WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.160 There are moments I can pinpriint as neatly as he 2 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:08.039 might stab a thumb, tuck into a map that was 3 00:00:08.039 --> 00:00:10.839 supposed to feel ordinary, and instead left something trembling under 4 00:00:10.880 --> 00:00:13.480 my ribs, things that, for the life of me, I 5 00:00:13.480 --> 00:00:16.280 couldn't name at the time. If I close my eyes now, 6 00:00:16.359 --> 00:00:18.280 I can still taste the sweet, metallic edge of the 7 00:00:18.280 --> 00:00:20.679 one I sipped the Wilder Gallery. How the stem felt slick, 8 00:00:20.920 --> 00:00:24.320 not quite secure between my fingers. That Friday's opening should 9 00:00:24.320 --> 00:00:27.719 have been celebratory, local artists, new faces, music so eradicate 10 00:00:27.800 --> 00:00:30.359 stuttered the nerves behind my knees. But I was there 11 00:00:30.359 --> 00:00:33.600 only because Derreckt cajoled me into calming, using the enduring 12 00:00:33.600 --> 00:00:35.960 persistence he usually deployed when we were trying to pick 13 00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:38.399 a restaurant, not when he was exploring something that until 14 00:00:38.399 --> 00:00:41.079 a few months ago would have bought him senseless. I 15 00:00:41.119 --> 00:00:42.880 caught him at the far end of the gallery, by 16 00:00:42.880 --> 00:00:44.560 the soft oak a light, laughing in a way that 17 00:00:44.600 --> 00:00:47.719 pinched his eyes into half moons. His hand rests just 18 00:00:47.799 --> 00:00:50.119 so on a woman's elbow, delicate, a gesture that would 19 00:00:50.119 --> 00:00:52.000 look casual from far away. But I know the way 20 00:00:52.000 --> 00:00:54.079 his fingers move when he's trying to say you're safe 21 00:00:54.119 --> 00:00:56.159 here with me. I watched him from the edge of 22 00:00:56.159 --> 00:00:58.960 a tangled crowd, told myself I was being silly, provincial, 23 00:00:59.039 --> 00:01:03.039 definitely clinging, after all, hadn't I wanted this for him 24 00:01:03.079 --> 00:01:05.079 to find something outside his brewery, to have his own 25 00:01:05.120 --> 00:01:06.959 late nights instead of waiting up as I tinkered with 26 00:01:07.000 --> 00:01:10.519 taginess for my finicky freelance clients. You'd think after six 27 00:01:10.599 --> 00:01:12.799 years of marriage, he could flick anoins off your shoulder 28 00:01:12.840 --> 00:01:15.359 like Lynd, that confidence would be muscle memory by now. 29 00:01:15.920 --> 00:01:18.200 But as I studied the pair, Deryck's voice carried for 30 00:01:18.280 --> 00:01:21.560 just a moment, he dipped his head and murmured, hey, starshen. 31 00:01:21.640 --> 00:01:24.159 It took me a second to process it. I felt 32 00:01:24.200 --> 00:01:28.319 a brief childlike embarrassment, certain i'd misheard. Starshine was our word. 33 00:01:28.920 --> 00:01:30.920 It's private, a nickname born in the thick of our 34 00:01:30.959 --> 00:01:33.920 first summer. One scorching night, our backs pressed to the grass, 35 00:01:33.959 --> 00:01:36.200 staring at a motel sign that flickered exactly like a 36 00:01:36.239 --> 00:01:39.640 comet every forty seconds. I had whispered, catch it on 37 00:01:39.719 --> 00:01:43.599 your tongue, Starshine, and he laughed, said that's your new name, then, Miami, 38 00:01:43.640 --> 00:01:46.680 my starshine the memory snapped so abruptly round my heart 39 00:01:46.719 --> 00:01:50.000 that for a second the room seems sleeker, colder. There 40 00:01:50.000 --> 00:01:51.840 are millions of words you can use for some one, 41 00:01:51.879 --> 00:01:54.280 a simple string of syllables, and yet no one ever 42 00:01:54.319 --> 00:01:56.760 called me di But Deryck. He was using it here, 43 00:01:56.840 --> 00:01:58.760 easy as you please, with a woman who did not 44 00:01:58.799 --> 00:02:01.159 look at all like someone ike's, but to capture his attention. 45 00:02:01.799 --> 00:02:03.560 She was a bit older than me, maybe, with a 46 00:02:03.560 --> 00:02:06.359 sweep of wild blue black hair and blunt, straight cut bangs. 