Speaker 1: All right, y'all, today come, this is not amuse No
More with your hosts, doctor and Evangeliance Kao Rich, helping
you to admit what you feel in order to be
healed from the effects of non suspensive abuse because your
feelings do matters. Hi, y'all doing today on this beautiful Friday,
Yes it is Friday Friday, Friday, January the ninth of
twenty twenty six. I pray that you have had a
blessed stress free, narcissistic free, abuse free weeks so far,
and that the remainder of this week will continue to
be so as well. But if not, we're gonna be
talking about a few things today again. My name is
doctor ko Rich with nark Abuse No More, where we're
here to help you admit what you feel in order
to heal from the effects of narcissistic abuse because your
feelings do matter, Yes they do. But before we go
on with today's podcasts, I would like to just so
remind you that we are back. We are back on
this year every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at ten am
Eastern Standard time, nine am Central, and that is on
various platforms. Okay, right now, you can catch us on Spreaker,
our Heart Radio, Spotify, I believe, on iTunes, different podcasts
and everything. So again, just go ahead and just check
us out and hopefully you will enjoy all right, and
learn a lot. Not just enjoy it, but learn a lot.
And if these podcasts are being a blessing to you,
then please take a moment to share them, share them
on your Facebook, your YouTube. Now, don't don't send this
to the narcissists. Okay, don't send this to the narcissists,
because they will not acknowledge anything that they do. One
thing about narcissists is, and you have to be mindful of,
is that they are emotional vampires. Okay, emotional vampires. Now,
when you think about those I don't watch these anymore.
But when you think about movies you may have seen
with regards to vampires or which whatever. Now that you
have of those things, basically you're dealing with a creature
of habit, Okay, a creature of habit. Their habit is
they suck the blood out of you. All right. So
if you've seen those old Dracula movies and all that, okay,
you've seen that they like to get you at the
neck where they can I guess the veins in the
neck is the best one for them to be able
to get the most blood out of you. But they
bite you on the neck and then they drain the
life out of you, all right. Now, Sometimes when you've
seen those movies, you may have seen where the victim
of the narcissists become a vampire themselves, okay, And that
often happens sometimes when you have if you grew up
in a narcissistic household, you're either gonna be the codependent
where you're relying on people that are troublesome, or you
become one yourself and are both okay. So it is
important to understand that when you're dealing with this type
of these type of people, that you have to guard
your heart. You really have to guard your heart because
they're not You can't expect them to change. Now, I
always do this disclaimer. Can God change anyone absolutely when
and if they submit themselves fully to him?
Speaker 2: Why?
Speaker 1: Because we have freedom of choice, freedom of choice, and
so therefore if you allow the work to be done,
and that means, you know, even if you go on
to therapy or whatever, are narcissists most of the time
they don't go to therapy. They feel as if nothing's
wrong with them. So what happens is that at the
people who they have been victimized by are the ones
that oftentimes be the ones in therapy trying to heal
from the damage that was done to them by the narcissists.
And so it is important to understand when you are
dealing with these type of individuals what to expect and
what not to expect. Okay, and when you have that
all figured out and understand well, this is what they
will do and this is what you don't expect them
to do, then it helps you to departmentalize what you
need to have take place in your life in order
to not allow it to affect you or to move
forward in your healing. So when it comes to the narcissists,
we know that the narcissists is about out power and control.
They are very self centered, they are very manipulative, They
are arrogant, They lack empathy. They have a need for
excessive admiration and validation that you will see traits of entitlement. Okay, Uh.
They have this grandiose view of themselves. They're envious of others,
and they have fantasies of power, and and and and
and therefore, when you are dealing with someone with all
these different types of traits, you will often deal with
people that are dealing with abuse and cycles. Okay, so
there's a such things. There's such thing as narcissistic abuse.
