WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.400 --> 00:00:03.120 Welcome to men, sex and tantra. 2 00:00:03.680 --> 00:00:06.719 Discover where your parents, porn and religion never taught you 3 00:00:06.799 --> 00:00:10.080 about being a man and having extraordinary sex. You get 4 00:00:10.119 --> 00:00:13.080 ready to have your mind blown and your world rocked. 5 00:00:17.600 --> 00:00:21.079 And we're back. Farrin is a badass because you know, 6 00:00:21.120 --> 00:00:24.399 instead of bailing saying, you know, fuck that, that was horrifying. 7 00:00:24.480 --> 00:00:28.559 Time I have a note to it's doing any more 8 00:00:28.600 --> 00:00:30.320 of this? What are you gonna do? We're gonna dreads 9 00:00:30.399 --> 00:00:32.960 up all of the crap. Thanks so much. 10 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:34.320 Straight. 11 00:00:34.960 --> 00:00:39.640 Yeah, yeah, you've been coaching with me long enough to 12 00:00:39.640 --> 00:00:41.439 know we don't go shallow on anything. 13 00:00:41.560 --> 00:00:42.920 Yeah, away, go deep? 14 00:00:43.039 --> 00:00:48.719 Why exactly? Okay, so we're jumping into the next part here, 15 00:00:48.799 --> 00:00:52.399 which also has some vulnerable moments of for you when 16 00:00:52.600 --> 00:00:58.399 you're like Dan, the whole thing is like intensive intensive coaching. 17 00:00:58.399 --> 00:01:02.640 One hold one, you didn't know that? Welcome to all right, 18 00:01:02.840 --> 00:01:06.560 Yeah there you go. Yeah this is what Yeah, this 19 00:01:06.680 --> 00:01:09.319 is what it. Uh, let's scare scare everybody off. Well, 20 00:01:09.319 --> 00:01:11.359 hell no, If this is what coaching with her is, like, 21 00:01:12.519 --> 00:01:13.879 god shit, your. 22 00:01:13.760 --> 00:01:15.480 Seat belt on, grab a helmet, you're doing it. 23 00:01:15.840 --> 00:01:20.359 Yeah No, I can be gentle sometimes too, But so 24 00:01:21.560 --> 00:01:25.719 Kate got the you know, walked out in the divorce. 25 00:01:26.439 --> 00:01:29.319 Now we're coming to post divorce. You've got your own 26 00:01:29.439 --> 00:01:33.200 space whatever. We know. We just said that the collateral 27 00:01:33.319 --> 00:01:36.000 damage in this was big in the sense of your 28 00:01:36.079 --> 00:01:40.519 son cutting cutting communication off. That was and that's a 29 00:01:40.560 --> 00:01:42.920 fear that people have, right, it's a real. 30 00:01:43.680 --> 00:01:46.480 Yeah, catastrophic, it's it's yeah, that was. That was the 31 00:01:46.560 --> 00:01:48.680 roughest thing. It still is. I mean, it's still still 32 00:01:48.719 --> 00:01:51.480 super raw. But at the same time, I found myself 33 00:01:51.480 --> 00:01:53.120 in that process, so I would I would do it 34 00:01:53.120 --> 00:01:55.959 over again. Unfortunately not Unfortunately, I'm not going to apologize 35 00:01:56.000 --> 00:01:57.599 for it. I lost my son, but I didn't lose 36 00:01:57.599 --> 00:01:59.480 myself and I got a really good relationship with my 37 00:01:59.560 --> 00:02:02.439 daughter now that I didn't have before. So certain things 38 00:02:02.480 --> 00:02:05.159 went up, certain things went down. But at the same time, 39 00:02:05.200 --> 00:02:08.520 I'm not living in the beautiful, gray, rainy hell hole 40 00:02:08.639 --> 00:02:12.080 of Washington, and so I'm living somewhere it's sunny and. 41 00:02:12.039 --> 00:02:13.919 We should probably let you know, So you don't think 42 00:02:14.319 --> 00:02:18.919 Farren's life is traumatic. Farren actually, like you know, monetarily 43 00:02:19.000 --> 00:02:21.039 knocked it out of the park. So since then, he's 44 00:02:21.120 --> 00:02:23.680 monetarily knocked it out of the park. Living the life 45 00:02:23.719 --> 00:02:27.680 of his dreams, he sends me photos all the time, Bullies, Philippines, 46 00:02:27.719 --> 00:02:30.840 whatever the fuck. He's living a pretty freaking amazing life. 47 00:02:30.879 --> 00:02:33.039 So just know that on the other side of that 48 00:02:34.199 --> 00:02:36.960 came some pretty awesome things too. But let's go back 49 00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:38.080 to the hell first. 