Speaker 1: You are now listening to soft Core History.
Speaker 2: What is up? Welcome back to Softcore History. I am
your host for the week, Rob Fox, joined as always
by Dan Richester.
Speaker 3: Always a pleasure to host you in my house, Rob.
Speaker 2: Oh, I'm always happy to be here. This is a
Christmas wonderland in this corner of the house. And we
have a special guest with us today, actress and comedian
It may Gabby Monte.
Speaker 1: Special so special I am.
Speaker 3: She crushed her role.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Gabby was one of the sketches we shot this weekend.
Speaker 3: They're coming out probably this week next week.
Speaker 2: I was look like once a week, yeah, yeah, yeah,
who did want a week? Yeah? Maybe dropping maybe like
one all before the New year maybe or something like that.
Who knows that would not be one a week I know,
but let's be like one a week and then two
one week type of thing.
Speaker 3: Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, little bonus Yeah, why not for
the holidays.
Speaker 2: That'll be on the socials and the YouTube. It's so
uh if you're a part of the Patreon, will drop
those links in the discord too, so you can go
like and check it out.
Speaker 3: But I have some additional content on the Patreon behind
the scenes footage.
Speaker 2: Oh, just some bts. I don't know. We can do
some out takes, yeah, why not? There actually are some.
I could have had more outtakes because Bousch was making
me piss my pants half the time as a pedophile.
Don't ruin anything.
Speaker 1: Okay, I can't wait?
Speaker 3: Yeah boosh, wait so those will be on our YouTube shorts, Instagram,
a software history.
Speaker 2: My TikTok. We're just trying to rack up views at
this point. Let the advertisers know we reach the people
anywhere they are anywhere. But yeah, Gabby crush her role.
Speaker 3: We're shameless, really yeah, one hundred per But.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we got a fun, fun show today, our first
Christmas themed show of the year.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, it only took till halfway through the month.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I thought, you know, we haven't anything about Christmas.
Speaker 3: It did a Pearl Harbor episode, I mean a little
Christmas y. It had a Christmas party involved in it.
Speaker 1: That's that's giving the same energy as die Hard is
a Christmas movie.
Speaker 2: I like die Hard. It's yeah, Pearl Pearl Harbor is
a Christmas movie.
Speaker 1: Pearl a Christmas is a Christmas And if you don't agree,
you're not a patriot because.
Speaker 2: We come back. Wein no I thought today, Like you know,
a lot of times, the holidays can be depressing for people. Really,
you have something you want to say, they don't like it.
The holidays are more depressing for me now than they've
ever been. With children. You have multiple kids. Yeah, and
it's horrible now because you have to do AL from
the shelf.
Speaker 1: You don't don't do that to you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we just started this year.
Speaker 1: Oh god, no, al every day. It's it's the surveillance
state for kids.
Speaker 2: It's I mean, they need to learn. It's well, maybe
your kids do need it that I'm not fucking working.
I don't know what to do, like I do need
to like put him holding a knife.
Speaker 3: Get the specific Palanteer sponsored elf.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, but we don't do it. We don't do
anything like crazy. My wife just like moves them to
a different corner of the room.
Speaker 3: I've seen some good stuff online and my friend Shay
also does a lot of good stuff every day for
her kid with the ELF. It blows my mind. It
also just seems exhausting.
Speaker 1: It seems like it's like too much, like parents do
y'all be doing too much?
Speaker 2: The best one I ever saw was so you're not
supposed touch the elf. That's like the whole thing. You're
not supposed to.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like it's there. They can't touch it, nobody can see,
nobody can touch it.
Speaker 2: No one can touch it. So one parent like caught
her kid touching their elf, loses the magic and the
yeah and the So the kid came down the next
morning and she had like taken the ELF's head off
of its body stop and then put all chicken bones
beneath it. That the kid was like.
Speaker 3: The elf.
Speaker 1: I hate that.
Speaker 3: Actually, I've seen the dad put the elf on like
a kitchen appliance that spins and that or have Barbie.
There is a stre as a stripper, and that was
an elf has thrown money.
Speaker 2: It was a kitchen aid mixer doing the.
Speaker 1: There was another one where they did like hershey kisses
and like melted them on the toilet seat and it
was like the elf took a ship missed.
Speaker 2: We did that this morning and the elf pooped her
she kisses and the night.
Speaker 3: That seems like a common Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean, kids love a poop joke, they really do.
Speaker 2: My children won't fucking stop.
Speaker 1: They love and they love to say pooped, don't they
they do.
Speaker 3: Rob Actually, one day when we were at work together,
smiled and told me, I'm so proud of my son
because he told Courtney a poop joke.
Speaker 2: I was proud. But now that's all it is. Oh god,
he's really oversaturated. He's leaning into hard yeah, because he
got gotta laugh. Yeah, and now he's just chasing that
one dragon.
Speaker 1: He's so obnoxious and chasing laughs. Where did he get
that from?
Speaker 3: True Austin comics fashion, You just like, really hammer one
joke in the ground, nonp.
Speaker 1: He's just repeating the punchline louder and louder.
Speaker 2: Yeah. And if he's a real Austin comic, you know,
like he'll he'll start with the poop and yeah. Then
it'll be like, yeah, I'm gonna make you eat retard
poop and then everyone gets a laugh. Yeah, yeah, it
gets a huge laugh.
Speaker 1: Yeah. That thing's funnier than a four year old sing slurs.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, the first time that kids, that's just first time,
it's kids say the darned to sing. Second time it's
oh do you believe this?
Speaker 1: And then it's like a little performative Yeah, okay.
Speaker 2: But no, I thought for anyone out there, we's bummed
this holiday. Just know that someone's had a worse one
out there. And this is the tale of what might
unambiguously be the worst company Christmas party in American history.
Speaker 1: Amazing, I'm down, I'm seated.
Speaker 3: Does this have to do with like a major corporation,
perhaps a Macy's.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, I mean it. No, it does
evolve like kind of a big company, but not when
you've heard of but I assumed they were very big
at the time.
Speaker 1: Real debauchery has always been like finance railroads.
Speaker 3: I would love to be a railroad magnetic.
Speaker 1: And imagine a railroad Christmas party in the Gilded Age,
fucking crazy.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah for you guys.
Speaker 1: It wouldn't have been fun for me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you would have been working.
Speaker 1: No no, yeah, okay, okay, get back to the kitchen.
Merry fucking Christmas. I'm out of here.
Speaker 2: In nineteen thirteen, so we needed some backstory on this.
In nineteen thirteen, Michigan copper miners in the Upper Peninsula
went on strike, and they went on strike a lot
back then, miners and all kinds of blue collar you
always hear about, like coal miners going to strike and
always complaining, always whining they get more days off than bankers.
I swear to God, with all those strikes, it's ridiculous,
But I do enjoy their constant leverage of No one
else wants.
Speaker 1: To do this, I mean, and they're not wrong.
Speaker 2: Yeah, pay us.
Speaker 3: More, no one of When they get stuck, it always
becomes like a worldwide.
Speaker 1: Phenomenon when a miner is stuck on the ground.
Speaker 3: When multiple multiple mining, Yeah, it's usually like a dozen.
Speaker 1: One does it make the headlines?
Speaker 2: No one. You don't even tell anyone about.
Speaker 1: One is only what only matters to his people.
Speaker 3: Yeah, But like you know, twelve Chilean miners.
Speaker 2: Oh, I love that story, do you ironically? You can't
bury that story.
Speaker 1: You really can't.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's gonna yeah, that's gonna get out there. But so,
unions were sweeping the nation. This is early twentieth century,
and uh, the Western Federation of Miners wanted to unionize
the miners in copper country in Michigan in nineteen twelve
is when it started. And they had serious complaints at
the time, certainly.
Speaker 3: Back when we used to make pennies.
Speaker 2: Yeah, what do we even need the copper for now?
Speaker 3: Why goddamn thing?
