WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.240 --> 00:00:04.120 Welcome to the Becoming You Show, where limits get torched 2 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:09.720 and possibility takes the mic. I'm Leah Rowing, human in 3 00:00:10.039 --> 00:00:15.480 permanent beta, neurostrategist, mom to three amazing humans, married to 4 00:00:15.560 --> 00:00:20.000 one legendary soul, and your no Fluff Permission slate to 5 00:00:20.160 --> 00:00:25.879 stop waiting. Every week, we rewire brain patterns, smash hand 6 00:00:25.920 --> 00:00:31.199 me down mindsets, and dive into the daring identity shifting conversations. 7 00:00:31.399 --> 00:00:36.359 Most people got ready to turn potential into proof. Grab 8 00:00:36.399 --> 00:00:48.479 your pen, your next chapter starts now. Hello, my beautiful friends, 9 00:00:48.560 --> 00:00:50.560 Welcome back to the Becoming You Show. I am your host, 10 00:00:50.640 --> 00:00:54.960 Leah Rolling. I'm really glad you're here. Generally, I mean, 11 00:00:55.000 --> 00:00:58.399 you could be doing anything one hundred and one things 12 00:00:58.479 --> 00:01:03.439 right now, and yet you're choosing this thirty minutes, twenty 13 00:01:03.479 --> 00:01:06.519 eight minutes, fourteen minutes. If you listen to me on 14 00:01:06.519 --> 00:01:15.120 one and a half two times, learning how to be 15 00:01:15.159 --> 00:01:17.159 the very best version of you, that it's not a 16 00:01:17.200 --> 00:01:21.159 small thing. Honestly, I think it's the whole thing. It's 17 00:01:21.200 --> 00:01:27.359 the whole thing. When seven percent of the world choose 18 00:01:28.120 --> 00:01:33.400 themselves to invest in that's no little thing. So welcome, Welcome. 19 00:01:34.239 --> 00:01:39.840 This is a new month, and so all four episodes 20 00:01:40.359 --> 00:01:42.040 in August are going to go together. And you know 21 00:01:42.319 --> 00:01:44.280 I love to theme a month, right, We've done it before, 22 00:01:44.359 --> 00:01:48.239 We've done it with Courage and Relationships, and this one 23 00:01:48.359 --> 00:01:52.480 might be one of my favorites yet because we're going 24 00:01:52.519 --> 00:01:57.920 to do one word each week, and the words build 25 00:01:58.000 --> 00:02:01.159 into a framework that I've been used with my clients, 26 00:02:01.560 --> 00:02:03.799 and honestly, it's some of the most useful work that 27 00:02:03.840 --> 00:02:07.519 I'm doing right now with him. And yes, I could 28 00:02:07.599 --> 00:02:11.159 just hand you the whole framework today, but I'm not 29 00:02:11.199 --> 00:02:16.280 going to because I think there's something really special about 30 00:02:16.280 --> 00:02:20.240 this one, in particular about slowing it down and letting 31 00:02:20.319 --> 00:02:25.360 each piece gets its own week. So that's what we're doing. 32 00:02:25.879 --> 00:02:28.800 Four words, four weeks, and by the end of the month, 33 00:02:28.879 --> 00:02:31.159 you'll have the whole thing. You'll have the whole framework. 34 00:02:31.560 --> 00:02:36.120 So I want to I want to say why we're 35 00:02:36.120 --> 00:02:39.000 going to do it this way, because I know some 36 00:02:39.039 --> 00:02:42.599 of you, like I want the whole picture up front. 37 00:02:42.800 --> 00:02:45.439 You're like, Leah, just give me the framework. Just let 38 00:02:45.479 --> 00:02:48.080 me get to work, let me get to work on 39 00:02:48.240 --> 00:02:50.240 using these tools and these frameworks. And I hear that, 40 00:02:51.159 --> 00:02:53.360 and you know, I'm like that with a lot of things. 41 00:02:53.719 --> 00:02:55.960 I don't know if I've ever teased out a framework 42 00:02:56.000 --> 00:02:59.039 like this, but this one, the work that we're going 43 00:02:59.080 --> 00:03:04.199 to do this month. It doesn't actually land when you're 44 00:03:04.240 --> 00:03:06.719 exposed to it in the way that I would normally 45 00:03:06.759 --> 00:03:09.960 expose it to you. It lands when you sit with 46 00:03:10.120 --> 00:03:14.919 one word, one piece at a time and let it 47 00:03:14.960 --> 00:03:18.680 work on you, and let it work on you. So 48 00:03:18.800 --> 00:03:25.520 that's what we're doing. Okay, one word a week. And 49 00:03:25.599 --> 00:03:27.960 this first one, the one that we're talking about today, 50 00:03:28.240 --> 00:03:32.159 it's where the rest of them start, because if you 51 00:03:32.280 --> 00:03:36.639 