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<v Speaker 1>Tell me what you left was like before you died.

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<v Speaker 1>I grew up in the space you go to church,

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<v Speaker 1>and so, you know, I had My dad was a

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<v Speaker 1>He was a periodic alcoholic. He would do a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of binge drinking, and so at that time, you know

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<v Speaker 1>what was going on with me before that, I was like,

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<v Speaker 1>is this my life? Is this what it's supposed to

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<v Speaker 1>be like? And I wanted my dad to get sober,

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<v Speaker 1>and so I would do a lot of praying, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>help dad. And I remember one time he went to church.

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<v Speaker 1>I could see him. He was so uptight and he

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<v Speaker 1>was sweating, and you know, and I know he was

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<v Speaker 1>going there for my mom. But it's that my dad

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<v Speaker 1>and I were very cle. And what was going on

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<v Speaker 1>before I died is a lot of badness. I had

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<v Speaker 1>been experimenting with drugs and alcohol and uh, going my

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<v Speaker 1>own rebellious path, and so I experimented with other things.

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<v Speaker 1>And you know, after a long weekend of partying, I

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<v Speaker 1>had these great moments though, when I was experimenting, or

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<v Speaker 1>I would look up at the sky and I would know,

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<v Speaker 1>oh that I wasn't alone, even though I was doing,

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<v Speaker 1>per se what you're not supposed to do. There was

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<v Speaker 1>nights I would felt very austistic, you know, I would

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<v Speaker 1>have this moment where I'd be like, I know there's

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<v Speaker 1>something bigger than this, than where we are. I know

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<v Speaker 1>we weren't born to suffer. I know we weren't created

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<v Speaker 1>to be bad. I don't understand it. Also, I had

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<v Speaker 1>those moments where those lucid moments where I would be

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<v Speaker 1>sort of coming to from a long weekend of partying

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<v Speaker 1>and I would be like, I know there's something better.

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<v Speaker 1>I know there's something deeper, and you know, what I'm

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<v Speaker 1>thinking is going to work's not working. I was living

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<v Speaker 1>with my dad at the time, and living with my

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<v Speaker 1>dad was quite fun. It was nineteen forty two in

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<v Speaker 1>our household. So every time we come in, he'd have

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<v Speaker 1>his and I think about this now with joy because

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<v Speaker 1>I love my dad, but it's also the effects of PTSD.

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<v Speaker 1>And so his truck driver friends would be there playing

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<v Speaker 1>dominoes and it would be nineteen forty two in my house,

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<v Speaker 1>and so they would be talking about the war and

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<v Speaker 1>they would, you know, you would hear this recreation of

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<v Speaker 1>the war in my house. And then they depended on

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<v Speaker 1>how drunk things got, you know, And then by the

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<v Speaker 1>end of the day that everybody would just pass out.

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<v Speaker 1>But when I was living in that space, even God

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<v Speaker 1>came in to me. In that space where you would

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<v Speaker 1>think that there was no God and just suffering. It

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<v Speaker 1>had been a long weekend of no sleep. I was aching,

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<v Speaker 1>so I went to my mom's cabinet where all the

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<v Speaker 1>medication was. It's probably they had already gone to work,

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<v Speaker 1>so I snuck in when after nobody was there and mine.

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<v Speaker 1>I was always on the lookout because my brother's a

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<v Speaker 1>policeman whom I love and respect, but he had he

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<v Speaker 1>had no patience for me, so I had to make

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<v Speaker 1>sure the coast was clear to go home and crash.

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<v Speaker 1>And so after I figured it was safe to come in,

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<v Speaker 1>I just took whatever pills that were in the cabinet

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<v Speaker 1>and I just need to go to sleep. I had zero.

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<v Speaker 1>I just started this looks good. This looks good. If

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<v Speaker 1>it said makes you drowsy, that's what I picked. And

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<v Speaker 1>what I know is they found me on the front lawn.

