WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:02.560 This program is intended for mature audiences only. 2 00:00:18.280 --> 00:00:21.559 You are now listening to Observable Radio. 3 00:00:37.960 --> 00:00:40.840 Hi there, it's Cameron Siuey. We've got another story for 4 00:00:40.880 --> 00:00:42.840 you this month, as the year winds to a close, 5 00:00:43.359 --> 00:00:46.759 something like a Western turned inside out. We hope you're 6 00:00:46.759 --> 00:00:49.920 finding the time to spend your holidays exactly how you wish, 7 00:00:50.000 --> 00:00:51.640 and we hope to have some good news about our 8 00:00:51.719 --> 00:00:55.520 upcoming season very soon. In the meantime, swing by our 9 00:00:55.520 --> 00:00:58.520 Patreon for more behind the scenes information and upcoming news. 10 00:00:58.679 --> 00:01:05.280 We'd love to see you there. And now here's tonight's story. 11 00:01:11.000 --> 00:01:22.239 East. It's been a long time since I've seen the storm. 12 00:01:22.760 --> 00:01:27.599 It's always been there behind us, whispering through the shuddering ground, 13 00:01:28.439 --> 00:01:34.000 a background roar behind the wind. We'd been ahead for 14 00:01:34.079 --> 00:01:41.719 so long, moving faster than its clockwork crawl until the mountains. Then, 15 00:01:41.760 --> 00:01:45.000 as we ground ourselves upward against these slopes, we heard 16 00:01:45.079 --> 00:01:50.680 it rumbling closer, a rising quake in the earth. But 17 00:01:50.719 --> 00:01:53.400 it's been a while since I turned around and actually 18 00:01:53.640 --> 00:01:57.439 saw it. Sitting here on the side of the mountain 19 00:01:57.519 --> 00:02:01.280 in the fridgid morning, it fills my vision and stings 20 00:02:01.319 --> 00:02:07.079 my eyes with the monstrous unreality of it. It rises 21 00:02:07.519 --> 00:02:12.080 like an unbroken wall into the sky, obscured only by 22 00:02:12.080 --> 00:02:15.960 the limits of my sight, fading into the clear blue 23 00:02:16.000 --> 00:02:21.919 and stretching away north and south, curving away with the earth. 24 00:02:23.360 --> 00:02:28.360 The sunlight doesn't touch it. Nothing does. At the ground, 25 00:02:28.360 --> 00:02:31.439 where the churning wall of sickly blue lightning and black 26 00:02:31.560 --> 00:02:36.240 clouds grinds against the earth, I can see the unmaking, 27 00:02:37.639 --> 00:02:41.599 the lower peaks already shaking apart, burst, and a blate away. 28 00:02:41.680 --> 00:02:45.360 At the event horizon of the storm, the land dips 29 00:02:45.400 --> 00:02:48.599 before the onslaught, as if shying away from the kiss 30 00:02:48.680 --> 00:02:52.960 of the boiling wall. I can feel the violence beneath 31 00:02:53.000 --> 00:02:57.400 my feet as millions of tons of ancient mountain falls 32 00:02:57.439 --> 00:03:02.919 away into its infinite maw. It's going to be on 33 00:03:03.039 --> 00:03:06.240 me in a few hours. I wonder if I'll die 34 00:03:06.280 --> 00:03:09.360 when the peak caves away, crushed in a free fall 35 00:03:09.439 --> 00:03:13.960 of slate and stone, or whether I'll be alive when 36 00:03:14.000 --> 00:03:20.680 the storm touches me, shredded and atomized, erased and unmade. 37 00:03:22.240 --> 00:03:28.719 I wonder again what it might feel like. My joints 38 00:03:28.960 --> 00:03:31.960 wail as I stand up from the sharp rocks, and 39 00:03:32.120 --> 00:03:36.159 my left ankle cries in agony as the bruised bones. Click. 40 00:03:37.560 --> 00:03:39.879 I turn my back on the storm and look forward, 41 00:03:40.199 --> 00:03:43.400 the last mile of road curving up into the pass. 42 00:03:44.560 --> 00:03:49.039 I walk, moving east along the weathered pavement, feeling the 43 00:03:49.120 --> 00:03:54.719 rising vibrations of the storm in each step, trying not 44 00:03:54.840 --> 00:03:57.719 to dwell on the pain of my grinding ankle. I 45 00:03:58.120 --> 00:04:02.280 think about the State Fair, a sweltering summer a decade ago, 46 00:04:02.360 --> 00:04:06.680 and a machine with a footplate that vibrated for a corridor. 47 00:04:08.039 --> 00:04:13.599 I think about the wonderful, almost unpleasant intensity of the sensation. 