Speaker 1: This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
Speaker 1: I AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
Speaker 1: demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You
Speaker 1: have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Dr
Speaker 1: Wendy Wall Show. Now, I'd like to welcome my Instagram followers.
Speaker 1: How wonderful that you're here on a Sunday night with me.
Speaker 1: I'm seeing and I'm asking you guys to put in
Speaker 1: a little post of where you're watching from. Hello, Sally
Speaker 1: and Escondido. Good to see you, some locals and then
Speaker 1: people from literally around the world, which is so cool
Speaker 1: about social media. It's one of the things I like.
Speaker 1: So if you'd like to give me a call, this
Speaker 1: is the time where I will be answering your relationship questions.
Speaker 1: The number is one eight hundred five two zero one
Speaker 1: five three four Okay, Producer Kayla, who do we have? First?
Speaker 2: We have Ian with a question.
Speaker 1: Ian. Hello, Ian, It's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 3: Hi, Doctor Wendy, thanks for taking my call.
Speaker 4: I'm an accountant here and I just moved to southern
Speaker 4: California and then oh shoot, I got a client here.
Speaker 5: Let me call you back, I have this question.
Speaker 2: After wall Yeah.
Speaker 1: Wait, I just for those who didn't hear that on Instagram,
Speaker 1: he said, I'm an accountant here. I just moved to
Speaker 1: southern California. Oh no, I have a client on the
Speaker 1: other line. I gotta go, I go.
Speaker 6: Okay, So he was saying he's twenty three years old,
Speaker 6: he's not to California, and he says all of his
Speaker 6: friends are single and they have no desire to get married,
Speaker 6: and he wants to know if that's a Southern California thing.
Speaker 6: Oh why all of his friends that he's meeting out
Speaker 6: here are just not interested in relationships or marriage.
Speaker 1: I can tell you what the research says. So this
Speaker 1: is a twenty three year old who just moved to
Speaker 1: LA and finds that none of his friends are interested
Speaker 1: at all in getting married. So what we know is
Speaker 1: that in rural areas people are much more likely culturally
Speaker 1: to marry earlier or have children earlier. But when you're
Speaker 1: in an urban center or the higher your education, the
Speaker 1: more people delay marriage. Now, what I'm concerned about is
Speaker 1: the way that Ian is probably concerned about too. The
Speaker 1: way you train for monogamy isn't through becoming a player right.
Speaker 1: Don't train through being really promiscuous. You train by being monogamous. Right.
Speaker 1: So that's the thing is that you've got to start
Speaker 1: off at least having a solid relationship and have a
Speaker 1: practice marriage if you will in that sense. Well, I
Speaker 1: see there's even a viewer here from Meta Yane, Columbia. Wow,
Speaker 1: so far away. Let me know where you guys are
Speaker 1: watching from. That's really cool to see. So, Ian, don't
Speaker 1: listen to your friends. Even though relationship habits are highly
Speaker 1: contagious among social groups, don't listen to your friends. If
Speaker 1: you want a girlfriend, you will find plenty of women
Speaker 1: who want exclusivity and a good, healthy relationship. So thank
Speaker 1: you for calling. I hope you listen to that.
Speaker 7: Ian.
Speaker 1: All right, who do we have next, Producer Kleb, We
Speaker 1: have Paul with the question, Paul, we got the guys
Speaker 1: calling today. Hi, Paul, it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 5: So.
Speaker 7: Hi.
Speaker 3: I was just just got off of work and I
Speaker 3: was sitting in my car listening to you and you
Speaker 3: said there are some things that make people undtable, uh huh,
Speaker 3: which are really struck, really struck a chord with me,
Speaker 3: and I'm like, I've never heard that before. Oh, I'm
Speaker 3: curious of what you think that is because I'm single.
Speaker 1: Oh well, I can only tell you what my opinion
Speaker 1: of the things that made me undateable were when I
Speaker 1: had my first date with Julio, and they were that
Speaker 1: both my parents were dead at my age, so he
Speaker 1: might not have much time with me. That was the
Speaker 1: first thing. And the second that I still had a
Speaker 1: kid in the nest and she was going to be
Speaker 1: in the nest a while, and that is sort of
Speaker 1: for some men don't want to take on a single
Speaker 1: mother who still got a kid in the house. His
Speaker 1: if you ever watched our proposal on live radio, was
Speaker 1: that he experienced incarceration at a point of his life
Speaker 1: and so it was a very shameful thing and it
Speaker 1: was hard for him to tell the story. But Paul,
Speaker 1: everybody's got their thing that they feel shame about, and
Speaker 1: they think, does someone want to take this on? Because
Speaker 1: you see, we all have a kind of mate status, right,
Speaker 1: and it has to do with age and income and
Speaker 1: looks and education and all kinds of things. And there
Speaker 1: is somebody for everybody. But it's important that we understand
Speaker 1: where we land on the scale. And when I was
Speaker 1: on the dating apps and I would these guys were
Speaker 1: not answering the text quick enough, I'd be like, Okay,
Speaker 1: that's out of my league. Moving on, I want to
Speaker 1: get somebody who's a good match for me. So it's
Speaker 1: not like there's one thing that makes somebody undtable. It's
Speaker 1: what our culture perceives as shameful. And if people are
Speaker 1: shooting out of their league, does that help at all?
