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Speaker 1: All right, y'all, today come, this is not amuse No

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More with your hosts, doctor and Evangeliance Kao Rich, helping

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you to admit what you feel in order to be

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healed from the effects of non suspensive abuse because your

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feelings do matters. Hi, y'all doing today on this beautiful Friday,

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Yes it is Friday Friday, Friday, January the ninth of

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twenty twenty six. I pray that you have had a

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blessed stress free, narcissistic free, abuse free weeks so far,

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and that the remainder of this week will continue to

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be so as well. But if not, we're gonna be

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talking about a few things today again. My name is

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doctor ko Rich with nark Abuse No More, where we're

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here to help you admit what you feel in order

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to heal from the effects of narcissistic abuse because your

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feelings do matter, Yes they do. But before we go

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on with today's podcasts, I would like to just so

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remind you that we are back. We are back on

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this year every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at ten am

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Eastern Standard time, nine am Central, and that is on

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various platforms. Okay, right now, you can catch us on Spreaker,

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our Heart Radio, Spotify, I believe, on iTunes, different podcasts

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and everything. So again, just go ahead and just check

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us out and hopefully you will enjoy all right, and

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learn a lot. Not just enjoy it, but learn a lot.

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And if these podcasts are being a blessing to you,

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then please take a moment to share them, share them

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on your Facebook, your YouTube. Now, don't don't send this

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to the narcissists. Okay, don't send this to the narcissists,

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because they will not acknowledge anything that they do. One

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thing about narcissists is, and you have to be mindful of,

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is that they are emotional vampires. Okay, emotional vampires. Now,

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when you think about those I don't watch these anymore.

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But when you think about movies you may have seen

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with regards to vampires or which whatever. Now that you

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have of those things, basically you're dealing with a creature

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of habit, Okay, a creature of habit. Their habit is

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they suck the blood out of you. All right. So

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if you've seen those old Dracula movies and all that, okay,

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you've seen that they like to get you at the

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neck where they can I guess the veins in the

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neck is the best one for them to be able

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to get the most blood out of you. But they

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bite you on the neck and then they drain the

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life out of you, all right. Now, Sometimes when you've

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seen those movies, you may have seen where the victim

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of the narcissists become a vampire themselves, okay, And that

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often happens sometimes when you have if you grew up

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in a narcissistic household, you're either gonna be the codependent

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where you're relying on people that are troublesome, or you

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become one yourself and are both okay. So it is

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important to understand that when you're dealing with this type

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of these type of people, that you have to guard

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your heart. You really have to guard your heart because

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they're not You can't expect them to change. Now, I

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always do this disclaimer. Can God change anyone absolutely when

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and if they submit themselves fully to him?

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Speaker 2: Why?

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Speaker 1: Because we have freedom of choice, freedom of choice, and

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so therefore if you allow the work to be done,

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and that means, you know, even if you go on

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to therapy or whatever, are narcissists most of the time

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they don't go to therapy. They feel as if nothing's

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wrong with them. So what happens is that at the

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people who they have been victimized by are the ones

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that oftentimes be the ones in therapy trying to heal

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from the damage that was done to them by the narcissists.

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And so it is important to understand when you are

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dealing with these type of individuals what to expect and

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what not to expect. Okay, and when you have that

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all figured out and understand well, this is what they

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will do and this is what you don't expect them

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to do, then it helps you to departmentalize what you

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need to have take place in your life in order

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to not allow it to affect you or to move

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forward in your healing. So when it comes to the narcissists,

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we know that the narcissists is about out power and control.

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They are very self centered, they are very manipulative, They

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are arrogant, They lack empathy. They have a need for

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excessive admiration and validation that you will see traits of entitlement. Okay, Uh.

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They have this grandiose view of themselves. They're envious of others,

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and they have fantasies of power, and and and and

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and therefore, when you are dealing with someone with all

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these different types of traits, you will often deal with

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people that are dealing with abuse and cycles. Okay, so

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there's a such things. There's such thing as narcissistic abuse.