can't do this one, honestly, the other three don't have 52 00:03:36.680 --> 00:03:40.159 anywhere to go. So week one, we're starting with the question, 53 00:03:41.360 --> 00:03:44.439 and I really want you to answer it, Okay, not 54 00:03:44.560 --> 00:03:48.639 for me, but for you right maybe while you're driving, 55 00:03:48.879 --> 00:03:54.000 folding laundry, wandering about wherever you are. Okay, And here's 56 00:03:54.000 --> 00:04:00.520 the question. When when you tell the story of the 57 00:04:00.680 --> 00:04:04.199 hardest thing that ever happened to you, I want me 58 00:04:04.199 --> 00:04:07.039 to think about it right now, please, the hardest thing 59 00:04:07.080 --> 00:04:10.000 that's ever happened to you? When you tell it, when 60 00:04:10.000 --> 00:04:13.680 you share it with somebody, is it a release? Meaning 61 00:04:14.120 --> 00:04:17.040 do you feel something let go? Like? Do you feel lighter? 62 00:04:18.240 --> 00:04:25.000 In that conversation? Exchange or is it a rerun on 63 00:04:25.160 --> 00:04:29.879 pilot reinforcing being right? And I just want you to 64 00:04:29.920 --> 00:04:33.240 sit with that for a second, because those are really 65 00:04:33.279 --> 00:04:36.319 different things, and they don't think most of us ever 66 00:04:37.399 --> 00:04:40.680 have asked ourselves which one we're doing right a release. 67 00:04:41.120 --> 00:04:45.759 A release is when the truth actually leaves your body 68 00:04:46.439 --> 00:04:49.920 you feel lighter. A rerun is when you've told the 69 00:04:49.959 --> 00:04:53.480 story so many times that you kind of know it 70 00:04:53.480 --> 00:04:57.040 by heart, you know where the pauses go, you know 71 00:04:57.079 --> 00:05:04.319 which part gets the reaction. One of those is for 72 00:05:04.399 --> 00:05:09.399 healing and the other one is just a script. And 73 00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:15.720 you can spend years telling a script and calling a healing. Now. 74 00:05:15.720 --> 00:05:20.079 I know it. I've done it, trust me, I've done 75 00:05:20.120 --> 00:05:24.639 it a lot. I've watched clients do it. I've watched 76 00:05:25.000 --> 00:05:28.000 the people that I love do it. It's not because 77 00:05:28.000 --> 00:05:32.199 we're broken, it's because at some point we stopped noticing 78 00:05:33.639 --> 00:05:38.680 which one we were doing. So I want to start 79 00:05:38.800 --> 00:05:42.040 this one outside of that question. So kind of have 80 00:05:42.199 --> 00:05:46.480 that question in mind, like what how do you tell 81 00:05:46.600 --> 00:05:51.040 your story? Your painful story, right, the one that you 82 00:05:51.199 --> 00:05:54.839 may be allowed to define you and yet haven't healed from. 83 00:05:56.040 --> 00:05:57.959 So I'm going to tell you a study because this 84 00:05:58.120 --> 00:06:01.800 really changed how I think, how I think about judgment, 85 00:06:01.879 --> 00:06:03.920 how I think about suffering, how I think about pain. 86 00:06:04.800 --> 00:06:11.120 So in nineteen eighty Dartmouth researchers they brought people into 87 00:06:11.160 --> 00:06:15.759 a lap and makeup artists gave each person a scar, 88 00:06:16.040 --> 00:06:20.000 a fake one, but really realistic, like right on this cheek, big, 89 00:06:20.240 --> 00:06:22.920 totally visible, right, the kind of thing that you would 90 00:06:22.920 --> 00:06:27.160 notice on a stranger immediately. And then they showed each 91 00:06:27.199 --> 00:06:30.120 person the scar in the mirror. Right, so now you've 92 00:06:30.160 --> 00:06:33.360 seen your face, you know exactly what you're walking into. 93 00:06:35.160 --> 00:06:37.120 And then right before they send you in, the makeup 94 00:06:37.199 --> 00:06:38.759 artist says, hang on, hang on, let me just put 95 00:06:38.800 --> 00:06:41.759 a little cream on here. So it sets lasts through 96 00:06:41.800 --> 00:06:43.800 the conversations that you're going to have when you be 97 00:06:43.920 --> 00:06:46.800 released into this networking thing. Okay, it makes sense. See 98 00:06:46.959 --> 00:06:50.240 you want it to hold. So they said, they send 99 00:06:50.319 --> 00:06:55.839 these participants in and they have these what might be 100 00:06:56.160 --> 00:06:59.879 considered a normal conversation with strangers. It's small talk, nothing, 101 00:07:00.120 --> 00:07:04.279 nothing weird about it. And the whole time they're thinking 