WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty The Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:09.119 on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to The Doctor Wendy 4 00:00:09.119 --> 00:00:12.320 Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on 5 00:00:12.400 --> 00:00:15.160 the iHeartRadio App. All right, this is the part of 6 00:00:15.160 --> 00:00:18.640 the show where I'm digging deep into my social media dms. 7 00:00:19.039 --> 00:00:21.519 Remember I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but 8 00:00:21.519 --> 00:00:24.600 I've written three books on relationships and who I love 9 00:00:24.719 --> 00:00:28.640 to weigh in on your love life. If you want 10 00:00:28.640 --> 00:00:30.960 to send me a DM, just send it to at 11 00:00:31.120 --> 00:00:34.520 d R Wendy Walsh on Instagram at d R Wendy 12 00:00:34.560 --> 00:00:38.320 Walsh on Instagram. All right, here we go, Dear doctor 13 00:00:38.359 --> 00:00:43.600 Wendy says this listener, I think my situationship is dating 14 00:00:43.600 --> 00:00:46.560 someone else. Okay, So, for those who don't understand, a 15 00:00:46.640 --> 00:00:51.079 situationship is a relationship with no strings attached and nobody's 16 00:00:51.119 --> 00:00:55.119 defined what it really is. But this person is also 17 00:00:55.240 --> 00:00:58.880 using it to describe a person. They're calling the person 18 00:00:59.039 --> 00:01:02.399 a partner a situationationship. Okay, I think my situationship is 19 00:01:02.479 --> 00:01:07.400 dating someone else. He posts, really telling stories should I 20 00:01:07.439 --> 00:01:11.280 address it or save face and walk away. I just 21 00:01:11.359 --> 00:01:16.519 really like him a lot, but we've never discussed exclusivity. Okay, 22 00:01:16.519 --> 00:01:19.000 Now I just need to say one thing here. Honesty 23 00:01:19.120 --> 00:01:22.519 saves everybody a whole lot of time and situationships are 24 00:01:22.680 --> 00:01:26.959 very painful because everybody's living in the unknowing and nobody knows. 25 00:01:27.079 --> 00:01:29.599 So you know, I would say, instead of walking away, 26 00:01:30.519 --> 00:01:32.599 don't you want to know? Don't you want to have 27 00:01:32.640 --> 00:01:36.280 the conversation. Don't you want to just say, Hey, dude, 28 00:01:36.799 --> 00:01:39.799 I like you a lot, do you want to be exclusive? 29 00:01:40.280 --> 00:01:43.799 Or hey, I'm not liking what you're posting in your 30 00:01:43.799 --> 00:01:46.120 stories because I don't like to share you because you're 31 00:01:46.120 --> 00:01:50.239 real special to me. So let's figure it out. But 32 00:01:50.359 --> 00:01:53.640 here's the thing. If he's not having it, if he 33 00:01:53.760 --> 00:01:56.840 says no, I don't want to be exclusive, then you 34 00:01:57.079 --> 00:01:59.719 need to save your soul, you need to save your heart. 35 00:02:00.159 --> 00:02:02.959 You need to walk away. And that's the main reason 36 00:02:03.040 --> 00:02:06.359 people don't like to have these conversations because sometimes they 37 00:02:06.359 --> 00:02:08.599 don't want to hear the truth. They're happy to have 38 00:02:08.639 --> 00:02:12.879 a halfway relationship or a fantasy relationship, but they just 39 00:02:12.960 --> 00:02:16.120 don't want to hear the truth. So be brave have 40 00:02:16.159 --> 00:02:19.280 the conversation, all right? Moving along here back into the 41 00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:23.520 DMS on Instagram at dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, 42 00:02:23.560 --> 00:02:27.039 this listener writes, Hey, doctor Wendy, how long is too 43 00:02:27.159 --> 00:02:30.919 long to have a texting relationship? When should he ask 44 00:02:31.039 --> 00:02:34.759 me out? Okay, I have something to say about this 45 00:02:34.919 --> 00:02:37.759 because I use this. I made this up, this rule, 46 00:02:38.199 --> 00:02:41.240 and then I followed it myself and it works. So 47 00:02:41.360 --> 00:02:44.400 my theory is, if you're on a dating app and 48 00:02:44.439 --> 00:02:49.879 you meet somebody after two or three texts, just say, hey, 49 00:02:49.919 --> 00:02:51.560 I'm not a big texture and I'm not on this 50 00:02:51.599 --> 