1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:06,240 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome to Drunkish. It's a podcast. It's 2 00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:08,439 based on a book I wrote a couple of years ago, 3 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:13,359 which you can still buy. You know, it's available today. 4 00:00:14,439 --> 00:00:19,559 I have a great guest. Her name is Cindy. She's 5 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:24,640 going anonymous on this episode, but she has an incredible story, 6 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:29,640 a lot of years of sobriety, some offs and some 7 00:00:29,879 --> 00:00:32,479 on years. And I think you're going to really enjoy 8 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:35,799 it and relate to it. And before I get to it, 9 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:39,560 do me a favor, and well, first of all, subscribe 10 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:42,880 and like this podcast wherever you get your podcasts, and 11 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:46,799 also head on over to YouTube and subscribe to the 12 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:51,200 channel the show Drunkish podcast over there. It will really 13 00:00:51,240 --> 00:01:13,640 help me out. And now let's go. Welcome to Drunkish. Cindy, 14 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:19,519 my friend. Hi, a person I look up to for 15 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:23,079 fashion choices for personhood. 16 00:01:25,159 --> 00:01:27,640 Speaker 2: Today I'm kind of looking like a little school teacher. 17 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:30,200 But I was a school Wait, actually it's kind of better. 18 00:01:30,599 --> 00:01:32,840 I was a school teacher and I love being a 19 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:33,519 school teacher. 20 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,439 Speaker 1: Really, I did not know that about you. You didn't, 21 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:39,959 Oh my god, Yes, what did you teach? 22 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:44,319 Speaker 2: I taught first and second grade for ten years? 23 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:47,680 Speaker 1: Wow? I bet you were the best at that. 24 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:55,040 Speaker 2: I had the best time. I loved it, loved it. Yeah. 25 00:01:55,159 --> 00:02:00,280 In fact, someone that I am very close to now 26 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:03,280 is thirty six years old and she lives down a 27 00:02:03,319 --> 00:02:06,959 mile down the street and she, like me, is sober. 28 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:08,759 I taught her in first grade. 29 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:10,840 Speaker 1: Are you serious? 30 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:17,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's actually it's really great to have adults now 31 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:20,400 that you know, say Sydney, because they called us by 32 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,360 the first name. It was a progressive school, Sidney, and 33 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,879 I'll turn around and like, you know, I still see 34 00:02:25,919 --> 00:02:32,199 the little the little fabulous. Yeah, that's in all of us, 35 00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:35,560 you know. And that's what I love about sobriety because 36 00:02:35,599 --> 00:02:38,599 you said when we were talking about I know steph 37 00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:41,560 is going to I don't know what she's going to 38 00:02:41,599 --> 00:02:44,280 ask me or what, but we were talking about before 39 00:02:44,719 --> 00:02:51,240 the we started the podcast, that part of addiction in 40 00:02:51,319 --> 00:02:57,759 alcoholism is just complete isolation and loneliness. Not complete like physically, 41 00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,840 but just inward because you think you're the only person 42 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:10,039 that's living this lie. And finally getting honest, I want 43 00:03:10,039 --> 00:03:13,120 to start crying, you know, because Stephanie knows me when 44 00:03:13,159 --> 00:03:15,479 I was pretending to be sober and had all these 45 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:21,000 years and then you know, getting really honest. What has 46 00:03:21,199 --> 00:03:29,000 happened is just like this, slowly, this lightness has come 47 00:03:29,039 --> 00:03:32,840 back into my life, and I personally feel like a kid. 48 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:37,400 I personally feel like like the beauty of the innocence 49 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:43,280 that was just so buried deep deep deep inside. 50 00:03:43,479 --> 00:03:46,280 Speaker 1: Well, take me back, where are you from? Originally? 51 00:03:46,879 --> 00:03:50,960 Speaker 2: I am originally from the central part, which is the 52 00:03:51,159 --> 00:03:56,400 very lovely, sexy part of Mississippi, a town called Newton. 53 00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:03,280 My dad was the mayor, there was the mayor. My 54 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:07,120 nephew was the fifth generation to live on one piece 55 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:14,960 of property, and so steeped in that weird Southern stuff. 56 00:04:16,759 --> 00:04:19,480 You know, a lot of great stuff about the South. 57 00:04:19,519 --> 00:04:23,079 I mean, we like people, we like to talk, and 58 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:28,759 then there's this whole horrible racist segregation that you know 59 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:31,800 as a small child, because I was a small child 60 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,759 when segregation was starting to shift a little bit, but 61 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:39,439 you know, growing up with that and then as coming 62 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:42,079 back as an adult and just going, oh my god, 63 00:04:42,879 --> 00:04:43,439 oh my god. 64 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:48,519 Speaker 1: Yeah, So were your family drinkers? 65 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:54,399 Speaker 2: No, not at all, which is well, I should say, 66 00:04:54,439 --> 00:04:58,720 my mom and my dad were not the only alcohol. 67 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:04,680 Our house was above the refrigerator, you know, open it 68 00:05:04,759 --> 00:05:10,399 up and there's the cooking sherry and and then I 69 00:05:10,399 --> 00:05:13,839 don't think I ever saw my father take a drink ever. 70 00:05:14,839 --> 00:05:18,839 Now my mom and when she got older, like in 71 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:26,519 her late fifties, early sixties, she liked Margarita. 72 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:29,680 Speaker 1: Who doesn't who does with. 73 00:05:29,759 --> 00:05:35,040 Speaker 2: Salt and she would get like a little tipsy with one, 74 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:39,199 and it was just the cutest thing, you know. But 75 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:44,040 one of her brothers was Uncle Hollis I found out 76 00:05:44,199 --> 00:05:47,360 was an alcoholic. Don't you love that name? Ulcoholic? 77 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,920 Speaker 1: I was just thinking, I love that name. If I 78 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,480 if I could have another kid, I'd either have a dog. 79 00:05:53,959 --> 00:05:59,680 Speaker 2: A dog. Yeah, okay. Ulcoholis was an alcohol alcoholic and 80 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:05,319 he got sober, just white knuckling it. Sheer determination will 81 00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:10,839 and his wife went around, ain't hit went to his 82 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,480 friends and said, if you care anything about Hollis, me 83 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:18,920 and the family, do not let don't don't take him 84 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:24,319 out with you, you know. Yeah, And then I think 85 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:25,560 that's the only one I know of. 86 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,399 Speaker 1: I just came out the room. So did you start 87 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,279 drinking in high school? 