Speaker 1: Welcome to the Becoming You Show, where limits get torched
Speaker 1: and possibility takes the mic. I'm Leah Rowing, human in
Speaker 1: permanent beta, neurostrategist, mom to three amazing humans, married to
Speaker 1: one legendary soul, and your no Fluff Permission slate to
Speaker 1: stop waiting. Every week we rewire brain patterns, smash hand
Speaker 1: me down mindsets, and dine into the daring identity shifting
Speaker 1: conversations most people got ready to turn potential into proof.
Speaker 1: Grab your ben Your next chapter starts now. Welcome, Welcome
Speaker 1: to the Becoming You Show. I am your host, Leah Rolling,
Speaker 1: And this is episode four of our June series, the
Speaker 1: finale of the Truth About Relationships, and I want to
Speaker 1: begin by saying thank you, Thank you for being with
Speaker 1: this work for four weeks. Thank you for doing the
Speaker 1: i'll just call it unsexy interior work that doesn't get celebrated,
Speaker 1: that doesn't get seen, that doesn't get applauded, and most
Speaker 1: of the time does not get noticed by anyone else
Speaker 1: in your life except by you, right and of course
Speaker 1: by the people that you get to be in a
Speaker 1: room with the version of you that's on the other
Speaker 1: side of this work. So that is leadership that is becoming.
Speaker 1: That is the work that ripples into every single relationship
Speaker 1: that you have, every conversation, every room that you walk into.
Speaker 1: So thank you for choosing yourself for these four weeks.
Speaker 1: Wherever you are, I'm with you in this final piece
Speaker 1: of this and I'm going to start with a question. Right,
Speaker 1: I want to ask you this today. It is going
Speaker 1: to be the hardest question of the series, and it
Speaker 1: is this. I want you to think of someone in
Speaker 1: your life right now who feels distant, maybe unavailable, maybe
Speaker 1: who's pulled back, who's no longer maybe showing up the
Speaker 1: way they used to. Right, maybe who's on the other
Speaker 1: side of a wall you have them. Okay, Now, I
Speaker 1: want you to ask yourself, slowly and honestly, where did
Speaker 1: I stop showing up? Where did I stop showing up?
Speaker 1: That is the question that we will come back to. Okay, Now,
Speaker 1: not always were you the first to go. Sometimes the
Speaker 1: other person genuinely went silent first.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: Sometimes someone abandoned the relationship and you did what exactly
Speaker 1: a healthy person would do. Right, You step back to
Speaker 1: protect yourself. That happens. That is real, But more often
Speaker 1: than we want to admit, the stone wall is mutual. Okay,
Speaker 1: we pulled back to protect ourselves. We stopped reaching out,
Speaker 1: we stopped initiating, we went cold. We built a wall,
Speaker 1: and then we accused them of building it. And so
Speaker 1: today is the hardest episode of the entire series, but
Speaker 1: it is the most freeing. Okay, we're going to talk
Speaker 1: about boundaries, what they are actually versus what people have
Speaker 1: been miscalling boundaries. We're going to talk about dependency, right
Speaker 1: with the pattern of hosting your emotional life on someone
Speaker 1: else's mood. We're going to talk about the one almost
Speaker 1: nobody sees in themselves, and that's what I'm going to
Speaker 1: call self stone walling for the purposes of this conversation,
Speaker 1: and in that, in that self stone walling conversation, it's
Speaker 1: a wall that you've built that you're still blaming the
Speaker 1: other person for. Right. And then I'm going to bring
Speaker 1: you to the question, another question that has probably changed
Speaker 1: more relationships in my coaching practice than any other single question. Okay,
Speaker 1: I want you to meet this conversation with grace and
Speaker 1: openness and give it twenty four hours before you push back.
Speaker 1: That's all. That's all I'm going to ask. I honor
Speaker 1: your courage to be here in this conversation. It's this
Speaker 1: is not easy work. There's no growth in ease these
Speaker 1: This is the hard conversations. I say in my opener,
Speaker 1: I ask the questions most people dodge. Okay, you're here,
Speaker 1: you're here for them, so thank you. So a boundary,
Speaker 1: what is it? Okay? A boundary is an action you take.
Speaker 1: That's the whole definition. It's a boundary you take. Right.
