WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:05.919 Tuesday night. Rain still has a way of making the 2 00:00:05.919 --> 00:00:08.080 old skylights and I'll loft sound like a poor sharp 3 00:00:08.119 --> 00:00:11.880 when predictable, almost celebratory. But the night everything is just off. 4 00:00:12.439 --> 00:00:15.279 I'm sitting at our battered work table, scarp pine paint drips, 5 00:00:15.279 --> 00:00:17.559 the memory of each project as somewhere in its surface. 6 00:00:18.280 --> 00:00:20.839 Two mugs steam or did until one cooled, and then 7 00:00:20.879 --> 00:00:23.839 only mine's day warm. The playlist is looping through old 8 00:00:23.879 --> 00:00:27.519 tracks Modown, then Sufton Stephens, then some Icelandic piano thing 9 00:00:27.600 --> 00:00:29.960 Elie wore made her more productive, even though half our 10 00:00:30.000 --> 00:00:33.159 sketches from those sessions look half sleep. She's not here. 11 00:00:33.759 --> 00:00:37.560 I'm not sure when she left nine, maybe a little 12 00:00:37.560 --> 00:00:40.920 before she texted some quick line about going to the studio, 13 00:00:41.000 --> 00:00:44.320 might stay late, don't wait up. Not unusual, not really, 14 00:00:44.960 --> 00:00:47.880 but these last weeks, not unusual has started to mean actually, 15 00:00:47.920 --> 00:00:50.640 this keeps happening. I'm still not used to the rooms 16 00:00:50.640 --> 00:00:52.479 being so empty. The big sky whare has feel of 17 00:00:52.520 --> 00:00:54.479 our loftickoing with nothing but the buzz of the city 18 00:00:54.479 --> 00:00:57.240 a few floors below. The phone is in my hand. 19 00:00:57.840 --> 00:01:00.679 I scroll absently, not sure whether I'm reaching work stuff 20 00:01:00.799 --> 00:01:03.560 or waiting for a message from her. The oldest chats 21 00:01:03.560 --> 00:01:05.079 are the ones I love, the two of us trading 22 00:01:05.159 --> 00:01:08.239 terrible puns about clients, sending photos of our nuck and jodles, 23 00:01:08.239 --> 00:01:10.599 mocking the pretensions of our third designers, and hyping up 24 00:01:10.599 --> 00:01:14.040 our own dumbest ideas. This one self yellow scent, tongue out, 25 00:01:14.159 --> 00:01:17.120 middle finger up behind a mountain of Fabric's watches. This 26 00:01:17.280 --> 00:01:19.400 is my new collection. I call it Lost and Found 27 00:01:19.439 --> 00:01:23.159 at the Salvation Army. I still laugh now. I'm scanning 28 00:01:23.200 --> 00:01:25.840 the shells looking for something anything. I'm not sure what. 29 00:01:26.719 --> 00:01:29.599 My eyes land on. Something that doesn't belong. Next to 30 00:01:29.640 --> 00:01:31.760 the old polaroid of us at Burning Man, tucked in 31 00:01:31.760 --> 00:01:34.719 an uneven row of beer coasters and ceramic trinkets from friends, 32 00:01:34.840 --> 00:01:38.920 is a blue ball, pale terrecorse glaze, kind of lopsided ridges, 33 00:01:38.920 --> 00:01:40.799 pressed by what must be a beginner's hand, except that 34 00:01:40.879 --> 00:01:43.200 Ill has never liked this ship. She calls it a 35 00:01:43.239 --> 00:01:45.519 hipster nick ni klandeer. Every time we walk past one 36 00:01:45.519 --> 00:01:47.799 of those indie markets, says as she brings home one 37 00:01:47.840 --> 00:01:50.680 more crafty mug. I have her permission to accidentally drop it. 38 00:01:51.319 --> 00:01:54.120 But here's this ball. I reach out, turn it over. 39 00:01:54.760 --> 00:01:57.599 There are her initials, scratch and clumes in need a 40 00:01:57.640 --> 00:01:59.719 point on the bottom e D. But beside it half 41 00:01:59.719 --> 00:02:02.920 the sun is a mark I don't recognize. Hebby ink, 42 00:02:03.640 --> 00:02:06.319 a little spiriliclosed circle with a flourish at the end, 43 00:02:06.640 --> 00:02:09.439 like a signature or a symbol. I run my thumb 44 00:02:09.439 --> 00:02:13.479 over it, feeling the grooves. Clay dust brushes off. My 45 00:02:13.520 --> 00:02:16.319 eyes flicker to the mugs again. Hers is still there, 46 00:02:16.400 --> 00:02:19.879 half full. She left in a hurry. Across the table 47 00:02:19.879 --> 00:02:22.080 a pile of our lady's mock up sits ignored page 48 00:02:22.080 --> 00:02:24.599 is marked with bright yellow sticky notes. Her handwriting always 49 00:02:24.680 --> 00:02:27.680 capital letters show up and impatient punch up his color. 50 00:02:27.759 --> 00:02:30.800 The logo too cue to try again. Usually she jab 51 00:02:30.840 --> 00:02:33.039 with a finger, tease me about being the architect of beige. 