Speaker 1: This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty The Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to The Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio App. All right, this is the part of
Speaker 1: the show where I'm digging deep into my social media dms.
Speaker 1: Remember I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but
Speaker 1: I've written three books on relationships and who I love
Speaker 1: to weigh in on your love life. If you want
Speaker 1: to send me a DM, just send it to at
Speaker 1: d R Wendy Walsh on Instagram at d R Wendy
Speaker 1: Walsh on Instagram. All right, here we go, Dear doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy says this listener, I think my situationship is dating
Speaker 1: someone else. Okay, So, for those who don't understand, a
Speaker 1: situationship is a relationship with no strings attached and nobody's
Speaker 1: defined what it really is. But this person is also
Speaker 1: using it to describe a person. They're calling the person
Speaker 1: a partner a situationationship. Okay, I think my situationship is
Speaker 1: dating someone else. He posts, really telling stories should I
Speaker 1: address it or save face and walk away. I just
Speaker 1: really like him a lot, but we've never discussed exclusivity. Okay,
Speaker 1: Now I just need to say one thing here. Honesty
Speaker 1: saves everybody a whole lot of time and situationships are
Speaker 1: very painful because everybody's living in the unknowing and nobody knows.
Speaker 1: So you know, I would say, instead of walking away,
Speaker 1: don't you want to know? Don't you want to have
Speaker 1: the conversation. Don't you want to just say, Hey, dude,
Speaker 1: I like you a lot, do you want to be exclusive?
Speaker 1: Or hey, I'm not liking what you're posting in your
Speaker 1: stories because I don't like to share you because you're
Speaker 1: real special to me. So let's figure it out. But
Speaker 1: here's the thing. If he's not having it, if he
Speaker 1: says no, I don't want to be exclusive, then you
Speaker 1: need to save your soul, you need to save your heart.
Speaker 1: You need to walk away. And that's the main reason
Speaker 1: people don't like to have these conversations because sometimes they
Speaker 1: don't want to hear the truth. They're happy to have
Speaker 1: a halfway relationship or a fantasy relationship, but they just
Speaker 1: don't want to hear the truth. So be brave have
Speaker 1: the conversation, all right? Moving along here back into the
Speaker 1: DMS on Instagram at dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay,
Speaker 1: this listener writes, Hey, doctor Wendy, how long is too
Speaker 1: long to have a texting relationship? When should he ask
Speaker 1: me out? Okay, I have something to say about this
Speaker 1: because I use this. I made this up, this rule,
Speaker 1: and then I followed it myself and it works. So
Speaker 1: my theory is, if you're on a dating app and
Speaker 1: you meet somebody after two or three texts, just say, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm not a big texture and I'm not on this
Speaker 1: app very much. If you want to give me a call,
Speaker 1: here's my phone number. If they do not call, swipe
Speaker 1: them away. You are not their cloud girl. You are
Speaker 1: not there to give them emotional satisfaction. If you want
Speaker 1: a relationship in the real world, you move it into
Speaker 1: the real world. And if they don't call, you've got
Speaker 1: to ghost them. Just wipe left, get rid of them,
Speaker 1: end it, because they're not going to convert. Remember, there
Speaker 1: are lots of people who use the dating apps and
Speaker 1: they use it for emotional stimulation, and plenty of people
Speaker 1: actually aren't even the people they say they are, so
Speaker 1: they have a bunch of people on the line. They
Speaker 1: text with them all day long. They're like somebody's robot
Speaker 1: emotional support texter. Don't don't do it. So, yeah, it's
Speaker 1: too long if you're more than three or four text
Speaker 1: and you're not getting into the real world. Okay, dear
Speaker 1: doctor Wendy, I had met a very cute and a
Speaker 1: very handsome fellow. He's both cute and handsome. I like that.
Speaker 1: He's also very sweet. Who but he asked me to
Speaker 1: be his girlfriend on our first date. Is that an
Speaker 1: automatic red flag? Okay, Well, let's talk about.
Speaker 2: What that is.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 1: Somebody who wants complete exclusivity from the beginning is somebody
Speaker 1: who probably has a lot of anxiety around attachment. They
Speaker 1: have huge abandonment issues. Perhaps they may want to control you,
Speaker 1: keep you as theirs. They're so into you. First of all,
Speaker 1: you guys haven't even gone through the exploratory stage of
Speaker 1: deciding whether you'd be compatible to be boyfriend and girlfriend.
