WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.599 --> 00:00:57.399 Weird. We welcome back midnight viewers to Father Malone's weekly 2 00:00:57.600 --> 00:01:00.679 round up. I'm Father Malone, and sitting to me in 3 00:01:00.759 --> 00:01:04.760 a one horse open sleigh is Miss Ripley Jean. You 4 00:01:04.840 --> 00:01:07.719 are never going near a one horse open sleigh you 5 00:01:07.799 --> 00:01:11.680 and horses. No, it'd be like that dog's barking jingle 6 00:01:11.719 --> 00:01:14.120 bells song that will no doubt be hearing this month, 7 00:01:14.359 --> 00:01:17.799 except without the melody. Yes, it's the holiday season, so 8 00:01:18.000 --> 00:01:20.719 there's every possibility will be wall to wall Christmas horror 9 00:01:20.760 --> 00:01:23.719 movies here at the Roundup, but not this week. We're 10 00:01:23.719 --> 00:01:28.480 doing unconventional Christmas movies today. Your Lethal Weapons, Your Long Kiss, 11 00:01:28.480 --> 00:01:32.159 Good Nights, Your Last Boy, Scouts, basically anything written by 12 00:01:32.200 --> 00:01:35.680 Shane Black, Your Kiss, Kiss, Bang Bangs. You're Nice Guys? 13 00:01:36.079 --> 00:01:38.439 Was the Predator set at Christmas? If it isn't, it 14 00:01:38.439 --> 00:01:40.280 should have been. You know, he gets shipped for doing 15 00:01:40.319 --> 00:01:42.799 that set in every movie in Los Angeles at Christmas. 16 00:01:42.920 --> 00:01:45.319 I think it's endlessly charming, and I guess you have 17 00:01:45.359 --> 00:01:47.439 to spend some time there to appreciate the artifice of 18 00:01:47.480 --> 00:01:50.879 it all. There's absolutely no discernible change in your surroundings 19 00:01:50.959 --> 00:01:53.840 except for one month. All the street lights are festooned 20 00:01:53.840 --> 00:01:57.680 with glitter and tinsel. It's surreal and wonderful, which is 21 00:01:57.719 --> 00:02:00.400 a good way to introduce our first film if I 22 00:02:00.439 --> 00:02:03.719 was describing it to you with total irony. This is 23 00:02:03.799 --> 00:02:09.039 Red One. 24 00:02:06.879 --> 00:02:13.639 Four eight, four hundred and ninety nine five hundred. 25 00:02:14.719 --> 00:02:18.159 Let's go heavy, got it? Constronged? 26 00:02:18.240 --> 00:02:18.400 Nick? 27 00:02:18.560 --> 00:02:24.439 God, brush your shoulders, salt. Red One is gonna Loover evening? Ladies, 28 00:02:24.840 --> 00:02:33.599 what are you so excited about? Of course your boyfriend's here. Okay, 29 00:02:33.599 --> 00:02:41.039 who's with Red? Someone took Nick. We're gonna find him. 30 00:02:41.599 --> 00:02:44.759 I'm bringing in Jack O'Malley. He's probably the best tracker 31 00:02:44.759 --> 00:02:48.479 in the world. You guy's a legend. 32 00:02:52.120 --> 00:02:53.199 What am I doing here? 33 00:02:53.400 --> 00:02:53.960 Last night? 34 00:02:54.199 --> 00:02:57.439 Red One, also known as Saint Nicholas Myra, was abducted 35 00:02:57.560 --> 00:02:58.840 from the North Pole Complex. 36 00:03:00.280 --> 00:03:06.759 Are you saying Santa Claus has been kidnapped? Garcia? What? 37 00:03:07.759 --> 00:03:09.919 You can't trust this guy? He's on the list? You 38 00:03:09.960 --> 00:03:13.319 don't mean that list NL four? Are you telling me 39 00:03:13.439 --> 00:03:17.120 this clown is a level four naughty lister, A level 40 00:03:17.240 --> 00:03:21.680 four naughty lister. Oh so funny. You're gonna help us 41 00:03:21.680 --> 00:03:28.360 find Nick? Come on, let's go. There is much in 42 00:03:28.439 --> 00:03:32.159 here that is not of the natural world. Who's that grampus. 43 00:03:32.360 --> 00:03:34.439 What are they doing? They're playing crapsh slop. 44 00:03:38.960 --> 00:03:40.599 Think if you don't need me here, I might just 45 00:03:40.639 --> 00:03:45.280 go back to the car. We need to prepare for 46 00:03:45.319 --> 00:03:46.840 the possibility of no Christmas. 47 00:03:49.680 --> 00:03:51.759 There's worst ways to go out and trying to save 48 00:03:51.800 --> 00:04:03.719 Santa Claus. 49 00:04:05.879 --> 00:04:08.319 Last week I'd bemoaned spending two hundred and fifty million 50 00:04:08.400 --> 00:04:11.960 dollars on Gladiator two. I take it back. That was 51 00:04:12.000 --> 00:04:14.960 a wise investment given the level of filmmaking going on there. 