WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.960 --> 00:00:07.639 The printed floor map hands just left of the undouble doors, 2 00:00:07.679 --> 00:00:11.039 colossy and severe in its plastic frame, I know it intimately, 3 00:00:11.039 --> 00:00:12.839 always have in a way that it lives even my 4 00:00:12.880 --> 00:00:15.800 own memory. A leaning rectangle showing the public libraries first floor, 5 00:00:15.960 --> 00:00:18.519 the gentle bend of the main hallway, boxy reading nooks, 6 00:00:18.559 --> 00:00:21.320 a star for the children's section. The reference desk is 7 00:00:21.359 --> 00:00:23.600 marked by a peculiar symbol, half a book and half 8 00:00:23.640 --> 00:00:26.079 a question mark, supposedly fixed like a pulpit at the 9 00:00:26.079 --> 00:00:28.440 hole's heart. It's a map I must have passed a 10 00:00:28.480 --> 00:00:32.640 thousand times, blinking at the keys, elevators, stairwell's bathrooms, I 11 00:00:32.679 --> 00:00:35.280 can conjure it with my eyes closed. So when I 12 00:00:35.280 --> 00:00:37.479 stop and glance at it out of habit on Tuesday morning, 13 00:00:37.520 --> 00:00:39.960 first volunteering shift of the week, I filled the tiniest 14 00:00:39.960 --> 00:00:43.320 catch in my chest. The travel stacks, in bold block print, 15 00:00:43.399 --> 00:00:46.359 are shown opposite the children's section, a frown in the 16 00:00:46.399 --> 00:00:48.600 actual building. The travel stacks sit in the horseshoe at 17 00:00:48.600 --> 00:00:51.479 the far end, which between biographies and their community. How 18 00:00:52.039 --> 00:00:54.039 the map shows them front and center, as though a 19 00:00:54.079 --> 00:00:57.600 half century of spatial certainty has twisted ninety degrees. It 20 00:00:57.679 --> 00:00:59.520 must be a new printing. I say to no one 21 00:00:59.679 --> 00:01:02.920 shaken loose the confusion, as if erring abnoald rug. The 22 00:01:03.000 --> 00:01:06.040 rest follows. The reference desk now appears more left than center, 23 00:01:06.200 --> 00:01:07.920 and a pathway I know to be strayed is kinked 24 00:01:07.920 --> 00:01:11.159 into an s curve. In real space, nothing has changed. 25 00:01:11.840 --> 00:01:14.760 The olive green carpet and polished fue walnut shells still muster, 26 00:01:14.840 --> 00:01:18.079 then stagic gravity, and the morning sun as always glimpses 27 00:01:18.079 --> 00:01:21.319 through the south facing panes. Still I filed the oddsy 28 00:01:21.359 --> 00:01:24.400 away with the hundreds of minuscule discrepancies that come with age. 29 00:01:24.879 --> 00:01:27.120 I work thirty three years as a middle school math 30 00:01:27.200 --> 00:01:29.079 teacher in Maple would and have been retired nearly to 31 00:01:29.799 --> 00:01:33.400 I've earned my capacity for gentle skepticism. Mis Cess Mendez, 32 00:01:33.480 --> 00:01:36.359 the head librarian, is particular about details. Should never let 33 00:01:36.400 --> 00:01:39.400 mislign flour plans slid through. But maybe there was a 34 00:01:39.439 --> 00:01:42.200 donor push or an incremental shift. No one told me 35 00:01:42.239 --> 00:01:45.599 about the smallerknee settles barely a tug, and I raise 36 00:01:45.640 --> 00:01:48.319 my sleeve to tidy. My name tag Helen Upton, volunteer. 37 00:01:48.959 --> 00:01:51.959 Two days later, shelving dogg eared field guides returned from 38 00:01:51.959 --> 00:01:55.079 a school project. The hum returns the gardening books all 39 00:01:55.120 --> 00:01:57.760 whystood past a lettle arc over nixur familiar. I once 40 00:01:57.840 --> 00:02:00.000 named it the green corner, for how the sunlight cars 41 00:02:00.079 --> 00:02:03.000 out the soft rectingle. There we're carrying a modest stack 42 00:02:03.040 --> 00:02:05.480 to the shelf. I find my feet plodding farther than usual. 43 00:02:05.920 --> 00:02:09.280 It isn't dramatic, just a quite drift. I glance back. 44 00:02:09.400 --> 00:02:12.039 The reference desk recedes as if attached by elastic, and 45 00:02:12.080 --> 00:02:15.039 the row of signs Encyclopedia, as a constant companion to gardening, 46 00:02:15.120 --> 00:02:17.240 seems to have grown an extra arm of glossy and 47 00:02:17.280 --> 00:02:20.240 broken shelves. I chalk it up to fatigue, But as 48 00:02:20.240 --> 00:02:23.560 he plants itself, that's when Pete, a spry ex postmaster 49 00:02:23.560 --> 00:02:26.080 who's always here when I am, passes by, arms heavy 50 00:02:26.120 --> 00:02:30.599 with magazines. Shifted things again, Helen, he calls, mock exasperated. 