1 00:00:01,120 --> 00:00:04,480 Speaker 1: Hi everyone, I'm Stephaney Wilder Taylor, and this is Drunkish, 2 00:00:04,519 --> 00:00:09,240 the podcast based on Drunkish, my memoir about quitting drinking, 3 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:13,679 which is available. I'm just saying, please do me a 4 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:16,719 favor and rate or review this podcast, give it a watch, 5 00:00:16,839 --> 00:00:19,960 and follow it on YouTube. It really helps me out. 6 00:00:20,719 --> 00:00:25,600 My guest today is my friend Misty Milner. Okay, I'm 7 00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:28,920 switching things up a little bit. Misty not an alcoholic, 8 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:33,039 but she did struggle with anorexia and disordered eating for 9 00:00:33,119 --> 00:00:36,159 several long periods in her life, and I know her 10 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:39,960 story will be relatable to a lot of people. And 11 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,240 I'm excited to tell you that you can find Misty 12 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:48,000 on a substack called That's what She Said writers Dot 13 00:00:48,079 --> 00:00:52,759 substack where she discusses this topic and a lot more 14 00:00:52,799 --> 00:01:13,079 to come. So here she is. Well, Hi, Missy, thank 15 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:16,760 you for coming and doing a little Runkish the show 16 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:20,280 got you for having me. Oh, I'm so glad I 17 00:01:20,439 --> 00:01:23,920 know all about your story. Today. We're talking about anorexia 18 00:01:25,079 --> 00:01:28,319 and something that you've struggled with on and off for 19 00:01:29,359 --> 00:01:33,640 many years, and I think will be a very relatable 20 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:34,840 story to a lot of people. 21 00:01:35,719 --> 00:01:40,319 Speaker 2: Yeah unfortunately, Yeah, yeah, So I don't know. 22 00:01:40,439 --> 00:01:42,760 Speaker 1: Let's just start. Let's just start at the beginning. You know, 23 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:46,400 I know the story, share it with our listeners. How 24 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:48,640 did it start? What was your upbringing? 25 00:01:48,799 --> 00:01:54,359 Speaker 2: Like? Sure, sure, So I grew up in a suburb 26 00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:57,599 of Salt Lake City. I still live in the same city. 27 00:01:57,719 --> 00:02:02,000 It's called Sandy Utah's Yeah, twenty minute drive from downtown 28 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:08,240 Salt Lake City. Grew up in uh. I was raised 29 00:02:08,439 --> 00:02:17,120 LDS Mormon, but not we weren't completely entrenched in the 30 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:20,639 Mormon religion. My dad was not Mormon, my mom was 31 00:02:20,759 --> 00:02:23,439 raised Mormon. We kind of just got sent to church 32 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:28,719 because that's what everybody did, and so a lot of 33 00:02:28,759 --> 00:02:34,240 my I think early memories are of just perfect families, 34 00:02:35,719 --> 00:02:43,000 perfect you know, moms, and you know, just that whole 35 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:50,719 sense of appearances matter kind of kind of thing. And 36 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:56,599 so kind of stopped going to church around fifteen, which 37 00:02:56,639 --> 00:02:58,639 was fine, which was also right around the time that 38 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:06,800 I had my first disorder situation. I wasn't extremely overweight. 39 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:09,960 I was just kind of a little pudgy end of 40 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:13,479 elementary school all through middle school, and I really just 41 00:03:13,479 --> 00:03:18,319 didn't want to go to high school being heavy, and 42 00:03:18,439 --> 00:03:24,639 so I dieted between eighth and ninth grade and went 43 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:27,560 to school and everybody was like, oh my gosh, you 44 00:03:27,599 --> 00:03:28,400 look so great. 45 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:33,960 Speaker 1: Was this after that kid made a comment to you. Yes, 46 00:03:34,439 --> 00:03:36,800 And I also want you to touch on because I 47 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:40,479 think this is really important. Prior to you starting to 48 00:03:40,479 --> 00:03:44,240 have an eating disorder and things switching up, you loved 49 00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:46,319 treats right like we all do. 50 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:52,719 Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely, No, I definitely had a sweet tooth. My 51 00:03:53,479 --> 00:03:56,840 mom was just an amazing baker, an amazing cook, and 52 00:03:56,919 --> 00:04:00,680 so a lot of I think, just like most people 53 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:05,879 you're upbringing, childhood memories are of food and holidays and 54 00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:08,639 and things like that. So I always loved that kind 55 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:12,479 of thing. And our house, we kind of our pantry 56 00:04:12,639 --> 00:04:14,960 was known in the neighborhood as the pantry that had 57 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:19,399 all the great treats, and we had being dogs and 58 00:04:19,519 --> 00:04:22,600 Susie hughes and grew loops and all the sugar cereals 59 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:27,079 and pop tarts, and a lot of our friends didn't 60 00:04:27,079 --> 00:04:28,560 have that kind of food at their house, and so 61 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:33,680 a lot of times they'd come to our house and I, 62 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:36,800 you know, just like a lot of kids, I'd sneak treats, 63 00:04:36,839 --> 00:04:42,360 and you know, there, you always knew that you shouldn't overindulge, 64 00:04:42,399 --> 00:04:46,199 but I like to overindulge a little bit, So yeah, 65 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,439 so I was. I was a littler on the heavy 66 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:54,920 heavy side. And in middle school, we had like a 67 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:59,839 National Honor Society banquet from eighth grade to ninth grade, 68 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:04,879 and I remember they had like this huge cake that 69 00:05:04,959 --> 00:05:07,800 they kept and there was a lot of pieces of 70 00:05:07,839 --> 00:05:12,120 cake on plates, and I was there with my friend 71 00:05:12,199 --> 00:05:15,560 and we went to go get dessert, and I thought, 72 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,920 I'll just grab a piece for my mom and dad. 73 00:05:17,959 --> 00:05:23,959 So I had three pieces of cake, and this kid 74 00:05:24,319 --> 00:05:30,079 that I was friends with with two other kids, very 75 00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:35,279 popular boys at the time, made a comment to the effective, gosh, missy, 76 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:38,879 do you really need three pieces of cake? And I 77 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:44,240 was just humiliated and devastated, and I just wanted to leave. 78 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:48,879 So we kind of just left, and I remember crying 79 00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:53,040 in the car on the way home, and yeah, I 80 00:05:52,759 --> 00:05:54,920 just I just was like, I don't want to be 81 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,639 like this when I go to high school. I want 82 00:05:57,639 --> 00:06:01,439 to I want to get some weight off and look good. 83 00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,680 Speaker 1: So yeah, that was kind of prospect that you were 84 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:10,439 even honestly chubby. 85 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:16,680 Speaker 2: Not I would say, yes, I think so, you know, 86 00:06:16,759 --> 00:06:22,199 in comparing to my two best friends who. I'm short, 87 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,959 five foot two, and my two best friends were you know, 88 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,160 they're five five five seven, you know, somewhere in there, 89 00:06:31,279 --> 00:06:36,240 very tall, thin girls. And I don't know, I was chubby, 90 00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:42,240 and I feel like I was buying clothes from like 91 00:06:42,279 --> 00:06:45,399 I stopped buying clothes out of the girls department earlier 92 00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:49,759 than I probably should have. And but I wasn't like 93 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:54,439 obese or anything. But yeah, I would say I was 94 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:55,759 probably a little heavy. 95 00:06:56,079 --> 00:06:59,439 Speaker 1: So maybe so that comment tapped into something that you 96 00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:02,040 already were maybe slightly worried about. 