88 00:06:31,639 --> 00:06:35,759 Speaker 2: Before I started drinking, Stephanie, all right, I had such 89 00:06:35,839 --> 00:06:41,720 attic behavior as a little kid back in the sixties. 90 00:06:43,399 --> 00:06:45,800 Your parents would because it gets cold in the South 91 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,279 in the wintertime, you'd have to start the car to 92 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:51,279 get it wont and get the motor going and get 93 00:06:51,319 --> 00:06:53,839 the heat going and stuff like that. And when I 94 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:58,279 was a little kid, I remember standing out behind, you know, 95 00:06:58,319 --> 00:07:01,920 where all those wonderful few ms were happening coming out 96 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,600 of the car, and I would stand right there and 97 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:08,639 I'd twirl around, and I love that feeling. I was 98 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:12,480 getting sucked up even as a little kid. Yeah, and 99 00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:17,879 then as a teenager, you know, I guess somehow, I like, 100 00:07:18,759 --> 00:07:24,319 up until I was about sixteen, I was a candy striper, 101 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:27,720 sang in the church choir and you know, all this 102 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,199 kind of stuff, and witness to my older sister and 103 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:33,240 her friends who were drinking and told them that they 104 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:36,519 needed to rededicate their life to Jesus Christ as their 105 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:41,959 personal savior and quit partying until I had a drink, 106 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:47,959 and then I was like, what, you know, game on? Yeah, 107 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:52,560 I was definitely crazy party girl at like sixteen from 108 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:53,079 the end. 109 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:56,240 Speaker 1: But even let me ask you this, because I'm already 110 00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:59,480 relating to you so much, were you also boy crazy? 111 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,360 Because I found some diaries from myself at that age, 112 00:08:04,399 --> 00:08:06,800 at like fifteen and a half, when I started drinking 113 00:08:06,839 --> 00:08:10,480 and every page was like, here's all the guys I 114 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,120 like right now that I had addicty behavior, like with 115 00:08:13,639 --> 00:08:15,920 guys wanting to kiss everybody. 116 00:08:16,399 --> 00:08:18,959 Speaker 2: I think you're a lot younger than man. I'm can 117 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,839 I tell that I'm sixty four, almost sixty five? 118 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,519 Speaker 1: Okay, well I'm turning sixty this year. 119 00:08:24,759 --> 00:08:29,240 Speaker 2: Okay. Do you remember the group Bred? You suret from? Huh? 120 00:08:29,279 --> 00:08:29,800 Speaker 1: Of course? 121 00:08:30,839 --> 00:08:37,320 Speaker 2: Da? Okay? Or And she kept running why like all 122 00:08:37,399 --> 00:08:39,480 those And I would write in my diary and I'd 123 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,759 look at the covers and I just think about the 124 00:08:41,799 --> 00:08:45,840 guys that I was desperately in love with. Yeah, yeah, 125 00:08:45,879 --> 00:08:53,440 definitely boy crazy and always much older. Never I mean 126 00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:58,399 a guy my age didn't interest me one iota, you know. 127 00:08:58,559 --> 00:09:02,639 And in fact, I remember when I was fifteen, this 128 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:05,799 guy Larry, I don't want to say his last name 129 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:10,279 because he's passed. He worked. I thought he was like 130 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:13,759 he looked like Jesus, long hair and a beard, and 131 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:16,720 he would, you know, the fact he was like twenty seven, 132 00:09:16,799 --> 00:09:21,480 twenty eight going out with a fifteen year old. Thank god, 133 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:25,799 I never had sex with him. But he had dots, 134 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,240 he had sores on his arms, and I didn't know 135 00:09:28,279 --> 00:09:30,399 what that was from I thought it was like mosquito bites. 136 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:36,960 In hindsight, he was a heroin atic Wow, yeah, in 137 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:40,919 Mississippi and I found him. Uh huh. 138 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:46,200 Speaker 1: I just okay, okay, So so you finish high school. No, 139 00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:50,759 I'm assuming, like, no big consequences to drinking at that point. 140 00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:55,639 Speaker 2: No, But I was always a blackout drinker. I mean, 141 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,879 you know, it was like that's what people did though 142 00:09:57,919 --> 00:10:00,519 in high school. Same you wanted to wanted to get 143 00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:05,080 crazy and wild, and which was what we did. But 144 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:08,039 I knew I'd come to school on Monday and go, 145 00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:10,440 I'm not going to do that. I would wake up 146 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,840 and I'd be I have, like not suicidal, but I 147 00:10:13,919 --> 00:10:20,519 hated myself so much I did. I remember trying to 148 00:10:20,559 --> 00:10:24,559 commit suicide on Remember the diet pills that used to 149 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:30,720 come in blister packs, Yes, Exatrim. Exatrim like eating a 150 00:10:30,799 --> 00:10:34,159 whole one or two whole container like containers, which is 151 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:41,120 a lot, and getting so sick, you know, But that 152 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:44,600 was I didn't know any different. I was just I 153 00:10:44,679 --> 00:10:50,879 was messed up from the minute my drinking released this beast. 154 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,840 And it was a lot of fun, or I wouldn't 155 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:56,960 have done it as far as long. But I knew 156 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,679 I was going to have to dance with that. 157 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:01,320 Speaker 1: Yeah. 158 00:11:02,519 --> 00:11:05,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, So then I went I finished. I had a 159 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:09,440 boyfriend in high school who was eleven years older than me. 160 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:12,519 I was madly in love, seriously thought I was going 161 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:16,080 to marry him. He was actually in a weird kind 162 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,639 of fucked up way. He was a good guy, but 163 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:23,519 he used that against me too, and he broke up 164 00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:30,840 with me. After my first year in I stayed in 165 00:11:30,919 --> 00:11:33,240 Newton and I went to like a little junior college. 