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Speaker 1: Hi everyone, I'm Stephanie Wilder Taylor and this is Drunkish

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And look, whether you just quit drinking, you're sober curious,

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or you just like listening to stories about whyos, there

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is going to be something here for you. This podcast

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is based on my book Drunkish and listen before I

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get to my guest today, please give me a five

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star rating, and also go to YouTube and follow the

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show so that you can see what everybody looks like today.

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I am talking to Christy Tanner, whose ig handle is

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Mocktail Mommy. She's also a certified recovery coach, and I

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split this episode into two parts because her story is

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intense and it deals with more than just addiction. It's

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such a good story. But please come back tomorrow for

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the second half, which is nothing short of inspiring. Let's

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get to it. Hey, everybody, we're here with Christy, and

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we were talking so much off camera that I felt

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like we were wasting it, so I was like, let

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me hit record. Hi.

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Speaker 2: Hi, I'm so excited to be here. It says my

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internet connection is unstable. Are we good?

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Speaker 1: I think we're good?

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Speaker 2: Okay, well perfect? Yeah. You reached out yesterday and I

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had a little moment of am I being punked? You

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are this amazing inspirational sober author and I am some

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mom in the middle of Wisconsin who has gotten sober

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and your work has been so inspiring. So then when

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Celeste was like, oh, I don't know if you've heard

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of Stephanie, and I'm like, have I heard of her?

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I have her book? Of course, it was like an

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immediate yes. I feel like these are the kinds of

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gifts that we get in sobriety that you could never

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ever in a million years predict or expect that these

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kinds of real life connections with people who really really

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get it on a deep level would be presented. So

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I'm really grateful to be here.

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Speaker 1: Aren't we all just some mom? I mean, seriously, you

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know it's funny. That's so sweet of you, and I'm

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I'm so glad that I wrote this book because before that,

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I was just known for writing, you know, parenting books

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and a couple of memoirs about my twenties that absolutely

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nobody cared about. Like four people bought it, but you know,

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it was a complete departure to go. So I'm going

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to just write this sobriety story I already had thirteen years,

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and I thought, you know, the stuff that connects with

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people a lot the most is not always the parenting stuff.

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It's the sobriety stuff. So I think that telling our

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stories is the thing that helps other people find their similarities.

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Speaker 2: One hundred percent. And that's what they say in the rooms, right,

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they say, look for similarities, not differences. And that was

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really hard for me. When I first knew I needed

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to eventually stop drinking, the only thing I had heard

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of was AA and I went to a handful of

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meetings in Chicago and in these basement rooms with lots

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of smokers. I don't smoke with a whole bunch of old,

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bald guys and bad coffee, and I'm like, none of

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these men have any idea what I'm going through. They

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are not raising small children, they are not in the

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middle of moving. I only saw, Oh, that must be

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nice for them that they have this guy's group at

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you know, six pm on Wednesdays. And I'm like, but

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that's actually in the middle of dinner time, and like,

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isn't super convenient for my schedule as a mom. So

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it was like all I saw was like, well, that's

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not me, and the problem was they weren't me. But

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the problem was my same problem, and that was really,

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you know, hard to wrap my head around. And when

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I knew I had to get sober eventually, what happened

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was I blew up my whole life. Everything got worse

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and worse and worse. And when I had to get sober,

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I announced that eighty nine days sober on Instagram. I

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many was I'm an alcoholic. If you see me drinking

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like you got to call nine one one and people.

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This is in twenty nineteen. This was not cool to

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be sober. I was brand new in this neighborhood with

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four children under the age of five and a half,

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getting a divorce from my husband. I had just gotten

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two duys, ended up in jail and Gary, Indiana, and

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scared the shit out of myself and everyone else that

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knew me, and got on the Internet and created mocktail

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Mommy and Instagram account to hold myself accountable. Because the

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only safe place I felt sober was around other addicts.

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In the beginning, I did not feel safe at a

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grocery store. I didn't feel safe at Target. I really

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struggled to drive by the liquor stores that I used

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to go too. It was really hard, and I had

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blown up all of my life. Right. I never considered

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myself a liar, but I lied to everyone's face to

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protect my alcoholism, and that made every other part of

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me questionable.

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Speaker 1: Well, take me back, like when did you When did

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you start to feel like alcohol was a problem for you?

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Speaker 2: Sure? You know? My story is in high school, I

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sort of like moved all over South Carolina, Minnesota, Kansas

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for my dad's job. High school in Kansas lots of

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like field parties, drinking, running away from the cops. It

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was like fun and easy. I was always the designated driver.

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I had no interest in alcohol. I was very much

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a straight a student like wanted a boyfriend and like

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I was like not interested. But sophomore year, some boy said, oh, well,

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Christy doesn't drink because she can't handle it, and I

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was like, oh, let me. Then they show you what

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I can handle because you don't do that to me. Right,

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Like I'm an Enneagram seven, I'm like super fun. I

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am a yes girl all the way, and so I'm like, cool,

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what are we doing? They're like Jack Daniels, I'm like, sweet,

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I don't even know what that is. So I drank

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Jack Daniels shots on sophomore New Year's Eve. I proceeded

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to vomit everywhere. They had to basically cancel this gigantic,

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huge party we were having at someone's house. We were

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supposed to not be having it. They had to call

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my parents, they had to take me to the er.

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Speaker 1: Oh wow.

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Speaker 2: It was a whole thing. And the next day of

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my parents woke me up at seven am and they

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were like, it's time for breakfast, and you're gonna sit

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here at the table and tell your younger.

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Speaker 3: Brother how good it feels to feel hungover. I was like,

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I actually want to die right now. If you make

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me look at this pancake, I will vomit.

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Speaker 2: You know. It was like brutal. And so I was like,

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this was the most mortifying, awful, horrible experience my whole life.

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And for the next two years I didn't drink.

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Speaker 1: Oh wow, okay, so till senior year.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I was like, okay, that's a big no no

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for me. Like, I don't know what happened, but I'm

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like not good at that. And I was like I

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was fun before that. I don't need that. I'm good. Well,

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in the next two years. I also had really bad acne.

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I started acutine, which caused me to gain fifteens. I

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all of a sudden had these massive boobs and weird acne,

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and I just felt weird in my body. And I

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was a really big soccer player. I was working out

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in class and I ended up fracturing my lower back,

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which ended me up on bread rest and intils. Love faints, yeah,

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love painfills except for I thought I loved them. But

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my mom was like, you were not you. You were awful,

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you were mean, you were aggressive. I was basically blacked

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out like this full time while they're trying to decide

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if I need surgery on my back and all this stuff.

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So I'm just laying in bed. I'm losing weight without

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knowing it. And I go back to school three weeks

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later and it it is like I am Barbie promo queen.

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I have shown up and people are like, oh my god,

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people look amazing. What diet are you doing? And I'm like,

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ooh ooh, hang on, people like me when I'm skinny,

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this is good. What does that turn into anorexia? Full

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blown anarexia? Counting calories, working out all the time, hiding,

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working out till I pass out, waking up at four

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in the morning, going to the gym, like it was

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a crazy cycle. But I was really busy, worried about

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food and going to parties because and not drinking felt

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safe because it wasn't calories. I didn't want to drink

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because of the calories. I'm like, look at all these people,

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they're drinking a hundred calories and the glass are the idiots?

