WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.360 --> 00:00:06.919 It's possible to have everything in one place and still 2 00:00:06.960 --> 00:00:09.960 feel alone. And maybe that's why my mind latched onto 3 00:00:09.960 --> 00:00:13.119 the sharp citrus aftertaste of the cheap wine, a note 4 00:00:13.160 --> 00:00:16.559 that lingered, trying to disguise itself as fresh, but failing. 5 00:00:17.000 --> 00:00:20.120 Much like this gallery opening, I sat by the window, 6 00:00:20.320 --> 00:00:23.600 half shadowed, in a room swirling with self importance and 7 00:00:23.679 --> 00:00:27.079 gallery lighting, watching people I'd known for years loop from 8 00:00:27.120 --> 00:00:31.879 conversation to conversation in that slightly theatrical way art people have. 9 00:00:32.679 --> 00:00:36.200 I was waiting for Josh, or maybe I was waiting 10 00:00:36.240 --> 00:00:39.280 for an excuse to leave. I kept checking the door, 11 00:00:39.640 --> 00:00:42.600 half hoping to see his familiar slouch and the way 12 00:00:42.640 --> 00:00:45.679 he always scanned a room for me first, even before 13 00:00:45.679 --> 00:00:48.960 he registered the art. I clung to that feeling for 14 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:52.600 as long as I could. He's probably just on his way, 15 00:00:52.840 --> 00:00:55.840 Cam said, touching my arm as he breezed past with 16 00:00:55.880 --> 00:00:59.840 a glass brimming with something turquoise. Text him again, tell 17 00:01:00.159 --> 00:01:04.799 he's missing Bayard's mustache performance. Cam grinned, but his eyes 18 00:01:04.879 --> 00:01:07.560 flit across the room and away, and I couldn't shake 19 00:01:07.640 --> 00:01:11.799 how oddly careful he sounded. I scrolled back through Josh's text, 20 00:01:12.959 --> 00:01:16.079 running over with the group show team, save me some wine. 21 00:01:16.400 --> 00:01:21.040 Promise I'll be there soon, standard Josh, all open loops 22 00:01:21.040 --> 00:01:25.359 and airy promises, but still somehow sincere, I let myself smile, 23 00:01:25.680 --> 00:01:29.120 finger tips restless at the rim of my glass, classic 24 00:01:29.200 --> 00:01:32.359 Josh ha, I said aloud, letting the rooms swallow it. 25 00:01:32.799 --> 00:01:36.920 No one answered. My phone buzzed with a new notification. 26 00:01:37.560 --> 00:01:39.599 For a second I thought it would be him, a 27 00:01:39.719 --> 00:01:42.439 selfie in a cab, the sort of silly update he 28 00:01:42.519 --> 00:01:45.760 threw at me before showing up, needing to know somehow 29 00:01:45.920 --> 00:01:48.560 whether I still wanted him around. But it was a 30 00:01:48.680 --> 00:01:53.640 story alert Josh's handle. I opened it and stared a 31 00:01:53.680 --> 00:01:57.840 flicker of blurred amber, then focus a single candle guttering 32 00:01:57.879 --> 00:02:00.719 in the foreground, the hot curve of a glos and 33 00:02:00.760 --> 00:02:05.120 the dreamy interior of a restaurant I recognized. Not expensive, 34 00:02:05.400 --> 00:02:08.639 not really, but just intimate enough to feel like a treat. 35 00:02:09.280 --> 00:02:11.240 Josh had said he'd be at the coffee shop on 36 00:02:11.439 --> 00:02:14.639 ninth with his work team, hashing out project decks over 37 00:02:14.719 --> 00:02:19.360 burnt lattes. Here there was no coffee, no workshop papers 38 00:02:19.400 --> 00:02:22.800 spread out, just soft light and a nervous glimpse of 39 00:02:22.800 --> 00:02:25.080 his watch in the lower left of the shot a 40 00:02:25.159 --> 00:02:29.479 ring of people's hands, none of them familiar. I waited 41 00:02:29.479 --> 00:02:31.879 for anger, but all I felt was a coil of 42 00:02:31.919 --> 00:02:35.400 bottomless doubt. Maybe he ducked out for dinner, maybe the 43 00:02:35.439 --> 00:02:39.879 team needed real food. Maybe my brain cast for benign explanations. 44 00:02:40.199 --> 00:02:43.400 But the candle, the privacy, the nonchalant way he panned 45 00:02:43.439 --> 00:02:46.479 slightly to the right, as if catching someone's attention. It 46 00:02:46.599 --> 00:02:50.639 felt off. I tried to fix my expression, realizing I 47 00:02:50.759 --> 00:02:54.840 was frowning, and caught Cam's reflection in the window. He 48 00:02:54.960 --> 00:02:57.400 was laughing at the bar, but when my eyes met his, 49 00:02:57.680 --> 00:03:02.439 he hesitated back, straightening, smiled, dimming. When some one mentioned Josh, 50 00:03:02.759 --> 00:03:05.439 just an offhand, I haven't seen Josh yet? Is he 51 00:03:05.520 --> 00:03:09.840 late again? Cam's face tensed, and the whole table pivoted 52 00:03:09.919 --> 00:03:13.800 subject dropped. I turned the glass in my hand, wine 53 00:03:13.800 --> 00:03:16.919 shining dark against the rim, and told myself to relax. 