WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.120 --> 00:00:09.720 This is pod Popular podcast for the people, the Great 2 00:00:10.080 --> 00:00:10.759 Love Debate. 3 00:00:11.640 --> 00:00:16.920 It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. It's 4 00:00:16.920 --> 00:00:21.480 a great loved base. Hi again everyone, it's Brian Howie. 5 00:00:21.559 --> 00:00:25.800 Welcome to The Great Love Debate, the world's number one 6 00:00:26.000 --> 00:00:29.320 dating and relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I am in 7 00:00:29.440 --> 00:00:32.520 the very fine studios of Pod Popular. I am at 8 00:00:32.520 --> 00:00:35.600 the one in Scottsdale, Arizona. And as I told you, 9 00:00:35.640 --> 00:00:40.520 Scottsdale is an old term for bottomless mimosis. That's the 10 00:00:40.560 --> 00:00:44.439 etymology of the word Scottsdale. Somebody asked me a few 11 00:00:44.520 --> 00:00:46.479 days ago. And it's amazing how many of these shows 12 00:00:46.520 --> 00:00:48.359 I start with somebody asked me the other day. 13 00:00:48.399 --> 00:00:50.399 But they do. And that's how things get triggered in 14 00:00:50.439 --> 00:00:54.439 my head, because every great idea. 15 00:00:54.200 --> 00:00:58.000 And every sort of great thing in every conversation or 16 00:00:58.119 --> 00:01:01.280 relationship starts that way with somebody asking something. 17 00:01:01.439 --> 00:01:06.120 Somebody starts with a question, how are you? Who are you? 18 00:01:06.840 --> 00:01:08.799 Will you go out with me? Will you marry me? 19 00:01:09.680 --> 00:01:11.120 Do you want this man to be your lawfully? What 20 00:01:11.239 --> 00:01:14.120 a husband? All of them, they're all questions, and they're 21 00:01:14.159 --> 00:01:16.079 all something that you can sort of look at as 22 00:01:16.400 --> 00:01:19.480 as a starting point. And what that starting point is 23 00:01:19.519 --> 00:01:21.400 and where it leads I don't know, but you always 24 00:01:21.400 --> 00:01:23.319 got to start somewhere. 25 00:01:24.159 --> 00:01:25.640 So back to this starting point again. 26 00:01:25.680 --> 00:01:28.280 Somebody asked me, they go, you say a lot of 27 00:01:28.280 --> 00:01:33.159 the same things over and over. Do you believe all 28 00:01:33.200 --> 00:01:34.959 of those things? They might have said that, or they 29 00:01:35.000 --> 00:01:36.239 might have sayd do you still. 30 00:01:35.959 --> 00:01:36.879 Believe all of those things? 31 00:01:36.879 --> 00:01:38.319 Because they're like, well, at some point you must have 32 00:01:38.359 --> 00:01:41.239 believed it, or he said it, I don't know, but 33 00:01:42.319 --> 00:01:44.200 did you still the things you say over and over 34 00:01:44.359 --> 00:01:45.680 sort of the tenets of this show? 35 00:01:45.719 --> 00:01:46.159 Do you believe it? 36 00:01:46.159 --> 00:01:49.359 And I said, of course, I answer that question with 37 00:01:49.400 --> 00:01:52.280 a question. I was probably defensively. I said, like, what, like, 38 00:01:52.400 --> 00:01:54.519 what do I say that you think I don't believe? 39 00:01:54.519 --> 00:01:56.879 And they said, well, we know you always say that 40 00:01:56.920 --> 00:01:59.079 women look for red flags and men look for green lights. 41 00:01:59.079 --> 00:02:00.400 Do you believe that to be true? And I said, 42 00:02:00.439 --> 00:02:03.519 absolutely absolutely, I believe that's true, probably more than ever. 43 00:02:04.920 --> 00:02:07.680 And then they said you say something like and they 44 00:02:07.840 --> 00:02:10.680 paraphrased me wrong and don't if you're gonna quote me, 45 00:02:11.120 --> 00:02:14.080 get it right. And they said, you say women want 46 00:02:14.080 --> 00:02:15.639 the men to try harder, men want the women to 47 00:02:15.680 --> 00:02:17.759 make it easier. Do you still believe that? And I said, 48 00:02:17.800 --> 00:02:22.919 I do absolutely, more than ever. And then they said, 49 00:02:23.439 --> 00:02:27.319 do you believe that being asked why you are still 50 00:02:27.360 --> 00:02:31.439 why are you still single? Is a compliment? Why are 51 00:02:31.439 --> 00:02:34.199 you still single? Is that a compliment? Yes? I said, 52 00:02:34.240 --> 00:02:36.840 I said absolutely, for sure, there's no doubt that it is. 53 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:40.680 If you're insecure about your own sort of single status 54 00:02:40.719 --> 00:02:44.840 and you don't like any inquiries about that, that's your problem. 