Speaker 1: So while it's a red flag, let's talk about what
Speaker 1: it's a red flag for. And it's just indicating that
Speaker 1: maybe the person has anxiety around attachment, has you know,
Speaker 1: control issues, you don't know, So what you want to
Speaker 1: do is say that seems a little fast. I'd like
Speaker 1: to spend a little more time getting to know each other.
Speaker 1: You know, one time I dated a guy and we're
Speaker 1: like on our third date, and you know what he
Speaker 1: said to me, He goes, Okay, how about every time
Speaker 1: we say goodbye, let's have a time on the calendar
Speaker 1: when we'll see each other again. And I said, it's
Speaker 1: a little early for that. And it sounds like you
Speaker 1: have trouble containing yourself in the waiting and the not knowing, right,
Speaker 1: because you know, you had three dates with somebody who
Speaker 1: has a PhD in clinical psychology, so I can talk
Speaker 1: like that. And I said, how about you learn to
Speaker 1: self console and wait and give me a call when
Speaker 1: you have some free time, and we'll decide if we're
Speaker 1: going to get together again. You see, the very beginning
Speaker 1: of a relationship is a time of unknowing. You have
Speaker 1: to kind of hold it together. You have to kind
Speaker 1: of be cool. Right. You can't on a first date
Speaker 1: say hey, I like you, Will you be my boyfriend?
Speaker 1: Will you be my girlfriend? That shows that you can't
Speaker 1: you can't. Uh, what's the word I'm looking for?
Speaker 3: You.
Speaker 1: You just can't wait. You can't control yourself, you can't
Speaker 1: calm down, you can't self console, you can't manage your feelings. Right, So, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's kind of a red flag, but it's also an
Speaker 1: opportunity for discussion. All right, Okay, I have one more
Speaker 1: I think before we go to the break. Okay, and
Speaker 1: if you have a question you want to send me
Speaker 1: in a DM, send it to at d r Wendy
Speaker 1: Walsh on Instagram. Dear doctor, Wendy, my cousin is dating
Speaker 1: my ex crush. Let me figure that out. So you
Speaker 1: used to have a crush on somebody and obviously didn't
Speaker 1: turn out to be anything. Is just to crush and
Speaker 1: now your cousin is dating that person. I feel she
Speaker 1: absolutely crossed the line. She didn't even tell me. I
Speaker 1: found out from a mutual friend. How should I address this? Okay, So,
Speaker 1: just because you had a crush on somebody doesn't mean
Speaker 1: you own them, all right. One time, many many many
Speaker 1: years ago, I had a falling out with a roommate,
Speaker 1: no less because a guy she had a crush on
Speaker 1: who had no idea she had a crush on him,
Speaker 1: asked me out and I'm like, he's fair game if
Speaker 1: you haven't, you know whatever, Because there was another time,
Speaker 1: same roommate. By the way, another guy came up to
Speaker 1: me and said, Hey, I'd like to have dinner with you,
Speaker 1: and I said I can't because my roommate has a
Speaker 1: crush on you. We were young and dumb and saying
Speaker 1: stupid things. And he goes, well, that doesn't mean I
Speaker 1: don't even know who she is, and that's crazy. And anyway,
Speaker 1: I didn't go out to dinner with him. I did
Speaker 1: the right thing, and I was loyal to the friend.
Speaker 1: But you know what, everybody's fair game until a relationship starts.
Speaker 1: And I hope that you can be supportive of your
Speaker 1: cousin and celebrating for your cousin and go find another crush.
Speaker 1: There's lots of crushes out there, all right. When we
Speaker 1: come back, I'm going to continue to answer your relationship questions.
Speaker 1: Send them on Instagram in a DM at Dr Wendy Walsh,
Speaker 1: you're listening to the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty Welcome back to.
Speaker 1: The Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'm KFI AM six forty
Speaker 1: live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Back into the DMS
Speaker 1: on Instagram. If you have a relationship question, please send
Speaker 1: it to me in a little private message. I will
Speaker 1: keep your identity a secret. All right, let's get right
Speaker 1: into it. Let's see. Oh yes, dear doctor Wendy. Oh oh,
Speaker 1: this is going to be really sad. Dear doctor Wendy,
Speaker 1: My wife and I experienced the loss of a child. Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. It was three years ago and she
Speaker 1: has been a shell of her former self ever since.