102 00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:09.160 they see it. They see my scar, every glance, every pause, 103 00:07:09.199 --> 00:07:13.879 every time that this person looks away, it's about the scar. 104 00:07:15.399 --> 00:07:19.920 And afterward the researchers pull them all aside and they 105 00:07:20.000 --> 00:07:24.079 ask how to go, How did they treat you? How 106 00:07:24.079 --> 00:07:29.839 did the conversations go? And these people described it in detail, friends, 107 00:07:30.959 --> 00:07:36.959 right in detail, the stranger staring, like, how uncomfortable they got, 108 00:07:37.160 --> 00:07:42.519 how how they were treated differently, discriminated against, right, how 109 00:07:42.560 --> 00:07:45.279 people were very short with them. And it wasn't vague. 110 00:07:46.040 --> 00:07:51.600 They could point to specific moments in the conversation. In 111 00:07:51.720 --> 00:07:59.839 the conversation, every single one of them had a story, 112 00:08:00.600 --> 00:08:05.160 real discrimination, real awkwardness, real tension, real judgment. They weren't exaggerating, 113 00:08:05.160 --> 00:08:10.399 they weren't making it up. They lived it. And then 114 00:08:10.439 --> 00:08:20.199 the researchers handed them a mirror. No scar, no scar, 115 00:08:20.319 --> 00:08:23.759 you guys. The cream that was applied right before they 116 00:08:23.839 --> 00:08:28.439 let them go out wasn't setting anything. The cream was 117 00:08:28.519 --> 00:08:32.679 removing it. It came off before they ever walked into 118 00:08:32.720 --> 00:08:38.879 that room. Every conversation they just described, every stare, every 119 00:08:39.000 --> 00:08:43.320 uncomfortable pause, all of it happened to a person with 120 00:08:43.399 --> 00:08:49.399 a completely normal face. No scar, no scar. The thing 121 00:08:49.759 --> 00:08:54.720 they felt judged for, beautiful friends was not on their face, 122 00:08:55.879 --> 00:08:59.679 but the feeling of being judged totally real, totally real. 123 00:09:00.120 --> 00:09:04.039 Their brain actually gave them that experience. That's the part 124 00:09:04.080 --> 00:09:07.759 that gets me every single time. Their brain manufactured the 125 00:09:07.799 --> 00:09:11.639 evidence for something that was never happening, because the scar 126 00:09:11.720 --> 00:09:15.120 wasn't on their face. The scar was in their thinking. 127 00:09:16.320 --> 00:09:21.000 They walked in believing something about how they'd be seen, 128 00:09:21.720 --> 00:09:26.679 and their brain took every normal little thing in that conversation, 129 00:09:27.200 --> 00:09:30.679 the glance, the pause, the look away, the shifting in 130 00:09:30.720 --> 00:09:34.559 the chair, and turned it all into proof, all into 131 00:09:34.799 --> 00:09:40.200 evidence of judgment. That's what the brain does. It finds 132 00:09:40.279 --> 00:09:45.879 proof of whatever you walked in believing. It doesn't check 133 00:09:46.600 --> 00:09:52.240 whether it's fair, whether it's honest, whether it's accurate, just 134 00:09:52.240 --> 00:09:58.480 finds the proof the judgment. The only judgment in that room. 135 00:09:58.519 --> 00:10:02.639 You guys of their own making. It was their own 136 00:10:05.240 --> 00:10:07.200 So with a lot of the research, I like to 137 00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:08.879 think about it and be like, WHOA, how do we 138 00:10:08.960 --> 00:10:11.440 make this personal? How does this relate to you and me? 139 00:10:12.279 --> 00:10:14.759 Because how many of us are walking around right now 140 00:10:15.480 --> 00:10:22.080 with a scar that isn't there anymore? Right? The divorce 141 00:10:22.759 --> 00:10:26.440 it was eight years ago, the business that failed, the bankruptcy, 142 00:10:26.679 --> 00:10:28.799 the thing somebody said to you when you were thirteen, 143 00:10:29.320 --> 00:10:31.759 and I'm not kidding about that one. I've coached very 144 00:10:31.879 --> 00:10:35.639 very successful adults are still carrying one sentence from a 145 00:10:35.679 --> 00:10:40.360 hallway in middle school. The childhood you had, the parents 146 00:10:40.399 --> 00:10:43.679 that didn't love you, the dad that left you, the 147 00:10:43.720 --> 00:10:47.720 mom that wasn't present, the betrayal, the season in your 148 00:10:47.759 --> 00:10:50.919 life that maybe you're not proud of the version of 149 00:10:50.960 --> 00:10:55.039 yourself that you used to be, that you're afraid. People 150 00:10:55.080 --> 00:11:00.000 can still see and hear me. I know it happened, 151 00:11:00.080 --> 00:11:03.000 and me too. I'm not saying it didn't happen. It 152 00:11:03.039 --> 00:11:06.519 happened for sure. It hurt, it did it matter. It 153 00:11:06.679 --> 00:11:13.840 shaped you, And it's an and statement here, friends, Is 154 00:11:13.919 --> 00:11:19.399 it on your face today or is it in your thinking? 