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Like what you know? And so I was really preoccupied

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with all of that. Sort of fast forward. I did

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end up in an eating disorder hospital inpatient place for

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eight weeks. I got down to seventy two pounds. It

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was really bad. And I graduated and my parents were like, Okay,

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you can go to college right at Miami of Ohio

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as long as you weigh one hundred pounds. And I

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was like cool. So I like had to like had

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a you know, a nutritionists and all this stuff. But

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then I'm leaving. I go to college and it's like

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wait a second. Now I'm in college and there are

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no parents here, there are no rules, there is no curfew,

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I have no dress code. It was like I'm allowed

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to be free for the first time, and man, there

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was something really intoxicating about that. But to be free

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and knew and be like, Okay, I can be whoever

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I want here, and I'm gonna be like the cool girl,

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and I'm gonna drink just like everyone else. And let

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me tell you, Stephanie, it was cool to be drunk

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in college. It was fun to be like, oh, look

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at her, she's dancing on the look at what she

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did on the bar. That's so funny. Look at her

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she's trying a head and stand like. I was always

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doing dumb, ridiculous, look at me kind of stuff because

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that's the kind of person I am. So it was

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kind of I became party girl. But I also love school.

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I went to class every day eight am, never missed

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the class, got straight a's. But I partied seven days

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a week, and I thought that was fine, and it

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was fine kind of for a while. But I realized

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very quickly that my drinking was not like my roommates

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drinking at all. My roommates could go out on like

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Friday and Saturday, I want know, seven nights a week.

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That means I had five different groups of friends because

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all of them go out two nights a week, so

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that means I always have an invite, right. I was

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involved in everything I have, very much like Fomo. I

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don't want to miss out on anything. I want to

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see it all and do it all and be a

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part of it all. And I thought alcohol is easiest

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way to connect with people. And what I've always wanted

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in my whole life is to feel a deep connection

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with someone and to feel seen and understood. And I

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felt like alcohol made that happen for me.

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Speaker 1: I agree, I feel that same way. I agree.

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Speaker 2: I felt like it was like this great, it doesn't matter,

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it doesn't matter kind of who you are, if we're

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all sharing this bottle of wine, right, like we're all

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in this place together.

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Speaker 1: And that feeling of And I still miss this sometimes

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because when you're sober and other people are drinking, you

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feel you can't help but feel a little distance from

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you're just not on the same level. And I do,

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I do remember so clearly that feeling of like once

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you have a glass of wine in you, everybody's more interesting. Ever,

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you just feel closer to people. Yeah, the next day

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you're like, oh god, that person was an idiot, but mm.

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Speaker 2: Hmm, but it's like, yeah, the beer goggles work, right.

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Everyone is interesting, everyone's a little more attractive, like you're

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a little more invested in their stories. So college was

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super fun. I had the best time ever at Miami

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of Ohio. But it also is known for being a

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party school. It's there are twenty three bars and three

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square blocks. Wow, and you better believe I stopped at

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all of them. And I was real good friends with

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all the bartenders. And then it became a bartender, Stephanie,

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because why wouldn't you? And then I got fired from

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bartending because also that's what happens when you're an alcoholic

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and you're a bartender. So I ended up getting fired

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on Halloween my senior year. I ran home in a

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bug costume, half naked and didn't show up for the

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rest of my shift. And then I avoided that bar

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for six months. Right, That is how I handled alcohol.

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That made me do things that felt embarrassing and like,

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oh my god, I would never do that as a

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normal sober person, like I'm a responsible I show up.

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I would never do that. And so instead of being

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able to like own the fact that I did that

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thing and have a hard conversation, I'd just be like, oh,

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I just won't go to those bars on that side

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of the street anymore. So like the consequences of my

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drinking were slowly without my knowledge, making my life smaller.

237
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This place is no longer safe because I've been in

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embarrassment there. That place is no longer safe. This group

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I threw up at their house, this guy's house. I

240
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:30,360
peeed in his bed. I mean, there are stories of

241
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hand stories. My junior year, my roommate leaves a highlighted

242
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newspaper article taped to my apartment door, right my bedroom door,

243
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and it's like signs of problematic and blackout drinking. And

244
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she has highlighted this article. And I am twenty one,

245
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and I am like, what a bitch. She is so

246
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on fun, like her hang over suck. I don't even

247
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:04,799
know what her problem is. She has a boyfriend that

248
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she's so boring. And I was mad. I was like

249
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pissed off, and I was like, I'm so sorry that

250
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:19,359
you can't party whatever. No, Sephanie, like she's on real problems,

251
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Like she was really concerned, But.

252
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Speaker 1: You were twenty one, you were never gonna be like,

253
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oh my gosh, thank you so much for the good feedback.

254
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That is something I'm really gonna consider, and maybe I'll

255
00:17:32,759 --> 00:17:36,079
check myself in somewhere. You're twenty one. Oh my god,

256
00:17:36,119 --> 00:17:40,279
I've had lots of those, not that exact thing, and

257
00:17:40,319 --> 00:17:43,319
that story is so common. I have friends that are like, oh,

258
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this friend of mine came to my house and left

259
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a big book of alcoholics on my kitchen table, and I.

260
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Speaker 2: Was like, fuck off. It's like that's I know where

261
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:58,599
it's coming from now. Of course, at the time, I'm like,

262
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:02,279
literally go to hell, like I hate you so much,

263
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,640
go eat some pancakes and like call your mom or

264
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:09,279
something like I don't know so, but it was like, okay,

265
00:18:09,359 --> 00:18:13,160
we can see that there's like a difference here. I

266
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:16,440
blacked out every time I drank. I didn't know that

267
00:18:16,559 --> 00:18:23,599
you shouldn't. I don't think Sephanie. I really ever fully

268
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:27,920
felt tipsy. I was one hundred percent of the time drunk.

269
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Tipsy was like the first sip it I drank. I

270
00:18:36,319 --> 00:18:40,839
drink like a man because I want to have as

271
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:45,440
much fun as they're having. So if if my boyfriend

272
00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:48,960
or ex husband, for example, weighs two hundred and fifty

273
00:18:49,039 --> 00:18:52,160
pounds and I weigh one hundred and five, soaking wet,

274
00:18:52,279 --> 00:18:57,240
but we're going drink to drink. Shoot. Yeah, but I

275
00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:59,960
didn't put two and two together. I just thought we're

276
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,079
we're all getting another round, righto.

277
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:03,799
Speaker 1: So what happens?

278
00:19:03,839 --> 00:19:06,880
Speaker 2: So you get out of college, get out of college,

279
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:12,400
move to Chicago, fall in love with this guy. We

280
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:18,200
both have sort of like big, good corporate jobs. We

281
00:19:18,279 --> 00:19:22,079
have a really nice income, and our entire life revolves

282
00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:26,079
around flying to Napa. I've never been to Napa Valley.

283
00:19:26,319 --> 00:19:28,920
Now we're in every wine club ever known to man,

284
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:33,279
and drinking is sexy and sophisticated. Plus I'm wearing heels

285
00:19:33,559 --> 00:19:35,680
and we got a limo ride. Okay, Like I am

286
00:19:35,799 --> 00:19:39,160
living out my ever loving dream. I'm like, ugh, I

287
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:43,000
have everything in the whole world, except for then all

288
00:19:43,039 --> 00:19:45,960
of our wines starts showing up at our house, right,

289
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:49,519
and then I'm realizing Okay, yeah, I mean like I'm

290
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:54,680
twenty two, twenty three, he's twenty eight. Okay. So we

291
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:57,880
go out to dinner five nights a week, and we

292
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,799
drink every night, and then we party on weekends. Okay,

293
00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:04,319
so we drink every day. Well, it's fine kind of.

294
00:20:05,319 --> 00:20:10,839
There are definitely times that my drinking start causing problems.

295
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,880
Sort of at like big events like a wedding out

296
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:17,000
of town, right, I get so excited. It's like, whoa

297
00:20:18,079 --> 00:20:21,640
start drinking on the plane. I'm blacked out at the

298
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:29,400
rehearsal dinner. That's not cute, like not classy. Probably not

299
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:33,480
the impression my now ex husband wants to give to

300
00:20:33,519 --> 00:20:38,799
his corporation. But these are so hard for me to

301
00:20:38,839 --> 00:20:42,240
see that they are connected to my drinking and not

302
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,359
that it is a reflection of who I am as

303
00:20:44,359 --> 00:20:49,240
a human being. Right, I cannot separate that, like I

304
00:20:49,279 --> 00:20:51,759
am not a bad person, I am making bad choices.