166 00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:35,799 And when he broke up with me and my dad 167 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:42,080 died suddenly, I basically from I started bouncing every semester 168 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:45,440 to a different school in Mississippi for like a year 169 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:47,039 and a half, and then I moved to New York City, 170 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:52,759 which is so I went from a little tiny town 171 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:56,360 where you literally knew everybody. You know, The biggest deal 172 00:11:56,840 --> 00:12:02,879 was Friday night hanging out downtown, drinking beer, watching cars 173 00:12:02,919 --> 00:12:07,000 go by, and then you hollering at people and getting 174 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,000 them to come and stop and party. That was how 175 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:13,799 we used to party. And from there to New York City. 176 00:12:13,879 --> 00:12:18,320 Speaker 3: Which was was really hard, really really hard, and that's 177 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:23,720 where my drinking got just h And at that time 178 00:12:23,759 --> 00:12:27,279 I was just a drinker, and it got really ugly 179 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:28,879 and sad. 180 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:35,240 Speaker 2: And I, you know, just slept around with I didn't 181 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:39,320 even know why, I just it just happened. And then 182 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,919 I would see the remorse and the disdain in the 183 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:47,399 other person's eyes, and I just felt so shallow, and 184 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:52,159 so it was really it was that's And it took 185 00:12:52,159 --> 00:12:54,600 a few years of living there and living like that 186 00:12:54,759 --> 00:12:58,519 and then getting into drugs and stuff that I finally 187 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,360 went to my first AA meeting nineteen eighty six. 188 00:13:02,799 --> 00:13:04,600 Speaker 1: So what kind of drugs did you get into? 189 00:13:05,559 --> 00:13:06,960 Speaker 2: Not horrible just coke? 190 00:13:07,399 --> 00:13:08,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, pot. 191 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:11,919 Speaker 2: Hated pot. I never understood why people like pot made 192 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:16,159 my eyes feel big and thick and my mouth and 193 00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:20,799 made me very paranoid. But in New York in the eighties, 194 00:13:21,039 --> 00:13:25,360 coke was a big thing. Dancing coke dancing, you know 195 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:28,559 that had jerking dance that we used to do. And 196 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:35,000 but belows, when I would wake up, not wake up, 197 00:13:35,039 --> 00:13:38,000 when I would start coming to in the morning in 198 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:42,919 New York City, there were I was so depressed and 199 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:47,200 I did have a lot of suicidal ideation with coming 200 00:13:47,279 --> 00:13:51,320 down off coke, and something in me said, oh, this 201 00:13:51,399 --> 00:13:54,759 is not this is not a safe drug for you. 202 00:13:54,759 --> 00:13:56,960 Speaker 1: You know, so you went to a meeting, but how 203 00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,320 did you How did that come about? Did you know 204 00:13:59,399 --> 00:14:02,080 somebody who was sober? Did you just have a low 205 00:14:02,159 --> 00:14:04,120 moment and look it up in the phone book, like what? 206 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:09,480 Speaker 2: It's crazy. I don't ever remember hearing Alcoholics Anonymous. It 207 00:14:09,519 --> 00:14:13,200 wasn't something I talked about my family. I was going 208 00:14:13,279 --> 00:14:18,240 to hunt the College on sixty ninth in Lexington, and 209 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:27,879 I worked in a shoe store on Lexington and no 210 00:14:28,039 --> 00:14:31,279 on Madison sixty ninth in Madison, and I was drinking 211 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:34,120 during the day. We had those little refrigerators and I 212 00:14:34,159 --> 00:14:36,320 had some vodka in the back and I was mixing 213 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:41,480 it and there was a phone on the wall and 214 00:14:41,519 --> 00:14:48,759 I remember calling for one one Alcoholics Anonymous and asking 215 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,080 for help, and this woman told me there was a 216 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:55,879 meeting at the seventy ninth Street workshop and I went 217 00:14:55,919 --> 00:14:59,159 in and I remember thinking there was a thousand people, 218 00:15:00,159 --> 00:15:03,279 and there was one woman that I was sort of 219 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:07,720 drawn to shoot, beautiful, short hair, very tall statuesque. I 220 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,720 think I talked to her a little bit afterwards. And 221 00:15:10,759 --> 00:15:14,840 they had all these sayings on the wall and it 222 00:15:14,879 --> 00:15:18,519 didn't stick right away, but pretty soon it did. I did, 223 00:15:19,159 --> 00:15:24,799 and for me. You know, going to meetings in the 224 00:15:24,879 --> 00:15:28,600 late eighties and New York was a lot of fun. 225 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,679 Not late, but mid you know, eighty six, eighty seven, 226 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:36,279 eighty eight, dated a lot of guys, cute guys in 227 00:15:36,399 --> 00:15:38,840 AA and we just had a great time. It was 228 00:15:39,399 --> 00:15:40,200 easy then. 229 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:42,840 Speaker 1: But let me ask you this. Did you think it 230 00:15:42,879 --> 00:15:45,919 was a little bit dorky because you were young? How 231 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:49,240 like that they had these dances and stuff. Were you like, 232 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,080 I'm not doing that or were you embracing it and going, 233 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:53,960 this is so great, this is how I'll have a 234 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,320 social life. 235 00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:59,000 Speaker 2: Going back to your boys situation, I was so boy 236 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:04,039 crazy that literally if they had said, join are the 237 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,120 what is it the Quantius club where you wear those 238 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:08,960 funny little hats and you ride in the parades and 239 00:16:09,039 --> 00:16:12,039 their little tiny cars. If they had said this is 240 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:16,799 what I'm doing on the weekend, not not this is 241 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:18,960 what I'm doing. Do you want to participate, it would 242 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:22,240 be like that's where I'm going to be. I would 243 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,960 be there, Okay, So yes they were, And you know 244 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:28,440 what was so cool. I remember going to one of 245 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:33,480 those huge dances, like black tie dances, and I was 246 00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:37,120 so poor. I went to Goodwill and I found this 247 00:16:37,279 --> 00:16:41,440 little tiny dress that was oh, it looked like something 248 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:45,679 Audrey Hepburn would wear. It was like white sequin here 249 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:50,559 at an empire waistline and fond it to the knee. 250 00:16:50,679 --> 00:16:54,120 It was beautiful and I felt like a princess. But no, 251 00:16:54,279 --> 00:16:56,879 it was just you know, I was boy crazy. I 252 00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:01,039 want I want Stephanie. There was a guy oh gosh, 253 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:04,160 I can't use his name either, but he had He 254 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:08,759 was a very fancy New York family and his last 255 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:12,599 his everyone called him Trip. And I thought because he 256 00:17:12,759 --> 00:17:15,880 was so and so the third No, it was because 257 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:20,279 his brain was fried. He had tripped so many times. 258 00:17:20,319 --> 00:17:23,880 He literally was, as we say down South, he ain't right. 259 00:17:25,279 --> 00:17:29,160 He was not right. And I chased after that poor 260 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:32,759 thing until I got him. And then when I got him, 261 00:17:32,759 --> 00:17:38,240 I was like, oh my god, ain't right. 