Speaker 1: Welcome to men, sex and tantra.
Speaker 2: Discover where your parents, porn and religion never taught you
Speaker 2: about being a man and having extraordinary sex. You get
Speaker 2: ready to have your mind blown and your world rocked.
Speaker 2: And we're back. Farrin is a badass because you know,
Speaker 2: instead of bailing saying, you know, fuck that, that was horrifying.
Speaker 2: Time I have a note to it's doing any more
Speaker 2: of this? What are you gonna do? We're gonna dreads
Speaker 2: up all of the crap. Thanks so much.
Speaker 1: Straight.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you've been coaching with me long enough to
Speaker 2: know we don't go shallow on anything.
Speaker 1: Yeah, away, go deep?
Speaker 2: Why exactly? Okay, so we're jumping into the next part here,
Speaker 2: which also has some vulnerable moments of for you when
Speaker 2: you're like Dan, the whole thing is like intensive intensive coaching.
Speaker 2: One hold one, you didn't know that? Welcome to all right,
Speaker 2: Yeah there you go. Yeah this is what Yeah, this
Speaker 2: is what it. Uh, let's scare scare everybody off. Well,
Speaker 2: hell no, If this is what coaching with her is, like,
Speaker 2: god shit, your.
Speaker 1: Seat belt on, grab a helmet, you're doing it.
Speaker 2: Yeah No, I can be gentle sometimes too, But so
Speaker 2: Kate got the you know, walked out in the divorce.
Speaker 2: Now we're coming to post divorce. You've got your own
Speaker 2: space whatever. We know. We just said that the collateral
Speaker 2: damage in this was big in the sense of your
Speaker 2: son cutting cutting communication off. That was and that's a
Speaker 2: fear that people have, right, it's a real.
Speaker 3: Yeah, catastrophic, it's it's yeah, that was. That was the
Speaker 3: roughest thing. It still is. I mean, it's still still
Speaker 3: super raw. But at the same time, I found myself
Speaker 3: in that process, so I would I would do it
Speaker 3: over again. Unfortunately not Unfortunately, I'm not going to apologize
Speaker 3: for it. I lost my son, but I didn't lose
Speaker 3: myself and I got a really good relationship with my
Speaker 3: daughter now that I didn't have before. So certain things
Speaker 3: went up, certain things went down. But at the same time,
Speaker 3: I'm not living in the beautiful, gray, rainy hell hole
Speaker 3: of Washington, and so I'm living somewhere it's sunny and.
Speaker 2: We should probably let you know, So you don't think
Speaker 2: Farren's life is traumatic. Farren actually, like you know, monetarily
Speaker 2: knocked it out of the park. So since then, he's
Speaker 2: monetarily knocked it out of the park. Living the life
Speaker 2: of his dreams, he sends me photos all the time, Bullies, Philippines,
Speaker 2: whatever the fuck. He's living a pretty freaking amazing life.
Speaker 2: So just know that on the other side of that
Speaker 2: came some pretty awesome things too. But let's go back
Speaker 2: to the hell first.
Speaker 1: We're out, We're out, We're we're time. I like this storyline.
Speaker 1: It's way easier to talk about. Yeah, it's it's.
Speaker 3: If you're gonna go through the divorce and you're gonna
Speaker 3: go really go into it and understand it's gonna be painful,
Speaker 3: of course, and it's gonna change and drastically change yourself.
Speaker 3: But like, if you get coaching from like Utanya, it's
Speaker 3: going to teach you how to become a better version
Speaker 3: of yourself. And I think that's what everybody wants out
Speaker 3: of themselves. They want to be the best version because
Speaker 3: once they're a better version of themselves, they can be
Speaker 3: a better parent, they can be a better business owner,
Speaker 3: they get a better partner. And tell you you're willing
Speaker 3: to step into that void or the abyss, you're just
Speaker 3: not going to be there. You're not going to grow
Speaker 3: because you have to become a different version of yourself.
Speaker 3: And it's like It's like I don't hate the onion analogy,
Speaker 3: but it's a challenging spot because you're gonna have to
Speaker 3: look in the mirror and be like, I don't like
Speaker 3: the person I am. I need to step into another
Speaker 3: kind of costume, so to speak, if I want to
Speaker 3: level up my life, because this life right now that
Speaker 3: I'm living with my wife or husband or whatever it
Speaker 3: might be, is is not working.
Speaker 1: And so therefore I've got to change.
Speaker 3: And that's the only way it's going to change if
Speaker 3: I change, because the other partner clearly doesn't want to change.
Speaker 1: If you've done whatever in that process and it was rough,
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm a lot of people that I've ran
Speaker 1: into if I ran into my ex wife, or I'm
Speaker 1: a totally different person. I put on like seventeen pounds
Speaker 1: of muscle, I sold my company.
