Speaker 1: Welcome to the Becoming You Show, where limits get torched
Speaker 1: and possibility takes the mic. I'm Leah, rowing human in
Speaker 1: permanent Beta, neurostrategist, mom to three amazing humans, married to
Speaker 1: one legendary soul, and your no Fluff Permission slate to
Speaker 1: stop waiting. Every week, we rewire brain patterns, smash hand
Speaker 1: me down mindsets, and dive into the daring identity shifting
Speaker 1: conversations most people gosh, ready to turn potential into proof.
Speaker 1: Grab your pen. Your next chapter starts now. Hello, my
Speaker 1: beautiful friends, how are you today? It's good to be here.
Speaker 1: I'm excited about this conversation, so welcome. We've been on
Speaker 1: a journey right this month talking about courage, and we've
Speaker 1: got two more episodes to go, and I want to
Speaker 1: kind of walk you through it, not that you'd have
Speaker 1: to listen to those to make sense of this, but
Speaker 1: just to kind of give you a recap. So the
Speaker 1: first episode in the series was around worth acquisition. Right,
Speaker 1: we named the thing right. There's a payoff, there's a
Speaker 1: payoff to staying unworthy, right, and most of us are
Speaker 1: paying for proof that we never needed. And the invitation
Speaker 1: the work then isn't in becoming worthy, right, it's in
Speaker 1: the stopping of practicing our unworthiness. Right. And then in two,
Speaker 1: episode two of the series, we talked about the tell right.
Speaker 1: We honored the fact that your body right has been
Speaker 1: trying to tell you who you are for a really
Speaker 1: long time. It's been it's been trying to get your
Speaker 1: attention for a really long time. And the work it's
Speaker 1: not to master the signals, right, but to simply to
Speaker 1: simply patiently trust them. Right. If you've never read the
Speaker 1: book The Body Keeps the Score talks a lot about it. Obviously,
Speaker 1: it talks in way more detail, length and depth than
Speaker 1: that episode. And then last week we talked about the
Speaker 1: unwitnessed self. Right. We went we went into the quietest
Speaker 1: room in the house, right, the room that most of
Speaker 1: us have been avoiding going into, and we named the
Speaker 1: self that was waiting there for you to come home. Right.
Speaker 1: And today we're going to talk about the only question
Speaker 1: that matters now, which is what do we actually do
Speaker 1: with all of this? And what do we do with
Speaker 1: all of this? Okay, because here's what I've learned after
Speaker 1: what twenty plus years of walking with people through moments
Speaker 1: like the ones that we've been having this this month.
Speaker 1: The awakening, right, that level of awareness, that's the easy part, right,
Speaker 1: And I know that sounds outrageous, because the awakening feels huge,
Speaker 1: huge when you're in it, right, it feels like the
Speaker 1: most important thing that has ever happened. And in a
Speaker 1: way it is. But the awakening, right, that moment of
Speaker 1: like crystal clear clarity, right of insight, of remembering, it's
Speaker 1: not the work. That's not the work, that's the door, right.
Speaker 1: The work is what happens after you walk through. Okay.
Speaker 1: The work is the Tuesday, the Wednesday, the Thursday. The
Speaker 1: work is the meeting where you are attempted to go
Speaker 1: back to the old version of yourself because well, just frankly,
Speaker 1: it feels easier, although it's really not. It's just way
Speaker 1: more familiar and accessible. Hey, the work in the relationship
Speaker 1: where maybe saying the true thing would change everything, and
Speaker 1: the small part of you that whispers not today, not today. Okay.
Speaker 1: It's also the work right in the mirror where you
Speaker 1: are about to critique and catalog yourself again out of
Speaker 1: decades of having it and the practice right of one breath,
Speaker 1: one pause, one moment of not collapsing into the old performance, right,
Speaker 1: that's the work. The work is a practice, the practice
Speaker 1: right of pausing, of taking a beat, of interrupting the familiar,
Speaker 1: the familiar way that you meet moments and not collapsing
Speaker 1: into old patterns, old performance you from yesterday. Right. And
Speaker 1: here's the thing, you, guys. The work is not glamorous.