54 00:03:17.560 --> 00:03:23.240 Josh was always magnetic, always everywhere, at once, students, gallery, teams, group, shows, 55 00:03:23.439 --> 00:03:26.479 so many new people as his reputation grew. If anything, 56 00:03:26.520 --> 00:03:28.960 I should be happy he carved a place among these sharks. 57 00:03:29.000 --> 00:03:32.479 I told myself, this was the life we'd built, after all, 58 00:03:32.919 --> 00:03:36.199 art a claim chaos together. But The reaction in the 59 00:03:36.240 --> 00:03:39.719 air was a warning, faint and chemical as static electricity. 60 00:03:40.759 --> 00:03:43.639 I texted him, thinking of leaving soon, When do you 61 00:03:43.680 --> 00:03:46.719 think you'll actually get here? I forced a winking emoji, 62 00:03:46.800 --> 00:03:50.319 then deleted it too clingy. I settled on just let 63 00:03:50.319 --> 00:03:54.360 me know if you can no answer. The crowd shifted 64 00:03:54.400 --> 00:03:57.479 as an artist began an impromptu demo, and for a 65 00:03:57.520 --> 00:04:00.360 bit I tried to lose myself in the motion, but 66 00:04:00.400 --> 00:04:03.039 a part of me stayed fixed on my phone and 67 00:04:03.120 --> 00:04:08.000 the pulsing reminder of unread stories. When Josh finally appeared, 68 00:04:08.080 --> 00:04:11.960 it was almost closing. He breezed in with apologies, hair towsled, 69 00:04:12.199 --> 00:04:15.560 cheeks flushed like he'd run several blocks. He pressed a 70 00:04:15.599 --> 00:04:18.480 kiss to my temple, breath a little warm, and held 71 00:04:18.519 --> 00:04:22.160 me too tightly for a moment. Sorry, babe. Group work 72 00:04:22.199 --> 00:04:25.040 session went way over. You know how these shows are. 73 00:04:26.120 --> 00:04:29.439 I let myself lean in, returning the pressure, cataloging his 74 00:04:29.519 --> 00:04:33.120 faint scent, the trace of two day old cologne, not 75 00:04:33.240 --> 00:04:35.959 the kind I'd given him last Christmas, and a new 76 00:04:36.040 --> 00:04:40.319 detergent note I didn't recognize. He looked tired, genuine, and 77 00:04:40.399 --> 00:04:42.199 I knew what he was going to say before he 78 00:04:42.240 --> 00:04:46.399 said it, Did I miss anything good? You missed Cam 79 00:04:46.439 --> 00:04:49.759 getting glitter bomb by Bayard. I replied the words a 80 00:04:49.759 --> 00:04:53.199 little brittle, but he didn't notice, or he pretended not to. 81 00:04:53.879 --> 00:04:57.120 He spun me gently in a lazy dance, forcing a smile, 82 00:04:57.519 --> 00:05:00.120 and for a few minutes everything was so ordinary and 83 00:05:00.160 --> 00:05:03.759 familiar that my doubts seemed childish, even to me. I 84 00:05:03.879 --> 00:05:06.639 let myself believe it, just long enough to forget the 85 00:05:06.680 --> 00:05:10.360 candle lit photo and the hush in Cam's voice. The 86 00:05:10.439 --> 00:05:14.120 ride home was quiet. We held hands, our knuckles brushing, 87 00:05:14.439 --> 00:05:17.519 but I watched more than listened, as Josh recounted art 88 00:05:17.519 --> 00:05:21.120 world gossip and plans for his next group project, details 89 00:05:21.120 --> 00:05:24.120 floating out in a rush. It was easier in that 90 00:05:24.240 --> 00:05:27.720 moment not to interrogate. I let his words fill the 91 00:05:27.800 --> 00:05:31.600 space between us. Not brave enough yet to look for cracks, 92 00:05:32.160 --> 00:05:35.680 I told myself, maybe some couples thrive on drama, but 93 00:05:35.759 --> 00:05:38.040 we had always worked because we held each other up, 94 00:05:38.160 --> 00:05:42.120 didn't We We d built something real. I tried to 95 00:05:42.120 --> 00:05:46.000 believe it again as the city blurred by. The First 96 00:05:46.079 --> 00:05:49.120 time I met Josh, I was so new, so fake. 97 00:05:49.439 --> 00:05:53.000 He liked to tease me, all desperate enthusiasm and thrift 98 00:05:53.000 --> 00:05:55.920 store blazes and note books packed with lists about what 99 00:05:55.959 --> 00:05:58.879 it meant to make it. He was already a fixture 100 00:05:58.920 --> 00:06:03.000 at those miserable desire conferences, confident enough to skip half 101 00:06:03.040 --> 00:06:06.879 the panels, eyes always drifting toward what wasn't on the agenda. 