Speaker 3: I've traveled. I just spent fifty five days traveling in
Speaker 3: a row. Yeah, like you said, Philippines belize Mexico all over.
Speaker 3: I'm a lot calmer in my own skin, which I
Speaker 3: didn't know was possible. I didn't even know that exists,
Speaker 3: that world existed. And then I'm a lot more confident.
Speaker 3: I know I'm not making a lot of eye contact
Speaker 3: right now, but I make more eye contact with people.
Speaker 1: You're like one of the intimidating people. It's hard to
Speaker 1: be like most and it's I'm a lot more confident
Speaker 1: and more comfortable in my own.
Speaker 3: Skin and like learning different like the word no. Of
Speaker 3: course we talked about a little bit and learning how
Speaker 3: to be myself and stand up for myself and really
Speaker 3: honor myself. And I think once you do that, people
Speaker 3: start seeing you differently. But you you show up better
Speaker 3: for your kids. Your kids start showing up differently in
Speaker 3: their world because you're there. You're seeing more of a
Speaker 3: strong male figure. And so if you show up better,
Speaker 3: everything around you starts showing up better and you and
Speaker 3: your life gets better. Just you have to learn that
Speaker 3: you're gonna have to build yourself from where you are,
Speaker 3: and he destroyed the old version of yourself to become
Speaker 3: the better version. And so it's not easy. But man,
Speaker 3: I love my life. I'd like I've said, I've told
Speaker 3: you probably that.
Speaker 2: I get those I know, I get those great texts
Speaker 2: that are like I'm so grateful, look at that. That's
Speaker 2: always a beautiful thing. All right, So let's take a moment,
Speaker 2: take a breath, because you know, I know that we're
Speaker 2: we're hitting a lot of vulnerable stuff and I'm proud
Speaker 2: of you. So take a breath, because I'm going to
Speaker 2: say so. The road to learning know was not easy
Speaker 2: because yes, he's laughing, taking a drink, he's going, holy shit,
Speaker 2: I'm sweating. God damn it, he's got Carls somebody, somebody's
Speaker 2: calling him on the phone. Okay, So once you had
Speaker 2: left and you walked out and you're in your own space,
Speaker 2: we weren't out of the woods because sadly, you had
Speaker 2: chosen another strategy of not being on.
Speaker 1: Your own yet totally avoidant. Yes.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and so you were already it started. You started
Speaker 2: a relationship pretty quick. Yeah, And I was yelling no, no, no,
Speaker 2: trying to talk you out of that as hard as
Speaker 2: I could talk you out of that. In fact, one night,
Speaker 2: I actually pushed you so hard you told me what
Speaker 2: you told me.
Speaker 1: No, I know, I know, it was fucking dope. No, Yes,
Speaker 1: I said no.
Speaker 3: And it was the first time I didn't even realize
Speaker 3: you pushed me really hard. I was crying and such.
Speaker 1: But it was a place that I didn't even know existed,
Speaker 1: which is amazing.
Speaker 3: When you have a coach like you that makes you
Speaker 3: go to places you didn't even know where they're there.
Speaker 3: And so when I learned the word no, because you're
Speaker 3: asking me to break up with this girl, or not
Speaker 3: break up with her, but just not see her, and
Speaker 3: I was like, I can't do that. After we took
Speaker 3: a big space of time, I didn't even know, like
Speaker 3: we went on a conversation for like an hour after that,
Speaker 3: I did not.
Speaker 1: Know no was an option.
Speaker 3: And so growing up, like the trauma response was I
Speaker 3: just put your head down and muscle through.
Speaker 1: And that's what I saw my dad, and that's what
Speaker 1: and I was just repeating the.
Speaker 3: Whole pattern I learned, and uh, and then you taught
Speaker 3: me no, and I looked back and went fuck man.
Speaker 3: I was with my wife for twenty five years and
Speaker 3: I didn't I don't think I ever said no to her,
Speaker 3: and I don't even I didn't even know that was
Speaker 3: an option. I literally did not know that was an option,
Speaker 3: which seems so weird. Normal people like yourself or or well,
Speaker 3: you know, well educated in this space. But for a
Speaker 3: person that's just an average Joe that went through trauma,
Speaker 3: I didn't know. I didn't know you could say no.
Speaker 3: So learning that was game changing, life changing, and I'm
Speaker 3: still working on It's not an easy word to use,
Speaker 3: but I'm a hell of a lot more strong and
Speaker 3: comfortable with that word than I was in the last
Speaker 3: you know, year or something when I was learning it,
Speaker 3: or the year after the divorce.
