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Speaker 1: A Soldier's Christmas by Owen Oliver. I had spent fifteen

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Christmas days with my battalion. Upon the sixteenth, I woke

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far away from it, and I decided that since I

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couldn't have a soldier's Christmas, I wouldn't have any Christmas

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at all. I rang for my man as soon as

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it was light. He came in and saluted and stood

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at attention. I had warned him when I bought him

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out that if the army had done with me, I

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hadn't done with the army, so he observed military discipline.

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You will take every Christmas card that comes this morning

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and put it on the fire, I commanded, Yes, sir,

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And everything that looks like a Christmas circular or an invitation,

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or all anything else. Burn the lot very good, sir,

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And tell the porter that if anyone calls I am out, Yes, sir,

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And tell his wife to send up just a plain

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lunch and dinner. If there's Christmas pudding or anything of

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that sort, she'll have no Christmas box from me. You'll

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make that perfectly clear, Yes, sir. The post should come

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about eleven. When you have disposed of it, you can

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go for the day. Thank you, sir, He fidgeted about

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in an unsoldierly fashion. Quite sure you won't want me, sir?

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How dare you question my orders? I snapped? Do you

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think I don't know my own mind because I'm on

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the retired list. That wasn't strictly correct, but they had

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told me that I should be possessed out next week.

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Beg pardon, sir, I was only thinking I cut him short.

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A soldier doesn't think he obeys you and I are

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still soldiers. Know a board of idiots say I'm physically

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unfit for further service. Unfit. I'd like to have the

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whole board in this room and show them who's physically unfit.

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I kicked off the bedclothes and jumped out of bed.

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Give me the dumb bells and go and fetch my

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shaving water. Unfit indeed, a mere kink in the leg.

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Those fools at the war office will sit up when

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they read my protest. Oh yes, sir. They don't know

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what you did for the battalion, sir. The men are

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terribly cut up about you leaving, sir, begging your pardon

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for mentioning it. I had a letter from Conkie Davis,

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who I roared six two four three A Davis E Company, Sir,

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the one that I know. I know. There wasn't a

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man in the battalion that I didn't know all about.

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He says, if you'll excuse me for mentioning it, Sir,

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did all the men say that Major Harder was the best? Stop?

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I said? Do you think I don't know how soldier's right?

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He doesn't say that. Harris fidgeted. It comes to that, sir,

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He amended. He calls me Old Muster. Eh. I knew

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they're named for me. Yes, sir, it doesn't mean any

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harm they I know. I know Old Mustard. Eh. I

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rubbed my hands. And what's the impudent scoundrel got to

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say of Old Mustard? His exact words, Harris told me, solemnly,

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begging your pardon, So were these You always got it

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straight from him? And we'd rather be swore at by

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Old Mustard than kissed by the colonel. I sat down

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on the bed. Suddenly it upset me a bit to

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know that the boys remembered me like that. Heaven bless them,

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I said, I, what are you gaping at? Go and

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get that shaving water. I understood the chaps and if

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I'd lost both arms and both legs, I'd have been

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able to manage the battalion. That's what those clever gentlemen

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at the War Office didn't realize. I don't say they

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didn't mean to treat me well, But what's the use

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of a dso and a wound's pension to a man

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who can't go on soldiering, and to turn him off

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just before Christmas of all times. However, the colonel said

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in his letter that he was carrying out my plans

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for the Christmas dinner and the presents afterwards. That was

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some consolation. I shaved and dressed and had breakfast. Then

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I hobbled out for a walk in the park. At

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least I started to go there, but there were so

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many children and beggars wishing me a merry Christmas that

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I soon returned to the flat again. They didn't know

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any better, But my relatives and friends, who kept writing

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to ask me to keep Christmas with them, ought to

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have had more sense. He might have known that there

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wasn't any Christmas for a man who had been turned

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out of the army. I hope that every member of

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the medical Board might be choked by his Christmas dinner

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physically unfit. Indeed, i'd have knocked out any two of

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them in five minutes if i'd had them in a

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ten foot ring. When I returned, Harris was waiting on

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the door mat with a handful of letters. I wasn't

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quite sure if I understood the orders, sir, he declared,

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there's one letter in particular that he didn't get any further.

