WEBVTT

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<v Speaker 1>Where limits get torched and possibility takes the mic. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>lea rowing human in permanent beta neurostrategist, mom to three

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<v Speaker 1>amazing humans, married to one legendary soul, and your no

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<v Speaker 1>fluff permission slate to stop waiting. Every week we rewire

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<v Speaker 1>brain patterns, smash hand me down mindsets, and dive into

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<v Speaker 1>the daring identity shifting conversations most people gosh ready to

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<v Speaker 1>turn potential into proof. Grab your pen. Your next chapter

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<v Speaker 1>starts now. Hello, my friends, welcome, Welcome back to the

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<v Speaker 1>Becoming You Show. I am your host, Lea Rolling and

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<v Speaker 1>I am so grateful that you're here. We are halfway

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<v Speaker 1>through this series. This is episode three of four. So

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<v Speaker 1>I want to thank you. I want to thank you

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<v Speaker 1>for being here. I want you to think to thank

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<v Speaker 1>you for staying with the work, and thank you for

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<v Speaker 1>being the kind of human right who is willing to

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<v Speaker 1>keep looking inward right when most of the world is

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<v Speaker 1>looking outward and wondering why nothing changes. So that's the leadership.

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<v Speaker 1>The leadership of looking, The leadership of being willing to see,

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<v Speaker 1>to own, to be, and hold responsibility and governance for

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<v Speaker 1>themselves is the rarest I think leadership. There is, and

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<v Speaker 1>so you're here practicing it, so thank you. I want

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<v Speaker 1>to start today with a question. I want to start

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<v Speaker 1>today with a question. So when you take a breath,

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<v Speaker 1>and I want you to ask yourself honestly and participate. Participate, please,

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<v Speaker 1>because I think if you follow with me and answer

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<v Speaker 1>this question for yourself, this will be a way more

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<v Speaker 1>impactful conversation than just hearing me talk about my words

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<v Speaker 1>and my experiences. So I want you to ask yourself,

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<v Speaker 1>what am I tired of? Right? Not in a complaining way,

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<v Speaker 1>but in a noticing way. Okay, what relationship in my

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<v Speaker 1>life am I tired of that keeps maybe coming up empty?

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<v Speaker 1>What am I maybe tired of waiting for? What am

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<v Speaker 1>I tired of needing from other people to be, to do,

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<v Speaker 1>to say? Differently? What am I tired of trying to

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<v Speaker 1>get from someone who is not giving to me what

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<v Speaker 1>I want? Okay? It might be be your partner, might

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<v Speaker 1>be your parent. It might be a friend or a boss,

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<v Speaker 1>or a sibling or a kid, or might be the

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<v Speaker 1>members on your team. Right. It might be someone who

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<v Speaker 1>you've lost and has passed away. It might be someone

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<v Speaker 1>that you haven't talked to in years, but who is

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<v Speaker 1>still living in your head rent free. So what am

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<v Speaker 1>I tired of waiting for? And I want you to

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<v Speaker 1>hold that with me, because here's what I have come

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<v Speaker 1>to know in my work and what we are going

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<v Speaker 1>to name in this episode. Okay, you are not exhausted

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<v Speaker 1>because of your relationships. You are exhausted because you, most likely,

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<v Speaker 1>as have I, outsourced more of our emotional life than

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<v Speaker 1>we have realized. Right, meaning your approval, your assurance, your closure,

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<v Speaker 1>your worth, your own level of enoughness and value. Right.

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<v Speaker 1>You have been asking and waiting for other people to

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<v Speaker 1>give that to you, people right who in many cases

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<v Speaker 1>cannot give that to you, no matter how badly you

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<v Speaker 1>would want them to, or no badly, or no matter

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<v Speaker 1>how badly they want to. Right, people who in some

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<v Speaker 1>cases do not even know that that is what's being

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<v Speaker 1>asked of them. And then there are people in other

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<v Speaker 1>cases that are just completely entirely wrong for the job

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<v Speaker 1>in hand. Okay, all of that I call outsourcing, and

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<v Speaker 1>that is what we're going to be talking about today,

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<v Speaker 1>and it is the most expensive habit in your relational life.

