WEBVTT 1 00:00:01.040 --> 00:00:05.200 It's nice with Dan Ray. I'm telling you easy Boston 2 00:00:05.360 --> 00:00:07.360 New Radio. 3 00:00:07.799 --> 00:00:10.240 Welcome back everybody, Thanks very much. Elle. It is now 4 00:00:10.480 --> 00:00:12.759 at the ten o'clock hour, and we have only a 5 00:00:12.800 --> 00:00:15.560 couple of hours left in January, which makes me very 6 00:00:15.599 --> 00:00:17.640 happy to be really honest with it, besides the fact 7 00:00:17.640 --> 00:00:21.000 that today is a Friday, It's January thirty first, and 8 00:00:21.800 --> 00:00:26.120 next hour we'll go and talk about being happy when 9 00:00:26.160 --> 00:00:28.960 January is over. We do a twenty eighth our other week, 10 00:00:29.000 --> 00:00:31.679 and we always try to pick a subject that people 11 00:00:31.760 --> 00:00:35.520 might find different. Although we do brushes with celebrity two 12 00:00:35.600 --> 00:00:37.359 or three, at least two or three, maybe four times 13 00:00:37.399 --> 00:00:42.119 a year. I'm not a big fan of January too long, 14 00:00:42.240 --> 00:00:47.679 too cold, to wet, too snowy, too boring. And I 15 00:00:47.799 --> 00:00:51.240 like February. Two weeks from tonight it'll be Valentine's Day. 16 00:00:51.439 --> 00:00:55.560 That's the segue to my next guest. I am delighted 17 00:00:55.920 --> 00:01:00.359 to welcome Carolyn Sharp. Carolyn Sharp her book Fire It Up. 18 00:01:00.679 --> 00:01:05.200 Four Secrets to reigniting intimacy and enjoy in your relationship. 19 00:01:05.920 --> 00:01:10.799 This book has just hit the publishing houses where I 20 00:01:10.840 --> 00:01:14.599 should say Amazon and bookstores. Carol and Trump, Welcome to Nightside. 21 00:01:14.599 --> 00:01:15.400 How are you this evening. 22 00:01:16.280 --> 00:01:18.040 I'm very well, very happy to be. 23 00:01:18.000 --> 00:01:20.120 Here, well happy to have you here. As a matter 24 00:01:20.120 --> 00:01:23.519 of fact, on a Friday night, two weeks before Valentine's Day. 25 00:01:24.159 --> 00:01:27.079 How's the best happening. It's just came out on January seventh. 26 00:01:28.159 --> 00:01:31.959 It's doing great. My colleagues and the people that are 27 00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:35.760 reading it and the reviewers are finding it very helpful 28 00:01:36.000 --> 00:01:39.719 and entertaining as well. I don't do boring, as I 29 00:01:39.920 --> 00:01:41.920 like to say, and as my couples know that I 30 00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:46.040 work with, and so people are finding the humor because 31 00:01:46.079 --> 00:01:50.400 relationships are difficult and if we can't laugh about it, 32 00:01:50.400 --> 00:01:53.560 it makes it harder. So everyone's loving it so far. 33 00:01:53.519 --> 00:01:56.560 No question. I watched a fairly long, not fairly long 34 00:01:57.280 --> 00:02:01.920 for television long segment, and you certainly have points of view, 35 00:02:02.120 --> 00:02:06.120 and you are refreshing, and I'm hoping that we can 36 00:02:06.159 --> 00:02:09.159 spend some time tonight, maybe even talking with listeners who 37 00:02:09.240 --> 00:02:12.960 might look for some help in their relationship. So you're 38 00:02:13.000 --> 00:02:16.360 a couple's therapists. Let's let's make sure people understand what 39 00:02:16.439 --> 00:02:20.280 you do. You're not a matchmaker. You're not someone trying 40 00:02:20.280 --> 00:02:24.599 to help people either hook up or or or find 41 00:02:24.800 --> 00:02:28.360 the love of their life. You're basically the person who's 42 00:02:28.560 --> 00:02:36.639 coming into a relationship which has maybe diminished or broken down, 43 00:02:37.159 --> 00:02:38.919 broken down, yeah, a lot of different I was trying 44 00:02:38.919 --> 00:02:42.639 to find a way to that that the flame has 45 00:02:42.680 --> 00:02:46.400 not quite been extinguished, but but it's embrors or embers 46 00:02:46.439 --> 00:02:49.680 are dying. And is that an accurate characterization? 