WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.600 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.400 I AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:08.759 demand on the iHeartRadio App. Welcome back to the Doctor 4 00:00:08.800 --> 00:00:12.599 Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere 5 00:00:12.880 --> 00:00:15.560 on the iHeartRadio App. If you have not downloaded the 6 00:00:15.560 --> 00:00:18.399 iHeartRadio app yet, you really should because if you miss 7 00:00:18.920 --> 00:00:21.760 any episode of the Doctor Wendy Walt Show or part 8 00:00:21.800 --> 00:00:23.760 of it, or you want to send a segment to 9 00:00:23.800 --> 00:00:26.679 a friend, you need to get on that app because 10 00:00:26.679 --> 00:00:29.359 it's there permanently afterwards and you can listen to it 11 00:00:29.440 --> 00:00:33.280 at your leisure whenever you want. All right, I'm about 12 00:00:33.320 --> 00:00:35.520 to answer some of your dms that you're sending in 13 00:00:35.560 --> 00:00:38.359 on Instagram. My handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at 14 00:00:38.479 --> 00:00:41.759 dr Wendy Walsh. Reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm a 15 00:00:41.759 --> 00:00:46.679 psychology professor. But I did write a dissertation on attachment theory, 16 00:00:46.920 --> 00:00:50.039 wrote three books on relationships, and been to a lot 17 00:00:50.039 --> 00:00:53.960 of therapy myself. So let's get into it. Dear doctor Wendy. 18 00:00:54.159 --> 00:00:57.399 I don't want to spend hours and hours with someone 19 00:00:57.600 --> 00:01:01.000 every time we hang out. I'm ok. With seeing someone 20 00:01:01.039 --> 00:01:04.159 for two to three hours once a week. I don't 21 00:01:04.159 --> 00:01:08.560 know how to communicate this without sounding awful. It's just 22 00:01:08.640 --> 00:01:12.120 my preference to not immerse myself in a man. Oh 23 00:01:12.120 --> 00:01:14.359 this woman writing this in a man right away? Or 24 00:01:14.439 --> 00:01:17.480 alter my life too much? How should I tell him? 25 00:01:19.079 --> 00:01:23.200 I don't know you, and I don't want to diagnose you, 26 00:01:23.400 --> 00:01:26.680 but this shore sounds to me like the voice of 27 00:01:26.760 --> 00:01:30.959 somebody with an avoidant detachment style. You see, people who 28 00:01:31.159 --> 00:01:38.159 desire a secure relationship are not afraid of intimacy, not 29 00:01:38.280 --> 00:01:42.040 afraid of closeness. I will agree with you on one thing. 30 00:01:42.400 --> 00:01:45.400 If you're just beginning to date somebody, you don't need 31 00:01:45.439 --> 00:01:47.640 to spend more than two or three hours with them 32 00:01:47.879 --> 00:01:51.120 on any given date. I heard recently from someone who said, oh, 33 00:01:51.159 --> 00:01:53.359 I met the greatest guy in our first date lasted 34 00:01:53.400 --> 00:01:56.239 seven hours. I want to smack her across the face. No, 35 00:01:56.280 --> 00:01:57.959 I wouldn't really, But has I had that thought like, 36 00:01:58.000 --> 00:02:00.480 oh my god, she should not? Kayla, you just looked 37 00:02:00.519 --> 00:02:02.640 at me like I was a mean mom. I thought 38 00:02:02.680 --> 00:02:04.920 you're talking about me. No, No, it would doesn't mean 39 00:02:04.959 --> 00:02:06.079 did you have a date? I told you how to 40 00:02:06.159 --> 00:02:07.760 date that last of six hours? You're like, that's way 41 00:02:07.760 --> 00:02:09.400 too much time. It is too much time. But I've 42 00:02:09.400 --> 00:02:11.639 met someone else, so you're not alone. Other women make 43 00:02:11.680 --> 00:02:13.879 that same mistake. I met another woman who said she 44 00:02:13.919 --> 00:02:16.520 did it for seven hours and then she met him 45 00:02:16.520 --> 00:02:19.120 the next day for another seven hours. Too much, too much, 46 00:02:19.120 --> 00:02:21.719 way too much, way too much. So I like the 47 00:02:21.759 --> 00:02:25.240 short dates, but the frequency, this whole thing of I 48 00:02:25.280 --> 00:02:27.240 don't really want to alter my life for a man. 49 00:02:27.479 --> 00:02:30.319 I don't want to get too close. I feel awful. 