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The cycle of narcissistic abuse. We often talk about when

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it comes to other types of abuse, which is still

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oftentimes wrapped up in narcissism. We we often talk about

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cycles of abuse when it comes to domestic violence, and

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we're gonna talk about that on a different on a

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different podcast for another day. Today, we're dealing with the

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cycle of narcissistic abuse, the cycle of narcissistic abuse, because

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when you're dealing with abuse, you're oftentimes dealing with it

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in cycles. And this is what this is why can

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sometimes be so hard to get away from these type

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of individuals because of the cycle. It throws you off,

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It kind of gives you whiplash. Okay, you one minute

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is good, one minute is not, or whatever. So we're

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gonna we're gonna talk about that and help you to

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understand why you might have a hard time getting out

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from a thunder of this type of emotional abuse because

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of the cycle. So the first thing to know in

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this particular, like, well, we're gonna talk about four things, idealization,

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the incident that dis scarred are in the uh devaluation,

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and first we're gonna deal with idealization, which includes love bombing.

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Now we mentioned this on the I Believe the last podcast.

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When it comes to love bombing, when you first get

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in a relationship, and this is normally uh, any of

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us who have met someone for the first time, it's

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all flowers and roses and butterflies and whoho. Okay, so

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you you meet this person and you all cuckoo. Well

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I'm not gonna say cuckoo for cocoa, cause that's when

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you've gone a little bonkers. But but in your mind,

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you're just, oh, oh, this is the best thing since

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chocolate cake. Okay, cause this person is giving you all

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kinds of attention, they're giving you compliments, they're even sometimes

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given your gifts. So this is essentially called the honeymoon phase. Okay,

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when they act as if they're the perfect one for you.

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All right now, I'm gonna just say this, be careful,

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especially when you're just getting to know someone and you

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go out on the first date, be careful of what

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you say with regards to issues that may have taken

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place in your past, okay, because you need to build

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up to that because when you're dealing with the narcissist,

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sy when if you give too much information, that narcissist

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is gonna try to be the very person that they

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know that you need, just so they can get you

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into their web. So you if you start out saying, well,

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you know, I went through abuse and the person wasn't there,

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and I didn't feel good by myself and I feel appreciated. Oh,

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they're gonna try to do all those things, okay, but

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they're not showing you who they really are, all right.

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So this is the love bombing stage, okay, the idealization

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stage where they will be very much everything that they

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think you want in that person. Oh they're gonna be generous,

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they're gonna be attentive, they're gonna be giving, and it

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can be very intoxicating. Okay, you on a high because

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this person is doing all these things. They're the they're

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the dream that you wanted. They're your Prince Charming or

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whatever the case may be. Okay, so they're sympathetic, they're sympathetic,

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they're very flattering. They take you to different trips, maybe

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even meals and vaca and all these things. Now, let

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me just pause for a moment. This is not to

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say that everyone who does these things is a narcissist. Okay,

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there are despite the trauma that you may have dealt

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with inside the relationship, there are good people. Okay. God

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has made good people on this earth for us, you know,

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as good as we can possibly be on the human side. Now.

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But the thing is is that you really need wisdom

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and discernment. And I will tell you, if you're a Christian,

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you need to pray. You need to pray and ask

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God lords. Let me see what's underneath the facade, okay,

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or underneath the mask or underneath the person. Let me

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know if this is genuine, Let me know if this

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is real. Let me know if this is something that

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that I can truly say that or believe or put

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my heart into, because the Bible does let us know

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to guard our hearts, all right, So it's not that

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you know, what it basically means is that you don't

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trust everyone. You don't trust what you see in everyone. Okay,

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if they buy your gift, okay, but narcissists will do this, okay, narcissists.

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One of the things that narcissists tend to do is

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they're very giving. They will they oftentimes they will give

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give gift and why because they get something out of it. Now,

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it's not that all that you have to give them

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anything for us them buying them something. But they tend

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to be giving individuals, so they will always give, give, give, gift,

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gilt because they're trying to get loyalty points. Okay, They're

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trying to make sure that they have someone that in

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the end is gonna be on their side. They also

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want to make sure that they have that reputation because

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narcissists are more concerned about how other people view them

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than how they really treat those around them. So while

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they're treating everybody else around them like crap, okay, they

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will treat the stranger, the neighbor, their friend or whatever,

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they will treat them like royalty because they want that

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person in their inner circle. And oftentimes, when you talk

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about dealing with flying monkeys, as we talked about I

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believe on on Monday's program, when you talk about flying monkeys,

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and these are the people who do the evil person's bidding. Okay,

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As in The Wizard of Oz, the Wicked Witch had

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the flying monkeys that would do her little nasty little things.

