WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.120 --> 00:00:03.919 Welcome to the Becoming You Show, where limits get torched 2 00:00:04.200 --> 00:00:09.519 and possibility takes the mic. I'm Leah Rowing, human in 3 00:00:09.839 --> 00:00:15.279 permanent beta, neurostrategist, mom to three amazing humans, married to 4 00:00:15.359 --> 00:00:19.800 one legendary soul, and your no Fluff Permission slate to 5 00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:25.679 stop waiting. Every week we rewire brain patterns, smash hand 6 00:00:25.719 --> 00:00:29.879 me down mindsets, and dine into the daring identity shifting 7 00:00:29.920 --> 00:00:35.439 conversations most people got ready to turn potential into proof. 8 00:00:35.799 --> 00:00:43.880 Grab your ben Your next chapter starts now. Welcome, Welcome 9 00:00:44.280 --> 00:00:47.520 to the Becoming You Show. I am your host, Leah Rolling, 10 00:00:47.960 --> 00:00:52.759 And this is episode four of our June series, the 11 00:00:52.759 --> 00:00:56.320 finale of the Truth About Relationships, and I want to 12 00:00:56.359 --> 00:01:00.520 begin by saying thank you, Thank you for being with 13 00:01:00.600 --> 00:01:03.079 this work for four weeks. Thank you for doing the 14 00:01:04.879 --> 00:01:10.439 i'll just call it unsexy interior work that doesn't get celebrated, 15 00:01:10.480 --> 00:01:13.079 that doesn't get seen, that doesn't get applauded, and most 16 00:01:13.120 --> 00:01:15.359 of the time does not get noticed by anyone else 17 00:01:15.359 --> 00:01:18.840 in your life except by you, right and of course 18 00:01:18.879 --> 00:01:20.239 by the people that you get to be in a 19 00:01:20.319 --> 00:01:23.079 room with the version of you that's on the other 20 00:01:23.120 --> 00:01:26.200 side of this work. So that is leadership that is becoming. 21 00:01:26.239 --> 00:01:30.359 That is the work that ripples into every single relationship 22 00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:34.439 that you have, every conversation, every room that you walk into. 23 00:01:34.480 --> 00:01:38.680 So thank you for choosing yourself for these four weeks. 24 00:01:39.319 --> 00:01:42.040 Wherever you are, I'm with you in this final piece 25 00:01:42.079 --> 00:01:44.680 of this and I'm going to start with a question. Right, 26 00:01:44.719 --> 00:01:47.400 I want to ask you this today. It is going 27 00:01:47.439 --> 00:01:51.719 to be the hardest question of the series, and it 28 00:01:51.760 --> 00:01:53.280 is this. I want you to think of someone in 29 00:01:53.319 --> 00:01:59.159 your life right now who feels distant, maybe unavailable, maybe 30 00:01:59.159 --> 00:02:03.079 who's pulled back, who's no longer maybe showing up the 31 00:02:03.120 --> 00:02:06.159 way they used to. Right, maybe who's on the other 32 00:02:06.200 --> 00:02:11.560 side of a wall you have them. Okay, Now, I 33 00:02:11.599 --> 00:02:15.719 want you to ask yourself, slowly and honestly, where did 34 00:02:15.800 --> 00:02:19.400 I stop showing up? Where did I stop showing up? 35 00:02:19.479 --> 00:02:23.360 That is the question that we will come back to. Okay, Now, 36 00:02:24.560 --> 00:02:28.800 not always were you the first to go. Sometimes the 37 00:02:28.879 --> 00:02:31.360 other person genuinely went silent first. 38 00:02:31.479 --> 00:02:31.639 Right. 39 00:02:31.680 --> 00:02:37.960 Sometimes someone abandoned the relationship and you did what exactly 40 00:02:39.719 --> 00:02:42.159 a healthy person would do. Right, You step back to 41 00:02:42.280 --> 00:02:46.240 protect yourself. That happens. That is real, But more often 42 00:02:46.680 --> 00:02:51.479 than we want to admit, the stone wall is mutual. Okay, 43 00:02:51.879 --> 00:02:55.120 we pulled back to protect ourselves. We stopped reaching out, 44 00:02:55.319 --> 00:02:59.599 we stopped initiating, we went cold. We built a wall, 45 00:03:00.960 --> 00:03:06.039 and then we accused them of building it. And so 46 00:03:06.080 --> 00:03:09.039 today is the hardest episode of the entire series, but 47 00:03:09.120 --> 00:03:12.719 it is the most freeing. Okay, we're going to talk 48 00:03:12.719 --> 00:03:18.639 about boundaries, what they are actually versus what people have 49 00:03:18.680 --> 00:03:21.520 been miscalling boundaries. We're going to talk about dependency, right 50 00:03:21.680 --> 00:03:26.759 with the pattern of hosting your emotional life on