97 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,879 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, no, I knew, and you know, I in 98 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:11,000 looking around and comparing, and I knew I was on 99 00:07:11,079 --> 00:07:13,800 the heavier side. And you know, like you do in 100 00:07:13,839 --> 00:07:20,240 middle school. I think I remember, uh, that movie Oh 101 00:07:20,319 --> 00:07:24,399 Flash Ants came out and that Cynthia Rhodes character had 102 00:07:24,439 --> 00:07:28,199 that cute, spiky haircut, and I, you know, kind of 103 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:31,680 it was like a female mullet essentially, And so I 104 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:35,920 got that haircut and not good. It just like accentuated 105 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:39,040 my roundness of my face. And you know, you just 106 00:07:39,079 --> 00:07:41,680 traveling hard and you're just so awkward in those years anyway, 107 00:07:41,759 --> 00:07:44,120 it's just a hard it's just a hard time. And 108 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:48,519 so I just didn't want to feel awkward anymore. I 109 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:51,279 just wanted to feel like everybody else is what I 110 00:07:51,319 --> 00:07:52,040 wanted to feel like. 111 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,560 Speaker 1: Mm hmm. So you tell your mom, right. 112 00:07:54,920 --> 00:08:00,199 Speaker 2: I tell I tell my mom, and she uh says yea, 113 00:08:03,279 --> 00:08:10,920 she says, you know, I I understand. I'm happy to 114 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:19,120 help you and very supportive and let's walk. Let's you 115 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:22,560 know that kind that kind of thing. Normal mom shit, 116 00:08:23,319 --> 00:08:28,600 normal mom, normal mom stuff. So I remember walking with 117 00:08:28,639 --> 00:08:34,200 our neighbors across the street. Uh, they're uh that mom, 118 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,679 and and my my friend who was a year older, 119 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:39,480 and we would walk, you know, like an hour every night, 120 00:08:39,879 --> 00:08:43,120 maybe not every night, but several nights a week. And 121 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,559 all I remember a lot of the women in our 122 00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:51,240 neighborhood walked and walked and walked, and every everybody's mom 123 00:08:51,279 --> 00:08:56,120 was on the diet, and you know, everybody's mom was 124 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,840 doing Jane Fonda in the basement or going to jazz 125 00:08:59,919 --> 00:09:03,440 or size and so you know, I just you just okay, Well, 126 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:07,960 I guess that's why I've got to do too. So, yeah, 127 00:09:08,039 --> 00:09:11,080 I lost weight, and I came to my freshman year 128 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,919 in high school is like a completely different person. 129 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,080 Speaker 1: Now. Were you also starting to restrict food or were 130 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:17,919 you just walking? 131 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:22,200 Speaker 2: Well, I was mainly just walking, and I would say 132 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:26,279 that I wasn't really restricting food until I got into 133 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:30,200 my freshman year in high school. I was mainly just 134 00:09:30,279 --> 00:09:34,480 kind of watching what I was eating. And but the 135 00:09:34,639 --> 00:09:38,240 comments that I received and the oh my gosh, how 136 00:09:38,279 --> 00:09:41,039 do you do it? You look so amazing. I just 137 00:09:41,279 --> 00:09:44,399 thrived on that I didn't get that kind of attention, 138 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,039 and I just in the back of my mind, I thought, 139 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,960 I wonder, you know, if I lost another five pounds, 140 00:09:51,279 --> 00:09:54,000 what would people say? And then it kind of just 141 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,559 started to spiral, and I just that's when I really 142 00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:03,840 started restricting foods and massive like exercise. But at the 143 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:07,000 time for me, it was walking. Like if I didn't 144 00:10:07,039 --> 00:10:09,840 get my walk every day, I was just a horrible, 145 00:10:09,879 --> 00:10:14,360 awful person. I feel bad for my family apologizing for 146 00:10:14,799 --> 00:10:17,960 the behavior. I was awful to live with. If I 147 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,399 didn't get, you know, my meal the way I wanted it, 148 00:10:21,759 --> 00:10:24,000 or if it wasn't something that if my mom made 149 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,000 dinner and it wasn't something I wanted, I kind of 150 00:10:26,039 --> 00:10:30,840 threw a fit. Yeah it was. I was kind of awful, 151 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:36,039 like it was not it was I don't have you know, 152 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:39,679 happy memories of that time. I was very, very in 153 00:10:39,759 --> 00:10:40,519 the throes of it. 154 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:44,360 Speaker 1: So what happened? So you do start to lose more weight. 155 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:50,600 Speaker 2: I do start to lose more weight. And I really 156 00:10:50,639 --> 00:10:56,320 don't have clear memories about how I stopped doing it. 157 00:10:58,679 --> 00:11:01,759 I just I just kind of, Yeah. I went through 158 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:07,039 high school and I gained a little bit of weight, 159 00:11:07,159 --> 00:11:10,919 probably more towards graduation time, but I'm still pretty thin. 160 00:11:12,519 --> 00:11:17,080 But I got a scholarship to a great university here 161 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:21,039 in Utah, and I just kind of stopped doing it. 162 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,360 I just put it on the back burner. 163 00:11:24,919 --> 00:11:28,519 Speaker 1: And and that's our show. Everything was, yeah, that's it. 164 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:35,519 Speaker 2: And I'm great, falfety stable. Yeah, I just it just 165 00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:36,080 went away. 166 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:40,039 Speaker 1: Yeah, listen, prettybody out there that's struggling, just like it'll 167 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,080 just go away. You're fine, no problem. 168 00:11:42,159 --> 00:11:47,360 Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. So I I went to college and I 169 00:11:47,519 --> 00:11:52,200 gained some weight. I remember going to like once a week, 170 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,080 I would treat myself and go to RB's and they 171 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,879 would have a chicken cord on blue sandwich and French 172 00:11:57,919 --> 00:12:01,480 fries and I loved it. And so my schedule was 173 00:12:01,519 --> 00:12:04,200 such that I had a break that I could go 174 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:09,399 to RB's in between, and uh so I, you know, 175 00:12:09,519 --> 00:12:11,600 I don't. I don't know that I put say I 176 00:12:11,639 --> 00:12:14,600 put on the freshman fifteen, but I just kind of 177 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,080 loosened up a little bit. But I kept my walking, 178 00:12:17,679 --> 00:12:20,240 I you know, still tried to kind of watch it. 179 00:12:20,279 --> 00:12:22,519 But I gained a little weight. But I looked great. 180 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:28,200 I'm sure, like just fine. But at my job, I 181 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,399 think I was. It was in between my sophomore and 182 00:12:30,919 --> 00:12:35,600 junior year. I was doing some work at the company 183 00:12:35,879 --> 00:12:38,480 where I worked. In the summer. I was staining some 184 00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:46,159 decks and we would always have like once a month 185 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:53,320 we'd have a weekly lunch meeting, and I'm pretty sure 186 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:56,120 we had like Little Caesar's Pizza and I had grabbed 187 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:57,919 a couple of pieces of pizza, and I loved their 188 00:12:58,039 --> 00:12:59,720 crazy bread, so I grabbed a couple of pieces of 189 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:03,519 crazy bread. And someone made a comment about, you know, oh, 190 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:08,159 you better, you better, you know, maybe put one of 191 00:13:08,159 --> 00:13:09,879 those bread stakes back. You know, you don't want to 192 00:13:09,879 --> 00:13:12,120 fall through these decks that you just stained. And I 193 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:15,279 just I was horrified. Again. I just felt that exact 194 00:13:15,279 --> 00:13:19,559 same feeling I felt, you know, when I was going 195 00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:23,879 into high school. And I remember sitting at that meeting, 196 00:13:24,279 --> 00:13:27,399 I didn't eat a thing, and I was just horrified 197 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,080 and I just was like, how did you let yourself go? 198 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:36,120 I just immediately thought, oh, I'm I'm just like terrible, terrible, 199 00:13:36,919 --> 00:13:44,519 And this is when I really really this was my 200 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:49,399 worst bout with anorexia. So pretty much junior and senior 201 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:55,399 year of college, I was very very restrictive. I had 202 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:59,799 like one of those little like putting capsize things of 203 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:05,120 special k with like a splash of milk. That was 204 00:14:05,159 --> 00:14:10,559 my breakfast. I had the same lunch every day, a bagel, 205 00:14:10,759 --> 00:14:14,480 an apple, and a yogurt. That was my biggest meal 206 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:18,480 of the day. And then at dinner I would try 207 00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,399 and I would always have these meals by myself. 