The cycle of narcissistic abuse. We often talk about when
it comes to other types of abuse, which is still
oftentimes wrapped up in narcissism. We we often talk about
cycles of abuse when it comes to domestic violence, and
we're gonna talk about that on a different on a
different podcast for another day. Today, we're dealing with the
cycle of narcissistic abuse, the cycle of narcissistic abuse, because
when you're dealing with abuse, you're oftentimes dealing with it
in cycles. And this is what this is why can
sometimes be so hard to get away from these type
of individuals because of the cycle. It throws you off,
It kind of gives you whiplash. Okay, you one minute
is good, one minute is not, or whatever. So we're
gonna we're gonna talk about that and help you to
understand why you might have a hard time getting out
from a thunder of this type of emotional abuse because
of the cycle. So the first thing to know in
this particular, like, well, we're gonna talk about four things, idealization,
the incident that dis scarred are in the uh devaluation,
and first we're gonna deal with idealization, which includes love bombing.
Now we mentioned this on the I Believe the last podcast.
When it comes to love bombing, when you first get
in a relationship, and this is normally uh, any of
us who have met someone for the first time, it's
all flowers and roses and butterflies and whoho. Okay, so
you you meet this person and you all cuckoo. Well
I'm not gonna say cuckoo for cocoa, cause that's when
you've gone a little bonkers. But but in your mind,
you're just, oh, oh, this is the best thing since
chocolate cake. Okay, cause this person is giving you all
kinds of attention, they're giving you compliments, they're even sometimes
given your gifts. So this is essentially called the honeymoon phase. Okay,
when they act as if they're the perfect one for you.
All right now, I'm gonna just say this, be careful,
especially when you're just getting to know someone and you
go out on the first date, be careful of what
you say with regards to issues that may have taken
place in your past, okay, because you need to build
up to that because when you're dealing with the narcissist,
sy when if you give too much information, that narcissist
is gonna try to be the very person that they
know that you need, just so they can get you
into their web. So you if you start out saying, well,
you know, I went through abuse and the person wasn't there,
and I didn't feel good by myself and I feel appreciated. Oh,
they're gonna try to do all those things, okay, but
they're not showing you who they really are, all right.
So this is the love bombing stage, okay, the idealization
stage where they will be very much everything that they
think you want in that person. Oh they're gonna be generous,
they're gonna be attentive, they're gonna be giving, and it
can be very intoxicating. Okay, you on a high because
this person is doing all these things. They're the they're
the dream that you wanted. They're your Prince Charming or
whatever the case may be. Okay, so they're sympathetic, they're sympathetic,
they're very flattering. They take you to different trips, maybe
even meals and vaca and all these things. Now, let
me just pause for a moment. This is not to
say that everyone who does these things is a narcissist. Okay,
there are despite the trauma that you may have dealt
with inside the relationship, there are good people. Okay. God
has made good people on this earth for us, you know,
as good as we can possibly be on the human side. Now.
But the thing is is that you really need wisdom
and discernment. And I will tell you, if you're a Christian,
you need to pray. You need to pray and ask
God lords. Let me see what's underneath the facade, okay,
or underneath the mask or underneath the person. Let me
know if this is genuine, Let me know if this
is real. Let me know if this is something that
that I can truly say that or believe or put
my heart into, because the Bible does let us know
to guard our hearts, all right, So it's not that
you know, what it basically means is that you don't
trust everyone. You don't trust what you see in everyone. Okay,
if they buy your gift, okay, but narcissists will do this, okay, narcissists.
One of the things that narcissists tend to do is
they're very giving. They will they oftentimes they will give
give gift and why because they get something out of it. Now,
it's not that all that you have to give them
anything for us them buying them something. But they tend
to be giving individuals, so they will always give, give, give, gift,
gilt because they're trying to get loyalty points. Okay, They're
trying to make sure that they have someone that in
the end is gonna be on their side. They also
want to make sure that they have that reputation because
narcissists are more concerned about how other people view them
than how they really treat those around them. So while
they're treating everybody else around them like crap, okay, they
will treat the stranger, the neighbor, their friend or whatever,
they will treat them like royalty because they want that
person in their inner circle. And oftentimes, when you talk
about dealing with flying monkeys, as we talked about I
believe on on Monday's program, when you talk about flying monkeys,
and these are the people who do the evil person's bidding. Okay,
As in The Wizard of Oz, the Wicked Witch had
the flying monkeys that would do her little nasty little things.