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<v Speaker 1>So let me let me name what outsourcing actually means

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<v Speaker 1>in kind of a relational context, outsourcing is when you, okay,

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<v Speaker 1>have located a part of you for emotional life inside

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<v Speaker 1>another person, and now they are the source, right, the

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<v Speaker 1>source of your sense of being enough, the source of

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<v Speaker 1>your sense of being chosen, the source of your sense

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<v Speaker 1>of you being good at what you do, the source

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<v Speaker 1>of your sense of your own mattering, the source of

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<v Speaker 1>your sense of being loved, right, the source of your peace? Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>when the source is outside of you? Right, you have outsourced.

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<v Speaker 1>So I want to be careful here because connection matters.

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<v Speaker 1>And I get a lot of pushback on this, Okay.

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<v Speaker 1>Being known matters, being affirmed by people you love matters,

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<v Speaker 1>Feeling appreciated matters, being told that you're doing a good

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<v Speaker 1>job matters. Okay, None of that, my friends, is in question.

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<v Speaker 1>The question is what is your source? Right? What is

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<v Speaker 1>the place that you go to to fuel up right?

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<v Speaker 1>What is the place that you go to to continue

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<v Speaker 1>to fuel up right? And if the answer is another

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<v Speaker 1>human and I coach a lot around this, and a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of times it is, and especially if it is

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<v Speaker 1>one specific human as I mentioned earlier, whose capacity you

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<v Speaker 1>cannot control, and even if they tried, it would still

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<v Speaker 1>be insufficient. You have outsourced your sourcing and outsourcing has

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<v Speaker 1>a cost, and the cost is what we brought forward

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<v Speaker 1>in that first question is exhaustion. What are you tired of?

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<v Speaker 1>Because when you outsource the source of your own value,

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<v Speaker 1>your own mattering, your own love, your own likability. When

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<v Speaker 1>you when you outsource that, it's tiring. That's cost one.

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<v Speaker 1>Cost two dependency.

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<v Speaker 2>Because their availability, their their their accessibility, their willingness to.

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<v Speaker 1>Meet you with whatever it is that you need to

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<v Speaker 1>fill up on, whether that's love, whether that's assurance, whether

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<v Speaker 1>that's appreciation, whether that's whether that's praise, whatever that is

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<v Speaker 1>determines your emotional state. We do this all the time.

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<v Speaker 1>If they would just do this, if they would just

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<v Speaker 1>say this, we would feel better. And that's just not

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<v Speaker 1>how this work works. Okay, that requires dependency on another

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<v Speaker 1>person doing or setting or something so that you can

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<v Speaker 1>feel better. That is the essence of delegating your emotional

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<v Speaker 1>well being to somebody else. The cost is also bitterness

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<v Speaker 1>because they keep failing and will continue to fail to

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<v Speaker 1>deliver something that you keep requesting, that you keep expecting,

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<v Speaker 1>that you keep wishing for, and over time that unmet request,

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<v Speaker 1>that unmet expectation turns into resentment. Okay, so now we're exhausted,

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<v Speaker 1>we're better, we're dependent, and we're paralyzed. The cost is paralysis,

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<v Speaker 1>because you cannot move forward right into will they say

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<v Speaker 1>the thing, do the thing, give the apology, see what

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<v Speaker 1>they did, appreciate you, validate you, honor you affirm you.

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<v Speaker 1>Paralysis you just avoid, you avoid moving forward in your

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<v Speaker 1>own life, and you wait desperately for permission to do

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<v Speaker 1>something different with it. It's also performance, right, Gosh, do

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<v Speaker 1>I know this one well? Because if you're worth, if

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<v Speaker 1>your lovability, if your enoughness, if your own mattering, if

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<v Speaker 1>your own sense of accomplishment is all wrapped up and outsourced,

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<v Speaker 1>you are going to bend to keep getting the fuel,

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<v Speaker 1>to keep getting the supply. You are bet you will bend.

