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<v Speaker 1>This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI

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<v Speaker 1>AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand

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<v Speaker 1>on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy

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<v Speaker 1>Wall Show on KFI AM six forty, Live everywhere on

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<v Speaker 1>the iHeartRadio app. This week, I got a call from

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<v Speaker 1>a journalist asking me to comment on a relationship that

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<v Speaker 1>has hidden tension. Tensions like it's a little bit rocky,

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<v Speaker 1>but nobody's talking about it. Maybe people are at least

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<v Speaker 1>one partner, maybe both are walking on eggshells and they

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<v Speaker 1>know that there's a problem, nobody's ready to confront it

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<v Speaker 1>right now. Interesting enough, I actually know a couple who's

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<v Speaker 1>going through this hit. I've witnessed it. They don't even

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<v Speaker 1>know that they're in a rocky phase, but I'm watching

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm I'm going to go through some of the

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<v Speaker 1>ways you can tell that you've got hidden tensions in

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<v Speaker 1>your relationship, and I'll tell you the things that they have.

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<v Speaker 1>First of all, there are two kinds of reasons why

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<v Speaker 1>tensions might be hidden in a relationship. First would be

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<v Speaker 1>that there literally are no words. You know, some people

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<v Speaker 1>didn't learn healthy communication skills when they were growing up,

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<v Speaker 1>they may rely on silent and often passive aggressive communication

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<v Speaker 1>to express their negative emotions.

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<v Speaker 2>Right.

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<v Speaker 1>Some people even believe that their partners should be a

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<v Speaker 1>mind reader, and their partners should know why they're mad

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<v Speaker 1>or when they're mad. Uh, you know what, I don't

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<v Speaker 1>know anybody that's a mind reader. I really don't nobody.

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<v Speaker 1>So there are some people who literally were just not

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<v Speaker 1>taught how to express their feelings, especially when they're negative

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<v Speaker 1>or uncomfort And the other reason is that there are

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<v Speaker 1>some people who express, you know, they're very covert because

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<v Speaker 1>they're not even aware of their own feelings. That means

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<v Speaker 1>that when they were growing up, their feelings weren't even

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<v Speaker 1>acknowledged as a child, their feelings weren't mirrored, their feelings

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<v Speaker 1>weren't welcomed. You know. I remember when I was a

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<v Speaker 1>kid being told go to your room and come back

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<v Speaker 1>when you've changed your attitude, Like nobody helping me explore

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<v Speaker 1>what was going on. It's just, you know what, when

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<v Speaker 1>you have a smile on your face, you can come

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<v Speaker 1>back to this table. Okay, that's the stuff I heard, right,

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<v Speaker 1>So I had to learn myself how to be aware

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<v Speaker 1>of my feelings and how to express them. Now here's

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<v Speaker 1>the thing. Even when feelings, when we're not aware of

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<v Speaker 1>our feelings because I've been pushed down for so many years,

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<v Speaker 1>they go into what's called our unconscious, And our unconscious

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<v Speaker 1>is a huge driver of our behavior. It actually knows

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<v Speaker 1>things that you don't know. Right, So you may be

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<v Speaker 1>unhappy in your relationship, and you might not even know

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<v Speaker 1>you're unhappy in your relationship, but you're unconscious. It will

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<v Speaker 1>telegraph behaviors that show the world and definitely your partner,

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<v Speaker 1>that you're irritated or sad. And this will happen long

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<v Speaker 1>before you're fully aware of your feelings. And that's what's

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<v Speaker 1>happening in this couple that I know about. I'm not

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<v Speaker 1>gonna say what southern California city they live in. And

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<v Speaker 1>maybe you're seeing yourself in that. So what happens is

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<v Speaker 1>our unconscious will act out in strange ways. Okay, So,

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<v Speaker 1>whether you're aware or not that you're irritated by your

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<v Speaker 1>partner but you haven't brought it up. Here are some

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<v Speaker 1>signs that one partner is unhappy in their relationship. First

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<v Speaker 1>of all, they may become forgetfull. Remember a relationship is

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<v Speaker 1>an exchange of care, so a couple who a partner

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<v Speaker 1>who is displeased may suddenly forget to uphold their end