00:02:53.159 app very much. If you want to give me a call, 51 00:02:53.159 --> 00:02:56.919 here's my phone number. If they do not call, swipe 52 00:02:56.919 --> 00:03:01.039 them away. You are not their cloud girl. You are 53 00:03:01.080 --> 00:03:04.719 not there to give them emotional satisfaction. If you want 54 00:03:04.719 --> 00:03:07.479 a relationship in the real world, you move it into 55 00:03:07.520 --> 00:03:10.560 the real world. And if they don't call, you've got 56 00:03:10.560 --> 00:03:13.120 to ghost them. Just wipe left, get rid of them, 57 00:03:13.280 --> 00:03:17.000 end it, because they're not going to convert. Remember, there 58 00:03:17.000 --> 00:03:19.039 are lots of people who use the dating apps and 59 00:03:19.080 --> 00:03:23.360 they use it for emotional stimulation, and plenty of people 60 00:03:23.400 --> 00:03:25.840 actually aren't even the people they say they are, so 61 00:03:26.120 --> 00:03:27.680 they have a bunch of people on the line. They 62 00:03:27.680 --> 00:03:30.400 text with them all day long. They're like somebody's robot 63 00:03:30.840 --> 00:03:36.759 emotional support texter. Don't don't do it. So, yeah, it's 64 00:03:36.800 --> 00:03:38.479 too long if you're more than three or four text 65 00:03:38.520 --> 00:03:41.439 and you're not getting into the real world. Okay, dear 66 00:03:41.520 --> 00:03:45.759 doctor Wendy, I had met a very cute and a 67 00:03:45.840 --> 00:03:48.159 very handsome fellow. He's both cute and handsome. I like that. 68 00:03:48.360 --> 00:03:51.120 He's also very sweet. Who but he asked me to 69 00:03:51.159 --> 00:03:53.919 be his girlfriend on our first date. Is that an 70 00:03:53.960 --> 00:03:57.000 automatic red flag? Okay, Well, let's talk about. 71 00:03:56.719 --> 00:03:57.520 What that is. 72 00:03:57.879 --> 00:03:58.080 Right. 73 00:03:59.080 --> 00:04:03.560 Somebody who wants complete exclusivity from the beginning is somebody 74 00:04:03.599 --> 00:04:08.199 who probably has a lot of anxiety around attachment. They 75 00:04:08.199 --> 00:04:13.639 have huge abandonment issues. Perhaps they may want to control you, 76 00:04:13.759 --> 00:04:16.160 keep you as theirs. They're so into you. First of all, 77 00:04:16.199 --> 00:04:18.720 you guys haven't even gone through the exploratory stage of 78 00:04:18.759 --> 00:04:23.079 deciding whether you'd be compatible to be boyfriend and girlfriend. 79 00:04:23.639 --> 00:04:25.959 So while it's a red flag, let's talk about what 80 00:04:26.079 --> 00:04:30.680 it's a red flag for. And it's just indicating that 81 00:04:30.759 --> 00:04:36.439 maybe the person has anxiety around attachment, has you know, 82 00:04:36.519 --> 00:04:38.800 control issues, you don't know, So what you want to 83 00:04:38.839 --> 00:04:42.439 do is say that seems a little fast. I'd like 84 00:04:42.480 --> 00:04:45.000 to spend a little more time getting to know each other. 85 00:04:45.519 --> 00:04:47.079 You know, one time I dated a guy and we're 86 00:04:47.120 --> 00:04:48.680 like on our third date, and you know what he 87 00:04:48.720 --> 00:04:51.079 said to me, He goes, Okay, how about every time 88 00:04:51.120 --> 00:04:54.279 we say goodbye, let's have a time on the calendar 89 00:04:54.600 --> 00:04:59.360 when we'll see each other again. And I said, it's 90 00:04:59.399 --> 00:05:03.319 a little early for that. And it sounds like you 91 00:05:03.480 --> 00:05:08.240 have trouble containing yourself in the waiting and the not knowing, right, 92 00:05:08.319 --> 00:05:10.720 because you know, you had three dates with somebody who 93 00:05:10.800 --> 00:05:13.079 has a PhD in clinical psychology, so I can talk 94 00:05:13.160 --> 00:05:16.480 like that. And I said, how about you learn to 95 00:05:16.519 --> 00:05:19.439 self console and wait and give me a call when 96 00:05:19.439 --> 00:05:21.160 you have some free time, and we'll decide if we're 97 00:05:21.199 --> 00:05:24.399 going to get together again. You see, the very beginning 98 00:05:24.399 --> 00:05:28.680 of a relationship is a time of unknowing. You have 99 00:05:28.720 --> 00:05:31.079 to kind of hold it together. You have to kind 100 00:05:31.079 --> 00:05:33.879 of be cool. Right. You can't on a first date 101 00:05:33.920 --> 00:05:35.720 say hey, I like you, Will you be my boyfriend? 