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<v Speaker 1>You will accommodate, you will placate, you will pretend, you

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<v Speaker 1>will please, you will perform in order to ensure that

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<v Speaker 1>next level of love, that next love, that any sort

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<v Speaker 1>of assurance of your own awesomeness, If it comes from

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<v Speaker 1>somebody else, we are screwed. And the one cost that

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<v Speaker 1>hurts the most is that you start to believe right

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<v Speaker 1>that this this this well, this fuel source that isn't

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<v Speaker 1>able to meet you and to meet the demands of you. Ever,

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<v Speaker 1>is a verdict on you, is a verdict on you,

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<v Speaker 1>and you will have lots of proof. Right, They're not

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<v Speaker 1>giving me this because I'm not worthy of it. This

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<v Speaker 1>is not happening. They're not apologizing because maybe maybe I'm

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<v Speaker 1>the one that maybe I'm the one that was in

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<v Speaker 1>air here. And then you start second guessing, and you

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<v Speaker 1>start doubting your own level of enoughness, of worthiness of love,

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<v Speaker 1>and then you will double down on trying to get

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<v Speaker 1>it from the places that it was never available for

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<v Speaker 1>you to get. And so today we're going to talk

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<v Speaker 1>about two. There's many, but two of the very specific

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<v Speaker 1>patterns that I see most often in this outsourcing context.

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<v Speaker 1>And by the end of this conversation, my hope is

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<v Speaker 1>that you will be able to spot exactly right where

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<v Speaker 1>you have been doing this. Right when I asked you,

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<v Speaker 1>where are you tired in? What relationship are you outsourcing? This?

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<v Speaker 1>Is this? You'll find yourself in one of these patterns,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm pretty sure, and so you'll have the awareness to

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<v Speaker 1>see it and exactly how to take it back. So

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<v Speaker 1>the first pattern is what I'm going to call outsourced assurance. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>outsourced assurance sounds like this. I'll feel okay about myself

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<v Speaker 1>when they tell me that I'm doing a good job

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<v Speaker 1>when they'll when they tell me right that, or I'll

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<v Speaker 1>feel like I'm enough when they say I'm enough. I'll

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<v Speaker 1>know that I'm a good mom when my kids tell

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<v Speaker 1>me that I am. I'll know that I'm a good

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<v Speaker 1>wife when my husband says that I am. I'll feel

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<v Speaker 1>chosen when when they picked me, when they sign up

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<v Speaker 1>for me, when they when they say yes to my proposal.

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<v Speaker 1>I'll feel valuable when they give me the title, or

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<v Speaker 1>they give me the raise, or the acknowledgment or the role. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>out sourced assurance is not love. It's a job interview, right,

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<v Speaker 1>a job interview that you have been on for tens

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<v Speaker 1>and tens of maybe not decades, that no one was

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<v Speaker 1>hiring for. And I want you to feel that because

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<v Speaker 1>some of you have been auditioning, interviewing for a role

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<v Speaker 1>inside someone else's life, for a place, for a thought,

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<v Speaker 1>for a belief, for a feeling that was somebody else's entirely,

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<v Speaker 1>and you were hoping that the audition or the interview

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<v Speaker 1>would end with the with your own self assurance that

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<v Speaker 1>you are enough and that audition has been the entire relationship,

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<v Speaker 1>or at least a good portion of it. And that

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<v Speaker 1>is not connection that as I mentioned earlier, the cost

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<v Speaker 1>that is performance. And no one can love you while

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<v Speaker 1>you are performing for them, right, I want you to

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<v Speaker 1>really think about that. They're not loving the real version

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<v Speaker 1>of you. They're loving the version of you that performs

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<v Speaker 1>for their accolades, for their assurances, for their acceptance. Because

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<v Speaker 1>if they accept you, then you now have permission to

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<v Speaker 1>possibly accept yourself. And how has that been going for

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<v Speaker 1>most of my clients? And I know for me it

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<v Speaker 1>didn't go well. It just gave me more doubt and

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<v Speaker 1>more hopelessness that I would never be who I wanted

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<v Speaker 1>to be because there's no amount of assurance that anybody

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<v Speaker 1>can give me it's going to make me feel self assured.