50 00:02:40.719 --> 00:02:44.360 We're out, We're out, We're we're time. I like this storyline. 51 00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:48.439 It's way easier to talk about. Yeah, it's it's. 52 00:02:47.759 --> 00:02:50.479 If you're gonna go through the divorce and you're gonna 53 00:02:50.479 --> 00:02:54.879 go really go into it and understand it's gonna be painful, 54 00:02:54.879 --> 00:02:57.439 of course, and it's gonna change and drastically change yourself. 55 00:02:57.479 --> 00:03:00.439 But like, if you get coaching from like Utanya, it's 56 00:03:00.439 --> 00:03:02.080 going to teach you how to become a better version 57 00:03:02.080 --> 00:03:04.759 of yourself. And I think that's what everybody wants out 58 00:03:04.800 --> 00:03:06.439 of themselves. They want to be the best version because 59 00:03:06.479 --> 00:03:08.520 once they're a better version of themselves, they can be 60 00:03:08.560 --> 00:03:10.280 a better parent, they can be a better business owner, 61 00:03:10.280 --> 00:03:13.560 they get a better partner. And tell you you're willing 62 00:03:13.560 --> 00:03:17.280 to step into that void or the abyss, you're just 63 00:03:17.319 --> 00:03:18.599 not going to be there. You're not going to grow 64 00:03:18.639 --> 00:03:20.599 because you have to become a different version of yourself. 65 00:03:20.960 --> 00:03:23.840 And it's like It's like I don't hate the onion analogy, 66 00:03:23.879 --> 00:03:27.240 but it's a challenging spot because you're gonna have to 67 00:03:27.280 --> 00:03:28.719 look in the mirror and be like, I don't like 68 00:03:28.759 --> 00:03:31.400 the person I am. I need to step into another 69 00:03:31.680 --> 00:03:33.319 kind of costume, so to speak, if I want to 70 00:03:33.360 --> 00:03:35.479 level up my life, because this life right now that 71 00:03:35.520 --> 00:03:37.599 I'm living with my wife or husband or whatever it 72 00:03:37.680 --> 00:03:40.159 might be, is is not working. 73 00:03:40.319 --> 00:03:41.840 And so therefore I've got to change. 74 00:03:41.840 --> 00:03:43.360 And that's the only way it's going to change if 75 00:03:43.400 --> 00:03:45.719 I change, because the other partner clearly doesn't want to change. 76 00:03:45.719 --> 00:03:48.960 If you've done whatever in that process and it was rough, 77 00:03:49.039 --> 00:03:52.280 I mean, I'm a lot of people that I've ran 78 00:03:52.319 --> 00:03:55.800 into if I ran into my ex wife, or I'm 79 00:03:55.840 --> 00:03:58.120 a totally different person. I put on like seventeen pounds 80 00:03:58.159 --> 00:03:59.879 of muscle, I sold my company. 81 00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:02.439 I've traveled. I just spent fifty five days traveling in 82 00:04:02.479 --> 00:04:06.759 a row. Yeah, like you said, Philippines belize Mexico all over. 83 00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:10.240 I'm a lot calmer in my own skin, which I 84 00:04:10.280 --> 00:04:12.759 didn't know was possible. I didn't even know that exists, 85 00:04:12.759 --> 00:04:15.479 that world existed. And then I'm a lot more confident. 86 00:04:15.800 --> 00:04:17.240 I know I'm not making a lot of eye contact 87 00:04:17.279 --> 00:04:19.720 right now, but I make more eye contact with people. 88 00:04:20.000 --> 00:04:21.759 You're like one of the intimidating people. It's hard to 89 00:04:21.759 --> 00:04:29.480 be like most and it's I'm a lot more confident 90 00:04:29.480 --> 00:04:30.680 and more comfortable in my own. 91 00:04:30.560 --> 00:04:32.839 Skin and like learning different like the word no. Of 92 00:04:32.839 --> 00:04:36.839 course we talked about a little bit and learning how 93 00:04:36.839 --> 00:04:39.600 to be myself and stand up for myself and really 94 00:04:39.639 --> 00:04:42.199 honor myself. And I think once you do that, people 95 00:04:42.240 --> 00:04:44.360 start seeing you differently. But you you show up better 96 00:04:44.360 --> 00:04:47.879 for your kids. Your kids start showing up differently in 97 00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:50.000 