102 00:05:35.759 --> 00:05:39.160 Will you be my girlfriend? That shows that you can't 103 00:05:40.160 --> 00:05:42.000 you can't. Uh, what's the word I'm looking for? 104 00:05:42.040 --> 00:05:42.240 You. 105 00:05:42.240 --> 00:05:44.240 You just can't wait. You can't control yourself, you can't 106 00:05:44.240 --> 00:05:50.959 calm down, you can't self console, you can't manage your feelings. Right, So, yeah, 107 00:05:51.079 --> 00:05:53.199 it's kind of a red flag, but it's also an 108 00:05:53.279 --> 00:05:58.040 opportunity for discussion. All right, Okay, I have one more 109 00:05:58.079 --> 00:06:00.199 I think before we go to the break. Okay, and 110 00:06:00.279 --> 00:06:02.319 if you have a question you want to send me 111 00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:04.360 in a DM, send it to at d r Wendy 112 00:06:04.399 --> 00:06:08.319 Walsh on Instagram. Dear doctor, Wendy, my cousin is dating 113 00:06:08.399 --> 00:06:10.759 my ex crush. Let me figure that out. So you 114 00:06:10.839 --> 00:06:13.680 used to have a crush on somebody and obviously didn't 115 00:06:13.680 --> 00:06:15.920 turn out to be anything. Is just to crush and 116 00:06:15.920 --> 00:06:18.879 now your cousin is dating that person. I feel she 117 00:06:19.120 --> 00:06:22.360 absolutely crossed the line. She didn't even tell me. I 118 00:06:22.439 --> 00:06:26.600 found out from a mutual friend. How should I address this? Okay, So, 119 00:06:26.839 --> 00:06:28.759 just because you had a crush on somebody doesn't mean 120 00:06:28.800 --> 00:06:31.399 you own them, all right. One time, many many many 121 00:06:31.480 --> 00:06:33.240 years ago, I had a falling out with a roommate, 122 00:06:33.279 --> 00:06:35.279 no less because a guy she had a crush on 123 00:06:35.480 --> 00:06:38.959 who had no idea she had a crush on him, 124 00:06:39.360 --> 00:06:42.920 asked me out and I'm like, he's fair game if 125 00:06:42.959 --> 00:06:46.439 you haven't, you know whatever, Because there was another time, 126 00:06:47.480 --> 00:06:50.480 same roommate. By the way, another guy came up to 127 00:06:50.519 --> 00:06:52.759 me and said, Hey, I'd like to have dinner with you, 128 00:06:53.040 --> 00:06:55.600 and I said I can't because my roommate has a 129 00:06:55.600 --> 00:06:57.480 crush on you. We were young and dumb and saying 130 00:06:57.519 --> 00:06:59.279 stupid things. And he goes, well, that doesn't mean I 131 00:06:59.279 --> 00:07:02.639 don't even know who she is, and that's crazy. And anyway, 132 00:07:02.639 --> 00:07:04.120 I didn't go out to dinner with him. I did 133 00:07:04.120 --> 00:07:05.800 the right thing, and I was loyal to the friend. 134 00:07:05.839 --> 00:07:09.879 But you know what, everybody's fair game until a relationship starts. 135 00:07:10.480 --> 00:07:13.160 And I hope that you can be supportive of your 136 00:07:13.199 --> 00:07:17.160 cousin and celebrating for your cousin and go find another crush. 137 00:07:17.319 --> 00:07:20.040 There's lots of crushes out there, all right. When we 138 00:07:20.079 --> 00:07:23.279 come back, I'm going to continue to answer your relationship questions. 139 00:07:23.360 --> 00:07:27.360 Send them on Instagram in a DM at Dr Wendy Walsh, 140 00:07:27.439 --> 00:07:29.639 you're listening to the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on KFI 141 00:07:29.879 --> 00:07:33.480 AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 142 00:07:34.639 --> 00:07:38.839 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 143 00:07:39.040 --> 00:07:41.680 AM six forty Welcome back to. 144 00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:44.439 The Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'm KFI AM six forty 145 00:07:44.480 --> 00:07:48.399 live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Back into the DMS 146 00:07:48.399 --> 00:07:52.160 on Instagram. If you have a relationship question, please send 147 00:07:52.199 --> 00:07:54.639 it to me in a little private message. I will 148 00:07:54.759 --> 00:07:58.920 keep your identity a secret. All right, let's get right 149 00:07:58.959 --> 00:08:04.120 into it. Let's see. Oh yes, dear doctor Wendy. Oh oh, 150 00:08:04.199 --> 00:08:07.839 this is going to be really sad. Dear doctor Wendy, 151 00:08:07.920 --> 00:08:11.360 My wife and I experienced the loss of a child. Oh, 152 00:08:11.399 --> 00:08:14.680 I'm so sorry. It was three years ago and she 153 00:08:14.800 --> 00:08:17.759 has been a shell of her former self ever since. 