305
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:53,839
I just felt like a bad person.

306
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:57,920
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that is so relatable to me. I

307
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:02,000
was just thinking about this the other day because well,

308
00:21:02,079 --> 00:21:04,039
Love is Blind the reunion, I don't know if you

309
00:21:04,079 --> 00:21:08,759
watch Love is Blood, and the one of the women

310
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:14,119
was that got really drunk at an event probably caused

311
00:21:14,119 --> 00:21:16,720
the fiance to say, I'm not going to do this.

312
00:21:17,319 --> 00:21:22,960
And I was having shame for myself for thinking I

313
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:26,519
have been her, And also I could tell that she

314
00:21:26,839 --> 00:21:28,759
was not going to go. This has to do with

315
00:21:28,799 --> 00:21:31,279
my drinking. This is him saying I'm a bad person.

316
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:35,359
I feel that so so hard. How do you not

317
00:21:35,599 --> 00:21:41,000
understand until you really understand that it's the alcohol, and yes,

318
00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:43,799
we're the ones drinking it, but it always does sound

319
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:48,799
so fun until you have the blackout, until you embarrass yourself,

320
00:21:48,799 --> 00:21:50,799
and then you wake up and you go, I cannot

321
00:21:50,799 --> 00:21:53,920
believe I did that again. I can't believe this is

322
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,279
what happens when I drink and I continue to do it,

323
00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:59,200
but you have to think it's not the alcohol.

324
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:04,440
Speaker 2: Well, and truly, like when I watched that last night

325
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:12,480
as well, I was so deeply uncomfortable because I have

326
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:18,160
been her so many times I have I am almost

327
00:22:18,279 --> 00:22:21,720
positive that that is what I looked and sounded like

328
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:28,400
when I was angry and unable to pause, unable to

329
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:31,240
see my side of the street, unable to think clearly,

330
00:22:32,119 --> 00:22:37,839
felt victimized, angry, and that was the only way I

331
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:41,920
knew how to express anything. Was like I repressed everything

332
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:46,799
except for joy for the longest time because joy was allowed,

333
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,839
joy was acceptable, and joy was expected of me, and

334
00:22:51,039 --> 00:22:54,559
that is what I would be delivering as expected. And

335
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:58,920
then something blow up and the only thing that comes

336
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:04,720
out is visceral lava, the worst things you could ever

337
00:23:04,799 --> 00:23:11,279
say and never take back. Right, That is how I

338
00:23:11,319 --> 00:23:15,400
really believe I acted. I don't know for sure because

339
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:21,880
I was always blacked out, but yeah, so I couldn't

340
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:25,759
separate that, like, okay, some of these big problems. And

341
00:23:25,799 --> 00:23:28,799
then it was like, well, well the guys get drunk too.

342
00:23:29,119 --> 00:23:32,200
It was like, okay, we're still figuring it out. We're

343
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:34,920
figuring it out. And then I get pregnant, and I

344
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:36,880
get pregnant, and I find out I'm pregnant out like

345
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:40,920
nine weeks, and I'm not even concerned about not drinking.

346
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,079
I'm like, oh my god, I'm pregnant. I want to

347
00:23:43,119 --> 00:23:45,200
be a mom. This is the best thing ever. Did

348
00:23:45,279 --> 00:23:47,279
not really cross my mind. I ate a lot of

349
00:23:47,319 --> 00:23:50,039
ice cream and Hamburgers for the first time in twenty years.

350
00:23:50,079 --> 00:23:52,960
I was like, living my best life. And then I

351
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:56,799
have this baby and he's beautiful and perfect and wonderful,

352
00:23:57,119 --> 00:23:59,680
and I have champagne like in the hotel room because

353
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:01,720
like ob I have been waiting for nine months, so

354
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,240
I have mimosas in the hotel room, and Stephanie, it

355
00:24:05,279 --> 00:24:07,400
was off to the races. I was like, actually, wait,

356
00:24:07,599 --> 00:24:09,839
being a stay at home mom is actually the best

357
00:24:09,839 --> 00:24:12,359
thing ever. I'm getting paid by work for the next

358
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,759
three months to hang out at home, drink mimosas, watch

359
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:20,160
Real Housewives with my baby, and do tell me time like,

360
00:24:20,519 --> 00:24:25,799
this is the shit. I have reached the holy grail

361
00:24:26,119 --> 00:24:31,319
of why I'm on this planet. It was awesome until

362
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:36,920
I realized I didn't have the same level of like

363
00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:43,000
intellectual connection with this newborn that I did with the

364
00:24:43,119 --> 00:24:45,680
job that I had, all the work that I did,

365
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:49,880
the people, the connections. I didn't have responsibilities that were

366
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,119
the same. I was sort of tied to the house.

367
00:24:52,359 --> 00:24:55,680
I was no longer seeing my friends, I was no

368
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,440
longer using my brain the way I was normal like

369
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:01,359
used to. So I'm like, God, I can't wait to

370
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:04,240
kind of like get back to being myself. So I

371
00:25:04,279 --> 00:25:07,400
go back to work, you get a nanny, and I'm

372
00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:10,960
drinking like a maniac. I went out for the first time,

373
00:25:11,839 --> 00:25:15,079
really really out for bat Trap party at when my

374
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:20,119
son was four months old. I was breastfeeding, and you

375
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,960
can see throughout the night my boobs are just rising

376
00:25:24,079 --> 00:25:26,680
full of milk in all the photos, and like by

377
00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:29,279
the end of the night, my boob is like up

378
00:25:29,319 --> 00:25:31,480
to here. And I come home and so I'm like,

379
00:25:31,559 --> 00:25:35,240
I have to pump and my husband finds me passed

380
00:25:35,279 --> 00:25:42,000
out in the nursing chair, the pumps, boo boo, Stephanie,

381
00:25:42,519 --> 00:25:49,319
are they going into bottles? No, no, ma'am, no, ma'am.

382
00:25:50,039 --> 00:25:54,160
I just have boob milk all over me and my

383
00:25:54,279 --> 00:26:00,599
nursing chair. I'm like, Okay, well, obviously, it's just because

384
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:02,799
I'm a brand new mold and I took a lot

385
00:26:02,839 --> 00:26:05,240
of time off and it's fine. And then I get

386
00:26:05,279 --> 00:26:09,440
pregnant again and I'm like, whoa, that wasn't planned. That

387
00:26:09,519 --> 00:26:11,319
was really fast. I thought you couldn't get pregnant when

388
00:26:11,319 --> 00:26:14,799
you were breastfeeding. Oops. Okay, So then I'm pregnant again,

389
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:17,240
and this time I'm like, oh man, that is pretty

390
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:21,079
annoying that I can't drink. It seems like everyone else

391
00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:25,400
is still partying. And now I'm like mommy and pregnant

392
00:26:25,559 --> 00:26:28,680
and have a job and can't drink, and this seems

393
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:32,599
like pretty unfair. So I was like, I can't wait,

394
00:26:33,039 --> 00:26:35,480
and then it would be like, what, you know, I

395
00:26:35,519 --> 00:26:39,279
think probably at seven months I could probably just like

396
00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:44,079
have a glass of red wine. I've heard that's fine. Well,

397
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:47,319
so you know I do or whatever. I have my

398
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:51,680
second son, he's almost four weeks early. He ends up

399
00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:54,440
in the nick you for a month. I don't leave

400
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:58,519
the nick You for about two and a half weeks.