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I haven't seen that movie in years. But anyway, when

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you talk about flying monkeys, you talk about people who

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are loyal to the narcissists. So, whether they know it

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or whether they don't, they are a flying monkey of

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the narcissists. They're blinded by the narcissist charm, or they

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may even know, okay, but they're not going to side

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with you. Even if they know that you're going through abuse,

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they're not gonna side with you because they have more

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to lose from not being in the narcissistic circle than

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they would be defending you. So oftentimes when abuse victims

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or if they tell the narcissists narcissist friends, oh, well,

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you know they're doing this, they're doing that, and even

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if they know it to be true, they're not gonna

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side with the victim. And this is ooh boy. Just recently,

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and I don't know if the allegations are true or not.

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I hope they're not, But just recently, another pastor has

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been in the news about someone coming out on them

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with regards to sexual abuse. So this is a a

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young man accusing another man, very popular, very famous I

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saw musical artists, and accusing him of taking advantage of

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him sexually. Now we've heard this story over and over

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over again so many times, and it it it's so

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sad because when you're in a position of power, you're

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not to abuse that power. But one of the things

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that m M when most of these alleged victims come

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forward with these stories, a lot of times you will

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find that what they have in common is the person

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always gave them gifts. Basically, the person groomed them into

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being what they want it to be. So be careful

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of gifts because narcissists also use gifts as a way

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to control and manipulate. And you may not find out

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about who they are where it's just so blatantly there.

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But if you know this, you'll see subtle signs, subtle

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signs that if you don't adhere to certain things with

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the narcissists, they will show a little piece of themselves

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even though they're giving you things. Okay, you will see

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the subtle signs, all right, Okay, because they try to

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hide who they are, so when you're in this idealization stage,

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you're dealing with someone that's gonna woo you, that's gonna

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have your heads over in love with them, someone that

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you're gonna be really crazy about. Oh, they're gonna be

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the best thing. And this is why I tell young

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women pray, and you have to pray some more and

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ask God Lord give me discernments so I will not

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be food because in the beginning mostly everybody's good in

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the beginning. But come on, you you on your best

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act at first. All right, So be careful about this

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idealization stage because it make no mistake. They will use

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this against you later on. All right, Now, when you

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talk about stage two, the incident, okay, this is called

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the incident. The incident is when you don't agree with them,

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then you're gonna see you're gonna start seeing some things change.

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When you set a boundary, you're gonna start seeing their

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things a little bit. When you uh you when you

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don't be what they want you to be. For is

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giving them that sub apply that they need, or when

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they find a new source of supply, then you're gonna

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see the incident. Okay, So basically everything changes with regards

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to when you start standing up for yourself. Okay. So

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the the narcissism where if they get bored with you,

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or if they find somebody who's giving them more uh

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more supply, whatever that supply is, that that feeds them.

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If they're getting more of it from someone else, you

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may feel uh depleted by the time you get done

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with them, okay, because you don't have anything else to give.

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So basically, the narcissists are very fragile creatures. They can't

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stand to be faced with the reality of who they

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are within them, their inner selves. They have shame, They

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are not root. They don't really feel good about themselves,

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because when you feel good about yourself, you don't have

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to treat other people as if they're the scum of

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the earth or if they're a puss on your shoe

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or something. Okay, but that's what narcissists do, all right.

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So basically they're trying to protect people from actually protect

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themselves from actually allowing others to see who they really are.

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So this is why they If you've ever what most

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people haven't, but a lot of people some people have.

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If you've ever been to a masquerade ball or you've

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seen it on television, and they have these masks, and

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you don't know who's behind the mask until they remove

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the mask. Okay, So they have this mask that's on

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a little stand or on a little stick or whatever,

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and they put the mask in front of them, in

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front of their faces, and you do not know who's

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behind the mask until the mask is removed. Therefore, of narcissists,

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they hide behind the mask to protect themselves from society,

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from the rest of the world, because if people really

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knew who they were, then they would not like what

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they see. This reminds me of the movie V. If

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you've ever seen the movie V. They did a remake

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in two thousand something, but this originally came out in

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the eighties. I believe it was these alien creatures who

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had come down to Earth. On the outside, they had

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regular human skin. Okay, they looked like in human talk

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like and human you know, in many ways, acted like humans.

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But underneath they had these these sclly look like reptilian

279
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scales and things, and they ate mice and all this

280
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kind of stuff. Okay, they would called a V for visitors.

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This is how the narcissist acts. They would emulate, imitate,

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and act as they what society deems as civil, but underneath,

283
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underneath it all, they're alien, reptilian creatures. All right, we

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are going to take a quick break and we'll be

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back in just a moment. Whom m.