Speaker 1: A boundary is something you do for you to take
Speaker 1: care of yourself. It is not something that you require
Speaker 1: another person to do. It is not a threat, it
Speaker 1: is not a warning, it's not a demand, and it's
Speaker 1: also not always something that they even have to know about.
Speaker 1: So here are some boundaries. Okay, if someone is smoking
Speaker 1: in this room, I will leave. That's a boundary. If
Speaker 1: someone is yelling in this conversation, I will leave. I
Speaker 1: will end it boundary. If gossip starts in this chat,
Speaker 1: I will remove myself from it. Boundary. If I'm asked
Speaker 1: to do work that violates my values, I will decline. Boundary.
Speaker 1: If I notice that I am drained after having particular
Speaker 1: interactions with particular people, I will spend less time in it. Boundary.
Speaker 1: I want you to notice what these all have in common.
Speaker 1: They are all things that I do, okay, not things
Speaker 1: that they have to do. The boundary protects me, it
Speaker 1: does not control them. So this is what boundaries are not.
Speaker 1: And we get these confused, and when we do, we
Speaker 1: think we're not doing them right. Okay, if you don't
Speaker 1: text me back, you know I will. I will withdraw
Speaker 1: communication with you. That's not a boundary. That's a transaction. Right.
Speaker 1: If you don't remember my birthday and get me what
Speaker 1: I want for it like I asked you to, I
Speaker 1: will give you the silent treatment. Not a boundary. It's
Speaker 1: a rule. It's a rule. It's a manual right have
Speaker 1: with the penalty clause should they not follow it. Okay,
Speaker 1: if you do not agree with me, I will cut
Speaker 1: you out of my life. If you don't agree with
Speaker 1: my religious beliefs, my political reliefs, if you just if
Speaker 1: you don't believe in the goals and the ambitions that
Speaker 1: I have for my life. If you do not agree
Speaker 1: with me in some way, shape or formall cut you out.
Speaker 2: Of my life.
Speaker 1: That's not a boundary. That's an ultimatum. Right. If you
Speaker 1: don't quit your hobby, I won't spend time with you,
Speaker 1: not a boundary, because these are all these are all
Speaker 1: coaching boundaries that I've coached on probably in the last
Speaker 1: two three months. Okay, A boundary protects you, Okay. An
Speaker 1: ultimatum tries to control them. The difference is everything. Is
Speaker 1: this boundary and protection of me? Or is this what
Speaker 1: I'm gonna call a boundary in order to enforce someone
Speaker 1: else's behavior. That's the difference. Okay. A real boundary requires
Speaker 1: nothing from the other person. They get to do what
Speaker 1: they do. You get to take care of you, right.
Speaker 1: The ultimatum requires the other person to complete. Right, They
Speaker 1: get to choose, right between behaving the way that you
Speaker 1: want and or losing access to you not the same thing,
Speaker 1: and the relational pain that's caused by miscalling one the
Speaker 1: other is incredibly enormous. Right. The boundary in itself for
Speaker 1: you is not the hard part. Right, the boundary for
Speaker 1: me to share with you. Should you yell at me,
Speaker 1: I'll walk away. That's not hard. The hard part is
Speaker 1: sitting in discomfort on the other side of that boundary.
Speaker 1: Having them be disappointed in me for not staying to
Speaker 1: be yelled at the boundary is the easy part. The
Speaker 1: discomfort comes in the disappointment that we might cause and
Speaker 1: setting it. That's the real work. The real work isn't
Speaker 1: having the boundary. It's knowing what a boundary is and
Speaker 1: what it isn't. And then it's holding yourself accountable to
Speaker 1: the boundary, regardless of how anyone else will feel, and
Speaker 1: navigating your feelings about how they feel right and allowing
Speaker 1: them to feel whatever it is that they want to
Speaker 1: feel on the other side of your boundary. That's the
Speaker 1: real work. And I want you to also understand that
Speaker 1: you can have boundaries, clear, embodied, enforced, and never threaten anything.
Speaker 1: You don't have to lose your mind to have one.
Speaker 1: You do not have to be upset. You do not
Speaker 1: have to yell, You do not have to scrape right,
Speaker 1: You don't even have to announce your boundaries. You just
Speaker 1: live them. If gossip starts, you leave. You don't have
Speaker 1: to give a whole speech about it. First around, Why
Speaker 1: you have a no gossip tolerance policy? No, you just leave,
Speaker 1: You just exit the group. Okay. If yelling starts, you
Speaker 1: end the conversation. You do not have to issue a
Speaker 1: warning right before every conversation. Hey, if this gets out
Speaker 1: of hand, if you start raising your voice and get
Speaker 1: a leaf. Not required, right. If someone treats you in
Speaker 1: a way, then you will not tolerate. You take the action, right.