208 00:14:20,879 --> 00:14:21,240 Speaker 1: Always. 209 00:14:21,399 --> 00:14:23,720 Speaker 2: I didn't want to eat in front of people. I 210 00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:27,559 didn't want people to question what I was eating or 211 00:14:27,799 --> 00:14:30,159 critique what I was eating. I just wanted to be 212 00:14:30,279 --> 00:14:37,440 left alone. And then at work, I would in between 213 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:39,879 lunch and dinner, I would go the seven to eleven 214 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,919 and I would get a big gulf of diet coke. 215 00:14:43,799 --> 00:14:47,639 I probably had had six cans of diet coke before this. 216 00:14:47,919 --> 00:14:51,080 I just kind of lived on diet coke. But I'd 217 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:53,919 get a big wolp and then like two pieces of 218 00:14:53,919 --> 00:14:56,240 bazooka gum and that was kind of my treat and 219 00:14:56,279 --> 00:14:59,279 I would just keep the gum in the side of 220 00:14:59,279 --> 00:15:03,200 my mouth. I totally have enamel problems right now because 221 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:06,639 of it. Every time I go to the dentist, he knows, 222 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:10,840 but sometimes someone there doesn't and they'll ask me about it. 223 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:13,440 So I have to like relive that a little bit. 224 00:15:13,519 --> 00:15:17,120 But that's kind of how I got through the afternoon 225 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:22,279 until I had something for dinner, and then my dinner. 226 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:26,559 I was working almost full time at the time, plus 227 00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:29,320 full time school. I didn't eat at home a lot. 228 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,440 A lot of times. I was just kind of in 229 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:36,639 between school and work. So I love those days because 230 00:15:36,639 --> 00:15:39,879 I could have like a can of chicken little soup, 231 00:15:40,399 --> 00:15:43,679 and like I gave myself like five saltines and that 232 00:15:43,759 --> 00:15:50,000 was pretty much all I ate. And I got down 233 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:58,039 to I think eighty six pounds, and at the time 234 00:15:58,039 --> 00:16:01,320 I was really upset my work. My boss at my 235 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:06,279 work told me that, you know, they were concerned about 236 00:16:06,279 --> 00:16:10,279 me and if I if I kind of didn't get 237 00:16:10,279 --> 00:16:15,080 myself together, I could find another job. And I was 238 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:16,600 very offended. 239 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:20,720 Speaker 1: Which is so crazy, though it is crazy from today's standards. 240 00:16:21,039 --> 00:16:24,879 Speaker 2: Absolutely they are feel comfortable? Yes, I was just like, 241 00:16:25,039 --> 00:16:28,240 this is none of your business. I'm getting I'm getting 242 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,000 my work done. I'm doing good job. 243 00:16:31,159 --> 00:16:33,960 Speaker 1: Did your mom like also, but you still lived at home? 244 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:37,639 I still lived at mom must have been concerned. 245 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:42,480 Speaker 2: Oh my mom was. My mom was horrified and you know, 246 00:16:43,759 --> 00:16:46,519 I don't know how she put up with me, but. 247 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:52,200 Speaker 1: But wasn't she worried, like a problem are you eating? 248 00:16:52,399 --> 00:16:53,639 And you probably died? 249 00:16:53,759 --> 00:16:59,759 Speaker 2: And well she knew about this because you know, she 250 00:16:59,759 --> 00:17:04,920 she knew from my high school experience. And I don't 251 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,279 know that as much was known back then as is 252 00:17:08,279 --> 00:17:14,759 today about eating disorders. But yeah, she was very concerned, 253 00:17:14,839 --> 00:17:22,680 and I was very just kind of leave me alone. Yeah, 254 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:27,759 just not pleasant to be around, just not happy. 255 00:17:28,079 --> 00:17:32,240 Speaker 1: You know you think that was also because I mean, 256 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,319 I want to also talk about this later like advice 257 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:39,440 to moms. You know, yeah, a lot of moms our 258 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:42,279 age listen to this show and my concerned about their 259 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:46,400 teenage daughters eating. I'm wondering, though, if your prickliness was 260 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,160 to kind of keep people from trying to ask too 261 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:55,839 many questions, because yes, if I wanted to, then nobody's 262 00:17:55,839 --> 00:17:56,759 gonna want to deal with you. 263 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,319 Speaker 2: Then you're like, good, yes, yeah, no, I just wanted 264 00:17:59,359 --> 00:18:03,400 to be left alone. And you know, my weight was 265 00:18:03,759 --> 00:18:06,640 like number one. What I was wearing was the most 266 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:11,400 important thing. It was some sort of correlation to my worth, 267 00:18:12,039 --> 00:18:16,359 you know, and the smaller I was the better, kind 268 00:18:16,359 --> 00:18:21,599 of the better, which is ridiculous, but yeah, I know. 269 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,160 But my mom and dad were both very, very very concerned, 270 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:29,519 and looking back on it now, I am so happy 271 00:18:29,599 --> 00:18:32,400 that that my boss did this. But he pretty much 272 00:18:32,559 --> 00:18:37,279 forced me to go see an eating disorder therapist and 273 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:42,279 I only saw her for about five months. And this 274 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,039 was my senior year, as right as I was graduating graduating, 275 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:57,079 and she really helped me kind of understand that, you know, 276 00:18:57,359 --> 00:19:01,200 one of my hangouts was eating the sweets that I 277 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:04,559 loved so much. And I had. 278 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,680 Speaker 1: These too where you were like, I'm yeah, tell tell 279 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:14,680 people about the your yea, not yeah, your rule about dessert. Yeah. 280 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:19,480 Speaker 2: So I I told myself that I could have a 281 00:19:19,519 --> 00:19:25,000 dessert on holidays and birthdays and that was it. No sweets, 282 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:35,440 And so I was very rigid about about that kind 283 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:37,960 of thing. And and it was kind of fine in 284 00:19:38,039 --> 00:19:41,599 the first of the year because we had several birthdays 285 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:45,799 in a row. But like from from like June until 286 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:50,440 like you know, uh, I feel like it was, yeah, 287 00:19:50,559 --> 00:19:53,279 my brother's birthdays in November, like it was just like 288 00:19:53,480 --> 00:20:00,000 the desert, and uh so I loved that period of time. 289 00:20:00,039 --> 00:20:02,720 I'm where I actually got to have a dessert. 