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Speaker 1: When I was dead by vincent O'Sullivan. And yet my

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heart will not confess. He owes the malady that doth

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my life besiege. All's well that ends well. That was

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the worst of Ravenal Hall. The passages were long and gloomy,

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the rooms were musty and dull. Even the pictures were

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somber and their subjects dire. On an autumn evening, when

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the wind soft and wailed to the trees in the park,

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and the dead leaves whistled and chattered, while the rain

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clamored at the windows, small wonder that folks with gentle

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nerves when a straying in their wits an acute nervous

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system is a grievous burthen on the deck of a

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yacht under sunlit skies. At Ravenel, the chain of nerves

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was prone to clash and jangle a funeral march. Nerves

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must be pampered in a tea drinking community. And the

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ghosts that your grandfather with a skinful of port could

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face and never tremble sets you in your sobriety, sweating

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and shivering, or becoming scared, poor ghost of your bold

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styes and dropping jaw. He quenches expectation by not appearing

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at all. So I am left to conclude that it

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was tea which made my acquaintance afraid to stay at Ravenal.

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Even Wilburn gave over, and as he is in the

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guards and a polo player, his nerves ought to be

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strong enough. On the night before he went, I was

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explaining to him my theory that if you place some

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drops of human blood near you, and then concentrate your thoughts,

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you will, after a while see before you a man

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or a woman who will stay with you during the

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long hours of the night, and even meet you at

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unexpected places during the day. I was explaining this theory,

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I repeat, when he interrupted me with words senseless enough,

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which sent me fencing and parrying strangers on my guard.

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I say, Alister, my dear chap, he began, you ought

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to get out of this place and go up to

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town and knock about a bit. You really ought, you know, yes,

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I replied, and get poisoned at the hotels by bad

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food and at the clubs by bad talk. I suppose no,

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thank you, and let me say that your care for

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my health enervates me. Well. You can do as you

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like says, he rapping with his feet on the floor.

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I'm hanged if I stay here after tomorrow, I'll be

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staring mad if I do. He was my last visitor.

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Some weeks after his departure, I was sitting in the

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library with my drops of blood by me. I had

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got my theory nearly perfect by this time, but there

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was one difficulty. The figure, which I had ever before me,

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was the figure of an old woman, with her hair

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divided in the middle, and her hair fell to her shoulders,

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white on one side and black on the other. She

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was a very complete old woman, but alas she was eyeless,

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and when I tried to construct the eyes, she would

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shrivel and rot in my sight. But to night I

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was thinking, thinking as I had never thought before, and

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the eyes were just creeping into the head, when I

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heard a terrible crash outside, as if some heavy substance

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had fallen of a sudden. The door was flung open,

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and two maid servants entered. They glanced at the rug

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under my chair, and at that they turned a sick

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white cried on God, and huddled out, how dare you

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enter the library in this manner? I demanded sternly. No

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answer came back from them, so I started in pursuit.

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I found all the servants in the house gathered in

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a knot at the end of the passage. Missus Pebble

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I said smartly to the housekeeper, I want those two

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women discharged tomorrow. It's an outrage. You ought to be

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more careful. But she was not attending to me. Her

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face was distorted with terror. Ah dear, ah dear, She went,

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We had all better go to the library together, says

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she to the others. Am I master of my own house,

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Missus Pebble, I inquired, bringing my knuckles down with a

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bang on the table. None of them seemed to see

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me or hear me. I might as well have been

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shrieking in a desert. I followed them down the passage

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and forbade them to enter the library. But they trooped

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past me and stood with a clutter around the hearth rug.

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Then three or four of them began dragging and lifting,

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as if they were lifting a helpless body, and stumbled

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with their imaginary burthen over to a sofa. Old Solmes,

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the butler stood near poor young gentleman. He said, with

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a sob I've known him since he was a baby,

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and to think of him being dead like this, and

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so young too. I crossed the room. What is all this, Solmes,

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I cried, shaking him roughly by the shoulders. I am

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not dead. I am here here. As he did not stir,

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I got a little scared. Palms, old friend, I called,

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don't you know me, don't you know the little boy

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you used to play with? Say I am not dead, Solms,

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Please Solmes. He stooped down and kissed the sofa. I

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think one of the men ought to ride over to

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the village for the doctor, mister Solmes, says Missus Pebble,

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and he shuffled out to give the order. Now this

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doctor was an ignorant dog whom I had been forced

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to exclude from the house because he went about proclaiming

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his belief in a saving God at the same time

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that he proclaimed himself a man of science. He I

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was resolved should never cross my threshold. And I followed

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Missus Pebble through the house, screaming out prohibition. But I

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did not even catch a groan from her, not a

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nod of the head nor cast of the eye to

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show that she had heard. I met the doctor at

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the door of the library. Well, I sneered, throwing my

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hand in his face. Have you come to teach me

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some new prayers? He brushed past me as if he

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had not felt the blow, and knelt down by the sofa.

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Rupture of a vessel on the brain, I think, he

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says to Solmes and Missus Pebble after a short moment.

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He has been dead some hours, Poor fellow, you had

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better telegraph for his sister, and I will send up

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the undertaker to arrange the body. You liar, I yelled, you,

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whining liar. Have you the insolence to tell my servants

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that I am dead when you see me here face

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to face? He was far in the passage, with Solmes

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and Missus Pebble at his heels. Ere I had ended,

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and not one of the three turned round. All that

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night I sat in the library. Strangely enough, I had

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no wish to sleep, nor during the time that followed,

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had I any craving to eat. In the morning, the

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men came, and although I ordered them out, they proceeded

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to minister about something I could not see. So all

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day I stayed in the library or wandered about the house,

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And at night the men came again, bringing with them

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a coffin. Then, in my humor, thinking it shame that

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so fine a cough and should be empty, I lay

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the night in it and slept a soft, dreamless sleep,

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the softest sleep I have ever slept. And when the

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men came the next day, I rested still, and the

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undertaker shaped me a strange valet. On the evening after that,

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I was coming downstairs when I noted some luggage in

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the hall, and so learned that my sister had arrived.

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I had not seen this woman since her marriage, and

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I loathed her more than I loathed any creature in

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this ill organized world. She was very beautiful, I think,

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tall and dark and straight as a ramrod, and she

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had an unruly passion for scandal and dress. I suppose

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the reason I disliked her so intensely was that she

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had a habit of making one aware of her presence

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when she was several yards off. At half past nine o'clock,

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my sister came down to the library in a very

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charming wrap, and I soon found that she was as

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insensible to my presence as the others. I trembled with

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rage to see him kneel down by the coffin, my coffin,

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But when she had bent over to kiss the pillow,

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I threw away control. A knife, which had been used

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to cut string, was laying upon a table. I seized

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it and drove it into her neck. She fled from

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the room, screaming, Come, Come, she cried, her voice quivering

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with anguish. The corpse is bleeding from the nose. Then

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I cursed her. On the evening of the third day,

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there was a heavy fall of snow. About eleven o'clock,

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I observed the house was filled with blacks and mutes,

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and folk of the country who came for the obsequies.

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I went into the library and sat still and waited.

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Soon came the men, and they closed the lid of

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the coffin and bore it out on their shoulders. And

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yet I sat, feeling rather sadly that something of mine

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had been taken away. I could not quite think what

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for half an hour, perhaps dreaming, dreaming, And then I

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glided to the hall door. There was no trace left

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of the funeral, but after a while I sighted a

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black thread winding slowly across the white plain. I am

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not dead, I moaned, and rubbed my face in the

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pure snow and tossed it on my neck and hair.

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Sweet God, I am not dead, and of when I

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was dead,