WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:09.160 on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy 4 00:00:09.199 --> 00:00:11.560 Walls Show on k I AM six forty. We're live 5 00:00:11.599 --> 00:00:14.880 everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I am now going to 6 00:00:14.919 --> 00:00:19.120 my social media because I love to answer your questions 7 00:00:19.160 --> 00:00:19.879 on relationships. 8 00:00:19.920 --> 00:00:21.399 Reminder, I'm not a therapist. 9 00:00:21.440 --> 00:00:23.839 I'm a psychology professor, but I've written three books on 10 00:00:23.879 --> 00:00:25.839 relationships and I like to. 11 00:00:25.760 --> 00:00:27.559 Say I did the work. 12 00:00:28.079 --> 00:00:30.559 I'm a survivor of eighteen years of therapy on and 13 00:00:30.600 --> 00:00:32.759 off over the course of twenty. 14 00:00:32.520 --> 00:00:33.520 Eight years, and. 15 00:00:35.240 --> 00:00:37.119 I have a lot of wisdom. I'm a woman of 16 00:00:37.159 --> 00:00:38.920 a certain age and I've got some wisdom for you. 17 00:00:39.000 --> 00:00:41.960 So let's go and look at the dms. Remember I 18 00:00:42.000 --> 00:00:46.640 will always keep your identity anonymous. You can DM me 19 00:00:46.759 --> 00:00:49.920 on any of my social media platforms. The handle is 20 00:00:50.000 --> 00:00:54.280 at doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, Hi, Doctor Wendy says this listener. 21 00:00:54.719 --> 00:00:58.679 I just started seeing my ex of five years again, 22 00:00:59.560 --> 00:01:01.560 so that I mean you were together five years you 23 00:01:01.600 --> 00:01:04.400 were broke up five years ago. I'm guessing we were 24 00:01:04.400 --> 00:01:06.519 broken up for a year and a half. Oh no, 25 00:01:06.599 --> 00:01:08.400 so they were together for five years, then you were 26 00:01:08.400 --> 00:01:09.799 broken up for a year and a half. Got it 27 00:01:10.439 --> 00:01:14.000 While we were broken up. I was bi curious, it's fair, 28 00:01:14.439 --> 00:01:17.599 So on one drunken night on vacation, I ended up 29 00:01:17.640 --> 00:01:21.359 having a three way with a couple who are somewhat 30 00:01:21.400 --> 00:01:24.959 in our friend group. I see them maybe every couple months. 31 00:01:25.760 --> 00:01:29.000 All three of us knows it was purely physical because 32 00:01:29.000 --> 00:01:31.200 the girl was also by curious, and yes, I did 33 00:01:31.200 --> 00:01:33.840 things with the guy too. I'm wondering if I should 34 00:01:33.879 --> 00:01:37.560 tell my boyfriend because he knows them, and I feel 35 00:01:37.560 --> 00:01:40.799 weird about keeping him in the dark. But another part 36 00:01:40.879 --> 00:01:45.319 tells me that it would give him unnecessary anxiety about it, 37 00:01:45.400 --> 00:01:48.640 because to me, it was completely just an experimental thing 38 00:01:48.840 --> 00:01:54.000 of the past. Well, this is an interesting conundrum, and 39 00:01:54.079 --> 00:01:57.200 this is an excellent question. I want to start by 40 00:01:57.200 --> 00:02:00.159 talking about the by curious thing. First of all, if 41 00:02:00.159 --> 00:02:02.319 you believe the work of Kinsey and some of the 42 00:02:02.400 --> 00:02:05.239 more recent work of evolutionary psychologists, they would say that 43 00:02:05.280 --> 00:02:08.759 we are all kind of wired to be bisexual. Calm down, you, 44 00:02:08.800 --> 00:02:12.240 people who are homophobic and freaking out. Kinsey was one 45 00:02:12.240 --> 00:02:15.719 of the first sex researchers to look at not only 46 00:02:15.719 --> 00:02:18.199 people's behavior, but they're fantasies. Because he did his work 47 00:02:18.199 --> 00:02:21.879 in the nineteen forties, fifties, sixties, and he asked people 48 00:02:22.759 --> 00:02:26.479 about their sexual behavior, what they did with who frequency, 49 00:02:26.840 --> 00:02:29.439 but he also asked them what they fantasized about. And 50 00:02:29.479 --> 00:02:31.800 he found he had a scale one to six right 51 00:02:31.879 --> 00:02:36.599 Kinsey scale, one being one hundred percent heterosexual in behavior 52 00:02:36.719 --> 00:02:39.840 and fantasy and one being one hundred percent homosexual in 53 00:02:39.919 --> 00:02:42.759 behavior and fantasy, and he found that most humans are 54 00:02:42.800 --> 00:02:44.039 actually around a three folks. 