55 00:02:44.840 --> 00:02:50.000 But the question itself, it comes from a place that 56 00:02:50.240 --> 00:02:53.159 there's actually a referendum on your desirability and you should 57 00:02:53.199 --> 00:02:55.599 embrace it as such. They don't ask why are you 58 00:02:55.639 --> 00:02:57.879 still single to people who don't seem attractive to date? 59 00:02:58.520 --> 00:03:01.719 They don't so own it, accept it, deal with it, 60 00:03:01.840 --> 00:03:05.199 and thank the person who asks it. But next on 61 00:03:05.240 --> 00:03:09.159 their list, and they actually had a list. They got 62 00:03:09.159 --> 00:03:10.960 some of them wrong, but they had like this list 63 00:03:11.039 --> 00:03:13.840 of things that they have heard me say more than once. 64 00:03:15.199 --> 00:03:17.319 And I say, and I always say this at our 65 00:03:17.360 --> 00:03:19.759 live shows. I say, it's never that you haven't met 66 00:03:19.759 --> 00:03:22.479 the right person, it's always that you haven't been the 67 00:03:22.560 --> 00:03:25.280 right person. So they asked me if I still believe 68 00:03:25.319 --> 00:03:27.280 that or if I do believe that? And then I 69 00:03:27.319 --> 00:03:31.759 said ugh, and here's why. 70 00:03:32.080 --> 00:03:32.439 So I. 71 00:03:33.960 --> 00:03:36.560 Say it all the time, and I still believe ninety 72 00:03:36.639 --> 00:03:39.639 eight percent of the time that's true. And when I 73 00:03:39.639 --> 00:03:42.159 say it at our live shows, there's always a reaction 74 00:03:42.360 --> 00:03:45.000 to it that people don't like to hear that because 75 00:03:45.000 --> 00:03:49.560 it puts the burden of their relationship status or lack thereof. 76 00:03:49.560 --> 00:03:52.639 It puts it on them, and people don't ever want 77 00:03:52.680 --> 00:03:55.919 to take responsibility, even though if you take responsibility, that 78 00:03:55.960 --> 00:03:57.919 means you're in somewhat in control of the outcome, and 79 00:03:57.919 --> 00:04:00.000 being in control of the outcome is probably the best 80 00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:02.360 waited to get into a relationship or to be in 81 00:04:02.360 --> 00:04:06.080 a relationship. But a few years ago I did make 82 00:04:06.120 --> 00:04:08.520 a change to that, and it was subtle and people 83 00:04:08.599 --> 00:04:12.439 might not notice the difference, but I added an almost, 84 00:04:13.039 --> 00:04:14.199 I added an exception. 85 00:04:15.639 --> 00:04:18.680 So now it's almost always that you haven't. 86 00:04:18.399 --> 00:04:20.600 Been the right person, and that doesn't sound as good, 87 00:04:21.000 --> 00:04:23.120 and I don't like that it's like that and it's 88 00:04:23.160 --> 00:04:26.079 not as catchy. I love big blanket statements, I love 89 00:04:26.160 --> 00:04:27.600 wild generalizations, that's. 90 00:04:27.519 --> 00:04:28.720 What we do here at the Great Love Debate. 91 00:04:29.800 --> 00:04:32.279 But by adding the almost, it's a little more accurate. 92 00:04:32.399 --> 00:04:34.360 So what made me change that, Well, I did a 93 00:04:34.360 --> 00:04:38.600 show in Charlotte, North Carolina a couple years ago, and 94 00:04:39.120 --> 00:04:42.920 a woman at that show came up to me afterwards 95 00:04:43.000 --> 00:04:45.839 when it was over, and she said she just looked 96 00:04:45.839 --> 00:04:47.560 at me, and she goes, that wasn't true for me. 97 00:04:48.560 --> 00:04:50.480 And I said, what, which part of the show wasn't 98 00:04:50.480 --> 00:04:52.720 true for you? And she said that I hadn't been 99 00:04:52.759 --> 00:04:58.480 the right person, and so I said, well, what happened? 