their world because you're there. You're seeing more of a 98 00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:53.040 strong male figure. And so if you show up better, 99 00:04:53.360 --> 00:04:55.279 everything around you starts showing up better and you and 100 00:04:55.319 --> 00:04:57.519 your life gets better. Just you have to learn that 101 00:04:57.519 --> 00:04:59.240 you're gonna have to build yourself from where you are, 102 00:04:59.720 --> 00:05:01.800 and he destroyed the old version of yourself to become 103 00:05:01.800 --> 00:05:04.040 the better version. And so it's not easy. But man, 104 00:05:04.040 --> 00:05:06.160 I love my life. I'd like I've said, I've told 105 00:05:06.160 --> 00:05:06.759 you probably that. 106 00:05:08.519 --> 00:05:11.040 I get those I know, I get those great texts 107 00:05:11.079 --> 00:05:14.319 that are like I'm so grateful, look at that. That's 108 00:05:14.319 --> 00:05:17.040 always a beautiful thing. All right, So let's take a moment, 109 00:05:17.120 --> 00:05:19.920 take a breath, because you know, I know that we're 110 00:05:19.959 --> 00:05:23.360 we're hitting a lot of vulnerable stuff and I'm proud 111 00:05:23.360 --> 00:05:24.959 of you. So take a breath, because I'm going to 112 00:05:25.000 --> 00:05:28.920 say so. The road to learning know was not easy 113 00:05:29.120 --> 00:05:33.399 because yes, he's laughing, taking a drink, he's going, holy shit, 114 00:05:33.480 --> 00:05:38.720 I'm sweating. God damn it, he's got Carls somebody, somebody's 115 00:05:38.759 --> 00:05:42.759 calling him on the phone. Okay, So once you had 116 00:05:42.839 --> 00:05:45.720 left and you walked out and you're in your own space, 117 00:05:46.160 --> 00:05:51.040 we weren't out of the woods because sadly, you had 118 00:05:51.920 --> 00:05:54.680 chosen another strategy of not being on. 119 00:05:54.560 --> 00:05:57.000 Your own yet totally avoidant. Yes. 120 00:05:57.720 --> 00:06:02.319 Yeah, and so you were already it started. You started 121 00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:06.519 a relationship pretty quick. Yeah, And I was yelling no, no, no, 122 00:06:06.720 --> 00:06:08.439 trying to talk you out of that as hard as 123 00:06:08.480 --> 00:06:11.800 I could talk you out of that. In fact, one night, 124 00:06:13.439 --> 00:06:18.120 I actually pushed you so hard you told me what 125 00:06:18.480 --> 00:06:19.079 you told me. 126 00:06:19.279 --> 00:06:23.639 No, I know, I know, it was fucking dope. No, Yes, 127 00:06:23.720 --> 00:06:24.319 I said no. 128 00:06:24.519 --> 00:06:26.720 And it was the first time I didn't even realize 129 00:06:26.879 --> 00:06:28.519 you pushed me really hard. I was crying and such. 130 00:06:30.120 --> 00:06:32.439 But it was a place that I didn't even know existed, 131 00:06:32.560 --> 00:06:33.240 which is amazing. 132 00:06:33.240 --> 00:06:34.920 When you have a coach like you that makes you 133 00:06:35.040 --> 00:06:36.959 go to places you didn't even know where they're there. 134 00:06:37.439 --> 00:06:39.680 And so when I learned the word no, because you're 135 00:06:39.720 --> 00:06:41.800 asking me to break up with this girl, or not 136 00:06:41.839 --> 00:06:43.600 break up with her, but just not see her, and 137 00:06:43.639 --> 00:06:46.279 I was like, I can't do that. After we took 138 00:06:46.279 --> 00:06:50.600 a big space of time, I didn't even know, like 139 00:06:50.639 --> 00:06:52.639 we went on a conversation for like an hour after that, 140 00:06:52.720 --> 00:06:53.120 I did not. 141 00:06:53.199 --> 00:06:54.040 Know no was an option. 142 00:06:54.480 --> 00:06:57.199 And so growing up, like the trauma response was I 143 00:06:57.240 --> 00:06:58.839 just put your head down and muscle through. 