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<v Speaker 1>of the bargain. They might start showing up late, forget

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<v Speaker 1>to take out the trash, forget to make that dinner reservation,

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<v Speaker 1>say things like, oh, I'm so sorry, Han, I totally

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<v Speaker 1>forgot to pick up your dry cleaning. I have no idea,

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<v Speaker 1>why do you have any other clean shirts? So you

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<v Speaker 1>get married of that important meeting whatever. And they really

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<v Speaker 1>don't even know why they're forgetful. They're forgetful because they're

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<v Speaker 1>unconscious of saying, you're pissed off at this person, so

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<v Speaker 1>let's make them suffer, right, So forgetfulness is a big

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<v Speaker 1>sign that there are tensions in a relationship. That happened

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<v Speaker 1>with the couple. We were literally all out to dinner,

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<v Speaker 1>sitting at a table, and she had pulled the dinner

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<v Speaker 1>together and she was introducing everybody, and she forgot to

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<v Speaker 1>introduce her husband. She just passed by. I'm like, uh,

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<v Speaker 1>are got a husband? Uh? Okay? Number two. Their face

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<v Speaker 1>doesn't match their words. You know, our face has forty

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<v Speaker 1>three muscles and it is deeply connected to our true feelings.

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<v Speaker 1>Why do you think the game of poker is so

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<v Speaker 1>hard because it's difficult to maintain that punk er face

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<v Speaker 1>if you've got a good hand or a bad hand.

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<v Speaker 1>So watch when people talk. Don't listen to their words.

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<v Speaker 1>Watch those tiny muscles around the mouth when they turn

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<v Speaker 1>down instead of up. They might be saying something positive,

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<v Speaker 1>but their face is saying something negative. This is a

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<v Speaker 1>big sign that there are tensions in the relationship. I

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<v Speaker 1>mean when they're talking about their spouse or their mate

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<v Speaker 1>or what have you. And here's my favorite, they gossip

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<v Speaker 1>negatively about other couples. So this is an example of

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<v Speaker 1>Carl Jung's shadow at play. So Carl Jung had this

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<v Speaker 1>theory that there are few traits inside of us that

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<v Speaker 1>are so repulsive we can't even tolerate knowing they exist.

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<v Speaker 1>So instead of taking them out and examining our dark side,

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<v Speaker 1>we notice them everywhere else in the world and we

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<v Speaker 1>point critical fingers. So some people in unhappy relationships act

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<v Speaker 1>like their relationship is great, and they negatively gossip about

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<v Speaker 1>other couples instead of noticing the elephant in their own

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<v Speaker 1>living room. Just saying, all right, if any of this

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<v Speaker 1>sounds like it's been happening to you, what do you do?

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<v Speaker 1>So if your partner doesn't have emotional language or is

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<v Speaker 1>totally unaware of their passive aggressive behaviors, pointing it out

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<v Speaker 1>and asking them to change might only make them get

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<v Speaker 1>defensive and it might make them withdraw more. Instead, stay

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<v Speaker 1>on your own feelings. Just model healthy communication by telling

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<v Speaker 1>them how their behavior felt to you. So instead of saying,

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<v Speaker 1>why didn't you pick up my dry cleaning? You're so selfish?

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<v Speaker 1>You promised you would. You knew I had a big

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<v Speaker 1>meeting tomorrow. How about darling, I noticed you forgot to

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<v Speaker 1>pick up my dry cleaning cleaning. It made me feel unimportant.

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<v Speaker 1>It made me feel like I'm not a priority to you,

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<v Speaker 1>and it made me feel sad. Uh huh.

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<v Speaker 2>See that.

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<v Speaker 1>You just stay on your feelings. No one can argue

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<v Speaker 1>with your own feelings. Anytime you have a conversation about

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<v Speaker 1>your feelings. If somebody says you're overthinking this, you're overreacting,

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<v Speaker 1>You have no right to feel that way. Your answer

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<v Speaker 1>should be, you can't argue with my feelings. They're just

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<v Speaker 1>there and they're my feelings. And of course, hidden tensions

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<v Speaker 1>are best addressed by a licensed clinical therapist, So try

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<v Speaker 1>to get your partner to go to couple's therapy with you. Hey,

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<v Speaker 1>when we come back. You ever heard of the five

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<v Speaker 1>love languages? Well, guess what now there's eight. Yeah, yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>three more they've added to the list. Let's talk about

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<v Speaker 1>them when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor

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<v Speaker 1>Eddie Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Relive everywhere

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<v Speaker 1>on the iHeartRadio App.

