Speaker 1: Good morning from Hell. It's you, good friend, Clayton.
Speaker 2: You're here with my co host, lifelong friend all eternity
for long friend, Chris. Hi.
Speaker 1: Oh so excited, Chris. What's this podcast about?
Speaker 3: Well?
Speaker 4: I died, yeah, now for my eternal punishment in Hell,
have to host a podcast with you where we interview
everyone in Hell.
Speaker 2: Everyone in Hell, all all the sinners and the saints.
Some of those guys ended up down here too. It's weird, Yeah,
it was really weird. Moral laws are always.
Speaker 1: Ambiguous, totally, totally.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, before we start criticizing people's religious beliefs even
more than we already have, what are we doing today?
Speaker 4: The podcast has been going well in Hell. Yeah, we've
also been doing well on the upper world. Not number one,
but the world. Yeah, number one in Hell, but I
don't know what we are on Earth, so we're number six.
It could be really, I don't know.
Speaker 2: That's not bad. I'll take that. So I'm gonna read
a couple of five star reviews.
Speaker 1: You already your first, folks.
Speaker 2: We're gonna suck her own dicks for the next three minutes,
all right, read those five star reviews.
Speaker 4: Someone muscle tov me said six six six stars. If
you like investigative journalisms and blood mixers, this is the
show for you. That's very niche kind of audience, but
it sure is good. Yeah, thank you, Mussele tov me.
And they're also h the doctor eleven oh seven said
great show, but he spelled it like great, like so
maybe like he's talking about like grading uh torture, Oh okay,
yeah yeah, and he says better than the eternal torture
I always due, so just above torture.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, so the doctor right, yeah, yeah, that's he's
actually in the the hell camp in the in.
Speaker 1: The skin minds.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah yeah yeah he he he's watched a bunch
of surgeries. Thank you, doctor one one o seven. I'm
gonna come by and give you an extra whipping today.
Speaker 4: All right. And then we also have a one from
Christa Marris's mom. I don't know there's actually my mom,
but that's what it says. Uh. Clayton rules, Yeah, five stars,
amazing podcast. Clayton should see awards in his future. But
what really steals the show is.
Speaker 1: Gambo oh no, what get out of here?
Speaker 2: How does that feel that the only form of communication
that you have with your living mother or your living
relatives is through reviews on Apple iTunes or Apple podcasts.
Speaker 4: I mean, I'll take you what I could get. At
least she's listening to the show.
Speaker 1: Yeah, she did.
Speaker 4: She mention you in that at all. She didn't say
anything about me. She wasn't like, Hi, Chris, we wish
you well, we wish we could hear from you, or
you know, grandma says, hi, nothing like that. Well in Gambo.
Thanks mom, Thanks, thanks Chris's mom. Yeah, I really appreciate
the support. If you leave it's a five star review,
we might be reading it. Or if you want to
leave a question for Clayton, you can do that on
the review as.
Speaker 1: Well, if it's five star. If we're not going to
read the lower ones. Yeah, losers.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I have a question from our hotmail. Oh doing
Q and A too really mixing it up. The audience
is probably blown away right now.
Speaker 4: Yeah, this is from Gabe Hess. Do you have legos
in Hell?
Speaker 3: We do?
Speaker 1: Actually, yeah, it's it's down by Lego Beach. Have you
been down there?
Speaker 4: No, I haven't visited Lego Beach.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it's miles and miles of beach, beautiful, beautiful beach.
But instead of sand. We have legos. Yeah, yeah, so
people want to.
Speaker 1: Go out there and you know, run on the beach
or Sunbathe.
Speaker 4: Is there water?
Speaker 2: No, it's it's just bleach. It's just a big body
of fresh bleach, fresh bleach, fresh bleach.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: No salt, no, none at all. It's just just bleach
and lego. And the reason the bleach is there is
because you know, kids with their boogers, they'll touch the
lego and then the bleach cleans it off, you know.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, if you want to go down there and then
like run to chariots of fire, I'm sure all of
our audience will get that reference.
