WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.440 --> 00:00:07.320 Wednesday nights always had a particular taste in my memory, 2 00:00:07.799 --> 00:00:11.080 a blend of craft beer, bar lighting that made everyone's 3 00:00:11.080 --> 00:00:14.400 skin look better, the scrape of wooden stools, and the 4 00:00:14.439 --> 00:00:17.960 low competitive hum of our trivia group stretching the facts 5 00:00:17.960 --> 00:00:23.359 to breaking point over plates of fries. It was ritual, predictable, rowdy, 6 00:00:23.640 --> 00:00:28.079 almost family, except for the perpetual undercurrent of adult complications, 7 00:00:28.440 --> 00:00:32.679 the small incompatibilities we'd all agreed not to poke. It 8 00:00:32.880 --> 00:00:36.840 was honestly one of my refugees, a simple, clever game 9 00:00:36.880 --> 00:00:39.920 with people I'd known for years, crowned by the sight 10 00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:43.159 of Mark's watchful smile as he caught my eye across 11 00:00:43.200 --> 00:00:46.600 the table on obscure sports questions, letting me know he 12 00:00:46.679 --> 00:00:50.520 still loved that I always guessed Wimbledon. We had been 13 00:00:50.560 --> 00:00:53.359 running late that night, held up by a last minute 14 00:00:53.359 --> 00:00:57.920 a count emergency. Somewhere in Milwaukee, a regional car dealership 15 00:00:57.960 --> 00:01:01.119 had decided they hated everything I'd pick, so I'd spent 16 00:01:01.200 --> 00:01:04.840 the day massaging slide decks and half apologizing to people 17 00:01:04.879 --> 00:01:07.519 I would never meet. Mark had picked me up in 18 00:01:07.560 --> 00:01:11.680 his paint hipped soubaru, arms full of camera bags, sweated 19 00:01:11.680 --> 00:01:15.200 at his temples we'll be late, but the good news 20 00:01:15.280 --> 00:01:18.120 is we won't get stuck next to Doug, he joked, 21 00:01:18.200 --> 00:01:21.480 poking my side. The world for those three minutes in 22 00:01:21.519 --> 00:01:25.400 the car was snug and uncomplicated. I'd pressed my knee 23 00:01:25.400 --> 00:01:28.599 against his, feeling the familiar click of wedding rings as 24 00:01:28.599 --> 00:01:31.519 his hand rested on my thigh. At the stoplight, his 25 00:01:31.640 --> 00:01:34.519 eyes in the rearview flicked to my face, soft and 26 00:01:34.599 --> 00:01:38.120 a little tired. By the time we finally slid into 27 00:01:38.120 --> 00:01:40.840 our usual spot at the Horseshoe, the bar was already 28 00:01:40.840 --> 00:01:45.079 two thirds full, the trivia man's voice croaking about movie soundtracks. 29 00:01:45.719 --> 00:01:49.319 Half the group waved Jen with her always sparkling nails, 30 00:01:49.560 --> 00:01:52.439 Mike in his standard Cubs hoodie, Dug pouting over a 31 00:01:52.480 --> 00:01:57.280 missing appetizer. Then Claire, sitting between Jen and Mike, rose 32 00:01:57.319 --> 00:02:00.480 a little from her seat and waved me over Aye bright. 33 00:02:01.599 --> 00:02:04.120 I hated to admit it, but it still felt like 34 00:02:04.200 --> 00:02:06.840 she was new to us, even though she'd been around 35 00:02:06.879 --> 00:02:10.080 for a couple of months. New, but with the baked 36 00:02:10.120 --> 00:02:13.360 in confidence of someone who believed they were supposed to belong. 37 00:02:14.439 --> 00:02:17.360 Mark greeted everyone with a flare. I envied I was 38 00:02:17.400 --> 00:02:20.240 always slow to unpeal from my day, but he seemed 39 00:02:20.240 --> 00:02:23.759 to reset to social mode as naturally as breathing. He 40 00:02:23.800 --> 00:02:27.240 traded a quip about my endless meetings with Mike, fielded 41 00:02:27.319 --> 00:02:32.199 Jen's hug, and then almost imperceptibly bumped knuckles with Clare. 42 00:02:32.879 --> 00:02:36.919 They laughed at something I didn't catch, watching each other's faces. 43 00:02:37.439 --> 00:02:40.000 Maybe that's why I noticed her more than usual, the 44 00:02:40.039 --> 00:02:43.080 way she leaned in when Mark spoke, brushing her dark 45 00:02:43.159 --> 00:02:46.039 hair behind her ear with a flick that seemed practiced. 