51 00:02:31.280 --> 00:02:35.319 I meant to answer, but his words strike a peculiar resonance. Shifted, 52 00:02:36.000 --> 00:02:39.120 I echo, matching my pace to his. He nods toward 53 00:02:39.159 --> 00:02:42.560 a twisting row, hunched like he's delivering a secret, then says, well, 54 00:02:42.599 --> 00:02:44.759 the travel books used to be where the mystery novels 55 00:02:44.759 --> 00:02:46.919 are now. I think feels off, or maybe I'm off 56 00:02:47.000 --> 00:02:49.520 hard to say, must just be the map, I say 57 00:02:49.560 --> 00:02:51.639 out loud, but my certainty is as smudged as a 58 00:02:51.639 --> 00:02:54.919 blackboard washed too quickly. We both shrug and retreat into 59 00:02:54.919 --> 00:02:57.080 our routines, but I leave that evening with an odd 60 00:02:57.080 --> 00:02:58.840 taste in my mouth, the kind that hovers at the 61 00:02:58.919 --> 00:03:02.439 edge of recognition. Nothing truly worrisommer ripple, not a fracture, 62 00:03:03.000 --> 00:03:04.560 but enough for one thought to take root. As I 63 00:03:04.599 --> 00:03:06.960 close my car door, something here doesn't quite line up 64 00:03:07.560 --> 00:03:10.520 most fooks, I suppose picture retirement to stillness, a gentle 65 00:03:10.560 --> 00:03:13.000 slide into our spend in the garden watching birds, fled 66 00:03:13.039 --> 00:03:16.039 up tomato cages, may be slipping in a crossword before lunch. 67 00:03:16.759 --> 00:03:21.280 I never found the appeal of emptiness. Quiet, yes, emptiness. No. 68 00:03:22.039 --> 00:03:25.000 My weak orbits a constellation of minor rituals. Daily walks, 69 00:03:25.000 --> 00:03:27.080 absolving the guild of the vickery next door, whose warm 70 00:03:27.120 --> 00:03:29.840 brid calls with the certainty of sumrise, twice weekly stints 71 00:03:29.840 --> 00:03:32.400 at the library, and coffee with my neighbor Francine, who 72 00:03:32.439 --> 00:03:34.919 is much better a crosswords than I'll ever be. The 73 00:03:34.919 --> 00:03:37.919 Maypwood Public Library is a relic of honest practicality port 74 00:03:37.960 --> 00:03:40.400 concrete and yellowed brick from the late fifties. Flight panels 75 00:03:40.400 --> 00:03:42.960 flicker softly that persistent for or send leaking from urus 76 00:03:43.000 --> 00:03:45.199 as fow as next door, and a host of regulars 77 00:03:45.240 --> 00:03:48.840 form of shifting background. Missess Mendes Stocky, imprecise rolls off 78 00:03:48.879 --> 00:03:51.639 from her station behind the reference canter, pragmatist to the corps, 79 00:03:51.639 --> 00:03:55.400 sharp with overdue reminders, but always remembering a pittron's birth day. Pete, 80 00:03:55.400 --> 00:03:59.080 my chief shelving companion, relishes the comforting geometry of barcoats 81 00:03:59.080 --> 00:04:01.240 and catalog numbers. Here he once designed a mail sorting 82 00:04:01.280 --> 00:04:03.960 system that cut delivery errors in ten by half. Maya 83 00:04:04.080 --> 00:04:06.719 off at college, but drifting back on brakes, lingers at tables, 84 00:04:06.719 --> 00:04:09.280 marched study only, conjuring the laptop in a thick tangle 85 00:04:09.319 --> 00:04:12.280 of Hevron corp. Joselyn shepherds her chat box twins Freyre 86 00:04:12.319 --> 00:04:14.479 and Lee, always on a campaign to check out more 87 00:04:14.479 --> 00:04:17.319 picture books than the catalog physically lists. This Massus Kailin 88 00:04:17.439 --> 00:04:20.040 retired music teacher, a willowy woman with skin the hue 89 00:04:20.040 --> 00:04:22.439 of old piano keys, never without her canvas bag and 90 00:04:22.480 --> 00:04:25.279 a greeting for every shelf the building itself is a 91 00:04:25.319 --> 00:04:28.560 tiny capsule, damp pages and max floors, institutional olive paint, 92 00:04:28.600 --> 00:04:31.959 clunky radiators that stutter in winter. The layout is stubborn 93 00:04:31.959 --> 00:04:34.680 in its logic. Doors face streets as they showed, restrooms 94 00:04:34.759 --> 00:04:36.879 hide in corners, and the only real variables are the 95 00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:40.199 center displayed tables, sometimes dressed with ghost stories in October, 96 00:04:40.240 --> 00:04:44.040 sometimes with tax forms come spring. Nothing here, ever, truly changes, 97 00:04:44.160 --> 00:04:46.439 not in the way change usually arrives in big swoops, 98 00:04:46.480 --> 00:04:50.399 with fanfare and hammers. Only the color of the bookmarks. Maybe, 99 00:04:50.800 --> 00:04:54.040 while the arrangement of massess mende Is is mug collection, I 100 00:04:54.079 --> 00:04:57.279 pride myself on noticing what other skin passed. A habit 101 00:04:57.319 --> 00:05:00.319 born of years corralling seventh greatest