290 00:20:02,799 --> 00:20:06,920 Speaker 1: But is amazing, and I think people do this with 291 00:20:07,079 --> 00:20:10,200 other things too, But the rules will make for ourselves 292 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:14,079 as if as if it's some magical like, Okay, this 293 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,480 is how it works. I figured it out. If you 294 00:20:16,559 --> 00:20:20,279 have a dessert, one dessert in January, one dessert in February, 295 00:20:20,359 --> 00:20:23,039 and one dessert in March, and then nothing till November, 296 00:20:23,079 --> 00:20:24,759 like that's how that's how life works. 297 00:20:24,839 --> 00:20:28,279 Speaker 2: That's that's exactly. Yeah, I know, that's exactly how I was, 298 00:20:28,359 --> 00:20:32,920 And so I always was, you know, literally counting the days. Okay, 299 00:20:33,079 --> 00:20:38,079 and thirty eight days it's dad's birthday or whatever, you know, 300 00:20:38,359 --> 00:20:40,039 so I'll get I'll get a piece of cake. 301 00:20:40,599 --> 00:20:41,920 Speaker 1: Did you have a big piece of cake? 302 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:46,319 Speaker 2: Oh no, no, it's just you know, teeny tiny, little 303 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:49,440 like half stup of ice cream. But but you know, 304 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,839 after you eat it, you feel a little guilty and light. 305 00:20:52,559 --> 00:20:55,640 But it's kind of really what I was living for 306 00:20:56,240 --> 00:21:02,000 was the next the next dessert, and so yeah, just 307 00:21:02,079 --> 00:21:03,279 really kind of crazy. 308 00:21:04,599 --> 00:21:06,160 Speaker 1: So your food therapist. 309 00:21:06,279 --> 00:21:09,599 Speaker 2: So my food therapist helped me understand, you know, it's 310 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:15,000 okay to have dessert. And you know, she I kept 311 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,480 a food journal and I would drop it off with 312 00:21:18,519 --> 00:21:21,119 her at my appointment and then i'd take a new 313 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,640 food journal and I would have to write about like 314 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:26,240 have to write down what I ate, how I felt 315 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:31,880 when I was eating. I had never you know, nobody 316 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:34,799 in Utah had therapy, like you know what I mean, 317 00:21:35,319 --> 00:21:38,799 nobody that just wasn't the thing, and so you just 318 00:21:38,839 --> 00:21:43,319 didn't really talk about how you were feeling about it. 319 00:21:43,279 --> 00:21:46,559 Speaker 1: I feel like Mormon people, you know, from all the 320 00:21:46,599 --> 00:21:49,559 crime podcasts I've listened to. Yeah, I always feel like 321 00:21:49,559 --> 00:21:53,279 Mormon people are very big though. On keeping journals, Yes. 322 00:21:54,079 --> 00:21:56,640 Speaker 2: Yes, yes, that was a huge that's a huge thing. 323 00:21:56,960 --> 00:22:00,599 And I do have a lot of journals from when 324 00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:04,680 I was younger, and yeah, it's really big. And so 325 00:22:04,799 --> 00:22:07,279 I would I would express my fee things in my 326 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:09,480 in my journals. But you're just gonna talk to other 327 00:22:09,799 --> 00:22:17,599 people about your deepest thoughts and fears, and so it 328 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:20,599 was just really interesting and I just felt so safe 329 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:25,920 to tell her what I thought and that was at 330 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:26,480 the beginning. 331 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:32,519 Speaker 1: Were you eating still only your regimented Yes, and then 332 00:22:32,559 --> 00:22:34,519 you would just sow your food journal would just be 333 00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:38,359 like little thing of special k or whatever, Yes, yes, 334 00:22:38,759 --> 00:22:41,960 and a chicken noodle soup. So would she say. 335 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:47,079 Speaker 2: Hey, yes, yeah, she would say hey, instead of the 336 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:51,160 diet coke for breakfast, you know, hop out some juice. 337 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:55,000 And I was just like, no way, I am not 338 00:22:55,480 --> 00:23:02,000 drinking one hundred calories. That's ridiculous. No. So I never 339 00:23:02,079 --> 00:23:06,160 really like I never really like did that, but like 340 00:23:06,799 --> 00:23:11,880 it registered, you know, it did register. But like I 341 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:16,920 remember in the journal, I I my mom makes the 342 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,519 best banana cream pie. And she just made a banana 343 00:23:19,559 --> 00:23:24,160 cream pie for Sunday dinner. And I remember writing my journal, 344 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:26,720 I just decided to have a piece, even though it 345 00:23:26,799 --> 00:23:30,799 wasn't a special occasion. And and she was like, you know, 346 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,799 she had she put like stickers in it, like you know, 347 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:39,839 like your elementary schoolster like great, and you know, like 348 00:23:40,079 --> 00:23:43,240 this is amazing, and she's like and nothing happened, right, 349 00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:47,400 and and you know, so it really worked for me, 350 00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:55,079 like that that feedback and that validation about my feelings 351 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:59,200 and and and that it's okay, you know, make doing 352 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:05,359 something different really really helped me. And I had a 353 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:08,759 trip scheduled to go to Europe for graduation with a 354 00:24:08,799 --> 00:24:13,680 friend and I had to make my dad just told 355 00:24:13,759 --> 00:24:17,000 me my mom and dad. I mainly remember my dad 356 00:24:17,079 --> 00:24:21,119 just telling me, hey, we're very concerned about you, and 357 00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:25,240 we don't you know, you need to gain some weight 358 00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:27,359 in order to go on this trip. And so the 359 00:24:27,359 --> 00:24:29,960 deal I made with him was to weigh ninety pounds. 360 00:24:30,319 --> 00:24:33,079 And so I gained the weight, and it was it 361 00:24:33,119 --> 00:24:35,240 was scary. In the back of my mind. I thought, 362 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,599 as soon as I get back, I'm just gonna I'll 363 00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:44,039 just lose it. But for whatever reason, the therapy clicked. 364 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:47,240 I came back from Europe and I just stopped. I 365 00:24:47,279 --> 00:24:53,599 stopped doing it, and I think I maintained around one 366 00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:58,200 hundred and twenty five pounds for years, years and years. 367 00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:01,559 Still exercising was importing important, But I didn't have the 368 00:25:01,599 --> 00:25:02,680 same rules. 369 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:06,880 Speaker 1: You know, did you ever discover during that time? And 370 00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:09,279 I know, again we could say like, okay, yay, so 371 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:13,680 totally cured, done, fine, yeah, yeah, end of show for 372 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:20,559 three minutes, that's it. But with I mean, I'm interested 373 00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:24,559 in if you figured out because the behavior is one thing. 374 00:25:24,599 --> 00:25:26,519 I wonder how important it is to figure out like 375 00:25:26,559 --> 00:25:29,279 what are those feelings or are they feelings underneath it 376 00:25:29,319 --> 00:25:34,200 that you're trying to camp down with controlling your weight? 377 00:25:34,279 --> 00:25:36,440 I mean, do you think it was just random, like 378 00:25:36,559 --> 00:25:39,480 something clicked in you and then you got caught up? 379 00:25:39,559 --> 00:25:42,000 Or did you did you discover that there were feelings 380 00:25:42,039 --> 00:25:46,240 of like any childhood stuff or or just low self 381 00:25:46,319 --> 00:25:50,200 esteem or what that was? You know, drastic? I mean 382 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:51,839 eighty six pounds. 383 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:57,000 Speaker 2: Really drastic. I think I really don't know why I 384 00:25:57,079 --> 00:25:59,759 did it. You know, I think it's self sustained, definitely, 385 00:26:00,519 --> 00:26:04,000 you know, just to have a stupid comment, offhand comment 386 00:26:04,079 --> 00:26:08,319 that someone made that they never even really thought twice about, 387 00:26:08,799 --> 00:26:14,680 just joking kind of thing, but like I just really 388 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,680 took it to heart, and I just I really placed 389 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:23,000 a lot of value on my worth in my size 390 00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:29,319 for whatever reason. And I think too, in college, I 391 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:36,440 was pretty stressed out. I worked a lot, just that 392 00:26:36,519 --> 00:26:42,079 whole thing of like what's next, you know, what am 393 00:26:42,119 --> 00:26:46,759 I going to do with my life? What I think? 