154 00:08:18.560 --> 00:08:20.399 How much longer do I deal with that? 155 00:08:20.800 --> 00:08:20.920 This? 156 00:08:21.199 --> 00:08:24.600 Okay, Well, let's pause right now. This isn't about a 157 00:08:24.639 --> 00:08:27.800 time frame, it's about how to deal with it. Right, 158 00:08:28.120 --> 00:08:30.600 So you're saying, how much longer should I put up 159 00:08:30.600 --> 00:08:33.000 with her being a shell of herself? Well, it's not 160 00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:35.200 your job to heal her. It's not your job to 161 00:08:35.440 --> 00:08:39.279 put up with anything. It is your job as a 162 00:08:39.440 --> 00:08:43.879 husband to support your wife in her journey of grieving. 163 00:08:45.039 --> 00:08:48.600 The loss of a child is probably one of the 164 00:08:48.679 --> 00:08:54.919 most devastating losses and complicated. Grieving is something that psychologists 165 00:08:54.960 --> 00:08:59.279 would say is grieving that extends beyond one year. So 166 00:08:59.320 --> 00:09:02.360 I think that. But it's perfectly okay three years later 167 00:09:03.120 --> 00:09:06.600 to say to your wife, I know we've had this loss. 168 00:09:06.919 --> 00:09:10.559 We are both hurting. We need to find a way 169 00:09:11.200 --> 00:09:14.000 to come back into relationship and love so that our 170 00:09:14.039 --> 00:09:18.639 relationship doesn't die as well. Let's go to couple's therapy 171 00:09:19.120 --> 00:09:21.080 or would you like to? Would you like me to 172 00:09:21.120 --> 00:09:24.159 go to a grieving counseling group with you. You've got 173 00:09:24.200 --> 00:09:27.240 to find ways to support her, not sit there and 174 00:09:27.399 --> 00:09:31.720 wait it out. You're not waiting out something. Things don't 175 00:09:31.799 --> 00:09:36.440 just fix themselves. This is an opportunity. All pain. I 176 00:09:36.559 --> 00:09:40.159 want everyone to listen to this. All pain is an 177 00:09:40.240 --> 00:09:45.720 opportunity to dig deep things. Whether they're breakups or enormous 178 00:09:45.759 --> 00:09:48.519 losses like this, or even the loss of a job 179 00:09:48.759 --> 00:09:53.240 or a health issue that comes up. These are opportunities 180 00:09:53.559 --> 00:09:58.559 for people to explore with a licensed therapist where the 181 00:09:58.559 --> 00:10:02.279 growth is, because there's always growth that can come from it. 182 00:10:03.879 --> 00:10:05.679 I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I hope 183 00:10:05.720 --> 00:10:08.360 you guys can find a good counselor who can help 184 00:10:08.399 --> 00:10:12.679 you out. All right, Dear doctor Wendy, I'm a bit scared. Oh, 185 00:10:12.840 --> 00:10:16.000 I'm a bit scared reading this. Man I hooked up 186 00:10:16.000 --> 00:10:18.919 with years ago randomly hit me up telling me he 187 00:10:18.960 --> 00:10:22.159 loves me. He was rude when we dated and didn't 188 00:10:22.200 --> 00:10:25.360 respect my boundaries. That's why it did work out. Anyway, 189 00:10:25.360 --> 00:10:28.639 I didn't reciprocate his love. He called me four times 190 00:10:28.720 --> 00:10:31.639 at one am. Oh oh, these are big red flags, folks. 191 00:10:31.799 --> 00:10:35.440 I didn't answer. He then cursed me out via text message, 192 00:10:35.480 --> 00:10:38.080 and then blocked me. He told me he will block 193 00:10:38.159 --> 00:10:40.879 me to protect his own mental health. Why am I 194 00:10:41.000 --> 00:10:44.159 his focus? We haven't talked in years. Does this sound 195 00:10:44.159 --> 00:10:45.240 potentially dangerous? 