WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.440 --> 00:00:07.080 Rain can make a city feel slowed down and urgent 2 00:00:07.120 --> 00:00:11.119 at the same time. Drops clattered down gutters, dragged wet 3 00:00:11.160 --> 00:00:14.679 streaks against the windows, and blurred the Kneon Bakery sign 4 00:00:14.720 --> 00:00:17.800 across the street into a water color halo. It was 5 00:00:17.839 --> 00:00:20.920 one of those evenings that felt stolen from February. Not 6 00:00:21.120 --> 00:00:25.719 spring cold enough to think about gloves, but stubbornly refusing snow. 7 00:00:26.839 --> 00:00:29.839 My umbrella was leaking at the seams as I rounded 8 00:00:29.839 --> 00:00:33.920 the corner to our building, keys already pinched between two fingers, 9 00:00:34.320 --> 00:00:38.159 messenger bag weighing heavy on my hip. I didn't mean 10 00:00:38.200 --> 00:00:40.439 to stop at all, but I did because the lift 11 00:00:40.520 --> 00:00:42.920 wasn't working, and I had that ache in my left knee. 12 00:00:43.200 --> 00:00:46.479 Too many late night walks last week or just bad posture. 13 00:00:47.000 --> 00:00:49.799 I was more watching my shoes than paying real attention. 14 00:00:50.240 --> 00:00:53.640 But then I heard it through the stairwell, laughter carrying down. 15 00:00:54.119 --> 00:00:57.679 It was familiar, that particular strain, the kind you only 16 00:00:57.719 --> 00:01:02.520 get through wine and repetition. I'd know it anywhere. Mark's 17 00:01:02.640 --> 00:01:07.719 laugh sharp, almost barking, and someone else's, probably Dan's, lower 18 00:01:07.799 --> 00:01:11.079 and always a bit behind. The odd thing was I 19 00:01:11.079 --> 00:01:13.959 hadn't gotten a single text about book club this week. 20 00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:17.439 I lingered on the second floor, landing for a breath. 21 00:01:17.680 --> 00:01:20.760 I never hover this way? Is this what paranoia feels like? 22 00:01:21.159 --> 00:01:24.000 A new, weightless flavor of guilt before you even know 23 00:01:24.079 --> 00:01:26.599 what you've done wrong. But the whole light flicked on 24 00:01:26.719 --> 00:01:29.920 and I moved along, lips pressing together tight. It wasn't 25 00:01:29.959 --> 00:01:32.680 really my habit to snoop on Mark. You always hated 26 00:01:32.680 --> 00:01:35.400 the words snoop. But then the old door to two 27 00:01:35.439 --> 00:01:38.799 Sea opened and Missus Abrams blinked at me, clutching her 28 00:01:38.840 --> 00:01:43.120 poodle under one arm. They're at it again, she said, 29 00:01:43.280 --> 00:01:46.879 eyes glinting. That club of your husband's, fifth week in 30 00:01:46.959 --> 00:01:49.640 a row. They're here, passed midnight. Do you know they 31 00:01:49.680 --> 00:01:53.000 borrowed my corkscrew. I didn't even get it back last time. 32 00:01:53.760 --> 00:01:57.000 She waved her hand, dismissing it as some urban mystery. 33 00:01:58.079 --> 00:02:00.840 I managed a brittle smile, not knowing what to say. 34 00:02:01.519 --> 00:02:04.640 Maybe I'll remind them, I mumbled, though I doubted I would. 35 00:02:05.159 --> 00:02:08.520 Missus Abrams swept down the stairs. I could hear Dan's 36 00:02:08.599 --> 00:02:11.560 voice muffled. No trace of books, that was for sure, 37 00:02:11.960 --> 00:02:15.159 maybe just music. The door to our place was closed, 38 00:02:15.240 --> 00:02:19.919 but light glowed around the edges. Then my phone buzzed Mark. 39 00:02:20.240 --> 00:02:23.280 His message popped up. Book club moved last minute to 40 00:02:23.360 --> 00:02:27.199 Dan's place. Everyone wanted a change, Sorry, didn't want a 41 00:02:27.240 --> 00:02:32.360 text while driving. Seconds later another don't wait up? Three, 42 00:02:32.599 --> 00:02:34.560 I called him. He picked up on the second ring. 43 00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:40.159 His voice sounded off, rushed, as if he was jogging somewhere. Hey, babe, sorry, 44 00:02:40.400 --> 00:02:43.319 did you not see my texts? Dan's to night? Little 45 00:02:43.400 --> 00:02:47.319 change of scenery, It just happened fast. There was that, 46 00:02:47.479 --> 00:02:50.039 just a little too easy tone, the one he used 47 00:02:50.039 --> 00:02:53.719 when talking to his project clients. I pictured him, eyes 48 00:02:53.719 --> 00:02:56.840 flicking over his shoulder at whoever was beside him, Marisser 49 00:02:56.960 --> 00:03:00.280 or Carrow or maybe someone. I didn't know what exactly 50 00:03:00.400 --> 00:03:04.360 was happening in three b all good, I said, every phrase, 51 00:03:04.400 --> 00:03:09.280 feeling oddly stiff. You sound busy, so have fun. He 52 00:03:09.400 --> 00:03:12.520 kept the call short, then something clattered in the background. 