Speaker 1: How much longer do I deal with that?
Speaker 3: This?
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, let's pause right now. This isn't about a
Speaker 1: time frame, it's about how to deal with it. Right,
Speaker 1: So you're saying, how much longer should I put up
Speaker 1: with her being a shell of herself? Well, it's not
Speaker 1: your job to heal her. It's not your job to
Speaker 1: put up with anything. It is your job as a
Speaker 1: husband to support your wife in her journey of grieving.
Speaker 1: The loss of a child is probably one of the
Speaker 1: most devastating losses and complicated. Grieving is something that psychologists
Speaker 1: would say is grieving that extends beyond one year. So
Speaker 1: I think that. But it's perfectly okay three years later
Speaker 1: to say to your wife, I know we've had this loss.
Speaker 1: We are both hurting. We need to find a way
Speaker 1: to come back into relationship and love so that our
Speaker 1: relationship doesn't die as well. Let's go to couple's therapy
Speaker 1: or would you like to? Would you like me to
Speaker 1: go to a grieving counseling group with you. You've got
Speaker 1: to find ways to support her, not sit there and
Speaker 1: wait it out. You're not waiting out something. Things don't
Speaker 1: just fix themselves. This is an opportunity. All pain. I
Speaker 1: want everyone to listen to this. All pain is an
Speaker 1: opportunity to dig deep things. Whether they're breakups or enormous
Speaker 1: losses like this, or even the loss of a job
Speaker 1: or a health issue that comes up. These are opportunities
Speaker 1: for people to explore with a licensed therapist where the
Speaker 1: growth is, because there's always growth that can come from it.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I hope
Speaker 1: you guys can find a good counselor who can help
Speaker 1: you out. All right, Dear doctor Wendy, I'm a bit scared. Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm a bit scared reading this. Man I hooked up
Speaker 1: with years ago randomly hit me up telling me he
Speaker 1: loves me. He was rude when we dated and didn't
Speaker 1: respect my boundaries. That's why it did work out. Anyway,
Speaker 1: I didn't reciprocate his love. He called me four times
Speaker 1: at one am. Oh oh, these are big red flags, folks.
Speaker 1: I didn't answer. He then cursed me out via text message,
Speaker 1: and then blocked me. He told me he will block
Speaker 1: me to protect his own mental health. Why am I
Speaker 1: his focus? We haven't talked in years. Does this sound
Speaker 1: potentially dangerous?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, yes, and yes. Okay, this is how somebody
Speaker 1: with an anxious attachment style behaves. Right, So he's been
Speaker 1: pin You went on with your life, you hooked up
Speaker 1: a few times, you moved on, right, he's still been
Speaker 1: pining away for you. You did say that when you
Speaker 1: were together, he was rude when you dated, and he
Speaker 1: didn't respect your boundaries. So I just want to tell
Speaker 1: you right now in case you're everything into getting back
Speaker 1: with him. The best way to predict somebody's future behavior
Speaker 1: is by looking at their past behavior. Okay. People don't
Speaker 1: change a whole lot unless they go to therapy with you,
Speaker 1: and you work change a whole different system. But yes,
Speaker 1: he should block you to protect his mental health, and
Speaker 1: he should go and see a therapist. You're his focus
Speaker 1: because your question why am I his focus? You are
Speaker 1: his focus because you are what a therapist would call
Speaker 1: a convenient object for his trauma, his early life trauma
Speaker 1: that he hasn't worked out.
Speaker 3: Look.
