WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.360 --> 00:00:07.599 The kitchen was cold by eight thirty, humid only because 2 00:00:07.599 --> 00:00:10.199 of the steam still rising from the pot I'd left 3 00:00:10.199 --> 00:00:13.039 on the stove, hoping Brian would walk through the door 4 00:00:13.080 --> 00:00:17.719 any minute. Our tiny Boston apartment probably hadn't cooled below seventy. 5 00:00:18.039 --> 00:00:20.320 But my toes curled on the tile like they did 6 00:00:20.320 --> 00:00:22.920 in February, and my wine was down to the last 7 00:00:23.000 --> 00:00:27.559 swallow already lukewarm. I left his plate covered, flicked off 8 00:00:27.600 --> 00:00:31.399 the lights, and lingered by the window. The street down 9 00:00:31.440 --> 00:00:34.799 below was quiet. The neighbor's dog barked once at a 10 00:00:34.799 --> 00:00:39.359 passing skateboarder, and then fell silent again. My phone buzzed 11 00:00:40.359 --> 00:00:43.960 still at meetings. Sorry, that was all. No I love you, 12 00:00:44.320 --> 00:00:47.920 no smiley face, nothing else, just the same clipped reply 13 00:00:48.119 --> 00:00:52.079 he'd sent twice already this week. I watched our dinner call, 14 00:00:52.560 --> 00:00:55.600 two day old san Gio Vasi in my glass. Fuzeali 15 00:00:55.759 --> 00:00:58.880 tossed with the same spicy sausage he'd texted about craving 16 00:00:58.960 --> 00:01:02.280 last week end, the tiny basle leaves I'd pinched off 17 00:01:02.280 --> 00:01:06.680 the window box. Ritual, not romance. Still it was ours. 18 00:01:07.159 --> 00:01:10.519 I forced myself to open Instagram, trying to make waiting 19 00:01:10.599 --> 00:01:13.920 feel less pointless, a story at the top of my 20 00:01:14.040 --> 00:01:18.040 feed flashed Leela's name, Leelah, who'd arrived back in Boston 21 00:01:18.120 --> 00:01:21.079 after six years away, all big hair and bigger laughter. 22 00:01:21.680 --> 00:01:25.200 Brian's old friend from architecture school, my not so distant 23 00:01:25.200 --> 00:01:28.400 friend by marriage. I tapped it. The video was a 24 00:01:28.439 --> 00:01:31.920 quick panning shot of clinking glasses, a slosh of whiskey, 25 00:01:32.040 --> 00:01:35.760 cheerfully loud voices at the Sable Bar, the old battered 26 00:01:35.799 --> 00:01:40.159 place where Bryan and his colleagues always ended deadline weeks. 27 00:01:40.680 --> 00:01:44.159 But it was the next frame that caught me. Sable's massive, 28 00:01:44.480 --> 00:01:47.760 dirty mirror reflected a blur of faces crowded at the counter. 29 00:01:48.400 --> 00:01:51.760 For just an instant, I thought I recognized a silhouette, 30 00:01:52.120 --> 00:01:54.799 the line of a navy pea coat that looked exactly 31 00:01:54.920 --> 00:01:58.280 like Brian's, the color standing out even in the dim light. 32 00:01:58.760 --> 00:02:02.799 One hand half lifted as if flagging a server. The 33 00:02:02.879 --> 00:02:06.799 time stamp glowed neon in the corner eight thirty eight 34 00:02:06.879 --> 00:02:10.000 p m. I stared, rewinding the story with a gentle 35 00:02:10.080 --> 00:02:13.520 drag of my thumb, searching each fuzzy face and the 36 00:02:13.560 --> 00:02:17.280 bend of each sleeve, the details of a dozen backgrounds 37 00:02:17.280 --> 00:02:20.319 that only existed because some one else wanted to be seen. 38 00:02:21.520 --> 00:02:24.400 Was it Brian's jacket or just a trick of context, 39 00:02:24.800 --> 00:02:28.199 a reflection, a longing, a bit of projected hope. The 40 00:02:28.280 --> 00:02:32.520 thought strung, I slid my phone down the counter, heart thumping, 41 00:02:32.800 --> 00:02:35.840 only to immediately reach for it again, half eager for 42 00:02:35.919 --> 00:02:40.759 another notification. An hour crawled by, I lost myself in 43 00:02:40.840 --> 00:02:44.319 second guessing. I could call Leela, pretend it was spontaneous. 