50 00:02:31.000 --> 00:02:34.319 I don't know. You know, if you're comfortable, then I 51 00:02:34.319 --> 00:02:38.159 would just say it. Just tell people, because it's not 52 00:02:38.280 --> 00:02:41.719 like having an avoidant attachment style is dysfunctional for you. 53 00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:44.400 It's working for you. But what you need to do 54 00:02:44.520 --> 00:02:46.719 is find another person who has an avoidant detachment style. 55 00:02:46.719 --> 00:02:48.879 You guys will be perfect together. You will live like 56 00:02:49.199 --> 00:02:52.560 polite roommates in your life. There'll be no intimacy and 57 00:02:52.599 --> 00:02:55.120 you'll be fine. There won't even be a lot of fighting, probably, 58 00:02:55.439 --> 00:02:58.479 So you just gotta be honest with those people. Honesty 59 00:02:58.960 --> 00:03:02.319 is the best policy. I already talked about that, all right. 60 00:03:02.520 --> 00:03:06.039 Moving on, dear doctor Wendy. I dated a guy in 61 00:03:06.080 --> 00:03:08.639 twenty twenty. We dated for a long time, but we 62 00:03:08.719 --> 00:03:12.280 never became official boyfriend and girlfriend. Well that's your fault, 63 00:03:12.360 --> 00:03:13.560 just saying okay, so I had to throw that in. 64 00:03:14.000 --> 00:03:17.240 He told me he was healing himself with his therapist 65 00:03:17.599 --> 00:03:20.639 and didn't want a relationship until he heals. So I 66 00:03:20.759 --> 00:03:23.919 just want to pause and interject something here. You said 67 00:03:24.560 --> 00:03:29.319 we dated for a long time. Then you said he 68 00:03:29.360 --> 00:03:33.319 didn't want a relationship until he healed. I have some 69 00:03:33.439 --> 00:03:37.759 news for you. You were having a relationship, and so 70 00:03:38.080 --> 00:03:42.719 was he just throwing that out there. I realized that 71 00:03:42.840 --> 00:03:45.120 was an excuse and moved on with my life. We 72 00:03:45.199 --> 00:03:48.319 are still friends. This week, he told me he loves 73 00:03:48.360 --> 00:03:51.439 me and he thinks about me every day. Should I 74 00:03:51.439 --> 00:03:55.639 give another chance? I do love him, but he never 75 00:03:55.759 --> 00:03:59.280 moved forward with me the last time. Oh this is 76 00:03:59.280 --> 00:04:02.560 a good one. I have a good answer here. Okay. 77 00:04:03.319 --> 00:04:07.719 First of all, in general, the best predictor of somebody's 78 00:04:07.759 --> 00:04:12.479 future behavior is always their past behavior. If you go 79 00:04:12.639 --> 00:04:16.079 back to the same system you had before, he will 80 00:04:16.120 --> 00:04:21.399 behave the same way. So the answer is if you 81 00:04:21.519 --> 00:04:23.720 do choose to give him another chance. I actually kind 82 00:04:23.720 --> 00:04:25.279 of think it's a good idea, especially if he's working 83 00:04:25.279 --> 00:04:29.439 with a therapist, that you're gonna say, okay, but we 84 00:04:29.519 --> 00:04:32.000 need to do it differently, this way, this time, and 85 00:04:32.079 --> 00:04:35.360 here's how I want it to be different. You might suggest, 86 00:04:35.480 --> 00:04:38.759 because you said we dated for a long time, you 87 00:04:38.839 --> 00:04:41.199 might suggest, why don't we go to couple's therapy together 88 00:04:41.519 --> 00:04:44.439 so we can create a different system together as we 89 00:04:44.519 --> 00:04:48.079 build this. Or you could say, hear the things that 90 00:04:48.160 --> 00:04:51.319 bothered me about last time, how it never moved forward. 91 00:04:52.120 --> 00:04:54.759 Or you could say, hey, if you say you love 92 00:04:54.839 --> 00:04:57.279 me and I have those feelings too, then from the 93 00:04:57.319 --> 00:05:00.040 get go, let's be boyfriend and girlfriend. Let's not I 94 00:05:00.079 --> 00:05:04.120 have undefined nonsense. You already know this person. Remember you 95 00:05:04.240 --> 00:05:07.600 dated for a long time, so I would set up 96 00:05:07.600 --> 00:05:11.600 the boundaries definitely, and I might give them another chance. 97 00:05:12.160 --> 00:05:16.319 Do went to therapy? That's good, all right, dear doctor Wendy. 