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<v Speaker 1>That assurance needs to be insourced, not outsourced. So here's

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<v Speaker 1>what assurance actually is. It's insourced. It's something that you

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<v Speaker 1>give yourself out loud, on purpose, in writing if needed.

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<v Speaker 3>You get to decide what is true about you. You

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<v Speaker 3>get to decide whether you're doing your best. You get

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<v Speaker 3>to decide that you.

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<v Speaker 1>Are a good parent, partner, friend, human, employee, employer. You

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<v Speaker 1>get to decide that you are enough. You get to

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<v Speaker 1>decide that you are loved. You do not audition for it,

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<v Speaker 1>you do not interview for it. And here is the

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<v Speaker 1>part that is really hard to hear. The people that

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<v Speaker 1>you most want assurances from are usually the people that

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<v Speaker 1>are least capable of giving it. Not because they do

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<v Speaker 1>not love you, not because they do not care, but

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<v Speaker 1>because their capacity is what it is. Right. The parent

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<v Speaker 1>that could never tell you that they were proud, they

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<v Speaker 1>can't even now. That has nothing to do with you.

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<v Speaker 1>It has everything to do with their capacity. The partner

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<v Speaker 1>who cannot say the affirming thing, that cannot choose to

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<v Speaker 1>behave in a way that you want them to behave.

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<v Speaker 1>They cannot love you in the way that you want

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<v Speaker 1>to be loved. That has nothing to do with your

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<v Speaker 1>own love ability. It has to do with the capacity,

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<v Speaker 1>and they can't. It's the boss who cannot acknowledge what

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<v Speaker 1>you bring. They cannot acknowledge with any level of enthusiasm

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<v Speaker 1>or appreciation. Not because you don't deserve it, they don't

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<v Speaker 1>have the capacity to give it. Right, some people are

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<v Speaker 1>working with the capacity that they have. Scratch that most people,

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<v Speaker 1>all people are right, and their capacity is a statement

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<v Speaker 1>about them, it's not a verdict about you. And you

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<v Speaker 1>can keep going back to that empty well, you can

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<v Speaker 1>keep going back to the fuel that actually won't source anything,

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<v Speaker 1>and you can get mad at it for not working.

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<v Speaker 1>You can't get mad at it for being empty. Or

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<v Speaker 1>you can dig your own will, or you can source

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<v Speaker 1>your own fuel, and you can do that. So I

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<v Speaker 1>want to share something personal. Right. I spent years and

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<v Speaker 1>years and years waiting on a specific kind of acknowledgment

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<v Speaker 1>from a specific person in my life, and I would

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<v Speaker 1>track when it did not come, and I would feel

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<v Speaker 1>hurt when it did not come, and I would say

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<v Speaker 1>to myself, I just need to hear it. I just

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<v Speaker 1>need to hear it once. And then one day I

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<v Speaker 1>sat down and I wrote down exactly what I wanted

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<v Speaker 1>them to say. And I'm going to invite you to

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<v Speaker 1>do the same exercise. If you are waiting for someone

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<v Speaker 1>to say something, if you're waiting for somebody to do

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<v Speaker 1>something right, I want you to write down what they

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<v Speaker 1>would say. I want you to write down what they

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<v Speaker 1>would do, and thereby what you would make it mean

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<v Speaker 1>that they did what they did. And then I want

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<v Speaker 1>you to read the words back to you. And what

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<v Speaker 1>hit me was I had been waiting on someone else

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<v Speaker 1>to give me a sentence that I had been refusing

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<v Speaker 1>to give myself, and that was I was worthy enough,

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<v Speaker 1>I was lovable enough. And the moment that I gave

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<v Speaker 1>it to myself meant it all the way down, said

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<v Speaker 1>it with my full whole chest. The waiting stopped, the

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<v Speaker 1>outsourcing stopped, the resentment around the person literally started to dissolve.

