Speaker 1: Where limits get torched and possibility takes the mic. I'm
Speaker 1: lea rowing human in permanent beta neurostrategist, mom to three
Speaker 1: amazing humans, married to one legendary soul, and your no
Speaker 1: fluff permission slate to stop waiting. Every week we rewire
Speaker 1: brain patterns, smash hand me down mindsets, and dive into
Speaker 1: the daring identity shifting conversations most people gosh ready to
Speaker 1: turn potential into proof. Grab your pen. Your next chapter
Speaker 1: starts now. Hello, my friends, welcome, Welcome back to the
Speaker 1: Becoming You Show. I am your host, Lea Rolling and
Speaker 1: I am so grateful that you're here. We are halfway
Speaker 1: through this series. This is episode three of four. So
Speaker 1: I want to thank you. I want to thank you
Speaker 1: for being here. I want you to think to thank
Speaker 1: you for staying with the work, and thank you for
Speaker 1: being the kind of human right who is willing to
Speaker 1: keep looking inward right when most of the world is
Speaker 1: looking outward and wondering why nothing changes. So that's the leadership.
Speaker 1: The leadership of looking, The leadership of being willing to see,
Speaker 1: to own, to be, and hold responsibility and governance for
Speaker 1: themselves is the rarest I think leadership. There is, and
Speaker 1: so you're here practicing it, so thank you. I want
Speaker 1: to start today with a question. I want to start
Speaker 1: today with a question. So when you take a breath,
Speaker 1: and I want you to ask yourself honestly and participate. Participate, please,
Speaker 1: because I think if you follow with me and answer
Speaker 1: this question for yourself, this will be a way more
Speaker 1: impactful conversation than just hearing me talk about my words
Speaker 1: and my experiences. So I want you to ask yourself,
Speaker 1: what am I tired of? Right? Not in a complaining way,
Speaker 1: but in a noticing way. Okay, what relationship in my
Speaker 1: life am I tired of that keeps maybe coming up empty?
Speaker 1: What am I maybe tired of waiting for? What am
Speaker 1: I tired of needing from other people to be, to do,
Speaker 1: to say? Differently? What am I tired of trying to
Speaker 1: get from someone who is not giving to me what
Speaker 1: I want? Okay? It might be be your partner, might
Speaker 1: be your parent. It might be a friend or a boss,
Speaker 1: or a sibling or a kid, or might be the
Speaker 1: members on your team. Right. It might be someone who
Speaker 1: you've lost and has passed away. It might be someone
Speaker 1: that you haven't talked to in years, but who is
Speaker 1: still living in your head rent free. So what am
Speaker 1: I tired of waiting for? And I want you to
Speaker 1: hold that with me, because here's what I have come
Speaker 1: to know in my work and what we are going
Speaker 1: to name in this episode. Okay, you are not exhausted
Speaker 1: because of your relationships. You are exhausted because you, most likely,
Speaker 1: as have I, outsourced more of our emotional life than
Speaker 1: we have realized. Right, meaning your approval, your assurance, your closure,
Speaker 1: your worth, your own level of enoughness and value. Right.
Speaker 1: You have been asking and waiting for other people to
Speaker 1: give that to you, people right who in many cases
Speaker 1: cannot give that to you, no matter how badly you
Speaker 1: would want them to, or no badly, or no matter
Speaker 1: how badly they want to. Right, people who in some
Speaker 1: cases do not even know that that is what's being
Speaker 1: asked of them. And then there are people in other
Speaker 1: cases that are just completely entirely wrong for the job
Speaker 1: in hand. Okay, all of that I call outsourcing, and
Speaker 1: that is what we're going to be talking about today,
Speaker 1: and it is the most expensive habit in your relational life.
Speaker 1: So let me let me name what outsourcing actually means
Speaker 1: in kind of a relational context, outsourcing is when you, okay,
Speaker 1: have located a part of you for emotional life inside
Speaker 1: another person, and now they are the source, right, the
Speaker 1: source of your sense of being enough, the source of
Speaker 1: your sense of being chosen, the source of your sense
Speaker 1: of you being good at what you do, the source
Speaker 1: of your sense of your own mattering, the source of
Speaker 1: your sense of being loved, right, the source of your peace? Okay,
Speaker 1: when the source is outside of you? Right, you have outsourced.