44 00:02:44.520 --> 00:02:47.599 But what would I say? Would she laugh about the coincidence, 45 00:02:47.919 --> 00:02:51.159 or would she pause, embarrassed and stumble into a story 46 00:02:51.199 --> 00:02:54.159 I would know was invented on the spot. I started 47 00:02:54.159 --> 00:02:58.000 to text Bran a second time, typing and deleting, worried 48 00:02:58.039 --> 00:03:02.680 about looking needy. He came home at exactly nine fifty seven, 49 00:03:03.240 --> 00:03:05.520 his keys scraped at the lock with a slowness that 50 00:03:05.639 --> 00:03:07.919 meant he'd stopped for a minute on the landing, as 51 00:03:07.919 --> 00:03:12.439 if steadying himself. When the door swung open, I smelled him, first, 52 00:03:12.879 --> 00:03:16.039 the tang of whisky and some faint herbal cologne, when 53 00:03:16.080 --> 00:03:20.759 he didn't wear, but sometimes carried home from crowded bars. Hey, 54 00:03:21.000 --> 00:03:24.439 he mumbled, almost carefully, not meeting my eye, as he 55 00:03:24.439 --> 00:03:28.319 headed for the stairs, jackets slung over one shoulder, phone 56 00:03:28.360 --> 00:03:31.400 in his hand, but to night. Instead of setting his 57 00:03:31.479 --> 00:03:34.639 phone down next to mine, he padded up stairs with it, 58 00:03:34.919 --> 00:03:38.159 only to return without it, gaze flickering past me like 59 00:03:38.199 --> 00:03:41.719 he'd forgotten where he left his keys. I watched him 60 00:03:41.719 --> 00:03:45.199 pass beneath the kitchen light, his hair must his eyes 61 00:03:45.319 --> 00:03:49.039 vague and tired. He made for the bathroom. The shower 62 00:03:49.120 --> 00:03:53.199 started up moments later, hot water hissing away. Whatever conversation 63 00:03:53.639 --> 00:03:57.000 I'd planned in my head all night, it was always 64 00:03:57.000 --> 00:04:00.000 something about Friday nights, the way we'd built our rhythm 65 00:04:00.159 --> 00:04:04.319 around these small rituals. Late pasta dinners, music blooming from 66 00:04:04.360 --> 00:04:08.840 the bluetooth speaker, dirty dishes stacked until morning. That night, 67 00:04:09.159 --> 00:04:11.719 I stood in the kitchen and watched my own reflection 68 00:04:11.879 --> 00:04:15.120 in the window. Suddenly unsure whether I was being paranoid 69 00:04:15.400 --> 00:04:18.920 or whether something in our routine had truly quietly split. 70 00:04:19.959 --> 00:04:22.360 I left his plate on the table. I brushed my 71 00:04:22.439 --> 00:04:25.720 teeth in silence. I folded alongside him in bed, out 72 00:04:25.720 --> 00:04:28.560 of similar habit, his body, still damp from the shower, 73 00:04:28.839 --> 00:04:31.519 already turned away from me. Before I could ask, was 74 00:04:31.560 --> 00:04:33.519 that you at sable to night with my friend? In 75 00:04:33.560 --> 00:04:36.839 the reflection? Instead, I pressed my hand to the small 76 00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:39.680 of his back, as I'd done for five years, waiting 77 00:04:39.680 --> 00:04:42.120 to feel the little squeeze of his hand over mine. 78 00:04:42.680 --> 00:04:45.079 That night, all I felt was the even weight of 79 00:04:45.120 --> 00:04:50.000 his breath, cool and indifferent until dawn. It's strange how 80 00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:53.560 a relationship, no matter how sturdy it feels, can hinge 81 00:04:53.560 --> 00:04:56.839 on routine so small you hardly noticed their absence until 82 00:04:56.879 --> 00:05:00.120 you're listening for them. When Brian and I met, it 83 00:05:00.160 --> 00:05:02.319 was cold out the end of a party on a 84 00:05:02.319 --> 00:05:05.800 beacon hill rooftop, crowded and buzzing and alive in the 85 00:05:05.839 --> 00:05:09.279 way only late city nights are. I had blisters from 86 00:05:09.319 --> 00:05:12.000 new shoes. He brought a flask of bourbon from his 87 00:05:12.079 --> 00:05:15.360 cousin's wedding earlier that day and offered it with a grin. 88 00:05:16.439 --> 00:05:19.519 We d found ourselves the last two holding court in 89 00:05:19.560 --> 00:05:24.759 the kitchen, ignoring everyone else's half hearted conversations, playing who 90 00:05:24.800 --> 00:05:27.680 would you be if you did something else? And daring 91 00:05:27.759 --> 00:05:31.879 each other to confess regrets. After that night came weeks 92 00:05:31.879 --> 00:05:35.639 of long rambling a m walks me and thrift chop outerwear. 93 00:05:36.000 --> 00:05:39.959 Brian with his endless barreton theories about cities as if 94 00:05:40.000 --> 00:05:43.279 the city was his own to explain. Our first kiss 95 00:05:43.360 --> 00:05:46.560 was on the tea second car, with a stranger's elbow, 96 00:05:46.720 --> 00:05:50.079 accidentally clocking me as he bent down. We moved in 97 00:05:50.120 --> 00:05:54.560 together after barely a year. Friends joked that hurried things 98 00:05:54.639 --> 00:05:58.879 never lasted, but everything about living with Brian felt, if 99 00:05:58.920 --> 00:06:01.279 not easy, at LEAs least familiar in a way that 100 00:06:01.399 --> 00:06:05.160 was comforting, the kind of comfort that doesn't ask for explanation. 