47 00:02:51.400 --> 00:02:54.280 Yes, I mean that is what I did for years 48 00:02:54.280 --> 00:02:56.599 and years and years full time. That was all I did. 49 00:02:56.800 --> 00:03:00.680 And then I started to grow frustrated and a little 50 00:03:00.680 --> 00:03:03.479 bit burned out on how many couples I was seeing 51 00:03:03.560 --> 00:03:06.960 give up on their relationships. Sort of, this is too hard, 52 00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:10.719 I'm out of here, coupled with what I think is 53 00:03:10.759 --> 00:03:13.960 sort of a mythology out there that relationships shouldn't be hard. 54 00:03:14.759 --> 00:03:15.360 And so I. 55 00:03:15.280 --> 00:03:19.960 Started getting creative about the ways that I could help 56 00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:23.159 couples before they ended up in my office as a therapist. 57 00:03:23.240 --> 00:03:26.680 And so I started doing coaching and courses and retreats 58 00:03:27.080 --> 00:03:30.080 to try and prevent a lot of the problems that 59 00:03:30.680 --> 00:03:35.439 end relationships that couples give up their relationship over. So 60 00:03:35.919 --> 00:03:39.039 while I do provide therapy to the couples that have 61 00:03:39.199 --> 00:03:43.000 fallen apart, I am more trying to help people before 62 00:03:43.039 --> 00:03:46.800 they need those services, And that is why I wrote 63 00:03:46.840 --> 00:03:49.800 the book, is to try and give everybody what they 64 00:03:49.840 --> 00:03:51.319 need to have a healthy relationship. 65 00:03:51.680 --> 00:03:53.840 So to put a different way, you're sort of an 66 00:03:53.919 --> 00:03:58.360 auto mechanic as a moment body shop. You don't want 67 00:03:58.400 --> 00:04:01.479 to deal with the car which has you'll suffered ten 68 00:04:01.520 --> 00:04:05.599 thousand dollars worth of damage in a head on accident 69 00:04:05.759 --> 00:04:09.840 because the brakes when you want to fix whatever's wrong 70 00:04:10.599 --> 00:04:12.840 with the car so it will stay out of that accident. 71 00:04:12.879 --> 00:04:18.000 It seems to me, yes, yes, exactly what the clack 72 00:04:18.199 --> 00:04:22.319 of the relationship business. 73 00:04:22.600 --> 00:04:24.959 Yeah, has anyone ever hit you with that analogy before? 74 00:04:24.959 --> 00:04:26.600 I was trying to come up with an analogy on 75 00:04:26.680 --> 00:04:29.319 my own which would people would make people better understand it. 76 00:04:30.279 --> 00:04:33.199 Yeah, Yeah, I've been Yeah, I mean, I've used that. 77 00:04:33.360 --> 00:04:35.959 I mean and in the book. The book is obviously 78 00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:39.720 playing on a fire metaphor that you know, if anybody, 79 00:04:39.759 --> 00:04:42.920 any of your listeners are our campers, you know that 80 00:04:42.959 --> 00:04:45.879 there are three ingredients to a healthy fire. There's oxygen, 81 00:04:45.920 --> 00:04:48.240 there's ignition, and there's fuel. We need all three of 82 00:04:48.279 --> 00:04:51.079 those things to have a healthy fire. We also need 83 00:04:51.120 --> 00:04:54.040 those for a healthy relationship. And so that's the metaphor 84 00:04:54.160 --> 00:04:57.600 I use to build a healthy relationship and then keep 85 00:04:57.639 --> 00:05:01.639 the relationship sparking and roaring and in all of the 86 00:05:01.639 --> 00:05:02.199 good ways. 87 00:05:02.439 --> 00:05:05.759 Okay, so explain how those three elements that are needed 88 00:05:05.839 --> 00:05:09.600 to to light a campfire and get a campfire going. 89 00:05:10.240 --> 00:05:13.040 Explain how each of those elements work within a relationship. 90 00:05:13.040 --> 00:05:15.120 What the oxygen represent, yep. 91 00:05:15.720 --> 00:05:19.600 Happy to so in a relationship, the oxygen of the 92 00:05:19.639 --> 00:05:23.199 relationship is the understanding of each other as people, of 93 00:05:23.240 --> 00:05:26.040 who we are, and the acceptance of each other as 94 00:05:26.079 --> 00:05:29.000 who we are. So couples spend a lot of time. 95 00:05:29.000 --> 00:05:31.759 They waste a lot of time trying to get their partner. 