53 00:03:12.800 --> 00:03:17.039 He swore quietly and hung up. Despite what the phone said, 54 00:03:17.199 --> 00:03:19.719 every sign told me he was here, and yet the 55 00:03:19.759 --> 00:03:23.120 door stayed firmly closed. I peered through a slot in 56 00:03:23.120 --> 00:03:26.560 the drawn shade. Two of Mark's friends lounged on the sofa, 57 00:03:27.000 --> 00:03:30.000 Dan and a bearded guy I only half recognized from 58 00:03:30.039 --> 00:03:34.000 their poker Night's last spring. There were half empty wine bottles, 59 00:03:34.280 --> 00:03:37.639 but no open books, just glasses and that vague, sort 60 00:03:37.639 --> 00:03:41.719 of low conversation I could never quite decipher. I felt 61 00:03:41.759 --> 00:03:44.719 suddenly outside something I'd been part of for so long, 62 00:03:45.159 --> 00:03:48.199 like the building was slouching away from me. It wasn't 63 00:03:48.319 --> 00:03:52.800 sadness exactly, just a hollow spot opening up under my ribs. 64 00:03:53.840 --> 00:03:57.000 The elevator pinged one floor down, and I shook myself 65 00:03:57.000 --> 00:04:00.759 out of my days. There were plausible explanations. Maybe it 66 00:04:00.840 --> 00:04:04.599 was just what Mark said, change of venue. Maybe book 67 00:04:04.599 --> 00:04:07.840 club had mutated, as it often did, into an excuse 68 00:04:07.919 --> 00:04:11.159 to drink and complain. But why not tell me? Why 69 00:04:11.240 --> 00:04:14.400 no invitation? After all these years? Why did I only 70 00:04:14.439 --> 00:04:18.480 now realize how little I'd been included this week? Passing 71 00:04:18.560 --> 00:04:21.279 the row of apartment mail boxes, I ran a finger 72 00:04:21.360 --> 00:04:24.879 along the cool brass. My keys slipped in my palm, 73 00:04:25.160 --> 00:04:27.560 and I realized how silent the rest of my night 74 00:04:27.600 --> 00:04:31.079 would be. Strange what you notice when you're not expected. 75 00:04:31.120 --> 00:04:35.639 Somewhere inside? I peeled off wet shoes, did the rope things, 76 00:04:35.959 --> 00:04:39.120 tea phone plugged in. Sitting at the kitchen island with 77 00:04:39.160 --> 00:04:42.040 a sketch book, I tried sketching the warped outline of 78 00:04:42.040 --> 00:04:44.839 the street lights reflecting in puddles, but it came out 79 00:04:44.920 --> 00:04:48.399 uneven and stiff. The apartment felt too large and too 80 00:04:48.439 --> 00:04:51.879 small in new ways. If Mark had truly moved book club, 81 00:04:52.160 --> 00:04:55.040 why did his jacket hang in the entry. Maybe he'd 82 00:04:55.079 --> 00:04:57.560 swung by to pick up a bottle they'd left behind. 83 00:04:58.040 --> 00:05:02.720 Maybe I was overthinking. I ran hot water over my hands, 84 00:05:02.759 --> 00:05:06.160 slow and deliberate, as if that could wash tension off me. 85 00:05:07.160 --> 00:05:09.399 That night, I woke up twice to the rain whipping 86 00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:13.240 the window, Marks still absent. The second time, close to 87 00:05:13.240 --> 00:05:16.120 two in the morning, I got a quick message crashing 88 00:05:16.120 --> 00:05:19.240 at Dan's, too late to bother with euber love you 89 00:05:19.519 --> 00:05:23.480 sleep tight for some one who supposedly wasn't there. He 90 00:05:23.560 --> 00:05:26.639 blended perfectly into the background noise of our apartment. As 91 00:05:26.639 --> 00:05:29.360 soon as he returned the next day, he'd slipped in 92 00:05:29.439 --> 00:05:33.199 around six, carrying coffee and pastries, dropping a paper bag 93 00:05:33.279 --> 00:05:36.199 on the counter like an offering. He kissed my forehead, 94 00:05:36.680 --> 00:05:39.439 Sorry for being gone so late. Dan was on a 95 00:05:39.519 --> 00:05:42.680 roll next week. Let's get back to our routine. O K, 96 00:05:43.120 --> 00:05:47.399 I missed you. His ease was almost convincing. I made 97 00:05:47.399 --> 00:05:52.680 myself believe him almost memory is funny. Years ago, at 98 00:05:52.720 --> 00:05:55.959 a packed art gallery down town, the white walls closing 99 00:05:56.000 --> 00:05:59.279 in with the hum of conversation. I'd found Mark by accident, 100 00:05:59.800 --> 00:06:03.319 or I'd noticed his laugh, the exact one that echoed 101 00:06:03.319 --> 00:06:06.240 in the hallway last night, cutting through the polite talk 102 00:06:06.360 --> 00:06:08.879 like a flash of color. He'd been arguing with a 103 00:06:08.879 --> 00:06:13.360 student about Bauhaus typography, gesturing with a glass of cheap chardenay. 