Speaker 1: I used to date on and off this playboy for
Speaker 1: like a decade, okay, And I used to say I
Speaker 1: love him, and I treated him so badly. I'd hang
Speaker 1: up on him, and then I'd call ad, why don't
Speaker 1: you call me? I cry all kinds of stuff with him,
Speaker 1: and my therapist eventually explained to me that I didn't
Speaker 1: love him, It's not about him, that my model of
Speaker 1: love was messed up, and that he was a convenient
Speaker 1: object for some earlier pain in my life that belonged
Speaker 1: back there. And when the two of us went through
Speaker 1: my childhood with a fine tooth comb, we went back
Speaker 1: to the scene of the crime, the emotional crime. We
Speaker 1: worked on processing. We healed. Now, As for you and
Speaker 1: what you're supposed to do, please do not respond to
Speaker 1: him at all, at all, at all, Okay, It does
Speaker 1: sound potentially dangerous because sometimes, more often men than women,
Speaker 1: when they have an anxious attachment style, they think the
Speaker 1: way to get rid of their pain is to somehow,
Speaker 1: I don't know, get rid of the person, or hurt
Speaker 1: the person. I think they imagine the person's actually hurting them.
Speaker 1: So I would definitely be about having any contact. Go
Speaker 1: completely no contact, and pray that he goes to a therapist. Also,
Speaker 1: if he does anything stocker ish like shows up your place,
Speaker 1: then you've got to call the police. Okay, really you do.
Speaker 1: This could be dangerous. I'm so sorry to hear about that.
Speaker 1: All right, Uh here we go again. Hey, doctor, Wendy,
Speaker 1: my ex boyfriend's best friend. Okay, ex boyfriend's best friend
Speaker 1: asked me out on a date. When we went out,
Speaker 1: all he wanted to talk about was my ex and
Speaker 1: why he was never right for me. It's true and
Speaker 1: I really like him. Could we work out or does
Speaker 1: he have the wrong intentions? You know, I think you
Speaker 1: need to I can't predict the future. I don't have
Speaker 1: a crystal ball, but I do want to say that
Speaker 1: you should say to him something like, you know, you
Speaker 1: literally should have stopped him right into it. Say I'm
Speaker 1: here having dinner with you, I'd rather talk about you
Speaker 1: than him, or you could say something like if he
Speaker 1: brings it up again, I'm wondering why you seem fixated
Speaker 1: on talking about my ex because it's true. There are
Speaker 1: men out there who target the women of other men
Speaker 1: just as a you know, a goal, right, It's just
Speaker 1: their thing. They want to They think of women as
Speaker 1: objects that men own, and they think if I'm jealous
Speaker 1: of that guy, if I get his girl, then I'll
Speaker 1: have more self esteem. So you do want to be
Speaker 1: careful about that. But I think for me to predict
Speaker 1: what's going to happen in the future is less important
Speaker 1: than you looking at this as an opportunity to bring
Speaker 1: it up and practice good communication skills. Right, I think
Speaker 1: we have time for one more quick one, Dear doctor Wendy.
Speaker 1: My husband and I have not had sex for five months.
Speaker 1: We aren't fighting. He just won't have sex with me. Oh,
Speaker 1: so you've initiated he hasn't. I think he's cheating. What's
Speaker 1: the best way to address this, Well, you're going to
Speaker 1: have to it up. You're going to have to because
Speaker 1: you can't have good sex life unless you can talk
Speaker 1: about sex so you're going to say it without being confrontational.
Speaker 1: You make that communication sandwich that I always teach. You
Speaker 1: start out with a layer of love, follow by a
Speaker 1: layer of something a little hard to chew on, and
Speaker 1: then you back it up with another layer of love.
Speaker 1: So you're going to say something like, you know, I
Speaker 1: have always loved our sex life. I find you very
Speaker 1: sexy and very attractive. I notice we haven't had sex
Speaker 1: in the last five months, and I'm very worried and
Speaker 1: concerned about that. How this is impacting our relationship because
Speaker 1: I want to get back to the love we have
Speaker 1: and if there's a way that we can discuss it,
Speaker 1: whether it's something physical, let me know, right, So don't
Speaker 1: accuse him of cheating, Just say you've noticed it and
Speaker 1: ask him how. How is a good word? How the
Speaker 1: two of you can get back to something that makes
Speaker 1: both of you happy? All right? If you ever want
Speaker 1: to send me a question during the week, just DM
Speaker 1: me on Instagram at Dr Wendy Walsh. When we come back,
Speaker 1: are you ready to go through a life change? Are
Speaker 1: you ready to set some goals for yourself? I have
Speaker 1: an author who's going to tell us all how we
Speaker 1: can live a better life, full of joy together. You're
Speaker 1: listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Okay,
Speaker 1: let me tell you something I teach my first year
Speaker 1: psychology students. This thing that I thought I just made
Speaker 1: up but apparently I didn't. And what I teached him
Speaker 1: is I say, you know, life is very much a
Speaker 1: self fulfilling prophecy. Now I'm not saying it's all woo
Speaker 1: woo that you know, the planets are going to line up,
Speaker 1: and if you believe in astrology whatever, and you can
Speaker 1: manifest things, they're just going to happen. No, But what
Speaker 1: you do, how you think, and how you behave can
Speaker 1: get you towards your goals. And I have a kindred
Speaker 1: spirit in My next guest, who is an author and
Speaker 1: an award winning well She wrote something called your Goal Guide,
Speaker 1: a roadmap for setting, planning, and achieving your goals. But
Speaker 1: wait her new book is called Fifty two Secrets for
Speaker 1: Goal Setting and Goal Getting. How to stay focused, grow
Speaker 1: your network, get more done with less time. Deborah Eckerling,
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Doctor Wendywell Show.