47 00:02:07.120 --> 00:02:09.599 She wore a bold shape as chumpsy, decorated with hand 48 00:02:09.680 --> 00:02:12.400 painted stars, and she had the infuriating confidence of people 49 00:02:12.400 --> 00:02:15.639 who never worry about what others notice. As he spoke, 50 00:02:15.719 --> 00:02:17.400 she grinned and leaned into him, and the way she 51 00:02:17.479 --> 00:02:19.960 tossed her head effer was familiar, felt less like flirtation 52 00:02:20.039 --> 00:02:22.759 and more like home. I took a shaky sip of wine, 53 00:02:22.919 --> 00:02:26.319 reminded myself I was being dramatic. Artists have pet names 54 00:02:26.319 --> 00:02:29.199 for everybody, don't they, And Derrick was like that with 55 00:02:29.240 --> 00:02:31.759 everyone ever since. That first brewery in grape Plank gave 56 00:02:31.840 --> 00:02:33.360 him the run of a tap room, and he charmed 57 00:02:33.360 --> 00:02:36.080 their entire regular crowd in a month, maybe This was 58 00:02:36.120 --> 00:02:38.520 how he wanted to be seen, open and stuck, bigger 59 00:02:38.520 --> 00:02:41.680 than our routines. Maybe nothing had changed except what I 60 00:02:41.719 --> 00:02:45.360 was looking for still might its pressed height. Maybe I 61 00:02:45.479 --> 00:02:47.800 was jealous in the worst way, not of Leelah, whoever 62 00:02:47.840 --> 00:02:50.240 she was, but of Derec's freedom inside this new world, 63 00:02:50.319 --> 00:02:52.599 a room which everyone else accept for me seem to fit. 64 00:02:53.240 --> 00:02:56.560 I willed myself not to watch them. Instead, I circled 65 00:02:56.560 --> 00:02:58.800 the room, looked at rough sketches pint to butcher paper, 66 00:02:58.840 --> 00:03:00.800 tried to ask a few polike qush about paint his 67 00:03:00.879 --> 00:03:04.759 intent without clearly signaling my ignorance. Every so often ascanned 68 00:03:04.759 --> 00:03:07.719 for Derreck's tall this frame, and each time he was laughing, 69 00:03:07.919 --> 00:03:10.080 flanked by people leel and evermore than a glance away. 70 00:03:10.599 --> 00:03:12.759 I played our scenes in reverse. How long had it 71 00:03:12.759 --> 00:03:15.360 been since he'd spoken to me like that? Or brushed 72 00:03:15.360 --> 00:03:17.599 his hand along my waist while talking to some one else, 73 00:03:17.719 --> 00:03:21.360 as if unconsciously reminding every one she's mind the questionitch 74 00:03:21.439 --> 00:03:24.479 rootless somewhere in my chest. He found me an hour later, 75 00:03:24.599 --> 00:03:26.800 carrying a plate of olives and two plastic glasses of 76 00:03:26.840 --> 00:03:30.520 red wine. Hey emmy, sorry, he said, bright and breathless. 77 00:03:31.199 --> 00:03:34.080 He talked to anyone good. I told Judie's widows are fun. 78 00:03:34.599 --> 00:03:36.919 His eyes flashed eager as he ran down the list 79 00:03:36.919 --> 00:03:38.759 of people I should meet. His pulse so intense, it's 80 00:03:38.759 --> 00:03:41.520 at me on edge, though he seemed perfectly happy. I 81 00:03:41.560 --> 00:03:43.840 watched him trying to find fall, but mostly caught my 82 00:03:43.879 --> 00:03:46.800 own reflection, smiling pleasant, allowing his will to pour past 83 00:03:46.840 --> 00:03:49.319 me like music from another room. The woman he'd been 84 00:03:49.360 --> 00:03:51.759 talking to drifted back to their group, pausing only long 85 00:03:51.879 --> 00:03:54.960 enough to meet my eyes with polite, pointed curiosity. I'm 86 00:03:55.000 --> 00:03:57.319 glad you're having fun, I said to subdue to let 87 00:03:57.319 --> 00:04:00.360 the words lanne wrong. God. Yeah, I wish she came 88 00:04:00.360 --> 00:04:02.840 out to more of the easy Keller collaboration. M Hu, brain's 89 00:04:02.840 --> 00:04:04.680 wired the right way. You just need to take yourself 90 00:04:04.759 --> 00:04:07.759 less seriously, he winked, squeezing my hand, and I let 91 00:04:07.759 --> 00:04:09.719 my fingers curl into his palm, as if that alone 92 00:04:09.719 --> 00:04:11.879 would tell me this is still safe, this is still home. 93 00:04:12.319 --> 00:04:15.199 I drank my wine, mouth tasting sour. We left the 94 00:04:15.199 --> 00:04:18.519 gallery before midnight. Derec was electric, buzzing about a group 95 00:04:18.560 --> 00:04:20.800 project and making plans to help Han and new mural 96 00:04:20.800 --> 00:04:23.560 in the Bishopart's Corridor in the yuber he played with 97 00:04:23.600 --> 00:04:26.879 my fingers, huminituneously and affection that felt, if anything, too careful, 98 00:04:26.959 --> 00:04:29.560 like her rite. He didn't use my nickname that night, 99 00:04:30.279 --> 00:04:33.600 not to me. I lay awake later, unable to sleep. 100 00:04:34.160 --> 00:04:37.720 A reasonable adult would let it go. I thought, just jealousy, 101 00:04:37.879 --> 00:04:41.199 just nerves, But they are named worry I carried wouldn't dissolve. 