Speaker 2: Not a goddamn thing.
Speaker 1: Maybe I feel like that's the.
Speaker 3: Thing you can steal the copper wires, go down to
the Carolinas, Oh sure, or just be white trash.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the way you sell that copper wire. If you
ever grew up like I didn't grow up in the hood,
but if you ever grew up like near the hood,
one way to tell is it there would be if
anyone's building had like part of like the awning or
the roof pulled back, it was because the roof was
like copper. Oh wow, that was like we were like
driving by. When I was like, what happened? Was there
like a small tornado? My dad was like, nah, I
think people would just try to steal the copper roof.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I did not grow up in the hood. The
first time I heard a car without a catalytic converter,
I was like twenty six.
Speaker 3: Dustin Johnson famously stole copper wire as a child and
like teen and now he's married to Wayne Gretzky's daughter.
Look look where he got great.
Speaker 2: He grew up in like Carol redneck. Yeah, okay, he
was a total piece country Appalachia type of situation a
little further south, but yeah, Okay, So these miners, they
had some fine complaints, like legitimate complaints, like because they
kind of worked in remote areas, the mines controlled everything.
It was like a mining town, so like the mine
owned all the housing, owned all the stores, and they
kind of controlled their whole lives. So like if you
got too drunk completely outside of work, like not getting
shit faced in the mine, like it's just a Sunday
and you're like, I'm gonna get fucked up today, Like nope,
you could get fired for that. Miners also typically only
had one day off per week and work ten to
twelve hour shifts.
Speaker 3: Your intentured servants, Yeah, oh yeah, because you can only
shop at the companies.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they like pay you in like their dollars, like
in their little like mining bugs.
Speaker 3: You get David Busters.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, you can only spend it here forty tickets. Wow,
I bought a three foot pixie.
Speaker 2: Stay, I got a little army man. Yeah, you could
buy this apartment inside of Dave and Busters and live
here off nothing but day.
Speaker 3: Bug, although three billion tickets.
Speaker 2: If you know, ski ball is not the worst job
in the world, but eventually you're working the dishes to
afford your Dave and Buster's rent, Like, you're not just
winning tickets on ski ball at that point, not.
Speaker 1: Just tickets.
Speaker 3: Going over your company credit line.
Speaker 2: Always prices go up.
Speaker 3: It's design though, they're trying to have you for life. Yeah,
it's slavery, right, Yeah, that's all it was.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, so that was a problem. And they also
were like, we shouldn't use kids as much. They're trying
to be reasonable about it, but you know, they're like
less kids, less kids in the mind.
Speaker 1: Let's save the kids for when we really can't, like
when our shoulders are really too big to get in. Like,
let's let's use the kids a bit more.
Speaker 3: Sparingly, right, you know, a lot of like the tech
giants now they are trying to go back to that. Obviously.
They want to build these like cities that are designed
around like a giant company like Google that everyone in
the company lives in.
Speaker 1: Walmart does that now, They did that in Ventonville, Like
everyone that lives in Bentonville works for Walmart corporate.
Speaker 2: Really yeah, and it's.
Speaker 1: Like that they like and it's like all the parks
are Walmart sponsored and all, like there's huge neighbor like
neighborhoods that you can only buy a house and if
you like work at Walmart.
Speaker 3: Like walkable city, it's.
Speaker 1: A walmartable city, walkable. It's crazy.
Speaker 2: What as long as it's walkable.
Speaker 1: If hey, if you walk an affordable home in a
walkable city, it's all. It's the American dream.
Speaker 2: It's impossible to fight.
Speaker 1: It's impossible.
Speaker 2: There was a fact there was another one like that too,
or oh no, I was gonna say, it's with Google,
Like they kind of do that already because their benefits
are so good, like and they have all this food
and shit there. They're just like, you don't have to
ever leave. Why don't you just staying work till midnight.
It's so funny.
Speaker 1: You could just don't even go home. You can you
can use a nap pod.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we just take a nap, it's fine, and showering
to blow off some steam.
Speaker 3: We have ping pong tables.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I think got a little bit of booze there,
catered lunch fruds. So they also like fuck the miners
over on pay and stuff like that, where if they
would make sure no matter how much the miners work,
they always basically made the same every month by subtracting
extra for like candles and you know, steel used in drills,
all this other stuff.
Speaker 3: Any you have to pay for. Yeah oh that pickaxe
you got paid for that body broke it.
Speaker 1: And like you start off with like your in debt
ten thousand dollars because if like the supplies you need to.
Speaker 2: Do the job.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, it's like Mary kay, Yeah, it's fucking yeah exactly.
If you want to work here, you need to spend
ten thousand dollars. Don't worry, We'll just take it out
of your check.
Speaker 2: And it's fine. That was how it was for me
when I worked at a bar. I was like a
cook at a bar in college, and after after like work,
i would go out and have some beers and I'd
be like, just put it on the paycheck and I'd
like get my paycheck at the end of the week
and just be like.
Speaker 1: Fuck, it was like minus everything.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I was never minus, but there were there
were actually, like because this is middle Missouri, there were
some like adult cooks in the kitchen lifers who would
like owe money on pay day.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: It was not great, And.
Speaker 1: Somehow I still always have coke. You're like what, yeah, hey, yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I spend all the money on drugs. Yeah yeah,
I was like Jesus Christ.
Speaker 3: They have long hours, and.
Speaker 2: There were some mineworkers who so they were like more
skilled mind workers, and there were less skilled mind workers
called trammers. They were paid less because they were less skilled,
but their job was still like physically brutal. They weren't
happy about that. Now. One of the miners' biggest complaints,
which I actually think is an annoying one in bullshit,
is they got very mad about something called the one
man drill. Uh. There used to be a thing called
the three man drill, and then the two man drill,
and then they got a one man drill.
Speaker 3: So three man weave basketball warm up drill.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah. They were mad because now it just
took less people to do the job. So technology was
and they were mad at the the They were like
demanding the company go back to worse technology essentially so.
Speaker 1: They could like work enough hours to support their families.
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, those those selfish assholes.
Speaker 2: And the company was like, I mean no, no, there
one complaint that was legit about it. Those that they
called the one man drill the widow maker.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, they also use that term for way too
many things.
Speaker 2: The widow Maker is like, there's at least one hundred
different things.
Speaker 1: Little Maker is the like widget of.
Speaker 2: Devices that he'll be dangerous.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it'd be a sweet fight name, like for a boxer.
Speaker 1: Sure, I'm sure they've somebody's used it.
Speaker 3: I don't think so nobody relevant.
Speaker 2: At least didn't we do an episode where the one
Max Bear. Didn't we do an episode with him recently?
He wasn't the central central figure, but the boxer who
like fought in Cinderella Man. He's like the bad guy
in Cinderella Man. Uh. He killed several people in the ring,
or at least one person in the ring, and he
was like very upset about it, but everyone tried to
kind of put that label on him. Widow Maker, Please
do have horrific guilt about this. Please stop. Can't sleep, I.
Speaker 1: Haven't slept, Please stop.
Speaker 2: That goes the Widow Maker, and he's just like.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, God, he's lost all his muscle masks.
He's just fucking so yeah, please looks like shit.
Speaker 2: Uh, But it's actually like the problem with the one
problem with the one Man Drill is that like if
someone did have an accident like on the two man
drill and the three man drill. If there's a spodder, right,
so now there's no.
Speaker 1: Spotterer, so you don't even know when somebody does.
Speaker 2: You find him like three hours later, oh.
Speaker 1: God, when they're like, okay, why why isn't he done yet?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Where if you're incredibly injured, there's no saving you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, oh no. So that was their one problem with it.
But I mean at the end of the day, it
was like, it's better technology. Like I agree with all
the rest of their stuff, but obviously the company is
going to use better Go with.
Speaker 3: The better technology. Fuck human beings. That's the message you're
going to give out to the people here.
