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<v Speaker 1>This is pod Popular podcasts for the people. The Great

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<v Speaker 1>Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, The Great Love Debate.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a Great love b Hi again, everyone is Brian.

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<v Speaker 1>How we welcome to The Great Love Debate, the world's

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<v Speaker 1>number one dating and relationship podcast since twenty and fifteen.

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<v Speaker 1>You ever see a couple and wonder how they can

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<v Speaker 1>be together, or why they stay together, or how they

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<v Speaker 1>ever got together in the first place. You ever see

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<v Speaker 1>those couples? I know, you see those couples and you

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<v Speaker 1>wonder why they don't break up, and you also wonder

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<v Speaker 1>what it is that they that they see in each

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<v Speaker 1>other that keeps them together. I mean, at the end

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<v Speaker 1>of the day, that's their business, and we should all

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<v Speaker 1>probably stay out of it, but out of it because

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<v Speaker 1>who ever knows why people get together or stay together

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<v Speaker 1>in the first place. That's mostly business and we should

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<v Speaker 1>leave it that way. But we do see it, and

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<v Speaker 1>we notice it, and we absolutely wonder about it because

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<v Speaker 1>that's just how we are, whether we see them in

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<v Speaker 1>the street or we watch them on social media. We're

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<v Speaker 1>creatures of curiosity, and we always say curiosity is a

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<v Speaker 1>good thing, but we don't want to bud to deeply

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<v Speaker 1>into people's business. But here's what we don't see, and

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<v Speaker 1>we don't pay nearly much attention to. We don't see

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<v Speaker 1>the ones that could have happened, the ones that should

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<v Speaker 1>have worked out, the ones that have that might have

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<v Speaker 1>stayed together if they had just done one little thing different,

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<v Speaker 1>or if they had overcome one overcomeable obstacle or asked

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<v Speaker 1>one more question or been one bit more open, or

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<v Speaker 1>had one thing go differently. Those are the ones I

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<v Speaker 1>think about, and those are the ones I worry about,

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<v Speaker 1>and those are the ones I want to talk about today.

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<v Speaker 1>The could have beens. There are millions I don't know,

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<v Speaker 1>are there millions, there's billions, I guess. There are billions

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<v Speaker 1>of couples in the world, and so many of those

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<v Speaker 1>really should not be together. We did a whole episode

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<v Speaker 1>on that. Go back and listen to Great Love Debate

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<v Speaker 1>one one fifty nine GLD one fifty nine. It's called

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<v Speaker 1>Laying Down the Law, and it touched on what I

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<v Speaker 1>call the law of twenty percent, which detailed when and

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<v Speaker 1>how and why people who are together should not be

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<v Speaker 1>together any longer. When they hit this formula that I

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<v Speaker 1>came up with, it should be the end of the line.

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<v Speaker 1>It was a very very precise algorithm that said, if

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<v Speaker 1>your relationship is this, you need to do that, which

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<v Speaker 1>is get out of it. And so many people don't

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<v Speaker 1>do that. They stay in bad relationships because they hope

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<v Speaker 1>it will get better, or they're afraid to be alone,

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<v Speaker 1>or because as you've probably heard on our last podcast

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<v Speaker 1>here people admitting that they're together because there's kids involved,

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<v Speaker 1>or for a dozen different reasons, and none of them

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<v Speaker 1>are good. So, if you're still in a shitty relationship

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<v Speaker 1>or if you're in a really shitty relationship right now

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<v Speaker 1>as you listen to this, go back and listen to that,

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<v Speaker 1>and then get out, because you are wasting your life

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<v Speaker 1>with the wrong person. And so many people waste so

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<v Speaker 1>much time just letting bad relationships go on and on

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<v Speaker 1>and on, and they don't focus on the good relationships

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<v Speaker 1>that they should have let go on and on and on.