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I have told off a few soldiers in my time

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for slackness in carrying out orders that I surpassed myself.

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On this occasion, Harris ran off to the kitchen fire

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in such a hurry that he even forgot to salute.

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I think he was ashamed of himself, for he was

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particularly anxious to make me comfortable before he went. I

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got him out of trouble when he was young and raw,

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and the beggar was always grateful. He was so cut

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up when I was invalided that I had to bring

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him away with me. When he had departed, I got

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out all my papers. I kept them from the first

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gazette and read them through. Then I read a letter

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from the adjutant, which I liked better than the official documents.

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You'll still be running the regiment, he wrote. When I

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succeeded you as adjutant three years ago, I knew that

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I'd stepped into the shoes of a man, and I

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made up my mind to fill them. You have helped

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me to do so all the time, and thanks to

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your teaching, I think I shall be able to carry

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on as you'd have me carry on. I shall always

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feel that it's your regiment. That was how I felt

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about it. The last two colonels had been easy going men.

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They left everything to me when I was adjutant, and

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they always consulted me afterwards. I had a note before

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me now asking my advice about some difficulties with the

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double company messing system. I wrote the answer on the

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spot and sealed it up. I hoped that Harris hadn't

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been and anything from the battalion. I hadn't sought to

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mention that service letters were not to be included in

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the bonfire. I always was a hasty beggar old mustard.

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The boys knew me. I had begun a letter to

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the adjutant advising him to watch C Company, whose captain

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was too fidgety with the men, and to make sure

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that F Company wasn't too much in the hands of

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the pay sergeant. I'd caught Marshal every officer who leaves

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cash payments to a sergeant, if I had my way.

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I was going on to the question of non regulation

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boots when I heard the front doorbell. I didn't answer it,

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and didn't mean to, but presently I heard someone come

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into the hall I hadn't knocked up after Harris. I

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hobbled to the door of the room as fast as

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I could go. All that deuced you mean by entering

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my hall, I shouted, and then I stopped for the

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intrude was my cousin, Alice, missus Barkham. We had been

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like brother and sister since we were children toddling together.

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She smiled and I frowned. Well, what the deuce do

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you mean by it, Alice, I asked. You are brought

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up as a sportswoman. You ought to know that there's

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a close time for an old badger's licking his wounds

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in his lair. Alice came and put her gloved hand

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on my shoulder and kissed me. I know, she said,

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dear old man. I felt so bad about it that

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I had to come to the wounded soldier I'm not

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a soldier any longer, I growled. They're turning me out

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of the army physically unfit. The fools. You are a soldier,

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she contradicted, And you'll always be a soldier, and you're

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coming back with me to spend Christmas like a solid

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a soldier. She put her hand on my arm again.

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Who is too brave to let his troubles hurt his friends.

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There is a certain silly old friend who has had

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a little cry on Christmas morning over a letter. Dickie

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dash it all, I cried. You don't mean to say that.

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You come, come, commanding officer, I always called her. That

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settle the case summarily. I've been lingering in hospital instead

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of doing my duty. I'm an idiot. What's the punishment.

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The punishment, she said, is to come back with me

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and spend Christmas like a soldier. Who doesn't mean to

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mourn about the soldiering that he can't do, but to

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do manfully the soldiering that he can. That isn't much,

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all I said, mournfully. I was all right in the regiment,

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but I'm no use out of it or in it now,

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No use, she cried, tossing back her head, as she

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always did when she was very much in earnest. No use, why, Dickie,

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Just think, what's the principal work of an old soldier?

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What would yours have been if you'd stayed on and

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commanded the battalion? You would, of course, isn't it to

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make soldiers? Well, you've trained plenty of fellows to do that,

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so many that your work will go on without you.

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You are still training the battalion, Dickie. That's what Lane said.

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I owned, Lane is the adjutant. It sounds very nice,

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rather like an after dinner's speech. But I prefer to

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be doing soldier's work myself, not my deputy. And you will.