52 00:04:15.400 --> 00:04:19.120 Red One a whimsical children's Christmas movie. It has to 53 00:04:19.120 --> 00:04:21.079 be a kid's movie, because if it's not, then the 54 00:04:21.079 --> 00:04:23.680 filmmakers hate us, or at least hold us in some 55 00:04:23.800 --> 00:04:27.839 kind of contempt. Also cost two hundred and fifty million dollars. 56 00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:32.000 Elf cost thirty three and they shot that in New York. 57 00:04:32.519 --> 00:04:34.639 But then Elf seemed to come from a place of love. 58 00:04:35.040 --> 00:04:36.920 You know how every year, someone you know, or some 59 00:04:37.040 --> 00:04:40.399 hacked television reporter will inform us that Christmas has become 60 00:04:40.480 --> 00:04:44.879 too commercialized. Red One is that sentiment in cinematic form, 61 00:04:45.240 --> 00:04:49.040 an incredibly bald cash grab, an attempt at a franchise. 62 00:04:49.519 --> 00:04:51.920 Our first clue should have been the author, Chris Morgan, 63 00:04:52.360 --> 00:04:55.000 The mad bastard behind the Fast and the Furious films. 64 00:04:55.240 --> 00:04:57.800 You don't hire him for a standalone though that would 65 00:04:57.800 --> 00:04:59.800 be a subtle hint. The big cleague light of a 66 00:04:59.839 --> 00:05:02.759 hitt is that anything with Dwayne Johnson, and it is 67 00:05:02.800 --> 00:05:06.120 an attempt at a franchise. So here's the plot. Chris Kringle, 68 00:05:06.160 --> 00:05:09.319 help us all Santa is real. He's got a bodyguard, 69 00:05:09.399 --> 00:05:12.399 he gets kidnapped. Bodyguard turns to a regular human who 70 00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:14.279 hates Christmas. But it is a hell of a tracker 71 00:05:14.319 --> 00:05:17.800 to find him. Guess what happens? Well before Captain America 72 00:05:17.800 --> 00:05:20.560 can figure out that Christmas is magic thanks to Black Adam, 73 00:05:20.720 --> 00:05:23.120 we have to visit all the other holiday folk. See, 74 00:05:23.199 --> 00:05:26.600 there's an organization that keeps peace between the mythological creatures 75 00:05:26.600 --> 00:05:30.439 and Jesus Christ. How about it's just too foggy to 76 00:05:30.439 --> 00:05:32.639 deliver the presence and you need a special reindeer to 77 00:05:32.680 --> 00:05:35.879 do it. This is a bastardized Men in Black slash 78 00:05:36.000 --> 00:05:39.680 Nightmare Before Christmas slash Marvel film. Is Chris Morgan just 79 00:05:39.720 --> 00:05:42.639 a pseudonym for an AI bot? Because if you just 80 00:05:42.680 --> 00:05:45.240 fed in what people like about Christmas movies, out would 81 00:05:45.240 --> 00:05:49.199 pop this thing. What's particularly galling a side of everything is. 82 00:05:49.279 --> 00:05:52.920 It was directed by Jake Kasden. I had the highest 83 00:05:52.959 --> 00:05:55.720 of hopes for him as a filmmaker, son of one 84 00:05:55.720 --> 00:05:59.319 of the best screenwriters pound for pound ever produced, Lawrence Kasten. 85 00:05:59.519 --> 00:06:03.839 Empire Strikes Back, Raiders, The Lost Dark, Silverado, Continental Divide 86 00:06:03.920 --> 00:06:07.120 is a great script. Now, I know, talent isn't genetic, 87 00:06:07.439 --> 00:06:10.240 although in Jason Rerightman's case, I think he inherited all 88 00:06:10.279 --> 00:06:13.199 of his dad's talent. But Kasden's first film is the 89 00:06:13.360 --> 00:06:17.639 absolutely terrific Zero Effect with Bill Pullman. It's a modern 90 00:06:17.720 --> 00:06:20.639 day take on Sherlock Holmes. It's literally an adaptation of 91 00:06:20.639 --> 00:06:24.639 Scandal in Bohemia. But it is so odd and so fun, 92 00:06:25.120 --> 00:06:28.560 just absolutely bucking all nods to what a commercial film 93 00:06:28.560 --> 00:06:32.759 should be. An unlikable lead, a convoluted and at times 94 00:06:32.759 --> 00:06:36.879 completely inessential plot, a studio film that was a gentle 95 00:06:37.040 --> 00:06:40.680 character study. Oh Man, the future looks bright for young Kasden, 96 00:06:40.920 --> 00:06:43.800 and then he did Walk Hard. The Dewey Cox Story 97 00:06:44.040 --> 00:06:46.879 a film that has forever sharpened my criticism when it 98 00:06:46.879 --> 00:06:51.680 comes to musical biopics. And it's absolutely hilarious. You know 99 00:06:51.759 --> 00:06:56.199 what's not funny? Red One, Not one joke Lands I 100 00:06:56.240 --> 00:06:59.079 did like the polar Bear, and Crampis is great. He's 101 00:06:59.079 --> 00:07:02.519 played by Christopher heive you, that crazy redheaded wildling from 102 00:07:02.600 --> 00:07:04.519 Game of Thrones, and he was in the prequel to 103 00:07:04.519 --> 00:07:06.680 the thing. He is always great. But here's the thing. 