262 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:42,279 Speaker 1: Oh God, Okay, So you get sob you're kind of young, 263 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:47,400 you're in your twenties. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's I mean, 264 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,480 we wouldn't be here talking if it was like and 265 00:17:49,519 --> 00:17:54,079 then you lived happily ever after, And sobriety was a breeze. 266 00:17:54,519 --> 00:17:58,200 Speaker 2: How long do we have? No, I mean I want 267 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,519 to like five minutes, ten, No. 268 00:18:00,599 --> 00:18:02,400 Speaker 1: We've got time we got it, you got at least 269 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:03,000 a half hour. 270 00:18:04,839 --> 00:18:06,920 Speaker 2: You know what, when you think about probably if you 271 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:10,359 think about your life and what you've done over the 272 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,279 course of the light, you go, oh my god, I'm 273 00:18:12,319 --> 00:18:16,680 exhausted just thinking about that. Okay, so I get sober. 274 00:18:17,319 --> 00:18:20,039 I'm in New York City, you know. Of course I 275 00:18:20,079 --> 00:18:23,359 didn't think I was, but I was cute. We don't 276 00:18:23,359 --> 00:18:27,759 think that still are. Well, you're sweet. But I met 277 00:18:27,799 --> 00:18:35,559 this guy at one of those really kind of swanky restaurants. 278 00:18:36,039 --> 00:18:38,839 Was it in the Oyster Bar or something insta Grand 279 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:44,079 Central seems like something like that. And he was handsome 280 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:48,079 and he was very interested in me. He was older, 281 00:18:48,119 --> 00:18:50,599 of course, because that's how I roll. Every time I 282 00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:53,160 do my glasses, I just smudge it up more. So 283 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,440 I hope you can. It looks like I've got one 284 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:56,759 eye wrong. 285 00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:57,880 Speaker 1: Here, You're good. 286 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:06,039 Speaker 2: And he pursued me. And this guy had He was older, 287 00:19:06,079 --> 00:19:09,759 but he was had a PhD in economics from Harvard 288 00:19:10,319 --> 00:19:14,640 Harvard Law School, chief economist at a big farm, all 289 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:17,599 this written books. And I was like, oh my god, 290 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:22,319 me me and he happened to live out in sag Harbor, 291 00:19:22,359 --> 00:19:25,359 Long Island, so I moved out to sad Harbor to 292 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:30,640 be with him. He was to this day. I married him. Okay, 293 00:19:31,279 --> 00:19:34,759 I married him over forty years. I have not said 294 00:19:34,759 --> 00:19:38,279 his name because I literally left in the middle of 295 00:19:38,359 --> 00:19:41,160 the night with through suitcases while he was on a 296 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:46,000 business trip. And the women at the moms at the 297 00:19:46,039 --> 00:19:49,359 school I was working at gave me a place to 298 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:54,839 stay and everything. And this guy, who was handsome and 299 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:59,440 all this kind of stuff, was very abusive, first emotionally 300 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:04,279 in uh mentally, but at the end physically, so I 301 00:20:04,319 --> 00:20:07,880 had to get a restraining order. He kept breaking into 302 00:20:08,319 --> 00:20:11,079 I went from that little apartment to an apartment over 303 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,079 It was a cute little apartment over a grocery store, 304 00:20:15,119 --> 00:20:19,279 like a tiny sag Harbor grocery store, restaurant, little thing. 305 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,480 It was like you could have punched the wall and 306 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:26,680 with your fist, in which he did. And I remember 307 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:30,880 him breaking into my apartment to take back this faux 308 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:34,319 shirling coat that he had given me, and he would, 309 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:38,039 you know, he would just like be creeping around and 310 00:20:38,079 --> 00:20:40,799 I had I did. The police said the only way 311 00:20:40,799 --> 00:20:43,319 I stop this is to get a restraining order, and 312 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,519 I did, and he couldn't believe when the when the 313 00:20:45,519 --> 00:20:48,119 cop showed up. He was just like, why are you 314 00:20:48,279 --> 00:20:52,119 doing this to me? Can't believe. I'm like, yeah, bitch, 315 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:56,759 watch this. That's what sobriety can do for us. So anyway, 316 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,759 make a long story short, of course, I get another 317 00:20:58,759 --> 00:21:02,400 boyfriend the minute that except and he can't fly because 318 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,960 he's scared of flying. So we take a train. He's 319 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,160 moving out to LA because he's got a writing gig. 320 00:21:08,759 --> 00:21:11,960 He's a writer. We take the train across the country 321 00:21:12,599 --> 00:21:18,400 to LA and my entrance into LA was that Union Square. Yeah, 322 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,680 all right, is that what it's called? Yeah? 323 00:21:21,279 --> 00:21:27,000 Speaker 1: Oh is Union Station? Union Union Station, which is fas Yes. 324 00:21:27,519 --> 00:21:29,839 Speaker 2: And then getting in a car and going up sunset 325 00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:32,160 and seeing all the billboards and the boob and villa 326 00:21:32,599 --> 00:21:34,359 and everything. I was just like, oh my god, this 327 00:21:34,519 --> 00:21:39,359 is not what I imagined that. And we moved into 328 00:21:39,519 --> 00:21:43,000 La Park Hotel in West Hollywood. That lasted for about 329 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:48,359 three weeks, that relationship, or maybe longer, I don't know, 330 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:53,000 but in it, you know, bless his heart, he got 331 00:21:53,039 --> 00:21:57,880 me here. And from that point I started looking for 332 00:21:58,039 --> 00:22:02,599 a place to teach. Teaching position. I got this big book, 333 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:06,319 got this thick the schools in La. I started interviewing 334 00:22:07,319 --> 00:22:11,880 and it was just daunting, daunting, and being that the 335 00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:15,519 park is in West Hollywood, there was a little cafe 336 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:21,559 bakery called Sweet Lady James on Melrose and I went 337 00:22:21,599 --> 00:22:24,880 in and I said, I started talking to this woman 338 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:28,000 and it was it was Jane, and she said, she said, 339 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:29,200 what are you doing. I said, I'm looking for a 340 00:22:29,279 --> 00:22:31,680 job teaching, And she said, there happens to be a 341 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:36,759 great little school behind me, so behind here, and so 342 00:22:36,839 --> 00:22:39,440 I went, I interviewed, I got the job. It was 343 00:22:40,039 --> 00:22:44,279 like it was truly life changing for me. And I 344 00:22:44,359 --> 00:22:47,599 was I was a good teacher, I was sober. I 345 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:51,759 loved it. And I did that for many years until 346 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:58,400 my back went out. And then next chapter the back pills, 347 00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:03,640 you know, backstore, all the surgeries and opiates. 348 00:23:03,759 --> 00:23:08,359 Speaker 1: I feel like it's so common, Oh my god, yeah, yeah, 349 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:09,480 yes right. 