Speaker 1: Oh, I'm sure one day miss Duffy will have a
nice prince, or at least be able to settle on
a nice frog. However, that's the end of today's wonderful
episode of Duffy's Tavern. Well, we oftentimes have a not
an ad shout out. Today is a special episode, so
we figured it may be best to indulge ourselves a
little and bring up all the wonderful shows currently under
production and maybe hint at some of the stuff for
the future. Currently, Sam Rossi and her brother AJ Carey
break down popular and unpopular serial killers in fifteen minutes
or less, and sometimes a smidge more on the almost
informative Criminally Silly True Crimes podcast Killing fifteen Minutes. Speaking
of aj Carey has been bringing his love of comics
to the RSRS studios with audio remix of his full
comic retrospectives over on Reader's History of Comics, as well
as a revival of his First Issues review show First
Issues Now, which is also on its own channel. For
the future, Well, there's a couple of Killing fifteen Minute
spinoffs in the works, because sometimes having a stoner write
a summary can just be fun. The big secret projects
of next year is that Retrostatic Radio will be changing
a little bit. There will be a name change to
reflect Retrostatic Studios rather than Retrostatic Radio on this station. Specifically,
we will continue Retrostatic Radio with Retrostatic Radio Theater twelve
amazing full cast audio adaptations of famous films and stage plays.
Then mostly won't get us sued for making adaptations of
similar to our previous specials as mentioned. Depending on how
this format for this show works, Retrostatic Studio's Comedy Hour
may debut on its own station as well. And then
there's some original stuff we are currently writing out, like
a more modern Duffy's Tavern style show, and Zach Cassidy
is actually plotting out a musical or a love letter
to Voltaire, depending on how you want to look at it. Now,
with all of that to digest, let's cue the marimba
and quickly dash off to our Miss Brooks. Many of
us find it extremely difficult to get up early every morning.
That our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High School,
has been doing it for years.
Speaker 2: Yes, and I've learned one thing about early rising that's
helped me immeasurably. Once I jump out of bed, close
the window, and do my sitting up exercises. There's only
one more thing I want to do, and that's to
get right back in bed again. Last Friday morning, though,
I was up and almost dressed by the time my
landlady knocked on the door. Time to get up, Connie,
I am up, Missus Davis, come in. I'm trying to
get to school early so I can chat with mister
Boyton for a few minutes before our first class. Is
mister Boyton still as unapproachable as ever, Connie? I guess so,
Missus Davis. But you know something, during this past week,
I've gotten closer to him than ever before. Really, dear,
how did you do that? I've been wearing my sneakers
to school. I hope I've got time for breakfast before
Walter Denton comes to pick me up. There's something he
wants to talk to me about before school starts. Well,
he can talk to you at breakfast. Connie, My goodness,
you've got to keep your strength up some way. We
both know you don't get enough sleep. I didn't last night.
Minervas slept in here with me, and she was very restless.
I don't know what's the matter with that cat lately
between you and me, Connie, I think she's got something
between you and me. I think she's got several. Maybe
it's a mistake to let her get so friendly with
the collie next door. They play together all the time,
you know. Oh, so that's the source. Uh huh. Minerva
had me up half the night with her pounding. That's
just her tail beating on the floor while she's hunting.
I don't mind her tail thumping so much, but every
time she catches something with one paw, she applauds with
the other three. Suppose we join Minerva in the breakfast nook.
I've just given her some milk. Fine, I'll have a
saucerful too. Sit right down, dear. I'll boil you a
couple of eggs. Just one egg will be plenty, Missus Davis.
That must be Walter. Now, just six eggs will be plenty,
Missus Davis. The door is unlocked. Come in, Walter.
Speaker 1: Oh hi, you're miss Brooks. Hi, missus Davis.
Speaker 2: Hello Walter, how do you want your eggs? Walter?
Speaker 1: Quickly? Please?
Speaker 2: You haven't had breakfast yet?
Speaker 1: Oh sure, but it's seven thirty almost and we'd an
awful early breakfast in my place?
Speaker 2: How early quarter two seven? I don't know how you
haven't perished already. I'll go whip up a nonlib for
all of us, then.
