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Speaker 1: The Errors of Santa Claus by Stephen Leacock. It was

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Christmas Eve. The Rounds, who lived in the adjoining house

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had been dining with the Joneses. Brown and Jones were

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sitting over wine and walnuts at the table. The others

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had gone upstairs. What are you giving to your boy

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for Christmas? Asked Brown? A train, said Jones. New kind

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o thing automatic. Let's have a look at it, said Brown.

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Jones fetched a parcel from the sideboard and began unwrapping it.

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Ingenious thing, isn't it, he said, goes on its own rails. Queer,

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How kids loved to play with trains, isn't it? Yes,

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assented Brown? How are the rails fixed? Wait, I'll show you,

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said Jones. Just help me to shove these dinner things

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aside and roll back the cloth. There. See you lay

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the rails like that and fastened them at the end.

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So oh, yes, I catch on. Makes a grade dust.

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Isn't it? Just the thing to amuse a child, isn't it?

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I got Willie a toy airplane. I know they're great.

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I got Edwin one on his birthday, but I thought

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i'd get him a train this time. I told him

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Santa Claus was going to bring him something altogether new

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this time. Edwin, of course, believes in Santa Claus. Absolutely.

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Say look at this locomotive, would you. It has a

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spring coiled up inside the firebox. Wind her up, said

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Brown with great interest. Let's see her go all right,

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said Jones. Just pile up two or three plates or

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something to lean the end of the rails on there.

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Notice the way it buzzes before it starts. Isn't that

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a great thing for a kid? Eh? Yes, said Brown?

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And say see this little string to pull the whistle

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by gad it too, just like real now. Then Brown,

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Jones went on, you hitch on those cars and I'll

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start her. I'll be in half an hour later. Brown

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and Jones were still playing trains on the dining room table,

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but their wives upstairs in the drawing room hardly noticed

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their absence. They were too much interested. Oh, I think

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it's perfectly sweet, said missus Brown. Just the loveliest doll

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I've seen in years. I must get one like it

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for Ovina. Won't Clarice be perfectly enchanted, yes, answered missus Jones.

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And then she'll have all the fun of arranging the dresses.

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Children love that so much. Look, there are three little

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dresses with the doll. Aren't they cute? All cut out

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and ready to stitch together? Oh? How perfectly lovely, exclaimed

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Missus Brown. I think the mauve one would suit the

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doll best, don't you with such golden hair? Only, don't

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you think it would make it much nicer to turn

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back the collar so and to put a little band

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a sow? What a good idea, said Missus Jones. Do

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let's try it. Just wait, I'll get a needle in

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a minute. I'll tell Clarice that Santa Claus sowed it himself.

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The child believes in Santa Claus absolutely, And half an

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hour later, Missus Jones and Missus Brown were so busy

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stitching doll's clothes that they could not hear the roaring

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of the little train up and down the dining table,

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and had no idea what the four children were doing,

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Nor did the children miss their mothers dandy, aren't they?

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Edwin Jones was saying to little Willie Brown as they

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sat in Edwin's bedroom. A hundred in a box with

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cork tips and sea an amber mouthpiece that fits into

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a little case at the side. Good present for dad.

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Huh fine, said Willie appreciatively. I'm giving father cigars. I

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know I thought of cigars too. Men always liked cigars

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and cigarettes. You can't go wrong on them. Say would

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you like to try one or two of these cigarettes?

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We can take them from the bottom. You'll like them

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their Russian way ahead of Egyptian, thanks, answered Willie. I'd

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like one immensely. I only started smoking last spring, on

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my twelfth birthday. I think a feller's a fool to

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begin smoking cigarettes too soon, don't you it? Stunts him.

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I waited till I was twelve. Me too, said Edwin,

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as they lighted their cigarettes. In fact, I wouldn't buy

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them now if it weren't for dad. I simply had

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to give him something from Santa Claus. He believes in

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Santa Claus absolutely, you know. And while this was going on,

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Clarice was showing little Ovina the absolutely lovely little bridge

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set that she got for her mother. Aren't these markers

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perfectly charming? Said Olvina. And don't you love this little

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Dutch design or is it Flemish? Darling Dutch? Said Clarice.

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Isn't it quaint? And aren't these the dearest things for

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putting the money in when you play. I needn't have

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got them with it. They'd have sold the rest separately.

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But I think it's too utterly slow playing without money,

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don't you? Oh abominable, shuddered Olvina. But your mama never

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plays for money, does she? Mamma, Oh gracious no, Mama's

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far too slow for that. But I shall tell her

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that Santa Claus insisted on putting in the little money boxes.

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I suppose she believes in Santa Claus, just as my

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mamma does. Oh, absolutely, said Clarice, and added, what if

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we play a little game with a double dummy the

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French way or Norwegian scat if you like? That only

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needs two All right, agreed Olvina, and in a few

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minutes they were deep in a game of cards, with

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a little pile of pocket money beside them. About half

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an hour later, all the members of the two families

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were again in the drawing room, but of course nobody

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said anything about the presence. In any case, they were

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all too busy looking at the beautiful big bible with

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maps in it, that the Joneses had brought to give

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to grandfather. They all agreed that with the help of it,

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Grandfather could hunt up any place in Palestine in a moment,

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day or night. But upstairs, away, upstairs, in a sitting

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room of his own, Grandfather Jones was looking with an

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affectionate eye at the presence that stood beside him. There

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was a beautiful whiskey decanter with silver filigree outside and

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whiskey inside. For Jones, and for the little boy a

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big nickel plated juice harp. Later on, far in the night,

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the person, or the influence, or whatever it is called

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Santa Claus, took all the presents and placed them in

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the people's stockings, and being blind as he always has been,

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he gave the wrong things to the wrong people. In fact,

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he gave them just as indicated above. But the next day,

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in the course of Christmas morning, the situation straightened itself out,

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just as it always does. Indeed, by ten o'clock, Brown

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and Jones were playing with the train, and Missus Brown

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and Missus Jones were making dolls clothes, and the boys

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were smoking cigarettes, and Clarice and Olvina were playing cards

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for their pocket money. And upstairs, away up Grandfather was

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drinking whiskey and playing the Jews harp, and so Christmas,

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just as it always does, turned out all right after all.

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End of the Errors of Santa Claus by Stephen Leecock