96 00:05:31.439 --> 00:05:32.680 To be like they are. 97 00:05:33.120 --> 00:05:35.759 Clean the kitchen the way I do it, fix the 98 00:05:35.759 --> 00:05:37.920 car the way I do it, you know, raise the 99 00:05:37.959 --> 00:05:39.639 kids the way I do it, And they end up 100 00:05:39.639 --> 00:05:41.439 wasting a lot of time and causing a lot of 101 00:05:41.480 --> 00:05:45.319 distance and a lot of conflict. And instead I teach 102 00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:48.639 people how to really understand why their partner, you know, 103 00:05:48.759 --> 00:05:50.759 does the dishes the way they do, or all that 104 00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:53.639 sort of stuff, what it means to us. And that's really, 105 00:05:53.759 --> 00:05:57.639 you know, a simple and silly example, but that understanding 106 00:05:57.680 --> 00:06:01.360 is oxygen to us. And the other piece of oxygen 107 00:06:01.600 --> 00:06:04.000 is the right amount of time together and time apart, 108 00:06:04.160 --> 00:06:07.720 because as many couples experience going through the pandemic and 109 00:06:07.720 --> 00:06:11.560 the lockdown, being together twenty four to seven is suffocating 110 00:06:11.680 --> 00:06:14.759 the relationship, but it an't good for anybody. But neither 111 00:06:14.959 --> 00:06:18.040 is spending all our time in separate interests, and so 112 00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:20.560 each couple has to find what's the right balance for 113 00:06:20.680 --> 00:06:23.240 us of time together and time apart. So that's the oxygen. 114 00:06:23.800 --> 00:06:25.040 The fuel is. 115 00:06:25.000 --> 00:06:29.519 The healthy communication, the creating the emotional safety and security 116 00:06:29.519 --> 00:06:31.879 in the relationship. To be able to be flawed human beings, 117 00:06:31.879 --> 00:06:33.920 to be able to be our best selves, to be 118 00:06:33.920 --> 00:06:36.680 able to communicate our needs, get our needs in met. 119 00:06:36.759 --> 00:06:39.560 That's the fuel for the relationship. And then finally, the 120 00:06:39.600 --> 00:06:43.600 ignition for the relationship is the passion, the fun, the play, 121 00:06:43.800 --> 00:06:48.879 the mystery that separates our intimate relationship from every other 122 00:06:48.920 --> 00:06:50.920 relationship we have out there. 123 00:06:50.680 --> 00:06:52.600 Because lots of couples over a. 124 00:06:52.600 --> 00:06:57.360 Twenty thirty forty year marriage commitment end up feeling more 125 00:06:57.399 --> 00:07:01.240 like roommates or business partners than they do like intimate 126 00:07:01.439 --> 00:07:04.399 romantic partners. And so you need that ignition to make 127 00:07:04.399 --> 00:07:07.839 your relationship special and different from any other one you're in. 128 00:07:08.519 --> 00:07:13.480 Well, you certainly those Yeah, yeah, you've explained it beautifully, 129 00:07:13.519 --> 00:07:17.600 and I'm hoping some people may have some questions or comments. 130 00:07:17.639 --> 00:07:20.600 I've got a million questions, and my audience oftentimes will 131 00:07:20.600 --> 00:07:23.800 rely upon my questions. But feel free give us a 132 00:07:23.839 --> 00:07:26.480 call six one, seven, two, five, four ten thirty six 133 00:07:26.560 --> 00:07:31.480 one seven, nine three one ten thirty. And again, this 134 00:07:31.560 --> 00:07:36.519 is not a sort of a dating scene. We've done 135 00:07:36.600 --> 00:07:40.800 those before. We don't do this very often, by the way, Carolyn. 136 00:07:40.839 --> 00:07:44.399 We do a lot of politics and current events and 137 00:07:44.759 --> 00:07:47.920 what's going on in the world, whether it's a horrific 138 00:07:47.959 --> 00:07:50.240 plane crash, as we spent a lot of time for 139 00:07:50.240 --> 00:07:54.759 the last couple of nights. It's funny when those incidents occur. 