102 00:06:07.920 --> 00:06:11.560 The panel that forged us was a disaster. The keynote speakers, 103 00:06:11.639 --> 00:06:14.920 Mike went dead, Josh. Then a stranger stood up with 104 00:06:14.959 --> 00:06:17.639 a marker and started sketching the talk on a white board, 105 00:06:17.920 --> 00:06:21.920 turning jargon into color and off handed jokes. The rooms shifted, 106 00:06:22.199 --> 00:06:26.319 everyone focused in, laughing, adding notes, breaking the barrier between 107 00:06:26.399 --> 00:06:31.160 expert and wannabee. I lingered behind, heart thudding, gathering the 108 00:06:31.199 --> 00:06:35.319 courage to introduce myself. We wound up sketching murals on 109 00:06:35.360 --> 00:06:38.319 a concrete wall behind the venue that night, passing the 110 00:06:38.360 --> 00:06:41.319 same two markers back and forth, daring each other with 111 00:06:41.399 --> 00:06:46.120 ideas that felt impossible. Electric color theory is just a suggestion, 112 00:06:46.480 --> 00:06:49.199 he whispered, paint streaking the heel of his hand as 113 00:06:49.240 --> 00:06:53.480 he pressed it into mine. That hand, long, elegant fingers, 114 00:06:53.720 --> 00:06:57.360 always smudged with charcoal or ink, became my home. Before 115 00:06:57.399 --> 00:07:01.600 I realized it, I worked, tangled, quickly. We rented a 116 00:07:01.639 --> 00:07:05.279 sun bleached studio that smelled of coffee and acrylic scraping 117 00:07:05.319 --> 00:07:09.000 rent For those first crazy years. Each morning I'd wake 118 00:07:09.040 --> 00:07:12.040 to the sound of Josh humming, already elbows deep in 119 00:07:12.160 --> 00:07:16.839 concept sketches, laser focused, but always beckoning, Hey, come look, 120 00:07:17.199 --> 00:07:21.000 tell me if this sucks. I needed that, I always have, 121 00:07:21.279 --> 00:07:25.879 even now. My ideas were wild, scattered, His were precise, daring. 122 00:07:26.319 --> 00:07:29.399 I craved his critique, sometimes feared it, but he never 123 00:07:29.480 --> 00:07:32.920 let me run from a challenge. Don't hide, he'd say, 124 00:07:33.279 --> 00:07:36.360 push it out there, trust yourself, or at least pretend 125 00:07:36.399 --> 00:07:39.759 till you do. We learned how to make each other brave. 126 00:07:40.240 --> 00:07:43.079 He called out myself sabotage, with a humor that never 127 00:07:43.120 --> 00:07:45.879 came off as cruel. I did the same for him, 128 00:07:46.079 --> 00:07:50.160 but softer, giving his relentless drive room to breathe. It 129 00:07:50.240 --> 00:07:53.120 was never effortless, but we agreed that was the point. 130 00:07:53.680 --> 00:07:57.160 If one of us sared, the other would anchor. Now, 131 00:07:57.199 --> 00:08:01.079 seven years later, it's still our morning ritual, settling cross 132 00:08:01.160 --> 00:08:03.519 legged on the battered rug in the loft the city, 133 00:08:03.600 --> 00:08:08.000 pressing in outside sketch books, open matching mugs, a silent pack. 134 00:08:08.120 --> 00:08:11.839 To start the day as creators before anything else. Sometimes 135 00:08:11.879 --> 00:08:16.000 our knees touch, sometimes not. Sometimes he teases my color 136 00:08:16.040 --> 00:08:18.839 palette and I roll my eyes, but hear pride in 137 00:08:18.879 --> 00:08:23.120 the jab. Both of us are freelancers, Me mostly branding 138 00:08:23.160 --> 00:08:27.160 and public work, Josh more gallery and curatorial gigs. These days, 139 00:08:27.680 --> 00:08:31.240 we built a real reputation, not just as individual artists, 140 00:08:31.319 --> 00:08:36.039 but as a creative couple that had a weight group, shows, panels, 141 00:08:36.159 --> 00:08:40.879 brunches that blurred from networking into actual friendship. Our circles 142 00:08:40.879 --> 00:08:43.919 overlap so closely it feels like breathing the same air. 143 00:08:45.000 --> 00:08:48.799 The flip side, we have an unspoken scorecard, moments where 144 00:08:48.799 --> 00:08:51.639 his successes feel like a critique of my choices and 145 00:08:51.720 --> 00:08:56.279 mine of his. It's mostly friendly, but sometimes, especially since 146 00:08:56.320 --> 00:08:59.919 his solo shows started booking out, there's an edge. I 147 00:09:00.120 --> 00:09:02.960 worry about whether I'm supporting him enough or holding him back. 148 00:09:03.440 --> 00:09:06.240 Every now and then I have a suspicion he's quietly 149 00:09:06.320 --> 00:09:09.639 asking the same about me. We joke about who made 150 00:09:09.639 --> 00:09:13.440 the riskier leap, who's the real creative genius. Neither of 151 00:09:13.519 --> 00:09:16.720 us admits how much those jokes sting. Sometimes I depend 152 00:09:16.759 --> 00:09:19.399 on him, maybe