104 00:06:13.920 --> 00:06:16.680 I offered him the only clean napkin left at the table. 105 00:06:17.639 --> 00:06:21.000 He said designers have the best instincts and asked whether 106 00:06:21.040 --> 00:06:24.639 I always carried supplies. Everything about him that night had 107 00:06:24.639 --> 00:06:27.360 a dare to it. The way he interrupted, the way 108 00:06:27.399 --> 00:06:31.600 he smiled too long. He thrived on friction. I preferred 109 00:06:31.639 --> 00:06:35.040 note books and corners, sketching in the margins, seeing the 110 00:06:35.079 --> 00:06:39.240 negative space between people. We began late night walks up 111 00:06:39.279 --> 00:06:43.720 Millstone Park, mapping out city lights, ducking into closed playgrounds, 112 00:06:43.920 --> 00:06:46.639 inventing stories about the couples who passed us arm in arm. 113 00:06:47.079 --> 00:06:50.040 He liked the world a little messy, unexpected, but he 114 00:06:50.120 --> 00:06:52.879 never wanted to wander far alone. The one time his 115 00:06:53.000 --> 00:06:55.959 car was towed, he called me rather than his own sister. 116 00:06:56.360 --> 00:06:59.560 Our communication was the thing people commented on, you guys 117 00:06:59.639 --> 00:07:02.519 actually talk things out, and I thought that kind of 118 00:07:02.560 --> 00:07:06.560 blunt honesty would carry us anywhere. We built a rhythm, 119 00:07:06.959 --> 00:07:10.680 his start up's wild roller coaster and my designer's contract work, 120 00:07:11.199 --> 00:07:15.800 surviving layoffs and failed product launches, celebrating little winds, staying 121 00:07:15.879 --> 00:07:19.199 up late to redesign freelance projects. On a Sunday, we 122 00:07:19.240 --> 00:07:22.600 stitched together a home in this same apartment, chose imperfect 123 00:07:22.600 --> 00:07:26.040 furniture hung art that we'd argued about until we both caved. 124 00:07:26.519 --> 00:07:29.399 When we'd hosted our first book club here, just six 125 00:07:29.439 --> 00:07:32.319 people and too much takeout, I felt like the world 126 00:07:32.360 --> 00:07:37.040 contracted comfortably around us. Book Club had become ritual. It 127 00:07:37.160 --> 00:07:40.959 wasn't ever about plot twists or deep literary analysis. People 128 00:07:41.040 --> 00:07:43.839 showed up for the messy food, the stray debates over 129 00:07:43.879 --> 00:07:47.720 everything from Kirkgard to comic books, the inevitable bottle of 130 00:07:47.800 --> 00:07:51.680 merlow someone would spill over the rug. Most months we 131 00:07:51.759 --> 00:07:54.959 didn't even finish the book, but those nights gave shape 132 00:07:55.000 --> 00:07:59.279 and anchor to otherwise chaotic schedules, something fixed. Even when 133 00:07:59.319 --> 00:08:03.360 our gigs were I'd always felt like the quieter half mark, 134 00:08:03.439 --> 00:08:06.759 soaking up attention, making guests stay too late, dancing with 135 00:08:06.839 --> 00:08:10.839 my playlist that never made me uncomfortable before. He wanted 136 00:08:10.839 --> 00:08:13.639 people around him, needed them, and in turn, I learned 137 00:08:13.680 --> 00:08:17.240 to appreciate hosting. There were space to see both our sides, 138 00:08:17.399 --> 00:08:21.199 to blend our needs even when they clashed. Still, sometimes 139 00:08:21.319 --> 00:08:25.120 I wondered if my silence, my need for observation, left 140 00:08:25.160 --> 00:08:29.399 him hungry for noise I couldn't provide. We both only children, 141 00:08:29.720 --> 00:08:33.639 parents miles apart, Mark's drifting sister, occasionally appearing at the 142 00:08:33.720 --> 00:08:35.919 edge of gatherings with a quick hug and a new 143 00:08:35.919 --> 00:08:40.080 hobby to tell us about no children ourselves, by deliberate choice, 144 00:08:40.320 --> 00:08:43.600 we have freedom, Mark once said, hugging me from behind 145 00:08:43.639 --> 00:08:46.000 as we stared at the city lights turning on at dusk. 146 00:08:46.440 --> 00:08:48.960 We can build anything we want. Nothing needs to be 147 00:08:49.039 --> 00:08:52.440 secret between us. I had believed him, hung on to 148 00:08:52.519 --> 00:08:56.840 that phrase in quieter moments, even in busier months. Lately, 149 00:08:57.240 --> 00:09:01.159 deadline's finicky. As ever, Mark's calender thick with meetings. I 150 00:09:01.200 --> 00:09:04.720 didn't question that we shared a world. Playful memes flashed 151 00:09:04.720 --> 00:09:07.759 between us on lunch breaks. He drop his phone mid 152 00:09:07.799 --> 00:09:10.399 call just to say he loved me before a big pitch. 