102 00:04:41.879 --> 00:04:43.920 I tried to tuck it somewhere small, out of sight, 103 00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:45.680 But when I reached for Derek in the dark, his 104 00:04:45.839 --> 00:04:48.199 arm flung over his head. He did not move toward me. 105 00:04:48.839 --> 00:04:51.439 Sleep snared him quickly, deeply, as if he'd already spend 106 00:04:51.439 --> 00:04:53.800 every answ of energy in a life that didn't need mine. 107 00:04:54.279 --> 00:04:56.040 Sleep was late to come to me, and I drifted 108 00:04:56.040 --> 00:04:58.360 in an mind flitting from the name starshen to the 109 00:04:58.360 --> 00:05:00.759 realization we hadn't even finished half of our Friday bottle 110 00:05:00.759 --> 00:05:03.759 before he insisted we leave. As his breath became even, 111 00:05:03.839 --> 00:05:05.680 I remembered the last time I had seen him this 112 00:05:05.759 --> 00:05:07.639 fired of was the summer we first bought the house. 113 00:05:08.360 --> 00:05:10.959 That's where our story always felt strongest in routines too 114 00:05:10.959 --> 00:05:14.160 easy to romanticize until you noticed their thinning out. We 115 00:05:14.240 --> 00:05:17.680 lived in a battud stubbornly charming duplex on Henderson Avenue, 116 00:05:17.680 --> 00:05:19.639 the kind of place he could call vitagey for feeling 117 00:05:19.680 --> 00:05:21.959 forgiving or old a shit after fighting with the kitchen 118 00:05:21.959 --> 00:05:24.600 sink for the fourth time in a month. Deryck's brewery 119 00:05:24.720 --> 00:05:27.000 is less than a mile away squat where brick, pride 120 00:05:27.040 --> 00:05:29.720 and joy with chot would menuse and mismatched wooden stewels. 121 00:05:30.279 --> 00:05:32.720 He built half those tables himself, drove nails too long 122 00:05:32.759 --> 00:05:35.120 into gleaming pine when he was barely twenty seven, and 123 00:05:35.160 --> 00:05:38.240 everything felt possible when we moved in. It was Derec 124 00:05:38.240 --> 00:05:40.839 who found the neighbors. The barbecue crier of chilly sundays 125 00:05:40.839 --> 00:05:43.920 on armor, shape and porch. My world was pocket sized, 126 00:05:44.079 --> 00:05:46.560 my work as well over brands low, ghost swaps on 127 00:05:46.680 --> 00:05:49.040 late night panic over proposals, men that could keep myself 128 00:05:49.040 --> 00:05:51.360 withsy So neither of us ever felt alone. But he 129 00:05:51.399 --> 00:05:54.839 made the place of community. We grew together in strange cemetery. 130 00:05:55.399 --> 00:05:57.800 My family is from the edge of Lafayette, schey and stubborn, 131 00:05:57.920 --> 00:06:00.879 gifted with heavy silences you had to earn. Derrek's khan 132 00:06:00.959 --> 00:06:03.839 is Texas and Kantrarity opinionated a patchwork of uncles and 133 00:06:03.839 --> 00:06:06.279 cousins who argue with affection and show up without warning. 134 00:06:06.879 --> 00:06:08.839 Our wedding was at a dive bar and deep bellum 135 00:06:09.000 --> 00:06:11.319 with pictures of China and the perlist. Derek insisted on 136 00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:14.439 making himself. If we ever get bored, I joked once, 137 00:06:14.639 --> 00:06:16.480 just pick up a weird hobby behind my back. Sow 138 00:06:16.480 --> 00:06:18.920 I can dig up the dirt in yellowy. He'd grin 139 00:06:19.000 --> 00:06:22.000 all teeth. You'll be the first to know em. The 140 00:06:22.040 --> 00:06:24.720 whole first year we did everything together, bad moves and 141 00:06:24.720 --> 00:06:27.560 puzzled knights and renting a kayak inexplicably for a holiday. 142 00:06:27.639 --> 00:06:30.199 Neither of us understood. He liked people. I found that 143 00:06:30.240 --> 00:06:32.560 of Wilming, but I liked him more for it. He 144 00:06:32.639 --> 00:06:35.560 made me braver. Thursdays we went to trivia, a tiny 145 00:06:35.639 --> 00:06:38.160 ritual no matter the weather, even when we're accept his 146 00:06:38.319 --> 00:06:41.480 energy and he'd rather do anything else. He never missed 147 00:06:41.480 --> 00:06:44.800 a knight, not once. Sometimes a crusted on my dead lines. 148 00:06:44.839 --> 00:06:47.319 He brought my laptop to the bar, set up my charger, 149 00:06:47.560 --> 00:06:50.199 order of my drink without asking. These things became a 150 00:06:50.240 --> 00:06:53.839 second language. It always felt if not perfect, then private, 151 00:06:53.920 --> 00:06:55.959 something just ours too tightend it for real danger to 152 00:06:55.959 --> 00:06:58.720 slip in six years can go by in an instant, 153 00:06:58.920 --> 00:07:01.040 or they can lengthen every time you tried to move forward. 