Speaker 1: I do? If that makes sense?
Speaker 2: I tried.
Speaker 1: All right, producer, Kayla, who do we have next?
Speaker 2: We have Jeremy with the question.
Speaker 1: Jeremy, Hi, Jeremy, it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 8: Hello, doctor Wendy. How are you good?
Speaker 1: What's your question?
Speaker 8: So? My question is I've had a long stint of
Speaker 8: kind of a I'll just say it. I've had a
Speaker 8: bit of a crazy life in my twenties. I dropped
Speaker 8: out of college twice, and for about two years I
Speaker 8: lived on the streets, and then and then I moved
Speaker 8: back in with my parents. And now I'm sorry to
Speaker 8: actually get into the process of leaving and living on
Speaker 8: my own for the first time. So at iratulation nine,
Speaker 8: how yeah, I know, at age twenty nine, how do
Speaker 8: I explain having such a crazy backstory to a potential
Speaker 8: first date, like, how do I, how do I? How
Speaker 8: do I mix that in and without sounding like a
Speaker 8: complete trade wreck.
Speaker 1: Well, first of all, I don't think anybody's a train wreck,
Speaker 1: especially when they're growing and moving on and have accomplished
Speaker 1: the things that you seem to have accomplished in life.
Speaker 1: But here's the important thing is at the very beginning
Speaker 1: of dating, like on the first date, it's all fantasy, right,
Speaker 1: So this is not the time to trauma dump, is
Speaker 1: not the time to open up and bleed in front
Speaker 1: of somebody. It's going to be done as you're gaining
Speaker 1: their trust in the first few or four or five
Speaker 1: or six dates. Now, Julio and I were completely an
Speaker 1: anomaly because I asked that question on the first date.
Speaker 1: Tell me why you're undtable, right? But for other people,
Speaker 1: you know, there's shame involved. They're worried about judgment. And
Speaker 1: you know, I'm he found me to be quite open
Speaker 1: and compassionate, but for others it might take some time.
Speaker 1: So just bit by bit by bit, and also focus
Speaker 1: on the positive. Instead of saying I had this horrible
Speaker 1: time it was really hard, you might say something like
Speaker 1: I was forced to learn some really valuable lessons and
Speaker 1: I learned them experientially till I could get to the
Speaker 1: place that I'm at now. Thank you for calling Jeremy.
Speaker 1: All right, producer Kayla. Who else do we have there?
Speaker 2: Another fellow? We have Eduardo?
Speaker 1: This is the night for men. Hello, Eduardo, it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 4: Yeah, doctor Wendy. Well, I'm about to get some money
Speaker 4: from my twenty year job at Blue Cross. I relocated
Speaker 4: from Chicago in twenty twenty three over here in Tampa,
Speaker 4: and I took Kyla. So I'm not somebody who's into
Speaker 4: social media. I actually been checking out e Harmony, but
Speaker 4: I think that's been invaded by AI. So I think, oh,
Speaker 4: I think all.
Speaker 1: The dating apps do use a little bit of AI
Speaker 1: and how they're especially with their algorithm.
Speaker 4: There no exception. Okay, what are your recommendations as far
Speaker 4: as meeting I'm in my early picties, by the way,
Speaker 4: meeting people outside the social media you.
Speaker 1: Mean outside of dating apps? Okay, so definitely you want
Speaker 1: to join groups, right, So there's not like it's not
Speaker 1: like you're going to be, you know, kind of creepy
Speaker 1: and walking up to people in the vegetable aisle and
Speaker 1: say how about those cucumbers? Right? Edward, Are you going
Speaker 1: to join whatever group interests you, whether whether it's volunteering
Speaker 1: in your community, whether it's getting involved politically, whether it's
Speaker 1: learning a new hobby or new skill. And try to
Speaker 1: pick a group that women might be attracted to, whether
Speaker 1: it's book groups, gardening groups, wine tasting groups, cooking classes,
Speaker 1: et cetera. I think you know because I was always
Speaker 1: saying to women, like women, if you're trying to meet men,
Speaker 1: what are you doing. Go into all those yoga classes.
