1 00:00:01,120 --> 00:00:06,559 Speaker 1: Hi everyone, It's me Stephanie Wilder Taylor. This is Drunkish. Look, 2 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:09,080 I'm trying to change up this intro, make it a 3 00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:11,439 little bit less boring, but you know what it is. 4 00:00:11,519 --> 00:00:13,720 It's based on my book Drunkish, where I told my 5 00:00:13,759 --> 00:00:16,600 sobriety story, and now I'm letting other people tell their 6 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:20,960 stories and do me a favor. Watch this on YouTube 7 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:26,120 if you want. It's under Drunkish podcast and subscribe on YouTube. 8 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,800 It will really help me out. And why not give 9 00:00:28,879 --> 00:00:33,280 the podcast five stars or four? Just don't go below that, 10 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:37,000 you know, don't be that way anyway. I hope it 11 00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:42,600 helps hearing other people's stories. And today I'm very excited. 12 00:00:42,759 --> 00:00:46,560 I have a friend of mine. Her name is Danielle Mercier. 13 00:00:47,679 --> 00:00:51,960 Her story is pretty incredible. She tells it with just 14 00:00:52,119 --> 00:01:00,200 brutal honesty and it's funny. She's hilarious and charming and warm. 15 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:03,079 And I've known her for a really long time and 16 00:01:03,159 --> 00:01:23,480 I know you're going to enjoy it. And I am 17 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:27,200 here with my friend Danielle, who just took off her dahmers. 18 00:01:28,079 --> 00:01:31,439 Speaker 2: Wow, I can't see it. I did have to put 19 00:01:31,439 --> 00:01:31,920 them back on. 20 00:01:33,079 --> 00:01:35,920 Speaker 1: We're you just trying to like, look like, you don't 21 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:36,599 need glasses. 22 00:01:37,519 --> 00:01:41,959 Speaker 2: I was trying to look less murderous. Yes, they're not murdery. 23 00:01:42,079 --> 00:01:46,200 Speaker 1: They're so not murdery glasses. Danielle knows that I have 24 00:01:46,319 --> 00:01:49,000 my I don't wear them ever on this show because 25 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:53,439 I can't see my computer with my Jeffrey Dahmer glasses. 26 00:01:53,439 --> 00:01:56,599 But they are I love what they are. These and 27 00:01:56,719 --> 00:01:59,840 my kids them are merciless with me. They're just like, no, 28 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:02,959 get some cuter glasses. And I'm like, these are not cute. 29 00:02:02,959 --> 00:02:04,200 There's seventies a tip. 30 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:07,319 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm might there would be super groovy. 31 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:12,039 Speaker 1: Really all right, Danielle, I've known you for a long time. 32 00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:15,319 You've been how how long have you been sober? 33 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:15,560 Speaker 2: Now? 34 00:02:15,599 --> 00:02:17,120 Speaker 1: A long time longer than me. 35 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:23,199 Speaker 2: This August eighteenth, it will be twenty years. Wow, how 36 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:24,599 does that happen? 37 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,159 Speaker 1: You look like you're fourteen, So that doesn't seem that 38 00:02:28,199 --> 00:02:29,039 doesn't seem real. 39 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:30,039 Speaker 2: Okay, do the math. 40 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:33,840 Speaker 1: Take me back, because I know some of the stories 41 00:02:33,879 --> 00:02:35,960 from like just take just take me all the way back, 42 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:36,800 take me through it. 43 00:02:37,919 --> 00:02:40,400 Speaker 2: Okay, Well, you see, I was a port and I'm 44 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:44,080 just kidding. I grew up in Cape pod Oh, I 45 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:47,000 grew up in Plymouth, which is on the way to 46 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:53,240 Cape Pod actually, and I grew up. My dad left 47 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,159 when I was five, and it would just be my 48 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:58,439 mom and my sister. My dad was an alcoholic, and 49 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:02,639 I think I had a really great childhood. I loved it. 50 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:04,879 We were really I don't want to say we were 51 00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:08,120 really poor, but we were pretty poor. But my grandparents 52 00:03:08,159 --> 00:03:11,759 lived across the street and they like took care of us, 53 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:15,159 you know. It's they were the village, you know, And 54 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:17,879 so we didn't really go without anything, but we didn't 55 00:03:17,919 --> 00:03:23,360 have any frills, that's for sure. And my mom was 56 00:03:23,479 --> 00:03:27,960 really bitter about the fact that my dad left, you know, 57 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:33,120 and I got that a lot throughout my childhood. So 58 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,680 so it was kind of like you and your sister 59 00:03:35,919 --> 00:03:40,360 have to be my other half, you know, right from 60 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:43,599 the get go. You know, you know, ten, you better 61 00:03:43,639 --> 00:03:46,520 go get a job and start earning that type of thing, 62 00:03:47,039 --> 00:03:52,039 you know. And so I got my first job when 63 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:56,360 I was thirteen. I was working for a pizza shop 64 00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:01,840 and it was owned by the mob and my grandmother 65 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:06,039 worked for their hair salon that they also own. They 66 00:04:06,039 --> 00:04:08,319 owned like maybe like eight or nine different things in 67 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:12,199 the town. And they they got me a job under 68 00:04:12,199 --> 00:04:14,960 the table, you know, because I was too young and 69 00:04:15,199 --> 00:04:18,600 I'll never forget. One day, I was cutting tomatoes in 70 00:04:18,639 --> 00:04:22,279 the corner of the of the shop and a bunch 71 00:04:22,279 --> 00:04:25,199 of the guys came running in with big, huge, heavy 72 00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:28,959 black trash bags, and I was like, what's happening, what's up? 73 00:04:28,959 --> 00:04:31,279 When they started screaming at me, you don't see anything, 74 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,480 you don't say anything, I was like, OK. I just 75 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:37,600 kept chopping tomatoes. And later on in the afternoon they 76 00:04:37,639 --> 00:04:39,439 came up to me with one hundred dollars bill and 77 00:04:39,439 --> 00:04:42,720 they said, you don't see anything, right, said, I didn't 78 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,959 see anything, and they gave me a hundred dollar bill, 79 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:48,120 and I was kind of like my paychecks always went 80 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,199 to my mom. That hundred dollar bill was mine, and 81 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:53,600 it was kind of like the first like sneaky thing 82 00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:57,319 that I ever got away with that. I was like, oh, 83 00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:01,319 I like that. I like being like a to have 84 00:05:01,439 --> 00:05:07,639 my own thing and the excitement that lent with I 85 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:14,519 guess badnessish. So I had that. And then about fifteen, 86 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:20,079 I had my first drink. And we used to go 87 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:25,920 out and drink in cranberry bogs in the woods. So 88 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:29,480 you'd like go out in some guy this you know, 89 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,279 truck or something and go mudding and bring out a 90 00:05:32,279 --> 00:05:35,079 big keg and drink your boons farm or drink your 91 00:05:35,199 --> 00:05:38,879 kegs or drink whatever, and drink everything you could possibly drink, 92 00:05:38,959 --> 00:05:42,959 you know, that type of bank until you got wasted. 93 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:46,439 At least That's how I always always always drank. It 94 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:51,160 was like ready go, and it was like just drink, 95 00:05:51,319 --> 00:05:54,800 just get as much in as you can right from 96 00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:57,720 a Nobody ever said that you were supposed to drink differently, 97 00:05:58,399 --> 00:06:03,399 you know, And every time we drink, I'd get wasted, 98 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:08,000 and I would be the humorous life of the party. 99 00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:13,240 And I loved that. I loved being the center of attention. 100 00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:18,600 I loved being the cute drunk girl. I like making 101 00:06:18,639 --> 00:06:23,519 out with everybody. I liked same. That was my specialty. 