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<v Speaker 2>You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI

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<v Speaker 2>AM six.

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<v Speaker 1>Forty Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on

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<v Speaker 1>KFI AM six forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.

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<v Speaker 1>I have been obsessed with the science of law for

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<v Speaker 1>a few decades, and you know, I really believe in

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<v Speaker 1>that motto that we teach best what we most need

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<v Speaker 1>to learn. And I will tell you that I began

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<v Speaker 1>this journey, this odyssey, this desire to understand why people

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<v Speaker 1>meet mate, separate, divorce, fight love, have great sex, have

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<v Speaker 1>bad sex, why they respect each other, why they don't

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<v Speaker 1>respect each other. I had a million questions, right. I

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<v Speaker 1>began the odyssey because my own love life was going

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<v Speaker 1>so bad. You know, I think I wrote my first book,

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<v Speaker 1>The Boyfriend Test, back in nineteen ninety eight and It's

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<v Speaker 1>filled with lots of anecdotes of my early dating life

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<v Speaker 1>in my twenties and early thirties, and it seemed like

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<v Speaker 1>I was dating so many bad boys. And it was

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<v Speaker 1>only much later and through the therapeutic process, that I

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<v Speaker 1>learned that there was a common denominator in every single

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<v Speaker 1>one of my relationships, and it was me. It was

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<v Speaker 1>the fact that I chose them. What was I doing?

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<v Speaker 1>And I kept saying, well, no, that I always attract

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<v Speaker 1>these types. You know what. We always attract all kinds

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<v Speaker 1>of people, but we don't have to be attracted back, right,

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<v Speaker 1>And so it was me ultimately doing the choosing to

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<v Speaker 1>give myself the gift of pain. You know what. Psychoanalytic

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<v Speaker 1>therapists might say that we are destined to relive the

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<v Speaker 1>traumas of our childhood in different ways right now in

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<v Speaker 1>adult romantic relationships until we make sense of it all,

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<v Speaker 1>until we sorted out. My particular journey began by reading

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<v Speaker 1>so many self help books. I read every self help

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<v Speaker 1>book out there. I will say the very first one

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<v Speaker 1>I read was The Road Less Traveled. If you haven't

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<v Speaker 1>read it, it's classic, you should still read it. It's great.

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<v Speaker 1>It got me into therapy. But I also remember reading

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<v Speaker 1>somewhere along the way that book The Love Languages. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>sure you've heard of it. The weird thing is it

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<v Speaker 1>like it was published and nobody read it, and then

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<v Speaker 1>like ten years later it suddenly became a bestseller. And

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<v Speaker 1>it really got a big boost during COVID because people

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<v Speaker 1>were sitting at home and fighting with their partners and

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<v Speaker 1>suddenly grabbing any kind of love or relationship book they

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<v Speaker 1>possibly could. Now I should tell you it was written

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<v Speaker 1>by a Christian counselor named doctor Gary Chapman, and he's

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<v Speaker 1>a marriage counselor. The book is called The Five Love Languages,

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<v Speaker 1>The Secret to Love That Lasts. Now, let me say this.

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<v Speaker 1>All kinds of researchers have attempted to do research on

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<v Speaker 1>these five love languages to see if a they're real,

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<v Speaker 1>their static, they work, you know, all that kind of stuff,

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<v Speaker 1>and they can't. There's no proof, there's no research to

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<v Speaker 1>back it up, but it feels so logical to the

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<v Speaker 1>lay people. So what doctor Chapman did is he identified

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<v Speaker 1>five different ways that people express love, and he said,

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<v Speaker 1>if you can just have your partner understand how you

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<v Speaker 1>express love, then they'll be able to recognize that as love, right,

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<v Speaker 1>because not everybody, I mean, we all have a different

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<v Speaker 1>version of love. Right. So the five love languages are

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<v Speaker 1>words of affirmation. Somebody gives lots of compliments and encouragement,