Speaker 1: Go to a hockey game. They are all there, every
Speaker 1: one of them, right. Go take lessons at a driving range.
Speaker 1: They're standing there at the golf course. So ask yourself,
Speaker 1: where are the women? I have a fun one for you, Eduardo.
Speaker 1: I have gone on a number of breast cancer walks,
Speaker 1: and there are some smarty pants guys who go on those.
Speaker 1: Literally they're walking for two hours, talking to hundreds of women,
Speaker 1: all for a good cause, and all the women see
Speaker 1: is a wonderful, compassionate guy who's fit and walking. So
Speaker 1: I highly recommend, excuse me, that gentlemen go on breast
Speaker 1: cancer walks. Thanks for calling, Eduardo, All right, do we
Speaker 1: have somebody else or should I go to social media. Okay,
Speaker 1: let me go to the DMS if you would like
Speaker 1: to call the numbers one eight hundred five two zero
Speaker 1: one five three four. I do want to say to
Speaker 1: my Instagram viewers that you can't hear both sides of
Speaker 1: the conversation. I try to repeat the question if I can.
Speaker 1: But if you download the iHeartRadio app, search doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walsh or KFI, you will find it. Okay, Dear doctor Wendy,
Speaker 1: I have two questions. First is how do you deal
Speaker 1: with extremely toxic co workers that unfortunately will work the
Speaker 1: exact same shift and the managers do nothing. Oh, I'm
Speaker 1: sorry about that. That's question one. Question two. My hobby
Speaker 1: and I've been married for seventeen years. We built a
Speaker 1: life together, kid's house. We've been on and off in therapy,
Speaker 1: but I feel like we just don't get along and
Speaker 1: the only reason we stay together is because either of
Speaker 1: us cannot afford to go separate ways. It seems that
Speaker 1: the only time we communicate is to argue or disagree
Speaker 1: with each other. Okay, well, those are two big problems. Okay,
Speaker 1: it feels like these questions. By these two questions, do
Speaker 1: you have a lot of negative energy in your life,
Speaker 1: and I do want to say this gently and with love.
Speaker 1: Sometimes when we notice a lot of negative energy at home,
Speaker 1: et cetera, it sometimes could be projection is that we
Speaker 1: haven't done the work to feel happy inside ourselves and
Speaker 1: so therefore we're like, oh, those coworkers are toxic, My
Speaker 1: husband is awful, right, because we're projecting our awful feelings.
Speaker 1: I want to remind everybody out there that relationships don't
Speaker 1: make you happy, and the job of a relationship is
Speaker 1: not to make you happy. You know what relationships do?
Speaker 1: They make you whole, but happy people have happy relationships.
Speaker 1: Relationships are a gymnasium for your mind. You can't go
Speaker 1: to a gym and look at the equipment and hope
Speaker 1: you're going to get in shape. You got to get
Speaker 1: in there now. A friend who's a marriage and family
Speaker 1: therapist told me when am I asked her, so, what's
Speaker 1: the most common problem that couples present in therapy? You
Speaker 1: know what she said to me? She said, doesn't matter
Speaker 1: what it is, it never goes away. They only learn
Speaker 1: how to manage it. So my question to you is
Speaker 1: are you learning how to manage stuff? Have you learned
Speaker 1: how to have better communication skills? Because divorce doesn't teach
Speaker 1: you how to be a better mate. Divorce doesn't teach
Speaker 1: you how to find a better mate. Divorce teaches you
Speaker 1: that you can survive divorce and that your next marriage
Speaker 1: has a much higher chance of leading to divorce. Don't
Speaker 1: shoot the messenger. This is just what the statistics say.
Speaker 1: All right. When we come back, I'm going to continue
Speaker 1: to go to social media as well as take your calls.
Speaker 1: The numbers one eight hundred five two zero one five
Speaker 1: three four. That's one eight hundred five two zero one
Speaker 1: five three four. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 9: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 9: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: AFI Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
Speaker 1: I am taking your calls. Hey, producer, Kayla, who do
Speaker 1: we have on the line?
Speaker 8: Oh?
Speaker 1: Is she there? I see the line?
Speaker 2: Sorry, we have Mark with a question.
Speaker 1: Okay, Hi, market's doctor Wendy. Yeah, Hi, Hi, what's your question? Love?