55 00:02:44.080 --> 00:02:44.560 So there you go. 56 00:02:44.599 --> 00:02:47.000 It's a big, long scale and a gray area. Not 57 00:02:47.120 --> 00:02:49.000 that you may act on it, but you may have 58 00:02:49.080 --> 00:02:54.479 fantasy material. There's nothing wrong with being curious now, whether 59 00:02:54.560 --> 00:02:59.479 it's a couple or an individual. When you enter a relationship, 60 00:03:00.199 --> 00:03:03.360 if you are socializing with somebody that you've had sex 61 00:03:03.400 --> 00:03:07.599 with before, you might feel this urge to be completely 62 00:03:07.719 --> 00:03:11.479 come clean and be intimate. My answer is for you 63 00:03:11.599 --> 00:03:15.120 to assess what it would mean to you a current relationship, 64 00:03:15.199 --> 00:03:18.599 because your real struggle is I want to have one 65 00:03:18.680 --> 00:03:24.599 hundred percent authenticity and honesty about everything in my relationship, 66 00:03:25.599 --> 00:03:29.159 but you also want to not hurt your partner. Or 67 00:03:29.199 --> 00:03:33.280 give them unnecessary anxiety. Now, the other piece is you 68 00:03:33.439 --> 00:03:36.879 have two potential loose cannons out there, the other people 69 00:03:36.919 --> 00:03:39.319 who may talk. They may have another drunken night and 70 00:03:39.400 --> 00:03:43.520 mention something. It's not fair to swear them to secrecy 71 00:03:43.560 --> 00:03:46.280 because their experience is their experience, and they own it, 72 00:03:46.560 --> 00:03:50.680 and everybody owns their own experience. My feeling is this, 73 00:03:51.759 --> 00:03:55.560 if it doesn't come up and there's no reason to 74 00:03:55.639 --> 00:03:58.879 bring it up, there's no reason to tell every single 75 00:03:58.919 --> 00:04:03.280 detail of your sexual background, especially because you're telling them 76 00:04:03.280 --> 00:04:06.280 to a heterosexual man. Now, there's research to show that 77 00:04:06.439 --> 00:04:11.879 men are more squeamish about hearing about female sexual history 78 00:04:12.520 --> 00:04:15.879 than we are women about hearing about a man's sexual history. 79 00:04:16.319 --> 00:04:19.600 That is also evolutionary programmed into us. It's not just 80 00:04:19.639 --> 00:04:22.720 about the sexual double standard. It is the fact that 81 00:04:22.800 --> 00:04:27.600 in our anthropological past, if men risked hooking up with 82 00:04:27.639 --> 00:04:29.560 a woman who liked to share her eggs with the team, 83 00:04:29.920 --> 00:04:32.600 then he might have ended up raising another guy's eggs. 84 00:04:32.959 --> 00:04:34.199 So therefore. 85 00:04:35.319 --> 00:04:38.199 He's sort of naturally not going to want to hear 86 00:04:38.399 --> 00:04:41.360 about even you know, as open minded as my fiance is, 87 00:04:41.360 --> 00:04:42.879 he doesn't want to hear. He doesn't want to hear. 88 00:04:43.600 --> 00:04:47.319 So my personal advice is to not bring it up 89 00:04:47.399 --> 00:04:51.120 unless you find it's necessary. Unless it's being brought up. 90 00:04:51.319 --> 00:04:54.759 If you start, you know, socializing with this couple more often, 91 00:04:55.279 --> 00:04:57.920 if they start flirting with you, if they make an 92 00:04:57.959 --> 00:05:01.120 allusion to what happened, you're going to have to come clean. 93 00:05:02.160 --> 00:05:04.439 If you and your partner might be having a conversation 94 00:05:04.519 --> 00:05:07.720 someday about past sexual experiences and he's sharing things with 95 00:05:08.079 --> 00:05:11.720 about him, okay, then it makes sense. But to bring 96 00:05:11.759 --> 00:05:14.519 it up for no reason, just to cause anxiety in him. 97 00:05:15.040 --> 00:05:17.079 I don't think you need to. Don't think you need to. 98 00:05:17.480 --> 00:05:19.639 If you guys disagree with me, please send me a 99 00:05:19.720 --> 00:05:23.120 DM because I know you know that I'm always about open, 100 00:05:23.279 --> 00:05:26.800 honest and authenticity, But this time I disagree. 