140 00:07:56.480 --> 00:08:02.120 Someone mentioned to me today that it just underscore the 141 00:08:02.199 --> 00:08:06.439 fragility of life. I think all of us that granted, 142 00:08:06.639 --> 00:08:10.160 and we get into a silly, stupid argument with those 143 00:08:11.120 --> 00:08:15.639 to us, and we expand, you know, so much energy 144 00:08:15.639 --> 00:08:18.360 on stuff that really is not important. And then when 145 00:08:18.399 --> 00:08:21.639 you see something where these people are literally in a 146 00:08:21.759 --> 00:08:25.040 landing pattern, I mean they're they're they're almost ready to 147 00:08:25.040 --> 00:08:29.040 touch down and and and and complete the flight, and 148 00:08:29.160 --> 00:08:33.559 out of nowhere, the helicopter collides and everybody's done in 149 00:08:33.600 --> 00:08:37.720 a matter of seconds. It just shows shows you how 150 00:08:37.799 --> 00:08:42.039 fragile life is. And whatever arguments you're having with your spouse, 151 00:08:42.320 --> 00:08:45.519 they pale in comparison to you. Look at some of 152 00:08:45.559 --> 00:08:48.600 these as as it so happened up here they were. 153 00:08:49.360 --> 00:08:52.360 There are some widowers now because of a couple of 154 00:08:53.080 --> 00:08:56.840 the skaters. Their moms went with them to this particular event. 155 00:08:56.919 --> 00:09:01.519 It's it's horrible. So folks, take advantage of the opportunity 156 00:09:01.559 --> 00:09:03.120 we present to you tonight. And if you'd like to 157 00:09:03.120 --> 00:09:06.200 talk with Carolyn Sharp, she's a couple's therapist. You'd have 158 00:09:06.240 --> 00:09:09.360 to pay a lot of money to spend some time 159 00:09:09.399 --> 00:09:12.840 talking to Carolyn Sharp or any other couple's therapist. Uh, 160 00:09:12.960 --> 00:09:15.200 this is available for you. Six one, seven, two, five, 161 00:09:15.240 --> 00:09:17.519 four ten thirty six one seven, nine, three, one ten 162 00:09:17.600 --> 00:09:22.519 thirty Coming right back on Nightside. Value our time together 163 00:09:22.639 --> 00:09:27.320 because again, at some point, the candle of life goes out, 164 00:09:27.360 --> 00:09:29.679 and it often goes out in a very sudden way 165 00:09:29.679 --> 00:09:32.120 that none of us expect. Back on Nightside after this. 166 00:09:33.080 --> 00:09:36.240 Now back to Dan Ray live from the Window World 167 00:09:36.360 --> 00:09:40.080 Nightside Studios on WBZ News Radio. 168 00:09:41.480 --> 00:09:44.440 My guest is Carolyn Sharp. She has written a book 169 00:09:44.600 --> 00:09:48.360 Fired up. She is a long time couple's therapist. Before 170 00:09:48.399 --> 00:09:51.840 we get to phone calls Carolyn real quickly. There's an 171 00:09:51.840 --> 00:09:57.159 old saying that opposites attract. I'm not sure that's true. 172 00:09:58.200 --> 00:10:02.080 What happens when you get the sort of Hollywood type 173 00:10:02.120 --> 00:10:05.679 marriages where you have the the handsome leading man and 174 00:10:05.759 --> 00:10:13.879 the beautiful starlet. They're there megastars, and they they're A personalities. 175 00:10:14.000 --> 00:10:17.759 I guess they're hard chargers and they always seem to 176 00:10:17.840 --> 00:10:21.919 end up getting divorced. Yeah, yeah, So how tough is 177 00:10:21.919 --> 00:10:27.200 it for two A personalities to coexist in a marriage. 178 00:10:28.039 --> 00:10:32.440 Well, you know, first, the sort of idea of opposites attracts, 179 00:10:32.519 --> 00:10:36.399 there's actually brain science to that. When we first meet 180 00:10:36.440 --> 00:10:39.840 another person and are interested in dating, there's a genetic 181 00:10:39.879 --> 00:10:42.559 component to that, where we're where our brain is looking 182 00:10:42.679 --> 00:10:47.279 unconsciously for mating for life. At around six to eighteen months, 183 00:10:47.320 --> 00:10:50.879 our brain starts looking for familiarity. It's looking for what 184 00:10:51.399 --> 00:10:54.759 do I recognize as familiar to me in relationships and 185 00:10:54.840 --> 00:10:57.799 what we were taught to expect in relationships. So then 186 00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:00.679 that's when we marry our parents. You know that expression 187 00:11:00.720 --> 00:11:02.600 that you married your mother or you married your father, 188 00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:06.919 it's because we're marrying the dynamic that we grew up with, 189 00:11:07.120 --> 00:11:09.600 you know, some of us. I grew up in New 190 00:11:09.639 --> 00:11:12.960 York and it was a high conflict, you know, like 191 00:11:13.360 --> 00:11:17.440 yelling was normal and