Speaker 3: Well, thank you so much, and I'm completely with you
Speaker 3: about the kindred thing. I mean, we have to, right,
Speaker 3: we have to go out and get the life we want.
Speaker 3: No one's going to give it to us, right.
Speaker 1: So you know, I always think that, you know, when
Speaker 1: I meet people who say, well, I just have bad
Speaker 1: luck or I just got dealt a poor hand of cards,
Speaker 1: I always say, you know, no matter what hand your dealt,
Speaker 1: you can still play the game. You can figure out
Speaker 1: how to get over that wall, around that wall, dig
Speaker 1: under that wall. There are ways if we can do it.
Speaker 1: Before we get into it, though, Deborah, let's talk about
Speaker 1: I'd like to start out with a why question. Why
Speaker 1: did you write this book Fifty two Secrets for Goal
Speaker 1: Setting and Goal Getting?
Speaker 3: Oh? So many reasons, But I believe that we all
Speaker 3: deserve to live as these of the life and the
Speaker 3: secret to success is there is no one secret. But
Speaker 3: what you can do is learn what works for other
Speaker 3: people and take their secrets for a test drive and
Speaker 3: see what you can incorporate to make your life better,
Speaker 3: to bring you closer towards your goals.
Speaker 1: See excuse me, that's another thing I always say, if
Speaker 1: you can't see it, you can't be it, right. And
Speaker 1: so part of your book is interviewing people who have
Speaker 1: achieved their goals and asked them how they got there.
Speaker 3: Well for the book and it's fifty two secrets, but
Speaker 3: I actually interviewed sixty. I call them ajievers in business
Speaker 3: to heck entertainment through creative Realms, and I just asked
Speaker 3: this question, what is your secret for setting goals? And
Speaker 3: we're getting goals? And so the book's divided into seven sections,
Speaker 3: and it covers everything from focus and productivity and networking,
Speaker 3: which is the subtitle, but also well being an action
Speaker 3: and leadership and teamwork and communications. So all these and
Speaker 3: believe me, I had fun. I did all these interviews
Speaker 3: about like, great, how am I going to sort it out?
Speaker 3: Because so many of these things fall into more than
Speaker 3: one category. But the bottom line is I happen to
Speaker 3: know amazing people. And everyone in the book is either
Speaker 3: someone I interviewed a friend which kind of means bull
Speaker 3: or someone in the book said, oh, you need to
Speaker 3: interview this person because I want to know how they
Speaker 3: do it all right, which.
Speaker 1: Really one thing led to the next exactly.
Speaker 3: So it's awesome mind saying, Dhy this your life may
Speaker 3: be better. Go for it.
Speaker 1: So before we get into the nitty gritty of gold setting,
Speaker 1: let's talk about you a little bit. You are known
Speaker 1: as a connector, a motivator, a facilitator. You bring communities
Speaker 1: and people together. You've been doing this for a long time,
Speaker 1: but prior to that, you were in the entertainment business.
Speaker 1: How did you get into the goal setting business?
