WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.200 --> 00:00:03.359 The cost of my infidelity. At the suggestion of my therapist, 2 00:00:03.600 --> 00:00:06.160 I've decided to write out and share what has transpired 3 00:00:06.200 --> 00:00:08.119 in my life over the last year. To get this 4 00:00:08.199 --> 00:00:10.400 to make any coherent sense took lots of edits and 5 00:00:10.439 --> 00:00:13.359 couple of rewrites. I used to be a fairly talented writer, 6 00:00:13.640 --> 00:00:16.160 but I fell out of practice years ago. This forum 7 00:00:16.239 --> 00:00:18.199 was recommended to me by a friend as a method 8 00:00:18.199 --> 00:00:21.160 of confession, penance and a warning to share with others. 9 00:00:21.399 --> 00:00:24.280 I did something truly horrible, for which the consequences were 10 00:00:24.320 --> 00:00:26.559 beyond even the worst thing I could have ever imagined. 11 00:00:26.760 --> 00:00:28.879 I am sharing this with the full knowledge many will 12 00:00:28.920 --> 00:00:31.039 despise me for what I did and the events that 13 00:00:31.079 --> 00:00:34.079 took place because of my betrayal. Reading my own words 14 00:00:34.159 --> 00:00:36.479 is rebolting, because I know, in a very real sense 15 00:00:36.479 --> 00:00:39.320 what I did is unforgivable. I understand far too well 16 00:00:39.320 --> 00:00:42.640 how needlessly tragic the events that transpired truly were. My 17 00:00:42.759 --> 00:00:45.159 hope is simply that my story can be shared with 18 00:00:45.200 --> 00:00:49.320 anyone in any relationship, and perhaps some future betrayal won't happen. 19 00:00:49.560 --> 00:00:52.399 More specifically, I hope someone who is currently cheating on 20 00:00:52.439 --> 00:00:55.200 their significant other or even thinking about it, might read this, 21 00:00:55.399 --> 00:00:57.960 and it makes them pause. Many might think my example 22 00:00:58.000 --> 00:01:00.479 of what can go wrong being unfaithful as an extreme 23 00:01:00.560 --> 00:01:03.399 rarity that seldom occurs. I've been told by people far 24 00:01:03.479 --> 00:01:06.560 more knowledgeable than I am that my situation is sadly 25 00:01:06.599 --> 00:01:08.840 far from unique. But I'm willing to take the hate 26 00:01:08.879 --> 00:01:11.280 I will receive by sharing this if it keeps even 27 00:01:11.319 --> 00:01:13.560 one person from breaking the heart of someone they love. 28 00:01:13.840 --> 00:01:15.959 I am a twenty eight year old female, and I 29 00:01:16.040 --> 00:01:18.400 was married to a wonderful man I will call William. 30 00:01:18.480 --> 00:01:21.239 Eight months ago, my husband confronted me with proof I 31 00:01:21.280 --> 00:01:24.400 had been both emotionally and physically unfaithful. A few days 32 00:01:24.439 --> 00:01:28.159 after he confronted me about my infidelity, my husband committed suicide. 33 00:01:28.400 --> 00:01:30.959 I realized just typing those words out has caused people, 34 00:01:31.200 --> 00:01:33.760 people I don't even know, to hate me. I couldn't 35 00:01:33.760 --> 00:01:36.120 believe I had the capability to do something that evil, 36 00:01:36.159 --> 00:01:38.439 to harm someone I'd loved since we were children, But 37 00:01:38.519 --> 00:01:40.640 I did it. If you'd asked either me or William 38 00:01:40.680 --> 00:01:43.040 if either of us would ever be unfaithful, we both 39 00:01:43.079 --> 00:01:45.760 would have laughed. But to my own shock and surprise, 40 00:01:45.879 --> 00:01:48.599 I allowed myself to lose focus and straight I knew 41 00:01:48.599 --> 00:01:50.719 it would destroy him if he ever found out. But 42 00:01:50.760 --> 00:01:52.400 I took the heart of the man I loved and 43 00:01:52.439 --> 00:01:54.760 crushed it so cruelly he couldn't endure the pain of 44 00:01:54.760 --> 00:01:57.239 this life anymore. Those of you thinking right now that 45 00:01:57.280 --> 00:01:59.599 I don't deserve to be breathing, I agree with you. 46 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:01.959 I agree with you so much. I've attempted on two 47 00:02:01.959 --> 00:02:04.599 occasions to make that a reality. I'm assured there is 48 00:02:04.640 --> 00:02:07.200 a reason I'm still here for the moment. I've convinced 49 00:02:07.200 --> 00:02:09.759 myself that the longer I live, the more I suffer, 50 