155 00:11:21.159 --> 00:11:25.000 Because your brain can't tell the difference. It will walk 156 00:11:25.080 --> 00:11:28.960 into that networking event, it will walk into that family dinner, 157 00:11:29.000 --> 00:11:31.360 It will walk into that new relationship, it will walk 158 00:11:31.399 --> 00:11:35.080 into that new opportunity, and it will find the staring. 159 00:11:37.080 --> 00:11:39.440 It will it will find the judgment, whether it is 160 00:11:39.480 --> 00:11:45.759 there or not, and it will feel real, just just 161 00:11:46.000 --> 00:11:50.399 like it did for those people in the study. I 162 00:11:50.519 --> 00:11:54.159 know some of you might be asking right now, Lee, 163 00:11:54.320 --> 00:11:56.000 are you telling me my pain doesn't matter? Are you 164 00:11:56.000 --> 00:11:57.559 telling me that it wasn't real? Or are you telling 165 00:11:57.639 --> 00:12:01.480 me that I should just no, no, I am telling 166 00:12:01.480 --> 00:12:05.240 you it matters so much that I refuse to let 167 00:12:05.320 --> 00:12:08.200 you waste it on a story with no potential. There 168 00:12:08.279 --> 00:12:11.879 is zero potential in the past. Zero. That's the whole 169 00:12:11.919 --> 00:12:14.759 episode right there. So I want to slow this down 170 00:12:14.759 --> 00:12:16.960 because this is the part that I really want you 171 00:12:17.080 --> 00:12:19.840 to get. There are two things that you can do 172 00:12:19.879 --> 00:12:24.639 with pain. You can release it, or you can rehearse it. 173 00:12:25.519 --> 00:12:29.720 And what makes this really tricky is that from the 174 00:12:29.759 --> 00:12:34.639 outside they look the same. Both of them involve talking 175 00:12:34.720 --> 00:12:38.200 about it. Both of them might even involve crying about it. 176 00:12:39.919 --> 00:12:42.519 You can rehearse it in a therapist's office, you can 177 00:12:42.559 --> 00:12:45.240 rehearse it on a girl's trip. You can rehearse it 178 00:12:45.320 --> 00:12:48.279 in a journal. The difference is it where you do it, 179 00:12:48.799 --> 00:12:50.960 or what it looks like when you do it, or 180 00:12:51.000 --> 00:12:54.039 with whom you're doing it with. The difference is what 181 00:12:54.279 --> 00:13:00.000 happens inside you, what happens after when you release pain. 182 00:13:01.320 --> 00:13:05.120 It's messy. It does not come out in nice sentences. 183 00:13:05.440 --> 00:13:09.000 It jumps around, it surprises you. You say things that 184 00:13:09.039 --> 00:13:11.559 you didn't even know we're in there. Some of it's 185 00:13:12.080 --> 00:13:15.480 not flattering, none of it is filtered. It doesn't even 186 00:13:15.600 --> 00:13:20.720 it doesn't even make sense, okay, and it just asked 187 00:13:20.720 --> 00:13:23.919 me how I know this is true? But when it's done, 188 00:13:24.879 --> 00:13:31.279 you feel lighter, not fixed, right, not done, not healed, 189 00:13:31.960 --> 00:13:38.559 just lighter, like something left. When you rehearse pain, it 190 00:13:38.600 --> 00:13:41.840 comes out smooth, like you're fluent in it. I'm fluent 191 00:13:41.919 --> 00:13:45.440 in it. Same phrases every time, same order, same beats, 192 00:13:45.480 --> 00:13:50.200 like you know what I'm talking about, right saying, wait 193 00:13:50.279 --> 00:13:54.679 for dramatic effects. And when you're done telling it, just 194 00:13:54.679 --> 00:13:58.960 don't notice. Just notice. You probably don't feel lighter, You 195 00:13:59.000 --> 00:14:03.960 feel more right, you feel more justified. The story got 196 00:14:03.960 --> 00:14:09.399 a little stronger, and so did its hold on you. 197 00:14:11.360 --> 00:14:13.039 So I want to give you a real example because 198 00:14:13.039 --> 00:14:17.120 I'm going to keep it really general so nobody feels 199 00:14:17.159 --> 00:14:22.360 called out. But I'm guessing you found yourself in this place, right. 