401
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:02,599
I have a sixteen month at home. The first night

402
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:08,240
I go home, I get blackout drunk, and then I

403
00:27:08,279 --> 00:27:13,920
go the next day and I breastfeed my newborn. These

404
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:16,920
are not things I'm proud of, and not things that

405
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:19,799
I was aware I was doing. Also, like I just

406
00:27:19,799 --> 00:27:22,680
thought I was doing what I needed to do to

407
00:27:22,799 --> 00:27:26,160
survive that my child was in the nick You. By

408
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:29,359
sixteen month old is at home, my husband is back

409
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:33,160
at work, and I don't have any help, and I

410
00:27:33,279 --> 00:27:39,400
felt scared and unqualified, and I felt like nobody gave

411
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:43,559
me like a manual on how to do all of this.

412
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:47,599
So he gets out of the nick You. The night before,

413
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:50,559
we went to a huge party, I get black out.

414
00:27:51,039 --> 00:27:52,920
I we go pick them up at the nick You.

415
00:27:53,079 --> 00:27:55,480
I'm throwing up on the way. I mean, this is

416
00:27:55,519 --> 00:28:00,319
to bring home our tiny little baby. And when we

417
00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:04,000
get home. The next couple months are pretty difficult, and

418
00:28:04,359 --> 00:28:08,640
I am not happy. I feel like my husband and

419
00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:11,920
I are like not connected, We don't feel the same.

420
00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:18,000
Like he's sort of like knows what's going on, but

421
00:28:18,119 --> 00:28:21,119
like he very much has a separate life. He has

422
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:23,319
a job to go to and I'm just like in

423
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:28,839
the occupational therapy, feeding therapy, all the things that I know,

424
00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:32,559
you know, and it's a lot to manage. And then

425
00:28:32,599 --> 00:28:39,279
I get pregnant again and this was also unexpected, and

426
00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:44,680
so I get pregnant again, and at five months pregnant,

427
00:28:44,799 --> 00:28:47,240
I find out that my son is going to be

428
00:28:47,319 --> 00:28:52,680
born with a cleft flip and palette. And overnight my

429
00:28:52,839 --> 00:28:58,119
pregnancy goes from normal to high risk and my life

430
00:28:58,279 --> 00:29:02,000
turned upside down and every single thing I felt about

431
00:29:02,039 --> 00:29:09,319
myself before that day disappeared, and I felt like I've

432
00:29:09,359 --> 00:29:13,039
already failed and I haven't even met my son yet,

433
00:29:13,519 --> 00:29:17,599
and I already failed him. And in the back of

434
00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:22,960
my mind, I never would have admitted this, but I

435
00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:26,559
wondered if it was because of my drinking. And I'm like,

436
00:29:27,279 --> 00:29:30,160
oh my God, Like, can I have did I? Cause this?

437
00:29:30,559 --> 00:29:34,000
Like is I'm never going to be able to forgive myself.

438
00:29:35,359 --> 00:29:38,119
This is not fetal alcohol syndrome. This is a randomly

439
00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:42,160
occurring birth defect. But the reality was the way it

440
00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:45,160
made me feel about myself that I could have caused

441
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:48,599
something because I was being reckless and I was being

442
00:29:49,599 --> 00:29:56,000
I was more worried about medicating my own self, ego anxiety, whatever.

443
00:29:56,119 --> 00:29:59,759
That I wasn't actually able to put this newborn first

444
00:29:59,839 --> 00:30:05,039
like that was really terrifying to me. When my son

445
00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:13,680
was born, it's perfect and he's amazing, but it was

446
00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:18,279
really challenging. It couldn't breastfeed. He had three surgeries his

447
00:30:18,359 --> 00:30:20,960
first year. I had three kids under three and a half.

448
00:30:22,279 --> 00:30:26,279
We just moved from Chicago to the suburbs. My husband

449
00:30:26,319 --> 00:30:29,799
got a big corporate job, was traveling two hundred nights

450
00:30:29,839 --> 00:30:33,480
a year. I don't know anyone in the suburbs, and

451
00:30:34,799 --> 00:30:38,000
everyone who came over to meet me brought me wine.

452
00:30:38,279 --> 00:30:41,920
Welcome to the neighborhood. Can I watch your babies while

453
00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:44,799
you go out with your girlfriends. We would love to

454
00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:48,680
have a play date and hold them. Mommy, wine culture

455
00:30:48,759 --> 00:30:51,799
showed up big time for me. And I lived in

456
00:30:51,839 --> 00:30:56,400
this bougie neighborhood in the suburbs of Chicago, and we

457
00:30:56,519 --> 00:30:59,480
had enough money and they had nannies and it all

458
00:30:59,519 --> 00:31:02,839
looked good, and so that's what we did. Mommy Wye

459
00:31:02,839 --> 00:31:07,480
culture was how I survived, except for it started getting

460
00:31:07,519 --> 00:31:12,240
really bad really quickly, right because none of us had jobs.

461
00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:15,599
We were all stay at home moms. Somebody would host

462
00:31:15,599 --> 00:31:19,599
a party, we'd drive a mile away all hang out

463
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:23,000
all day, get blacked out. I would get blacked out.

464
00:31:23,079 --> 00:31:26,160
I don't know about other people. And then I would

465
00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:30,079
go home and pretend to my husband like I hadn't

466
00:31:30,119 --> 00:31:33,319
been drinking all day and be like, oh, it's four

467
00:31:33,319 --> 00:31:35,720
o'clock so we could open it whatever. And he's like,

468
00:31:35,759 --> 00:31:38,079
have you been drinking? And I'm just straight up lying

469
00:31:38,119 --> 00:31:41,160
to him, like what is wrong with you? It is

470
00:31:41,319 --> 00:31:44,119
three pm on a Wednesday. Of course I'm not drinking, Like,

471
00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:47,519
get your shit together, like, I'm sure you had something

472
00:31:47,519 --> 00:31:52,319
at lunch, Like I was mad, and.

473
00:31:52,319 --> 00:31:54,200
Speaker 1: I smile because also relatable.

474
00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:59,079
Speaker 2: I was like, what, who do you think you are

475
00:31:59,119 --> 00:32:02,599
to tell me, like you don't have a beer at

476
00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:06,319
happy hour every day? Who are you to tell me

477
00:32:06,359 --> 00:32:10,559
that I'm less of an adult to make this decision. Yeah,

478
00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:13,599
And it was a huge control thing too, like it

479
00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:17,799
did not like the thought of someone else, like having

480
00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:24,200
control over what I could or couldn't do. So things

481
00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:27,519
start getting worse. And I go to this party with

482
00:32:27,559 --> 00:32:30,200
these girls and I get blacked out in the middle

483
00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:32,160
of the party, and so I get upset and I

484
00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:34,119
walk home except for I don't make it home and

485
00:32:34,119 --> 00:32:37,440
I end up passed out on the street median in

486
00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:42,000
the middle of our fancy ass neighborhood. And that was

487
00:32:42,039 --> 00:32:49,480
my first time that I ended up in what not,

488
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:52,880
I guess medical detox and then the psyche word.

489
00:32:54,279 --> 00:32:58,440
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I laughed. It's not funny, obviously, but I

490
00:32:58,519 --> 00:33:01,599
mean it painted of a picture.

491
00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:06,000
Speaker 2: It's accurate. I looked really good, pasted out. I would

492
00:33:06,039 --> 00:33:10,599
like to let you know my heels and bag epically adorable.

493
00:33:11,039 --> 00:33:13,039
So like, if I'm going to die on the street,

494
00:33:13,079 --> 00:33:16,359
meeting and I will look cute. I just who.

495
00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:17,119
Speaker 1: Called the police?

496
00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:17,279
Speaker 2: Like?

497
00:33:17,319 --> 00:33:20,279
Speaker 1: Did someone call your husband? Did they call the police? Like?

498
00:33:20,319 --> 00:33:21,519
What how did that work?