101 00:06:06.399 --> 00:06:10.240 Our worlds overlapped neatly enough, both pushing ourselves at work, 102 00:06:10.600 --> 00:06:14.079 both the responsible siblings in messy families, both the ones 103 00:06:14.120 --> 00:06:17.519 to organize trips, drag everyone out at midnight for pizza. 104 00:06:18.199 --> 00:06:20.279 We made a point to block off Wednesday nights for 105 00:06:20.360 --> 00:06:24.839 no work talk date nights, sometimes elaborate, sometimes just cheap 106 00:06:24.879 --> 00:06:28.480 fur in Chinatown, always with the rule that phones stayed 107 00:06:28.519 --> 00:06:32.439 face down and ignored. We'd spent at least one weekend 108 00:06:32.439 --> 00:06:35.279 a month hiking old granite trails west of the city, 109 00:06:35.839 --> 00:06:38.959 or sprawled out on the couch pouring wine while Brian 110 00:06:39.120 --> 00:06:42.199 roasted something too precious to serve any one but me. 111 00:06:43.360 --> 00:06:46.399 The details mattered. We had a half dozen playlists for 112 00:06:46.480 --> 00:06:51.199 car trips. Brian hated mine, I secretly loved his breakfasts, 113 00:06:51.240 --> 00:06:56.040 were mostly hurried, Brian always slicing apples into thin, perfect wedges, 114 00:06:56.240 --> 00:07:00.000 me stirring yogurt and listening to podcasts. Even that felt 115 00:07:00.120 --> 00:07:03.720 like affection. Ways to feed each other on tight schedules. 116 00:07:04.439 --> 00:07:07.439 Every night, after teeth were brushed and lights clicked off, 117 00:07:07.639 --> 00:07:11.639 we'd murmur a secret good night squirrel, a call back 118 00:07:11.680 --> 00:07:15.800 to one drunken evening when Brian claimed with scientific certainty 119 00:07:16.079 --> 00:07:20.160 that I had rodent like persistence. His work had changed 120 00:07:20.160 --> 00:07:23.360 a year ago. He'd stepped up at his firm, landing 121 00:07:23.439 --> 00:07:26.920 contracts that now left him pouring over renderings at all hours, 122 00:07:27.279 --> 00:07:31.040 frequently hunched in the office's guest chair. At home, headphones in, 123 00:07:31.480 --> 00:07:33.959 only pausing for my hand at his shoulder or a 124 00:07:34.079 --> 00:07:36.879 kiss on the way to refill a mug. He was 125 00:07:36.959 --> 00:07:40.360 proud of his roll, and I was proud of him too. 126 00:07:40.639 --> 00:07:44.360 But I'd also watched as days blurred together, late meetings, 127 00:07:44.680 --> 00:07:48.160 deadlines that swallowed week ends dinners on his own side 128 00:07:48.199 --> 00:07:51.680 of the table, mouth full of apologies while his phone buzzed. 129 00:07:52.680 --> 00:07:55.800 He'd surprised me twice in the past year with getaways 130 00:07:55.879 --> 00:07:58.959 just for us, once a snowy cabin three hours north, 131 00:07:59.079 --> 00:08:02.560 complete with a scaf hunt, another time, a last minute 132 00:08:02.560 --> 00:08:05.920 flight to New Orleans for gumbo and jazz. These things 133 00:08:05.959 --> 00:08:09.600 mattered every time. My mother warned me that men always wander, 134 00:08:09.879 --> 00:08:13.199 I reminded her, not Brian. If I was ever nervous, 135 00:08:13.279 --> 00:08:16.079 it was about some client leading him into overwork, not 136 00:08:16.240 --> 00:08:20.000 someone leading him away from us. A core social world 137 00:08:20.079 --> 00:08:23.399 was tight, but varied. Brian's brother Eli acted like my 138 00:08:23.480 --> 00:08:27.160 own sibling. We swapped dumb memes, watched Bruin's games with 139 00:08:27.240 --> 00:08:30.600 him and his ever shifting roster of tinder dates. My 140 00:08:30.720 --> 00:08:34.480 own sister, Stacy, lived a subway ride away and handled 141 00:08:34.519 --> 00:08:37.399 my emotional weather with the dry humor only a family 142 00:08:37.480 --> 00:08:41.679 veteran could provide. Hikes included an assortment of architects, a 143 00:08:41.720 --> 00:08:45.759 couple of marketing expats from my job, and, most recently, Leelah, 144 00:08:46.039 --> 00:08:51.320 the wild Card. Leelah was magnetic and loud, impossible to ignore, 145 00:08:51.720 --> 00:08:54.639 the source of two A M. Saxophone stories and old 146 00:08:54.720 --> 00:08:58.399 nicknames nobody else could decipher. She'd known Brian longer than 147 00:08:58.440 --> 00:09:01.240 I had. Their friendship, four over all nighters in the 148 00:09:01.279 --> 00:09:05.240 designed studio, and shared hung over mornings after gallery crawls. 