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Speaker 3: I wasn't look and I was here and learning how

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to breathe again, you showed.

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Speaker 4: Up, But I can answer, not a rush, but Heaven's

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planning every nor that broke me, Jones, let me right

290
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to this shouse now and see every day was just

291
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gonna preparing the way. And we went to pray for

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love that last he gave me something that.

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Speaker 1: We crawl through the past.

294
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Speaker 4: We are men to be God's time, not too early

295
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not to play go on names on safe.

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Speaker 3: Now every hearty says you pray we're misa be in

297
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his mercy to be loved, the chance we see love

298
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that he desired you and me man to be. I

299
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used to push all the waiting.

300
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Speaker 4: I think him for the space. If we met before

301
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a season, we'd have.

302
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Speaker 1: Missed this kind of man.

303
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Speaker 3: Now we laugh through the songs pray were nice gong and.

304
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Speaker 4: Every morning day reminds his.

305
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Speaker 1: Plan was right.

306
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Speaker 3: Cheat everything, let me closer to ideas just as saving

307
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me for nothing last few minutes, I signed not so early,

308
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not a name, all her names on the same every

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tidy says your.

310
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Speaker 4: Friends, ncy nobody, lood chance.

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Speaker 1: We see by the back he designed name to.

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Speaker 5: That sod.

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Speaker 1: He owe her names on the same page.

314
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Speaker 3: In his pursy, no boy, look a chance basic, but

315
00:23:50,039 --> 00:23:53,839
by love that he designed you a moment to me.

316
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Speaker 2: She wid a hole.

317
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Speaker 1: Was your pulsing friend?

318
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Speaker 5: They going.

319
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Speaker 1: Gossa and this is been to be God's timing. I

320
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don't know who sings that, but it's a beautiful song,

321
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a beautiful Christian love song.

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Speaker 2: All right.

323
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Speaker 1: All right. So another thing that when you talk about

324
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stage three, it's the devaluation. The devaluation. Now, one thing

325
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narcissists are very good. It is devaluating you, or in

326
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other words, invalidation of you. That means they put you down.

327
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They they have constant criticism, They try to punish you,

328
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they give you the silent treatment. This is when you

329
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experience the rejection and narcissistic grade and narcissist. You know,

330
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you have to remember when a narcissist is emotionally immature.

331
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This means that you have this three year old in

332
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an adult body. All right, So the love bombing. When

333
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:31,400
we talk about that love bombing phase, it aims to

334
00:25:31,519 --> 00:25:35,079
give to get your trust all right, to learn what

335
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your fears are, your insecurities. This is why I say

336
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:42,000
you have to very much watch what you say when

337
00:25:42,079 --> 00:25:46,359
you're first getting to know someone, especially you know, if

338
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:49,319
you're getting to date, getting to date them or whatever

339
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:53,160
case may be, be very careful with giving them your

340
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:56,519
weaknesses and all this because this is something that they

341
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will use against you later, or their use it to

342
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get all the information they can about you so then

343
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later on they can use it against you. It's amazing

344
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how narcissists people think, oh, well, these people are really

345
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:15,119
loving and they're friendly and all that, and then they

346
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just don't have any idea who they just told all

347
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their information too, because behind the scenes the person is

348
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a narcissist and what you give them they will use

349
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against you later. So this devaluation stage, you know, you

350
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think that, oh well, they're loving, but then you find

351
00:26:39,839 --> 00:26:44,160
out that you've given them too much information because they

352
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:46,519
will use it in a vote. They put everything you

353
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:49,680
tell them in a vote just so they can pull

354
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it out later to use it against you. And this

355
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is why it is so you know, it gives you

356
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this whiplash because you were like, Okay, this person was attentive,

357
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:07,720
this person was charromatic, A charism I'm sorry, charismatic, charismatic,

358
00:27:07,799 --> 00:27:13,079
I'm sorry, charismatic. This person was you know, energetic. But

359
00:27:14,079 --> 00:27:17,440
at the same time, they wind up, they wind up

360
00:27:17,519 --> 00:27:22,079
showing you later on that that's not who they really are,

361
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and so it has you go into what's called cognitive dissonance.