52 00:02:33.080 --> 00:02:36.520 Any time I drift neutral. Tonight it's all quiet. The 53 00:02:36.639 --> 00:02:39.719 rain settles into more regular applause. I'm not sure if 54 00:02:39.719 --> 00:02:42.719 I'm lonely or nervous. When Ella comes home, it is 55 00:02:42.800 --> 00:02:47.680 pushing midnight. The elevator rattles. She steps in, flushed, damp, 56 00:02:47.680 --> 00:02:50.960 hair curling at the temples. She's holding something, another piece 57 00:02:51.039 --> 00:02:54.199 wrapped in a newspaper. She's been avoiding My gaze lately, 58 00:02:54.240 --> 00:02:57.199 but to night at least she tries. Hey, she says, 59 00:02:57.280 --> 00:03:01.000 voice soft, tired, sorry, lost truck of time. What are 60 00:03:01.000 --> 00:03:04.960 you still doing up? Couldn't sleep? They say, I saved 61 00:03:04.960 --> 00:03:08.319 you coffee. She sets the package down, giving the bowl 62 00:03:08.319 --> 00:03:10.520 on the shelf a quick glance, fast like one second 63 00:03:10.520 --> 00:03:13.719 too quick before I'm rapping another ceramic, This time is 64 00:03:13.800 --> 00:03:16.840 quap mub with a thick candle, deep green glaze. What 65 00:03:16.919 --> 00:03:19.120 do you think I didn't know you when full Earth 66 00:03:19.159 --> 00:03:21.560 Goddess on me a joke mosey to test the air, 67 00:03:22.159 --> 00:03:24.240 the woman who once scolded me for buying a woven 68 00:03:24.280 --> 00:03:28.360 basket at Oban Outfitters. She grins, but it doesn't quite retrise. 69 00:03:29.560 --> 00:03:32.159 Maybe I'm growing up or regressing, depends who you ask. 70 00:03:32.759 --> 00:03:36.000 Want your mug, I offer, sliding her cup across the table. 71 00:03:36.599 --> 00:03:39.800 She wrinkles her nose, shakes her head. Thanks, but I 72 00:03:39.879 --> 00:03:42.479 kind of just want water. Too many Studio lott Is coffee. 73 00:03:42.479 --> 00:03:44.960 Maybe next week. She drops the new mug on to 74 00:03:45.000 --> 00:03:47.919 the shelf, not quite looking at me. Some things about 75 00:03:47.960 --> 00:03:50.759 being alone are kind of nice. You know. There's an echo, 76 00:03:50.800 --> 00:03:53.240 a smile there, wistful, tired, or just elsewhere, but no 77 00:03:53.319 --> 00:03:55.680 invitation to pick up the old joke, the old rhythm. 78 00:03:55.919 --> 00:03:58.960 The ring keeps up. I ask about her night, her project, 79 00:03:59.000 --> 00:04:01.159 what she glazed, but she shrid rugs it off. You 80 00:04:01.280 --> 00:04:03.360 know how it is grouped dynamics, A lot of chatter. 81 00:04:03.439 --> 00:04:06.680 I'm wiped. We move into silence, but the space between us, 82 00:04:06.680 --> 00:04:10.199 fear is full of some new critical ingredient. She changes, 83 00:04:10.360 --> 00:04:13.479 disappears into the bathroom. Her phone buzzes once she pulls 84 00:04:13.479 --> 00:04:16.439 it from her bag, glances at it, face carefully unreadable. 85 00:04:16.959 --> 00:04:19.279 When I shuffle our work table clutter into neat stacks, 86 00:04:19.279 --> 00:04:22.519 she doesn't help. Minutes later, her footsteps are already moving 87 00:04:22.519 --> 00:04:25.120 toward our bedroom, leaving me alone with Mug's, two new 88 00:04:25.120 --> 00:04:28.199 ceramics and a box of questions. For the first time 89 00:04:28.199 --> 00:04:30.000 in a long while, I wonder if I have any 90 00:04:30.079 --> 00:04:33.120 idea what's happening in my own marriage. I didn't always 91 00:04:33.120 --> 00:04:35.920 doubt her. In fact, most of the story, the one 92 00:04:35.959 --> 00:04:38.199 I tell myself at least, is built on the opposite. 93 00:04:38.600 --> 00:04:41.600 We were partners long before we called it marriage. Our 94 00:04:41.639 --> 00:04:44.120 first date was not opening. Neither of us took seriously. 95 00:04:44.839 --> 00:04:47.839 She wore thrifty Doc Martens, a men shirt covered in paints, platters, 96 00:04:48.000 --> 00:04:50.720 and somehow made it look iforless. I showed up, still 97 00:04:50.800 --> 00:04:52.319 high from an all night of trying to finish a 98 00:04:52.360 --> 00:04:56.079 freelance architectural model. We traded stories about nightmare clients and 99 00:04:56.120 --> 00:04:58.560 the best dramen in the city. When I forgot her 100 00:04:58.639 --> 00:05:00.199 number at the bar, she wrote it on my hand 101 00:05:00.240 --> 00:05:02.319 and SHARPI and added text me if you want to work, 102 00:05:02.560 --> 00:05:04.759 call me if you want to hang. We ended up 