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Unless I'm very much mistaken, You'll soon find some way

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of being useful to the army. For one thing, you'll

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put soldiers hearts into lads into mine. Now, Dickie, get

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your hat and coat and come and do your soldiering.

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Show us how a brave soldier fights trouble and keeps

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a cheerful face. And poor old man. Her voice quivered suddenly,

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and she pulled out her handkerchief. For goodness sake, don't

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I begged? Look here, you just be a brave soldier. Too,

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old girl, no water works, I'm not, she denied gallantly.

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Don't be a donkey. The cold has caught my eyes.

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That's all. Hurry up, you slow soldier. I hurried up

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and went off with her. I hailed a taxi cab

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and gave Alice's address, and we drove away. I meant

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to turn my mind right off the service, but Alice

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artfully led me on to talk about military affairs, and

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when I once started, I went on till we reached

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her road. Now I've been boring you, I apologized. Then,

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indeed you haven't, she cried, It has been most interesting.

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I had no idea that officers thought out things like that.

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Why the management of a regiment seems to be a

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regular science with lords and principles. It ought to be,

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I told her, But it generally isn't. Most fellows just

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muddle along from one thing to another and never grasp

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the principles of regimental economy. It doesn't occur to them

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that there are principles. That's the deuce of it. I

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always found them ready enough to do things in the

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proper way when I pointed it out. Then she said,

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why don't you write a book of proper ways. That

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would be big soldier work. Dickie, you'd be making thousands

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of good soldiers all through the art. I'm not much

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good with the pen, I confessed. I can talk to soldiers,

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but I'm afraid i'm a bit blunt, you know. Alice

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laughed out loud, old mustard. She said, ah, you no, dear,

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of course I do. If you wrote bluntly, not too

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much mustard, it would be all the better. General Loringham

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wrote to me about you when you got the DSO,

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and he said that everybody knew your courage, but what

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they didn't know was your remarkable understanding of regimental management.

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Write a good, blunt book about it, dickie. Nobody will

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read it, I grunted. Outside the regiment, one will, she asserted.

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That is how the Management of a Regiment came to

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be written. It is in the third edition, and they

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use it as a book. If it is any good

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the army. I have to thank my cousin, Alice, and

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another lady. I'm coming to her presently. Alice's jovial husband

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met me on the doorstep. Good old man, he cried,

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I thought the commanding officer would drag you out. Now

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you realize the despot is a mindiure if I didn't

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kiss her under the missletoe there, fair lady, i'd get

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no Christmas dinner. Well, I am glad to see you.

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What are they thinking of to lose a chap like

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you for a bit of a limp? Hello, here's the army.

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My niece rushed at me and dragged me under the

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mistletoe with a shout of uncle. They call me that.

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Then the boys flew out to shake hands. By jove,

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I cried, how you've all grown here? Give me a shoulder, Chris,

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and I'll do without the stick s Eh? What believe?

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I sent some of them as if I would, Yes, Yes,

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I'll come. They hauled me into the breakfast room, and

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Chris sat on my knee, and the boys stood close

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by and began asking questions. They wanted to know all

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about the fight for which I got the DSO And

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the fight, eh, I said, it was just a wretched

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little affair in the hills, a lot of black chaps

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sniping and bolting whenever we tried to rush them. The leg.

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Oh that was a poke with a rusty sword. It

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wouldn't have been anything. If it had been doctored at once. Oh,

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I wasn't it because there wasn't a doctor handy. We

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were cut off for five days, the whole regiment now

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about thirty of us. To begin with. How did it happen? Well,

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the niggers made a rush and got six of our chaps,

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and the colonel let me go at night with a

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party to rescue them, because they weren't particularly nice to prisoners.