362
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Cognitive dissonance that means that you a you are of

363
00:27:29,599 --> 00:27:34,759
two opposing thoughts at the same time. Well, let me

364
00:27:34,799 --> 00:27:37,720
give you an example. Well, the sky is blue, but

365
00:27:37,839 --> 00:27:42,599
it's black, or the water is clear, but it also

366
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:45,319
has oil, so you have a you have two different

367
00:27:45,359 --> 00:27:48,160
opinions of the same thing. So you know that they've

368
00:27:48,319 --> 00:27:51,359
just mistreated you. You know that they've lied to you,

369
00:27:51,559 --> 00:27:53,759
you know that they behavior changed. But what you do

370
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:56,599
is you are making an excuse. Oh well, uh, it's

371
00:27:56,680 --> 00:28:00,119
because of their background. Oh it's because they have had

372
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:04,279
a bad day. Oh well, you know, everyone has problems.

373
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You try to justify the abuse. So you have cognitive dissonance.

374
00:28:11,039 --> 00:28:14,160
You know that you're being mistreated, you know that you're

375
00:28:14,279 --> 00:28:19,160
being done wrong. You know that that this person is

376
00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:24,599
not giving you what you need. But then you justify it, Okay,

377
00:28:24,799 --> 00:28:26,880
well it's because of this, and it's because of that,

378
00:28:27,079 --> 00:28:30,319
and I'm gonna believe them and try to hold on

379
00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:32,440
the hope for them and all that. And then so

380
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:36,680
therefore you have this cognitive dissonance when you really know

381
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:38,319
you should get out of this relationship, but then you

382
00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:41,400
stand because oh, well, they had a bad childhood. Well

383
00:28:41,559 --> 00:28:43,720
let me just say what I said on the last podcasts.

384
00:28:44,559 --> 00:28:48,839
Just because somebody had it rough doesn't mean they have

385
00:28:49,039 --> 00:28:54,400
to treat you rough. Just because somebody was abused when

386
00:28:54,559 --> 00:28:56,920
they were a child doesn't mean that you have to

387
00:28:57,039 --> 00:29:01,279
take the abuse you. You do not have to suffer

388
00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:07,160
for someone else's what was what was done to somebody else.

389
00:29:08,559 --> 00:29:14,440
So basically, what I am saying here is you have

390
00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:21,440
to put your emotional health first of the times. And

391
00:29:21,519 --> 00:29:25,839
I'm gonna use women that are in abusive physical, abusive relationships,

392
00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:30,359
they go back into the relationship because they feel sorry

393
00:29:30,519 --> 00:29:35,400
for their abuser. Oh well he will he has a

394
00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:41,200
hard life. Oh his father was in jail. Oh well,

395
00:29:41,519 --> 00:29:44,000
he got fired from his job. Let me just say this,

396
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:50,279
There's always gonna be a situation that can lead to

397
00:29:52,039 --> 00:29:59,440
a situation. Yet you have choices. Everyone has choices. If

398
00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:01,880
you were use as a child, doesn't mean you're gonna

399
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:05,160
abuse someone else. You have a choice. You have a

400
00:30:05,319 --> 00:30:08,480
choice to change, You have a choice to do better.

401
00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:11,440
You have a choice to say, you know what, I

402
00:30:11,599 --> 00:30:17,480
am not gonna repeat the cycle. And yet many do.

403
00:30:19,319 --> 00:30:23,799
And so when you're in this devaluation stage you sometimes

404
00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:28,279
they will do put downs by doing jokes at your expense.

405
00:30:29,559 --> 00:30:32,440
They will be they would use kind words to really

406
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:35,200
disguise their MENI what let me see, let me think

407
00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:38,759
of word. Let me think of a kind word that

408
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:42,039
somebody will use. But it's actually not as kind as

409
00:30:42,079 --> 00:30:45,880
it come out to be. Okay, so uh, someone may

410
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:50,279
let me see here, what example could I use? Okay,

411
00:30:50,519 --> 00:30:55,160
someone may bring you some some kind of dish and

412
00:30:55,319 --> 00:31:00,240
it doesn't taste that well. And then you would say response, oh,

413
00:31:00,359 --> 00:31:05,400
bless your heart. Now, bless your heart could be a

414
00:31:06,599 --> 00:31:09,319
good thing. Will oh you know you're wishing blessings to

415
00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:12,480
that person or but oftentimes people use oh, bless your

416
00:31:12,559 --> 00:31:19,480
heart or whatever. It could be a uh sarcastic or

417
00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:24,079
not so much kind even though it sounds kind, but

418
00:31:24,279 --> 00:31:30,319
then it's not. It has an ulterior alternative meaning to it.