I haven't seen that movie in years. But anyway, when
you talk about flying monkeys, you talk about people who
are loyal to the narcissists. So, whether they know it
or whether they don't, they are a flying monkey of
the narcissists. They're blinded by the narcissist charm, or they
may even know, okay, but they're not going to side
with you. Even if they know that you're going through abuse,
they're not gonna side with you because they have more
to lose from not being in the narcissistic circle than
they would be defending you. So oftentimes when abuse victims
or if they tell the narcissists narcissist friends, oh, well,
you know they're doing this, they're doing that, and even
if they know it to be true, they're not gonna
side with the victim. And this is ooh boy. Just recently,
and I don't know if the allegations are true or not.
I hope they're not, But just recently, another pastor has
been in the news about someone coming out on them
with regards to sexual abuse. So this is a a
young man accusing another man, very popular, very famous I
saw musical artists, and accusing him of taking advantage of
him sexually. Now we've heard this story over and over
over again so many times, and it it it's so
sad because when you're in a position of power, you're
not to abuse that power. But one of the things
that m M when most of these alleged victims come
forward with these stories, a lot of times you will
find that what they have in common is the person
always gave them gifts. Basically, the person groomed them into
being what they want it to be. So be careful
of gifts because narcissists also use gifts as a way
to control and manipulate. And you may not find out
about who they are where it's just so blatantly there.
But if you know this, you'll see subtle signs, subtle
signs that if you don't adhere to certain things with
the narcissists, they will show a little piece of themselves
even though they're giving you things. Okay, you will see
the subtle signs, all right, Okay, because they try to
hide who they are, so when you're in this idealization stage,
you're dealing with someone that's gonna woo you, that's gonna
have your heads over in love with them, someone that
you're gonna be really crazy about. Oh, they're gonna be
the best thing. And this is why I tell young
women pray, and you have to pray some more and
ask God Lord give me discernments so I will not
be food because in the beginning mostly everybody's good in
the beginning. But come on, you you on your best
act at first. All right, So be careful about this
idealization stage because it make no mistake. They will use
this against you later on. All right, Now, when you
talk about stage two, the incident, okay, this is called
the incident. The incident is when you don't agree with them,
then you're gonna see you're gonna start seeing some things change.
When you set a boundary, you're gonna start seeing their
things a little bit. When you uh you when you
don't be what they want you to be. For is
giving them that sub apply that they need, or when
they find a new source of supply, then you're gonna
see the incident. Okay, So basically everything changes with regards
to when you start standing up for yourself. Okay. So
the the narcissism where if they get bored with you,
or if they find somebody who's giving them more uh
more supply, whatever that supply is, that that feeds them.
If they're getting more of it from someone else, you
may feel uh depleted by the time you get done
with them, okay, because you don't have anything else to give.
So basically, the narcissists are very fragile creatures. They can't
stand to be faced with the reality of who they
are within them, their inner selves. They have shame, They
are not root. They don't really feel good about themselves,
because when you feel good about yourself, you don't have
to treat other people as if they're the scum of
the earth or if they're a puss on your shoe
or something. Okay, but that's what narcissists do, all right.
So basically they're trying to protect people from actually protect
themselves from actually allowing others to see who they really are.
So this is why they If you've ever what most
people haven't, but a lot of people some people have.
If you've ever been to a masquerade ball or you've
seen it on television, and they have these masks, and
you don't know who's behind the mask until they remove
the mask. Okay, So they have this mask that's on
a little stand or on a little stick or whatever,
and they put the mask in front of them, in
front of their faces, and you do not know who's
behind the mask until the mask is removed. Therefore, of narcissists,
they hide behind the mask to protect themselves from society,
from the rest of the world, because if people really
knew who they were, then they would not like what
they see. This reminds me of the movie V. If
you've ever seen the movie V. They did a remake
in two thousand something, but this originally came out in
the eighties. I believe it was these alien creatures who
had come down to Earth. On the outside, they had
regular human skin. Okay, they looked like in human talk
like and human you know, in many ways, acted like humans.
But underneath they had these these sclly look like reptilian
scales and things, and they ate mice and all this
kind of stuff. Okay, they would called a V for visitors.