200 00:14:22.440 --> 00:14:25.919 I had an exact, this exact conversation more times than 201 00:14:25.960 --> 00:14:29.159 I can count. A client. She'd be telling the same 202 00:14:29.240 --> 00:14:34.000 story about something that happened to her years ago, years ago, 203 00:14:35.240 --> 00:14:38.759 and she could tell it, like really tell it. You know. 204 00:14:38.879 --> 00:14:41.159 She had her audience, she had her friends who nodded 205 00:14:41.200 --> 00:14:43.279 in the right places, and then she came to me 206 00:14:43.759 --> 00:14:46.440 and she said, I've done lea I've done so much 207 00:14:46.480 --> 00:14:48.440 work around this. I've done so much work. I do 208 00:14:48.440 --> 00:14:51.879 not know why it still runs my life. And I said, 209 00:14:51.879 --> 00:14:55.120 tell me about it, right, and she did. She told 210 00:14:55.120 --> 00:14:59.960 me this story beautifully, honestly. And when she was done, 211 00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:04.200 and I said, do you feel lighter? And they never do. 212 00:15:05.080 --> 00:15:11.879 They never do. They just feel more entitled to their 213 00:15:11.919 --> 00:15:19.720 story being right. But being right doesn't set you free. 214 00:15:19.919 --> 00:15:24.159 There is no freedom in the need to be right. Right. 215 00:15:25.519 --> 00:15:31.279 When we tell our story, not to release it, but 216 00:15:31.360 --> 00:15:40.320 to keep the case open. Nothing releases, nothing releases. We 217 00:15:40.399 --> 00:15:45.799 hold on to our stories because they somehow can inform 218 00:15:46.240 --> 00:15:53.240 who we are. We want it to be gone. We 219 00:15:53.320 --> 00:15:55.879 don't want the stories of our past to continue to 220 00:15:55.919 --> 00:15:59.720 haunt us. But they do, but they do because there's 221 00:15:59.720 --> 00:16:04.240 a part of us. There is a payof to holding 222 00:16:04.399 --> 00:16:07.799 strong to the righteousness of the story that has kept 223 00:16:07.879 --> 00:16:12.120 us safe to date. Because when you release it, when 224 00:16:12.120 --> 00:16:13.759 you release it, you want it to be over. But 225 00:16:13.799 --> 00:16:18.600 think about this, when you release it, it's over and 226 00:16:18.600 --> 00:16:21.919 people aren't ready for it to be over. That's not weakness, 227 00:16:22.639 --> 00:16:25.679 that's not being dramatic. That's the story doing the job 228 00:16:25.720 --> 00:16:29.320 that the story does right. The story always is protecting 229 00:16:29.399 --> 00:16:34.200 us from something. But she, this person, in this moment 230 00:16:34.240 --> 00:16:38.200 in time, was done. It was done. She's done with it. 231 00:16:40.720 --> 00:16:49.240 So here's how you can tell which one you're doing. Fluency. 232 00:16:50.279 --> 00:16:52.279 If you can tell the story of your pain and 233 00:16:52.320 --> 00:16:55.240 complete sentences with the same morning every time, that's not processing. 234 00:16:55.519 --> 00:17:00.879 That's practice. That's fluency. Nobody's fluent in something that they 235 00:17:00.879 --> 00:17:07.640 haven't repeated one hundred times. You don't accidentally memorize something. Okay. 236 00:17:08.119 --> 00:17:12.920 So so I wanna make a caveat here, like I 237 00:17:12.960 --> 00:17:17.759 feel like I do have to do sometimes, Okay. Grief 238 00:17:17.839 --> 00:17:23.200 is not rehearsal. Okay, if you've lost someone, if something 239 00:17:23.799 --> 00:17:28.160 devastating happened and the waves van they just they just 240 00:17:28.240 --> 00:17:33.920 keep coming, that's not rehearsing. That's grieving. And grief takes 241 00:17:33.960 --> 00:17:36.640 what it takes, and the way through it is through it. 242 00:17:37.400 --> 00:17:40.119 Feel it, allow it, let it move. Okay, I'm not 243 00:17:40.200 --> 00:17:44.240 talking about grief today. I'm talking about the story that 244 00:17:44.359 --> 00:17:49.000 forms around the pain of the past and then just 245 00:17:49.079 --> 00:17:54.160 moves it. It just kind of sets up shop. The 246 00:17:54.200 --> 00:17:58.680 difference is that grief changes over time, however slowly. It 247 00:17:58.799 --> 00:18:05.640 changes your ability to tell it, your ability to share 248 00:18:05.759 --> 00:18:12.799 parts of it without losing yourself. It changes even slowly. 