someone 51 00:03:26.759 --> 00:03:30.400 else's mood. We're going to talk about the one almost 52 00:03:30.560 --> 00:03:35.039 nobody sees in themselves, and that's what I'm going to 53 00:03:35.120 --> 00:03:38.280 call self stone walling for the purposes of this conversation, 54 00:03:38.960 --> 00:03:44.000 and in that, in that self stone walling conversation, it's 55 00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:47.520 a wall that you've built that you're still blaming the 56 00:03:47.560 --> 00:03:50.439 other person for. Right. And then I'm going to bring 57 00:03:50.479 --> 00:03:54.639 you to the question, another question that has probably changed 58 00:03:54.639 --> 00:03:58.199 more relationships in my coaching practice than any other single question. Okay, 59 00:03:59.719 --> 00:04:04.960 I want you to meet this conversation with grace and 60 00:04:05.719 --> 00:04:09.120 openness and give it twenty four hours before you push back. 61 00:04:09.159 --> 00:04:12.520 That's all. That's all I'm going to ask. I honor 62 00:04:12.560 --> 00:04:15.199 your courage to be here in this conversation. It's this 63 00:04:15.280 --> 00:04:19.920 is not easy work. There's no growth in ease these 64 00:04:20.439 --> 00:04:23.199 This is the hard conversations. I say in my opener, 65 00:04:23.560 --> 00:04:28.160 I ask the questions most people dodge. Okay, you're here, 66 00:04:28.480 --> 00:04:31.759 you're here for them, so thank you. So a boundary, 67 00:04:31.800 --> 00:04:34.759 what is it? Okay? A boundary is an action you take. 68 00:04:35.560 --> 00:04:38.560 That's the whole definition. It's a boundary you take. Right. 69 00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:41.240 A boundary is something you do for you to take 70 00:04:41.279 --> 00:04:43.199 care of yourself. It is not something that you require 71 00:04:43.199 --> 00:04:45.079 another person to do. It is not a threat, it 72 00:04:45.120 --> 00:04:48.079 is not a warning, it's not a demand, and it's 73 00:04:48.120 --> 00:04:51.240 also not always something that they even have to know about. 74 00:04:52.000 --> 00:04:55.879 So here are some boundaries. Okay, if someone is smoking 75 00:04:55.920 --> 00:04:57.800 in this room, I will leave. That's a boundary. If 76 00:04:57.839 --> 00:05:00.959 someone is yelling in this conversation, I will leave. I 77 00:05:00.959 --> 00:05:04.000 will end it boundary. If gossip starts in this chat, 78 00:05:04.319 --> 00:05:07.839 I will remove myself from it. Boundary. If I'm asked 79 00:05:08.240 --> 00:05:11.560 to do work that violates my values, I will decline. Boundary. 80 00:05:11.920 --> 00:05:15.399 If I notice that I am drained after having particular 81 00:05:15.439 --> 00:05:20.600 interactions with particular people, I will spend less time in it. Boundary. 82 00:05:20.839 --> 00:05:23.040 I want you to notice what these all have in common. 83 00:05:23.439 --> 00:05:26.199 They are all things that I do, okay, not things 84 00:05:26.199 --> 00:05:29.120 that they have to do. The boundary protects me, it 85 00:05:29.160 --> 00:05:32.759 does not control them. So this is what boundaries are not. 86 00:05:32.839 --> 00:05:37.680 And we get these confused, and when we do, we 87 00:05:37.720 --> 00:05:42.199 think we're not doing them right. Okay, if you don't 88 00:05:42.199 --> 00:05:46.759 text me back, you know I will. I will withdraw 89 00:05:46.879 --> 00:05:50.199 communication with you. That's not a boundary. That's a transaction. Right. 90 00:05:50.360 --> 00:05:53.040 If you don't remember my birthday and get me what 91 00:05:53.160 --> 00:05:55.600 I want for it like I asked you to, I 92 00:05:55.600 --> 00:05:58.000 will give you the silent treatment. Not a boundary. It's 93 00:05:58.000 --> 00:06:00.240 a rule. It's a rule. It's a manual right have 94 00:06:00.279 --> 00:06:02.959 with the penalty clause should they not follow it. Okay, 95 00:06:03.000 --> 00:06:05.360 if you do not agree with me, I will cut 96 00:06:05.360 --> 00:06:07.759 you out of my life. If you don't agree with 97 00:06:07.800 --> 00:06:11.720 my religious beliefs, my political reliefs, if you just if 98 00:06:11.720 --> 00:06:14.399 you don't believe in the goals and the ambitions that 99 00:06:14.399 --> 00:06:15.920 I have for my life. If you do not agree 100 00:06:15.959 --> 00:06:17.920 with me in some way, shape or formall cut you out. 101 00:06:17.800 --> 00:06:18.079 Of my life. 