102 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:27,639 Speaker 1: Yeah, anytime. I'm fifteen, when I first started kissing boys, 103 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,959 as soon as I got drunk, I would sometimes make 104 00:06:29,959 --> 00:06:31,040 out with like three guys in a. 105 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:35,399 Speaker 2: Night, for sure. I remember somebody saying to me really 106 00:06:35,639 --> 00:06:37,759 early on, like, hey, if you want to have a 107 00:06:37,759 --> 00:06:40,399 fun party, and by Danielle to it, and I took 108 00:06:40,439 --> 00:06:44,040 that as the biggest compliment ever, Like I don't know 109 00:06:44,079 --> 00:06:46,360 if that was meant to be a compliment or if 110 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:49,319 it was mentally an insult. But I took it as Oh, 111 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:54,720 I get that, I got to fix my lady. Yeah sorry, 112 00:06:54,959 --> 00:06:57,639 So I took that as a big compliment. It was 113 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:04,120 intended to be. I don't know. So I drank and 114 00:07:04,199 --> 00:07:07,000 drank and drank. I kept drinking, and it was just 115 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:09,800 always like, oh, there's a big party this weekend. I 116 00:07:09,839 --> 00:07:11,680 don't want to blame it on the East Coast, but 117 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:14,600 when I was living on the East Coast is me. 118 00:07:15,079 --> 00:07:17,160 I was living on the East Coast, it was very 119 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:21,560 much where everything was centered around alcohol. We're going to 120 00:07:21,639 --> 00:07:23,720 go to this party, we need to get drunk. I 121 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,360 was a huge concert person. I've always been a huge 122 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,680 concert person. Getting fucked up and oh am I allowed 123 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:33,199 to swear? Yeah sorry, I start it. Oh okay, I 124 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:37,199 love it. We we had to get fucked up before 125 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:39,759 we went. You know, we'd go out into the parking 126 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,680 lots and you know, get wasted in the parking lots 127 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,839 and and you know, make out with as many people 128 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,279 or tease as many people as we could and just 129 00:07:48,879 --> 00:07:53,199 it was really really really fun for a while. You know. 130 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:59,040 When I was so when I was nineteen, I got 131 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:03,319 engaged to be mayor worried, and I thought this is 132 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:06,480 not for me. And every night we'd go to bed, 133 00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:10,480 and we lived above a barn, and every night i'd say, 134 00:08:10,519 --> 00:08:13,199 you know, I want more from my life, and my 135 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:17,360 fiance would say to me, ah, shut up, ghostleep, and 136 00:08:17,399 --> 00:08:20,319 I come. And every ed probably did this for a 137 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:23,000 good three months, and every night he'd say the same thing, 138 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,120 and it was just like another stitch in my side, 139 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:28,120 another stitch in my side. And you know, I never 140 00:08:28,319 --> 00:08:31,800 ever have seen healthy relationships. My dad left when I 141 00:08:31,839 --> 00:08:35,519 was really young. My grandparents just seemed like they were roommates. 142 00:08:36,399 --> 00:08:41,440 I didn't know anybody in good, loving, long, healthy like relationship. 143 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,279 So I always went to the guy who kind of 144 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:48,120 just said they were interested in me, like, hey, Danielle's hot, okay, 145 00:08:48,519 --> 00:08:51,080 And I just went there, right oh, They all right, 146 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,600 all right, if you want me, you can have me. 147 00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,279 And I thought very little of myself, but I also 148 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:58,759 thought I was like the catch me out. You know, 149 00:09:00,279 --> 00:09:05,879 So I'm living with this guy. Three months in she says, 150 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:07,480 you know, he says to me, shut up, go to 151 00:09:07,519 --> 00:09:09,679 sleep every night. And then one day my sister had 152 00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:12,480 a U haul and I went come pick me up. Tonight. 153 00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:16,759 She goes, Oh my god, what happened? I said, nothing yet, 154 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:20,080 but I'm going and a Tit got a fight, you know, 155 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,360 I picked a fight and I moved out. And from 156 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:27,080 that point, from nineteen to twenty one, I moved in 157 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,799 with my mom and my sister and just didn't haunt him, 158 00:09:29,879 --> 00:09:36,080 know I what to do? I remember I did send 159 00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:39,080 in a tape for the real world during that really 160 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:43,639 wasted and I would love to see that videotape. You 161 00:09:43,639 --> 00:09:47,519 wouldn't it right in on anybody? Oh? Yeah, yeah, really wasted? 162 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:51,240 Check like you know. Anyway, I didn't get chosen, but 163 00:09:51,399 --> 00:09:56,159 I did decide I wanted to become an actress. And 164 00:09:56,240 --> 00:10:00,360 I was twenty one and I was waitressing at a 165 00:10:00,399 --> 00:10:03,519 bar in Weymouth, Massachusetts, on the way up to Boston, 166 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:09,440 and I was cocktail waitressing and some guy left a 167 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,600 sign on the time o'clock that said, Hey, moving to 168 00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:15,720 Las Vegas. If everybody wants to come check me out? 169 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:19,879 And I did. I was like, you know what, I 170 00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:22,159 got my tax return and I went to the travel 171 00:10:22,159 --> 00:10:24,240 agency and I used to always give my money to 172 00:10:24,279 --> 00:10:27,799 my mom, and I bought myself a ticket to go 173 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:31,399 on vacation to Las Vegas. My mom was so pissed off, 174 00:10:31,519 --> 00:10:33,559 so pissed, but I was like, I'm just I want 175 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,360 to go see the world. I want to go have fun. 176 00:10:36,399 --> 00:10:39,480 And she was like, okay, go, I guess. I came 177 00:10:39,559 --> 00:10:44,320 to Las Vegas and was absolutely wasted the whole time. 178 00:10:44,399 --> 00:10:47,879 I slept with every roommate in the house. My friend 179 00:10:47,919 --> 00:10:51,320 who I stayed with was so angry at me, but 180 00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:57,240 I just thought, like I thought of myself as payment. 181 00:10:58,279 --> 00:11:01,480 It was always like a payment, you know what I mean, Like, well, 182 00:11:01,759 --> 00:11:03,399 this person was really nice to me and brought me 183 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:06,840 around all day long. I mean, they deserve something as 184 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:10,639 well be me, Like, I'll give them me no biggie, right, 185 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:18,080 So again, it was always it was hitting my moral fiber, right, 186 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,240 it was always hitting my moral fiber. It was just 187 00:11:20,279 --> 00:11:22,960 like more and more of just like oh well, oh well, 188 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:26,879 that's just what happens when I drank, Like, oh well, 189 00:11:26,879 --> 00:11:31,799 you're mad at me, you'll get over it. So I 190 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:33,440 get back from this trip and I came to my 191 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,240 mom and I said, listen, I'm moving to Las Vegas 192 00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:40,639 at twenty one, and she goes, wait what And three 193 00:11:40,679 --> 00:11:43,000 months later she said I was ready to go, and 194 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,159 she her and my sister sat me down and said, 195 00:11:45,159 --> 00:11:47,559 do you mind if we come with you? And I 196 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:51,720 was like first mad and then so thrilled that they came. 197 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,039 It was actually the best trip of my whole life, 198 00:11:54,279 --> 00:11:57,120 and I've been on a lot of trips my whole life. 199 00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,759 We drove cross country the three of us, which is 200 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:04,799 like a national Lampoon's vacation trip. It was like crazy, 201 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:09,759 ceilings fell in in the hotels and like just insanity people, 202 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:11,840 the people we met. We got a flat tire, I'm 203 00:12:11,879 --> 00:12:15,240 sitting the homeless people. It was just it was crazy anyway. 204 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:20,480 And oh, my sister's driving this massive truck, my mom's 205 00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:23,440 driving like two drugged cats, and I'm smoking weed the 206 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:27,559 whole way in my car cross country, like the whole way, 207 00:12:27,679 --> 00:12:32,320 just jamming out to music and smoking weed because they 208 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:35,559 thought I wasn't responsible enough, you know, but I was 209 00:12:35,639 --> 00:12:38,519 always playing not card so I could not have to 210 00:12:38,519 --> 00:12:41,919 do anything. You know. Yeah, just seems smarter to me. 211 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:42,759 Were your parent? 212 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,480 Speaker 1: Was your mom and sister going to move to Las Vegas? 213 00:12:45,559 --> 00:12:47,639 Or were they just wanting to drive you out there? 