100 00:04:59.639 --> 00:05:02.360 And she looked at me very seriously, and she said, 101 00:05:03.399 --> 00:05:08.120 I bet on the wrong horse. And when she said that, 102 00:05:08.439 --> 00:05:08.959 I was like. 103 00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:09.399 You know what. 104 00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:14.000 I knew exactly what she met by that, because I 105 00:05:14.000 --> 00:05:16.319 am a horse racing fan and I'm a gambler, and 106 00:05:16.759 --> 00:05:20.480 I like the way that she said an analogy that 107 00:05:20.720 --> 00:05:22.240 I completely understood. 108 00:05:22.279 --> 00:05:23.160 I knew what she meant. 109 00:05:23.680 --> 00:05:27.639 And I felt terrible for overlooking that exception, because it 110 00:05:27.759 --> 00:05:28.560 is real. 111 00:05:29.560 --> 00:05:30.399 It's a real thing. 112 00:05:31.120 --> 00:05:34.519 You put all your eggs in a broken basket that 113 00:05:34.560 --> 00:05:37.240 you may or may not be aware that it's broken, 114 00:05:37.399 --> 00:05:39.480 and sometimes years go by, and I have been the 115 00:05:39.560 --> 00:05:44.319 broken basket many times. I felt like someone I dated 116 00:05:44.439 --> 00:05:46.560 bet on the wrong horse, and that horse was me, 117 00:05:46.759 --> 00:05:48.639 and they kept waiting for me to get it or 118 00:05:48.720 --> 00:05:52.000 wake up or understand or change in some way. And 119 00:05:52.040 --> 00:05:54.680 you can say about anything and any relationship you know, 120 00:05:54.720 --> 00:05:57.160 whether it's working or not, well, that's dating, and that's 121 00:05:57.199 --> 00:05:59.720 the luck of the draw. And that is true. But 122 00:05:59.759 --> 00:06:03.600 there's there's one exception to that, and it really hits 123 00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:06.360 harder for a certain group of people, and a certain 124 00:06:06.360 --> 00:06:08.920 group of people happens to be a giant percentage of 125 00:06:08.959 --> 00:06:11.879 the people who listen to this show. Lots of you 126 00:06:11.959 --> 00:06:13.759 listening to this are going to fall into this category 127 00:06:13.800 --> 00:06:14.959 of what we're going to talk about in the next 128 00:06:15.000 --> 00:06:17.639 couple of minutes. If you bet on the wrong horse 129 00:06:17.639 --> 00:06:22.600 in your twenties, that's part of life experiences. Probably shouldn't 130 00:06:22.600 --> 00:06:23.879 be getting on a too long a ride in your 131 00:06:23.879 --> 00:06:26.480 twenties anyway, But if you bet on the wrong horse 132 00:06:26.560 --> 00:06:30.639 in your thirties, especially if you're a woman, it can 133 00:06:30.680 --> 00:06:37.399 be life changing and it can be fate altering, and 134 00:06:37.759 --> 00:06:40.279 it can be crushing. And so let me explain that 135 00:06:40.360 --> 00:06:43.079 a little bit. So if you're a woman and you 136 00:06:43.120 --> 00:06:48.680 get into a relationship with a guy at say thirty three, 137 00:06:51.160 --> 00:06:53.560 you really have to get it right if you are 138 00:06:53.600 --> 00:06:56.920 going down the road with this, because if he is 139 00:06:56.959 --> 00:06:59.720 not the right herd horse, you better get off that horse. 140 00:06:59.759 --> 00:07:02.639 Because if you start out at thirty three and three 141 00:07:02.959 --> 00:07:05.959 four five years go by and you haven't gotten married, 142 00:07:06.040 --> 00:07:07.560 or the relationship isn't where you want it to be, 143 00:07:07.639 --> 00:07:09.959 and you haven't started that family, and you just haven't 144 00:07:10.000 --> 00:07:12.240 gotten to the place of the happily ever after, and 145 00:07:12.279 --> 00:07:15.759 you come out of that relationship at thirty seven, thirty eight, 146 00:07:15.879 --> 00:07:20.040 thirty nine, that is an entirely different and entirely more 147 00:07:20.120 --> 00:07:21.199 difficult place to be. 148 00:07:21.439 --> 00:07:22.920 If you want all the things you. 149 00:07:22.839 --> 00:07:26.399 Wanted at thirty three, you do that at twenty three, 150 00:07:26.399 --> 00:07:28.560 and you come out of at twenty seven, it's the same. 151 00:07:28.720 --> 00:07:30.879 It's essentially the same. You come out of it at 152 00:07:30.879 --> 00:07:32.399 fifty three and you come out of fifty seven, it's 153 00:07:32.439 --> 00:07:35.279 essentially the same. But thirty three and thirty seven is 154 00:07:35.360 --> 00:07:38.079 wildly different. And I had one of those relationships. I 155 00:07:38.120 --> 00:07:41.759 think I actually had two two relationships where I gobbled 156 00:07:41.800 --> 00:07:48.519 up chunks of somebody's thirties. And that's not really my fault. 