102 00:06:18.079 --> 00:06:20.959 That's not a boundary. That's an ultimatum. Right. If you 103 00:06:21.000 --> 00:06:24.399 don't quit your hobby, I won't spend time with you, 104 00:06:24.439 --> 00:06:27.040 not a boundary, because these are all these are all 105 00:06:27.120 --> 00:06:29.759 coaching boundaries that I've coached on probably in the last 106 00:06:30.240 --> 00:06:36.199 two three months. Okay, A boundary protects you, Okay. An 107 00:06:36.279 --> 00:06:40.199 ultimatum tries to control them. The difference is everything. Is 108 00:06:40.240 --> 00:06:43.040 this boundary and protection of me? Or is this what 109 00:06:43.079 --> 00:06:46.319 I'm gonna call a boundary in order to enforce someone 110 00:06:46.319 --> 00:06:50.519 else's behavior. That's the difference. Okay. A real boundary requires 111 00:06:50.879 --> 00:06:53.720 nothing from the other person. They get to do what 112 00:06:53.759 --> 00:06:56.959 they do. You get to take care of you, right. 113 00:06:57.079 --> 00:07:01.720 The ultimatum requires the other person to complete. Right, They 114 00:07:01.759 --> 00:07:05.120 get to choose, right between behaving the way that you 115 00:07:05.199 --> 00:07:09.639 want and or losing access to you not the same thing, 116 00:07:09.920 --> 00:07:13.279 and the relational pain that's caused by miscalling one the 117 00:07:13.360 --> 00:07:17.800 other is incredibly enormous. Right. The boundary in itself for 118 00:07:17.879 --> 00:07:21.639 you is not the hard part. Right, the boundary for 119 00:07:21.680 --> 00:07:23.759 me to share with you. Should you yell at me, 120 00:07:23.800 --> 00:07:27.199 I'll walk away. That's not hard. The hard part is 121 00:07:27.240 --> 00:07:29.879 sitting in discomfort on the other side of that boundary. 122 00:07:30.600 --> 00:07:32.879 Having them be disappointed in me for not staying to 123 00:07:32.879 --> 00:07:35.720 be yelled at the boundary is the easy part. The 124 00:07:35.759 --> 00:07:38.720 discomfort comes in the disappointment that we might cause and 125 00:07:38.759 --> 00:07:41.639 setting it. That's the real work. The real work isn't 126 00:07:41.680 --> 00:07:43.959 having the boundary. It's knowing what a boundary is and 127 00:07:44.000 --> 00:07:47.879 what it isn't. And then it's holding yourself accountable to 128 00:07:47.920 --> 00:07:50.519 the boundary, regardless of how anyone else will feel, and 129 00:07:50.639 --> 00:07:54.040 navigating your feelings about how they feel right and allowing 130 00:07:54.079 --> 00:07:55.759 them to feel whatever it is that they want to 131 00:07:55.800 --> 00:07:58.120 feel on the other side of your boundary. That's the 132 00:07:58.120 --> 00:08:01.240 real work. And I want you to also understand that 133 00:08:01.279 --> 00:08:05.920 you can have boundaries, clear, embodied, enforced, and never threaten anything. 134 00:08:05.920 --> 00:08:07.399 You don't have to lose your mind to have one. 135 00:08:07.439 --> 00:08:08.680 You do not have to be upset. You do not 136 00:08:08.720 --> 00:08:10.480 have to yell, You do not have to scrape right, 137 00:08:10.480 --> 00:08:12.199 You don't even have to announce your boundaries. You just 138 00:08:12.240 --> 00:08:14.560 live them. If gossip starts, you leave. You don't have 139 00:08:14.600 --> 00:08:17.519 to give a whole speech about it. First around, Why 140 00:08:17.879 --> 00:08:20.439 you have a no gossip tolerance policy? No, you just leave, 141 00:08:20.560 --> 00:08:24.680 You just exit the group. Okay. If yelling starts, you 142 00:08:24.759 --> 00:08:26.600 end the conversation. You do not have to issue a 143 00:08:26.639 --> 00:08:31.439 warning right before every conversation. Hey, if this gets out 144 00:08:31.480 --> 00:08:32.960 of hand, if you start raising your voice and get 145 00:08:32.960 --> 00:08:36.039 a leaf. Not required, right. If someone treats you in 146 00:08:36.080 --> 00:08:40.600 a way, then you will not tolerate. You take the action, right. 