Speaker 1: This is pod Popular podcasts for the people. The Great
Speaker 1: Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, The Great Love Debate.
Speaker 1: It's a Great love b Hi again, everyone is Brian.
Speaker 1: How we welcome to The Great Love Debate, the world's
Speaker 1: number one dating and relationship podcast since twenty and fifteen.
Speaker 1: You ever see a couple and wonder how they can
Speaker 1: be together, or why they stay together, or how they
Speaker 1: ever got together in the first place. You ever see
Speaker 1: those couples? I know, you see those couples and you
Speaker 1: wonder why they don't break up, and you also wonder
Speaker 1: what it is that they that they see in each
Speaker 1: other that keeps them together. I mean, at the end
Speaker 1: of the day, that's their business, and we should all
Speaker 1: probably stay out of it, but out of it because
Speaker 1: who ever knows why people get together or stay together
Speaker 1: in the first place. That's mostly business and we should
Speaker 1: leave it that way. But we do see it, and
Speaker 1: we notice it, and we absolutely wonder about it because
Speaker 1: that's just how we are, whether we see them in
Speaker 1: the street or we watch them on social media. We're
Speaker 1: creatures of curiosity, and we always say curiosity is a
Speaker 1: good thing, but we don't want to bud to deeply
Speaker 1: into people's business. But here's what we don't see, and
Speaker 1: we don't pay nearly much attention to. We don't see
Speaker 1: the ones that could have happened, the ones that should
Speaker 1: have worked out, the ones that have that might have
Speaker 1: stayed together if they had just done one little thing different,
Speaker 1: or if they had overcome one overcomeable obstacle or asked
Speaker 1: one more question or been one bit more open, or
Speaker 1: had one thing go differently. Those are the ones I
Speaker 1: think about, and those are the ones I worry about,
Speaker 1: and those are the ones I want to talk about today.
Speaker 1: The could have beens. There are millions I don't know,
Speaker 1: are there millions, there's billions, I guess. There are billions
Speaker 1: of couples in the world, and so many of those
Speaker 1: really should not be together. We did a whole episode
Speaker 1: on that. Go back and listen to Great Love Debate
Speaker 1: one one fifty nine GLD one fifty nine. It's called
Speaker 1: Laying Down the Law, and it touched on what I
Speaker 1: call the law of twenty percent, which detailed when and
Speaker 1: how and why people who are together should not be
Speaker 1: together any longer. When they hit this formula that I
Speaker 1: came up with, it should be the end of the line.
Speaker 1: It was a very very precise algorithm that said, if
Speaker 1: your relationship is this, you need to do that, which
Speaker 1: is get out of it. And so many people don't
Speaker 1: do that. They stay in bad relationships because they hope
Speaker 1: it will get better, or they're afraid to be alone,
Speaker 1: or because as you've probably heard on our last podcast
Speaker 1: here people admitting that they're together because there's kids involved,
Speaker 1: or for a dozen different reasons, and none of them
Speaker 1: are good. So, if you're still in a shitty relationship
Speaker 1: or if you're in a really shitty relationship right now
Speaker 1: as you listen to this, go back and listen to that,
Speaker 1: and then get out, because you are wasting your life
Speaker 1: with the wrong person. And so many people waste so
Speaker 1: much time just letting bad relationships go on and on
Speaker 1: and on, and they don't focus on the good relationships
Speaker 1: that they should have let go on and on and on.
Speaker 1: So let's talk about the flip side to that. What
Speaker 1: if you're in a relationship or thinking of being in
Speaker 1: a relationship that is really really good, but it isn't
Speaker 1: quite perfect, or it doesn't quite feel the way you
Speaker 1: want it to, or it isn't absolutely how you dreamed
Speaker 1: it could be so ninety five percent or ninety nine
Speaker 1: percent of the time, it's great, but every once in
Speaker 1: a while, no, and that every once in a while
Speaker 1: no freaks you out and has you running for the
Speaker 1: hills because it's not perfect every single moment. And I'm
Speaker 1: not talking about every once in a while where someone
Speaker 1: cheats on someone or throws silverware at them or any
Speaker 1: kind of really bad shit. I'm talking about the kinds
Speaker 1: of relationships where there was just the occasional miscommunication or
Speaker 1: misunderstanding or even conversations that should have happened but didn't
Speaker 1: happen for one reason or another. What about those relationships?
Speaker 1: And I was wondering how many of those are there?