157 00:07:48.839 --> 00:07:50.759 You know, I was who I was. But they bet 158 00:07:50.800 --> 00:07:52.399 on the raw on the horse, they bet on the 159 00:07:52.399 --> 00:07:54.360 Howie horse to be the right one that was going 160 00:07:54.439 --> 00:07:56.120 to go fifty years with them or go to the 161 00:07:56.120 --> 00:07:59.160 place they wanted to go. And maybe I wasn't emotionally 162 00:07:59.160 --> 00:08:01.199 capable at that time, or maybe I was just fine 163 00:08:01.240 --> 00:08:04.519 in a you know, B minus relationship, or I wasn't 164 00:08:04.639 --> 00:08:07.319 as serious about things, but they kept thinking that this 165 00:08:07.600 --> 00:08:12.120 was the horse, and you know, I wasn't who I wasn't, 166 00:08:13.519 --> 00:08:13.879 I don't know. 167 00:08:14.399 --> 00:08:15.759 Didn't work out. 168 00:08:17.480 --> 00:08:20.120 And this is always such a delicate conversation on this podcast, 169 00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:21.920 and I don't bring it up that often, even though 170 00:08:21.959 --> 00:08:24.199 it's really important because, like I said, as a really 171 00:08:24.199 --> 00:08:26.680 big percentage of the audience who tends to put blinders 172 00:08:26.720 --> 00:08:30.360 on and not pay attention to this. But it's deeply 173 00:08:30.439 --> 00:08:34.480 personal and a deeply treacherous area to get into. I 174 00:08:34.480 --> 00:08:36.000 don't want to hear about what you read in your 175 00:08:36.519 --> 00:08:40.000 egg freezing pamphlet. I don't want to hear about it. 176 00:08:40.480 --> 00:08:42.159 And I don't want to hear about the outlier of 177 00:08:42.200 --> 00:08:43.960 the woman in your pilates class. 178 00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:45.320 Who had twins at forty six, Like I. 179 00:08:45.320 --> 00:08:50.240 Don't want to hear about it, because you're using outliers 180 00:08:50.360 --> 00:08:55.879 to choose your dating path, and that's not a wise idea. 181 00:08:56.120 --> 00:08:59.120 We talked about the generalizations earlier. The generalizations are because 182 00:08:59.120 --> 00:09:00.639 it is a numbers game and you got to play 183 00:09:00.639 --> 00:09:04.320 the odds, just like horse racing. So and I don't 184 00:09:04.320 --> 00:09:05.720 want to hear about pilates at all when it comes 185 00:09:05.759 --> 00:09:07.360 to this, because we had somebody on this podcast about 186 00:09:07.399 --> 00:09:09.360 six years ago and she's like, I'm fine, I can 187 00:09:09.399 --> 00:09:12.360 have kids in my forties because I do I do pilates. 188 00:09:13.120 --> 00:09:15.840 And she's like, I'm like, your insides don't always match 189 00:09:15.840 --> 00:09:19.320 your outsides in terms of science and aging and fertility 190 00:09:19.360 --> 00:09:21.919 and all that kind of stuff. There is a lifetime 191 00:09:21.960 --> 00:09:26.039 of difference between thirty three and thirty seven with what 192 00:09:26.080 --> 00:09:28.440 we are talking about. And I know you guys know 193 00:09:28.480 --> 00:09:31.799 what we are talking about. Even the options in the 194 00:09:31.879 --> 00:09:38.120 dating pool get way, way smaller. If he's thirty seven 195 00:09:38.159 --> 00:09:40.360 and you're thirty seven. If he doesn't want kids or 196 00:09:40.360 --> 00:09:44.120 he already has them, you're probably a bit too young 197 00:09:44.360 --> 00:09:47.320 because you still probably have a kid. And if he 198 00:09:47.320 --> 00:09:49.919 doesn't want kids, if he does want kids, I mean, 199 00:09:51.000 --> 00:09:53.960 you're in a position where you're not gonna have three. 