144 00:06:58.879 --> 00:07:00.759 And that's what I saw my dad, and that's what 145 00:07:01.000 --> 00:07:01.879 and I was just repeating the. 146 00:07:01.800 --> 00:07:05.480 Whole pattern I learned, and uh, and then you taught 147 00:07:05.480 --> 00:07:08.240 me no, and I looked back and went fuck man. 148 00:07:08.279 --> 00:07:10.560 I was with my wife for twenty five years and 149 00:07:10.600 --> 00:07:12.519 I didn't I don't think I ever said no to her, 150 00:07:12.720 --> 00:07:14.680 and I don't even I didn't even know that was 151 00:07:14.680 --> 00:07:16.800 an option. I literally did not know that was an option, 152 00:07:16.920 --> 00:07:20.240 which seems so weird. Normal people like yourself or or well, 153 00:07:20.480 --> 00:07:22.279 you know, well educated in this space. But for a 154 00:07:22.319 --> 00:07:24.240 person that's just an average Joe that went through trauma, 155 00:07:25.279 --> 00:07:26.720 I didn't know. I didn't know you could say no. 156 00:07:27.240 --> 00:07:29.279 So learning that was game changing, life changing, and I'm 157 00:07:29.279 --> 00:07:31.319 still working on It's not an easy word to use, 158 00:07:31.639 --> 00:07:33.120 but I'm a hell of a lot more strong and 159 00:07:33.160 --> 00:07:36.800 comfortable with that word than I was in the last 160 00:07:36.839 --> 00:07:38.879 you know, year or something when I was learning it, 161 00:07:39.000 --> 00:07:41.040 or the year after the divorce. 162 00:07:41.959 --> 00:07:45.480 Yeah. So basically what had happened was you were in 163 00:07:45.480 --> 00:07:48.480 a situation where somebody was making you feel good and 164 00:07:48.560 --> 00:07:51.360 way better than your wife. And of course you've been 165 00:07:51.360 --> 00:07:55.160 through like, you know, emotional void, you know, sexual dissatisfy, 166 00:07:55.199 --> 00:07:58.199 all these things in your marriage, and now all of 167 00:07:58.199 --> 00:08:01.160 a sudden, somebody shows up and they're here to you know, 168 00:08:01.240 --> 00:08:03.639 when I said, way too soon, way too soon for 169 00:08:03.680 --> 00:08:05.240 you to be involved in any of that, because you 170 00:08:05.319 --> 00:08:07.600 hadn't really changed all the behaviors that got you in 171 00:08:07.639 --> 00:08:11.240 the first one. Yeah, in the first place. And you know, 172 00:08:11.279 --> 00:08:13.959 and I'm adamant when I'm coaching somebody the difference. I'm 173 00:08:13.959 --> 00:08:16.920 a strategist, right, I'm not a therapist, and so I 174 00:08:16.959 --> 00:08:19.360 get to say things like I don't think that's a 175 00:08:19.360 --> 00:08:21.240 good idea, that's a dumb ass idea. I don't think 176 00:08:21.279 --> 00:08:24.439 you can do that. And so I appreciated the fact 177 00:08:24.480 --> 00:08:30.199 that basically I knew that without a no, that everything 178 00:08:30.199 --> 00:08:31.279 you were going to do is always going to be 179 00:08:31.319 --> 00:08:34.279 about avoiding conflict, like that the word to say no, 180 00:08:34.480 --> 00:08:37.039 without even a lot of explanation, just using the word. 181 00:08:37.360 --> 00:08:39.720 So that in that coaching session, yeah, I push you. 182 00:08:39.759 --> 00:08:41.159 I was like, you need to not be with her, 183 00:08:41.200 --> 00:08:42.440 you need to do this, you need to let go 184 00:08:42.559 --> 00:08:45.559 get you know, And I pushed, and I don't do that. 185 00:08:45.639 --> 00:08:47.639 In all you know, we knew each other, we have 186 00:08:47.720 --> 00:08:51.080 built some trust, and you just like, yeah, you were 187 00:08:51.080 --> 00:08:52.919 crying and all of a sudden you were like no. 188 00:08:53.919 --> 00:08:55.320 And then I stopped and smiled. 189 00:08:56.480 --> 00:08:58.840 I was like, what the hell do you put yodaed me? Man? 190 00:08:58.919 --> 00:09:01.480 Soon I would say yoda me and I got Yeah. 191 00:09:01.600 --> 00:09:04.080 It was fun, I mean, life changing, game changing. So 192 00:09:04.120 --> 00:09:06.639 I appreciate it. Yeah, it wasn't easy. The anything in 193 00:09:07.840 --> 00:09:11.320 worth in life is going to be challenging. 