Speaker 5: Well? I I just stopped dating for a while because
Speaker 5: I just got tired of all the all the drama
Speaker 5: and everything. But I don't know. It seems like when
Speaker 5: I dated before, I made a mistake of dating at
Speaker 5: work and then uh yeah I got over that. I
Speaker 5: figured out, Yeah, I better not do that anymore.
Speaker 1: Right, the dating at work is not the problem. It's
Speaker 1: the breaking up at work.
Speaker 10: Then you're still going to work with the person that
Speaker 10: and then other people can't mind their business because I
Speaker 10: always had other people interfering. It seemed like yeah, and
Speaker 10: trying trying to get in between you know, yeah, and
Speaker 10: you know and give advice, and most of them were
Speaker 10: didn't know what they were doing, so that was unwanted.
Speaker 10: And then but then in my I'm going back to
Speaker 10: a small town. I'm in California, but I'm moving back
Speaker 10: to the Midwest. And then in the city, it's like
Speaker 10: if you don't go out to the bars, you can't
Speaker 10: meet people. So and I don't want to just meet
Speaker 10: some alcoholic And then I went I went online a
Speaker 10: little bit, but there's not a lot of people online
Speaker 10: unless you go to a bigger area. But then I
Speaker 10: had trouble where I met these these attractive women and
Speaker 10: because I used to do some modeling, and then I
Speaker 10: met some girls I like girls that say in shape
Speaker 10: and then but most of them are real narcissists and
Speaker 10: they just care about like showing off And.
Speaker 1: What's your question? What's your question?
Speaker 5: How to meet like some decent women like church church
Speaker 5: still a good idea, or.
Speaker 1: If you're a believer, don't go and pretend to be
Speaker 1: a believer. I just think that you will meet quality
Speaker 1: people when you become a great mate and a quality person.
Speaker 1: You see, what happens is when we don't feel good
Speaker 1: about ourselves, we have lack of self confidence or whatever,
Speaker 1: we will go out unconsciously and we will find people
Speaker 1: who will reject us, or people who are narcissists or etc.
Speaker 1: And so it is often an inside job. Remember mark
Speaker 1: relationships don't make you happy, but happy people have happy relationships.
Speaker 1: I wish you luck. I think it's a great idea
Speaker 1: that you're taking a break because it's important to like
Speaker 1: practice him self care for a few months and then
Speaker 1: go back to it. And don't give up on those
Speaker 1: dating apps. They could really be helpful. All right, let
Speaker 1: me go to the dms on social media. By the way,
Speaker 1: if you'd like to send me a DM, My social
Speaker 1: everywhere is at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walsh h Dear docgher Wendy, I'm going on my third
Speaker 1: date with a guy who congratulations, he told me I
Speaker 1: could pick the place. Does this mean I have to
Speaker 1: pay as well? I'm not sure what the etiquette is,
Speaker 1: So here's my opinion on this. On a very first date,
Speaker 1: and I'm quantifying this to only heterosexual relationships. On a
Speaker 1: very first date. In a heterosexual relationship, if a man
Speaker 1: doesn't asking, a man should pay. After that, I think
Speaker 1: it's polite for women to offer to contribute. If men
Speaker 1: want to keep up the whole rust of I'm a
Speaker 1: big provider and I can take care of you, pretty,
Speaker 1: young lady, then let him say thank you for the offer,
Speaker 1: but no right by the third date. It's kind of
Speaker 1: interesting because he's saying, you pick the place, So I
Speaker 1: would actually just not pick a place that's over the
Speaker 1: top expensive and let him pay right because he wants
Speaker 1: to take you up and or maybe offer it's a contribute.
Speaker 1: That's what I usually say. So I used to say,
Speaker 1: may I contribute to this? And they say no, no,
Speaker 1: little lady, it's on me. You know the name I
Speaker 1: was trying to think of the comedian earlier, Ali Wong. Oh,
Speaker 1: I love that had a block And then Julio was
Speaker 1: listening to the show and he texted me it's Ali
Speaker 1: Wong with a bunch of exclamation.
Speaker 6: Marks that didn't come up on Google. So I'm happy
Speaker 6: I didn't give my answer I found because that was wrong.
Speaker 1: All right, Moving along, Dear doctor Wendy. I met a
Speaker 1: man and we really hit it off, but later I
Speaker 1: got the dick in the night. Should I not go
Speaker 1: on a first date with him? Okay, I'm really confused here.
Speaker 1: You met him, so it sounds like you've met him
Speaker 1: somewhere in the real world, hit it off, then later
Speaker 1: in the night, not with him, like on your own,
Speaker 1: you just stomach went. You know what, Listen to your stomach, girly.
Speaker 1: I'm a big believer that the gut is the second brain.