196 00:10:45.840 --> 00:10:46.039 Yes? 197 00:10:46.159 --> 00:10:53.840 Yes, yes, yes, and yes. Okay, this is how somebody 198 00:10:53.879 --> 00:10:59.840 with an anxious attachment style behaves. Right, So he's been 199 00:11:00.039 --> 00:11:02.159 pin You went on with your life, you hooked up 200 00:11:02.159 --> 00:11:06.000 a few times, you moved on, right, he's still been 201 00:11:06.039 --> 00:11:08.720 pining away for you. You did say that when you 202 00:11:08.720 --> 00:11:10.799 were together, he was rude when you dated, and he 203 00:11:10.840 --> 00:11:12.799 didn't respect your boundaries. So I just want to tell 204 00:11:12.799 --> 00:11:14.639 you right now in case you're everything into getting back 205 00:11:14.679 --> 00:11:18.840 with him. The best way to predict somebody's future behavior 206 00:11:19.440 --> 00:11:22.720 is by looking at their past behavior. Okay. People don't 207 00:11:22.879 --> 00:11:25.399 change a whole lot unless they go to therapy with you, 208 00:11:25.440 --> 00:11:29.600 and you work change a whole different system. But yes, 209 00:11:29.639 --> 00:11:32.080 he should block you to protect his mental health, and 210 00:11:32.120 --> 00:11:36.039 he should go and see a therapist. You're his focus 211 00:11:36.240 --> 00:11:38.799 because your question why am I his focus? You are 212 00:11:38.840 --> 00:11:42.159 his focus because you are what a therapist would call 213 00:11:42.759 --> 00:11:48.559 a convenient object for his trauma, his early life trauma 214 00:11:48.559 --> 00:11:49.440 that he hasn't worked out. 215 00:11:49.480 --> 00:11:49.759 Look. 216 00:11:50.240 --> 00:11:52.200 I used to date on and off this playboy for 217 00:11:52.240 --> 00:11:55.279 like a decade, okay, And I used to say I 218 00:11:55.320 --> 00:11:58.679 love him, and I treated him so badly. I'd hang 219 00:11:58.759 --> 00:12:01.080 up on him, and then I'd call ad, why don't 220 00:12:01.080 --> 00:12:04.120 you call me? I cry all kinds of stuff with him, 221 00:12:05.039 --> 00:12:08.639 and my therapist eventually explained to me that I didn't 222 00:12:08.720 --> 00:12:12.279 love him, It's not about him, that my model of 223 00:12:12.360 --> 00:12:16.720 love was messed up, and that he was a convenient 224 00:12:17.080 --> 00:12:21.679 object for some earlier pain in my life that belonged 225 00:12:21.759 --> 00:12:25.120 back there. And when the two of us went through 226 00:12:25.120 --> 00:12:28.159 my childhood with a fine tooth comb, we went back 227 00:12:28.200 --> 00:12:31.120 to the scene of the crime, the emotional crime. We 228 00:12:31.440 --> 00:12:36.120 worked on processing. We healed. Now, As for you and 229 00:12:36.159 --> 00:12:38.720 what you're supposed to do, please do not respond to 230 00:12:38.799 --> 00:12:43.440 him at all, at all, at all, Okay, It does 231 00:12:43.480 --> 00:12:47.399 sound potentially dangerous because sometimes, more often men than women, 232 00:12:47.440 --> 00:12:49.960 when they have an anxious attachment style, they think the 233 00:12:50.000 --> 00:12:51.759 way to get rid of their pain is to somehow, 234 00:12:52.399 --> 00:12:53.919 I don't know, get rid of the person, or hurt 235 00:12:53.919 --> 00:12:57.080 the person. I think they imagine the person's actually hurting them. 236 00:12:57.639 --> 00:13:02.039 So I would definitely be about having any contact. Go 237 00:13:02.159 --> 00:13:07.120 completely no contact, and pray that he goes to a therapist. Also, 238 00:13:07.240 --> 00:13:10.159 if he does anything stocker ish like shows up your place, 239 00:13:10.200 --> 00:13:13.080 then you've got to call the police. Okay, really you do. 240 00:13:13.240 --> 00:13:15.360 This could be dangerous. I'm so sorry to hear about that. 241 00:13:16.200 --> 00:13:19.759 All right, Uh here we go again. Hey, doctor, Wendy, 242 00:13:21.440 --> 00:13:26.200 my ex boyfriend's best friend. Okay, ex boyfriend's best friend 243 00:13:26.519 --> 00:13:29.080 asked me out on a date. When we went out, 244 00:13:29.279 --> 00:13:32.120 all he wanted to talk about was my ex and 245 00:13:32.200 --> 00:13:35.799 why he was never right for me. It's true and 246 00:13:35.919 --> 00:13:39.039 I really like him. Could we work out or does 247 00:13:39.080 --> 00:13:42.000 he have the wrong intentions? You know, I think you 248 00:13:42.120 --> 00:13:44.879 need to I can't predict the future. I don't have 249 00:13:45.000 --> 00:13:47.559 a crystal ball, but I do want to say that 250 00:13:47.639 --> 00:13:51.120 you should say to him something