194 00:09:11.320 --> 00:09:14.240 It's well, growth is challenging, right, anytime we're breaking out 195 00:09:14.279 --> 00:09:19.320 of a pattern, it's really challenging. But that, yeah, so 196 00:09:19.360 --> 00:09:21.000 you had that no all of a sudden, it was 197 00:09:21.039 --> 00:09:22.960 like wow, So I think we started it. You know, 198 00:09:23.000 --> 00:09:26.279 you stayed in the relationship. I mean, you know, ultimately 199 00:09:26.320 --> 00:09:29.440 I support what people do, even if I have strong 200 00:09:29.480 --> 00:09:33.159 opinions about it. Yeah, but I supported that when you 201 00:09:33.240 --> 00:09:35.840 said no, you weren't going to stop. I'm like, all right. 202 00:09:36.240 --> 00:09:39.039 And then, but we started smaller by using no at work, 203 00:09:39.399 --> 00:09:41.799 So you started to use in your company and your business, 204 00:09:41.799 --> 00:09:44.759 starting to say no to things and no to people, 205 00:09:44.840 --> 00:09:46.720 and just learning how to say that word without a 206 00:09:46.759 --> 00:09:50.159 whole lot of up in front and behind, Like. 207 00:09:51.200 --> 00:09:52.960 Doesn't have to be something huge because you need to 208 00:09:52.960 --> 00:09:54.799 practice it. Like you mentioned it, it's a muscle and 209 00:09:54.840 --> 00:09:57.279 you have to get better. You know, you'll get stronger 210 00:09:57.279 --> 00:09:58.919 with it the more you use it. So it's even 211 00:09:58.960 --> 00:10:01.919 stupid things like people, yeah, in business or restaurant or whatever. 212 00:10:02.159 --> 00:10:04.799 You know, it's because it's not something you're used to 213 00:10:04.840 --> 00:10:06.919 and not something you're comfortable with, and not something you've 214 00:10:06.960 --> 00:10:07.480 ever seen. 215 00:10:09.240 --> 00:10:10.519 Turn those two I statements. 216 00:10:10.600 --> 00:10:13.279 Oh, I mean it's I growing up, I didn't see 217 00:10:13.279 --> 00:10:14.919 that ever. I never heard my dad say no. 218 00:10:15.120 --> 00:10:18.399 I never heard all these different things, and so like 219 00:10:18.519 --> 00:10:20.639 I I didn't know what that word was. It's like 220 00:10:20.679 --> 00:10:23.080 giving a kid a like a chainsaw. I me be like, 221 00:10:23.080 --> 00:10:24.720 go outside and cut some trees down, and you're like, 222 00:10:24.879 --> 00:10:26.879 I don't know how to use this thing. And that's 223 00:10:26.919 --> 00:10:28.679 literally where I was just like, Okay, I'm gonna cut 224 00:10:28.720 --> 00:10:31.000 a twig and I'm gonna keep moving on and try 225 00:10:31.039 --> 00:10:34.000 to learn what I'm doing. And I would I didn't 226 00:10:34.039 --> 00:10:36.159 know understand that the word. I know it sounds stupid 227 00:10:36.200 --> 00:10:39.039 and I know it sounds just just it's a different 228 00:10:39.120 --> 00:10:41.480 space that I wasn't comfortable with. And so it was 229 00:10:41.519 --> 00:10:44.399 just stepping into that unknown space and being like, Okay, she. 230 00:10:44.399 --> 00:10:46.000 Gave me the tool. She said, this is how you 231 00:10:46.080 --> 00:10:46.320 use it. 232 00:10:46.399 --> 00:10:47.960 No, And I think the thing it was great with 233 00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:51.000 you is you don't have to say no in an explanation. 234 00:10:51.080 --> 00:10:54.080 You can say no, period and that's just done. And 235 00:10:54.120 --> 00:10:56.279 I always felt like, holy shit, that's even more powerful 236 00:10:56.279 --> 00:10:58.519 because I don't have to tell them why. I'm just like, hey, 237 00:10:58.600 --> 00:11:03.240 let's do X or why is and you're like, no, no, 238 00:11:03.440 --> 00:11:04.639 not doing it And it's so hard. 239 00:11:04.679 --> 00:11:07.840 It actually so just so you know, it is one 240 00:11:07.879 --> 00:11:12.759 of the hardest things that almost everybody has to do. 241 00:11:13.000 --> 00:11:15.759 I mean, you know, coming from trauma where you never 242 00:11:15.799 --> 00:11:18.799 saw it is absolutely a thing. And that's the conflict 243 00:11:18.799 --> 00:11:23.559 avoidant thing, right. Yeah, for anybody, it's like we're taught 244 00:11:23.679 --> 00:11:28.039 that a no without an explanation is impolite and considerate, selfish, 245 00:11:28.080 --> 00:11:31.879 like there's so many right toddlers though, But we we 246 00:11:32.360 --> 00:11:34.200 do it automatically when we're young. 