350 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:10,200 Speaker 2: I mean. 351 00:23:12,119 --> 00:23:16,720 Speaker 1: Most people who I know who are alcoholics that have 352 00:23:16,799 --> 00:23:20,400 a relapse have such a similar story. It's a slow 353 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:22,599 It's not just I just decided to I mean, of 354 00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:24,359 course there are people that are like, I'm gonna try 355 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:28,720 drinking again, but I feel like more often it's oh, 356 00:23:28,759 --> 00:23:31,440 I got prescribed pills and then I started taking them 357 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:34,599 and then like oh, then I started slowly, not quite 358 00:23:34,599 --> 00:23:38,720 as directed, and then before you know it, you're addicted. 359 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:44,759 Speaker 2: You know. And I will say that I had in 360 00:23:45,559 --> 00:23:48,799 New York City. I was so plugged in to my 361 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:52,079 program and I had so many people around me that 362 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:57,160 were sober that when I came here, I loved the school. 363 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,960 I was so active, you know, the hours are pretty crazy, 364 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:06,279 and I just I didn't plug into a sober community 365 00:24:06,319 --> 00:24:14,400 really not really, so I didn't have any support after 366 00:24:16,319 --> 00:24:20,200 like you said, I mean, I had a huge, like 367 00:24:20,279 --> 00:24:23,920 a big event where literally my back just went out. 368 00:24:24,519 --> 00:24:31,440 It was horrific pain. I got drop foot. I drugged 369 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:34,720 my foot when I walked, and then and I finished 370 00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:36,960 out the school year. That happened in the late spring, 371 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,160 and I finished out the school year, and then I 372 00:24:39,319 --> 00:24:44,359 proceeded to have two back fusions back to back, and then, 373 00:24:45,039 --> 00:24:48,640 you know, and so this is where it gets a 374 00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:51,680 little hard for me to talk about because even in 375 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:56,279 spite it wasn't like I was I didn't realize I 376 00:24:56,359 --> 00:25:01,119 was addicted. I still wasn't drinking, you know, but I 377 00:25:01,119 --> 00:25:05,279 didn't realize how much I needed this. And I started 378 00:25:05,319 --> 00:25:07,960 going to all the pain doctors and then putting me 379 00:25:08,079 --> 00:25:13,559 on regimens of things like darvaset, which at the time 380 00:25:13,799 --> 00:25:18,079 was actually a decent drug for me, and then it 381 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,319 was taken off the market so that we had to 382 00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:25,039 find something else, and the oxycon came into the picture, 383 00:25:25,079 --> 00:25:28,799 and that's when it just got horrible. 384 00:25:29,079 --> 00:25:32,720 Speaker 1: And would you tell yourself? You know, I mean, I 385 00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:35,400 feel like this is what I would do maybe before 386 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:38,240 I got sober. But I mean, where you go, well, 387 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:42,519 I mean, I'm just I'm in pain, so I really 388 00:25:42,559 --> 00:25:44,759 need to be doing you know, because with the drinking, 389 00:25:44,799 --> 00:25:46,960 it's so clear. It's like, well, I'm drinking and then 390 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:50,519 I blacked out again and then I humiliated myself. Oh 391 00:25:50,599 --> 00:25:52,880 I gotta stop doing that. Oh no, here, I am 392 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,720 doing it again. But with pills, it's so much easier 393 00:25:55,759 --> 00:25:58,839 to rationalize in your brain to go, well, I have 394 00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:02,720 a headache. Me back then, right, but I have a migraine, 395 00:26:02,839 --> 00:26:05,720 so I have to take vic it in. Okay, so 396 00:26:05,759 --> 00:26:07,599 I'm taking so now I don't have a headache and 397 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:10,160 I'm taking it. But still maybe I do kind of 398 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:11,680 have a you know what I mean is that. 399 00:26:12,559 --> 00:26:17,000 Speaker 2: Oh my god, it's so true. And you know, our 400 00:26:18,759 --> 00:26:22,599 I don't know how my brain works differently than say 401 00:26:22,759 --> 00:26:27,119 my husband, who asked recently, was because when he would 402 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:31,440 take a drink of something, it put it down. You know, 403 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:36,640 it just didn't it wasn't it just his brain didn't 404 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:39,720 pick up on it. Or if he never wanted to 405 00:26:39,759 --> 00:26:42,240 take drugs, and if he had to take something for 406 00:26:42,319 --> 00:26:46,720 a surgery, whatever, he took the bare minimum and he 407 00:26:46,799 --> 00:26:47,359 hated it. 408 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:52,880 Speaker 1: Those people didn't really annoy me so annoying. How do 409 00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:54,279 you not like drugs? 410 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:55,160 Speaker 2: Like? What? 411 00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:58,960 Speaker 1: How? How do you not like feeling a bit altered? 412 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,359 It's so fun? Oh my god. 413 00:27:01,799 --> 00:27:05,839 Speaker 2: In the and in the beginning, the romance stage of 414 00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:09,920 all that, it was just like, oh, where have you 415 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:14,000 been all my life? Where have you been? I love 416 00:27:14,119 --> 00:27:17,960 the world. That that which is happening to me, that 417 00:27:18,119 --> 00:27:23,240 is really uncomfortable and really destructive, I don't care about 418 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:30,200 it doesn't bother me. And and then it turns, it turns, 419 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:36,799 and it turned on me. I had the I didn't 420 00:27:36,799 --> 00:27:40,039 want to I didn't want to admit that I wasn't 421 00:27:40,079 --> 00:27:42,279 sober because in my for a long time it's like, well, 422 00:27:42,279 --> 00:27:46,279 I'm not I'm not drinking, I'm an alcoholic, but I 423 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:48,880 need these pills. Well do I need as many as 424 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:56,359 I'm taking no, nobody does, and uh and then it 425 00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:59,839 just turns and I was too I dug myself in 426 00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:04,319 the hold too deeply to ever get honest. So I 427 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:06,079 was in did. 428 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:07,480 Speaker 1: You have a sponsor at the time. 429 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:14,799 Speaker 2: I had a sponsor when I like twenty five years 430 00:28:14,799 --> 00:28:20,640 ago for about a year and a half, and it 431 00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:23,799 really scared me away, not even a year and a half, 432 00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:27,319 for about a year, it scared me away from sponsorship. 433 00:28:27,839 --> 00:28:34,920 It really did very no boundaries. You know, basically wanted 434 00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:39,680 to be a female clancy, a young female clancy, and 435 00:28:39,839 --> 00:28:44,440 was telling me things to do and never it was 436 00:28:44,519 --> 00:28:53,799 just weird. It was weird. And so she had some 437 00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:57,640 severe and ended up having some real severe mental health issues, 438 00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:02,400 and I, you know, I kind of said, hey, you 439 00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:03,160 go deal with that. 440 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:07,279 Speaker 1: So you didn't have somebody that you felt like, oh, 441 00:29:07,319 --> 00:29:10,319 I'm keeping this. You didn't have anybody at that time 442 00:29:10,319 --> 00:29:12,960 that you were like I better run by them, that 443 00:29:13,039 --> 00:29:15,000 I'm going to be taking these pills and that I'm 444 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:17,160 going to be taking more. You didn't have that feel, 445 00:29:17,279 --> 00:29:21,559 that guilt feeling except to yourself. At some point. Was 446 00:29:21,599 --> 00:29:24,240 there a moment that you were like, oh shit, I'm 447 00:29:24,279 --> 00:29:24,880 not sober. 