too much, when the weight of imposter 153 00:09:19.559 --> 00:09:23.240 syndrome drags me down. I crave his blunt honesty, but 154 00:09:23.320 --> 00:09:26.600 I also want to be good enough on my own terms. Josh, 155 00:09:26.720 --> 00:09:30.039 for all his self assurance, has begun carving out space 156 00:09:30.120 --> 00:09:32.759 beyond us, and I think I always feared he'd find 157 00:09:32.799 --> 00:09:36.200 he liked it better. The loft is full of reminders, 158 00:09:36.600 --> 00:09:40.120 our twin desks by the window, overflowing with half finished pieces, 159 00:09:40.440 --> 00:09:43.519 the good brushes drying by the sink, jokes left in 160 00:09:43.559 --> 00:09:46.320 sticky notes on the fridge. Don't drink all the French 161 00:09:46.360 --> 00:09:49.279 press if you want to live sign Jay and our 162 00:09:49.360 --> 00:09:53.279 shared contacts criss crossing in both our calendars. Everything in 163 00:09:53.360 --> 00:09:58.360 our life, work, friends, business is fused. Brunches with the 164 00:09:58.480 --> 00:10:02.799 art crowd happen almost every weekend Cam, who sarcasm hides 165 00:10:02.840 --> 00:10:05.559 how much he roots for us, Marsha, who pulled us 166 00:10:05.600 --> 00:10:09.159 into our first gallery job. Jess and THEO together since 167 00:10:09.279 --> 00:10:12.519 risd always quick to brag on us to any one. 168 00:10:12.519 --> 00:10:16.159 Conversations whine from latest grants to whose peace tanked hardest 169 00:10:16.159 --> 00:10:19.960 at a show. Nobody acts like family quite like this tribe. 170 00:10:20.200 --> 00:10:23.039 But I always worried in some secret place that if 171 00:10:23.080 --> 00:10:26.960 anything tilted, I'd be the weak link that night after 172 00:10:27.000 --> 00:10:30.440 the gallery, Josh fell asleep before me, his arm heavy 173 00:10:30.480 --> 00:10:32.799 around my waist, and I let my head rest on 174 00:10:32.879 --> 00:10:35.639 his chest, listening to the patter of late night rain. 175 00:10:36.480 --> 00:10:40.080 I wanted us to stay like this, grateful, safe, necessary 176 00:10:40.120 --> 00:10:43.960 to each other. Instead, I stared into the darkness, thinking, 177 00:10:44.120 --> 00:10:46.519 if he ever drifted, would I even see it before 178 00:10:46.559 --> 00:10:50.039 it was too late? I told myself then and there 179 00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:52.919 to let go of doubts. He was busy, he was 180 00:10:53.000 --> 00:10:57.440 under pressure, deadlines, shows, always another, maybe project hanging in 181 00:10:57.480 --> 00:11:00.039 the balance. The world would pull us apart if I 182 00:11:00.240 --> 00:11:02.679 let it. So I closed my eyes and made a 183 00:11:02.720 --> 00:11:06.080 promise to keep building, no matter how clumsy or tired 184 00:11:06.120 --> 00:11:09.120 I felt. I just didn't know how quickly that promise 185 00:11:09.159 --> 00:11:13.320 would be tested. A week later, Josh's phone alarm woke 186 00:11:13.399 --> 00:11:17.080 us both at six, a rarity even for him. He 187 00:11:17.200 --> 00:11:20.200 was already out of bed, hunting for his cleanest buttoned 188 00:11:20.200 --> 00:11:23.639 and shirt, smoothing it twice in the bathroom before emerging. 189 00:11:23.960 --> 00:11:27.919 Fingers combed through damp hair. You closing a deal or 190 00:11:27.960 --> 00:11:32.000 going under cover? I teased, sipping coffee at the kitchen island, 191 00:11:32.360 --> 00:11:36.159 sketch book open but mostly abandoned, as I watched him 192 00:11:36.480 --> 00:11:40.000 He grinned, but kept straightening his cuffs. Just a coffee 193 00:11:40.039 --> 00:11:43.279 with a new client, supposed to be a big potential project, 194 00:11:43.720 --> 00:11:46.879 got her impress right, he laughed, but his tone was 195 00:11:46.919 --> 00:11:51.120 off a little thin. Trying to seduce them with cologne too. 196 00:11:51.679 --> 00:11:55.399 I lifted an eyebrow, half joking, half probing. He hated 197 00:11:55.440 --> 00:11:58.840 spending money on shaving cream, but here he was fresh 198 00:11:58.840 --> 00:12:03.720 as date night. He shrugged, smile, holding, Hey, maybe I 199 00:12:03.840 --> 00:12:07.720 finally learned from you. Gotta keep the creative mystik alive, right. 200 00:12:08.840 --> 00:12:12.559 He checked the time twice, pecked my cheek, grabbed his folder, 201 00:12:12.799 --> 00:12:16.000 and ducked out so fast his mug clattered, nearly spilling. 