147 00:08:41.200 --> 00:08:43.799 A lecture is not required, You take the action. Okay. 148 00:08:44.240 --> 00:08:48.240 People who run threats and call them boundaries are usually 149 00:08:48.279 --> 00:08:52.919 trying to change the other person's behavior. That does not work. 150 00:08:52.960 --> 00:08:55.840 It's just going to make you more furious, more frustrated, 151 00:08:55.919 --> 00:08:59.440 more annoyed. It's going to create unnecessary suffering, okay, and 152 00:08:59.519 --> 00:09:02.480 it's going to create distance and disconnection between you and 153 00:09:02.519 --> 00:09:06.200 the person. That's not what we want. That's the whole conversation, 154 00:09:06.279 --> 00:09:10.759 This whole month is around relationships. Okay. So so people 155 00:09:10.799 --> 00:09:14.440 with boundaries, actual boundaries, real boundaries, the boundaries we're going to 156 00:09:14.480 --> 00:09:16.440 talk about and we've talked about, are usually trying to 157 00:09:16.440 --> 00:09:18.960 take care of themselves, okay, and let the other person 158 00:09:19.000 --> 00:09:20.600 do whatever it is that they're going to do. You 159 00:09:20.600 --> 00:09:22.120 can do whatever it is that you want. This is 160 00:09:22.159 --> 00:09:24.480 what I'm going to do. Should you decide to do that? 161 00:09:25.080 --> 00:09:29.399 Different orientations okay, and they also produce different relationships. So 162 00:09:29.440 --> 00:09:34.399 I want to talk about dependency, okay. Dependency in relationships 163 00:09:34.399 --> 00:09:37.799 look like this, Okay, It looks like my emotional state 164 00:09:38.480 --> 00:09:41.960 is dependent upon what they did, what they said, what 165 00:09:42.000 --> 00:09:45.519 they didn't do, what they didn't say. Their mood determines mine. 166 00:09:45.679 --> 00:09:49.960 Their attention determines my worth that their distance determines my peace. 167 00:09:50.200 --> 00:09:54.720 Their text back time okay determines my whole entire afternoon. 168 00:09:55.279 --> 00:10:00.399 Their inclusion of me determines my belonging right. Tone of 169 00:10:00.480 --> 00:10:07.960 voice determines how I sleep. Okay, listen, you are an 170 00:10:08.000 --> 00:10:11.639 adult human and I love you need to hear me 171 00:10:11.679 --> 00:10:14.919 say this. You are an adult human with your own brain. 172 00:10:15.840 --> 00:10:19.799 You get to decide how you feel, not them, not 173 00:10:19.879 --> 00:10:23.879 their behavior, not their text response time, not their attendance 174 00:10:24.360 --> 00:10:27.840 to the thing right to you, to anything, not whether 175 00:10:27.960 --> 00:10:29.039 or not they liked your post. 176 00:10:30.200 --> 00:10:30.279 You. 177 00:10:31.000 --> 00:10:35.639 Okay, you are an adult. We could make that excuse 178 00:10:35.679 --> 00:10:39.799 when we were not adults, when you were young, that 179 00:10:40.240 --> 00:10:47.320 that that negotiation of emotional wherewithal that that was available. 180 00:10:47.679 --> 00:10:50.320 It's not an available, it's not available. Now you're an adult. 181 00:10:50.399 --> 00:10:53.120 You have your own brain. You know now different. You 182 00:10:53.759 --> 00:10:56.639 can show up different. And I know you guys. I 183 00:10:56.720 --> 00:11:00.879 know that sounds simplistic, like it just minimizes pain. It 184 00:11:01.200 --> 00:11:08.960 does not. Okay, the pain is real. The point is source, right, source, 185 00:11:09.840 --> 00:11:14.320 the source of your emotional experience is you, is your thinking, 186 00:11:14.600 --> 00:11:19.440 not their behavior. Reclaiming that is not denial of the pain. 187 00:11:21.279 --> 00:11:24.360 It's sovereignty, and it's actually where it lands, and it's 188 00:11:24.440 --> 00:11:28.799 actually how and how it can become shifted. So I 189 00:11:28.879 --> 00:11:32.080 want to be careful here, Okay, on a couple of things. 190 00:11:32.120 --> 00:11:35.200 We're not talking about abuse. We're not talking about like 191 00:11:35.320 --> 00:11:40.279 real harm right by way of the abuse physical emotional right, 192 00:11:40.600 --> 00:11:46.480 we're talking we're not talking about situations that make you unsafe. 193 00:11:46.600 --> 00:11:50.480 We're talking about the everyday dependency patterns that show up 194 00:11:50.519 --> 00:11:54.240 in functional relationships. That's the work that I do, Okay. 195 00:11:54.279 --> 00:11:58.919 The way you check their text response time and decide 196 00:11:59.559 --> 00:12:03.240 right one their feelings about you from it and there 197 00:12:03.320 --> 00:12:06.559 and then determine your feelings about it. The way that 198 00:12:06.639 --> 00:12:09.360 you read their tone of voice and decide you were 199 00:12:09.440 --> 00:12:12.279 day from it. The way you let their busy week 200 00:12:12.360 --> 00:12:14.799 become evidence that you don't matter, right, The way that 201 00:12:14.919 --> 00:12:19.360 you assume ill will and respond in kind. That is dependency. 