Speaker 1: This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app kf I AM six forty. You
Speaker 1: know doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh Show. And if you are new to my show,
Speaker 1: I'm a psychology professor, but I've written three books on
Speaker 1: relationships and I love to give my opinion on your
Speaker 1: love life because I've been through it all. I'm a
Speaker 1: woman of a certain age, and I promise you I've
Speaker 1: been through most everything myself. If you'd like to call in,
Speaker 1: the number is one eight hundred five two zero one
Speaker 1: five three four. That's one eight hundred five to zero
Speaker 1: one KFI. I'd also like to welcome our Instagram audience.
Speaker 1: If you want to come in the KFI studios, you
Speaker 1: just log onto Instagram. My handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, so,
Speaker 1: who do we have? First? Producer k Lax. We have
Speaker 1: Stormy with the question. Stormy. Hi, Stormy, It's doctor Wendy. Hi.
Speaker 1: What's your question? Love? So?
Speaker 2: I think my partner and I've been together for five
Speaker 2: years a little over five years. There was some cheating.
Speaker 3: On my end that I've fully owned up to.
Speaker 1: When was that?
Speaker 2: It was about a year ago?
Speaker 1: Okay, So you worked together for four years and then
Speaker 1: something was missing for you, and so you had an
Speaker 1: affair a year ago. Is that right?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Okay, things were worked through, we got better, you know,
Speaker 4: promised each other, you know, things were going to be okay.
Speaker 2: And then recently, i'd say, over the past two maybe
Speaker 2: maybe three months, things have just gone really really downhill,
Speaker 2: really fast.
Speaker 1: Describe the relationship going downhill in the last three months.
Speaker 1: And also I want to know how you worked through
Speaker 1: the forgiveness with the affair and the trust issues. Did
Speaker 1: you go to therapy together?
Speaker 4: We did do some therapy together, I would say, with
Speaker 4: me fully owning up to what.
Speaker 2: I'd done, taking full responsibility for it, you know, not
Speaker 2: putting any you know, like it was my fault and
Speaker 2: I know that I shouldn't have done it.
Speaker 3: And there's no excuse for doing that.
Speaker 2: He was really accepting of that, and you know it
Speaker 2: was I guess kind of want to say thankful that
Speaker 2: I did own up.
Speaker 1: To it and he was able to get to a
Speaker 1: place of forgiveness. Yes, And then did you guys, I'm
Speaker 1: always curious about this. What kind of work did you
Speaker 1: do to build trust again? Like did you allow him
Speaker 1: to you know, be mistrustful for a while, you know,
Speaker 1: look in your phone, ask you where you're going? How
Speaker 1: did that part go?
Speaker 2: Well? He never really, I mean he always did that,
Speaker 2: you know, I mean there was he was never not
Speaker 2: able to do something like that. It give me my phone, and.
Speaker 1: You still managed to have an affair. Yeah, humans are
Speaker 1: very smart. All right, So let's talk about the last
Speaker 1: three months. What has gone downhill? What's happened.
Speaker 2: The whole I want to say, the whole relationship. You know,
Speaker 2: communication has basically ceased. We no longer sleep together. The
Speaker 2: sex life has just gone, I mean like gone.
Speaker 1: And so what precipitated this all of a sudden, I.
Speaker 2: Want to say, kind of maybe got into my own
Speaker 2: mind and thought that because he was so easy to
Speaker 2: you know, like get his trust back. Even after the fair,
Speaker 2: it was as if he was only mad for two
Speaker 2: days and then he was over it. You know, maybe
Speaker 2: he had done something because you know, you can't can't
Speaker 2: really complain if you're doing the same thing type of situation.
Speaker 1: You started to lose trust.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I started to lose trust, and then he began
Speaker 2: to call me insecure over that and that I my
Speaker 2: attitude problems essentially you know, ruined it for him, and
Speaker 2: that he just doesn't want to he's not physically attracted
Speaker 2: to me, and that's ending more.
Speaker 1: Okay, So I want to say a couple of things.
Speaker 1: One is that an affair is usually a symptom of
Speaker 1: a problem, it's not the problem. And so getting to
Speaker 1: the bottom of whatever your unmet need was that caused
Speaker 1: you to step out on the relationship is should be
Speaker 1: the goal of therapy together. Right. But the second thing is,
Speaker 1: if enough time and you guys haven't worked hard to
Speaker 1: build the trust on both sides, again, all kinds of
Speaker 1: things could be going on unconsciously. I mean, he might
Speaker 1: want to get back at you in some way, some retribution,
Speaker 1: and you know you're right to suspect, well, well, he
Speaker 1: seemed to get over it so quickly. Maybe he's having
Speaker 1: an affair, right, But you guys didn't talk about these things.