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<v Speaker 1>And it wasn't because they ever said the sentence. It's

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<v Speaker 1>not ever going to be because they did what you

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<v Speaker 1>want them to do or they said what they wanted

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<v Speaker 1>them to say. Do you know what? What what happens

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<v Speaker 1>you stop needing them to, You stop needing them to.

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<v Speaker 1>And that's the exercise that I want you guys to

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<v Speaker 1>do this week. Right, I want you to write down

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<v Speaker 1>the sentence that you have been waiting on someone to

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<v Speaker 1>say to you, and then I want you to ask

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<v Speaker 1>can I say it to myself? Can I mean it?

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<v Speaker 1>Most of you can? You just haven't, Okay. So that's

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<v Speaker 1>that's the first pattern. The second powder is what I'm

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<v Speaker 1>going to call outsourced closure. Right. The first one was assurance.

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<v Speaker 1>This is closure. So this is this, this looks like

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<v Speaker 1>when they apologize, I'll move on when they finally see

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<v Speaker 1>what they did to me. I will release it when

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<v Speaker 1>the they say sorry the right way. We've got all

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<v Speaker 1>sorts of conditions on the apologies. Right. Some people want

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<v Speaker 1>apologies that have agreements behind it, meaning I'm sorry and

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<v Speaker 1>this is what I will do moving forward. Some people

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<v Speaker 1>just want I'm sorry with a period. We got all

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<v Speaker 1>these conditions on the way that the apology is received,

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<v Speaker 1>right if the closure also comes from if we could

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<v Speaker 1>just have one more conversation, I could let it go.

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<v Speaker 1>I coach a lot of people on grief on this one.

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<v Speaker 1>Just one more day, just one more hour, just one

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<v Speaker 1>more conversation. If I only would have had that, then

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<v Speaker 1>I would be able to let it go. Once they

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<v Speaker 1>admit what they did, once they take ownership for the

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<v Speaker 1>way they made me feel. Right, listen to this, I

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<v Speaker 1>will be okay. You are waiting for someone else to

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<v Speaker 1>unlock a door that has been opened to you the

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<v Speaker 1>whole time. They don't have the key you do. Closure

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<v Speaker 1>is not something they give you. Closure is something that

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<v Speaker 1>you decide right now. It is a choice that you

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<v Speaker 1>can decide right. It is the moment that you say

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<v Speaker 1>I'm no longer keeping this file open on them. I

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<v Speaker 1>am no longer renting space in my head to a

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<v Speaker 1>conversation that may or may not ever happen. I no

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<v Speaker 1>longer am waiting on an apology that they may not

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<v Speaker 1>be capable of giving. May that they might not see

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<v Speaker 1>that it is owed, and they most likely may not

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<v Speaker 1>remember what was needed. I'm closing this loop because I

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<v Speaker 1>am the only one who can. This is not forgiveness.

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<v Speaker 1>This is absolution. This is not pretending that it didn't happen.

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<v Speaker 1>This is this is not minimizing what occurred. This is

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<v Speaker 1>just refusing to organize your press life around an unfinished

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<v Speaker 1>conversation from your past period. Period. You can grieve and

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<v Speaker 1>still close the loop. You can be angry and still

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<v Speaker 1>close the loop. You can have boundaries and still close

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<v Speaker 1>the loop. You can be done with this person and

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<v Speaker 1>still close the loop. Closing the loop is not about them.

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<v Speaker 1>It's about you. It's about reclaiming and resourcing.

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<v Speaker 2>You.

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<v Speaker 1>And so I want to bring this back to loveability,

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<v Speaker 1>just for a moment, because I think it all ties together.

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<v Speaker 1>We outsource assurance and closure, because somewhere along the way,

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<v Speaker 1>we forgot or we're never told that We're one hundred

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<v Speaker 1>percent levable, one hundred percent worthy, and it is our birthright.