Speaker 3: Well, actually I started out and I've been in LA
Speaker 3: for more than twenty five years. So before then I
Speaker 3: was doing events at Barnes and Noble and Chalmer Illinois,
Speaker 3: and whenever I need to fill my calendar, I was
Speaker 3: just to hang out in the cafe because I wanted
Speaker 3: it to be a community bookstore. And one day someone
Speaker 3: lot in and he's like, will you start a writer
Speaker 3: support group? And I said, if you think people will
Speaker 3: show up, let's give it a dry. And not only
Speaker 3: was it a success, I learned first hand the power
Speaker 3: of is what are you working on? How can we
Speaker 3: support you? What are you working on for next? Time,
Speaker 3: and my business background is communication and project management. I'm
Speaker 3: also a freelance writer by podcaster. I do like all
Speaker 3: of the things, but that's what set me off on
Speaker 3: this course of jeerleading, motivating, helping people figure out what's
Speaker 3: next so they can create that life that they want.
Speaker 1: So it's almost like where all our own project managers,
Speaker 1: of our own lives, and you're going to teach us
Speaker 1: how to do it.
Speaker 3: Oh totally all right?
Speaker 1: Yeah, first us, how you put that first question? What
Speaker 1: is the difference between an attainable goal and a fantasy
Speaker 1: pipe dream? How do we know if something's attainable or not?
Speaker 3: Oh? Come on, we know right?
Speaker 1: You mean I can't join the New York City Ballet
Speaker 1: now at my age? Is that what you're saying.
Speaker 3: Saying I'm saying anything is probable? Actually right now, it's
Speaker 3: I think the better question is what are you willing
Speaker 3: to do to create that life that you want? And
Speaker 3: we know it's always good to set those big, lofty goals,
Speaker 3: but you do want to like and I use this
Speaker 3: example in your goal Guide, which is the one that
Speaker 3: came out in twenty So if you want to be
Speaker 3: a master chef, great, if you know your way around
Speaker 3: the kitchen, You've got a way better shot. But you
Speaker 3: know that is something that you can train for and
Speaker 3: work towards. So some things are going to take longer.
Speaker 3: Some things you're going to need to get re educated. Yes,
Speaker 3: there are probably certain things we can and cannot do
Speaker 3: due to things like I don't want to be ageists.
Speaker 3: I'm sure, so maybe that's not the goal. But there
Speaker 3: are other.
Speaker 1: Places marketing and publicity for the New York City Ballet
Speaker 1: and feel like I'm a dancer? Right? Is that what
Speaker 1: you're saying, if I chose.
Speaker 3: That, or you could choose to find something that's attainable.
Speaker 3: Dance troop? Right?
Speaker 1: Okay, an old lady dance troop, that's what you're saying, gotcha, gotcha. Listen.
Speaker 3: We have to go to your.
Speaker 1: Have to go to break. When we come back, I
Speaker 1: want to talk about some of the biggest obstacles in
Speaker 1: people's lives that keep them from achieving their goals. Uh.
Speaker 1: And if there are times in our lives, once you
Speaker 1: think about this over the break debrah of when we're
Speaker 1: more likely to transition and when we need new goals,
Speaker 1: like I think there are sort of these critical moments
Speaker 1: in our lives where it's time for us to make
Speaker 1: a change. I want to talk about that when we
Speaker 1: come back. The book is called fifty two Secrets for
Speaker 1: Goal Setting and Goal Getting its author Deborah Eckerling. We
Speaker 1: have more after this. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the final segment of the Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app. My guest author and motivator. I love
Speaker 1: that word. You're a motivator, Deborah app Eckerling. Did I
Speaker 1: say that right? Eckerling?
Speaker 3: Yep.
Speaker 1: Oh great. Her book is called fifty two Secrets of
Speaker 1: Goal Setting and Goal Getting How to stay focused, grow
Speaker 1: your network, and do get more done in less time.
Speaker 1: So let's talk about obstacles first, Deborah, what are the
Speaker 1: things that most often hold people back?
Speaker 3: The thing, the thing that I say all the time
Speaker 3: is you can't get what you want. Lets you know
Speaker 3: about it is so I think be people and I'm
Speaker 3: sure you relate to this one. You hear about it
Speaker 3: all the time. People have a certain education or an
Speaker 3: experience level. They've worked in the job forever and they
Speaker 3: just don't want to give it up and they don't
Speaker 3: want to make a change. Okay, fine, be miserable now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, be misraelical in the job you hate. Is that
Speaker 1: what you're saying?