46 00:02:46.680 --> 00:02:51.039 Their body language was open, easy, maybe too easy. I 47 00:02:51.120 --> 00:02:54.280 told myself it was nothing, just the stand by wariness 48 00:02:54.280 --> 00:02:56.560 I got around people who looked like they might usurp 49 00:02:56.639 --> 00:03:01.039 my spot as Mark's best audience. The trivia kicked into 50 00:03:01.039 --> 00:03:05.800 its second round. Mark excused himself, waving his phone work sorry, 51 00:03:06.080 --> 00:03:09.159 he mouthed across the table. He often fielded last minute 52 00:03:09.159 --> 00:03:13.560 texts from clients, wedding planners, or occasionally his brother. I 53 00:03:13.599 --> 00:03:16.840 only half listened to the whispered guesses about Tom Hanks movies, 54 00:03:17.159 --> 00:03:19.960 letting my eyes drift. As Mark stepped outside the ring 55 00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:24.319 of tables, phone glowing against his cheek, I saw him smiling, 56 00:03:25.400 --> 00:03:29.199 not the polite yes, I'm available, smile he usually used 57 00:03:29.199 --> 00:03:34.080 for business, but something lighter, his whole face engaged. When 58 00:03:34.080 --> 00:03:37.199 he came back, Michael scooted over and Mark squeezed my 59 00:03:37.280 --> 00:03:40.639 shoulder as he sat, almost over compensating for the time away. 60 00:03:41.240 --> 00:03:43.199 Jen tried to loop him in on a debate about 61 00:03:43.240 --> 00:03:47.039 cult horror films, but he seemed preoccupied, glancing at his phone, 62 00:03:47.439 --> 00:03:51.400 then a few minutes later, excusing himself again, another call, 63 00:03:51.599 --> 00:03:54.439 another disappearance into the noisy dim of the bar's entrance. 64 00:03:54.800 --> 00:03:58.319 Watching him pace, hear only fragments, Ah, yeah, I know 65 00:03:58.439 --> 00:04:02.240 to morrow, probably six. I felt a small prickle, nothing more, 66 00:04:03.240 --> 00:04:07.000 Probably just a difficult client, or maybe a family update 67 00:04:07.039 --> 00:04:11.680 about his niece's graduation. There was always something. But as 68 00:04:11.680 --> 00:04:14.879 he returned, brushing some invisible lint from his T shirt, 69 00:04:15.120 --> 00:04:18.279 the last round of questions queued up. Mark slid into 70 00:04:18.279 --> 00:04:21.839 his spot next to Claire, their knees almost touching. Claire 71 00:04:21.879 --> 00:04:24.279 tossed a napkin at him, accused him of missing the 72 00:04:24.319 --> 00:04:27.959 world's Easiest beetles question. They fell into an easy loop 73 00:04:27.959 --> 00:04:31.519 of half teasing, making references about bad roof top lighting, 74 00:04:31.759 --> 00:04:34.759 which nobody else seemed to know. Jen looked at me, 75 00:04:34.959 --> 00:04:38.199 then at them a flash of something unreadable in her eyes. 76 00:04:39.240 --> 00:04:41.759 I chalked it up to trivia nerves, or maybe the 77 00:04:41.800 --> 00:04:45.199 fact that Claire, an outsider by time but not energy, 78 00:04:45.600 --> 00:04:48.720 pulled the table's focus almost as quickly as Mark did 79 00:04:48.759 --> 00:04:52.040 on his best days. By the time the check came, 80 00:04:52.199 --> 00:04:55.160 Mark covered my beer, Claire tossed her card into the pile, 81 00:04:55.480 --> 00:04:59.040 and every one rose in a fluid, haphazard clump, good byes, 82 00:04:59.079 --> 00:05:02.480 dissolving into small a subgroups. As we stepped into the night, 83 00:05:02.759 --> 00:05:06.839 Mark lingered, saying something low to Claire, who smiled, eyes down, 84 00:05:07.040 --> 00:05:10.519 drawing circles on the condensation of her pint glass. There 85 00:05:10.560 --> 00:05:14.120 was a pause, only a few seconds, where their attention shifted, 86 00:05:14.399 --> 00:05:17.240 tuned into each other in a way that felt private, coded. 87 00:05:18.279 --> 00:05:22.000 I looked away, instinctively, telling myself not to read more 88 00:05:22.040 --> 00:05:26.160 into it than necessary. Still, that discomfort nagged at me. 89 00:05:26.199 --> 00:05:29.600 On the drive home, Mark was chatty, telling me about 90 00:05:29.639 --> 00:05:33.240 a weird lens malfunction and making cracks about dugs over 91 00:05:33.279 --> 00:05:36.879 confidence in geography. There was nothing obviously amiss in what 92 00:05:36.959 --> 00:05:39.519 he said, but once we were alone in our apartment, 93 00:05:39.839 --> 00:05:43.199 our post trivia rituals felt off kilter. He was oddly 94 00:05:43.240 --> 00:05:46.560 intent on being helpful offering to make me camermle tea, 95 00:05:47.040 --> 00:05:49.279 asking if I wanted to catch up on our show. 96 00:05:50.439 --> 00:05:52.759 I tried to let myself fall back into that rhythm, 97 00:05:53.000 --> 00:05:56.000 to focus on his familiar gestures, the way he pressed 98 00:05:56.000 --> 00:05:58.680 a soft kiss behind my ear as I brushed my 99 00:05:58.800 --> 00:06:03.480 teeth and uderneath. Though, was that static of discomfort less 100 00:06:03.519 --> 00:06:06.439 the sharpness of jealousy, and more the weight of something 101 00:06:06.480 --> 00:06:10.839 I was supposed to ignore, to let dissolve with sleep work. 102 