104 00:07:06.759 --> 00:07:09.800 All the flights of fancy and glittering CGI cities and 105 00:07:09.839 --> 00:07:12.800 talking polar bears can't disguise the fact that there's not 106 00:07:13.000 --> 00:07:16.439 one original thing going on here. Let me describe Chris 107 00:07:16.480 --> 00:07:21.199 Evans' introductory scene. Now, he's a world class mercenary minus 108 00:07:21.199 --> 00:07:24.800 the military garb and training. He's hired by clandestine wealthy 109 00:07:24.839 --> 00:07:28.160 people to infiltrate enemies and steal secrets, which is what 110 00:07:28.199 --> 00:07:30.920 he's doing in the opening scene. While on his way 111 00:07:30.959 --> 00:07:34.199 to do that job, he goes through a Starbucks, steals 112 00:07:34.199 --> 00:07:38.560 a coffee, steals a newspaper, and continues to the job. Ooh, 113 00:07:38.600 --> 00:07:41.120 he's slick. We're meant to think he's a real troublemaker 114 00:07:41.120 --> 00:07:43.759 this one. What if there was a cop in that Starbucks? 115 00:07:44.079 --> 00:07:46.079 Even if he's slick, even if he can talk his 116 00:07:46.120 --> 00:07:48.240 way out of it, why would he seek the attention 117 00:07:48.439 --> 00:07:50.759 on his way to a highly illegal job that he's 118 00:07:50.800 --> 00:07:53.759 being paid no doubt? Hundreds of thousands of dollars to due. 119 00:07:54.319 --> 00:07:56.680 And it's not like he's reckless this way at any 120 00:07:56.680 --> 00:08:00.439 other point in the film, it's just boring shorthand what's 121 00:08:00.480 --> 00:08:02.759 the laziest way we can show you who this guy is. 122 00:08:03.199 --> 00:08:06.040 This occurs immediately after I should point out a flashback 123 00:08:06.079 --> 00:08:08.879 to him as a child behaving in exactly the same fashion, 124 00:08:09.079 --> 00:08:12.800 A hat on a hat. Two hundred and fifty million dollars. 125 00:08:13.120 --> 00:08:16.759 Back in eighty five, the Salkins, the Superman producers, they 126 00:08:16.839 --> 00:08:20.120 released a thirty million dollar flop called Santa Claus the Movie, 127 00:08:20.199 --> 00:08:22.079 a movie I'll note that was originally going to be 128 00:08:22.120 --> 00:08:24.839 directed by John Carpenter. He got as far as casting. 129 00:08:25.040 --> 00:08:27.600 People thought they were nuts spending that money on that 130 00:08:27.800 --> 00:08:30.120 idea for a movie, and it was a flop, but 131 00:08:30.279 --> 00:08:33.279 it was original and it had John Lithgow as the villain. 132 00:08:33.679 --> 00:08:36.679 Red One has Kiernan Shipka, an actress. I still can't 133 00:08:36.679 --> 00:08:38.840 figure out if she's any good or if I just 134 00:08:38.879 --> 00:08:41.039 remember her fondly from Mad Men. Gee. I want to 135 00:08:41.080 --> 00:08:45.279 say something really positive about Red One here. Evidently a 136 00:08:45.320 --> 00:08:47.799 good fifty million dollars of the budget was because of 137 00:08:47.840 --> 00:08:50.960 delays due to Dwayne Johnson. I guess anything that reduces 138 00:08:51.000 --> 00:08:55.120 his role in popular entertainment is a positive on that level. 139 00:08:55.279 --> 00:08:58.320 I highly recommend red One Boy. You said it, you 140 00:08:58.440 --> 00:09:01.240 go next, HP, for the love of all that is tense, 141 00:09:01.240 --> 00:09:02.120 will get us out of here. 142 00:09:04.240 --> 00:09:04.519 Sip. 143 00:09:08.480 --> 00:09:12.759 That's right, HP. And right after this, the lovely Darlene 144 00:09:12.799 --> 00:09:16.039 Love is stomping behind to sing, baby, please come home. 145 00:09:16.519 --> 00:09:19.720 What do you have for us? Rip? Wow, that's a 146 00:09:19.799 --> 00:09:24.159 Christmas movie? Yeah, you're right. Holy shit. Speaking of terrible movies, 147 00:09:24.559 --> 00:09:33.240 this is Cobra. Society is breeding a new kind of criminal. 148 00:09:34.720 --> 00:09:38.480 It's also breeding a new kind of cup. Meet Cobra. 149 00:09:38.759 --> 00:09:40.440 He does the job nobody wants. 150 00:09:57.600 --> 00:09:59.519 Did you use unnecessary deadly force? 