Speaker 1: Miss Brooks, I'd like to ask you something.
Speaker 2: What about Walter?
Speaker 1: Well, as you know, Halloween is usually celebrated tomorrow night, Saturday,
but Harriet Conklin is going up to a folks bungalow
over at Crystal Lake for the weekend. So we wondered
if we could, if it'd be all right with you,
that is, I mean, if you know we could celebrate
the holiday.
Speaker 2: Tonight, why come to me? Shouldn't you contact the Goblins Union.
Speaker 1: Well, we sort of wanted to, you know, maybe have
a little party, you know, Harriet and my Palace Stretch
Nodgrass and I Er Well, we were planning on inviting
you too.
Speaker 2: Oh where were you planning on holiness party? Walter?
Speaker 1: Well, at your place?
Speaker 2: How nice of you to invite me as long. But
I'm afraid we couldn't have any Halloween party here, Walter.
After all, I don't own this cottage. I just rent
a room for missus Davis.
Speaker 1: Oh, we already got her permission. She's going to the
movies tonight, Harriet asked her on the phone yesterday. It's
just up to you, Miss Brooks.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm afraid I'm not interested in Halloween parties, Walter.
I've got quite a bit of work to catch up on,
and tonight looks like an ideal time to do it. Sorry,
but you'll have to hold your party someplace else.
Speaker 1: Oh gee, Miss Brooks, Harriet and Stretch will be awfully disappointed,
and so will mister Boyton.
Speaker 2: Mister Yeah.
Speaker 1: I was talking with him yesterday and he was saying
what swell Funny always thought Halloween was when he was
a kid. So we invited him to the party, and
you know he accepted. But now there's no place to
have the party.
Speaker 2: What's wrong with having the party right here?
Speaker 1: Hello, Principal's office, Osgood. Conklin himself speaking.
Speaker 2: Hello, Osgood. It's me Martha.
Speaker 1: We've been married eighteen years. Woman, I know your name.
Speaker 2: Do not try to be so testy. Do you realize
you left home this morning without Ethan saying goodbye?
Speaker 1: Well, that's easily remedied. Goodbye.
Speaker 2: Wait, os Goood, I just called to remind you about
your doctor's appointment this morning. He said he wanted to
see you before we go to Crystal Lake tomorrow.
Speaker 1: Yes, I am well aware of that fact. I've had
plenty of time to think about it during the sleepless
hours I spent listening to your dog thumping its tail
at the foot of our bed all night.
Speaker 2: But Prince was so lonesome, Dear, After all we've got
each other, he's all alone.
Speaker 1: Well, he wasn't alone all night. I never heard such
a scratching in all my born days. What's he got anyways?
Speaker 2: Well, he can't possibly have anything, dear. You know he
doesn't play with other dogs. In fact, he would have
died of loneliness last week if I hadn't taken him
over to missus Davis's to play with her cat Minerva.
Speaker 1: Well you've got to keep him away from me. My
blood pressure is higher than it's been in years. To
make my morning complete, When I bent down to tie
my shoelaces, my glasses fell off.
Speaker 2: Did dy break?
Speaker 1: No? No, they didn't break, not until I straightened up
and stepped on them.
Speaker 2: And a couple of days will be a crystal that'll
make a new man out of you. Now go down
to the doctors and get a nice sedative to take with.
Speaker 1: You very well, Martha. It's a good thing that I
have an extra pair of glasses with me, or I
couldn't find my way to the door.
Speaker 2: Now, whatever you do, osgood, don't break those.
Speaker 1: Yes, thank you, my dear. I think that's sterling advice.
Now goodbye. It's later than I thought. I'd better hurry.
Speaker 2: So you see, Walter, we all meet in the cafeteriat lunchtime.
We can make the plans to Oh.
Speaker 1: I'm going to turn around and it is going to
be yes, hello, missus Brooks.
Speaker 2: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, mister Conklin. I didn't see you coming. Oh, dear,
I seem to have broken your glasses. Do you have
another pair?