103 00:05:04.759 --> 00:05:08.120 making both happen. My technical scale, her instinct for color 104 00:05:08.160 --> 00:05:10.360 and provocation blend it better than either of us could 105 00:05:10.399 --> 00:05:13.480 have planned. We shared sketches in bed ruined good sheets 106 00:05:13.480 --> 00:05:16.560 with the krylic stains, debated how vedica vis hand dromfont 107 00:05:16.560 --> 00:05:19.480 for hours. It wasn't just that we attracted, it was 108 00:05:19.519 --> 00:05:22.639 that we'd built layered twice. We faced scrapes, dry months 109 00:05:22.639 --> 00:05:25.279 that almost broke the studio, competitors who poached our ideas, 110 00:05:25.319 --> 00:05:27.920 the bow, and deep anxiousness of watching savings dip below rent. 111 00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:30.319 We got through it by promising never to hide the 112 00:05:30.439 --> 00:05:34.120 ugly bits. She teased my avoidance. I brought her perfectionism, 113 00:05:34.199 --> 00:05:36.959 and then somehow we love ourselves out of the storm. 114 00:05:37.240 --> 00:05:39.480 All life followed no template. Living in a loft so 115 00:05:39.519 --> 00:05:41.480 open you could hear your partner sneezing from the shower, 116 00:05:41.560 --> 00:05:44.439 hosting warehouse parties with bursts of color and light, friends 117 00:05:44.480 --> 00:05:46.839 bringing food and riddles, and an endless stream of cheap wine. 118 00:05:47.199 --> 00:05:50.120 Illa always danced first, dragging me into the crowd, turning 119 00:05:50.120 --> 00:05:52.639 my routine self conscious shuffle into willingness to look dumb 120 00:05:52.639 --> 00:05:56.160 for her. Our chosen family expanded and shrank. College friends 121 00:05:56.199 --> 00:05:59.519 who moved, gallery curators, parade of freelanced widows who shared 122 00:05:59.519 --> 00:06:02.680 the work in the headaches. Sometimes I'd find Illa cult 123 00:06:02.680 --> 00:06:05.279 on the couch, the sketchric open, headphones, jammed in, humming, 124 00:06:05.319 --> 00:06:08.279 off key, and oblivious to my presence. Other Times she 125 00:06:08.360 --> 00:06:10.439 drugged me to some new pop up, needing me to 126 00:06:10.480 --> 00:06:12.639 check her typography on a late poster at two a m. 127 00:06:13.240 --> 00:06:16.000 She dismissed any trace of tren chasing. Their thing was authenticity, 128 00:06:16.079 --> 00:06:18.319 and if something became too popular, she joked that it 129 00:06:18.360 --> 00:06:21.720 was dead as disco. That irreverence, the sharp tone drew 130 00:06:21.759 --> 00:06:25.639 people to her. Naturally, did I ever feel lesser? Maybe 131 00:06:26.240 --> 00:06:30.399 her colors always seemed brighter metaphorically literally. Sometimes I was 132 00:06:30.439 --> 00:06:32.800 the structure building the frame she would set on fire. 133 00:06:33.399 --> 00:06:35.399 But we fit, and I never envied her for long. 134 00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:38.959 If anything, I felt ought to orbit her the subject 135 00:06:39.000 --> 00:06:42.639 of kids, a few jokes, nothing attraction. We came from 136 00:06:42.639 --> 00:06:45.079 out of state background suburbia for her, farm town for me. 137 00:06:45.759 --> 00:06:47.759 Neither of us wanted to rush down the same tracks, 138 00:06:47.800 --> 00:06:50.000 not when there was so much else to make. We 139 00:06:50.040 --> 00:06:53.759 had an understanding, chosen friends over distant family, spontaneous trips 140 00:06:53.800 --> 00:06:56.639 instead of holidays, and crowded houses, two places set for 141 00:06:56.639 --> 00:06:59.600 whoever dropped by first. The way the city works, you 142 00:06:59.639 --> 00:07:02.519 collect your own tribe. Hanaor's was weird and loyal, and 143 00:07:02.839 --> 00:07:06.160 for a while everything I trusted. So why now does 144 00:07:06.160 --> 00:07:08.519 a single blue bull stop my heart? I tried to 145 00:07:08.560 --> 00:07:12.240 ignore it? Reallyat I did. The impulse to check up 146 00:07:12.240 --> 00:07:14.480 on Ella, to label how new obsessions as avoidance or 147 00:07:14.519 --> 00:07:17.839 alarm felt underhanded. If anyone need a value of letting 148 00:07:17.839 --> 00:07:20.680 your partner breeze, explore, reinvent the way we both had 149 00:07:20.680 --> 00:07:23.279 to between gigs and stints of panic. It was us. 150 00:07:23.600 --> 00:07:27.240 But Thursday night came normally our sketch and stream sacred time, 151 00:07:27.360 --> 00:07:30.279 both