151 00:10:00.120 --> 00:10:02.440 I used everything I had. You know you have an 152 00:10:02.440 --> 00:10:08.519 attitude problem. Yeah, but it's just a little one. You 153 00:10:08.559 --> 00:10:10.240 think you would recognize what you saw him? 154 00:10:10.240 --> 00:10:10.519 You ken? 155 00:10:12.480 --> 00:10:14.000 Yeah, what was it? 156 00:10:14.120 --> 00:10:14.279 Kill? 157 00:10:14.279 --> 00:10:15.879 You? Do what you have to do to get a 158 00:10:15.960 --> 00:10:19.200 lead on this mania. If I find do what you 159 00:10:19.240 --> 00:10:42.879 do best? Just alone. Is Cobra the strong arm of 160 00:10:42.919 --> 00:10:54.879 the law. Crime is the disease. He's the cure. Late 161 00:10:54.960 --> 00:10:57.639 in nineteen eighty five, I went to a creation convention. 162 00:10:58.039 --> 00:11:00.240 You used to refer to sci fi conventions by who 163 00:11:00.279 --> 00:11:02.679 was putting it on back in the day that meant creation. 164 00:11:03.360 --> 00:11:05.639 When a convention was a little more pointed, like Star 165 00:11:05.720 --> 00:11:08.240 Trek or Doctor Who, they would probably call them one 166 00:11:08.240 --> 00:11:10.039 of those, but they were still being put on by 167 00:11:10.080 --> 00:11:13.200 creation anyway. Late in eighty five, I had become friendly 168 00:11:13.200 --> 00:11:15.120 with a bunch of poster dealers, and one of them 169 00:11:15.120 --> 00:11:17.000 pulled me aside because he had a brand new one 170 00:11:17.000 --> 00:11:19.039 sheet for a film that wouldn't be coming out until 171 00:11:19.080 --> 00:11:22.960 the following year. My twelve year old heart nearly exploded 172 00:11:22.960 --> 00:11:25.039 when he pulled out that red and black image of 173 00:11:25.159 --> 00:11:28.559 sunglassed and match stick sliced alone with some high tech 174 00:11:28.600 --> 00:11:31.799 looking machine pistol in his hand with a laser sight. 175 00:11:32.200 --> 00:11:34.159 I bought it that day, and I hung it on 176 00:11:34.240 --> 00:11:38.480 my wall until May twenty fifth, nineteen eighty six. That's 177 00:11:38.480 --> 00:11:40.759 when I saw the film. I took the poster down 178 00:11:40.799 --> 00:11:43.679 to that afternoon. If someone were to ask for a 179 00:11:43.720 --> 00:11:47.519 time capsule selection of the platonic ideal of an eighties 180 00:11:47.600 --> 00:11:51.320 action film, you'd probably put in die Hard or Lethal Weapon, 181 00:11:51.360 --> 00:11:54.519 anything by Joel Silver really, but I suggest that those 182 00:11:54.559 --> 00:11:57.679 movies were the exceptions to the rule. The majority of 183 00:11:57.720 --> 00:12:02.679 eighties action big dumb, self important self serious could be 184 00:12:02.720 --> 00:12:07.360 represented best by Cobra Marian Kobretti. He's the top dog 185 00:12:07.399 --> 00:12:10.240 of the zombie squad, the man you call when there's 186 00:12:10.279 --> 00:12:13.200 no one left to call. He sits around the house 187 00:12:13.240 --> 00:12:17.159 in mirrored shades and leather driving gloves, eating cold pizza 188 00:12:17.200 --> 00:12:19.679 that he's cutting into tiny or slices with a pair 189 00:12:19.720 --> 00:12:23.320 of scissors, and watching Toys r Rus commercials. This happens 190 00:12:23.320 --> 00:12:25.840 in the movie and it is my favorite fucking scene. 191 00:12:25.919 --> 00:12:29.039 So Cobretty. That's a made up surname, sliced alone. Made 192 00:12:29.080 --> 00:12:31.799 up that name so he could have the nickname Cobra. Legitimately, 193 00:12:33.480 --> 00:12:37.519 Cobra is the baddest of badasses. He's monosyllamic. He's not 194 00:12:37.600 --> 00:12:40.240 afraid to kill a suspect and knock out a journalist 195 00:12:40.279 --> 00:12:42.759 for asking him if that was necessary. He has no 196 00:12:42.799 --> 00:12:46.600 time for pencil pushers or due process. He's a man. 197 00:12:47.440 --> 00:12:50.919 This is Dirty Harry for morons. I mean that lovingly. 198 00:12:51.399 --> 00:12:54.200 That film Dirty Harry got criticized at the time for 199 00:12:54.279 --> 00:12:57.759 lionizing the rogue cop, but that movie is more complex 200 00:12:57.840 --> 00:13:00.799 than that. Harry's actions cause him to quit the force 201 00:13:00.840 --> 00:13:03.480 at the end. No one remembers that because there were 202 00:13:03.519 --> 00:13:06.679 sequels to be made, but the moral ambiguity was there 203 00:13:06.759 --> 00:13:10.639 and it is at play. Actions have consequences and result 204 00:13:10.679 --> 00:13:14.360 in a feeling of hopelessness, certainly not joy. Remember Callahan's 205 00:13:14.360 --> 00:13:16.600 speech to the bank robber. I know what you're thinking. 