sarcasm was normal, and that is 192 00:11:17.480 --> 00:11:20.440 what I'm you know, that is what I've found myself in. 193 00:11:21.159 --> 00:11:25.919 That's what's familiar to me. So that's where that expression 194 00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:29.080 comes from. There's some truth to it as to you know, 195 00:11:29.200 --> 00:11:32.320 two A types. You know, there are all kinds of 196 00:11:32.360 --> 00:11:37.159 differences in relationship in terms of high conflict couples or 197 00:11:37.279 --> 00:11:39.919 high arousal couples and arousal I don't mean in the 198 00:11:39.960 --> 00:11:43.320 fun way. I mean people that get real hot, real angry, 199 00:11:43.399 --> 00:11:46.399 real fast, take a long time to slow down, all 200 00:11:46.440 --> 00:11:49.320 that kind of stuff. And there's real science to that. 201 00:11:49.600 --> 00:11:51.960 And so it's like a I don't know, it's like 202 00:11:52.000 --> 00:11:55.159 a grid of the different characteristics, some of which are 203 00:11:55.200 --> 00:11:57.080 easily resolved and. 204 00:11:56.960 --> 00:11:59.879 Some of which are really tricky to resolve. 205 00:12:00.759 --> 00:12:03.440 Hollywood doesn't do us any favors, and a lot of 206 00:12:03.440 --> 00:12:05.679 the mythologies that you shouldn't have to work on your 207 00:12:05.720 --> 00:12:09.039 relationship and it should be easy, and all of that 208 00:12:09.159 --> 00:12:14.679 sort of stuff coupled with sort of you know, what's 209 00:12:14.720 --> 00:12:15.480 the expression. 210 00:12:16.000 --> 00:12:17.600 We want what we want, and we want. 211 00:12:17.440 --> 00:12:19.440 It fast, and if we don't get it fast, we 212 00:12:19.480 --> 00:12:23.679 sort of toss it out, you know everything. Instant gratification, 213 00:12:24.240 --> 00:12:27.320 instant gratification. Thank you, there it is, it's it's it's 214 00:12:27.639 --> 00:12:31.519 past my bedtime. If I'm If I'm being honest, my 215 00:12:31.639 --> 00:12:34.960 vocabulary is a little bit gone at this out reason. 216 00:12:35.080 --> 00:12:37.320 Doctor Dan, and some of my listeners will call me, 217 00:12:37.399 --> 00:12:39.200 will come up with the appropriate phrase. 218 00:12:39.360 --> 00:12:41.879 So thank you. 219 00:12:41.960 --> 00:12:45.080 Every clock is right. 220 00:12:46.440 --> 00:12:46.919 Exactly. 221 00:12:47.600 --> 00:12:49.600 Let's get some phone calls. I must tell you that 222 00:12:49.639 --> 00:12:52.080 I'm a little bit concerned because my first two calls 223 00:12:52.200 --> 00:12:55.799 coming up. Our men, ladies, this is a great opportunity. 224 00:12:55.919 --> 00:13:00.440 Don't pass it. Let's go to Paul in Duxbury, down 225 00:13:00.440 --> 00:13:06.080 on the south coast of Massachusetts. Hie, Paul, you welcome you. 226 00:13:07.039 --> 00:13:08.960 Hello, Hello doctor Hi Dan. 227 00:13:10.120 --> 00:13:10.320 Yeah. 228 00:13:10.519 --> 00:13:13.240 I always joke when I'm talking to people about my 229 00:13:13.320 --> 00:13:16.320 wife and my relationship, I say, well, work in progress, 230 00:13:16.360 --> 00:13:18.399 even though we've been married for thirty four years. 231 00:13:18.480 --> 00:13:21.879 So that's some progress. That's progress. 232 00:13:21.960 --> 00:13:22.759 That's amazing. 233 00:13:25.679 --> 00:13:27.840 So doctor Who, what kind of advice do you give 234 00:13:27.919 --> 00:13:30.120 people when they're going through a tough time. I think 235 00:13:30.120 --> 00:13:33.240 we give up too easily. I'm fine in my relationship. 236 00:13:33.240 --> 00:13:36.159 I'm just what do you what do you give people 237 00:13:37.039 --> 00:13:41.440 when you go through some hard time, suppression of sickness 238 00:13:41.480 --> 00:13:44.159 and so and so forth. I think you have touched 239 00:13:44.200 --> 00:13:44.919 on that a little bit. 240 00:13:46.440 --> 00:13:48.600 Yeah, I would love to and thank you for asking 241 00:13:48.639 --> 00:13:51.960 and congratulations on thirty plus years in your marriage. I 242 00:13:52.000 --> 00:13:56.679 applaud you and congratulate you on that. That is an accomplishment. 