refractions and probabilit Lady 102 00:05:00.360 --> 00:05:02.399 learned to spot the off note, the missing cook, the 103 00:05:02.439 --> 00:05:05.839 sudden dip and posture that portrays a hidden worry. In retirement, 104 00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:09.040 that talent for discrete observation finds gentler outlets and misplaced 105 00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:11.279 spots by the first steps that echo little differently on 106 00:05:11.399 --> 00:05:14.199 rainy mornings, the particular way sunlight strikes the travel section 107 00:05:14.240 --> 00:05:17.600 at three o'clock shop. Volunteering keeps my mind lumber away 108 00:05:17.639 --> 00:05:19.279 to tell myself to the calm war of the day 109 00:05:19.319 --> 00:05:21.680 to day, to be part of something stitched together by purpose. 110 00:05:22.399 --> 00:05:24.439 I get my fill of community this way. A smile 111 00:05:24.480 --> 00:05:26.759 from miss s calen, a share puzzle with Peter fond 112 00:05:26.800 --> 00:05:28.639 nod from a college kit who asks me to mind 113 00:05:28.680 --> 00:05:30.839 the laptop just for a second. That always stretches to 114 00:05:30.920 --> 00:05:35.079 twenty minutes, and so when the routine feels subtly persistently miss, 115 00:05:35.120 --> 00:05:37.319 when a holeway feels too long, or a familiar desk 116 00:05:37.399 --> 00:05:40.360 is mirrored in the wrong place, I notice not with alarm, 117 00:05:40.439 --> 00:05:42.240 but with a sense of trying to remember the lyrics 118 00:05:42.279 --> 00:05:44.240 to Asalm I know by heart, but that refuses to 119 00:05:44.279 --> 00:05:47.600 settle into the melody. On Thursday afternoon, I assign myself 120 00:05:47.680 --> 00:05:51.680 to shelf biographies, a quiet corner, usually arms full of memoirs. 121 00:05:51.759 --> 00:05:53.959 I slip into Aisle six, counting shelves on my way 122 00:05:53.959 --> 00:05:57.399 with the board precision of habit one, two, three, four, five, hal, 123 00:05:58.079 --> 00:06:01.000 I blink, pause, and count again. There are nine shells 124 00:06:01.000 --> 00:06:03.199 crammed between the end caps, stretching farther than they have 125 00:06:03.240 --> 00:06:06.600 any writer. I set down the books. For as long 126 00:06:06.639 --> 00:06:09.800 as I can remember, there have always been six. Even 127 00:06:09.839 --> 00:06:11.560 as a girl. When my mother brought me here to 128 00:06:11.560 --> 00:06:14.279 pick out Nancy Drew Mysteries. The biographies were cradled by 129 00:06:14.319 --> 00:06:17.680 six modest shelves. I checked the labeling twice, at a 130 00:06:17.680 --> 00:06:21.600 third time, perhaps some renovations knuck under my rudeurrestray project. 131 00:06:21.600 --> 00:06:24.639 Cossined at a council meeting, I missed. I wander back, 132 00:06:24.879 --> 00:06:27.120 catching Pete before he descends into what we call the 133 00:06:27.160 --> 00:06:30.240 magazine grotto. Di did they add new shelves? I ask, 134 00:06:30.360 --> 00:06:33.959 keeping my tone light. He squints in my direction, lips pinched. 135 00:06:34.519 --> 00:06:36.879 They are always sneaking renovations in these days, aren't They 136 00:06:36.879 --> 00:06:39.040 could swear? Last year of fiction was here, now it's 137 00:06:39.079 --> 00:06:42.879 over there, he gestures vaguely, then shakes his head. Or 138 00:06:42.920 --> 00:06:46.240 maybe I'm getting sentimental. Buildings change we don't always notice. 139 00:06:46.639 --> 00:06:48.439 But when I bring it up to Massess Mende's at 140 00:06:48.439 --> 00:06:52.439 the reference desk, she seems uncharacteristically dismissive. And no renovations 141 00:06:52.439 --> 00:06:55.199 in over ten years, she replies, eyes tilting up briefly 142 00:06:55.199 --> 00:06:58.639 from her stack of repair slips. Why what's wrong with 143 00:06:58.680 --> 00:07:02.519 the biographies? I consider pressing, but chicken out. It all 144 00:07:02.560 --> 00:07:04.639 seems too trivial, and yet I keep returning to the 145 00:07:04.680 --> 00:07:06.920 shivery in my recollection, a certainty that the shells have 146 00:07:07.000 --> 00:07:10.839 multiplied behind my back. Later, shoving easy readers, the ones 147 00:07:10.839 --> 00:07:13.720 with thick, sturdy spines and stickers half peeled by generations 148 00:07:13.720 --> 00:07:16.120 of tiny hands, I find in that once belonged to 149 00:07:16.240 --> 00:07:18.879 the diary of Anne Frank, the spot is now brimming 150 00:07:18.879 --> 00:07:21.639 with cookbook's spines and glossy rods and goulds, titles like 151 00:07:21.680 --> 00:07:24.839 one hundred one soups for every season. It's miner again. 