153 00:09:10.840 --> 00:09:13.639 There were whole weekends we blocked out for last minute 154 00:09:13.720 --> 00:09:18.200 drives to the coast, half planned and perfect. Looking back 155 00:09:18.240 --> 00:09:22.039 on it, the vulnerabilities were already there. My own worry 156 00:09:22.080 --> 00:09:25.159 that I faded in comparison to his big personality, that 157 00:09:25.279 --> 00:09:27.879 maybe I was just the intricate foreground to his bold, 158 00:09:28.080 --> 00:09:32.200 visible brush strokes. But I felt solid, loved, if not 159 00:09:32.360 --> 00:09:35.840 always in the center of the frame. All of which 160 00:09:35.919 --> 00:09:38.759 is why when he drew back even a small bit, 161 00:09:39.159 --> 00:09:42.159 I felt the shift immediately, like when the weather changes 162 00:09:42.200 --> 00:09:46.159 at dusk. Comfort can be its own precision instrument, you 163 00:09:46.279 --> 00:09:50.320 know the notes by heart until they vanish. The next Friday, 164 00:09:50.399 --> 00:09:53.320 Mark called me as I left the coworking space. So 165 00:09:53.559 --> 00:09:56.799 book clubs going to meet at dan S again, he announced, 166 00:09:56.960 --> 00:10:01.399 a little too breezily, apparently are upstair. Dare's soloist complained 167 00:10:01.399 --> 00:10:04.720 about the noise last week, and Dan's got that bigger couch. 168 00:10:05.120 --> 00:10:08.600 You know how it is. I reflexively reached for my 169 00:10:08.720 --> 00:10:12.559 phone calendar fingers hovering over our usual book club slot. 170 00:10:13.120 --> 00:10:17.679 That's sudden, I said, When did this happen last night? 171 00:10:17.960 --> 00:10:21.639 Mark replied, Marisa started a group chat about it. They 172 00:10:21.679 --> 00:10:26.200 want to try a different vibe. His enunciation was unusually precise, 173 00:10:26.399 --> 00:10:31.240 as if rehearsing. Who's bringing food? I asked, expecting the 174 00:10:31.320 --> 00:10:36.200 usual litany. Maris's vegan salad, Dan's failed casserole, may be 175 00:10:36.279 --> 00:10:41.200 a cue to contribute something myself. Caarrow's got snacks, Dan's 176 00:10:41.200 --> 00:10:45.679 handling drinks. Don't worry about anything, honestly, you work too hard. 177 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:49.840 Just take the night off. You deserve it. I paused, 178 00:10:50.000 --> 00:10:53.399 weighing whether to push. I could swing by or pick 179 00:10:53.480 --> 00:10:56.919 something up on my way home. He cut me off gently, 180 00:10:57.480 --> 00:10:59.960 Really a Lanna, don't stress. I just want you to 181 00:11:00.200 --> 00:11:04.360 relax tonight. Okay, we'll do something together this weekend. His 182 00:11:04.480 --> 00:11:08.480 tone was placating but final. It was such a tiny thing, 183 00:11:08.840 --> 00:11:12.240 not being asked, not being involved. I swallowed it down, 184 00:11:12.399 --> 00:11:15.679 told myself it was normal. But all night, every clatter 185 00:11:15.720 --> 00:11:18.720 from the kitchen or distant sound from the street seemed expectant. 186 00:11:19.279 --> 00:11:22.879 I roasted sweet potatoes I barely touched. Scrolled through group 187 00:11:22.960 --> 00:11:25.519 chats and saw nothing, not even a stray meme or 188 00:11:25.559 --> 00:11:29.240 a blurry group selfie. For years, there de always been 189 00:11:29.279 --> 00:11:32.679 evidence of these nights, someone posting a snap shot and 190 00:11:32.759 --> 00:11:36.440 inside jokes spilling over into our d ms. But the 191 00:11:36.519 --> 00:11:41.200 feeds were silent. I called Jen, my best friend since college, 192 00:11:41.480 --> 00:11:44.039 and bumbled out the story as neutrally as I could. 193 00:11:44.720 --> 00:11:48.279 Maybe he just wanted to decompress, she offered, doesn't mean 194 00:11:48.360 --> 00:11:51.879 anything's wrong. Maybe they needed a fresh spot. You know 195 00:11:51.960 --> 00:11:56.360 how Mark gets when a routine stuck, maybe, I replied, 196 00:11:56.720 --> 00:12:00.639 it just feels. I couldn't articulate it yet, not threatening, 197 00:12:00.799 --> 00:12:04.080 just off kilter. The next morning, he greeted me in 198 00:12:04.080 --> 00:12:07.320 the kitchen, wrestling a stuck sereal box from the cabinet, 199 00:12:07.480 --> 00:12:11.480 whistling some tune from years back. You want coffee, he offered, 200 00:12:11.519 --> 00:12:15.000 Eyes soft, easy open. But