Speaker 3: Yeah, you are well, or you can give yourself the
Speaker 3: time to figure out what you want and make a
Speaker 3: plan to turn it into a reality, right. You know?
Speaker 1: During the Great Recession of two thousand and eight two
Speaker 1: thousand and nine, I reframed what was going on. I
Speaker 1: was a single mom with two little kids, one hundred
Speaker 1: percent custody, zero dollars child support, and all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: we were all hanging on by a thread. And I
Speaker 1: thought to myself, you know, we're always saying that there
Speaker 1: are things we want to do in life, but we
Speaker 1: never have the time. And when we have the time,
Speaker 1: we say we don't have the money. And here I
Speaker 1: am with time but no money. But what if I
Speaker 1: always wanted to do?
Speaker 3: So?
Speaker 1: I took a little, a risky thing, a line of
Speaker 1: credit out on my real estate during a recession, and
Speaker 1: went to culinary school because I always wanted to learn
Speaker 1: how to cook, and I said, I'm being given the
Speaker 1: gift of time. So sometimes I think we have to
Speaker 1: look at our obstacles and reframe them. Would you say that,
Speaker 1: I would say.
Speaker 3: All the time, and we do it. About your goal
Speaker 3: guide before that came out in January twenty twenty, so
Speaker 3: six weeks before the world got changed by circumstance, out
Speaker 3: came my book saying you can't embrace change, whether it
Speaker 3: is by choice or a vice circumstance. And I think
Speaker 3: that's really the thing with goals. If you have to choose,
Speaker 3: you want something.
Speaker 1: Different, exactly make that choice. Now, there are times in
Speaker 1: people's lives where change. I mean, first of all, living
Speaker 1: is about change. It's constantly changing, but there are pivotal moments,
Speaker 1: critical moments when people do transition. You know, at the
Speaker 1: beginning of this year, I have a newsletter. It's not
Speaker 1: a huge list, like you know, a few thousand people,
Speaker 1: mostly KFI listeners and friends and family, And I send
Speaker 1: newsletters maybe a few times a year, and I wrote
Speaker 1: a very personal one in January about how now that
Speaker 1: I have an empty nest, now that I have a
Speaker 1: new husband and marriage, what's next? For me and how
Speaker 1: sitting in this place of unknowing, this no goal has
Speaker 1: been a terrible space for me to live in. What
Speaker 1: would you, as a connector, motivator and facilitator Deborah Eckerling,
Speaker 1: tell me, had you read that newsletter from me, I.
Speaker 3: Would say, congratulations. Now think about what do you want
Speaker 3: to fill the space with? You know, what do you want?
Speaker 3: In so I my menthodology is called the dead method.
Speaker 3: Of course, it chans for determine your mission, explore your options,
Speaker 3: range from your path and usually when I'm working with
Speaker 3: a hiner doing workshops, we really focus in on the
Speaker 3: d because, as I said before, you can't get what
Speaker 3: you want unless you know what that is. But you
Speaker 3: also need to give yourself the time to be like
Speaker 3: I love your culinary school story. It's like, what is
Speaker 3: the thing that you've always wanted to do? And I
Speaker 3: believe people most of the time know the answer, they
Speaker 3: just don't take the time to ask themselves the question
Speaker 3: and they really think like hmmm, So I would say,
Speaker 3: this guy's a limit. So what next for you?
Speaker 1: You sound like my therapist, by the way. She always says,
Speaker 1: you rush to do things too quickly, and sometimes you
Speaker 1: need to sit and wait and feel and think and
Speaker 1: let the opportunity. Now that advice she might not give
Speaker 1: to other people who might be procrastinators. I'm not that.
Speaker 1: I'm a busy barbie who always needs to have a project.
Speaker 1: So she said, you know, this is a time for
Speaker 1: you to sit in the feelings and see what bubbles up,
Speaker 1: which is an interesting advice. Now, one of the things
Speaker 1: we were talking about transitions, So the times of lives
Speaker 1: when people set goals, most often obviously young adult life
Speaker 1: with their education, getting their career launched, sometimes after empty nest,
Speaker 1: sometimes after a divorce or god forbid, the death of
Speaker 1: a loved one. And is that when you see people
Speaker 1: most going who am I? Where am I going? How
Speaker 1: can I set these goals?