448 00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:33,920 Speaker 2: Yes, I have two adorable nephews who live in Orange 449 00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:40,680 County and they're now early forties, late thirties, early forties, 450 00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:46,200 and at the time they were I remember sitting up 451 00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:54,960 on the hill and outside one night and they had 452 00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:57,960 known me as sober aunt Cindy, you know, and they 453 00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:03,640 were they were cute little party guys who were stoners 454 00:30:03,799 --> 00:30:07,480 and you know, but they weren't. They're not alcoholics or addicts. 455 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:10,799 And we were sitting out one night and I remember 456 00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:18,319 being fucked up and nodding off. I think we were looking, 457 00:30:18,640 --> 00:30:23,079 you know, at stars or whatever, and one of them 458 00:30:23,079 --> 00:30:27,440 looked at me said, yeah, Syd, are you okay? And 459 00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:29,119 you know how that I don't know if you had 460 00:30:29,119 --> 00:30:33,160 that moment where people who you just knew, they knew 461 00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:38,359 that you that was something was really wrong. And that 462 00:30:38,599 --> 00:30:41,279 was the kind of one of the first times I thought, oh, 463 00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:46,319 I'm not I'm not fooling people. I'm not fooling them. 464 00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:51,640 And these are people that look up to me, and 465 00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:54,680 that that her That was the you know, so when 466 00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:59,319 you when I had moments like that and then and 467 00:30:59,359 --> 00:31:06,079 the my my relapse was I'm seven years, three months, 468 00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:08,240 and four days. The only reason I know this because 469 00:31:08,279 --> 00:31:10,160 for some reason it came up. I mean I looked 470 00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:13,119 at it today and I was like, oh, okay. I mean, 471 00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:14,839 I know I was seven years but I didn't know 472 00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:16,759 all the change. 473 00:31:17,079 --> 00:31:17,480 Speaker 3: But for. 474 00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:26,079 Speaker 2: Four or five years before, you know, it was I 475 00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:33,640 was taking pills, kind of kind of sober, mostly sober, 476 00:31:33,839 --> 00:31:38,000 sober ish, sober ish. There you go. And then the 477 00:31:38,119 --> 00:31:44,240 last was last fourth five years, especially the last couple, 478 00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:51,160 the wheels went off. I was such a mess. I mean, 479 00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:54,599 still pretending I was secretary of meetings. 480 00:31:57,039 --> 00:31:57,759 Speaker 1: Were you married? 481 00:31:58,799 --> 00:32:03,119 Speaker 2: I've been married with with Bob for thirty five years. 482 00:32:03,279 --> 00:32:07,119 And the thing is I had I have a chronic 483 00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:13,359 back condition, so I've had ten spinal surgeries. Wow, got 484 00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:20,839 challenging orthopedic surgeries. So he didn't know. I like, how 485 00:32:20,839 --> 00:32:21,160 do you. 486 00:32:23,559 --> 00:32:26,000 Speaker 1: Right, Well, what's he gonna do? Go, you shouldn't be 487 00:32:26,799 --> 00:32:29,960 taking anything for pain, Like, he can't say that, he's 488 00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:33,079 not gonna police you. I get it, And he didn't 489 00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:33,799 know that. 490 00:32:35,720 --> 00:32:40,519 Speaker 2: Yes, the pain management doctor was prescribing something, but I 491 00:32:40,599 --> 00:32:44,279 had also been going to this doctor and getting this 492 00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:48,000 and that. I went to this doctor and got that, 493 00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:52,240 you know, So I was and then in the last 494 00:32:52,599 --> 00:32:58,680 two three years I started ordering stuff online. Because I 495 00:32:58,759 --> 00:33:04,480 needed more, and who knows. I just think it's it's 496 00:33:04,519 --> 00:33:11,400 pretty crazy that I'm a rational person and that I 497 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:15,119 was putting things in my body, a lot of them 498 00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:22,240 that would come DLS delivery and they would be they 499 00:33:22,279 --> 00:33:25,960 would be rapt as like the packs rapt ast toys 500 00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:30,440 look like gifts and little toys. Or one time I 501 00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:33,960 got a big book where the inside had been carved 502 00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:39,920 out and the pills were all inside the book. They 503 00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:42,400 would this woman would call me up I had a 504 00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:48,000 I would wire her money and she would say, well, 505 00:33:48,039 --> 00:33:51,160 we're having a special on valium. 506 00:33:52,559 --> 00:33:58,920 Speaker 1: Oh well throw some of those in hell Yeah. 507 00:33:57,000 --> 00:34:01,039 Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly, I think. And it was. 508 00:34:01,480 --> 00:34:03,799 Speaker 1: Jeans at the gap, you know. Oh you're saying like 509 00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:07,160 buy one, get one fifty percent off. Yeah, okay, give 510 00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:10,400 me the second pair. Am I stupid? 511 00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:17,199 Speaker 2: Am I fool? Right? Oh? My god? Even though I 512 00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:22,119 taste like gasoline, uh huh literally, I mean literally, you know, 513 00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:25,159 it just was. I don't know if you've ever done 514 00:34:25,159 --> 00:34:31,280 that where you've gone to think someplace in China or whatever, 515 00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:36,760 and the you'll get say this and it'll smell like diesel. 516 00:34:38,039 --> 00:34:41,000 Well that's all the pills that I were taking tasted 517 00:34:41,119 --> 00:34:41,719 like diesel. 518 00:34:43,840 --> 00:34:46,679 Speaker 1: You know what else tastes like diesel is soaki, and 519 00:34:46,719 --> 00:34:50,599 I used to swear by it. I mean, the biggest 520 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:53,320 thing that was depressing to me was when I quit drinking, 521 00:34:53,400 --> 00:34:55,679 was that I couldn't have saki with my sushi, and 522 00:34:55,679 --> 00:34:59,159 I always had to remind myself it tastes terrible. It 523 00:34:59,199 --> 00:35:02,679 tastes like light fluid. What are you so sad about? 524 00:35:03,639 --> 00:35:09,840 Speaker 2: I love Papa. Yeah, it's kind of the same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 525 00:35:09,880 --> 00:35:12,639 Papa's a little bit better because they'd throw some raisins 526 00:35:12,679 --> 00:35:13,000 in there. 527 00:35:15,599 --> 00:35:19,239 Speaker 1: Okay, So what's the moment that you're like, this can't go. 528 00:35:19,719 --> 00:35:22,400 I gotta I gotta come clean. Because you don't have 529 00:35:22,559 --> 00:35:28,079 somebody calling you on it exactly, so you have to 530 00:35:28,119 --> 00:35:30,800 do this yourself. You don't have somebody who's like, Cindy, 531 00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:35,000 you are not sober, you're fucked up. You have your 532 00:35:35,119 --> 00:35:38,199 nephew saying you don't seem sober, the hinting, oh, but 533 00:35:38,280 --> 00:35:40,960 you don't have somebody going you gotta come clean. So 534 00:35:41,039 --> 00:35:44,440 that came from you. That was a moment of vulnerability, 535 00:35:44,519 --> 00:35:45,559 a moment of strength. 