149 00:09:05.919 --> 00:09:08.919 I got along with her easily most days, but she 150 00:09:09.080 --> 00:09:11.480 and Brian carried a rapport that felt a little like 151 00:09:11.559 --> 00:09:16.879 watching siblings with a complicated secret language. Sometimes I envied 152 00:09:16.919 --> 00:09:19.679 their short hand, but mostly I was glad for it. 153 00:09:20.080 --> 00:09:24.559 Their energy never seemed threatening until maybe I started noticing 154 00:09:24.600 --> 00:09:29.360 that easy comfort shift. The first weekend after that, late Friday, 155 00:09:29.639 --> 00:09:32.639 Brian declined our planned hike with the old crew. He 156 00:09:32.679 --> 00:09:36.519 wandered down late to coffee, trailed by an apology so automatic, 157 00:09:36.600 --> 00:09:39.720 I half wondered if I'd already heard it. Swetch up 158 00:09:39.720 --> 00:09:42.639 at the office to day, he said, setting both hands 159 00:09:42.639 --> 00:09:45.039 on my hips for a split second, then letting them 160 00:09:45.120 --> 00:09:47.840 drop again. I promise I'll make it up to you. 161 00:09:48.240 --> 00:09:52.360 Think I'm a contender for most reliable Hermit. I laughed 162 00:09:52.360 --> 00:09:56.960 too loud. The trails missing your jokes, he snorted, but 163 00:09:57.039 --> 00:10:00.000 the smile never made it to his eyes. My Joe 164 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:04.440 Oakes can't compete with project management trauma jewels. He was 165 00:10:04.480 --> 00:10:08.879 out the door before noon, tie haphazardly knotted, jacket already 166 00:10:08.960 --> 00:10:11.279 zipped as he kissed my cheek on the way out. 167 00:10:12.320 --> 00:10:15.600 I'd gotten used to his project marathons. While he was gone, 168 00:10:15.879 --> 00:10:18.720 I stared at my phone, flipped the hiking playlist on, 169 00:10:19.080 --> 00:10:21.440 and texted the group that Brian wouldn't make it, but 170 00:10:21.519 --> 00:10:24.480 I would. But by the time I'd pulled on my boots, 171 00:10:24.720 --> 00:10:28.360 the idea of hiking without him felt hollow. Instead, I 172 00:10:28.440 --> 00:10:31.919 called Stacy, who suggested we get lost in home good 173 00:10:32.039 --> 00:10:36.360 stores like real adults. That night, when Brian came home, 174 00:10:36.679 --> 00:10:39.399 he barely glanced at the TV as I replayed our 175 00:10:39.519 --> 00:10:43.320 favorite movie. He took his plate upstairs, ate in bed, 176 00:10:43.679 --> 00:10:46.120 and set the Spotify playlist to one of his old 177 00:10:46.159 --> 00:10:49.360 work mixes without asking if I cared for the music. 178 00:10:49.960 --> 00:10:52.919 It wasn't that he was cruel or unkind. He just 179 00:10:53.080 --> 00:10:56.840 wasn't really there. When I made a gentle jab about 180 00:10:56.840 --> 00:11:00.879 how tired he looked, he tensed, then smiled, Thinn, this 181 00:11:01.080 --> 00:11:03.519 is what you wanted, right for me to go big 182 00:11:03.679 --> 00:11:07.120 chase those new contracts. It's not as glamorous as it sounded, 183 00:11:07.720 --> 00:11:10.679 He said it while brushing crumbs off his shirt, eyes 184 00:11:10.720 --> 00:11:14.799 glued to unread blueprints. The next morning, I found his 185 00:11:14.919 --> 00:11:18.360 running shoes on the back step, muddy but untouched. He 186 00:11:18.399 --> 00:11:21.639 hadn't gone for his usual jog. Our shoes had sat 187 00:11:21.720 --> 00:11:26.120 shoulder to shoulder for months, laces intertwined. Now his look 188 00:11:26.240 --> 00:11:29.559 like they belonged to some one else. Midweek I had 189 00:11:29.600 --> 00:11:32.559 brunch with Leela, the kind of last minute catch up 190 00:11:32.559 --> 00:11:36.039 we'd always sworn by, a small attempt at stealing time 191 00:11:36.080 --> 00:11:40.440 from adulthood. She picked the bakery down town. Eyes rimmed 192 00:11:40.480 --> 00:11:43.480 with the same navy coal she'd worn back in college, 193 00:11:43.840 --> 00:11:48.240 hands decorated with a new trio of rings. Heard, Bryan's 194 00:11:48.279 --> 00:11:52.080 been working late, she asked, with that casual teasing grin, 195 00:11:52.399 --> 00:11:55.240 breaking off a piece of my quassar before I could answer. 196 00:11:55.879 --> 00:11:58.360 He always gets like this with a deadline. If you 197 00:11:58.440 --> 00:12:01.159 ever want to run away for a girl only spa day, 198 00:12:01.440 --> 00:12:05.360 just say the word, I hesitated, pushing a chunk of 199 00:12:05.399 --> 00:12:10.080 butter around with my knife. He's been more withdrawn than usual. Honestly, 200 00:12:10.240 --> 00:12:13.320 I miss him, I laughed, trying to make it sound light. 201 00:12:13.919 --> 00:12:17.000 Sometimes I feel like I've been replaced by his laptop. 