Speaker 3: I would like to say yes, but no, really, I
Speaker 3: feel like, well, I feel like we're living in a
Speaker 3: space and in a time where people feel like they
Speaker 3: have control over nothing that's going on in the world,
Speaker 3: and for most people they don't. But what you can
Speaker 3: do is say, what is something that's going to bring
Speaker 3: me joy? And not everybody has the option of, oh,
Speaker 3: I'm just going to quit my job and go after
Speaker 3: a fantasy, because we know that is also not realistic.
Speaker 3: But what you can't think about is what is a thing?
Speaker 3: What is the something? What is a hobby? Or if
Speaker 3: I always wanted to write the great American novel prison Writer,
Speaker 3: I have to say that what is that thing that
Speaker 3: when you think about you cannot help but smile? Find
Speaker 3: a way. And this is the other secret. Look at
Speaker 3: your life and say, hmm, I've got like an hour
Speaker 3: a week I could devote to something that is joy,
Speaker 3: and you put in the calendar and you spend that
Speaker 3: time exploring, trying new things. And then when you hit
Speaker 3: on the thing that really gives you that a happy factor,
Speaker 3: see what develops from that. In that way, when you
Speaker 3: feel like life is out of control, or you don't
Speaker 3: love your job or whatever, you can remember that that
Speaker 3: is not your entire life. You've got this fun thing,
Speaker 3: this thing that you love, and you gotta lot that
Speaker 3: joy kind of spill over into the other part of
Speaker 3: your life, and that's going to help you stay motivated
Speaker 3: and keep moving forward no matter what your journey.
Speaker 1: So before we go, Debrah Eckerlig, if there's one piece
Speaker 1: of advice you would have for our listeners who are
Speaker 1: feeling stuck, maybe trapped in a job they don't like,
Speaker 1: or a relationship they don't like, but they have to
Speaker 1: for all kinds of reasons. What bit of advice would
Speaker 1: you give to people who are feeling stuck.
Speaker 3: I've got this exercise. I like. It's my take on journaling,
Speaker 3: and I go all it direct to journaling and basically,
Speaker 3: I know, real original. Basically, give yourself like three or
Speaker 3: four fifteen minute appointments and just write out what's next
Speaker 3: for me or what brings me joy? And do this three,
Speaker 3: four or five times, don't read it, and then go
Speaker 3: back and look through it and say, hmmm, I really
Speaker 3: like this thing. So you are not only gifting yourself
Speaker 3: the time to explore what's next, but you're really saying
Speaker 3: you're committing to it, to finding a solution, to find
Speaker 3: something that's going to bring you a happy and do
Speaker 3: some of that and hopefully it will take you to
Speaker 3: a wonderful place, because isn't that always The goal is
Speaker 3: to live a happy and fulfilling life.
Speaker 1: And I love this idea of just fifteen minutes a
Speaker 1: few times a week because people I suspect we'll start
Speaker 1: to see themes crop up and oh I mentioned this
Speaker 1: a few times. Maybe this is the big thing.
Speaker 3: Yes, exactly, because we forget we get so busy, well
Speaker 3: not you and I, but most people, right, they get
Speaker 3: so busy that they forget that there's more to life
Speaker 3: than the d oil and when you hit the pause button,
Speaker 3: even if even if you have five minutes, but do
Speaker 3: they hit the by the pause button and explore the
Speaker 3: things that you love. You're going to stumble up on
Speaker 3: something and you're going to create something amazing.
Speaker 1: Debrah Eckerling, thank you so much for being with us.
Speaker 1: Her book is called fifty two Secrets for Goal Setting
Speaker 1: and goal getting out of Stay focused, grow your network,
Speaker 1: and get more done in less time. I'm going to
Speaker 1: love this book. Thanks so much for being with me,
Speaker 1: and that brings the Doctor Wendy Wall Show to a close.
Speaker 1: It is always my pleasure to be with you on
Speaker 1: Sunday nights. If you'd like to follow me on my
Speaker 1: social media, you certainly may. I'm back active again after
Speaker 1: taking a year off, so it's fun and my handle
Speaker 1: is at doctor Wendy Walsh. You've been listening to the
Speaker 1: Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI Am six forty live
Speaker 1: everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI
Speaker 1: Am six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday
Speaker 1: and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app