when I jokingly asked about 201 00:12:15.000 --> 00:12:17.960 book club about whether Dan's couch survived the night, he 202 00:12:18.120 --> 00:12:20.759 just smiled and said, you know how it is. Too 203 00:12:20.759 --> 00:12:25.080 many opinions, not enough actual reading. He glanced away, setting 204 00:12:25.120 --> 00:12:28.919 the coffee pot down with a careful tap. I considered 205 00:12:28.960 --> 00:12:33.360 insisting pressing for details. Instead, I let it drift, watching 206 00:12:33.440 --> 00:12:36.679 him move around our kitchen with the sleepy coordination of 207 00:12:36.720 --> 00:12:40.159 someone who'd just come home from a long trip. Maybe 208 00:12:40.240 --> 00:12:44.399 Jen was right, Maybe nothing meant anything at all. A 209 00:12:44.440 --> 00:12:47.960 week later, I began to see the patterns, not the shape, 210 00:12:48.000 --> 00:12:51.600 of betrayal. Exactly, just the way something starts to shiver 211 00:12:51.679 --> 00:12:55.279 at the seams. Mark was glued to his phone more 212 00:12:55.320 --> 00:12:58.320 than usual, not in the aimless way. He sometimes fell 213 00:12:58.360 --> 00:13:01.559 into twitter holes, but always half way toward the hallway door, 214 00:13:01.879 --> 00:13:05.720 stepping out with the phone pressed clothes. Sometimes he glanced 215 00:13:05.720 --> 00:13:08.919 at me first, a quick check, his eyes darting as 216 00:13:08.960 --> 00:13:12.480 though assessing if I needed anything, before he disappeared. When 217 00:13:12.480 --> 00:13:15.440 he came back, he'd wear the afterglow of an intense 218 00:13:15.720 --> 00:13:19.519 secret joke. I didn't want to eavesdrop, but the name 219 00:13:19.600 --> 00:13:22.240 book Club flashed on his screen when he set it down, 220 00:13:22.559 --> 00:13:26.840 always followed by a dismissive just logistics, don't worry. He 221 00:13:26.919 --> 00:13:29.000 laughed about it once when I asked if I was 222 00:13:29.039 --> 00:13:32.440 missing some mean storm, saying, you know how this group 223 00:13:32.559 --> 00:13:37.519 is endlessly planning, arguing about meeting spots. It's too much. Honestly. 224 00:13:38.639 --> 00:13:41.159 On Saturday, at brunch with Dan and Marissa at the 225 00:13:41.159 --> 00:13:44.120 place with the sunniest blue tiles, I tried to join 226 00:13:44.159 --> 00:13:47.120 the nostalgia, said I missed the old book club nights, 227 00:13:47.399 --> 00:13:51.279 teased them about ruining our best take out plates. Dan nodded, 228 00:13:51.480 --> 00:13:55.759 chewing a forkful of eggs, but was curiously evasive. Ah, 229 00:13:55.799 --> 00:13:58.559 you know, it's just drinks now, really not much to 230 00:13:58.639 --> 00:14:03.159 catch up on. Marisas steered the conversation toward a work drama, 231 00:14:03.440 --> 00:14:06.600 never meeting my eye. Any other week they be shared 232 00:14:06.639 --> 00:14:10.440 stories about Dan's failed literary cocktails or Mars's book wrecks 233 00:14:10.480 --> 00:14:14.799 going viral. That underton, something purposely held back clanged in 234 00:14:14.840 --> 00:14:19.000 my mind. Dan excused himself to answer a call. Marissa 235 00:14:19.039 --> 00:14:22.159 fiddled with the salt shaker. I noticed for the first 236 00:14:22.159 --> 00:14:24.919 time how quickly talk turned to anything but the group. 237 00:14:25.960 --> 00:14:28.679 That afternoon, I was running laundry when I found it, 238 00:14:29.080 --> 00:14:31.840 a crumpled receipt wedged in the side pocket of Mark's 239 00:14:31.840 --> 00:14:35.759 black rain jacket. An expensive wine bar, not our old local, 240 00:14:36.080 --> 00:14:39.000 but some place in the historic district, too far south 241 00:14:39.039 --> 00:14:42.559 for any of our friend's usual haunts. The dates stunned me. 242 00:14:42.960 --> 00:14:46.399 Three nights ago, the so called book club night service 243 00:14:46.440 --> 00:14:50.080 for two tasting menu, a bottle of Napa something. It 244 00:14:50.159 --> 00:14:52.440 added up to a bill nobody would rack up for 245 00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:55.960 a casual guise night. I stared at the print out, 246 00:14:56.200 --> 00:14:58.960 half expecting it to blur to belong to some one else. 247 00:14:59.600 --> 00:15:02.159 My first instinct was to ask to make a joke, 248 00:15:02.600 --> 00:15:07.519 but I didn't, maybe out of cowardice, maybe self preservation. Instead, 249 00:15:07.639 --> 00:15:10.000 I tucked it inside a note book and waited to 250 00:15:10.039 --> 00:15:14.399 see what else would slide loose