Speaker 2: Yeah. So basically what had happened was you were in
Speaker 2: a situation where somebody was making you feel good and
Speaker 2: way better than your wife. And of course you've been
Speaker 2: through like, you know, emotional void, you know, sexual dissatisfy,
Speaker 2: all these things in your marriage, and now all of
Speaker 2: a sudden, somebody shows up and they're here to you know,
Speaker 2: when I said, way too soon, way too soon for
Speaker 2: you to be involved in any of that, because you
Speaker 2: hadn't really changed all the behaviors that got you in
Speaker 2: the first one. Yeah, in the first place. And you know,
Speaker 2: and I'm adamant when I'm coaching somebody the difference. I'm
Speaker 2: a strategist, right, I'm not a therapist, and so I
Speaker 2: get to say things like I don't think that's a
Speaker 2: good idea, that's a dumb ass idea. I don't think
Speaker 2: you can do that. And so I appreciated the fact
Speaker 2: that basically I knew that without a no, that everything
Speaker 2: you were going to do is always going to be
Speaker 2: about avoiding conflict, like that the word to say no,
Speaker 2: without even a lot of explanation, just using the word.
Speaker 2: So that in that coaching session, yeah, I push you.
Speaker 2: I was like, you need to not be with her,
Speaker 2: you need to do this, you need to let go
Speaker 2: get you know, And I pushed, and I don't do that.
Speaker 2: In all you know, we knew each other, we have
Speaker 2: built some trust, and you just like, yeah, you were
Speaker 2: crying and all of a sudden you were like no.
Speaker 2: And then I stopped and smiled.
Speaker 1: I was like, what the hell do you put yodaed me? Man?
Speaker 3: Soon I would say yoda me and I got Yeah.
Speaker 3: It was fun, I mean, life changing, game changing. So
Speaker 3: I appreciate it. Yeah, it wasn't easy. The anything in
Speaker 3: worth in life is going to be challenging.
Speaker 2: It's well, growth is challenging, right, anytime we're breaking out
Speaker 2: of a pattern, it's really challenging. But that, yeah, so
Speaker 2: you had that no all of a sudden, it was
Speaker 2: like wow, So I think we started it. You know,
Speaker 2: you stayed in the relationship. I mean, you know, ultimately
Speaker 2: I support what people do, even if I have strong
Speaker 2: opinions about it. Yeah, but I supported that when you
Speaker 2: said no, you weren't going to stop. I'm like, all right.
Speaker 2: And then, but we started smaller by using no at work,
Speaker 2: So you started to use in your company and your business,
Speaker 2: starting to say no to things and no to people,
Speaker 2: and just learning how to say that word without a
Speaker 2: whole lot of up in front and behind, Like.
Speaker 3: Doesn't have to be something huge because you need to
Speaker 3: practice it. Like you mentioned it, it's a muscle and
Speaker 3: you have to get better. You know, you'll get stronger
Speaker 3: with it the more you use it. So it's even
Speaker 3: stupid things like people, yeah, in business or restaurant or whatever.
Speaker 3: You know, it's because it's not something you're used to
Speaker 3: and not something you're comfortable with, and not something you've
Speaker 3: ever seen.
Speaker 2: Turn those two I statements.
Speaker 1: Oh, I mean it's I growing up, I didn't see
Speaker 1: that ever. I never heard my dad say no.
Speaker 3: I never heard all these different things, and so like
Speaker 3: I I didn't know what that word was. It's like
Speaker 3: giving a kid a like a chainsaw. I me be like,
Speaker 3: go outside and cut some trees down, and you're like,
Speaker 3: I don't know how to use this thing. And that's
Speaker 3: literally where I was just like, Okay, I'm gonna cut
Speaker 3: a twig and I'm gonna keep moving on and try
Speaker 3: to learn what I'm doing. And I would I didn't
Speaker 3: know understand that the word. I know it sounds stupid
Speaker 3: and I know it sounds just just it's a different
Speaker 3: space that I wasn't comfortable with. And so it was
Speaker 3: just stepping into that unknown space and being like, Okay, she.
Speaker 1: Gave me the tool. She said, this is how you
Speaker 1: use it.
Speaker 3: No, And I think the thing it was great with
Speaker 3: you is you don't have to say no in an explanation.
Speaker 3: You can say no, period and that's just done. And
Speaker 3: I always felt like, holy shit, that's even more powerful
Speaker 3: because I don't have to tell them why. I'm just like, hey,
Speaker 3: let's do X or why is and you're like, no, no,
Speaker 3: not doing it And it's so hard.
Speaker 2: It actually so just so you know, it is one
Speaker 2: of the hardest things that almost everybody has to do.