419
00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:34,119
Should I say so, You have to be very careful

420
00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:37,119
when you when you are thinking that this narcissist is

421
00:31:37,319 --> 00:31:41,440
really on your side, you will experience gas lightning. As

422
00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:46,920
we talked about before rejection. They project or blame others

423
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:50,799
or blame you for what they have done. They will

424
00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:55,759
lie and manipulate you. They respect others, okay, they will.

425
00:31:56,160 --> 00:32:00,200
You experience this narcissistic rage from them. Okay, this it's

426
00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:05,240
all part of the devaluation stage. Do not get your

427
00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:09,440
self esteem from a narcissist. If you do, you won't

428
00:32:09,519 --> 00:32:13,720
have any. If you're waiting for the narcissists to praise you,

429
00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:18,880
love you, value you, uplift you. They may do it

430
00:32:19,079 --> 00:32:22,559
during the initial stage of that honeymoon stage when they're

431
00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:26,599
trying to get you lured into their tramp. But believe me,

432
00:32:26,759 --> 00:32:30,319
when you're in this cycle, it's gonna go back around.

433
00:32:30,759 --> 00:32:33,759
And what we talk about cycles. When we're talking about cycles,

434
00:32:33,839 --> 00:32:38,759
we're talking about things that repeat, things that repeat. So

435
00:32:39,359 --> 00:32:42,559
when you're dealing with the narcissists, they'll tell you that

436
00:32:42,799 --> 00:32:46,079
it didn't happen. They'll tell you that it wasn't their fault.

437
00:32:46,359 --> 00:32:48,519
They'll tell you that they didn't it didn't mean anything.

438
00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:51,839
They'll tell you that you deserved it, and if I

439
00:32:52,119 --> 00:32:56,960
did do they will never take responsibility okay. And again

440
00:32:57,119 --> 00:33:00,319
there's always an exception if they truly submit themself else

441
00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:03,759
to God, but most many of them will not.

442
00:33:04,799 --> 00:33:04,839
Speaker 2: So.

443
00:33:06,039 --> 00:33:09,880
Speaker 1: In other words, they want you to be voiding empty.

444
00:33:10,279 --> 00:33:14,440
They want you to live up to their unrealistic expectations,

445
00:33:14,799 --> 00:33:16,960
and if you fail to do so, then they will

446
00:33:17,079 --> 00:33:20,359
punish you. Okay. That means that they want you to

447
00:33:20,519 --> 00:33:24,720
obey everything that they tell you to do, with the

448
00:33:24,839 --> 00:33:29,160
exception of them coming through on what they should do.

449
00:33:30,440 --> 00:33:32,640
They will pick a fight with you and blame you

450
00:33:32,839 --> 00:33:35,880
for it. They would even run a smear campaign. When

451
00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:38,200
we talking about smear campaign, you talking about them going

452
00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:41,359
on telling everybody how such a horrible person you are,

453
00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:45,160
when in actuality people do not know what they are

454
00:33:45,279 --> 00:33:50,319
doing behind the scenes. They will publicly humiliate you, all right.

455
00:33:50,839 --> 00:33:53,720
Another thing is they would ghost you, ignore you, or

456
00:33:53,839 --> 00:33:56,359
just totally walk out of your life. And you're wondering, well,

457
00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:58,000
how do I pick up the pieces because I had

458
00:33:58,079 --> 00:34:02,440
no closure? All right? Another thing is they will become aggressive,

459
00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:09,239
whether it's mentally, emotionally verbally or physically. Be careful of

460
00:34:10,079 --> 00:34:14,039
this because it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good.

461
00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:17,199
But the thing is is when you know what you're

462
00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:22,719
dealing with, then you can be best prepared for what

463
00:34:23,079 --> 00:34:27,000
you can expect next out of that relationship. Number four

464
00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:32,079
discard or hoover. They will discard you or cut you

465
00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:35,440
out of their life and or hoover you back into

466
00:34:35,679 --> 00:34:38,639
So once you move on, guess what they're gonna try

467
00:34:38,679 --> 00:34:41,000
to do. They're gonna try to get you back because

468
00:34:41,039 --> 00:34:45,199
the narcissist does not want to lose you, not because

469
00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:48,119
they love you, but because they want to do the

470
00:34:48,199 --> 00:34:50,880
discard thing. They want to be the one that's able

471
00:34:51,039 --> 00:34:57,400
to discard you. For example, you can have a disagreement

472
00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:59,960
with someone. Okay, you on the telephone, have a disagreement

473
00:35:00,119 --> 00:35:02,559
with someone, and they will threaten you you bet not

474
00:35:02,639 --> 00:35:04,400
hang up on me, and then they wind up hanging

475
00:35:04,519 --> 00:35:12,719
up on you. Okay. That's textbook narcissistic, textbook narcissistic. Okay.