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<v Speaker 1>So let's talk about the flip side to that. What

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<v Speaker 1>if you're in a relationship or thinking of being in

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<v Speaker 1>a relationship that is really really good, but it isn't

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<v Speaker 1>quite perfect, or it doesn't quite feel the way you

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<v Speaker 1>want it to, or it isn't absolutely how you dreamed

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<v Speaker 1>it could be so ninety five percent or ninety nine

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<v Speaker 1>percent of the time, it's great, but every once in

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<v Speaker 1>a while, no, and that every once in a while

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<v Speaker 1>no freaks you out and has you running for the

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<v Speaker 1>hills because it's not perfect every single moment. And I'm

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<v Speaker 1>not talking about every once in a while where someone

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<v Speaker 1>cheats on someone or throws silverware at them or any

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<v Speaker 1>kind of really bad shit. I'm talking about the kinds

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<v Speaker 1>of relationships where there was just the occasional miscommunication or

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<v Speaker 1>misunderstanding or even conversations that should have happened but didn't

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<v Speaker 1>happen for one reason or another. What about those relationships?

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<v Speaker 1>And I was wondering how many of those are there?

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<v Speaker 1>Because we can't see that, We can't see the ones

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<v Speaker 1>that are possible and don't reach their potential. How many

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<v Speaker 1>of those are there? I'm always hopeful, as you guys know,

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<v Speaker 1>so I think about the relationships that could happen, not

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<v Speaker 1>the ones that never were or shouldn't be. How many

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<v Speaker 1>can be saved or salvaged or improved or can flourish

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<v Speaker 1>with just a little bit of fine tuning if we

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<v Speaker 1>just rub that fine shammy cloth over them just in

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<v Speaker 1>time before the people bail out? How many of those

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<v Speaker 1>are there? So we're talking about matching people up today,

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<v Speaker 1>or how to find boyfriend, or how to where these

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<v Speaker 1>people are, any of the things that we sometimes talk

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<v Speaker 1>about here on the Great Love Debate. Those people are

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<v Speaker 1>right in front of your face, right next to you,

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<v Speaker 1>the person you were with last night or right now,

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<v Speaker 1>the person you think the most about or want to

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<v Speaker 1>be with. What about making the relationship works in a

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<v Speaker 1>way that it should with those people? But the people

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<v Speaker 1>that are right there or just were there or were

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<v Speaker 1>there at some point, what about making it work with

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<v Speaker 1>those people? What if you tinker with that car to

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<v Speaker 1>get all the parts humming so that it doesn't backfire,

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<v Speaker 1>and then when it backfires every so often, it reminds

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<v Speaker 1>you that there's something wrong. What if you fix that

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<v Speaker 1>part of it that led to the backfire and got

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<v Speaker 1>everything running smoothly. Is it fixable? You know, car guys

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<v Speaker 1>can fix shit. Maybe you can fix things too. And

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<v Speaker 1>before you start with now, if I'm in a relationship

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<v Speaker 1>and I have a gut feeling that something's wrong or

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<v Speaker 1>something feels off, you know I need to get out.

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<v Speaker 1>Maybe that's true, but every so often, quite often it's

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<v Speaker 1>not true that gut feeling is wrong, or it can

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<v Speaker 1>be fixed, or it's you being neurotic or overthinking things.

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<v Speaker 1>And what feels off can become on if you just

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<v Speaker 1>take it to a new place or a new environment

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<v Speaker 1>where your confidence in the relationship can actually find life.

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<v Speaker 1>And people focus a lot on the expressing of feelings

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<v Speaker 1>and saying the right things, but sometimes the things we

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<v Speaker 1>worry about don't really matter as much as we think.

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<v Speaker 1>We had a guest on this podcast a few years ago.

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<v Speaker 1>She was on here a few times. I don't want

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<v Speaker 1>to say her name, but she was in a pretty

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<v Speaker 1>steady relationship at the time. But the one thing that

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<v Speaker 1>bothered her was that he never said I love you.

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<v Speaker 1>She imagined and felt that he loved her. She thought

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<v Speaker 1>that he did, but he never said the actual words,

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<v Speaker 1>and she was about to end the relationship because it

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<v Speaker 1>was so frustrating and she didn't understand why. And we

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<v Speaker 1>told her on this podcast, like, just ask him, do

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<v Speaker 1>you love me? So she did and he said, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>my God, of course I do. And so she said,

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<v Speaker 1>how come you never said it? And he said, I

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<v Speaker 1>thought you knew, and I thought I said it and

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<v Speaker 1>expressed it in different ways and they're still together to

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<v Speaker 1>this day and they have a kid because she spoke

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<v Speaker 1>up and she asked a question and they had a

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<v Speaker 1>conversation and their whole relationship went to another place because

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<v Speaker 1>of those three words that did or did not exist.