101 00:05:26.920 --> 00:05:28.319 You disagree, you should tell him. 102 00:05:28.360 --> 00:05:31.040 I think that there's nothing more embarrassing than being in 103 00:05:31.079 --> 00:05:33.079 a couple with somebody, and then you're on the outside 104 00:05:33.160 --> 00:05:35.759 of an inside, an insider that everybody's aware of except 105 00:05:35.800 --> 00:05:36.199 for yourself. 106 00:05:36.199 --> 00:05:38.199 They're not close, she said, they might see them only 107 00:05:38.199 --> 00:05:38.639 every couple. 108 00:05:38.639 --> 00:05:40.600 They're in the same friend group, so they will see 109 00:05:40.600 --> 00:05:42.800 each other. And then this man knows that he slept 110 00:05:42.800 --> 00:05:44.519 with my girl, and I have no idea. I just 111 00:05:44.560 --> 00:05:46.079 want to know, you know, I just want to be aware, 112 00:05:46.160 --> 00:05:49.079 so there's no inside kiki or like you know, behind 113 00:05:49.079 --> 00:05:49.439 my back. 114 00:05:49.519 --> 00:05:50.120 I don't like that. 115 00:05:50.480 --> 00:05:53.879 I also want to wait till their relationship becomes more solid, 116 00:05:53.879 --> 00:05:56.079 because she said she just started, says for facts of 117 00:05:56.120 --> 00:05:58.959 five years, why don't we wait till they grow some intimacy? 118 00:05:59.079 --> 00:06:01.120 Then you had me around this man and you didn't 119 00:06:01.120 --> 00:06:04.040 tell me till two years after that you had sex 120 00:06:04.079 --> 00:06:05.839 with him because you wanted to wait to feel more secure. 121 00:06:05.879 --> 00:06:08.839 Now I don't trust you. That's how That's just how 122 00:06:09.000 --> 00:06:11.000 I operate. I don't know if I'm right, but that's 123 00:06:11.040 --> 00:06:11.680 just how I feel. 124 00:06:12.600 --> 00:06:15.439 I'm gonna say, pick your time, Okay, yes, but pick 125 00:06:15.480 --> 00:06:16.240 your time fair. 126 00:06:16.560 --> 00:06:16.920 That's fair. 127 00:06:16.959 --> 00:06:18.920 I think that's fair. All right? 128 00:06:18.959 --> 00:06:20.879 That was That was a prickly one, wasn't it. There's 129 00:06:20.920 --> 00:06:24.120 lots of opinions on that. Okay, here's another one. Hey, doctor, Wendy, 130 00:06:24.120 --> 00:06:26.680 have you been through a situation where you miss a 131 00:06:26.720 --> 00:06:29.759 guy the person who had a situationship with Oh, you're 132 00:06:29.759 --> 00:06:32.560 making a big assumption that I had a lot of situationships. Okay, 133 00:06:32.600 --> 00:06:35.800 I did, but we didn't call them situationships. Then we 134 00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:40.319 just called them friends with benefits, or we call them hookups, 135 00:06:40.360 --> 00:06:44.519 we call them booty calls. Actually in my day anyway, 136 00:06:44.519 --> 00:06:46.360 that you miss him so much that when he's back 137 00:06:46.399 --> 00:06:50.800 in the picture, you feel nothing but anger and resentment 138 00:06:51.839 --> 00:06:55.160 when you speak to him. Am I crazy? This is 139 00:06:55.199 --> 00:06:58.959 a weird thing. Okay, my darling. Here's what I want 140 00:06:58.959 --> 00:07:01.680 to say to you. I want you to call a therapist, 141 00:07:02.000 --> 00:07:07.759 especially a therapist who specializes in attachment, because it sounds 142 00:07:07.800 --> 00:07:13.279 to me like your attachment style maybe on the anxious side. 143 00:07:13.399 --> 00:07:17.360 And I have had that exact situation happened to me 144 00:07:17.480 --> 00:07:21.079 before that, even though it was a hook up, a 145 00:07:21.079 --> 00:07:25.439 booty call, a situationship of friends with benefit I became 146 00:07:25.519 --> 00:07:28.639 kind of attached. And then when they didn't reciprocate or 147 00:07:28.759 --> 00:07:32.279 they didn't provide the emotional intimacy that I craved, I 148 00:07:32.519 --> 00:07:37.120 was angry and I was often passive aggressive with them, 149 00:07:37.639 --> 00:07:40.639 even you know, when I was in a sexual relationship, 150 00:07:40.920 --> 00:07:45.079 doing weird game, playing weird games with them, because I 151 00:07:45.279 --> 00:07:50.040 was actually unaware of how angry I was that the 152 00:07:50.120 --> 00:07:53.879 relationship wasn't meeting all of my needs. And it was 153 00:07:53.959 --> 00:07:58.399 only through therapy that I learned that my reaction was 154 00:07:58.439 --> 00:08:00.600 related to my own attachment style. 