48 00:04:14.840 --> 00:04:17.639 I hold on to this memory, working it in my 49 00:04:17.800 --> 00:04:21.199 mind like a lump of sugar until I have savored 50 00:04:21.240 --> 00:04:24.720 all I can from it. The wind is on my face, 51 00:04:26.199 --> 00:04:28.959 even the air seems to be rushing away toward the wall. 52 00:04:30.959 --> 00:04:34.399 I will be walking when it comes, still moving, just 53 00:04:35.279 --> 00:04:38.759 not quite fast enough in the end, but I can 54 00:04:38.959 --> 00:04:43.720 make it to the top. Not for the first time. 55 00:04:44.600 --> 00:04:47.000 It staggers me to think it's only been a month 56 00:04:47.040 --> 00:04:50.480 since the lights first went out. Nearly a month ago. 57 00:04:50.560 --> 00:04:55.480 I was riding a bus, a bus on a Wednesday night, 58 00:04:56.319 --> 00:05:01.199 back when such a thing mattered. Remember the feel of 59 00:05:01.240 --> 00:05:06.759 it as the end passed over us, quiet sigh rippling 60 00:05:06.839 --> 00:05:10.480 through the air, the engine stalled. The lights flickered out, 61 00:05:10.720 --> 00:05:15.319 but there was no panic. My fellow passengers remained quiet, 62 00:05:15.319 --> 00:05:18.680 and we waited for the inevitable restart of the engine 63 00:05:19.279 --> 00:05:24.319 that never came. I stared out the windows, and after 64 00:05:24.399 --> 00:05:27.720 too long a moment, it dawned on me that every 65 00:05:27.800 --> 00:05:33.199 light across the street was out as well. Then came 66 00:05:33.240 --> 00:05:38.680 the explosions, popping in the distance like far away fireworks. 67 00:05:39.839 --> 00:05:41.800 We pushed our way out of the back doors of 68 00:05:41.839 --> 00:05:46.639 the bus and poured out into a mercifully cool July evening. 69 00:05:48.079 --> 00:05:51.759 The stars were shining with an intensity that scared me 70 00:05:51.920 --> 00:05:57.399 more than the explosions. Bitter and cold, we all spent 71 00:05:57.439 --> 00:06:01.199 a moment intent on phones and handsets that didn't work 72 00:06:01.920 --> 00:06:06.120 wouldn't turn back on, before sliding them away to be 73 00:06:06.240 --> 00:06:14.439 forgotten forever. Something streaked overhead towards the west, silent, leaving 74 00:06:14.480 --> 00:06:18.120 a smoking trail thrown into sharp relief by its brilliance. 75 00:06:18.439 --> 00:06:23.199 The blazing meteor passed over us and disappeared beyond the horizon. 76 00:06:24.480 --> 00:06:29.399 A few moments later, a tinny rumble rolled back across 77 00:06:29.439 --> 00:06:33.279 the valley. The bus driver stopped trying to restart the 78 00:06:33.279 --> 00:06:37.079 engine and joined the knot of riders. We gathered close, 79 00:06:37.240 --> 00:06:41.079 struck mute by the strange way that the world had changed. 80 00:06:42.399 --> 00:06:46.759 Shooting stars streaked above a meteor shower come too early 81 00:06:46.800 --> 00:06:53.160 in the year. For ten minutes, we stood silent, when 82 00:06:53.199 --> 00:06:55.639 the only sound left was our nervous breath and the 83 00:06:55.680 --> 00:07:00.519 baying of dogs. Someone made a joke I don't now recall, 84 00:07:00.639 --> 00:07:05.959 but we laughed like children passing a graveyard. Nervous and harsh. 85 00:07:07.199 --> 00:07:10.519 We walked home, strangers sharing names we hadn't bothered to 86 00:07:10.639 --> 00:07:14.240 on the bus, names I could not remember. The next day, 87 00:07:15.720 --> 00:07:19.120 I turned away towards my apartment and I never saw 88 00:07:19.160 --> 00:07:24.519 any of them again. I imagine in suburbs across the 89 00:07:24.560 --> 00:07:29.199 small town, neighbors were standing on their porches and front lawns, 90 00:07:29.240 --> 00:07:34.519 and robes and slippers, dead flashlights in hand, trading theories 91 00:07:34.560 --> 00:07:38.680 and comforting each other. But the apartment complex I'd landed 92 00:07:38.720 --> 00:07:41.519 in when I'd moved out of Gale's house was quiet 93 00:07:42.040 --> 00:07:45.759 and dark. Not even the emergency lights were on, and 94 00:07:45.800 --> 00:07:48.959 I took my time fumbling through the dark halls and 95 00:07:49.000 --> 00:07:53.839 into the cave of my studio. They desperately wanted to 96 00:07:53.879 --> 00:07:57.480 talk to someone, to share information and try to make 97 00:07:57.519 --> 00:08:02.079 sense of what happened. The completely loss of electronics pointed 98 00:08:02.120 --> 00:08:06.519 to a nuclear detonation, but the explosion seemed so distant 99 00:08:06.920 --> 00:08:11.079 and too small to be the boogeyman of my parents' generation. 100 00:08:13.000 --> 00:08:15.240 In the light of the day, it was stranger. Still. 