 --> 00:08:53.799 showed up most clearly during the first holidays after he 148 00:08:53.919 --> 00:08:57.279 was gone. This point felt lighter in one way because 149 00:08:57.320 --> 00:09:00.919 the tension he sometimes brought was absent. It also felt 150 00:09:00.919 --> 00:09:04.759 heavier because the chance to try again had disappeared with him. 151 00:09:05.000 --> 00:09:07.200 I kept a few of his old tools in a drawer, 152 00:09:07.240 --> 00:09:10.720 even though I rarely used them. Holding the worn handle 153 00:09:10.759 --> 00:09:13.720 of a screwdriver brought back the afternoons when we worked 154 00:09:13.720 --> 00:09:18.279 on small projects together in the garage. Those afternoons held 155 00:09:18.360 --> 00:09:21.559 care and patience that I still valued. Yet the same 156 00:09:21.679 --> 00:09:24.480 drawer held a stack of old letters where his words 157 00:09:24.519 --> 00:09:27.639 had been critical and quick to judge. I would open 158 00:09:27.679 --> 00:09:30.159 the drawer intending to organize it, and close it again 159 00:09:30.279 --> 00:09:34.039 without touching anything. Because the two sets of memories refused 160 00:09:34.039 --> 00:09:37.720 to separate. The question that kept returning was simple and 161 00:09:37.759 --> 00:09:41.480 stubborn at once, What do I do with this grief? 162 00:09:41.519 --> 00:09:45.120 Researchers described this experience as one that stays rooted in 163 00:09:45.200 --> 00:09:49.559 an ongoing attachment, even when the relationship carried real conflict. 164 00:09:50.200 --> 00:09:53.080 The attachment does not require the story to become neat 165 00:09:53.120 --> 00:09:57.320 before the feelings arrive. Meanwhile, the question itself becomes part 166 00:09:57.360 --> 00:10:00.399 of the daily texture rather than something that needs an 167 00:10:00.399 --> 00:10:05.000 immediate answer. We'll pause here for a short break and 168 00:10:05.159 --> 00:10:16.759 return to continue in just a moment. When the relationship 169 00:10:16.799 --> 00:10:21.039 we lose held both warmth and sharp edges, the feelings 170 00:10:21.080 --> 00:10:24.480 afterward rarely line up in any order we expect. Because 171 00:10:24.519 --> 00:10:29.200 the attachment carried contradictions, the process of mourning stretches out 172 00:10:29.240 --> 00:10:33.639 in ways that feel circular rather than sequential. Guilt arrives 173 00:10:33.639 --> 00:10:37.000 on one morning, then anger shows up later the same day, 174 00:10:37.440 --> 00:10:41.480 and both return without warning. Researchers at the University of 175 00:10:41.519 --> 00:10:44.720 Minnesota found in their twenty twelve study published in the 176 00:10:44.799 --> 00:10:48.960 Journal of Abnormal Psychology that these mixed bonds produce grief 177 00:10:49.000 --> 00:10:52.360 patterns marked by repeated returns to the same questions rather 178 00:10:52.399 --> 00:10:56.519 than steady movement through them. Michelinser and Shaver have written 179 00:10:56.559 --> 00:11:00.480 extensively on attachment, and their work helps explain why these 180 00:11:00.519 --> 00:11:05.639 connections resist simple resolution. An ambivalent tie keeps the mind 181 00:11:05.679 --> 00:11:09.720 returning to moments of care alongside moments of hurt. The 182 00:11:09.840 --> 00:11:12.919 result is a grief arc that lengthens because the brain 183 00:11:13.039 --> 00:11:16.720 keeps checking old memories for new meaning. That checking shows 184 00:11:16.799 --> 00:11:21.360 up as sudden irritation, followed by deep sadness, then back again. Meanwhile, 185 00:11:21.440 --> 00:11:25.000 listeners often describe sitting with an old photo and noticing 186 00:11:25.039 --> 00:11:29.279 both comfort and frustration at once. Since no single feeling 187 00:11:29.279 --> 00:11:32.039 claims the whole story, the days can feel like they loop. 188 00:11:32.799 --> 00:11:35.440 Anger at what went wrong sits next to missing the 189 00:11:35.440 --> 00:11:39.320 good