249 00:18:13.119 --> 00:18:16.200 Our rehearse story sounds the exact same in year nine 250 00:18:16.200 --> 00:18:20.480 as it did in year two. Grief moves, rehearsal loops, 251 00:18:22.640 --> 00:18:27.799 So why why do we rehearse? And again, want to 252 00:18:27.799 --> 00:18:32.279 be compassionate here. Okay, I had to be compassionate with 253 00:18:32.319 --> 00:18:36.480 myself when this was a reality that I navigated because 254 00:18:36.519 --> 00:18:38.880 what I realized is I was rehearsing the story about 255 00:18:38.920 --> 00:18:46.880 my dad leaving. That's rehearsal. That's not processed. So why 256 00:18:46.880 --> 00:18:51.640 do we do it? Right? As I mentioned before, we 257 00:18:51.680 --> 00:18:56.400 rehearsed the story because at some point that story helped us. 258 00:18:56.680 --> 00:19:01.400 It explained something that didn't make sense. When something happens 259 00:19:01.640 --> 00:19:05.759 that you can't fit anywhere, the story becomes the fit. 260 00:19:06.440 --> 00:19:08.680 It gives your brain something to hold it. It allows 261 00:19:08.720 --> 00:19:10.839 you to put it in a box. And of course 262 00:19:10.880 --> 00:19:15.119 you kept telling it because it worked. Right. Maybe it 263 00:19:15.200 --> 00:19:17.839 kept us out of a risk that genuinely felt like 264 00:19:17.880 --> 00:19:22.079 too much at the time. Right, it said don't go 265 00:19:22.160 --> 00:19:27.240 there again. Right, Remember remember what happened last time? Right? 266 00:19:27.240 --> 00:19:30.200 That was your system taking care of you. Remember the 267 00:19:31.200 --> 00:19:35.279 story has a job to do, and it's job honestly, 268 00:19:35.799 --> 00:19:38.519 you can think it. It got you here. But here's 269 00:19:38.519 --> 00:19:41.559 the question that I asked myself and my clients, and 270 00:19:41.559 --> 00:19:45.880 now I'm asking you. Is the story helping you? Or 271 00:19:45.920 --> 00:19:49.960 has it just been there so long you stopped checking. 272 00:19:50.160 --> 00:19:52.400 Because a lot of us are still being protected from 273 00:19:52.440 --> 00:19:55.480 something that isn't a real threat anymore, and that protection 274 00:19:55.640 --> 00:20:00.640 is costing us. It's costing you, it's costing me. It's 275 00:20:00.680 --> 00:20:05.559 costing us real things, real opportunities, real relationships, real chances 276 00:20:05.880 --> 00:20:10.640 to feel like ourselves. So let's talk about the costs, 277 00:20:11.039 --> 00:20:17.680 because I don't think we count this honestly. When your 278 00:20:17.759 --> 00:20:22.519 pain becomes your identity, everything new in your life has 279 00:20:22.559 --> 00:20:27.319 to get past that old story. First, you meet somebody new, 280 00:20:28.160 --> 00:20:33.279 and before you've even decided whether you like them, the 281 00:20:33.400 --> 00:20:40.559 story is already deciding whether they're safe. An opportunity shows up, 282 00:20:40.599 --> 00:20:44.480 the story looks it over. You start to want something 283 00:20:44.519 --> 00:20:47.720 bigger for yourself. When the story goes hmmm, you know 284 00:20:47.880 --> 00:20:53.480 what we know the how this ends. People like us 285 00:20:53.519 --> 00:20:58.759 don't get that. And here's what makes it so convincing, guys, 286 00:20:59.359 --> 00:21:02.759 so convinto the story has evidence, real evidence, like from 287 00:21:02.799 --> 00:21:05.440 your real life. It's not even about somebody else's life, 288 00:21:05.440 --> 00:21:08.480 it's your real life. It's not lying about the past. 289 00:21:09.000 --> 00:21:13.559 The past happened. What it's lying about is the future. 290 00:21:14.440 --> 00:21:18.759 It happened. That part's true. What's not true is that 291 00:21:18.799 --> 00:21:23.440 it will always happen. That part is made up. And 292 00:21:23.519 --> 00:21:29.119 the story says both of those, huh and the same voice. Yeah, 293 00:21:29.839 --> 00:21:36.240 so we believe both. It's everywhere right now, it's everywhere right. 294 00:21:36.319 --> 00:21:40.440 We've learned to put a wellness language on this rehearsal, 295 00:21:40.720 --> 00:21:45.680 on this storytelling of sorts. We call it honoring our journey. Yeah, 296 00:21:45.839 --> 00:21:50.640 we call it owning our story. Sounds nice, sure does. 297 00:21:51.319 --> 00:21:54.559 But if honoring your journey means telling the same wound 298 00:21:54.640 --> 00:21:57.680 the same way for the tenth year in a row 299 00:21:58.240 --> 00:22:03.279 and nothing in your life is actually moving, it's not honoring. 