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<v Speaker 1>My brother had to revive me. It was a cop

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<v Speaker 1>in the area that I lived in, and I went

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<v Speaker 1>to treatment. They took me to the hospital and I

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<v Speaker 1>woke up in the hospital from just taking some pills

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<v Speaker 1>and going to sleep, and that moment when I woke up,

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<v Speaker 1>I had had probably and I can't really equate just

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<v Speaker 1>to moments and times, but it felt like long seconds

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<v Speaker 1>where I was in a tunnel and it's like the

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<v Speaker 1>sort of the clouds parted, you know, and I felt

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<v Speaker 1>sort of called and really at peace and hole and

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<v Speaker 1>it wasn't the trauma that I had been experiencing. I

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<v Speaker 1>felt whole and pure, like I was walking a walking

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<v Speaker 1>being of light. And I remember mentally when I could

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<v Speaker 1>feel this sort of pool coming back to hearing beebs

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<v Speaker 1>and things like that, and I said, God, I cannot

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<v Speaker 1>go back there. This is not the place for me.

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<v Speaker 1>This is wrong. You've got to I don't want to

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<v Speaker 1>go back. Please don't make me go back. That's exactly

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<v Speaker 1>what I said. I didn't feel like days, but it

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<v Speaker 1>felt like eternity. It felt like a place where there

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<v Speaker 1>was no time. It felt like where it was just energy.

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<v Speaker 1>There was no door, it was just no time. But

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<v Speaker 1>I one hundred percent going through the tunnel was amazing,

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<v Speaker 1>and then there was this sort of tunnel of light. Again,

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<v Speaker 1>I can't relate to time, whether that was minutes or hours.

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<v Speaker 1>I have zero clue. I remember having feeling that love,

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<v Speaker 1>that love what we call love. It's love beyond supernatural

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<v Speaker 1>in many ways. And I felt the presence of God,

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<v Speaker 1>a loving presence not necessarily human. But I could relate

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<v Speaker 1>to this presence in English. I could relate to it

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<v Speaker 1>with vocabulary in my head that I could have a conversation. So,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, I always thought Jesus would. Of course, I'm Christian,

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<v Speaker 1>so I've still got the christ Light within me. I

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<v Speaker 1>always call myself a Christian on the fringe, literally because

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<v Speaker 1>I still keep my roots of love and devotion and

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<v Speaker 1>love and service I do, you know, doing others. There's

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<v Speaker 1>a lot of that will stay with me. But you

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<v Speaker 1>know that knowing that time, I can't really give you

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<v Speaker 1>exactly how much time I was there. I just know

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<v Speaker 1>that I clearly had a negotiation with God. Oh this

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<v Speaker 1>is God. I've got to have a conversation. But what

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<v Speaker 1>was interesting is I could feel coming back into my body.

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<v Speaker 1>And that's why I started to have a negotiation, is

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<v Speaker 1>because I could That's one hundred percent, that's exactly what happened.

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<v Speaker 1>I go, oh, we're going back. Oh God, this is

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<v Speaker 1>not the pat No, it was like, oh, things are peaceful,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm whole, I feel like where I'm supposed to be.

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<v Speaker 1>And then I feel this vacuum. I was like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>and that's when I started to beg literally please. So

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<v Speaker 1>at the end of the tunnel, it felt like an

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<v Speaker 1>open space avoid but the void it didn't feel like

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<v Speaker 1>what you and I would It wasn't empty. It was

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<v Speaker 1>a void, but it wasn't empty. It was filled with energy.

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<v Speaker 1>And I always think about the stars in many ways

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<v Speaker 1>like this, because in the stars they have, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>between all the stars in the sky, they have an

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<v Speaker 1>aura and they have a light that means there's a star,

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<v Speaker 1>but there's no void, there's space between those stars. I

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<v Speaker 1>was in the aura of this light. That's what it

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<v Speaker 1>felt like for me. We'll be right back after a

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<v Speaker 1>word from our sponsor, and now back to the show.