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<v Speaker 1>Those three words mattered to her. She was really ready

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<v Speaker 1>to break up and pull the parachute because it was

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<v Speaker 1>so mind boggling and a little bit painful to her

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<v Speaker 1>that he just didn't say it the way she needed

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<v Speaker 1>to hear it. Those three words matter to her. They

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<v Speaker 1>matter less to me because I've had you know, girls,

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<v Speaker 1>women whatever, look me dead in the eye and tell

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<v Speaker 1>me they loved me, and they didn't mean it. I

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<v Speaker 1>think they were just saying it because they like hearing it,

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<v Speaker 1>I would sound, or just checking my reaction or thought

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<v Speaker 1>it was something I wanted to hear. So saying it

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<v Speaker 1>doesn't matter. Not saying it doesn't matter. Having the conversation

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<v Speaker 1>and expressing feelings to each other in an open and

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<v Speaker 1>honest and productive fashion does matter. Those three words aren't

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<v Speaker 1>always the be all and end all, but two words

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<v Speaker 1>can be. I'm sorry might be the most perfect phrase

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<v Speaker 1>ever invented. It's so succinct and so perfect, and it

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<v Speaker 1>goes so far. You need to hear it, You absolutely

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<v Speaker 1>need to say it. And if it is said out loud,

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<v Speaker 1>it is said with sincerity, and it is said when

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<v Speaker 1>the other person is absolutely on the brank. It can

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<v Speaker 1>make relationships that we're going to end, possibly go on forever.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, I've said before that women, sometimes and men,

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<v Speaker 1>but mostly women. Women tend to say things, sometimes not

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<v Speaker 1>to be right, but they say them to be heard, which,

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<v Speaker 1>as I have learned, is incredibly important. She just wants

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<v Speaker 1>to be heard. But sometimes saying you know what, you're

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<v Speaker 1>right or I'm wrong, those are two words with just

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<v Speaker 1>as much meaning and power as I'm sorry. Another two

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<v Speaker 1>word phrase, thank you. Thank you goes so far. Thank

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<v Speaker 1>you for everything. Thank you for the things that are obvious.

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you for the things that seem trivial. Thank you

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<v Speaker 1>for being you and being here and listening to me

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<v Speaker 1>and loving me and getting me that latte, all of it.

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you showing appreciation, respect, acknowledgment. How many more of

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<v Speaker 1>those could lead to how many more relationships if people

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<v Speaker 1>would just say it early and often and clearly and sincerely,

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<v Speaker 1>saying words and asking questions. How important is asking questions?

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<v Speaker 1>I mean it's not even about the answer. Sometimes it's

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<v Speaker 1>about letting the other person know that you want to

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<v Speaker 1>know things to learn, things that you want to do better,

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<v Speaker 1>that you sense something is amiss and you want to

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<v Speaker 1>address it and fix it. And again, I am not

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<v Speaker 1>talking about asking questions that are fundamentally damaging to a relationship.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, if you ask, hey, do you think you

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<v Speaker 1>can get your hot friend to join us for a threesome?

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<v Speaker 1>Probably not a positive question at an important moment, and

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<v Speaker 1>probably won't improve things, you know, But if you said,

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<v Speaker 1>how can I better serve our relationship? Who wouldn't want

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<v Speaker 1>to hear that? And how is that not a positive question?

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<v Speaker 1>What can I do to make your day or a

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<v Speaker 1>week a bit better? Is there something you need help with?

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<v Speaker 1>Is anything bothering you? And again, sometimes people who are

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<v Speaker 1>bothered don't want to be asked if they are bothered,

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<v Speaker 1>But I don't think it hurts to ask the question

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<v Speaker 1>to at least acknowledge that you sense that they are bothered.

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<v Speaker 1>That might get somewhere. Even is there anything you want

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<v Speaker 1>to ask of me? Yes, a question that leads to

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<v Speaker 1>a question, there's nothing wrong with that because it leads

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<v Speaker 1>to a conversation and lots of times relationships can end

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<v Speaker 1>because of a conversation, but I think there are so

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<v Speaker 1>many more that can thrive and flourish and continue because

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<v Speaker 1>of one, especially a productive one. Conversations usually can drive information,

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<v Speaker 1>they can drive positive emotion. They're about sharing, They're about

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<v Speaker 1>the always important curiosity. They're about addressing problems and finding solutions.