200 00:09:54.240 --> 00:09:57.720 You just not and possibly not even one or two. 201 00:09:58.039 --> 00:10:00.320 And that's that's harsh. And people get mad when I 202 00:10:00.360 --> 00:10:01.039 say that, but that's. 203 00:10:00.919 --> 00:10:02.200 A real thing. It is. 204 00:10:03.840 --> 00:10:07.799 But this whole discussion that I'm having here, it's not 205 00:10:07.840 --> 00:10:10.399 about fertility as much. It's about choices, and anyone can 206 00:10:10.399 --> 00:10:13.720 make the choice to go all in with someone because 207 00:10:13.759 --> 00:10:17.480 you're betting on the pot of gold. If it works out, 208 00:10:17.600 --> 00:10:20.480 that's the upside, and it isn't your fault if it 209 00:10:20.519 --> 00:10:23.440 doesn't work out. And it wasn't wrong for you to 210 00:10:23.480 --> 00:10:27.399 believe with this person in the magic and the possibility 211 00:10:27.639 --> 00:10:30.879 and ultimately the outcome, and it wasn't out of the 212 00:10:30.919 --> 00:10:35.000 scope of reason to think that you were right and 213 00:10:35.120 --> 00:10:39.200 it was right and he was right. And if I'm 214 00:10:39.200 --> 00:10:44.360 saying that, saying he I lost my train of thought 215 00:10:44.399 --> 00:10:48.440 and all that because I'm saying that if he's it, 216 00:10:48.519 --> 00:10:51.480 because it doesn't isn't much a big deal for the guys. 217 00:10:52.320 --> 00:10:55.840 That's why I'm saying that he it just isn't. Sorry, 218 00:10:56.080 --> 00:10:59.639 age doesn't matter nearly as much, and that probably is unfair, 219 00:10:59.679 --> 00:11:01.799 but it's I'm fair to pretend that isn't the reality. 220 00:11:01.840 --> 00:11:06.840 You're being unfair to yourself and to learn how to 221 00:11:06.879 --> 00:11:09.799 do the to kind of deal with reality and avoid 222 00:11:09.799 --> 00:11:12.879 the painful pitfoollfalls of a four or five year situation 223 00:11:12.960 --> 00:11:16.960 that doesn't work out. You got to decide earlier if 224 00:11:17.039 --> 00:11:20.159 he wasn't ready or he's not ready with you. You got 225 00:11:20.159 --> 00:11:24.279 to get off the horse, or kick him, or train him, 226 00:11:24.919 --> 00:11:27.279 or speed him up, whatever it takes. You can't dick 227 00:11:27.320 --> 00:11:29.039 around waiting for him to learn how to be the 228 00:11:29.120 --> 00:11:34.399 right horse. It's your responsibility to recognize the signs. Who knows, 229 00:11:34.559 --> 00:11:41.039 maybe maybe not. I don't know. So we're gonna explore 230 00:11:41.080 --> 00:11:44.159 this a little bit more. Sorry, it's not as fun 231 00:11:44.200 --> 00:11:46.039 a topic as we normally get into around here, but 232 00:11:46.440 --> 00:11:47.960 we got to earn the gambling money, so I got 233 00:11:48.000 --> 00:11:50.639 to take a quick break, and we will be back 234 00:11:50.840 --> 00:11:58.320 right after this, and we. 235 00:11:58.240 --> 00:12:02.039 Are back to talk about literal horses. 236 00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:04.720 As I said earlier, I'm a huge horse racing fan, 237 00:12:05.879 --> 00:12:08.720 so forgive the metaphors, but all the bloodlines and the 238 00:12:08.720 --> 00:12:11.559 breeding and the talent and the development in the world. 239 00:12:12.159 --> 00:12:14.159 The horse acts the part, he looks the part. 240 00:12:14.679 --> 00:12:17.679 Maybe he just can't run. That happens. 241 00:12:18.200 --> 00:12:22.320 There was a Kentucky Derby Winner war emblem. He won 242 00:12:22.320 --> 00:12:24.360 the Derby like in like two thousand and two. It's 243 00:12:24.399 --> 00:12:26.360 a shame that I know this. It's sad that I 244 00:12:26.440 --> 00:12:29.840 know this turned out to be a gay horse. He 245 00:12:29.960 --> 00:12:33.039 was gay, so they spent a lot of money on 246 00:12:33.080 --> 00:12:35.159 the can't test for that. They spent a lot of 247 00:12:35.200 --> 00:12:37.759 money on the breeding rights, and they just could not 248 00:12:38.120 --> 00:12:40.559 get him excited around the mares. 