202 00:12:16.679 --> 00:12:19.720 I watched the door swing shut, listening to the echo 203 00:12:20.919 --> 00:12:23.919 round noon. The want of distraction pulled me into tidying 204 00:12:23.919 --> 00:12:27.080 his side of the studio. I gathered up loose receipts, 205 00:12:27.320 --> 00:12:30.639 half finished notes, and an odd, shiny gallery brochure tucked 206 00:12:30.639 --> 00:12:33.960 inside his sketch book. I thumbed it open, half expecting 207 00:12:33.960 --> 00:12:37.320 the usual meet the Artist profels. Instead, the back had 208 00:12:37.360 --> 00:12:40.360 a looping blue pen scrawl mere Dorsey and a phone 209 00:12:40.399 --> 00:12:45.320 number Josh's writing. I blinked, then rolled my shoulders cycling 210 00:12:45.360 --> 00:12:50.759 through explanations, A volunteer, new team member, model gallerist. We 211 00:12:50.879 --> 00:12:55.240 meet fifty people a week, I reminded myself. I slipped 212 00:12:55.240 --> 00:12:58.360 it back into his drawer. There was no reason to dwell, 213 00:12:58.840 --> 00:13:01.679 no reason to imagine he ducked out for anything other 214 00:13:01.720 --> 00:13:05.559 than work. He didn't get home till almost ten. When 215 00:13:05.559 --> 00:13:08.039 he walked in. He dropped his bag and slouched against 216 00:13:08.080 --> 00:13:11.320 the wall, eyes ringed with exhaustion, but not the worn 217 00:13:11.320 --> 00:13:15.120 out pleasure of a deal closed workshop hell, he said, 218 00:13:15.399 --> 00:13:18.879 rolling the tension out of his neck, your worst nightmare, 219 00:13:19.200 --> 00:13:23.639 hours of bad coffee, everybody talking at once. I tried 220 00:13:23.679 --> 00:13:26.360 to laugh, but when I asked who'd finally SHOWNE up? 221 00:13:26.399 --> 00:13:31.559 He hesitated, shoulders tensing the usual mix. Marsha, A couple 222 00:13:31.600 --> 00:13:35.000 of the interns, that guy who always wears shorts year round. 223 00:13:35.360 --> 00:13:39.240 You'd recognize them. I waited, but that was it. He 224 00:13:39.360 --> 00:13:42.720 asked what I'd worked on, snatched his phone, faced down, 225 00:13:42.840 --> 00:13:46.039 off the counter, and shut himself in the studio. I 226 00:13:46.120 --> 00:13:48.759 told myself not to read into it, that late nights 227 00:13:48.799 --> 00:13:52.519 would kill any one's mood. Still, the number nagged me 228 00:13:53.639 --> 00:13:57.080 that week. His phone became a prop, always nestled face down, 229 00:13:57.320 --> 00:14:00.279 never left on a table. I glanced once, but the 230 00:14:00.320 --> 00:14:04.279 lock screen now showed no previews, a tidy, little privacy tweak. 231 00:14:04.840 --> 00:14:07.639 I told myself he must be worried about client leaks. 232 00:14:08.039 --> 00:14:11.159 I didn't mention the brochure. I tried to remind myself 233 00:14:11.200 --> 00:14:15.360 that even good marriages have secrets, small necessary ones if 234 00:14:15.360 --> 00:14:19.360 you want to remain whole. But the suggestion wouldn't leave. 235 00:14:20.440 --> 00:14:24.080 Instead of easing, it hovered an itch, just beneath the surface, 236 00:14:24.279 --> 00:14:27.320 barely out of reach. I half expected him to crack 237 00:14:27.399 --> 00:14:30.759 a joke about it. Hey, you snooped in my stuff again, 238 00:14:31.240 --> 00:14:33.720 But there was only a careful unease, as if he 239 00:14:33.840 --> 00:14:37.600 sensed I had left something out too. A few days later, 240 00:14:37.679 --> 00:14:42.200 while scrolling through tagged photos from gallery events looking for inspiration, 241 00:14:42.399 --> 00:14:45.480 I told myself I paused. Josh showed up in a 242 00:14:45.480 --> 00:14:48.679 snap shot from a party he'd never mentioned. Not just him, 243 00:14:48.960 --> 00:14:52.200 but Mer, the same name on the brochure, whispered close 244 00:14:52.240 --> 00:14:55.039 in the background, her hand on his arm. Both caught 245 00:14:55.080 --> 00:14:58.360 mid laugh. The photo belonged to one of Cam's old 246 00:14:58.399 --> 00:15:02.919 class mates. My stomach twisted. I stared at the screen, 247 00:15:03.240 --> 00:15:06.360 studying the curve of their bodies, just enough space for 248 00:15:06.440 --> 00:15:10.799 plausible deniability, just enough intimacy for a slow acid of doubt. 249 00:15:11.440 --> 00:15:14.519 Josh had said he'd been mentoring at the workshop that night. 250 00:15:15.600 --> 00:15:19.600 I hit up Cam, hoping for clarification or reassurance. He 251 00:15:19.679 --> 00:15:23.080 came by the loft to grab some canvases. Pale sons, 252 00:15:23.120 --> 00:15:26.440 slanted over half finished commissions as he wandered in, picking 253 00:15:26.519 --> 00:15:29.639 up one of Josh's new pieces, turning it over thoughtfully. 