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<v Speaker 1>And if you find solutions, things usually won't end because

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<v Speaker 1>they should not end, And this will not end. We're

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<v Speaker 1>going to continue to find a solution or two, and

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<v Speaker 1>this episode will not end because we will be back

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<v Speaker 1>right after this, and we are back. Are you guys

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<v Speaker 1>back together? Did you get back together during the commercial break?

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<v Speaker 1>How many relationships long ones, disbanded ones, potential ones did

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<v Speaker 1>you not end up having or fully enjoying because you

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<v Speaker 1>couldn't get through the one moment or the occasional bump,

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<v Speaker 1>or you just couldn't figure out a way to get

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<v Speaker 1>him to stop biting his nails or her to pick

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<v Speaker 1>up her socks, or to get them to have one

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<v Speaker 1>less drink before last call, or to spend one more

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<v Speaker 1>day a year with their siblings or your siblings. A

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<v Speaker 1>situation you know, a situation or relationship where almost all

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<v Speaker 1>the time it was fun and fantastic and loving and

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<v Speaker 1>sharing and growing and happy. But every once in a

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<v Speaker 1>while you or they overthought things, or they got insecure

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<v Speaker 1>or worn't sure, or just got too emotional or even

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<v Speaker 1>not emotional enough in a moment, and it ruined all

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<v Speaker 1>the other moments and hours and months and even years.

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<v Speaker 1>Can a moment change everything? Of course it can. A

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<v Speaker 1>blink of an eye can change everything. Life's about moments

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<v Speaker 1>you met in a moment. I literally wrote a book

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<v Speaker 1>called How to Find Love in Sixty Seconds that is

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<v Speaker 1>exactly about what can happen in a moment. But look

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<v Speaker 1>at it the opposite way, for a minute, for a moment,

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<v Speaker 1>kind of bad moment, undo all the rest. It can,

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<v Speaker 1>absolutely can should it sometimes? But sometimes people have a

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<v Speaker 1>bad day or a bad week, and you can often

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<v Speaker 1>talk through it and fight through it and get to

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<v Speaker 1>the other side. All of you, every one of you,

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<v Speaker 1>have a relationship in your past that would have lasted

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<v Speaker 1>ahime of a lot longer and been a hell of

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<v Speaker 1>a lot happier if you just handled the moment better

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<v Speaker 1>or differently, and especially if you handle the moments following

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<v Speaker 1>the moment differently. How many times did you not say

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<v Speaker 1>something that you wanted to say, and then you missed

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<v Speaker 1>the moment and let the ball keep rolling in the

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<v Speaker 1>wrong directions. How many times did you say something that

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<v Speaker 1>you shouldn't have said and that ruined all the other moments.

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<v Speaker 1>But these moments or differences or challenges, they shouldn't always

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<v Speaker 1>be fatal to the relationship. You have to think about

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<v Speaker 1>what more do I want from this person? What things

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<v Speaker 1>do I not feel or understand about him or her

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<v Speaker 1>or us? Is there a way to get there? Can

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<v Speaker 1>we ever get there? Let's figure out if we want

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<v Speaker 1>to get there. I brought up the point a few

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<v Speaker 1>months ago on a podcast I did about breakups where

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<v Speaker 1>at the end of the day, the person has to

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<v Speaker 1>decide is my life life better with this person in

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<v Speaker 1>it or without this person in it? Because that fundamentally

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<v Speaker 1>has to be the foundation for every relationship. Do they

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<v Speaker 1>improve my world? Is my universe a brighter place with

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<v Speaker 1>them in it? It's the most important question you have

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<v Speaker 1>to ask yourself. And yes, conversations with yourself can both

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<v Speaker 1>drive you insane and also lead to real answers. And

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not talking about missing that person sometimes, and I'm

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<v Speaker 1>not talking about longing for them late night once in

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<v Speaker 1>a while. And I don't mean g it would be

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<v Speaker 1>nice to have a date for my brother's wedding. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>talking about is my life better with them than without them?