476
00:35:13,679 --> 00:35:17,159
They want to be in control. They want to be

477
00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:21,159
the one that discards you. They have no empathy. They

478
00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:26,400
do not have compassion. They imitate compassion, they imitate empathy,

479
00:35:26,719 --> 00:35:30,760
but they truly really do not have it. And when

480
00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:35,039
they show some empathy or compassion, it's only for them

481
00:35:35,199 --> 00:35:38,280
to look good. They want to look good. It's not

482
00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:42,039
about you, it's about them. They want to look good

483
00:35:42,360 --> 00:35:45,320
when they do the gift giving and love bombing, Oh

484
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:47,599
it's for you, the oh thank you and praise them,

485
00:35:47,679 --> 00:35:49,920
or whatever case may be, because that boost is that

486
00:35:50,039 --> 00:35:55,159
gives them that narcissistic supply. When actuality they don't even

487
00:35:55,320 --> 00:36:00,280
have any empathy for anyone. So again, remember how they

488
00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:05,000
operate when they get ready to discard you, when it

489
00:36:05,079 --> 00:36:10,400
comes to this hoovering, they will squeeze the supply out

490
00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:14,639
of you. Okay, So basically you're giving all you can

491
00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:19,239
in this relationship only for them to discard you later

492
00:36:19,719 --> 00:36:25,159
and therefore the narcissistic cycle starts all over again. Be

493
00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:29,880
careful not to trauma bond trauma bond with this individual.

494
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:32,920
When we talk about trauma bond, and we're gonna go

495
00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:37,599
into more in depth with that on a later podcast. Basically,

496
00:36:38,199 --> 00:36:43,039
you have found a connection with this narcissist, is that oh,

497
00:36:43,159 --> 00:36:47,039
well I must help them, I must save them. Is

498
00:36:47,199 --> 00:36:50,039
they only treat me like this because of their own

499
00:36:50,159 --> 00:36:54,800
past experiences, So you start empathizing with their treatment of

500
00:36:55,079 --> 00:37:02,000
you based upon their backstory. So for example, a woman

501
00:37:02,079 --> 00:37:05,119
will stay in a relationship because she has trauma bonded

502
00:37:05,199 --> 00:37:08,599
with her abuser. So she has said, oh, well, because

503
00:37:08,719 --> 00:37:11,599
his mother used to beat him, then that's why he

504
00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:14,840
treats me this way, and so if I leave him,

505
00:37:14,920 --> 00:37:18,000
then he's not gonna have anyone. You have trauma bonded

506
00:37:18,239 --> 00:37:23,960
with your abuser. Okay, you have trauma bonded with your abuser.

507
00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:31,480
This is something that is not healthy. They they will

508
00:37:31,719 --> 00:37:34,840
make you feel as if you're obligated to them. They

509
00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:41,000
will offer fake promises, they will buy gifts. They play

510
00:37:41,119 --> 00:37:44,519
the victim. They're very good in playing the victim. Now

511
00:37:44,719 --> 00:37:47,960
they have they people do not see all the abuse

512
00:37:48,039 --> 00:37:50,119
they have with you, they have done to you. And

513
00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:53,800
when you finally, when you finally build up that state

514
00:37:53,960 --> 00:37:57,679
where you pop, okay, then they will attack you. Oh

515
00:37:57,760 --> 00:37:59,840
look at you, Look at you, that's why I But

516
00:38:00,239 --> 00:38:03,480
you have been holding your peace, you have been not

517
00:38:03,719 --> 00:38:07,239
saying anything. You have been going along to get along.

518
00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:11,239
And then when you have had enough, then they played

519
00:38:11,239 --> 00:38:16,599
the victim. They will trigger you through other people. Okay,

520
00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:20,639
So they use their flying monkeys to trigger you, they

521
00:38:20,679 --> 00:38:25,400
will start love bombing you again. This is that repeat cycle. Okay,

522
00:38:26,559 --> 00:38:29,000
they will act things that be going well, and this

523
00:38:29,199 --> 00:38:34,840
is what is so confusing for many people. They will

524
00:38:35,119 --> 00:38:39,480
when you talk about narcissists, they will. For a while,

525
00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:43,360
everything could be going great. Okay, everything could be going great.