499
00:33:22,799 --> 00:33:26,480
Speaker 2: I don't really know. I woke up in the hospital

500
00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:29,880
and my my best friend who lived in downtown Chicago

501
00:33:30,039 --> 00:33:35,400
was with me. She had apparently contacted my husband someone

502
00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:40,240
had the police have found me passed out and I

503
00:33:40,279 --> 00:33:43,519
can't let like. I had a point three to four

504
00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:49,599
alcohol wow, really high. And they were like, we think

505
00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:53,039
you have an alcohol problem and I was like, oh god,

506
00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:57,160
I really don't. That's so cute, though, do you know

507
00:33:57,200 --> 00:34:00,519
what I really have? Like I have depression in a anxiety,

508
00:34:02,079 --> 00:34:07,480
I'm unhappy and my husband's an asshole obviously, right, Like,

509
00:34:07,640 --> 00:34:09,800
this is the problem. Do you see him here right now?

510
00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:14,960
He doesn't love me whatever? Right, So I'm like anything,

511
00:34:15,199 --> 00:34:18,559
but the alcohol could be the problem. So then they're like, great,

512
00:34:18,719 --> 00:34:22,599
go see a psychiatrist, get some benzos.

513
00:34:24,119 --> 00:34:26,760
Speaker 1: Before we started recording, you were like, there's so many

514
00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:33,559
similarities in our story and I am hearing them. M yeah,

515
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:36,880
that's what I need. I need something to take the

516
00:34:37,079 --> 00:34:40,719
edge off because I have anxiety. And now I have

517
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:45,559
diagnosed anxiety, so like this has been the problem all along.

518
00:34:45,679 --> 00:34:48,599
The problem is I don't get to feel like normal people.

519
00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:52,440
I've never felt like just super comfortable in my own

520
00:34:52,519 --> 00:34:56,840
skin because I had anxiety. Now everybody can get off

521
00:34:56,840 --> 00:34:59,119
my back about the fact that I sometimes blackout when

522
00:34:59,119 --> 00:34:59,760
I drink.

523
00:35:00,519 --> 00:35:05,199
Speaker 2: Right, So I'm like perfect. So I'm like great, now

524
00:35:05,199 --> 00:35:13,079
I'm on Benzo's and drinking fantastic, great combo. Things do

525
00:35:13,159 --> 00:35:19,280
not get better. My husband is now like concerned enough.

526
00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:22,320
There have been enough times that like, you know, he's

527
00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:24,639
out of town and the babysitter will call and be like,

528
00:35:24,679 --> 00:35:28,480
I'm a little worried to leave because Christie's home, but

529
00:35:28,639 --> 00:35:35,679
like it's not like with it. I can't tell you

530
00:35:35,719 --> 00:35:39,719
how many times babysitters slept over at my house because

531
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:45,320
they were too scared to leave me alone with my children. Again,

532
00:35:46,320 --> 00:35:51,400
like super not proud of this and super unwilling to

533
00:35:51,480 --> 00:35:57,280
look at it because I felt trapped, scared, wrong, bad

534
00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:02,360
alone and see a way out, And so I thought

535
00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:05,400
the way out was ignore it and maybe it'll take

536
00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:07,000
care of itself eventually.

537
00:36:08,719 --> 00:36:13,000
Speaker 1: Maybe when you feel better, you won't have to drink right,

538
00:36:13,159 --> 00:36:15,920
and then it will just go away, right, because it

539
00:36:16,039 --> 00:36:18,960
does to the fact that you can drink regular like

540
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:19,960
a regular parce.

541
00:36:19,679 --> 00:36:22,239
Speaker 2: I can just be social, right, just like social on

542
00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:25,000
the weekends at parties or on days that end and

543
00:36:25,079 --> 00:36:28,679
why or if there's like a matching glass with the

544
00:36:28,719 --> 00:36:32,960
cocktail and it's the theme, because that the theme, so

545
00:36:33,079 --> 00:36:37,119
like I couldn't miss out on that anyway. So my

546
00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:41,920
drinking is really bad, and things keep getting worse that

547
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:44,920
I keep lying, And now I'm hiding bottles. Now I'm

548
00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:47,519
hiding bottles around the house because my husband is on

549
00:36:47,639 --> 00:36:51,400
to me. He's now tracking my spending. Now I'm buying

550
00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:55,199
liquor not from liquors stores or grocery stores. Now I'm

551
00:36:55,239 --> 00:37:00,960
buying it from Target. Home goods, any where that you

552
00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:03,719
can buy it that would not be like you go

553
00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:09,239
here for food and drinks, anywhere else that sells it, CVS, Walgreens,

554
00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:12,559
any of those, I am buying it there because that's

555
00:37:12,599 --> 00:37:16,119
not trackable. So those are my bottles that now he

556
00:37:16,199 --> 00:37:19,039
doesn't know that I have. He knows that I'm getting

557
00:37:19,079 --> 00:37:22,280
it somehow right, but he I think he doesn't know

558
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:25,679
that I have them, and They're hidden all over my house,

559
00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:29,719
so that when I'm doing laundry at two o'clock in

560
00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:32,239
the morning and say I have to switch to laundry,

561
00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:37,280
I'm actually up drinking for an hour. Because at this

562
00:37:37,519 --> 00:37:41,400
point I have three kids under four and a half.

563
00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:43,800
My husband and I are not on the same page.

564
00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:47,719
We are not getting along. I have no real friends.

565
00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:50,199
I have like a group of people I pretend to

566
00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:53,960
hang out with so I can drink and I don't

567
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:57,079
feel seen or understood by them. When I drink, I

568
00:37:57,119 --> 00:38:00,239
get depressed and sad. When I get depressed in sad,

569
00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:03,519
I drink more alcohol and then it becomes a really

570
00:38:03,519 --> 00:38:07,239
big problem. So my parents get involved and they're like,

571
00:38:07,800 --> 00:38:10,800
you have to go to treatment, and I was like, great,

572
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:14,400
I'll go to an anxiety, depression and eating disorder program.

573
00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:18,320
I have all of those things. They were like, you're right,

574
00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:20,239
let's send you to that. So I go to a

575
00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:24,880
six week IOP program. Right, it's or PHP. So it

576
00:38:25,039 --> 00:38:29,800
was five days a week, six hours a day, and

577
00:38:30,119 --> 00:38:33,760
about four weeks into that program, stuffanie. You know what happened,

578
00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:38,920
they got they everyone got smoke brakes. Right, So, like,

579
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:42,239
in the middle of this program about eating disorders and depression,

580
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:45,639
people get like these smoke breaks, and I'm like, I'm

581
00:38:45,639 --> 00:38:47,880
not a smoker, but like these people get to go

582
00:38:47,920 --> 00:38:52,000
on fucking breaks. I'm gonna be calm a smoker, Okay.

583
00:38:52,039 --> 00:38:54,679
So I don't like smoking, but I'm like, I love

584
00:38:54,719 --> 00:38:57,639
the idea of a break. So I just start bringing

585
00:38:57,679 --> 00:39:02,360
wine in my car. And so I then take smoke

586
00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:07,960
brakes and am getting alcohol warm alcohol out of a

587
00:39:08,119 --> 00:39:14,079
Phronsia box in the back of my car. Mmm, yummy.

588
00:39:15,159 --> 00:39:17,559
I get blacked out in the middle of this program.

589
00:39:17,639 --> 00:39:21,880
In the middle of the day, I come to in

590
00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:27,000
the hospital. I have been kicked out of a PHP

591
00:39:27,199 --> 00:39:33,800
program for getting shit based awesome. So after that happened,

592
00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:40,639
I got out, Nobody sort of knew what to do

593
00:39:40,719 --> 00:39:46,239
with me. I drove one time, and I totaled my car.

594
00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:50,039
Nobody was in the car, thank god, except for me.

595
00:39:52,039 --> 00:39:56,079
But after that happened, my parents my husband were like,

596
00:39:57,519 --> 00:40:01,480
this is enough. You have a problem. You have now

597
00:40:01,559 --> 00:40:05,719
ended up in detox four times. You've been in the

598
00:40:05,760 --> 00:40:09,559
ear multiple times for alcohol. You have an alcohol problem.