Speaker 1: So I want to be careful here because connection matters.
Speaker 1: And I get a lot of pushback on this, Okay.
Speaker 1: Being known matters, being affirmed by people you love matters,
Speaker 1: Feeling appreciated matters, being told that you're doing a good
Speaker 1: job matters. Okay, None of that, my friends, is in question.
Speaker 1: The question is what is your source? Right? What is
Speaker 1: the place that you go to to fuel up right?
Speaker 1: What is the place that you go to to continue
Speaker 1: to fuel up right? And if the answer is another
Speaker 1: human and I coach a lot around this, and a
Speaker 1: lot of times it is, and especially if it is
Speaker 1: one specific human as I mentioned earlier, whose capacity you
Speaker 1: cannot control, and even if they tried, it would still
Speaker 1: be insufficient. You have outsourced your sourcing and outsourcing has
Speaker 1: a cost, and the cost is what we brought forward
Speaker 1: in that first question is exhaustion. What are you tired of?
Speaker 1: Because when you outsource the source of your own value,
Speaker 1: your own mattering, your own love, your own likability. When
Speaker 1: you when you outsource that, it's tiring. That's cost one.
Speaker 1: Cost two dependency.
Speaker 2: Because their availability, their their their accessibility, their willingness to.
Speaker 1: Meet you with whatever it is that you need to
Speaker 1: fill up on, whether that's love, whether that's assurance, whether
Speaker 1: that's appreciation, whether that's whether that's praise, whatever that is
Speaker 1: determines your emotional state. We do this all the time.
Speaker 1: If they would just do this, if they would just
Speaker 1: say this, we would feel better. And that's just not
Speaker 1: how this work works. Okay, that requires dependency on another
Speaker 1: person doing or setting or something so that you can
Speaker 1: feel better. That is the essence of delegating your emotional
Speaker 1: well being to somebody else. The cost is also bitterness
Speaker 1: because they keep failing and will continue to fail to
Speaker 1: deliver something that you keep requesting, that you keep expecting,
Speaker 1: that you keep wishing for, and over time that unmet request,
Speaker 1: that unmet expectation turns into resentment. Okay, so now we're exhausted,
Speaker 1: we're better, we're dependent, and we're paralyzed. The cost is paralysis,
Speaker 1: because you cannot move forward right into will they say
Speaker 1: the thing, do the thing, give the apology, see what
Speaker 1: they did, appreciate you, validate you, honor you affirm you.
Speaker 1: Paralysis you just avoid, you avoid moving forward in your
Speaker 1: own life, and you wait desperately for permission to do
Speaker 1: something different with it. It's also performance, right, Gosh, do
Speaker 1: I know this one well? Because if you're worth, if
Speaker 1: your lovability, if your enoughness, if your own mattering, if
Speaker 1: your own sense of accomplishment is all wrapped up and outsourced,
Speaker 1: you are going to bend to keep getting the fuel,
Speaker 1: to keep getting the supply. You are bet you will bend.
Speaker 1: You will accommodate, you will placate, you will pretend, you
Speaker 1: will please, you will perform in order to ensure that
Speaker 1: next level of love, that next love, that any sort
Speaker 1: of assurance of your own awesomeness, If it comes from
Speaker 1: somebody else, we are screwed. And the one cost that
Speaker 1: hurts the most is that you start to believe right
Speaker 1: that this this this well, this fuel source that isn't
Speaker 1: able to meet you and to meet the demands of you. Ever,
Speaker 1: is a verdict on you, is a verdict on you,
Speaker 1: and you will have lots of proof. Right, They're not
Speaker 1: giving me this because I'm not worthy of it. This
Speaker 1: is not happening. They're not apologizing because maybe maybe I'm
Speaker 1: the one that maybe I'm the one that was in
Speaker 1: air here. And then you start second guessing, and you
Speaker 1: start doubting your own level of enoughness, of worthiness of love,
Speaker 1: and then you will double down on trying to get
Speaker 1: it from the places that it was never available for
Speaker 1: you to get. And so today we're going to talk
Speaker 1: about two. There's many, but two of the very specific
Speaker 1: patterns that I see most often in this outsourcing context.
Speaker 1: And by the end of this conversation, my hope is
Speaker 1: that you will be able to spot exactly right where
Speaker 1: you have been doing this. Right when I asked you,
Speaker 1: where are you tired in? What relationship are you outsourcing? This?