This is how the narcissist acts. They would emulate, imitate,
and act as they what society deems as civil, but underneath,
underneath it all, they're alien, reptilian creatures. All right, we
are going to take a quick break and we'll be
back in just a moment. Whom m.
Speaker 3: I wasn't look and I was here and learning how
to breathe again, you showed.
Speaker 4: Up, But I can answer, not a rush, but Heaven's
planning every nor that broke me, Jones, let me right
to this shouse now and see every day was just
gonna preparing the way. And we went to pray for
love that last he gave me something that.
Speaker 1: We crawl through the past.
Speaker 4: We are men to be God's time, not too early
not to play go on names on safe.
Speaker 3: Now every hearty says you pray we're misa be in
his mercy to be loved, the chance we see love
that he desired you and me man to be. I
used to push all the waiting.
Speaker 4: I think him for the space. If we met before
a season, we'd have.
Speaker 1: Missed this kind of man.
Speaker 3: Now we laugh through the songs pray were nice gong and.
Speaker 4: Every morning day reminds his.
Speaker 1: Plan was right.
Speaker 3: Cheat everything, let me closer to ideas just as saving
me for nothing last few minutes, I signed not so early,
not a name, all her names on the same every
tidy says your.
Speaker 4: Friends, ncy nobody, lood chance.
Speaker 1: We see by the back he designed name to.
Speaker 5: That sod.
Speaker 1: He owe her names on the same page.
Speaker 3: In his pursy, no boy, look a chance basic, but
by love that he designed you a moment to me.
Speaker 2: She wid a hole.
Speaker 1: Was your pulsing friend?
Speaker 5: They going.
Speaker 1: Gossa and this is been to be God's timing. I
don't know who sings that, but it's a beautiful song,
a beautiful Christian love song.
Speaker 2: All right.
Speaker 1: All right. So another thing that when you talk about
stage three, it's the devaluation. The devaluation. Now, one thing
narcissists are very good. It is devaluating you, or in
other words, invalidation of you. That means they put you down.
They they have constant criticism, They try to punish you,
they give you the silent treatment. This is when you
experience the rejection and narcissistic grade and narcissist. You know,
you have to remember when a narcissist is emotionally immature.
This means that you have this three year old in
an adult body. All right, So the love bombing. When
we talk about that love bombing phase, it aims to
give to get your trust all right, to learn what
your fears are, your insecurities. This is why I say
you have to very much watch what you say when
you're first getting to know someone, especially you know, if
you're getting to date, getting to date them or whatever
case may be, be very careful with giving them your
weaknesses and all this because this is something that they
will use against you later, or their use it to
get all the information they can about you so then
later on they can use it against you. It's amazing
how narcissists people think, oh, well, these people are really
loving and they're friendly and all that, and then they
just don't have any idea who they just told all
their information too, because behind the scenes the person is
a narcissist and what you give them they will use
against you later. So this devaluation stage, you know, you
think that, oh well, they're loving, but then you find
out that you've given them too much information because they
will use it in a vote. They put everything you
tell them in a vote just so they can pull
it out later to use it against you. And this
is why it is so you know, it gives you
this whiplash because you were like, Okay, this person was attentive,
this person was charromatic, A charism I'm sorry, charismatic, charismatic,
I'm sorry, charismatic. This person was you know, energetic. But
at the same time, they wind up, they wind up
showing you later on that that's not who they really are,
and so it has you go into what's called cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance that means that you a you are of
two opposing thoughts at the same time. Well, let me
give you an example. Well, the sky is blue, but
it's black, or the water is clear, but it also
has oil, so you have a you have two different
opinions of the same thing. So you know that they've
just mistreated you. You know that they've lied to you,
you know that they behavior changed. But what you do
is you are making an excuse. Oh well, uh, it's
because of their background. Oh it's because they have had
a bad day. Oh well, you know, everyone has problems.
You try to justify the abuse. So you have cognitive dissonance.
You know that you're being mistreated, you know that you're
being done wrong. You know that that this person is
not giving you what you need. But then you justify it, Okay,
well it's because of this, and it's because of that,
and I'm gonna believe them and try to hold on
the hope for them and all that. And then so
therefore you have this cognitive dissonance when you really know
you should get out of this relationship, but then you
stand because oh, well, they had a bad childhood. Well
let me just say what I said on the last podcasts.