parts, and neither one settles the other. This back 190 00:11:39.360 --> 00:11:41.799 and forth does not signal that something is wrong with 191 00:11:41.879 --> 00:11:45.159 the morning. Instead, it reflects the actual shape of the 192 00:11:45.200 --> 00:11:48.720 bond that existed. While some people around us may hope 193 00:11:48.720 --> 00:11:51.679 for a quicker shift, the reality stays tied to how 194 00:11:51.720 --> 00:11:55.399 attachment formed in the first place. Therefore, the guilt that 195 00:11:55.480 --> 00:11:58.840 surfaces often comes from wishing one more conversation could have 196 00:11:58.960 --> 00:12:03.080 changed the ending. Anger appears when we realize that conversation 197 00:12:03.240 --> 00:12:07.639 never arrived. Both emotions can keep circling because the relationship 198 00:12:07.679 --> 00:12:11.399 itself never reached a single clear note. A listener once 199 00:12:11.440 --> 00:12:14.000 shared how a simple drive past the old house brought 200 00:12:14.039 --> 00:12:17.200 tears and then a wave of irritation at the same time. 201 00:12:18.440 --> 00:12:21.919 Those responses make sense when the original connection mixed care 202 00:12:21.960 --> 00:12:26.440 with conflict. Although the culture around us sometimes expects grief 203 00:12:26.519 --> 00:12:30.399 to sort itself out, the evidence from attachment studies points 204 00:12:30.440 --> 00:12:33.519 to longer arcs, precisely when love and pain shared the 205 00:12:33.519 --> 00:12:38.360 same space. The University of Minnesota findings highlight how unresolved 206 00:12:38.399 --> 00:12:42.600 elements keep pulling attention back. Michelinser and Shaver described this 207 00:12:42.679 --> 00:12:45.799 as the mind working to integrate two sides of one person. 208 00:12:46.159 --> 00:12:49.720 That integration takes time and repetition, rather than one clean 209 00:12:49.759 --> 00:12:53.360 step after another. In fact, the looping itself can feel 210 00:12:53.399 --> 00:12:57.440 exhausting on days when energy already runs low. Yet the 211 00:12:57.480 --> 00:13:01.080 pattern also keeps the relationship present in menamor, which for 212 00:13:01.159 --> 00:13:05.240 some listeners brings a strange comfort, even inside the discomfort. 213 00:13:05.840 --> 00:13:08.840 Because the bond was never simple, the mourning honors that 214 00:13:08.960 --> 00:13:13.240 complexity by refusing to flatten it. Friends may ask when 215 00:13:13.240 --> 00:13:16.240 the hard parts will ease, However, no fixed answer fits 216 00:13:16.360 --> 00:13:21.159 every story. Meanwhile, the invitation remains open for anyone who 217 00:13:21.200 --> 00:13:24.960 recognizes this pattern in their own loss. If you have 218 00:13:25.000 --> 00:13:28.639 written in about a relationship that carried both affection and tension, 219 00:13:28.720 --> 00:13:33.200 your words land here with care. Many listeners carry similar threads, 220 00:13:33.480 --> 00:13:36.919 and the space stays ready whenever you choose to share them. 221 00:13:37.039 --> 00:13:40.039 As evening approaches, a short practice can mark the close 222 00:13:40.120 --> 00:13:42.679 of the day without trying to settle everything at once. 223 00:13:43.240 --> 00:13:47.360 The bedtime grief grounding takes roughly five minutes and begins 224 00:13:47.399 --> 00:13:50.519 with naming one moment from the relationship that still Lingers 225 00:13:51.039 --> 00:13:53.879 write that moment in a single sentence, then set the 226 00:13:53.919 --> 00:13:57.720 paper aside, follow with three slow breaths while resting a 227 00:13:57.759 --> 00:14:00.720 hand on the chest. Finish by saying out loud, one 228 00:14:00.799 --> 00:14:04.159 thing you carry forward from that bond. This brief sequence 229 00:14:04.200 --> 00:14:06.600 gives the looping feelings a place to rest for the night, 230 00:14:06.679 --> 00:14:09.919 while honoring the full shape of what was lost. One 231 00:14:10.039 --> 00:14:13.240 listeners shared how