Speaker 1: It's not There's almost nothing to post about. You cannot
Speaker 1: really take a picture of it, you cannot really tell
Speaker 1: anyone about it without its sounding smaller than it was,
Speaker 1: smaller than it is. And that is exactly why it matters,
Speaker 1: because that is where the life that you actually want
Speaker 1: is built, not in the breakthrough, right, not in the aha,
Speaker 1: not in the yes right that you get after you
Speaker 1: leave a conference, but in the hundred small, uncollapsed choices
Speaker 1: that you make in the weeks that follow. Right. It's
Speaker 1: not in the big awakening that the life that you
Speaker 1: want is built. It's in the small, uncollapsed choices that
Speaker 1: you make in the weeks that follow. So the awakening
Speaker 1: is the door, for sure, But what you do on
Speaker 1: Tuesday is the room is the work is your life.
Speaker 1: So I want to try to describe as honestly as
Speaker 1: I can what it looks like to live uncollapsed right
Speaker 1: where we don't collapse back into fear, where we don't
Speaker 1: collapse back into doubt, where we don't collapse back into temper,
Speaker 1: where we don't collapse back into people pleasing, where we
Speaker 1: don't collapse back into perfectionism. Okay, because I think this
Speaker 1: idea of living uncollapsed, I think is what I called
Speaker 1: this episode. It's it can sound poetic, and the reality
Speaker 1: of it is much smaller and much stranger than that
Speaker 1: phrase probably suggests. Living uncollapsed, okay, does not mean that
Speaker 1: you have some dramatic, fully realized version of yourself striding
Speaker 1: through the world. It does not mean that you've stopped performing.
Speaker 1: It does not mean that you became this perfect, integrated, aligned,
Speaker 1: whole human who never second guesses, who never people pleases,
Speaker 1: who never shrinks. Okay, you will still do I want
Speaker 1: you to hear me. You will still do all of
Speaker 1: those things. You just will because you're human. You will
Speaker 1: still catch yourself scanning the room for approval. You will
Speaker 1: still say yes when you mean no. You will still
Speaker 1: some warnings feel smaller than you know yourself to be.
Speaker 1: You will still talk to yourself in ways that you
Speaker 1: would never talk to anyone else, you still will do that.
Speaker 1: Living uncollapsed is not the absence of the old pattern.
Speaker 1: It is a new relationship to them. So here's what
Speaker 1: it actually looks like. Okay, Living uncollapsed is the half
Speaker 1: second pause before you answer right. It's the half second
Speaker 1: in which you notice that the old version of you
Speaker 1: is about to speak, and you let that half second
Speaker 1: be enough to choose differently, right, to choose more consciously,
Speaker 1: to choose more compassionately, to choose more courageously. Sometimes you
Speaker 1: will choose differently, sometimes you don't. But the pause is new.
Speaker 1: The pause is the work. Living uncollapsed is the moment
Speaker 1: you are in a conversation and you feel yourself starting
Speaker 1: to perform right, starting starting to package, starting to curate,
Speaker 1: starting to starting to think about what you're going to
Speaker 1: say next so that you can sound smart or intriguing
Speaker 1: or interesting. And then you pause, and you quietly, privately
Speaker 1: take yourself off the stage. Right. This is nothing we announce, right,
Speaker 1: We don't make it a big thing. We just stop
Speaker 1: inside ourselves and return to the person that we actually
Speaker 1: are with full presence and engagement in that conversation. The
Speaker 1: shift is an invisible right. The shift is invisible to
Speaker 1: everyone in that room, but the shift is everything to you.