101 00:08:16.480 --> 00:08:19.600 There was an almost pleasant shift in the community as 102 00:08:19.720 --> 00:08:23.959 Walker's faried information from neighborhood to neighborhood. Certainly, much of 103 00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:28.279 it distorted, but much of it unmistakably true. Batteries didn't 104 00:08:28.319 --> 00:08:34.919 have a charge anywhere, pacemakers had stopped dragging down their owners. 105 00:08:34.960 --> 00:08:40.519 Everything with an electric current had failed. Fire had trouble starting. 106 00:08:40.840 --> 00:08:45.399 It wasn't colder, but nothing wanted to burn. Lighters worked 107 00:08:45.440 --> 00:08:50.320 only rarely, and their flames were weak and anemic. We 108 00:08:50.399 --> 00:08:53.759 made great bonfires to test this strange new truth, and 109 00:08:54.039 --> 00:08:58.039 with some effort they lit, flickering low and blue but 110 00:08:58.360 --> 00:09:03.879 fundamentally wrong. On the second day, from a man on 111 00:09:03.919 --> 00:09:07.679 a bicycle, we got the explanation for the first night's explosions. 112 00:09:09.320 --> 00:09:14.879 Airplanes gliding downward, dead and dark had impacted across the 113 00:09:14.960 --> 00:09:19.600 valley and beyond. The falling stars had been satellites, he said, 114 00:09:20.399 --> 00:09:24.399 a whole network simply dropping from the sky. It was 115 00:09:24.480 --> 00:09:28.559 like some essential measure of energy had been withdrawn from 116 00:09:28.559 --> 00:09:33.000 the world. Some internal engine of the universe was winding down. 117 00:09:34.080 --> 00:09:37.919 It scared me far more than nukes. None of us 118 00:09:37.960 --> 00:09:40.840 knew what to do. We ate the food we had 119 00:09:40.879 --> 00:09:44.879 before it spoiled, and stores were empty. By the second day, 120 00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:50.919 everything sold for cash only in some last defiant show 121 00:09:50.960 --> 00:09:56.279 of togetherness, prices stayed flat in almost all the stores, 122 00:09:56.440 --> 00:10:00.840 and I traded what little currency I had several crates 123 00:10:00.840 --> 00:10:07.480 of bottled water. We planned on waiting it out. We 124 00:10:08.399 --> 00:10:13.440 didn't understand that this was not an interruption, but a terminus. 125 00:10:15.480 --> 00:10:17.879 There were rumors at first. By the end of the 126 00:10:17.919 --> 00:10:21.799 first week, ragged and tired people drifting through town in 127 00:10:21.799 --> 00:10:26.200 search of water and food, and bearing wide eyed apocalyptic warnings. 128 00:10:27.120 --> 00:10:31.559 They told of mass exodus, a mad flood of people 129 00:10:31.679 --> 00:10:37.960 streaming away from the western coastline. Conflicted, terrifying stories told 130 00:10:38.000 --> 00:10:43.720 in whispers spoke of a storm. None of the refugees 131 00:10:43.759 --> 00:10:46.960 had seen it firsthand, but what they had learned had 132 00:10:47.000 --> 00:10:55.360 scared them bad enough to start heading inland. In those 133 00:10:55.440 --> 00:10:59.159 first days of flight, the human tide followed the major 134 00:10:59.279 --> 00:11:02.639 highways in our small town received only the odd stragglers. 135 00:11:02.759 --> 00:11:06.480 Those fleeing not only the fabled storm, but the rivers 136 00:11:06.480 --> 00:11:11.240 of atrocity that the refugee march had become. We had 137 00:11:11.240 --> 00:11:13.720 no way of knowing if it was just amplification of 138 00:11:13.840 --> 00:11:17.440 nightmare rumors, or if the interstates heading east really had 139 00:11:17.519 --> 00:11:22.320 become a vast trampling ground where urban populations surged inland 140 00:11:22.399 --> 00:11:26.480 without plan or recourse, shredding and churning against one another. 141 00:11:26.679 --> 00:11:31.639 Fleeing the storm, people started to disappear in the next 142 00:11:31.679 --> 00:11:35.519 few days, spooked enough by the mad tales to start 143 00:11:35.559 --> 00:11:39.360 their own exodus and to avoid the main highways. My 144 00:11:39.480 --> 00:11:44.600 own feet felt light, but I waited, held off until 145 00:11:45.960 --> 00:11:50.080 the last wave. They were wild and glassy eyed. The 146 00:11:50.159 --> 00:11:53.039 last refugees, the ones who had waited like me in 147 00:11:53.080 --> 00:11:56.960 small towns further west. They had seen the surging sea 148 00:11:57.080 --> 00:12:01.200 of refugees, seen the corpse trails they left, had