Speaker 2: I mean, you know, coming from trauma where you never
Speaker 2: saw it is absolutely a thing. And that's the conflict
Speaker 2: avoidant thing, right. Yeah, for anybody, it's like we're taught
Speaker 2: that a no without an explanation is impolite and considerate, selfish,
Speaker 2: like there's so many right toddlers though, But we we
Speaker 2: do it automatically when we're young.
Speaker 3: No.
Speaker 2: What comes out of like two and whatever. No is
Speaker 2: that they write books about Now can the pigeon drive
Speaker 2: the bus? No? You know, because we love saying it.
Speaker 2: It's our first piece of autonomy and independence is this
Speaker 2: word no. And we don't explain it when we're young
Speaker 2: at that, we're not that verbal. We just yell the
Speaker 2: word no. Everything's no, even if you want it, you're
Speaker 2: yelling no at it because it feels like there's a choice.
Speaker 2: So usually people that have a really hard time with
Speaker 2: no had choices taken away. Okay, makes sense, that's pretty Yeah.
Speaker 2: So you would say no as a kid and it
Speaker 2: didn't matter.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you're because I was.
Speaker 3: That's very interesting, you see that because I was the
Speaker 3: youngest of four kids, and so I didn't really have any.
Speaker 1: Words to say. It was just what you're going along to,
Speaker 1: get along to it. Who cares? You're the youngest, fair
Speaker 1: and suck it up. Awesome.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so you just learned to, like you said, suck
Speaker 2: it up, learn to just handle it, learn to like whatever,
Speaker 2: and no matter how uncomfortable or sad, lonely, unfulfilled you felt,
Speaker 2: it didn't really.
Speaker 1: Matter, did not matter.
Speaker 3: No, it wasn't even an option. Yeah it was also
Speaker 3: you know, growing up for lack of food and stuff.
Speaker 3: There's a bunch of different things associated with that. But
Speaker 3: you just did it. Yeah, you had no control, no control.
Speaker 3: It's like, okay, I suck it up so that I
Speaker 3: used that playbook or recipe or programming forever and then
Speaker 3: because it got me here.
Speaker 1: But what got you here is not going to get
Speaker 1: you there.
Speaker 3: And so like using the same old I learned or
Speaker 3: a good analogy I recently thought of, it's like using
Speaker 3: an old Windows doss one point to try to the
Speaker 3: system now. And it's like you got to upgrade your software. Man,
Speaker 3: if you want to be a better version.
Speaker 2: Of yourself, change Mac.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: So the problem is if you don't don't understand that,
Speaker 3: I mean, you're never going to get where you want
Speaker 3: to go. Because if I want to own property all
Speaker 3: over the world, there's all these different things I want
Speaker 3: to do and I I can't do it with the
Speaker 3: old operating system.
Speaker 1: So I have to learn the skills.
Speaker 3: Like you're talking about and I have to upgrade my
Speaker 3: internal being and my calmness and my comfortability with conflict
Speaker 3: and all these different words and like pick the no
Speaker 3: and then calming down your central nervous system. Those things
Speaker 3: are lifetime skills you learn, and so once you learn them,
Speaker 3: you implement them. It starts changing your life. But it's
Speaker 3: not easy, but it's it's well worth it.
Speaker 1: Man.
Speaker 3: If you're going to be here and you want to succeed,
Speaker 3: whatever that means for you, you want as many tools
Speaker 3: as possible.
Speaker 2: Right, Well, and that brings me to kind of like,
Speaker 2: let's let's let me see what I want to dive into.
Speaker 2: I think the so the no is a boundary is
Speaker 2: about learning boundaries for sure, and conflict avoidant people don't
Speaker 2: tend to have boundaries. They tend to just like they
Speaker 2: create a conflict, right, A boundary equals a conflict. So
Speaker 2: tell me tell me a little bit more like even
Speaker 2: if so, let's take let's take the boundary that we
Speaker 2: talked about with your son. When all of a sudden
Speaker 2: your son started Navarro started showing up from no, no contact,
Speaker 2: no whatever, didn't want to engage at you at all,
Speaker 2: but wanted a car. Yeah, for sure, well, yeah, so
Speaker 2: talk a little bit about that, like how hard that
Speaker 2: was to start putting that financial Yeah, that.
Speaker 1: Was super rough on for a variety of reasons.