Speaker 1: Living uncollapsed is the email that you do not send
Speaker 1: because you realize in the second before you hit send
Speaker 1: that it was written by a version of you who
Speaker 1: was trying to be chosen, trying to be validated, trying
Speaker 1: to be right right, and instead d you write a
Speaker 1: shorter one, a truer one, one that you would not
Speaker 1: have been able to write a year ago. Living uncollapsed
Speaker 1: is the boundary that doesn't require a speech, right, the
Speaker 1: no that does not require seven paragraphs of justification. It's
Speaker 1: just no complete sentence period. It's not loud, you guys,
Speaker 1: it's not dramatic. It is mostly invisible to the world.
Speaker 1: To the world, it's living this way, living, living uncollapsed,
Speaker 1: living living in conscious choice is not a personality trait.
Speaker 1: It's not a it's not a characteristic it's it's a
Speaker 1: series of small and private returns to yourself, over and
Speaker 1: over and over and over across the rest of your life,
Speaker 1: many many interruptions, many practices. So I want, I want
Speaker 1: to be honest with you about this, right because nobody,
Speaker 1: nobody talked to me about this when I started, and
Speaker 1: I really wish someone had, right, because here's the thing.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing. There are costs to living uncollapsed. There
Speaker 1: are costs to living with a level of intentionality around
Speaker 1: conscious choice, choosing on purpose, acting from choice, not reaction. Right,
Speaker 1: real ones, real costs, And if you walk out of
Speaker 1: this series without knowing what they are, you are going
Speaker 1: to be blindsided by them, and you are going to
Speaker 1: wonder if you are doing it wrong, and you are not.
Speaker 1: Hear me say this, you are not doing it wrong. Right.
Speaker 1: These costs, right, come with the territory. They come with
Speaker 1: the the the dismissal of not practicing unworthiness. Right, They
Speaker 1: just come with the cost of not abandoning yourself. They
Speaker 1: come with the cost of you being the most us
Speaker 1: you ever, there's a cost to that, no wonder, That's
Speaker 1: what we talked about, you know that in the first episode.
Speaker 1: It's no wonder that we just want to stay unworthy
Speaker 1: because as long as we're unworthy, we don't have these costs.
Speaker 1: Because remember there was a payoff. There's a payoff to
Speaker 1: staying unworthy. So cost number one, some of your relationships
Speaker 1: are going to change, period. They just are. Not all
Speaker 1: of them, not most of them, but some because some
Speaker 1: of your relationships were built on a version of you right,
Speaker 1: that was performing, that was pleasing, was that made their
Speaker 1: life more comfortable. You traded your comfort for theirs. You
Speaker 1: traded your peace for theirs. Okay, And when you stop
Speaker 1: doing that, that contract changes, and not everyone signed up
Speaker 1: for the new contract. Right. Some people will grow with you,
Speaker 1: for sure. Those relationships will deepen in ways that you
Speaker 1: did not think were possible. You will find yourself in
Speaker 1: friendships that feel like coming home. You will be fine
Speaker 1: with the people that just walk on by because you
Speaker 1: no longer have to abandon yourself to keep them here.
Speaker 1: You no longer have to continue to lie and pretend
Speaker 1: and placate in order to have them like you. Let
Speaker 1: them walk, Let them walk right. Some people will quietly exit,
Speaker 1: some not so quietly. Some will become just more just some,
Speaker 1: some will become more reactive. Some will tell you directly
Speaker 1: or indirectly that they that they like the old the
Speaker 1: old you better, and you don't have to be upset
Speaker 1: about that. Of course they did. That old version of
Speaker 1: you allowed for their peace, allowed for their comfort, allowed
Speaker 1: them to be whoever they wanted to be without any
Speaker 1: sort of consequence. Don't be blindsided by that. It's just information.
Speaker 1: It's not a problem to fix. It's not something that
Speaker 1: you even apologize for. It's just something that happens when
Speaker 1: you stop collapsing into who someone needed you to be. Okay,
Speaker 1: we got to know that. That's a true and real cost.