Speaker 1: No, miss Brooks, I haven't. But perhaps I could get
you a long stick and let you smash the windows
in my office. You seem to be in quite a hurry,
mister Conklin, could I, uh maybe take you somewhere? And
just who is talking? It's me Walter Denton, your daughter
Harriet's dream boat. I'll talk to you later, Miss Brooks.
Denton pick up that shattered glass, yes, sir, right away, sir?
And what should I do with it? Mister Conklin, eat it,
you lame brain dunce. Hey, mister Conklin sure is in
a bad mood today. He looked pretty purple, didn't he.
Speaker 2: Even for him? He certainly is excitable. Hi Walter, Oh hello,
Miss Brooks. Hi, Hello, Harriet. Did you run into Daddy
yet this morning? It's in the hands of the insurance
company now.
Speaker 1: His temp is pretty miserable today.
Speaker 2: Yes, I know, poor daddy. He's been depressed all week long.
I don't know what it is. We all try to
please him. What he needs is some recreation and diversion. Say,
I have an idea.
Speaker 1: What is it, Miss Brooks.
Speaker 2: Well, instead of my place tonight, why don't we have
our Halloween party at your house, Harriet. That way we
could surprise your father and cheer him up a little bit.
Speaker 1: Wonderful, Miss Brooks, you've done it again.
Speaker 2: Anxious as I was to get back into mister Conklin's
good graces, I determined to make the Halloween party Friday
night a roaring success. I had asked the kids to
meet me in the school cafeteria at lunchtime, and the
first one to show up was Madison's star athlete, Stretch Snodgrass.
Although a whiz on the football field. Stretches outstanding scholastic
achievement occurred during a test last week when he spelled
his name correctly. I was having a cup of coffee
when he approached my table.
Speaker 3: Here I am, miss Brooks. Mind if I sit down?
Speaker 2: Not at all? Stretch, But wouldn't you like to bring
some food over before we discussed the party?
Speaker 3: Oh no, ma'am already Eh.
Speaker 2: Please stretch, I've already eaten.
Speaker 3: Oh good, Then we can get right down to business.
Walter said he thought we ought to masquerade is something tonight?
Speaker 2: That's a fine idea, Stretch. You could come as a student.
Speaker 3: I already got my outfit all set, Miss Brooks. I
got some chaps and spurs and two six shooters that
shoot real blanks. I'm coming as hop Along Cassidy. That
is if nobody minds.
Speaker 2: Why should anybody mind? Unless Roy Rogers shows up?
Speaker 3: What are you gonna masquerade as? Miss Brooks?
Speaker 2: Oh? I haven't made up my mind? Jet stretch. Of course,
every good Halloween party should have a witch. Yes, I
might come as a witch. Perfect, don't sound so enthusiastic.
It's pretty short notice to get a costume made. And
I what Why.
Speaker 3: Go to all that trouble? Why don't you just wear
what you got on?
Speaker 2: Big as he is, I'll have to slug him. Now. Look, stretch, I.
Speaker 1: I a Miss Brooks, high stretch. Look things are surely
shaping up. Look at these swell noisemakers I bought this morning?
Speaker 3: Where did you find time to get all this chunk? Walter?
Speaker 1: I you know I may. I mean, I just snuck
out of one of my morning classes.
Speaker 2: Walter, you didn't.
Speaker 1: Well it was important, Miss Brooks. Besides, there's no harm done.
Nobody even noticed I was gone.
Speaker 2: That's what I like, a nice observant teacher.
Speaker 1: Oh, it wasn't the teacher's fault. You were facing the
blackboard the entire time. Look at this horn, Walter.
Speaker 2: We were in the cafeteria, and one more blast like
that and the beef stew will pull over to the right. Now,
tell me, how are you going to the masquerade?
Speaker 1: Okay, I got a terrific idea, Miss Brooks. I'm just
gonna put on an old sheet. You think mister Conklin
will get a kick out of seeing me as a ghost.
Speaker 2: If he thought it was on the level, it would
add ten years to his life.
Speaker 1: Well, what are you coming as, Miss Brooks?
Speaker 2: Oh, I haven't quite decided yet. Any suggestions, Oh, just one.
Speaker 1: I don't want you to think I'm being fresh or anything,
but this is gonna be a Halloween party. And U well,
i'd be glad to furnish you with a broom.