202 00:12:19.679 --> 00:12:22.799 And dependency is sneaky. It really is, because it dresses 203 00:12:22.879 --> 00:12:27.399 up as caring deeply, right, I get this all the time. 204 00:12:27.440 --> 00:12:29.879 On the other side of my zoom, I just care, Leah, 205 00:12:29.919 --> 00:12:32.679 I just care so much about this person, and of 206 00:12:32.759 --> 00:12:37.480 course lea their moods affect me. No, bogus, I'm out 207 00:12:37.519 --> 00:12:42.559 on that. It doesn't Nope. Caring deeply is about love. 208 00:12:43.480 --> 00:12:47.559 Dependency is about source. Those are completely different things. You 209 00:12:47.600 --> 00:12:52.399 can love someone with your whole life and not host 210 00:12:52.600 --> 00:12:55.720 your emotional well being on what they do or don't do. Okay, 211 00:12:56.480 --> 00:12:59.840 here's where dependency costs you. And and I'm bring for 212 00:13:00.159 --> 00:13:03.919 the costs because we still want, we still want to 213 00:13:03.960 --> 00:13:07.240 depend on other people's well being for ours. No, I 214 00:13:07.279 --> 00:13:11.080 won't let you. I won't. I won't coach you into that, 215 00:13:11.480 --> 00:13:13.200 and my effort is to coach you out of that. 216 00:13:13.440 --> 00:13:17.759 So here are the costs. One, your inner life becomes unstable. 217 00:13:19.080 --> 00:13:23.480 It just does, because someone else's variability runs your day, 218 00:13:24.000 --> 00:13:28.120 runs your day, ruins your day. Hype is the best 219 00:13:28.159 --> 00:13:31.720 part about your day. You're allowing someone else to dictate 220 00:13:31.759 --> 00:13:36.320 the variability of your own experience in your life. That's crap. 221 00:13:36.799 --> 00:13:40.399 It's just crap. I don't want that for you, Okay. Two, 222 00:13:41.159 --> 00:13:45.840 the relationship gets harder, right, not easier, because the other 223 00:13:45.919 --> 00:13:49.759 person can feel right that they are now responsible for 224 00:13:49.799 --> 00:13:52.879 your own emotional regulation and this is what they will 225 00:13:52.919 --> 00:13:57.080 do as humans. This is what you do for the 226 00:13:57.159 --> 00:14:01.360 humans that you believe, rely on your emotion and all state. Okay, 227 00:14:01.720 --> 00:14:07.440 we overperform, we underperform, or we pull away. So notice 228 00:14:07.480 --> 00:14:13.080 where you're overperforming in order to accommodate someone else's discomfort. 229 00:14:13.720 --> 00:14:19.039 Notice where you're underperforming because it's exhausting and or just 230 00:14:19.080 --> 00:14:23.279 pulling away. And then I want you, with massive courage 231 00:14:23.559 --> 00:14:26.720 to think about the relationships in your life and and 232 00:14:26.879 --> 00:14:32.320 notice where other people are overperforming for your comfort, where 233 00:14:32.360 --> 00:14:35.600 people are underperforming for your comfort, or they're pulling away 234 00:14:37.039 --> 00:14:40.799 for their comfort. Right. And the last place that this 235 00:14:41.080 --> 00:14:46.399 that this costs us is yourself. Right. You lose right 236 00:14:46.799 --> 00:14:52.480 your own voice because you've been so busy navigating their voice, 237 00:14:52.600 --> 00:14:57.440 trying to manipulate, trying to like steady and walk on 238 00:14:57.480 --> 00:15:01.879 eggshells and play cad and please you know them, have 239 00:15:02.120 --> 00:15:05.480 no idea how to do that for yourself. Okay. The work, 240 00:15:05.840 --> 00:15:08.519 the work, the same work. This whole series has been 241 00:15:08.519 --> 00:15:13.039 about always. It's probably what every pot, every episode is about. 242 00:15:13.240 --> 00:15:18.320 It's coming back home to yourself as truth, coming back 243 00:15:18.440 --> 00:15:21.759 to yourself as the source, the source for everything, the 244 00:15:21.799 --> 00:15:25.919 source that you've always been for everything, the source of 245 00:15:25.919 --> 00:15:28.200 your feelings, the source of your behavior, the source of 246 00:15:28.240 --> 00:15:30.200 your results, the source of your outcome, the source of 247 00:15:30.240 --> 00:15:34.840 your future. Okay. And none of this is because connection 248 00:15:34.919 --> 00:15:39.960 doesn't matter. It's because it does. Connection is everything, but 249 00:15:40.039 --> 00:15:43.799 connection is healthier when you are not asking it to 250 00:15:43.960 --> 00:15:48.759 be your foundation. Connecting with yourself first has to be foundation. 