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Speaker 1: Bertie's Christmas Eve by Sarki. It was Christmas Eve, and

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the family circle of Luke Stephink Esquire was a glow

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with the amiability and random mirth which the occasion demanded.

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A long and lavish dinner had been partaken of, weights

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had been round and sung carols. The house party had

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regaled itself with more caroling on its own account, and

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there had been romping, which even in a pulpit reference

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could not have been condemned as ragging. In the midst

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of the general glow, however, there was one black, unkindled cinder.

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Bertie Stephink, nephew of the aforementioned Luke, had early in

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life adopted the profession of ne'er do well. His father

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had been something of the kind before him. At the

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age of eighteen, Bertie had commenced that round of visit

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to our colonial possessions, so seemly and desirable in the

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case of a prince of the blood, so suggestive of

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insincerity in a young man of the middle class. He

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had gone to grow tea in Ceylon and fruit in

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British Columbia, and to help sheep to grow wool in Australia.

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At the age of twenty. He had just returned from

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some similar errand in Canada, from which it may be

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gathered that the trial he gave to these various experiments

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was of the summary drumhead nature. Luke Stepphink, who fulfilled

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the troubled role of guardian and deputy parent to Bertie,

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deplored the persistent manifestation of the homing instinct on his

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nephew's part, and his solemn thanks earlier in the day

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for the blessing of reporting a united family had no

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reference to bertie return. Arrangements had been promptly made for

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packing the youth off to a distant corner of Rhodesia.

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Whence return would be a difficult matter. The journey to

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this uninviting destination was imminent. In fact, a more careful

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and willing traveler would have already begun to think about

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his packing. Hence, Bertie was in no mood to share

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in the festive spirit which displayed itself around him, and

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resentment smoldered within him at the eager, self absorbed discussion

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of social plans for the coming months, which he heard

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on all sides. Beyond depressing his uncle and the family

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circle generally by singing say au revoir and not good bye.

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He had taken no part in the evening's conviviality. Eleven

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o'clock had struck some half hour ago, and the elder

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Stephink's began to throw out suggestions leading up to that process,

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which they called retiring for the night. Come tell me

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it's time you were in your little bed, you know,

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said Luke Stephfink to his thirteen year old son. That's

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where we all ought to be, said missus Stepfhink. Now

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wouldn't be room, said Bertie. The remark was considered to

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border on the scandalous. Everybody ate raisins and almonds with

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the nervous industry of sheep feeding during threatening weather in Russia.

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Said Horace Bordenby, who was staying in the house as

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a Christmas guest. I've read that the peasants believe that

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if you go into a cow house or stable at

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midnight on Christmas Eve, you will hear the animals talk.

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They're supposed to have the gift of speech at that

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one moment of the Oh do let all go down

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to the cow house and listen to what they've got

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to say? Exclaimed Beryl to whom anything was thrilling and

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amusing if you did it in a troupe. Missus Stephink

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made a laughing protest, but gave a virtual consent by

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saying we must all wrap up well. Then the idea

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seemed a scatter brained one to her, and almost heathenish,

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but it afforded an opportunity for throwing the young people together,

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and as such she welcomed it. Mister Horace Bordenby was

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a young man with quite substantial prospects, and he had

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danced with Beryl at a local subscription ball a sufficient

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number of times to warrant the authorized inquiry on the

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part of the neighbors whether there was anything in it.

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Though Missus Stephink would not have put it in semin

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many words, she shared the idea of the Russian peasantry

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that on this night the beast might speak. The cow

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house stood at the junction of the garden with a

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small paddock, an isolated survival in a suburban neighborhood of

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what had once been a small farm. Luke Stepphink was

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complacently proud of his cow house and his two cows.

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He felt that they gave him a stamp of solidity

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which no number of Wyandots or Orpington's could impart. They

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even seemed to link him in a sort of inconsequent

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way with those patriarchs who derived importance from their floating

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capital of flocks and herds, heasses and chiasses. It had

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been an anxious and momentous occasion when he had had

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to decide definitely between the buyer and the ranch for

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the naming of his villa residence. A December midnight was

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hardly the moment he would have chosen for showing his

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farm building to visitors. But since it was a fine

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night and the young people were anxious for an excuse

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for a mild frolic, Luke consented to chaperone the expedition.

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The servants had long since gone to bed, so the

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house was left in charge of Bertie, who scornfully declined

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to stir out on the pretext of listening to bovine conversation.

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We must go quietly, said Luke as he headed the

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procession of giggling young folk, brought up in the rear

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by the showled and hooded figure of Missus Stephink. I

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have always laid stress on keeping this a quiet and

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orderly neighborhood. It was a few minutes to midnight when

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the party reached the car house and made its way

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in by the light of liane stable lantern. For a

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moment everyone stood in silence, almost with the feeling of

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being in church. Er Daisy, the one lying down is

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by a short horned bull out of a Guernsey cow,

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announced Luke in a hushed voice, which was in keeping

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with the foregoing impression. Is she asked Bordenby, rather as

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if he had expected her to be by Rembrandt. Myrtle

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is Myrtle's family history. Was cut short by a little

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scream from the women of the party. The cow house

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door had closed noiselessly behind them, and the key had

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turned gratingly in the lock. Then they heard Bertie's voice

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pleasantly wishing them good night, and his footsteps retreating along

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the garden path. Luke Stephinks strode to the window. It

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was a small square opening of the old fashioned sort,

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with iron bars let into the stone work. Unlock the door.