heard 149 00:12:01.360 --> 00:12:04.519 of the storm that had made landfall at last. But 150 00:12:04.600 --> 00:12:08.080 they had waited, holding out hope that this was only 151 00:12:08.120 --> 00:12:12.360 a temporary insanity. But then they saw the storm with 152 00:12:12.440 --> 00:12:14.399 their own eyes, and it was a testament to the 153 00:12:14.440 --> 00:12:18.320 madness of it all that the eyewitness stories were more 154 00:12:18.440 --> 00:12:23.639 fevered and impossible than the second hand rumors that preceded them. 155 00:12:23.919 --> 00:12:25.840 I was packed ready to go, and the last of 156 00:12:25.879 --> 00:12:27.960 my water, tucked in with a camp stove and a 157 00:12:28.000 --> 00:12:30.519 sleeping bag and a backpack when the last wave came, 158 00:12:30.559 --> 00:12:35.440 but I didn't leave yet. I waited one more day 159 00:12:36.200 --> 00:12:41.039 until I saw it for myself. I came up over 160 00:12:41.080 --> 00:12:43.600 the western horizon with the dawn as if rising to 161 00:12:43.720 --> 00:12:48.200 challenge the sun in the east, swallowing all light. Over 162 00:12:48.240 --> 00:12:51.879 the course of three hours, I watched it unmake the foothills, 163 00:12:52.720 --> 00:12:57.320 swallowing earth, forest, and river. The world rose up and away, 164 00:12:57.440 --> 00:13:01.320 seeking oblivion, like a lover, vanishing forever into the churning 165 00:13:01.360 --> 00:13:05.360 wall of impossible madness, leaving only bursts of blue lightning 166 00:13:05.519 --> 00:13:14.240 arcing between the black clouds. Lightning, clouds, storm. These are 167 00:13:15.320 --> 00:13:19.360 imperfect metaphors. The storm of the Unmaking isn't a storm. 168 00:13:19.480 --> 00:13:22.480 It isn't made up of the things storms are made 169 00:13:22.559 --> 00:13:27.840 up of. There are no clouds, no lightning, only seething 170 00:13:27.960 --> 00:13:32.240 darkness and jagged energy. I'm not even sure now, as 171 00:13:32.279 --> 00:13:34.799 it polishes the earth away behind me, if I can 172 00:13:34.840 --> 00:13:38.519 even see it. Maybe our brains fill in the ghosts 173 00:13:38.559 --> 00:13:42.240 of recognizable structures. Maybe it only looks like the nothing 174 00:13:42.720 --> 00:13:46.600 that it is, and our eyes simply cannot accept this. 175 00:13:52.320 --> 00:13:56.600 Tucker used to say to his followers, when the lines 176 00:13:56.679 --> 00:13:59.840 began to be drawn, that it was the mouth of 177 00:14:00.120 --> 00:14:03.879 God that someday we could accept it, and we would 178 00:14:03.960 --> 00:14:07.279 see through the black veil of the storm and see 179 00:14:07.320 --> 00:14:12.440 the divine feast for what it really was. When there 180 00:14:12.519 --> 00:14:15.200 was only the open valley between me and the storm, 181 00:14:15.840 --> 00:14:19.799 I fled my home heels, pounding country roads until I 182 00:14:19.879 --> 00:14:23.159 reached the refugees of the last wave somewhere in the 183 00:14:23.200 --> 00:14:26.440 central valley. And it was with that small band of 184 00:14:26.519 --> 00:14:30.480 stubborn fools, the ones who had waited until they two 185 00:14:30.879 --> 00:14:34.279 had seen the storm, that I traveled for the last 186 00:14:34.279 --> 00:14:41.240 three weeks. Tucker was there quiet at first, shaken by 187 00:14:41.279 --> 00:14:44.840 the loss of someone he loved in the Charnel highways. 188 00:14:45.399 --> 00:14:48.279 But then there were no leaders, and all of us 189 00:14:48.399 --> 00:14:53.759 were scared. We shared supplies, gathering canned goods at country 190 00:14:53.759 --> 00:14:58.559 gas stations and parceling them out. We outpaced the storm 191 00:14:58.559 --> 00:15:03.320 in the day, spent short quiet nights laughing around a 192 00:15:03.360 --> 00:15:08.320 pitiful campfire, awakening always with the storm on the horizon. 193 00:15:09.799 --> 00:15:12.879 Each day we pulled ahead of it, following the entrails 194 00:15:12.919 --> 00:15:17.039 of the refugees ahead of us, turning always away from 195 00:15:17.080 --> 00:15:21.759 the spoor of abandoned belongings and the fly choked corpses. 