243 00:13:56.840 --> 00:14:00.240 So what I tell people in who are going through 244 00:14:00.240 --> 00:14:03.360 hard times is the first thing is that. 245 00:14:03.440 --> 00:14:04.559 That's part of life. 246 00:14:04.600 --> 00:14:08.039 That in a thirty or forty year marriage, we can 247 00:14:08.120 --> 00:14:12.639 expect to go through hard times. So to not freak 248 00:14:12.720 --> 00:14:15.960 out about the hard time and panic about it and go, 249 00:14:16.039 --> 00:14:19.200 oh God, We've got to change everything or I can't 250 00:14:19.240 --> 00:14:22.559 do it. We have to learn through the hard times. 251 00:14:22.559 --> 00:14:25.240 The hard times are what make us stronger as a couple. 252 00:14:25.320 --> 00:14:28.639 As a person. We don't growth through comfort. We grow 253 00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:34.240 through discomfort and challenge and then to really figure out 254 00:14:34.720 --> 00:14:37.399 what each of you needs, So to say to your 255 00:14:37.440 --> 00:14:40.039 partner what can I do to support you, and for 256 00:14:40.159 --> 00:14:43.919 them to say that in response, because we offer. One 257 00:14:43.919 --> 00:14:46.720 of the truths of human relationships is we tend to 258 00:14:46.759 --> 00:14:49.759 love others the way we want to be loved rather 259 00:14:49.799 --> 00:14:52.840 than the way they need to be loved. So you know, 260 00:14:53.399 --> 00:14:57.559 for example, in my life, my husband likes hugs and 261 00:14:57.600 --> 00:15:00.600 I like time alone, and so he used to when 262 00:15:00.600 --> 00:15:02.320 we were first together, he used to come to give 263 00:15:02.320 --> 00:15:04.240 me a hug when I was upset, and I used 264 00:15:04.279 --> 00:15:06.720 to give him space when he was upset. And that 265 00:15:06.799 --> 00:15:10.559 was the wrong thing to do entirely. So finding out 266 00:15:10.639 --> 00:15:14.399 and asking, not expecting to know or for your partner 267 00:15:14.440 --> 00:15:16.679 to know, but instead to have a conversation of how 268 00:15:16.720 --> 00:15:18.480 can I support you? What do you need from me? 269 00:15:19.240 --> 00:15:22.200 That is the biggest piece of advice that I can 270 00:15:22.240 --> 00:15:26.360 offer anybody, is to take the time to keep curious 271 00:15:26.399 --> 00:15:29.240 and to ask the questions to help you get through that. 272 00:15:30.600 --> 00:15:33.320 Absolutely, communication is the key. And my parents used to say, 273 00:15:33.360 --> 00:15:35.600 don't got a bit angry, you got to get it out. 274 00:15:35.159 --> 00:15:41.600 They that works for some people and other people can't 275 00:15:41.639 --> 00:15:44.360 do it, and so you know, there're you gotta Every 276 00:15:44.440 --> 00:15:47.879 couple's got to find out what works for them. That's 277 00:15:47.960 --> 00:15:50.519 great advice for some and other people don't have the 278 00:15:50.559 --> 00:15:53.240 nervous system where they can really resolve things that quickly, 279 00:15:53.360 --> 00:15:55.519 and so then that couple needs to figure it out 280 00:15:55.519 --> 00:15:57.480 a different way, So I'm glad it. 281 00:15:57.440 --> 00:15:58.320 Works for you. 282 00:15:59.320 --> 00:15:59.879 That's awesome. 283 00:16:00.679 --> 00:16:05.000 Want, Paul, how long did your parents marriage last? I 284 00:16:05.000 --> 00:16:08.120 assume they they they stayed. 285 00:16:08.120 --> 00:16:13.720 Together forever, over fifty years. Yeah, they passed away twenty seventeen, 286 00:16:13.759 --> 00:16:15.879 the two of them. But they were a fifty year marriage, yes, 287 00:16:16.360 --> 00:16:20.559 the end. Yeah, Yeah, they did well. I had good 288 00:16:20.600 --> 00:16:24.159 role models, I guess. I guess you sure then, Yeah, 289 00:16:25.039 --> 00:16:27.200 some difficult times. I mean, there was some tough time 290 00:16:27.240 --> 00:16:29.960 for them to My father was an alcoholic, but my 291 00:16:30.120 --> 00:16:32.360 mother always took good care of him and that's why 292 00:16:32.440 --> 00:16:34.399 he lived at be eighty nine. But that's a whole 293 00:16:34.440 --> 00:16:38.720 nother story. We all have those stories. They stuck by it. Yeah, 294 00:16:38.799 --> 00:16:41.200 