Speaker 2: You know what. Then shoot on film and edit with
a razor.
Speaker 3: Would love to, would love to if we had the tech,
if we got tech the money, Yeah, and then bought
the backing, the actual you know, seventy milimeter.
Speaker 1: It's dan just like cutting and pasting.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah. If we did this podcast Christopher Nolan style, like
the episode five views on YouTube.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the episode will be out in a month.
Speaker 1: But man, that color, the composition is wrgeous. It's just
it's just like warm.
Speaker 3: We'll have to do it for the sketches.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we'll shoot on film for the sketches.
Speaker 3: Our first motion picture.
Speaker 2: Maybe. So the man what was the name of this thing?
The Western Federation of Minors got with them and they
began calling for you know, all the like just changing
all the ship that sucked, which is fair enough. The
Keewanaw chapters voted to strike on July twenty third night.
Speaker 1: Wait what did you say, QAnon.
Speaker 2: Keywana Keewanaw like a Native American name.
Speaker 1: Uh. Actually, these guys actually kind of go way back.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they go way there.
Speaker 1: Their influences stretch for than we think.
Speaker 3: So the guy that stormed the capitol with the head dress,
it actually makes sense.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it was like he wasn't appropriating. Give that
guy a break, sim he's just using his culture, setting
his culture exactly.
Speaker 2: So they called strike July twenty third, nineteen thirteen, and
the WFM begins to collect donations and fees from its
members to support the strike. And all the copper country
mines are hit. They're all shut down with the strike.
After the first day of the strike, mobs of strikers
started blocking access to the mines all this stuff. Miners
held daily parades to boost morale and show their strength,
and of course the mine owners went out and a
hired goons and b asked the governor to call in
the National Guard, which they did.
Speaker 1: They call those guys for too much shit they were.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: So the amount of unions or local militias that fought
the US Army, there's numerous, innumerable, like it just doesn't stop. Yeah,
all throughout Appalachia, the Ross Belt.
Speaker 2: There's also just like a lot of people forget, like
militia on militia war former Urans like yeah, just.
Speaker 1: Like the Jets and the fucking like West Side story. Yeah, yeah,
just like or like two friend groups that are mad
at each other.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's like soaps. The famous most famous one, not
football wise, but like American wives would be Bleeding Kansas,
which was Missouri and Kansas probably the Civil.
Speaker 3: War or also after the Revolutionary War. I think Vermont,
yeah wanted to get some Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: No, there's been a lot. But there was another one
the Vermont attacked Massachusetts. I don't know vice versa. It
was something like that. Yeah, I couldn't tell the details
to my head, but you're you are right, that's something
like that happened. Green Mountain Boys or something. I think
they might have been the Revolution, but you are right,
like that happened, like they might have been both.
Speaker 1: At the Ben and Jerry boys, those guys.
Speaker 2: But uh went to state. The the Ohio state Michigan
rivalry started from an intrastate militia war that had nothing
to do with the Civil War. Yeah, it was like
about state boundaries or something like that, like the most
meaningless thing, Like can you imagine taking a musketball to
like have part of Cleveland and Michigan.
Speaker 3: I would fight for Pennsylvania if Jersey got a little.
Speaker 1: Chirpie Jerseys asking for it.
Speaker 3: Beach front property for Pennsylvania.
Speaker 2: How much bigger? Yeah? They really they really Croatia you.
Oh they kept you off the beach completely.
Speaker 3: South Jersey's essentially Philadelphia in New York.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so we should have just kind of come heard
what Veronica calls South Jersey. What you call it the
slower lower.
Speaker 3: The slower lower, she says, she.
Speaker 1: Like she says in high school that her and her
friends would always talk about people from South Jersey and
so that they were dumb. Yeah, I mean film, it's
the slower lower.
Speaker 3: It's we're little brothers.
Speaker 2: Said that to.
Speaker 1: Someone from South Jersey and that wasn't a term they
had ever heard of.
Speaker 2: Oh really, yeah, they keep it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it didn't go well for me. She brings it
up every time I every time she sees me.
Speaker 2: Oh, she's like, she's like, it's me.
Speaker 1: This lower lower And I'm like, good, fucked whatever, sorry,
Like I didn't my people.
Speaker 3: Would go to South Jersey. So that makes sense, yeah,
wild hood.
Speaker 1: And that's why Dan wants to go back to film
fair enough.
Speaker 2: So obviously things get violent, people fight back and forth,
so on and so forth. It's just typical minor union
strike shit, right, Like it's just goons on goons, nothing crazy,
I mean crazy shit, but like nothing out of the ordinary,
I should say. They the mining company was like, we
are not fucking negotiating, Like we are killing this in
the fucking cradle, no fucking way. By August of nineteen thirteen,
most of the mines had enough scabs to keep working.
Speaker 1: Not a very successful strike.
Speaker 2: No not. This strike does not go very well. And
the mine companies are fucking pissed because they don't want
the unions there. So the mine is.
Speaker 3: Such the biggest scab. You would, yeah, you would, I
would undercut everyone.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Uh, my favorite, like.
Speaker 1: I don't have a wife and kids, pay me less
kill me.
Speaker 2: Well, actually, many of these scabs were maybe slaves. Uh.
It was, by the way, nineteen thirteen in America. I
just the thing I read for one of the things
I read for this said some of these workers is
a direct quote. Some of these workers may have been
impressed into service against their will. Mm. I don't know
if they like went to Michigan and were like, you
got any prisoners, Like, did you just have any like
crazy murderers and rapists we can toss in the mind.
Have any Irish? Yeah, do you have any just Irish
Italians that we can exploit? And they also brought in
like immigrant labor and uh, just people from other states
who didn't give a fuck about crossing the picket line
of people they didn't know or care about or whatever.
So the mines are working and the miners who are striking,
the funds from the union are starting to run out,
and they are in essentially like poverty at this point,
like they it's not.
Speaker 1: And they weren't flushed before.
Speaker 2: No, no, they only had Dave and Busters bucks.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, living hand to mouth with Dave and Buster's bucks. Yeah,
it does not prepare you for a strike, but it is.
Speaker 3: A situation where you get like free play for a casino.
Speaker 1: As long as you're seated.
Speaker 2: So with everyone living in poverty, a lot of people
just left there. We can't fucking do this anymore. And
they left for Chicago and Detroit because this is an
industrial center and you know, they're just the jobs.
Speaker 1: There's a factory whatever, right.
Speaker 2: Just find another take your.
Speaker 1: Disease lungs and hurt them more in different conditions.
Speaker 2: But in a city, a walkable city, In a walkable city.
Speaker 3: Pack of smoke, so.
Speaker 2: Everyone's ripping unfiltered heaters, there's everything's powered by coal. You
walk like there's cars now, so you're just crossing the
street and every car is just right in your fucking face,
stepping in horseshit. I don't it might have been better
for you, honestly, horseshit.
Speaker 3: No, the car, the car, The amount of just feces
all throughout the city.
Speaker 1: Yeah, not good.
Speaker 2: In the water, yeah, it gets into the groundwater, it
gets into the water supply like it just naturally it rains,
and all the horseshit just liquefies into horse diarrhea and
runs into the.
Speaker 3: When did human beings decide it's a bad idea to
dump feces and waste into the They.
Speaker 2: Haven't, like, not that long ago happen.
Speaker 1: Some places still have.
Speaker 2: Yeah, in many places they have not really bothered.
Speaker 3: We didn't have a come to Jesus moment in like
the seventeen hundreds.
Speaker 2: No, not then, definitely not. Dude, go look at the Renaissance.
Speaker 1: No, are you kidding?
Speaker 2: Didn't we do an episode on horses something with horses
in New York or something like that where it was
just like the amount of horseshit in the city before
cars got there was like unfathomable.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I think we had to have had the
realization gone backwards, fixed it, and then we just kind
of go back and forth, like angelum, we just stopped
caring after whether or not we dump things into rivers?