599
00:40:09,559 --> 00:40:11,920
And I'm like, I hate all of you, but whatever.

600
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:14,480
So they're like, you have to go to rehabs. So

601
00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:16,320
I'm like, great, I'll go to rehabs. So this is

602
00:40:16,320 --> 00:40:21,400
twenty seventeen. My youngest is one, my oldest is four.

603
00:40:22,239 --> 00:40:24,880
I'm like, who leaves their kids when they're this tiny?

604
00:40:25,119 --> 00:40:28,559
I fly out to California to some fancy rehab because

605
00:40:28,599 --> 00:40:30,920
I'm like, I'm not going to go to downtown Chicago,

606
00:40:31,239 --> 00:40:34,519
like driving in traffic f that. Like, I'm going to

607
00:40:34,639 --> 00:40:36,480
like I want to go horseback rating, i want to

608
00:40:36,519 --> 00:40:38,679
get a tan, I'm going to get a six pack.

609
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:40,760
Like I'm gonna come back from like mommy camp and

610
00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:46,360
be like so hot. This is literally my mentality going

611
00:40:46,400 --> 00:40:50,239
to rehab is I just seed a mom break. This

612
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:55,679
is mommy reset. No one gets it. I'm not actually

613
00:40:55,679 --> 00:40:57,719
an alcoholic and I'm going to go prove it.

614
00:40:57,800 --> 00:41:00,599
Speaker 1: Well, my thinking was the same because when I got sober,

615
00:41:00,719 --> 00:41:03,239
my kids were my twins were eighteen months and my

616
00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:06,360
older daughter was four, and I was so jealous of

617
00:41:06,400 --> 00:41:10,239
the people that were like coming to meetings from rehab.

618
00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:15,320
I'm like, damn, it must be nice. I can't even imagine.

619
00:41:15,360 --> 00:41:18,960
What do you just yoga classes every day? I was

620
00:41:19,079 --> 00:41:19,880
so jealous.

621
00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:23,639
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I'm like, great, I'll got to rehab. I

622
00:41:23,639 --> 00:41:27,760
go to California. It's basically like the Four Seasons. It

623
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:30,840
is the most beautiful, luxurious place. We have like a

624
00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:36,519
private chef and like also, it's like one bazillion dollars. Also,

625
00:41:36,599 --> 00:41:39,360
by the way, like an insurance does not cover this,

626
00:41:39,599 --> 00:41:43,519
And I'm like, what EV's was it like this side? No,

627
00:41:44,239 --> 00:41:48,639
it was called hang on. It starts with an R.

628
00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:50,119
It'll come to me.

629
00:41:50,239 --> 00:41:53,719
Speaker 1: Okay, it's okay, just because we had the guy who

630
00:41:53,840 --> 00:41:56,800
used to run cliff Side on the show. But oh,

631
00:41:57,039 --> 00:41:58,440
it's kind of a douche anyway.

632
00:41:58,719 --> 00:42:03,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was the place that Robin Williams went. Okay,

633
00:42:04,400 --> 00:42:09,400
it was Yeah, I was real fancy. It was real fancy,

634
00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:11,599
and I learned a whole bunch of wait for it, nothing.

635
00:42:12,719 --> 00:42:15,199
Do you want to know why I learned nothing? Because

636
00:42:15,239 --> 00:42:19,840
I didn't want to. I think you could go to red.

637
00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:22,159
You can send somebody to rehab and if they don't

638
00:42:22,159 --> 00:42:24,239
want to be there, they're not going to get anything

639
00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:30,159
out of it. I really I think that's true. And

640
00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:33,920
I still needed to go. What happened was all the

641
00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:36,679
alcohol was taken out of my system for thirty days.

642
00:42:36,840 --> 00:42:42,639
What happened was I saw glimmers of people. There's a

643
00:42:42,679 --> 00:42:45,800
woman who gave me my AA book that I still

644
00:42:45,840 --> 00:42:49,159
have and wrote me a note in it. Her name's Pam.

645
00:42:49,599 --> 00:42:54,360
She came to our rehab and and spoke about her life,

646
00:42:54,440 --> 00:42:59,760
and she had something I wanted. She was authentic. She

647
00:43:00,199 --> 00:43:07,559
is confident, understated, confident, didn't have to like own the rooms,

648
00:43:07,679 --> 00:43:17,679
but owned it anyway, really sure of herself, had like peace, peace, sin, serenity.

649
00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:21,480
I was like what she just like feels? She has

650
00:43:21,519 --> 00:43:25,920
just like lovely energy and light and there was something

651
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:29,960
really attractive about that. And so I asked the rehab

652
00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:31,639
place if I would be able to meet with her

653
00:43:31,639 --> 00:43:34,480
a handful of times and they said yes, And so

654
00:43:34,559 --> 00:43:38,320
she and I really made a deep connection. And she

655
00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:41,679
took me to her AA meeting, which was a totally

656
00:43:41,719 --> 00:43:46,559
different experience than going alone to some random group in

657
00:43:46,679 --> 00:43:50,199
downtown Chicago when I didn't really want to go. This

658
00:43:50,519 --> 00:43:52,960
was kind of like it sounded like your first time,

659
00:43:53,039 --> 00:43:56,840
Like I had a friend, I had someone whose arm

660
00:43:56,920 --> 00:43:59,679
I could hold on to, whose hand I could squeeze.

661
00:44:00,039 --> 00:44:05,039
Who's gonna drive me home? Because Lord knows. After I

662
00:44:05,159 --> 00:44:07,360
raised my hand and said for the first time, Hi,

663
00:44:07,480 --> 00:44:11,000
my name is Christy and I'm an alcoholic, I was

664
00:44:11,039 --> 00:44:12,519
not going to be able to drive home. I was

665
00:44:12,519 --> 00:44:15,800
not gonna be able to stop crying. I was terrified,

666
00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:20,800
is this real? Am I this kind of person? And

667
00:44:20,840 --> 00:44:25,440
what does that mean about me? If I am so?

668
00:44:25,480 --> 00:44:25,960
Speaker 3: I do this.

669
00:44:26,679 --> 00:44:29,360
Speaker 2: I stay sober for thirty days. My dad flies out,

670
00:44:29,519 --> 00:44:32,800
my husband flies out, we celebrate my thirty day chip,

671
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:35,400
I go home. I stay sober for thirty days. And

672
00:44:35,480 --> 00:44:38,320
then my husband and I went to a Bear's Steelers

673
00:44:38,400 --> 00:44:40,880
game and we were in the front row and I

674
00:44:40,920 --> 00:44:44,559
had a beer because I'd been sober for two months,

675
00:44:44,719 --> 00:44:46,400
and he had a beer. So I had a beer

676
00:44:46,519 --> 00:44:49,480
and Stephanie. I was so damn proud of myself. I

677
00:44:49,519 --> 00:44:52,960
only had two blue moons, minus the one shot that

678
00:44:53,039 --> 00:44:55,079
I took with the people in the hallway that I

679
00:44:55,079 --> 00:44:57,760
didn't tell anyone about. But I only had two blue

680
00:44:57,800 --> 00:45:01,519
moons and I'd been sober for six two days. Obviously

681
00:45:01,519 --> 00:45:04,880
it wasn't an alcoholic because alcoholics couldn't do that. And

682
00:45:04,960 --> 00:45:07,280
when I was in rehab, everyone told me I wasn't

683
00:45:07,320 --> 00:45:09,440
an alcoholic. They were like, sorry, what do you drink?

684
00:45:09,440 --> 00:45:13,199
And I was like champagne and they were like what

685
00:45:13,239 --> 00:45:17,039
the fuck? Like that isn't even like high proof, Like

686
00:45:17,320 --> 00:45:20,719
what kind of fucking lay mass alcoholic? Are you? Like?