Speaker 3: You can do that.
Speaker 4: Do people swim in the water? How long can you
swim in bleach water? How concentrated is the bleach?
Speaker 1: I mean it's on undred percent bleach. So you tell
me sometimes it.
Speaker 4: Quick dip, Yeah, very quick, very very quick.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Sometimes if I need to go down there to bleach
my butthole, you know, I'll just wait and wait in
the bleach for a while. It's cheaper than the alternative,
So just stick youre acid lego beachwater.
Speaker 4: That's right.
Speaker 2: The one advantage, truly, the one advantage is that sand
castles are actually a lot easier there because it's it's
a lego. So oh yeah, maybe little castles out a lego. Yeah,
it's actually quite nice. Yeah that doesn't sound bad. Yeah,
I want to get past the legos stuck in your toes.
Got another question?
Speaker 4: This is from the Good Morning from Hell subred it
from disc five four to six four.
Speaker 1: Uh is Spirit the official airline of Hell?
Speaker 3: Yep?
Speaker 4: Yeah, No, it's not like a Helta Airlines or something.
Speaker 2: No. I mean when we when we were looking for
our provider for for airline services, we went right to Spirit.
Speaker 1: We were like, Wow, these guys are truly evil.
Speaker 2: We want their business down here, and they're they haven't disappointed.
Yeah yeah, canceled flights, limited baggage space, anything shitty that
you can think.
Speaker 1: Of that an airline will do. They've done it in Spirit.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 1: So who is our guest for this week?
Speaker 2: Well, Chris, We're bringing on another demon, but this one
he is in a league of his own, a class
of his own. He is a special investigative Demon. He's
a detective. Detective Roger Davis.
Speaker 3: Afternoon, gentlemen, Detective Roger Davis, Hell Precinct, Fourth Division, sir, fourth,
not the sixth. No, you gotta work a lot harder
to get into the sixth precinct.
Speaker 4: Oh, I just said so, I didn't know there was
a police force in Hell.
Speaker 3: Well, there's a lot of things that go on down
here that are undesirable, Chris.
Speaker 2: We need a police force. Everybody needs a police force.
I mean, you know who's gonna be there to catch
all the bad guys.
Speaker 4: Well, I thought this is where all the bad guys went.
I thought they already been caught. This is kind of
like in that redundant.
Speaker 1: Well no, no, no, explain him what we mean by bad guys.
Speaker 3: Look, undesirables covers a lot of terms down here in Hell.
Our main perpetrators tend to be those that are providing
goods or services of an illicit nature to those that
are currently being tormented and or punished.
Speaker 1: It's Chris, you you look dumber than usual.
Speaker 3: Let me give you an example. Recently, recently had to
break up a drug organization. We have a real drug
problem down here in Hell.
Speaker 4: Uh.
Speaker 3: The organization was called the Red Cross. We caught them
distributing drugs like like some debug that's a street name
for antibiotics. There's a lot of people getting real rubbed
down with the sooth cream.
Speaker 4: Oh, we don't want that. So that's not like that's
a street name for.
Speaker 3: The street name. Yeah, that's you know, we have codes
for all these.
Speaker 4: Yeah, so whenever someone wanted to go out and illicitly
buy soothe, some sooth, that's just.
Speaker 3: Just a straight tube of burn cream. Okay. We also
got a lot of people getting tanked up right now.
That's a big problem. We haven't on the streets tanked up,
huge problem. Just lots of ivy fluids. Oh yeah, get
your hydrated. Yeah, you got to stay away from that stuff. Man,
it'll mess you up. It'll ruin your life by making
it better. Other than that, it's just a lot of
tile and all and ice packs.
Speaker 4: How long did the ice packs last?
Speaker 1: Not not very long.