154 00:07:01.519 --> 00:07:04.959 Whisplit chorwes and financial anxieties. Hosted block parties with our acasus, 155 00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:07.120 the whole neighbor, juniper and wathered work drum and a 156 00:07:07.120 --> 00:07:10.000 tangle of limbs on our faded blue couch. Talk of 157 00:07:10.079 --> 00:07:12.600 kids came up every so often late night, usually after 158 00:07:12.639 --> 00:07:15.279 a second bottle. One of us would declare maybe one day, 159 00:07:15.560 --> 00:07:17.680 just not yet, and the subject would vanish till the 160 00:07:17.680 --> 00:07:19.680 next friend had a baby, and we debated car seats 161 00:07:19.680 --> 00:07:22.800 and anus corners of the house. Honesty it was the currency, 162 00:07:22.879 --> 00:07:26.800 I convinced myself. We never laughed. Yes, Derek could be impulsive, 163 00:07:26.879 --> 00:07:29.040 sometimes buying we'd gave for a hobby he dropped a 164 00:07:29.040 --> 00:07:32.519 month later at sometimes volunteering to run three simultaneous promotions 165 00:07:32.560 --> 00:07:34.240 at the brewery and needing me to save him at 166 00:07:34.240 --> 00:07:37.680 the eleventh hour. My habit of intense pointed emotions spooked 167 00:07:37.680 --> 00:07:39.000 to him if I turned it on too hard. I 168 00:07:39.040 --> 00:07:41.319 could see him even now, bracing when something got too 169 00:07:41.360 --> 00:07:43.680 heavy for too long. But we were in our own 170 00:07:43.680 --> 00:07:45.920 colonzy way, a good fitted sky wide energy in my 171 00:07:45.959 --> 00:07:48.759 tendency to double check, to hold on tight. It was 172 00:07:48.800 --> 00:07:50.639 because of all that, the history in the rhythm, and 173 00:07:50.680 --> 00:07:52.720 the thousand private jokes I could recite in my sleep 174 00:07:52.720 --> 00:07:54.959 that I brushed aside the lingering prickle from the gallery. 175 00:07:55.600 --> 00:07:58.240 Surely it was nothing. Surely it had to be nothing. 176 00:07:58.759 --> 00:08:00.279 I didn't want to be a wife. You saw a 177 00:08:00.319 --> 00:08:02.959 threat in every hug or jerk who picked at random awkwardness, 178 00:08:02.959 --> 00:08:04.879 as if it were some proof of rot beneath the paint. 179 00:08:05.560 --> 00:08:07.600 It felt easier, at least at first, to be annoyed 180 00:08:07.639 --> 00:08:10.319 at myself for even wondering. But in the unraveling you 181 00:08:10.399 --> 00:08:13.480 always find the stitch. The following Thursday was the first 182 00:08:13.480 --> 00:08:15.560 and six years that Derek didn't lock eyes with me 183 00:08:15.639 --> 00:08:17.959 over our usual bar table A mouth someome stupid pun 184 00:08:17.959 --> 00:08:20.439 as a trivia host read out a question he texted 185 00:08:20.439 --> 00:08:22.800 at five, Hey babe, go a skip to night art 186 00:08:22.800 --> 00:08:24.839 thin group meeting. They looped me in kind of last minute. 187 00:08:24.839 --> 00:08:27.680 You'll kill it, Sola, right, I'll owe you takut. I 188 00:08:27.680 --> 00:08:31.319 will read the message mouth twistin. Maybe I was being unfair, 189 00:08:31.399 --> 00:08:35.440 but I felt instantly untether it was trivia or trivia. 190 00:08:36.159 --> 00:08:38.320 At first, I half expected him to show up late, 191 00:08:38.440 --> 00:08:40.840 slouching as the free answer over round started, armed within 192 00:08:40.840 --> 00:08:45.039 a loaver apology. Instead, I went alone, ordered our usual drinks, 193 00:08:45.080 --> 00:08:47.600 and texted him a photo of my losing score. He 194 00:08:47.679 --> 00:08:50.120 called at nine back run noise faint, his tone high 195 00:08:50.120 --> 00:08:52.759 and distracted. Sorry, and I'll make it up to you 196 00:08:52.840 --> 00:08:55.120 this weekend, promised, you need me to bring anything home, 197 00:08:55.720 --> 00:08:58.840 It's fine, I said, trying to sound light. Next week 198 00:08:58.879 --> 00:09:02.120 you're coming, he insisted, I'll trade your stories. These people 199 00:09:02.120 --> 00:09:05.159 are out there. Miss you tonight, Starshane, He hum, up, 200 00:09:05.679 --> 00:09:07.799 I've rubbed my phone in my palm. Some urge to 201 00:09:07.840 --> 00:09:10.799 call him back, rising then fading. I tried to focus 202 00:09:10.799 --> 00:09:12.919 on the trivic clues, but found myself free reading his 203 00:09:13.000 --> 00:09:16.519 last two texts, searching for evidence of normalcy. Derrek got 204 00:09:16.519 --> 00:09:19.919 home just past eleven. His breath was peppermint, but underneath 205 00:09:19.960 --> 00:09:21.720 that the tang of oil paint and something for all 206 00:09:21.799 --> 00:09:25.000 not his nod oers. In the Hayese lit kitchen, he 207 00:09:25.039 --> 00:09:27.679 set his keys down, shrugged off his backpack, and gave 208 00:09:27.720 --> 00:09:29.879 me the bashful, hopeful look that usually meant had caught 209 00:09:29.919 --> 00:09:33.679 him eating my left of re pie long night, I asked. 