206 00:13:18.080 --> 00:13:21.759 Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, I'll 207 00:13:21.799 --> 00:13:23.519 tell you the truth. In all this excitement, I have 208 00:13:23.720 --> 00:13:26.360 kind of lost track myself. But he in this is 209 00:13:26.399 --> 00:13:29.080 a forty four magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, 210 00:13:29.159 --> 00:13:32.039 and would blow your head clean off. You've got to 211 00:13:32.080 --> 00:13:36.240 ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well? 212 00:13:36.320 --> 00:13:37.000 Do you a bunk? 213 00:13:37.519 --> 00:13:40.759 For all it's seeming badassary, it's a joke between cop 214 00:13:40.840 --> 00:13:43.399 and criminal. He knew how many bullets were in the gun. 215 00:13:43.679 --> 00:13:47.159 Contrast that with Cobra as he confronts a killer, he 216 00:13:47.320 --> 00:13:51.320 just relaxes mego, do you want to talk? We'll talk. 217 00:13:51.919 --> 00:13:53.559 I'm a sucker for a good conversation. 218 00:13:54.320 --> 00:13:56.399 I don't want to talk to you. Are you bringing 219 00:13:56.399 --> 00:13:57.639 the television cameras in here? 220 00:13:57.679 --> 00:13:59.240 Now? I'll bring it in. 221 00:14:00.759 --> 00:14:07.080 Can't do that. Why I don't deal with psychos? I 222 00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:07.799 put them away. 223 00:14:08.200 --> 00:14:11.600 I ain't no psychle Man, good disease. 224 00:14:12.080 --> 00:14:15.000 And the cure Another movie you could put in a 225 00:14:15.039 --> 00:14:18.879 time capsule is Beverly Hills Cop. Great flick, a movie 226 00:14:18.960 --> 00:14:21.720 that would in many ways signal the death knell of 227 00:14:21.759 --> 00:14:24.720 films like Cobra. Beverly Hills Cop proved that you didn't 228 00:14:24.759 --> 00:14:27.519 need a slab of granite as your action protagonist. You 229 00:14:27.559 --> 00:14:30.879 can have a witty, fun character and still provide gritty, 230 00:14:30.960 --> 00:14:34.120 visceral action. Which is amusing because a couple of years 231 00:14:34.120 --> 00:14:37.679 prior to Cobra, Sylvester Stallone was offered Beverly Hills Cop, 232 00:14:38.120 --> 00:14:41.200 and he accepted, did a draft of the screenplay where 233 00:14:41.279 --> 00:14:46.120 Axel Foley became are you ready Axel Cobretty. That's right, 234 00:14:46.240 --> 00:14:50.799 Cobra taking down the stuffed shirts and privileged of Beverly Hills. Now, 235 00:14:50.799 --> 00:14:52.919 I wouldn't say Stillone had a character in his head 236 00:14:52.919 --> 00:14:55.120 in search of a screenplay. But here's the thing. He 237 00:14:55.159 --> 00:14:58.240 didn't go off and write his own movie featuring Cobra. Instead, 238 00:14:58.279 --> 00:15:00.440 he got the rights to a novel called A Running 239 00:15:00.519 --> 00:15:04.000 Duck by Paula Gosling, which he adapted, turning its lead 240 00:15:04.120 --> 00:15:07.559 character Mike Malchek of Vietnam era Sniper and now Cop 241 00:15:07.919 --> 00:15:11.559 into Marion Kobretty. His name is Marion so sly can 242 00:15:11.639 --> 00:15:14.799 let you know that he's comfortable with his feminine side. Incidentally, 243 00:15:14.840 --> 00:15:18.039 that book A Running Duck would be renamed fair Game, 244 00:15:18.320 --> 00:15:20.639 and then that would be made into another film of 245 00:15:20.679 --> 00:15:23.600 the same name, which starred Cindy Crawford and Billy Baldwin. 246 00:15:24.080 --> 00:15:27.799 So the film follows Ingrid Nudesen, a model played by 247 00:15:27.799 --> 00:15:31.120 Brigitte Nielsen in a Harpo marxwig, and she witnesses a 248 00:15:31.200 --> 00:15:34.080 murder and has to be protected by Cobretti and his 249 00:15:34.159 --> 00:15:38.919 partner Gonzalez. Incidentally, Gonzales is played by Rene Santoni, who 250 00:15:38.960 --> 00:15:40.960 we talk about a lot here on the Round Up. 251 00:15:40.960 --> 00:15:43.120 We talked about him during the Clue episode he played 252 00:15:43.159 --> 00:15:46.519 Poppy on Seinfeld. He's here along with Andrew Robinson to 253 00:15:46.600 --> 00:15:49.200 subtly remind us