394 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:49,240 Just all those feelings were hard to kind of to 395 00:26:49,319 --> 00:26:52,319 deal with, and it was just really comforting to just 396 00:26:52,559 --> 00:26:54,880 live in this routine and to kind of live in 397 00:26:54,920 --> 00:27:02,119 this self imposed structure. You know, if I had regimented day, 398 00:27:03,319 --> 00:27:06,319 I could control that, And it just felt like like 399 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:08,519 I was getting to a place where, oh, there's all 400 00:27:08,559 --> 00:27:11,759 these things that I'm not quite sure that I'm going 401 00:27:11,799 --> 00:27:14,880 to be able to control when I graduate from college, 402 00:27:15,359 --> 00:27:19,799 you know, And I think that that's what it was. 403 00:27:21,079 --> 00:27:24,480 I kind of wish I would have continued doing therapy. 404 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:28,599 She was in Ogden, which was an hour away and 405 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,319 wasn't super convenient, but she was kind of the only 406 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:37,559 one around, and so in retrospect, I probably should have 407 00:27:37,759 --> 00:27:40,319 continued going or continued some sort of therapy. 408 00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:46,279 Speaker 1: I'd love that touch on yeah, which was taking you 409 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:50,759 back a little bit that incident, it's not really an incident, 410 00:27:50,799 --> 00:27:52,839 but that time that you went back to school shopping 411 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:56,519 with your sister and you realize that your body was changing, 412 00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:59,519 because I also, yeah, I think that that can sometimes 413 00:27:59,519 --> 00:28:02,920 spark off, like when you're a young girl and then 414 00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:04,359 your body starts changing. 415 00:28:05,119 --> 00:28:09,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I think that that kind of goes back 416 00:28:09,079 --> 00:28:13,359 to This would have been probably like middle school era, 417 00:28:15,119 --> 00:28:20,440 and you know, my parents were so like generous back 418 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:24,920 to school. We always got five outfits and we got 419 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:29,880 new underwear and new bras and new socks, and you know, 420 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:33,359 looking around at my friends, they didn't get that. And 421 00:28:33,839 --> 00:28:36,079 you know, we didn't have a ton of money, but 422 00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:39,799 my parents really tried hard to, you know, and they 423 00:28:39,799 --> 00:28:42,400 always wanted us to have you know, guests and your 424 00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:46,839 beaut and and you know, been nice things, and they 425 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:49,319 had to work a lot to do that. But I 426 00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:52,799 just remember going I don't remember how old exactly I was. 427 00:28:52,839 --> 00:28:55,680 I'm pretty sure it was middle school, and I just 428 00:28:55,720 --> 00:29:01,400 remember going to Mervin's and like having to go to 429 00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:07,400 like the junior's department, but also kind of relieved that 430 00:29:08,759 --> 00:29:10,400 I wasn't gonna have to try on clothes in the 431 00:29:10,839 --> 00:29:16,720 in the like girls section, because I knew, like nothing 432 00:29:16,799 --> 00:29:21,799 was gonna it's gonna fit me. But you know, I 433 00:29:21,799 --> 00:29:27,920 also remember my little sister, super cute, you know, just perky, cute, 434 00:29:29,519 --> 00:29:33,759 happy kid, lots of friends trying on all these cute clothes, 435 00:29:33,759 --> 00:29:37,839 and just that feeling of like that's never going to 436 00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:40,960 be me again. I'm always going to have to wear 437 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:44,160 clothes are a little bit bigger then, you know how 438 00:29:44,279 --> 00:29:46,759 like clothes used to be, Like I six, you were 439 00:29:46,799 --> 00:29:49,880 six years old, you know, remember that? But I don't 440 00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:54,039 know X six eggs and yeah, and like that was 441 00:29:54,119 --> 00:29:56,039 just like horrifying for me, Like I had to be 442 00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:58,160 whatever age I was. I had to be whatever I 443 00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:02,000 was supposed to be, and you know, kind of later 444 00:30:02,079 --> 00:30:08,119 elementary middle school, I wasn't and that I just felt 445 00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:16,480 like I just wasn't. I just wasn't. I didn't want 446 00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:17,000 to be different. 447 00:30:17,240 --> 00:30:19,519 Speaker 1: You know, if you remember the story too, correct me 448 00:30:19,519 --> 00:30:23,240 if I'm wrong, being like, you found something cute, then 449 00:30:23,279 --> 00:30:25,440 you needed it one size up and you were like 450 00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:29,119 hor you were like what like wear a size three 451 00:30:29,559 --> 00:30:30,200 or whatever. 452 00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:32,559 Speaker 2: Whatever it was, whatever it was. Yeah, and yet you. 453 00:30:32,559 --> 00:30:34,599 Speaker 1: Were like felt horrible after that. 454 00:30:35,119 --> 00:30:40,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, just like you know, I just I just 455 00:30:40,039 --> 00:30:42,359 didn't want to be different. I just wanted to be 456 00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:45,319 what was expected of me. I just wanted to be 457 00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:50,839 the right size. So you're if that makes sense. 458 00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:55,119 Speaker 1: Get you. You have therapy, you're uh graduating college. You 459 00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:58,440 obviously adjust, I mean you gained a good a good 460 00:30:58,480 --> 00:31:02,759 amount of weight because you became normal way yeah yeah yep, 461 00:31:03,119 --> 00:31:04,559 and then life goes on. 462 00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:07,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, life, life goes on. 463 00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:10,720 Speaker 1: Or are you restricting at all or are you just like. 464 00:31:12,519 --> 00:31:18,119 Speaker 2: Mainly mainly managing way through exercise? Again? Big walker walking, 465 00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:22,200 I was really big. Walker had to walk about that 466 00:31:23,119 --> 00:31:25,440 very rigid about that. I had to walk thirty minutes 467 00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:29,839 a day. I would you know. At this point in time, 468 00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:34,160 I was living alone, getting up at five o'clock in 469 00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:36,119 the morning, cracking the diet coke on the way to 470 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:41,319 the gym, being at the gym for mainly on the treadmill, 471 00:31:41,519 --> 00:31:44,480 just walking in the winter and outside in the summer. 