254 00:15:30.360 --> 00:15:32.960 So Josh is working with me a lot now, Ha, 255 00:15:33.559 --> 00:15:37.679 guy's got energy for days, he remarked off hand. I 256 00:15:37.759 --> 00:15:41.519 tried for breezy wary. Yeah, seems like it. I don't 257 00:15:41.559 --> 00:15:46.639 really know her, he shrugged, suddenly absorbed in the painting groups. 258 00:15:46.679 --> 00:15:50.759 Stuff's crazy, right, networking, new faces, you know how it is. 259 00:15:51.840 --> 00:15:54.519 I wanted to push since when did Josh take on 260 00:15:54.639 --> 00:15:58.639 sidekicks without saying a word, But Cam busied himself zipping 261 00:15:58.679 --> 00:16:02.600 his tote, gave a chepy good luck finishing before deadline, 262 00:16:03.039 --> 00:16:07.080 and extricated himself before I could ask more. That week 263 00:16:07.240 --> 00:16:09.480 end brunch with the group felt like walking on to 264 00:16:09.519 --> 00:16:13.080 a tilting stage. I watched as conversation rose and fell, 265 00:16:13.279 --> 00:16:16.799 plaits of French toast getting cold. Every one animated until 266 00:16:16.799 --> 00:16:20.240 I offered, Josh has been killing it with that client presentation. 267 00:16:20.440 --> 00:16:24.519 I'm so proud. There was a brief, awkward beat. Marsha 268 00:16:24.559 --> 00:16:27.360 froze eggs half way to her mouth. Some one at 269 00:16:27.360 --> 00:16:29.720 the end of the table Murmur muttered, that was a 270 00:16:29.720 --> 00:16:34.639 group thing, right, Cam's laugh sounded tinny, forced. I laughed, 271 00:16:34.720 --> 00:16:37.399 tried to brush it off, noting how Jess and THEO 272 00:16:37.519 --> 00:16:40.559 glanced at each other. Maybe I was reading in But 273 00:16:40.639 --> 00:16:44.039 when I pressed for details, so what part did Josh handle, 274 00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:47.519 Marsha spooled off into a story about her own work. 275 00:16:47.840 --> 00:16:52.399 Never answering at home, I went looking for facts, opening 276 00:16:52.399 --> 00:16:55.039 his desk drawer on the pretense of finding a sharpener, 277 00:16:55.399 --> 00:16:59.000 I found receipts folded neatly in an envelope, trendy bars 278 00:16:59.000 --> 00:17:02.240 we'd never visited, room charges for a boutique hotel in 279 00:17:02.279 --> 00:17:05.680 the arts district, all posted during hours Josh had claimed 280 00:17:05.720 --> 00:17:10.200 he was running his beginner's workshop. The charges weren't extravagant, 281 00:17:10.240 --> 00:17:15.680 just precise, two drinks, appetizers, one room, one night. Doubt 282 00:17:15.720 --> 00:17:19.400 grew sour in my throat. Still, I told myself, maybe 283 00:17:19.480 --> 00:17:23.519 he's booking the space for team meetings. Maybe he's entertaining gallerists. 284 00:17:23.799 --> 00:17:27.559 I stacked the receipts, smoothing them flat. But the hotel 285 00:17:27.720 --> 00:17:31.200 was easily walking distance from our loft, no reason to 286 00:17:31.240 --> 00:17:34.680 stay over. Josh invited me to the opening of a 287 00:17:34.720 --> 00:17:37.759 new group show he was curating. Asked, for the first 288 00:17:37.759 --> 00:17:40.799 time in weeks, that I see his proudest line up yet. 289 00:17:41.599 --> 00:17:43.759 I tried to catch his mood in the hours before, 290 00:17:44.079 --> 00:17:47.880 but he was distracted, hands flying over emils, jaw tight 291 00:17:48.039 --> 00:17:51.640 but friendly. Even in the cab over, we stayed polite, 292 00:17:51.960 --> 00:17:55.480 the old banter replaced by questions about catering and last 293 00:17:55.559 --> 00:17:59.799 minute artwork placements. The show was packed, a bonfire of 294 00:18:00.079 --> 00:18:02.960 peating egos. I lost track of the people who said, 295 00:18:03.319 --> 00:18:05.799 your husband's a rock star, you must be so proud, 296 00:18:06.200 --> 00:18:10.079 their faces expectant, searching my own. I watched Josh work 297 00:18:10.119 --> 00:18:13.839 the floor, pausing often beside mere, heads inclined over a 298 00:18:13.880 --> 00:18:17.119 hanging piece, eyes sharing a joke I couldn't quite catch. 299 00:18:17.640 --> 00:18:21.039 She radiated a hungry, embryonic energy I half remember from 300 00:18:21.039 --> 00:18:25.000 my own first years, brilliant and eager and slightly chaotic. 301 00:18:26.039 --> 00:18:29.599 Each time they lingered together, their body language told stories. 