210 00:09:34.399 --> 00:09:37.200 He grinned lost in a weed spape. I think I 211 00:09:37.240 --> 00:09:39.240 promised to help someone was set up on Saturday. Do 212 00:09:39.320 --> 00:09:41.919 we have plans? I said, we didn't notice in the 213 00:09:41.960 --> 00:09:44.000 paint smudge on the cuff of his jean's navy blue 214 00:09:44.200 --> 00:09:46.240 like the color of the gallery woman's jumpsuit had been. 215 00:09:46.799 --> 00:09:49.879 After he showered, he slid into bed, called against my shoulder. 216 00:09:50.600 --> 00:09:52.360 I ticked off all the reasons I should just go 217 00:09:52.399 --> 00:09:56.080 to sleep. Don't make a mountain out of weirdness. He's loud, 218 00:09:56.120 --> 00:09:59.559 new friends, don't be the cliche AND's cure wife, don't, 219 00:09:59.559 --> 00:10:03.039 don't don't. He fell asleep with barely a whird. The 220 00:10:03.120 --> 00:10:06.080 next Thursday came and Derec announced again, too bright, almost 221 00:10:06.120 --> 00:10:08.879 like a practice script that he has of the art thing. Babe, Sorry, 222 00:10:08.960 --> 00:10:10.840 the Double booked me to help prep a mural design 223 00:10:10.879 --> 00:10:13.039 for the Bishop Wall. I know, I know, I said 224 00:10:13.080 --> 00:10:15.679 next week, I owe you Double. Can you make trivia 225 00:10:15.799 --> 00:10:18.720 just for the last round, I asked, voice already sliding 226 00:10:18.720 --> 00:10:22.200 toward apologetic. He scuffed his shoes, searching for his bag. 227 00:10:22.360 --> 00:10:25.360 Then poll was half way at the door. Can't sorry, 228 00:10:25.399 --> 00:10:27.279 they need me for set up. I'll send you an 229 00:10:27.320 --> 00:10:30.240 embarrassing pick later so you don't forget my face. He 230 00:10:30.279 --> 00:10:32.480 gave me a half hug, distracted, and left his phone 231 00:10:32.519 --> 00:10:34.679 charging next to the toaster, not his way, not over 232 00:10:35.399 --> 00:10:37.559 For a ridiculous moment, I wondered if he'd done it 233 00:10:37.559 --> 00:10:40.639 on purpose, as a show of trust. Almost adare. I 234 00:10:40.720 --> 00:10:43.840 nearly left it, but then Epping startled me. The notification 235 00:10:43.919 --> 00:10:46.519 bounder flash leo art. Hope he'll do that sketch to night. 236 00:10:47.200 --> 00:10:51.120 The emoji felt wrong, intimate, not vulgar, not floating exactly, 237 00:10:51.200 --> 00:10:53.480 but co conspiratorial, a little winkie used when you're sure 238 00:10:53.519 --> 00:10:56.720 he's sure secret. I almost convinced myself to look away. 239 00:10:57.279 --> 00:10:59.200 I put my thumb on the home button, then snatched 240 00:10:59.240 --> 00:11:02.960 my hand back. We trusted each other, didn't we. Maybe 241 00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:05.399 he just left it because he was frazzled running late 242 00:11:05.480 --> 00:11:08.480 carrying paints and brushes. Maybe if I looked, I'd only 243 00:11:08.519 --> 00:11:11.279 find evidence of my own insecurity. But I didn't let 244 00:11:11.360 --> 00:11:14.759 myself read further. I turned the phone screen down out 245 00:11:14.799 --> 00:11:17.559 of reach. If he was so excited about this group, 246 00:11:17.679 --> 00:11:20.519 why not just tell me more? Why couch everything as 247 00:11:20.519 --> 00:11:22.840 a joke or rush? I plait it? I wasn't invited 248 00:11:22.879 --> 00:11:25.279 to if it was truly nothing, ill workshop and a 249 00:11:25.320 --> 00:11:27.200 chaotic crowd. Why did it sting when I saw him 250 00:11:27.279 --> 00:11:30.279 light up around her? I spent the night restlessly working, 251 00:11:30.440 --> 00:11:32.639 deleting and writing a single line for a pet stall's 252 00:11:32.639 --> 00:11:36.279 re branding pitch. The couch shached, The room felt twice 253 00:11:36.279 --> 00:11:37.679 as big with just me and the buzz of the 254 00:11:37.720 --> 00:11:40.639 neighbor's TV through the wall. By the