00:06:10.920 --> 00:06:14.439 The next morning, a slew of Monday morning advertising stand 103 00:06:14.519 --> 00:06:18.399 ups offered only a hangover of distraction. I found myself 104 00:06:18.439 --> 00:06:22.240 replaying the night in fragments, the phone calls, the intimate 105 00:06:22.279 --> 00:06:25.240 ease with Claire, the look they shared as we left. 106 00:06:25.879 --> 00:06:28.680 I reminded myself that our group had always been open, 107 00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:32.279 that new faces rotated in and out. That Mark was 108 00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:35.600 the last person any one could accuse of crossing boundaries. 109 00:06:35.800 --> 00:06:40.360 He didn't even recognize Our marriage, I reasoned, had always 110 00:06:40.360 --> 00:06:43.120 survived on the ability to trust that we weren't each 111 00:06:43.160 --> 00:06:48.199 other's entire world. Still, I couldn't stop rehearsing those little gaps, 112 00:06:48.439 --> 00:06:51.480 as though eventually I'd stumble on the way they fit together. 113 00:06:52.560 --> 00:06:56.399 That summer marked our sixth wedding anniversary, ten years since 114 00:06:56.480 --> 00:06:59.000 Mark had spilled beer down my sleeve at an art 115 00:06:59.040 --> 00:07:04.199 exhibit in Anderson. He'd apologized with almost theatrical embarrassment, but 116 00:07:04.279 --> 00:07:07.160 I didn't mind the way he'd talked about the lightning 117 00:07:07.240 --> 00:07:10.959 in an old Vivian mare, a photo stuck in my head. 118 00:07:11.399 --> 00:07:14.199 We d grown up me into the world of deadline 119 00:07:14.240 --> 00:07:17.879 driven campaigns, him into a patchwork life of shooting apartments, 120 00:07:18.079 --> 00:07:21.800 weddings events, with the occasional gallery job that reminded us 121 00:07:21.839 --> 00:07:24.639 of why he started in the first place. We'd carved 122 00:07:24.639 --> 00:07:27.240 out a space for ourselves in Wicker Park, with its 123 00:07:27.360 --> 00:07:30.920 droning l trains and dive bars, surrounded by people who 124 00:07:30.920 --> 00:07:34.160 felt like family. We couldn't afford a house on our street, 125 00:07:34.439 --> 00:07:38.079 but the top floor apartment was ours. Mismatched furniture and 126 00:07:38.160 --> 00:07:43.800 all our routines, more comforting than restrictive, had a stretching elasticity. 127 00:07:44.399 --> 00:07:47.759 On Sunday mornings, whoever woke up first made coffee. Then 128 00:07:47.759 --> 00:07:51.480 we'd amble down to stand s for doughnuts, dodging tourists 129 00:07:51.519 --> 00:07:54.959 with their pink boxes. If a big campaign was winding up, 130 00:07:55.120 --> 00:07:57.639 I might skip a walk for emails, but Mark liked 131 00:07:57.639 --> 00:08:00.680 to drag me out for photo strolls, cam a clattering 132 00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:04.639 pockets filled with lens caps, his fingers always chilly from 133 00:08:04.639 --> 00:08:09.639 adjusting settings. Wednesday trivia was non negotiable, even when my 134 00:08:09.720 --> 00:08:13.040 bosses passive, aggressive all caps emails gave me a migrain. 135 00:08:13.759 --> 00:08:17.000 Those nights were when our friend network overlapped, a web 136 00:08:17.079 --> 00:08:20.519 held together by in jokes, shared drinks, and the careful 137 00:08:20.560 --> 00:08:26.199 avoidance of topics like politics, office grievances, or relationship complaints. 138 00:08:26.759 --> 00:08:29.800 Mark was the opposite of me, less rigid, less haunted 139 00:08:29.839 --> 00:08:32.399 by to do lists. If I missed a punchline or 140 00:08:32.440 --> 00:08:34.919 turned down a spur of the moment dinner invite, he'd 141 00:08:34.960 --> 00:08:37.200 let it go. He knew how to support me when 142 00:08:37.240 --> 00:08:40.200 I got tunnel vision, leaving silly, sticky notes by my 143 00:08:40.279 --> 00:08:43.519 laptop or texting memes during late nights at the office. 