that Dirty Harry was a good movie, 254 00:15:49.279 --> 00:15:51.679 so this must be a good movie too. That's right, 255 00:15:51.960 --> 00:15:54.399 Both of those guys are in Dirty Harry. The villain 256 00:15:54.480 --> 00:15:56.840 is played by Brian Thompson. I think most people would 257 00:15:56.840 --> 00:15:59.440 recognize him as the alien bounty hunter from The X 258 00:15:59.480 --> 00:16:03.000 Files or Shao Khan from Mortal Kombat, though for me, 259 00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:07.559 he is forever and always the spandax Clad Also Harpo 260 00:16:07.679 --> 00:16:12.519 marx wigged helicopter pilot from the climax of the great 261 00:16:12.840 --> 00:16:15.879 film Miracle Mile, a movie we are going to definitely 262 00:16:15.879 --> 00:16:18.759 be covering at some point. Brian Thompson has a group 263 00:16:18.799 --> 00:16:21.000 called the New World where they all get together and 264 00:16:21.080 --> 00:16:25.440 clang axes rhythmically before going out and committing really clumsy murders. 265 00:16:25.600 --> 00:16:27.559 I don't know why they needed the top guy from 266 00:16:27.600 --> 00:16:29.960 the Zombie Squad. It seems if you just put a 267 00:16:29.960 --> 00:16:33.360 plain clothes female officer by herself on literally any street, 268 00:16:33.440 --> 00:16:36.240 these fools are gonna show up. I mean, Bragite Nielsen 269 00:16:36.320 --> 00:16:39.559 is driving toward the murder scene and Brian Thompson takes 270 00:16:39.600 --> 00:16:42.440 off his pante hoose mask, walks to the center of 271 00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:45.919 the street and looks directly in her face. This is 272 00:16:46.000 --> 00:16:49.879 their leader. Oh boy. I know Brigitte and Sly were 273 00:16:49.919 --> 00:16:52.759 married during the filming of this, and I gotta say 274 00:16:52.799 --> 00:16:56.960 I'm shocked they're not still together. Sparks are flying down 275 00:16:57.000 --> 00:16:59.759 at the Sparkler factory that does not appear in this movie. 276 00:17:00.159 --> 00:17:03.360 Guess what. I am recommending this movie overall as much 277 00:17:03.399 --> 00:17:06.279 as Ripley is, Oh stop, we agree more than we don't. 278 00:17:06.480 --> 00:17:09.640 This is the dumbest of dumb, dumb action movies. Sure, 279 00:17:09.640 --> 00:17:11.640 there are plenty of examples of action films that are 280 00:17:11.640 --> 00:17:14.240 poorly made on top of everything else and can function 281 00:17:14.319 --> 00:17:18.400 on the level of kitsch. But for pure unadulterated campiness, 282 00:17:18.440 --> 00:17:19.960 you have to go to a film with a budget 283 00:17:19.960 --> 00:17:24.319 of thirty million dollars. Thirty million and eighty five. Raiders 284 00:17:24.400 --> 00:17:27.599 of the Lost Arc cost twenty two years prior, and 285 00:17:27.640 --> 00:17:29.960 that was set in the thirties. Remember that shot of 286 00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:32.319 the sun coming up and they're digging, and Indy pulls 287 00:17:32.359 --> 00:17:36.200 on his hat and they're all burning hot silhouettes. God, 288 00:17:36.240 --> 00:17:39.240 that was beautiful. Cobra does have one actual piece of 289 00:17:39.279 --> 00:17:41.400 beauty in it. I'm not a car guy, but even 290 00:17:41.400 --> 00:17:45.160 I will admit the sheer, gorgeous gorgeosity of Cobra's ride. 291 00:17:45.279 --> 00:17:49.720 It's a fifty mercury lead sled, apparently mister Stallone's own vehicle. 292 00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:53.079 When they started smashing it to shit, I got really upset. 293 00:17:53.400 --> 00:17:56.039 I know they made stunt cars, but it's just irresponsible 294 00:17:56.079 --> 00:17:59.920 showing something so beautiful beaten so badly. Fuck you, Tyler Dirt, 295 00:18:00.680 --> 00:18:09.000 my turn, unconventional Christmas pick, It's better off dead. Does 296 00:18:09.039 --> 00:18:15.440 it ever feel like everyone's got more going than you do. Oops, 297 00:18:16.720 --> 00:18:19.920 that everyone is smart. Shit, you're al Myers kid. 298 00:18:20.400 --> 00:18:20.920 Yes, I am. 299 00:18:22.640 --> 00:18:26.039 Pretty stupid to me. Thank you, you say, the best 300 00:18:26.079 --> 00:18:29.960 skier in town just ran off with your girlfriend. Even 301 00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:34.359 your younger brother does better than you do. And that 302 00:18:34.559 --> 00:18:36.000 nobody even cares. 