214 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,679 Speaker 2: Have they decided No? They said, we've got nothing going 215 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:52,559 on here. Do you mind if we come and live 216 00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:55,120 out with you. And I was like mad at first, 217 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,159 and they said no, let's so we started our life 218 00:12:58,159 --> 00:13:03,600 in Las Vegas. From Plymouth, Massachusetts, in the same America's hometown, 219 00:13:04,279 --> 00:13:09,600 totally America's hometown, to Sin City. The culture shock I 220 00:13:09,639 --> 00:13:14,919 got when I got to Las Vegas was eazy I had. 221 00:13:15,279 --> 00:13:19,480 I had had a degree in retail like fashion merchandising, 222 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:21,360 which I always told people I had a degree in 223 00:13:21,399 --> 00:13:23,840 fashion design because I thought it was better because I 224 00:13:23,919 --> 00:13:26,320 was never enough, you know, I had to be bigger 225 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:30,440 and better. But it was for merchandising. So now everyone knows. 226 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:35,960 And I heard it all myself. Dang it breaking news. 227 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:40,279 So uh, I went, can. 228 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:43,399 Speaker 1: We adjust your things so that you're always looking at 229 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:44,120 it at all? 230 00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:44,759 Speaker 2: Oh? 231 00:13:44,799 --> 00:13:45,639 Speaker 1: That's much better? 232 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:49,600 Speaker 2: Okay, perfect, Yeah, okay, sorry, that's fine. Sorry. I'm really 233 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:52,919 bad at angles meetings and I like sit, like laying 234 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:58,440 down and like. So I got a job at Beattie 235 00:13:58,799 --> 00:14:02,240 and I didn't know what be was still that store, Yeah, 236 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:05,279 everybody loved that store. I just thought as like, oh, 237 00:14:05,279 --> 00:14:07,559 there's a store and it's girls clothing, and I'll go 238 00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:10,000 see if I can get a job. Well, I became 239 00:14:10,039 --> 00:14:14,200 a local celebrity in Las Vegas because Biebe was like 240 00:14:14,559 --> 00:14:17,120 the bomb apparently, and I had no clue and they 241 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:22,559 were just opening this brand new store. And now I'm 242 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,759 a big fat liar. I tell people what they want 243 00:14:25,759 --> 00:14:28,360 to hear. I had originally said to the gal who 244 00:14:28,399 --> 00:14:34,200 was giving me the job, Hey, I was engaged, but 245 00:14:34,399 --> 00:14:40,360 he's no longer with me, and she goes, he died. Yeah, yep, yep, yep, 246 00:14:40,399 --> 00:14:43,519 he died. And she was like, oh, so this whole 247 00:14:43,559 --> 00:14:46,120 time I was working at Beatie, I was like a 248 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,559 widow or something, a thing they're sinking and I was 249 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:53,840 like what. Anyway, I got a great job there, but 250 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:57,960 my and I got to know everybody, but everybody gave 251 00:14:58,039 --> 00:15:02,919 me perks, drugs, drinks out like I didn't at least 252 00:15:02,919 --> 00:15:05,720 always say don't break stride, don't break stride, and we 253 00:15:05,879 --> 00:15:08,399 just get right in right away. And I had never 254 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:12,960 even been really in a bar, you know. At twenty one, 255 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:16,759 I moved to Las Vegas, so I every time I 256 00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:21,039 went out, got wasted every time. Then for a while 257 00:15:21,399 --> 00:15:25,480 there was a guy selling ecstasy and because I worked 258 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,600 at bed and he knew that I was dealing with 259 00:15:27,679 --> 00:15:33,039 all of the gals in town. He would give me drugs, 260 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:35,919 and for a bit I was like, this is fabulous, 261 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:39,840 this is great, you know, like it's fatuous. And so 262 00:15:39,879 --> 00:15:43,600 I started doing a lot, a lot of ecstasy. I 263 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:48,879 mean just a lot of ecstasy. And I decided, well, 264 00:15:48,919 --> 00:15:51,039 I wanted to be an actress, right, So I moved 265 00:15:51,039 --> 00:15:53,799 to Las Vegas, which nobody ever does, but I did, 266 00:15:53,919 --> 00:15:59,720 thinking it was less evil than La crazy, and so 267 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,320 I did. I got my SAG and I got my AFTRA. 268 00:16:02,799 --> 00:16:04,759 One thing about me is when I decided just to 269 00:16:04,799 --> 00:16:07,039 do something, I just do it right. So I got 270 00:16:07,039 --> 00:16:08,759 my SAG and I got my after and I did 271 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:14,000 my due diligence here in Vegas, and I moved to LA. 272 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:17,559 And when I moved to La, I was ready to go. 273 00:16:17,759 --> 00:16:20,519 I was ready to act. And they transferred me to 274 00:16:20,559 --> 00:16:25,440 the dB in in LA at the Beverly Center, and 275 00:16:25,919 --> 00:16:31,600 which was a trip. I good stories there too, the 276 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:36,879 one in La. Let's see moving to La ninety nine 277 00:16:36,919 --> 00:16:42,480 to two thousand, Yeah, it was. It was crazy. I 278 00:16:42,519 --> 00:16:46,200 saw Nicole Richie's like mom and her stepmom and like 279 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:50,120 this this fight at baby. Like I met Vin Diesel 280 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,120 and went to an award show with him that night, 281 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:55,679 like one night from there, like just the Beverly Center 282 00:16:55,799 --> 00:16:59,879 was a trip back then it just fun. So anyway, 283 00:17:00,279 --> 00:17:03,759 I moved to LA and decide I want to be 284 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,559 an actor, and I'm in. I move here and moved 285 00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:10,799 to LA and I knew a casting director at a 286 00:17:10,799 --> 00:17:16,839 big soap opera from family, and so right away she 287 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,240 got an into that and I was like, I don't 288 00:17:18,279 --> 00:17:23,880 know why people have such a hard time acting. So 289 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,720 she put me on as like a ton of like 290 00:17:26,839 --> 00:17:30,480 walk ons and like extra work basically, and then she 291 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:33,039 was like, oh, we'll give you a couple like under 292 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:35,640 five lines or ten. I don't know what what it is. 293 00:17:36,079 --> 00:17:39,599 And so I was like okay. So one day, so 294 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:45,079 before this, I'm still doing ecstasy with the ecstasy like 295 00:17:45,599 --> 00:17:48,200 I'm I'll get back to that one other one, but 296 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:52,359 I'm I'm doing ecstasy. But now I don't know anybody 297 00:17:52,519 --> 00:17:57,759 in LA, and I'm like, yeah, ecstasy. So I'm muling 298 00:17:57,799 --> 00:18:02,720 it back and forth from Las Vegas to LA and 299 00:18:02,759 --> 00:18:05,640 from LA to Vegas. And he would pay me and 300 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,759 he would go take your hands and do this, and 301 00:18:07,799 --> 00:18:10,119 I do this and he goes as soon as one drops, 302 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:14,680 that's it. I'm like okay, So i'd be like like 303 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:17,119 trying not to and I would have like a huge 304 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:21,240 just bowl of ecstasy in my hands. Well, one day 305 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,799 when I'm in La, there was a huge raid and 306 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:29,680 he got arrested and there was no more ecstasy. Now 307 00:18:29,759 --> 00:18:32,440 I'm like, oh shit, like what am I gonna do? 308 00:18:33,039 --> 00:18:36,400 Like I need my drugs right, Like I can't just 309 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:39,799 be just drinking, like even nobody can go drunk to work, 310 00:18:39,839 --> 00:18:42,119 but I can go hide to work. Like this made 311 00:18:42,119 --> 00:18:45,799 sense in my mind, and so then I started to 312 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:48,759 do the invisible line that I drew in the sand. 313 00:18:48,839 --> 00:18:52,279 I started to do cocaine, and I was like, I'll 314 00:18:52,279 --> 00:18:56,440 never do gokay, and that's dirty, s grouse dirty. It 315 00:18:56,519 --> 00:18:59,000 was just fine, you know, it did the deal. So 316 00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:03,319 now I'm starting to do cocaine. Now I get a 317 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:07,839 job doing under five lines in like this big soap opera, 318 00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:12,519 major studio. So excited that I'm there, but also really 319 00:19:12,559 --> 00:19:17,480 cocky thinking that like everybody gets jobs like this. I'm 320 00:19:17,519 --> 00:19:20,960 in like the holding tank for like extras, and I 321 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,839 take out my cocaine and pour it on the table 322 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:31,000 and start chopping up lines, and people are looking at me. 323 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,720 They're like reading books and like knitting and stuff. And 324 00:19:33,759 --> 00:19:38,079 I might, you know, like, so somebody went and told 325 00:19:38,079 --> 00:19:40,960 on me and they escorted me out. 326 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:46,519 Speaker 1: This is the best story ever. Yeah, I love a 327 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,200 good fired story. 