152 00:07:24.879 --> 00:07:27.040 Could be a resolving for an event, I tell myself. 153 00:07:27.720 --> 00:07:30.199 Or maybe my sense of spatial narrative is decay, drawn 154 00:07:30.240 --> 00:07:32.879 by the tides of retirement, but the pattern will not 155 00:07:32.959 --> 00:07:36.759 let go. Y three, Jocelyn strins, Freya and leotterring past 156 00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:40.079 the circulation desk in a state best described as pandemonic forces, 157 00:07:40.120 --> 00:07:44.519 echoing it's not here. Lee shots, I told you it's 158 00:07:44.519 --> 00:07:48.000 not where we left it, Freya. Their mother corroused them defeated, 159 00:07:48.040 --> 00:07:54.360 but Smilane picture boucave. Freya protus it's missing or moved. 160 00:07:54.560 --> 00:07:57.720 Lee insists, as though moving a cave were ordinary. As 161 00:07:57.759 --> 00:08:00.439 they duck into another aisle, I catch Missess mendersess glance. 162 00:08:01.199 --> 00:08:03.240 She rolls her eyes, her patience at the limit. Put 163 00:08:03.240 --> 00:08:05.040 in the flick of her expression, I read a sliver 164 00:08:05.079 --> 00:08:09.720 of recognition, or solidarity, or maybe just fatigue. I walk 165 00:08:09.759 --> 00:08:11.759 out that day, clutching my post tightly, a little more 166 00:08:11.800 --> 00:08:14.720 discomforted than I care to admit. The world isn't meant 167 00:08:14.720 --> 00:08:16.800 to move beneath your feet, especially not in places you 168 00:08:16.839 --> 00:08:19.800 trust to remain anchored. The next morning, I take what 169 00:08:19.920 --> 00:08:22.199 some would call excessive action and what I call simply 170 00:08:22.240 --> 00:08:25.519 prudent at home, over oatmeal in the scheduled section of 171 00:08:25.560 --> 00:08:27.519 the local paper, I draw a tentative map of the 172 00:08:27.519 --> 00:08:30.920 libraries first fall by memory. I don't get fancy, just 173 00:08:31.000 --> 00:08:34.480 boxes for sections, numbers, vials, a triangle for the reference desk, 174 00:08:34.600 --> 00:08:37.639 rectangles for the window alcoves. I finished with the bold 175 00:08:37.679 --> 00:08:40.200 dotted line representing my mental journey from the front desk 176 00:08:40.240 --> 00:08:42.399 to the gardening books, tracing the way I have always 177 00:08:42.399 --> 00:08:45.240 known it. I bring the scrap of graph paper with me. 178 00:08:45.879 --> 00:08:48.759 By ten, I stand beside the official map, now visibly 179 00:08:48.759 --> 00:08:50.840 as cue from what I know. But when I walk 180 00:08:50.879 --> 00:08:54.320 the main corridor map in hand, the landmarks are suddenly murky. 181 00:08:54.879 --> 00:08:57.200 The potry Alkov, the day drape with the knitted Afghan 182 00:08:57.279 --> 00:09:00.799 have been non fiction yesterday. I circle it frown. The 183 00:09:00.879 --> 00:09:04.080 chairs are different, the shells stubbier. The Dewey decimal numbers 184 00:09:04.080 --> 00:09:06.960 eight hundred eleven point fifty four nine hundred fourteen point 185 00:09:07.039 --> 00:09:10.000 one seem perfectly in place, but the context around them sways, 186 00:09:10.120 --> 00:09:13.480 as if nitting itself behind my shoulder. Misses Mendez is 187 00:09:13.519 --> 00:09:15.960 at the desk reading a gardening magazine with the gervites 188 00:09:15.960 --> 00:09:19.759 of a judge. Did remove poetry? I ask, showing her 189 00:09:19.799 --> 00:09:22.080 the map. She looks at me like I've asked if 190 00:09:22.120 --> 00:09:25.360 the library now sells citrus. Probably Rachelle for the last 191 00:09:25.360 --> 00:09:28.320 week poetry night. But the she trails off her open 192 00:09:28.360 --> 00:09:31.799 palms uncertain. Frankly, Helen, the stacks get a life of 193 00:09:31.799 --> 00:09:33.879 their own. Sometimes I think it's just the books of 194 00:09:33.919 --> 00:09:35.360 a mind for a wander, and try the out of 195 00:09:35.360 --> 00:09:38.279 the corner if you after something in particular. She doesn't 196 00:09:38.279 --> 00:09:41.200 seem worried, but I drot the change down, feeling my 197 00:09:41.279 --> 00:09:44.480 small batch of evidence accumulate that day and the next 198 00:09:44.559 --> 00:09:47.519 a visit with a new purpose. I bring a stenopad 199 00:09:47.559 --> 00:09:50.519 and log the exact order of sections garden and then science, 200 00:09:50.559 --> 00:09:54.080 then biography, then travel. Each time at least one item 201 00:09:54.120 --> 00:09:56.559 is off kilter. Science swapped with the history, A traveler 202 00:09:56.600 --> 00:09:59.519 nestles up against the language, and so on. The most 203 00:09:59.519 --> 00:10:01.840 ascrieting moments come when I find myself in a hallway 204 00:10:01.879 --> 00:10:04.919 that curves perceptibly, where I remember only a straight path. 205 00:10:05.440 --> 00:10:08.559 I double back, know the curve holds my feet. Measure 206 00:10:08.600 --> 00:10:10.840 the steps. Some days A sixteen from arch to cookbooks. 