00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:12.159 and I don't deserve the mercy of a suicide if 51 00:02:12.159 --> 00:02:15.039 we're being honest. William and I grew up together. I 52 00:02:15.080 --> 00:02:17.439 can remember my very early youth, and at no time 53 00:02:17.479 --> 00:02:19.719 in my memory did I not know William. We were 54 00:02:19.719 --> 00:02:23.080 in the same Sunday school classes, public school classes, and 55 00:02:23.159 --> 00:02:25.319 our families had been friends long before he and I 56 00:02:25.360 --> 00:02:28.159 ever came along. He could always make me laugh. Kids 57 00:02:28.199 --> 00:02:31.120 can be mean, but William never was. I realized I 58 00:02:31.159 --> 00:02:33.400 thought he was cute in sixth grade. It wasn't an 59 00:02:33.439 --> 00:02:36.120 official crush until high school. William and I had been 60 00:02:36.159 --> 00:02:38.479 our one and only loves from early high school all 61 00:02:38.520 --> 00:02:41.120 the way through college together. We were best friends and 62 00:02:41.240 --> 00:02:44.120 cherished each other so much. After graduation, we took a 63 00:02:44.199 --> 00:02:46.680 year to get good stable jobs near our families and 64 00:02:46.719 --> 00:02:49.879 decided to get married. We took vacations together. We made 65 00:02:49.919 --> 00:02:52.080 love at any moment we got the chance. We were 66 00:02:52.159 --> 00:02:54.960 ravenous for each other. The only time TAX was at 67 00:02:54.960 --> 00:02:56.960 the table was during that time of the month. But 68 00:02:57.039 --> 00:03:00.280 we'd make love for hours, beautiful moments of passion, and 69 00:03:00.319 --> 00:03:03.680 I threw it all away for something tawdry, cheap, and worthless. 70 00:03:03.879 --> 00:03:06.280 We were planning to have children. We knew their names. 71 00:03:06.520 --> 00:03:09.039 We were both virgins. He was my first everything and 72 00:03:09.120 --> 00:03:11.360 I was his first everything. Part of me wishes I 73 00:03:11.400 --> 00:03:13.840 could say I had a drunken one night stand. Tried 74 00:03:13.879 --> 00:03:16.439 to keep that from my husband, but he found out. No. 75 00:03:17.000 --> 00:03:19.599 I got emotionally and physically involved with a man who 76 00:03:19.680 --> 00:03:22.960 was inferior to my husband in every way, shape and formed. 77 00:03:23.159 --> 00:03:25.840 I didn't even consider the possibility that a friendship with 78 00:03:25.879 --> 00:03:28.280 another man could lead to an attachment for me. My 79 00:03:28.360 --> 00:03:30.919 husband and I had a strong marriage. As foolish as 80 00:03:30.919 --> 00:03:33.879 that sounds to say now, we really did. My husband 81 00:03:33.919 --> 00:03:36.080 was the epitome of strength. I was the one who 82 00:03:36.240 --> 00:03:39.879 was weak. Though before this I considered myself a strong woman. 83 00:03:40.159 --> 00:03:42.159 It's just that no one ever told me that while 84 00:03:42.159 --> 00:03:45.800 our relationship was so very strong, no relationship is bulletproof. 85 00:03:46.080 --> 00:03:47.759 There is not a day that goes by that I 86 00:03:47.800 --> 00:03:49.919 don't wish someone had walked up and shot me the 87 00:03:49.960 --> 00:03:52.759 minute before anything I did became secretive. It is an 88 00:03:52.759 --> 00:03:55.360 indisputable fact. The world would be far a far better 89 00:03:55.400 --> 00:03:57.599 place with my husband here and alive instead of me. 90 00:03:57.879 --> 00:04:00.719 There is no rationalizing away truth like that. I had 91 00:04:00.759 --> 00:04:03.479 so many chances to stop it before anything happened, and 92 00:04:03.520 --> 00:04:06.199 I had absolutely no reason to allow anything to happen. 