next morning, I 255 00:11:40.679 --> 00:11:43.480 told myself I'd put it out of mind. Derec made 256 00:11:43.480 --> 00:11:45.720 breakfast as if it were any other day's, scrambled eggs, 257 00:11:45.720 --> 00:11:48.720 his signature SELSA at the kitchen, radio low. He kissed 258 00:11:48.759 --> 00:11:51.159 the top of my head, his beard scratchy, careful not 259 00:11:51.200 --> 00:11:53.840 to let his coffee drip onto my laptop. Notes you'd 260 00:11:53.840 --> 00:11:55.919 never know anything was different if you weren't looking for it. 261 00:11:56.600 --> 00:11:59.120 Day swelled into weeks, the changes stacking up like receipts 262 00:11:59.120 --> 00:12:01.519 in the junk draw. You put it and you'll organize. 263 00:12:01.559 --> 00:12:05.320 Derek's outings became more frequent, more urgent. He started coming 264 00:12:05.360 --> 00:12:08.000 home late on weeknights, sometimes after midnight, dropping his bag 265 00:12:08.039 --> 00:12:11.000 and heading straight for the shower. Hummings ons I didn't recognize, 266 00:12:11.080 --> 00:12:13.799 always with a trace of something that didn't belong perfume 267 00:12:13.799 --> 00:12:17.720 that wasn't mine, torpentine a faint metallic sweetness. His story's 268 00:12:17.720 --> 00:12:21.080 got thinner, the details jagged. We're planning this mural, big thing. 269 00:12:21.120 --> 00:12:23.240 Everyone's got this action. He should totally check it out 270 00:12:23.240 --> 00:12:27.240 when it's done. What's a mural about? I asked one Tuesday, 271 00:12:27.360 --> 00:12:30.360 curiosity forcing my voice too high. You never said what 272 00:12:30.399 --> 00:12:34.720 you're painting, he shrugged. Though you know, lots of abstract stuff, 273 00:12:34.879 --> 00:12:38.559 Collo's mood. He looked down, distracted by a persistent hangnail 274 00:12:39.159 --> 00:12:41.480 Lele is running point, so it'll probably end up weird 275 00:12:41.480 --> 00:12:43.559 as out. You'd love it. He didn't ask me to 276 00:12:43.600 --> 00:12:46.799 come see it. I googled Dallis Art Collective of the afternoon, 277 00:12:46.960 --> 00:12:49.519 combing through pages of group bios and blurry photos, but 278 00:12:49.600 --> 00:12:52.120 found nothing star shaped or murle related. Only lots of 279 00:12:52.159 --> 00:12:54.600 boastful vent posts, silent owl on the details that Derek 280 00:12:54.679 --> 00:12:58.320 kept dodging. He started buying art supplies, sketch pads, sets 281 00:12:58.320 --> 00:13:00.960 of pencils, extremely specific colored pens that showed up in 282 00:13:01.000 --> 00:13:04.399 our Vemmo history, and unshared critic card. He never told 283 00:13:04.440 --> 00:13:06.600 me you like sketching, I said, trying to keep it light. 284 00:13:07.240 --> 00:13:10.200 His eyes went wide. For a moment. Oh yeah, it's 285 00:13:10.240 --> 00:13:13.080 just for sketches, like collaborative stuff. He note, group projects. 286 00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:16.080 Everyone chips in. He laughed too loud, then turned the 287 00:13:16.120 --> 00:13:18.240 conversation to something else entirely. I think it was a 288 00:13:18.240 --> 00:13:20.840 faulty fridge on my sister's recent break up, or anything 289 00:13:20.879 --> 00:13:24.320 not related to his activities after sundown, the timelines didn't 290 00:13:24.320 --> 00:13:27.200 add up. A seventy dollars received for a restaurant I'd 291 00:13:27.200 --> 00:13:30.320 never heard of, dated last Friday, appeared in our card statement. 292 00:13:30.879 --> 00:13:33.320 I stared at it, frowning. He said he was swamped 293 00:13:33.360 --> 00:13:36.000 at work, ordering takeout and eating at the brewery with 294 00:13:36.000 --> 00:13:38.440 the late shift crew. Why not say he'd just gone 295 00:13:38.440 --> 00:13:41.600 out for lunch. When I mentioned the charge, he waved 296 00:13:41.639 --> 00:13:44.200 it away. Our group did a lunch and learned thing 297 00:13:44.559 --> 00:13:47.480 really boring. You're not missing much, he said, looking away 298 00:13:47.480 --> 00:13:51.759 too fast. Some nights he came home practically vibrating with energy, giddy, 299 00:13:51.879 --> 00:13:54.320 almost loose limb, like he was holding a glorious inside 300 00:13:54.399 --> 00:13:58.480 joke just for himself. These moods never lasted. Other times 301 00:13:58.519 --> 00:14:00.559 he was oddly quiet, lips copied beween, a smile and 302 00:14:00.600 --> 00:14:04.360 a confession not letting me in conversations was abruptly. Where 303 00:14:04.399 --> 00:14:07.080 he'd once shared every small brewery, misshapp or neighborly drama, 304 00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:09.799 he now offered only a thought, not much. When I pressed, 305 00:14:10.360 --> 00:14:13.039 I'd catch myself asking again, how is your knight? And 306 00:14:13.120 --> 00:14:16.120 his answers became a revolving door of generic phrases. We 307 00:14:16.159 --> 00:14:18.399 still made our chilly on Sundays, but he'd stir it 308 00:14:18.480 --> 00:14:20.919 off into the kitchen window as I duced onions, barely 309 00:14:20.919 --> 00:14:24.720 moving unless prompted inside jokes, our oldest currency fell flat, 310 00:14:24.840 --> 00:14:27.559 or he missed them altogether. At first, I thought I 311 00:14:27.639 --> 00:14:31.360 was just overly sensitive. Maybe freelance dress was making me needy, 312 00:14:31.639 --> 00:14:35.559 raw irritable. I tried to initiate intimacy, soft touches at 313 00:14:35.559 --> 00:14:37.600 the dinner table, leaning into him during a show we 314 00:14:37.600 --> 00:14:39.840 both loved, but I could feel the hesitation in his ribs. 315 00:14:40.000 --> 00:14:42.600 The half paused before he responded the silent question in 316 00:14:42.639 --> 00:14:45.840 each return embrace, what are we holding on to outside 317 00:14:45.840 --> 00:14:49.159 the house? Things grew slightly more surreal. Our mutual friend 318 00:14:49.240 --> 00:14:53.159 jacka reliably sardonic, mediculously observant Webb developer with an endlessupply 319 00:14:53.240 --> 00:14:56.240 of beauty cought sources, mentioned during a Saturday, drop in, Hey, 320 00:14:56.480 --> 00:14:59.320 we'd seeing Derek out in Bishopart's Thursday. Figured you both 321 00:14:59.360 --> 00:15:02.919 were on some kind of wild date night. I froze 322 00:15:02.960 --> 00:15:08.360 Thursday a repeated heartbeat, skittering. Jack nodded. Pierre saw him 323 00:15:08.360 --> 00:15:10.639 in front of Biernavido with some folks. Didn't want to 324 00:15:10.639 --> 00:15:13.840 book him. Thought y'all would have mentioned Derek, I recalled, 325 00:15:13.919 --> 00:15:15.879 had said he was working late at the brewery. Beer 326 00:15:15.919 --> 00:15:19.159 transfer delay annoying but an avoidable. There was no mention 327 00:15:19.200 --> 00:15:22.159 of Bishopots, of any outing of a wandering post work crowd. 328 00:15:22.840 --> 00:15:25.200 I offered Jack an awkward laugh, probably one of his 329 00:15:25.320 --> 00:15:28.159 art people, and changed the subject. The muscles in my 330 00:15:28.240 --> 00:15:31.559 jauth roomed all evening. The online world wasn't much better. 331 00:15:32.639 --> 00:15:35.759 On Sunday night, Methamidley's goold Instagram. While Derek was in 332 00:15:35.759 --> 00:15:38.559 the shower, a friend of a friend Tagtash Dallas Art 333 00:15:38.559 --> 00:15:41.120 collected a group photo in a bar. Everyone mid laugh. 334 00:15:41.720 --> 00:15:43.960 There was Derek anchor in the middle. Arm looped not 335 00:15:44.039 --> 00:15:47.840 just companionably but purposefully behind Leela's back. She was beaming 336 00:15:47.919 --> 00:15:51.799 glass wreys de heads almost touching. The photos caption dynamic 337 00:15:51.879 --> 00:15:55.960 duoada again a blur of other faces non familiar. I 338 00:15:56.000 --> 00:15:59.320 stared much longer than was reasonable. I hunted for contexts, 339 00:15:59.399 --> 00:16:02.720 check the comments, flipped through the tag profiles. Leela's feed 340 00:16:02.759 --> 00:16:05.440 was a rite of paints, battered canvases, and cryptic song lyrics. 341 00:16:05.639 --> 00:16:08.879 Nothing remotely scandalous. But one comment from Derek, best partner 342 00:16:08.879 --> 00:16:10.720 in crimed let up on a post about not coming 343 00:16:10.720 --> 00:16:13.679 a private series the way people banded in the replies 344 00:16:13.720 --> 00:16:16.360 inside jerks winking e Morgis left me feeling like the 345 00:16:16.360 --> 00:16:19.200 pitiful kid outside a lock club. Pass odd that a 346 00:16:19.240 --> 00:16:21.840 group is public facing, as his supposed new friends didn't 347 00:16:21.879 --> 00:16:25.200 have more open events, more posts. But maybe I was 348 00:16:25.320 --> 00:16:28.080 just a bitter left out. Even our shared finances crew 349 00:16:28.120 --> 00:16:31.879 faintly suspicious. A Vemo payment Derek Toalelah two weeks ago 350 00:16:32.000 --> 00:16:34.519 labeled simply for creativity to saclaring at me on our 351 00:16:34.559 --> 00:16:37.840 bank app. He'd never paid a group member for anything before. 