302 00:18:30.039 --> 00:18:33.160 The casual exchange of a paint marker a laugh that 303 00:18:33.319 --> 00:18:36.200 lingered a touch to his elbow when she moved past 304 00:18:36.839 --> 00:18:40.880 little things. A knot of anger bunched inside me. But 305 00:18:40.960 --> 00:18:44.960 when Josh caught my gaze, he smiled wide, performative, the 306 00:18:45.000 --> 00:18:48.039 way he does when he feels watched. After he pulled 307 00:18:48.039 --> 00:18:49.880 me into a back room, as though to steal a 308 00:18:49.960 --> 00:18:54.359 private moment, but the tension hung between us, unsayable. I 309 00:18:54.440 --> 00:18:57.000 told myself to trust him, but watched near out of 310 00:18:57.039 --> 00:19:00.440 the corner of my eye, laughing with theo glaceancing my 311 00:19:00.480 --> 00:19:04.599 way with a flicker of challenge. Later that night, back home, 312 00:19:04.920 --> 00:19:07.480 we snapped at each other over missing keys and left 313 00:19:07.480 --> 00:19:11.680 over take out arguments flared out of nothing. He insisted 314 00:19:11.680 --> 00:19:15.400 he needed more space for creativity, that maybe our routine 315 00:19:15.759 --> 00:19:18.720 was crushing his momentum, that he wished I didn't jump 316 00:19:18.759 --> 00:19:22.720 to conclusions about every hour he worked. I wanted to 317 00:19:22.759 --> 00:19:27.839 scream or conclusions, but I froze instead. Every muscle bottled tight, 318 00:19:28.160 --> 00:19:31.519 afraid that one wrong word would scramble this last thread 319 00:19:31.559 --> 00:19:35.920 between us. My work suffered. I ruined two commissions. I 320 00:19:36.000 --> 00:19:39.880 started ducking calls from clients, excusing myself from the art 321 00:19:39.920 --> 00:19:43.680 group text, unwilling to frame questions that would sound petty 322 00:19:43.759 --> 00:19:47.680 and desperate. I needed to talk, to reach out, but 323 00:19:47.799 --> 00:19:51.480 every friend felt like Switzerland, too close to Josh, too 324 00:19:51.559 --> 00:19:54.279 tangled with both of us. I was afraid of what 325 00:19:54.319 --> 00:19:57.920 I'd hear, afraid of what even a single careless confirmation 326 00:19:58.039 --> 00:20:01.519 would do. One night, as I was putting away brushes, 327 00:20:01.759 --> 00:20:05.960 Josh breezed in, suddenly gleeful. Hey, hope you don't mind. 328 00:20:06.279 --> 00:20:10.440 I invited Mere over. She wanted some portfolio advice. Two 329 00:20:10.559 --> 00:20:14.119 brains are better than one, right. I said nothing of 330 00:20:14.160 --> 00:20:18.039 my internal earthquake, only nodded and forced my voice steady. 331 00:20:18.640 --> 00:20:22.720 Sure Mir arrived half an hour later, her hair pulled back, 332 00:20:23.000 --> 00:20:26.960 laptop bags slung over her shoulder. She was friendly, earnest. 333 00:20:27.319 --> 00:20:29.839 She offered me a print of her abstract studies, said 334 00:20:29.880 --> 00:20:33.039 she followed my work on Instagram. We gathered around our 335 00:20:33.039 --> 00:20:37.599 battered kitchen table as she showed her digital portfolio. Every piece, explained, 336 00:20:37.880 --> 00:20:42.039 her eyes darting to Josh for affirmation. Throughout, Josh kept 337 00:20:42.079 --> 00:20:45.400 a polite distance, making jokes about how my wife is 338 00:20:45.480 --> 00:20:50.680 my harshest critic. He exaggerated his feedback, even criticized her 339 00:20:50.680 --> 00:20:54.000 color choices, glancing my way to see me laugh as 340 00:20:54.039 --> 00:20:58.400 if demonstrating he still belonged here. The mood was awkward, 341 00:20:58.400 --> 00:21:02.319 but strictly professional. When she left, the air cleared, I 342 00:21:02.359 --> 00:21:06.559 found myself strangely relieved, as if I'd hallucinated everything for 343 00:21:06.599 --> 00:21:09.640 the first time in weeks. Josh pulled me close, holding 344 00:21:09.640 --> 00:21:13.200 on longer than usual. Let's do something fun, he said, 345 00:21:13.480 --> 00:21:17.119 ordering our favorite tie gulping pad cu out of the box, 346 00:21:17.200 --> 00:21:21.640 proposing we unplug for a weekend, a real escape. I 347 00:21:21.720 --> 00:21:24.680 let myself buy in. That night, we flicked through B 348 00:21:24.839 --> 00:21:28.279 and bs, planning hikes and art walks. He kissed my 349 00:21:28.400 --> 00:21:31.519 shoulder as I worked on a commission. I convinced myself 350 00:21:31.559 --> 00:21:35.400 I'd invented the whole thing. Career jealousy a byproduct of 351 00:21:35.400 --> 00:21:39.759 my own anxiety as jobs dried up. Relief is a 352 00:21:39.759 --> 00:21:44.960 fleeting thing, easily shattered. At two a m my phone vibrated, Cam, 353 00:21:45.160 --> 00:21:48.279 are you okay? You don't have to pretend with us? 354 00:21:48.720 --> 00:21:51.440 I stared into the ceiling, the chill spreading through me. 355 00:21:52.000 --> 00:21:54.880 I texted back, what are you talking about? But he 356 00:21:54.920 --> 00:21:59.920 didn't reply. I lay awake, replaying every conversation, every glance, 357 00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:03.960 wondering what every one else saw that I didn't. Kam's 358 00:22:03.960 --> 00:22:06.799 message gnawed at me in the cold light of morning. 