Speaker 1: And once you started to relax and you're falling asleep
Speaker 1: and you're like, it doesn't feel right. Yeah, don't go
Speaker 1: out with him. I'm just throwing that out there, all right,
Speaker 1: Dear doctor Wendy. I am a words of affirmation person.
Speaker 1: I expressed love fearlessly. My girlfriend expresses herself through action.
Speaker 1: Her actions say she loves me, but she never verbalizes it.
Speaker 1: I want words. I understand it isn't natural to her.
Speaker 1: Do I cope or do I talk to her? Okay,
Speaker 1: listen to me. You know why you love fearlessly? Do
Speaker 1: you know why you use all those words? I don't
Speaker 1: know exactly, but I will tell you this. There's a
Speaker 1: chance you have a little bit of an anxious attachment style.
Speaker 1: You think if I love them so much and I
Speaker 1: tell them and you know why, I can tell you
Speaker 1: this because I used to be that I would meet
Speaker 1: these guys, would fall in love, and I'd be like,
Speaker 1: I had the first one to go, I love you,
Speaker 1: I'm so lovey. I'm like, why doesn't he say he
Speaker 1: loves me? Because I was in love with longing? And
Speaker 1: you know how you create a loss, a feeling of
Speaker 1: loss so that you can be love with longing. You
Speaker 1: give too much too soon, and you gush and they're like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's old, too much, and they're kind of pushing away,
Speaker 1: and so then you get your model for love, which
Speaker 1: is I'm doing the chasing and they're not. You admit
Speaker 1: she loves with her actions. Then if okay, and I
Speaker 1: do want to say the whole love language is thing.
Speaker 1: It has been studied and try to be replicated and
Speaker 1: all that. It's not true. But more important than what
Speaker 1: love language do you speak? What love language do you hear?
Speaker 1: What do you understand? You clearly understand that she's expressing
Speaker 1: herself through her actions, and so that should be good
Speaker 1: enough for you. I think you're in love with Longing.
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna say that only because I was that
Speaker 1: way once. All right, are we near the end already?
Speaker 2: Wow?
Speaker 1: Time flies when we're having fun. A producer Kayla, this
Speaker 1: went by in like five minutes tonight. I don't know why.
Speaker 1: When we come back, I want to talk about anxiety,
Speaker 1: and I'm a special therapist with us who's written a
Speaker 1: number of books about anxietnxiety, and she is going to
Speaker 1: help us all heal. You're listening to the Dror Wendy
Speaker 1: Wall Show on KFI AM six forty are live everywhere
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 9: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 9: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Dr Wendy Wall Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I
Speaker 1: promised you a special guest who's going to cure all
Speaker 1: our worries, all our anxiety. She is local Los Angeles based,
Speaker 1: board certified clinical psychologist, doctor Jenny Yip. Thank you for
Speaker 1: being with us, Jenny.
Speaker 7: Thank you so much for having me here. Now. I
Speaker 7: don't know if I can cure anxiety. I can certainly
Speaker 7: give some helpful tips.
Speaker 1: But you have spent your life thinking about anxiety, writing
Speaker 1: many books about anxiety. Let's talk about what's going on
Speaker 1: in the world right now. I feel like we're in
Speaker 1: the age of anxiety. What's going on? Why is there
Speaker 1: so much anxiousness when actually, if you think about it,
Speaker 1: the world is actually safer, We have more affluence, but
Speaker 1: there's this worry. What is it coming from?
Speaker 7: I mean, if you think about it, we are so
Speaker 7: disconnected today than ever before. And you know, a lot
Speaker 7: of people we feel like we're connected through social media
Speaker 7: and so forth, except we really don't know how to
Speaker 7: speak with each other anymore. We don't really have meaningful connections.
Speaker 7: We really don't have a way to reach out, and
Speaker 7: especially the young folks because they grew up in this
Speaker 7: technology generation where their whole lives has been based on
Speaker 7: social media and YouTube and all of that disconnection is
Speaker 7: actually what's creating a lot of anxiety that we're experiencing today.
Speaker 1: Do I hear you singing my song that relationships are
Speaker 1: paramount to our mental health?
Speaker 7: Absolutely? I mean, if we look at all of the
Speaker 7: research that exists, your support system is the number one
Speaker 7: buffer to so many mental health needs. So, whether it's
Speaker 7: anxiety depression that builds your support for your overall health
Speaker 7: even physical health as well, we floss that because we're
Speaker 7: so disconnected today more than ever.
Speaker 1: Before, we need each other, We need closeness, we need intimacy.