Speaker 3: But him, him, I knew what he was doing, but
Speaker 3: at the same time, I wanted his love so much
Speaker 3: I was willing again do the same trauma loop like
Speaker 3: just eat shit sort of speak. And so he wanted
Speaker 3: a car, and so he was talking to me and
Speaker 3: texting me and stuff, and I really wanted to meet
Speaker 3: up with him, and I said, hey, let's go to
Speaker 3: a counselor let's do whatever you need to do, and
Speaker 3: he's like being all nice. And then so at bottom
Speaker 3: of a car, my wife and I went in on
Speaker 3: bottom of a car and not anything I wanted to buy,
Speaker 3: but something he wanted, which is astronomically stupid car. But nonetheless,
Speaker 3: he was manipulating me to get a car, and I
Speaker 3: was trying to manipulate him with money to stay in
Speaker 3: his life. And it was when you had to explain
Speaker 3: that to me about four hundred and seventeen times, I think,
Speaker 3: and I didn't understand what I was doing, and I
Speaker 3: didn't understand I was using money as a tool to
Speaker 3: keep him kind of in my web sort of speak.
Speaker 3: So that that was having me have to unprogram myself
Speaker 3: and go, shit, I'm using you know, money as a tool,
Speaker 3: and it's not a healthy tool to try to keep
Speaker 3: him in my life. So stepping away from that and
Speaker 3: letting him go was so freeing for me on a
Speaker 3: million different ways, emotionally freeing, but it was very, very rough.
Speaker 3: But seeing that I didn't have to use any tool
Speaker 3: if someone does, not just for my son, but if
Speaker 3: someone doesn't want to be in.
Speaker 1: My life, they don't need to be in my life's.
Speaker 3: And so I'd use that what I learned from him,
Speaker 3: and that situation was like I use it in a
Speaker 3: lot of places other places with you know, next girlfriends
Speaker 3: and things like that. If you're not willing to work
Speaker 3: and be a part of my life, you don't need
Speaker 3: to be part of my life. And that goes from
Speaker 3: my other child as well and anybody in my life.
Speaker 3: So that that learning that skill change my life, and
Speaker 3: it still impacts everywhere because if you only have so
Speaker 3: many times, so many days, weeks, months, years left, and
Speaker 3: so I don't want to waste time with people people
Speaker 3: don't want to be in my life, and I'm not
Speaker 3: going to work my ass to have you in my life.
Speaker 3: I'm like, we're going to make this happen together, or
Speaker 3: we're not going to make it.
Speaker 1: Happen at all.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I know that that. You know that the
Speaker 2: craving for love, you know whoever it's from, the craving
Speaker 2: for love, the craving for acceptance, the craving for belonging,
Speaker 2: the craving for not being an asshole, whatever it is. Right,
Speaker 2: there are a lot of strategies that all of us
Speaker 2: can use to fill that void. And you might think that,
Speaker 2: you know, that's the void you want you want to
Speaker 2: do when you have your kid. And I remember that
Speaker 2: we actually talked to because my daughter Ethne at the
Speaker 2: time was a few years older, right, uh, But I
Speaker 2: asked her, we talked about that, like what did she
Speaker 2: have to say, And she's like, yeah, you just got
Speaker 2: to let him go. You can't. You know, the strategy
Speaker 2: of trying to text to keep in contact even if
Speaker 2: it's like looks good, Oh, I just want to tell
Speaker 2: you I love you, miss you. You know, oh yeah, sure,
Speaker 2: let's get a car. Oh, I want to come see
Speaker 2: your game. You know, all of the things that we
Speaker 2: want to do. The hang on to somebody who's clearly
Speaker 2: saying yea on space, nothing on space. We have to
Speaker 2: let them have that consequence.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but it's it's rough because you're the one that's
Speaker 3: forcing that to happen. I mean, they want this, but
Speaker 3: you do want to be in their life, and they're
Speaker 3: you know, the teenage years go by so quick and
Speaker 3: it's the only time there ever that teenage a vulnerable
Speaker 3: year and impressionable in.
Speaker 1: That time period.
Speaker 3: But at the same time, when they don't want to
Speaker 3: be around you, it's like, well, screw it, you don't
Speaker 3: want to be around me, I don't want to be
Speaker 3: around you.
Speaker 1: Let's just exit stage left and see what happens.
Speaker 3: And it's rough, but I'm a lot freeer and I
Speaker 3: don't have that emotional entanglement with him as much. I mean,
Speaker 3: I ask about his school and ask about how he's
Speaker 3: doing a my ex wife, of course is I could
Speaker 3: use all kinds of adjectives, but not helpful in that process.
Speaker 1: And so, but it doesn't rip.
Speaker 3: Me apart emotionally anymore because I've learned how to give that.