Speaker 1: Is this? You'll find yourself in one of these patterns,
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure, and so you'll have the awareness to
Speaker 1: see it and exactly how to take it back. So
Speaker 1: the first pattern is what I'm going to call outsourced assurance. Okay,
Speaker 1: outsourced assurance sounds like this. I'll feel okay about myself
Speaker 1: when they tell me that I'm doing a good job
Speaker 1: when they'll when they tell me right that, or I'll
Speaker 1: feel like I'm enough when they say I'm enough. I'll
Speaker 1: know that I'm a good mom when my kids tell
Speaker 1: me that I am. I'll know that I'm a good
Speaker 1: wife when my husband says that I am. I'll feel
Speaker 1: chosen when when they picked me, when they sign up
Speaker 1: for me, when they when they say yes to my proposal.
Speaker 1: I'll feel valuable when they give me the title, or
Speaker 1: they give me the raise, or the acknowledgment or the role. Okay,
Speaker 1: out sourced assurance is not love. It's a job interview, right,
Speaker 1: a job interview that you have been on for tens
Speaker 1: and tens of maybe not decades, that no one was
Speaker 1: hiring for. And I want you to feel that because
Speaker 1: some of you have been auditioning, interviewing for a role
Speaker 1: inside someone else's life, for a place, for a thought,
Speaker 1: for a belief, for a feeling that was somebody else's entirely,
Speaker 1: and you were hoping that the audition or the interview
Speaker 1: would end with the with your own self assurance that
Speaker 1: you are enough and that audition has been the entire relationship,
Speaker 1: or at least a good portion of it. And that
Speaker 1: is not connection that as I mentioned earlier, the cost
Speaker 1: that is performance. And no one can love you while
Speaker 1: you are performing for them, right, I want you to
Speaker 1: really think about that. They're not loving the real version
Speaker 1: of you. They're loving the version of you that performs
Speaker 1: for their accolades, for their assurances, for their acceptance. Because
Speaker 1: if they accept you, then you now have permission to
Speaker 1: possibly accept yourself. And how has that been going for
Speaker 1: most of my clients? And I know for me it
Speaker 1: didn't go well. It just gave me more doubt and
Speaker 1: more hopelessness that I would never be who I wanted
Speaker 1: to be because there's no amount of assurance that anybody
Speaker 1: can give me it's going to make me feel self assured.
Speaker 1: That assurance needs to be insourced, not outsourced. So here's
Speaker 1: what assurance actually is. It's insourced. It's something that you
Speaker 1: give yourself out loud, on purpose, in writing if needed.
Speaker 3: You get to decide what is true about you. You
Speaker 3: get to decide whether you're doing your best. You get
Speaker 3: to decide that you.
Speaker 1: Are a good parent, partner, friend, human, employee, employer. You
Speaker 1: get to decide that you are enough. You get to
Speaker 1: decide that you are loved. You do not audition for it,
Speaker 1: you do not interview for it. And here is the
Speaker 1: part that is really hard to hear. The people that
Speaker 1: you most want assurances from are usually the people that
Speaker 1: are least capable of giving it. Not because they do
Speaker 1: not love you, not because they do not care, but
Speaker 1: because their capacity is what it is. Right. The parent
Speaker 1: that could never tell you that they were proud, they
Speaker 1: can't even now. That has nothing to do with you.
Speaker 1: It has everything to do with their capacity. The partner
Speaker 1: who cannot say the affirming thing, that cannot choose to
Speaker 1: behave in a way that you want them to behave.
Speaker 1: They cannot love you in the way that you want
Speaker 1: to be loved. That has nothing to do with your
Speaker 1: own love ability. It has to do with the capacity,
Speaker 1: and they can't. It's the boss who cannot acknowledge what
Speaker 1: you bring. They cannot acknowledge with any level of enthusiasm
Speaker 1: or appreciation. Not because you don't deserve it, they don't
Speaker 1: have the capacity to give it. Right, some people are
Speaker 1: working with the capacity that they have. Scratch that most people,
Speaker 1: all people are right, and their capacity is a statement
Speaker 1: about them, it's not a verdict about you. And you
Speaker 1: can keep going back to that empty well, you can
Speaker 1: keep going back to the fuel that actually won't source anything,
Speaker 1: and you can get mad at it for not working.