247 00:11:35.159 --> 00:11:35.279 No. 248 00:11:35.480 --> 00:11:37.679 What comes out of like two and whatever. No is 249 00:11:37.720 --> 00:11:39.960 that they write books about Now can the pigeon drive 250 00:11:39.960 --> 00:11:45.720 the bus? No? You know, because we love saying it. 251 00:11:45.720 --> 00:11:51.960 It's our first piece of autonomy and independence is this 252 00:11:52.080 --> 00:11:55.320 word no. And we don't explain it when we're young 253 00:11:55.360 --> 00:11:57.480 at that, we're not that verbal. We just yell the 254 00:11:57.519 --> 00:11:59.960 word no. Everything's no, even if you want it, you're 255 00:12:00.080 --> 00:12:05.200 yelling no at it because it feels like there's a choice. 256 00:12:05.840 --> 00:12:08.559 So usually people that have a really hard time with 257 00:12:08.720 --> 00:12:15.279 no had choices taken away. Okay, makes sense, that's pretty Yeah. 258 00:12:15.320 --> 00:12:17.759 So you would say no as a kid and it 259 00:12:17.799 --> 00:12:18.440 didn't matter. 260 00:12:19.120 --> 00:12:21.519 Yeah, yeah, you're because I was. 261 00:12:21.720 --> 00:12:23.480 That's very interesting, you see that because I was the 262 00:12:23.519 --> 00:12:26.720 youngest of four kids, and so I didn't really have any. 263 00:12:26.519 --> 00:12:28.200 Words to say. It was just what you're going along to, 264 00:12:28.240 --> 00:12:30.519 get along to it. Who cares? You're the youngest, fair 265 00:12:30.559 --> 00:12:33.039 and suck it up. Awesome. 266 00:12:33.399 --> 00:12:36.120 Yeah, so you just learned to, like you said, suck 267 00:12:36.159 --> 00:12:40.039 it up, learn to just handle it, learn to like whatever, 268 00:12:40.080 --> 00:12:44.120 and no matter how uncomfortable or sad, lonely, unfulfilled you felt, 269 00:12:44.159 --> 00:12:44.799 it didn't really. 270 00:12:44.720 --> 00:12:46.240 Matter, did not matter. 271 00:12:46.399 --> 00:12:48.559 No, it wasn't even an option. Yeah it was also 272 00:12:48.639 --> 00:12:50.080 you know, growing up for lack of food and stuff. 273 00:12:50.120 --> 00:12:51.919 There's a bunch of different things associated with that. But 274 00:12:52.559 --> 00:12:55.759 you just did it. Yeah, you had no control, no control. 275 00:12:55.960 --> 00:12:58.240 It's like, okay, I suck it up so that I 276 00:12:58.360 --> 00:13:04.080 used that playbook or recipe or programming forever and then 277 00:13:04.080 --> 00:13:05.080 because it got me here. 278 00:13:05.200 --> 00:13:07.240 But what got you here is not going to get 279 00:13:07.279 --> 00:13:07.759 you there. 280 00:13:07.960 --> 00:13:10.759 And so like using the same old I learned or 281 00:13:11.000 --> 00:13:13.919 a good analogy I recently thought of, it's like using 282 00:13:14.559 --> 00:13:18.759 an old Windows doss one point to try to the 283 00:13:18.840 --> 00:13:21.000 system now. And it's like you got to upgrade your software. Man, 284 00:13:21.039 --> 00:13:22.320 if you want to be a better version. 285 00:13:22.080 --> 00:13:23.759 Of yourself, change Mac. 286 00:13:24.320 --> 00:13:25.879 Yeah. 287 00:13:26.120 --> 00:13:29.399 So the problem is if you don't don't understand that, 288 00:13:29.480 --> 00:13:30.919 I mean, you're never going to get where you want 289 00:13:30.919 --> 00:13:32.559 to go. Because if I want to own property all 290 00:13:32.559 --> 00:13:34.039 over the world, there's all these different things I want 291 00:13:34.080 --> 00:13:37.000 to do and I I can't do it with the 292 00:13:37.039 --> 00:13:37.960 old operating system. 293 00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:39.039 So I have to learn the skills. 294 00:13:39.080 --> 00:13:40.759 Like you're talking about and I have to upgrade my 295 00:13:41.200 --> 00:13:44.360 internal being and my calmness and my comfortability with conflict 296 00:13:44.840 --> 00:13:46.639 and all these different words and like pick the no 297 00:13:47.320 --> 00:13:50.799 and then calming down your central nervous system. Those things 298 00:13:50.840 --> 00:13:54.200 are lifetime skills you learn, and so once you learn them, 299 00:13:54.320 --> 00:13:56.279 you implement them. It starts changing your life. But it's 300 00:13:56.320 --> 00:13:57.919 not easy, but it's it's well worth it. 301 00:13:57.960 --> 00:13:58.039 Man. 302 00:13:58.039 --> 00:13:59.440 If you're going to be here and you want to succeed, 303 00:13:59.519 --> 00:14:02.320 whatever that means for you, you want as many tools 304 00:14:02.360 --> 00:14:02.960 as possible. 