Speaker 3: Like you're saying a boundary, I created it, or you
Speaker 3: helped me create a boundary, and so I don't feel
Speaker 3: like my I'm super vulnerable in that space anymore. So
Speaker 3: he doesn't respond. I send them text message, I send them,
Speaker 3: you know, gifts or whatever, and doesn't respond, And just
Speaker 3: like I go, Okay, well I try it again. I'm
Speaker 3: gonna try again in six months forever, and then I
Speaker 3: move on with my day.
Speaker 1: It doesn't destroy me. It did the first year.
Speaker 2: Or two, and it doesn't. And if it wasn't your son,
Speaker 2: if it was somebody else, it also doesn't allow you.
Speaker 2: And the word you use manipulate because we don't tend
Speaker 2: to think of people, you know, manipulating, but the reality
Speaker 2: is manipulation isn't always conscious either, like we can manipulate
Speaker 2: people subconsciously as well, and you know payback. So for
Speaker 2: a son who was his age when you divorced, and
Speaker 2: mother who doesn't have emotional regulation, the son then steps
Speaker 2: into the mother allows the son to step into the
Speaker 2: protector space, which then one hundred percent is now the
Speaker 2: whole like I hate my dad, my dad's fucked up
Speaker 2: my whole life, my mother's destroyed. You become the absolute asshole,
Speaker 2: horrible person, and so the pain, instead of dealing with
Speaker 2: the pain your son would then be without boundaries, buying
Speaker 2: into the hate that your wife keeps still project even now, like, well,
Speaker 2: my daughter's father, it's and my daughter's twenty one, and
Speaker 2: you know, we broke up when she was two and
Speaker 2: then we haven't. She didn't have contact since she was
Speaker 2: like six, or I mean, he's still when she when
Speaker 2: last time she visited him, said oh my god, that
Speaker 2: reminds me of your mom. And what the hell, dude,
Speaker 2: he's married. He's been married for a decade now, Like,
Speaker 2: what the hell, dude, move on. That's you know, that
Speaker 2: can seriously poison a lot of stuff. So, like I said,
Speaker 2: I believe that at some point you're holding boundaries around
Speaker 2: this and not allowing yourself to be stepped on squish
Speaker 2: emotionally manipulated is actually a better lesson in the long
Speaker 2: run for your kid.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think I think you're right. That's you're right,
Speaker 3: that's a good example me being a better example for him.
Speaker 3: I agree, And it's just not healthy for me. So
Speaker 3: at the end of the day, I mean, I always this.
Speaker 3: I don't know, it's challenging because I always think about death.
Speaker 3: Sounds weird, but since I got suicidal at one point,
Speaker 3: I think about death. And I've had friends die and
Speaker 3: they're murdered in their twenties, but also die in their
Speaker 3: forties and fifties like heart attacks, And I'm like, man,
Speaker 3: you do not know how many days you have left.
Speaker 3: Why stay in a relationship that's terrible that's just destroying
Speaker 3: you in the process, or a child that's just destroying
Speaker 3: you in the process. It's just not worth it. It's
Speaker 3: just not worth it because if you die, you're done,
Speaker 3: You're cashed in. So it's like, you got to take
Speaker 3: care of yourself and your mental well mental health and
Speaker 3: well being is it's got to be paramount. It's got
Speaker 3: to be number one. It's like people don't specifically in
Speaker 3: the US, I think, and I'm not sure if it's
Speaker 3: other places, but they don't teach how to be selfish
Speaker 3: and make it a positive thing and not a negative thing.
Speaker 1: And it's a it's such a positive thing. You have
Speaker 1: to take care of yourself first and then you can
Speaker 1: take care of other people. In the US, it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: you got to take care of everybody, blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: That's that's bullshit in my mind.
Speaker 3: At least, if you don't take care your health, physical mental, psychological, financial, etc.
Speaker 1: You can't help anybody else, you're just half ass in it.
Speaker 2: Well, it's self care not solfish, right, So I mean,
Speaker 2: you know, self care is not selfish. There's nothing that's
Speaker 2: selfish about self care because once again I mean it,
Speaker 2: you are no good to anybody when you operate from
Speaker 2: a stance of it has to be, you know, beyond me.
Speaker 2: It's like I have to sacrifice myself to show that
Speaker 2: I'm a good person, or that I'm lovable or I'm worthwhile,
Speaker 2: or that people like me whatever the fuck it is,
Speaker 2: or even my kid will love me. I mean, you know,
Speaker 2: I see a lot of people being manipulated by their children,
Speaker 2: and I know, now this might you know, there might
Speaker 2: be people listening to this going you don't understand what
Speaker 2: is love to love a child? Well, I said, I
Speaker 2: have a twenty one year old and we have an
Speaker 2: epic relationship that people are always saying, how did you
Speaker 2: have that kind of relationship with your kid? And I'm like,
Speaker 2: I had boundaries. My child knew that basically I'm not
Speaker 2: going to be manipulated, and I taught her how not
Speaker 2: to be gilted or manipulated by other people. Yeah, and uh,
Speaker 2: and still to know in her that I insisted even
Speaker 2: her grandparents actually listened to, which was no easy feet.