like, you know, you 251 00:13:51.279 --> 00:13:53.559 literally should have stopped him right into it. Say I'm 252 00:13:53.600 --> 00:13:56.639 here having dinner with you, I'd rather talk about you 253 00:13:56.960 --> 00:13:59.559 than him, or you could say something like if he 254 00:13:59.559 --> 00:14:03.799 brings it up again, I'm wondering why you seem fixated 255 00:14:03.960 --> 00:14:09.679 on talking about my ex because it's true. There are 256 00:14:09.720 --> 00:14:14.559 men out there who target the women of other men 257 00:14:15.480 --> 00:14:18.960 just as a you know, a goal, right, It's just 258 00:14:19.039 --> 00:14:21.720 their thing. They want to They think of women as 259 00:14:22.600 --> 00:14:26.320 objects that men own, and they think if I'm jealous 260 00:14:26.399 --> 00:14:28.559 of that guy, if I get his girl, then I'll 261 00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:31.639 have more self esteem. So you do want to be 262 00:14:31.639 --> 00:14:34.879 careful about that. But I think for me to predict 263 00:14:34.919 --> 00:14:37.879 what's going to happen in the future is less important 264 00:14:37.960 --> 00:14:41.159 than you looking at this as an opportunity to bring 265 00:14:41.200 --> 00:14:45.440 it up and practice good communication skills. Right, I think 266 00:14:45.440 --> 00:14:48.639 we have time for one more quick one, Dear doctor Wendy. 267 00:14:48.679 --> 00:14:50.799 My husband and I have not had sex for five months. 268 00:14:50.799 --> 00:14:53.679 We aren't fighting. He just won't have sex with me. Oh, 269 00:14:53.759 --> 00:14:57.279 so you've initiated he hasn't. I think he's cheating. What's 270 00:14:57.320 --> 00:14:59.600 the best way to address this, Well, you're going to 271 00:14:59.639 --> 00:15:01.519 have to it up. You're going to have to because 272 00:15:01.519 --> 00:15:03.320 you can't have good sex life unless you can talk 273 00:15:03.320 --> 00:15:06.320 about sex so you're going to say it without being confrontational. 274 00:15:07.039 --> 00:15:09.799 You make that communication sandwich that I always teach. You 275 00:15:09.840 --> 00:15:12.120 start out with a layer of love, follow by a 276 00:15:12.159 --> 00:15:14.799 layer of something a little hard to chew on, and 277 00:15:14.840 --> 00:15:16.799 then you back it up with another layer of love. 278 00:15:17.240 --> 00:15:19.559 So you're going to say something like, you know, I 279 00:15:19.600 --> 00:15:22.440 have always loved our sex life. I find you very 280 00:15:22.440 --> 00:15:26.440 sexy and very attractive. I notice we haven't had sex 281 00:15:26.480 --> 00:15:29.639 in the last five months, and I'm very worried and 282 00:15:29.720 --> 00:15:33.960 concerned about that. How this is impacting our relationship because 283 00:15:34.519 --> 00:15:36.639 I want to get back to the love we have 284 00:15:37.200 --> 00:15:39.879 and if there's a way that we can discuss it, 285 00:15:39.919 --> 00:15:45.200 whether it's something physical, let me know, right, So don't 286 00:15:45.200 --> 00:15:48.840 accuse him of cheating, Just say you've noticed it and 287 00:15:49.120 --> 00:15:52.159 ask him how. How is a good word? How the 288 00:15:52.200 --> 00:15:55.000 two of you can get back to something that makes 289 00:15:55.039 --> 00:15:57.879 both of you happy? All right? If you ever want 290 00:15:57.879 --> 00:16:00.679 to send me a question during the week, just DM 291 00:16:00.720 --> 00:16:04.720 me on Instagram at Dr Wendy Walsh. When we come back, 292 00:16:05.120 --> 00:16:07.320 are you ready to go through a life change? Are 293 00:16:07.360 --> 00:16:10.679 you ready to set some goals for yourself? I have 294 00:16:10.759 --> 00:16:13.759 an author who's going to tell us all how we 295 00:16:13.799 --> 00:16:18.519 can live a better life, full of joy together. You're 296 00:16:18.559 --> 00:16:21.320 listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI AM 297 00:16:21.440 --> 00:16:24.200 six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. 298 00:16:24.679 --> 00:16:28.879 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 299 00:16:29.080 --> 00:16:30.039 AM six forty. 