Speaker 2: But you know, still it's any any level of relief
or anything down here in Hell. We just can't have that. Yeah,
this is a place for punishment. We don't we don't
like those drugs. These damn pushers, these Red Cross representatives,
got to watch out for those guys. Luckily, we've got
Roger Davis out there.
Speaker 3: We brought him to justice. They've been sent back to
the overworld. I think they've got enough to deal with
up there right now. Yeah, they probably do.
Speaker 2: Yeah wow, I mean that's that's been a severe problem,
you know, these darn drug pushers. But wait, what are
some other cases that you've been working on, Chris. You're
sure you're understanding what Roger jams. Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah. So anything that's good, you make sure it gets.
Speaker 3: Got to get to the bottom of it, got to
figure it out. We had a case not too long ago.
I call it the case the Touch Thermostat. You may
have noticed there was some unseasonably icy wind blowing through
hell a few days ago. Hyeah, it was pleasant almost
it's awful, which is unacceptable. And turns out someone had
tampered with one of the thermostats on the hellscape. Oh
really dropped it to down something a lot more manageable.
There was no signs of breaking and entering. I couldn't
find any evidence at the scene. Turns out demon Janitor
just butt dialed the nest thermostat. Oh it happens. You know,
you gotta be careful with that. That was just a
network security issue.
Speaker 2: Yeahah yeah, But we had our best man on the case.
We could have never figured that out unless.
Speaker 1: He's had to. Rod Davis had been on the job.
Speaker 3: So what happened to the janitor? Oh, he's been dealt with.
Speaker 2: The audience can't see what I'm doing right now, but
I'm giving a like a neck swiping.
Speaker 1: Like like we cut his throat. You cut his throat? No, no, no,
we cut off his ass.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, that is gone.
Speaker 3: I mean, punishment's got to fit the crime.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and you will having anymore buttles from him.
Speaker 3: I'm confident he'll never be sitting again. Let's just say that. Yeah,
Harambe's code it does well down here, Harambe.
Speaker 4: It's a deep cut, deep cut right through the ass.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So you know, you better watch out Chris because he's
you know, if you if you do any sort of
good thing, you know, you try to bring someone chocolates,
let's say, like a like a one Helen Keller, you know,
where you try to leave her a note or a
love letter, He'll.
Speaker 1: Track your ass down. He'll cut it off.
Speaker 3: Maybe actually on that note, I had heard maybe you'd
given her a gift to some cookies in a recent time.
Speaker 4: There weren't.
Speaker 3: No, no, we're having another problem with some smuggling here.
There's there's been a breakout of Girl Scout cookies making
it into Hell.
Speaker 1: Fucking girl Scouts.
Speaker 4: Man, No, I don't know anything about this, and that's honest.
Speaker 1: Sure you're not a mule. I'm sure you're not a mule.
Speaker 4: I'm not a mule.
Speaker 3: I'm telling you. Those thin mints feel a lot more
like thick men's when they're up the pooper, you know,
to get down into Hell.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I'm smuggling anything up my butt.
Speaker 3: There's a lot of demons with a lot of luggage
room in the ass.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I haven't even touched a cookie since I've been here.
Speaker 2: Okay, for the folks listening at home, the Girl Scouts
found a mining shaft when they're out.
Speaker 1: On a camping trip.
Speaker 4: Uh huh.
Speaker 2: And then the cookies have just been pouring down into Hell.
I mean it's a it's a huge problem.
Speaker 3: Oh no, it's terrible. We're finding empty wrappers everywhere. I
mean there's piles of them. It's unacceptable.
Speaker 2: Yeah, these these cookie cartels, you know, we got we
gotta crack down on these people.
Speaker 1: It's really fucking up our jobs.
Speaker 3: Yeah. We found several isolated areas where they're doing the exchange.
I'm not entirely sure yet what the Girl Scouts are
getting out of this.
Speaker 4: I think I guess it's selling cookies.