155 00:08:01.600 --> 00:08:04.279 And I will say that it is very. 156 00:08:04.160 --> 00:08:07.680 Very common for women to not be able to adapt 157 00:08:07.680 --> 00:08:11.920 to a hookup culture or situationships because women's biology is 158 00:08:12.040 --> 00:08:16.319 unique and women are often their bodies get attached through 159 00:08:16.319 --> 00:08:19.920 hormones and oxytocin, and it's very difficult for them to 160 00:08:19.959 --> 00:08:23.680 have just a part time, one foot in relationship. So 161 00:08:24.079 --> 00:08:26.079 please reach out to a therapist because I want you 162 00:08:26.120 --> 00:08:29.279 to work through this the way I did. All right, 163 00:08:29.319 --> 00:08:31.000 when we come back, I got more from your social 164 00:08:31.079 --> 00:08:33.159 media if you'd like to send from my social media. 165 00:08:33.200 --> 00:08:35.120 If you'd like to send me a DM, the handle 166 00:08:35.200 --> 00:08:38.200 is at doctor Wendy Walsh. All right, you've been listening 167 00:08:38.279 --> 00:08:40.960 to the Dr Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. 168 00:08:40.960 --> 00:08:43.279 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 169 00:08:44.360 --> 00:08:48.600 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 170 00:08:48.799 --> 00:08:50.000 AM six forty. 171 00:08:51.120 --> 00:08:53.320 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI 172 00:08:53.440 --> 00:08:56.559 AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 173 00:08:56.759 --> 00:08:59.000 Going into my dms on Instagram if you'd like to 174 00:08:59.039 --> 00:09:01.960 send me one, It is at doctor Wendy Walsh at 175 00:09:02.039 --> 00:09:06.120 d R Wendy Walsh. Okay, dear doctor Wendy. This man 176 00:09:06.240 --> 00:09:08.320 asked me out on a date and told me I 177 00:09:08.360 --> 00:09:12.120 can choose the restaurant. I chose a pricey place because 178 00:09:12.120 --> 00:09:14.720 that's where I eat. When I sent him the restaurant, 179 00:09:14.799 --> 00:09:17.159 he told me he was thinking more tacos and beer, 180 00:09:17.399 --> 00:09:20.480 not philet mignon. I told him we could change the place, 181 00:09:20.879 --> 00:09:23.840 but he stopped responding. I feel like he thinks I'm 182 00:09:23.840 --> 00:09:26.639 a gold digger or something. Should I pop up with 183 00:09:26.799 --> 00:09:28.120 tacos for him? 184 00:09:28.480 --> 00:09:30.759 No? So here's what you learned. You guys are not 185 00:09:30.799 --> 00:09:33.240 a good match. You see, this is how you learn. 186 00:09:33.519 --> 00:09:37.679 The beginning of any new relationship is all about eliminating 187 00:09:37.840 --> 00:09:40.000 those that are inappropriate. If you want to have a 188 00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:43.000 lifetime of tacos and beer, then yeah, chase him down. 189 00:09:43.080 --> 00:09:43.679 That's going to be it. 190 00:09:43.720 --> 00:09:45.879 If you're a philet mignon girl, it's not that he 191 00:09:45.960 --> 00:09:48.799 thinks you're a gold digger. He thinks you're. 192 00:09:48.679 --> 00:09:52.919 Out of his league, and that's okay. You can move. 193 00:09:52.720 --> 00:09:55.679 Along unless you're ready to be tacos and beer and 194 00:09:55.759 --> 00:09:58.320 fast food and get a little billy maybe some hips, 195 00:09:58.399 --> 00:09:59.519 all the fattening food. 196 00:09:59.639 --> 00:10:04.759 No, you know, if you make more money now. 197 00:10:04.960 --> 00:10:07.320 I also I want to sort of clarify something here 198 00:10:08.240 --> 00:10:11.120 that we right now in the mating marketplace have an 199 00:10:11.159 --> 00:10:15.639 oversupply of successful women. So you're gonna find ladies that 200 00:10:15.679 --> 00:10:18.120 there are a lot of women making way more money 201 00:10:18.200 --> 00:10:21.759 than men. So the words to the whys here is 202 00:10:22.399 --> 00:10:27.159 probably don't suggest the super expensive restaurants right away and 203 00:10:27.440 --> 00:10:30.360 just see where it goes. Because your idea of a 204 00:10:30.399 --> 00:10:33.000 power man might be a guy who can power a stroller. 