98 00:05:16.360 --> 00:05:19.480 My husband quit his job to become an actor. Oh god, 99 00:05:19.560 --> 00:05:22.399 this is heartbreaking. As soon as I read that sentence, 100 00:05:22.439 --> 00:05:29.800 I'm heartbroken. Quit his job to become an actor. You 101 00:05:29.839 --> 00:05:31.959 know what, I had a friend. I'm none even reading 102 00:05:31.959 --> 00:05:34.199 the rest yet until I just jump in and say this. 103 00:05:34.639 --> 00:05:37.279 I had a friend. She and I had modeled together 104 00:05:37.319 --> 00:05:40.600 when we were young, and then she moved to Texas 105 00:05:40.639 --> 00:05:43.040 and she married, you know, to a typical story of 106 00:05:43.079 --> 00:05:46.759 a model. She married a successful guy, had three kids 107 00:05:47.040 --> 00:05:49.519 once they became teenagers because she married young and had 108 00:05:49.519 --> 00:05:52.000 them so she was still youngish. And she came out 109 00:05:52.040 --> 00:05:54.480 to LA and said, I don't know what it is, 110 00:05:54.519 --> 00:05:56.959 but I just got the bug. I got the acting bug. 111 00:05:57.439 --> 00:05:58.279 She's from Texas. 112 00:05:58.360 --> 00:05:59.000 She can talk like that. 113 00:05:59.040 --> 00:06:01.399 Am I making fun of her? She got a book? No, 114 00:06:01.480 --> 00:06:05.879 I you do Texas very well, but she got an 115 00:06:05.879 --> 00:06:09.720 acting book. And so I remember she came over to 116 00:06:09.920 --> 00:06:12.399 LA and she called some of her high flutin friends 117 00:06:12.399 --> 00:06:14.399 who had contacts, and she had a lunch with like 118 00:06:14.480 --> 00:06:17.199 Mike Ovitz or something at his private Malibu house. I'm like, 119 00:06:17.399 --> 00:06:18.920 I don't know if that sounds like all business, but 120 00:06:18.959 --> 00:06:23.720 okay whatever. So I sat her down to lunch one day. 121 00:06:24.040 --> 00:06:27.680 You know again, I'm a truth teller and a heartbreaker. 122 00:06:28.120 --> 00:06:30.600 I'm such a mirror and reality check. And I said 123 00:06:30.639 --> 00:06:33.600 to her, why do you really want to become an actor? 124 00:06:33.639 --> 00:06:35.959 And she said, well, I just had the book. And 125 00:06:36.040 --> 00:06:39.560 I said, you know, acting is about having a limelight 126 00:06:40.360 --> 00:06:43.800 sean on you. It's about having a little entourage around you. 127 00:06:43.800 --> 00:06:47.519 It's about having a people applaud you. I'm wondering if 128 00:06:47.519 --> 00:06:51.160 you're feeling unloved in your life at home, if you're 129 00:06:51.160 --> 00:06:54.879 feeling ignored, if you're not getting enough attention. Look, it 130 00:06:54.920 --> 00:06:57.800 wasn't therapy. I was being a friend and I had 131 00:06:57.839 --> 00:07:01.639 a wondering. Okay, so I said it to her anyway. 132 00:07:02.720 --> 00:07:05.800 She said to me, you're so deep. I think you're right. 133 00:07:06.319 --> 00:07:10.519 Started crying. Went back to Texas, got a therapist, patched 134 00:07:10.519 --> 00:07:13.160 it up with her husband, and seems, I'm just looking 135 00:07:13.160 --> 00:07:16.160 at her on social media, seems beautiful and happy. So 136 00:07:16.360 --> 00:07:20.240 there you go. All right, back to this couple. Dear doctor, Wendy, 137 00:07:20.399 --> 00:07:22.720 my husband quit his job to become an actor. Wait, 138 00:07:22.720 --> 00:07:25.519 there's another sentence, Kayla, you're gonna love. We are in 139 00:07:25.560 --> 00:07:29.959 our late fifties. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm 140 00:07:30.000 --> 00:07:34.279 heartbroken for her, heartbreaking. And then the next sentence, he's 141 00:07:34.319 --> 00:07:38.759 not very good at acting. I'm sorry. If you're listening, 142 00:07:38.959 --> 00:07:41.800 I'm sorry, if you're listening, it's just so painful, it's 143 00:07:41.800 --> 00:07:47.879 so heartbreaking. Wait, next sentence, I'm gonna review. Okay, everybody, 144 00:07:48.040 --> 00:07:50.360 my husband quit his job to become an actor. Point 145 00:07:50.399 --> 00:07:53.279 number one, point number two. We are in our late fifties. 146 00:07:53.560 --> 00:07:55.399 You all know it's a young person's game, all right. 147 00:07:55.759 --> 00:08:00.199 Point number three, he's not very good at acting. That's 148 00:08:00.199 --> 00:08:02.959 her opinion. We don't know the truth there. Point number four, 149 00:08:03.519 --> 00:08:07.720 this is stressing me out. And then the question how 150 00:08:07.720 --> 00:08:10.800 can I gently tell him to get his crap together? Okay, 151 00:08:10.839 --> 00:08:15.920 the word gentle doesn't need to be there. Okay, you 152 00:08:15.959 --> 00:08:19.319 need to say, dude, make yourself happy. But I'm not 153 00:08:19.439 --> 00:08:21.319 hanging around while you run around to a bunch of 154 00:08:21.360 --> 00:08:24.000 auditions and go to parties and meet starlets and whatever. 