Speaker 1: You just let them kind of fester there. So now
Speaker 1: he's saying he's not physically attracted to you, And I
Speaker 1: want you to know that it's not about you and
Speaker 1: your body or your looks. It's what happened in his
Speaker 1: brain because of this lack of trust. So let me
Speaker 1: ask you this, Stormy, what do you want? What do
Speaker 1: you want to have happen?
Speaker 2: I mean, I want to work things out, and you know,
Speaker 2: I love it. I bingim for five years now. It's
Speaker 2: it's not anything that I want to lose, but it
Speaker 2: has also caused me to lose some I want to say,
Speaker 2: some attraction towards him as well, you know, the lack
Speaker 2: of intimacy and the relationship. Yeah, I feel like I
Speaker 2: want to I basically have to like beg, you know,
Speaker 2: and I'm not a beggar. I don't want to beg.
Speaker 2: It makes me seem very desperate. Yeah, nobody wants to
Speaker 2: see a beggar.
Speaker 1: Well, okay, so here's what you guys. If you're if
Speaker 1: there's any hope of the two of you building the
Speaker 1: trust and intimacy that you had in previous years in
Speaker 1: your relationship, you guys got to get back into couples
Speaker 1: therapy together, and they're probably gonna One of the things
Speaker 1: that they might prescribe is for you not to rush
Speaker 1: into sex with him, but instead get back to just
Speaker 1: cuddling and kissing and touching and just being respectful to
Speaker 1: each other and being open to listening to each other's feelings.
Speaker 1: But if he won't go to therapy, do the two
Speaker 1: of you live together?
Speaker 2: We do?
Speaker 1: Yeah, you live together. He's saying he's not attracted to you.
Speaker 1: If he won't go to therapy, then he got a
Speaker 1: problem because you're basically he's basically breaking up with you
Speaker 1: at that point, and then you've got to decide whether
Speaker 1: to go or not. It's a terrible time. I think
Speaker 1: it can be saved, but only if the two of
Speaker 1: you go to therapy together so that you can work
Speaker 1: on this and storm it. I know how painful this is,
Speaker 1: and thank you so much for calling to share it
Speaker 1: with me.
Speaker 3: That's all.
Speaker 1: It's a hard one. Thank you for calling. All right, Producer, Kayla,
Speaker 1: Who do we have next? We have Nick with a question. Nick. Hi, Nick,
Speaker 1: It's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 3: Hi.
Speaker 5: I don't know if you remember me. I was married,
Speaker 5: I had a foster, my niece and nephew, and then
Speaker 5: after six month year you got a divorce because he
Speaker 5: gave me a yeah.
Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 5: He gave me an ultimatum between him and the kids.
Speaker 5: But I was just wondering if, like, after you find
Speaker 5: out love, like, is it relevant anymore? Like, you also
Speaker 5: want a connection with someone, like do you like?
Speaker 2: What do you do?
Speaker 5: Just find a mutual agreement between someone?
Speaker 1: Wait, go back to the beginning. You were cut out.
Speaker 1: You said, after you fall out of love, what do
Speaker 1: you do? What did you say?
Speaker 5: Yeah, so after you kind of like find out love
Speaker 5: isn't relevant anymore?
Speaker 3: If that makes sense?
Speaker 1: Well, Nick, let us break down what your definition of
Speaker 1: love is. Yes, what is it? What does love mean
Speaker 1: to you?
Speaker 5: I mean just someone that's gonna go through anything and
Speaker 5: everything with you.
Speaker 1: Uh huh. And so now the relationship you're in, you don't.
Speaker 5: Trust, not in a relationship, But I don't like I
Speaker 5: do want some type of connection, but like I don't
Speaker 5: want a relationship if that makes sense.
Speaker 1: Huh? So uh what kind of connection would you like? Nick?
Speaker 7: Well, I don't want.
Speaker 1: I don't want what the relationship I.
Speaker 5: Had before, where I thought it was like all fairy
Speaker 5: tale endings.