144 00:08:43.919 --> 00:08:47.320 If a client's request for just one more revision drove 145 00:08:47.399 --> 00:08:51.200 me insane, he'd playfully threatened to email my CEO, and 146 00:08:51.279 --> 00:08:55.320 I'd relax enough to apologize for my mood. Of course, 147 00:08:55.519 --> 00:08:59.840 his flexibility sometimes fed into unpredictability. A week could begin 148 00:09:00.080 --> 00:09:03.720 with three bookings, an end with a random cancelation, depending 149 00:09:03.759 --> 00:09:07.519 on whether moods or the whims of influencers needing last 150 00:09:07.519 --> 00:09:11.240 minute shots. I envied his ability to bounce, but I'd 151 00:09:11.279 --> 00:09:14.080 grown used to the patches where he felt partially absent 152 00:09:14.679 --> 00:09:18.399 there but with his attention roving elsewhere, waiting for either 153 00:09:18.480 --> 00:09:22.679 inspiration or the check to clear. Sometimes I worried I 154 00:09:22.759 --> 00:09:26.399 was just the boring, overworked spouse, anchored in the day 155 00:09:26.440 --> 00:09:30.080 to day while Mark floated from project to project, sustaining 156 00:09:30.080 --> 00:09:34.759 on adrenaline and praise. He, for his part, sometimes implied 157 00:09:34.759 --> 00:09:37.000 that I didn't know how to power down, that my 158 00:09:37.120 --> 00:09:41.279 ambition came before everything, even the chance to just exist together. 159 00:09:42.320 --> 00:09:45.600 But when it worked, it really worked. I'd get home late, 160 00:09:45.919 --> 00:09:48.480 he'd warm up leftovers, and we'd eat on the living 161 00:09:48.519 --> 00:09:52.720 room floor, giggling at YouTube fails or dissecting some absurd 162 00:09:52.799 --> 00:09:56.480 ad slogan. The trivia group was the closest thing we 163 00:09:56.519 --> 00:09:59.559 had to joint therapy. Most of our friends came from 164 00:09:59.559 --> 00:10:03.879 college or old gallery nights, or long defunct bands. They'd 165 00:10:03.919 --> 00:10:08.679 seen us drunk, angry, broke, celebratory. Jen and Mike even 166 00:10:08.759 --> 00:10:11.759 crashed on our couch for a week after their apartment flooded. 167 00:10:12.840 --> 00:10:16.679 Our group absorbed wounds and adopted newcomers when someone needed 168 00:10:16.720 --> 00:10:20.000 a table to sit at, a kind of shapeless, resilient 169 00:10:20.159 --> 00:10:25.919 organism that provided safety even with the revolving door of jobs, relationships, 170 00:10:25.960 --> 00:10:30.679 and existential dread. Claire was a recent introduction through Jen, 171 00:10:30.960 --> 00:10:34.679 who'd met her via a coworker's wedding. She destarted showing 172 00:10:34.759 --> 00:10:38.519 up just before spring. Sharp, witted with big eyes and hair, 173 00:10:38.679 --> 00:10:42.879 always in some faintly dramatic updo, quick to laugh, able 174 00:10:42.879 --> 00:10:46.480 to call out our inside jokes without overstepping. She slotted 175 00:10:46.480 --> 00:10:49.840 herself between Jen and Mike, not because she was especially 176 00:10:49.840 --> 00:10:52.360 close to them, but because she had an almost logical 177 00:10:52.399 --> 00:10:56.000 place in the conversation. I tried not to resent her 178 00:10:56.000 --> 00:10:59.960 easy rapport with Mark. It made sense. A photographer by Trey, 179 00:11:00.679 --> 00:11:02.960 Mark had a soft spot for people drawn to art 180 00:11:03.039 --> 00:11:06.879 and chaos, qualities Claire had in abundance. She worked in 181 00:11:07.039 --> 00:11:10.840 urban planning, according to Jen, but never seemed particularly weighed 182 00:11:10.879 --> 00:11:14.320 down by career anxiety. Her job let her dip into 183 00:11:14.320 --> 00:11:17.360 different circles and bars and roof top meet ups with 184 00:11:17.440 --> 00:11:21.600 the flexibility of someone still mid ascension. That spring, we 185 00:11:21.679 --> 00:11:26.080 decided again to save for a trip France, maybe or Iceland, 186 00:11:26.399 --> 00:11:29.360 something suitably adventurous, but still within the reach of our 187 00:11:29.440 --> 00:11:34.000 slow growing joint account. We never splurged, but found small pleasures. 188 00:11:34.320 --> 00:11:37.080 The right red wine, a view of the skyline from 189 00:11:37.120 --> 00:11:40.399 our fire escape, the muted satisfaction of having made it 190 00:11:40.440 --> 00:11:43.960 another week. I told myself that was enough most days. 191 00:11:44.960 --> 00:11:48.360 Two trivia nights later, just as April began pretending to 192 00:11:48.399 --> 00:11:52.120 be summer, I started to notice a change, subtle at first, 193 00:11:52.440 --> 00:11:56.200 more suspicious in hindsight. Mark left the table more often 194 00:11:56.320 --> 00:12:00.720 during our sessions, phone, always buzzing, sometimes laughing to himself 195 00:12:00.759 --> 00:12:04.279 as he scrolled. I watched him from across the pint glasses, 196 00:12:04.639 --> 00:12:07.120 noting the way he'd lean over to whisper something to 197 00:12:07.159 --> 00:12:10.480 Claire that made her snort, her hand covering her mouth 198 00:12:10.519 --> 00:12:15.000 in mock horror. They volleyed jokes back and forth, sometimes 199 00:12:15.039 --> 00:12:18.759 referencing inside Barbes. I couldn't pin to any previous night. 