526
00:38:43,519 --> 00:38:47,840
You're thinking, oh, you know, we got the worst behind

527
00:38:48,119 --> 00:38:51,840
us and everything, and then all of a sudden, bam,

528
00:38:52,639 --> 00:38:57,280
you get into this vehicular accident okay, collision head on,

529
00:38:58,239 --> 00:39:02,000
and you're wondering, what in the world just happened. It's

530
00:39:02,079 --> 00:39:06,559
because it's a cycle. It's a cycle of abuse. And

531
00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:10,079
when while you're in that honeymoon stage of the abuse,

532
00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:15,960
you're thinking that everything's fine, that everything's good, that everything

533
00:39:16,280 --> 00:39:19,519
is going to be just all right, and then they

534
00:39:19,639 --> 00:39:23,719
come out of the bag on you again, and it's

535
00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:26,840
a cycle. Sometimes a cycle can last a day, it's

536
00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:28,800
gonna last a week, it gonna last a month, it

537
00:39:28,880 --> 00:39:30,679
can last a few months, it gonna last a year,

538
00:39:30,719 --> 00:39:34,000
and then it's guarantee that if they have not gotten

539
00:39:34,039 --> 00:39:36,760
the help that they need, that you're gonna go through

540
00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:41,320
the abuse again. And then you're thrown off the horse

541
00:39:42,159 --> 00:39:46,960
because you thought that everything was good and gravy, and

542
00:39:47,159 --> 00:39:51,559
then it happens again, and then you find yourself sitting

543
00:39:51,599 --> 00:39:56,199
down looking like what in the world just happened? And

544
00:39:57,239 --> 00:40:00,679
this is what you have to remember, is that when

545
00:40:00,920 --> 00:40:04,920
an abuser doesn't get help, okay, when they don't get help,

546
00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:08,719
you're going through a cycle again. So expect it to

547
00:40:08,840 --> 00:40:12,639
happen again until they get their help that they need. Now, oftentimes,

548
00:40:12,639 --> 00:40:14,480
when you're dealing with a narcissists, they will not gonna

549
00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:16,199
get the help that they need. So therefore you're the

550
00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:18,519
one that have to wind up in therapy and talking

551
00:40:18,559 --> 00:40:20,840
to someone. And that's okay, because you need to make

552
00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:26,119
sure that you are emotionally equipped to heal from the abuse.

553
00:40:26,599 --> 00:40:30,800
And oftentimes the healing happens when you are outside of

554
00:40:31,199 --> 00:40:37,760
that abusive relationship because as we as we tend to say,

555
00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:41,360
you know, if you keep picking at a sword, it's

556
00:40:41,440 --> 00:40:45,000
gonna keep it's never gonna heal, okay. And so when

557
00:40:45,159 --> 00:40:48,079
you're dealing with the abuse and it keeps happening, happening, happening,

558
00:40:48,519 --> 00:40:51,760
then as long as you stay in that situation, you're

559
00:40:51,840 --> 00:40:55,480
not able to heal. But we know that, as with sores,

560
00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:58,840
it has to scalp over Okay, it has to take time,

561
00:40:59,039 --> 00:41:03,039
it has to allow it to heal, and therefore, if

562
00:41:03,079 --> 00:41:07,119
you don't have someone keep picking at it, then it

563
00:41:07,239 --> 00:41:11,039
can heal. And one thing that is important about healing

564
00:41:12,039 --> 00:41:16,800
is also forgiveness. Forgiveness we're gonna talk about that in

565
00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:21,199
the upcoming podcast as well, because while we're understanding about

566
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:26,599
abuse and narcissistic situations, we also have to understand how

567
00:41:26,719 --> 00:41:31,840
to forgive first yourself and then the person that did

568
00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:36,119
it to you. All right, we are Boudy here at present.

569
00:41:36,159 --> 00:41:41,880
Today's podcast has been a blessing to you and that

570
00:41:42,360 --> 00:41:46,280
you would know that your feelings do matter because guess

571
00:41:46,400 --> 00:42:12,039
what they absolutely do. Until next times.

572
00:42:12,960 --> 00:42:20,320
Speaker 2: Toasts.

573
00:42:19,559 --> 00:42:36,239
Speaker 5: Of fursts

574
00:42:39,079 --> 00:42:39,239
Speaker 4: Into