Speaker 1: Because we can't see that, We can't see the ones
Speaker 1: that are possible and don't reach their potential. How many
Speaker 1: of those are there? I'm always hopeful, as you guys know,
Speaker 1: so I think about the relationships that could happen, not
Speaker 1: the ones that never were or shouldn't be. How many
Speaker 1: can be saved or salvaged or improved or can flourish
Speaker 1: with just a little bit of fine tuning if we
Speaker 1: just rub that fine shammy cloth over them just in
Speaker 1: time before the people bail out? How many of those
Speaker 1: are there? So we're talking about matching people up today,
Speaker 1: or how to find boyfriend, or how to where these
Speaker 1: people are, any of the things that we sometimes talk
Speaker 1: about here on the Great Love Debate. Those people are
Speaker 1: right in front of your face, right next to you,
Speaker 1: the person you were with last night or right now,
Speaker 1: the person you think the most about or want to
Speaker 1: be with. What about making the relationship works in a
Speaker 1: way that it should with those people? But the people
Speaker 1: that are right there or just were there or were
Speaker 1: there at some point, what about making it work with
Speaker 1: those people? What if you tinker with that car to
Speaker 1: get all the parts humming so that it doesn't backfire,
Speaker 1: and then when it backfires every so often, it reminds
Speaker 1: you that there's something wrong. What if you fix that
Speaker 1: part of it that led to the backfire and got
Speaker 1: everything running smoothly. Is it fixable? You know, car guys
Speaker 1: can fix shit. Maybe you can fix things too. And
Speaker 1: before you start with now, if I'm in a relationship
Speaker 1: and I have a gut feeling that something's wrong or
Speaker 1: something feels off, you know I need to get out.
Speaker 1: Maybe that's true, but every so often, quite often it's
Speaker 1: not true that gut feeling is wrong, or it can
Speaker 1: be fixed, or it's you being neurotic or overthinking things.
Speaker 1: And what feels off can become on if you just
Speaker 1: take it to a new place or a new environment
Speaker 1: where your confidence in the relationship can actually find life.
Speaker 1: And people focus a lot on the expressing of feelings
Speaker 1: and saying the right things, but sometimes the things we
Speaker 1: worry about don't really matter as much as we think.
Speaker 1: We had a guest on this podcast a few years ago.
Speaker 1: She was on here a few times. I don't want
Speaker 1: to say her name, but she was in a pretty
Speaker 1: steady relationship at the time. But the one thing that
Speaker 1: bothered her was that he never said I love you.
Speaker 1: She imagined and felt that he loved her. She thought
Speaker 1: that he did, but he never said the actual words,
Speaker 1: and she was about to end the relationship because it
Speaker 1: was so frustrating and she didn't understand why. And we
Speaker 1: told her on this podcast, like, just ask him, do
Speaker 1: you love me? So she did and he said, oh,
Speaker 1: my God, of course I do. And so she said,
Speaker 1: how come you never said it? And he said, I
Speaker 1: thought you knew, and I thought I said it and
Speaker 1: expressed it in different ways and they're still together to
Speaker 1: this day and they have a kid because she spoke
Speaker 1: up and she asked a question and they had a
Speaker 1: conversation and their whole relationship went to another place because
Speaker 1: of those three words that did or did not exist.
Speaker 1: Those three words mattered to her. She was really ready
Speaker 1: to break up and pull the parachute because it was
Speaker 1: so mind boggling and a little bit painful to her
Speaker 1: that he just didn't say it the way she needed
Speaker 1: to hear it. Those three words matter to her. They
Speaker 1: matter less to me because I've had you know, girls,
Speaker 1: women whatever, look me dead in the eye and tell
Speaker 1: me they loved me, and they didn't mean it. I
Speaker 1: think they were just saying it because they like hearing it,
Speaker 1: I would sound, or just checking my reaction or thought
Speaker 1: it was something I wanted to hear. So saying it
Speaker 1: doesn't matter. Not saying it doesn't matter. Having the conversation
Speaker 1: and expressing feelings to each other in an open and
Speaker 1: honest and productive fashion does matter. Those three words aren't
Speaker 1: always the be all and end all, but two words
Speaker 1: can be. I'm sorry might be the most perfect phrase
Speaker 1: ever invented. It's so succinct and so perfect, and it
Speaker 1: goes so far. You need to hear it, You absolutely
Speaker 1: need to say it. And if it is said out loud,
Speaker 1: it is said with sincerity, and it is said when
Speaker 1: the other person is absolutely on the brank. It can
Speaker 1: make relationships that we're going to end, possibly go on forever.
Speaker 1: You know, I've said before that women, sometimes and men,
Speaker 1: but mostly women. Women tend to say things, sometimes not
Speaker 1: to be right, but they say them to be heard, which,
Speaker 1: as I have learned, is incredibly important. She just wants
Speaker 1: to be heard. But sometimes saying you know what, you're
Speaker 1: right or I'm wrong, those are two words with just
Speaker 1: as much meaning and power as I'm sorry. Another two
Speaker 1: word phrase, thank you. Thank you goes so far. Thank
Speaker 1: you for everything. Thank you for the things that are obvious.