196 00:15:23.159 --> 00:15:27.200 This way we found the untapped stores and cashes, the 197 00:15:27.240 --> 00:15:33.480 things people left behind. We were frightfully inefficient in those 198 00:15:33.600 --> 00:15:37.320 first days, but we did more than just survive, and 199 00:15:37.320 --> 00:15:41.879 it gave us hope. Then we washed into the foothills, 200 00:15:41.919 --> 00:15:44.759 and we slowed. We had built up a lead on 201 00:15:44.840 --> 00:15:47.720 the storm, had a few warnings where we hadn't seen 202 00:15:47.759 --> 00:15:50.600 it on the horizon, only felt the low base notes 203 00:15:50.679 --> 00:15:54.279 of its presence. That little hope and good cheer we'd 204 00:15:54.279 --> 00:15:59.120 built up in our advance evaporated. Two nights into the 205 00:15:59.120 --> 00:16:02.720 steady uphill climb, a dented can of soup made three 206 00:16:02.759 --> 00:16:06.559 of our number ill. We lingered for too long in 207 00:16:06.600 --> 00:16:09.159 the morning, as they emptied their guts, and the storm 208 00:16:09.320 --> 00:16:12.480 crested the edge of the world. A quiet sort of 209 00:16:12.559 --> 00:16:15.559 panic gripped us all, and we took to the county 210 00:16:15.600 --> 00:16:19.039 back roads again, driven by the fresh reminder of the 211 00:16:19.120 --> 00:16:24.159 encroaching end. Tucker took the shepherd's mantle and drove us on, 212 00:16:24.399 --> 00:16:27.759 moving faster than before, and when the three sickened members 213 00:16:27.759 --> 00:16:32.039 of our troop lagged behind. Tucker called to them that 214 00:16:32.399 --> 00:16:35.759 we would go ahead, they should take their time, and 215 00:16:35.840 --> 00:16:37.960 we would make camp for them up ahead and wait 216 00:16:38.039 --> 00:16:43.000 before leaving. No one believed the lie, but we all 217 00:16:43.039 --> 00:16:47.799 played our part, even the dead men, with patient nods 218 00:16:47.840 --> 00:16:52.399 and glassy eyes. They never arrived that night, and we 219 00:16:52.480 --> 00:17:00.279 left even earlier than before. Tucker kept us moving, and 220 00:17:00.320 --> 00:17:04.079 the group turned their shipwrecked faces toward him. We all 221 00:17:04.119 --> 00:17:07.279 wanted to leave the sick men behind, but Tucker had 222 00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:11.960 done it. In this passive act of consensual murder. We 223 00:17:12.200 --> 00:17:15.839 turned our fate over to him willingly. By the end 224 00:17:15.920 --> 00:17:17.880 of another week, as we reached the base of the 225 00:17:17.960 --> 00:17:22.000 jagged mountains, Tucker began to carry less and less and 226 00:17:22.240 --> 00:17:28.599 ate more and more. The mountains broke us, Our speed halved, 227 00:17:29.400 --> 00:17:32.480 The roads wound away from our direction, away from the 228 00:17:32.559 --> 00:17:35.000 rising sun, and no one had a map or remembered 229 00:17:35.039 --> 00:17:38.960 which passed through the mountains was the most direct. We 230 00:17:38.960 --> 00:17:41.559 were forced into the footsteps of the first great waves 231 00:17:41.599 --> 00:17:45.319 of refugees, and now the roadsides were choked with the 232 00:17:45.359 --> 00:17:51.440 sick and the dead. Rows and rows of naked, blackened feet, 233 00:17:51.759 --> 00:17:54.519 picked clean of socks and shoes stuck out from the 234 00:17:54.599 --> 00:17:59.440 roadside grass I scavenged there, pulling a pair of boots 235 00:17:59.440 --> 00:18:02.000 from the feet of a prone man about my height, 236 00:18:02.160 --> 00:18:07.240 trying first to ignore his feeble dying groans, then whispering 237 00:18:07.240 --> 00:18:11.799 my apologies to him as he rasped for breath. It 238 00:18:11.880 --> 00:18:14.599 was impossible to tell how many of the original refugees 239 00:18:14.640 --> 00:18:17.240 had made it this far or had gone on up 240 00:18:17.279 --> 00:18:19.680 the mountains, but there was no food to be had 241 00:18:19.759 --> 00:18:24.359 in their trail, little water to be plundered. Tucker drove 242 00:18:24.440 --> 00:18:28.240 us on, and soon he began to preach simple, little 243 00:18:28.279 --> 00:18:31.920 sermons of necessity and absolution for what we'd done and 244 00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:35.359 would do. And it drove the jagged wedge at last 245 00:18:35.440 --> 00:18:39.119 between the group. From a loose band of strangers with 246 00:18:39.160 --> 00:18:43.880 a common goal, we became Tucker's people and the others, 247 00:18:44.759 --> 00:18:49.279 and that divide grew cold and icy. I suppose the 248 00:18:49.359 --> 00:18:51.599 line was the same as the night we left the 249 00:18:51.640 --> 00:18:55.079 three sick men behind. There were those