people don't buy each other. You gotta you gotta give 295 00:16:41.240 --> 00:16:43.639 each other time, and you gotta work through things, and 296 00:16:43.679 --> 00:16:45.879 you gotta if you love them enough, you gotta make 297 00:16:45.919 --> 00:16:47.519 them laugh. So that's all. 298 00:16:49.360 --> 00:16:55.600 I think you therapist, Paul, thanks well my college degree? Well, okay, 299 00:16:55.679 --> 00:17:02.480 there you go. Yeah, thank you six months thinke it? 300 00:17:02.559 --> 00:17:04.880 Easy ball? Talk to you soon. Six one, seven, two, five, 301 00:17:04.960 --> 00:17:09.000 four ten thirty six one seven nine three one ten thirty. Doctor, 302 00:17:09.039 --> 00:17:10.200 give you a little bit of a heads up. We 303 00:17:10.279 --> 00:17:14.200 have a two minute CBS News special report coming up. 304 00:17:15.000 --> 00:17:16.480 Just want to give your heads up on that because 305 00:17:16.480 --> 00:17:19.519 there's been a small plane crash tonight in Philadelphia, coming 306 00:17:19.559 --> 00:17:22.440 on the heels of what happened in the out of 307 00:17:22.519 --> 00:17:26.880 Ragings Airport on Wednesday night. It's uh, it's you know, 308 00:17:27.039 --> 00:17:32.279 it just amplifies how fragile life is and you just 309 00:17:32.519 --> 00:17:34.880 never know. Let me ask you. Here's here's it. Here's 310 00:17:34.880 --> 00:17:42.000 a dumb question. I sometimes will have a silly argument, yeah, 311 00:17:42.079 --> 00:17:45.920 my wife over something, and sometimes it's a silly and 312 00:17:45.960 --> 00:17:48.880 I've had this question. I I sometimes have done a 313 00:17:48.880 --> 00:17:52.119 story on this a roll of toilet paper? Should the 314 00:17:52.119 --> 00:17:53.960 toilet paper come over the roll? 315 00:17:54.440 --> 00:17:54.680 Yeah? 316 00:17:54.880 --> 00:17:55.960 Drop behind the roll? 317 00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:00.920 Are here not the first tress? I've actually had this 318 00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:04.759 conversation on another podcast. So it's amazing. I use that 319 00:18:04.839 --> 00:18:05.960 example all the time. 320 00:18:06.160 --> 00:18:06.359 Yes. 321 00:18:06.599 --> 00:18:09.000 So is there a definitive answer to that or is 322 00:18:09.000 --> 00:18:09.279 it to. 323 00:18:09.279 --> 00:18:11.920 Eat a rabe? 324 00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:14.480 Really is to each their own. And what I comment 325 00:18:14.640 --> 00:18:17.240 to people over and over again is it's never really 326 00:18:17.279 --> 00:18:20.839 about the toilet paper. It represents something else. If there 327 00:18:20.920 --> 00:18:23.480 is an annoying fight, as to all your listeners, if 328 00:18:23.480 --> 00:18:25.640 there's an annoying fight that you have over and over again, 329 00:18:25.680 --> 00:18:27.640 the toilet paper, the cat to clean, the count all 330 00:18:27.640 --> 00:18:30.839 that sort of stuff. You're not actually having it about that. 331 00:18:31.039 --> 00:18:35.160 It's about something beneath that. There's two levels of communication. 332 00:18:35.240 --> 00:18:38.000 There's process and there's content content of the facts, which 333 00:18:38.039 --> 00:18:40.759 way the toilet paper should be hung, and the process 334 00:18:40.839 --> 00:18:43.319 is the meaning underneath. And we're all giving it meaning, 335 00:18:43.319 --> 00:18:46.079 we all have a motion around it, and the conflict 336 00:18:46.160 --> 00:18:49.240 gets resolved when you start listening for that deeper meaning. 337 00:18:49.359 --> 00:18:52.240 So what does that represent to you? Why it has 338 00:18:52.279 --> 00:18:55.200 to be the way it is? Sometimes it's control. Sometimes 339 00:18:55.240 --> 00:18:57.960 it's about feeling listened to. Sometimes it's about you know, 340 00:18:58.079 --> 00:19:02.240 equality in the in the household chores, it's about something else. 341 00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:07.759 So it's never about the toilet paper. Bar the toilet 342 00:19:07.799 --> 00:19:09.799 paper is not the toilet paper. 