Speaker 1: A lecture is not required, You take the action. Okay.
Speaker 1: People who run threats and call them boundaries are usually
Speaker 1: trying to change the other person's behavior. That does not work.
Speaker 1: It's just going to make you more furious, more frustrated,
Speaker 1: more annoyed. It's going to create unnecessary suffering, okay, and
Speaker 1: it's going to create distance and disconnection between you and
Speaker 1: the person. That's not what we want. That's the whole conversation,
Speaker 1: This whole month is around relationships. Okay. So so people
Speaker 1: with boundaries, actual boundaries, real boundaries, the boundaries we're going to
Speaker 1: talk about and we've talked about, are usually trying to
Speaker 1: take care of themselves, okay, and let the other person
Speaker 1: do whatever it is that they're going to do. You
Speaker 1: can do whatever it is that you want. This is
Speaker 1: what I'm going to do. Should you decide to do that?
Speaker 1: Different orientations okay, and they also produce different relationships. So
Speaker 1: I want to talk about dependency, okay. Dependency in relationships
Speaker 1: look like this, Okay, It looks like my emotional state
Speaker 1: is dependent upon what they did, what they said, what
Speaker 1: they didn't do, what they didn't say. Their mood determines mine.
Speaker 1: Their attention determines my worth that their distance determines my peace.
Speaker 1: Their text back time okay determines my whole entire afternoon.
Speaker 1: Their inclusion of me determines my belonging right. Tone of
Speaker 1: voice determines how I sleep. Okay, listen, you are an
Speaker 1: adult human and I love you need to hear me
Speaker 1: say this. You are an adult human with your own brain.
Speaker 1: You get to decide how you feel, not them, not
Speaker 1: their behavior, not their text response time, not their attendance
Speaker 1: to the thing right to you, to anything, not whether
Speaker 1: or not they liked your post.
Speaker 2: You.
Speaker 1: Okay, you are an adult. We could make that excuse
Speaker 1: when we were not adults, when you were young, that
Speaker 1: that that negotiation of emotional wherewithal that that was available.
Speaker 1: It's not an available, it's not available. Now you're an adult.
Speaker 1: You have your own brain. You know now different. You
Speaker 1: can show up different. And I know you guys. I
Speaker 1: know that sounds simplistic, like it just minimizes pain. It
Speaker 1: does not. Okay, the pain is real. The point is source, right, source,
Speaker 1: the source of your emotional experience is you, is your thinking,
Speaker 1: not their behavior. Reclaiming that is not denial of the pain.
Speaker 1: It's sovereignty, and it's actually where it lands, and it's
Speaker 1: actually how and how it can become shifted. So I
Speaker 1: want to be careful here, Okay, on a couple of things.
Speaker 1: We're not talking about abuse. We're not talking about like
Speaker 1: real harm right by way of the abuse physical emotional right,
Speaker 1: we're talking we're not talking about situations that make you unsafe.
Speaker 1: We're talking about the everyday dependency patterns that show up
Speaker 1: in functional relationships. That's the work that I do, Okay.
Speaker 1: The way you check their text response time and decide
Speaker 1: right one their feelings about you from it and there
Speaker 1: and then determine your feelings about it. The way that
Speaker 1: you read their tone of voice and decide you were
Speaker 1: day from it. The way you let their busy week
Speaker 1: become evidence that you don't matter, right, The way that
Speaker 1: you assume ill will and respond in kind. That is dependency.
Speaker 1: And dependency is sneaky. It really is, because it dresses
Speaker 1: up as caring deeply, right, I get this all the time.
Speaker 1: On the other side of my zoom, I just care, Leah,
Speaker 1: I just care so much about this person, and of
Speaker 1: course lea their moods affect me. No, bogus, I'm out
Speaker 1: on that. It doesn't Nope. Caring deeply is about love.