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This instant, he shouted, with as much air of menacing

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authority as a hen might assume when screaming through the

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bars of a coup at a marauding hawk. In reply

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to his summons, the hall door closed with a defiant bang.

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A neighboring clock struck the hour of midnight. If the

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cows had received the gift of human speech at that moment,

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they would not have been able to make themselves heard.

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Seven or eight other voices were engaged in describing Bertie's

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present conduct and his general character at a high pressure

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of excitement and indignation. In the course of half an

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hour or so, every thing that it was permissible to

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say about Bertie had been said, some dozens of times,

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and other topics began to come to the front, the

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extreme mustiness of the cow house, the possibility of it

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catching fire, and the probability of it being a routen

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house for the vagrant raps of the neighborhood. And still

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no sign of deliverance came to the unwilling vigil keepers.

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Towards one o'clock, the sound of rather boisterous and undisciplined

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carol singing approached rapidly and came to a sudden anchorage,

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apparently just outside the garden gate. A motor load of

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youthful bloods in a high state of conviviality had made

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a temporary halt for repairs. The stoppage, however, did not

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extend to the vocal efforts of the party, and the

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w in the cow shed were treated to a highly

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unauthorized rendering of good King Wence's Lass, in which the

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adjective good appeared to be very carelessly applied. The noise

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had the effect of bringing Bertie out into the garden,

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but he utterly ignored the pale, angry faces peering out

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at the cow house window and concentrated his attention on

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the revelers outside the gate. Wassail you, chaps, he shouted,

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wassail old sport. They shouted back, We jolly well drink

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your health, only we've nothing to drink it. In. Come

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and wassail inside, said Bertie hospitably. I'm all alone and

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there's heaps of wet. They were total strangers, but his

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touch of kindness made them instantly his kin. In another moment,

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the unauthorized version of King wenncessless, which, like many other scandals,

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grew worse on repetition. When echoing up the garden path,

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two of the revelers gave an impromptu performance on the

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way by executing the staircase waltz up the terraces of

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what Luke Steffink hitherto with some justification, called his rock garden.

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The rock part of it was still there when the

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waltz had been accorded its third encore. Luke, more than ever,

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like a cooped hen behind the car house bars, was

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in a position to realize the feelings of concert goers

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unable to countermand the call for an encore which they

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neither desire nor deserve. The hall door closed with a

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bang on Bertie's guests, and the sounds of merriment became

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faint and muffled to the weary watchers at the other

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end of the garden present, two ominous pops in quick

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succession made themselves distinctly heard. They've got it the Champagne,

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exclaimed Missus Stepfink. Perhaps it's the sparkling Moselle, said Luke.

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Hopefully three or four more pops were heard, the Champagne,

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and the sparkling Moselle, said Missus Stepphink. Luke uncorked an expletive, which,

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like brandy in a temperance household, was only used on

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rare emergencies. Mister Horace Bordenby had been making use of

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similar expressions under his breath for a considerable time past.

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The experiment of throwing the young people together had been

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prolonged beyond a point when it was likely to produce

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any romantic result. Some forty minutes later, the hall door

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opened and disgorged a crowd that had thrown off any

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restraint of shyness that might have influenced its earlier actions.

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Its vocal efforts in the direction of carol singing were

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now supplemented by instrumental music. A Christmas she that had

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been prepared for the children of the gardener and other

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household retainers had yielded a rich spoil of tin trumpets,

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rattles and drums. The life story of King Wenceslas had

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been dropped. Luke was thankful to notice, but it was

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intensely irritating for the chilled prisoners in the cow house

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to be told that it was a hot time in

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the old town to night, together with some accurate but

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entirely superfluous information as to the imminence of Christmas morning.

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Judging by the protests which began to be shouted from

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the upper windows of neighboring houses. The sentiments prevailing in

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the cow house were heartily echoed in other quarters. The

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revelers found their car, and, what was more remarkable, managed

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to drive off in it. With a parting fanfare of

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tin trumpets. The lively beat of a drum disclosed the

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fact that the master of the revels remained on the scene.

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Bety came in an angry, imploring chorus of shouts and

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screams from the cow house window. Hello, cried the owner

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of the name, turning his rather errant steps in the

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direction of the summons. Are you people still there? Must

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have heard everything Cow's got to say by this time.

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If you haven't no use waiting, After all, it's a

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Russian legend and Russian Christmas eve not do oh for

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another fortnight? Better come out. After one or two ineffectual attempts,

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he managed to pitch the key of the cow house

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door in through the window. Then, lifting his voice in

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the strains of I'm afraid to go home in the

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dark with a lusty drum accompaniment, he led the way

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back to the house. The hurried procession of the release

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that followed in his steps came in for a good

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deal of the adverse comment that his exuberant display had evoked.

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It was the happiest Christmas Eve he had ever spent.

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To quote his own words, he had a rotten Christmas.

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End of Bertie's Christmas Eve by Saki