202 00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:22.159 Leela offered a sympathetic sound, mouthful, then shrugged. You know 203 00:12:22.240 --> 00:12:26.000 how he gets jewels tunnels so deep he forgets the surface. 204 00:12:26.320 --> 00:12:30.080 I've even seen him around at events lately, always looking frantic. 205 00:12:30.720 --> 00:12:33.559 She paused a beat too long. I think he must 206 00:12:33.639 --> 00:12:37.639 be chasing some big fish, I studied her. You've been 207 00:12:37.679 --> 00:12:40.519 out that much since you got back, damn and the 208 00:12:40.519 --> 00:12:44.000 one who never leaves the house. She crinkled her nose. 209 00:12:44.600 --> 00:12:48.120 I mostly tag along for the free drinks. Everyone's networking 210 00:12:48.200 --> 00:12:52.799 these days Boston can make any one neurotic. That evening, 211 00:12:52.879 --> 00:12:56.240 when Brian finally came home, he was silent. I watched 212 00:12:56.320 --> 00:12:59.120 him eat cheese and crackers in the living room, scrolling 213 00:12:59.200 --> 00:13:02.360 news on his foe, responding to texts with an intensity 214 00:13:02.399 --> 00:13:05.879 I'd never envied. The silence was denser than usual. I 215 00:13:05.960 --> 00:13:07.639 want to joke with him the way I used to, 216 00:13:08.120 --> 00:13:12.000 especially about Leela's insight, but he seemed allergic to small talk. 217 00:13:12.639 --> 00:13:15.840 I tried. Leelah says, she's seen you at every afterwork 218 00:13:15.919 --> 00:13:18.399 thing since she moved back. Should I be worried you're 219 00:13:18.399 --> 00:13:22.399 the new it boy? He just grunted, making no eye contact, 220 00:13:22.679 --> 00:13:26.360 attention locked on his glowing screen. I bit back a retort, 221 00:13:26.840 --> 00:13:30.279 Am I being petty? Or with something? Anything? Really off? 222 00:13:31.360 --> 00:13:34.919 Days passed quickly, but awkwardly. Brian skipped most of our 223 00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:38.679 usual routines. Our Saturday hike became his office catch up, 224 00:13:39.039 --> 00:13:42.960 and Sunday morning shared breakfast turned into him reheating pancakes alone, 225 00:13:43.279 --> 00:13:46.879 offering one word answers from behind his mug. He started 226 00:13:47.039 --> 00:13:52.480 forgetting are inside jokes, defaulting to generic, tired commentary, or worse, 227 00:13:52.879 --> 00:13:56.240 not responding at all. When I prodded him about weekend plans, 228 00:13:57.320 --> 00:13:59.320 I noticed he didn't want to listen to any music 229 00:13:59.440 --> 00:14:03.679 during dry waves, not ours, not his. The playlists we'd shared, 230 00:14:03.960 --> 00:14:07.919 silly and sentimental alike, now fell silent. He never reached 231 00:14:07.960 --> 00:14:10.639 for my hand at stoplights, no matter how many times 232 00:14:10.720 --> 00:14:13.320 I left my palm open on the gearshift. It was 233 00:14:13.399 --> 00:14:16.240 so unlike him. He'd always seen physical touch as a 234 00:14:16.279 --> 00:14:20.200 sort of reassurance, two bodies occupying the world together, even 235 00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:24.600 if only in tiny, mundane ways. The first real shock 236 00:14:24.759 --> 00:14:28.360 landed late on a Wednesday. Brian came home after eleven, 237 00:14:28.639 --> 00:14:31.840 claiming again that the project was in Code red mode. 238 00:14:32.519 --> 00:14:34.960 But as he peeled out of his pea coat, a sour, 239 00:14:35.039 --> 00:14:38.799 sweet scent hung in the air, something smoother than his aftershave, 240 00:14:39.080 --> 00:14:43.559 unmistakably expensive, the kind of perfume his clients sometimes wore, 241 00:14:44.000 --> 00:14:48.720 but none I remembered from our friends. I trailed behind him, joking, 242 00:14:49.159 --> 00:14:51.440 you planning to loam me your jacket? Or did you 243 00:14:51.519 --> 00:14:54.440 pick up a side gig as a fragrance model. He 244 00:14:54.559 --> 00:14:58.360 barely managed a distracted smile. Just too many hugs at 245 00:14:58.360 --> 00:15:02.200 those damned dinners, he replied, setting the jacket near the stairs. 