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<v Speaker 1>And so many people skip over that question because it

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<v Speaker 1>doesn't feel perfect. They try to get to the fantasy

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<v Speaker 1>and work backwards and wonder why they aren't there. You

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<v Speaker 1>need to start with the fantasy and wonder can we

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<v Speaker 1>get there? Here's what I have in my head. Is

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<v Speaker 1>it possible to get there with this person, the two

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<v Speaker 1>of us? The road might not be straight, there might

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<v Speaker 1>be it might there might be curves, there might be roadblocks,

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<v Speaker 1>there might be obstacles. But is it possible to get

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<v Speaker 1>to the fantasy with that person? What is good about us?

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<v Speaker 1>What can be changed? What do we have? Is it

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<v Speaker 1>at all possible if this and this and this can happen?

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<v Speaker 1>Can we get to that? And how hard is this

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<v Speaker 1>and this and this to overcome? People focus too much

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<v Speaker 1>on the existence of the this and not how much

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<v Speaker 1>it means and can this be? Not so permanent? Minor

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<v Speaker 1>things should never be major flaws. Some of the parts

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<v Speaker 1>is do they make me happy? Do they make me

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<v Speaker 1>feel special? Do they make me feel respected and loved

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<v Speaker 1>and hopeful, And do they make me feel better? Do

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<v Speaker 1>they respect my world and my family and my friends

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<v Speaker 1>and my children? Is that a positive situation in my life?

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<v Speaker 1>Because sure, you know, when he or she has to

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<v Speaker 1>get up for work, he can be a bit grumpy

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<v Speaker 1>and a bit of an asshole. And yes, not to

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<v Speaker 1>be sexist or stereotypical. Mercury can sometimes being retrograde, and

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<v Speaker 1>it throws her whole world into chaos. All those things

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<v Speaker 1>are real things. But can you get through those things?

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<v Speaker 1>Can you make it to the other side of all that?

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<v Speaker 1>Do you want to? And at the end of the

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<v Speaker 1>day you have to ask is it worth it? And

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<v Speaker 1>so many times it is, it really is. And we

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<v Speaker 1>just don't want to do the work and say the

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<v Speaker 1>words and ask the questions and find the answers that

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<v Speaker 1>can turn this into that capital T capital H capital

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<v Speaker 1>A capital T that and that can be awesome. So

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<v Speaker 1>don't end up wondering what could have been? Think about

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<v Speaker 1>what can this be right now with them together? Call

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<v Speaker 1>the one you went out with once that time or

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<v Speaker 1>twice or for a little while or maybe even for

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<v Speaker 1>several years, and maybe revisit the possibilities if you ask

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<v Speaker 1>these questions, now, what was it about us that led

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<v Speaker 1>to us not being in us anymore? And if that

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<v Speaker 1>leads to be like, oh my god that oh I

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<v Speaker 1>remember he did that, well, then that's gonna that's gonna

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<v Speaker 1>resurface pretty quickly. But if it's like I can't remember

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<v Speaker 1>in the first thirty seconds what it was that led

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<v Speaker 1>us apart, think about it then and think about if

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<v Speaker 1>it's something that can be put back together. Maybe there

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<v Speaker 1>was something there, Maybe there is something here. Think about it.

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<v Speaker 1>It could have been sucks, it could be is amazing. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>I was thinking about this and I just wanted to

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<v Speaker 1>So this wasn't the longest podcast we've ever done, but

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<v Speaker 1>I was thinking about it, and curiosity drives just about

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<v Speaker 1>everything I do. And what could have been? You know,

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<v Speaker 1>it's sad if you if you let things get away

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<v Speaker 1>that probably could have gone somewhere. Shoot us an email

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<v Speaker 1>Great Lovedbate at gmail dot com if you have any

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<v Speaker 1>thoughts on this or if you have an experience with

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<v Speaker 1>what could have been, because we have a listener letter

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<v Speaker 1>coming up. I believe on the next episode pretty soon,

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<v Speaker 1>we're doing that one on location, and it's going to

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<v Speaker 1>be very very fun, I think. Go to Great Lovedbate

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<v Speaker 1>dot com, like, share, subscribe, and please review this podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>As always, your reviews mean a lot in the podcasting

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<v Speaker 1>ecosystem because, as always at the Great Love Debate, we

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<v Speaker 1>never stop making love. To see next time the Great

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<v Speaker 1>Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a Great Love Debate.