Just because somebody had it rough doesn't mean they have
to treat you rough. Just because somebody was abused when
they were a child doesn't mean that you have to
take the abuse you. You do not have to suffer
for someone else's what was what was done to somebody else.
So basically, what I am saying here is you have
to put your emotional health first of the times. And
I'm gonna use women that are in abusive physical, abusive relationships,
they go back into the relationship because they feel sorry
for their abuser. Oh well he will he has a
hard life. Oh his father was in jail. Oh well,
he got fired from his job. Let me just say this,
There's always gonna be a situation that can lead to
a situation. Yet you have choices. Everyone has choices. If
you were use as a child, doesn't mean you're gonna
abuse someone else. You have a choice. You have a
choice to change, You have a choice to do better.
You have a choice to say, you know what, I
am not gonna repeat the cycle. And yet many do.
And so when you're in this devaluation stage you sometimes
they will do put downs by doing jokes at your expense.
They will be they would use kind words to really
disguise their MENI what let me see, let me think
of word. Let me think of a kind word that
somebody will use. But it's actually not as kind as
it come out to be. Okay, so uh, someone may
let me see here, what example could I use? Okay,
someone may bring you some some kind of dish and
it doesn't taste that well. And then you would say response, oh,
bless your heart. Now, bless your heart could be a
good thing. Will oh you know you're wishing blessings to
that person or but oftentimes people use oh, bless your
heart or whatever. It could be a uh sarcastic or
not so much kind even though it sounds kind, but
then it's not. It has an ulterior alternative meaning to it.
Should I say so, You have to be very careful
when you when you are thinking that this narcissist is
really on your side, you will experience gas lightning. As
we talked about before rejection. They project or blame others
or blame you for what they have done. They will
lie and manipulate you. They respect others, okay, they will.
You experience this narcissistic rage from them. Okay, this it's
all part of the devaluation stage. Do not get your
self esteem from a narcissist. If you do, you won't
have any. If you're waiting for the narcissists to praise you,
love you, value you, uplift you. They may do it
during the initial stage of that honeymoon stage when they're
trying to get you lured into their tramp. But believe me,
when you're in this cycle, it's gonna go back around.
And what we talk about cycles. When we're talking about cycles,
we're talking about things that repeat, things that repeat. So
when you're dealing with the narcissists, they'll tell you that
it didn't happen. They'll tell you that it wasn't their fault.
They'll tell you that they didn't it didn't mean anything.
They'll tell you that you deserved it, and if I
did do they will never take responsibility okay. And again
there's always an exception if they truly submit themself else
to God, but most many of them will not.
Speaker 2: So.
Speaker 1: In other words, they want you to be voiding empty.
They want you to live up to their unrealistic expectations,
and if you fail to do so, then they will
punish you. Okay. That means that they want you to
obey everything that they tell you to do, with the
exception of them coming through on what they should do.
They will pick a fight with you and blame you
for it. They would even run a smear campaign. When
we talking about smear campaign, you talking about them going
on telling everybody how such a horrible person you are,
when in actuality people do not know what they are
doing behind the scenes. They will publicly humiliate you, all right.
Another thing is they would ghost you, ignore you, or
just totally walk out of your life. And you're wondering, well,
how do I pick up the pieces because I had
no closure? All right? Another thing is they will become aggressive,
whether it's mentally, emotionally verbally or physically. Be careful of
this because it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good.
But the thing is is when you know what you're
dealing with, then you can be best prepared for what
you can expect next out of that relationship. Number four
discard or hoover. They will discard you or cut you
out of their life and or hoover you back into
So once you move on, guess what they're gonna try
to do. They're gonna try to get you back because
the narcissist does not want to lose you, not because
they love you, but because they want to do the
discard thing. They want to be the one that's able
to discard you. For example, you can have a disagreement
with someone. Okay, you on the telephone, have a disagreement
with someone, and they will threaten you you bet not
hang up on me, and then they wind up hanging
up on you. Okay. That's textbook narcissistic, textbook narcissistic. Okay.