Speaker 1: Well, I think it's a great thing that we can
Speaker 1: all let go of fairy tale endings. First of all,
Speaker 1: that's a big delusion. Most rom com movies end at
Speaker 1: the very beginning, where the work starts, right, But I
Speaker 1: think that you have this idea that security. You use
Speaker 1: the word love, but then you described feelings of trust
Speaker 1: and security. You tell me that security is irrelevant, or
Speaker 1: maybe you're saying it's not possible. Maybe because of the
Speaker 1: hurt you've been through, you've actually lost faith in whether
Speaker 1: you can find that kind of safety in a relationship. Again,
Speaker 1: is that what I'm hearing?
Speaker 5: I mean, yeah, but like something is important as taking
Speaker 5: care of my nephew and niece, Like seven years of
Speaker 5: relationship just ended because they didn't want to help out
Speaker 5: for a while.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's hard because a few weeks ago, a few
Speaker 1: weeks ago, nick I did a segment on how to
Speaker 1: break up with somebody you're in love with, right, because
Speaker 1: you have different life goals. You realize that somebody is
Speaker 1: on a career path that's not going to make sense
Speaker 1: for you, or somebody wants kids and somebody doesn't want kids,
Speaker 1: and that's when it hurts.
Speaker 7: Right.
Speaker 1: So, first of all, the altruistic and kind, loving thing
Speaker 1: you're doing by being a parent to your niece and
Speaker 1: nephew is so powerful and so important, And there is
Speaker 1: going to be someone out there who will deeply respect
Speaker 1: you and that act of love that you are giving
Speaker 1: every day, and so to dismiss the idea that you
Speaker 1: can ever find somebody who could help out or could
Speaker 1: love and appreciate you for who you are. I don't
Speaker 1: think you should give up on love. I think it's
Speaker 1: out there and it will come at the right time.
Speaker 1: But not if you're cynical about love, Nick, because I
Speaker 1: know you have a well of love to give. You've
Speaker 1: called in before, you told us your story. I know
Speaker 1: what a giver you are, and I promise you there's
Speaker 1: somebody out there who gives as much as you do
Speaker 1: or more. Thank you for calling. All right, when we
Speaker 1: come back, I'm going to go to social media. I
Speaker 1: see a lot of dms coming in and answer some
Speaker 1: of your questions from social media. You are listening to
Speaker 1: the Doctor Wendy Show on KFI AM six forty. We're
Speaker 1: live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 7: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 7: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to.
Speaker 6: The Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty,
Speaker 6: Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I love to go
Speaker 6: to my social media into my DMS because you guys
Speaker 6: write some good stuff, really good questions you send on
Speaker 6: my DMS, and I don't worry if you ever send
Speaker 6: me any during the weekend, do it at anytime.
Speaker 1: The handle is at Dr Wendy Walsh. We mostly check Instagram.
Speaker 1: Kayla looks at it, she'll pull them off. You will
Speaker 1: not be identified on the radio ever. I would never
Speaker 1: out anybody that way. So you can be as honest
Speaker 1: as you like. All Right, Hi, Doctor Wendy says this listener.
Speaker 1: I had a date with a guy about a month ago.
Speaker 1: We text and call every day, but when I try
Speaker 1: to make plans he has excuses. Why does he text
Speaker 1: me every day but won't see me? It's so weird.
Speaker 1: You're gonna hate what I'm gonna say. The answer is
Speaker 1: because you let him. Because you let him. You see,
Speaker 1: we teach people how to treat us. I would turn
Speaker 1: this whole question around and instead of saying why is
Speaker 1: he texting you every day and not wanting to see you?
Speaker 1: I would say why are you responding to texts from
Speaker 1: a guy who doesn't want to see you?
Speaker 6: Right?
Speaker 1: Ask yourself why? I know I know the answer. You're
Speaker 1: in love with Hope, and you think if you're nice
Speaker 1: and sweet and chatty with him, eventually he'll come around
Speaker 1: and get together. No, no, no, no, no, no, this guy,
Speaker 1: I'll tell you why he does it. He likes you
Speaker 1: only he likes you, but he also likes the other
Speaker 1: twenty girls he's texting. I'm making up that number could
Speaker 1: be five, and so he's just when he you know,
Speaker 1: when he has a last minute plan or something, he's
Speaker 1: going to text one of them and go, you up
Speaker 1: or you want to go, I got tickets to this whatever,
Speaker 1: and it's just going to be very He doesn't have
Speaker 1: to do much work, so you need to be the
Speaker 1: woman who disappears and makes him work. We teach people
Speaker 1: how to treat us by our reaction to them, and
Speaker 1: every time you text back, you are giving him permission
Speaker 1: to have a halfway text relationship with you. All Right,
Speaker 1: Dear doctor Wendy, I hope you can help me with this.