207 00:10:10.840 --> 00:10:15.200 Occasionally as twenty six. Missus Kilen pauses beside me, noticing 208 00:10:15.240 --> 00:10:18.720 my note that cataloging the oddities, She asks, her voice 209 00:10:18.759 --> 00:10:23.159 gentle lacew with mischief. I hesitate, caught just keeping my 210 00:10:23.200 --> 00:10:25.480 memory fresh. I suppose I'm not the only one getting 211 00:10:25.519 --> 00:10:28.360 turned around these days. She lowers herself on to a 212 00:10:28.399 --> 00:10:31.759 window bench, knees popping as she sits. Last Tuesday, I 213 00:10:31.799 --> 00:10:33.919 lost a good hour in the fast stacks, she murmurs, 214 00:10:34.600 --> 00:10:36.600 walked a mile or so, it felt. Ended up with 215 00:10:36.639 --> 00:10:39.159 this book, never saw it in the catalog. Before she 216 00:10:39.279 --> 00:10:43.200 draws from her bag a small biography, Sally Green, resolute Steward. 217 00:10:43.320 --> 00:10:46.840 It's a spine flaking goual. The library sticker is unfamiliar. 218 00:10:46.840 --> 00:10:49.279 The Roe number doesn't match her scheme. Where did you 219 00:10:49.360 --> 00:10:53.720 find this? I ask? She points vaguely toward the northern wall, 220 00:10:54.440 --> 00:10:56.600 nearer the big clock, or maybe past it. I don't 221 00:10:56.679 --> 00:10:59.240 keep strict track. Time moves differently in the fast stacks. 222 00:11:00.000 --> 00:11:02.600 A flip through the book, the pages are soft and 223 00:11:02.600 --> 00:11:05.600 faintly fragrant, utterly alien to a collection. No stamps, no 224 00:11:05.799 --> 00:11:09.559 checkout's lips, no sign of prior circulation. I promise to 225 00:11:09.600 --> 00:11:11.960 return it to its proper home, but privately wonder if 226 00:11:12.000 --> 00:11:14.840 I'll be able to find that home again. In the afternoon, 227 00:11:15.120 --> 00:11:18.759 my drop by, she's entering her senior year at the university, 228 00:11:19.039 --> 00:11:22.320 majoring in linguistics. She comes to the desk, back back, 229 00:11:22.360 --> 00:11:27.120 swinging face framed by tangled curls. Hey mss upton, She grins, 230 00:11:27.799 --> 00:11:31.240 always m mess some habits. Die hard found the language 231 00:11:31.240 --> 00:11:33.799 section where then cyclopedias used to be. Any chance the 232 00:11:33.840 --> 00:11:37.799 layouts changed, I shake my head, No notice. May be 233 00:11:37.799 --> 00:11:41.720 a librarian with creative verges, she laughs. It's like the 234 00:11:41.720 --> 00:11:45.039 building has moods. That night, I lay awake, notebook open 235 00:11:45.080 --> 00:11:48.759 beside my pillow. The list of discrepances grows. Wednesday Poetry 236 00:11:48.799 --> 00:11:52.039 ucof shifts hu shelves. There is dinner by window wider 237 00:11:52.159 --> 00:11:54.960 mystery now next to gardening, I try to recall more 238 00:11:54.960 --> 00:11:58.080 ominous explanations, fatigue, tricks of ate, a little on intention 239 00:11:58.159 --> 00:12:02.360 on nostalgia, but the number of changes multiplies. To test 240 00:12:02.399 --> 00:12:05.559 my sanity, a run an experiment, I return to the 241 00:12:05.559 --> 00:12:08.960 gardening section and measure my steps. Sixteen on Monday twenty six. 242 00:12:09.000 --> 00:12:12.000 On Thursday, the shells themselves seem to breathe in and out, 243 00:12:12.080 --> 00:12:15.639 expanding with quiet and difference to my expectations. The next day, 244 00:12:15.759 --> 00:12:18.399 outside the library, awoke the perimeter circuit from the bakery 245 00:12:18.399 --> 00:12:20.879 to the bus shutter to the rear alley. The building 246 00:12:20.919 --> 00:12:23.840 is square, its shape and change since childhood, windows sunlet 247 00:12:24.039 --> 00:12:28.440 brick and yielding. Back inside, the shufflings continue. Sometimes the 248 00:12:28.480 --> 00:12:31.519 jew labels follow the rules. Other times I find shells 249 00:12:31.600 --> 00:12:35.440 organized by spying color. A publisher, Pete shoving up his sleeves, 250 00:12:35.559 --> 00:12:38.600 crosses libraries and their modern ways, and never saw such 251 00:12:38.639 --> 00:12:41.159 disorder in the old post office. Josie always says, to 252 00:12:41.200 --> 00:12:44.159 read the signs, but they don't match any more. He winks, 253 00:12:44.200 --> 00:12:48.200 half conspiratorial, half wary. But Jocelyn, the twins mother, shrugs, 254 00:12:48.840 --> 00:12:51.000 I just follow the kid's books always end up where 255 00:12:51.000 --> 00:12:54.039 we need them. She seems to mean it. My list 256 00:12:54.080 --> 00:12:57.960 of strangeness grows Nessess Kalin's Spanish book Maya's Wandering Language, Isle, 257 00:12:58.080 --> 00:13:01.440 my fluid step counts, and the shifting cat. I start 258 00:13:01.480 --> 00:13:03.799 to know this a pattern not in placement, but impossibility. 