328 00:19:48,559 --> 00:19:52,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, escorted me offset And you know I never was 329 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:55,359 sent I was never asked to come back again. Now 330 00:19:55,359 --> 00:19:59,240 I'm cocktailed. No, I'm hostessing in Beverly Hills this time. 331 00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:05,960 And my boyfriend, who was also total, total alcoholic, I 332 00:20:06,079 --> 00:20:09,440 couldn't understand why I gave up my dream because I 333 00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:12,359 couldn't tell him that, you know, I was doing drugs 334 00:20:12,359 --> 00:20:15,480 at work, because that would be stupid, right, Like I 335 00:20:15,559 --> 00:20:17,759 knew that, but I couldn't say that. I was just 336 00:20:17,799 --> 00:20:19,599 like I just don't want to do it anymore. I 337 00:20:19,759 --> 00:20:24,200 just prefer to stay a hostess and like, you know, 338 00:20:24,599 --> 00:20:29,200 like this is really working for me. And so so 339 00:20:29,319 --> 00:20:32,400 now I'm like a notch lower in my mind, like 340 00:20:32,559 --> 00:20:35,480 well now what now, what are you gonna do, Danielle? 341 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:39,640 You know, but still feeding this alcohol like and I'm 342 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,160 hostess thing because I'm right next to the bar every 343 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,759 day at the bar is right there, and every day 344 00:20:43,839 --> 00:20:46,319 I just go over and get a couple. You know. 345 00:20:46,519 --> 00:20:49,000 I think it was like Goodkatonics, but I think it 346 00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:54,519 was like that mandarin amandarin vodka or something a nice 347 00:20:54,519 --> 00:20:59,200 sweet cringe now thinking about that. So I would just 348 00:20:59,319 --> 00:21:02,039 drink the whole and I would only give tables to 349 00:21:02,119 --> 00:21:05,519 people who tipped me. So and everybody knew it too, 350 00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:08,200 so they would you know, it was a nice restaurant. 351 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:11,240 So I got major kIPS, and so I could afford 352 00:21:11,279 --> 00:21:13,680 to do everything this whole time. I had a sugar daddy. 353 00:21:13,759 --> 00:21:16,400 Also because I don't know how to have a like 354 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:21,720 a true relationship, you know, so I don't lose out 355 00:21:21,799 --> 00:21:24,799 on a lot of like financial stuff. You know, my 356 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:28,640 house is still fine, I like, But again, my moral 357 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:33,960 fiber is really picking hits every time, right, every time 358 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,920 I feel less than, every time I feel worthless, every 359 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:40,519 time I feel like, you know, nobody can see me. 360 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,880 You know. I remember wearing sunglasses everywhere and thinking like 361 00:21:44,079 --> 00:21:46,759 nobody like I was a ghost, like nobody sees me 362 00:21:46,839 --> 00:21:49,400 walking around. I was also higher than you know, a 363 00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:55,759 kite too, But that's the heather here nor there. So 364 00:21:56,160 --> 00:22:00,799 I was of drinking, I'm doing drugs, and I don't 365 00:22:00,799 --> 00:22:07,279 know what else to do. I I just squander for 366 00:22:07,319 --> 00:22:09,799 a bit, go back and forth from Vegas. My family 367 00:22:09,839 --> 00:22:12,440 stayed in Vegas, and I went back and forth. I 368 00:22:12,559 --> 00:22:14,599 came back to Vegas. I say it was to take 369 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,680 care of my dying mom, but really it was to 370 00:22:16,799 --> 00:22:20,559 hide it was a dump demographic and I was trying 371 00:22:20,559 --> 00:22:23,359 to like recapture the glory days. And all my friends 372 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:26,759 were having babies and married and happy, and I was 373 00:22:26,799 --> 00:22:32,319 the only one here, chubby, drinking wine and reading Harry Potter, like, 374 00:22:32,519 --> 00:22:35,279 you know, it was like sad, you know, my poor 375 00:22:35,319 --> 00:22:37,839 mom's dying in the other room, and I just kind 376 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:42,519 of was doing my own thing, you know. I moved 377 00:22:42,519 --> 00:22:48,039 back to la and I moved it back in with 378 00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:52,160 my alcoholic boyfriend. And now we're not really good at all, 379 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,519 and we're doing a lot of drugs together, like a 380 00:22:54,559 --> 00:22:56,279 lot of I think. I spent most of my time 381 00:22:56,359 --> 00:23:01,920 naked in the apartment, painting the house, just high on 382 00:23:02,039 --> 00:23:06,000 cocaine and drinking as much as I could possibly drink 383 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:09,319 and fighting with him. I sent him to the doctors 384 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:14,440 many times. I had many, many fights with him, many 385 00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:20,240 black eyes. I had a couple miscarriages because of drugs, 386 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:25,839 you know, just and each time again like what the fuck, 387 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,759 what the fuck's wrong? You know, I'm drinking and reading 388 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,200 self help books like crazy, trying to figure out what's 389 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,799 the matter in my life, you know, like, I'm a 390 00:23:35,839 --> 00:23:39,160 good girl from Plymouth, Massachusetts, Like, what's the issue here? 391 00:23:39,559 --> 00:23:43,680 The blog glog? You know, I just don't understand. My 392 00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:46,119 sponsor always says that it's funny when you tell an 393 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:51,000 alcoholic that she doesn't understands that. She h it's more 394 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:56,319 of that she just doesn't like the answer, you know. Yeah, Like, yeah, 395 00:23:56,359 --> 00:24:02,240 so I I move in with him. It's really bad. 396 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:06,920 We're fighting all the time. We're living on Sunset Strip, 397 00:24:07,039 --> 00:24:11,000 basically just partying and like going from party to party 398 00:24:11,039 --> 00:24:13,880 and living out of bags and just and I really 399 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,920 was your typical party girl, Like I would do anything 400 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:19,880 in a party, I would act a fool. It was 401 00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:24,240 I thought it. It was cool. Years later, I saw 402 00:24:24,279 --> 00:24:26,039 a good friend of mine and he said to me, 403 00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:28,119 I saw you out at the House of Blues the 404 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:31,160 other night, and you had so much cocaine on your face. 405 00:24:32,359 --> 00:24:34,400 He goes that I could have gotten high off of 406 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:38,279 the cocaine on your face. And I was like, what really, 407 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:42,200 I was walking around like that and he's like, yeah, 408 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,960 it was really sad. And I was like, like, it's 409 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:46,680 okay for me to say I was sad, but it's 410 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,480 not okay for you to say I was sad, but 411 00:24:48,519 --> 00:24:51,400 it was sad, you know, like I really thought that 412 00:24:51,559 --> 00:24:58,839 like that was my you know, my cards I was 413 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,440 dealt were and that's how life was just going to be. 414 00:25:01,559 --> 00:25:05,400 Speaker 1: Yeah, were you like, no, I'm happy? Were you trying 415 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:06,519 to know you weren't happy? 416 00:25:06,559 --> 00:25:09,200 Speaker 2: I was pretending I was happy. I'm a very happy face, 417 00:25:09,599 --> 00:25:11,680 so I would smile through it all. I thought I 418 00:25:11,759 --> 00:25:14,640 was a great actress. I thought I was a great 419 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:19,680 actress because I everybody found like I was doing just fine. 420 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,000 But if you talk to me for more than five minutes, 421 00:25:22,039 --> 00:25:26,359 you'd know that I was like scared and sad and 422 00:25:26,519 --> 00:25:29,559 didn't know what to do and like I had no 423 00:25:30,559 --> 00:25:34,240 aim in my life. You know, Oh, I'm gonna try 424 00:25:34,279 --> 00:25:39,200 to time on this lake. Nope, it's all outside anyway. 425 00:25:41,759 --> 00:25:46,400 So so yeah, so I'm sad and lonely, lonely, and 426 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:50,359 I we get in a huge fight and I decide 427 00:25:50,799 --> 00:25:58,960 to move to Valencia from Studio City. And because I 428 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,480 found a guy on Craigsy, you get in a huge 429 00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:02,599 fight and he was like, you have to get out 430 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:05,240 of my house. I was like, okay, I own like 431 00:26:05,319 --> 00:26:10,000 a mattress and a few other small things, and I 432 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,440 meet I find a guy on craigslist. We went and 433 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:16,920 had sack bombs, and I thought, he's perfect, what a 434 00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:20,640 perfect roommate. Well, he's a perfect roommate for right then, 435 00:26:20,839 --> 00:26:22,519 you know what I mean. So I went out to 436 00:26:22,599 --> 00:26:25,920 Valencia and moved in with him, and for about a 437 00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:28,519 week it was fine. It was great, you know. I 438 00:26:28,519 --> 00:26:33,240 slept on my mattress on the floor. And then I 439 00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:36,839 decided to go out one night on a date and 440 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:41,119 in Studio City. So I drove from Valencia to Studio 441 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:46,000 City and I remember ordering so many drinks that the 442 00:26:46,039 --> 00:26:50,079 guy's card that declined, and he was like, I'm sorry, 443 00:26:50,119 --> 00:26:52,000 I just didn't know you were going to drink this much. 444 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:56,960 And I was like what, Like, what a cheap asshole 445 00:26:57,079 --> 00:26:59,599 you are? You can't even afford to pay for my drinks? 