249 00:12:40.840 --> 00:12:41.720 They just couldn't. 250 00:12:41.840 --> 00:12:44.559 And you know, people paid a lot of money to 251 00:12:44.600 --> 00:12:47.120 try and breed this horse and breed with this horse, 252 00:12:47.360 --> 00:12:48.720 and he just didn't like the ladies. 253 00:12:49.639 --> 00:12:50.039 Sorry. 254 00:12:50.279 --> 00:12:52.679 So he had all the breeding, and he had the bloodlines, 255 00:12:52.720 --> 00:12:54.399 and he had the talent, and he had all of 256 00:12:54.440 --> 00:12:56.799 it and this didn't work out. 257 00:12:56.840 --> 00:12:58.240 So somebody lost a lot of money. 258 00:12:58.039 --> 00:13:01.200 Because he was a gay horse, which is fine, but 259 00:13:01.240 --> 00:13:04.080 they didn't care about him having a good relationship with 260 00:13:04.080 --> 00:13:05.879 a stallion. They wanted him to breed with the bears 261 00:13:05.879 --> 00:13:08.600 and it didn't work out. So sometimes they can't run, 262 00:13:08.720 --> 00:13:11.480 or they can't run far or fast, and that's not 263 00:13:11.559 --> 00:13:16.600 the fault of the owner or the trainer or the jockey. 264 00:13:16.679 --> 00:13:18.879 They just couldn't see it, you know. 265 00:13:19.799 --> 00:13:22.559 Or maybe they could, or maybe they wanted it to 266 00:13:22.600 --> 00:13:24.799 work out so bad because they had so much invested 267 00:13:24.840 --> 00:13:28.200 in it that they overlook the things that probably could 268 00:13:28.240 --> 00:13:31.120 have shown up. Because once you've sunk an investment into it, 269 00:13:31.159 --> 00:13:33.120 whether you paid money for this or you put time 270 00:13:33.120 --> 00:13:36.960 into the relationship, then you tend to either overlook or 271 00:13:37.000 --> 00:13:38.879 blur the things that are important that are going to 272 00:13:38.919 --> 00:13:40.519 make you make a decision that you really don't want 273 00:13:40.519 --> 00:13:43.279 to make, which is, I don't want to do this anymore, 274 00:13:43.399 --> 00:13:45.000 I can't or this is not going the way I 275 00:13:45.039 --> 00:13:47.440 want to go. And the more time and the more 276 00:13:47.519 --> 00:13:49.360 effort and the more money and the resources you put 277 00:13:49.360 --> 00:13:51.039 into it, the less likely you want to have that 278 00:13:51.080 --> 00:13:56.919 conversation with yourself much less the other person. So you know, 279 00:13:56.960 --> 00:13:59.039 you're kind of saying that you didn't see what you 280 00:13:59.039 --> 00:14:03.559 didn't want to see, or are you saying that there 281 00:14:03.600 --> 00:14:05.679 was absolutely no way to see what you were, what 282 00:14:05.840 --> 00:14:07.600 they were, or what they could be, or you were 283 00:14:07.600 --> 00:14:10.320 too deep into it, you know, except just go for it. 284 00:14:10.360 --> 00:14:11.679 And I think that's what that woman was saying to 285 00:14:11.720 --> 00:14:14.080 me and Charlotte, like there was no way I could 286 00:14:14.080 --> 00:14:16.559 see it and at some point like I just had 287 00:14:16.559 --> 00:14:18.440 to go down this road and hope it works out, 288 00:14:18.480 --> 00:14:22.679 which is, you know, life is about ROI. It's not 289 00:14:22.720 --> 00:14:27.039 a sunk cost, it's not you know, diminishing returns. It's 290 00:14:27.080 --> 00:14:30.600 the need for a payoff. Every time you go out 291 00:14:30.600 --> 00:14:33.679 with somebody the first time, the tenth time a lifetime, 292 00:14:33.720 --> 00:14:37.759 you are looking for a payoff and that's hard for 293 00:14:37.799 --> 00:14:41.120 everyone to see and do in a moment, much less 294 00:14:41.159 --> 00:14:45.000 a month or a year or an entire relationship. So 295 00:14:45.080 --> 00:14:47.480 we can't tell you to go for it at the 296 00:14:47.519 --> 00:14:49.399 Great Love Debate and then constantly tell you to be 297 00:14:49.440 --> 00:14:52.000 looking for a way out. That's a really really hard 298 00:14:52.039 --> 00:14:54.360 way to date. You can't sort of play it halfway. 