Speaker 1: I'll do my best. A new girl i'm seeing is
Speaker 1: from a guy did a background check on me, and
Speaker 1: it brought up that I was arrested back in twenty nineteen.
Speaker 1: Let me do that math. That's five years ago.
Speaker 7: Okay.
Speaker 1: She started questioning me about everything that took place, But
Speaker 1: I've grown so much since then. However, I still got
Speaker 1: defensive and I even cursed at her. I regret this
Speaker 1: so much. How do I own up to my past
Speaker 1: mistakes and not act out when they are brought up?
Speaker 1: So this message goes to everybody who's listening, who has
Speaker 1: anything in their past that they regret or that they
Speaker 1: learned from. It is the feeling of shame, and shame
Speaker 1: is only dangerous to us when it is when the
Speaker 1: trauma has been unprocessed. Right, Once you process whatever you've
Speaker 1: been through and understand it, make a narrative and a
Speaker 1: story about it, be comfortable with yourself and the lessons
Speaker 1: you've learned because of it. Whatever this thing is, then
Speaker 1: you can talk about it freely. If you followed me
Speaker 1: for a lot of years, you know that I have
Speaker 1: been everything that ever existed, from a mistress to a
Speaker 1: living girlfriend, to a wife, to a divorcee to a
Speaker 1: victim of domestic domestic violence. I have been a victim
Speaker 1: of rape. I can talk about it because I spent
Speaker 1: all those years in therapy crying about it, processing all
Speaker 1: those feelings. Right, So you're going to get to a point,
Speaker 1: hopefully where you can say, yeah, I made a big
Speaker 1: mistake and I was given a huge lesson to learn,
Speaker 1: and I am not that person. You know my own husband,
Speaker 1: if you've again follow me, you already know this. If
Speaker 1: you'reknew to this show, My own husband served a year
Speaker 1: of incarceration in his life, and he told me about
Speaker 1: it on our very first coffee date. And while I
Speaker 1: wanted to know every detail, I was more curious. And
Speaker 1: he calls it understanding and empathetic more than accusatory. But
Speaker 1: you have to understand that the people, most of the
Speaker 1: people that you're going to be telling the story to,
Speaker 1: whatever it is that happened in your past, it might
Speaker 1: just it might be incarceration, it might be something else
Speaker 1: that happened to you or something you did. Those other
Speaker 1: people have their own shame, and sometimes by you telling
Speaker 1: your story, it ignore and it's their shame. But guess what,
Speaker 1: that's their problem, it's not yours. Because you've processed it,
Speaker 1: you've gone through it, you're able to talk about it.
Speaker 1: You can quite honestly say how you've grown. And in fact,
Speaker 1: one of the best ways to talk about shame is
Speaker 1: to say the words, you know, I feel really ashamed
Speaker 1: sometimes about this It's also okay to have boundaries, especially
Speaker 1: if it's a first date. You could say something like,
Speaker 1: you know, I have some feelings of embarrassment and shame
Speaker 1: about this, and you do deserve an explanation. And when
Speaker 1: I know you better, hopefully I can share with you
Speaker 1: all the details of that. That's called having a boundary.
Speaker 1: You can do that too. Thank you for writing, and
Speaker 1: I'm sorry you're going through this all right, Dear doctor Wendy.
Speaker 1: I have a problem. Every time I have a new partner,
Speaker 1: I find their X. How do you find their X?
Speaker 1: I guess on social media or whatever? Okay, and compare
Speaker 1: myself to them. And then she writes in caps, every
Speaker 1: single time I was cheated on in every relationship I
Speaker 1: was in with their ex. Oh my, well, now I
Speaker 1: do this with all relationships, and I essentially self sabotage.
Speaker 1: How can I heal through this? Well, you're gonna call
Speaker 1: a licensed therapist and you've got to work through your
Speaker 1: issues because there's something going on and you're unconscious here.
Speaker 1: I don't know what it is what I'm telling you,
Speaker 1: You know, the unconscious knows what it's going for I
Speaker 1: always say, if we have some kind of trauma, in
Speaker 1: our early childhood, in our adult romantic lies, we're going
Speaker 1: to go right back to the scene of the crime.
Speaker 1: We will unconsciously be like But they're so different. They're
Speaker 1: totally different. They have a different career than the last
Speaker 1: person I dated, they're a different age, they're a different race,
Speaker 1: they drive a different car. Uh uh. The romantic dynamic dynamics,
Speaker 1: the attachment style is all going to be the same.