Speaker 1: And I'm telling you, your biggest life deserves it. It's
Speaker 1: worth it. It's worth it. Okay, cost too. Okay. You
Speaker 1: are going to feel a kind of loneliness that you've
Speaker 1: not felt before. And this and this is important because
Speaker 1: it's going to feel like you're doing something wrong and
Speaker 1: you're not. Okay, the loneliness is not the absence of people.
Speaker 1: It is the presence of a self who has finally
Speaker 1: shown up and a world that has not adjusted to
Speaker 1: meet this new self where they actually live. There is
Speaker 1: a gap, but the gap is temporary. The gap is real,
Speaker 1: and in that gap, right you may feel more alone
Speaker 1: than you have felt in years, even while you're becoming
Speaker 1: more of yourself then you have been in years. Sit
Speaker 1: in it. Do not try to fill it with old patterns. Okay,
Speaker 1: that gap, that gap is where your new life forms,
Speaker 1: where your new life forms. Don't miss it. Don't try
Speaker 1: to fill it. Don't distract yourself buffer in it. Just
Speaker 1: allow it. Allow the loneliness to be there, to meet
Speaker 1: yourself in it. At least for me, in that gap
Speaker 1: was when I became my best friend in the loneliness.
Speaker 1: Right in that loneliness, I had me to turn too.
Speaker 1: I hadn't had me to turn to. I was available
Speaker 1: for everyone else, just not me. That relationship with myself
Speaker 1: is the most important thing for me. It's the most
Speaker 1: important thing. I would have missed it. I would have
Speaker 1: missed it if I had tried to fill the gap.
Speaker 1: I didn't know this, that I was blindsided by the gap.
Speaker 1: I don't want you to be blindsided when you come
Speaker 1: home to yourself. Okay, Cost number three. You will miss
Speaker 1: the old you, right will. You will miss the performance,
Speaker 1: You will miss the pleasing. Okay. And this one surprises people.
Speaker 1: But I've seen it again and again and again, and
Speaker 1: I have lived it myself. Okay. The performing self was
Speaker 1: not only a cost. It was also a relief. It
Speaker 1: gave you a scre it gave you a rule. It
Speaker 1: told you exactly what to do in every room. You
Speaker 1: knew exactly how to chameleon yourself so that you could
Speaker 1: meet all of the moments with massive confidence, massive confidence
Speaker 1: because you had practice. Right. The uncollapsed life does not
Speaker 1: give you a script right. It does not tell you
Speaker 1: what to do. It does not inform you of what
Speaker 1: version of chameleon you should be in any given moment,
Speaker 1: with any given person, in any given day, in any
Speaker 1: given time. The uncollapsed version of you keeps asking you
Speaker 1: to show up. It's It keeps asking you to listen.
Speaker 1: It keeps asking you to make real choices in real time,
Speaker 1: without the safety of old patterns and old performance in
Speaker 1: your past to fall back on. And some days you
Speaker 1: will miss it. You will you will miss the easiness
Speaker 1: of it, or the perceived easiness of it. You will
Speaker 1: miss the familiar, the familiarity of it. You will miss
Speaker 1: the certainty of it. You will miss knowing what to do.
Speaker 1: And that is not a sign that you're regressing. That
Speaker 1: is a sign that you are human. Let yourself grieve
Speaker 1: kind of that old self, kindly right. And then, as
Speaker 1: we talked about at the very beginning, choose different.
Speaker 2: Choose again to stay home, Choose again to say no,
Speaker 2: Choose again to hold your boundaries, Choose again to honor you,
Speaker 2: Choose again to get.
Speaker 1: To know you in a world that would way better
Speaker 1: prefer you to know them. Okay, these costs, I'm sure
Speaker 1: there are more of them, but these costs they're not
Speaker 1: They do not mean that you've made the wrong choice.