93 00:04:06.439 --> 00:04:09.599 After a brief and heated conversation, he walked out and 94 00:04:09.639 --> 00:04:12.159 I never spoke to him again. I tried to contact 95 00:04:12.199 --> 00:04:13.879 him in any and every way I could think of. 96 00:04:14.199 --> 00:04:16.199 My God, I tried to reach out so many times, 97 00:04:16.279 --> 00:04:18.079 just to let him know that I am truly sorry, 98 00:04:18.399 --> 00:04:20.519 just to know I hate what I did. My texts 99 00:04:20.560 --> 00:04:23.560 to him never showed anything but an unread status to me, 100 00:04:23.959 --> 00:04:26.560 so I doubt he read any emails or heard any 101 00:04:26.639 --> 00:04:29.279 voicemails either. But everyone said I needed to give him 102 00:04:29.319 --> 00:04:32.319 space and time to think. Two nights after William confronted 103 00:04:32.319 --> 00:04:34.879 me at three seventeen am, there was a loud knock 104 00:04:34.920 --> 00:04:37.199 at the front door. I turned on the lights. I 105 00:04:37.199 --> 00:04:39.240 thought at first it might be someone in a drunken 106 00:04:39.240 --> 00:04:41.639 stupor wanting to curse me out, or worse. Then there 107 00:04:41.720 --> 00:04:43.959 was another loud knock, and I threw on a hoodie 108 00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:46.120 before heading to the door. When I opened the door 109 00:04:46.120 --> 00:04:48.720 to see two policeman, I knew they could have been 110 00:04:48.720 --> 00:04:51.000 there for many things, but I knew in an instant 111 00:04:51.000 --> 00:04:53.120 why they were there. Their words telling me that my 112 00:04:53.199 --> 00:04:55.920 husband's body had been found due to an apparent suicide 113 00:04:55.920 --> 00:04:58.160 destroyed me. I dropped to my knees and wailed a 114 00:04:58.199 --> 00:05:00.480 shriek of agony. I tore at my skin and hair 115 00:05:00.519 --> 00:05:02.560 as the police tried to calm me down. By the 116 00:05:02.600 --> 00:05:05.360 time the EMTs got there, I was sitting on the steps, 117 00:05:05.439 --> 00:05:09.480 rocking back and forth, repeating that I was so so sorry. Yeah, 118 00:05:09.680 --> 00:05:11.800 there was no way I was making it to the funeral, 119 00:05:11.839 --> 00:05:14.439 even if William's family had allowed any of my family 120 00:05:14.480 --> 00:05:17.319 to attend. I was kept sedated for days. The first 121 00:05:17.319 --> 00:05:18.800 thing I wanted to do when I got out was 122 00:05:18.879 --> 00:05:21.439 visit William's grave, but nobody knew where his parents had 123 00:05:21.480 --> 00:05:24.279 him buried. They had every right, but that cut deeply, 124 00:05:24.560 --> 00:05:26.319 and I tried to cut deeply that night when I 125 00:05:26.360 --> 00:05:28.519 tried to take my life for the first time. I've 126 00:05:28.519 --> 00:05:32.160 now been hospitalized now twice for attempted suicide. Not asking 127 00:05:32.199 --> 00:05:34.680 for pity. In fact, I don't want it. Nothing can 128 00:05:34.720 --> 00:05:37.279 take this heartache away, and nothing can even numb it. 129 00:05:37.399 --> 00:05:39.519 Part of me wishes I had somehow forced him to 130 00:05:39.519 --> 00:05:41.439 see me, just for a mere moment, to tell him 131 00:05:41.439 --> 00:05:43.360 how sorry I am, and that I knew our marriage 132 00:05:43.399 --> 00:05:46.199 was over. But I didn't get that. No, I didn't 133 00:05:46.240 --> 00:05:48.160 deserve it, and I have to face the fact that 134 00:05:48.199 --> 00:05:50.560 what I did was in fact so while that making 135 00:05:50.560 --> 00:05:52.519 my husband see me might have forced him to take 136 00:05:52.560 --> 00:05:54.879 his life even sooner. Many people have said to me 137 00:05:54.959 --> 00:05:57.040 my actions were what led him to take his life. 138 00:05:57.160 --> 00:05:59.680 I don't think there is any doubt. Until that horrible day, 139 00:05:59.680 --> 00:06:02.439 he'd been and so unbelievably happy we both had been. 140 00:06:02.759 --> 00:06:05.079 He left no suicide note to verify I was his 141 00:06:05.199 --> 00:06:07.920 cause of death, but we had been so happy, we loved, 142 00:06:07.920 --> 00:06:10.639 spending nearly every moment together. To go from that kind 143 00:06:10.639 --> 00:06:12.399 of bliss to that kind of grief in such a 144 00:06:12.439 --> 00:06:15.480 short span of time ended him. I ended him. My words, 145 00:06:15.480 --> 00:06:18.480 actions and thoughts betrayed us both. Regret doesn't kill you. 146 00:06:18.800 --> 00:06:21.160 If it did, I would have died before my husband 147 00:06:21.160 --> 00:06:25.000 ever confronted me. When COVID hit, William and I quarantined together. 148 00:06:25.279 --> 00:06:28.199 I was fortunate enough to teach for an exclusive private school. 