They want to be in control. They want to be
the one that discards you. They have no empathy. They
do not have compassion. They imitate compassion, they imitate empathy,
but they truly really do not have it. And when
they show some empathy or compassion, it's only for them
to look good. They want to look good. It's not
about you, it's about them. They want to look good
when they do the gift giving and love bombing, Oh
it's for you, the oh thank you and praise them,
or whatever case may be, because that boost is that
gives them that narcissistic supply. When actuality they don't even
have any empathy for anyone. So again, remember how they
operate when they get ready to discard you, when it
comes to this hoovering, they will squeeze the supply out
of you. Okay, So basically you're giving all you can
in this relationship only for them to discard you later
and therefore the narcissistic cycle starts all over again. Be
careful not to trauma bond trauma bond with this individual.
When we talk about trauma bond, and we're gonna go
into more in depth with that on a later podcast. Basically,
you have found a connection with this narcissist, is that oh,
well I must help them, I must save them. Is
they only treat me like this because of their own
past experiences, So you start empathizing with their treatment of
you based upon their backstory. So for example, a woman
will stay in a relationship because she has trauma bonded
with her abuser. So she has said, oh, well, because
his mother used to beat him, then that's why he
treats me this way, and so if I leave him,
then he's not gonna have anyone. You have trauma bonded
with your abuser. Okay, you have trauma bonded with your abuser.
This is something that is not healthy. They they will
make you feel as if you're obligated to them. They
will offer fake promises, they will buy gifts. They play
the victim. They're very good in playing the victim. Now
they have they people do not see all the abuse
they have with you, they have done to you. And
when you finally, when you finally build up that state
where you pop, okay, then they will attack you. Oh
look at you, Look at you, that's why I But
you have been holding your peace, you have been not
saying anything. You have been going along to get along.
And then when you have had enough, then they played
the victim. They will trigger you through other people. Okay,
So they use their flying monkeys to trigger you, they
will start love bombing you again. This is that repeat cycle. Okay,
they will act things that be going well, and this
is what is so confusing for many people. They will
when you talk about narcissists, they will. For a while,
everything could be going great. Okay, everything could be going great.
You're thinking, oh, you know, we got the worst behind
us and everything, and then all of a sudden, bam,
you get into this vehicular accident okay, collision head on,
and you're wondering, what in the world just happened. It's
because it's a cycle. It's a cycle of abuse. And
when while you're in that honeymoon stage of the abuse,
you're thinking that everything's fine, that everything's good, that everything
is going to be just all right, and then they
come out of the bag on you again, and it's
a cycle. Sometimes a cycle can last a day, it's
gonna last a week, it gonna last a month, it
can last a few months, it gonna last a year,
and then it's guarantee that if they have not gotten
the help that they need, that you're gonna go through
the abuse again. And then you're thrown off the horse
because you thought that everything was good and gravy, and
then it happens again, and then you find yourself sitting
down looking like what in the world just happened? And
this is what you have to remember, is that when
an abuser doesn't get help, okay, when they don't get help,
you're going through a cycle again. So expect it to
happen again until they get their help that they need. Now, oftentimes,
when you're dealing with a narcissists, they will not gonna
get the help that they need. So therefore you're the
one that have to wind up in therapy and talking
to someone. And that's okay, because you need to make
sure that you are emotionally equipped to heal from the abuse.
And oftentimes the healing happens when you are outside of
that abusive relationship because as we as we tend to say,
you know, if you keep picking at a sword, it's
gonna keep it's never gonna heal, okay. And so when
you're dealing with the abuse and it keeps happening, happening, happening,
then as long as you stay in that situation, you're
not able to heal. But we know that, as with sores,
it has to scalp over Okay, it has to take time,
it has to allow it to heal, and therefore, if
you don't have someone keep picking at it, then it
can heal. And one thing that is important about healing
is also forgiveness. Forgiveness we're gonna talk about that in
the upcoming podcast as well, because while we're understanding about
abuse and narcissistic situations, we also have to understand how
to forgive first yourself and then the person that did
it to you. All right, we are Boudy here at present.
Today's podcast has been a blessing to you and that
you would know that your feelings do matter because guess
what they absolutely do. Until next times.
Speaker 2: Toasts.
Speaker 5: Of fursts
Speaker 4: Into