Speaker 1: I think, at least for me, they meant that I'm
Speaker 1: that I made the real one. Okay, So I want,
Speaker 1: I want to name something because the costs are real,
Speaker 1: for sure, but the graces are so much more real. Okay,
Speaker 1: this is the grace that nobody promises. Nobody sells these
Speaker 1: because they are almost impossible to describe, but they are
Speaker 1: the reason the whole thing is worth it. Okay. You
Speaker 1: start to enjoy your own company, right, not perform your
Speaker 1: own company, not tolerate your own company. You enjoy it.
Speaker 1: You start to look forward to the drives alone. You
Speaker 1: start to look forward to the time that you have
Speaker 1: with yourself alone, the morning by yourself, the walk without
Speaker 1: a podcast in your ear, because the first time and
Speaker 1: maybe decades, the person who is there when you are
Speaker 1: alone is someone that you actually like being with. As
Speaker 1: I mentioned, becoming my own best friend. Mmmm, it was
Speaker 1: one of the most beautiful gifts that I've ever gotten,
Speaker 1: and I gave it to myself Okay, it's not a
Speaker 1: small thing. It's one of the deepest graces a human
Speaker 1: being can know. Number two. Grace number two, Okay, that
Speaker 1: is one of the deepest graces a human right can know.
Speaker 1: It's that you're yes and your nod come from the
Speaker 1: same place. Right before, when you were performing, your yes
Speaker 1: and your no were coming from different selves. Right your
Speaker 1: yes was coming from the part of you that wanted
Speaker 1: to be like your no was coming from the part
Speaker 1: of you that was too exhausted to say yes one
Speaker 1: more time. Uncollapsed. They come from the same place, the
Speaker 1: same quiet, steady, knowing place, And because they come from
Speaker 1: that same place, they start to feel different to you,
Speaker 1: right And they start to feel different to the people
Speaker 1: around you because you aren't lying anymore. People can feel
Speaker 1: the difference between a yes that costs you nothing and
Speaker 1: a yes that is offered because someone else needs Does
Speaker 1: that make sense? And when you're yes and your noah integrated,
Speaker 1: people finally get to meet you, the real you, and
Speaker 1: then they start relating to the real you, and that
Speaker 1: changes everything. And I think the last grace is that
Speaker 1: you stop looking for the thing, You stop reaching for
Speaker 1: the fix, right, You stop looking for the answer for
Speaker 1: the soul, you stop outsourcing your worth. And I didn't
Speaker 1: see this one coming, and I spent years looking for
Speaker 1: the thing, the thing, the next book, the next course,
Speaker 1: the next teacher, the next breakthrough that would finally complete
Speaker 1: me right. And then one day I just I realized
Speaker 1: that I was not looking anymore, that no one was
Speaker 1: coming to save me, because I didn't need saved right.
Speaker 1: And again, I wasn't looking anymore because not because I'd
Speaker 1: found it, because I had stopped believing that it existed
Speaker 1: outside of me. The thing was never a thing. The
Speaker 1: thing was a relationship, and the relationship was the one
Speaker 1: that I had been avoiding my entire life, and that
Speaker 1: relationship was the one with me right, the one that
Speaker 1: was always waiting for me to come home. And when
Speaker 1: you stop looking for the thing, your whole life opens up.
Speaker 1: You still grow, you still learn, You still read the books,
Speaker 1: but you read them differently. You read them from an
Speaker 1: already arrived self, not the still searching self. You don't
Speaker 1: read the book in hopes that by the time you
Speaker 1: flip to the last page, you're going to be fixed
Speaker 1: and you're going to be finally worthy enough to go
Speaker 1: into the world and do big things, And when you
Speaker 1: don't read it from a context. From that context, the
Speaker 1: way you read it changes. Right, you were never actually
Speaker 1: looking for answers. What if? What if that was true?
Speaker 1: What if you are just looking for permission to stop looking? Right? So,
Speaker 1: in episode two, I gave you a question, what would
Speaker 1: you do if you knew you were worthy? Right? That
Speaker 1: question is still the question, and I want you to
Speaker 1: keep asking it. But for the uncollapsed life, the integrated life,
Speaker 1: the life after the awakening, that Tuesday, that Wednesday, that Thursday. Right, that,
Speaker 1: there's a there's a micro practice, there's a micro pause. Okay,
Speaker 1: there's another question that starts to kind of rise underneath it,
Speaker 1: and I want to offer it to you today, And
Speaker 1: that is what does the already worthy self do next? Okay?