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We recovered our chaps all right, but we couldn't get

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away afterwards. Had to hold a sort of little temple

241
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till relief came. March to eat, no, not much, plenty

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of water, thank heaven. That's the main thing. How did

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I fight with my bad leg? Didn't seem to notice

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it much, then it got worse afterwards. How many men

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did I shoot? I never was much good at arithmetic,

246
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And Chris doesn't want to hear about that. What was

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the temple like? Well, get me some paper and i'll

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draw it. I spent the next hour describing the campaign

249
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to Christen the boys. Arthur is fifteen and Dick, he

250
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was named after me, fourteen. They both said that they

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wanted to be soldiers as soon as they could. I

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told them that they could begin making themselves soldiers now,

253
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because the first thing was to obey orders, and to

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obey them smartly. I promised to ask their father to

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let them learn fencing at school, and gave them an

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elementary lesson with walking sticks. Chris said she would like

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to be a nurse and nurse soldiers, and I told

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her a few things about first aid. I felt I

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had spent quite a soldier's morning. When the gong sounded

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for early dinner, I will confess that I was a

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bit of a coward when I went down to dinner.

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The holly and decorations made me think of the old

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mess room. I'm afraid I was a little remiss in

264
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talking to the lady whom I took in till I

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noticed her smile at me. I beg your pardon, I apologized.

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I was thinking I paused of a soldier's Christmas. She said,

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so was I. You don't remember me, good gracious, I cried, Ethel,

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I mean missus Meadows. Her father was Colonel of the

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East Farsher and we were together in Ceylon. She was

270
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just a flapper then, and we won the mixed doubles

271
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in the garrison tennis tournament. She married Meadows, a subaltern

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in the West Loamshire. It wasn't much good and died

273
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two years afterwards. Yes, she said, you were adjutant of

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your battalion just before we left, and father said, now

275
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they'll soon be soldiers. I wasn't a bit surprised when

276
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I heard of the Pindi affair and your dear so,

277
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do you remember how I used to wish i'd been

278
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born a boy to go into the army. And you

279
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called me young soldier, and you called me old soldier.

280
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My chaps called me old mustard afterwards. They always have

281
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a name for the right sort. I know, Tommy. Her

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eyes glistened. You disciplined me. I remember that was how

283
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we won the tournament. I reminded her. You obeyed orders

284
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and ran up and bollyed like a boy, instead of

285
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playing a girl's backline game. You see, I judged my

286
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:18,119
soldier before I gave orders, and I judged my leader

287
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before I obeyed them. She replied, in her old daring way, no,

288
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and threatened him too. I said, when you were grown up,

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you disciplined me. You said, perhaps you would have if

290
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you hadn't gone so far away. I smiled, at her.

291
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I used to call her my little sweetheart. I went further,

292
00:19:40,319 --> 00:19:45,960
she said, and fared not too well. She sighed, Do

293
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you know I always feel as if I want to

294
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be back with the regiment. You see, the father had

295
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no boy, and so he used to talk to me.

296
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And mother was a soldier at heart, a better soldier

297
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than some men. Her lip curl. I ought to have

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been missus, colonel, somebody I would have looked after my battalion.

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If I hadn't had this little accident to my leg,

300
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I jested, I might have been able to offer you

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the appointment. I might have taken it, she retorted, with

302
00:20:17,599 --> 00:20:20,599
a flash of her old merriment. And then you would

303
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have been sorry for yourself. Only for you, I declared.

304
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If you remember, I used to tell you that if

305
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I could choose my age, i'd be five years older

306
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than my young soldier. Now we're both old soldiers on

307
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the retired list, and I haven't got a dear, so,

308
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and what are you going to do? You mustn't waste

309
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all your soldier craft. Father always said that some one

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like you, a real regimental expert, ought to write a

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book instead of leaving staff college men to teach the

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regimental officer to suck eggs. Alice has been talking to you,

313
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I remarked, or you to Alice both. She confessed. You

314
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want to find something to amuse an old, old mustard,

315
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I said, we do, she replied frankly. You see, we

316
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both think a good deal of him, and I rather

317
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fancy we've found the right amusement. Seriously, now, well, I said,

318
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I'm no right, but if I understand anything, it's regimental duties,

319
00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:36,519
is he? And then I launched off into my favorite topic.