205 00:10:33.279 --> 00:10:37.360 Right So maybe you learned don't do Philly Migno right away. 206 00:10:37.759 --> 00:10:40.120 He's not getting back to you, which tells me that 207 00:10:40.159 --> 00:10:42.399 he's lost interest, not because he thinks you're a gold digger, 208 00:10:42.559 --> 00:10:44.799 but because he thinks you're out of his league. Now, 209 00:10:44.799 --> 00:10:47.360 if you really, really, really really like him, then do 210 00:10:47.399 --> 00:10:49.080 what you said pop up with Takos. 211 00:10:49.080 --> 00:10:49.559 What does that mean? 212 00:10:49.600 --> 00:10:52.360 Show up? Don't show up like at his house? That 213 00:10:52.399 --> 00:10:53.919 sound stockersh like. 214 00:10:54.279 --> 00:10:55.879 Well, when you're into somebody and you want to like 215 00:10:56.120 --> 00:10:58.440 prove you know, yep up, like you bring a cake 216 00:10:58.519 --> 00:10:59.200 or a pie. 217 00:10:59.039 --> 00:11:01.679 Or she knows she's going to see him, I guess 218 00:11:01.720 --> 00:11:03.480 she knows where she's going to see him, because I 219 00:11:03.519 --> 00:11:06.559 don't want to be stalkering him or anything. All right, 220 00:11:06.679 --> 00:11:10.480 dear doctor Wendy, I can't stop ruminating on my latest breakup. 221 00:11:10.559 --> 00:11:13.639 Oh I'm sorry about that. It's destroying me mentally. 222 00:11:13.759 --> 00:11:17.200 Oh. What are some healthy hobbies I can start to 223 00:11:17.240 --> 00:11:20.679 alleviate myself. Well, first of all, you need to go 224 00:11:20.720 --> 00:11:26.240 see a therapist because this kind of rumination is chronic anxiety. 225 00:11:26.279 --> 00:11:31.120 It could be related to attachment insecurity, something that happened 226 00:11:31.159 --> 00:11:31.799 early in life. 227 00:11:31.840 --> 00:11:32.399 I don't know. 228 00:11:32.480 --> 00:11:34.679 I'm not your therapist, but I would say you need 229 00:11:34.679 --> 00:11:36.480 to see a licensed therapist to work through some of 230 00:11:36.480 --> 00:11:40.240 the stuff. From my own personal experience, having recovered from 231 00:11:40.279 --> 00:11:44.279 an anxious attachment style, having spent months and years decades 232 00:11:44.440 --> 00:11:47.039 of my life ruminating over lost men who I couldn't 233 00:11:47.039 --> 00:11:49.399 get back, I will tell you the number one thing 234 00:11:49.440 --> 00:11:52.480 that helped me was exercise. Yeah, just get to the gym, 235 00:11:52.639 --> 00:11:55.879 work out how hard, especially cardio, get those endorphins going. 236 00:11:55.919 --> 00:11:58.399 You'll feel so much better. That's what worked for me. 237 00:11:59.159 --> 00:12:05.559 All right, here's another one, Dear doctor Wendy, I need help. Okay, Well, 238 00:12:05.720 --> 00:12:08.320 thanks for reaching out to me. I am new to 239 00:12:08.399 --> 00:12:11.559 this area and my first meaning new to LA or 240 00:12:11.600 --> 00:12:13.519 new to the area of dating. New to the area 241 00:12:13.519 --> 00:12:15.039 of dating as sind a person. 242 00:12:15.080 --> 00:12:15.720 What do you think they mean? 243 00:12:15.759 --> 00:12:17.639 I would assume new to the because I'm new to La. 244 00:12:17.799 --> 00:12:19.480 Okay, okay, La. 245 00:12:19.960 --> 00:12:22.840 I'm new to La and my first connection was with ooh, 246 00:12:23.360 --> 00:12:27.279 a dangerous person. I want a restraining order. What are 247 00:12:27.279 --> 00:12:29.840 some other ways I can find safety and community in 248 00:12:29.879 --> 00:12:30.559 a new area. 249 00:12:31.080 --> 00:12:32.200 Well, I have to tell you something. 