their mother had always mixed sharp criticism 232 00:14:13.279 --> 00:14:17.080 with unexpected moments of care. They described keeping an old 233 00:14:17.120 --> 00:14:20.759 scarf because the scent still brought both comfort and the 234 00:14:20.799 --> 00:14:23.919 sting of words that never softened. Another wrote about a 235 00:14:23.960 --> 00:14:27.440 brother they argued with for years yet missed deeply after 236 00:14:27.480 --> 00:14:31.039 his sudden passing the note mentioned sitting with photos, where 237 00:14:31.080 --> 00:14:34.399 smile sat next to remembered tension, without any clear way 238 00:14:34.440 --> 00:14:36.919 to sort the two. A third person spoke of an 239 00:14:36.960 --> 00:14:40.120 ex partner whose kindness showed up right after arguments that 240 00:14:40.240 --> 00:14:43.759 left lasting hurt. Their message focused on how certain songs 241 00:14:43.799 --> 00:14:46.360 now pull up warmth and regret in the same breath. 242 00:14:47.279 --> 00:14:50.960 These notes arrived separately, yet each one named the same 243 00:14:51.000 --> 00:14:54.919 mix of affection and friction that lingers after the relationship ends. 244 00:14:55.519 --> 00:14:59.080 Hearing someone else put that combination into words often brings 245 00:14:59.120 --> 00:15:02.399 a quiet sense of relief because it shows the feelings 246 00:15:02.440 --> 00:15:05.519 do not need to line up neatly. First, while the 247 00:15:05.519 --> 00:15:08.799 details differ, the thread of holding love alongside pain runs 248 00:15:08.799 --> 00:15:13.559 through them all. Since the attachments resist simple labels, the 249 00:15:13.639 --> 00:15:16.600 stories tend to circle back to that same tension without 250 00:15:16.639 --> 00:15:21.759 forcing a single explanation. Meanwhile, listeners sometimes mention how reading 251 00:15:21.799 --> 00:15:25.159 these accounts aloud to themselves creates a small space to pause. 252 00:15:25.960 --> 00:15:28.960 Although the grief stays present, the act of seeing it 253 00:15:29.039 --> 00:15:32.559 reflected can ease the sense of carrying it alone instead 254 00:15:32.600 --> 00:15:35.960 of rushing toward resolution. Many find value in simply letting 255 00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:38.919 the mixed feelings exist side by side for a while 256 00:15:39.440 --> 00:15:42.799 therefore the common experience seems to rest in recognizing that 257 00:15:42.840 --> 00:15:46.720 attachment and conflict can share the same history without canceling 258 00:15:46.759 --> 00:15:51.639 each other out. Because these bonds leave behind unfinished conversations, 259 00:15:52.080 --> 00:15:57.399 the days afterward can loop through both gratitude and frustration. However, 260 00:15:57.440 --> 00:16:00.879 the notes also point towards small practices that help people 261 00:16:00.960 --> 00:16:05.039 remain present with whatever surfaces. One approach that has helped 262 00:16:05.039 --> 00:16:08.320 several listeners involves a short breathing sequence done at the 263 00:16:08.399 --> 00:16:12.759 end of the day when thoughts tend to gather grief calm. 264 00:16:12.799 --> 00:16:16.080 Breathing starts with finding a quiet spot and settling in 265 00:16:16.120 --> 00:16:19.919 for about five minutes inhale slowly through the nose while 266 00:16:19.960 --> 00:16:22.720 counting to four, then hold the breath for the same 267 00:16:22.840 --> 00:16:26.679 count before releasing it over another four counts. Repeat the 268 00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:29.480 cycle while allowing any thoughts about the person or the 269 00:16:29.559 --> 00:16:32.799 relationship to drift through without pushing them away or holding 270 00:16:32.840 --> 00:16:36.559 on tightly. The practice gives the body a steady rhythm 271 00:16:36.600 --> 00:16:39.399 to rest against, while the mind notices the mixture of 272 00:16:39.440 --> 00:16:43.039 memories that appear. Since the focus stays on the breath 