little things. Lisa, our 251 00:15:14.399 --> 00:15:17.759 friend who was always chronicling book club with candid phone shots, 252 00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:21.799 stopped posting entirely. She waved off my attempts to chat, 253 00:15:22.039 --> 00:15:25.639 saying she was slammed at work. Last time I saw 254 00:15:25.679 --> 00:15:29.080 her at the store, she seemed hurried, kept her sunglasses 255 00:15:29.080 --> 00:15:33.120 on the whole time. Mark's moods swung like a pendulum, 256 00:15:33.440 --> 00:15:38.000 sometimes hyperattentive, bringing home pastries I liked, curling behind me 257 00:15:38.080 --> 00:15:42.360 on the couch, sometimes distracted short his patience, cracking for 258 00:15:42.440 --> 00:15:48.200 no cause, apologetic afterward, over compensating with compliments. I wondered 259 00:15:48.200 --> 00:15:51.480 if he'd read somewhere that acts of service fix everything. 260 00:15:52.519 --> 00:15:56.600 A sharper change was his cologne, deep spicy, nothing like 261 00:15:56.639 --> 00:15:59.559 the citrus one I'd gotten him for his birthday last year. 262 00:16:00.240 --> 00:16:03.159 The old bottle vanished, This new one planted on his 263 00:16:03.240 --> 00:16:08.879 shelf unspoken. Our finances rarely came up. I handled bills, 264 00:16:08.879 --> 00:16:12.360 Mark managed other investments, But that week I caught a 265 00:16:12.440 --> 00:16:15.879 note in our joint account, a large withdrawal marked only 266 00:16:16.039 --> 00:16:20.399 thanks the vagueness strung. Only after prodding did Mark say 267 00:16:20.480 --> 00:16:23.679 it was from losing a bet over fantasy football, waving 268 00:16:23.720 --> 00:16:26.720 me off with the slightly theatrical I owe Dan big. 269 00:16:27.000 --> 00:16:30.919 Don't ask me to explain further, babe. Maybe the most 270 00:16:31.000 --> 00:16:34.120 jarring bit. Three times before he set plans for the week, 271 00:16:34.399 --> 00:16:37.639 he checked my schedule, sometimes under the guise of wanting 272 00:16:37.639 --> 00:16:41.120 to co ordinate something special. Don't make plans next Thursday. 273 00:16:41.159 --> 00:16:43.879 I might take you out, but other times for nothing, 274 00:16:44.159 --> 00:16:47.919 just curious. And his laptop, usually left open on the 275 00:16:47.960 --> 00:16:51.879 spare desk, started closing with a sharp click whenever I entered. 276 00:16:52.919 --> 00:16:56.960 I oscillated between feeling like a villainous snoop and feeling invisible. 277 00:16:57.440 --> 00:17:00.600 I stopped myself ten times from stalking through his texts 278 00:17:00.679 --> 00:17:04.079 or emails. What would that even yield? Would seeing a 279 00:17:04.079 --> 00:17:07.480 flirty emoji confirm anything? Or just make me feel worse? 280 00:17:08.000 --> 00:17:10.480 There's a kind of quicksand to this sort of suspicion. 281 00:17:10.839 --> 00:17:14.079 The more you move, the deeper you sink. By the 282 00:17:14.119 --> 00:17:17.759 time next Friday crept up, I felt split. I missed 283 00:17:17.759 --> 00:17:21.960 our old life, the reassuring predictabilities. I hated that my 284 00:17:22.039 --> 00:17:25.319 best hope was for nothing to be wrong. When Mark 285 00:17:25.400 --> 00:17:29.200 breezed in, hair rained flat, carrying a jim bag crammed 286 00:17:29.240 --> 00:17:31.759 with note books, he pressed his lips to my forehead. 287 00:17:31.759 --> 00:17:35.359 A beat too long, Hey, just heading out, thou might 288 00:17:35.440 --> 00:17:38.400 keep us late. Wait up, grabbed dinner for you. It's 289 00:17:38.440 --> 00:17:42.200 in the fridge, he paused, then hesitated at the door. 290 00:17:42.799 --> 00:17:45.079 You know I love you. It caught me off guard. 291 00:17:45.359 --> 00:17:48.680 I managed a smile. I know I meant it. I 292 00:17:48.720 --> 00:17:52.079 wanted to mean it. I watched the window, saw his 293 00:17:52.200 --> 00:17:55.480 uber pull away through lances of rain, then sat with 294 00:17:55.559 --> 00:17:59.960 the silence, plucking nerves one by one. Relief needs to 295 00:18:00.119 --> 00:18:02.880 come from somewhere, reel or it just floats away with 296 00:18:02.920 --> 00:18:06.920 the first breeze. I decided, after three nights of brittle 297 00:18:07.000 --> 00:18:10.279 sleep and silent dinners, to try the old ritual, a 298 00:18:10.359 --> 00:18:14.359 date night. Nothing fancy, just the little Greek place around 299 00:18:14.400 --> 00:18:16.960 the corner where we used to kill hours over mes 300 00:18:17.000 --> 00:18:20.920 platters and too many stories. When I pitched it, Mark 301 00:18:21.000 --> 00:18:25.480 looked grateful, even a little relieved. God, yes, feels like 302 00:18:25.519 --> 00:18:28.240 I haven't seen you in weeks, he said, kissing my 303 00:18:28.359 --> 00:18:31.759 hand in an old fashioned way. The nervous energy that 304 00:18:31.799 --> 00:18:35.519 had haunted his shoulders seemed to drain, replaced by something softer. 