Speaker 3: Well, let's be honest, some ingredients that go into those
are addictive enough to qualify as hell spawned. So I'm
thinking maybe they've got some extra spices there and they're
getting from the Hellscape and sending them up there to
make the cookies before they bum them go.
Speaker 2: You gotta watch out for those those samoas. Just like
surprising that they kept that name because I feel like
that's probably cultural.
Speaker 3: Well, it is an island chain, so I think it's
okay to say, oh, you're not eating samoans, so that's
what we do down here.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we're all we eat the samoans, not the Samoa's.
Speaker 4: So so, yeah, there's the peanut butter patties. But there's
also they're also called tagalongs. Is one of those like
the street names for the cookie like game some tag along?
You give me a little tagalong?
Speaker 3: No, that's ridiculous.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, what is this advertisement for the Girls Scouts?
Speaker 2: Were you doing?
Speaker 3: It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. The street name
is the name of the thing. No, you don't call
it that. You're not gonna run if I remember the
tagalongs are the round ones with the hole right.
Speaker 4: No, they're the ones with peanut butter.
Speaker 3: I don't I don't know. I can't keep them. The
samoans we call those the sphincters. Yeah, the street name sphincters.
Speaker 1: Chris on Earth.
Speaker 2: Whenever you were trying to like land some drugs or something,
you didn't walk into a drug dealer's area and say, hello,
I would like some cocine please.
Speaker 1: No, you use a code name. Yeah, you fucking nark
all right.
Speaker 4: What is an example of like someone ordering a batch
of illicit cook batch?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, then going for a batch yeah hey, you'd
roll up and say, maybe, hey, uh, I need a
baker's dozen of your finestphinctus. You know, I need so
many sphinctus. I got a party today, I need sphinctus everywhere.
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, And I guess that that that's like, because
you're referring to sphincters like you could actually be ordering buttholes.
That's what you could claim.
Speaker 3: You gotta yeah, you gotta have it be something innocuous,
something that everyone down here would have sphincts.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, you roll up and then you're like, hey, hey,
slim me some of those chocolate toothpastes, you know, but
thin mince.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but chocolate toothpaste sucks.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: When you want some brush their teeth with chocolate toothpaste,
it sounds delicious. You know. If you ever wanted like
some peanut butter patties, you'd come up and you'd be like, hey,
like give me the nut, give me the nut.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Well, I'm glad I had this opportunity to speak with
you today because I uh, I wanted to ask you
a few questions. Who me you?
Speaker 1: He's looking at me? What? Okay? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Shoots, yeah, no, I'm an open book. I hope you
don't mind if I record this for posterity.
Speaker 2: I mean it's already being recorded. Is it's a podcast?
Knock yourself out.
Speaker 3: All right, I'm gonna keep my own record, thank you.
This is for the official record, not your little podcasting thing. Okay, okay,
uh interview with subject Clayton. Could you state your full
name for the record, please, mister Clayton.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's Clayton Danger.
Speaker 3: Fer Clayton Danger fir.
Speaker 4: All right.
Speaker 1: Danger is my middle name.
Speaker 3: That's interesting. I'm just going to run down a list
of a ka's I have here on file for you.
Uh aka el pero bandito. That's right, it's uh bandit
in Spanish. I don't. You can't explain that one.
Speaker 2: It's a long story, but let's just say me and
Michael Vick had a thing going for a day.
Speaker 1: Okay, it's hell.
Speaker 3: Uh maybe on a related vein, we've got the red rocket.
Speaker 2: Oh no, no, no, no, that's just uh. I used to
run track back in the hell Spawn.
Speaker 3: Okay, very fast, Sure, Okay, I've got Hell Magazine's Worst
Dressed Demon.
Speaker 1: I'm still very happy about that.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, most time he doesn't wear pants. He's naked most
of the recordings. I think they went on and on
about the top hat. I don't know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, oh yeah, probably myself and that I have that
handing on my my mantle piece.