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<v Speaker 1>acts of service, doing things right, just helpful, whether it's

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<v Speaker 1>cleaning the house or building stuff or being a fixer

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<v Speaker 1>person whatever, running around doing errands for somebody, acts of

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<v Speaker 1>service gifts. Some people's way of expressing love is through

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<v Speaker 1>material sacrifice. Spending money, buying gifts, bringing on flowers all

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<v Speaker 1>the time other people is quality time. Spending time literally

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<v Speaker 1>talking and connecting other people is physical touch. If I

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<v Speaker 1>had to say, if I had to guess actually of

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<v Speaker 1>my sweet darling Julio, I would say his are acts

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<v Speaker 1>of service. He's very big at Like today, when I

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<v Speaker 1>was prepping for the show and reading articles, I was like, Oh,

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<v Speaker 1>the car's so dirty. I want to leave early so

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<v Speaker 1>I have time to wash it. And while I was

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<v Speaker 1>busy doing that, he went out and hand washed my

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<v Speaker 1>car himself. Was it nice? And the other for sure

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<v Speaker 1>for him is physical touch because he's a cuddly guy

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<v Speaker 1>and I am too, so that works out great, all right.

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<v Speaker 1>But who knew that there are many many ways to

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<v Speaker 1>express love. My personal opinion, by the way, is it

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<v Speaker 1>doesn't matter how you express love. It's more important how

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<v Speaker 1>somebody likes to receive love. So instead of marching in

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<v Speaker 1>and saying, well, this is how I give love, so

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<v Speaker 1>put up with it instead, Probably the better idea is

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<v Speaker 1>to say, how do you feel loved? How do you

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<v Speaker 1>know that you are experiencing love? What can I do

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<v Speaker 1>or say to help you feel loved? I think that'd

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<v Speaker 1>be a more important question. Anyway. Psychologists have come up

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<v Speaker 1>with three new languages per Can you believe that? Three news?

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<v Speaker 1>So now I guess there's eight love languages. Let me

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<v Speaker 1>go through them real quick. I love this one. The

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<v Speaker 1>first one the love language of patience in chaos. Oh yes,

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<v Speaker 1>there are times of complete stress, times of meltdowns, times

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<v Speaker 1>when the world is spinning out of control. And what

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<v Speaker 1>if you're fortunate enough to have a partner who's one

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<v Speaker 1>of those stoic, calm persons when the boat is rocking

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<v Speaker 1>and the sea is shaking. Isn't that cool? Yeah? Because

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<v Speaker 1>you know, emotions are contagious, and so you might be

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<v Speaker 1>able to calm down because they're calm whenever it's chaos.

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<v Speaker 1>The second new love language, the love language of validating

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<v Speaker 1>each other's worth. Well, this is a little like words

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<v Speaker 1>of affirmation, but it's a little different, right, It's this

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<v Speaker 1>whole idea of being able to look at your partner

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<v Speaker 1>in a positive light, no matter what, valuing them. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>they've done research on long term, healthy, reportedly happy couples,

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<v Speaker 1>and they found that one of the things they do

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<v Speaker 1>is they continue to value their partner, meaning they really think,

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, they look up to their partner, their partner's

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<v Speaker 1>cool and of great value. They don't demean them. They

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<v Speaker 1>don't let thoughts of oh my god, why did I

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<v Speaker 1>choose this loser of a parson. They don't let those

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<v Speaker 1>thoughts enter their head. They're always like, oh yeah, I

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<v Speaker 1>remember she's so smart. Oh yeah, I remember he's so kind. Right,

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<v Speaker 1>And so there really is a love language in being

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<v Speaker 1>able to look at your partner and saying I see

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<v Speaker 1>your worth, I see your value. You are brave, you're worthy,

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<v Speaker 1>you deserve this right, And it can actually help raise

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<v Speaker 1>people's self esteem. Now, I know people say it's not

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<v Speaker 1>my job to raise your self esteem. You should have

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<v Speaker 1>you know, what relationships are dynamic. We feed off each other,

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<v Speaker 1>we work together. Why not help your partner feel good

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<v Speaker 1>about themselves? And the final love language, new love language,

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<v Speaker 1>if we're gonna say there's eight, is the love language

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<v Speaker 1>of small but essential acts. This is a big one.