251 00:15:48.960 --> 00:15:52.320 It just has to, Okay. And that leads me to 252 00:15:53.240 --> 00:15:57.120 this this next piece that I want to throw in 253 00:15:57.159 --> 00:16:00.639 here because it's important, probably a whole podcast, but I'm 254 00:16:00.639 --> 00:16:02.600 going to tease it out and just get your feedback. 255 00:16:04.840 --> 00:16:09.559 I've done it myself, and because i have, I'm calling 256 00:16:09.600 --> 00:16:14.919 it self stonewalling. Okay. So here's here's how it goes, Okay, 257 00:16:15.120 --> 00:16:17.240 and this is how it goes for me too. You 258 00:16:17.279 --> 00:16:20.519 feel hurt, you go quiet, you stop reaching out, you 259 00:16:20.559 --> 00:16:23.039 stop showing up, you stop initiating, you go cold, You 260 00:16:23.120 --> 00:16:28.480 build the wall. And then, and this is the part, Okay, 261 00:16:28.799 --> 00:16:32.000 you accuse the other person of stonewalling you when you 262 00:16:32.120 --> 00:16:34.320 also were the one that went silent. Okay. We do 263 00:16:34.399 --> 00:16:36.440 this with parents, We do this with partners, we do 264 00:16:36.480 --> 00:16:38.240 this with friends, we do this with kids, we do 265 00:16:38.320 --> 00:16:41.559 this with siblings. We pull back to protect ourselves and 266 00:16:41.600 --> 00:16:47.279 then experience the resulting distance as evidence that they don't care, right, 267 00:16:48.080 --> 00:16:52.879 that they're stone walling us. Okay, we participated in the 268 00:16:52.919 --> 00:16:58.240 construction of that wall, my friends, Okay, we did owning. 269 00:16:58.440 --> 00:17:01.799 That is huge. It's everything not owning. It looks like 270 00:17:01.879 --> 00:17:04.960 us just pointing fingers as if it was built solely 271 00:17:05.000 --> 00:17:08.240 by them. So, if you have someone in your life 272 00:17:08.799 --> 00:17:11.880 right that you have been telling yourself is distant. Comes 273 00:17:11.880 --> 00:17:14.359 back to the very first question that we started with. 274 00:17:14.519 --> 00:17:16.839 I want you to ask the question where did I 275 00:17:16.960 --> 00:17:20.279 stop showing up? Where did I Where did I pull back? 276 00:17:20.480 --> 00:17:22.960 Where did I close the door? And then accuse them 277 00:17:22.960 --> 00:17:28.559 of not knocking? Okay? And again not always okay, are 278 00:17:28.599 --> 00:17:30.400 you the one that did it first? 279 00:17:30.440 --> 00:17:30.720 Okay? 280 00:17:30.759 --> 00:17:33.720 Sometimes the other person did go first and then you reacted. 281 00:17:33.799 --> 00:17:38.400 And sometimes sometimes someone genuinely abandoned the relationship. It happens, 282 00:17:39.559 --> 00:17:41.559 but more often than most of us want to admit. 283 00:17:41.880 --> 00:17:45.200 The stone wall is mutual. I don't care who started it. 284 00:17:45.240 --> 00:17:49.640 Does it matter? Right? Does it really matter? What matters 285 00:17:49.880 --> 00:17:54.440 is how you meet the wall, not whether you participated 286 00:17:54.559 --> 00:17:56.319 or they participated in building it first? 287 00:17:56.759 --> 00:17:57.039 Okay? 288 00:17:58.799 --> 00:18:02.440 When we do that, when the stonewall is mutual, right, 289 00:18:02.799 --> 00:18:07.000 and we hold them fully responsible for the half we build. 290 00:18:07.400 --> 00:18:10.200 We lose an opportunity to grow, We lose an opportunity 291 00:18:10.240 --> 00:18:12.759 to connect, even if it's not with that other person, 292 00:18:12.799 --> 00:18:14.519 it's to connect with the truth of who we are, 293 00:18:15.039 --> 00:18:23.519 instead of blaming our participation in the build on them. Okay, 294 00:18:23.680 --> 00:18:27.119 this is massive awareness because here's the thing. If the 295 00:18:27.240 --> 00:18:32.039 half you built is yours to own, it's also yours 296 00:18:32.039 --> 00:18:36.839 to take down. Right, you can't dismantle their half. You 297 00:18:36.880 --> 00:18:41.920 can only dismantle yours. And if you take down your half, Okay, 298 00:18:42.440 --> 00:18:45.759 one of three things will happen. One, they will have 299 00:18:45.799 --> 00:18:51.720 permission to take down theirs. Somebody has to be initiate 300 00:18:51.880 --> 00:18:56.599 a level of maturity here. Why not you? Why not you? 301 