Speaker 3: I hesitate to say this one because I don't know
that I want to know the story. But mister finger Bum,
oh yeah, you know.
Speaker 2: You know, I was experimenting back in demon college, uh
with new forms of torture, and I invented the finger
bum technique, which is you cut off the fingers of
the perpetrator and then you stick them up their bomb.
Speaker 3: All right, let's just check that one off.
Speaker 4: Then I can't confirm its effective.
Speaker 3: Yeah effective?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, Well that's he's not.
Speaker 4: That's why he knows. I don't have any cookies in
my butt, right because all I have is a couple
of fings.
Speaker 1: Why do you think he hasn't given you a thumbs up?
Speaker 3: Yeah, they're there, that's true. The last one I got
here is uh Ted.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, this is just a nickname that I was
started going by Ted?
Speaker 3: Ted?
Speaker 1: Ted?
Speaker 4: What context are you called? Ted?
Speaker 1: Wells?
Speaker 2: Sometimes when I go to the earth throw and then I,
you know, paint myself in white face, you know, I
I want to make sure that no one knows who
I am. So I just go like Ted hovercover my horns,
and then I'll order Starbucks and I'll.
Speaker 1: Say order Ted.
Speaker 3: That's me. What's that?
Speaker 2: What's the what's the the purpose of all this? Why
are you bringing up all these these things?
Speaker 3: Relax or just relax? I got some questions for you.
Speaker 4: It's fine.
Speaker 3: Where would you how would you say you feel Satan's doing?
What kind of job you think your brother's doing?
Speaker 2: Hey, he's the dark lord, and we're all supposed to
respect him.
Speaker 4: You know, I respect him.
Speaker 1: Just want to put that on the record.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, good, but uh, I.
Speaker 1: Mean yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2: I mean like I I could bring in some new ideas,
you know, personally and you know, like there's some things
where I would check them off his needs improvement.
Speaker 1: I think he could like zest up hell a little
bit more. I think he could get with the times.
Speaker 3: You know, fingers and bums is what you're saying. Well, yeah, basically, yeah, okay, okay,
mister finger bum When was the last time you say
you'd been to Satan's Castle?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 2: Oh, I mean it must have been hagsgiving a couple
of years ago.
Speaker 3: Yeah, oh, a couple of years ago.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I don't really go there that often.
Speaker 3: No, no, uh but you still remember your security code?
Speaker 4: Yeah it's six and six, So does need to change it?
Speaker 3: Shoot, Like, what's some kind of idiot would have on
the luggage? What about the evening of January eighteenth, round
about four pm? Do you know where you might have
been around then? Oh? I believe I was with Chris,
right right, Chris. So you're saying Chris here can corroborate
that story.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, totally. We were on Chris. Where were we?
We were hanging out together, that's right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we were, I believe, taking a boat trip to
the lake up fire.
Speaker 1: That's right, we said at the same time, so you
know it's the truth.
Speaker 3: A boat trip to the Lake of five. Yeah, we
were out there. What kind of boat was it?
Speaker 1: Oh, tug tug boat? Boat?
Speaker 3: Tug boat? What were you fishing for?
Speaker 4: Trouble?
Speaker 3: Yeah, trouble. What do you what do you beade a
hook with to get trouble?
Speaker 1: Mermaids?
Speaker 3: Not seasonal for mermaids this time of year.
Speaker 2: But okay, oh, I mean yeah, I had a batch
come in.
Speaker 1: I specially ordered.
Speaker 3: Them fresh batch. You got receipts to prove that you've
got that fresh batch of mermaids in. I take it.
Speaker 2: No, I don't really keep the trash long ago, those
those are all gone.
Speaker 3: How about you over there, mister fingered bum.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I just I he was he We love to
go to the lake.
Speaker 3: Okay, let's do a little experiment. Let's do a fun
little experiment. Why don't we. Okay, we're gonna on three,
say the color of the boat together.
Speaker 4: Okay, one huh, two, three, plaid.