352 00:16:38.639 --> 00:16:40.960 I tried to imagine what a normal explanation would be, 353 00:16:41.039 --> 00:16:43.200 if only I could figure out where the boundary between 354 00:16:43.200 --> 00:16:46.679 hobby and hiding truly started. At work, my focus slipped. 355 00:16:47.279 --> 00:16:49.279 I delivered a branding deck to a client with two 356 00:16:49.279 --> 00:16:52.720 typos in the headline. Unforgivable for me. Deadlines began to 357 00:16:52.759 --> 00:16:56.320 swim by blurring at the edges. Mia, my oldest friend 358 00:16:56.320 --> 00:16:58.120 and the closest thing I have to a truth compass, 359 00:16:58.200 --> 00:17:01.039 noticed immediately, you've got one one foot on another planet, 360 00:17:01.159 --> 00:17:02.799 she said, in the middle of his zoom happy hour, 361 00:17:02.919 --> 00:17:05.920 raising an eyebrow over her wine. I didn't explain, though 362 00:17:05.920 --> 00:17:09.480 the colonel of reality was burrowing deeper. Just busy, I lied, 363 00:17:09.559 --> 00:17:11.839 then pivoted to her new CrossFit routine, which made her 364 00:17:11.839 --> 00:17:14.160 groan and let me off the hook. I tried to 365 00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:17.720 collect myself to become scientific. I checked the calendar entries. 366 00:17:17.720 --> 00:17:19.799 Derek had made the most vague, only the words a 367 00:17:19.839 --> 00:17:22.279 collective or meet up or once help held in a 368 00:17:22.319 --> 00:17:25.680 box on Saturday night. He rarely specified were or when, 369 00:17:25.920 --> 00:17:27.839 just that he'd be home late, not to wade up. 370 00:17:28.400 --> 00:17:30.640 I stopped texting to ask. His replies always the same, 371 00:17:30.720 --> 00:17:33.640 probably late, don't hold dinner for a stretch. I half 372 00:17:33.640 --> 00:17:36.519 convinced myself this was just a slightly obsessive new phase, 373 00:17:36.559 --> 00:17:39.359 a mid career deader. Derek needed to throw himself into something. 374 00:17:39.400 --> 00:17:42.640 After some brewery stress, I was being punitive, squinting for flaws. 375 00:17:42.680 --> 00:17:45.480 These new friendships were in a threat only inconveniently tanned. 376 00:17:46.039 --> 00:17:48.240 I nearly believed it each time I made myself name 377 00:17:48.319 --> 00:17:52.200 these explanations out loud. One ordinary Tuesday, Derek brought home 378 00:17:52.200 --> 00:17:55.720 a painting, an abstract swell of electric yellow and bruce plum, 379 00:17:55.880 --> 00:17:58.319 all motion and color, nothing that resembled the city, or 380 00:17:58.359 --> 00:18:00.599 our house, or even anything I could anchor to. He 381 00:18:00.680 --> 00:18:03.599 dropped it on the entry table, grinning, collective. Did this 382 00:18:03.680 --> 00:18:05.640 for the charity auction I told you about. Lee was 383 00:18:05.680 --> 00:18:07.839 the real genius. Her signature's there, but the whole groups 384 00:18:07.839 --> 00:18:11.440 on it somewhere cool right, askandit uncertain how to react. 385 00:18:12.160 --> 00:18:15.279 It's a lot of energy. Who's buying it? Somebody will? 386 00:18:15.400 --> 00:18:17.480 We got to raise at least too grand for the shelter. 387 00:18:18.200 --> 00:18:21.440 He looked so proud it almost forgot myself. Maybe I'll 388 00:18:21.440 --> 00:18:25.119 come next time, I said, voice climbing. He hesitated, small 389 00:18:25.160 --> 00:18:28.319 but clear, then smiling. Definitely he'd get along. I told 390 00:18:28.359 --> 00:18:30.279 them your scary good ideas, want me to put you 391 00:18:30.319 --> 00:18:33.519 on the event list. Relief washed over me, thin but real. 392 00:18:34.160 --> 00:18:36.839 For a few precious days, things inched back toward normal. 393 00:18:37.480 --> 00:18:39.960 Derek stayed in more cook to elaborate meals, helped me 394 00:18:39.960 --> 00:18:42.359 plun a weekend away in Austin. We went to bed 395 00:18:42.359 --> 00:18:44.680 at the same time. Lynce tangled and walk up beside 396 00:18:44.720 --> 00:18:47.079 each other. He scheduled a date night at an old 397 00:18:47.079 --> 00:18:50.039 patio bar, making a show of toasting to us always 398 00:18:50.720 --> 00:18:54.000 for five days. I was almost ashamed of doubted. Maybe 399 00:18:54.000 --> 00:18:56.039 he just needed the gap, something to call his own. 400 00:18:56.640 --> 00:19:00.839 I let my body relax. I started sleeping again, almost soundly. 401 00:19:01.480 --> 00:19:03.599