320
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It lasted through dinner. You've let me bore you to

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give an old soldier a pleasant Christmas, I said. When

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we rose, I would have led to bore me. She said,

323
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smilingly with that object. But as it happens, you haven't.

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Oh don't. I wish I could help you write that book.

325
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I daresay you're right a dozen. You call yourself old,

326
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but you're only let me think about thirty seven, that's it,

327
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and you're twenty four twenty five, she corrected. If you

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were five years older, I jested, there'd be the appointment

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of missus major military author. You'd better be careful, she

330
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warned me, laughingly. There's a dso and I always wanted

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a decoration. Well, Alice asked, when we were together for

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a moment, hadn't I a nice surprise for you? Very nice?

333
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I agreed. I always like that girl, so frank and honest.

334
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It's a pity she didn't marry a real soldier. Her

335
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heart's in the service, and ever met such a regular

336
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army woman. If a certain old soldier had had more sense,

337
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Alice observed, I rather think you ridiculous match making creature,

338
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I cried. She was a mere schoolgirl and looked upon

339
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me as a sort of uncle. She never had any

340
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other idea, humph, said Alice. Girls have all sorts of ideas.

341
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A lot you know about women. No, I don't suppose

342
00:23:19,759 --> 00:23:24,079
she had any serious idea, but she was uncommonly pleased

343
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when she found that she was going to meet you.

344
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Now look here, I protested. Don't put foolish thoughts into

345
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the head of a man who's unfit for further service.

346
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The idiots the hush, Alice entreated. So I hushed, but

347
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I felt myself looking fierce for some time afterwards. If

348
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it hadn't been for the three confounded pill boxes on

349
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that board, I might have had a missus colonelship to

350
00:23:53,119 --> 00:23:58,880
offer to to any one who seemed suitable. However, I

351
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:01,799
was soon dragged out of my corner to play blind

352
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Man's Buff and snap Dragon and a dozen other games.

353
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:08,720
Then we had supper, and then the children went to bed.

354
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I was going home, but Alice and her husband said

355
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that there was a spare room and I must stay

356
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the night. So I stayed ethel I had taken to

357
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calling her that again was staying there too, and the

358
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four of us sat round the stove. Harris will be

359
00:24:26,319 --> 00:24:30,759
worrying about me, I remarked, Oh no, he won't, Alice

360
00:24:30,799 --> 00:24:33,680
assured me. I met him, and I told him I

361
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should bring you back and keep you mm. Such conduct,

362
00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:43,680
I protested, is subversive of discipline. Al doesn't believe in

363
00:24:43,759 --> 00:24:49,440
other people's discipline. Her husband remarked, it depends, she said.

364
00:24:50,039 --> 00:24:56,079
Discipline means obeying proper orders and disobeying foolish ones. Now

365
00:24:56,319 --> 00:25:00,240
confessed Dick. Haven't you sometimes wished at an order had

366
00:25:00,279 --> 00:25:05,480
been disobeyed? Never, I asserted, But I've sometimes wished that

367
00:25:05,519 --> 00:25:11,319
I hadn't given it. For example, she remarked, when you

368
00:25:11,599 --> 00:25:16,200
ordered a whole post of letters to be burnt, suppose

369
00:25:16,319 --> 00:25:19,720
there was an official letter among them, and the person

370
00:25:19,759 --> 00:25:22,200
to whom you gave the order was quite sure that

371
00:25:22,279 --> 00:25:26,680
you didn't mean that. He'd no business to mention it

372
00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:30,480
to you, I cried, And if he's disobeyed my orders,

373
00:25:30,519 --> 00:25:35,359
I've discharged a scoundreal tomorrow. I paused for words suitable

374
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:41,640
for ladies ears, and then Ethel's quiet voice interposed. Isn't

375
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:46,880
it disciplined to carry out orders in the spirit, she asked, Now,

376
00:25:47,079 --> 00:25:49,319
don't say that would end by not carrying them out

377
00:25:49,319 --> 00:25:52,599
at all. That's quite true of the rank and file.