259 00:13:03.879 --> 00:13:06.200 The harder I look, the more thane nudge themselves out 260 00:13:06.240 --> 00:13:09.159 of their expected places. It is if my act of searching, 261 00:13:09.399 --> 00:13:12.440 rather than the rooms themselves, is what causes the transformation. 262 00:13:13.039 --> 00:13:15.679 By the following week, I'm less dismissive and more methodical. 263 00:13:16.240 --> 00:13:18.799 I draw out with pencil and ruler in my notebook notes, 264 00:13:18.840 --> 00:13:22.480 trailing off into the corners Monday clock cost gardening, pass 265 00:13:22.559 --> 00:13:25.919 portray around fiction, exit at large print, I mock breadcrumbs, 266 00:13:25.960 --> 00:13:29.240 take off the shelving order with knee checkwarks. Tuesday, I 267 00:13:29.279 --> 00:13:31.799 retrace my steps, expecting the same route, but at the end, 268 00:13:32.000 --> 00:13:34.480 instead of gardening, I'm staring at a wall of atlases. 269 00:13:34.960 --> 00:13:38.600 The same path Matt precisely yields a different result. I 270 00:13:38.679 --> 00:13:41.559 describe the sensation to Missess Menders, hoping for a pragmatic 271 00:13:41.559 --> 00:13:45.200 word at my age, the sense of spaces. I grope 272 00:13:45.200 --> 00:13:48.399 for the phrase she breaks in smoothing a skirt eno. 273 00:13:48.559 --> 00:13:51.639 Sometimes the library just feels bigger on quiet days. Anyway, 274 00:13:51.720 --> 00:13:53.679 I figure a place this old gets to be moody. 275 00:13:54.279 --> 00:13:57.519 She lifts a stack of withdrawal slips. Purposeful again, as 276 00:13:57.559 --> 00:14:00.039 long as nobody gets lost, for good and fine with moods. 277 00:14:00.720 --> 00:14:02.919 She shrugs, but there is a note of wistfulness in 278 00:14:02.919 --> 00:14:05.559 her voice, a longing to believe in impossibilities more welcome 279 00:14:05.600 --> 00:14:08.840 than true. Determine to ground myself. I try another control. 280 00:14:08.879 --> 00:14:11.120 I make detailed notes on each shelf, call numbers, authors, 281 00:14:11.200 --> 00:14:15.320 running order. By the following week. Every boundary blurs. A 282 00:14:15.360 --> 00:14:18.919 shelf of history book spuds with economics, biographies, brought cookbooks. 283 00:14:19.039 --> 00:14:22.360 Mysteries are peppered with travelogs. Some titles I'm sure I 284 00:14:22.360 --> 00:14:24.759 saw yesterday I vanished, only to return a day later. 285 00:14:25.399 --> 00:14:27.679 Do the books move when I'm not watching? Or am 286 00:14:27.679 --> 00:14:31.039 I simply overlaying my own expectations on an old adaptable space. 287 00:14:31.759 --> 00:14:34.519 One Thursday, guided by passing whim, I decide to search 288 00:14:34.559 --> 00:14:36.240 for a book I have never checked out before, a 289 00:14:36.320 --> 00:14:39.440 slim volume called Ferens of the Northern Lakes. The journey 290 00:14:39.440 --> 00:14:41.679 takes nearly three times as long as the usual path. 291 00:14:42.240 --> 00:14:44.879 I veer into off she corridors I've never consciously noticed, 292 00:14:44.879 --> 00:14:47.360 but route twisting until the sunlit window is far behind. 293 00:14:47.919 --> 00:14:51.159 When I arrive, breathless, the shelf is marked Cooking International, 294 00:14:51.240 --> 00:14:54.360 and not as I had anticipated, a gardening. My feed ache, 295 00:14:54.440 --> 00:14:57.720 my sense of direction dissolves. I retrace my steps and 296 00:14:57.759 --> 00:15:00.720 emerge somehow by the reference desk, where mister Blend, a 297 00:15:00.759 --> 00:15:04.279 substitute librarian, is laughing with the twins. It's a macy day, 298 00:15:05.000 --> 00:15:08.480 Lee exclaims, brandishing a battered dinosaur book. I feel the 299 00:15:08.519 --> 00:15:12.200 last of my tidy explanation slip away. This isn't misremembrance, 300 00:15:12.320 --> 00:15:15.600 not really, not for me, not any more. The library 301 00:15:15.600 --> 00:15:19.799 interior is alive in a subtle, unthreatening way, expanding resisting definition. 