299 00:14:54.440 --> 00:14:56.360 You kind of have to go for it, and sometimes 300 00:14:56.360 --> 00:14:57.879 you go for it and you continue going forward. And 301 00:14:57.879 --> 00:14:59.879 we've done a bunch of podcasts even this year about 302 00:15:00.279 --> 00:15:01.720 when's the right time to go out, and then we 303 00:15:01.759 --> 00:15:03.360 do podcasts that are like, well, don't get out and 304 00:15:03.399 --> 00:15:03.919 stay in and. 305 00:15:03.840 --> 00:15:04.639 Work through it. 306 00:15:04.639 --> 00:15:07.879 It's complicated. That's why we raise these questions all the time. 307 00:15:07.919 --> 00:15:09.480 That's why we never run out things to talk about, 308 00:15:09.720 --> 00:15:12.799 because there are a lot of layers and nuances entire conversation. 309 00:15:14.919 --> 00:15:16.559 So to bring it back to her comment to me, 310 00:15:16.919 --> 00:15:21.600 she did bet on the wrong horse, and it wasn't 311 00:15:21.720 --> 00:15:23.879 that she hadn't met the right person, And it wasn't 312 00:15:23.960 --> 00:15:26.039 that she hadn't been the right person. It just wasn't 313 00:15:26.039 --> 00:15:28.440 the right time and maybe it just wasn't the right fit. 314 00:15:28.759 --> 00:15:31.519 And that's not wrong. We're not you know, we're using 315 00:15:31.519 --> 00:15:33.960 words right and wrong here, But just because it wasn't 316 00:15:34.039 --> 00:15:37.919 right doesn't mean it was wrong. There was a customer 317 00:15:38.000 --> 00:15:40.799 service phrase that it's not really that the customer's always right, 318 00:15:40.799 --> 00:15:43.759 it's that the customer is never wrong. And they're kind 319 00:15:43.759 --> 00:15:46.639 of the same thing. But you can look at them as, oh, yeah, 320 00:15:46.679 --> 00:15:50.720 I see that it wasn't wrong by her, it wasn't 321 00:15:50.720 --> 00:15:53.200 wrong by him. I think I'm giving I don't know him, 322 00:15:53.200 --> 00:15:55.480 I'm giving Bete for the doubt here, and it wasn't 323 00:15:55.600 --> 00:15:56.879 wrong by them. 324 00:15:57.240 --> 00:16:04.200 Se La V didn't work out. So this all started 325 00:16:04.240 --> 00:16:04.799 with a question. 326 00:16:04.879 --> 00:16:06.399 And maybe you expect me to give you an answer 327 00:16:06.399 --> 00:16:09.120 about how to avoid picking the wrong horse. Don't ask me. 328 00:16:11.159 --> 00:16:13.759 I've probably been on two thousand horse races in my life, 329 00:16:13.840 --> 00:16:17.200 real ones, not metaphorical ones, and I've lost a lot 330 00:16:17.240 --> 00:16:18.000 more than i've won. 331 00:16:18.759 --> 00:16:19.200 We all have. 332 00:16:20.200 --> 00:16:22.159 And there's times when the horse doesn't win the race 333 00:16:22.159 --> 00:16:24.000 and you're like, you know what, that was the right horse. 334 00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:26.120 There's a bad ride by the jockey, or they got 335 00:16:26.120 --> 00:16:28.200 stuck in traffic or something happened. But you could still 336 00:16:28.200 --> 00:16:29.639 look at look at yourself and be like, you know what, 337 00:16:30.360 --> 00:16:32.679 I made the right choice. It just didn't work out 338 00:16:32.919 --> 00:16:36.080 that is a lot easier to live with than I 339 00:16:36.200 --> 00:16:38.519 made the right choice and it didn't work out, And God, 340 00:16:38.559 --> 00:16:40.960 I wish it worked out. God, I wish I could 341 00:16:40.960 --> 00:16:42.320 do it again. And I don't want to know why 342 00:16:42.360 --> 00:16:44.879 it doesn't work out, and over and over and over, 343 00:16:45.960 --> 00:16:48.519 And that's conversation that we have because of the situation 344 00:16:48.600 --> 00:16:53.080 that we all have gotten into. That's gambling, that's life, 345 00:16:54.600 --> 00:16:57.480 that's love. And you don't want to phrase it like 346 00:16:57.559 --> 00:16:58.799 that's too bad. 347 00:16:58.919 --> 00:17:01.399 It's not. It's too good. 348 00:17:01.480 --> 00:17:03.840 That's why you keep doing it. You keep at it, 349 00:17:03.919 --> 00:17:06.200 and you keep hoping for the big payoff, and sometimes 350 00:17:06.200 --> 00:17:09.079 the odds are really really long, and sometimes the best 351 00:17:09.079 --> 00:17:12.960 one doesn't always win. You know, she thinks she bet 352 00:17:12.960 --> 00:17:14.759 on the wrong horse, but I don't think she believes 353 00:17:14.759 --> 00:17:17.799 that wasn't the best horse. Sometimes you do everything right 354 00:17:19.079 --> 00:17:21.200 and someone else ends up in the winter circle with 355 00:17:21.279 --> 00:17:27.720 the garland of roses. So I'm grateful to her and 356 00:17:27.759 --> 00:17:31.240 apologetic to the woman who pointed that exception out to 357 00:17:31.359 --> 00:17:34.279 me to sort of my rule that night in Charlotte. 