303 00:18:36.359 --> 00:18:39.480 That's broke up quickly. Oh that's nice. 304 00:18:39.880 --> 00:18:45.279 Well you might be right, but remember one thing. I 305 00:18:45.319 --> 00:18:48.079 haven't even been to New York City. Nobody was ever 306 00:18:49.119 --> 00:18:51.640 better off dead. The truth is I gonna obski you 307 00:18:51.720 --> 00:18:52.480 any day of the week. 308 00:18:52.599 --> 00:18:54.559 Oh really, Yeah, you want to wrest, I'll take you 309 00:18:54.599 --> 00:18:55.119 on any day. 310 00:18:55.200 --> 00:18:59.200 Sucker, go that way really fast. If something gets in 311 00:18:59.240 --> 00:19:09.680 your way. Fun turn, all you need is juts. All right, now, turn, I'm. 312 00:19:09.519 --> 00:19:12.480 Gonna race, I'm gonna lose, and I'm gonna die in 313 00:19:12.559 --> 00:19:13.200 that order. 314 00:19:13.400 --> 00:19:16.079 Out and you'll never doubt yourself again. 315 00:19:16.599 --> 00:19:20.279 Ski on one skime better off dead. And that's a 316 00:19:20.319 --> 00:19:22.799 real shame when folks be throwing away a perfectly good 317 00:19:22.799 --> 00:19:27.359 white boy like this, an abnormal look at a normal teenager. 318 00:19:27.920 --> 00:19:30.759 Just as Cobra was dirty Henry for dumb dumbs, better 319 00:19:30.799 --> 00:19:33.680 off dead is Harold and Maud for fans of Mad magazine. 320 00:19:34.079 --> 00:19:36.319 This came out the same year I got that Cobra poster. 321 00:19:36.960 --> 00:19:39.359 I am the audience for this. I'm sure you were too, 322 00:19:39.400 --> 00:19:42.200 if you're listening midnight viewers. Just like the next year, 323 00:19:42.240 --> 00:19:44.599 I was the target for pee Wee's Big Adventure. And 324 00:19:44.680 --> 00:19:48.160 there are some parallels, not least of which is eg Daily. 325 00:19:48.319 --> 00:19:50.880 She's Dottye in pee Wee's Big Adventure and appears here 326 00:19:50.960 --> 00:19:53.559 as the singer at the dance, singing the title song. 327 00:19:53.920 --> 00:19:56.279 Is there anyone who doesn't love her? Did you see 328 00:19:56.359 --> 00:19:58.440 Valley Girl? But the tone is even more of what 329 00:19:58.480 --> 00:20:01.720 I'm getting at this film Peewee seemed to signal not 330 00:20:01.759 --> 00:20:05.119 necessarily a wave of like minded filmmakers, but at least 331 00:20:05.119 --> 00:20:08.640 an opening into the studio system for those not necessarily 332 00:20:08.640 --> 00:20:11.119 interested in the types of films being targeted at us. 333 00:20:11.440 --> 00:20:14.039 You know the John Hughes of it all? Kids, don't 334 00:20:14.039 --> 00:20:16.359 they related to John Hughes movies because he was giving 335 00:20:16.400 --> 00:20:20.599 adult voice to teenager's wildly unfocused burst of changing body 336 00:20:20.640 --> 00:20:24.039 and personality. But it was a lie. No one talked 337 00:20:24.119 --> 00:20:27.640 like that. Name one motherfucker whoever said zoom dweeby to you. 338 00:20:28.640 --> 00:20:31.519 I'm not saying anything in Better Off Dead represents reality 339 00:20:31.559 --> 00:20:34.079 in any way but man, it does feel like being 340 00:20:34.079 --> 00:20:39.000 a teenager. The surreality included the stop motion Hamburgers voiced 341 00:20:39.039 --> 00:20:42.440 by David Lee Roth, the Howard Cosell voiced competitor in 342 00:20:42.480 --> 00:20:46.200 a daily drag race, that girl dating the basketball team. 343 00:20:46.440 --> 00:20:48.640 This is a weird one and kind of a marvel 344 00:20:48.640 --> 00:20:51.640 that it got made. So Laine Meyer is dumped by 345 00:20:51.640 --> 00:20:54.720 a girl. The luminous Amanda wiss I once had a 346 00:20:54.720 --> 00:20:57.400 conversation about nothing at all with her in a casting 347 00:20:57.440 --> 00:21:00.839 agent's office back in the mid nineties. In the entire time, 348 00:21:01.200 --> 00:21:04.960 my mind was screaming, it's Tina, that girl that appears 349 00:21:04.960 --> 00:21:07.400 in all your nightmares. Because of that fucking sequence in 350 00:21:07.480 --> 00:21:10.480 Nightmare on Elm Street. It was really hard to keep 351 00:21:10.480 --> 00:21:13.640 it together. Then Lane spends the rest of the movie 352 00:21:13.720 --> 00:21:17.279 attempting to kill himself. I love this movie. This is 353 00:21:17.279 --> 00:21:19.480 going to sound like sacrilege, but this movie does have 354 00:21:19.640 --> 00:21:23.119 one aspect that is stronger than Harold and Maud. Harold 355 00:21:23.279 --> 00:21:27.880 is just pretending Lane wants to do it. Intention matters, 356 00:21:27.960 --> 00:21:31.839 and because of that intent, everything around Lane is necessarily heightened. 