00:18:57.160 --> 00:18:59.039 Well they should do it first. They started for none 302 00:18:59.079 --> 00:19:01.519 of that nonsense, none of it, none of it. I 303 00:19:01.519 --> 00:19:05.200 won't have it, won't have it. Take yours down. See 304 00:19:05.200 --> 00:19:09.200 what happens. Sometimes they'll take theirs down and a beautiful 305 00:19:09.480 --> 00:19:14.640 connection can be reborn. I've seen it happen time and 306 00:19:14.720 --> 00:19:19.640 time and time again. Estranged son's, estranged parents. Somebody has 307 00:19:19.680 --> 00:19:22.160 to be the adult. Somebody has to bring the conversation 308 00:19:22.400 --> 00:19:24.640 to the door. Somebody has to take down the wall. 309 00:19:25.200 --> 00:19:28.839 Let it be you. Let it be you. Number two, 310 00:19:28.960 --> 00:19:32.279 that can happen. They don't take theirs down, they don't 311 00:19:32.319 --> 00:19:36.720 they keep it up. Okay, if that happens, you at 312 00:19:36.799 --> 00:19:41.480 least know what is actually happening instead of accusing them 313 00:19:41.680 --> 00:19:44.000 of what you were doing. You know your place with 314 00:19:44.079 --> 00:19:49.279 them now, instead of being in this miserable land of maybe, well, 315 00:19:49.319 --> 00:19:51.440 maybe they'll come around. Maybe they'll say they're sorry, Maybe 316 00:19:51.440 --> 00:19:53.559 they'll take down the wall. Maybe maybe they'll do this. No, 317 00:19:53.880 --> 00:19:56.000 we're not waiting for a Maybe sometime they will do 318 00:19:56.079 --> 00:20:00.920 something that's outsourcing. That was last episode to side. Today 319 00:20:00.960 --> 00:20:02.559 we're taking it down. We're just going to see where 320 00:20:02.559 --> 00:20:05.000 the cars play. Maybe they'll come back and maybe we 321 00:20:05.039 --> 00:20:08.160 can reunite in a beautiful, connected way and the way 322 00:20:08.160 --> 00:20:11.319 that we were always supposed to happen. Okay, maybe they won't, 323 00:20:11.440 --> 00:20:13.559 that was also supposed to happen. Okay, But at least 324 00:20:13.559 --> 00:20:18.119 now you can grieve cleanly because you're clear on what's true. 325 00:20:18.240 --> 00:20:22.960 You're not lying to yourself about what's actually happening. Or three, 326 00:20:23.480 --> 00:20:26.400 you discovered the relationship was over a really long time ago, 327 00:20:26.599 --> 00:20:30.960 and the wall was the last remaining structure, right, and 328 00:20:31.039 --> 00:20:36.160 now you can do the work for yourself. Okay. All 329 00:20:36.200 --> 00:20:39.759 three of those friends are way better, way, way, way 330 00:20:39.799 --> 00:20:44.000 better than carrying a wall that you built. You participated 331 00:20:44.039 --> 00:20:47.519 in the build, right, and then resented the other person 332 00:20:47.599 --> 00:20:54.400 for all of it. Okay. Again, this work requires massive maturity, 333 00:20:54.599 --> 00:20:57.920 massive levels of consciousness. But you're here listening to this podcast, 334 00:21:00.240 --> 00:21:03.680 so I believe that you are ready for it. Okay. 335 00:21:03.960 --> 00:21:07.119 So the last question that I want to bring to you, 336 00:21:07.200 --> 00:21:08.839 the one that I offered up at the very beginning 337 00:21:08.839 --> 00:21:13.400 that has changed more more relationships in my coaching practice 338 00:21:13.400 --> 00:21:16.279 than any other single question, Okay, is the question of 339 00:21:16.319 --> 00:21:21.240 the mirror. Okay, And that is this, am I? Am 340 00:21:21.400 --> 00:21:24.680 I doing to me what I'm accusing them of doing 341 00:21:24.720 --> 00:21:33.720 to me? Right? This requires such courage? Okay? Am I 342 00:21:33.799 --> 00:21:37.519 accusing someone of not seeing me? Then the question is 343 00:21:38.960 --> 00:21:42.480 am I seeing myself? Okay? If you're accusing someone of 344 00:21:42.480 --> 00:21:48.599 not appreciating you honestly, are you appreciating yourself? Are you 345 00:21:48.920 --> 00:21:54.000 accusing someone of not making time for you? Okay? Are 346 00:21:54.000 --> 00:21:56.599 you making time for you? Are you accusing someone of 347 00:21:56.599 --> 00:22:01.400 being unkind to you? Are you being unkind to you? Right? 348 00:22:01.440 --> 00:22:04.559 Are you accusing someone of withholding love from you? Are 349 00:22:04.559 --> 00:22:08.000 you withholding love for you. Are you accusing someone of 350 00:22:08.039 --> 00:22:10.880 not choosing you? Are you choosing you? Are you accusing 351 00:22:10.920 --> 00:22:15.279 someone of being distant? Are you being distant from you? Right? 