305 00:18:36.680 --> 00:18:39.240 Over dinner, he opened up more than he had in weeks, 306 00:18:39.519 --> 00:18:42.559 admitting how his main client at the consulting firm was 307 00:18:42.599 --> 00:18:45.839 getting cold feet, how much pressure he felt to close 308 00:18:45.920 --> 00:18:49.440 the deal. It's not you, he said, picking at his bread. 309 00:18:49.759 --> 00:18:52.640 I just needed some mental space. Didn't want to drag 310 00:18:52.680 --> 00:18:56.720 you into my work stress. He smiled ruefully. I'm sorry 311 00:18:56.759 --> 00:19:00.319 for being such a pain. The urge to question, to 312 00:19:00.359 --> 00:19:04.200 pick at receipts and calendars faded. Maybe I d invented 313 00:19:04.200 --> 00:19:07.279 a mountain from a knot of stress. We lingered over wine, 314 00:19:07.559 --> 00:19:10.880 trading stories about the worst clients and the weirdest meetings. 315 00:19:11.359 --> 00:19:14.319 By the walk home, hands linked in the cold, I 316 00:19:14.359 --> 00:19:17.279 felt the wire in my chest unspooled. For a week, 317 00:19:17.519 --> 00:19:20.519 I made myself trust again, trusted that what I saw 318 00:19:20.599 --> 00:19:23.880 and what I heard were the same thing. Then one 319 00:19:23.960 --> 00:19:27.839 Thursday morning, as I scrambled eggs before work, my phone 320 00:19:27.960 --> 00:19:31.759 pinged with a group chat notification the book club thread 321 00:19:31.799 --> 00:19:35.759 Mark was always using, Except this time the message landed 322 00:19:35.759 --> 00:19:39.319 in my in box, not his. Let's do it again 323 00:19:39.400 --> 00:19:42.960 next Wednesday. This time, I promise we actually talk about 324 00:19:42.960 --> 00:19:46.880 the book. Missed you last night? Mark? It wasn't meant 325 00:19:46.960 --> 00:19:49.960 for me, but it cracked the shell I'd built for myself. 326 00:19:50.440 --> 00:19:53.240 Not only was book club happening without him, he wasn't 327 00:19:53.279 --> 00:19:57.240 even present, and none of his alibis, his careful scheduling 328 00:19:57.480 --> 00:20:00.839 could explain away a message miscent. I stared at the 329 00:20:00.880 --> 00:20:03.599 phone as if it might shift shape and explain itself. 330 00:20:04.640 --> 00:20:07.960 I scrolled back through the thread, the last dates, the 331 00:20:08.000 --> 00:20:12.000 gathering photos, not a single mark in sight any recent week, 332 00:20:12.319 --> 00:20:16.079 and no mention of plans anywhere near by. All the 333 00:20:16.119 --> 00:20:19.279 ease I'd rebuilt from that one night out with Mark curdled. 334 00:20:19.720 --> 00:20:22.559 I didn't speak to him about it, not yet. I 335 00:20:22.680 --> 00:20:26.599 just started paying sharper attention, feeling the old anxiety flare 336 00:20:26.640 --> 00:20:29.160 at the edges. If he hadn't been with book club, 337 00:20:29.400 --> 00:20:32.440 where was he going? What was worth all the elaborate 338 00:20:32.519 --> 00:20:37.359 stories he called that night, his voice warmly familiar, telling 339 00:20:37.400 --> 00:20:41.119 me about a late client dinner. My responses were flat, 340 00:20:41.279 --> 00:20:44.680 stripped to monosyllables. He didn't notice, or pretended not to. 341 00:20:45.240 --> 00:20:47.960 I ducked into the bathroom, and, hands shaking, tried to 342 00:20:48.000 --> 00:20:52.920 reconstruct all the dates, book club, consulting, dinners, wine bar, receipts, 343 00:20:53.160 --> 00:20:57.359 stray long euber rides. It didn't make linear sense, and 344 00:20:57.440 --> 00:21:00.720 that was what made it impossible to ignore. People lie 345 00:21:00.759 --> 00:21:04.559 about little things all the time, but Mark always hated lies, 346 00:21:05.079 --> 00:21:08.839 So why now? I tried to sleep, tossing in the 347 00:21:08.839 --> 00:21:12.799 bed too big for one. Eventually, as dawn snuck through 348 00:21:12.799 --> 00:21:15.839 the blinds, I realized that to get peace, I'd have 349 00:21:15.920 --> 00:21:19.400 to start looking in places I'd always promised myself I wouldn't. 350 00:21:20.400 --> 00:21:23.200 I spent the next two evenings quietly scrolling our old 351 00:21:23.200 --> 00:21:26.799 group chats, flicking through emails for details i'd once ignored. 