149 00:06:28.399 --> 00:06:31.000 The benefactors assured us our salary was paid as long 150 00:06:31.040 --> 00:06:34.439 as the need for isolation persisted. William worked from home 151 00:06:34.480 --> 00:06:36.560 and made a lot of progress on a project he 152 00:06:36.639 --> 00:06:39.199 was placed in charge of. The entire world was worried 153 00:06:39.199 --> 00:06:41.519 and afraid, but we had each other, and we so 154 00:06:41.680 --> 00:06:44.199 enjoyed making the most of it, watching movies in bed, 155 00:06:44.399 --> 00:06:47.399 feeding each other food, playing like two little kids. I 156 00:06:47.439 --> 00:06:50.600 am utterly, truly, completely sorry to those that lost a 157 00:06:50.639 --> 00:06:53.360 loved one due to that horrible disease. What the world 158 00:06:53.399 --> 00:06:56.199 went through was a literal plague upon humanity that caused 159 00:06:56.199 --> 00:06:58.720 so much needless death. But my husband and I got 160 00:06:58.759 --> 00:07:01.120 closer in those weeks than we ever had before, and 161 00:07:01.199 --> 00:07:03.720 our bond had been strong. We joked about how so 162 00:07:03.839 --> 00:07:06.319 many people were hating having to spend time with family 163 00:07:06.399 --> 00:07:09.160 or god forbid their wife or husband. We simply couldn't 164 00:07:09.160 --> 00:07:11.399 get enough of each other. After the first month, we 165 00:07:11.480 --> 00:07:13.360 had to agree to limit text to once a day 166 00:07:13.360 --> 00:07:16.439 for about a week. Our only argument the entire quarantine 167 00:07:16.480 --> 00:07:18.480 was about having to do laundry just to put clean 168 00:07:18.519 --> 00:07:21.199 sheets on the bed yet again. And I cheated on 169 00:07:21.240 --> 00:07:23.519 that man, which drove him to exit this life due 170 00:07:23.560 --> 00:07:25.680 to my evil actions. A man I had such a 171 00:07:25.680 --> 00:07:28.480 close bond with I was an idiot in so many ways, 172 00:07:28.680 --> 00:07:30.759 But for me to think because of that bond, no 173 00:07:30.879 --> 00:07:33.160 temptation was enough to get me to stray with idiocy. 174 00:07:33.439 --> 00:07:36.120 I hate myself in so many ways for so many reasons, 175 00:07:36.319 --> 00:07:38.480 but knowing I had at all is the most difficult 176 00:07:38.519 --> 00:07:41.279 pill to swallow. My affair was atypical of most in 177 00:07:41.319 --> 00:07:44.519 many ways. Some aspects of the relationship and betrayal were 178 00:07:44.560 --> 00:07:47.480 slightly less vile. Some were colder and even more evil. 179 00:07:47.720 --> 00:07:49.759 The man I had an affair with I will call Paul. 180 00:07:50.040 --> 00:07:52.959 I first encountered him in group zoom meetings during the pandemic. 181 00:07:53.199 --> 00:07:55.560 I found him brash and smug, with no valid reason 182 00:07:55.600 --> 00:07:58.199 to act that way. He was the school's lacrosse coach, 183 00:07:58.240 --> 00:08:00.519 and I remember in those Zoom meetings being glad that 184 00:08:00.560 --> 00:08:03.120 as an English teacher, I would have too interact with him. 185 00:08:03.199 --> 00:08:05.399 Very little. The first time we met face to face, 186 00:08:05.439 --> 00:08:07.639 we shook hands and had some small talk. There was 187 00:08:07.759 --> 00:08:10.279 zero attraction, at least for me toward him, but I 188 00:08:10.279 --> 00:08:13.120 didn't sense any lustful attention emulating from him toward me. 189 00:08:13.360 --> 00:08:15.920 During that introduction, I learned he was engaged, and I 190 00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:18.279 told him I was happily married to a man I adored. 191 00:08:18.519 --> 00:08:21.319 No actual attention, nothing even hinting that would ever be 192 00:08:21.360 --> 00:08:24.399 a possibility. The school began allowing half the staff in 193 00:08:24.439 --> 00:08:26.879 all areas and half the students to attend school for 194 00:08:26.920 --> 00:08:29.319 a week while the other half used zoom. The next week, 195 00:08:29.360 --> 00:08:31.759 the other half would attend on side and vice versa. 196 00:08:31.800 --> 00:08:34.360 That was supposed to assist with social distancing and the 197 00:08:34.360 --> 00:08:37.679 student's feelings of isolation. While eating lunch one day before 198 00:08:37.679 --> 00:08:40.279 my next class began, I got an email from Paul. 199 00:08:40.559 --> 00:08:42.519 He had written out some toasts and jokes for his 200 00:08:42.639 --> 00:08:44.799 upcoming wedding and wanted me to edit what he'd written. 