Speaker 1: Dependency is about source. Those are completely different things. You
Speaker 1: can love someone with your whole life and not host
Speaker 1: your emotional well being on what they do or don't do. Okay,
Speaker 1: here's where dependency costs you. And and I'm bring for
Speaker 1: the costs because we still want, we still want to
Speaker 1: depend on other people's well being for ours. No, I
Speaker 1: won't let you. I won't. I won't coach you into that,
Speaker 1: and my effort is to coach you out of that.
Speaker 1: So here are the costs. One, your inner life becomes unstable.
Speaker 1: It just does, because someone else's variability runs your day,
Speaker 1: runs your day, ruins your day. Hype is the best
Speaker 1: part about your day. You're allowing someone else to dictate
Speaker 1: the variability of your own experience in your life. That's crap.
Speaker 1: It's just crap. I don't want that for you, Okay. Two,
Speaker 1: the relationship gets harder, right, not easier, because the other
Speaker 1: person can feel right that they are now responsible for
Speaker 1: your own emotional regulation and this is what they will
Speaker 1: do as humans. This is what you do for the
Speaker 1: humans that you believe, rely on your emotion and all state. Okay,
Speaker 1: we overperform, we underperform, or we pull away. So notice
Speaker 1: where you're overperforming in order to accommodate someone else's discomfort.
Speaker 1: Notice where you're underperforming because it's exhausting and or just
Speaker 1: pulling away. And then I want you, with massive courage
Speaker 1: to think about the relationships in your life and and
Speaker 1: notice where other people are overperforming for your comfort, where
Speaker 1: people are underperforming for your comfort, or they're pulling away
Speaker 1: for their comfort. Right. And the last place that this
Speaker 1: that this costs us is yourself. Right. You lose right
Speaker 1: your own voice because you've been so busy navigating their voice,
Speaker 1: trying to manipulate, trying to like steady and walk on
Speaker 1: eggshells and play cad and please you know them, have
Speaker 1: no idea how to do that for yourself. Okay. The work,
Speaker 1: the work, the same work. This whole series has been
Speaker 1: about always. It's probably what every pot, every episode is about.
Speaker 1: It's coming back home to yourself as truth, coming back
Speaker 1: to yourself as the source, the source for everything, the
Speaker 1: source that you've always been for everything, the source of
Speaker 1: your feelings, the source of your behavior, the source of
Speaker 1: your results, the source of your outcome, the source of
Speaker 1: your future. Okay. And none of this is because connection
Speaker 1: doesn't matter. It's because it does. Connection is everything, but
Speaker 1: connection is healthier when you are not asking it to
Speaker 1: be your foundation. Connecting with yourself first has to be foundation.
Speaker 1: It just has to, Okay. And that leads me to
Speaker 1: this this next piece that I want to throw in
Speaker 1: here because it's important, probably a whole podcast, but I'm
Speaker 1: going to tease it out and just get your feedback.
Speaker 1: I've done it myself, and because i have, I'm calling
Speaker 1: it self stonewalling. Okay. So here's here's how it goes, Okay,
Speaker 1: and this is how it goes for me too. You
Speaker 1: feel hurt, you go quiet, you stop reaching out, you
Speaker 1: stop showing up, you stop initiating, you go cold, You
Speaker 1: build the wall. And then, and this is the part, Okay,
Speaker 1: you accuse the other person of stonewalling you when you
Speaker 1: also were the one that went silent. Okay. We do
Speaker 1: this with parents, We do this with partners, we do
Speaker 1: this with friends, we do this with kids, we do
Speaker 1: this with siblings. We pull back to protect ourselves and
Speaker 1: then experience the resulting distance as evidence that they don't care, right,
Speaker 1: that they're stone walling us. Okay, we participated in the
Speaker 1: construction of that wall, my friends, Okay, we did owning.
Speaker 1: That is huge. It's everything not owning. It looks like
Speaker 1: us just pointing fingers as if it was built solely
Speaker 1: by them. So, if you have someone in your life
Speaker 1: right that you have been telling yourself is distant. Comes
Speaker 1: back to the very first question that we started with.
Speaker 1: I want you to ask the question where did I
Speaker 1: stop showing up? Where did I Where did I pull back?
Speaker 1: Where did I close the door? And then accuse them
Speaker 1: of not knocking? Okay? And again not always okay, are
Speaker 1: you the one that did it first?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 1: Sometimes the other person did go first and then you reacted.
Speaker 1: And sometimes sometimes someone genuinely abandoned the relationship. It happens,
Speaker 1: but more often than most of us want to admit.