Speaker 1: So if your conflict is that you are cheated on
Speaker 1: by their ex, a good therapist can help you go
Speaker 1: through your childhood with a fine tooth comb and be
Speaker 1: able to figure out where the root of that pain
Speaker 1: really began, and then help you, like consciously go I
Speaker 1: don't need to choose this this time. I've processed it,
Speaker 1: I've been through it. I don't really need to choose it.
Speaker 1: But it is a bit of a long road. But
Speaker 1: I promise you it's not that every guy out there
Speaker 1: who's an ex has an X he's going to get
Speaker 1: back with. It's that you find him, and you unconsciously
Speaker 1: need to find My fingers are making quotation marks when
Speaker 1: I say need to find them, because you're trying to
Speaker 1: resolve something from your childhood. So really talk to a
Speaker 1: licensed therapist. In your case, I might recommend somebody who's
Speaker 1: more psychoanalytical and cognitive behavioral. But that's because this sounds
Speaker 1: like it's an early life thing. To me, I don't know.
Speaker 1: Good luck to you. Oh my gosh, how time flies
Speaker 1: when you're having fun. Listen. Part of being in love
Speaker 1: is also losing love, whether it's divorce, a breakup, or
Speaker 1: whether you lose a long term spouse because they passed away.
Speaker 1: When we come back, I have a very special guest
Speaker 1: who's going to share her personal story of loss and
Speaker 1: also what we can all do to learn how to
Speaker 1: grieve in a more healthy way. You are listening to
Speaker 1: the Doctor Andy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty
Speaker 1: were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 7: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 7: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Andy Walls Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know,
Speaker 1: one of the things I teach is developmental psychology, and
Speaker 1: part of human development is growth and dealing with all
Speaker 1: the changes that happen with growth and even aging, and
Speaker 1: also maintenance maintaining our good mental health, maintaining our physical health,
Speaker 1: but also loss, because life is also about loss, and
Speaker 1: not knowing how to deal with loss. Not knowing how
Speaker 1: to grieve can obviously impact your mental health, but even
Speaker 1: your physical health. I would like to introduce a special
Speaker 1: guest today. I think you've been on the show before,
Speaker 1: Doctor Ava Cadell. Hi, Doctor Cadell, how are you. I'm good.
Speaker 3: Hi, doctor Wendy. Yes, I was in the studio many
Speaker 3: years ago.
Speaker 1: And I'm sure we were talking about sex, because you
Speaker 1: are the queen when it comes to sexology. Doctor Ava Cadell,
Speaker 1: if you don't remember, is a clinical sexologist and a
Speaker 1: sex certified sex counselor, and she is a founder of
Speaker 1: something called love Ology University, an online university for love coaching,
Speaker 1: as also a private practice. Deals with everything from the
Speaker 1: most common mismatched sex drives to power struggles, infidelity, orgasm barriers,
Speaker 1: fear of intimacy, sexual compulsion, sexual healing, et cetera. However,
Speaker 1: I always say, doctor Ava, people think I talk about
Speaker 1: sex a lot on this show, but I do not
Speaker 1: talk about sex. I talk about relationship dynamics, and if
Speaker 1: I ever talk about sex, it's only in the context
Speaker 1: of relationship dynamics and how things sort of come out sexually.
Speaker 3: Right, People seem to, you know, focus on the sex part.
Speaker 3: It's still taboo enough that it makes such a big
Speaker 3: impact on people that that's all they remember.
Speaker 2: It's funny.
Speaker 1: And I bet when they come to you as clients,
Speaker 1: they come with a sex issue and you're able to
Speaker 1: drill it down to the relationship issue that caused it.
Speaker 3: Well, yes, and actually it usually has nothing to do
Speaker 3: with sex. It's basically communication. It's a lack of you
Speaker 3: boundaries and just into it communication so that they speak
Speaker 3: the same language, you know, whether they're left brain or
Speaker 3: predominantly right brain. But sex is part of it, but
Speaker 3: it's not all of it, as you well know, right.
Speaker 1: I always say it's sort of the symptom often for
Speaker 1: something else. So so you know, people listen to me
Speaker 1: because I talk a lot about how to fall in love,
Speaker 1: how to have healthy love, how to have healthy communication.