Speaker 2: I guess I'm a natural.
Speaker 3: Hey, look who's coming over?
Speaker 1: Oh it's mister Boyton. Hi, mister Boyton.
Speaker 3: Hello Walter II A mister Boyton.
Speaker 1: Hello, Stretch, and hello Miss Brooks.
Speaker 2: Hello, mister Boyton. Uh, goodbye Stretch, goodbye Walter.
Speaker 3: We ain't going nowhere, Stretch.
Speaker 1: Don't you know the expression two's a company, three's a crowd.
Speaker 3: Well, sure I do. But there's four of us here.
Speaker 1: Now, come on, Stretch. We gotta help Harry figure out
a costume for the night. See alaa folks.
Speaker 3: Uh yeah, see I guess.
Speaker 1: Oh so long boys. Well, Miss Brooks, I think it's
a splendid idea. You're giving a little surprise party for
our principal tonight. You should do him a world of good.
Speaker 2: It should do us a world of good too, if
he brightens up a bit. What kind of an outfa
do you think you'll wear? Mister Boyton.
Speaker 1: Oh, I've got a skeleton costume at home. I used
to have quite a bit of fun with in my
college days. It's just a black type fitting garment with
a bunch of bones hanging off of it.
Speaker 2: Bones.
Speaker 1: Yes, they were treated with a phosphorescent paint that made
them glow in the dark. It's quite a startling effect,
the more so since I gathered the bones when I
was an anatomy student.
Speaker 2: From anyone we know, Oh, I.
Speaker 1: Don't mean to dwell on it, miss Brooks, but I
find bones are a rather fascinating subject, don't you.
Speaker 2: That depends on what they're wrapped up in.
Speaker 1: How about you? How are you masquerading tonight?
Speaker 2: Oh? I don't know. If you're coming as a skeleton,
maybe I'll come as a bottle of vitamins. I'm really
a little stumped, mister Boyton. What do you think I
should be?
Speaker 1: Well, the two most popular figures associated with Halloween are
a black cat and a witch.
Speaker 2: And I'm much too tall for a cat. Walter, Oh, Walter, Yes,
Miss Books, get a loop job on that broom boy.
Constance Brooks rides to.
Speaker 1: I'm glad we're going away in the morning. Martha, Doctor
Benson told me that I'm very close to a breaking point. Yes, dear,
he said, some of my trouble was caused by my
blood pressure, but that part of it was due to
an overactive imagination. He wants me to be calm, relax more.
I'd like to see him relax without recurring dream I've had.
Speaker 2: You mean, the one where the ghost visits you at night.
Speaker 1: Yeah, only the last couple of times it's gotten worse.
Instead of a plain ghost, I've been getting one with
Walter Denton's head on.
Speaker 2: It really os good. I just don't know what she've
got against that poor boy. Harriet's very fond of him.
Speaker 1: Then she should see a doctor too. Where is she.
Speaker 2: Martha, Well, she's in her room, dear, getting dressed. She
said something about a party tonight.
Speaker 1: That's all the kids nowadays think about. Well, there won't
be any party at Crystal Lake. There won't be any
nightmares either. Why, Martha, do you realize that while I
was sitting in the doctor's office today, I saw a
bulldog by his desk, A bulldog, and you want to
know what it was the shadow of his umbrella stand.
I almost jumped out of my skin before he explained
it to me.
Speaker 2: Oh, things like that happen to people every day as
good not to me.
Speaker 1: They don't, at least they'd better not. How do you
think the Board of Education would like it if they
thought one of their principles went around seeing bulldogs?
Speaker 2: Just don't mention it to anyone.
Speaker 3: Dull.
Speaker 2: Now, I'm going to get a glass of warm milk,
and you stay right comfy in your chair until I
get back.
Speaker 1: Uh, very well, Yeah, that thing looked like a bulldog.
Martha's right. I better not mention it to a soul. Now,
who in the world can that be?
Speaker 2: Good? Evening? Mister Conklin. May I come in?
Speaker 1: There is no tactful way that I can refuse your admission,
is there? All right? Come in, Miss Brooks.