246 00:15:02.559 --> 00:15:06.320 His body angled away as he loosened his tie. I 247 00:15:06.399 --> 00:15:08.960 picked up the jacket the next morning, finding the scent 248 00:15:09.080 --> 00:15:12.559 even stronger after it warmed slightly against my hands, the 249 00:15:12.639 --> 00:15:15.120 soft hint of white jasmine, the one you only get 250 00:15:15.159 --> 00:15:19.440 from those tiny bejeweled bottles behind designer counters. I racked 251 00:15:19.519 --> 00:15:22.759 my brain. Who at the firm wore this? Was it? Rachel, 252 00:15:23.000 --> 00:15:26.240 the consultant from Toronto, had I met her? Was this 253 00:15:26.519 --> 00:15:30.639 normal in Brian's world? Client hospitality, like he said? Or 254 00:15:30.720 --> 00:15:35.320 something maybe too friendly? After drinks that Thursday, I decided 255 00:15:35.360 --> 00:15:38.200 to surprise Brian with lunch. I picked up a pair 256 00:15:38.240 --> 00:15:41.879 of sandwiches and showed up unannounced at his office, something 257 00:15:41.919 --> 00:15:45.080 I'd done a dozen times over the years, always welcomed 258 00:15:45.159 --> 00:15:48.320 like a small rescue from his mountain of paperwork. But 259 00:15:48.440 --> 00:15:51.799 the glass door was locked. The mane lights off. A 260 00:15:51.879 --> 00:15:55.799 custodian with headphones in and a pale blue uniform, smiled 261 00:15:56.200 --> 00:15:59.799 then nodded. When I asked about Brian left with a 262 00:16:00.120 --> 00:16:03.600 dy an hour ago. She said, matter of fact, brown hair. 263 00:16:04.000 --> 00:16:07.360 Not sure where they went, I just sweep. It could 264 00:16:07.399 --> 00:16:10.039 have been a colleague. Sure, it could have been Rachel 265 00:16:10.279 --> 00:16:13.000 or an associate, or a client dragging him to yet 266 00:16:13.039 --> 00:16:17.200 another coffee. But as I stood there, holding sandwiches rapidly 267 00:16:17.320 --> 00:16:20.159 going cold, I realized I didn't want my face to 268 00:16:20.240 --> 00:16:23.960 betray anything. I thanked the janitor and walked the long 269 00:16:24.039 --> 00:16:27.080 way back to my car, my head racing with questions. 270 00:16:28.200 --> 00:16:32.519 That evening, Leela texted one of her unpredictable invitations, odd 271 00:16:32.639 --> 00:16:36.639 timing as always, girls night out. I know you're probably 272 00:16:36.759 --> 00:16:40.279 buried in marketing mumbo jumbo, but I need a palette cleanser. 273 00:16:40.919 --> 00:16:44.279 I replied, sure, half dreading and half relieved for a 274 00:16:44.440 --> 00:16:47.360 change in company. But when we met at the bar, 275 00:16:47.799 --> 00:16:51.200 she acted cagy at Bryan's mention, fiddling with her rings, 276 00:16:51.600 --> 00:16:54.919 eyes darting to the television. As I probed, you've been 277 00:16:54.960 --> 00:16:58.000 hanging out with the architects a lot, any one I know? 278 00:16:59.240 --> 00:17:02.840 She giggled, but it sounded forced. Oh, you know, architects, 279 00:17:03.080 --> 00:17:05.920 they stick together. One day, it'll suck you in too. 280 00:17:06.720 --> 00:17:09.119 The words came out just a bit too fast, the 281 00:17:09.200 --> 00:17:13.400 smile not quite reaching her eyes. I pressed further as 282 00:17:13.440 --> 00:17:16.519 if hungry for information, I wasn't sure how to digest 283 00:17:17.119 --> 00:17:20.559 what about Brian? He mentioned maybe looping friends in for 284 00:17:20.680 --> 00:17:24.839 trivia soon, She pursed, her lips, glancing at her glass. 285 00:17:25.480 --> 00:17:28.400 He's always talking big game, but that guy can never 286 00:17:28.519 --> 00:17:31.880 remember movie titles. If he wants to organize a hangout, 287 00:17:32.119 --> 00:17:35.640 he'd better start with us. Her tone tried for levity, 288 00:17:36.000 --> 00:17:38.759 but her fingers fidgeted with her straw, like she was 289 00:17:38.799 --> 00:17:42.319 waiting for me to drop the subject. A few nights later, 290 00:17:42.680 --> 00:17:47.000 something small but significant shifted. I came downstairs after brushing 291 00:17:47.079 --> 00:17:49.440 my teeth to find the glow of Brian's phone in 292 00:17:49.480 --> 00:17:52.880 the hallway. He sat on the bottom step, screen turned 293 00:17:52.960 --> 00:17:56.640 sharply away. I made a joke about midnight texts from 294 00:17:56.680 --> 00:18:01.359 his favorite wife, expecting a smile. Instead, he startled, thumb 295 00:18:01.480 --> 00:18:05.160 tapping too quickly at the power button. This is Eli 296 00:18:05.359 --> 00:18:09.680 geys stuff, nothing exciting. His words were quick clipped, I'll 297 00:18:09.720 --> 00:18:13.240 be up in a minute. I stood there, heart pounding 298 00:18:13.279 --> 00:18:16.119 at a pace that felt ridiculous for what amounted to 299 00:18:16.240 --> 00:18:19.440 a late night phone use. I hated feeling like a 300 00:18:19.519 --> 00:18:23.599 detective in my own marriage. The following Saturday was our 301 00:18:23.680 --> 00:18:27.000 friends dinner the one with the hiking crowd, every one 302 00:18:27.079 --> 00:18:29.880 clinging to the idea that adulthood didn't mean losing touch. 