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<v Speaker 1>And so it didn't feel empty, it didn't feel alone.

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<v Speaker 1>It wasn't purgatory. I didn't, you know, I didn't have it.

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't say, oh, you've reached. Now, look what you've done.

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<v Speaker 1>You've not surrendered. And slowly I woke up and there's

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<v Speaker 1>my mother who was scared to death. I was mad,

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<v Speaker 1>and you know, i'd like to say that after I

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<v Speaker 1>left that experience, I got clean and sober and all

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<v Speaker 1>was perfect in that world. But that's not what happened.

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<v Speaker 1>It took a long time for me to come together.

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<v Speaker 1>But that moment of feeling that unconditional love and that

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<v Speaker 1>moment of being on the other side, it felt like

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<v Speaker 1>a lifetime that I'd never want to leave, so much

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<v Speaker 1>that I mentally was negotiating with God, saying, this is

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<v Speaker 1>where I'm supposed to be right here. That moment, I

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<v Speaker 1>know gave me Three years later, that near death experience

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<v Speaker 1>didn't have that much of an impact on me immediately,

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<v Speaker 1>but three years later my dad died. It was very

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<v Speaker 1>hard on me. I had had put together some sobriety

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<v Speaker 1>at that time, and i'd probably been a year sober,

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<v Speaker 1>and when he died, all bets were off. I remember

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<v Speaker 1>it was New Year's Eve, actually, and it was Texas

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<v Speaker 1>New Year's Eve. It's cold and rainy, and I got

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<v Speaker 1>nowhere to go. I can't go home to my mom,

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<v Speaker 1>but I'd come to a place in my life where

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<v Speaker 1>I wanted to die. I couldn't bear being in the

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<v Speaker 1>physical world. It was too painful, it was too lonely. Again,

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<v Speaker 1>I processed it. It was nine months after my dad died.

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<v Speaker 1>I was walking down the road to said, God, look,

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<v Speaker 1>I can't keep this sobriety together. I don't want to

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<v Speaker 1>live here. I'm trying to have a job and do

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<v Speaker 1>all the right things, but the truth is my dad

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<v Speaker 1>is not here with me. And I said, I can't

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<v Speaker 1>live with my mother. And I said, I'm just going

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<v Speaker 1>to jump out in front of the next car that passes.

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<v Speaker 1>It's raining thirty degrees outside, and I was really I

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<v Speaker 1>was fixing. I mean, this is a highway. I'm just

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<v Speaker 1>fixing a step off. And I went to step off,

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<v Speaker 1>and a van stopped behind me and asked me, do

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<v Speaker 1>you need help? And I was probably five miles from

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<v Speaker 1>my godmother's house, whom I had seen. This is why

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<v Speaker 1>I know, even when we think life is terrible and

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<v Speaker 1>it's sucking, it's not going our way, that there are

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<v Speaker 1>angels along the path that love us. Whether they're teachers, neighbors,

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<v Speaker 1>these were. They were My godmother was my neighbor. And

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<v Speaker 1>I was five miles from there. I said, just take

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<v Speaker 1>me to Betty's house. I said, Betty, I got to

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<v Speaker 1>figure out my life. And she said, you can stay here,

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<v Speaker 1>and I started to put to my life together. And

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<v Speaker 1>then at that moment though, when I knew I had

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<v Speaker 1>that fee, It's kind of like when I told God

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<v Speaker 1>I was stepping off, I'm done with this, because by

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<v Speaker 1>that time I had already tried to drink and use

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<v Speaker 1>myself like I tried to mix things together, so I

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<v Speaker 1>would just die now even though I look like I

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<v Speaker 1>was having a good time, my plan was to get gone.

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<v Speaker 1>That moment when I stepped off, I was talking to

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<v Speaker 1>that near death person that I felt I was. I

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<v Speaker 1>wanted to go back there, and I said, wherever you are, like,

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<v Speaker 1>this is it. I'm I'm done. And when that van stopped,

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<v Speaker 1>it's like that I kind of paid attention to that.