Speaker 1: I don't talk enough about loss, but whether it's divorce,
Speaker 1: or whether it's a breakup with your boyfriend or girlfriend,
Speaker 1: or whether it's grieving the loss of a loved one
Speaker 1: who's passed. Doctor Ava Cadell, You've had some very experiential
Speaker 1: learning in this area. Do you want to tell us
Speaker 1: about it?
Speaker 7: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Absolutely, And strangely enough, I have evolved into becoming more
Speaker 3: of a heala than a sexologist because of my own experience.
Speaker 3: And that was that my beloved husband, who I was
Speaker 3: with for twenty seven years, he passed away, and nobody
Speaker 3: prepares you for that, and so it was so traumatic
Speaker 3: for me, even though I knew it was going to
Speaker 3: happen because he had cancer, that when he did pass
Speaker 3: away and when I watched him take his last breath,
Speaker 3: I could not get that vision out of my mind. Well,
Speaker 3: I never will, and my heart still has a whole
Speaker 3: where I love him so much. But I've managed to
Speaker 3: heal myself and so now I have this healing program
Speaker 3: where I love to help others to heal, you know, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually,
Speaker 3: and even sexually.
Speaker 1: And you know, we've actually had many guests, or not guests,
Speaker 1: but callers, listeners of our show call in with this issue,
Speaker 1: this sort of complicated grieving, especially after a very very
Speaker 1: long relationship. Help us understand how a committed, intimate romantic
Speaker 1: relationship becomes a part of your identity, not just your
Speaker 1: social identity, but your sense of self? Can you explain that?
Speaker 3: Well, First of all, intimacy has really nothing to do
Speaker 3: with sex. I've discovered that I thought it did for
Speaker 3: twenty years actually, But intimacy is much more important, much
Speaker 3: more lasting, and truly helps us with empowerment and enlightenment
Speaker 3: as human beings. And so after you lose somebody, you
Speaker 3: have to you have to grieve, and there's no right
Speaker 3: or wrong way for grieving. And so I explored every
Speaker 3: way that I could, using pet therapy and humor and
Speaker 3: water and music and crystals. And we're so individual, just
Speaker 3: like our fingerprints, that we need to help everybody listening
Speaker 3: to the show, because there's not one cookie cutter solution
Speaker 3: for all the people who are grieving today who've lost someone,
Speaker 3: As you said, not just by death, but a divorce
Speaker 3: can be even worse than death some people.
Speaker 1: Oh, especially if you're seeing them on social media, if
Speaker 1: you're still seeing friends who are giving you news of them.
Speaker 1: It's like having the ghost of your marriage around you
Speaker 1: at all times while you're trying to get over it.
Speaker 1: It can be particularly difficult. But our when I when
Speaker 1: I talked about our identity, I have you know, I
Speaker 1: just got married like six weeks ago.
Speaker 3: Alculation, thank you.
Speaker 1: So exciting, although we've been together for four years, but
Speaker 1: to have this experience where I'm now functioning to call
Speaker 1: it as half a brain, meaning that we've kind of
Speaker 1: united in you know, our division of emotional labor, our
Speaker 1: division of intellectual labor, obviously, our division of household labor
Speaker 1: has all taken this burden off me because I was
Speaker 1: doing everything. And I realize the benefits of being in
Speaker 1: a long term, intimate, committed relationship. But I think to myself,
Speaker 1: if anything ever happened to him, I would feel like
Speaker 1: half a me had died. Did you have that feeling
Speaker 1: when you lost your husband?
Speaker 3: So, yes, this is very interesting what you're saying. However,
Speaker 3: my husband and I had a very unique marriage in
Speaker 3: that he had his identity as a very powerful, successful attorney,
Speaker 3: and then I had my identity, you know, as a
Speaker 3: love sex doctor who traveled around the world lecturing, and
Speaker 3: then we had the identity of us together. And that
Speaker 3: was wonderful because he took such good care of me
Speaker 3: and I felt very nurtured, and I lost all of
Speaker 3: that when he died. So since then, it's been challenging
Speaker 3: for me because I have to do everything myself. I
Speaker 3: have to be, you know, completely independent, and I'm trying
Speaker 3: to like it.
Speaker 1: It's like, all of a sudden, you have this whole
Speaker 1: other job. I remember years ago a friend of mine
Speaker 1: lost her husband and she came to it. She was
Speaker 1: a work colleague and she came to work and she goes.