687
00:45:21,119 --> 00:45:23,159
Have you gotten a DUI? I'm like, oh my god,

688
00:45:23,199 --> 00:45:25,519
of course not. Have you lost your job?

689
00:45:25,920 --> 00:45:26,159
Speaker 1: No?

690
00:45:26,719 --> 00:45:31,119
Speaker 2: Are you getting divorced? No? Well, what why are you here?

691
00:45:31,199 --> 00:45:34,920
I'm like, oh my god, why am I here? I

692
00:45:34,920 --> 00:45:37,960
don't need to be here. I am figuring out the

693
00:45:38,079 --> 00:45:42,280
rules of drinking. You have to take breaks, I gotta

694
00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:45,880
I gotta drink more water. I need to like have

695
00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:49,480
some food when I'm drinking. I'll have some rules. I

696
00:45:49,519 --> 00:45:52,760
get it now. I know all the neuropathways and the language,

697
00:45:52,960 --> 00:45:57,119
and like, I'm so smart I can out smart addiction. Uh, Like,

698
00:45:57,159 --> 00:46:00,119
I'm really smart. I really thought I was going to you.

699
00:46:00,599 --> 00:46:01,440
Speaker 1: So what happened?

700
00:46:02,360 --> 00:46:05,679
Speaker 2: I did not out smart addiction. That is not possible.

701
00:46:07,880 --> 00:46:16,199
Everything got worse so fast. I came home. I I

702
00:46:16,239 --> 00:46:23,639
totaled the car. We moved. We moved from Chicago to Wisconsin,

703
00:46:23,920 --> 00:46:26,400
and it was sold to me like, this is a

704
00:46:26,440 --> 00:46:30,000
really good opportunity to start over. Nobody has to know

705
00:46:30,039 --> 00:46:33,639
that you've gone to rehab, nobody has to know that

706
00:46:33,679 --> 00:46:37,800
you have a drinking problem. Frush start. And there was

707
00:46:37,800 --> 00:46:42,079
something so incredibly attractive about that to me, And I'm like, yes,

708
00:46:42,239 --> 00:46:45,519
I can go be a regular drinker. So we move here.

709
00:46:45,920 --> 00:46:50,559
And right after we move here, I get surprise pregnant again.

710
00:46:51,800 --> 00:47:00,800
And that pregnancy, I had a really hard time not drinking.

711
00:47:02,079 --> 00:47:04,559
I thought about it every day. I was mad all

712
00:47:04,599 --> 00:47:10,679
the time, I was exhausted, the three little kids at home.

713
00:47:10,840 --> 00:47:13,519
I didn't feel great. I found out I was pregnant

714
00:47:13,519 --> 00:47:18,239
when I was traveling on a yoga retreat in Bocos

715
00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:21,280
del Toro, Panama, in the middle of the Zeka Scare.

716
00:47:21,400 --> 00:47:23,639
So I had like all this other stuff to worry about,

717
00:47:23,679 --> 00:47:26,400
like my my daughter's head too big, Like there was

718
00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:31,719
just so so much going on, and my drinking got,

719
00:47:32,000 --> 00:47:37,000
you know, bad, And so I was not drinking during

720
00:47:37,039 --> 00:47:43,440
my pregnancy until I found something out. I found something

721
00:47:43,480 --> 00:47:47,320
out when it was my son's two year old birthday party,

722
00:47:47,440 --> 00:47:50,320
and I was seven months pregnant with my daughter, and

723
00:47:50,360 --> 00:47:53,440
I had two other kids, and all of our families

724
00:47:53,440 --> 00:47:58,199
were over, and I, you know, got some information. And

725
00:47:58,559 --> 00:48:04,400
I didn't say anything about this information, but I knew it.

726
00:48:04,599 --> 00:48:13,000
And it was so upsetting that I I went to

727
00:48:13,320 --> 00:48:16,119
the locutor store and I got an entire bottle of

728
00:48:16,239 --> 00:48:20,800
rose wine and I locked myself in the basement and

729
00:48:20,840 --> 00:48:23,519
I drank the entire thing as fast as I could

730
00:48:24,039 --> 00:48:29,840
at seven months pregnant with my daughter, and I was

731
00:48:29,920 --> 00:48:31,760
just like, I don't want to be here. I don't

732
00:48:31,760 --> 00:48:33,239
know how to get out of this. I don't know

733
00:48:33,239 --> 00:48:36,400
what I want to do. I hate everyone, I hate myself.

734
00:48:37,440 --> 00:48:39,719
I don't know how to be a good mom. I'm

735
00:48:39,920 --> 00:48:43,440
stuck at being pregnant, like I don't have any friends.

736
00:48:45,079 --> 00:48:51,400
It was really, really bad. The next two months were awful.

737
00:48:52,239 --> 00:48:57,159
I had my daughter two days before Halloween, and I

738
00:48:57,239 --> 00:49:00,840
had her and two days later I got out of

739
00:49:00,840 --> 00:49:04,599
the hospital and we came home and my husband went

740
00:49:04,639 --> 00:49:07,800
back to work, and I took all four of my

741
00:49:08,000 --> 00:49:10,440
kids under the age of five and a half to

742
00:49:10,880 --> 00:49:15,239
a neighborhood Halloween party. When I had a thirty six

743
00:49:15,280 --> 00:49:19,320
hour old baby, and I got blacked out in a

744
00:49:19,360 --> 00:49:22,800
brand new neighborhood with a thirty six hour old baby

745
00:49:22,840 --> 00:49:25,400
that I had driven to and basically no one in

746
00:49:25,440 --> 00:49:30,000
the neighborhood knew who the hell I was. And these

747
00:49:30,039 --> 00:49:36,559
people were like, what the hell is going on? Why

748
00:49:36,760 --> 00:49:41,559
is this woman here with no nanny, no husband, no

749
00:49:41,599 --> 00:49:46,039
one's driving, She's driving a thirty six hour old baby,

750
00:49:46,280 --> 00:49:55,599
Like this is crazy. That led to the scariest six

751
00:49:55,639 --> 00:50:00,079
months of my entire life, because what happened after I

752
00:50:00,079 --> 00:50:02,440
had my daughter is that I didn't care anymore than

753
00:50:02,519 --> 00:50:06,760
people thought I was an alcoholic. I didn't care. I

754
00:50:06,800 --> 00:50:09,400
didn't care what they thought because I didn't care about

755
00:50:09,400 --> 00:50:13,039
myself and I don't want to be here anymore, and

756
00:50:13,079 --> 00:50:15,199
I didn't know how to get through the day. And

757
00:50:15,239 --> 00:50:19,360
the only thing that gave me any sort of relief

758
00:50:19,480 --> 00:50:23,239
was alcohol. And I didn't have anyone to talk to,

759
00:50:27,119 --> 00:50:30,599
and my parents didn't believe me, right because I had

760
00:50:30,639 --> 00:50:35,199
been lying to everyone about drinking, how could they believe

761
00:50:35,239 --> 00:50:38,239
me about anything else. I get it, you know, it

762
00:50:38,360 --> 00:50:46,159
was just like this perfect storm. After my daughter was born,

763
00:50:47,679 --> 00:50:51,000
my alcohol use was like on high alert for kind

764
00:50:51,000 --> 00:50:55,679
of everyone. The handful of friends that I had had to,

765
00:50:56,159 --> 00:50:58,719
you know, pick me up on a Tuesday after a

766
00:50:58,800 --> 00:51:03,159
nail appointment. I'm the nails spot, won't let me drive.