155 00:08:24.360 --> 00:08:26.639 Why are you doing it? What is up? Right? You guys? 156 00:08:26.680 --> 00:08:28.959 Should you should demand if you want to keep the marriage, 157 00:08:29.360 --> 00:08:31.920 demand you go to couple's therapy and go what is up? 158 00:08:32.000 --> 00:08:36.000 I mean, I understand it's time to find yourself. But look, 159 00:08:36.039 --> 00:08:38.200 I went through a phase in my late forties where 160 00:08:38.200 --> 00:08:41.000 I thought, maybe I still could join the New York 161 00:08:41.039 --> 00:08:44.159 City Ballet. Maybe there's a chance, right, I mean, we 162 00:08:44.240 --> 00:08:48.120 have these fantasies. Look, the chance of a young hot 163 00:08:48.200 --> 00:08:52.519 person in their twenties becoming successful and earning a living, 164 00:08:52.559 --> 00:08:55.639 not even famous, just earning a living in the entertainment 165 00:08:55.639 --> 00:09:00.000 business is very slim. In your fifties, It's even slimmer 166 00:09:00.559 --> 00:09:02.960 there are fewer parts. It's hard to break in. You 167 00:09:02.960 --> 00:09:05.639 don't have the contacts. They would rather hire an actor 168 00:09:05.679 --> 00:09:08.720 in their fifties who's had thirty years of experience in 169 00:09:08.799 --> 00:09:12.840 the business. So I'm sorry to burst your bubble. You 170 00:09:12.840 --> 00:09:15.679 know what's gonna happen, Kayla, She's gonna take this segment 171 00:09:15.799 --> 00:09:18.360 from the iHeartRadio app. She's gonna send it to her 172 00:09:18.440 --> 00:09:21.200 husband with all the laughter, Wendy, he will cry. I 173 00:09:21.240 --> 00:09:22.000 know we can't. 174 00:09:22.200 --> 00:09:22.799 Don't send it. 175 00:09:22.840 --> 00:09:25.279 Sometimes you have to give people the gift. Oh JESU. 176 00:09:27.960 --> 00:09:30.039 All right, when we come back, I'm gonna continue answering 177 00:09:30.080 --> 00:09:32.519 your relationship questions. Thank you for trusting me. I promise 178 00:09:32.519 --> 00:09:34.080 I'm gonna try not to laugh next time, but I 179 00:09:34.200 --> 00:09:38.320 know I'm laughing out of It's like Yallow's humor. It's sad, 180 00:09:38.559 --> 00:09:41.080 breaks my heart. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wells 181 00:09:41.120 --> 00:09:43.960 Show on KFI AM six forty with Live Everywhere on 182 00:09:44.000 --> 00:09:45.080 the iHeartRadio App. 183 00:09:46.080 --> 00:09:50.320 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 184 00:09:50.519 --> 00:09:51.480 AM six forty. 185 00:09:53.320 --> 00:09:55.399 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wells Show on KFI 186 00:09:55.559 --> 00:09:59.320 AM six forty, Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app I 187 00:09:59.440 --> 00:10:01.679 am weighing on your love life. You send me a 188 00:10:01.759 --> 00:10:05.960 DM on Instagram, follow me on Instagram at dr Wendy 189 00:10:06.000 --> 00:10:08.440 Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh, and send me a private message. 190 00:10:08.559 --> 00:10:12.639 I do not disclose your name. I try to not 191 00:10:12.759 --> 00:10:16.159 reveal any details about your identity, and I try really 192 00:10:16.159 --> 00:10:19.919 hard not to laugh unless it's so heartbreaking that I'm 193 00:10:19.960 --> 00:10:23.120 going to cry. Unless I giggle. That was last segment. Okay, 194 00:10:23.600 --> 00:10:25.960 dear doctor Wendy, I have been with my wife since 195 00:10:26.000 --> 00:10:29.279 we were teenagers. Oh that's so sweet. I don't know 196 00:10:29.399 --> 00:10:33.519 life without her. We just aren't compatible. In our forties. 