that couldn't sleep 250 00:18:55.119 --> 00:18:58.559 that night and those that could. It would be easy 251 00:18:59.400 --> 00:19:03.000 and a fill lie to draw a moral line in 252 00:19:03.079 --> 00:19:07.920 that split. We were all good men once we all 253 00:19:08.000 --> 00:19:13.200 left them behind. No one objected the divide between Tucker's 254 00:19:13.240 --> 00:19:15.799 people and the rest of us was a matter of 255 00:19:15.880 --> 00:19:19.559 who still had energy to feel guilt and who had 256 00:19:19.799 --> 00:19:23.000 just enough to follow what they saw as their best 257 00:19:23.039 --> 00:19:26.720 and only hope. It was Tucker who was in charge 258 00:19:26.759 --> 00:19:31.000 of the supplies of the nightly division of food. Before 259 00:19:31.039 --> 00:19:35.319 I realized what had happened, it was too late. Tucker's 260 00:19:35.359 --> 00:19:38.920 people held stubbornly to their health, and the rest of 261 00:19:39.000 --> 00:19:43.200 us began to wane, a little less water, a few 262 00:19:43.279 --> 00:19:47.240 less crucial calories, as the cold and the altitude made 263 00:19:47.279 --> 00:19:51.319 the journey harder. Tucker tightened his control on our bodies, 264 00:19:51.359 --> 00:19:56.240 and we withered. We were all so profoundly tired that 265 00:19:56.319 --> 00:20:00.000 we couldn't even communicate our nascent paranoia to one another 266 00:20:00.079 --> 00:20:04.240 other until we began to drop away, falling behind well, 267 00:20:04.480 --> 00:20:08.160 no one had the strength to look back one by one, 268 00:20:08.319 --> 00:20:11.640 until near the top of the pass there was only 269 00:20:11.680 --> 00:20:17.519 Tucker's folk and I. They had already started sleeping apart 270 00:20:17.559 --> 00:20:21.680 from us, striking camp earlier and quieter. Two nights ago, 271 00:20:21.759 --> 00:20:24.200 I awoke to find them one hundred meters down the road, 272 00:20:24.279 --> 00:20:27.119 none of them looking back. I caught up with them 273 00:20:27.200 --> 00:20:30.200 and no words were exchanged. But Tucker caught my eye 274 00:20:30.200 --> 00:20:37.359 from the front, his body unladen free and frighteningly healthy. 275 00:20:38.680 --> 00:20:41.920 Last night, near the top of the pass, I couldn't sleep, 276 00:20:42.079 --> 00:20:44.559 as the chill terror of what I had allowed to 277 00:20:44.640 --> 00:20:47.880 happen coursed through me, twirling with the bitter cold of 278 00:20:48.000 --> 00:20:51.960 the mountain night. Tucker was awake as well, and somewhere 279 00:20:52.000 --> 00:20:54.319 in the dark he walked over to where I sat, 280 00:20:54.759 --> 00:20:57.759 my ragged camping mattress, pressed to a rock in a 281 00:20:57.799 --> 00:21:03.279 crude chair. He said beside me, his cold eyes reflecting 282 00:21:03.440 --> 00:21:07.279 colder starlight, and we said nothing. We hadn't spoken in 283 00:21:07.359 --> 00:21:09.880 nearly a week, and in truth, I think only Tucker 284 00:21:09.920 --> 00:21:13.640 had spoken for the last few days. Above us, the 285 00:21:13.720 --> 00:21:17.920 night was silent, a sky devoid of planes, unblemished by 286 00:21:17.920 --> 00:21:21.480 the lights of man in the distance. The storm must 287 00:21:21.480 --> 00:21:24.200 have been visible, but I'd stopped trying to see it. 288 00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:29.519 After what felt like an hour, Tucker sighed and stood 289 00:21:30.319 --> 00:21:34.200 staring down at me, a black silhouette against a cobalt sky. 290 00:21:35.519 --> 00:21:37.920 I think he may have smiled, it was hard to tell. 291 00:21:39.000 --> 00:21:41.640 He raised his foot and brought the heel down hard 292 00:21:41.680 --> 00:21:45.920 on my ankle, once and then again. Before I had 293 00:21:45.920 --> 00:21:51.480 the chance to scream. My cries woke no one, and 294 00:21:51.799 --> 00:21:54.480 Tucker walked back to his place in the warm center 295 00:21:54.559 --> 00:21:58.359 of the sleeping people. I wanted to stand to bash 296 00:21:58.400 --> 00:22:01.000 his skull in, But as the sharps splinters of pain 297 00:22:01.079 --> 00:22:04.759 became a low, throbbing ache, I found no strength to stand, 298 00:22:05.000 --> 00:22:10.119 no will or capacity for murder, only the surrender of sleep. 