300 00:16:30.200 --> 00:16:32.840 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI 301 00:16:33.000 --> 00:16:37.559 AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Okay, 302 00:16:37.639 --> 00:16:42.080 let me tell you something I teach my first year 303 00:16:42.159 --> 00:16:46.000 psychology students. This thing that I thought I just made 304 00:16:46.039 --> 00:16:48.559 up but apparently I didn't. And what I teached him 305 00:16:48.720 --> 00:16:51.840 is I say, you know, life is very much a 306 00:16:51.879 --> 00:16:54.879 self fulfilling prophecy. Now I'm not saying it's all woo 307 00:16:55.000 --> 00:16:58.279 woo that you know, the planets are going to line up, 308 00:16:58.279 --> 00:17:01.120 and if you believe in astrology whatever, and you can 309 00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:05.160 manifest things, they're just going to happen. No, But what 310 00:17:05.319 --> 00:17:09.640 you do, how you think, and how you behave can 311 00:17:09.759 --> 00:17:13.799 get you towards your goals. And I have a kindred 312 00:17:13.839 --> 00:17:17.519 spirit in My next guest, who is an author and 313 00:17:17.599 --> 00:17:22.400 an award winning well She wrote something called your Goal Guide, 314 00:17:22.480 --> 00:17:25.160 a roadmap for setting, planning, and achieving your goals. But 315 00:17:25.240 --> 00:17:28.240 wait her new book is called Fifty two Secrets for 316 00:17:28.319 --> 00:17:31.400 Goal Setting and Goal Getting. How to stay focused, grow 317 00:17:31.440 --> 00:17:35.839 your network, get more done with less time. Deborah Eckerling, 318 00:17:36.000 --> 00:17:37.640 Welcome to the Doctor Wendywell Show. 319 00:17:39.119 --> 00:17:42.440 Well, thank you so much, and I'm completely with you 320 00:17:42.599 --> 00:17:46.599 about the kindred thing. I mean, we have to, right, 321 00:17:46.759 --> 00:17:48.640 we have to go out and get the life we want. 322 00:17:49.079 --> 00:17:51.000 No one's going to give it to us, right. 323 00:17:51.119 --> 00:17:54.599 So you know, I always think that, you know, when 324 00:17:54.640 --> 00:17:57.400 I meet people who say, well, I just have bad 325 00:17:57.559 --> 00:18:02.400 luck or I just got dealt a poor hand of cards, 326 00:18:02.680 --> 00:18:06.039 I always say, you know, no matter what hand your dealt, 327 00:18:06.519 --> 00:18:08.920 you can still play the game. You can figure out 328 00:18:08.960 --> 00:18:11.079 how to get over that wall, around that wall, dig 329 00:18:11.200 --> 00:18:14.279 under that wall. There are ways if we can do it. 330 00:18:14.680 --> 00:18:17.440 Before we get into it, though, Deborah, let's talk about 331 00:18:17.480 --> 00:18:19.799 I'd like to start out with a why question. Why 332 00:18:19.839 --> 00:18:22.799 did you write this book Fifty two Secrets for Goal 333 00:18:22.880 --> 00:18:24.160 Setting and Goal Getting? 334 00:18:26.359 --> 00:18:30.400 Oh? So many reasons, But I believe that we all 335 00:18:30.440 --> 00:18:35.039 deserve to live as these of the life and the 336 00:18:35.119 --> 00:18:39.079 secret to success is there is no one secret. But 337 00:18:39.160 --> 00:18:42.440 what you can do is learn what works for other 338 00:18:42.519 --> 00:18:46.079 people and take their secrets for a test drive and 339 00:18:46.119 --> 00:18:49.079 see what you can incorporate to make your life better, 340 00:18:49.279 --> 00:18:51.240 to bring you closer towards your goals. 341 00:18:51.519 --> 00:18:54.359 See excuse me, that's another thing I always say, if 342 00:18:54.440 --> 00:18:57.640 you can't see it, you can't be it, right. And 343 00:18:57.680 --> 00:19:00.440 so part of your book is interviewing people who have 344 00:19:00.440 --> 00:19:02.799 achieved their goals and asked them how they got there. 