352 00:22:15.319 --> 00:22:19.039 Are you accusing someone of putting other things ahead of you? 353 00:22:19.880 --> 00:22:20.200 Okay? 354 00:22:20.200 --> 00:22:23.880 Are you putting other things ahead of you? There is 355 00:22:23.920 --> 00:22:27.279 a mirror in what you want from other people. Right. 356 00:22:29.079 --> 00:22:30.920 I talk about this in a lot of my podcasts 357 00:22:30.920 --> 00:22:35.519 around self care. Right, some people say self care is selfish. 358 00:22:35.559 --> 00:22:38.680 I say self care Isn't you know what I think 359 00:22:38.759 --> 00:22:42.039 is selfish. What I think is selfish is making other 360 00:22:42.119 --> 00:22:45.960 people take care of you so you don't have to. 361 00:22:46.759 --> 00:22:48.480 That's what I think is selfish. And all of these 362 00:22:48.519 --> 00:22:50.839 are opportunities for you to take care of yourself. And 363 00:22:50.880 --> 00:22:52.720 here's what happens. When you do. You don't need other 364 00:22:52.720 --> 00:22:55.039 people to take care of you. Should they do that, 365 00:22:55.079 --> 00:22:57.559 it's just a bonus. It's just a bonus. And then 366 00:22:57.599 --> 00:23:01.759 you can love them purely without needing them, without sourcing them, 367 00:23:02.000 --> 00:23:06.640 without wanting desiring them to be any different for you. 368 00:23:07.559 --> 00:23:09.799 When you learn how to take care of yourself, you 369 00:23:09.880 --> 00:23:13.400 do not need anybody to be different because you realize 370 00:23:13.440 --> 00:23:18.799 that you're the source of care. Okay, almost Every relational 371 00:23:18.880 --> 00:23:22.599 pain that I coach around has a mirror, has a mirror. 372 00:23:24.039 --> 00:23:28.960 If you want somebody to be excited and appreciative and 373 00:23:29.920 --> 00:23:35.039 celebratory of what you're doing, Okay, the mirror is are 374 00:23:35.119 --> 00:23:38.319 you being appreciative and celebratory of what it is that 375 00:23:38.359 --> 00:23:42.160 you're doing? That has to be the work because no 376 00:23:42.839 --> 00:23:44.559 one in this particular, and we can go back and 377 00:23:44.559 --> 00:23:47.680 dig into every single one of these, nobody's appreciation of 378 00:23:47.720 --> 00:23:53.119 me is going to be enough that allows my own 379 00:23:53.119 --> 00:23:56.200 self appreciation to move the needle. If I'm waiting for 380 00:23:56.279 --> 00:23:59.079 somebody to acknowledge, to appreciate, to validate me in order 381 00:23:59.079 --> 00:24:01.480 for me to get to the next level of my life, 382 00:24:01.480 --> 00:24:04.480 it will always be insufficient because I was always the 383 00:24:04.519 --> 00:24:06.839 one that needed to be that one for me, always 384 00:24:06.920 --> 00:24:11.640 the one right. So most of us are doing to 385 00:24:11.799 --> 00:24:14.400 ourselves the very thing that we're accusing the other person 386 00:24:14.440 --> 00:24:17.039 of doing, and then we're expecting them to give us 387 00:24:17.240 --> 00:24:20.519 what we are refusing to give ourselves. Right, you're mad 388 00:24:20.559 --> 00:24:23.200 at your partner for not making you feel chosen. Meanwhile, 389 00:24:23.920 --> 00:24:25.920 you have been choosing your to do list, the kids, 390 00:24:25.960 --> 00:24:30.519 the house, everything else over your own needs for years. 391 00:24:31.119 --> 00:24:34.599 You are mad at your parents for not seeing you. Meanwhile, right, 392 00:24:34.720 --> 00:24:40.240 you've refusing to see yourself, to acknowledge your compliments, accomplishments, 393 00:24:40.279 --> 00:24:42.680 to take pride in who you've become, right, what you 394 00:24:42.720 --> 00:24:46.799 have built, what you have endured. Okay, you're mad at 395 00:24:46.799 --> 00:24:50.960 your kids for not appreciating you. Meanwhile, you do not 396 00:24:51.000 --> 00:24:57.400 appreciate yourself right out loud in writing on purpose. So 397 00:24:57.440 --> 00:24:59.960 when I ask my clients this question, and I ask 398 00:25:00.119 --> 00:25:03.240 k it often there's almost always a pause in a silence, 399 00:25:03.519 --> 00:25:06.720 and sometimes tears a lot of times tears because the 400 00:25:06.799 --> 00:25:11.839 recognition is immediate. Oh, oh, I see it. I've been 401 00:25:11.880 --> 00:25:15.279