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<v Speaker 1>And I know I've been bringing this forward a lot

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<v Speaker 1>on these conversations, and that's because at some point in time,

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<v Speaker 1>you just get to decide. And if you knew all

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<v Speaker 1>the way down, you would not need someone else to

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<v Speaker 1>verify it. So if you still do the work, the

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<v Speaker 1>practice is on the commitment, the demarcation line, your own

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<v Speaker 1>reliance on yourself to practice not being unworthy. Right, So

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<v Speaker 1>if you knew it all the way down, you would

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<v Speaker 1>not interpret somebody's silence as an answer. You would not

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<v Speaker 1>read their behaviors as you're worth. You would say they

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<v Speaker 1>are working with their capacity, and I am working with mine,

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<v Speaker 1>and the verdict on me is already in. I am loved,

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<v Speaker 1>I am worthy, I am enough. That is, that is

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<v Speaker 1>not an affirmation. That is that is a level of

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<v Speaker 1>sovereignty that I welcome everyone in this conversation and every

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<v Speaker 1>human in the world to understand. Right, when you stop

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<v Speaker 1>outsourcing your worth, the relationships often often like ninety nine

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<v Speaker 1>percent of the time, get better because you stop arriving

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<v Speaker 1>with an empty cup demanding to be filled. You start

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<v Speaker 1>arriving with your cup already fill, already full, available for connection,

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<v Speaker 1>without the audit, without the manual, without the expectation that

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<v Speaker 1>they should be different. Right, people can feel the difference,

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<v Speaker 1>even if they cannot name it. Even if you can't

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<v Speaker 1>name it, they feel the difference. Right. So as we close,

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<v Speaker 1>you are the CEO of your own life. Right, the

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<v Speaker 1>CEO needs to decide. The CEO does not wait for

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<v Speaker 1>the board to validate every move. The CEO does not

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<v Speaker 1>need permission. The CEO does not outsource the call. The

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<v Speaker 1>CEO does not wait for the closure. Right, the CEO

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<v Speaker 1>gives the assurance. The CEO is the one who knows.

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<v Speaker 1>When you outsource, you have demoted yourself. You have made

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<v Speaker 1>someone else the CEO of your life, and then you're

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<v Speaker 1>mad at them for not running your life the way

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<v Speaker 1>that you would have if you had kept the seat.

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<v Speaker 1>This work is to take your seat back. You are

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<v Speaker 1>the CEO. You consult, you decide, you close, you assure,

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<v Speaker 1>you are sure. Okay, So who are you waiting on

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<v Speaker 1>for assurance and who are you waiting for for closure?

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<v Speaker 1>Understanding this is imperative for you to take back full

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<v Speaker 1>governance and full ownership of your life. So next week

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<v Speaker 1>we're going to wrap the series up with boundaries, what

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<v Speaker 1>they are, what you've been calling them, what they're not,

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<v Speaker 1>And it might be the hardest episode of the entire series,

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<v Speaker 1>but also the most free. So, my beautiful friends, have

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<v Speaker 1>an amazing, amazing day. Take this conversation, integrate it, do

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<v Speaker 1>the work. Don't just listen, don't just hit stop. Don't

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<v Speaker 1>tell me you're gonna do it later. Sit with it now.

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<v Speaker 1>You've got five minutes to sit with it. So much

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<v Speaker 1>is gonna come up for you when you sit with

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<v Speaker 1>these questions and you get serious about them. Right. Relationships

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<v Speaker 1>are serious business. I will and your worth of serious business.

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<v Speaker 1>Take it seriously until next time, Take care, Bye bye.

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<v Speaker 1>If this episode cracked something open good, let it and

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<v Speaker 1>then head to leahrollincoaching dot com and grab the tools

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<v Speaker 1>to rewire the story and replay your future. It is yours,

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<v Speaker 1>And then share this with someone who's still waiting to

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<v Speaker 1>be chosen, still waiting for permission, and remind them they

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<v Speaker 1>don't need a breakthrough, that they are the breakthrough. Until

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<v Speaker 1>next time, My beautiful friends, invest in you and keep

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<v Speaker 1>becoming