Speaker 2: Have the others arrived yet?
Speaker 1: Others?
Speaker 2: What others you'll see when they get here? Is Harriet home?
Speaker 1: Yes? Yes, she's putting on her party dress.
Speaker 2: Oh, then you know about it. It should do you
a lot of good, mister Conklin. There's nothing like a
house full of people to get your mind off of yourself.
Speaker 1: A house full of people, Miss Brooks. Is this party
going to be in this house?
Speaker 2: Of course?
Speaker 1: Oh? I see then if you'll excuse me, I'm just
going to take my hat and my coat and beat
an orderly retreat. But mister Conklin, my doctor has forbidden
any excitement whatsoever, Miss Brooks, your.
Speaker 2: Doctor, this is a fine time to tell me. I mean,
I didn't know you were in such bad shape, mister Conklin.
Speaker 1: I'm on the verge of a nervous collapse, Miss Brooks.
But I don't want to spoil everybody's fun. I will leave,
quietly leave.
Speaker 2: But mister Conklin, where will you go?
Speaker 1: What's the difference where I go? I'll just wander around
the park like a homeless hippie.
Speaker 2: You can't do that. You wouldn't look good at earrings.
You are not a well man, mister Conklin. Look, missus
Davis is going to the movies tonight. Now, why don't
you let me drive you over to our place until
I can eliminate the horde of pess or guests who
are coming here. You'll love it over there, mister Conklin.
You'll be able to relax completely.
Speaker 1: If it will stave off my breakdown, Miss Brooks, it'll
be the least I can do for my family.
Speaker 2: Miss Brooks left right after dinner tonight, mister Boyton, I
guess she forgot to buy a few items for the
party tonight. I'm sure she'll be right back this.
Speaker 1: Way, I surprise will work out even better.
Speaker 3: Surprise, Yes, ma'am, we thought we'd try some of our
Halloween tricks on Miss Brooks before we go over to
mister Conklin's house.
Speaker 2: Oh that's a wonderful idea.
Speaker 1: I hope I didn't scare you in my ghost outfit.
Speaker 2: Oh no, I thought you were the laundry man.
Speaker 1: Well, how do you like my costume, Missus Davis?
Speaker 2: My you've lost weight, haven't you.
Speaker 1: Oh this is just a skeleton suit in honor of Halloween.
Speaker 2: Well, isn't it terrifying? And who's this cowboy with you?
Speaker 3: I'm hop along, Cassidy, Missus Davis, but I'm really stretched,
not grass.
Speaker 2: Well, i'd never have known. Now, if you'll all go
into the house, I'm sure Miss Brooks will be delighted
to see you. I've got to get down to the theater now.
Speaker 1: Oh what movie are you gonna go see tonight? Missus Davis?
Speaker 2: Jolson sings again again again again I saw it last week. Also, Well,
you kids have fun good night.
Speaker 3: What should I do with this bucket of water we're
dunking for apples in Walter.
Speaker 1: Oh, just put it down by the piano stretch. Now,
I'll tell you what we'll do. Okay, before miss Brooks
comes back, let's all hide somewhere so we can really
surprise her. That's a good idea, Walter. No, why don't
you get behind that couch a stretch. You hide behind
the kitchen door, and I'll get into the hall closet. Great,
and we'll come out when I blow this whistle.
Speaker 3: Okay, I got you, Walter. Hey, look out the window.
Miss Brooks is coming up the walk and she's mister
Conklin with her.
Speaker 1: Mister Conklin. Oh, she probably wanted to get him out
of the way while we were getting things ready at
his place. Oh, so much the better. We'll surprise both
of them at the same time. Okay, Okay, shut the
lights off and everybody get into position.
Speaker 2: Well, here we are, mister Conklin. I guess missus Davis
has left for the movies. The lights are all out.
Speaker 1: Well, it does seem quite deserted in here.
Speaker 2: I'll turn on this hall light so you can see
to hang your things. Up in the closet. I'll turn
some lights on in the living room while you put
your hat and coat away.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Miss Brooks. Truly what Miss Brooks, Miss Brooks,
Miss Brooks, your closet in the hall? What do you
keep in there?