273 00:16:43.240 --> 00:16:46.240 rather than on changing the feelings, the time passes without 274 00:16:46.240 --> 00:16:49.879 pressure to reach any particular outcome. Listeners who have tried 275 00:16:49.879 --> 00:16:52.639 this often return to it on evenings when the complicated 276 00:16:52.679 --> 00:16:56.960 bond feels especially close. The sequence works because it meets 277 00:16:56.960 --> 00:16:59.720 the grief where it stands, rather than asking it to 278 00:16:59.759 --> 00:17:03.759 shit into something else. Although the relief may come and go, 279 00:17:04.279 --> 00:17:08.240 the steady rhythm offers a reliable anchor during those moments. 280 00:17:09.400 --> 00:17:12.160 Some days, the pull toward the person we lost feel 281 00:17:12.240 --> 00:17:15.680 steady and familiar, while the sharp edges of what went 282 00:17:15.720 --> 00:17:19.160 wrong sit right beside it. Writing can give those two 283 00:17:19.240 --> 00:17:22.400 sides a place to rest without forcing them together. You 284 00:17:22.480 --> 00:17:24.440 might sit with a pen and paper, or open a 285 00:17:24.480 --> 00:17:27.680 blank document and begin one letter that speaks only to 286 00:17:27.720 --> 00:17:31.160 the love that remains. Let that page hold the moments 287 00:17:31.160 --> 00:17:34.359 of warmth or the simple ways this person mattered. Then 288 00:17:34.400 --> 00:17:37.519 start a second letter that names the pain or the disappointment, 289 00:17:37.839 --> 00:17:41.640 or the parts that still sting. These stay separate because 290 00:17:41.680 --> 00:17:45.319 the feelings often refuse to blend into one tidy note. 291 00:17:45.359 --> 00:17:48.920 Once both pages exist, you can decide later whether either 292 00:17:48.960 --> 00:17:52.279 one needs to leave your hands or whether they stay private. 293 00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:55.640 That choice belongs to you, and it can shift from 294 00:17:55.680 --> 00:17:58.440 one week to the next without any pressure to decide 295 00:17:58.559 --> 00:18:02.559 write away. Meanwhile, a short body practice can help when 296 00:18:02.599 --> 00:18:06.920 the mind keeps circling the same questions. A ten minute 297 00:18:07.000 --> 00:18:10.279 daily body scan works by moving attention slowly from the 298 00:18:10.319 --> 00:18:14.599 top of the head down through the shoulders, arms, torso, legs, 299 00:18:14.599 --> 00:18:18.000 and feet. The only task is to notice what shows 300 00:18:18.079 --> 00:18:21.880 up as warmth, coolness, tightness, or ease. No effort goes 301 00:18:21.880 --> 00:18:25.400 into changing those sensations or labeling them good or bad. 302 00:18:25.519 --> 00:18:28.640 Because the scan stays with the body, it can interrupt 303 00:18:28.680 --> 00:18:32.000 the loop of thoughts that often arrives with complicated bonds. 304 00:18:32.599 --> 00:18:34.519 You might try it in the morning before the day 305 00:18:34.559 --> 00:18:37.839 gathers speed, or in the evening when the quiet feels heavier. 306 00:18:38.440 --> 00:18:41.319 Over time, the practice simply trains attention to return to 307 00:18:41.359 --> 00:18:45.200 the present moment, rather than staying caught in the unfinished story. 308 00:18:46.200 --> 00:18:49.440 In other words, the goal stays small. The scan does 309 00:18:49.440 --> 00:18:52.359 not aim to quiet every feeling or to make the 310 00:18:52.400 --> 00:18:55.680 grief smaller. It offers a few minutes where the body 311 00:18:55.720 --> 00:18:58.799 gets to report what it carries and the mind. Practice 312 00:18:58.839 --> 00:19:02.759 is watching without jumpumping in to fix anything. Listeners sometimes 313 00:19:02.799 --> 00:19:05.480 find that pairing this scan with the two letters creates 314 00:19:05.519 --> 00:19:09.039 a rhythm. One day, the writing surfaces what still hurts, 315 00:19:09.240 --> 00:19:11.480 and the scan that follows gives the body a chance 316 00:19:11.519 --> 00:19:14.440 to settle Another day, the scan comes first, and the 317 00:19:14.480 --> 00:19:17.480 letters feel less urgent, because the tension in the chest 318 00:19:17.640 --> 00:19:20.240 or the weight in the shoulders has already been noticed. 