Speaker 1: The stone wall is mutual. I don't care who started it.
Speaker 1: Does it matter? Right? Does it really matter? What matters
Speaker 1: is how you meet the wall, not whether you participated
Speaker 1: or they participated in building it first?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 1: When we do that, when the stonewall is mutual, right,
Speaker 1: and we hold them fully responsible for the half we build.
Speaker 1: We lose an opportunity to grow, We lose an opportunity
Speaker 1: to connect, even if it's not with that other person,
Speaker 1: it's to connect with the truth of who we are,
Speaker 1: instead of blaming our participation in the build on them. Okay,
Speaker 1: this is massive awareness because here's the thing. If the
Speaker 1: half you built is yours to own, it's also yours
Speaker 1: to take down. Right, you can't dismantle their half. You
Speaker 1: can only dismantle yours. And if you take down your half, Okay,
Speaker 1: one of three things will happen. One, they will have
Speaker 1: permission to take down theirs. Somebody has to be initiate
Speaker 1: a level of maturity here. Why not you? Why not you?
Speaker 1: Well they should do it first. They started for none
Speaker 1: of that nonsense, none of it, none of it. I
Speaker 1: won't have it, won't have it. Take yours down. See
Speaker 1: what happens. Sometimes they'll take theirs down and a beautiful
Speaker 1: connection can be reborn. I've seen it happen time and
Speaker 1: time and time again. Estranged son's, estranged parents. Somebody has
Speaker 1: to be the adult. Somebody has to bring the conversation
Speaker 1: to the door. Somebody has to take down the wall.
Speaker 1: Let it be you. Let it be you. Number two,
Speaker 1: that can happen. They don't take theirs down, they don't
Speaker 1: they keep it up. Okay, if that happens, you at
Speaker 1: least know what is actually happening instead of accusing them
Speaker 1: of what you were doing. You know your place with
Speaker 1: them now, instead of being in this miserable land of maybe, well,
Speaker 1: maybe they'll come around. Maybe they'll say they're sorry, Maybe
Speaker 1: they'll take down the wall. Maybe maybe they'll do this. No,
Speaker 1: we're not waiting for a Maybe sometime they will do
Speaker 1: something that's outsourcing. That was last episode to side. Today
Speaker 1: we're taking it down. We're just going to see where
Speaker 1: the cars play. Maybe they'll come back and maybe we
Speaker 1: can reunite in a beautiful, connected way and the way
Speaker 1: that we were always supposed to happen. Okay, maybe they won't,
Speaker 1: that was also supposed to happen. Okay, But at least
Speaker 1: now you can grieve cleanly because you're clear on what's true.
Speaker 1: You're not lying to yourself about what's actually happening. Or three,
Speaker 1: you discovered the relationship was over a really long time ago,
Speaker 1: and the wall was the last remaining structure, right, and
Speaker 1: now you can do the work for yourself. Okay. All
Speaker 1: three of those friends are way better, way, way, way
Speaker 1: better than carrying a wall that you built. You participated
Speaker 1: in the build, right, and then resented the other person
Speaker 1: for all of it. Okay. Again, this work requires massive maturity,
Speaker 1: massive levels of consciousness. But you're here listening to this podcast,
Speaker 1: so I believe that you are ready for it. Okay.
Speaker 1: So the last question that I want to bring to you,
Speaker 1: the one that I offered up at the very beginning
Speaker 1: that has changed more more relationships in my coaching practice
Speaker 1: than any other single question, Okay, is the question of
Speaker 1: the mirror. Okay, And that is this, am I? Am
Speaker 1: I doing to me what I'm accusing them of doing
Speaker 1: to me? Right? This requires such courage? Okay? Am I
Speaker 1: accusing someone of not seeing me? Then the question is
Speaker 1: am I seeing myself? Okay? If you're accusing someone of
Speaker 1: not appreciating you honestly, are you appreciating yourself? Are you
Speaker 1: accusing someone of not making time for you? Okay? Are
Speaker 1: you making time for you? Are you accusing someone of
Speaker 1: being unkind to you? Are you being unkind to you? Right?
Speaker 1: Are you accusing someone of withholding love from you? Are
Speaker 1: you withholding love for you. Are you accusing someone of
Speaker 1: not choosing you? Are you choosing you? Are you accusing
Speaker 1: someone of being distant? Are you being distant from you? Right?