358 00:17:34.680 --> 00:17:36.880 And I should have been more sensitive to her reality 359 00:17:36.920 --> 00:17:39.920 and probably lots of people's realities. You know, I can't 360 00:17:39.960 --> 00:17:41.880 always get them right. And sometimes I err on the 361 00:17:41.920 --> 00:17:45.599 side funny, we're clever, sue me. Charge your money to 362 00:17:45.599 --> 00:17:46.200 go to these shows? 363 00:17:46.240 --> 00:17:46.680 What do you want? 364 00:17:46.799 --> 00:17:49.160 Try to entertain here? Can't always win at all. But 365 00:17:49.359 --> 00:17:50.960 at the end of the day, no matter how many 366 00:17:51.039 --> 00:17:55.799 times you don't come on top, you gotta remember you 367 00:17:55.880 --> 00:17:59.799 only gotta get it right once. So it doesn't matter 368 00:17:59.799 --> 00:18:03.240 how high the denominator gets, because the numerator that you 369 00:18:03.319 --> 00:18:07.359 are going for remains the same. One out of five 370 00:18:07.559 --> 00:18:10.039 one out of fifty, one out of five million. The 371 00:18:10.079 --> 00:18:15.240 one is the one that counts. Ride the one, bet 372 00:18:15.279 --> 00:18:19.319 on the one. So I hate when people get asked 373 00:18:21.279 --> 00:18:23.279 about why are they're still single that I brought up earlier, 374 00:18:23.279 --> 00:18:25.759 and they say I was too busy focusing on my career, 375 00:18:25.839 --> 00:18:28.200 or this city sucks for dating, or I just haven't 376 00:18:28.240 --> 00:18:32.400 met the right person yet, because you almost assuredly have 377 00:18:34.400 --> 00:18:38.480 and either you didn't recognize that person, or you didn't 378 00:18:38.519 --> 00:18:42.319 act on that person, or you didn't appreciate that person, 379 00:18:42.480 --> 00:18:47.079 or you weren't the right person. But sometimes the right 380 00:18:47.079 --> 00:18:50.599 person was simply the wrong time, and sometimes the wrong 381 00:18:50.599 --> 00:18:54.759 person was at the right time, and that's the wrong horse. 382 00:18:56.079 --> 00:19:01.039 She bet on the wrong horse, and she guessed wrong 383 00:19:01.119 --> 00:19:03.000 and hoped wrong and it just worked out wrong. 384 00:19:03.039 --> 00:19:03.519 And lots of. 385 00:19:03.480 --> 00:19:05.440 People have done that, and it doesn't make it any easier. 386 00:19:06.119 --> 00:19:07.880 But you have to be careful about when and how 387 00:19:07.920 --> 00:19:10.480 and how much you place with these bets. Life's a gamble. 388 00:19:10.799 --> 00:19:12.920 Loves a gamble. You take your shot, you hope for 389 00:19:12.960 --> 00:19:15.119 the best, because when it's the best, it's always the 390 00:19:15.200 --> 00:19:18.680 right bet. Keep chasing the payoff, go to the track, 391 00:19:18.759 --> 00:19:21.720 and you wonder why people keep at it, because that's 392 00:19:21.960 --> 00:19:24.160 the scary thing about gambling. When you get it right, 393 00:19:25.519 --> 00:19:28.079 it makes it worth It makes it all worth it, 394 00:19:28.119 --> 00:19:31.599 and that's why you date. You're not trying to get 395 00:19:31.880 --> 00:19:35.519 twelve out of seventeen right, trying to get one out 396 00:19:35.519 --> 00:19:39.119 of seventeen right. If it's the right one, if it's 397 00:19:39.119 --> 00:19:42.680 the long term one, it's the lasting one. So yes, 398 00:19:42.799 --> 00:19:46.160 you can bet on the wrong horse, but mostly you're 399 00:19:46.160 --> 00:19:49.279 looking for the right horse, and you just got to 400 00:19:49.319 --> 00:19:51.400 be cautious and careful about when you do that and 401 00:19:51.400 --> 00:19:53.039