Speaker 1: You know, this morning, my husband and I were out
Speaker 1: to brunch in a place that was very hip and
Speaker 1: very trendy, and we didn't know that we stumbled on
Speaker 1: trendy as what happened. And as we were sitting in
Speaker 1: this place and watching the hostess walking these people to
Speaker 1: their tables, young tattooed, dressed fashionably, and everyone had a
Speaker 1: strut like they were posing, like nobody was really connected.
Speaker 1: They almost looked like they were making a section of
Speaker 1: an Instagram video.
Speaker 7: Yes, yes, I mean think about it. How many times
Speaker 7: have you walked into a restaurant and you see a
Speaker 7: family or a bunch of friends sitting together except everyone
Speaker 7: has their heads into their phones or you have these
Speaker 7: you know families that are having dinner and kids are
Speaker 7: on their iPads, and yes, while they you might have
Speaker 7: a nicer dinner without your kids throwing forks at each other?
Speaker 7: How connected and meaningful is that dinner going to be? So,
Speaker 7: you know, we're just all just disconnected, is the best
Speaker 7: way to describe it. So, if we're all so disconnected,
Speaker 7: we don't have the social support, or the family support,
Speaker 7: or the tension that we crave as human beings, then
Speaker 7: how are we to feel confident in ourselves? How are
Speaker 7: we able to meet the challenges in life where once
Speaker 7: upon a time we relied on each other?
Speaker 1: So we pose and we can pretend confidence. Now, there
Speaker 1: are lots of different kinds of anxiety, or shall we
Speaker 1: say anxiety shows up in different ways, right, Some people
Speaker 1: have obsessive, compulsive, repetitive behaviors to try to am I
Speaker 1: correct in sing to try to quell that anxiety. Others, Sadly,
Speaker 1: my students are always interested when I teach intro to
Speaker 1: psychologists too. They're always interested to hear about body harming anxiety. Right,
Speaker 1: the pickers, the hair polars, the nail biters, the cutters
Speaker 1: and people that are. But what is the most common
Speaker 1: display of anxiety that you see in your practice?
Speaker 7: Well, my practice at the Renewed Freedom Center, we work
Speaker 7: mostly with obsessive compulsive disorders and related anxiety, and that
Speaker 7: means that it could come across social anxiety, which we
Speaker 7: see so much today, especially in our young young adults
Speaker 7: as well as adolescents, or separation anxiety and kids because
Speaker 7: they feel like they need mommy and daddy or they
Speaker 7: won't survive without mommy and daddy.
Speaker 1: Well, they're also missing the entire tribe that we used
Speaker 1: to have generation to go and mommy and daddy is
Speaker 1: all they got.
Speaker 7: Yes, exactly, So there's that lack of confidence in themselves.
Speaker 7: But I think at the culprit of all anxiety disorders,
Speaker 7: it's a lack of confidence, a lack of confidence to
Speaker 7: deal with life's challenges, a feeling of uncertainty of not
Speaker 7: knowing how, when, where, whom, what, and you then just
Speaker 7: feel stuck. And of course when we're in that fight
Speaker 7: or flight fear mode, most of us are just going
Speaker 7: to go into avoidance. Unfortunately, when we are avoiding, whether
Speaker 7: we're avoiding social interactions or we're avoiding being out without
Speaker 7: mommy and daddy, or we're avoiding no contamination. As an OCD,
Speaker 7: it doesn't give us the corrective experience to tolerate whatever
Speaker 7: the triggers are, to our discomfort level, to our fear,
Speaker 7: to our avoidances, and therefore it's only going to reinforce
Speaker 7: our fears.
Speaker 1: Right, we need a little exposure. And so you yourself
Speaker 1: have suffered from anxiety in the past, is one of
Speaker 1: the reasons I understand you got into this end of
Speaker 1: the business.
Speaker 7: Yes, yes, I experienced OCD from the age of four.
Speaker 7: In fact, it's actually it's actually quite common in my family.
Speaker 7: My dad had OCD, his mother had OCD.
Speaker 1: There is a genetic piece, absolutely absolutely no.
Speaker 7: I mean, you know, like what we're discovering with a
Speaker 7: lot of mental health conditions, there's a genetic component into it. However,
Speaker 7: just because you have the genetic predisposition doesn't necessarily mean
Speaker 7: that the genes will turn on, right. You also need
Speaker 7: environmental experiences to either support or correct those genes.
Speaker 1: So in my.
Speaker 7: Situation, my environmental experiences supported the genes.
Speaker 1: To turn on.