Speaker 1: Fucking I guess the why would it be? It's red?
Look at me, I don't know.
Speaker 4: Black seemed like a good color for something.
Speaker 1: And you have to understand Detective Roger Davis Chris is colorblind.
Speaker 3: Ah yeah, color blind. Okay, I see, I see. Let's
let's lighten it up a little bit. Huh. I feel
like I feel like we're getting a little intense. I'm
investigating what appears to be a little bit of a
breaking and intrigue case. Oh interesting, I feel like you
can see where I'm going with this. There's been a
disturbance at Satan's castle.
Speaker 1: Oh uh huh.
Speaker 3: There was a bathrobe that had been disturbed. It had
been worn. There appeared to be a few other things
moved around. Maybe someone had been sitting in Satan's chair.
Speaker 1: Thrown.
Speaker 3: You know, it's a fancy chair. I can call it
what you like. Okay, Interesting, you've seen better.
Speaker 4: Interesting?
Speaker 1: Interesting, So you've seen it recently? Not recently?
Speaker 3: Who?
Speaker 2: I was just asking, what did you rob into his batman? No,
I haven't seen it since Saints Giving?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 4: Yeah, last year? Right, last year? Now, it was two
years ago before A lost track of time, you know, yeah, yeah, No,
I get it.
Speaker 3: There's no you know, day night cycle down here, right,
it's just all hell fire.
Speaker 4: That's right.
Speaker 3: Interesting, interesting, So tell me this. Don't break eye contact.
You stay right here with me. Okay, did you take it?
Speaker 2: What?
Speaker 1: Take what? I don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 3: This can go the easy way or the really easy way.
Speaker 1: Oh, I don't know. I cuts. I don't know what
you're talking about.
Speaker 3: I don't know. We know you've wanted it. I've got
oh got feces and icre smeared on the wall with hail. Clayton.
I don't know if you were aware of this, but
you had an SDI test not that long ago.
Speaker 2: Huh.
Speaker 3: All the markers in this icor comes back to you.
Speaker 1: That's you have to understand. I've been framed.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: I would never do that. I would never go job.
Speaker 3: It's a frame No, yeah, I understand, I understand.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Yeah, Clayton.
Speaker 3: In the frame job. It's okay, it's a frame job.
Someone's just framing up my friend here. It's fine.
Speaker 4: The follower, Yeah, follower, Clayton.
Speaker 3: Here's the thing. Someone's framing you, right, Okay. They're trying
to they're trying to get in your head. They're trying
to do what you would do, right, So where would
they put it?
Speaker 1: I don't know what it is. I really, I don't
know what you're referring to you.
Speaker 3: That was the wrong answer, Clayton, No, boys, let's bring
in the hop music.
Speaker 1: What what is that? No?
Speaker 3: No, this is just to set the mood. It's okay.
Speaker 1: Oh god, awful, Oh god, it's so pretty.
Speaker 3: Oh isn't that nice? What do you think?
Speaker 4: I think it's nice.
Speaker 3: It's not so bad?
Speaker 2: Is it?
Speaker 3: That's good?
Speaker 1: Please stop?
Speaker 3: Look at that that crescendo. That's that's so magical. I
like it. I like it.
Speaker 1: Oh, I feel like taste?
Speaker 3: All right? Sorry, take it down to notts their boys, Okay,
just not all the way I want him to. Still
hear it? You sure you don't know where it might
have been?
Speaker 1: No, no, I don't know what you're friends.
Speaker 3: Here's here's a hint. It's about yay long, about yay big,
about man heights, you know, smooth board, long shaft.
Speaker 4: How many satanicals is that? That's six to seven satanicals?
Speaker 1: No, No, I don't. I don't never see anything.
Speaker 3: Like that, oh, Clayton, Clayton, Clayton Davis. Yeah, I'm gonna
have to step out for a second. Uh okay, missus Chin,
if you wouldn't mind joining us, I believe my friend
over here, golems, if you would restrain the subject.