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<v Speaker 1>Did you know? It's not about the big, sweeping, grand gestures.

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<v Speaker 1>Let me take you to Paris and bring you flowers

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<v Speaker 1>and champagne. No, because that's over in a week. What

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<v Speaker 1>about every day doing small little acts of kindness for

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<v Speaker 1>your partner, showing gratitude, saying thank you. What about that

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<v Speaker 1>small but essential acts? I love that. Hey, when we

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<v Speaker 1>come back. If you believe in soulmates, you're gonna want

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<v Speaker 1>to listen up. You are listening to The Doctor Wendy

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<v Speaker 1>Walls Show and kf I Am six forty Live everywhere

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<v Speaker 1>on the iHeartRadio app.

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<v Speaker 2>You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFIXT

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<v Speaker 2>Welcome back.

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<v Speaker 1>To the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy Wall Show

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<v Speaker 1>on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, I have always said that the one word

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<v Speaker 1>that drives me crazy, I don't know, like like the

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<v Speaker 1>hair on my spine stands up like nails on a chalkboard.

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<v Speaker 1>Like I feel a little nauseous. Is when people use

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<v Speaker 1>the word soulmate. I'm sorry when they use that word,

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<v Speaker 1>I know they're looking into crystals and checking their horoscope

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<v Speaker 1>and I don't know what else. Look. I don't mean

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<v Speaker 1>to put you down for whatever your faith in life is,

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<v Speaker 1>but there's no such thing as a soulmate. Okay. You

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<v Speaker 1>know what, People with good relationship skills are not only

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<v Speaker 1>attractive to more people, they can be attracted to more people.

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<v Speaker 1>So this idea, I mean, let's think, let's break it down.

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<v Speaker 1>What is the concept of a soulmate, destiny the cosmos

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<v Speaker 1>coming together? That there's one person who will see you

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<v Speaker 1>feel you know you your soulmate, and everything will be

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<v Speaker 1>perfect because you will be such a perfect match that

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<v Speaker 1>you will not have any problems in the relationship if

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<v Speaker 1>only you can find this person. It's a crazy idea,

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<v Speaker 1>this idea that somebody's going to make up for all

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<v Speaker 1>your flaws, all your needs, and basically leave you in

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<v Speaker 1>a place of ecstasy of happily ever after for no

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<v Speaker 1>reason except that they are themselves and they are perfect.

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<v Speaker 1>They are the one you know why. This myth is dangerous.

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<v Speaker 1>It's dangerous for a number of reasons. One is, if

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<v Speaker 1>you believe in the myth of a soulmate, it puts

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<v Speaker 1>you on an endless search for perfection. Right, so when

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<v Speaker 1>you're on dating apps, you're gonna be like, no, no,

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<v Speaker 1>now now, not right, not right, not my soulmate. No,

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't like they said that. I didn't like they've

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<v Speaker 1>texted that. No, no, no, no no. Right. You have

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<v Speaker 1>this idea that you're going to find somebody who has

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<v Speaker 1>no dark side in their personality. You're gonna have no

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<v Speaker 1>conflict at all, You're gonna have great sex forever. Uh uh.

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<v Speaker 1>You know what's going to happen if you believe this

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<v Speaker 1>time is going to run out because this person doesn't exist.

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<v Speaker 1>Then if you start dating somebody and you continue with

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<v Speaker 1>your fantasy that a soulmate exists, whenever there's any little

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<v Speaker 1>bump in the road, you're going to break up instead

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<v Speaker 1>of makeup. Right. If you think that somebody has to

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<v Speaker 1>be perfect, then you believe that soulmates with so ma

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<v Speaker 1>there's never any fights, never any conflict. But you know what,

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<v Speaker 1>you're gonna get really frustrated because they're going to be

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<v Speaker 1>a human being and they're gonna fall short of your

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<v Speaker 1>crazy fantasy. Right, So you're not gonna learn the relationship

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<v Speaker 1>skills by sticking it out. Now, another reason believing in

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<v Speaker 1>a soulmate is dangerous is you will not gain the

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<v Speaker 1>skills of learning how to adapt to change your change.