Speaker 7: So I experienced OCD since age four, and unfortunately, back
Speaker 7: in the seventies and eighties, nobody knew what was wrong
Speaker 7: with me, right, And it wasn't until I was in
Speaker 7: college that one of my professors pointed out to me
Speaker 7: that I might have OCD because I was writing and
Speaker 7: rewriting and rewriting so that I could have it be perfect.
Speaker 1: Right. Oh, those students who make their papers so perfect,
Speaker 1: they are a joy. But you do wonder. Oh, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: it's so funny because I always say it's always the
Speaker 1: A plus students who want the private meeting with me
Speaker 1: to find out how they can get it right.
Speaker 7: And that's the academic anxiety.
Speaker 1: I right, the C student need to come to my office.
Speaker 1: That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 4: So you have.
Speaker 1: Developed a specific way of treating anxiety. And I want
Speaker 1: to give our listeners some news they can use when
Speaker 1: we come back. Can you hang on for another segment?
Speaker 7: Absolutely?
Speaker 1: All right. My guest is doctor Jenny Yip Yep, just
Speaker 1: like it sounds yip. She's a Board certified clinical psychologist.
Speaker 1: You're listening to the Doctor wendywall Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 9: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 9: AM six forty Welcome back.
Speaker 1: To the calm stretch of the Doctor Wendywall Show on
Speaker 1: k I am six forty. My guest doctor Jenny Yip
Speaker 1: is a Board certified clinical psychologist, an author, a speaker
Speaker 1: who has written a lot about anxiety. I would be
Speaker 1: remiss if I did not mention your latest book called
Speaker 1: Hello Baby, Goodbye, Intrusive thoughts how moms can stop the
Speaker 1: spiral of anxiety and OCD to be well during motherhood.
Speaker 7: Yes, that is love, the labor of love that I
Speaker 7: have devoted the last few years of my life too.
Speaker 1: I have to tell you a funny story during my
Speaker 1: two pregnancies. Well, I learned with the first one. Anytime
Speaker 1: I read about and like I was reading all the
Speaker 1: biology books and all the symptoms and all the things
Speaker 1: that could happen to you, if I read about it,
Speaker 1: I got it. It was guaranteed. So I stopped reading
Speaker 1: about all the things that could happen during pregnancy. But
Speaker 1: let's talk specifically about the way that you treat anxiety.
Speaker 1: And you talk about something called the strategic family boundaries model.
Speaker 1: What is that?
Speaker 7: Well, we all need boundaries in our lives, and a
Speaker 7: lot of problems in our family relationships are creative because
Speaker 7: we don't have healthy boundaries. And if we're thinking about
Speaker 7: anxiety per se, you know, as a parent or as
Speaker 7: a loved one, you can either be supporting your loved
Speaker 7: one or enabling the unhealthy behaviors.
Speaker 1: So this is where.
Speaker 7: Boundaries come into play and boundaries. I know, it's so
Speaker 7: overdone and so oversaid. However, many people don't consider the
Speaker 7: different types of boundaries that exists. So not only are
Speaker 7: we talking about physical boundaries, we're talking about emotional boundaries.
Speaker 7: We're talking about mental boundaries, We're talking about logistical boundaries.
Speaker 7: And when we think about boundaries, it's not just boundaries
Speaker 7: with other people, it's also boundaries with ourselves. How do
Speaker 7: we relate to ourselves? Do we live our lives according
Speaker 7: to the values that that aligns with our lives, and
Speaker 7: then are we intentionally setting those boundaries to reinforce those
Speaker 7: values so that we can live meaningfully, We can engage meaningfully,
Speaker 7: we can have dialogues and interactions with our families and
Speaker 7: loved ones in a meaningful way. And in order to
Speaker 7: do that, we have to be very aware and conscientious
Speaker 7: of what our values are and what are the boundaries
Speaker 7: that are necessary to protect those values in our relationships.
Speaker 1: So are you seeing that there are too many families
Speaker 1: in America that are too enmeshed? Oh my, really, nobody
Speaker 1: can remember whose problem is who?
Speaker 7: Oh? Yes, exactly. And this book that I wrote was
Speaker 7: specifically tailored for new moms because as a new mom,
Speaker 7: we feel like we have to live up to societal
Speaker 7: expectations to be this superhero mom, and then we let
Speaker 7: all of what we hear and see and read basically
Speaker 7: harass us. And these are the mental boundaries that we're
Speaker 7: not establishing.
Speaker 1: I will say, there are a lot of people in
Speaker 1: our world that pathologize motherhood, and we are criticized at
Speaker 1: every corner trying to be a good parent.
Speaker 7: Yes, I mean, even if we're thinking about Freud, Freud
Speaker 7: initially said, OHCD was because of anal retentive mother. I mean,
Speaker 7: come on, right, I mean, where can we not be
Speaker 7: blamed for all that happens in the world.