Speaker 2: Yeah, and what and what we don't if not ship
then trash. I think we just a b test it constantly.
It's like, all right, shit didn't work, but maybe nuclear
waste will be fun. Yeah. Yeah, and we're getting soft
because of it. Yeah. I mean, COVID wouldn't have ravaged
us two hundred years ago. Better immune systems, you know,
not just kidding. I would have killed like a hundred
million people, but uh it would have been like Spanish
Influenza two point zero.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, easily.
Speaker 2: But uh yeah where they're just like shit. I think
the cars were initially better than having rotting feces all
over your city. Yeah, because the amount of horseship my
children model ts.
Speaker 1: I know, it's such a it looks it's like a
Barbie car. It's like there's like no windship.
Speaker 2: Cunkey as hell. Yeah yeah, but it's still just.
Speaker 1: The exult going like nineteen miles an hour, just.
Speaker 2: Like people dying.
Speaker 3: They're going through their windshields in their class.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the windshields just out of straight pained glass. Car
accidents used to be screwsome.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like, what happened, He's going four miles an hour?
Speaker 2: Was he wearing his seat belt? His? What? Oh? His?
Speaker 1: Was he distracted?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: My grandfather got saved by not wearing a seatbelt in
a car accident. He felt he was like in a
delivery truck with one that didn't have a door, fell
out the door and the steering wheel went through his seat.
So the steering wheel would have went through him if
he didn't fall off a car.
Speaker 2: You don't know, the seat belt wouldn't have stoped that
stop the steering wheel?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like it probably would have. Wouldn't have
I mean sounds like it sounds like the lesson is
don't wear seatbelts.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I wouldn't be here if it was for him
wearing a seatbelt.
Speaker 2: I trust the experts. Seatbelts click at her ticket?
Speaker 3: Yeah, shouldn't that kind of be my choice with my body.
Nobody's in my car. I'm not gonna hurt anyone else but.
Speaker 1: This belt on and then sit on top of it.
Speaker 2: That's true. It's not just your body that has laws
against it, all of our bodies.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they're trying to govern us. They're trying to tell
us what to do. They're taking away our freedoms.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I don't want to fucking click it.
Speaker 2: I don't want to click it. It takes it takes
time away from me.
Speaker 1: Plus and it wrinkles your outfit.
Speaker 2: It does you ever try to put like a seatbelt
on with a suit.
Speaker 3: And they try to bully you. They put that annoying
beep in every new car. Yeah, just click it behind
you as if I'm going to be faced.
Speaker 1: Click it in and lie.
Speaker 3: I drive hours. Put that thing on.
Speaker 2: You just turn the music up.
Speaker 1: Mine's so loud.
Speaker 3: Put on some Ronnie James deal.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Holy Diver. Is that her new bit? Why not?
Are you ready to rock?
Speaker 1: Boys and girls?
Speaker 2: It's a deep cut South Park joke.
Speaker 1: Helen Slackerman got a new career.
Speaker 2: So yeah, it's very similar to the Slager Boys. So
in the winner of nineteen thirteen, strike is going real
bad and the people that are still around have just
no fucking money. Christmas rolls around these people of families,
these people of children, and there's no joy. There's no
joy in their lives.
Speaker 3: Sparks, no joy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so on Christmas.
Speaker 1: Eve, no heat in their lives.
Speaker 2: I mean yeah, I can't imagine they're living in warm
homes at this point. On Christmas Eve of nineteen thirteen,
many of the striking miners and their families were gathered
invited for a holiday party sponsored by the wfm's Ladies Auxiliary.
Speaker 1: Okay, so the people that are not going to work
are invited for a party, come to Okay, that's a
little fishy.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, it's the it's the Union's party, the WFM.
Speaker 1: Okay, oka. Sorry, I thought it was like their bosses.
Speaker 2: No, it's the union, it's the union organization, because.
Speaker 1: They're like it's that they were out of money. What
the fuck?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I guess I got no mine? Is this party?
Essentially though, like the the people running the union and
the Ladies' auxiliary are like they feel bad obviously because
the strike's been going for I think half a year
at this point pretty much. And yeah, morel's low miners
and their families they don't they can't buy presents for
their kids for Christmas. Like there's no they're just they're
just eating cold bread and no presents for Christmas type
of situation. So Annie Clemenc, the union leader and uh
wife of wanting the one of the protesting miners, she
organizes a Christmas party for the striking families and she's
solicited donations from other like other unions and the town
and everything for hats, mittens, toys, fruit, candy, all stuff
for the strikers children's so they could everyone could at
least get one present for Christmas. It was a nice gesture,
like way to stick up for the working man. We're
sorry this hurts so much, and we're sorry they're winning basically.
Speaker 3: One gift, though I'd rather have none.
Speaker 1: No, you wouldn't.
Speaker 2: No, you would wouldn't rather have zero gifts when you
have no Okay, maybe you the bitch ass child. But
the parent has to give their kids something.
Speaker 1: And they don't have a hat, they don't have a
winter hat, and they open their one gift and it's
something that'll keep them alive a little bit long.
Speaker 3: Imagine you get one gift and it sucks.
Speaker 2: Well, like the kid gets a hat and it's like
he's pissed because another kid gets a train, and it's like, no, well,
Timmy got a train, so Timmy's gonna die, yeah, because
Timmy can't stay warm. Now, Timmy's gonna have to burn
that train tonight.
Speaker 1: Timmy's mom is turning tricks, and that's why Timmy got
a train.
Speaker 3: She had a train.
Speaker 1: M Timmy's mom had a train and got Timmy a train.
Speaker 2: Train for train, train for train. Yeah, so you are
what you eat? No?
Speaker 1: Uh close, not quite.
Speaker 3: No, you could eat it, I guess, dick.
Speaker 1: I mean that's not the train.
Speaker 2: Though, that's a spit ros.
Speaker 3: If you have to face you, that's a train.
Speaker 2: Still, yeah, that's a frontal t rain I guess yeah, yeah,
you get a mouth train run on you.
Speaker 1: That passes the place.
Speaker 2: Yeah, passes the train tests the test, Yeah, the train.
Speaker 1: This is the other train experiment, essentially, like.
Speaker 2: There's a guy with an erection laying down on the
bed and everyone's running train on you from one side,
and then someone pulls his winger like it's the lever
on the tracks, and then everyone moves around to the
other side, runs train on the mouth, switches the tracks or.
Speaker 1: What if they all run and it's just like it's
like when you put a baseball card in your bike's Boke's.
Speaker 2: Just like it's just like, good God, just back and forth.
I feel like that would have been a great, uh
form of like torture in the War on Terror.
Speaker 3: Oh, that's just called the car wash.
Speaker 2: Like you just put no, you just take a terrace
like it gets and put it in the smoke of
bikes and then just fucking ride them.
Speaker 1: Oh ouch, that would be good terror. That would be
good torture. Yeah, that sounds torturous.
Speaker 2: You just get Lance Armstrong.
Speaker 1: I'm so gross. Why do I think of this ship?
All right?
Speaker 2: Because you're an Austin commed I'm so gross.
Speaker 1: I know I'm so hack, I kill myself. All right,
Merry Christmas.
Speaker 2: It's all right, we're all hacks here. So there was
free gifts, there was entertainment, There was gonna Santa was
gonna make an appearance. It's gonna be really fun. Over
seven hundred people showed.
Speaker 3: Up to this little shitty Santa.
Speaker 2: Though, what do you mean?
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm sure he was skinny. Times are lean, Yeah,
you know.
Speaker 3: You don't need a skinny Santa. That's how you get
snowballs thrown at Santa as a Philadelphia And I know
it was because Santa, Yeah wasn't It was like my
grandparents' generation for the Eagles game. Santa didn't show up
for halftime for a Christmas game, So they pulled a
guy out of the stands that was dressed in a
really shoddy Santa costume and he was a skinny Santa,
so he got all the snowball but he was.