352 00:21:27.319 --> 00:21:30.799 So much interaction blurred together in the ride app history 353 00:21:30.799 --> 00:21:33.880 we shared almost as a joke. To track receipts, I 354 00:21:34.000 --> 00:21:37.319 noticed a regular pattern. He'd never mentioned. Drop offs at 355 00:21:37.359 --> 00:21:41.079 a boutique hotel near his office, always un supposed book 356 00:21:41.119 --> 00:21:44.799 club nights, always returning home after midnight, or claiming to 357 00:21:45.160 --> 00:21:49.160 crash at Dan's. There were room service charges linked to 358 00:21:49.200 --> 00:21:54.759 our joint account, cleverly masked but repetitive. I became hyperaware 359 00:21:54.839 --> 00:21:58.839 of the choreography of evasion. The moment's Mark double checked 360 00:21:58.839 --> 00:22:02.559 my calendar before his own plans, the quiet closing of 361 00:22:02.599 --> 00:22:06.119 his laptop at my approach, even the ways he volunteered 362 00:22:06.160 --> 00:22:09.960 details that I hadn't asked for. Finally, I made up 363 00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:12.920 an excuse to visit Lisa, dropping off a design book 364 00:22:13.000 --> 00:22:16.559 she'd once mentioned. Her apartment was cluttered with half finished 365 00:22:16.599 --> 00:22:20.200 water colors and plants bursting from coffee mugs. She seemed 366 00:22:20.240 --> 00:22:23.680 out of sorts, nervy, wringing her hands around a chipped mug, 367 00:22:24.400 --> 00:22:28.519 so book club still circling the drain. I asked, breezy 368 00:22:28.559 --> 00:22:32.400 as possible. She froze for half a beat, then shrugged, 369 00:22:32.480 --> 00:22:36.440 not meeting my eye. I haven't gone in weeks, been 370 00:22:36.519 --> 00:22:39.680 so slammed with work. I think Dan's still trying to 371 00:22:39.759 --> 00:22:43.680 keep it together, but honestly I just can't. I pressed 372 00:22:43.680 --> 00:22:46.599 a bit, thought maybe you'd switched knights and saw her 373 00:22:46.680 --> 00:22:50.480 jaw titan. No, it kind of fizzled. Look, Alanna, I 374 00:22:50.559 --> 00:22:54.000 really may be talk to Mark. It's not my business. 375 00:22:54.039 --> 00:22:56.000 She didn't look at me as I left, a faint 376 00:22:56.079 --> 00:22:58.279 flush in her cheeks as she thanked me for the book. 377 00:22:59.319 --> 00:23:02.319 I walked the soft Oggie two blocks home, heart pattering 378 00:23:02.359 --> 00:23:05.839 in time with each step. If Lisa wasn't going, and 379 00:23:05.920 --> 00:23:08.920 if Mark wasn't either, then who was he meeting and 380 00:23:08.960 --> 00:23:13.599 why was he lying so thoroughly, so skillfully. That's Saturday. 381 00:23:13.720 --> 00:23:16.839 I cornered Marissa at the coffee place where she worked weeknds. 382 00:23:17.400 --> 00:23:20.720 I ordered a cappuccino, clutched the ceramic mug as if 383 00:23:20.720 --> 00:23:23.440 it was keeping me upright, and leaned in during a 384 00:23:23.519 --> 00:23:27.599 lull between customers. Marissa, I need to ask you straight 385 00:23:27.920 --> 00:23:30.319 what's been going on with Mark. I just want to 386 00:23:30.359 --> 00:23:33.759 know if he's all right. To her credit or perhaps 387 00:23:33.759 --> 00:23:37.119 her discomfort, she didn't lie outright. She just looked tired, 388 00:23:37.240 --> 00:23:40.799 sadness tugging down her mouth. Alana, I stopped going to 389 00:23:40.839 --> 00:23:43.359 those meet ups a while ago. I saw something I 390 00:23:43.400 --> 00:23:46.519 shouldn't have, and I just couldn't be thereafter. I think 391 00:23:46.519 --> 00:23:49.640 you need to talk to him directly. She wouldn't specify 392 00:23:49.680 --> 00:23:54.039 what something was, but her unease seared through me. Even 393 00:23:54.119 --> 00:23:57.960 Mark's sister, usually so quirkily blunt, shut down after I 394 00:23:58.039 --> 00:24:01.599 texted her our first real extra change in weeks. I 395 00:24:01.640 --> 00:24:04.680 can't really speak for him, she replied, but I hope 396 00:24:04.720 --> 00:24:07.279 you're okay. Let me know if you ever want to talk. 397 00:24:07.920 --> 00:24:12.880 Her old emoji laden enthusiasm was missing. I didn't confront Mark, 398 00:24:13.200 --> 00:24:16.960 not yet. Instead, I spent late evenings the city settled 399 00:24:16.960 --> 00:24:20.240 into its blue hued hush, deep diving into our bank loggins. 400 00:24:20.720 --> 00:24:24.559 The room service charges lined up, neatly matched, ride shares, 401 00:24:24.720 --> 00:24:28.799