of usdrawing tablets out cheap red wine. A bad 152 00:07:30.319 --> 00:07:32.680 movie playing in the background while we stream processed video 153 00:07:32.720 --> 00:07:35.480 is on her channel. Ella called at six, voiced tight, 154 00:07:36.439 --> 00:07:38.680 hey bade pottery studios open late. I kind of have 155 00:07:38.839 --> 00:07:41.199 to go to night the glay's kilns, running schedules nuts. 156 00:07:41.240 --> 00:07:44.800 You know. She barely waited for my answer. I said, 157 00:07:44.959 --> 00:07:48.120 katamud wait till tomorrow. She parrit did not unless she 158 00:07:48.120 --> 00:07:50.519 want me to blend clay distant to our lunch. I 159 00:07:50.639 --> 00:07:52.879 laugh tried another joke, offered to come by the studio 160 00:07:52.920 --> 00:07:54.879 and bring her a late dinner. She said, it's fine, 161 00:07:54.920 --> 00:07:57.519 I'll grab something with the group. Don't wait up. That 162 00:07:57.600 --> 00:08:01.439 last phrase, I realized was getting too familiar. The next morning, 163 00:08:01.519 --> 00:08:03.839 when I tried to be casual about my curiosity, she 164 00:08:03.959 --> 00:08:06.680 was already obning else where quick shower loud music had 165 00:08:06.680 --> 00:08:09.000 in her phone. She left in a hurry for a 166 00:08:09.000 --> 00:08:12.120 meeting that didn't exist on our shared calendar. Tiding up, 167 00:08:12.160 --> 00:08:15.120 I found another pottery item hidden amit design proof was 168 00:08:15.160 --> 00:08:17.439 a mug taller than the first, deep green, beflecked with 169 00:08:17.480 --> 00:08:20.519 copper hand a loss said like a question mark. Turning 170 00:08:20.519 --> 00:08:23.120 it over, I found the same initially d but next 171 00:08:23.120 --> 00:08:25.319 to it, this time a symbol even more elaborate, A 172 00:08:25.399 --> 00:08:28.680 stylized spiral crossed at one edge, almost like a tattoo design. 173 00:08:29.279 --> 00:08:32.720 The thought who's helping her? Who's this for a court? 174 00:08:32.759 --> 00:08:35.919 Then quickly twisted into guilt. Was I about to undermine 175 00:08:35.919 --> 00:08:38.720 all that togetherness by sneaking on her new hobby. I 176 00:08:38.799 --> 00:08:41.759 told myself to knock it off. Maybe, I argued she 177 00:08:41.840 --> 00:08:45.320 needed this. Maybe the pressure of our business, deadlines, clients, 178 00:08:45.360 --> 00:08:48.679 constant proximity finally got too much. Maybe she was just 179 00:08:48.720 --> 00:08:50.559 burned out on me. I tried to let it go, 180 00:08:50.679 --> 00:08:52.600 but she was less and less present at our work table, 181 00:08:52.679 --> 00:08:55.919 careless with her half of projects, distracted a meetings, texting 182 00:08:55.919 --> 00:08:58.559 half in code. I could see a shift, and try 183 00:08:58.559 --> 00:09:01.440 as I might, I couldn't not look. Late that weekend, 184 00:09:01.559 --> 00:09:03.879 she told me Chavonn's stopping by the collective to night. 185 00:09:04.000 --> 00:09:06.399 I'll be back late. Don't wait up. I didn't even 186 00:09:06.440 --> 00:09:09.399 ask to come. Didn't want another quick deflection. I worked 187 00:09:09.399 --> 00:09:11.440 on inverses, tried to fix a broken layout, but I 188 00:09:11.519 --> 00:09:13.440 just kept circling those mags, the way they looked on 189 00:09:13.480 --> 00:09:16.080 our shelf, home Mark and some one else's to I 190 00:09:16.159 --> 00:09:19.559 started poking a round online. Her eigiad new follower Stephen 191 00:09:19.720 --> 00:09:22.320 m Rosa all tagged in some recent stories about the 192 00:09:22.360 --> 00:09:25.639 pottery collective in her d MS at least does popping 193 00:09:25.679 --> 00:09:28.080 up as notifications. Most of the chats with surface level 194 00:09:28.080 --> 00:09:31.200 group planning mean trading, but some one named Jonas kept 195 00:09:31.240 --> 00:09:34.720 surfacing with comments on every firing, every picture of finished pieces. 196 00:09:35.360 --> 00:09:39.080 I sculled back Joana's profile a few Mudiforto's hand streak 197 00:09:39.159 --> 00:09:41.600 was slip half a sleeved tea showing in the workshop mirror. 198 00:09:42.120 --> 00:09:43.679 I didn't want to be the guy who snoops his 199 00:09:43.720 --> 00:09:46.120 wife's friends, but the curiosity was still eating at me. 200 00:09:46.759 --> 00:09:49.279 If I had led it fester, maybe nothing would have happened. 