Speaker 1: Are you accusing someone of putting other things ahead of you?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 1: Are you putting other things ahead of you? There is
Speaker 1: a mirror in what you want from other people. Right.
Speaker 1: I talk about this in a lot of my podcasts
Speaker 1: around self care. Right, some people say self care is selfish.
Speaker 1: I say self care Isn't you know what I think
Speaker 1: is selfish. What I think is selfish is making other
Speaker 1: people take care of you so you don't have to.
Speaker 1: That's what I think is selfish. And all of these
Speaker 1: are opportunities for you to take care of yourself. And
Speaker 1: here's what happens. When you do. You don't need other
Speaker 1: people to take care of you. Should they do that,
Speaker 1: it's just a bonus. It's just a bonus. And then
Speaker 1: you can love them purely without needing them, without sourcing them,
Speaker 1: without wanting desiring them to be any different for you.
Speaker 1: When you learn how to take care of yourself, you
Speaker 1: do not need anybody to be different because you realize
Speaker 1: that you're the source of care. Okay, almost Every relational
Speaker 1: pain that I coach around has a mirror, has a mirror.
Speaker 1: If you want somebody to be excited and appreciative and
Speaker 1: celebratory of what you're doing, Okay, the mirror is are
Speaker 1: you being appreciative and celebratory of what it is that
Speaker 1: you're doing? That has to be the work because no
Speaker 1: one in this particular, and we can go back and
Speaker 1: dig into every single one of these, nobody's appreciation of
Speaker 1: me is going to be enough that allows my own
Speaker 1: self appreciation to move the needle. If I'm waiting for
Speaker 1: somebody to acknowledge, to appreciate, to validate me in order
Speaker 1: for me to get to the next level of my life,
Speaker 1: it will always be insufficient because I was always the
Speaker 1: one that needed to be that one for me, always
Speaker 1: the one right. So most of us are doing to
Speaker 1: ourselves the very thing that we're accusing the other person
Speaker 1: of doing, and then we're expecting them to give us
Speaker 1: what we are refusing to give ourselves. Right, you're mad
Speaker 1: at your partner for not making you feel chosen. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: you have been choosing your to do list, the kids,
Speaker 1: the house, everything else over your own needs for years.
Speaker 1: You are mad at your parents for not seeing you. Meanwhile, right,
Speaker 1: you've refusing to see yourself, to acknowledge your compliments, accomplishments,
Speaker 1: to take pride in who you've become, right, what you
Speaker 1: have built, what you have endured. Okay, you're mad at
Speaker 1: your kids for not appreciating you. Meanwhile, you do not
Speaker 1: appreciate yourself right out loud in writing on purpose. So
Speaker 1: when I ask my clients this question, and I ask
Speaker 1: k it often there's almost always a pause in a silence,
Speaker 1: and sometimes tears a lot of times tears because the
Speaker 1: recognition is immediate. Oh, oh, I see it. I've been
Speaker 1: demanding from them what I have been refusing to give myself.
Speaker 1: The relationship. I want you to hear me. If you
Speaker 1: don't hear anything else that I say, I want you
Speaker 1: to hear me say this. The relationship will not change.
Speaker 1: No relationship, not any will will not change unless you
Speaker 1: change the relationship with you. That's the whole series, one sentence.
Speaker 1: That is why we have spent four weeks doing the
Speaker 1: inside work. Right, the neutrality of others, the rules that
Speaker 1: you inherited, the outsourcing you okay, and now the mirror.
Speaker 1: The whole series turns on this one question. Because every
Speaker 1: relationship you're in your life is being shaped right now
Speaker 1: by how you are relating to yourself. Change the relationship
Speaker 1: with you, the other relationships start to change as well. Right. So,
Speaker 1: before we close, real quick, a noe on unconditional love, okay,
Speaker 1: because I want to give you something to take into
Speaker 1: the rest of your life. Loving someone unconditionally does not
Speaker 1: mean tolerating harm. It does not mean staying. It does
Speaker 1: not mean access. It does not mean overlooking what they did, okay.
Speaker 1: It does not mean letting them back in. It does
Speaker 1: not mean pretending that they are someone they are not.
Speaker 1: It does not mean continuing the relationship at any cost.