472 00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:48,079 But you know, and then you know, living my life. 473 00:31:48,119 --> 00:31:56,240 I I got married and married for six years before 474 00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:58,759 we had a baby, which in Utah is very I 475 00:31:58,799 --> 00:32:01,960 was old, I was twenty seven then. Oh god, I know, 476 00:32:02,119 --> 00:32:07,680 I was like total spinster. So but then we waited 477 00:32:07,759 --> 00:32:10,680 for a long time to have kids, which is even 478 00:32:10,799 --> 00:32:18,200 weirder in Utah. And my my father passed away. And 479 00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,559 that week that he passed away, I told my husband, 480 00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:26,240 I'm just really sad, but my like, my dad's never 481 00:32:26,279 --> 00:32:28,319 going to know kid if we have kids, they're never 482 00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:32,680 never going to know him. And we started trying to 483 00:32:32,759 --> 00:32:36,440 have a baby that like, I stopped taking birth control 484 00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:40,640 that week and I had a baby like a year 485 00:32:40,640 --> 00:32:47,160 and one day after he died, and everything was fine, 486 00:32:47,319 --> 00:32:53,880 like everything was great. My daughter's too almost two, and 487 00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:56,200 I asked my husband. I'm like, we really should have one. 488 00:32:56,279 --> 00:32:58,440 More like, I don't want her to be I don't 489 00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:00,400 want her to have to take care of us. She 490 00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:02,240 needs to have someone to help, you know. 491 00:33:02,359 --> 00:33:06,640 Speaker 1: So my daughter, yeah, you The weight kind of came 492 00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:07,559 back off. 493 00:33:08,119 --> 00:33:13,559 Speaker 2: Yeah, really, really easily. I you know, people tell me 494 00:33:13,599 --> 00:33:18,599 if you nurse that that would help. And I wasn't 495 00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:22,240 excited about nursing, but I thought, well, I'll give it 496 00:33:22,279 --> 00:33:24,559 a try. And I actually ended up really loving it. 497 00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:28,680 But it really was hard with work and you know, 498 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:31,119 all of that kind of stuff. So I did it 499 00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:34,759 for six months. Weight came off back to normal, just fine, 500 00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:41,039 no problem. And so we get pregnant again a couple 501 00:33:41,039 --> 00:33:47,799 of years later, and pregnant with twins, I was terrified. 502 00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:53,079 I was terrified of a lot of things. Terrified of 503 00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:57,240 am I gonna be able to work? How could I 504 00:33:57,279 --> 00:34:02,480 afford daycare for three kids? How much weight am I 505 00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:05,960 get to gain? With with twins? I gained. I felt 506 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:08,880 like I gained a lot of weight with my my daughter, 507 00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:13,760 and I'm so small. I was pregnant everywhere with my daughter, 508 00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:17,119 like my face, my back, my arms, my leg I 509 00:34:17,159 --> 00:34:21,840 just felt like I was huge. Girls it's just really hard. 510 00:34:22,360 --> 00:34:25,280 And so I was scared to be pregnant with twins, 511 00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:28,199 and you know, you go along for a couple of 512 00:34:28,199 --> 00:34:30,760 months and and and then you find you kind of 513 00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:35,840 get excited about it. And we were two boys, and 514 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:38,719 it was like, great, we have one of each. We 515 00:34:38,800 --> 00:34:41,159 can be done. Well, you know, two boys and a girl. 516 00:34:41,199 --> 00:34:45,920 We've got both genders. That's great. And you know, then 517 00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:48,119 I start thinking about all this will be fun little 518 00:34:48,159 --> 00:34:52,679 league and you know, matching clothes and all the stuff. 519 00:34:53,559 --> 00:34:57,840 And then you know, we go into the you know, 520 00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:02,159 five month ultrasound and find out that one of the 521 00:35:02,159 --> 00:35:06,280 babies had died and they were not identical, so there 522 00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:11,840 was no danger to the living baby. But it was 523 00:35:12,119 --> 00:35:24,639 very shocking. It was shocking. It was sorry shocking. It 524 00:35:24,719 --> 00:35:33,119 was looking back at it, it was it was really devastating. 525 00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:40,400 It was it was weird because there was no danger 526 00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:43,440 to the other baby and there was nothing to be done, 527 00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:46,679 and so I just had to carry on with the 528 00:35:46,760 --> 00:35:50,559 pregnancy knowing that one of the babies had passed away. 529 00:35:51,639 --> 00:36:00,239 And we also, you know, you're kind of like what 530 00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:04,840 happens when when we have these babies, Like are we 531 00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:07,079 going to have a baby that looks like, is it 532 00:36:07,159 --> 00:36:09,280 going to look like a baby when the other baby's born, 533 00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:12,000 or it was just really there was just all these 534 00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:14,800 weird things that we just didn't know how to do. 535 00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:19,519 And and I, you know, we just I had this 536 00:36:19,599 --> 00:36:25,280 toddler at home, I was working, I had another baby 537 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:27,880 that I had to to make sure was going to 538 00:36:27,920 --> 00:36:31,599 be okay. And I spent the rest of the pregnancy 539 00:36:34,599 --> 00:36:38,800 trying to make other people comfortable with this bad thing 540 00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:43,320 that happened to me and my husband and a lot 541 00:36:43,360 --> 00:36:46,159 of you know, I think this happened for a reason, 542 00:36:46,679 --> 00:36:51,960 you know, I probably you know, probably really you only 543 00:36:52,119 --> 00:36:54,320 kind of get what you can handle. I just did 544 00:36:54,400 --> 00:36:58,079 a lot of trying to justify and this tragedy that happened. 545 00:36:58,719 --> 00:37:01,360 I just didn't want people to feel bad, yeah for us, 546 00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:07,480 And so we kind of just lived our life and 547 00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:10,199 didn't really talk about what had happened. I never really 548 00:37:10,239 --> 00:37:13,039 talked about what had happened. And my husband, I never 549 00:37:13,079 --> 00:37:15,559 asked him, are you okay? And we just, you know, 550 00:37:15,599 --> 00:37:17,639 we were busy and we were dealing with our kids, 551 00:37:17,679 --> 00:37:23,719 and so it was just it was just this thing 552 00:37:23,800 --> 00:37:27,840 that was just really you just kind of didn't know 553 00:37:27,880 --> 00:37:31,400 what to do with so so we have our son. 554 00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:37,679 He's healthy, he's fine. The other baby didn't look like 555 00:37:37,719 --> 00:37:42,639 a baby. So we just decided to do like a 556 00:37:42,679 --> 00:37:49,480 medical waste situation, which felt so just so kind of 557 00:37:51,679 --> 00:37:57,639 it just felt so careless. I don't know if that's 558 00:37:57,639 --> 00:38:01,639 the right word, but we didn't We didn't know what 559 00:38:01,639 --> 00:38:04,039 else to do, and I didn't want this big production 560 00:38:04,639 --> 00:38:07,559 over it. I had this new baby, he was healthy. 561 00:38:08,039 --> 00:38:10,639 I should be grateful for what for what I have. 562 00:38:11,519 --> 00:38:15,079 And so that was kind of how I have built that. 563 00:38:17,039 --> 00:38:20,199 And so, you know, I had weighed like one hundred 564 00:38:20,199 --> 00:38:24,719 and seventy two pounds when I had given birth, and 565 00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:27,400 it just was horrified, like, oh my gosh, this is 566 00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:30,079 going to be really hard to get this weight off. 567 00:38:30,119 --> 00:38:37,480 And and so I decided a couple of things. I 568 00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:40,400 kind of started running a little bit. My husband, you know, 569 00:38:40,559 --> 00:38:43,960 is definitely more active than I was, and so you know, 570 00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:46,480 i'd see him running half marathons and I think, oh, 571 00:38:46,559 --> 00:38:47,920 that looks kind of fun. I wonder if I could 572 00:38:47,920 --> 00:38:51,719 do that, But I I hated running though, you know, 573 00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:55,559 I would just go cheer him on. But so I 574 00:38:55,559 --> 00:38:58,480 would do some five ks or just some thirty minute dogs. 575 00:38:58,519 --> 00:39:01,960 That kind of thing. But I thought, I wonder if 576 00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:04,960 I could run a half marathon to help me lose 577 00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:11,199 some of this baby weight, and so I really got 578 00:39:11,199 --> 00:39:16,559 into running. But I also decided, you know what, I 579 00:39:16,559 --> 00:39:18,199 think I need a little extra help, so I'm going 580 00:39:18,239 --> 00:39:22,159 to go to weight watchers to help me lose this weight. 