200 00:12:19.799 --> 00:12:24.039 Remember what happened with the ladder on North DayMen, Claire teased, once, 201 00:12:24.399 --> 00:12:28.159 nudging Mark as he wiped foam from his lip. God, 202 00:12:28.279 --> 00:12:31.799 I almost broke my neck, Mark said, and they both laughed. 203 00:12:32.799 --> 00:12:35.840 I racked my brain. I had no recollection of any 204 00:12:35.919 --> 00:12:39.279 ladder incident, and I considered myself the group's keeper of 205 00:12:39.320 --> 00:12:43.120 embarrassing stories. It felt like their version of short hand, 206 00:12:43.519 --> 00:12:46.639 a private dialect that excluded the rest of us. Not 207 00:12:46.799 --> 00:12:50.639 avert hostility, just a touch of insulation I wasn't used 208 00:12:50.639 --> 00:12:55.519 to from Mark. Still, I'd learned to rationalize. People gravitate 209 00:12:55.559 --> 00:12:59.480 toward those who share their frustrations. Mark's freelance world was 210 00:12:59.480 --> 00:13:03.399 full of moments I couldn't fully understand. I'd made peace 211 00:13:03.480 --> 00:13:07.519 with being the suit, as Jen jokingly called me, surrounded 212 00:13:07.519 --> 00:13:10.879 by creatives who rotated their obsessions as quickly as they 213 00:13:10.960 --> 00:13:15.000 switched camera lenses. Maybe Claire had found her way into 214 00:13:15.039 --> 00:13:19.360 those in between hours, a confidant to Mark's professional uncertainty, 215 00:13:19.799 --> 00:13:24.519 someone who got client flakiness and long lonely days behind 216 00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:29.120 light meters and light room. The following weekend, Mark mentioned 217 00:13:29.159 --> 00:13:31.960 he might spend an afternoon scouting a new roof top 218 00:13:32.000 --> 00:13:36.759 for a potential shoot. Usually he'd pitch his plan in detail, route, 219 00:13:36.799 --> 00:13:39.799 mapped back up options, even a quick run down of 220 00:13:39.799 --> 00:13:43.440 what he hoped to capture. This time, he was vague. 221 00:13:43.639 --> 00:13:46.519 I'm not even sure if it's accessible. Someone at a 222 00:13:46.559 --> 00:13:49.879 gallery told me about it, he said, rifling through his 223 00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:54.440 bag for his favorite scarf. Who s someone? I asked, 224 00:13:54.519 --> 00:13:59.200 playful but curious. He paused, shrugged, just a friend from 225 00:13:59.240 --> 00:14:01.960 a thing might be a bust. Don't wait up, I'll 226 00:14:02.000 --> 00:14:05.320 text if I get good light. He left with a wink, 227 00:14:05.600 --> 00:14:08.759 closing the door behind him. I sat back on the couch, 228 00:14:09.080 --> 00:14:12.600 the residue of exclusion more noticeable than I expected. I 229 00:14:12.639 --> 00:14:16.759 told myself, not every detail required a partner's approval. Sometimes 230 00:14:16.799 --> 00:14:20.919 Mark's best shoots happened because he let himself wander still. 231 00:14:21.200 --> 00:14:23.919 It was unusual for him to gloss over the specifics. 232 00:14:24.360 --> 00:14:28.120 Even his failed attempts at new locations became long stories, 233 00:14:28.440 --> 00:14:32.720 carefully recounted over take out. I spent the afternoon sifting 234 00:14:32.759 --> 00:14:36.200 through decks for an upcoming campaign. The quiet uncanny in 235 00:14:36.279 --> 00:14:40.679 our usually lively apartment. Mark texted after sundon a grainy 236 00:14:40.759 --> 00:14:43.200 photo of the skyline from an angle I couldn't place. 237 00:14:43.759 --> 00:14:47.080 The caption was just maybe next time with you missed 238 00:14:47.080 --> 00:14:49.879 your lens with a red heart. It should have made 239 00:14:49.879 --> 00:14:53.960 me feel included. Instead, it felt like a consolation prize, 240 00:14:54.200 --> 00:14:57.279 something to keep me off the scent. I tried to 241 00:14:57.320 --> 00:15:01.799 shake it off, telling myself, not everything's a me. After all, 242 00:15:02.080 --> 00:15:06.080 everyone deserved a little boundary in their creative life. Maybe 243 00:15:06.120 --> 00:15:10.120 the grind had left me raw. The next shift came stealthily, 244 00:15:10.480 --> 00:15:15.720 almost laughably mundane at first, A Thursday morning hangover. That's subtle, 245 00:15:15.840 --> 00:15:18.559 fuzzy edged kind you don't admit to when you're thirty. 246 00:15:18.559 --> 00:15:22.159 Two found me standing in the kitchen, absently scrolling my 247 00:15:22.279 --> 00:15:26.879 emails when my phone pinged with a text from Mike. Hey, Mark, 248 00:15:26.919 --> 00:15:30.480 get home? O ka last night after post trivia drinks. 