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<v Speaker 1>There change the world's change. See, here's the sneaky thing

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<v Speaker 1>about life. It's not static, it's dynamic. Life is changing

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<v Speaker 1>every day. You know, they say that every seven years.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know if this is true, but I've heard

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<v Speaker 1>it that every single cell in your body has actually

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<v Speaker 1>replicated to the point that every seven years you're not

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<v Speaker 1>actually the same person you were biologically that you were

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<v Speaker 1>seven years ago. But there are environmental pressures on all

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<v Speaker 1>of us. Kids are born, people encounter health problems, they

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<v Speaker 1>lose their jobs, they put parents in the ground in

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<v Speaker 1>the grave, right. I mean things are changing all the

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<v Speaker 1>time in life. And if you believe you have a soulmate,

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<v Speaker 1>and that soulmate is going to make everything okay, you're

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<v Speaker 1>not going to be able to cope when the world changes,

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<v Speaker 1>or more importantly, when your partner changes and grows. Uh huh.

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<v Speaker 1>And the other thing that you do if you believe

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<v Speaker 1>in a soulmate is you deprive yourself of the gift

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<v Speaker 1>of learning to make a conscious rational choice. I've always

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<v Speaker 1>said love is a drug, but you decide whether to

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<v Speaker 1>take the drug or not. You decide whether to inject

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<v Speaker 1>it and how much and what the dose is. Right,

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<v Speaker 1>You're a human being, you have a brain. It's not like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know what happened. I was just taken over

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<v Speaker 1>by this soulmate. No, you are going to be able

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<v Speaker 1>to make a conscious choice. In fact, the best relationships

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<v Speaker 1>are built on conscious choice. You choose to date somebody,

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<v Speaker 1>you choose to move in with them, you choose to

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<v Speaker 1>marry them, you choose to commit to them, you choose

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<v Speaker 1>to make compromises for them. There's no such thing as

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<v Speaker 1>a perfect match where you don't get to do those things.

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<v Speaker 1>And finally, if you believe in the myth of a soulmate,

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<v Speaker 1>you will ignore good enough partners. You see, love is messy,

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<v Speaker 1>really messy. If you've been with me since the beginning

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<v Speaker 1>of the show, you know, even I, with all my

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<v Speaker 1>rich knowledge of the science of love, have sometimes speed

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<v Speaker 1>bumps in the relationship life on that road, right, So

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<v Speaker 1>I don't want you to ignore all the good enough

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<v Speaker 1>partners out there. I often say that relationships are a

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<v Speaker 1>gymnasium for your mind. They're designed to give you a workout.

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<v Speaker 1>They're designed to make you look at your peace in

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<v Speaker 1>whatever conflict comes up. So don't let people go just

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<v Speaker 1>because of small imperfections. Now okay, major abusive stuff, Okay, fine,

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<v Speaker 1>But there are people out there who protect themselves from intimacy, right.

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<v Speaker 1>Intimacy often involves conflict. They protect themselves from intimacy because

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<v Speaker 1>they are looking for perfect, and perfect just doesn't exist.

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<v Speaker 1>This idea that there's this one person, the one the

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<v Speaker 1>soulmate out there is hurting you. It's keeping you from growing.

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<v Speaker 1>And on that note, while you're all quickly going through

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<v Speaker 1>those apps and giving more people a chance. This brings

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<v Speaker 1>the Doctor wendywall Show to a close. It is always

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<v Speaker 1>my pleasure to be with you every Sunday night from

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<v Speaker 1>seven to nine. We're finishing a little early tonight because

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<v Speaker 1>cousin news room the Kfi's got something else exciting for

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<v Speaker 1>you coming up. But make sure you follow me on

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<v Speaker 1>social media. Come on over to Blue Sky if you dare,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm there and the handle everywhere is at doctor Wendy

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<v Speaker 1>Walsh wherever you fancy going on your social media but

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<v Speaker 1>I'm always here for you from seven to nine every

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<v Speaker 1>Sunday night. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls

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<v Speaker 1>Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the

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<v Speaker 1>iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You

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<v Speaker 1>can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty

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<v Speaker 1>from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on

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<v Speaker 1>demand on the iHeartRadio app