446 00:27:00,519 --> 00:27:02,920 God like whatever. So I get up and I go 447 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:07,359 to the bathroom, but really I walked out. I left 448 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:10,759 him sitting there, and I went to some other bar. 449 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:17,400 My phone's blowing up from him, probably most likely, and 450 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:20,400 I go to a southern bar. Yeah exactly, sorry, sure, 451 00:27:23,039 --> 00:27:27,119 So she So I go to the Southern bar, I 452 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:30,839 drink a bunch of drinks with other people, and my 453 00:27:31,119 --> 00:27:33,240 roommate calls me at the time and says to me, 454 00:27:33,599 --> 00:27:36,799 why don't you come on out to the Greens in Valencia, 455 00:27:36,839 --> 00:27:40,799 which is like an outdoor party area with this huge 456 00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:45,720 like uh like dance area and like live music and 457 00:27:45,759 --> 00:27:48,599 big bonfire outside and just it's like nice and like 458 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:52,160 it's like a golfing area. And I was like, okay, yeah, 459 00:27:52,559 --> 00:27:54,839 get in my car. I don't remember the whole drive 460 00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:57,720 at all. I remember the next thing. I remember having 461 00:27:57,720 --> 00:27:59,960 that phone call and then giving my ID to the 462 00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:05,640 guy in Valencia. Totally wasted. I go in there, We 463 00:28:05,759 --> 00:28:10,000 do at least three or four yaeger bombs, and I'm 464 00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:12,759 partying with him and his friends, yeah or whatever. And 465 00:28:13,039 --> 00:28:17,000 I used to be famous for all the heels I wear. 466 00:28:17,039 --> 00:28:21,160 Now I wear my comfortable clerks and my orthopedic shoes, 467 00:28:22,519 --> 00:28:25,519 but I'd wear heels and you know, be as cute 468 00:28:25,519 --> 00:28:27,480 as possible because that was the only thing I ever 469 00:28:27,559 --> 00:28:30,599 had to offer, was just my ass, basically, is what 470 00:28:30,599 --> 00:28:37,799 I always thought, you know. So I get there, I'm dancing, 471 00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:44,839 and I stumble. Everybody knows it's just like drunken, wasted whatever, 472 00:28:45,119 --> 00:28:48,160 And I feel a bunch of people on me and 473 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:52,839 they are fighting me, and I start fighting them. But 474 00:28:53,119 --> 00:28:58,799 really I had fallen down so close to the fire 475 00:28:59,799 --> 00:29:05,680 that people were putting me out. Yeah, it was, but 476 00:29:05,759 --> 00:29:07,559 I didn't know this at the time. At the time, 477 00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:10,240 I just felt people on top of me on the ground, 478 00:29:10,359 --> 00:29:12,160 and so I'm just beating your shit out of these 479 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:15,039 people and they're trying to just put me out or things. 480 00:29:15,559 --> 00:29:17,640 And so they pulled me off to the side in 481 00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:21,960 the paramedics comb and I decline any medical whatever because 482 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:25,680 I'm yelling and screaming and just belligerent. And they kicked 483 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:28,680 me out because I won't see the paramedics. So my 484 00:29:28,799 --> 00:29:34,559 roommate and his couple friends take me home and I 485 00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:40,559 remember smoking weed with them on the balcony. Now, when 486 00:29:40,599 --> 00:29:43,480 I tell you what I look like like, the idea 487 00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:46,119 of me standing on the balcony, smoke me weed with them, 488 00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:51,799 just so I smoked weed with them, and then I 489 00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:56,240 then I woke up the next morning. I didn't have 490 00:29:56,319 --> 00:29:59,279 any pants or any underwear, and there was no pants 491 00:29:59,359 --> 00:30:02,559 or underwear in my home that were around, So I 492 00:30:02,599 --> 00:30:05,039 don't know what happened with those three guys that were 493 00:30:05,039 --> 00:30:09,799 in my house. I woke up on my only sheet, 494 00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:14,279 on my mattress on the floor, and my body hurt 495 00:30:14,359 --> 00:30:18,039 in every way you could possibly think. And I got up, 496 00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:20,359 and I went into the bathroom and sat on the 497 00:30:20,359 --> 00:30:22,839 toilet and went to go pee and turned on the water, 498 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:25,960 and the water's heating up, like to take a shower. 499 00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:29,119 And I stood up and I saw myself in the mirror, 500 00:30:29,359 --> 00:30:36,680 and I was just shocked, just absolutely shocked. My hair 501 00:30:36,839 --> 00:30:40,920 from here all the way over here was completely gone 502 00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:44,200 except for a few little wisps. My eyebrow was gone, 503 00:30:44,319 --> 00:30:47,359 my eyelashes were gone. My nails on this hand were 504 00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:52,920 melted onto my hand. My earring, my silver earring was 505 00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:57,759 like stuck to my face. My id stood in black 506 00:30:58,119 --> 00:31:00,440 and everything all over me. And I had like an 507 00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:04,119 acrylic sweater on that's like you do right, a tighter one. 508 00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:08,759 It was burned onto my arm. Here, my underwire burned 509 00:31:09,039 --> 00:31:13,240 my underneath, my my in my bra I had cuts 510 00:31:13,279 --> 00:31:17,720 and bruises and purple and green bruises and dirt under 511 00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:21,039 my nails and face and just and I was just 512 00:31:21,559 --> 00:31:27,400 so demoralized. I was like, what, like I'm a good 513 00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:31,160 girl from Plymouth, Like still again, like it's still saying this, 514 00:31:32,720 --> 00:31:35,880 and I, uh. I got in the tub and I 515 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:37,599 sat on the bottom of the tub for a good 516 00:31:37,599 --> 00:31:41,000 forty five minutes and just cried. And that day I 517 00:31:41,039 --> 00:31:44,799 had a therapy appointment and I went to my therapist 518 00:31:45,039 --> 00:31:47,480 and I wore I'll never forget. I wore it was 519 00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:51,119 the short the shortest genes very possibly think of, you know, 520 00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:54,039 like the Mudflap Girl. I had a T shirt with 521 00:31:54,119 --> 00:31:56,359 the Mudflap Girl, but she had double ears, and I 522 00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:58,680 had cut it so it hung off of my shoulders, 523 00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:02,319 and I had put my hair offsied and like a 524 00:32:02,359 --> 00:32:05,759 one ponytail, so you couldn't tell that I had fried 525 00:32:05,839 --> 00:32:09,000 my whole face off. And they got in there, she goes, 526 00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:13,480 holy shit, what happened to you? And I told her 527 00:32:13,559 --> 00:32:15,640 and I was like, yeah, you know. She goes, no, 528 00:32:15,759 --> 00:32:18,680 I don't know. And I was like, well, you know, 529 00:32:18,759 --> 00:32:23,000 these things happen. She was no, they don't. This doesn't 530 00:32:23,079 --> 00:32:27,599 happen to people. And I said, well, there's always consequences. 531 00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:31,559 She goes, no, I mean there's not always consequences. I said, well, 532 00:32:31,559 --> 00:32:35,680 there's always been consequences to my drinking. And so we 533 00:32:35,759 --> 00:32:37,799 talked about that for a bit and then she said, 534 00:32:37,839 --> 00:32:40,319 do you think you have a problem with alcohol, And 535 00:32:40,359 --> 00:32:45,519 I said absolutely. Like period, It's like, well, I think 536 00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:47,680 you know what about an AA meeting? And I talked 537 00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:50,079 about this and that, and she gave me the phone 538 00:32:50,119 --> 00:32:53,319 number and I walked around with it for about three 539 00:32:53,359 --> 00:32:58,440 weeks and I just decided like no, no, no, no, 540 00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:00,000 now it's not a good time. No, they're that part 541 00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:02,480 already's coming up. No, this is that. No, I'm not ready. 542 00:33:04,039 --> 00:33:09,039 The thing the reason I went is you know that 543 00:33:09,079 --> 00:33:11,759 small little window that wake what opens up for you, 544 00:33:11,759 --> 00:33:18,519 you know, and uh, instead of it hitting just my moral, 545 00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:26,000 you know fiber, it hit my vanity this time. And 546 00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:28,640 that was always the only thing I had ever had 547 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:31,200 in my mind. Not that I'm the hottest babe there is, 548 00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:33,960 but like that was the only card. Growing up. My 549 00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:35,880 mom used to say, you're the pretty one and you're 550 00:33:35,920 --> 00:33:37,960 the smart one, and I always thought I was a 551 00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:40,160 total moron because my sister was the smart one and 552 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,279 I only had the you're the you're the pretty one 553 00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:44,519 lean into that. 554 00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:46,880 Speaker 1: And now I feel bad because I opened up our 555 00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:49,640 conversation by telling you you're the prettiest girl I know. 556 00:33:50,359 --> 00:33:54,440 And I want to also add also the funniest you're 557 00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:59,839 super funny and sweet and engaging and smart, very smart, 558 00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:01,759 articulate and a good storyteller. 