303 00:18:30.519 --> 00:18:33.400 I texted Brian he was running late, and he replied 304 00:18:33.519 --> 00:18:37.559 curtly sorry, dinner with client, please cover for me. I 305 00:18:37.680 --> 00:18:40.599 arrived to find Lila already at the table, dress, rumpled, 306 00:18:40.720 --> 00:18:44.000 hair a little wild. When she spotted me. She glanced away, 307 00:18:44.319 --> 00:18:47.880 her voice unexpectedly soft as she greeted me, then busied 308 00:18:47.920 --> 00:18:51.680 herself opening a new bottle of wine. Throughout the meal, 309 00:18:51.880 --> 00:18:55.960 Leela avoided I contact our friends, fell on platitudes, works, 310 00:18:56.000 --> 00:18:59.680 insane har Julia, hope Brian gives you a raise for patience. 311 00:19:00.200 --> 00:19:03.559 But I noticed every flinch every time Leela's foot tapped 312 00:19:03.559 --> 00:19:06.920 anxiously beneath the table when some one mentioned architecture, or 313 00:19:07.000 --> 00:19:10.599 Brian or client dinners. I tried to relax, but I 314 00:19:10.680 --> 00:19:14.279 grew more vigilant, tuning in for the subtext in every exchange. 315 00:19:15.319 --> 00:19:19.319 When Brian finally arrived an hour late, he was apologetic, 316 00:19:19.440 --> 00:19:23.000 but awkward, laughter a tad too loud, eyes darting to 317 00:19:23.119 --> 00:19:25.759 Lila with what could have been gilt or simply nerves. 318 00:19:26.359 --> 00:19:29.279 When he leaned in to refill my glass, I noticed 319 00:19:29.279 --> 00:19:33.319 another scent, more muted, but the same foreign sweetness as before. 320 00:19:34.519 --> 00:19:38.759 These were subtle things, but they were cumulative. I started small, 321 00:19:39.079 --> 00:19:42.559 combing through receipts left out on the credenza tabs from 322 00:19:42.680 --> 00:19:45.559 Sable dated on nights. He insisted he'd been at the 323 00:19:45.640 --> 00:19:51.559 office late, nothing dramatic, but enough to stoke a simmering unease. Then, 324 00:19:51.799 --> 00:19:55.599 chatting with Eli one night, a rare Bruin's victory, beer's 325 00:19:55.640 --> 00:19:59.119 in hand, he casually referenced seeing Brian in back Bay 326 00:19:59.200 --> 00:20:02.000 earlier that week. Thought he was heading to the Sable, 327 00:20:02.319 --> 00:20:04.559 but I guess he got dragged in by some crazy 328 00:20:04.720 --> 00:20:08.039 architect crowd. But Brian had told me he'd been at 329 00:20:08.039 --> 00:20:13.720 the Sight meeting inspectors until midnight. Every inconsistency added weight 330 00:20:13.759 --> 00:20:16.319 to my doubt. Sometimes it felt like I was fighting 331 00:20:16.400 --> 00:20:20.279 off a slow, invisible tide of uncertainty. Other times it 332 00:20:20.400 --> 00:20:23.599 was a tidal wave of suspicion. I hated myself for indulging. 333 00:20:24.240 --> 00:20:26.759 Was I becoming the over suspicious spouse like my mother, 334 00:20:27.160 --> 00:20:30.640 always chasing ghosts of infidelity? Or did I know Brian 335 00:20:30.720 --> 00:20:34.039 and Leela and myself well enough to trust what I'd 336 00:20:34.079 --> 00:20:37.480 always known? Or was that blind faith just a story 337 00:20:37.519 --> 00:20:41.640 I told myself to avoid repeating history. It wasn't just 338 00:20:41.680 --> 00:20:45.799 about Brian. I started doubting Leela too, her eagerness to 339 00:20:45.920 --> 00:20:49.279 check in, to offer up small, awkward explanations for things 340 00:20:49.319 --> 00:20:52.240 I hadn't even asked about, her way of talking in circles. 341 00:20:52.319 --> 00:20:56.720 Whenever our weekend plans overlapped with Brian's, were they conspiring 342 00:20:56.799 --> 00:20:59.759 to include me or to avoid me? If it wasn't 343 00:20:59.759 --> 00:21:02.480 a fair, was it a joke at my expense? Some 344 00:21:02.640 --> 00:21:05.759 pathetic in group secrecy left over from a decade ago. 345 00:21:06.960 --> 00:21:09.920 One night, well past midnight, I found myself sitting on 346 00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:12.480 our porch in the dark, clutching a mug of cold 347 00:21:12.559 --> 00:21:15.240 cameramel tea and making a list, as if clues could 348 00:21:15.279 --> 00:21:20.119 settle the uncertainty late nights. The jacket, the unfamiliar perfume, 349 00:21:20.279 --> 00:21:24.279 the locked office, Leela's dodges, the late text exchanges turned 350 