319 00:19:21.240 --> 00:19:23.720 A small ritual can also mark the bond in a 320 00:19:23.720 --> 00:19:27.319 way that does not demand forgiveness. You might choose one 321 00:19:27.359 --> 00:19:30.519 object that belonged to the relationship or that reminds you 322 00:19:30.559 --> 00:19:33.359 of a shared moment, and place it where you will 323 00:19:33.359 --> 00:19:36.599 see it each morning. The act of noticing the object 324 00:19:36.680 --> 00:19:39.880 for a minute or two becomes the ritual. No words 325 00:19:39.960 --> 00:19:42.720 need to be spoken, and no resolution needs to arrive. 326 00:19:43.359 --> 00:19:46.440 The object simply stands as a quiet acknowledgment that this 327 00:19:46.480 --> 00:19:49.799 connection existed, and that both the affection and the friction 328 00:19:49.960 --> 00:19:53.599 were real. Because the ritual carries no requirement to reach 329 00:19:53.640 --> 00:19:57.599 a certain emotional state, it can continue even on days 330 00:19:57.640 --> 00:20:01.799 when anger or sadness still feels lefe However, these steps 331 00:20:01.920 --> 00:20:06.319 often meet resistance. Progress can look uneven because one morning 332 00:20:06.400 --> 00:20:09.480 the letters feel useful, and the next morning the same 333 00:20:09.559 --> 00:20:14.400 page brings fresh irritation. Self compassion enters here because the 334 00:20:14.519 --> 00:20:17.920 uneven pace belongs to the nature of these bonds, rather 335 00:20:18.000 --> 00:20:21.119 than to any shortcoming on your part. The body scan 336 00:20:21.279 --> 00:20:24.119 or The ritual does not measure success by how calm 337 00:20:24.160 --> 00:20:29.839 you feel afterward. It succeeds when it happens at all. Meanwhile, 338 00:20:29.920 --> 00:20:33.119 the decision about whether to send either letter can stay 339 00:20:33.160 --> 00:20:38.799 open because the feelings themselves keep changing. Therefore, the practices 340 00:20:38.839 --> 00:20:43.119 stay flexible. You might write only one letter on some days, 341 00:20:43.400 --> 00:20:46.279 or shorten the scan to five minutes. When energy runs low, 342 00:20:47.119 --> 00:20:49.599 the ritual can move from one object to another if 343 00:20:49.599 --> 00:20:53.440 the first choice stops fitting. Each adjustment keeps the focus 344 00:20:53.480 --> 00:20:57.000 on honoring what remains, rather than pushing toward an outcome. 345 00:20:57.839 --> 00:21:00.880 In fact, listeners often report that the real value appears 346 00:21:00.880 --> 00:21:02.920 in the permission to keep the love and the pain 347 00:21:03.079 --> 00:21:07.720 side by side without forcing one to disappear. Because these 348 00:21:07.759 --> 00:21:12.720 bonds leave so many conversations unfinished, the practices offer gentle 349 00:21:12.759 --> 00:21:16.119 ways to continue the dialogue on your own terms. The 350 00:21:16.200 --> 00:21:19.519 letters hold space for both sides. The body scan returns 351 00:21:19.559 --> 00:21:22.920 attention to the present. The ritual keeps the connection visible 352 00:21:23.000 --> 00:21:26.839 without demanding agreement or closure. When the days feel heavy 353 00:21:27.039 --> 00:21:29.440 or when the mix of emotions refuses to settle, the 354 00:21:29.480 --> 00:21:33.039 same tools remain available without any expectation that they will 355 00:21:33.079 --> 00:21:40.519 produce steady improvement. Passion, recognizes that some days the letters 356 00:21:40.519 --> 00:21:43.119 stay in the drawer, the scan feels too long, and 357 00:21:43.119 --> 00:21:46.839 the ritual gets skipped entirely. Those days still belong to 358 00:21:46.880 --> 00:21:50.079 the process, because the grief itself moves at its own pace, 359 00:21:51.279 --> 00:22:02.720 will return after this short break. Mixed feelings often arrive 360 00:22:02.799 --> 00:22:07.559 together in complicated bond grief. Sadness can sit beside relief, 361 00:22:07.880 --> 00:22:12.920 while gratitude shares space with frustration. Because these responses belong 362 00:22:13.000 --> 00:22:16.119 to the same relationship, they do not cancel one another. 