Speaker 1: What it means is this that I get to keep
Speaker 1: loving you in my heart no matter what you do,
Speaker 1: and I get to have boundaries, and I get to
Speaker 1: walk away, and I get to never speak to you again,
Speaker 1: and the love is still mine to keep because love
Speaker 1: is what I'm experiencing inside me. It belongs to me,
Speaker 1: it always did. When you withdraw your love, what you
Speaker 1: are actually doing is depriving yourself of the experience of love. Okay,
Speaker 1: they do not feel it in the way that you
Speaker 1: imagine you do. Love with held hurts you the person
Speaker 1: withholding it, not the person that it's being withheld from. Okay,
Speaker 1: you can love someone fully and walk away. You can
Speaker 1: love someone fully and have firm boundaries. You can love
Speaker 1: someone fully and never see them again. The love stays.
Speaker 1: It was always yours. So the work for this week
Speaker 1: it's three questions. Pick the person you have been working
Speaker 1: with right through this series, pick a new one, it
Speaker 1: does not matter. Question one, What is one real boundary
Speaker 1: I can hold in action that I can take for
Speaker 1: me right that I have been confusing for an ultimand
Speaker 1: for an ultimatum that I've been demanding from them? That's
Speaker 1: question one. Question two? Where am I currently hosting my
Speaker 1: emotional life on this person's behavior? Where am I dependent
Speaker 1: on this person to be different, to say the things,
Speaker 1: to do the things, to be the things? Where am
Speaker 1: I dependent on them? And what does that look like
Speaker 1: to bring it home to me? And then the third
Speaker 1: one is the one right am I doing to me
Speaker 1: what I'm accusing them of doing to me? Most times, friends,
Speaker 1: ninety nine percent of the time, the answer is yes,
Speaker 1: you wouldn't see it in them to not do if you,
Speaker 1: if you were not desperate for it, you would not
Speaker 1: see them not doing the very thing that you're depriving
Speaker 1: yourself of. If you weren't depriving yourself of it, you
Speaker 1: wouldn't need it. I promise you this is true. You
Speaker 1: would not need it from them, And if they did it,
Speaker 1: it would just be like, oh, that's so nice. Not well,
Speaker 1: I've been waiting for that. You've not been waiting for that.
Speaker 1: You've been waiting for you, right, You've been waiting for you.
Speaker 1: So I want to thank you truly for spending these
Speaker 1: weeks with me, for sitting with the hard parts, for
Speaker 1: being willing to consider, even hopefully twenty four hours right
Speaker 1: at a time that I could be right about some
Speaker 1: of this right and for whatever and for in whatever
Speaker 1: way it's not right for you, that's okay too. Okay,
Speaker 1: this work stings a bit, but the person on the
Speaker 1: other side of this work is free. There's there's there's
Speaker 1: more agency, there's more sovereignty. You become more capable of love, right,
Speaker 1: more able to hold themselves and others with truth and
Speaker 1: grace at the same time. Right, So keep going, keep going.
Speaker 1: You are one hundred percent level. They are one hundred
Speaker 1: percent lovable. Right. The work is always love, It always
Speaker 1: has been love. And if this series meant something to you,
Speaker 1: would you please share it? Right? Can you send the
Speaker 1: whole thing to someone? Screenshot, tag post, Tell someone what landed?
Speaker 1: Tell me what landed? Tell me where you're confused, tell
Speaker 1: me where you're just in denial about any of these concepts. Right,
Speaker 1: and if you want more, if you want to explore more,
Speaker 1: join us in inner lab. Right. This is where this
Speaker 1: work is the daily practice. So if you've been listening
Speaker 1: across these four weeks thinking this is the work that
Speaker 1: I want to be doing inside my actual life every day. Ah,
Speaker 1: and you're not in the lab with us, join us,
Speaker 1: Join us in the lab, blink us in the show notes.
Speaker 1: Thank you for being here. I love all of you.
Speaker 1: See you next week.
Speaker 2: If this episode cracked something, open good, let it and
Speaker 2: then head to lea rollincoaching dot com and grab the
Speaker 2: tools to rewire the.
Speaker 1: Story and replay your future. It is yours. And then
Speaker 1: share this with someone who's still waiting to be chosen,
Speaker 1: still waiting for permission, and remind them they don't need
Speaker 1: a breakthrough, that they are the breakthrough. Until next time,
Speaker 1: my beautiful friends, invest in
Speaker 2: You and keep the coming