201 00:09:49.919 --> 00:09:52.480 But the universe or fate or bad timing, whatever you 202 00:09:52.559 --> 00:09:54.879 want to call it, has its own plan. The next 203 00:09:54.919 --> 00:09:57.919 bush came not from me, but from our own circle. Friday, 204 00:09:57.960 --> 00:10:00.519 we went to a gallery opening something for a local muralist, 205 00:10:00.559 --> 00:10:03.279 one of Ella's friends from the city's graffiti scene. The 206 00:10:03.360 --> 00:10:05.039 room was full, the wine was cheap, and for the 207 00:10:05.039 --> 00:10:07.840 first hour we fell into our old routine, snarky commentary 208 00:10:07.840 --> 00:10:10.759 whispered under our breath, rating the work in fake French accents, 209 00:10:10.960 --> 00:10:12.960 Ella cling into my arm, then yanking at a way 210 00:10:13.000 --> 00:10:16.240 to be better seen. It was good, almost fun, until 211 00:10:16.279 --> 00:10:18.879 he arrived. I clocked him first, because he had that 212 00:10:18.919 --> 00:10:20.720 looked too sharp, too at home, the right kind of 213 00:10:20.759 --> 00:10:24.879 rumbled tall light hair TOI too visible cuff, wearing a 214 00:10:24.879 --> 00:10:26.840 black T shirt with white clay cheeks like he never 215 00:10:26.879 --> 00:10:30.399 bothered to change Joan Is. He greeted Ella with a 216 00:10:30.440 --> 00:10:32.879 one armed hug, a broad smile that creased at the eyes. 217 00:10:33.519 --> 00:10:35.320 They caught up in a manner that might seem friendly 218 00:10:35.360 --> 00:10:37.279 on the surface, laughter, a low hand at her back, 219 00:10:37.320 --> 00:10:39.919 but there was an ease of familiarity. I waited for 220 00:10:39.960 --> 00:10:43.399 her to introduce me, Liam, this is Jonah's studio friend. 221 00:10:44.080 --> 00:10:47.559 Her tone was sunnier than necessary. Quick. Joan Is nodded, 222 00:10:47.600 --> 00:10:50.240 eye sharp, heard about you. He the one who keeps 223 00:10:50.279 --> 00:10:53.039 the lights on in the creative partnership. I shook his hand, 224 00:10:53.080 --> 00:10:56.120 strong grip but not friendly, and tried to joke some 225 00:10:56.200 --> 00:10:58.840 one has to save her from her color crimes. They 226 00:10:58.840 --> 00:11:01.799 both laughed, but there was an edge. We drifted apart, 227 00:11:01.840 --> 00:11:04.799 Jonah's introducing Ella to another potter. Ella glancing back now 228 00:11:04.799 --> 00:11:07.360 and then I found myself alone with an old friend, 229 00:11:07.440 --> 00:11:10.480 but couldn't keep my focus. Every time I glanced over, 230 00:11:10.559 --> 00:11:13.480 Ella was angled towards Jonah's clothes. Their hands nearly touching 231 00:11:13.480 --> 00:11:16.399 as they gestured over some inside joke. Before I could 232 00:11:16.399 --> 00:11:20.159 get annoyed, Chauvon swooped by, grinning, Hey, you doing okay, 233 00:11:20.440 --> 00:11:24.799 she asked a little too pointedly. Sure why, I replied? 234 00:11:25.559 --> 00:11:29.279 She shrugged, sipping her gin. Elle's really into this clay stuff. 235 00:11:29.519 --> 00:11:31.480 How thought ye'd be with her at the collective more? 236 00:11:32.080 --> 00:11:35.279 I played it off. She's the artist and the business end. 237 00:11:35.519 --> 00:11:38.559 Not much clay under my nails. Chavonn shot me a 238 00:11:38.600 --> 00:11:41.240 look but moved on. On the ride home, Ella was 239 00:11:41.320 --> 00:11:44.679 quieter than usual. I asked about Jonas, who was he really? 240 00:11:45.360 --> 00:11:48.120 And she shrugged. It's just one of those people. Everyone 241 00:11:48.159 --> 00:11:50.840 sort of knows. He's a character, but harmless works at 242 00:11:50.840 --> 00:11:53.480 the collective, good at the rowing. That phrase, good at 243 00:11:53.519 --> 00:11:56.799 drawing stuck. The conversation trailed off into discussions of the 244 00:11:56.840 --> 00:12:00.080 mural show instead, and she drifted to her phone. At bed, 245 00:12:00.159 --> 00:12:02.519 she brushed her teeth at the door half closed, humming 246 00:12:02.519 --> 00:12:05.639 a song I didn't recognize. I lay there thinking about 247 00:12:05.639 --> 00:12:08.000 her odd distance, the silent room, the way Jonahs's hand 248 00:12:08.000 --> 00:12:11.399 had found her elbow. In the gallery. Saturday morning, another 249 00:12:11.440 --> 00:12:13.799 pottery piece appeared on our shelf, A vase sleek and 250 00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:16.799 taller than anything she'd made before. The glaze, a deep 251 00:12:16.840 --> 00:12:20.200 maroon with metallic strands, was unlike her usual