767
00:51:04,719 --> 00:51:08,880
I get I host a bunco party, progressive bunko party

768
00:51:09,000 --> 00:51:12,400
that I know you did too, and I passed out

769
00:51:12,440 --> 00:51:20,840
before people got here. I was such a mess. We

770
00:51:21,679 --> 00:51:30,159
went on a President's Club trip for my husband in

771
00:51:32,239 --> 00:51:37,679
March May May end of May May of twenty nineteen,

772
00:51:37,920 --> 00:51:42,079
and it was like we had really been working on

773
00:51:42,119 --> 00:51:45,679
my drinking. He had, you know, we had talked a

774
00:51:45,719 --> 00:51:48,719
lot about it. We had rules in place. I could

775
00:51:48,760 --> 00:51:51,159
only drink with him. I could only drink what he

776
00:51:51,280 --> 00:51:53,119
gave me. Like it was like he had to be

777
00:51:53,159 --> 00:51:55,760
the alcohol police, which is a horrible place to be

778
00:51:55,920 --> 00:51:59,760
for anyone. And so we go on this trip and

779
00:51:59,800 --> 00:52:02,480
it was like I was allowed to be fun until

780
00:52:02,480 --> 00:52:05,039
the trip was over, and then when the trip was over,

781
00:52:05,119 --> 00:52:07,760
it was like party time is off except for Stephanie.

782
00:52:08,079 --> 00:52:11,280
You know as well as I do. I don't have

783
00:52:11,320 --> 00:52:14,639
an off switch. You can't tell me when it's time

784
00:52:14,679 --> 00:52:17,440
to be done and expect me to be done. So

785
00:52:17,519 --> 00:52:19,800
I get home from this trip, I go on a bender.

786
00:52:21,440 --> 00:52:28,880
I had suicidal ideation, really bad in a plan and

787
00:52:29,039 --> 00:52:32,639
all this stuff, and I ended up calling my therapist

788
00:52:32,960 --> 00:52:37,639
and they sent me to psych Word and I left

789
00:52:37,679 --> 00:52:43,119
the psych Word three days later, against medical advice, deciding

790
00:52:43,159 --> 00:52:47,440
that I needed to go home. And I came home.

791
00:52:48,239 --> 00:52:51,519
My husband was like, what are you doing here? And

792
00:52:51,559 --> 00:52:53,920
I was like, well, I just got an uber home

793
00:52:53,960 --> 00:52:56,039
because I decided it was time to be back here.

794
00:52:57,920 --> 00:53:01,760
The next morning, he all of my kids to school,

795
00:53:01,880 --> 00:53:04,159
and then he was like, I'm gonna take our daughter

796
00:53:04,280 --> 00:53:06,800
to the gym with him so you could rest after

797
00:53:06,840 --> 00:53:09,159
your weekend. I know you had a rough weekend. And

798
00:53:09,199 --> 00:53:14,039
I was like, I hate you. I hated everyone. And

799
00:53:14,199 --> 00:53:17,119
the doorbell rang while he was gone, and I was

800
00:53:17,159 --> 00:53:23,599
served separation papers with no notice, four days after trying

801
00:53:23,599 --> 00:53:34,440
to commit suicide. And that was the very very first

802
00:53:34,480 --> 00:53:40,119
time that alcohol was not my first thought. This was

803
00:53:40,159 --> 00:53:45,920
the very first time that life was bigger than alcohol.

804
00:53:46,920 --> 00:53:51,800
Alcohol was not going to solve the fact that I

805
00:53:51,800 --> 00:53:56,079
had just gotten separation papers handed to me by some

806
00:53:56,239 --> 00:54:01,800
sad looking old man. And I was like, oh my god.

807
00:54:03,559 --> 00:54:08,480
So I stayed sober for about three weeks. I got

808
00:54:08,480 --> 00:54:11,920
a lawyer and then he and I, my husband and

809
00:54:11,920 --> 00:54:15,239
I went to a concert somebody we really loved together,

810
00:54:15,280 --> 00:54:19,199
and what did we do? We had a drink and

811
00:54:19,239 --> 00:54:21,679
that led to six weeks of me drinking and driving.

812
00:54:23,360 --> 00:54:28,159
I ended up all over the state, blacked out, passed out,

813
00:54:28,400 --> 00:54:32,920
throwing up in random parking lots, hotel rooms, nobody knew

814
00:54:32,920 --> 00:54:35,880
where I was, Like, I didn't know where I was.

815
00:54:36,199 --> 00:54:41,920
I would leave entire suitcases of things in a hotel

816
00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:43,840
and just like be like whatever, I don't need that

817
00:54:43,920 --> 00:54:50,239
stuff anymore. I wanted to run away, and alcoholic couldn't

818
00:54:50,280 --> 00:54:58,000
get me far enough away from myself. And so the

819
00:54:59,000 --> 00:55:02,360
two weeks before the or the July, I had had

820
00:55:02,400 --> 00:55:04,599
another big incident and my husband was like, I don't

821
00:55:04,639 --> 00:55:06,719
trust you at home alone with the kids. And I

822
00:55:06,760 --> 00:55:10,480
was like, what a dick? Like I put these kids

823
00:55:10,519 --> 00:55:12,880
here on this planet, and the only reason that they're

824
00:55:12,920 --> 00:55:16,639
alive today is because I take care of them. It's Stephanie.

825
00:55:16,760 --> 00:55:20,840
The truth was that also could have been the only

826
00:55:20,880 --> 00:55:22,920
reason they wouldn't have been there would have been me,

827
00:55:24,599 --> 00:55:27,079
And that was really scary. So he was like, we're

828
00:55:27,119 --> 00:55:29,400
gonna get a full time nanny, and I was like,

829
00:55:29,480 --> 00:55:31,400
we're going to get a full time nanny? Like I'm

830
00:55:31,440 --> 00:55:34,960
a stay at home mom. What am I gonna do?

831
00:55:35,880 --> 00:55:39,440
I That made me mad, and so I ended up

832
00:55:39,559 --> 00:55:45,400
drinking and I ended up getting not one, but two

833
00:55:46,719 --> 00:55:51,360
you eyes in seventy two hours. One week after we

834
00:55:51,440 --> 00:55:54,360
hired a full time nanny. I got my first one

835
00:55:54,480 --> 00:55:58,639
July second, and I got my second one on July fifth.

836
00:56:00,880 --> 00:56:03,920
My husband took the kids away after the Fourth of

837
00:56:04,000 --> 00:56:08,159
July party. I've been on an ID in my car

838
00:56:08,239 --> 00:56:09,800
or you have to blow into the thing. I'm on

839
00:56:10,000 --> 00:56:12,079
sober link where you have to blow into the facial

840
00:56:12,119 --> 00:56:16,559
recognition to Stephanie, I have rules, I am, I'm I'm

841
00:56:16,599 --> 00:56:19,480
blowing into it and then I'm drinking and throwing up

842
00:56:19,519 --> 00:56:23,760
and to try and manage the miss of it all.

843
00:56:23,800 --> 00:56:25,079
It was just so much.

844
00:56:25,360 --> 00:56:29,440
Speaker 1: Well then, so Christie, I want to I'm gonna split this.

845
00:56:29,840 --> 00:56:33,519
I feel like this is a great place to end

846
00:56:33,880 --> 00:56:40,320
our part one because there's it's so important. No no, no, no, no,

847
00:56:40,519 --> 00:56:43,920
it's great. The part two that after, I feel like

848
00:56:44,239 --> 00:56:46,119
can be its own story and we can do it

849
00:56:46,320 --> 00:56:50,840
over like twenty minutes on that so freeze where you

850
00:56:50,880 --> 00:56:53,519
are tell us where to find you. I see it

851
00:56:53,559 --> 00:56:57,239
on your screen, but you're at mocktail, Mommy, yes, mocktail

852
00:56:57,280 --> 00:57:01,519
Mom Christie Tanner. I mean, you've come a long way

853
00:57:01,559 --> 00:57:04,320
since then, so I want everybody to tune into part two.

854
00:57:04,880 --> 00:57:11,000
I'll post Part two tomorrow, so let's pause and then

855
00:57:11,079 --> 00:57:12,159
get right to Part two.

856
00:57:12,960 --> 00:57:29,039
Speaker 2: Perfect