Speaker 1: Okay, get your big pass off, your good dope. What
is it? What is this? What is the meaning of this?
Speaker 3: Missus chin? If you would be so kind as to
give my friend here a deluxe what? No holds barred?
Oh no, full frontal? Oh no facial?
Speaker 1: Oh no, no, no, no, not.
Speaker 3: That the rejuvenating kind.
Speaker 4: Please, oh that kind of facial.
Speaker 2: Okay, oh Chris, Oh it hurts odd words odd feels
so good.
Speaker 3: Anytime you want this to stop, mister fingerbomb, all you
gotta do is tell me where it is.
Speaker 2: Tell them stop. No, please, my skin it gets its exfoliating.
Speaker 3: Stop stop please, okay, okay, okay, Oh, well, you're an animal,
mister Chin. Back off for a second. Let's give him
a second. Debreathe I'm glowing.
Speaker 1: Oh oh, I look five years younger.
Speaker 3: Your skin's radiant. No one's gonna believe you anymore when
you try and tell him, you're gonna torture him.
Speaker 2: Oh no, please, I don't I don't know what you're
talking about, mister Detective Roger Davis.
Speaker 3: I've got your fingerprints at the scene of the crime.
I've got your blood samples. What else does it take
for you to admit you a couple of bol.
Speaker 1: I don't I'm framed, framed. I probably swear to you
I have. I have a lot of enemies.
Speaker 3: We've got a lot of people that don't want me
to do take a breath. Tell me about who might
have framed you, then, mister.
Speaker 2: Clinton, Oh, let me see, I've got uh, Chris, I
would not have done such a thing.
Speaker 3: Well, according to you, Chris has a rock solid alibi.
Speaker 1: There's I'm sure there was an angel that snuck down here.
So you know I have agent of God?
Speaker 3: Perhaps, Oh sure, agent God.
Speaker 1: We have prank called heaven a couple of times.
Speaker 4: That's right.
Speaker 2: Saint Peter could have done it. Any number of Saints
could have could have done it. They could have come
marching in. And when the Saints come marching in, what.
Speaker 3: About the underwear with your name embroidered inside of it?
Speaker 4: Well, you shouldn't have left that there. Oh, I mean,
I'm just if if if or, that would have been
a really good way to frame you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, exactly, I too had someone break into interesting.
Speaker 3: This is the first I've heard of this.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I didn't feel like reporting it because they stole my
semen and blood fingerprints, so I.
Speaker 3: Was it's interesting because I hadn't mentioned the semen yet. Oh,
how did you know we found semen at the scene.
Speaker 4: Just a good guess, I guess to be fair, he
does leave semen a lot of places.
Speaker 2: It's all over the place, thank you, Chris. Yeah, it's
it's even in this room.
Speaker 3: Okay, mister clay this is a one time deal. Okay,
after this moment, it's off the table. Okay, you tell
me where it is, you give it back to me, okay,
and this goes away.
Speaker 1: I have no idea where the sceptor is.
Speaker 3: Oh Clayton, buddy, Uh, I didn't say it was a scepter.
Oh I I boys, hold him down.
Speaker 2: No no, no, no, no no no, no, no, no,
no no no.
Speaker 3: Bring in the puppies.
Speaker 1: No, not the puppies, anything but that.
Speaker 3: I have never seen a single demon stand up to
a puppy boarding Oh.
Speaker 1: Oh god, they're so soft and cute.
Speaker 3: Oh sure, absolutely no, no, no.
Speaker 2: Getting away from me, Chris, you no, Oh, it's it's
licking me. It's oh, it's so daring and loving.
Speaker 3: Oh ah, these are these are brand new puppies. They
were born yesterday, Clayton. They are pure than the driven snow.
Speaker 2: Oh there's there's fresh baby hair at birts a bird.
Speaker 1: Please stop up. I did it.
Speaker 2: It was me.