Speaker 1: I never knew that he watered the lawn. My lawn
Speaker 1: is dead now. I didn't even know, like when did
Speaker 1: he do that on a regular But there is like
Speaker 1: literal stuff. Hey, we have to go to a break,
Speaker 1: doctor Cadell. When we come back, let's really do some
Speaker 1: news you can use for people who may be dealing
Speaker 1: with loss. Things they should do, things they probably shouldn't
Speaker 1: do to help heal themselves. You are listening to Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh The Doctor Wendy Walls Show. My guest is
Speaker 1: doctor Ava Caddell. We are live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 7: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 7: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Hullo, Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
Speaker 1: KFI AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1: My guest doctor Ava Cadell is a world famous clinical sexologist,
Speaker 1: but she herself has been dealing with loss because of
Speaker 1: the loss of her husband after twenty seven years. How
Speaker 1: long has it been since he passed away to gidel.
Speaker 3: Well, this year is actually his tenth anniversary, and I
Speaker 3: finally got his book published, which is a promise I
Speaker 3: made to him before he passed away. I'm actually celebrating this.
Speaker 1: This is the first thing we should say that people
Speaker 1: can go to the KFI website KFI six forty dot
Speaker 1: com search doctor Wendy Walsh, and we're going to have
Speaker 1: information on his book, so you can. You mentioned he
Speaker 1: was a powerful attorney, so I'm sure it's filled with
Speaker 1: lots of juicy Hollywood secrets as well.
Speaker 3: It is. It's well, Blood and Justice on the sunset strip.
Speaker 1: Oh wonderful. So let's talk about in the early days
Speaker 1: of dealing with this loss, what were the things that
Speaker 1: you would not recommend that people do. Maybe things you tried.
Speaker 3: Well, I would not recommend dating right away.
Speaker 1: Why is this.
Speaker 3: Because you're trying to replace someone who's not replaceable, Because
Speaker 3: you're trying to numb the pain and that's not the
Speaker 3: way to heal, and you want to surround yourself with
Speaker 3: loving people, not complete strangers who just want to maybe
Speaker 3: have sex with you. It's really the worst thing you
Speaker 3: can possibly do. You know.
Speaker 1: Years ago, I went on a date from a dating
Speaker 1: app with a gentleman who had lost his wife. I
Speaker 1: think in the you know, maybe close to a year before,
Speaker 1: maybe ten months or something before. And for the entire
Speaker 1: two hours he talked about her. I was a good listener,
Speaker 1: it was a good stories. But at the end, I
Speaker 1: was like, he hasn't asked me one thing about me.
Speaker 1: You know, he was still in mourning and I was
Speaker 1: there as witness to his grieving. So I understand what
Speaker 1: you mean. It was way too early for him to
Speaker 1: be out there dating, that's for sure. Okay, what else
Speaker 1: should people not do?
Speaker 3: Don't get rid of all his or her clothes immediately
Speaker 3: and all their belongings. Don't give everything away or sell everything?
Speaker 1: Oh why is that?
Speaker 3: You will regret it. It's something that people do when
Speaker 3: they're still in shocks. They even get rid of their bed,
Speaker 3: they get rid of everything, their photos because they think
Speaker 3: they're on a time limit to stop breathing, and there
Speaker 3: is no time limit.
Speaker 1: It's so interesting, So go ahead, go ahead, tell your story.
Speaker 3: First, I had a client who his wife died and
Speaker 3: he left her clothes in the closet for two years.
Speaker 3: But there's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 1: And then he was ready, Yeah, and then he was ready,
Speaker 1: as a friend of mine said, when they lost their
Speaker 1: father and they kept his closet intach for quite a while.
Speaker 1: At a certain point they had to give rid to
Speaker 1: the shoes. They were stinking. But you know, it's funny
Speaker 1: you say this because when I was thirty, both my
Speaker 1: parents died in one year breast cancer, lung cancer, bad year,
Speaker 1: and my aunts showed up when I think when my
Speaker 1: mother died, yes, and literally went through her closet, packed
Speaker 1: up everything, sent stuff for the good Will, all in
Speaker 1: one weekend because they were coming from out of town
Speaker 1: and they had to get their flights. And I was
Speaker 1: paralyzed emotionally and physically. There is no way I could
Speaker 1: figure out to do all this. And by Monday morning,
Speaker 1: like the funeral was Saturday, by Monday morning, her whole
Speaker 1: life was packed up and gone. And I see what
Speaker 1: you mean, because I'll sometimes say, where did that little
Speaker 1: painting go that she did? Where is that little piece
Speaker 1: of jewelry? And gone? Just yes, yeah, okay, So what
Speaker 1: should people do if they're grieving. What's some good advice
Speaker 1: that works now?