300 00:22:03.920 --> 00:22:08.519 That's not honoring anything. That's soft sabotage. It's keeping you 301 00:22:08.559 --> 00:22:12.759 comfortable and keeping you stuck at the same time, which 302 00:22:12.799 --> 00:22:17.079 is what sabotage always does. It never looks like sabotage. 303 00:22:17.119 --> 00:22:20.279 That's the whole trick of it. It looks like taking 304 00:22:20.279 --> 00:22:25.079 care of yourself. It looks like love. It looks it 305 00:22:25.119 --> 00:22:30.480 looks and it is sold as healing. Here's the check. 306 00:22:30.880 --> 00:22:33.319 Here's the check. If you're courageous enough to run on yourself. 307 00:22:34.079 --> 00:22:40.200 Nobody's grading this. Just be honest with you. When somebody's 308 00:22:40.200 --> 00:22:44.480 getting to know you, how early does your pain show up? Like, 309 00:22:44.599 --> 00:22:47.200 how early in the getting to know you process does 310 00:22:47.240 --> 00:22:51.960 the hard story come out? No judgment, no judgment? Friends? 311 00:22:52.519 --> 00:22:55.319 Is it in the first conversation? Is it kind of 312 00:22:55.319 --> 00:23:01.559 the headline? Right? For so many us, the wound became 313 00:23:01.599 --> 00:23:04.839 the introduction. It's the first thing we hand people. And 314 00:23:04.920 --> 00:23:08.400 I get why. It's the part of us that feels 315 00:23:08.480 --> 00:23:11.920 the most explained. It's the part of us that we 316 00:23:12.160 --> 00:23:15.440 have felt like we've really navigated and we really have 317 00:23:15.680 --> 00:23:18.799 some understanding on who we are and why we're the 318 00:23:18.799 --> 00:23:23.400 way that we are. But think about what that means. 319 00:23:25.039 --> 00:23:28.279 If the story does all the talking, the story picks 320 00:23:28.440 --> 00:23:31.839 who stays, and the story tends to pick people who 321 00:23:31.839 --> 00:23:34.000 are drawn to the story, not people who are drawn 322 00:23:34.079 --> 00:23:38.519 to you, and you are not the story. That's a cost. 323 00:23:39.799 --> 00:23:42.119 That's the friendships that you have, that's the partners that 324 00:23:42.160 --> 00:23:48.119 you attract, that's the opportunities that you energetically pull from. Right, 325 00:23:48.599 --> 00:23:51.119 that's the whole shape of who you spend your life with, 326 00:23:51.680 --> 00:23:54.519 not because you did anything wrong, but because the story 327 00:23:54.799 --> 00:23:58.440 was doing the picking and you didn't know. And I'm 328 00:23:58.480 --> 00:24:01.319 not telling you to hide anything. I am not please 329 00:24:01.319 --> 00:24:04.200 hear that. I'm not saying keep it secret. I'm not 330 00:24:04.240 --> 00:24:07.440 saying pretend it didn't happen. I'm not asking you to 331 00:24:07.599 --> 00:24:13.279 wait until year two or three before you share something real. 332 00:24:14.839 --> 00:24:18.759 I'm saying, the story is not the introduction you are. 333 00:24:19.640 --> 00:24:26.640 And there's a difference between letting people know you and 334 00:24:26.720 --> 00:24:34.960 leading with the wound. One invites connection on who you are, 335 00:24:35.839 --> 00:24:41.920 and the other one prescripts it, pre writes it. So 336 00:24:42.039 --> 00:24:45.880 that's the work that we're doing this week. This week's 337 00:24:46.039 --> 00:24:50.759 word is raw. One word. Write it down somewhere, put 338 00:24:50.759 --> 00:24:54.440 it on your mirror, whatever you do right. Raw doesn't 339 00:24:54.480 --> 00:24:58.319 mean loud, it doesn't mean falling apart. Raw means unedited. 340 00:24:58.640 --> 00:25:00.960 It's the version of the truth that that did not 341 00:25:01.160 --> 00:25:04.279 get cleaned up before it left your mouth. The version 342 00:25:04.279 --> 00:25:08.480 that isn't smooth because it's never been said before. It 343 00:25:08.519 --> 00:25:11.279 has no webs, it has no pre planning for the 344 00:25:11.319 --> 00:25:17.599 pause effect, it's not memorized. And I've watched over and 345 00:25:17.640 --> 00:25:19.720 over and over in my coaching, and I mean over 346 00:25:19.759 --> 00:25:22.119 and over and over in my coaching, the raw version 347 00:25:22.759 --> 00:25:27.799 said once all the way to empty. No filter, no filter, 348 00:25:28.240 --> 00:25:33.480 just raw does more than the polished version said a 349 00:25:33.599 --> 00:25:39.720 thousand times once, all the way to empty. I want 350 00:25:39.720 --> 00:25:42.240 you to consider that your feelings in this never the problem. 