Speaker 3: Okay, get the puppies. Get the puppies back, all right, you.
Speaker 4: Huh, here's me. Can I keep this one?
Speaker 1: Shut up? You take the puppy throw it.
Speaker 4: Oh Jesus Christ, No.
Speaker 1: Don't his name. I took this. I took this scepter
to talk to Roger Davis. It was me. He's good.
Speaker 3: We all knew this already. I mean, I'm just glad
you were able to finally admit it. So, uh, you know,
I think I can put in a good word for
you with the judge. Uh I am, however, gonna have
to tell you dad.
Speaker 2: Oh no, I don't know who my dad is. So
maybe you can help me solve that mystery.
Speaker 3: Biblically speaking, if you're the brother of Satan, your dad's god?
Speaker 1: Oh what? Oh?
Speaker 2: What?
Speaker 1: No? Oh?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I need to hire you now as a private
detective because I need the DNA test. There's I'm not
the son of God, Jesus my half brother.
Speaker 3: Whoa, technically, Jesus is uh the physical manifestation of an
aspect of God. So really, Jesus is kind of your
dad too.
Speaker 1: What whoa?
Speaker 2: Yeah, this has been the worst episode.
Speaker 4: Oh the revelation that's in the Bible.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, not the book like that. Oh fuck?
Speaker 2: Oh oh, I don't feel so good. I don't feel
so good. I need I need a tilan all.
Speaker 1: Whoa, whoa? No, Oh, you caught me red handed. I mean,
look at my hands, they're red.
Speaker 4: So what's gonna happen to him? Now? Does he get taken?
Is he gonna go to is there jail?
Speaker 3: Well, I'm afraid he's gonna be sent to the beach
for a while. Uh not the bleach beach. It's actually
gonna be a very nice beach with Cabana's and uh
you know people that are gonna give you a massage. Uh,
they're also gonna they're gonna follow you horle is down
for a while. That'll take a while to grow back. Yeah,
you're gonna look like an adolescent again.
Speaker 1: Worked really hard on these.
Speaker 2: All right, Well, can you can you babysit Chris while
I'm gone on torture punishment.
Speaker 3: I mean, I guess I could maybe usually as an intern.
How good are you getting coffee? I'm really good at coffee.
I don't think you're gonna like it down at the
fourth preecon.
Speaker 4: Do you want sh in it?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 4: Nor, that's normally the coffee I'm served.
Speaker 3: Well, look, I I'm only like a half time or
down here. I spend a lot of time in the
overworld to occasionally even work cases for Heaven, So you
know I'm good with regular.
Speaker 4: Car Okay, yeah, they can do that.
Speaker 3: I got a I'm a kind of a transdimensional guy.
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, all right.
Speaker 1: Well I have learned the error of my ways.
Speaker 3: Roger Davis keeping a close eye on you, so you'd
make sure you stay on the crooked and not narrow.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yes, sir, Yes, sir, I swear to you
I will. Yeah. All right, Well he scared me hate.
Speaker 2: So well, Detective Roger Davis, Thank you, I guess for
coming on.
Speaker 4: When does he go to the beach?
Speaker 3: Oh, we'll take him out for processing right now. He's
gonna spend a night in holding, So if you want
to go see him, that's your chance.
Speaker 1: Oh, no, not holding. They have the softest mattresses there.
Speaker 3: They're delightful. The whole room's padded. You literally couldn't hurt
yourself if you tried.
Speaker 1: Oh all right.
Speaker 2: Chris good, you're gonna have to You're gonna have to
take us out, all right.
Speaker 1: Goodbye, goodbye.
Speaker 4: I need to like put his bail up or I
wouldn't bother. All right, Well, leave us rode on Apple
and maybe we'll read it next time. Thank you, Detective
Roger Davis.
Speaker 3: Happy to do it. You just make sure that I
don't ever need to come down here again.
Speaker 1: Yes, sir, yes, sir, he'll say,