Speaker 2: What is it, mister Conklin.
Speaker 1: What's the trouble your closet in the hall? What do
you keep in there?
Speaker 2: Just my coat, mister Conklin, I see.
Speaker 1: I see, Okay, okay, yeah, tell me, Miss Brooks. Is
it a long black coat with luminous bones?
Speaker 2: Luminous bones? Oh no, please wait right here, mister Conklin.
I'll investigate.
Speaker 1: Hey, it's me, Miss Brooks. You should have seen mister
Conklin's face when.
Speaker 2: He kept behind those other coats immediately, mister Boyton. But
Miss Brooks can't explain now. But don't you dare come
out of there until you get a signal?
Speaker 1: Well, Miss Brooks, what do you see see?
Speaker 2: I didn't see anything, mister Conklin. It must have been
your imagination, my imagination.
Speaker 1: Then the doctor must be right.
Speaker 2: What's that, mister Conklin.
Speaker 1: I'd rather not talk about it, Miss Brooks. If I
could just lie down somewhere.
Speaker 2: Oh of course, mister Conklin, Just stretch out on this.
I'll go get another cushion for you, all right.
Speaker 1: Thank you? That's better. You know, I must be quite
a sick man. If I weren't sick, then I wouldn't
be moaning like this. On the other hand, it's better
than trying. What am I saying? I'm not moaning. Ivery turn,
I've come back. What's that? Where are you? Look behind you,
behind the cow, behind the couch.
Speaker 2: Oh no, no, are you all right? What happened?
Speaker 1: Miss Brooks? Miss Brooks, how long have I been asleep?
Speaker 2: As you just hit the couch, mister Conklin, Which reminds
me maybe you'd better see a good psychiatrist. This screaming
of yours can lead to something dangerous.
Speaker 1: Just do me a favor, Miss Brooks. Look behind the.
Speaker 2: Couch, certainly, sir, if it'll make you feel any better.
But I assure you there's absolutely nothing behind this couch.
I mean, I'm sorry if I startled you, mister Conklin.
But my cat Minerva's.
Speaker 1: Back here in a sheet.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she was making her bed. Stay out of site, Minerva.
That's a good girl.
Speaker 1: If you don't mind, Miss Brooks, I'd like to take
a couple of pills my doctor prescribed. May have some
water please, If you.
Speaker 2: Happen to have an extra pill or two, i'd be
happy to join you. Wait right here, mister Conklin, I'll
go into the kitchen and get some water. No, on
second thought, you'd better come with me. I don't want
you to get nervous again.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, I think you're right, Miss Brooks. Doesn't do
for me to be alone lately.
Speaker 2: Now where's that light?
Speaker 3: Well, dog my cats? If it ain't round up time?
Speaker 1: What was that?
Speaker 2: What was what?
Speaker 1: Miss Brooks? Do you believe to tell me I actually
have taken leave of my senses?
Speaker 2: Well, it wasn't a real leave, mister Conklin. You're just
on a weekend pass Oh, Lots of people get temporary hallucinations.
Maybe we'd better go back to your house.
Speaker 1: Yes, at a time like this, I suppose I should
be near my loved ones. Happy Halloween, mister Conklin. Look
it's me, Denton. When did you? How did you? What's that?
Speaker 2: Just my coat coming over?
Speaker 1: It's me, mister Conklin. I'm a skeleton. See look at me,
mister Conklin.
Speaker 3: I'm hop along. Cassidy and I'll plug the first holmbraid
that makes them move.
Speaker 1: Snodgrass, I'll no stop that. I must control myself. Hey,
what's wrong, mister Conklin. You don't seem to be enjoying yourself. Yeah,
you acting all jumpy and funny. Gosh, miss Brooks went
to a lot of trouble to get this thing organized, Walter. Please,
Oh miss Brooks organized it? Did she?
Speaker 3: Sure she planned the whole thing, and she.
Speaker 1: Deserves every bit of credit. Oh, she's certainly going to
get it, miss Brooks. Miss Brooks, get your head out
of that bucket. There is no time to be bobbing
for apples.
Speaker 2: Who's dunking for apples? I'm trying to drown myself.