Speaker 1: Just a guy, like he was just a guy and
enjoying the football game in a in a Santa suit
seasonally relevant costume.
Speaker 2: He was pulled out into the coliseum for tribute Jesus
and they made it rain on him. Yeah, that's all
it was.
Speaker 3: He had a train round.
Speaker 2: It might as well be an ancient room. Yeah, honestly, snowballs. Yikes, yeah, yikes.
They had this party uh at uh like event hall
called Italian Hall and everyone Diego Hall. Dago No, not
just Italian Hall. It wasn't Saint Louis, wasn't Dago Hill,
which we just called the Hill.
Speaker 3: Nowdego Hall's a great name.
Speaker 2: Too, it is. I agree. So everyone's having a great time.
It's a wonderful time. It's good. Things are going as planned,
like kids are getting their gifts, Santa is about to
come out.
Speaker 3: What makes for a good company Christmas party probably an.
Speaker 1: Open open bar, not just beer and wine, liquor liquor,
drunk ours, and then like hot.
Speaker 3: Appetizers you would get at a wedding that you have
like a server walking around with some like crap cake balls.
Speaker 1: H I love a cocktail wiener, like those little mini
mini smokies. I love those. Just yeah, those guys, that's
what you needed.
Speaker 3: At Christmas party. Actually, the Golf Channel Christmas party was
so dope at Bayhill that this giant ice sculpture and
then jumbo shrimph the size of my head.
Speaker 1: Oh, crab, crab, legs, not crab legs, but like that's
what I wanted. Mine is crablegs.
Speaker 2: Already cracked. Are you doing the crack?
Speaker 1: Oh I'm doing the cracking. Okay, I'm getting down. I'm
getting down dirty.
Speaker 2: Nobody ewing out.
Speaker 1: King get a bib, like a branded bib like you know,
blah blah blah. Christmas Party twenty twenty five.
Speaker 3: Yeah you go, Blue crab, though, that's a lot of
work for little meat. You need the king crab.
Speaker 2: That's a winter crab, right, king crab. You get those
in the winter. Now it's in season.
Speaker 1: I'm so hungry. Now stop, I'm dying. I'm gonna eat
the microphone.
Speaker 2: So Santa comes out and he's about to address the children.
In fact, the children were allegedly lining up to go
on stage and receive their presence from Santa. Ho ho ho.
But before Santa could bellow ho ho ho oh no
no no, another voice bellowed fire, oh no, fire.
Speaker 3: Fires to take out so many.
Speaker 1: People, especially back, like everything's would.
Speaker 2: A man in the doorway started screaming that there was
a fire.
Speaker 3: This is a copper town. I don't know if copper
ignites like coal.
Speaker 2: Probably not, but all the buildings. Yeah, all the buildings
are made of wood, and if there is electricity, it's
shitty wiring, and if there's not, it's kerosene lamps everywhere.
So one thing to note about Italian Hall, Like many
buildings of the day, there's really no such thing as
a fire code or any sort.
Speaker 1: Of building code suppression system.
Speaker 2: And one exit. One exit, Oh.
Speaker 1: It's always one yeah, and it's probably not marked.
Speaker 2: Well, they're on the second floor. No, it's unfortunately they
all know where the exit is. It's on the second
floor and it's a narrow stairway down to the first floor.
Hearing the cry of fire, everyone there with their children
and their families.
Speaker 3: I'm sure acted rationally.
Speaker 2: They everyone filed single file orderly. Q. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Everyone got out safe and sound or they lived happily.
Speaker 2: Ever happened.
Speaker 1: That's why we're telling the story.
Speaker 2: All seven hundred people went straight for the narrow staircase
that led down to the first floor.
Speaker 3: But believe or not, I tried to like slide down
the railing.
Speaker 2: You know. I'm sure there was one or two people
at like the first five people got through and they're like,
oh few, huh, we did it. Good timing, Yeah, they're like, look,
how cool.
Speaker 1: That's why it pays to be late. I was just
walking in and.
Speaker 2: Now I was I heard fire and I just got out.
I mean my kidney. But everyone's trying to go down
the stairs.
Speaker 3: Some fucking cool dude just kind of puts his butt
on the railing and slides on down.
Speaker 1: But it's probably a spiral, so you.
Speaker 2: Can only it's I believe it's it was straight. Pretty
sure it was straight. But regardless, not great.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a work out for most.
Speaker 3: In kind of grind like like a fifty to fifty
grind down.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're Marty McFly on. That kid's scooter cracks off
the bottom since is the skateboard now, So all seven
hundred people rush straight for the staircase and things get
cramped fast. Uh Al Harvey, a resident of Calumet, which
was the town that was in was present that night
calum at Michigan. He heard loud cries coming from the
hall blocks away from where he was, and him and
his friend Joe Cattle, who is the chief of police
in Calumet, ran to the hall to help out. He
described the scene. The hallway was jammed clean from the
top to the bottom there. They were jammed in there,
one on top of the other. I've never seen anything
like it.
Speaker 1: So he's watching the from down.
Speaker 2: This human crush from the bottom of the stairs. Another
paper wrote, in less than three minutes they were jammed
and crushed in the hallway being used as a roadway,
over which their companions were vainly endeavoring to escape. The
scene was a horrible one and will never be effaced
from the minds of those who witnessed the terrible tragedy.
So it became an immediate human crush in the stairway.
It's all seven hundred people tried to get down away
from the fire.
Speaker 1: And before they got their Christmas presents.
Speaker 2: Before they got their Christmas presents, Uh, seventy three people
ended up dying.
Speaker 3: Is that better or worse?
Speaker 1: I think it's worse.
Speaker 2: You get your Christmas gift than you die.
Speaker 1: Well, you know, only seventy three died.
Speaker 3: A little bit of a dopamine had.
Speaker 1: Only seventy three died, you know.
Speaker 3: Oh, so you're saying it's the kids that didn't die.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then and then guess what, there's seventy three
more gifts floating around.
Speaker 2: Yeah, fifty nine of them were children of the seventy three.
Oh man, well most of them under ten?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Did they shovel them into quickly?
Speaker 2: Those little they didn't die in the fire. They died
in that because there was no fire. No, they.
Speaker 3: They got trampled on.
Speaker 2: They all got trampled to death on the staircase.
Speaker 1: Friday ass Walmart nineteen ninety nine, scream fire.
Speaker 2: This is alleged there. We'll get to that.
Speaker 1: Oh God, so we'll get to that.
Speaker 2: It seemed, in fact, the only two people who knew
there wasn't a fire was the guy who yelled fire
and the woman who organized it, because she said, miss
uh anna, missus anna willucca uh, there's a lot of
finished people.
Speaker 1: We'll look a here this fucking bitch.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 2: She said, I was certain there is no fire because
we had no candles of any kind. We did not
get candles because we were afraid the children would catch fire.
Speaker 3: Incredibly flammable and so.
Speaker 1: She like really, and like, what a great reason not
to for the children. And then that's mostly who died
is the children?
Speaker 2: Yeah, oh yeah, most it was mostly.
Speaker 1: Children, children under ton yikes.
Speaker 2: So with almost sixty children, most of them under ten dead,
This deeply divided community finally came together like nine to eleven. Yeah, no,
just kidding. Never let a terrible tragedy go to waste.
It was widely believed that the man who yelled fire
was part of the mining company, the Citizens Alliance I
think it was called. They were like kind of the
goons aligned with the mining company.
Speaker 3: It makes sense though, right, So anybody that works at
the copper minds if they have less kids, that's less
of a reason for them to have to go home.
Speaker 2: Yeah, stay in the mines. Well, these guys weren't working
to mind, these are the striking guys. It was more
like fuck you.
Speaker 3: Yeah no, but again they're going to have less leverage.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but then but then their expenses.
Speaker 3: Less mouths to feed.