559 00:34:01,799 --> 00:34:04,960 Speaker 2: Already taken me good. Thank you. It's taken me about 560 00:34:05,119 --> 00:34:08,920 twenty years to figure out that I'm smart. Like maybe, no, 561 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:11,920 I'd say about ten years. It was like I'd put 562 00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:14,880 pop in that tape such an idiot, You're so dumb, 563 00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:17,039 and I'm like, fuck that, no way, and I just 564 00:34:17,039 --> 00:34:19,039 pop back out the tape and be like, I'm not dumb. 565 00:34:19,519 --> 00:34:25,360 I'm a smarty I've no so but thank you. Nowadays, 566 00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:27,639 now being my age, I'm like, I'll take any time 567 00:34:27,679 --> 00:34:29,639 somebody wants to say I'm pretty, so I'll take it. 568 00:34:32,360 --> 00:34:37,079 U So I go to my first meeting. I decided 569 00:34:37,119 --> 00:34:40,840 to go to a meeting. It's in Valencia, and I 570 00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:43,920 remember I sat outside what felt like forever. It was 571 00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:46,559 probably like five or ten minutes, but it felt like forever. 572 00:34:46,599 --> 00:34:49,239 And this old bitty opened the door and she said, hey, 573 00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:51,320 you gonna sit there forever. You're you gonna come in, 574 00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:57,119 and I was like yeah, like and I walked in 575 00:34:57,639 --> 00:35:00,920 and because I'm so selfish and self centered and you 576 00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:03,280 know whatever, I walked in and I really thought it 577 00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:07,159 was like we're going to read the twelve Steps, Danielle, 578 00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:12,519 We're gonna read rarely how it works, Danielle. Like everything 579 00:35:12,679 --> 00:35:16,199 seemed like, yes, this was for me. I was soaking 580 00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:19,440 it in like a sponge. I loved it all, every 581 00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:22,639 word of it. I was in cook Line and Sinker. 582 00:35:22,679 --> 00:35:26,000 I was like, these are my people. They are my people. 583 00:35:26,039 --> 00:35:29,239 They were the weirdest group of like you know, degenerates, 584 00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:32,000 and I loved every bit of it. Right. I just 585 00:35:32,119 --> 00:35:35,480 was like, yep, yep, I'm one of you guys. I 586 00:35:35,519 --> 00:35:39,320 went to meetings, I did the deal, I sponsored, you know, 587 00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:42,519 I got a sponsor. I got a sponsor. Three months 588 00:35:42,599 --> 00:35:49,360 in my mom died. No, six months in, my mom dies. 589 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,920 But three months in I go to go do my 590 00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:55,440 fourth step, my fifth step with her, like we're talking 591 00:35:55,480 --> 00:35:57,400 and this, and then she goes, I have to tell 592 00:35:57,400 --> 00:36:00,159 you something real quick. I have a crush on you. 593 00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:05,840 I'm oh. I was so mad, so mad. She's like, 594 00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:07,519 I don't want you to tell me all your deepest, 595 00:36:07,559 --> 00:36:09,840 darkest because I just don't think i'd be right. And 596 00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:13,039 I was like so angry at her that like, how 597 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:17,559 dare you do this to me? You know? But anyway, 598 00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,400 I just realized there was a light behind me, who 599 00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:29,840 whatever you need, honey, whatever you need, go ahead, that's fine. Sorry, 600 00:36:30,039 --> 00:36:36,920 that's momming. Oh so uh, I'm so mad at this 601 00:36:37,119 --> 00:36:40,920 right and I was like, okay, well, I guess you're 602 00:36:40,960 --> 00:36:44,840 not gonna be my sponsor anymore. So from well four months, 603 00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:45,800 what a betrayal. 604 00:36:46,119 --> 00:36:48,119 Speaker 1: That's horrible, it is, but. 605 00:36:48,119 --> 00:36:50,559 Speaker 2: Ill, like, I mean, I'm so glad she said something 606 00:36:50,599 --> 00:36:53,000 to me right away. But also I was still mad, right, 607 00:36:53,519 --> 00:36:57,519 but like, come on, like whatever, So now I had 608 00:36:57,519 --> 00:37:01,840 no sponsor. My mom passes away three months later, and 609 00:37:01,880 --> 00:37:08,079 I am just like broken, just broken, and I you know, 610 00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:10,400 I was the person who had to put together all 611 00:37:10,440 --> 00:37:12,840 of her stuff for her, do everything, pay for it, 612 00:37:12,920 --> 00:37:16,119 like but that's the whole every just get your shit 613 00:37:16,199 --> 00:37:18,760 together and like stuff away your feelings. And I did that. 614 00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:21,840 But during that time I smoked some weed and didn't 615 00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:26,480 say anything to anybody for the next like maybe six months. 616 00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:28,760 I don't know the exact time. Think we shaved the 617 00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:31,840 year off, but we'll say we'll say a year. I 618 00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:35,639 smoked weed about five or six times. Just I remember 619 00:37:35,679 --> 00:37:38,440 smoking weed and my friends going this is okay, because 620 00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:40,320 they were all like normanies, and I'm like, yeah, it's 621 00:37:40,400 --> 00:37:43,360 all good. I have a problem without fouls, so it's 622 00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:47,519 totally fine. I'm like, okay and so and we all knew, 623 00:37:47,920 --> 00:37:52,559 we all knew, they knew, and I showed up. I 624 00:37:52,639 --> 00:37:58,320 moved back to Studio City, where I loved, and I 625 00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:02,480 came to the Not Saints meeting and I came to 626 00:38:02,519 --> 00:38:07,239 take a cake for one year Dickens, and I broke 627 00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:09,000 down in front of everybody. I said, I have a 628 00:38:09,079 --> 00:38:13,360 year's sobriety. I have no sponsor and my mom just 629 00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:15,199 died and I don't know what to do. And you 630 00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:18,559 know how many people like jumped on me, and I 631 00:38:18,719 --> 00:38:21,719 just absolutely jumped on me. Liz became my sponsor and 632 00:38:21,880 --> 00:38:24,239 was so wonderful. She was like a surrogate mom to me. 633 00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:27,719 She gave me away, like at my wedding, like you 634 00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:31,599 know years later. I mean, I grew up in AA 635 00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:33,880 and ever since that time. So I kept my mouth 636 00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:37,159 shut for five years about smoking weed, didn't say a thing. 637 00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:40,000 One night we're out of Hugo's having dinner, she was like, 638 00:38:40,039 --> 00:38:42,400 how you doing. What's going on? Like I smoked weed? 639 00:38:43,679 --> 00:38:46,519 She goes when I was like five years ago. She 640 00:38:46,639 --> 00:38:50,840 was like wait what? So we went to Tuesday night meeting, 641 00:38:51,079 --> 00:38:54,960 and I shaved a year and a half off, you know, 642 00:38:55,519 --> 00:38:59,519 And but I've always just been in. I've been in. 643 00:38:59,559 --> 00:39:09,320 I SPA answered, I love a about I don't know. 644 00:39:10,239 --> 00:39:16,480 Eight years into sobriety, I met another UH recovering alcoholic 645 00:39:16,639 --> 00:39:20,079 addict and we got married and hit right from the 646 00:39:20,119 --> 00:39:23,920 get go. His sobriety looked way different than mine. I 647 00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:26,960 don't even take cough syrup because like, I get scared. 648 00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:30,639 I don't take any pills because I get scared. I still't, 649 00:39:31,280 --> 00:39:33,760 you know, eat food that has alcal in it because 650 00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:37,840 I get scared. I don't just love my life so much, 651 00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:40,480 my sober life. I have a direction. I have a 652 00:39:40,599 --> 00:39:44,559 career that AA has given me. I was nothing before that. 653 00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:47,920 You know. I remember starting something in my sponsor saying 654 00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:50,400 to me, like is this a thing? And I was like, 655 00:39:50,440 --> 00:39:53,440 I want to try. She's like, okay, let's go for it. 656 00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:56,159 And so I did. And I've been around the world. 657 00:39:56,719 --> 00:40:00,519 I'm on my ninth passport, and you know, and I'm 658 00:40:00,639 --> 00:40:03,079 known in my industry and it's great. 659 00:40:03,239 --> 00:40:08,920 Speaker 1: You fly. You're a flight attendant on like private jet. Yeah, yeah, 660 00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:11,800 that's so cool. That came about from program. 