201 00:08:45.000 --> 00:08:47.159 I was used to being sent writing to edit, so 202 00:08:47.240 --> 00:08:50.240 that was nothing I felt important enough to tell William, 203 00:08:50.279 --> 00:08:52.480 Coupled with the fact it all pertained to Paul's wedding, 204 00:08:52.480 --> 00:08:54.440 and I saw no reason to give my husband a 205 00:08:54.440 --> 00:08:57.399 boring detail about that day. The email contained a toast 206 00:08:57.399 --> 00:08:59.120 to his parents as well as to the parents of 207 00:08:59.159 --> 00:09:01.320 the bride. He took what he'd said and added a 208 00:09:01.320 --> 00:09:03.399 few phrases to pull at the heart strings of all 209 00:09:03.440 --> 00:09:06.639 who attended. The jokes directed at his brother the best man, 210 00:09:06.679 --> 00:09:09.440 were absolutely hilarious, but a little vulgar for my liking 211 00:09:09.440 --> 00:09:11.399 at a wedding. I said as much when I sent 212 00:09:11.440 --> 00:09:14.000 back his edited speeches. He laughed and said, I just 213 00:09:14.039 --> 00:09:16.120 don't know his family, and that ball busting was a 214 00:09:16.120 --> 00:09:20.000 family tradition. That email exchange began several months of corresponding 215 00:09:20.039 --> 00:09:22.559 back and forth, but as difficult as it may believe, 216 00:09:22.840 --> 00:09:25.840 not until the very end did anything become inappropriate. Not 217 00:09:26.000 --> 00:09:29.360 once did anything become flirtatious or as true. Well, we 218 00:09:29.480 --> 00:09:32.759 did talk about tax but from a purely scientific and 219 00:09:32.759 --> 00:09:35.679 psychological point of view, our tax talks at that point 220 00:09:35.679 --> 00:09:38.120 would have made the biggest an infomania in history drier 221 00:09:38.159 --> 00:09:41.559 than the Sahara. There was nothing emotional or physically stimulating 222 00:09:41.559 --> 00:09:44.679 to those conversations, and I enjoyed our corresponding due to 223 00:09:44.679 --> 00:09:46.840 the fact I was certain there was no temptation on 224 00:09:46.879 --> 00:09:51.840 either end. We discussed race, politics, religion, science, sports, all 225 00:09:51.879 --> 00:09:54.960 the things people are hesitant to discuss due to differing opinions. 226 00:09:55.240 --> 00:09:57.799 Some of the discussions even got heated. I was called 227 00:09:57.799 --> 00:10:00.799 to Proude more than once due to my opinions about tex. Yes, 228 00:10:01.159 --> 00:10:03.360 I proved him wrong, but I wish to god he'd 229 00:10:03.399 --> 00:10:05.600 been right for the longest time. All of this took 230 00:10:05.639 --> 00:10:07.919 place during work hours. My husband and I had a 231 00:10:08.000 --> 00:10:10.679 landline for emergencies, but as soon as we entered the 232 00:10:10.679 --> 00:10:13.840 door at home, our smartphones were turned off. Paul didn't 233 00:10:13.840 --> 00:10:16.200 even have my number to text until I emailed him 234 00:10:16.240 --> 00:10:17.840 with a zinger at the end late in the day, 235 00:10:18.080 --> 00:10:20.799 he demanded my number to refute what I'd said. Dozens 236 00:10:20.799 --> 00:10:23.320 of other coworkers had my email, and I thought nothing 237 00:10:23.360 --> 00:10:26.000 of that. I seriously don't think Paul had any interest 238 00:10:26.000 --> 00:10:27.960 in pursuing me either, as at the time he was 239 00:10:28.000 --> 00:10:30.799 smitten with his fiance. But about a month before their 240 00:10:30.799 --> 00:10:33.320 big day, Paul found out his girlfriend had been carrying 241 00:10:33.360 --> 00:10:35.759 on an affair with her high school boyfriend for over 242 00:10:35.799 --> 00:10:38.200 a year. He was in shock and deeply hurt by 243 00:10:38.200 --> 00:10:41.519 the whole situation. I ownwittingly became his person event too. 244 00:10:41.759 --> 00:10:44.039 I don't know where in our string of conversations that 245 00:10:44.080 --> 00:10:46.639 things crossed a line, but I began to feel truly 246 00:10:46.679 --> 00:10:49.799 sorry for Paul. I truly despised his fiance for what 247 00:10:49.840 --> 00:10:52.120 she'd done, and I saw nothing wrong with that. But 248 00:10:52.200 --> 00:10:54.559 after a particularly rough night for him, he came to 249 00:10:54.600 --> 00:10:57.000 school looking frazzled and I could tell he'd been crying. 