581 00:39:22,719 --> 00:39:29,119 And so went to weight Watchers and loved everything about it. 582 00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:35,360 You know, there's rules, there's points, there's math. You know, 583 00:39:35,599 --> 00:39:40,559 it's easy, makes sense to me. This is it spoke 584 00:39:40,599 --> 00:39:43,440 to me and like, I can do this, and it 585 00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:48,880 really just helped me to kind of get get back 586 00:39:49,199 --> 00:39:53,000 on track a little bit with feeling in control of 587 00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:56,679 like I'm in control of myself. Now I can I'm 588 00:39:56,679 --> 00:40:00,400 going to do this. And then I also started training 589 00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:05,119 for a half marathon that we did. I think my 590 00:40:05,159 --> 00:40:07,599 son was about he was almost one when we found 591 00:40:07,639 --> 00:40:11,599 that half marathon, and I actually really loved it. And 592 00:40:11,679 --> 00:40:15,920 so for the next couple of years, I just ran 593 00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:21,679 and ran and lots of half marathons and went to 594 00:40:21,719 --> 00:40:26,199 weight watchers. I made my lifetime goal before I even 595 00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:29,840 ran that first marathon, you know, my my targeted weight 596 00:40:29,880 --> 00:40:34,079 that I had said that I wanted to wait, and 597 00:40:35,199 --> 00:40:37,039 you know what, I just did it again. I just 598 00:40:37,159 --> 00:40:43,400 kept losing weight. I just kept losing weight and. 599 00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:44,280 Speaker 1: And you changed your goal I did. 600 00:40:44,440 --> 00:40:46,679 Speaker 2: Yeah. So my healthy weight range they told me was 601 00:40:46,719 --> 00:40:49,039 like one oh nine to one, I want to say, 602 00:40:49,079 --> 00:40:54,000 one thirty five or something like that, and I had 603 00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:55,360 told them, you know, I want to I want to 604 00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:57,719 get back to my one twenty five. So I hit 605 00:40:57,760 --> 00:41:05,440 that one twenty five really quit, and uh so like, well, 606 00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:09,199 why don't I let's go to one to fifteen. You 607 00:41:09,239 --> 00:41:11,599 know that's that's that's not bad. It's still within my 608 00:41:11,639 --> 00:41:16,039 healthy it's healthy. So let's do that. So I went 609 00:41:16,079 --> 00:41:17,360 down to one fifteen. 610 00:41:17,519 --> 00:41:19,880 Speaker 1: And I'm sure the weight watchers people were all the 611 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:23,559 happier to to go are great, we're keeping you in 612 00:41:23,599 --> 00:41:24,119 the full. 613 00:41:24,079 --> 00:41:25,199 Speaker 2: Keeping you. 614 00:41:24,840 --> 00:41:26,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, you have to keep paying because you have it, 615 00:41:26,760 --> 00:41:28,679 because now you have a different I have a new 616 00:41:28,719 --> 00:41:29,719 goal now. 617 00:41:30,440 --> 00:41:33,559 Speaker 2: But as all anorexics do, I hit that goal pretty 618 00:41:33,599 --> 00:41:39,079 quickly and so I kept you know, I kept that goal. 619 00:41:41,920 --> 00:41:44,440 I actually kept that goal for probably ten years. But 620 00:41:44,840 --> 00:41:50,800 you know, when I really got I'm pretty I decided 621 00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:53,800 to try to run a full marathon before I turned forty, 622 00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:56,000 and so it was about a month before my thirty 623 00:41:56,079 --> 00:42:00,599 ninth birthday, I did run a full marathon and that 624 00:42:00,719 --> 00:42:05,199 takes it out of you. And I was I was 625 00:42:05,280 --> 00:42:09,360 down to like one oh seven at that time, and 626 00:42:09,480 --> 00:42:13,320 so I did not want to be kicked out of 627 00:42:13,320 --> 00:42:17,920 weight Watchers. And so I you know, my tricks at 628 00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:21,760 weight watchers, you know, is I wouldn't eat before I 629 00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:24,320 went to weight watchers. I would go on like a 630 00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:28,719 six to eight mile run, no water, no nothing, and 631 00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:31,320 then I would make sure to go to the bathroom 632 00:42:31,519 --> 00:42:34,719 before I went, and then i'd go way. 633 00:42:34,800 --> 00:42:37,159 Speaker 1: And when I was. 634 00:42:37,079 --> 00:42:39,480 Speaker 2: Down that low, like, it was fine if I was 635 00:42:39,599 --> 00:42:41,840 lower than one fifteen, but I couldn't be lower than 636 00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:44,639 one of nine. That was not okay. They were going 637 00:42:44,679 --> 00:42:47,559 to kick me out. So when I was down to 638 00:42:47,599 --> 00:42:52,119 one o seven, I would wear a hoodie when I 639 00:42:52,159 --> 00:42:56,440 wighed in, I wouldn't take my shoes off. I would 640 00:42:56,440 --> 00:43:00,800 throw my car keys in my pocket of my hoodie. 641 00:43:01,760 --> 00:43:07,039 And I did that probably for about six months, just 642 00:43:07,159 --> 00:43:16,480 to stay in the program. And I I you know, 643 00:43:16,519 --> 00:43:20,800 over time after that, I was able to kind of 644 00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:24,119 keep around one hundred and fifteen, but I was leaning 645 00:43:24,119 --> 00:43:31,039 on the no desserts less it's holidays or birthdays, and yeah, 646 00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:33,559 I kind of kept doing that for a long long time, 647 00:43:34,079 --> 00:43:40,400 and I think what's helped me helped me now. At 648 00:43:40,400 --> 00:43:43,320 the time I was frustrated about it was just COVID. 649 00:43:44,159 --> 00:43:49,519 I got a running injury. We got a dog, so 650 00:43:50,360 --> 00:43:55,119 I started walking my dog more than running. And I 651 00:43:55,159 --> 00:43:57,440 you know, I'm of that age now where you know, 652 00:43:58,039 --> 00:44:01,840 I'm working my way through menopause and I've gained weight, 653 00:44:02,119 --> 00:44:07,679 and it's hard. It's really hard because I I was 654 00:44:07,719 --> 00:44:09,679 able to keep that weight for a long long time 655 00:44:09,719 --> 00:44:13,119 and I was really proud of that, and I just 656 00:44:13,199 --> 00:44:16,719 I haven't been able to And it's kind of this 657 00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:20,199 double edged edge forward where I know that it's like 658 00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:23,079 one hundred and fifteen is probably not enough for me. 659 00:44:23,239 --> 00:44:27,079 I need to wait a little more than that. But 660 00:44:27,840 --> 00:44:30,119 you know, this is the most I've weighed in my 661 00:44:30,159 --> 00:44:33,280 whole adult life. And it's it's really it's a hard thing. 662 00:44:33,360 --> 00:44:38,320 It's a hard thing to to kind of reconcile. 663 00:44:40,039 --> 00:44:42,440 Speaker 1: But it's really brave to share. And I think it's 664 00:44:42,519 --> 00:44:47,679 very interesting because so many of us, and you know, 665 00:44:47,800 --> 00:44:52,000 you're in my writing writing group, anybody that wants to 666 00:44:52,039 --> 00:44:53,719 write a memoir, I have opened. 667 00:44:53,800 --> 00:44:55,360 Speaker 2: Yes, it's great fun. 668 00:44:55,920 --> 00:44:59,199 Speaker 1: Yeah, and there is like a theme. I mean, people 669 00:44:59,280 --> 00:45:02,679 struggle with the that they don't necessarily talk about. And 670 00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:06,159 we're living in this society where we are still very 671 00:45:06,199 --> 00:45:11,320 focused on weight loss. We now GPS are becoming a 672 00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:15,800 huge thing. You know, I've tried it even because I 673 00:45:15,840 --> 00:45:18,119 think this is the thing that people really struggle with. 674 00:45:18,199 --> 00:45:20,480 And it must be such a unique struggle for you 675 00:45:21,119 --> 00:45:25,559 to know that you have been on the opposite end 676 00:45:25,599 --> 00:45:27,840 of it, where you've been trying, where you've spent so 677 00:45:28,039 --> 00:45:32,519 many years restricting yourself and punishing yourself about the number 678 00:45:32,559 --> 00:45:36,360 on the scale, and then it still must be hard 679 00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:40,559 to just go. But mentally it's better for me to 680 00:45:40,719 --> 00:45:43,079 weigh a little like who cares? You know? The thing 681 00:45:43,119 --> 00:45:46,039 is so it's so hard to go. You have this 682 00:45:46,199 --> 00:45:49,920 husband who freakin' adores you, always has, would not care. 683 00:45:50,320 --> 00:45:52,760 I mean I have that too, you know, they don't 684 00:45:52,800 --> 00:45:55,440 care about the number on the scale. So what is 685 00:45:55,480 --> 00:45:58,760 it that is so locked into our brains and our psyches? 686 00:45:59,079 --> 00:46:02,440 And as I could say, as women, maybe some men 687 00:46:02,519 --> 00:46:04,519 have this too that even at the age you are 688 00:46:04,559 --> 00:46:07,719 now and going through menopause, it's still difficult to just go. 689 00:46:08,079 --> 00:46:11,639 Why can't I just be happy? Yeah, it's have to 690 00:46:11,679 --> 00:46:13,960 be striving for a goal or wanting to be in 691 00:46:14,159 --> 00:46:16,320 or wanting to be this certain number on the scale. 692 00:46:16,320 --> 00:46:18,920 And I think it's brave to acknowledge that after all 693 00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:22,239 the years of this, you're not cured. You're not like 694 00:46:22,360 --> 00:46:24,960 no now and now I just like have dessert when 695 00:46:24,960 --> 00:46:28,159 I wanted, and as long as I'm exercising, I'm fine. Yeah, 696 00:46:28,599 --> 00:46:29,119 what is that? 697 00:46:29,880 --> 00:46:35,880 Speaker 2: I don't know what that is. It's it's it's it's 698 00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:40,599 really hard, like it's it's really hard to be a woman. 