Speaker 1: Thank you for the things that seem trivial. Thank you
Speaker 1: for being you and being here and listening to me
Speaker 1: and loving me and getting me that latte, all of it.
Speaker 1: Thank you showing appreciation, respect, acknowledgment. How many more of
Speaker 1: those could lead to how many more relationships if people
Speaker 1: would just say it early and often and clearly and sincerely,
Speaker 1: saying words and asking questions. How important is asking questions?
Speaker 1: I mean it's not even about the answer. Sometimes it's
Speaker 1: about letting the other person know that you want to
Speaker 1: know things to learn, things that you want to do better,
Speaker 1: that you sense something is amiss and you want to
Speaker 1: address it and fix it. And again, I am not
Speaker 1: talking about asking questions that are fundamentally damaging to a relationship.
Speaker 1: You know, if you ask, hey, do you think you
Speaker 1: can get your hot friend to join us for a threesome?
Speaker 1: Probably not a positive question at an important moment, and
Speaker 1: probably won't improve things, you know, But if you said,
Speaker 1: how can I better serve our relationship? Who wouldn't want
Speaker 1: to hear that? And how is that not a positive question?
Speaker 1: What can I do to make your day or a
Speaker 1: week a bit better? Is there something you need help with?
Speaker 1: Is anything bothering you? And again, sometimes people who are
Speaker 1: bothered don't want to be asked if they are bothered,
Speaker 1: But I don't think it hurts to ask the question
Speaker 1: to at least acknowledge that you sense that they are bothered.
Speaker 1: That might get somewhere. Even is there anything you want
Speaker 1: to ask of me? Yes, a question that leads to
Speaker 1: a question, there's nothing wrong with that because it leads
Speaker 1: to a conversation and lots of times relationships can end
Speaker 1: because of a conversation, but I think there are so
Speaker 1: many more that can thrive and flourish and continue because
Speaker 1: of one, especially a productive one. Conversations usually can drive information,
Speaker 1: they can drive positive emotion. They're about sharing, They're about
Speaker 1: the always important curiosity. They're about addressing problems and finding solutions.
Speaker 1: And if you find solutions, things usually won't end because
Speaker 1: they should not end, And this will not end. We're
Speaker 1: going to continue to find a solution or two, and
Speaker 1: this episode will not end because we will be back
Speaker 1: right after this, and we are back. Are you guys
Speaker 1: back together? Did you get back together during the commercial break?
Speaker 1: How many relationships long ones, disbanded ones, potential ones did
Speaker 1: you not end up having or fully enjoying because you
Speaker 1: couldn't get through the one moment or the occasional bump,
Speaker 1: or you just couldn't figure out a way to get
Speaker 1: him to stop biting his nails or her to pick
Speaker 1: up her socks, or to get them to have one
Speaker 1: less drink before last call, or to spend one more
Speaker 1: day a year with their siblings or your siblings. A
Speaker 1: situation you know, a situation or relationship where almost all
Speaker 1: the time it was fun and fantastic and loving and
Speaker 1: sharing and growing and happy. But every once in a
Speaker 1: while you or they overthought things, or they got insecure
Speaker 1: or worn't sure, or just got too emotional or even
Speaker 1: not emotional enough in a moment, and it ruined all
Speaker 1: the other moments and hours and months and even years.
Speaker 1: Can a moment change everything? Of course it can. A
Speaker 1: blink of an eye can change everything. Life's about moments
Speaker 1: you met in a moment. I literally wrote a book
Speaker 1: called How to Find Love in Sixty Seconds that is
Speaker 1: exactly about what can happen in a moment. But look
Speaker 1: at it the opposite way, for a minute, for a moment,
Speaker 1: kind of bad moment, undo all the rest. It can,
Speaker 1: absolutely can should it sometimes? But sometimes people have a
Speaker 1: bad day or a bad week, and you can often
Speaker 1: talk through it and fight through it and get to
Speaker 1: the other side. All of you, every one of you,
Speaker 1: have a relationship in your past that would have lasted
Speaker 1: ahime of a lot longer and been a hell of
Speaker 1: a lot happier if you just handled the moment better
Speaker 1: or differently, and especially if you handle the moments following
Speaker 1: the moment differently. How many times did you not say
Speaker 1: something that you wanted to say, and then you missed
Speaker 1: the moment and let the ball keep rolling in the
Speaker 1: wrong directions. How many times did you say something that
Speaker 1: you shouldn't have said and that ruined all the other moments.