305 00:14:03.440 --> 00:14:06.039 Right, Well, and that brings me to kind of like, 306 00:14:08.159 --> 00:14:11.240 let's let's let me see what I want to dive into. 307 00:14:11.360 --> 00:14:13.360 I think the so the no is a boundary is 308 00:14:13.360 --> 00:14:17.440 about learning boundaries for sure, and conflict avoidant people don't 309 00:14:17.440 --> 00:14:22.279 tend to have boundaries. They tend to just like they 310 00:14:22.879 --> 00:14:25.879 create a conflict, right, A boundary equals a conflict. So 311 00:14:26.480 --> 00:14:29.320 tell me tell me a little bit more like even 312 00:14:29.399 --> 00:14:33.919 if so, let's take let's take the boundary that we 313 00:14:34.039 --> 00:14:36.639 talked about with your son. When all of a sudden 314 00:14:36.960 --> 00:14:41.679 your son started Navarro started showing up from no, no contact, 315 00:14:41.679 --> 00:14:43.519 no whatever, didn't want to engage at you at all, 316 00:14:43.600 --> 00:14:47.240 but wanted a car. Yeah, for sure, well, yeah, so 317 00:14:47.320 --> 00:14:49.240 talk a little bit about that, like how hard that 318 00:14:49.399 --> 00:14:52.879 was to start putting that financial Yeah, that. 319 00:14:52.919 --> 00:14:54.840 Was super rough on for a variety of reasons. 320 00:14:54.879 --> 00:14:57.639 But him, him, I knew what he was doing, but 321 00:14:57.639 --> 00:14:59.320 at the same time, I wanted his love so much 322 00:14:59.399 --> 00:15:02.279 I was willing again do the same trauma loop like 323 00:15:02.600 --> 00:15:05.039 just eat shit sort of speak. And so he wanted 324 00:15:05.039 --> 00:15:06.639 a car, and so he was talking to me and 325 00:15:06.679 --> 00:15:09.159 texting me and stuff, and I really wanted to meet 326 00:15:09.200 --> 00:15:10.320 up with him, and I said, hey, let's go to 327 00:15:10.360 --> 00:15:12.080 a counselor let's do whatever you need to do, and 328 00:15:12.080 --> 00:15:16.320 he's like being all nice. And then so at bottom 329 00:15:16.360 --> 00:15:17.679 of a car, my wife and I went in on 330 00:15:17.720 --> 00:15:20.799 bottom of a car and not anything I wanted to buy, 331 00:15:20.840 --> 00:15:24.639 but something he wanted, which is astronomically stupid car. But nonetheless, 332 00:15:25.559 --> 00:15:29.360 he was manipulating me to get a car, and I 333 00:15:29.440 --> 00:15:31.799 was trying to manipulate him with money to stay in 334 00:15:31.840 --> 00:15:34.440 his life. And it was when you had to explain 335 00:15:34.480 --> 00:15:36.720 that to me about four hundred and seventeen times, I think, 336 00:15:36.759 --> 00:15:39.080 and I didn't understand what I was doing, and I 337 00:15:39.120 --> 00:15:41.360 didn't understand I was using money as a tool to 338 00:15:41.519 --> 00:15:44.200 keep him kind of in my web sort of speak. 339 00:15:44.559 --> 00:15:49.240 So that that was having me have to unprogram myself 340 00:15:49.279 --> 00:15:52.360 and go, shit, I'm using you know, money as a tool, 341 00:15:52.360 --> 00:15:54.279 and it's not a healthy tool to try to keep 342 00:15:54.320 --> 00:15:56.519 him in my life. So stepping away from that and 343 00:15:56.600 --> 00:15:59.200 letting him go was so freeing for me on a 344 00:15:59.200 --> 00:16:01.840 million different ways, emotionally freeing, but it was very, very rough. 