00:21:24.319 --> 00:21:28.640 away from me, the receipts, Eli's conflicting story. Each item 351 00:21:28.759 --> 00:21:31.920 wasn't enough to accuse someone. A thousand grains of salt 352 00:21:32.079 --> 00:21:36.480 not a landslide, But together they formed something heavy. I 353 00:21:36.599 --> 00:21:40.480 tried confronting Brian gently later that week. He seemed truly 354 00:21:40.599 --> 00:21:44.640 exhausted his face gaunt and closed off. Is everything okay, 355 00:21:45.200 --> 00:21:48.680 work or us? I asked, swallowing the lump in my 356 00:21:48.839 --> 00:21:52.039 throat that had become my constant company. You've been so 357 00:21:52.319 --> 00:21:56.440 far away lately. He set down his pen, staring at 358 00:21:56.440 --> 00:21:59.200 the blue line of his computer screen for a long moment. 359 00:21:59.759 --> 00:22:02.759 I'm under a microscope at work. This is just a 360 00:22:02.880 --> 00:22:07.160 rough patch, not you. I'm sorry. Is it all work? 361 00:22:07.440 --> 00:22:10.000 I asked. I tried to keep my tones soft, but 362 00:22:10.119 --> 00:22:13.119 my voice cracked in spite of myself. You know you 363 00:22:13.200 --> 00:22:16.960 can talk to me right, You always did before. He 364 00:22:17.039 --> 00:22:19.319 rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, sighing. 365 00:22:19.839 --> 00:22:22.160 It's just pressure, Julia. I don't want to bring you 366 00:22:22.240 --> 00:22:25.240 into it. If I drop this contract, my team gets cut. 367 00:22:25.599 --> 00:22:29.319 That's all. I'm just tired, He tried a smile, lips 368 00:22:29.359 --> 00:22:34.119 barely curving promise. I forced myself to believe him. For 369 00:22:34.240 --> 00:22:36.799 the next few days, I did everything I could to help. 370 00:22:37.279 --> 00:22:40.279 I packed extra food, sent him good luck texts, and 371 00:22:40.400 --> 00:22:43.519 even bake that two dense banana bread he pretended was 372 00:22:43.559 --> 00:22:47.279 his favorite. He responded in kind, showed up early for 373 00:22:47.359 --> 00:22:49.839 dinner twice that week. Let me drag him out for 374 00:22:49.920 --> 00:22:53.119 a short walk after work, even danced with me around 375 00:22:53.160 --> 00:22:55.720 the kitchen to a song from our wedding. It was 376 00:22:55.799 --> 00:23:00.680 almost normal. But on Thursday, Stacy called, you sound like 377 00:23:00.759 --> 00:23:03.880 your chasing your tail jewels. Why don't you come crash 378 00:23:03.960 --> 00:23:07.319 with me Saturday. Give him some breathing room, give yourself 379 00:23:07.400 --> 00:23:11.680 some too. I almost said yes, but then I hesitated. 380 00:23:12.160 --> 00:23:14.359 What if he needed me home? What if all this 381 00:23:14.559 --> 00:23:17.480 drama really was in my head, a legacy from my 382 00:23:17.680 --> 00:23:21.079 parents that I was unfairly projecting on to him. I 383 00:23:21.200 --> 00:23:25.279 chose to stay, pushing my doubts down yet again. The 384 00:23:25.400 --> 00:23:29.079 shift happened so slowly I almost missed it. Brian somehow 385 00:23:29.160 --> 00:23:32.480 seemed both more present and more remote, a little extra 386 00:23:32.559 --> 00:23:35.680 effort to do chores, cleaner coffee mugs in the morning, 387 00:23:35.920 --> 00:23:38.720 deliberate good night kisses, but at the same time, his 388 00:23:38.880 --> 00:23:42.839 eyes always seemed somewhere else. During conversation, his gaze would 389 00:23:42.880 --> 00:23:45.640 drop to my shoulder rather than my face when I 390 00:23:45.759 --> 00:23:49.720 asked about his day, No new jokes, no warm laughter. 391 00:23:50.880 --> 00:23:53.480 Three nights ago, I reached for his work phone, meaning 392 00:23:53.559 --> 00:23:55.920 only to plug it in. As the battery blinked red, 393 00:23:56.480 --> 00:23:58.920 the lock screen flared up with a pass code prompt 394 00:23:59.359 --> 00:24:02.759 new I had always known his number, A silly childhood injoke. 395 00:24:03.039 --> 00:24:05.440 I tried it out. It failed. When he saw me, 396 00:24:05.559 --> 00:24:10.640 his body tensed, sensitive clients, sorry, companies getting strict about leaks. 397 00:24:11.279 --> 00:24:16.559 The words came out fast, almost convincing. Almost Later that night, 398 00:24:16.839 --> 00:24:21.279 he stayed up late to Textilly again. The screen angled away, 399 00:24:21.640 --> 00:24:24.759 thumbs flying a low chuckle that didn't quite match the 400 00:24:24.839 --> 00:24:28.200 banter I heard when they were together. By then, I 401 00:24:28.319 --> 00:24:30.559