699 00:46:41,599 --> 00:46:44,440 You know. There's just a lot of weird things that 700 00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:47,079 start happening to your body when you, you know, get to 701 00:46:47,119 --> 00:46:52,039 be around my age, and I don't know, it's it's 702 00:46:52,159 --> 00:46:55,159 interesting though, you know, I do have an amazing husband 703 00:46:55,840 --> 00:47:02,320 and he's also noticing things as well. And we you know, 704 00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:05,920 of course, we have talked about the loss of our baby. 705 00:47:06,440 --> 00:47:12,880 It took us probably gosh, thirteen or fourteen years until 706 00:47:12,920 --> 00:47:15,199 we actually really talked about it. And it was really 707 00:47:15,239 --> 00:47:18,719 great to understand how he felt when this happened. Things 708 00:47:18,760 --> 00:47:22,920 I just didn't quite understand, and that was very healing. 709 00:47:24,119 --> 00:47:27,880 That helped, and it's been nice to you know, my 710 00:47:27,960 --> 00:47:31,480 husband's starting to do different sort of exercise with me 711 00:47:31,639 --> 00:47:36,639 as well. He's a you know, cyclist, a by Grazer, 712 00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:39,519 and you know, we just are We're kind of at 713 00:47:39,519 --> 00:47:43,079 a place in our lives where like we don't want 714 00:47:43,119 --> 00:47:45,800 to like get up at or four thirty in the 715 00:47:45,840 --> 00:47:49,360 morning every morning to exercise. We enjoyed going on walks 716 00:47:49,360 --> 00:47:54,480 with our dogs. We had to talk when we're exercising, 717 00:47:54,519 --> 00:47:59,679 and I think that's been really helpful for me. It's 718 00:47:59,719 --> 00:48:05,679 kind of help me feel a little more comfortable in 719 00:48:05,719 --> 00:48:11,880 this body than than I have in the past. And 720 00:48:12,239 --> 00:48:14,440 I just wish that it wasn't that way. I just 721 00:48:14,480 --> 00:48:17,639 really wish that there wasn't such a focus on how 722 00:48:18,079 --> 00:48:22,920 people looked. You know, it's it is really kind of sad, 723 00:48:23,280 --> 00:48:26,599 but that's that way, and that we torture ourselves. 724 00:48:26,719 --> 00:48:31,039 Speaker 1: And maybe like before we wrap. As a mom to 725 00:48:31,119 --> 00:48:35,360 a daughter too, that must feel important to you to 726 00:48:36,599 --> 00:48:40,159 strive to have more body acceptance, like for your daughter, 727 00:48:40,559 --> 00:48:43,239 so that she can that same acceptance. 728 00:48:43,400 --> 00:48:45,679 Speaker 2: Yeah, and yeah, to. 729 00:48:45,800 --> 00:48:49,360 Speaker 1: Not like I know that for me, I've always had 730 00:48:49,519 --> 00:48:51,320 no matter what's going on in my head, I've had 731 00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:54,760 to be really careful not to denigrate yeah, look and 732 00:48:54,840 --> 00:48:57,440 have it be about wheat and talk about calories or 733 00:48:57,519 --> 00:49:02,679 say and one. And I know I told you this story. 734 00:49:02,719 --> 00:49:05,480 But one time, many years ago, like my sister in law, 735 00:49:05,519 --> 00:49:08,079 who did not have kids at that point, came over 736 00:49:08,239 --> 00:49:10,880 and was like, oh my god, I'm such a fat fuck. 737 00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:14,119 I am like too fat to live. And I lost 738 00:49:14,239 --> 00:49:17,599 my shit. I was like, you cannot. Yeah, even though 739 00:49:17,599 --> 00:49:19,400 my kids were pretty young at the time, I was like, 740 00:49:19,440 --> 00:49:24,079 you cannot talk that way. Yeah, in front of my kids. 741 00:49:24,360 --> 00:49:29,400 Speaker 2: Oh, I think that's great that you did that. I 742 00:49:30,519 --> 00:49:34,559 you know, I have my daughter's twenty. She's beautiful. She's 743 00:49:34,599 --> 00:49:38,159 a dancer. She's in college and a modern dance program, 744 00:49:38,960 --> 00:49:42,679 and you know, has been dancing since she was three. 745 00:49:42,880 --> 00:49:46,840 And I never wanted her to do competition dance because 746 00:49:46,840 --> 00:49:51,639 I knew how just I just didn't want her to 747 00:49:51,639 --> 00:49:55,199 get stecked into all the body stuff associated with dance. 748 00:49:55,280 --> 00:49:59,199 And I think it's a different world now than it 749 00:49:59,440 --> 00:50:02,559 was when I was growing up. And I also did 750 00:50:02,719 --> 00:50:05,800 dance a little bit, nothing near or anywhere near as 751 00:50:05,800 --> 00:50:12,639 good as my daughter is. But she I feel bad 752 00:50:12,679 --> 00:50:14,440 because I was in the throes of a lot of 753 00:50:14,480 --> 00:50:18,159 this when she was growing up, and I don't think 754 00:50:18,199 --> 00:50:26,199 I was, as you know, cognizant of that behavior. And yeah, 755 00:50:26,360 --> 00:50:30,239 it's been I tried, really, I've tried really hard as 756 00:50:30,400 --> 00:50:34,079 she's grown up, even with my son, and I've told 757 00:50:34,119 --> 00:50:38,360 them about my struggles and kind of what I've gone through, 758 00:50:38,360 --> 00:50:40,000 and then I just don't want that for them. I 759 00:50:40,039 --> 00:50:43,239 just want them to love themselves no matter what. And 760 00:50:44,559 --> 00:50:48,800 my my daughter attacked my daughter, Thank goodness. She she 761 00:50:49,039 --> 00:50:54,119 loves food, she loves to eat, but she's very she's 762 00:50:54,199 --> 00:50:56,719 very conscious of what she's eating and the exercise that 763 00:50:56,760 --> 00:50:59,320 she's getting just because of what she's kind of doing 764 00:50:59,400 --> 00:51:02,960 right now in her life. And I can't say that 765 00:51:03,000 --> 00:51:06,679 I'm not worried about that. It does worry me. And 766 00:51:07,280 --> 00:51:12,000 I'm trying really hard to not say those things about 767 00:51:12,039 --> 00:51:17,519 myself at all, but for sure not in front of 768 00:51:17,719 --> 00:51:21,920 my kids. But man, it's just a really it's an 769 00:51:21,920 --> 00:51:24,280 easy thing to do. It's an easy thing to put 770 00:51:24,280 --> 00:51:29,360 yourself down. And yeah, I struggle, I really struggle with that. 771 00:51:29,480 --> 00:51:34,039 I'm trying so hard to not to not do that. 772 00:51:35,519 --> 00:51:38,840 But yeah, like I say, I'm I feel like I 773 00:51:38,960 --> 00:51:42,880 was not a great example when when they were a 774 00:51:42,920 --> 00:51:45,400 little younger, because I was I was kind of doing 775 00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:47,119 all this stuff to myself and going to weight watchers 776 00:51:47,159 --> 00:51:52,159 and all that stuff. So I I'm hoping though, that 777 00:51:53,840 --> 00:51:56,599 sharing more about this helps people understand. 778 00:51:57,320 --> 00:51:59,199 Speaker 1: But that's all you can do is try to have 779 00:51:59,280 --> 00:52:02,920 a cycle, you know, right, I mean your mom before 780 00:52:03,039 --> 00:52:07,159 you also restricted food, but you guys never really talked 781 00:52:07,159 --> 00:52:10,599 about it. So at least you're open about your struggles, 782 00:52:10,679 --> 00:52:14,840 and I think that helps the next Joe go oh, okay, 783 00:52:14,960 --> 00:52:16,639 this is a thing that goes on and that I 784 00:52:16,679 --> 00:52:18,360 could get caught up in this kind of thinking. 785 00:52:19,320 --> 00:52:23,320 Speaker 2: Absolutely. Yeah, it's addictive thinking. It's very addictive, it's very 786 00:52:23,320 --> 00:52:28,039 compulsive behavior. It's very it's a hard thing to break. 787 00:52:28,159 --> 00:52:29,360 It's a really hard thing to break. 788 00:52:29,679 --> 00:52:33,760 Speaker 3: So yeah, thank you so much for sharing your sty 789 00:52:34,480 --> 00:52:37,159 I think this is honestly going to help a lot 790 00:52:37,159 --> 00:52:40,519 of people like I. We have to have more stories 791 00:52:40,559 --> 00:52:44,440 where people are like, hey, I'm still struggling. Yeah, not 792 00:52:44,599 --> 00:52:48,119 like you know, I mean, anarexki is a very difficult thing. 793 00:52:48,239 --> 00:52:51,199 It's very hard to just cure it. You know, it's 794 00:52:51,239 --> 00:52:53,639 a whole way of thinking. And if we could just 795 00:52:53,679 --> 00:52:59,960 acknowledge that, you know, the compulsive nature, whether it's drinking, shopping, food, 796 00:53:00,519 --> 00:53:02,760 it all. It's brilliant about the same thing. 797 00:53:03,519 --> 00:53:08,639 Speaker 2: It is. There's as I've heard you talk about, you know, 798 00:53:08,760 --> 00:53:12,519 listening to your podcast for all these years, several of 799 00:53:12,559 --> 00:53:19,559 your podcasts. There are so many similarities with when I've 800 00:53:19,559 --> 00:53:22,519 heard you explain your struggles. There's just so many similarities, 801 00:53:22,559 --> 00:53:26,639 and it's so relatable. It's all. It's all just a 802 00:53:26,679 --> 00:53:31,800 coping thing or a way to deal with your emotions. 803 00:53:32,039 --> 00:53:38,719 And yeah, yeah, it's it's it's really interesting, and yeah, 804 00:53:38,840 --> 00:53:40,679 I appreciate you having me on to talk about it. 805 00:53:41,480 --> 00:53:44,000 Speaker 1: All right, thanks everybody for listening, and we will see 806 00:53:44,000 --> 00:53:48,960 you next week. I lie, it's good. 807 00:53:51,360 --> 00:53:51,880 Speaker 2: It's good. 808 00:53:52,639 --> 00:53:53,760 Speaker 1: It's good again. 809 00:54:01,199 --> 00:54:05,199 Speaker 2: Yet it after his time. He can't be dealing