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<v Speaker 1>I went, I did get help. I am getting help.

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<v Speaker 1>Now what am I going to do with it? And

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<v Speaker 1>so that gave me that knowing that all back then,

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<v Speaker 1>it started to come together for me that something bigger

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<v Speaker 1>than me wanted me to stay here, that it was

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<v Speaker 1>something good in me that needed to be a purpose.

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<v Speaker 1>And that's what I did. It's what I've done ever since,

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<v Speaker 1>is I have put my life on a higher plane.

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<v Speaker 1>And through that time, when my gifts started to awaken,

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<v Speaker 1>which I'm going to say, I think that was better

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<v Speaker 1>for me as an adult, because obviously I couldn't have

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<v Speaker 1>handled any more gifts. So that there were periods that

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<v Speaker 1>I know that I processed that, and I know that

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<v Speaker 1>time in the light, whatever charge, whatever beautiful energy frequency

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<v Speaker 1>that is, I know that when the time came, with

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<v Speaker 1>enough intention, and I'm going to call it virtuous goals,

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<v Speaker 1>I wanted to do something good for others that my

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<v Speaker 1>life apparently me living for myself was not a good plan.

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<v Speaker 1>That I needed to devote my life to helping others.

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<v Speaker 1>That came together and then my sort of my gifts

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<v Speaker 1>started to awaken in a very safe and comfortable way.

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<v Speaker 1>Began to read people's energy and not be afraid. I

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<v Speaker 1>used to be able to. I would know things at

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<v Speaker 1>work and people would come and talk to me, and

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<v Speaker 1>people started talking to me about their life, and things

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<v Speaker 1>would come to me as they did from a different

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<v Speaker 1>higher version of myself. And I think I love the

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<v Speaker 1>fact that you use the term higher self, because I

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<v Speaker 1>do believe that if we have education around that, if

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<v Speaker 1>we understand what that is, that our life can change

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<v Speaker 1>categorically for the better and the most powerful life that

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<v Speaker 1>we can be if we're in our higher self. And

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<v Speaker 1>it was through this sort of follow the bread crumbs

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<v Speaker 1>through a lot of drama and you know, suffering and pain,

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<v Speaker 1>but with the determined to know you want to do

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<v Speaker 1>something good for yourself, then those gifts started to unfold

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<v Speaker 1>like a lotus flower the spiritual path. Per se, I

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<v Speaker 1>really still was on a mission to die, honestly, because

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<v Speaker 1>it just didn't see how to be happy and do that. Now,

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<v Speaker 1>that's one thing that stuck with me. I go that

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<v Speaker 1>nobody else is meant to judge that even though if

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<v Speaker 1>you go to the church that's all they do, you're

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<v Speaker 1>not doing. And so I knew that if I could

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<v Speaker 1>create a relationship with God that was a loving God

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<v Speaker 1>like what I had felt, that that was going to

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<v Speaker 1>be my answer. I can't tell you how logically I

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<v Speaker 1>knew that. I just knew it. And I think that

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<v Speaker 1>we can learn that from spirituality. Same thing with us

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<v Speaker 1>choosing to move beyond our religion's upbringing. We look at

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<v Speaker 1>are they who we want to be like? And I

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<v Speaker 1>think that's the gift in our soul's path that yes,

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<v Speaker 1>we do have suffering. So I think that you know,

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<v Speaker 1>for people that are have gone through trauma. There's always

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<v Speaker 1>there is a reason behind that, because their souls are

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<v Speaker 1>meant to bring help and hope and healing to other

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<v Speaker 1>people to their divine qualities. So trying to see the

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<v Speaker 1>best in situation isn't just positive thinking. I think it's

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<v Speaker 1>a spiritual discipline. Sometimes we spend half of our lives

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<v Speaker 1>finding out that we're not bad, that were beautiful beings.