197 00:10:34.159 --> 00:10:38.240 We tried therapy and nothing changed. She doesn't understand that 198 00:10:38.320 --> 00:10:43.039 I don't feel appreciated. Is there any way to save us? 199 00:10:43.600 --> 00:10:47.120 I have only one thing to say. That's a question 200 00:10:47.240 --> 00:10:51.120 for the two of you to ask each other in 201 00:10:51.200 --> 00:10:55.799 a therapist's office. This might be the beginning of you 202 00:10:55.840 --> 00:11:00.159 guys doing some conscious uncoupling. I know you said and 203 00:11:00.759 --> 00:11:04.919 you don't know life without her, but that doesn't mean 204 00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:09.000 that life without her might not be great. You also said, 205 00:11:09.120 --> 00:11:14.720 she doesn't understand that you don't feel appreciated. Your therapist 206 00:11:14.759 --> 00:11:17.000 is going to help you figure out whether it's about 207 00:11:17.000 --> 00:11:20.799 something she's doing or something that's going on internally with you, 208 00:11:21.559 --> 00:11:23.919 Like no one could make you feel appreciated because you 209 00:11:23.960 --> 00:11:27.120 don't appreciate yourself. I don't know. I don't know the answer, 210 00:11:28.200 --> 00:11:31.480 but I think the two of you need to talk 211 00:11:31.519 --> 00:11:36.080 about whether to go forward or not together. And don't 212 00:11:36.080 --> 00:11:40.080 be afraid of the future. Don't be afraid of change. 213 00:11:40.240 --> 00:11:45.799 You've been together like twenty five years. That's a successful 214 00:11:45.840 --> 00:11:50.279 relationship even if it culminates, So never feel like it's 215 00:11:50.279 --> 00:11:54.480 a failure. But people change across a lifespan. They do. 216 00:11:56.720 --> 00:12:03.960 Dear doctor Wendy ah, very honest, simple listener wrote this 217 00:12:04.039 --> 00:12:07.919 to me, my son is gay. I never would have 218 00:12:07.960 --> 00:12:13.039 guessed what are the best ways to support him? You know, 219 00:12:13.120 --> 00:12:15.679 I was reading the New York Times writes these things 220 00:12:15.720 --> 00:12:18.120 called tiny love stories, and there was one from a 221 00:12:18.120 --> 00:12:19.399 actually a couple of years ago. I was took a 222 00:12:19.440 --> 00:12:23.360 deep dive into some backstuff, back pages, and this young 223 00:12:23.399 --> 00:12:27.360 woman said that it was so hard for her, at 224 00:12:27.399 --> 00:12:30.879 the age of eighteen to tell her mom that she 225 00:12:31.039 --> 00:12:36.240 was gay. She said, coincidentally, her mom had always called 226 00:12:36.240 --> 00:12:39.320 her her rainbow child's and she was little because she 227 00:12:39.399 --> 00:12:42.200 thought of rainbows as happiness and pot of gold at 228 00:12:42.200 --> 00:12:44.360 the end of the rainbow. It had always been her nickname, 229 00:12:45.240 --> 00:12:49.919 and her mom's reaction was sort of nothing, not positive, 230 00:12:49.960 --> 00:12:53.240 not negative. She really wasn't sure how her mom took it. 231 00:12:54.159 --> 00:12:56.200 And one time she was away at college and for 232 00:12:56.240 --> 00:13:01.639 her birthday, her mom sent her a huge box of 233 00:13:01.759 --> 00:13:06.919 rainbow colored goldfish crackers to snack on. Don't ask me 234 00:13:06.960 --> 00:13:09.960 about the dies and those things, and her mom said, 235 00:13:10.360 --> 00:13:15.120 did you get it rainbow crackers for my rainbow child? 236 00:13:16.120 --> 00:13:18.600 And she said, at that moment, I knew my mother 237 00:13:18.639 --> 00:13:23.320 loved me deeply, no matter what. So the answer is, 238 00:13:24.440 --> 00:13:30.600 your son is your son, and love is love. There's 239 00:13:30.679 --> 00:13:32.879 no when you say how do you support him? You 240 00:13:32.919 --> 00:13:35.519 support him the way you would support any other child 241 00:13:35.639 --> 00:13:39.639 you have. You love them, you care about them. You 242 00:13:39.679 --> 00:13:43.320 don't necessarily have to be intrusive about their love lives 243 00:13:43.320 --> 00:13:46.679 if you don't want to know, or you can say, hey, 244 00:13:47.080 --> 00:13:50.840 I'm supportive, I love you. I want you to choose 245 00:13:50.840 --> 00:13:52.879 a partner who loves you as much as I love you, 246 00:13:53.720 --> 00:14:01.879 and whatever whoever you are, your mine. You do you 247 00:14:01.960 --> 00:14:08.519 remind your kid that they are loved unconditionally, all right? Uh, 248 00:14:08.559 --> 00:14:11.639 Dear doctor, Wendy. I found out that a guy I 249 00:14:11.759 --> 00:14:14.840 was dating went through my phone. He confronted me about 250 00:14:14.840 --> 00:14:18.279 someone else I am dating. I feel this is a violation. 251 00:14:18.840 --> 00:14:21.320 How do I tell him never to ever do this again? 