250 00:10:57.240 --> 00:10:59.039 I gave him a hug and talked to him a bit. 251 00:10:59.200 --> 00:11:01.639 He asked if I could day after school to talk, 252 00:11:01.919 --> 00:11:04.159 since I had a couple hours after work each day 253 00:11:04.159 --> 00:11:07.639 before William got home. I agreed. In hindsight, I realized 254 00:11:07.639 --> 00:11:10.000 now what drew me into my conversations with Paul was 255 00:11:10.039 --> 00:11:12.799 a different opinion. William and I had discussed most any 256 00:11:12.840 --> 00:11:15.679 topic two people could discuss. I knew before his reply 257 00:11:15.799 --> 00:11:17.720 what William would say when I asked him a question. 258 00:11:17.799 --> 00:11:20.159 The vast majority of the time, I guess I wanted 259 00:11:20.200 --> 00:11:23.960 a surprise when I talked, or verbal conflict. It was stupid, pathetic, 260 00:11:24.240 --> 00:11:26.440 and weak, but that is what led to the affair. 261 00:11:26.720 --> 00:11:29.759 Things with William were ideal and we spent every available 262 00:11:29.759 --> 00:11:32.600 moment together. I had mentioned a coworker named Paul in 263 00:11:32.720 --> 00:11:35.639 passing to William, but as there was truly nothing going on, 264 00:11:35.919 --> 00:11:38.440 I didn't expound upon anything, and he saw no reason 265 00:11:38.440 --> 00:11:41.159 to pry. When Paul started seeing a new woman, I 266 00:11:41.240 --> 00:11:44.480 felt no jealousy and honestly only happiness for him. But 267 00:11:44.600 --> 00:11:46.720 William had to go out of town to a construction 268 00:11:46.879 --> 00:11:49.399 site in Tulsa for three weeks. While he was away, 269 00:11:49.639 --> 00:11:52.320 we facetimed every day and I missed him morning, noon, 270 00:11:52.639 --> 00:11:55.440 and night. But with sudden spare time, I found myself 271 00:11:55.480 --> 00:11:58.320 also texting with Paul just to pass the time. Instead 272 00:11:58.360 --> 00:12:01.039 of an occasional hour or two after school, Paul and 273 00:12:01.120 --> 00:12:03.080 I often had time to grab a bite to eat 274 00:12:03.080 --> 00:12:05.559 and a drink or two before heading to our separate homes. 275 00:12:05.759 --> 00:12:08.440 Oddly enough, the thing that led us to become physical 276 00:12:08.519 --> 00:12:10.399 was me being a klutz and a school nurse not 277 00:12:10.480 --> 00:12:13.360 working that week. I sprained my ankle one day walking 278 00:12:13.399 --> 00:12:15.799 up some steps to go get lunch. Since the nurse 279 00:12:15.879 --> 00:12:18.080 was not on site, I went to Paul, assuming he's 280 00:12:18.120 --> 00:12:20.600 a coach, had numbing spray or an ace bandage. He 281 00:12:20.679 --> 00:12:22.679 was working on my ankle when I happened to notice 282 00:12:22.679 --> 00:12:25.039 he had an apparent direction. I was a bit taken 283 00:12:25.039 --> 00:12:27.559 aback he was getting aroused in some way, until I 284 00:12:27.600 --> 00:12:30.399 realized from his position he could see slightly up my skirt. 285 00:12:30.559 --> 00:12:32.679 I have to admit, for a moment, I found the 286 00:12:32.679 --> 00:12:35.080 fact I was turning him on was stimulating in some way. 287 00:12:35.320 --> 00:12:37.639 I adjusted myself to see if a slightly better view 288 00:12:37.679 --> 00:12:39.759 would get him more worked out. He called me out 289 00:12:39.759 --> 00:12:41.600 on it. I laughed and told him he could work 290 00:12:41.639 --> 00:12:44.840 out his frustrations with his new girlfriend. Suddenly, he kissed me, 291 00:12:45.080 --> 00:12:47.279 and I pushed him away. He kissed me again, and 292 00:12:47.360 --> 00:12:49.559 I didn't. We made out for a few minutes before 293 00:12:49.600 --> 00:12:51.919 I realized what I was doing. I hurriedly got out 294 00:12:51.919 --> 00:12:53.879 of his classroom and made it down the halls to 295 00:12:53.919 --> 00:12:56.960 my classroom. I sat in disbelief of what had just occurred. 296 00:12:57.120 --> 00:12:58.840 I didn't plan for it to happen, and I was 297 00:12:58.879 --> 00:13:01.120 certain Paul didn't either. I didn't know if I should 298 00:13:01.120 --> 00:13:03.399 call William and tell him that moment will wait until 299 00:13:03.399 --> 00:13:05.159 he got home that night. But when I talked to 300 00:13:05.200 --> 00:13:08.200 Paul after classes, he apologized, urged me not to bring 301 00:13:08.240 --> 00:13:11.240 any conflict into my marriage and remain just friends. I 302 00:13:11.279 --> 00:13:13.840 didn't want to give William more distress about as he 303 00:13:13.879 --> 00:13:16.039 was out of town and focused on his job assignment. 