250 00:12:32.320 --> 00:12:34.080 I have gone to the police a number of times 251 00:12:34.080 --> 00:12:37.440 in my life to ask for restraining orders on people, 252 00:12:38.279 --> 00:12:40.879 often strangers, often somebody I might have had one date 253 00:12:40.919 --> 00:12:42.639 with when I was a young hot woman. 254 00:12:42.679 --> 00:12:44.039 Okay, that's when the stuff happens. 255 00:12:44.519 --> 00:12:47.480 And they were very clear that it's super hard to 256 00:12:47.519 --> 00:12:51.360 get a restraining order unless somebody physically assaults you, shows 257 00:12:51.480 --> 00:12:54.000 up at your house regularly and you can take pictures 258 00:12:54.000 --> 00:12:56.960 of them, they're et cetera. But if they're on public property, 259 00:12:56.960 --> 00:12:59.799 even then it's hard. Remember in the documentary on Netflix 260 00:12:59.840 --> 00:13:01.879 with the what's the name there? 261 00:13:01.919 --> 00:13:04.519 The Dutch baby, No no, No, the Duchess and. 262 00:13:05.480 --> 00:13:08.000 The Prince and Princess are up in Santa Barbara, the 263 00:13:08.039 --> 00:13:09.600 real life ones Harry and Megan. 264 00:13:10.679 --> 00:13:12.919 So Megan was saying when. 265 00:13:12.720 --> 00:13:15.399 She was on suits and dating him and she was 266 00:13:15.440 --> 00:13:19.799 filming in Toronto. The you know, thousands of people would 267 00:13:19.799 --> 00:13:22.360 be peering through fences and doing everything she said. In 268 00:13:22.399 --> 00:13:24.919 real life that would be having a stalker, but the 269 00:13:24.960 --> 00:13:27.720 police could do nothing because they were standing on public land. 270 00:13:27.960 --> 00:13:28.200 Right. 271 00:13:28.440 --> 00:13:30.360 It's very hard to get a restraining order. 272 00:13:30.440 --> 00:13:31.159 I have one. 273 00:13:31.480 --> 00:13:33.080 You do have one on somebody. I do. 274 00:13:33.600 --> 00:13:36.440 My ex boyfriend. He was he was not okay, he 275 00:13:36.480 --> 00:13:37.759 was dangerous, a dangerous person. 276 00:13:37.799 --> 00:13:39.440 Is he in this state? No, He's in New. 277 00:13:39.399 --> 00:13:41.159 Jersey, thankfully, and I don't think he can afford to 278 00:13:41.159 --> 00:13:45.279 fly to this state greatly. However, getting the restraining order 279 00:13:45.519 --> 00:13:48.720 was very difficult. It took a bunch of different the 280 00:13:48.799 --> 00:13:52.519 order chances. He violated it every single week. I was 281 00:13:52.559 --> 00:13:54.840 at the police department submitting that he violated. 282 00:13:54.960 --> 00:13:55.639 The only reason he. 283 00:13:55.639 --> 00:13:58.200 Got arrested was because he assaulted another man who I 284 00:13:58.240 --> 00:14:00.879 was dating. So it's hard as a woman out here. 285 00:14:01.000 --> 00:14:02.559 I hate to tell you this, my love. 286 00:14:03.000 --> 00:14:05.080 If you ask me how you can find safety and 287 00:14:05.120 --> 00:14:07.960 community when you're in a new area, it may simply 288 00:14:08.000 --> 00:14:10.639 mean if he knows where you live, moving, I'm sorry, 289 00:14:10.879 --> 00:14:12.759 finding a new place, and you may be able to 290 00:14:12.799 --> 00:14:15.399 get out of your lease if you feel threatened, But 291 00:14:16.399 --> 00:14:19.480 you've got and You've got to find new friends through 292 00:14:19.559 --> 00:14:24.679 your work, through the gym, through other kinds of social connections. 293 00:14:24.720 --> 00:14:27.120 But you've got to get healthy people around you so 294 00:14:27.159 --> 00:14:29.159 that you can feel safe. 295 00:14:29.159 --> 00:14:31.440 That's so scary and a protector. 