302 00:15:20.320 --> 00:15:23.279 Not chaos, but a kind of responsive camouflage. It is 303 00:15:23.360 --> 00:15:25.879 late one where Ney Tuesday, when, while reshelving in what 304 00:15:25.960 --> 00:15:27.840 I have come to call the farthest row, I reach 305 00:15:27.919 --> 00:15:30.600 past a stack of dusty atlases and cover something strange 306 00:15:30.639 --> 00:15:33.879 wedge behind a shelf. It's a slim batted note Boukhan's 307 00:15:33.919 --> 00:15:37.000 eyes bound with old fashioned thread. My heart crickens as 308 00:15:37.000 --> 00:15:39.559 I open it. The first page shows a crewe map, 309 00:15:39.679 --> 00:15:42.840 half penciled, snaking through what looks like a labyrinth of isles. 310 00:15:43.360 --> 00:15:46.519 Some are labeled and known, others simply new. Margins are 311 00:15:46.519 --> 00:15:49.799 thick with scribbles. The magazine cave j O nineteen ninety 312 00:15:49.840 --> 00:15:52.320 eight door with no ki e m. Two thousand and six. 313 00:15:53.039 --> 00:15:55.639 It's marked with entries in at least three separate hands, 314 00:15:55.960 --> 00:15:58.679 some careful, others are raised a moudrawn. There is a 315 00:15:58.720 --> 00:16:02.440 crue tally shelving chain sep. Twenty eleven. History Beside Gardening 316 00:16:02.559 --> 00:16:05.559 are twenty eleven, f Far Corridor decked twenty fourteen, lost 317 00:16:05.600 --> 00:16:08.840 room again, flipping further, a fine dated Courtward's rook of 318 00:16:08.879 --> 00:16:12.080 Foster's little Diagrum's tip of question marks and a short 319 00:16:12.159 --> 00:16:15.039 baffling note the long corridor doubled in length, Pete concurred, 320 00:16:15.080 --> 00:16:18.759 massesque disagreed. Each page is both a witness and an argument, 321 00:16:18.840 --> 00:16:23.440 no clear answers, but a persistent record of confusion and curiosity. Stunned, 322 00:16:23.480 --> 00:16:26.360 I scanned the nearby shells for more art facts. On 323 00:16:26.399 --> 00:16:29.000 the return book's cart, I find another oddity, a scrap 324 00:16:29.039 --> 00:16:31.639 of graph paper bearing a diagram of the central stacks, 325 00:16:31.679 --> 00:16:34.919 annotated with arrows and cryptic instructions. Double back after poetry 326 00:16:34.960 --> 00:16:38.279 skip large print for art books tap beneath a magazine, 327 00:16:38.320 --> 00:16:40.840 the polaroid. A shadowy room, higher ceiling than any I know. 328 00:16:40.919 --> 00:16:43.840 In this building, its wall lined, which shells labeled stories lost. 329 00:16:44.360 --> 00:16:47.919 The scrull beneath is ragged, almost wistful. At closing time, 330 00:16:48.000 --> 00:16:50.759 I gather the courage to quietly canvas staff for their reactions, 331 00:16:51.440 --> 00:16:55.279 misses Mende's eyes the notebook litzpurse, but faintly amused. Oh 332 00:16:55.360 --> 00:16:58.399 those old games, She says, I saw Pete scribbling in 333 00:16:58.480 --> 00:17:00.440 something years ago. We used to keep a ghost look 334 00:17:00.440 --> 00:17:02.679 a kind of staff joke. I never had the patience. 335 00:17:03.320 --> 00:17:05.640 Pete catching side of the notebook gets a spark of 336 00:17:05.720 --> 00:17:09.200 childlike mischief. Wonder if someone turned that up, he says. 337 00:17:09.880 --> 00:17:11.880 Back in my day, you'd take a wrong turn after 338 00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:14.279 large print and swear you'd goro state lines. We always 339 00:17:14.319 --> 00:17:17.240 suspected the place hit a little more than it showed. Maya, 340 00:17:17.279 --> 00:17:20.960 hearing the tale, is instantly captivated. She plucks the notebook 341 00:17:20.960 --> 00:17:24.200 from my hands, fingers tracing the rough threat. This is gold, 342 00:17:24.400 --> 00:17:27.559 she breathes. We ought to document this map. The changes 343 00:17:28.160 --> 00:17:31.599 throughout the week top bubble subtly among patrons. Some treat 344 00:17:31.599 --> 00:17:34.119 the shifting geometry as inside a humor. Others speak in 345 00:17:34.160 --> 00:17:37.400 earnest as if the building contains regions as distinct as neighborhoods, 346 00:17:37.400 --> 00:17:40.400 though FoST axe as distant as another zip code. Younger 347 00:17:40.480 --> 00:17:43.039 volunteers start sharing stories of long details and hard to 348 00:17:43.079 --> 00:17:46.440 find reference sections, always uttered with a wink or nervous laugh. 349 00:17:47.119 --> 00:17:50.200 But not everyone is so quick to believe. Jocelyn, hearing 350 00:17:50.240 --> 00:17:54.119 about the notebook, simply shrugs, it's building, buildings, move, memory, slip, 351 00:17:54.160 --> 00:17:58.160 It's nothing. Pete disagrees. There are more things in libraries. 