299 00:22:16.839 --> 00:22:20.000 When I awoke this morning, they were gone far over 300 00:22:20.039 --> 00:22:24.279 the pass by my feet. Someone had left one bottle 301 00:22:24.319 --> 00:22:28.720 of water and one tin of meat, nothing to live 302 00:22:28.799 --> 00:22:32.400 off of. But this token gesture of mute apology was 303 00:22:32.440 --> 00:22:34.880 all that allowed me to stand, all that got me 304 00:22:34.960 --> 00:22:39.240 to face the storm with any sort of dignity. And 305 00:22:39.319 --> 00:22:42.640 now I walk towards the top of the pass to 306 00:22:42.720 --> 00:22:46.400 look down over the other side before I die. In 307 00:22:46.519 --> 00:22:49.160 one hand is the water, and the other the tin 308 00:22:49.240 --> 00:22:54.160 of meat my backpack left somewhere below. I carry them 309 00:22:54.200 --> 00:22:58.160 like little talismans, one last reminder that we're not all tucker, 310 00:22:59.400 --> 00:23:04.279 that we are all ourselves, even if none of that matters. 311 00:23:06.519 --> 00:23:08.680 I reach the top of the pass and start looking 312 00:23:08.680 --> 00:23:12.200 for a good place to die. I find something else, 313 00:23:12.680 --> 00:23:16.519 something that proves better than death. A trail of blood 314 00:23:16.559 --> 00:23:20.079 droplets on the pavement leading to or from an alpine 315 00:23:20.160 --> 00:23:24.000 field of boulders on either side of the blood droplets, 316 00:23:24.480 --> 00:23:29.039 I see faint tire tracks in the stony gravel. The 317 00:23:29.079 --> 00:23:32.799 trail leads to a tableau of bodies and blood spattered 318 00:23:32.880 --> 00:23:37.079 under the clear sky. It's not what happened here that 319 00:23:37.200 --> 00:23:40.640 fills me with black joy, but what was left behind 320 00:23:41.799 --> 00:23:44.960 in the morning sunlight is an honest to God truck 321 00:23:45.559 --> 00:23:49.759 and old yellow dots and more rust than metal. Three 322 00:23:49.759 --> 00:23:54.039 of the tires are flattened, mere shreds of graying rubber around, 323 00:23:54.119 --> 00:23:57.759 bent and pitted rims at the front, lashed of the bumper, 324 00:23:58.559 --> 00:24:00.759 or the remains of a harness where a team of 325 00:24:00.799 --> 00:24:04.960 horses were once hitched. Three of the horses are a 326 00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:08.599 few yards away, dragged from the truck to be butchered. 327 00:24:09.160 --> 00:24:12.119 Their carcasses are stripped clean, first by men and then 328 00:24:12.200 --> 00:24:15.640 by the vultures that dot the sky above every road. 329 00:24:16.880 --> 00:24:19.319 In the back of the truck are what remains of 330 00:24:19.359 --> 00:24:23.160 a cache of water and food. All that remains are 331 00:24:23.200 --> 00:24:27.519 a few torn and cracked plastic bladders, whatever invaluable liquid 332 00:24:27.599 --> 00:24:31.000 they once held, long ago abandoned to the arid sky. 333 00:24:32.240 --> 00:24:35.200 The truck bears many small wounds, as well, evidence of 334 00:24:35.240 --> 00:24:38.119 the gunfight that killed the two men at my feet. 335 00:24:39.160 --> 00:24:43.279 In between the vulture's furrows. Their death wounds read like scripture, 336 00:24:43.400 --> 00:24:48.079 declaring the changed nature of our dying world, robbed of 337 00:24:48.119 --> 00:24:51.839 the full power of the focused force of combustion. Bullets 338 00:24:51.880 --> 00:24:56.960 still are deadly, but instead of piercing, these shots pushed great, 339 00:24:57.039 --> 00:25:01.559 shallow craters into their flesh. These men took many shots 340 00:25:01.599 --> 00:25:05.720 before they succumbed to their wounds. In the cab of 341 00:25:05.759 --> 00:25:09.960 the truck lies the last corpse, his chest flattened and shredded, 342 00:25:10.400 --> 00:25:14.200 his eyes staring and milky. His skin is not quite 343 00:25:14.200 --> 00:25:16.920 as blackened as the others, and he bears only the 344 00:25:16.960 --> 00:25:20.599 one wound in his hand. He still clutches a revolver 345 00:25:20.759 --> 00:25:25.279 as if still warding off attackers in death. Dried black 346 00:25:25.400 --> 00:25:29.880 blood as sticky as oil pools in the seat. I 347 00:25:29.960 --> 00:25:32.839 take the gun from the driver, check to find two 348 00:25:32.839 --> 00:25:37.359 bullets remaining, and seeing them two chances of taking back 349 00:25:37.440 --> 00:25:41.759 my destiny from the storm. For a long minute, I 350 00:25:41.799 --> 00:25:45.319 am drunk on the idea of spitting into the unmaking 351 00:25:45.359 --> 00:25:49.240 