Speaker 3: Number one is to practice self care because grief can
Speaker 3: cause appetite loss or overeating, sleeplessness, lack of energy, difficult concentrating,
Speaker 3: So you need to really strive to eat as well
Speaker 3: bounced diet and rest and exercise and talk to your
Speaker 3: doctor and talk to close friends and just be good
Speaker 3: to yourself. It's the most important thing. If there's only
Speaker 3: one thing you do, it's self care.
Speaker 1: I know you mentioned dating, Probably not a good idea.
Speaker 1: What about socialized and social support at that time?
Speaker 3: Interesting? Yes, and no, go out and socialize, but don't
Speaker 3: talk about your grieving because people will stop inviting you.
Speaker 3: I know that sounds so callous, but I've seen it many,
Speaker 3: many times. You can choose one person who you know
Speaker 3: and talk about it, or find someone else who also
Speaker 3: perhaps has lost someone, But to talk about it to
Speaker 3: everybody can actually be quite embarrassing, and it's just something
Speaker 3: that I don't recommend.
Speaker 1: And if somebody is an extrovert like me and externally processes,
Speaker 1: then this is a time to talk to a therapist, right.
Speaker 3: Oh, yes, a therapist. Close friends, you know, people who
Speaker 3: may be in your temple or your church. Yes, talk
Speaker 3: to people who listen, who want to listen, and welcome
Speaker 3: the support of others. In fact, surround yourself with people
Speaker 3: who do love and care for you, and please allow
Speaker 3: them to help you with everything. That's another thing that
Speaker 3: some people they punish themselves and they think, oh my gosh,
Speaker 3: I've got to take care of my legal matters, I've
Speaker 3: got to do these tasks, I've got to do that,
Speaker 3: and they become overwhelmed and sometimes they have panic attacks
Speaker 3: because they can't do everything on their own. So welcome
Speaker 3: the support and express your feelings and your gratitude to
Speaker 3: those people.
Speaker 1: And let's talk about timing. There used to be an
Speaker 1: old fashioned rule you were supposed to be in mourning
Speaker 1: for one year. Does that rule apply?
Speaker 3: I don't think any rules apply because we're all individuals.
Speaker 3: Absolutely not. All rules are made to be broken.
Speaker 1: But how do we know when it's too long, when
Speaker 1: we've been unable to let go and it goes into
Speaker 1: a full diagnosis of complicating grieving and clinical When do
Speaker 1: we know?
Speaker 3: Well, that's a good question because nobody really knows. But
Speaker 3: you can tell when you have recovered when you've taken
Speaker 3: control of your life instead of letting life control you.
Speaker 3: And recovery also means making a commitment to love yourself
Speaker 3: as much as you loved your beloved who has passed.
Speaker 3: So it's knowing when you have recovered and reinvented your
Speaker 3: life without the fear of being hurt or abandoned again.
Speaker 1: And then for some people may take a couple of years.
Speaker 3: Absolutely, and I know a lot of people never get
Speaker 3: married again, or they never have a long term relationship.
Speaker 3: They surround themselves with animals, or they do you know,
Speaker 3: I bought a spiritual retreat as part of my healing
Speaker 3: and my recover I bought this retreat from monks. It
Speaker 3: was always something I had manifested. So allow yourself to
Speaker 3: manifest what is going to make you feel. Let's say
Speaker 3: the word normal. It's not my favorite word, but recovery
Speaker 3: is knowing that you are normal and that you can
Speaker 3: handle anything that the universe throws at you. But you
Speaker 3: have to be ready. You have to be strong physically,
Speaker 3: and you have to be you know, you have to
Speaker 3: have yourself love and feel good emotionally, spiritually, psychologically.
Speaker 1: Doctor Ava Caddell, I love your advice. About especially social support.
Speaker 1: Get out there and talk to people, but not necessarily
Speaker 1: about your your grieving. It gives the brain a little break.
Speaker 1: Doctor Ava Cadell, Where can people find you if they
Speaker 1: want to find out more about your spiritual retreats and
Speaker 1: your books.
Speaker 3: Just avacadel dot com. A V A C A D E.
Speaker 1: Always always have you on the show. Thank you so
Speaker 1: much for being here and thank you for listening. You
Speaker 1: have been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on
Speaker 1: KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1: You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
Speaker 1: hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven
Speaker 1: to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app.