378
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,920
But you see, Arris is your second in command for

379
00:25:57,000 --> 00:26:01,480
the moment, and he takes thought for you. Anyhow, you

380
00:26:01,559 --> 00:26:05,400
can take his good intention into account in sentencing him.

381
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:09,720
It's you who ought to write a book, I told her,

382
00:26:09,839 --> 00:26:14,480
a lawyer's book. She laughed. But I've got over you,

383
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:19,160
she asserted. You won't do anything to poor Harris. No,

384
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:25,359
I said, no, I suppose you've the letter, Alice, Yes,

385
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:29,440
she said, it's from the War Office. I'll give it

386
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:33,359
to you before I go to bed. No, I said,

387
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:37,400
give it to me now, I appealed, of course, but

388
00:26:37,519 --> 00:26:41,559
I knew it's no good. I suppose they're right. I'm

389
00:26:41,599 --> 00:26:46,920
too lame for duty. No, only for that particular duty.

390
00:26:47,839 --> 00:26:50,440
You two good women have disciplined me to day and

391
00:26:50,559 --> 00:26:55,839
stopped me from growing into a miserable old grumbler. I'll

392
00:26:55,880 --> 00:27:00,160
find some duty in life, and please Heaven, I'll do it.

393
00:27:01,039 --> 00:27:04,319
What's more, i'll do it without whining that it isn't

394
00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:08,519
exactly the duty that I I loved the old regiment.

395
00:27:10,039 --> 00:27:15,359
A woman's hands touched each of my arms. The decision

396
00:27:15,519 --> 00:27:18,559
was the only possible one, really, and I only appealed

397
00:27:18,559 --> 00:27:22,160
to blow off steam instead of accepting the verdict like

398
00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:26,960
a good soldier. They can't possibly alter it. I have

399
00:27:27,079 --> 00:27:29,359
to read the letter sometimes, so I'll just glance at

400
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:33,519
it and get it over. I opened the letter, and

401
00:27:33,559 --> 00:27:37,039
then I don't know quite what I said or did.

402
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:40,799
My chair seemed to be sailing through the air when

403
00:27:40,799 --> 00:27:43,319
it came to anchor on the hearth rug Old George

404
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:45,759
was pumping my hand, and Alice and Ethel were holding

405
00:27:45,759 --> 00:27:50,000
my arms. They were laughing and wiping their eyes. Ethel

406
00:27:50,119 --> 00:27:52,440
picked up the letter from the hearth rugue and waved

407
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:56,880
it as if she were a flapper. Again, soldier, she cried,

408
00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:03,240
saluting as if she were one soldier. I rose holding

409
00:28:03,319 --> 00:28:08,839
my chair and saluted her. I knew very certainly one

410
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:12,880
sees things clearly in those great moments that I had

411
00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:17,880
found my commanding officer. My heart was too full to

412
00:28:18,039 --> 00:28:22,720
speak for. The letter said that, while regretting that my

413
00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:27,559
return to regimental duty was not practicable, the War Office

414
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:31,119
considered that my knowledge of regimental economy would be valuable

415
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:35,319
in the Adjutant General's department and offered me a staff

416
00:28:35,359 --> 00:28:41,519
appointment instead of retirement. It's as suit as Christmas, after all,

417
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:46,160
Dickie Alice said, and kissed me. Let's go and look

418
00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:50,240
at the children, George, I always do when I'm specially happy.

419
00:28:52,319 --> 00:28:56,000
They went off, and Ethel and I were left alone.

420
00:28:56,680 --> 00:29:00,880
Ethel I said, as any one thing wanting to make

421
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:07,400
my next soldier's Christmas perfect, a real soldier's wife, there

422
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:11,400
hasn't been any one, because they didn't come up to

423
00:29:11,519 --> 00:29:15,359
the dear soldier girl whom I used to know. It

424
00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:20,240
isn't a good enough appointment for you. It happens to

425
00:29:20,319 --> 00:29:24,880
be an appointment i'd like. She told me, Oh, Dick,

426
00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:33,000
this is my best soldier's Christmas. End of a Soldier's

427
00:29:33,079 --> 00:29:34,839
Christmas by Owen Oliver