Speaker 1: But these moments or differences or challenges, they shouldn't always
Speaker 1: be fatal to the relationship. You have to think about
Speaker 1: what more do I want from this person? What things
Speaker 1: do I not feel or understand about him or her
Speaker 1: or us? Is there a way to get there? Can
Speaker 1: we ever get there? Let's figure out if we want
Speaker 1: to get there. I brought up the point a few
Speaker 1: months ago on a podcast I did about breakups where
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, the person has to
Speaker 1: decide is my life life better with this person in
Speaker 1: it or without this person in it? Because that fundamentally
Speaker 1: has to be the foundation for every relationship. Do they
Speaker 1: improve my world? Is my universe a brighter place with
Speaker 1: them in it? It's the most important question you have
Speaker 1: to ask yourself. And yes, conversations with yourself can both
Speaker 1: drive you insane and also lead to real answers. And
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about missing that person sometimes, and I'm
Speaker 1: not talking about longing for them late night once in
Speaker 1: a while. And I don't mean g it would be
Speaker 1: nice to have a date for my brother's wedding. I'm
Speaker 1: talking about is my life better with them than without them?
Speaker 1: And so many people skip over that question because it
Speaker 1: doesn't feel perfect. They try to get to the fantasy
Speaker 1: and work backwards and wonder why they aren't there. You
Speaker 1: need to start with the fantasy and wonder can we
Speaker 1: get there? Here's what I have in my head. Is
Speaker 1: it possible to get there with this person, the two
Speaker 1: of us? The road might not be straight, there might
Speaker 1: be it might there might be curves, there might be roadblocks,
Speaker 1: there might be obstacles. But is it possible to get
Speaker 1: to the fantasy with that person? What is good about us?
Speaker 1: What can be changed? What do we have? Is it
Speaker 1: at all possible if this and this and this can happen?
Speaker 1: Can we get to that? And how hard is this
Speaker 1: and this and this to overcome? People focus too much
Speaker 1: on the existence of the this and not how much
Speaker 1: it means and can this be? Not so permanent? Minor
Speaker 1: things should never be major flaws. Some of the parts
Speaker 1: is do they make me happy? Do they make me
Speaker 1: feel special? Do they make me feel respected and loved
Speaker 1: and hopeful, And do they make me feel better? Do
Speaker 1: they respect my world and my family and my friends
Speaker 1: and my children? Is that a positive situation in my life?
Speaker 1: Because sure, you know, when he or she has to
Speaker 1: get up for work, he can be a bit grumpy
Speaker 1: and a bit of an asshole. And yes, not to
Speaker 1: be sexist or stereotypical. Mercury can sometimes being retrograde, and
Speaker 1: it throws her whole world into chaos. All those things
Speaker 1: are real things. But can you get through those things?
Speaker 1: Can you make it to the other side of all that?
Speaker 1: Do you want to? And at the end of the
Speaker 1: day you have to ask is it worth it? And
Speaker 1: so many times it is, it really is. And we
Speaker 1: just don't want to do the work and say the
Speaker 1: words and ask the questions and find the answers that
Speaker 1: can turn this into that capital T capital H capital
Speaker 1: A capital T that and that can be awesome. So
Speaker 1: don't end up wondering what could have been? Think about
Speaker 1: what can this be right now with them together? Call
Speaker 1: the one you went out with once that time or
Speaker 1: twice or for a little while or maybe even for
Speaker 1: several years, and maybe revisit the possibilities if you ask
Speaker 1: these questions, now, what was it about us that led
Speaker 1: to us not being in us anymore? And if that
Speaker 1: leads to be like, oh my god that oh I
Speaker 1: remember he did that, well, then that's gonna that's gonna
Speaker 1: resurface pretty quickly. But if it's like I can't remember
Speaker 1: in the first thirty seconds what it was that led
Speaker 1: us apart, think about it then and think about if
Speaker 1: it's something that can be put back together. Maybe there
Speaker 1: was something there, Maybe there is something here. Think about it.
Speaker 1: It could have been sucks, it could be is amazing. Okay,
Speaker 1: I was thinking about this and I just wanted to
Speaker 1: So this wasn't the longest podcast we've ever done, but
Speaker 1: I was thinking about it, and curiosity drives just about
Speaker 1: everything I do. And what could have been? You know,
Speaker 1: it's sad if you if you let things get away
Speaker 1: that probably could have gone somewhere. Shoot us an email
Speaker 1: Great Lovedbate at gmail dot com if you have any
Speaker 1: thoughts on this or if you have an experience with
Speaker 1: what could have been, because we have a listener letter
Speaker 1: coming up. I believe on the next episode pretty soon,
Speaker 1: we're doing that one on location, and it's going to
Speaker 1: be very very fun, I think. Go to Great Lovedbate
Speaker 1: dot com, like, share, subscribe, and please review this podcast.
Speaker 1: As always, your reviews mean a lot in the podcasting
Speaker 1: ecosystem because, as always at the Great Love Debate, we
Speaker 1: never stop making love. To see next time the Great
Speaker 1: Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate.
Speaker 1: It's a Great Love Debate.