304 00:13:16.240 --> 00:13:18.679 After talking with William that night about how things were 305 00:13:18.720 --> 00:13:20.720 going in Tulsa. I decided to wait and tell him 306 00:13:20.720 --> 00:13:23.399 when he got home. His company was having some issues 307 00:13:23.440 --> 00:13:25.759 with the client having the manpower to keep the project 308 00:13:25.840 --> 00:13:28.559 running smoothly. There were things William could not get done 309 00:13:28.639 --> 00:13:30.679 due to the delays, which many had to spend two 310 00:13:30.679 --> 00:13:33.000 extra weeks in Tulsa. Paul was there for me to 311 00:13:33.039 --> 00:13:35.559 discuss what had happened between us. I couldn't tell any 312 00:13:35.600 --> 00:13:38.639 of my women friends. I couldn't rely on any family members, 313 00:13:38.639 --> 00:13:41.440 as they all rightfully loved William to pieces. I guess 314 00:13:41.519 --> 00:13:43.559 random strangers on a site like this would have been 315 00:13:43.600 --> 00:13:45.559 the best option had I known about it, But the 316 00:13:45.600 --> 00:13:47.879 person I was venting to was the very last person 317 00:13:47.919 --> 00:13:50.639 I should have been discussing it with. One Friday, after work, 318 00:13:50.720 --> 00:13:52.679 Paul and I went to a new restaurant near the 319 00:13:52.679 --> 00:13:54.759 school for dinner. We sat at the bar and had 320 00:13:54.799 --> 00:13:57.360 a few drinks as I explained how unsettled I felt 321 00:13:57.360 --> 00:13:59.440 knowing I had to tell my husband what had happened. 322 00:13:59.600 --> 00:14:01.759 He asked me how I thought William would take the news, 323 00:14:01.759 --> 00:14:03.720 and I told Paul he might want to call in sick. 324 00:14:03.759 --> 00:14:06.120 The day after I told William, just in case, He 325 00:14:06.200 --> 00:14:08.600 asked if I seriously thought William would beat his ass 326 00:14:08.639 --> 00:14:10.360 and I told him no, but I knew it would 327 00:14:10.440 --> 00:14:12.720 mean the end of Paul and I conversing and messaging, 328 00:14:12.759 --> 00:14:15.440 and rightfully so. Paul confessed he didn't think he would 329 00:14:15.440 --> 00:14:17.279 have made it through his breakup if it hadn't been 330 00:14:17.320 --> 00:14:19.080 for me. I assured him I was glad to be 331 00:14:19.159 --> 00:14:22.399 of assistance and didn't regret helping him. When the realization 332 00:14:22.480 --> 00:14:24.799 our friendship would end sunk in. I think we were 333 00:14:24.799 --> 00:14:27.639 both a little depressed. I drank too much, he drank 334 00:14:27.679 --> 00:14:30.039 too much, and I ended up back at Paul's apartment 335 00:14:30.080 --> 00:14:32.080 doing a lot more than kissing. As soon as it 336 00:14:32.120 --> 00:14:34.759 was over, my conscience kicked in. Yes it should have 337 00:14:34.840 --> 00:14:37.440 kicked in long before, but I knew, beyond all shadow 338 00:14:37.480 --> 00:14:39.440 of any doubt my marriage was over and done with. 339 00:14:39.799 --> 00:14:42.399 William and I both had said society has allowed far 340 00:14:42.480 --> 00:14:45.679 too many second chances for people that didn't deserve them. Yes, 341 00:14:46.039 --> 00:14:48.960 humans do make mistakes. While we both believed anyone who 342 00:14:49.039 --> 00:14:51.519 cheated did deserve a second chance, it could never be 343 00:14:51.600 --> 00:14:53.799 with the one they betrayed. Life might give them the 344 00:14:53.840 --> 00:14:57.080 opportunity to love someone else again, but any opportunities with 345 00:14:57.159 --> 00:15:00.600 the cheated spouse was totally undeserved and detrimental to both parties. 346 00:15:00.759 --> 00:15:04.159 Things got very complicated when William arrived home from Tulsa. 