536 00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:53,039 Speaker 2: What happened last the last few months in twenty eighteen, 537 00:35:56,239 --> 00:36:00,000 because I got sober on the twenty third of January 538 00:36:00,519 --> 00:36:10,920 twenty nineteen, like, I started having seizures. Oh, and I 539 00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:20,519 can't question what was what my husband? I mean a 540 00:36:20,519 --> 00:36:25,199 lot of times he would find me after seizures, so 541 00:36:25,320 --> 00:36:32,960 I would be out cold on the floor. He had 542 00:36:33,039 --> 00:36:36,679 called nine one one a couple of times. I went 543 00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:41,840 to the don't I don't know how I somehow I 544 00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:46,159 convinced him it was a combination of the pain meds 545 00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:50,159 the doctor was given me and I had eaten. But 546 00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:52,400 I was just such a mess and he was He 547 00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:59,559 had to have been in denial, so much denial. Yeah, 548 00:36:59,639 --> 00:37:02,559 that's you know, and that's between I mean, he's as 549 00:37:02,599 --> 00:37:07,440 you know, past So I can't say hey, but I 550 00:37:07,480 --> 00:37:09,639 will say it wasn't a moment that I was like, oh, 551 00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:14,039 I think I need help. It literally was an evening 552 00:37:15,840 --> 00:37:19,679 after a day of trying to get high, remember like 553 00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:23,159 when you try to get drunk, and it just didn't 554 00:37:23,159 --> 00:37:26,639 get that warm, fuzzy feeling anymore. Yes, I spent the 555 00:37:27,079 --> 00:37:32,400 entire afternoon trying I'm just going to take a couple 556 00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:34,840 of more. I'm going to take a couple of more. 557 00:37:35,679 --> 00:37:42,599 And my body wasn't working properly. I couldn't hold things. 558 00:37:42,679 --> 00:37:46,760 I literally, like if you had asked me to my hands, 559 00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:53,159 neurologically couldn't do it. And Bob came home early one 560 00:37:53,719 --> 00:37:57,800 from work and I didn't want him to see me, 561 00:37:57,960 --> 00:38:02,079 so I went upstairs. I don't know what I thought 562 00:38:02,119 --> 00:38:04,400 I was going to do, maybe take a nap or something, 563 00:38:05,639 --> 00:38:08,440 and that's the last I remember. He said, he heard 564 00:38:08,599 --> 00:38:13,039 me fall. He went in. I was seizuring, he said, 565 00:38:13,079 --> 00:38:15,800 for a long time. He called nine to one one. 566 00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:19,920 The paramedics came while while he was waiting for them. 567 00:38:20,639 --> 00:38:23,280 At the time, we had three dogs were barking. He 568 00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:27,960 was on the phone with the person her giving me 569 00:38:28,119 --> 00:38:31,480 him directions of what to do for me, so I 570 00:38:31,599 --> 00:38:36,519 didn't vombit and throw up or whatever you do when 571 00:38:36,559 --> 00:38:39,199 you're you said. My eyes were rolled back and my 572 00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:46,519 body was all rigid, and he was terrified. And the 573 00:38:46,599 --> 00:38:52,000 next thing I know, I remember being put begging, you know, 574 00:38:52,079 --> 00:38:55,800 in sort of a haze, no please, please, don't take 575 00:38:55,840 --> 00:38:56,760 me please. 576 00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:57,199 Speaker 1: And. 577 00:39:00,599 --> 00:39:06,000 Speaker 2: Wheeled into the ambulance to go with the fire trucks 578 00:39:06,079 --> 00:39:14,440 and everything to I think it was Saint Joe's and 579 00:39:14,480 --> 00:39:18,360 it's it's all very vague, but I just coming to 580 00:39:19,719 --> 00:39:22,599 and the doctors standing there and Bob's standing there and 581 00:39:22,639 --> 00:39:24,960 them saying, we need to know what have you what 582 00:39:25,039 --> 00:39:28,119 have you been taking? And it was just like that 583 00:39:28,239 --> 00:39:34,079 moment of just like I'm busted, I'm so busted and 584 00:39:34,159 --> 00:39:39,000 I'm so exhausted. So here's what I've done. And that 585 00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:40,320 that was my moment. 586 00:39:41,639 --> 00:39:43,920 Speaker 1: And that was it. Or did you tight trade off 587 00:39:44,320 --> 00:39:45,960 or did you just stop cold turkey? 588 00:39:46,559 --> 00:39:52,840 Speaker 2: I stopped cold turkey everything except for the valume, because 589 00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:58,079 valume you cannot I had to tie trade off that. 590 00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:02,000 But when I got out, they were going to fifty 591 00:40:02,039 --> 00:40:07,280 one fifty me because I said something to the effect of, oh, 592 00:40:07,800 --> 00:40:10,320 what's the use I don't want to be here. I 593 00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:14,199 said that, I guess in the emergency room, and I 594 00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:19,880 remember them bringing this monitor and talking to the psychiatrist 595 00:40:19,880 --> 00:40:25,960 there at the hospital, and then my Bob having my 596 00:40:26,079 --> 00:40:31,880 therapists on the phone, and somehow we convinced them that 597 00:40:31,960 --> 00:40:36,519 I would be okay, I would be supervised at home. 598 00:40:37,039 --> 00:40:42,519 So I came home. I cold turkeyed off all the vicodin, 599 00:40:43,119 --> 00:40:49,679 the tramadol, the extra strength tramadoll is getting online and 600 00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:55,360 it was brutal for a few days. Yep. 601 00:40:56,199 --> 00:40:58,719 Speaker 1: Yeah, And then. 602 00:41:00,079 --> 00:41:05,039 Speaker 2: I just throw this in if anyone list is listening 603 00:41:06,119 --> 00:41:08,599 as hard as it was, because you get you know, 604 00:41:10,679 --> 00:41:12,960 by the time I got here, had sores in my mouth, 605 00:41:13,039 --> 00:41:15,199 I had thrushed in my throat because I had quit 606 00:41:15,239 --> 00:41:19,559 producing saliva. I was going to a specialist at Cedars 607 00:41:20,119 --> 00:41:25,480 for to produce saliva. They were giving medication for that. 608 00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:29,559 I had really bad hemorrhoids, not only because I couldn't poop, 609 00:41:29,559 --> 00:41:32,960 but I literally could not be urinate. I would sit 610 00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:37,400 on the toilet and try. My body was so shut down. 611 00:41:38,119 --> 00:41:42,719 So when I got home, and I was so scared, 612 00:41:43,159 --> 00:41:45,840 and I knew physically, but I thought, you know what, 613 00:41:46,039 --> 00:41:51,239 if you're an addict, you've gone through withdrawals all the time. 614 00:41:51,599 --> 00:41:54,400 Maybe not the big one. I'm about to hit the 615 00:41:54,440 --> 00:42:01,000 big one, but probably on a alm a daily basis, 616 00:42:01,039 --> 00:42:04,199 because or weekly basis. I could never get the drugs 617 00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:07,559 and enough drugs that I wanted to keep my body 618 00:42:07,639 --> 00:42:11,679 in that sustained point. 