Speaker 2: Well, when I just go to the mines, you have
live for.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2: I'm not saying you're wrong. So immediately the rumor spread
that the pro mining company people, so one of them
ran in and yelled fire. Uh. Several people claim they
saw the guy wearing a Citizens Alliance badge, including the
WFM president Charles Moyer.
Speaker 3: Because when I commit a crime, I'm gonna wear the
badge for the organization I represent. Yeah, That's what we'd
do in college all the time. We'd scream our fraternity's
name as we did hook that ship.
Speaker 2: You will always wear letters when you go do something
wildly illegal.
Speaker 3: Now, we would always scream rules.
Speaker 1: Theta Kai rules and like and then just runoff.
Speaker 3: Yeah, after we like egged a house or something.
Speaker 2: So while the pro union people were like they fucking
did it, the UH anti union papers, the pro mining
company papers in the area just ran puff piece after
puff piece about how the mining company and the alliance
members were raising a ton of money for the families
of the disaster and how they had showed up immediately
to help uh that there were several rumors from the
union that that after fire was yelled, another group of
pro of this is an alliance, the goons or whatever
held the door shut so no one could get out.
That has not been substantiated. That was just a sort
of vicious rumor that was circulating around.
Speaker 3: Oh, do you think a lot of disasters are actually
caused by multi million dollar corporations? So then they could
get kind of a pr good pr.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Why wouldn't Amazon create hurricanes? I know after Walmart qui
bono a hurricane Walmart.
Speaker 3: And then they help out after the fact they get
that good pr.
Speaker 1: BP spill some oil show your soap taking off the ducks.
Speaker 2: Yeah, oh that's a Don Don causes oil spill.
Speaker 1: Don causes British Patrol.
Speaker 2: Don has a fleet of submarines torpedoing oil tankers just
for the pr Yeah.
Speaker 3: And also so they purchased the product.
Speaker 2: Look into it.
Speaker 1: They do casting for the cutest ducks in the whole
wide world.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, those ducks weren't even in the thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, those those ducks aren't even native to that well lane.
Speaker 2: No, they just find a duckling and dunk it in oil.
Speaker 3: Yeah, why was there a penguin in Louisiana?
Speaker 2: Look anything any it's good press.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's good press. You can you can stain anything
with the oil and clean it up with.
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we sent you. So. It turns out, though, that the
goons the Citizens Alliance did raise twenty five thousand dollars
to aid the families affected by the Italian Hall disaster.
Speaker 1: Yet to wipe their conscious conscience well.
Speaker 2: The head of the Union forbid anyone in the union
from taking this relief money.
Speaker 1: You see it sounds like it okay.
Speaker 2: You won't take their dirty money. So the Citizens Alliance
Relief Committee decided to appeal to Moyer, the head of
the Union, and be like, please let us let them
take your money. We just want to explain the situation.
And the sheriff was like, yeah, he can't come here
to even talk to you because he might get lynched
because people hate him so much. So Cruz eventually has Moyer.
The sheriff eventually has Moyer arranges for a small committee
meeting on December twenty sixth to like talk to these
guys and be like, please let them take your money,
take our money so they can like have something because
you don't have any money. Like that's the thing too,
the union didn't have any money to give them. And
but he was just like, no, don't take their money.
Speaker 1: Fucked up, yeah, which is shitty beggar.
Speaker 2: And this guy's like the rich union head, like it
doesn't affect him. Yeah, he's just like, no, we've got
to stand on principle.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: And these people are like, I can't afford my child's funeral.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So they have the meeting and these guys, the goons
are just like, man, fuck this guy. They shoot Moyer
in the back and beat him and then put him
on a train while he's bleeding, and they're just like,
he just run out of town and put him on
a train bleeding. There's like, get the fuck out.
Speaker 3: It's like, how could we have murdered him. He's already
another town right en route elsewhere.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Now Moyer went to Chicago, got medical treatment, he lived,
he did live. Eventually, historians came to the conclusion that
most likely it was a member of the Citizens Alliance
who did this. However, his intention was obviously not. It
was a goof like it was he was just trying
to fuck up their party. Yeah right, Like he wasn't
trying to kill eighty people. Yeah he was sixty kids.
Speaker 1: He know not what he did.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he was essentially some guy, possibly drunk, who's like,
who they're having their fucking party? Man? Fuck these a
kid even eat any more? Man? Fuck these dickheads.
Speaker 1: And they're like at the bar. He's at the bar
across the street and it's cold and empty.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and he's just just true with his boys. He's like, yeah,
do you do you dare me to go fucking yell
fire in there. It's like yeah, they're like yeah.
Speaker 1: Dude, watching them have a nice time and a warm,
happy watching all the merriment.
Speaker 2: Yeah, just getting pissed. He's like, the fucking kids don't
deserve presents, and you know their parents are dead beats.
Eighty bodies later, fifty nine little kids, fifty nine little Unfortunately,
while doing research for this, I stumbled across the morc
photos and they weren't great. I won't won't show them
to you. But it was a lot of dead kids
with lumpy faces.
Speaker 1: No like oh like like footprints in their flight.
Speaker 2: They were trampled to death.
Speaker 3: I wish it was a grown man that yelled fire
and not several kids in a trench coat stacked on
top of each other.
Speaker 2: You wish it was several kids in a trench coat.
It could have been to I don't think. No, that
is the type. That is the type of prank I
would have pulled as a child and then accidentally.
Speaker 1: Cause it death and actually like it was pretty bad.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then I would have taken that to my
my grave or use it for content like now one
or the other statute limitations is easily up from anything
I did as a child.
Speaker 3: There's a non zero chance you've killed a child?
Speaker 2: What yeah, just playing b count Well No, then I'm good,
and you're good. I think i'm good.
Speaker 3: Something you've written produced maybe somebody like choked from laughing.
Speaker 2: Oh, I thought you were going to say something I
wrote encouraged hazing and.
Speaker 1: Abortion encourager.
Speaker 3: No, No, you could have like haze to get to death.
Speaker 2: Because inspired someone to No, you gave.
Speaker 3: Them the exact recipe. This is how you don't get caught.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I thought, yeah, I should wear that a key
to not getting caught killing your pledge, or like a
list of how not to get caught killing your pledge.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't do it, but if I did, this is
how I would do it.
Speaker 2: So yeah, they believed who was the Steve letho Oh,
shout out Steve Letto. He wrote a book about it,
Death Store, The Truth behind Michigan's Largest Mass Murder, which
seems a little.
Speaker 1: It's a little sensationalist.
Speaker 2: It was a mass manslaughter. Manslaughter murder is not correct,
not remotely. I don't think this was intentional in any way.
Speaker 1: It was published six.
Speaker 2: A lot of the stuff I read was actually kind
of annoying because it was like, I'm not anti union
by any means, but it was like so like overly
sympathetic to the Union, where I was like, it seems
like you're kind of taking one side over the other
here in terms of who you want to believe. Yeah,
my guess is it was some guy who was like,
fuck those guys, I'm going to ruin their party, went
over and ruined it way too good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, a little too much.
Speaker 2: Ruined it, run it r O O n E.
Speaker 3: D und ruined Wayne ruined it.
Speaker 2: So yeah, they weren't. This guy was not trying to
kill eighty people, but he definitely uh I did. Another
theory is that it was just a random junk guy
from a nearby saloon.
Speaker 1: Just like a troublemaker, just like a guy.
Speaker 3: I like to think it was a guardian angel stop
down the mines.
Speaker 2: Uh No, Heaven needed more kids, have needed more angels. Yeah,
it's it's it's almost end of the year. They have
a quota.
Speaker 1: You're like, oh, fuck, we've been slacking.
Speaker 2: We're a little short on angel we're short children. But yeah,
suffice it to say, uh, easily the worst office Christmas
party I've ever heard of.
Speaker 3: First off, there's kids out of Christmas party.