Speaker 2: So just saying so, I think I showed her that
Speaker 2: I care for myself and if she's going to abuse that,
Speaker 2: then there's no go there happening. Right. It's like, so
Speaker 2: your kids, you're, you're, anybody that you're around is out
Speaker 2: in the world, living the world, and in the safest
Speaker 2: place that they can have consequences is with you, is
Speaker 2: with somebody that loves them.
Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure, you're never going to actually walk away
Speaker 3: from technically, but you're going to step away like.
Speaker 2: Hey, right, that's why I said your door is open. Yeah,
Speaker 2: for sure, if he stepped through that door, you would say, well,
Speaker 2: let's see what we have. And if he decided to
Speaker 2: be an asshole dick in a manipulator, you'd be like, yes,
Speaker 2: and now we still don't see when you you know
Speaker 2: which is which is good because you know when your
Speaker 2: when your parents teach you how to manipulate other people,
Speaker 2: and your parents teach you how to do that stuff,
Speaker 2: that's not going to go over so great in other
Speaker 2: relationships in the world.
Speaker 3: Because you have all those relationships in different areas you
Speaker 3: get relationship with a guy that's working on your house,
Speaker 3: the relationship in business, you got an intimate relationship.
Speaker 1: You're going to try to use that same skill set
Speaker 1: somewhere else. But I learned it really good.
Speaker 3: It's not I don't have a direct quote, but the
Speaker 3: ideas recently, and it was most people think about the
Speaker 3: relationships you have and how did the person make you feel?
Speaker 3: And that's important, of course, but I think it's really
Speaker 3: important how did you show up?
Speaker 1: Do you show up better? And do you feel better
Speaker 1: about yourself when you're with that person, meaning a child
Speaker 1: or intimate relationship. I think that's awesome.
Speaker 3: I think that's even more powerful because if you're showing
Speaker 3: up being the best version of yourself and you feel
Speaker 3: very powerful and empowered, and that I think is awesome.
Speaker 3: That that person's not making you feel way I feel
Speaker 3: a certain way, but it also that person's allowing you
Speaker 3: to be the best version of yourself. And that's I
Speaker 3: think what you really want out of any relationship with
Speaker 3: your you know, with your boss, or with your anybody,
Speaker 3: your wife, your kids, or whatever.
Speaker 2: So then tell me give them a takeaway on that
Speaker 2: and just hang on to you think about that for
Speaker 2: a minute, I'm gonna drop in and say what you
Speaker 2: said was really powerful, right there. People can't. I mean,
Speaker 2: we have feeling. Feelings or feelings happen all the time.
Speaker 2: In fact, the longest feeling you'll ever have is ninety seconds. Literally,
Speaker 2: our days are like whoop, woop, whoo whoop. Our feelings
Speaker 2: are all over the place. And so just because you
Speaker 2: feel a certain way, first of all, they say, nobody
Speaker 2: can make you feel something. We are in charge of that.
Speaker 2: But just because you feel a certain way around somebody
Speaker 2: or they make you feel good, doesn't actually mean it's
Speaker 2: good for you. And that is a really hard lesson.
Speaker 2: We're going to talk about that lesson you learned in
Speaker 2: the next episode. But give a takeaway in this process
Speaker 2: of this know in this boundary that we talked about,
Speaker 2: what would you tell men that are listening something tangible
Speaker 2: they could start doing.
Speaker 3: They could start doing if the hard yeah, there's a
Speaker 3: lot of stuff you can start doing, but I really
Speaker 3: like the also the kind of nice aspect. The I
Speaker 3: would say, if you're going to start out with the no,
Speaker 3: and you understand what no means, and if you're not
Speaker 3: comfortable with it, start using that muscle in a lot
Speaker 3: of places, like literally like at the restaurant and they're like, hey,
Speaker 3: i' and this is just simple stuff, just super simple,
Speaker 3: stupid stuff. I would say stupid stuff, but just super
Speaker 3: simple stuff that can get you used to using.
Speaker 1: The word no. So like, let's say that the waiter or.
Speaker 3: The stewardess or whatever the people are called, we're going
Speaker 3: to take you to a restaurant and sit you at
Speaker 3: a seat, and you're like, I really don't like that seat,
Speaker 3: but I don't like to tell them.
Speaker 1: Just use the word no, and that that action, little action.