Speaker 1: You can't get mad at it for being empty. Or
Speaker 1: you can dig your own will, or you can source
Speaker 1: your own fuel, and you can do that. So I
Speaker 1: want to share something personal. Right. I spent years and
Speaker 1: years and years waiting on a specific kind of acknowledgment
Speaker 1: from a specific person in my life, and I would
Speaker 1: track when it did not come, and I would feel
Speaker 1: hurt when it did not come, and I would say
Speaker 1: to myself, I just need to hear it. I just
Speaker 1: need to hear it once. And then one day I
Speaker 1: sat down and I wrote down exactly what I wanted
Speaker 1: them to say. And I'm going to invite you to
Speaker 1: do the same exercise. If you are waiting for someone
Speaker 1: to say something, if you're waiting for somebody to do
Speaker 1: something right, I want you to write down what they
Speaker 1: would say. I want you to write down what they
Speaker 1: would do, and thereby what you would make it mean
Speaker 1: that they did what they did. And then I want
Speaker 1: you to read the words back to you. And what
Speaker 1: hit me was I had been waiting on someone else
Speaker 1: to give me a sentence that I had been refusing
Speaker 1: to give myself, and that was I was worthy enough,
Speaker 1: I was lovable enough. And the moment that I gave
Speaker 1: it to myself meant it all the way down, said
Speaker 1: it with my full whole chest. The waiting stopped, the
Speaker 1: outsourcing stopped, the resentment around the person literally started to dissolve.
Speaker 1: And it wasn't because they ever said the sentence. It's
Speaker 1: not ever going to be because they did what you
Speaker 1: want them to do or they said what they wanted
Speaker 1: them to say. Do you know what? What what happens
Speaker 1: you stop needing them to, You stop needing them to.
Speaker 1: And that's the exercise that I want you guys to
Speaker 1: do this week. Right, I want you to write down
Speaker 1: the sentence that you have been waiting on someone to
Speaker 1: say to you, and then I want you to ask
Speaker 1: can I say it to myself? Can I mean it?
Speaker 1: Most of you can? You just haven't, Okay. So that's
Speaker 1: that's the first pattern. The second powder is what I'm
Speaker 1: going to call outsourced closure. Right. The first one was assurance.
Speaker 1: This is closure. So this is this, this looks like
Speaker 1: when they apologize, I'll move on when they finally see
Speaker 1: what they did to me. I will release it when
Speaker 1: the they say sorry the right way. We've got all
Speaker 1: sorts of conditions on the apologies. Right. Some people want
Speaker 1: apologies that have agreements behind it, meaning I'm sorry and
Speaker 1: this is what I will do moving forward. Some people
Speaker 1: just want I'm sorry with a period. We got all
Speaker 1: these conditions on the way that the apology is received,
Speaker 1: right if the closure also comes from if we could
Speaker 1: just have one more conversation, I could let it go.
Speaker 1: I coach a lot of people on grief on this one.
Speaker 1: Just one more day, just one more hour, just one
Speaker 1: more conversation. If I only would have had that, then
Speaker 1: I would be able to let it go. Once they
Speaker 1: admit what they did, once they take ownership for the
Speaker 1: way they made me feel. Right, listen to this, I
Speaker 1: will be okay. You are waiting for someone else to
Speaker 1: unlock a door that has been opened to you the
Speaker 1: whole time. They don't have the key you do. Closure
Speaker 1: is not something they give you. Closure is something that
Speaker 1: you decide right now. It is a choice that you
Speaker 1: can decide right. It is the moment that you say
Speaker 1: I'm no longer keeping this file open on them. I
Speaker 1: am no longer renting space in my head to a
Speaker 1: conversation that may or may not ever happen. I no
Speaker 1: longer am waiting on an apology that they may not
Speaker 1: be capable of giving. May that they might not see
Speaker 1: that it is owed, and they most likely may not
Speaker 1: remember what was needed. I'm closing this loop because I
Speaker 1: am the only one who can. This is not forgiveness.
Speaker 1: This is absolution. This is not pretending that it didn't happen.