345 00:16:02.440 --> 00:16:05.200 But seeing that I didn't have to use any tool 346 00:16:05.240 --> 00:16:07.519 if someone does, not just for my son, but if 347 00:16:07.559 --> 00:16:08.600 someone doesn't want to be in. 348 00:16:08.480 --> 00:16:11.480 My life, they don't need to be in my life's. 349 00:16:10.919 --> 00:16:13.039 And so I'd use that what I learned from him, 350 00:16:13.200 --> 00:16:15.120 and that situation was like I use it in a 351 00:16:15.159 --> 00:16:17.639 lot of places other places with you know, next girlfriends 352 00:16:17.639 --> 00:16:19.320 and things like that. If you're not willing to work 353 00:16:19.639 --> 00:16:21.240 and be a part of my life, you don't need 354 00:16:21.240 --> 00:16:22.720 to be part of my life. And that goes from 355 00:16:22.720 --> 00:16:24.639 my other child as well and anybody in my life. 356 00:16:25.639 --> 00:16:28.200 So that that learning that skill change my life, and 357 00:16:28.240 --> 00:16:30.960 it still impacts everywhere because if you only have so 358 00:16:30.960 --> 00:16:33.679 many times, so many days, weeks, months, years left, and 359 00:16:33.759 --> 00:16:35.279 so I don't want to waste time with people people 360 00:16:35.279 --> 00:16:36.279 don't want to be in my life, and I'm not 361 00:16:36.279 --> 00:16:38.120 going to work my ass to have you in my life. 362 00:16:38.279 --> 00:16:40.720 I'm like, we're going to make this happen together, or 363 00:16:40.759 --> 00:16:41.480 we're not going to make it. 364 00:16:41.399 --> 00:16:41.919 Happen at all. 365 00:16:42.399 --> 00:16:45.759 Yeah, And I know that that. You know that the 366 00:16:45.840 --> 00:16:50.080 craving for love, you know whoever it's from, the craving 367 00:16:50.120 --> 00:16:52.960 for love, the craving for acceptance, the craving for belonging, 368 00:16:53.039 --> 00:16:57.720 the craving for not being an asshole, whatever it is. Right, 369 00:16:58.879 --> 00:17:00.759 there are a lot of strategies that all of us 370 00:17:00.919 --> 00:17:05.720 can use to fill that void. And you might think that, 371 00:17:05.839 --> 00:17:07.599 you know, that's the void you want you want to 372 00:17:07.640 --> 00:17:09.359 do when you have your kid. And I remember that 373 00:17:09.480 --> 00:17:12.279 we actually talked to because my daughter Ethne at the 374 00:17:12.319 --> 00:17:17.000 time was a few years older, right, uh, But I 375 00:17:17.039 --> 00:17:20.039 asked her, we talked about that, like what did she 376 00:17:20.200 --> 00:17:24.079 have to say, And she's like, yeah, you just got 377 00:17:24.079 --> 00:17:27.000 to let him go. You can't. You know, the strategy 378 00:17:27.039 --> 00:17:31.559 of trying to text to keep in contact even if 379 00:17:31.599 --> 00:17:33.279 it's like looks good, Oh, I just want to tell 380 00:17:33.279 --> 00:17:37.319 you I love you, miss you. You know, oh yeah, sure, 381 00:17:37.400 --> 00:17:39.079 let's get a car. Oh, I want to come see 382 00:17:39.079 --> 00:17:41.480 your game. You know, all of the things that we 383 00:17:41.559 --> 00:17:44.720 want to do. The hang on to somebody who's clearly 384 00:17:44.880 --> 00:17:51.240 saying yea on space, nothing on space. We have to 385 00:17:51.359 --> 00:17:53.079 let them have that consequence. 386 00:17:54.200 --> 00:17:56.960 Yeah, but it's it's rough because you're the one that's 387 00:17:57.000 --> 00:17:59.720 forcing that to happen. I mean, they want this, but 388 00:17:59.799 --> 00:18:01.240 you do want to be in their life, and they're 389 00:18:01.799 --> 00:18:03.319 you know, the teenage years go by so quick and 390 00:18:03.319 --> 00:18:05.000 it's the only time there ever that teenage a vulnerable 391 00:18:05.079 --> 00:18:06.240 year and impressionable in. 392 00:18:06.160 --> 00:18:07.119 That time period. 393 00:18:07.240 --> 00:18:09.079 But at the same time, when they don't want to 394 00:18:09.079 --> 00:18:11.920 be around you, it's like, well, screw it, you don't 395 00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:13.119 want to be around me, I don't want to be 396 00:18:13.119 --> 00:18:13.480 around you. 397 00:18:13.559 --> 00:18:16.200 Let's just exit stage left and see what happens. 398 00:18:16.200 --> 00:18:18.160 And it's rough, but I'm a lot freeer and I 399 00:18:18.200 --> 00:18:21.400 don't have that emotional entanglement with him as much. I mean, 400 00:18:21.440 --> 00:18:23.279 I ask about his school and ask about how he's 401 00:18:23.319 --> 00:18:25.799