taste. Ella 252 00:12:20.240 --> 00:12:22.320 always ruded me about my gray on everything, but this 253 00:12:22.480 --> 00:12:25.120 was even less so than me turning it over. Two 254 00:12:25.159 --> 00:12:27.679 marks her initials and that same spiral, this time drawn 255 00:12:27.720 --> 00:12:31.200 in gold under the glaze. I frowned when I picked 256 00:12:31.240 --> 00:12:33.679 up her jacket to hang after breakfast or receive fell 257 00:12:33.679 --> 00:12:36.360 out kiln fees paid at the collective under the name 258 00:12:36.399 --> 00:12:40.320 me D. Sparrow. Sparrow her old college nickname a private joke. 259 00:12:40.919 --> 00:12:43.279 The handwriting was hers, but the signature was different to 260 00:12:43.320 --> 00:12:47.080 another flourish like the pottery mark she started working later. 261 00:12:47.759 --> 00:12:50.240 The glaze window sucks, I swear, she explained. If you 262 00:12:50.279 --> 00:12:53.240 miss your slot, you lose the piece. I offered to 263 00:12:53.240 --> 00:12:54.879 come by. Maybe you run a coffee to her, but 264 00:12:54.919 --> 00:12:58.279 she shut me down. He'd be bored. Everyone's focused anyway. 265 00:12:58.360 --> 00:13:00.840 I kind of like getting lost in it. I tried 266 00:13:00.840 --> 00:13:03.399 to let it pass. Maybe she wanted separation, maybe she 267 00:13:03.480 --> 00:13:06.600 deserved some solace without me hovering. But each night her 268 00:13:06.639 --> 00:13:10.159 mood changed. Snappya Harms's jokes, impatient with our process. We 269 00:13:10.159 --> 00:13:13.600 missed two client deadlines. She forgot to reply to network 270 00:13:13.639 --> 00:13:16.960 contacts who previously been life land for us. Once, when 271 00:13:16.960 --> 00:13:20.000 I prodded about creative direction on a new restaurant branding pitch, 272 00:13:20.120 --> 00:13:23.320 she rolled her eyes. Can't you just make decisions? For once? 273 00:13:23.399 --> 00:13:26.559 Then tired. At another dinner, this time with friends we 274 00:13:26.600 --> 00:13:28.879 both trusted to some one asked about her pottery people. 275 00:13:29.360 --> 00:13:32.279 Ala bristled, Why did every one so obsess with who 276 00:13:32.360 --> 00:13:34.639 I hang out with? Let me add my thing? She 277 00:13:34.799 --> 00:13:37.320 changed the subject so quickly, Awkwardness thick in the air. 278 00:13:37.960 --> 00:13:39.759 We all tried to recover, putting my gut a pit 279 00:13:39.759 --> 00:13:42.639 twisted harder. The next day, as she rushed from morning 280 00:13:42.679 --> 00:13:45.440 meeting she'd previously described as optional, her laptop pinned on 281 00:13:45.480 --> 00:13:48.480 our work table. She left it open, not locked, for once. 282 00:13:49.240 --> 00:13:52.320 Notifications flickered. One was from Jonas a deem that simply 283 00:13:52.360 --> 00:13:54.840 read close to night late slot should be fun a 284 00:13:54.879 --> 00:13:58.240 hard emoji at the end. My hands hovered. Did I 285 00:13:58.279 --> 00:14:01.240 want to snoop? Was it? Even? Am I right? She 286 00:14:01.279 --> 00:14:04.440 had left her computer out, but deliberately or out of habit? 287 00:14:05.080 --> 00:14:07.240 I heard her footsteps returning, so I let it be 288 00:14:07.879 --> 00:14:11.000 ghilp prickled my neck when she saw me near her laptop, 289 00:14:11.080 --> 00:14:13.720 her eyes narrow just a little too long, we stopped 290 00:14:13.720 --> 00:14:16.320 collaborating on our big projects, more or less by accident. 291 00:14:17.000 --> 00:14:19.480 She seemed drained by our tension, her energy now reserved 292 00:14:19.480 --> 00:14:22.320 for pottery or the studio. When I mentioned the gallery 293 00:14:22.320 --> 00:14:25.320 expision we'd plan for months, she shrugged, I might need 294 00:14:25.360 --> 00:14:28.240 to drop things at the studio or intense. I raised 295 00:14:28.240 --> 00:14:30.840 my eyebrows, but she just brushed past, hugging her phone 296 00:14:30.879 --> 00:14:33.440 to her chest as though expecting a call. One night, 297 00:14:33.519 --> 00:14:35.759 as if to prove my nerves unjust, she came home sweaty, 298 00:14:35.840 --> 00:14:38.759 arms dusted with clay, but bright eyed. She waved a 299 00:14:38.759 --> 00:14:41.960 flyer from the collective. They're doing an open studio. You 300 00:14:42.000 --> 00:14:44.159 should come see the world I'm always talking about. I 301 00:14:44.159 --> 00:14:47.320 think they'd like you. I hesitated, then agreed, seeing her 302 00:14:47.399 --> 