as I send one slow bullet hammering into the thinnest 352 00:25:49.279 --> 00:25:53.079 part of my skull. I live this moment over and 353 00:25:53.160 --> 00:25:56.799 over again, even as I feel the ground shudder with 354 00:25:56.880 --> 00:26:02.759 the storm's approach. That's when I hear the frightened exhale 355 00:26:02.880 --> 00:26:07.519 and dry breath of the fourth horse. He's moved out 356 00:26:07.519 --> 00:26:10.519 from behind wherever he was hidden, and he stands fifty 357 00:26:10.599 --> 00:26:14.240 yards away across the road, shredded ropes dangling from his 358 00:26:14.319 --> 00:26:18.480 twisted harness and bridle. He flicks his head towards me 359 00:26:19.119 --> 00:26:21.480 and then to the oncoming wall of the storm, and 360 00:26:21.599 --> 00:26:25.640 stamps his feet with fear and frustration, eyes rolling back 361 00:26:25.680 --> 00:26:29.720 and showing white. I ignore the screaming in my ankle, 362 00:26:29.799 --> 00:26:32.440 don't even hear it. After a dozen paces, as I 363 00:26:32.559 --> 00:26:37.200 lope and vault towards the speckled gray beast, my sudden 364 00:26:37.279 --> 00:26:40.079 lurching approach seems to baffle him as much as the 365 00:26:40.160 --> 00:26:43.400 absurd horror approaching in the sky, and he manages to 366 00:26:43.440 --> 00:26:46.960 take a few panicked steps back, whinnying in terror. Before 367 00:26:47.000 --> 00:26:51.440 I reach him. I grab at the rope miss and 368 00:26:51.519 --> 00:26:54.759 then lunge forward again. He tries to rear up and away, 369 00:26:54.839 --> 00:26:57.720 but my fingers close on the frayed nylon cord and 370 00:26:57.799 --> 00:27:01.759 I close tight with a death grip. I can feel 371 00:27:01.799 --> 00:27:04.680 the layers of flesh on my palm. Abraiding away as 372 00:27:04.680 --> 00:27:08.880 the horse screams uncomfortably like a woman's voice, and whips 373 00:27:08.920 --> 00:27:12.240 its head from side to side. I hold fast and 374 00:27:12.359 --> 00:27:16.319 scream right back, my eyes just as wild. I roar 375 00:27:16.359 --> 00:27:18.799 at the beast, and he shrieks back, and I feel 376 00:27:18.880 --> 00:27:21.680 naked and alive in a way I can't ever recall. 377 00:27:23.839 --> 00:27:27.960 Close Now, I hear a shuddering crack as the bones 378 00:27:28.000 --> 00:27:30.680 of the world fall away into the mouth of the storm, 379 00:27:30.720 --> 00:27:33.200 and I hold fast at my only chance to live. 380 00:27:34.200 --> 00:27:39.200 The horse is wasted, his ribs showing through tattered, piebald hide, 381 00:27:39.240 --> 00:27:42.880 But he was once a massive beast. I curse and 382 00:27:43.000 --> 00:27:46.279 scream at him, and his struggling stops as he surrenders. 383 00:27:47.400 --> 00:27:51.000 Mounting the animal proves the hardest task of all. Even 384 00:27:51.039 --> 00:27:53.279 as he submits to my will, it takes a great 385 00:27:53.319 --> 00:27:56.279 and painful effort to lunge and throw my body up 386 00:27:56.319 --> 00:27:59.920 and over his unsaddled back. I manage to drape my 387 00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:04.000 myself across his spine, the protruding vertebrae pressing into my 388 00:28:04.079 --> 00:28:08.160 empty stomach, with some effort, thanks only to the beast's 389 00:28:08.200 --> 00:28:12.839 state of exhaustion, fear, and malnourishment. I throw my wounded 390 00:28:12.920 --> 00:28:15.559 leg up and over, and I rise into a hunched 391 00:28:15.720 --> 00:28:20.079 seated position, my bleeding hand still pulling tight on the bridle. 392 00:28:23.079 --> 00:28:26.400 Less than a mile away is God's maw, the slow 393 00:28:26.640 --> 00:28:31.119 chewing event horizon of the unmaking that shreds ancient mountains 394 00:28:31.200 --> 00:28:36.160 like transient summer weeds. I dig my heels into protruding 395 00:28:36.279 --> 00:28:39.480 ribs and turn away to buy myself just a little 396 00:28:39.480 --> 00:28:44.960 more time. The horse needs little encouragement. We descend the 397 00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:48.359 downhill side of the pass, away from the storm. I 398 00:28:48.400 --> 00:28:51.920 stroke the tattered mane beneath my fingers, and I'm unsurprised 399 00:28:51.920 --> 00:28:56.519 to find myself crying as I whisper my thanks. Soon 400 00:28:56.599 --> 00:29:00.200 we're moving at a steady trot, putting the peak behind us, 401 00:28:59.680 --> 00:29:03.960