249 00:15:30.840 --> 00:15:34.559 Post trivia drinks, Mark had texted at ten fifteen p m. 250 00:15:34.960 --> 00:15:38.120 Heading home. Be there soon? Want anything? I d said no, 251 00:15:38.360 --> 00:15:41.000 assuming he was in an euber. He'd come in around 252 00:15:41.039 --> 00:15:44.600 ten forty, kicked off his shoes, smelled of rain and gin, 253 00:15:44.840 --> 00:15:48.240 and headed for the shower. There dee be nothing unusual 254 00:15:48.279 --> 00:15:51.919 in the routine. I thumbed a neutral reply to Mike. 255 00:15:52.399 --> 00:15:54.960 Yeah he made it home. Hope nobody lost it in 256 00:15:54.960 --> 00:15:59.759 the hurricane outside, Then paused, unsettled what drinks? Who'd gone? 257 00:16:00.039 --> 00:16:03.120 Should I ask Mark? Or would that sound possessive? For 258 00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:07.679 a second, I considered calling Jen, then thought better of it. Mark, 259 00:16:07.759 --> 00:16:10.960 of course downplayed it. Every One wanted one more round, 260 00:16:11.000 --> 00:16:14.600 but I was wiped left early. He was making coffee, 261 00:16:14.759 --> 00:16:17.840 tying his hair back, still damp from the shower, his 262 00:16:17.960 --> 00:16:22.399 eyes flicked up to meet mine, steady, unhurried, Mike seemed 263 00:16:22.399 --> 00:16:24.559 to think you hung out a bit longer, I said, 264 00:16:24.759 --> 00:16:27.840 studying his face, Guess I mixed up? Who went home? 265 00:16:27.879 --> 00:16:32.320 When he nodded and smiled, No, he left before I did. 266 00:16:32.720 --> 00:16:36.639 I think everyone was just tired. I couldn't find fault 267 00:16:36.679 --> 00:16:40.600 in his explanation. The words weren't wrong, but the casual 268 00:16:40.679 --> 00:16:44.000 nature of his answer slipped past the mark. Not a lie, 269 00:16:44.320 --> 00:16:48.200 just an opening for more questions. The next Wednesday, Mark 270 00:16:48.279 --> 00:16:53.000 claimed exhaustion. Let's skip trivia tonight. Feel like I got steamrolled. 271 00:16:53.240 --> 00:16:55.559 My back's a mess from the warehouse shoot, and I 272 00:16:55.600 --> 00:16:58.080 want to catch up on edits before I lose daylight. 273 00:16:58.720 --> 00:17:02.320 He sprawled on the couch, scrolling through lightroom, his phone 274 00:17:02.360 --> 00:17:07.400 on silent. I hesitated, tempted to insist, but decided to 275 00:17:07.440 --> 00:17:11.119 fly solo. The bar was just a few blocks. If 276 00:17:11.160 --> 00:17:13.599 nothing else, it would give me a chance to vent 277 00:17:13.640 --> 00:17:17.839 to Jen. The group felt off kilter without Mark, Jen 278 00:17:18.000 --> 00:17:22.279 was anxious, Mike distracted, Doug preoccupied with an argument about 279 00:17:22.279 --> 00:17:26.319 the Bill. Claire, however, was absent the first time since 280 00:17:26.319 --> 00:17:29.400 she joined. I spent most of the evening sipping cider, 281 00:17:29.759 --> 00:17:34.240 listening to Jen paddle frantically between stories, nervous laughter sliding 282 00:17:34.240 --> 00:17:38.480 off her tongue. Later, as I wound down, I checked Instagram, 283 00:17:38.680 --> 00:17:42.279 unprepared for the sting of Mark's story. A wide selfie 284 00:17:42.279 --> 00:17:46.799 taken at a trendy spot on Randolph. Four faces in frame, Mark, Claire, 285 00:17:47.119 --> 00:17:49.960 a guy named Aaron I barely knew, and a smiling 286 00:17:50.039 --> 00:17:54.960 woman I'd never seen. The caption spontaneous hangs this city. 287 00:17:55.440 --> 00:18:01.079 Three ten minutes later, Mark texted, headed home after surprise drinks, 288 00:18:01.440 --> 00:18:05.079 need anything. The timeline didn't make sense if he'd spent 289 00:18:05.119 --> 00:18:07.880 the evening on the couch. The photo had clearly been 290 00:18:07.920 --> 00:18:11.799 taken during sunset. My hands shook as I scrolled through 291 00:18:11.839 --> 00:18:15.920 Claire's account. She'd posted an artsy cocktail and a shadowy 292 00:18:15.960 --> 00:18:19.839 shot of a city roof top, The color balance eerily familiar. 