Speaker 1: Not how do I become worthy? Not how do I
Speaker 1: prove it? Not how do I finally meet it and
Speaker 1: feel it and read about it? And no, Right, what
Speaker 1: does the already worthy self do next? Okay? What does
Speaker 1: that self do? And when you ask it that way
Speaker 1: you start to notice something pretty cool? Right, The already
Speaker 1: worthy self does not have the same to do list
Speaker 1: as the trying to prove itself? Does? They want different things.
Speaker 1: They move at different speeds, They say yes and no
Speaker 1: to different things. The already worthy self is slower, more discerning,
Speaker 1: less desperate, more generous, more patient, less urgent, more rested.
Speaker 1: They do not need to win the eating. They do
Speaker 1: not need to be the smartest person in the room.
Speaker 1: They do not need to convert every moment into proof
Speaker 1: of their value. They don't need to outsource themselves. They
Speaker 1: don't need to hide, they don't need to dim themselves.
Speaker 1: They do not need to wait to be chosen, because
Speaker 1: they stop asking the question of whether or not they're
Speaker 1: worthy of being chosen a long time ago. They just
Speaker 1: do what's next, cleanly, simply, from a very settled place.
Speaker 1: And when you ask, what does the already worthy self
Speaker 1: do next? Over and over right at the meeting, in
Speaker 1: the conversation, in the mirror, in the planning of your life,
Speaker 1: you start to build a whole life out of uncollapsed choices.
Speaker 1: That is the integration, that is the becoming, That is
Speaker 1: what we have been working toward all month, all month.
Speaker 1: So if you are interested one in taking this work,
Speaker 1: taking taking these questions and really exploring them right, not
Speaker 1: just philosophically, as you listen on your walk or folding
Speaker 1: your folding your laundry, or wherever you are meeting this
Speaker 1: conversation at But practically I want to join you. If
Speaker 1: you're I want to invite you if you're not already
Speaker 1: to join the lab, join join our community. There's a
Speaker 1: link below in the podcast. But it's important. Work. Your
Speaker 1: life is important. It is the most important thing. A
Speaker 1: lot of people think that time and money are our
Speaker 1: biggest assets. Some people might even argue that our mind,
Speaker 1: our brain, is the biggest asset, but it isn't. Your
Speaker 1: biggest asset is your life. Your life and how you
Speaker 1: live it. And if you are not living it intentionally
Speaker 1: and consciously and courageously, you are living it in default.
Speaker 1: And I want more for you, and I think probably
Speaker 1: if you ask, deep down, you want more for you.
Speaker 1: We explore that more right, not as a theory, but
Speaker 1: as a practice in the Lab, and so we hope
Speaker 1: that you will join us in there. It's a beautiful,
Speaker 1: amazing community of people. And if you're listening to me
Speaker 1: and you're in it, you know it. So until now time,
Speaker 1: my beautiful friends, have a most amazing, beautiful day. Go
Speaker 1: be courageous, keep asking yourself the question, what would I
Speaker 1: do next if I was already worthy? It's worth asking
Speaker 1: and asking and asking and asking. Okay, till next time,
Speaker 1: my friends, have a beautiful one. Take care bye. If
Speaker 1: this episode cracked something open good, let it and then
Speaker 1: head to lea rollincoaching dot com and grab the tools
Speaker 1: to rewire the story and reclaim your future. It is yours,
Speaker 1: And then share this with someone who's still waiting to
Speaker 1: be chosen, still waiting for permission, and remind them they
Speaker 1: don't need a breakthrough, that they are the breakthrough. Until
Speaker 1: next time, my beautiful friends, invest in you and keep
Speaker 1: becoming th best take to the best Take