351 00:25:43.319 --> 00:25:48.640 The retelling was the problem, because the retelling made you 352 00:25:48.720 --> 00:25:53.480 feel like this false release when it wasn't releasing anything. 353 00:25:53.920 --> 00:25:59.519 It was just more convicted on you being right about 354 00:25:59.519 --> 00:26:04.519 the pain and the suffering. So here's what I want 355 00:26:04.559 --> 00:26:10.000 you to take home, right this one thing, tell the 356 00:26:10.119 --> 00:26:13.079 raw version of the one hard thing. You've got three 357 00:26:13.119 --> 00:26:16.079 ways to do it. Three one alone out loud, in 358 00:26:16.119 --> 00:26:18.599 your car, in your closet, on a walk, out loud. 359 00:26:19.640 --> 00:26:27.400 Matters here right, thinking it doesn't count. Something different happens 360 00:26:27.839 --> 00:26:31.359 when it hits the air. Okay, Your body hears it differently, 361 00:26:31.759 --> 00:26:34.000 your brain files it differently. It becomes the thing that 362 00:26:34.119 --> 00:26:37.880 happened out here, not just the thing that's still happening 363 00:26:37.960 --> 00:26:42.960 up here in your brain. That's one out loud. If 364 00:26:43.000 --> 00:26:47.039 you if as you're beginning to share your pain to 365 00:26:47.119 --> 00:26:51.519 the air of your walk and it sounds very familiar, 366 00:26:52.960 --> 00:26:57.599 just find yourself on editing that and starting again. I 367 00:26:57.680 --> 00:27:01.680 don't want this to be polished. I don't want this 368 00:27:01.759 --> 00:27:04.160 to be the same iteration that you've told year after 369 00:27:04.240 --> 00:27:08.359 year after year. Can you find something different? Can you 370 00:27:08.480 --> 00:27:13.000 find something unique about it? Can you find a different 371 00:27:13.119 --> 00:27:18.039 level for yourself. I'm not saying this is easy work, friends, 372 00:27:18.079 --> 00:27:22.759 I'm just saying it's required. It's required if you no 373 00:27:22.839 --> 00:27:26.920 longer want to continue to soft sabotage your future, because 374 00:27:26.960 --> 00:27:29.880 you will if you bring that same rehearse story in. 375 00:27:30.599 --> 00:27:34.000 It's no different than those people that went into that 376 00:27:34.119 --> 00:27:35.920 room thinking they had a scar on their face that 377 00:27:36.000 --> 00:27:41.400 they did it. Our scars are for our healing. Our 378 00:27:41.480 --> 00:27:45.480 scars are for our processing and are accepting and our understanding. 379 00:27:45.559 --> 00:27:50.279 And this R is the cream. It's the cream that 380 00:27:50.400 --> 00:27:56.000 takes off that scar. But none of the other letters 381 00:27:56.000 --> 00:28:00.200 matter if you don't do this first, allow yourself to 382 00:28:00.319 --> 00:28:05.680 be the cream that removes the scar that's no longer 383 00:28:05.720 --> 00:28:11.240 serving the future of you. So out loud. One two, 384 00:28:11.480 --> 00:28:15.519 Write it out, Write on paper that no one will 385 00:28:15.519 --> 00:28:17.400 ever read. You can burn it if you want. Some 386 00:28:17.440 --> 00:28:20.799 of my clients love love the burning of it. Even 387 00:28:20.839 --> 00:28:23.160 if you don't burn it. The point is the paper 388 00:28:23.240 --> 00:28:25.759 is temporary. You're not saving it for later, you're not 389 00:28:25.920 --> 00:28:30.640 archiving it. You're getting it out again. If you start 390 00:28:30.680 --> 00:28:33.799 writing it as if you were saying it for the 391 00:28:33.839 --> 00:28:39.519 tenth time. Find another layer. What else is true? What 392 00:28:39.680 --> 00:28:43.759 else are you feeling love? What else is possible for 393 00:28:43.880 --> 00:28:48.599 you to just let out? I think sometimes all of 394 00:28:48.720 --> 00:28:56.200 the coaching and and the yoga and the metaphysical aspects 395 00:28:56.200 --> 00:28:58.119 of the world that we live in say, you gotta 396 00:28:58.200 --> 00:28:59.599 let it out, you gotta let it go, you gotta 397 00:28:59.640 --> 00:29:02.119 let it go. I'm telling you you can't let something 398 00:29:02.119 --> 00:29:05.200 go that you haven't let in. Let this be, You're 399 00:29:05.240 --> 00:29:08.880 let in. Let this be the time that you don't 400 00:29:08.880 --> 00:29:12.599 have a curated script for your pain. You just let 401 00:29:12.680 --> 00:29:18.079