293 00:18:20.920 --> 00:18:24.400 I swallowed the urge to confront him right away. Instead, 294 00:18:24.720 --> 00:18:27.920 I tried to draw it out later, over reheated pizza, 295 00:18:28.200 --> 00:18:32.000 feeling my way through, feigned nonchalance. How'd the editing go? 296 00:18:33.279 --> 00:18:37.160 Mark yawned, then said something about backlog, how the warehouse 297 00:18:37.200 --> 00:18:40.240 gig kept shifting, so he'd opted to grab food out 298 00:18:40.279 --> 00:18:44.200 instead and talk through timing with a client. Ended up 299 00:18:44.279 --> 00:18:48.160 running into Claire and Aaron went for a drink. I 300 00:18:48.200 --> 00:18:50.319 tried to remember if Mark had ever met up with 301 00:18:50.400 --> 00:18:53.640 Claire on his own before. Not really, not unless you 302 00:18:53.720 --> 00:18:57.319 counted group things. I wanted to ask, did you plan it? 303 00:18:57.960 --> 00:19:01.759 But something in his face suggested I be prying. He 304 00:19:01.799 --> 00:19:05.319 began referencing the warehouse shoot repeatedly, an event that never 305 00:19:05.359 --> 00:19:09.319 seemed to materialize, but served as a recurring excuse. Dates 306 00:19:09.319 --> 00:19:12.640 would change, last minute, lighting would be all wrong, clients 307 00:19:12.680 --> 00:19:15.799 would flake. But one Thursday night, as I stuffed his 308 00:19:15.880 --> 00:19:18.640 coat into the hallway closet, a slip of paper caught 309 00:19:18.680 --> 00:19:21.799 my eye. A receipt from Celeste, a restaurant known for 310 00:19:21.880 --> 00:19:25.480 its candle it booths and expertly made old fashions. The 311 00:19:25.599 --> 00:19:29.359 date was yesterday, one of the so called shoot nights. 312 00:19:29.759 --> 00:19:33.440 The total showed two entrees, two cocktails, and a dessert. 313 00:19:34.400 --> 00:19:37.039 When he got in, I pressed gently. Was the set 314 00:19:37.119 --> 00:19:41.240 up long? Sounds like a late night? Mark looked tired, 315 00:19:41.519 --> 00:19:46.079 dropped onto the bed, shoes still tied. Yeah, actually everything 316 00:19:46.119 --> 00:19:49.200 took forever. Grabbed take out with one of the clients 317 00:19:49.240 --> 00:19:52.920 after because we were both starving. The lie had enough 318 00:19:53.039 --> 00:19:56.160 ordinary detail to feel plausible, but I couldn't remember the 319 00:19:56.279 --> 00:20:01.039 last time Mark had described a shoot with such perfunctory care. Usually, 320 00:20:01.079 --> 00:20:05.240 he over shared photos, impressions of the crew, what did 321 00:20:05.319 --> 00:20:08.640 and didn't work, complaints about the music or the weird 322 00:20:08.720 --> 00:20:12.880 smell of old wood and spilled red bull. At home, 323 00:20:13.000 --> 00:20:16.519 Mark's presence became more variable. He kept his phone face 324 00:20:16.599 --> 00:20:19.359 down and appended his usual habits. He'd hold it in 325 00:20:19.400 --> 00:20:22.440 his lap, screen on, face shifting as texts popped up. 326 00:20:22.920 --> 00:20:25.759 He would laugh at something and when asked, say just 327 00:20:25.920 --> 00:20:30.119 stupid work drama, but never offer specifics. Once I pressed 328 00:20:30.480 --> 00:20:34.039 everything okay with the studio, he shrugged and said, just 329 00:20:34.119 --> 00:20:38.839 people being flaky. Claire posted a cityscape shot on her stories, 330 00:20:39.240 --> 00:20:42.000 a blurred pastel view from a roof top. I recognized 331 00:20:42.599 --> 00:20:45.119 Mark and I had once gone there, fought through a 332 00:20:45.119 --> 00:20:47.960 crowd of Instagrammers for the last spot on the ledge. 333 00:20:48.480 --> 00:20:50.920 She'd tagged nothing and no one, but I would have 334 00:20:50.960 --> 00:20:53.279 bet money. I knew whose shoes were in the bottom 335 00:20:53.359 --> 00:20:57.440 corner of the frame, half in shadow. I called Jen 336 00:20:57.519 --> 00:21:00.240 one night, under the pretense of recommending a new bar. 337 00:21:00.960 --> 00:21:05.200 We drifted, chatted about work office awkwardness. Then I pivoted 338 00:21:06.240 --> 00:21:08.720 so Claire and Mark seemed to be hanging out a 339 00:21:08.759 --> 00:21:14.359 lot lately. Her Jen's breath hitched. She changed topics, invited 340 00:21:14.400 --> 00:21:18.640 me to some gallery opening, deflected, then said quietly, try 341 00:21:18.680 --> 00:21:21.839 not to overthink the Mark clayre thing like she was 342 00:21:21.880 --> 00:21:26.200 repeating something she'd already told herself. After that call, I 343 00:21:26.240 --> 00:21:29.039 swore I wouldn't chase down clues, but the habit was 344 00:21:29.119 --> 00:21:33.440 too strong. I checked social media obsessively. Posts started to 345 00:21:33.480 --> 00:21:37.359 overlap Claire's latte in wicker Park. Ten minutes after Mark 346 00:21:37.559 --> 00:21:42.039 posted a photo of unexpected espresso break, a mural selfie 347 00:21:42.119 --> 00:21:44.920 I remembered posing in front of last year, only now 348 00:21:44.960 --> 00:21:50.400 it's Claire and Mark captioned chasing colors. Mark gradually stopped 349 00:21:50.440 --> 00:21:53.480 inviting me on photo walks. Once the highlight of any 350 00:21:53.519 --> 00:21:56.759 weekend when neither of us had worked spitfire to dodge. 