00:14:49.799 enthusiasm as the first sign she might be letting meat 303 00:14:49.799 --> 00:14:52.360 in the night at the open studio. The atmosphere in 304 00:14:52.399 --> 00:14:55.559 side was all nervous energy, drying clay and mismasted. Eccentricity 305 00:14:55.600 --> 00:14:58.240 is a parade of bearded millennials, ponk care cuts, people 306 00:14:58.279 --> 00:15:00.480 so comfortable in their overalls you'd think the old ran 307 00:15:00.559 --> 00:15:03.559 on Glazing's slip. Joan has welcomed everyone at the door, 308 00:15:03.720 --> 00:15:05.759 grinning with the charm of someone who's used to performing 309 00:15:05.799 --> 00:15:08.799 at openings. He gave Ell a cool nod, treating me 310 00:15:08.840 --> 00:15:11.279 with exaggerated warmth, glad to finally meet the other half. 311 00:15:11.759 --> 00:15:14.840 Ella drifted between workstations, showing off her pieces, a lumpy 312 00:15:14.840 --> 00:15:17.320 teapot with copper glazes, a clever little plate, the blue 313 00:15:17.320 --> 00:15:20.639 bowl that started my spiral. Other collective members praised her. 314 00:15:20.639 --> 00:15:22.879 She's got an eye for shapes. Man who wish I 315 00:15:22.919 --> 00:15:26.240 had her color scents, E tea Escot, the touch. I 316 00:15:26.279 --> 00:15:29.480 watched her beam. It was genuine and inhibited, perhaps the 317 00:15:29.480 --> 00:15:32.399 happiest I'd seen her in months. I tried to relax, 318 00:15:32.399 --> 00:15:35.159 to let go of my suspicions. Maybe she needed this, 319 00:15:35.279 --> 00:15:38.320 the new community, outside validation that didn't require both of us. 320 00:15:39.000 --> 00:15:41.320 At dinner later, sharing leftovers in front of the TV, 321 00:15:41.480 --> 00:15:45.120 Elle apologized, I've been really, really burnt out. I guess 322 00:15:45.120 --> 00:15:47.440 I just needed something else for a bit. The business 323 00:15:47.559 --> 00:15:49.960 us at all kind of blends together sometimes. I know 324 00:15:50.039 --> 00:15:53.159 I've been a pain. It's fine, I said, and it 325 00:15:53.200 --> 00:15:55.840 almost was. She seemed blighter and guarded, laughing at my 326 00:15:55.919 --> 00:15:59.120 dry commentary on the latest streaming disaster. For the first 327 00:15:59.120 --> 00:16:02.039 time in weeks, our got dropped. She leaned against me 328 00:16:02.080 --> 00:16:04.200 on the couch, nudged me to fetch ice cream, even 329 00:16:04.240 --> 00:16:06.759 stayed up an extra hour sketching rough logo concepts while 330 00:16:06.759 --> 00:16:09.960 I emailed invisis and muttered that maybe Glay's Knight had 331 00:16:10.000 --> 00:16:13.519 loosened her up. She chuckled, maybe you should try mud sometime, 332 00:16:13.639 --> 00:16:17.200 could help. I remember clearing the table before bed. The 333 00:16:17.200 --> 00:16:18.919 mixing bowl I was about to put away had a 334 00:16:18.919 --> 00:16:22.840 slip of paper tucked inside half torn graphite lines scrolled diagonally. 335 00:16:23.440 --> 00:16:25.519 At first it looked like a phone number, Then yes, 336 00:16:25.879 --> 00:16:27.840 it was, with the lupinage at the end and a 337 00:16:27.879 --> 00:16:30.440 note meet me after don't forget the keys ajay. The 338 00:16:30.519 --> 00:16:32.840 back was a copy of the studio's private schedule, one 339 00:16:32.919 --> 00:16:36.080 row high lighted. I tucked it into my pocket heart racing, 340 00:16:36.120 --> 00:16:39.120 then slid it into my own sketch book. Later, staring 341 00:16:39.120 --> 00:16:42.200 at the ceiling, I ran her explanations. Did she need 342 00:16:42.279 --> 00:16:45.039 Jonahs for something and seen a technical help lay access 343 00:16:45.200 --> 00:16:48.159 Maybe studio politics I just didn't get. Or was this 344 00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:51.240 the symbol of the secrecy it's attention something different? What 345 00:16:51.279 --> 00:16:53.879 would I even do with proof. I was still stuck, 346 00:16:53.879 --> 00:16:57.240 halfway between paranoia and trust, between logic and dread. I 347 00:16:57.279 --> 00:16:59.879 started stepping up my own search, but careful, afraid to 348 00:16:59.879 --> 00:17:02.639 cross some line I couldn't across on her next. All 349 00:17:02.720 --> 00:17:05.440 night I waited late, busied myself with tedious client work. 350 00:17:05.519 --> 00:17:09.079 In Visu's half complete, her audgy trickled with cryptic stories, 351 00:17:09.079 --> 00:17:12.240 a spinning wheel, glaze