Speaker 2: Yeah, honestly, that sucks.
Speaker 1: What you get, that's what you get get a babysitter.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: If I ever see a child die in a bar, it's.
Speaker 2: Like, well, don't bring you What was the kid doing
in the bar?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: So yeah, really, Dan, I don't blame the company.
Speaker 2: I was. Actually we were at a play date situation
from my kids preschool. The other day at Easy Tiger
on Southamar and they were just running around fucking around.
Like the play area over there, it's like a bunch
of picnic tables where you can eat and ship and
they're a little play area, but they're just run around
all over the place. And my son don't.
Speaker 3: Don't bring your kids though a bakery to.
Speaker 2: A bakery that is also mostly a barker. But they
just my kid and his friends just start eating food
off of random plates that were all over the picnic
table area. And then they also started drinking.
Speaker 3: Well, you don't your kids at all, so I didn't need.
Speaker 2: To that day. If you need to buy, you need
to buy an ounce of food.
Speaker 3: Please help support the podcast. So Rob confetes children.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I have to keep taking them to Easy Tiger
and let ef and just go, okay eat. But they
started drinking out of I couldn't tell if it was
lemonade or Margarita's stop these And I turned to another
parent and I was like, that's not booze, right, and
they're like, yeah, I'm pretty sure it's not booze. And
we're like, all right, it's fine, finals keep talking.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they're in daycare, their immune systems are they're there
it's good for him.
Speaker 3: They're good to get a little whiskey too, or tequila.
That'll help them sleep later.
Speaker 1: I'll make the it'll make the second half of the
day a lot more pleasant.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, this is the end of the day. It's
like six o'clock. So he went Rory went.
Speaker 1: Right sailing into bed.
Speaker 3: Do you put a little whiskey on Sammy's binky for
his My.
Speaker 2: Dad told me he did that to me when I
was teething. He'd put a little bourbon on my gums.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what they did.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I was like, well, Dad, that's why I'm
an alcoholic.
Speaker 1: Probably good to know. Thanks.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've had a taste for it my entire life.
Speaker 1: Apparently I associate pain with alcohol.
Speaker 2: Anytime I feel pain, I have this earn happiness. He
was so happy as a child. Yeah, like you were
just laughed chasing.
Speaker 1: Because he was drunk. Because he was drunk the whole yeh,
just drunk. That's why he doesn't remember his childhood.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you guys all memories of being wand right yeah.
Speaker 3: No, yeah, fuck fuck yeah, the memories they're not in plants.
They're just I was hammered.
Speaker 2: Just the whole time. But yeah, that is a that
is all I got today in the worst office Christmas
party in American history.
Speaker 1: Yeah sounds pretty bad.
Speaker 2: Yeah, sixty children dead.
Speaker 1: That's what you get for bringing your kids, yeah to
the party.
Speaker 3: Speaking as two people without children.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I will say there was uh. I to go
back to Philly Sports. There was that story. It was
like fifteen years ago, I think, and someone was complaining
that his child got puked on at a Phillies game.
And all I could think was, you knew where you were.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what you're doing. Don't bring them here.
Speaker 2: You knew what was going on. And by the way,
like I've been to Marti Gron New Orleans, like onto
cheap seats though by better seats, by better seats. Yeah, stopping.
Are you in the three hundred? There's a certain other
deck level of seats where you you're in the thunderdome
and you need to understand.
Speaker 3: You bring your kids, you got to be down on
a lower level.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, where people have money, dignity.
Speaker 3: Act respectfully and then if they, you know, commit a salt,
you can sue their asses.
Speaker 2: Right, what do you get? What are you getting out
of Jimbo? Nothing? Yeah?
Speaker 3: The fired plumber. It's been out of work for four years.
Speaker 1: He owes his wife so much alimony.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's nothing, there's nothing the milk from that coun Yeah,
it's a dry cow. What you guys learn today? Oh
then don't take your kids to a Christmas.
Speaker 3: Party copper mining an' easy.
Speaker 2: No. And they the union lost like this, you only
hear it's no, the union loses a lot. Yeah, you
tend to lose. You only kind of hear. I don't know.
I don't want to call it like full like propaganda,
but you only kind of hear like the union wins,
but like the union loses.
Speaker 3: Often I hear nothing but bad propaganda against union. It's
typically like, oh, local politics are all run through the
union like a boss tweety type.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, that is true in like the middle of
the sense when union's got real powerful.
Speaker 3: It was definitely it's like how the mafia would rise
to power.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeh yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 1: The firefighters in Austin their union were getting a little
too like they were. They were all over the place
with prop Q being like vote for prop Q, like for.
Speaker 2: A pay raise. I don't even remember.
Speaker 3: I can't believe firefighters get paid. No, here it's a
volunteer position in Ridley in Delco.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because it's a shitty place.
Speaker 3: No, it's uh, people care about their community.
Speaker 1: They can't afford to pay. No, yeah, they get paid here.
Speaker 3: They get like donations.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, and like go around with the fire helmet
brand trips and you get like Delco ass thrown your
way because you're a firefighter.
Speaker 2: But that just leads to alimony, child support.
Speaker 1: I know it costs money to be a firefighter and Delco.
Speaker 2: You're a fucking bomb. Yeah, you have a piece of
shit shit, didn't have a fuck.
Speaker 3: Getting off your forty eight hour shift. Yeah, seeing multiple
debt bodies, it's like peeling people out of car.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you're not.
Speaker 1: And the wife is a nurse and she makes more
money and sees more dead bodies and is like less
of a bitch about it.
Speaker 3: Oh, we've already talked about nurses and how I think
they probably commit the most adultery.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, for sure. My dad cheated on my mom
with so many nurses.
Speaker 2: Hell yeah, but that's but you gotta understand it from there.
Speaker 1: And you've got married a couple of.
Speaker 2: From you gotta understand it from the nurses. POV like
you're not working class, Like you make pretty good money,
but at the same time, like the dating pool in
your workplace, Like you imagine if you're just a rando
making like fine money, but every man in your workplace
is a millionaire. You have a couple options too.
Speaker 3: You could hook up with the guy that restocks the
vended machine, well that's a cafeteria, yeah, front desk security, the.
Speaker 1: Little guy in the pharmacy with soft hands.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you can hook up with the guy that's like
three hundred and fifty pounds sitting at the front desk,
who's supposed to be in charge of keeping you safe
at the hospital.
Speaker 1: The parking lot attendant endless or yeah, or a surgeon.
Speaker 2: I think that every hospital afraid, yeah they are the jocks.
Every hospital afraid of a mass shooting should keep the
hospice on the first floor.
Speaker 3: Has there been mass shootings the hospital they should they
should do that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know, Actually.
Speaker 3: I don't remember, like a famous mass shooting.
Speaker 2: I don't know either. But the hospice should be the
easiest access for a mass shooter.
Speaker 1: Or we should have hospices that are separate. And it's like,
if you feel the need to do a mass shooting.
Speaker 3: Yeah, hospice for a retirement home and.
Speaker 1: Like maybe it's like we group them by life insurance, yeah, bundle,
and it's like it's like Disney World for mass shooters.
So you can you can go and get that itch scratch.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we understand you need to get it out of
your system. Here's a map of the hospices.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like pedophiles and like little Asian women that
look young, you know, like it's like it's a safe
way for them to scratch that itch.
Speaker 2: You know, we don't courage it, but if but if you're.
Speaker 1: Going to do it, we'd rather you do it over here.
Speaker 2: Is it better or.
Speaker 3: Worse that the kids died and not their parents?
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's worse when kids die.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's worse when the kid.
Speaker 3: But if the parents die, then they're just you have
fifty nine orphans.
Speaker 1: And a great musical coming soon. Annie.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a rough and tumble group.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's it's newsies. It's Annie, a bunch of a
group of orphans.
Speaker 2: You're just gonna have fifty nine street kids. It's a
steep staircase in there.