296 00:14:31.679 --> 00:14:33.159 You were able to break your lease if you were 297 00:14:33.200 --> 00:14:34.600 if you felt like your life was in danger, So 298 00:14:34.639 --> 00:14:36.080 hopefully California is the same way. 299 00:14:36.159 --> 00:14:36.320 Yeah. 300 00:14:36.399 --> 00:14:38.360 Yeah, I broke my lease and it was no no. 301 00:14:39.399 --> 00:14:41.480 You know, I'm a landlord and one of the things 302 00:14:41.559 --> 00:14:44.919 I do is criminal background checks on people because if 303 00:14:45.000 --> 00:14:48.600 you know, if you put somebody in your building and 304 00:14:48.639 --> 00:14:52.159 they do some violence on another, I think landlords might 305 00:14:52.159 --> 00:14:54.679 even be able to get sued because the bad person 306 00:14:54.720 --> 00:14:55.840 in there near there. 307 00:14:56.600 --> 00:14:58.399 Yeah, it's so hard. 308 00:14:57.960 --> 00:15:00.879 It's you know, one of the most vulnerab groups in 309 00:15:00.919 --> 00:15:04.799 our society, our young females, and we need to rally 310 00:15:04.840 --> 00:15:07.320 around them and help keep them safe. And guys, you 311 00:15:07.399 --> 00:15:09.159 need to do that. Walk them to their cars, be 312 00:15:09.279 --> 00:15:11.399 nice to them, be the good guy. You are listening 313 00:15:11.399 --> 00:15:13.919 to the Doctor Wendy wall Show on KFI AM six 314 00:15:14.039 --> 00:15:16.559 forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 315 00:15:17.039 --> 00:15:21.360 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 316 00:15:21.440 --> 00:15:23.720 AM six forty Welcome back to. 317 00:15:23.679 --> 00:15:26.519 The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty, 318 00:15:26.559 --> 00:15:29.120 Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 319 00:15:29.440 --> 00:15:29.679 Well. 320 00:15:29.759 --> 00:15:32.519 I mentioned at the beginning of the show that I've 321 00:15:32.519 --> 00:15:38.879 got married this weekend and it's very exciting. It's different 322 00:15:39.440 --> 00:15:41.799 depending on what your age is, the kind of partner 323 00:15:41.840 --> 00:15:45.120 you would choose. You know, I've always said a relationship 324 00:15:45.159 --> 00:15:47.759 is an exchange of care. That care can take so 325 00:15:47.840 --> 00:15:51.879 many different forms. It can be emotional support care. It 326 00:15:51.879 --> 00:15:54.919 can be intellectual stimulation care. It can be financial care, 327 00:15:54.960 --> 00:15:59.919 sexual care, domestic care, childcare. It can be all those things. Right, 328 00:16:00.200 --> 00:16:03.279 But as we get older, it gets real because when 329 00:16:03.399 --> 00:16:06.039 till death do us part is. 330 00:16:06.080 --> 00:16:08.960 Spoken, it's you know, potentially authentic. 331 00:16:09.240 --> 00:16:09.440 Right. 332 00:16:10.559 --> 00:16:15.320 So gray marriage is something that I feel, having just 333 00:16:15.399 --> 00:16:18.519 gone through, it is a sacred On the other hand, 334 00:16:19.279 --> 00:16:22.240 this is also a time of life for many where 335 00:16:22.279 --> 00:16:27.240 long term marriages culminate. I don't like to say fail, 336 00:16:27.559 --> 00:16:30.639 I don't like to say breakup. I like to say finish, 337 00:16:30.960 --> 00:16:34.200 the work has been done. I wanted to invite a 338 00:16:34.240 --> 00:16:38.639 guest who works with couples all the time, doctor Dana McNeil. 339 00:16:39.080 --> 00:16:43.240 She is an expert in relationships and she really understands 340 00:16:43.279 --> 00:16:47.159 that in our most intimate relationships, we all just want 341 00:16:47.200 --> 00:16:49.919 to be her. She's a therapist practicing in San Diego, 342 00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:53.799 Doctor McNeil, Did I get that right? You did, San Diego. 343 00:16:54.639 --> 00:16:58.600 Thanks for being with us. So let's talk about gray divorce. 344 00:16:58.679 --> 00:17:00.919 First of all, when we talk talk about gray divorce, 345 00:17:00.960 --> 00:17:04.119 we're talking about divorce over the age of forty five fifty. 