363 00:22:16.680 --> 00:22:19.680 The right to grieve stays intact even when the story 364 00:22:19.720 --> 00:22:24.960 feels unfinished. This grief is allowed to be complicated. That 365 00:22:25.039 --> 00:22:27.720 short sentence can serve as a daily anchor when the 366 00:22:27.759 --> 00:22:32.000 mind begins to argue over which feeling deserves attention. While 367 00:22:32.039 --> 00:22:35.039 the culture around us may push for a single, clear narrative, 368 00:22:35.480 --> 00:22:39.960 the reality is that attachment rarely follows such rules. Therefore, 369 00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:43.160 repeating the phrase quietly can create a small pause before 370 00:22:43.240 --> 00:22:46.440 judgment takes over. Treating yourself as you would treat a 371 00:22:46.480 --> 00:22:49.559 friend in the same situation brings another layer of patients. 372 00:22:50.799 --> 00:22:54.119 Instead of questioning why the pain still surfaces, you might 373 00:22:54.160 --> 00:22:56.799 offer the same steady presence you would give someone else. 374 00:22:57.359 --> 00:23:00.640 Although the loss carries both warmth and sharp edges. The 375 00:23:00.720 --> 00:23:05.680 kindness you extend outward can turn inward without requiring perfection. Meanwhile, 376 00:23:05.720 --> 00:23:08.160 the small body practice from earlier can pair with this 377 00:23:08.279 --> 00:23:11.960 reminder when the loop feels especially tight. Because the days 378 00:23:12.000 --> 00:23:15.640 after such a loss often bring unexpected waves, the simple 379 00:23:15.680 --> 00:23:18.599 act of meeting yourself where you are keeps the focus 380 00:23:18.599 --> 00:23:23.160 on presence rather than correction. Grief. Calm breathing can support 381 00:23:23.200 --> 00:23:27.880 this same patience when the questions start circling again. Since 382 00:23:27.920 --> 00:23:31.759 the bond itself was never simple, the responses afterward earn 383 00:23:31.839 --> 00:23:36.000 the same allowance. Therefore, extending that allowance becomes an ongoing 384 00:23:36.079 --> 00:23:39.960 practice rather than a one time fix. As we close 385 00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:42.799 the main part of this conversation, I want to leave 386 00:23:42.839 --> 00:23:45.680 you with the reminder that showing up for yourself in 387 00:23:45.759 --> 00:23:49.759 these ways honors the bond without demanding it be anything 388 00:23:49.839 --> 00:23:53.319 other than what it was. Love and pain can sit 389 00:23:53.400 --> 00:23:57.160 together in the same breath after a complicated bond. One 390 00:23:57.200 --> 00:24:00.640 does not cancel the other out. The small body practice 391 00:24:00.640 --> 00:24:03.359 we touched on earlier can hold space for both sides 392 00:24:03.400 --> 00:24:07.000 when the questions circle back. Meanwhile, the days keep moving 393 00:24:07.160 --> 00:24:11.279 even when the feelings stay mixed. If this podcast helps 394 00:24:11.319 --> 00:24:14.039 you make sense of your shit. Join our supporters Club 395 00:24:14.119 --> 00:24:17.240 for three dollars a month. You get ad free listening 396 00:24:17.319 --> 00:24:22.480 and early episodes. Independent media only stays alive when listeners 397 00:24:22.519 --> 00:24:25.079 back it. You can find the link to join in 398 00:24:25.119 --> 00:24:29.680 the episode description. If this episode resonated, professional support can 399 00:24:29.720 --> 00:24:33.839 still be a steady next step for some people. Because 400 00:24:33.880 --> 00:24:37.240 these bonds leave so much unfinished. The next episode will 401 00:24:37.279 --> 00:24:41.359