Speaker 3: It sounds weird, but if you've never had that skill set,
Speaker 3: because I'm used to eating shit my whole life, I'm like, okay,
Speaker 3: now I've gotten used to know, and I'm like I
Speaker 3: do it everywhere.
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, and it's and it's my thing.
Speaker 3: When I grew up with k with the family being
Speaker 3: traumatic and stuff, and when conflict was it went from
Speaker 3: zero to fistfights, and so I didn't I never wanted that.
Speaker 3: But there's really it really isn't that bad. So once
Speaker 3: you get past that, it's not going to be that bad.
Speaker 3: No everywhere, yeah, just fun.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So basically you're yeah, you're reprogramming the old pattern,
Speaker 2: which was life is chaotic and unpredictable and if somebody
Speaker 2: is not happy, you could die.
Speaker 3: Yeah, there could be anything. Push down the stairs and I
Speaker 3: don't pick my dad down the stairs one time. So
Speaker 3: it's like you bring that instantly to your forefront and
Speaker 3: so so oh it's really powerful.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I like how you told them to start
Speaker 2: can start small and non personal spaces, you know, because yeah,
Speaker 2: no in personal spaces is harder, but in non personal spaces,
Speaker 2: looking for the opportunities to say no and not at first,
Speaker 2: you're going to want to add a bunch of stuff.
Speaker 2: I think it was really funny. But one of the
Speaker 2: first times I said no, there was a conversation going
Speaker 2: on and people turn around and looked at me and said, so,
Speaker 2: do you want to do this? And I said no,
Speaker 2: And there's this really long, awkward silence because they're looking
Speaker 2: at me now to fill in the why right, And
Speaker 2: literally I'm looking at them and they're looking at me,
Speaker 2: and then heads kind of cock and then and then
Speaker 2: I can see like all this happening, this waiting, this expecting,
Speaker 2: and then when it was clear I wasn't gonna explain,
Speaker 2: then there was that weirdness that happened like oh and
Speaker 2: then people I saw browse furrow and kind of like
Speaker 2: a pullback and like, you know not so if I
Speaker 2: interpreted it all, it's like the first is and and
Speaker 2: then after the end didn't get mad. It was like, well,
Speaker 2: what the like seriously just like no, like what rude?
Speaker 2: Are you?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: What the hell is going on? You mad? Like all
Speaker 2: of these things happening, And so learning to be uncomfortable
Speaker 2: in that space is paramount. It's going to be awkward
Speaker 2: and uncomfortable, especially if you are a conflict avoidant because
Speaker 2: you have never said no, and if you had, you
Speaker 2: set it up, and then you frequently change your mind
Speaker 2: when everybody's unhappy that you said no. You just are
Speaker 2: taught and learned that no is not an acceptable thing,
Speaker 2: so you lie to people. Here's the other problem. You
Speaker 2: become a really great fucking liar. And if you listen
Speaker 2: to the three episodes ago on self love and whatever,
Speaker 2: you know why lying to yourself that way eroades your
Speaker 2: self confidence, your self trust, your self love, and it
Speaker 2: tell you what else it does that people don't talk
Speaker 2: about nobody fucking respects you exactly. So you so you
Speaker 2: will draw all of the leeches, all of the users,
Speaker 2: all of the fucking people. You will be the ultimate victim. Yeah,
Speaker 2: so you I'm going to mirror you with the yes
Speaker 2: to do the yes being the no. Yes yes, do
Speaker 2: the no. Go out and start practicing the know, get
Speaker 2: comfortable with the get comfortable with the awkwardness after the no.
Speaker 2: And if somebody. I just turned down a guy recently
Speaker 2: who was in pursuit of me, even though I kept,
Speaker 2: you know, not really giving him that sign. But when
Speaker 2: I finally said, so, we're gonna meet and I said no,
Speaker 2: and then he lost his shit. He was like, literally,
Speaker 2: this is not a challenge. I'm not challenging you, no
Speaker 2: challenge here. But he was like why why? Why?
Speaker 1: Wait?
Speaker 2: You know? And my note should have been enough, and
Speaker 2: only because I kind of dig the guy, like he's
Speaker 2: super funny and whatever did I bother to tell him
Speaker 2: my why? I said, dude, you know when you said
Speaker 2: when we meet and you if you don't like my
Speaker 2: body as long as I have boobs and can kiss,
Speaker 2: you're okay with that? Kind of lost me there.
Speaker 1: That question went down rather rapidly.
Speaker 2: Then he said that was an unfortunate statement. I realized
Speaker 2: right as it came out of my mouth that you
Speaker 2: would have done better to say that. Then anyway, no
Speaker 2: is okay. We don't have to explain it, We don't
Speaker 2: have to do that, and Barren and I will be back.