Speaker 1: This is this is not minimizing what occurred. This is
Speaker 1: just refusing to organize your press life around an unfinished
Speaker 1: conversation from your past period. Period. You can grieve and
Speaker 1: still close the loop. You can be angry and still
Speaker 1: close the loop. You can have boundaries and still close
Speaker 1: the loop. You can be done with this person and
Speaker 1: still close the loop. Closing the loop is not about them.
Speaker 1: It's about you. It's about reclaiming and resourcing.
Speaker 2: You.
Speaker 1: And so I want to bring this back to loveability,
Speaker 1: just for a moment, because I think it all ties together.
Speaker 1: We outsource assurance and closure, because somewhere along the way,
Speaker 1: we forgot or we're never told that We're one hundred
Speaker 1: percent levable, one hundred percent worthy, and it is our birthright.
Speaker 1: And I know I've been bringing this forward a lot
Speaker 1: on these conversations, and that's because at some point in time,
Speaker 1: you just get to decide. And if you knew all
Speaker 1: the way down, you would not need someone else to
Speaker 1: verify it. So if you still do the work, the
Speaker 1: practice is on the commitment, the demarcation line, your own
Speaker 1: reliance on yourself to practice not being unworthy. Right, So
Speaker 1: if you knew it all the way down, you would
Speaker 1: not interpret somebody's silence as an answer. You would not
Speaker 1: read their behaviors as you're worth. You would say they
Speaker 1: are working with their capacity, and I am working with mine,
Speaker 1: and the verdict on me is already in. I am loved,
Speaker 1: I am worthy, I am enough. That is, that is
Speaker 1: not an affirmation. That is that is a level of
Speaker 1: sovereignty that I welcome everyone in this conversation and every
Speaker 1: human in the world to understand. Right, when you stop
Speaker 1: outsourcing your worth, the relationships often often like ninety nine
Speaker 1: percent of the time, get better because you stop arriving
Speaker 1: with an empty cup demanding to be filled. You start
Speaker 1: arriving with your cup already fill, already full, available for connection,
Speaker 1: without the audit, without the manual, without the expectation that
Speaker 1: they should be different. Right, people can feel the difference,
Speaker 1: even if they cannot name it. Even if you can't
Speaker 1: name it, they feel the difference. Right. So as we close,
Speaker 1: you are the CEO of your own life. Right, the
Speaker 1: CEO needs to decide. The CEO does not wait for
Speaker 1: the board to validate every move. The CEO does not
Speaker 1: need permission. The CEO does not outsource the call. The
Speaker 1: CEO does not wait for the closure. Right, the CEO
Speaker 1: gives the assurance. The CEO is the one who knows.
Speaker 1: When you outsource, you have demoted yourself. You have made
Speaker 1: someone else the CEO of your life, and then you're
Speaker 1: mad at them for not running your life the way
Speaker 1: that you would have if you had kept the seat.
Speaker 1: This work is to take your seat back. You are
Speaker 1: the CEO. You consult, you decide, you close, you assure,
Speaker 1: you are sure. Okay, So who are you waiting on
Speaker 1: for assurance and who are you waiting for for closure?
Speaker 1: Understanding this is imperative for you to take back full
Speaker 1: governance and full ownership of your life. So next week
Speaker 1: we're going to wrap the series up with boundaries, what
Speaker 1: they are, what you've been calling them, what they're not,
Speaker 1: And it might be the hardest episode of the entire series,
Speaker 1: but also the most free. So, my beautiful friends, have
Speaker 1: an amazing, amazing day. Take this conversation, integrate it, do
Speaker 1: the work. Don't just listen, don't just hit stop. Don't
Speaker 1: tell me you're gonna do it later. Sit with it now.
Speaker 1: You've got five minutes to sit with it. So much
Speaker 1: is gonna come up for you when you sit with
Speaker 1: these questions and you get serious about them. Right. Relationships
Speaker 1: are serious business. I will and your worth of serious business.
Speaker 1: Take it seriously until next time, Take care, Bye bye.
Speaker 1: If this episode cracked something open good, let it and
Speaker 1: then head to leahrollincoaching dot com and grab the tools
Speaker 1: to rewire the story and replay your future. It is yours,
Speaker 1: And then share this with someone who's still waiting to
Speaker 1: be chosen, still waiting for permission, and remind them they
Speaker 1: don't need a breakthrough, that they are the breakthrough. Until
Speaker 1: next time, My beautiful friends, invest in you and keep
Speaker 1: becoming