252 00:14:21.919 --> 00:14:24.240 Or should I just leave him? We've only been dating 253 00:14:24.279 --> 00:14:26.919 for four months. Well, there are a few things here 254 00:14:26.960 --> 00:14:30.399 I want to talk about. First of all, he's testing you, right, 255 00:14:30.440 --> 00:14:34.600 he's testing the control things. He violated your trust, he 256 00:14:34.759 --> 00:14:38.759 violated your privacy. You should be very upset about that. 257 00:14:39.559 --> 00:14:43.200 On the other hand, you said you were dating somebody else. 258 00:14:44.360 --> 00:14:46.759 I don't know if this guy who went through your 259 00:14:46.840 --> 00:14:49.879 phone thought he was exclusive with you, had you had 260 00:14:49.879 --> 00:14:54.320 the conversation. So how much is it on you that 261 00:14:54.639 --> 00:14:58.120 he had this perception? Now if you say, well, we 262 00:14:58.240 --> 00:15:00.759 just never had the conversation. So if we don't the conversation, 263 00:15:01.360 --> 00:15:04.519 maybe I could be dating more people. Right. So, I 264 00:15:04.559 --> 00:15:08.240 think what's really important with everybody out there is that 265 00:15:08.279 --> 00:15:11.440 when in the early stages of dating, especially once you 266 00:15:11.559 --> 00:15:14.240 enter a sexual relationship, is you start to be clear. 267 00:15:14.919 --> 00:15:18.840 You start to be clear about you know, what the 268 00:15:18.879 --> 00:15:21.639 boundaries are, what the rules are, whether you're exclusive or not, 269 00:15:21.720 --> 00:15:24.399 whether you're public, blah blah blah, blah blah, and if 270 00:15:24.440 --> 00:15:28.279 you haven't done that, So let's assume. I'm just going 271 00:15:28.320 --> 00:15:31.080 to assume here that the two of you never had 272 00:15:31.080 --> 00:15:35.399 the conversation about exclusivity, and so you assumed it's okay 273 00:15:35.440 --> 00:15:38.480 to date other people. He went through your phone saw 274 00:15:38.480 --> 00:15:41.279 that indeed you were dating other people. It's a big 275 00:15:41.320 --> 00:15:45.279 mess right now, Okay. I will say that this was 276 00:15:45.320 --> 00:15:48.200 a test to see what you could tolerate because you've 277 00:15:48.200 --> 00:15:50.519 only been dating in four months, and there's obviously somebody 278 00:15:50.519 --> 00:15:53.279 else you can be dating. I would, this is me, 279 00:15:53.279 --> 00:15:56.559 me and my personal opinion in my life, I would 280 00:15:56.639 --> 00:15:59.600 call it a red flag and leave him because if 281 00:15:59.639 --> 00:16:03.720 he's go I went through your phone already, later he's 282 00:16:03.759 --> 00:16:06.440 going to become your stalker. Like that is such a 283 00:16:06.559 --> 00:16:10.559 violation and such a betrayal. So for me, I'd be like, 284 00:16:11.360 --> 00:16:16.480 you know what, dude, we were not exclusive, if that's true, 285 00:16:17.360 --> 00:16:20.200 and so you had no right to violate my privacy. 286 00:16:20.519 --> 00:16:22.320 So I don't think we could see each other anymore 287 00:16:22.440 --> 00:16:25.919 because it's only going to get worse. Trust me. Hey, 288 00:16:25.960 --> 00:16:28.799 when we come back, people often ask me what's a 289 00:16:28.919 --> 00:16:33.240 normal love life? What is typical? Right? Let me tell 290 00:16:33.279 --> 00:16:35.240 you what I think A normal love life is when 291 00:16:35.279 --> 00:16:37.039 we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy 292 00:16:37.039 --> 00:16:40.360 Wall Show on KFI AM six forty with Live everywhere 293 00:16:40.639 --> 00:16:42.000 on the iHeartRadio app. 294 00:16:42.440 --> 00:16:46.679 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 295 00:16:46.879 --> 00:16:47.840 AM six forty. 296 00:16:48.039 --> 00:16:50.879 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI 297 00:16:51.000 --> 00:16:55.639 AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. You know, 298 00:16:55.759 --> 00:16:58.159 the probably the most common question I get is what's normal? 299 00:16:58.720 --> 00:16:59.440 Am I? Normal? 300 00:16:59.799 --> 00:17:01.600 Is normal? Is this typical? 