661 00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:21,840 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, they've never seen the old Danielle. And so 662 00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:25,719 I've been doing it for almost twenty years now and 663 00:40:26,679 --> 00:40:29,039 I've gotten to you know, they say it's really hard 664 00:40:29,079 --> 00:40:32,519 to be a flight attendant. No, it's not you if 665 00:40:32,599 --> 00:40:36,199 you have a good relationship with your higher power and 666 00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:40,800 if you want this and you make the sacrifices and 667 00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:43,440 go to meetings in different places. For years, I used 668 00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:45,119 to say, I don't know, I go to meetings on 669 00:40:45,199 --> 00:40:48,280 the road, and then I'd get all frenchy and yucky 670 00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:52,039 and gross and and it'd be like, just go, like, 671 00:40:52,639 --> 00:40:55,039 this is my medicine, this is what I need to 672 00:40:55,079 --> 00:40:57,840 take care of me, right. And so I started doing 673 00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:01,199 it and I was like, ohh, I'm my own worst 674 00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:04,159 enemy again, you know what I mean, Like I'm not 675 00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:08,679 recovering because I'm not doing the things they keep me recovered. 676 00:41:09,239 --> 00:41:11,920 So I started going to meetings around the world and 677 00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:14,559 it's lovely and you meet people who are just like 678 00:41:14,599 --> 00:41:17,800 you and me, and you know, in other areas, and 679 00:41:17,840 --> 00:41:20,440 it's awesome. I went to a really cool bomb shelter 680 00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:25,000 meeting in Israel. They're like, go downstairs into this park, 681 00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:28,960 go downstairs, and it's down there, and I was like, Okay, 682 00:41:29,360 --> 00:41:31,320 I go in this bomb shelter. It's like just a 683 00:41:31,400 --> 00:41:34,639 door in like the park. I go down like three 684 00:41:34,639 --> 00:41:36,400 flights of stairs. When I get to like the second 685 00:41:36,519 --> 00:41:39,800 second flight of stairs, I'm like really dark, like what 686 00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:42,199 are we coly? What are they doing? I get to 687 00:41:42,239 --> 00:41:45,280 the third thing and there's all these people down there. 688 00:41:46,800 --> 00:41:49,800 They're like making bagels and like cream cheese down there, 689 00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:53,679 and like I'm like, I'm like, oh, this is this 690 00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:55,320 is insane. Yep. 691 00:41:56,000 --> 00:42:01,679 Speaker 1: So the relationship he's he's doing it different, right, he's doing. 692 00:42:01,559 --> 00:42:06,079 Speaker 2: Oh the relationship, yes, way different. Taking night quill at 693 00:42:06,159 --> 00:42:11,800 night to go to sleep, taking all kinds of medication 694 00:42:12,000 --> 00:42:16,119 has has you know, legitimate pain. And that was the 695 00:42:16,159 --> 00:42:20,800 fights we got into all the time. I have legitimate pain, Okay, 696 00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:24,480 I understand that, but I you know, you can't be 697 00:42:24,559 --> 00:42:27,239 doing this. And then so I had to enroll in 698 00:42:27,280 --> 00:42:30,840 another program because you know, I'm living side by side 699 00:42:30,840 --> 00:42:33,639 with this other person and I know what it's supposed 700 00:42:33,639 --> 00:42:36,159 to look like. But there, you know, I can't run 701 00:42:36,199 --> 00:42:39,880 somebody else's life and program. And also it's making me nuts, 702 00:42:40,280 --> 00:42:42,159 you know, so I have to stay on my side 703 00:42:42,159 --> 00:42:47,679 of the street, right, So I end up you know, 704 00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:50,360 I'm a little older and so is he. And he said, 705 00:42:50,519 --> 00:42:52,840 you know, I've never wanted children my whole life, and 706 00:42:53,119 --> 00:42:54,480 he said I kind of want a kid, and I 707 00:42:54,519 --> 00:42:56,960 was like, I do too. So we went both got 708 00:42:57,039 --> 00:42:58,599 checked out and I was like, yeah, I go for it. 709 00:42:58,599 --> 00:43:00,159 So I was like, oh, it's gonna be some which 710 00:43:00,239 --> 00:43:04,079 fun like I've never not tried. I've never tried to 711 00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:06,119 you know, had a kid like I was tried not 712 00:43:06,159 --> 00:43:10,119 to have a kid. Right first, try right away, first 713 00:43:10,159 --> 00:43:15,480 try sa pugnant, yanks. First try Yeah, we're not even 714 00:43:15,519 --> 00:43:18,079 married yet or like dating. And then he says to me, 715 00:43:18,519 --> 00:43:22,360 you know, oh, before this, I'd already had another marriage 716 00:43:22,559 --> 00:43:26,320 that I picked another wrong guy who was not right 717 00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:28,559 for me. I was married not even a year and 718 00:43:28,679 --> 00:43:32,039 I got divorced because again I still don't know how 719 00:43:32,079 --> 00:43:34,960 to have, even ten years into a relation into AA, 720 00:43:35,119 --> 00:43:40,119 I don't know how to have I don't understand how 721 00:43:40,159 --> 00:43:46,480 you pick somebody who had good stuff. I guess I 722 00:43:46,519 --> 00:43:50,079 don't know, you know, like I still that's what I 723 00:43:50,199 --> 00:43:53,760 most struggle with. You know, I know my worth now, 724 00:43:54,199 --> 00:43:56,360 but back then I didn't. It was like, oh, you 725 00:43:56,400 --> 00:43:59,519 showed me love and attention, great, right and so he 726 00:43:59,639 --> 00:44:01,599 was showing me a lot and attention. I get pregnant. 727 00:44:01,639 --> 00:44:03,559 He says to me, all right, we got to get married. 728 00:44:04,079 --> 00:44:08,559 And I was like, what, No, No, you know he said, Oh, 729 00:44:08,679 --> 00:44:10,159 I'm not going to have a baby with somebody I'm 730 00:44:10,159 --> 00:44:12,639 not going to get married to. So we got married. 731 00:44:14,079 --> 00:44:18,360 Three months pregnant, we get married, and right from the 732 00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:20,800 get go, the minute I gave birth to my son, 733 00:44:21,039 --> 00:44:24,199 which is the best day of my life, he stole 734 00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:26,559 my pain meds that they gave from my C section 735 00:44:28,079 --> 00:44:30,719 and it was game on. He had been using that 736 00:44:30,760 --> 00:44:34,639 whole time, but this time he now, it's like really 737 00:44:34,679 --> 00:44:36,920 affecting me. So I have to be a brand new baby. 738 00:44:37,320 --> 00:44:41,039 And I have a really fucked up partner who is 739 00:44:41,079 --> 00:44:45,280 wasted the whole time. And for years. We were married 740 00:44:45,400 --> 00:44:48,840 for four years, and for four of those years he 741 00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:56,159 was absolutely out of his mind wasted, and I had 742 00:44:56,159 --> 00:45:00,280 to deal with that. He lost my son. One time 743 00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:02,400 I went on a work trip. I was in London 744 00:45:02,840 --> 00:45:05,800 and I got a phone call that said, your son's missing. 745 00:45:05,920 --> 00:45:09,599 We have police and we have canine looking for him. 746 00:45:09,599 --> 00:45:12,119 And we had a helicopter and he was three and 747 00:45:12,119 --> 00:45:16,480 a half years old and he had lost him because 748 00:45:16,519 --> 00:45:21,679 he was in a drunken wasted drug something, you know. 749 00:45:22,599 --> 00:45:26,280 And it was during like twenty twenty, beginning of twenty twenty. 750 00:45:26,440 --> 00:45:30,639 He had gone to a meeting at the park, and 751 00:45:30,840 --> 00:45:33,119 you know, I was like okay with it because he, 752 00:45:34,280 --> 00:45:36,840 you know, he went to the park. He Ben got 753 00:45:36,840 --> 00:45:38,280 to go to the park and then he got to 754 00:45:38,280 --> 00:45:40,000 go to his meetings. I didn't love it, but they 755 00:45:40,079 --> 00:45:42,639 did it. And he was so wasted at the meeting. 756 00:45:42,760 --> 00:45:47,480 Some guy drove them home and Todd just absolutely like 757 00:45:47,559 --> 00:45:49,360 passed out on the couch. And now he's with some 758 00:45:49,519 --> 00:45:53,880 random guy. This guy has no clue about kids, and 759 00:45:53,880 --> 00:45:56,320 he just takes him and puts him in the front 760 00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:59,760 seat of his car, just drives him around La doing 761 00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:06,760 barons and stuff all day, and after about six hours 762 00:46:06,880 --> 00:46:09,880 comes back, tries to wake Todd up, can't get him 763 00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:12,760 to wake up, calls another friend and says, I don't 764 00:46:12,800 --> 00:46:14,519 know what to do. I have a kid, like, I 765 00:46:14,519 --> 00:46:17,360 don't know what to do. And another person comes and 766 00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:21,159 takes Ben. And then I got a voicemail when I 767 00:46:21,280 --> 00:46:24,079 landed saying where like, hey, Danielle, we just want to 768 00:46:24,159 --> 00:46:27,239 let you know we have Ben. And I told the 769 00:46:27,280 --> 00:46:29,760 police when they called me where he was, and they 770 00:46:29,760 --> 00:46:33,079 went there, duns draw on everything, and Todd lost custody 771 00:46:33,199 --> 00:46:37,280 because in his addiction. And the next couple of years, 772 00:46:37,320 --> 00:46:41,400 we're just torture. You know. I had CCSD in CCSD 773 00:46:41,519 --> 00:46:45,360 all over me, thinking I was a terrible parent. I 774 00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:47,559 was trying to be a flight attendant who travels the 775 00:46:47,559 --> 00:46:52,360 world with the child baby, you know I was. It 776 00:46:52,400 --> 00:46:55,320 was during twenty twenty or you know, it's just craziness, 777 00:46:55,320 --> 00:46:58,280 and he's trying to fight me for custody and he's 778 00:46:58,320 --> 00:47:02,039 not able to even do anything. I ended up moving 779 00:47:02,079 --> 00:47:05,960 back to Las Vegas, and because my family lives here 780 00:47:06,280 --> 00:47:11,480 and it's actually become a good, great thing. You know, 781 00:47:11,599 --> 00:47:14,480 my whole you're an idiot, you're dumb. Well, I moved 782 00:47:14,519 --> 00:47:18,280 back here and they said, we're opening up a facility 783 00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:23,880 to teach flight attendants in your the brand new flight attendants. 