351 00:21:57.319 --> 00:22:00.839 I just need solo, creative time, he said, dodging my 352 00:22:00.960 --> 00:22:04.000 gaze as he loaded up his gear bag, trying to 353 00:22:04.079 --> 00:22:07.480 catch up on a new idea might be nothing. When 354 00:22:07.519 --> 00:22:11.200 he got back, he'd be affectionate, but absent, arms around me, 355 00:22:11.640 --> 00:22:15.160 eyes somewhere else, absent mindedly stroking my arm while his 356 00:22:15.240 --> 00:22:20.079 phone vibrated in his pocket. Intimacy felt obligatory, more polite 357 00:22:20.079 --> 00:22:22.559 than urgent, as if he was checking off a box 358 00:22:22.599 --> 00:22:27.640 for normalcy. I started sleeping poorly, a gnawing, uneasy worry 359 00:22:27.640 --> 00:22:30.720 that had no clear shape, just a tightness in my chest. 360 00:22:31.319 --> 00:22:34.759 I compensated by throwing myself into launched time lands at work, 361 00:22:35.119 --> 00:22:39.319 but on the margins Sunday mornings, empty Tuesday nights, I 362 00:22:39.359 --> 00:22:44.640 found myself scrolling, comparing time stamps, reconstructing days and locations 363 00:22:44.680 --> 00:22:49.000 from clues that nobody else would find suspicious. One night, 364 00:22:49.079 --> 00:22:52.119 I said, it feels like you're a million miles away, 365 00:22:52.559 --> 00:22:55.559 the words tumbling out as an accusation and a plea 366 00:22:55.640 --> 00:22:59.960 in the same breath. Mark looked at me, expressions softening 367 00:23:00.079 --> 00:23:03.839 with guilt and confusion. That's not fair. You know how 368 00:23:03.920 --> 00:23:06.559 scattered I get when I'm working. I thought you liked 369 00:23:06.599 --> 00:23:10.519 having your own space. I nodded, pretending to buy it, 370 00:23:10.880 --> 00:23:14.480 But every new piece of circumstantial evidence crowded out my 371 00:23:14.680 --> 00:23:18.279 version of the story. The spiral hit a fever pitch 372 00:23:18.319 --> 00:23:21.200 the night I tried to cross the line between suspicion 373 00:23:21.319 --> 00:23:26.079 and certainty. Mark was brushing his teeth, humming Nirvana, and 374 00:23:26.160 --> 00:23:29.200 I hovered in the doorway with the faintest edge of apology. 375 00:23:30.160 --> 00:23:32.519 Tell me if I'm being weird, But is there like 376 00:23:33.000 --> 00:23:36.319 something going on with you and Claire? I tried for joking, 377 00:23:36.519 --> 00:23:40.720 almost light. He gagged on his mouth washed spat, then grinned. 378 00:23:41.240 --> 00:23:44.599 Oh my god, the Clare conspiracy. He flicked foam from 379 00:23:44.640 --> 00:23:48.039 his chin, shaking his head. I'm flattered, honestly, but it's 380 00:23:48.079 --> 00:23:51.160 not like that. Claire wants to learn photography. She's been 381 00:23:51.160 --> 00:23:54.400 coming out for extra practice. I said yes, because honestly, 382 00:23:54.480 --> 00:23:56.720 every one else in the trivia group kind of hates her. 383 00:23:57.079 --> 00:24:00.640 He shrugged, searching my face. I didn't want drama, so 384 00:24:00.720 --> 00:24:04.960 I avoided trivia until people cooled off. Something about the 385 00:24:05.079 --> 00:24:07.960 length and tempo of his explanation caught me off guard. 386 00:24:08.359 --> 00:24:11.519 It was a story, neat and finished, and it sounded 387 00:24:11.559 --> 00:24:15.400 almost plausible. I tried not to grill him, just nodded 388 00:24:15.599 --> 00:24:18.720 and let him pull me onto the couch. He was 389 00:24:18.759 --> 00:24:20.960 for the next few days, tender in a way that 390 00:24:21.000 --> 00:24:24.920 almost reset things. Made coffee before I woke up, planned 391 00:24:24.920 --> 00:24:27.240 a surprise brunch at the bakery where we'd had our 392 00:24:27.319 --> 00:24:31.400 first real talk about the future. There was laughter, real, 393 00:24:31.599 --> 00:24:35.680 unforced woven into those days, echoing the early years when 394 00:24:35.720 --> 00:24:38.720 we'd lived off burnt toast and found money for jam 395 00:24:38.799 --> 00:24:42.480 bands in the park. On the next trivia night, Claire 396 00:24:42.599 --> 00:24:46.039 was missing and the group felt tense. Mike in particular, 397 00:24:46.240 --> 00:24:49.519 seemed to avoid meeting my eye during a break. He 398 00:24:49.640 --> 00:24:53.519 sidled up and gestured sheepishly, Hey, I think I made 399 00:24:53.559 --> 00:24:56.640 it weird when I texted about Mark last week. He 400 00:24:56.720 --> 00:25:01.720 scratched behind one ear, eyes darting. He he went straight home, right, 401 00:25:02.160 --> 00:25:06.240