301 00:17:02.360 --> 00:17:05.519 Let me tell you there's no such thing as normal 302 00:17:05.759 --> 00:17:10.400 when it comes to dating, mating, and relating. We have 303 00:17:10.519 --> 00:17:15.160 the widest range of dating and bonding behavior, sexual behavior, 304 00:17:15.920 --> 00:17:21.079 and paternal investment. Paternal investment fathers investing in kids of 305 00:17:21.200 --> 00:17:26.160 any primate species. Literally, there are guys out there who's 306 00:17:26.200 --> 00:17:30.039 only investment in their offspring we know them is one 307 00:17:30.079 --> 00:17:35.440 teaspoon of sperm elon well he puts some finances into. 308 00:17:36.279 --> 00:17:39.319 And then there are other men who are carpool driving, 309 00:17:39.759 --> 00:17:45.519 softball throwing, baby wearing, doting dads right, and we have 310 00:17:45.880 --> 00:17:50.519 everything in between. We also have men and women who 311 00:17:50.519 --> 00:17:55.759 are complete players, not monogamous ever, not gonna happen. And 312 00:17:55.880 --> 00:18:00.279 other people of all genders who are completely monogamous cross 313 00:18:00.279 --> 00:18:03.400 a lifespan might have you know, one or two or 314 00:18:03.440 --> 00:18:07.160 three stints of monogamy. By the way, do you want 315 00:18:07.160 --> 00:18:09.960 to know how anthropologists tell how much monogamy is in 316 00:18:10.039 --> 00:18:13.640 a species. They look at the size of their scrotum. Yeah, 317 00:18:13.759 --> 00:18:19.440 listen to this. So at one end you've got chimpanzees. 318 00:18:20.400 --> 00:18:23.960 Their scrotum are particularly large relative to body size. They 319 00:18:24.000 --> 00:18:28.720 tend to be very promiscuous, very sexual, very violent, all 320 00:18:28.720 --> 00:18:32.559 that testosterone. If there's a nursing mother, they practice in 321 00:18:32.680 --> 00:18:35.960 fantaside and kill the baby to make her fertile again, 322 00:18:36.279 --> 00:18:38.599 and there's a lot of rape that goes on. Crazy. 323 00:18:38.720 --> 00:18:40.720 I don't want to be around chimps. And then there's 324 00:18:40.759 --> 00:18:44.680 like orangutans at the other end, they're like big hulking bodies, 325 00:18:45.160 --> 00:18:51.160 little tiny chestnuts, kind of monogamous, very paternalistic. And you 326 00:18:51.200 --> 00:18:53.839 know what we have with Homo sapien. That would be us. 327 00:18:54.160 --> 00:18:58.839 We have everything. We have the widest range of mating 328 00:18:58.920 --> 00:19:06.519 behavior and parenting behavior. However, culture matters. Humans have lots 329 00:19:06.519 --> 00:19:11.799 of cultural variations. For instance, capitalism and patriarchy, which are 330 00:19:11.839 --> 00:19:19.960 cultural inventions, really favor nuclear families in capitalism and patriarchy. 331 00:19:20.359 --> 00:19:24.079 We don't have a group childcare, etc. We don't have 332 00:19:24.200 --> 00:19:27.880 subsidized childcare in the workplace. We have Mom and dad 333 00:19:27.920 --> 00:19:31.039 should try to do it. It's all on you. Religion 334 00:19:31.119 --> 00:19:34.880 might be a cultural factor. The Abrahamic religions, Judeo Christian, 335 00:19:34.960 --> 00:19:40.279 Muslim favor in group mating people in the parish because 336 00:19:40.279 --> 00:19:46.839 they want to keep membership in their club. Also, developmental 337 00:19:46.880 --> 00:19:53.480 stages matter, and our developmental growth stages of individual humans 338 00:19:53.480 --> 00:19:57.839 has been shifting. You know, in nineteen fifty a twenty 339 00:19:57.880 --> 00:20:01.640 five year old man was married, had a mortgage and 340 00:20:01.680 --> 00:20:06.880 two kids. Today people are launching much later. But that 341 00:20:06.920 --> 00:20:12.240 brings other problems in relationship because fertility matters. We might 342 00:20:12.279 --> 00:20:16.039 be dating and marrying later, but our biological fertility windows 343 00:20:16.039 --> 00:20:18.400 have not shifted. And before you stop there and go 344 00:20:18.759 --> 00:20:21.720 it's a women's problem. All kinds of new research is 345 00:20:21.759 --> 00:20:24.200 showing that if men have babies later in life, their 346 00:20:24.279 --> 00:20:27.200 kids have a much higher rate of autism. Lots of 347 00:20:27.359 --> 00:20:32.319 push on that, lots of evidence. So we are trying 348 00:20:32.359 --> 00:20:35.079 to use technology to deal with the fact that our 349 00:20:35.119 --> 00:20:39.440 biological windows have not changed. Things like egg freezing in 350 00:20:39.559 --> 00:20:45.319 vitro fertilization surrogacy. I want to remind you that breakups 351 00:20:45.319 --> 00:20:50.799 and divorce are normal, They are not failures. So what 352 00:20:51.160 --> 