784 00:47:24,119 --> 00:47:28,639 And uh, now I'm an instructor for I'm still a 785 00:47:28,719 --> 00:47:30,840 flight attendant and I still travel all around, but I 786 00:47:30,840 --> 00:47:34,159 also teach all the brand new uh flight ascendants. So 787 00:47:34,159 --> 00:47:37,920 Sobriety really has taught me, first of all, how to 788 00:47:37,960 --> 00:47:43,239 be a grown adult. UH brought me up, taught me morals, 789 00:47:43,480 --> 00:47:45,719 taught me to love myself, taught me to be kind 790 00:47:45,719 --> 00:47:48,519 to others compassion of so not compassion. I was so 791 00:47:48,599 --> 00:47:51,159 not kind. I didn't think of anybody but me. It 792 00:47:51,199 --> 00:47:54,480 was a lot of just kind of blovering around and 793 00:47:54,519 --> 00:47:57,679 not knowing how to be or where to go, you. 794 00:47:57,599 --> 00:48:01,119 Speaker 1: Know, yeah, of course. Wow. 795 00:48:01,239 --> 00:48:02,440 Speaker 2: And then. 796 00:48:03,719 --> 00:48:05,599 Speaker 1: Your ex uh. 797 00:48:06,039 --> 00:48:10,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah. He passed away two years ago and even 798 00:48:10,559 --> 00:48:15,159 sadder is he? So he followed us out to Las 799 00:48:15,280 --> 00:48:20,639 Vegas to be close to my son. And at first 800 00:48:20,679 --> 00:48:23,920 I was like, oh god, okay, but also I was like, 801 00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:26,960 all right, show me, right, like show me. And he 802 00:48:27,119 --> 00:48:29,760 had to have monitored visitation because of all of his 803 00:48:30,840 --> 00:48:34,280 you know, addiction, and he just couldn't do He couldn't 804 00:48:34,280 --> 00:48:36,679 show up for them, and he kept getting his alcoholism 805 00:48:36,760 --> 00:48:39,000 just kept getting worse and worse and worse. And he 806 00:48:39,039 --> 00:48:42,360 lived in a gated community one mile away from our house. 807 00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:47,880 In two and a half years, he saw him four times, 808 00:48:49,320 --> 00:48:56,000 and two Christmases ago, I hadn't heard from him for 809 00:48:56,039 --> 00:48:58,920 a while, and finally we did a wellness check and 810 00:48:58,960 --> 00:49:01,880 he was it had been passed away in his home 811 00:49:01,960 --> 00:49:06,199 for a month, and nobody had checked on him because 812 00:49:06,239 --> 00:49:09,079 he had pushed so many people away from him with 813 00:49:09,199 --> 00:49:12,679 his disease, and you know, I was so angry at him, 814 00:49:13,320 --> 00:49:15,079 you know, like all the alan On stuff. I was 815 00:49:15,119 --> 00:49:18,119 so angry at him this whole time, and the moment 816 00:49:18,239 --> 00:49:22,360 he passed away, that went away for me. And now 817 00:49:22,400 --> 00:49:25,679 we talk about Daddy all the time. We you know, 818 00:49:25,679 --> 00:49:29,079 it's coming up on his two years passed away, and 819 00:49:29,079 --> 00:49:35,599 we're going to go out and celebrate Daddy. You know, 820 00:49:35,760 --> 00:49:39,480 he has the same disease I had. I have, and uh, 821 00:49:40,400 --> 00:49:42,519 that could be me, you know, it could be any 822 00:49:42,559 --> 00:49:45,559 one of us. If we decide to not do this 823 00:49:45,679 --> 00:49:51,119 program one hundred percent, it could be you. Doesn't really discriminate, right, 824 00:49:52,320 --> 00:49:53,679 So so. 825 00:49:53,800 --> 00:49:58,719 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just such a awful but also beautiful story. 826 00:49:58,800 --> 00:49:59,840 Speaker 2: And I have to. 827 00:50:01,599 --> 00:50:05,320 Speaker 1: I I was so angry with my biological father for 828 00:50:05,400 --> 00:50:08,159 so many years, and I just carried these like this 829 00:50:08,280 --> 00:50:10,559 chip on my shoulder, you know. And I do think 830 00:50:10,599 --> 00:50:14,599 that doing my ninth step when I had to write 831 00:50:14,599 --> 00:50:17,519 a ninth step about well, I didn't have to, but 832 00:50:17,800 --> 00:50:20,719 I really was like, well, I don't think I So 833 00:50:20,960 --> 00:50:24,559 ninth step in twelve step terms, is where you make 834 00:50:24,559 --> 00:50:27,280 your amends. You say sorry and clean up your side 835 00:50:27,280 --> 00:50:32,320 of the street, and sometimes to get to your apology. 836 00:50:32,920 --> 00:50:34,800 You know, at first, you can be like, well, I 837 00:50:34,800 --> 00:50:37,559 don't know that person apology. You look at people that 838 00:50:37,679 --> 00:50:41,599 you have still have issues, well, right, And I mean 839 00:50:41,679 --> 00:50:43,960 I do think I had that feeling of like, well, 840 00:50:44,039 --> 00:50:47,239 I'm way more sinned against. You know, my father was 841 00:50:47,400 --> 00:50:49,719 not a good father. He was absent from my life. 842 00:50:49,719 --> 00:50:53,199 He was only cared about himself, and those things are 843 00:50:53,239 --> 00:50:58,880 all true. But when I had to really think about 844 00:50:59,039 --> 00:51:02,320 what I was doing carrying around this resentment to somebody. 845 00:51:02,320 --> 00:51:05,480 This was after he passed away. So I wrote about 846 00:51:05,519 --> 00:51:08,239 this in my book because I have I was keeping 847 00:51:08,239 --> 00:51:11,159 his ashes in my closet and I was angry, and 848 00:51:11,199 --> 00:51:12,800 I was like, I don't know what to do with 849 00:51:12,920 --> 00:51:16,280 these because like kind of like fuck this guy, you know. 850 00:51:16,599 --> 00:51:19,079 Speaker 2: Yeah, and keep him in the dark and there. If 851 00:51:19,119 --> 00:51:21,199 I don't put him out, then I'm not just like I. 852 00:51:21,119 --> 00:51:23,159 Speaker 1: Don't want to be in charge of figuring out how 853 00:51:23,159 --> 00:51:25,320 to like celebrate his life. And you know, I felt 854 00:51:25,400 --> 00:51:27,800 like everybody wanted me to be the one to have 855 00:51:27,840 --> 00:51:31,119 a memorial for him, and I was like he pushed 856 00:51:31,119 --> 00:51:35,920 everybody away and he nobody was really there at the end. 857 00:51:36,159 --> 00:51:37,519 Speaker 2: Right. Yeah. 858 00:51:37,559 --> 00:51:39,840 Speaker 1: So a few years later though, when I was doing 859 00:51:39,880 --> 00:51:43,679 my ninth step. I wrote a letter to him and 860 00:51:43,920 --> 00:51:47,639 was actually able to go, oh, I did do some 861 00:51:47,760 --> 00:51:50,119 things wrong, which I won't go into, but I mean 862 00:51:50,280 --> 00:51:54,199 I was able to go, oh, my god, there's more 863 00:51:54,320 --> 00:52:01,000 nuance to relationships than just he was bad and I'm good, 864 00:52:01,599 --> 00:52:05,320 you know. And I was able to read him that letter, 865 00:52:05,400 --> 00:52:08,599 and I went and scattered his ashes, and it's like, 866 00:52:08,840 --> 00:52:11,480 really a miracle. I never would have done. 867 00:52:11,360 --> 00:52:13,800 Speaker 2: Right, thing to do right, and I don't have any 868 00:52:13,800 --> 00:52:20,639 anger anymore, you know. I became his executor, and so 869 00:52:20,719 --> 00:52:26,599 I'm in charge of everything for his life now because 870 00:52:26,639 --> 00:52:28,880 his family really doesn't want anything to do with it. 871 00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:30,920 They realized they weren't going to get anything out of it, 872 00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:33,800 so they just threw it at me. And he had 873 00:52:33,800 --> 00:52:37,599 all these journals and for the first I don't know 874 00:52:37,639 --> 00:52:39,360 how good it was for me, but for the first 875 00:52:39,440 --> 00:52:41,840 couple of months of him passing away, I read all 876 00:52:41,880 --> 00:52:45,280 of his journals about the times that I hated him 877 00:52:45,320 --> 00:52:48,480 so much and how and his side of it was 878 00:52:48,519 --> 00:52:52,639 like super glaring at some of the things that like, wow, 879 00:52:53,599 --> 00:52:57,440 I'm acting how I'm acting, or how he's perceiving things, 880 00:52:57,679 --> 00:53:00,440 or I could see that I can like I was 881 00:53:00,519 --> 00:53:04,960 so blinded by not getting what I needed or wanted 882 00:53:05,119 --> 00:53:08,280 or whatever. You know that when our name, when our 883 00:53:09,119 --> 00:53:12,639 we're not totally in the game, you know, aa wise, 884 00:53:12,760 --> 00:53:15,519 you know, like on the beam, when I'm just sitting 885 00:53:15,519 --> 00:53:19,960 in righteous anger, that like maybe I am wrong, maybe 886 00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:22,719 I am Maybe I could be a little kinder or 887 00:53:22,760 --> 00:53:25,920 a little bit more compassionate at the pain he's in 888 00:53:26,119 --> 00:53:28,039 or the this or the that, or let him seep 889 00:53:28,039 --> 00:53:30,320 engine in or let him you know, all of these 890 00:53:30,320 --> 00:53:34,679 different things. So you know, we're a work in progress 891 00:53:34,800 --> 00:53:35,519 right always. 892 00:53:36,079 --> 00:53:39,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, but wow, this has been so enlightening and I'm 893 00:53:39,480 --> 00:53:42,000 so glad. I I don't I don't think I've ever 894 00:53:42,119 --> 00:53:45,239 heard your whole story ever from begin I mean i've share, 895 00:53:45,320 --> 00:53:48,599 but I've never heard the whole story. And I loved it. 896 00:53:49,159 --> 00:53:50,679 And I think this is going to help a lot 897 00:53:50,679 --> 00:53:53,000 of people. This is why I do it, you know, good, 898 00:53:53,159 --> 00:53:56,840 I sure hope. So I so appreciate you, And yeah, 899 00:53:56,920 --> 00:53:59,679 I appreciate you. And if there's any way you want 900 00:53:59,679 --> 00:54:02,599 to prom promote yourself for anything, like if you want. 901 00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:06,599 Speaker 2: More, okay, okay, no problem. If anybody wants to be 902 00:54:06,599 --> 00:54:10,519 a slight incident, come see me, Okay, that's about it. 903 00:54:10,559 --> 00:54:13,400 Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, love you girl, Thank you so. 904 00:54:13,440 --> 00:54:16,159 Speaker 2: Many years of self promotion. I'm good. 905 00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:20,840 Speaker 1: No no background work on any soap operas these days. 906 00:54:21,360 --> 00:54:24,079 Speaker 2: No, no, if any if anybody wants me in their 907 00:54:24,079 --> 00:54:26,840 green room during cocaine, I'm your girl. 908 00:54:28,280 --> 00:54:31,119 Speaker 1: Okay, Thanks Danielle, thanks everybody for listening, and we'll see 909 00:54:31,119 --> 00:54:31,760 you next week. 910 00:54:32,159 --> 00:54:32,320 Speaker 2: Ye