619 00:42:12,000 --> 00:42:15,960 Speaker 1: Yeah, so that's it. So you went through that, and 620 00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:19,320 then you slowly got off the volume. When I got sober, 621 00:42:19,360 --> 00:42:24,559 I had to get off of a xanax. Yeah, same thing, 622 00:42:25,639 --> 00:42:29,239 so hard because the anxiety is just a killer, and 623 00:42:29,239 --> 00:42:33,880 and uh, withdrawal syndrome off those kind of metas are 624 00:42:34,039 --> 00:42:38,000 is intense. But I was so happy when I when 625 00:42:38,039 --> 00:42:39,400 I was done. 626 00:42:41,039 --> 00:42:44,159 Speaker 2: Me too, me too, and and and I have to say, 627 00:42:44,199 --> 00:42:47,880 I was just I think I still had that plan Stephanie, 628 00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:51,800 that I was going to uh not tell anyone what 629 00:42:51,960 --> 00:42:54,360 was really going on, and I would still go to 630 00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:59,760 my meetings and and seriously, my plan was I was 631 00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:03,239 going to get a year on my own. I mean 632 00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:06,519 like going to meetings, but get a year. And then 633 00:43:06,559 --> 00:43:09,519 I'd raise my hand and say, hey, I don't have 634 00:43:09,760 --> 00:43:14,719 eighteen years. I've got one year. But everything's fine. 635 00:43:15,039 --> 00:43:15,840 Speaker 1: I like that plan. 636 00:43:16,440 --> 00:43:20,000 Speaker 2: It was a good plan. It was an easy plan. 637 00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:24,760 And about a week after my detox, you know, like 638 00:43:24,880 --> 00:43:28,280 at home, I went to a women's meeting and I 639 00:43:28,400 --> 00:43:30,519 was the last person. This woman looked at me and 640 00:43:30,559 --> 00:43:32,840 she said, I don't know what. I don't know what 641 00:43:33,079 --> 00:43:35,920 gave it away. The fact that my clothes were falling off, 642 00:43:36,320 --> 00:43:39,320 my hair was you know, kind of coming out, and 643 00:43:39,400 --> 00:43:41,440 she said, would you like to share? And I just 644 00:43:41,599 --> 00:43:45,159 let it all come out as a guy, I haven't 645 00:43:45,199 --> 00:43:47,719 been sober, and la la la, la la la. And 646 00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:53,920 that's when that's when it just I was so grateful. Yeah, 647 00:43:54,760 --> 00:43:56,159 that's when it kind of changed for me. 648 00:43:57,519 --> 00:44:02,719 Speaker 1: That was you said twenty nineteen. I mean, I remember 649 00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:06,440 you very well from that period of time. I remember 650 00:44:06,480 --> 00:44:10,719 a lot of your your shares and uh, really really 651 00:44:10,800 --> 00:44:14,639 beautiful and inspiring and my favorite when people are just 652 00:44:14,719 --> 00:44:18,679 really honest about where they are. So then I'm sure 653 00:44:18,719 --> 00:44:22,800 you're going regularly and like recommitting. But then a year 654 00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:30,360 into that COVID hits. Was that hard because if it 655 00:44:30,400 --> 00:44:35,280 was January, by March, by March the following year, no meetings, 656 00:44:35,480 --> 00:44:39,079 everything's shut down, everything's online. But at least you had 657 00:44:39,960 --> 00:44:40,559 that year. 658 00:44:41,880 --> 00:44:47,159 Speaker 2: I you know, I'm I had. Oh my god, I 659 00:44:47,199 --> 00:44:53,400 was just so grateful not to be doing that whole scam. 660 00:44:53,920 --> 00:44:57,360 Oh my god. It was exhausting. And that my life 661 00:44:57,960 --> 00:45:03,159 even before COD it was so simple, meeting every day 662 00:45:03,559 --> 00:45:08,719 I did. I saw a wonderful addiction specialist. I went 663 00:45:08,760 --> 00:45:14,639 to a hypnotherapist from UCLA once a week for a year. 664 00:45:15,360 --> 00:45:18,079 I have her sessions on my tape on my phone 665 00:45:18,719 --> 00:45:24,840 to help me learn how to deal with pain without meds. 666 00:45:26,599 --> 00:45:30,800 So no, it wasn't when we shut down, you know 667 00:45:31,559 --> 00:45:37,440 AA and my well, my community AA, our community went 668 00:45:37,559 --> 00:45:41,400 right into zoom, and I was on two or three 669 00:45:41,519 --> 00:45:46,800 meetings a day because it was not really and since then, 670 00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:50,280 I mean, I have friends all over the world. It's insane, 671 00:45:50,519 --> 00:45:51,880 it's crazy. I love it. 672 00:45:53,519 --> 00:45:57,480 Speaker 1: I mean, I think that it's such a hopeful story, 673 00:45:57,679 --> 00:46:01,400 and just for me personally, I appreciate a story like 674 00:46:01,440 --> 00:46:06,079 yours because it's hard when people are like and I'm 675 00:46:06,119 --> 00:46:08,519 talking about could be programmed, could be outside. It's hard 676 00:46:08,519 --> 00:46:10,840 when people are just like yeah, and I realized I 677 00:46:10,880 --> 00:46:14,079 was an alcoholic and then I quit, and I'm just like, 678 00:46:14,280 --> 00:46:18,880 my life, my life became amazing, and I'm just so 679 00:46:18,920 --> 00:46:24,119 grateful every day. It's like usually there's some work involved 680 00:46:24,199 --> 00:46:29,119 and also some shitty times involved, and some truths that 681 00:46:29,159 --> 00:46:33,239 we discover about ourselves. I feel like, if you're doing 682 00:46:33,320 --> 00:46:38,760 it in a meaningful way and not living life on 683 00:46:38,840 --> 00:46:41,840 a really surface level, you're going to discover some things 684 00:46:41,880 --> 00:46:44,880 about your life or about your past, or about like 685 00:46:45,000 --> 00:46:47,719 how you how you operate that are not going to 686 00:46:47,760 --> 00:46:50,880 be pleasant and you're gonna have to have some moments 687 00:46:50,880 --> 00:46:53,840 where you go, ooh, I wasn't doing as well as 688 00:46:53,880 --> 00:46:54,880 I thought I was. 689 00:46:55,519 --> 00:47:01,800 Speaker 2: Stephanie Taylor, I was crazy as a loon here, crazy 690 00:47:01,840 --> 00:47:07,239 as a loone grateful, but I think of some things 691 00:47:07,280 --> 00:47:12,800 I did and said, I'm just like whoa, sister, Whoa, 692 00:47:13,039 --> 00:47:18,440 And yeah, you're right, it was hard, but I also, 693 00:47:21,440 --> 00:47:24,679 you know, I had my own you hear people like 694 00:47:25,039 --> 00:47:28,880 this wonderful lady Lily who spoke at my meeting this morning, 695 00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:33,400 and beautiful young girl in prison, was in prison and 696 00:47:33,440 --> 00:47:37,039 now she's she's out. But I didn't have that story. 697 00:47:37,079 --> 00:47:40,239 But the prison of like just the lies and the 698 00:47:40,760 --> 00:47:45,679 getting and trying to figure it all out. It just 699 00:47:46,239 --> 00:47:49,719 I think the baseline for me was just gratitude not 700 00:47:49,800 --> 00:47:53,239 to have that. I gained a bunch of weight when 701 00:47:53,239 --> 00:47:57,800 I got sober. You know, for me that was hard 702 00:47:57,800 --> 00:48:00,280 because I've always been a certain and you know, part 703 00:48:00,280 --> 00:48:02,599 of being Southern is you got to look a certain way. 704 00:48:03,320 --> 00:48:07,599 And my prayer was, God, I am willing to stay sober. 705 00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:10,679 Please help me stay sober, even with his big fat ass, 706 00:48:11,280 --> 00:48:17,760 you know. And you know and like, yeah, and so 707 00:48:17,920 --> 00:48:19,719 much has changed. Like you said, it does take a 708 00:48:19,760 --> 00:48:23,760 lot of work. And whether it's therapy or for me, 709 00:48:23,920 --> 00:48:28,280 it's twelve steps of just looking at where I was 710 00:48:29,079 --> 00:48:34,519 constantly trying to manipulate people so you'll like me and 711 00:48:34,559 --> 00:48:38,920 you'll tell me. I'm okay. I don't want to manipulate anymore. 712 00:48:39,440 --> 00:48:42,480 I still try, you know, it still happens, but it's 713 00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:44,760 a lot less and I'll just catch it and go, 714 00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:47,320 oh no, I'm not I'm not going to get that 715 00:48:47,440 --> 00:48:51,000 validation from that person. I got it. There's got to 716 00:48:51,039 --> 00:48:58,760 be something and for me is become a joy whatever this. 717 00:48:58,960 --> 00:49:01,480 I do believe there's some sort of a force that 718 00:49:02,800 --> 00:49:09,800 connects us. I'm different than I was seven and seven 719 00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:12,519 years and three months ago or four months ago. I'm 720 00:49:12,559 --> 00:49:17,039 a different like inside how I can and that is 721 00:49:17,280 --> 00:49:19,159 just there's something going on there. 722 00:49:20,119 --> 00:49:23,000 Speaker 1: Well, it's beautiful and I thank you so much for 723 00:49:23,039 --> 00:49:25,880 sharing your story with our listeners. I think there's so 724 00:49:25,960 --> 00:49:29,239 much hope there. I even got to chapter two. 725 00:49:32,800 --> 00:49:33,719 Speaker 2: Thank you, Cindy. 726 00:49:33,840 --> 00:49:37,480 Speaker 1: I love that's it. But don't hang up, But don't 727 00:49:37,480 --> 00:49:37,840 hang up. 728 00:49:38,440 --> 00:49:42,880 Speaker 2: Yeah wait, yeah, one more blast this costume change? 729 00:49:43,079 --> 00:49:44,760 Speaker 1: Okay, keep a lot. 730 00:49:45,199 --> 00:49:45,840 Speaker 2: What about these? 731 00:49:45,920 --> 00:49:48,280 Speaker 1: Oh those are cute? Okay, very cute. 732 00:49:48,519 --> 00:49:51,079 Speaker 2: I'll sit here and be quiet. Bye. 733 00:49:51,159 --> 00:50:00,559 Speaker 1: Everybody in line. 734 00:50:01,000 --> 00:50:03,719 Speaker 2: If is good, luck is geting. 735 00:50:06,039 --> 00:50:09,079 Speaker 1: Getting a dart, it's time to come. 736 00:50:09,239 --> 00:50:09,559 Speaker 2: It be