mixing, Jodas's hands ghosting in the background, 352 00:17:12.279 --> 00:17:15.160 A flash of his laugh cut off quickly. I noticed 353 00:17:15.160 --> 00:17:18.319 that her legs came at odd hours. I noted the patterns, 354 00:17:18.359 --> 00:17:21.119 but hated how they made me feel. One day, Cheuvon 355 00:17:21.240 --> 00:17:23.480 stopped by to drop off some extra prints for a wall. 356 00:17:24.039 --> 00:17:26.960 Friendly enough, but her tone was tentative and sure. He 357 00:17:27.079 --> 00:17:29.000 seemed much of Ella. Lately. She's crushing it at the 358 00:17:29.000 --> 00:17:31.240 collect of Jonahs. Says she's probably the best new member 359 00:17:31.240 --> 00:17:34.119 they've had in ages. He's teaching her the Rocky process. Apparently, 360 00:17:34.680 --> 00:17:38.160 I hesitated searching Chavon's face for some kraak. Yeah, she 361 00:17:38.240 --> 00:17:40.000 loves it. I can barely get her to sit still 362 00:17:40.039 --> 00:17:43.640 at home anymore. She looked uncomfortable somehow, both impressed and pitying. 363 00:17:44.200 --> 00:17:46.279 Well the hours of nuts. Huh. I saw them at 364 00:17:46.279 --> 00:17:48.680 the studio like eleven thirty at night a few times. 365 00:17:48.759 --> 00:17:51.960 Figured you were probably the helping too. Nope, guess she's 366 00:17:52.000 --> 00:17:55.640 got new partners in crime. I forced a smile. Chavon 367 00:17:55.759 --> 00:17:58.079 packed up quick, clearly not wanting to be on any 368 00:17:58.079 --> 00:18:00.880 side of this. I kept my suspitition to myself, but 369 00:18:01.000 --> 00:18:03.319 it gnawed at me for days. The fat that some 370 00:18:03.359 --> 00:18:05.599 one else saw my wife out late with another man 371 00:18:05.640 --> 00:18:07.400 and thought nothing of it put an edge on everything. 372 00:18:07.920 --> 00:18:11.119 I kept expecting confrontation, but instead, I'll las simply fractured 373 00:18:11.119 --> 00:18:14.200 around the silence. It wasn't just home, it was worked too. 374 00:18:14.880 --> 00:18:17.559 Our dead lines started to slip. The big project for 375 00:18:17.559 --> 00:18:20.759 a new cafe. We missed the review. Ella blamed creative overload, 376 00:18:20.759 --> 00:18:22.799 and when they were two hours before our pitch, leaving 377 00:18:22.799 --> 00:18:26.119 me to scramble the slides myself, we lost the contract. 378 00:18:26.720 --> 00:18:29.000 She showed little remorse, just a vague I'm sorry. I 379 00:18:29.039 --> 00:18:31.920 can't do everything at once. I shared chats, a daily 380 00:18:31.960 --> 00:18:35.039 litany of memes, inside jokes, workflow notes, thin to dry 381 00:18:35.079 --> 00:18:38.440 business send in vice a client feedback attached. Remind me 382 00:18:38.480 --> 00:18:41.839 about the logo files. No more affectionate jabs no late 383 00:18:41.920 --> 00:18:45.440 night photo bombs, no roster of bad punns. Meanwhile, the 384 00:18:45.480 --> 00:18:48.200 pottery collection on our shelf carew another oddly shaped mug, 385 00:18:48.279 --> 00:18:51.640 a delicate dish, a squat pitcher, different glazes each time, 386 00:18:51.720 --> 00:18:54.480 but always the same pattern. E. D. Jonas is spiral, 387 00:18:54.599 --> 00:18:57.799 sometimes a date or code. I asked once what the 388 00:18:57.839 --> 00:19:02.200 marks meant. Ala blinked, It's just studio tradition. Everybody stamps 389 00:19:02.240 --> 00:19:03.920 their stuff with the mark. Jone has taught me the 390 00:19:03.920 --> 00:19:08.119 spiral means growth or cycles. I guess her answer was automatic, 391 00:19:08.279 --> 00:19:11.920 too prepared. Saturday, during a tense din of friends, some 392 00:19:11.960 --> 00:19:14.519 one asked if she was planning to start selling her pieces. 393 00:19:14.839 --> 00:19:17.440 I don't know, honestly, she snapped, it's just a hobby. 394 00:19:17.480 --> 00:19:20.240 Why does everyone think I have to monetize everything? The 395 00:19:20.279 --> 00:19:22.440 subject dropped, but she was quite the rest of the night. 396 00:19:23.039 --> 00:19:25.200 Later she said I should stop trying to fit everyone 397 00:19:25.240 --> 00:19:28.160 else's narrative onto her hobbies. I wondered if this was 398 00:19:28.160 --> 00:19:31.079 about me at all. What struck me most was her restlessness, 399 00:19:31.160 --> 00:19:33.119 the way she always seemed to be moving away, choosing 400 00:19:33.119 --> 00:19:34.880 the hardest route to avoid being knew me while not 401 00:19:34.920 --> 00:19:38.119