347 00:15:04.240 --> 00:15:06.879 I happened to be having my period, so I knew 348 00:15:06.919 --> 00:15:09.879 there would be no intimacy between us. Thankfully, not in 349 00:15:09.919 --> 00:15:12.320 a million years would I have subjected my husband to 350 00:15:12.360 --> 00:15:15.000 any diseases. Regardless of how much I wanted to make 351 00:15:15.039 --> 00:15:17.200 love to William one last time, I couldn't allow that 352 00:15:17.240 --> 00:15:19.600 to happen. I wrote out a long letter to William 353 00:15:19.639 --> 00:15:21.679 confessing what I'd done and planned to give it to 354 00:15:21.720 --> 00:15:24.159 him after a face to face confession. To this day, 355 00:15:24.200 --> 00:15:26.279 I don't know what happened for William to discover what 356 00:15:26.440 --> 00:15:28.399 was going on. For all I know, he had been 357 00:15:28.440 --> 00:15:31.600 monitoring my online conversation with Paul from day one. I 358 00:15:31.679 --> 00:15:33.919 never got to ask him how he discovered my betrayal, 359 00:15:34.120 --> 00:15:36.559 and the realization he'd learned what I'd done before I 360 00:15:36.600 --> 00:15:38.399 had the chance to tell him caused me to fall 361 00:15:38.399 --> 00:15:40.320 to my knees and swear I planned to tell him. 362 00:15:40.399 --> 00:15:43.039 William didn't believe that, and I wouldn't have either. He 363 00:15:43.120 --> 00:15:45.039 had a stack of the text between Paul and I 364 00:15:45.120 --> 00:15:47.360 printed out, though I didn't deny any of what he 365 00:15:47.399 --> 00:15:50.279 accused me of. That honesty came far too late. He 366 00:15:50.360 --> 00:15:52.399 packed a few things in a suitcase and left me 367 00:15:52.480 --> 00:15:55.399 on a Monday evening. Wednesday night, he drove to a 368 00:15:55.440 --> 00:15:58.519 shopping center, parked his car, and took his own life. 369 00:15:58.679 --> 00:16:01.039 To know I had destroyed our life relationship was torture 370 00:16:01.080 --> 00:16:03.240 to my soul like I'd never known to know. I'd 371 00:16:03.279 --> 00:16:05.399 even robbed him of a chance to find someone else 372 00:16:05.399 --> 00:16:08.120 to be happy with ruin me. The realization I didn't 373 00:16:08.159 --> 00:16:11.200 just end my relationship with William, but every relationship he'd 374 00:16:11.240 --> 00:16:13.080 had or would have caused more guilt than I could 375 00:16:13.080 --> 00:16:15.360 ever express. I could go into all the things that 376 00:16:15.399 --> 00:16:17.799 have happened since William passed away, but a lot of 377 00:16:17.840 --> 00:16:20.600 it would be details far too many wouldn't truly care about. 378 00:16:20.840 --> 00:16:23.320 Suffice it to say his family hates me and my family. 379 00:16:23.559 --> 00:16:26.440 My family was disgusted by my actions and continues to 380 00:16:26.440 --> 00:16:28.720 be to this day. Their love for me didn't die, 381 00:16:28.799 --> 00:16:31.360 but their disappointment and shame toward me will never end, 382 00:16:31.399 --> 00:16:34.000 and that's how it should be. No, the results were 383 00:16:34.039 --> 00:16:36.919 not anything I intended, But when choices are made that 384 00:16:37.000 --> 00:16:39.840 cause pain and suffering, we are still guilty for causing 385 00:16:39.879 --> 00:16:42.120 that grief. I see a therapist twice a week to 386 00:16:42.120 --> 00:16:44.720 try and work through things. I was introduced to someone 387 00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:47.399 through my therapist that is genuinely helping me sort through 388 00:16:47.399 --> 00:16:50.879 my feelings. Years ago, she intentionally set a small fire 389 00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:53.360 to set off alarms to scare her ex boyfriend and 390 00:16:53.399 --> 00:16:56.159 the girl he just started. Seeing the fire spread quickly 391 00:16:56.240 --> 00:16:58.559 in what had been intended as a joke, caused multiple 392 00:16:58.559 --> 00:17:01.159 people to lose their lives. She and I have discussed 393 00:17:01.159 --> 00:17:03.679 so many things about her story. In mind, things can 394 00:17:03.720 --> 00:17:05.720 never be the way they once where, nor should they be. 395 00:17:05.920 --> 00:17:07.799 But if I am to keep living, I need a 396 00:17:07.839 --> 00:17:09.599 plan to make what is left of my life as 397 00:17:09.640 --> 00:17:12.920 meaningful as possible. So that is basically my story. Anyone 398 00:17:12.960 --> 00:17:15.039 who wants to post messages of hate for me and 399 00:17:15.079 --> 00:17:17.640 tell me what a wretched person I am, go right ahead. 400 00:17:18.160 --> 00:17:20.119 I won't be replying to it, but if it helps 401 00:17:20.119 --> 00:17:22.079