345 00:19:04.400 --> 00:19:07.200 Well for the book and it's fifty two secrets, but 346 00:19:07.279 --> 00:19:12.359 I actually interviewed sixty. I call them ajievers in business 347 00:19:12.440 --> 00:19:16.119 to heck entertainment through creative Realms, and I just asked 348 00:19:16.119 --> 00:19:20.799 this question, what is your secret for setting goals? And 349 00:19:20.920 --> 00:19:25.440 we're getting goals? And so the book's divided into seven sections, 350 00:19:26.000 --> 00:19:31.400 and it covers everything from focus and productivity and networking, 351 00:19:31.480 --> 00:19:36.240 which is the subtitle, but also well being an action 352 00:19:37.079 --> 00:19:40.880 and leadership and teamwork and communications. So all these and 353 00:19:41.039 --> 00:19:44.119 believe me, I had fun. I did all these interviews 354 00:19:44.119 --> 00:19:46.400 about like, great, how am I going to sort it out? 355 00:19:46.720 --> 00:19:49.799 Because so many of these things fall into more than 356 00:19:49.799 --> 00:19:53.160 one category. But the bottom line is I happen to 357 00:19:53.200 --> 00:19:56.480 know amazing people. And everyone in the book is either 358 00:19:56.960 --> 00:19:59.920 someone I interviewed a friend which kind of means bull 359 00:20:00.559 --> 00:20:03.680 or someone in the book said, oh, you need to 360 00:20:03.720 --> 00:20:06.559 interview this person because I want to know how they 361 00:20:06.640 --> 00:20:07.920 do it all right, which. 362 00:20:07.880 --> 00:20:11.039 Really one thing led to the next exactly. 363 00:20:11.359 --> 00:20:15.400 So it's awesome mind saying, Dhy this your life may 364 00:20:15.440 --> 00:20:17.079 be better. Go for it. 365 00:20:17.160 --> 00:20:19.839 So before we get into the nitty gritty of gold setting, 366 00:20:20.240 --> 00:20:23.160 let's talk about you a little bit. You are known 367 00:20:23.319 --> 00:20:28.119 as a connector, a motivator, a facilitator. You bring communities 368 00:20:28.160 --> 00:20:30.920 and people together. You've been doing this for a long time, 369 00:20:30.960 --> 00:20:33.759 but prior to that, you were in the entertainment business. 370 00:20:34.119 --> 00:20:38.000 How did you get into the goal setting business? 371 00:20:38.039 --> 00:20:41.720 Well, actually I started out and I've been in LA 372 00:20:41.839 --> 00:20:45.160 for more than twenty five years. So before then I 373 00:20:45.319 --> 00:20:49.480 was doing events at Barnes and Noble and Chalmer Illinois, 374 00:20:49.640 --> 00:20:51.920 and whenever I need to fill my calendar, I was 375 00:20:52.000 --> 00:20:54.039 just to hang out in the cafe because I wanted 376 00:20:54.079 --> 00:20:58.920 it to be a community bookstore. And one day someone 377 00:20:58.960 --> 00:21:01.440 lot in and he's like, will you start a writer 378 00:21:01.559 --> 00:21:04.079 support group? And I said, if you think people will 379 00:21:04.119 --> 00:21:08.119 show up, let's give it a dry. And not only 380 00:21:08.279 --> 00:21:11.440 was it a success, I learned first hand the power 381 00:21:11.559 --> 00:21:14.680 of is what are you working on? How can we 382 00:21:14.720 --> 00:21:17.240 support you? What are you working on for next? Time, 383 00:21:17.799 --> 00:21:22.920 and my business background is communication and project management. I'm 384 00:21:22.920 --> 00:21:25.799 also a freelance writer by podcaster. I do like all 385 00:21:25.839 --> 00:21:29.720 of the things, but that's what set me off on 386 00:21:29.839 --> 00:21:34.799 this course of jeerleading, motivating, helping people figure out what's 387 00:21:34.920 --> 00:21:37.599 next so they can create that life that they want. 388 00:21:37.839 --> 00:21:42.200 So it's almost like where all our own project managers, 389 00:21:42.559 --> 00:21:45.039 of our own lives, and you're going to teach us 390 00:21:45.039 --> 00:21:45.640 how to do it. 391 00:21:46.519 --> 00:21:48.000 Oh totally all right? 392 00:21:48.079 --> 00:21:51.160 Yeah, first us, how you put that first question? What 393 00:21:51.440 --> 00:21:56.119 is the difference between an attainable goal and a fantasy 394 00:21:56.160 --> 00:21:59.319 pipe dream? How do we know if something's attainable or not? 395 00:22:01.000 --> 00:22:03.000 Oh? Come on, we know right? 396 00:22:05.359 --> 00:22:07.400 You mean I can't join the New York City Ballet 397 00:22:07.480 --> 00:22:14.200 now at my age? Is that what you're saying. 398 00:22:11.079 --> 00:22:16.559 Saying I'm saying anything is probable? Actually right now, it's 399 00:22:17.000 --> 00:22:20.400 I think the better question is what are you willing 400 00:22:20.480 --> 00:22:23.960 to do to create that life that you want? And 401 00:22:24.640 --> 00:22:29.279