Speaker 2: So to have.
Speaker 7: Well meaning motherhood wellness, you have to know what your
Speaker 7: roles are, what your expectations are, or not just of yourself,
Speaker 7: of other people as well of your family members. And
Speaker 7: to protect your wellness as well as your family's wellness,
Speaker 7: you have to be able to role model healthy boundaries.
Speaker 1: So are you saying that largely the I'll use my
Speaker 1: own word, an epidemic of anxiety that we're seeing is
Speaker 1: partly because people aren't allowed emotional autonomy to have their
Speaker 1: own feelings. They're supposed to have the feelings of the
Speaker 1: other family members.
Speaker 7: Well, no, people are allowed. They just don't know that.
Speaker 1: You're allowed to.
Speaker 7: Have your own emotions right, without influence from anyone, especially
Speaker 7: social media. We're going back to social media again, and
Speaker 7: you have to also allow your family members and your
Speaker 7: loved ones to have their own emotional experiences without your influence.
Speaker 7: I mean that's where boundaries lie, right. It's your respect
Speaker 7: and your ability to tolerate and honor other people's emotions
Speaker 7: and expecting other people to honor and respect your emotions.
Speaker 1: We're also not responsible for other people's emmissions, like we
Speaker 1: don't make people feel you know. My favorite line I
Speaker 1: use with friends who will say, well, when they have
Speaker 1: weak boundaries, they're like, well, I can't say no, you know,
Speaker 1: I gotta go because I don't want to hurt their feelings.
Speaker 1: And I'll say, you know what, sometimes they need to
Speaker 1: get the gift of pain. Absolutely, yes, A little gift
Speaker 1: of pain, like I'm sorry, I can't, I'm overextended. I
Speaker 1: have to say no.
Speaker 7: Yes, especially with children, right, I think as parents we
Speaker 7: do too much to protecting our children's so that they
Speaker 7: can feel happy all the time. Except that's not realistic.
Speaker 7: In life. Life comes with challenges, and it's important for
Speaker 7: children to experience a little bit of disappointment, a little
Speaker 7: bit of discomfort, a little bit of pain, because then
Speaker 7: they learn how to deal with it when they become adults,
Speaker 7: and it builds their resiliency to be able to manage
Speaker 7: real life's challenges. Because one day, the truth is, and
Speaker 7: I tell every mother that I work with this same thing,
Speaker 7: You're going to die, oh man, and.
Speaker 1: They have to live without yes, exactly.
Speaker 7: And when you do die, hopefully not anytime soon. Are
Speaker 7: your children ready to be on their own? Will they
Speaker 7: have the skills to manage the challenges that naturally come
Speaker 7: with life or will they be completely lost and uh
Speaker 7: not have the confidence to deal with it?
Speaker 1: And plenty of them in their late twenties and even
Speaker 1: thirties are moving back yet oh oh yes. So this
Speaker 1: is a serious thing that gets expensive. It really cuts
Speaker 1: into the retirement folks. Just want to say, Jenny, it's
Speaker 1: a pleasure to meet you. I want to remind everybody
Speaker 1: they can find the book anywhere, I'm sure, but google it.
Speaker 1: Hello baby, it's called Goodbye Intrusive Thoughts, Stop the Spiral
Speaker 1: of Anxiety and OCD to reclaim wellness on your motherhood journey.
Speaker 1: But you have many other books on anxiety that people
Speaker 1: can get no matter what stage of life, Doctor Jenny Yip,
Speaker 1: Google Heart.
Speaker 5: Do you have a.
Speaker 7: Website, doctor Jenny Dear It's doctor yip dot com. Doctor.
Speaker 1: How much easier could it be? Doctor Yip? If you
Speaker 1: suffer from anxiety, don't wait any longer. Okay, get help,
Speaker 1: whether it's doctor Jenny, whether it's another licensed clinical therapist.
Speaker 1: You owe it to yourself to release yourself from the
Speaker 1: pain you're experiencing. Thank you for being with us. So
Speaker 1: happy to be here, Thank you. Thank you to my listeners.
Speaker 1: It's twenty twenty five, right, okay, damp January, dry January.
Speaker 1: You figure it out.
Speaker 7: Okay, you know you.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm here every Sunday for you from seven to
Speaker 1: nine pm. Thanks so much for being with us. You've
Speaker 1: been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. See
Speaker 1: you next week. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walls.
Speaker 1: You can always hear us live on KFI Am six
Speaker 1: forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime
Speaker 1: on demand on the iHeartRadio app