346 00:17:04.559 --> 00:17:07.640 The forty five fifty ish, yeah, as we're starting to well, 347 00:17:07.799 --> 00:17:10.359 maybe stop coloring our hair, but we've probably all been 348 00:17:10.400 --> 00:17:13.880 gray for longer than that. But yes, that's typically and 349 00:17:13.920 --> 00:17:18.720 it's about thirty percent of the percentages of divorces across 350 00:17:18.720 --> 00:17:22.359 the board. So it is actually the highest percentage or 351 00:17:22.480 --> 00:17:26.440 of the population of divorce is people over fifty, more 352 00:17:26.519 --> 00:17:29.119 than any other age group. We are seeing that that 353 00:17:29.319 --> 00:17:31.960 is the area where we are getting more and more 354 00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:32.920 divorces occurring. 355 00:17:33.680 --> 00:17:36.400 So I read a statistic once. 356 00:17:36.480 --> 00:17:39.240 I don't know if this is accurate when people banter 357 00:17:39.359 --> 00:17:42.759 around that fifty percent divorce rate. It doesn't apply to 358 00:17:42.799 --> 00:17:46.480 every marriage. But you only hit the fifty percent risk 359 00:17:47.039 --> 00:17:49.839 when you've been married more than twenty years, right, So 360 00:17:49.880 --> 00:17:52.279 if you're younger, you're actually more likely to. 361 00:17:52.119 --> 00:17:52.839 Stick it out. 362 00:17:53.079 --> 00:17:56.119 But it is, so let's talk about why at this time, 363 00:17:56.599 --> 00:18:00.359 what happens in people's individual development and what's happening in 364 00:18:00.359 --> 00:18:01.200 the relationship. 365 00:18:01.920 --> 00:18:03.079 There's so many reasons. 366 00:18:03.079 --> 00:18:06.559 I mean. The first is often if a couple has 367 00:18:06.599 --> 00:18:09.319 put all the focus on their children and now they're 368 00:18:09.319 --> 00:18:12.160 empty nesters, that phrase, which is we're finally getting our 369 00:18:12.279 --> 00:18:15.119 children to like get out and like move on. 370 00:18:15.240 --> 00:18:15.759 With their lives. 371 00:18:15.920 --> 00:18:18.640 Or they've gone off to college and we haven't developed 372 00:18:18.720 --> 00:18:19.759 our relationship. 373 00:18:19.839 --> 00:18:23.039 We've just put all of our focus, all of our energy. 374 00:18:22.799 --> 00:18:26.200 All of our time into taking the kids to soccer practice, 375 00:18:26.319 --> 00:18:29.519 going to rehearsals, getting their lives sorted. 376 00:18:29.559 --> 00:18:30.759 That's one thing that happens. 377 00:18:30.920 --> 00:18:34.119 Retirement happens if there's an age gap between you and 378 00:18:34.160 --> 00:18:34.799 your partners. 379 00:18:34.799 --> 00:18:36.799 Say maybe you married somebody that's five or six. 380 00:18:36.720 --> 00:18:39.359 Years older than you and ones ready to retire. They 381 00:18:39.359 --> 00:18:41.519 want to go have vacations, they want to go have fun, 382 00:18:41.799 --> 00:18:44.440 and you're still in your career, or you're a business 383 00:18:44.440 --> 00:18:47.000 owner and you're not ready to retire. That can create 384 00:18:47.319 --> 00:18:50.400 differences in the ways that you want to spend your life. 385 00:18:50.680 --> 00:18:52.960 There can also be differences in the way that you 386 00:18:53.680 --> 00:18:56.319 handle sex or the way that you approach sex, or 387 00:18:56.359 --> 00:18:59.119 maybe one of you has problems with sex or doesn't 388 00:18:59.119 --> 00:19:01.480 desire sex the same way that you did anymore, And 389 00:19:01.559 --> 00:19:04.559 so some couples are like, I'm sorry, I'm still in 390 00:19:04.599 --> 00:19:06.160 my sexual prime and I'm not going to be with 391 00:19:06.200 --> 00:19:09.640 somebody that doesn't put a focus on sex. There can 392 00:19:09.720 --> 00:19:12.039 be a lot of reasons, and one of the ones 393 00:19:12.039 --> 00:19:14.880 that I see a lot in my clients is that 394 00:19:14.960 --> 00:19:18.000 we have grown apart right, and there's a we are 395 00:19:18.000 --> 00:19:20.640 in marriages a lot longer than we used to be. 396 00:19:20.680 --> 00:19:22.680 If you think about like back in the day when 397 00:19:22.680 --> 00:19:25.359 we were pioneers, we were dying off at thirty years old. 398 00:19:25.440 --> 00:19:27.400 Now we're living well into our hundreds. 399 00:19:27.400 --> 00:19:30.279 If we do this right, and if you say, okay, 400 00:19:30.319 --> 00:19:32.240 your kids are gone and they're out of the house 401 00:19:32.279 --> 00:19:34.839