Speaker 3: Crime goes up because they're just pickpocketing everybody.
Speaker 1: And no, there'll be a group of nuns that open
like a little orphanage, and then those kids go on
to be like, you know, doctors and lawyers and engineers.
Speaker 2: No, no podcasters, lobos or podcasters. Ain't no room to
breathe in there. Did we get tramped? They're gonna get sent.
Speaker 1: To the mind Merry Christmas.
Speaker 2: No, it ain't like, oh great, you're an orphan. You're nighing.
Now it's time you pick up a pick axe. It's
time you get in the minds. Yeah, yeah, the copper calls.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're nine. Then your siblings are seven and five,
So get to fucking work.
Speaker 3: Somebody's gotta, you know, pay the bills.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's worse when the kids step the company. It's
worse when kids die.
Speaker 2: I think it's still worse.
Speaker 3: So they can always pop out now back then though
they're popping out, you know, twelve thirteen kids each, You're
not wrong.
Speaker 1: Not so much. At this point. I think I think
that was more of like that was a farming thing.
Speaker 3: I think we are now more connected to our children
than we ever were before.
Speaker 1: Working moms today spend more time with their kids than
stay at home moms did.
Speaker 3: Dads of our generation actually raise their kids, know how
to change a diaper, actually are around their kids.
Speaker 1: Even though they have a drinking problem. And we love
you for that, Rob.
Speaker 2: I think it helps the fothering if anything.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it does make you a little bit more, have
a better sense of humor.
Speaker 2: You understand how much angry I would I told you
this before we got out of air. I didn't tell Dan.
But do you understand how much angrier I would have
been at that pizza place tonight when they're being a
little fox if I had wasn't drinking a PIRONI.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it would be worse.
Speaker 3: It's actually better for their development and character if you
just leave them alone, like until they're full ground adults. Yeah,
as a father, you need to just not interact with
them or praise them or yeah.
Speaker 2: Actually did catch a It's like an Instagram slide show,
like why you shouldn't play with your kids so much?
Speaker 1: I do agree. I'm like listen, like I'll hang out,
but like, I don't want to play your made up game.
Speaker 3: You're not your kid's friend.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I agree with that, but they're also like, go
play it helps their independent play blah blah, And I
was like, that's all I need to hear.
Speaker 1: Yep, that's that's what we can do.
Speaker 2: Getting back on my phone.
Speaker 1: Thanks, doctor Spots.
Speaker 3: You got to put a chip on your child's shoulder.
Speaker 2: Yeah, needs to prove something.
Speaker 1: Yeah, give them, give them a sense of humor, give
him personality, yeah, give them life.
Speaker 3: Ultimately, you want him to kill you one day, all.
Speaker 2: Right, Dan, he needs a Usually it's just a plug pole,
but yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like a boy named.
Speaker 1: Suit situation, a mass shooting situation.
Speaker 3: At my hospital, mass shooting at the hospital. We hunt
like you interact with each other. You come across each other.
Thirty years later at a bar, you get into a
bit of a scuff. He bested you. Finally you're like
sixty or seventy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I'll be pushing seventy in thirty years.
Speaker 3: But like you give them everything, You give them everything
business and leave them stars and.
Speaker 2: Then die bleeding on the ground of a bar, but.
Speaker 3: With a smile on your face because your son best
he did it.
Speaker 2: He did it.
Speaker 3: He's like you finally proved your man, saying that's my boy.
You finally acknowledge him as your son.
Speaker 2: You are my son, you are, But he doesn't want it.
Speaker 3: At that point, the Star Wars pretty much taught us.
Speaker 2: That, Yeah, who's today's hitler?
Speaker 1: This alcoholic? If I just couldn't leave well enough alone,
play darts and darts, playpool, get a hooker, do something else.
Speaker 3: Anyone that brought their child to a Christmas party also
that or a bar, or anywhere it shouldn't.
Speaker 1: Be honestly, keep them at home, give him at home.
Speaker 2: We'll just show up, get drunk and take their presents
home to them. In fact, if anything, the party was
demonstrating that your parents are not getting you these presents.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and dad don't love you, because if they loved you,
they'd work harder and give you something.
Speaker 3: So Santa doesn't even going to your individual home.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, Stana has beef with mommy and daddy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well you don't have a chimney or even a home,
so you're gonna have to We have to do it
buffet style here, kids, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: Line up doesn't matter, what size, doesn't matter, what color?
Speaker 3: You a white elephant though, where you can steal the
other kid's.
Speaker 1: Gift, I'm sure there's some trading happening.
Speaker 2: There's some trades almost well, there would have been, but
there wasn't because they died.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, although if the gifts don't you know, if they
don't get scooped up, the children that did survive, they
get more gifts.
Speaker 1: That's what I said. Yeah, there's fifty nine extra gifts
running around. How are we going to distribute equally? Time
to Let's let's start a contest.
Speaker 3: I mean, if you're a tough child, it's a great
quick it's a great place to be.
Speaker 1: We're tall.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I would have died or slow.
Speaker 3: Right, if you were slow, if you were behind everybody
else you survived.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I guess if you were last, or if your
first or last, you're fine. It's only it's all middle players.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you got to think too. There's some ore irony
in this where probably there was someone who wanted to die,
like a miner who just couldn't take it anymore. He's
like fire, good, let it consume me. And he's the
one who lived.
Speaker 1: And yeah, because he was like, no, let's let everybody
who wants to live go.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like I can't. I don't want to be alive anymore.
This has been the worst six months of my life. Yeah,
it's like, what do you mean there's so fire, take me,
take me.
Speaker 1: That's the thing. It's like you your punishment is always living.
Speaker 2: Longer, right, you will live. Well that's all I got
for today.
Speaker 1: Horrible story as usual, Rob, Yeah, thank you so much, appreciate.
Speaker 2: It's the holiday season. Yeah, so this is Christmas, dude.
Speaker 3: We could probably come up with a Christmas album just
going through a lot of the songs. In the last
week or so. They really mailed in the Beach Boys specifically.
Oh yeah, it's the little saying news.
Speaker 2: They just rewrote one of their songs.
Speaker 3: But all the I did was the lyric is literally
Christmas comes each time this year. Yeah, yeah it does.
That's how calendars were yep.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, they didn't try hard about what about all that?
Speaker 1: Just the bird, the bird for it who just keeps
gifting larger and larger numbers of birds for calling birds,
And then like yeah, hens, and then there's like.
Speaker 2: Those are good gifts back in the day though, when
that's always written, that's a that's a solid gift. Now
it's a nightmare.
Speaker 3: There's so many birds you don't want to they're all
going to outlive you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the birds, the birds live forever all over you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you'll just die from avian flu and then they'll
outlive you. Well that's all I got for today on
the worst Christmas party in the history. Yeah, we know.
Speaker 3: Did you are terrible at closing episodes? Gabby? Where can
the people find you?
Speaker 1: At gab Monty everywhere? And uh, I'm not doing anything lately, so.
Speaker 3: Appreciate you're one of our sketches.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you can find her on our Instagram.
Speaker 1: All I've been working on lately is stuff you guys
have me too, you don't have I'm chilling. I've been chilling.
Speaker 3: A tight five coming up I will.
Speaker 1: Soon in the next year, next in the new year.
Speaker 2: I feel like you got plenty of material.
Speaker 1: I have so much material, I just don't have a
lot of wherewithal a lot.
Speaker 3: A lot of will also check us out on Patreon,
Patreon dot com, Slash Software History two additional episodes Wednesday
and Friday on the five dollars tier, and then we
have an upper tier where you get a sports show
every week and additional content. Yeah for the bloopers and
all the behind the scenes stuff for the sketches on
that tier.
Speaker 2: Coop sounds good. Check that out.
Speaker 3: Make sure to follow us on YouTube and Instagram software history.
It should be easy to find. And yeah, for Rob Gabby,
I'm Dan and you just got a software