357 00:21:32.160 --> 00:21:35.319 Your mom's cooking is bad. Check out the tentacle monstrosity. 358 00:21:35.400 --> 00:21:38.880 Lane's mom is whipping up sincerely on rewatch. I found 359 00:21:38.920 --> 00:21:42.599 myself looking away during her meal presentations and there are 360 00:21:42.720 --> 00:21:45.680 a lot of them, way more than I remembered, and 361 00:21:45.880 --> 00:21:49.279 they are nauseating. That's Kim Darby as the mom. I 362 00:21:49.319 --> 00:21:51.599 think most would know her from this, but you want 363 00:21:51.599 --> 00:21:54.279 to check her out in True Grit, that's the original 364 00:21:54.319 --> 00:21:57.000 with John Wayne. She's young Maddie in it, and she's 365 00:21:57.079 --> 00:22:00.279 fucking amazing. Oh, I guess this is becoming a bit 366 00:22:00.359 --> 00:22:03.759 on the show actors with their voices replaced. We had 367 00:22:03.799 --> 00:22:07.640 Rene Santoni replacing Lee Ving's voice as mister Body and Clue. 368 00:22:07.720 --> 00:22:11.880 And in this movie that persistent newspaper boy, you just 369 00:22:11.920 --> 00:22:13.720 heard it in your head. I didn't even need to 370 00:22:13.720 --> 00:22:16.759 cut in the clip. Well, that kid, Damien Slade, he 371 00:22:16.799 --> 00:22:20.119 doesn't sound like that. The voice berating John Cusack for 372 00:22:20.119 --> 00:22:24.720 two dollars belongs to Yano and Naya. Speaking of Christmas movies, 373 00:22:24.920 --> 00:22:28.839 he plays Grover Dill in a Christmas Story, Scott Farkas's 374 00:22:28.880 --> 00:22:34.279 Evil Toady. All the Christmas entertainments are colliding. There is 375 00:22:34.359 --> 00:22:36.480 so much of this movie that lives in my brain. 376 00:22:36.880 --> 00:22:41.720 Curtis Armstrong's top hadded advice Lane, I've been going to 377 00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:46.920 this high school for seven and a half years. I know, dummy, 378 00:22:47.960 --> 00:22:53.640 I know high school girls. Diane Franklin's advice Kikizas, I 379 00:22:53.720 --> 00:22:57.200 totally believe she was a French actress man e. G. Daly, 380 00:22:57.319 --> 00:23:00.799 Amanda Wiz, Diane Franklin, hell Bugite Neil, and just a 381 00:23:00.839 --> 00:23:04.640 cavalcade of formative attraction. On this week's round up. I'd 382 00:23:04.640 --> 00:23:06.599 be curious to hear what younger folk have to say 383 00:23:06.640 --> 00:23:09.039 about this film. Actually, if you've never seen this film 384 00:23:09.039 --> 00:23:11.759 and watch it, then drop me a line. Email address 385 00:23:11.839 --> 00:23:13.799 is in the description. If you haven't seen it in 386 00:23:13.839 --> 00:23:16.279 a while, give it a watch, and also drop me 387 00:23:16.319 --> 00:23:18.400 a line. I'm curious if you think it held up. 388 00:23:18.759 --> 00:23:21.599 I think it did. It even reaffirmed a theory of mine. 389 00:23:22.160 --> 00:23:25.960 Rich Little never sounded like anyone he was impersonating. He's 390 00:23:26.039 --> 00:23:28.480 doing the Howard Cosell voice here, and he does not 391 00:23:28.680 --> 00:23:36.400 sound like Howard kosal As an Awes spectacle. A word 392 00:23:36.400 --> 00:23:38.640 has it that upon seeing the film while in the 393 00:23:38.680 --> 00:23:42.079 middle of filming another movie with director Savage Steve Holland, 394 00:23:42.200 --> 00:23:44.240 Well here, I'll just read you what Savage Steve had 395 00:23:44.240 --> 00:23:46.480 to say in an interview with The Sneeze back in 396 00:23:46.480 --> 00:23:49.039 two thousand and four. So we're all watching the Better 397 00:23:49.079 --> 00:23:51.759 Off Dead screening that night and John walked out of 398 00:23:51.759 --> 00:23:54.359 the movie about twenty minutes into it. He walked out 399 00:23:54.359 --> 00:23:57.200 and he never came back. The next morning, he basically 400 00:23:57.200 --> 00:23:59.000 walked up to me and was like, you know, you 401 00:23:59.079 --> 00:24:01.200