00:20:55.720 is a somewhat typical pattern of relationship life? After I 353 00:20:55.759 --> 00:20:57.759 told you there's so much variety, let's talk about what's 354 00:20:57.839 --> 00:21:01.319 kind of typical. Well, first of all, nowadays, dating and 355 00:21:01.359 --> 00:21:06.359 sexual exploration in our teenage and twenties is the norm. 356 00:21:06.680 --> 00:21:09.160 I should tell you. As of twenty twenty two, the 357 00:21:09.240 --> 00:21:12.079 median age for first time marriage in the United States 358 00:21:12.519 --> 00:21:15.480 listen to this is thirty and a half years for 359 00:21:15.599 --> 00:21:19.599 men and twenty eight point six years for women. That means, 360 00:21:19.640 --> 00:21:21.839 by that age, if you're out in the mating marketplace, 361 00:21:22.319 --> 00:21:25.359 by the age of thirty, half the men are off 362 00:21:25.359 --> 00:21:27.880 the market. Half the men are off the market, and 363 00:21:27.920 --> 00:21:30.200 the ones that are still in the market same with 364 00:21:30.240 --> 00:21:35.200 the women half. All right. States with the lowest median 365 00:21:35.279 --> 00:21:38.799 age at first time marriage Utah, of course, twenty six 366 00:21:38.839 --> 00:21:42.880 for men, twenty four for women, Idaho, Arkansas, and Wyoming. 367 00:21:43.759 --> 00:21:47.640 Then at a certain point, people divorce. Here's another interesting 368 00:21:47.680 --> 00:21:51.519 stat The average age of first time divorce is thirty 369 00:21:51.559 --> 00:21:54.279 and a half for men and twenty nine for women. 370 00:21:54.599 --> 00:21:57.640 It's about the same and the average duration of that 371 00:21:57.680 --> 00:21:59.880 marriage is about seven years. So look what we're saying, 372 00:22:00.440 --> 00:22:04.960 don't get married under the age of twenty five, because 373 00:22:04.960 --> 00:22:08.680 that's when you have the highest divorce rate. But the 374 00:22:08.759 --> 00:22:12.880 other group where divorce rates are flying up are people 375 00:22:13.000 --> 00:22:15.640 over the age of fifty because we're living so much longer. 376 00:22:16.240 --> 00:22:18.920 Fifty is the new forty, sixty is the new fifty. 377 00:22:19.200 --> 00:22:22.759 People are realizing they're bored in their relationships or the 378 00:22:22.799 --> 00:22:26.160 purpose of the relationship is over now raising kids or 379 00:22:26.200 --> 00:22:29.000 building a business or whatever it may be, building a household, 380 00:22:29.880 --> 00:22:33.559 and so we're seeing divorce is gray divorce. We call 381 00:22:33.599 --> 00:22:38.240 it gray divorce increasing faster than anything. And back to 382 00:22:38.880 --> 00:22:42.400 mate selection. It used to be that there were only 383 00:22:42.440 --> 00:22:46.160 single people in their twenties, and now there are large 384 00:22:46.160 --> 00:22:50.920 swaths of single people across the lifespan. I mentioned to 385 00:22:50.960 --> 00:22:54.039 you that when till Death to Us part was invented, 386 00:22:54.039 --> 00:22:57.200 death was pretty imminent. And as a result, even if 387 00:22:57.240 --> 00:23:01.920 you're a complete secure attacher, if you have a healthy 388 00:23:02.079 --> 00:23:06.039 relationships and you're very monogamous, that you still may have 389 00:23:06.079 --> 00:23:08.720 two or three long stints of monogamy in your life. 390 00:23:09.079 --> 00:23:11.440 So we have to continue to learn and hone our 391 00:23:11.480 --> 00:23:18.480 relationship skills about mate acquisition, mate retention, and sometimes learning 392 00:23:18.759 --> 00:23:24.640 mate expulsion. This is typical. This is normal. If you 393 00:23:24.680 --> 00:23:27.480 believe a myth that you meet your soulmate once early 394 00:23:27.519 --> 00:23:29.160 in life and you're going to stay with That is 395 00:23:29.240 --> 00:23:31.000 the minority. Now. I know I'm going to get some 396 00:23:31.039 --> 00:23:34.200 talkbacks from you guys on the app and emails from using. 397 00:23:34.200 --> 00:23:36.960 But I met my wife and we've been married forty 398 00:23:37.000 --> 00:23:42.000 five years and we stayed together. Good for you, congratulations 399 00:23:42.119 --> 00:23:44.400 and I'm so glad you were happy, and I'm so 400 00:23:44.559 --> 00:23:49.559 glad it was satisfying to everybody involved. But you're not typical. 401 00:23:50.440 --> 00:23:55.839