352 00:17:58.279 --> 00:18:01.200 Horatioed He says, misquoting shit makespa with the grundiosity of 353 00:18:01.200 --> 00:18:04.279 a man who spent a lifetime tracking loss, puscels. The 354 00:18:04.319 --> 00:18:06.240 fragments swell in my mind as I try to pass 355 00:18:06.279 --> 00:18:09.440 a patent, faulty memory, collective illusion, or something stranger stitch 356 00:18:09.480 --> 00:18:12.599 into the floorboards. As I leave that week, the sun 357 00:18:12.720 --> 00:18:14.559 just beginning to set, I pulled the notebook from my 358 00:18:14.599 --> 00:18:17.319 pocket for a final look. On the second last page 359 00:18:17.319 --> 00:18:19.640 appears what seems to be a legend, the vanished storage 360 00:18:19.680 --> 00:18:22.039 room where all lost things gather found by following what 361 00:18:22.119 --> 00:18:24.720 you wish was never lost. For the first time since 362 00:18:24.759 --> 00:18:28.279 my little investigation began, my curiosity shoppens into something less 363 00:18:28.319 --> 00:18:32.079 like idle speculation and more alike intent. The stakes have shifted. 364 00:18:32.720 --> 00:18:35.400 Whatever is happening in this building is layered communali. Now 365 00:18:35.480 --> 00:18:38.799 it feels like an imitation. Tomorrow, I decide I will 366 00:18:38.799 --> 00:18:42.039 not simply track discrepancies. I will search for the Venice 367 00:18:42.079 --> 00:18:44.599 storage room and see if this more quietly impossible world 368 00:18:44.720 --> 00:18:47.720 is willing to reveal itself. I select the Warn notebook 369 00:18:47.759 --> 00:18:50.359 into my campus bag, conscious of its slight weight, smoldering 370 00:18:50.359 --> 00:18:52.960 against my palm, like the beginning of a secret. The 371 00:18:53.000 --> 00:18:55.359 final note about the vanished storage room proved my attention. 372 00:18:55.480 --> 00:18:58.559 Again and again. Were all lost things gather found by 373 00:18:58.559 --> 00:19:01.559 following what you wish was never long? I didn't sleep 374 00:19:01.599 --> 00:19:04.319 much that night. My old habits from teaching, the lant 375 00:19:04.319 --> 00:19:07.359 and glow of my mind working came alive. Laying in bed, 376 00:19:07.440 --> 00:19:10.680 I requainted myself with patterns and loopholes, running over every 377 00:19:10.680 --> 00:19:14.440 off kilter shelving, every spontaneous car door. I started making 378 00:19:14.480 --> 00:19:17.200 this in my head. What did I wish was never lost? 379 00:19:17.839 --> 00:19:20.799 Whole careers, stray socks, beloved peoples. The one necklace my 380 00:19:20.839 --> 00:19:23.119 mother gave me that never turned abuff her last Christmas, 381 00:19:23.799 --> 00:19:26.559 A silly question, perhaps, but in this place, maybe not 382 00:19:26.640 --> 00:19:29.680 so silly. When morning came, I called Maya and Pete, 383 00:19:29.759 --> 00:19:32.519 asking if they'd meet me before the library opened. I 384 00:19:32.559 --> 00:19:34.279 could feel a new tension to my voice, like I 385 00:19:34.359 --> 00:19:36.200 was describing a break in the weather or a surprise 386 00:19:36.240 --> 00:19:39.759 inspection back in my teaching days. They both agreed, Pete 387 00:19:39.759 --> 00:19:42.079 offering only a better bring my old walking shoes, and 388 00:19:42.279 --> 00:19:45.559 Meyer a clepti'man, what are we looking for? First? Ten 389 00:19:45.599 --> 00:19:47.839 minutes after eight, the light's just warming. The three of 390 00:19:47.920 --> 00:19:50.759 us slipped and through the staff door. Missess Mendez was 391 00:19:50.799 --> 00:19:53.079 due at nine. For the moment, the only witnesses, with 392 00:19:53.160 --> 00:19:54.920 a faint hum of the radiators and a tumble of 393 00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:58.400 light falling across the checkout counter. I began by unrolling 394 00:19:58.400 --> 00:20:00.799 the notebook on a study Carol, tapping my finger carefully 395 00:20:00.799 --> 00:20:03.920 across the spidery diagrams and loops, tracing arrows where other 396 00:20:03.960 --> 00:20:07.039 hands have left cryptic marks. If this legend is true, 397 00:20:07.079 --> 00:20:09.599 the storage room isn't fixed at a peer's where, or perhaps 398 00:20:09.599 --> 00:20:13.240 when someone's longing poles hard enough. I felt exposed putting 399 00:20:13.240 --> 00:20:15.000 it that way, as though saying it loud might break 400 00:20:15.000 --> 00:20:18.039 the spell. But neither Pete, nor Maya looked away. Maya 401 00:20:18.319 --> 00:20:20.400