359 00:22:06.960 --> 00:22:10.720 It colored everything, the distance in Josh's touch, the too 360 00:22:10.759 --> 00:22:14.400 shiny way he'd offered reassurance right after mere left. The 361 00:22:14.480 --> 00:22:17.160 sense of being kept just outside a circle where I 362 00:22:17.240 --> 00:22:21.039 once belonged, the relief I had savored felt staged a 363 00:22:21.119 --> 00:22:25.519 set piece. I opened my laptop and started looking, no 364 00:22:25.640 --> 00:22:28.920 longer for reassurance, but for patten, For something to make 365 00:22:29.000 --> 00:22:32.640 sense of the dissonance. I pulled up Josh's Google calendar, 366 00:22:32.880 --> 00:22:35.160 the one we both shared when our schedules were too 367 00:22:35.200 --> 00:22:38.960 manic to keep straight. He d started hiding some of 368 00:22:39.000 --> 00:22:42.720 his events weeks ago. I'd noticed but not cared, figuring 369 00:22:42.759 --> 00:22:46.519 it was his way of managing privacy. Now I compared 370 00:22:46.559 --> 00:22:51.000 the old workshop invites, show schedules, details I remembered him sharing, 371 00:22:51.440 --> 00:22:55.160 versus what his public listings and contacts revealed. I spent 372 00:22:55.279 --> 00:22:58.079 hours cross referencing. Was he really at the gallery the 373 00:22:58.200 --> 00:23:01.720 night of drinks with the team. Did Marsha's Instagram story 374 00:23:01.759 --> 00:23:05.720 match his timeline? Many of his workshops didn't exist. Half 375 00:23:05.759 --> 00:23:09.759 the show openings he claimed to be managing never materialized, small, 376 00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:14.839 barely noticeable, but enough. I called Marsha, framing it as 377 00:23:14.880 --> 00:23:18.440 a check in about group meetings, fishing for confirmation without 378 00:23:18.480 --> 00:23:22.880 sounding desperate. After some typical back and forth about sponsorships 379 00:23:22.880 --> 00:23:27.240 and upcoming murals, she paused, let's grab lunch soon. I 380 00:23:27.279 --> 00:23:31.680 could use a brake. Are you sleeping okay? Her tone 381 00:23:31.799 --> 00:23:36.440 was gentle, strange, but she didn't elaborate. Meanwhile, it felt 382 00:23:36.480 --> 00:23:39.000 as though everyone else's gaze held a lair. I couldn't 383 00:23:39.000 --> 00:23:43.559 see pity maybe or silent complicity. I scrolled through social 384 00:23:43.599 --> 00:23:46.759 feeds and group texts, finding more photos of Josh at 385 00:23:46.759 --> 00:23:49.960 events and bars, never alone, mere showing up in half 386 00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:52.839 of them. In one, she's laughing at something, he whispers, 387 00:23:53.079 --> 00:23:56.960 hands splayed on his chest. The caption reads dream Team 388 00:23:57.000 --> 00:23:59.880 at it again and it's from a mutual friend. No 389 00:24:00.200 --> 00:24:05.440 mention of me. I started skipping out on everything, declined invitations, 390 00:24:05.640 --> 00:24:08.839 let my messages, pile up, My sketch books filled with 391 00:24:08.960 --> 00:24:12.640 false starts, nothing ready to show, lines that trailed off 392 00:24:12.680 --> 00:24:17.880 without form. I couldn't paint, couldn't concentrate. That Monday, Marsha 393 00:24:17.920 --> 00:24:21.119 messaged again, insisting on lunch. We met at a bakery 394 00:24:21.119 --> 00:24:23.359 where she ordered me my favorite and fussed over her 395 00:24:23.359 --> 00:24:26.200 hair for the first time since March. Half Way through, 396 00:24:26.359 --> 00:24:29.799 she put her phone faced on and twisted in her chair. Elena, 397 00:24:29.960 --> 00:24:32.519 I'm sorry this doesn't feel fair to you. But a 398 00:24:32.559 --> 00:24:34.720 few weeks ago I saw Josh and mea coming out 399 00:24:34.720 --> 00:24:38.720 of Lumina Bar together late. They seemed close, more than 400 00:24:38.759 --> 00:24:41.920 work friends. I didn't know how to say anything. Nobody 401 00:24:41.920 --> 00:24:45.480