343 00:19:10.559 --> 00:19:12.240 I think we got to getting pretty close to Rob. 344 00:19:12.279 --> 00:19:17.480 How close we are to the CBS report ten seconds. Okay, 345 00:19:17.519 --> 00:19:19.359 thanks for the heads up. We'll be right back with 346 00:19:19.480 --> 00:19:22.319 my guest talking about how to fire up your relationship 347 00:19:22.400 --> 00:19:25.279 right after this report from CBS News about the plane 348 00:19:25.319 --> 00:19:31.519 crash in Philadelphia. The second one, it's Night Side with. 349 00:19:33.920 --> 00:19:35.160 Boston's News Radio. 350 00:19:36.240 --> 00:19:39.279 Thank you very much. We are talking with a couple's 351 00:19:39.480 --> 00:19:44.359 therapist Carolyn Sharp her book Fire It Up. Four Secrets 352 00:19:44.400 --> 00:19:48.119 to Reigniting intimacy and Joy in your Relationship. It is 353 00:19:48.319 --> 00:19:51.079 just out. Uh, it would cost you a lot of 354 00:19:51.119 --> 00:19:53.160 money to talk to a couple's therapist. So if you 355 00:19:53.200 --> 00:19:55.680 want to call six one, seven, two, five, four to 356 00:19:55.720 --> 00:19:59.480 ten thirty six one seven, nine three one ten thirty 357 00:19:59.559 --> 00:20:02.559 or trip late nine to nine ten thirty. Now, again, 358 00:20:02.640 --> 00:20:06.200 we don't do a lot of this sort of programming, 359 00:20:06.599 --> 00:20:09.640 but I think it's important in my opinion. I hope 360 00:20:09.680 --> 00:20:13.440 you think it as well, And certainly the response of 361 00:20:13.480 --> 00:20:16.039 the audience to my guests tell me if it's a 362 00:20:16.240 --> 00:20:19.480 subject that you want to know, if you'd like to 363 00:20:19.519 --> 00:20:22.240 have more of. So feel free to be guided by 364 00:20:22.240 --> 00:20:27.039 that Four Secrets to reigniting intimacy enjoy in your relationship. 365 00:20:27.079 --> 00:20:32.039 As I try to explain, Carolyn, you're not a dating 366 00:20:32.160 --> 00:20:34.880 side and you're dealing with people who have been married 367 00:20:34.920 --> 00:20:37.920 for some period of time and they have hit upon 368 00:20:38.880 --> 00:20:42.279 rocky shores rocky shores, So what are the secrets to 369 00:20:42.400 --> 00:20:46.880 reigniting the intimacy enjoy in a relationship once that flame 370 00:20:46.960 --> 00:20:47.559 is flickering? 371 00:20:48.920 --> 00:20:50.759 Well, it's the three of the ones were the ones 372 00:20:50.759 --> 00:20:53.079 that I was telling you about the oxygen, the ignition, 373 00:20:53.440 --> 00:20:57.319 and the fuel in the relationship. The fourth one is 374 00:20:57.960 --> 00:21:01.359 the foundation of your relationship, with which many couples don't 375 00:21:01.359 --> 00:21:04.039 actually take the time to create, or if they have, 376 00:21:04.359 --> 00:21:07.359 it was twenty thirty years ago and they haven't revisited it. 377 00:21:07.799 --> 00:21:11.240 And that's the purpose of our relationship. The why we're together, 378 00:21:11.839 --> 00:21:14.759 which lots of couple's default to will love is why 379 00:21:14.759 --> 00:21:18.759 we're together. And that's great to except anybody that's married 380 00:21:18.839 --> 00:21:22.480 for any period of time knows love isn't a constant 381 00:21:22.640 --> 00:21:25.720 state that we feel when we're in the biggest struggle 382 00:21:25.759 --> 00:21:28.480 with each other. Love isn't the first thing that comes 383 00:21:28.519 --> 00:21:30.880 to mind, and so we really need a bigger purpose 384 00:21:31.319 --> 00:21:33.720 that's about, well, we're challenging each other to be our 385 00:21:33.720 --> 00:21:36.200 best selves, or we're supporting each other in our career 386 00:21:36.279 --> 00:21:39.400 and in our adventures, or we travel the world, or 387 00:21:39.759 --> 00:21:41.920 we're making the world a better place, or whatever it is. 388 00:21:42.319 --> 00:21:42.799 You have a. 389 00:21:42.759 --> 00:21:46.200 Purpose that guides the choices that you make in the relationship, 390 00:21:46.240 --> 00:21:49.799 and it guides the goals that you're setting for your relationship. 391 00:21:49.960 --> 00:21:52.839 Like we're we're going to go to Africa next year, 392 00:21:52.960 --> 00:21:54.920 We're going to save money for our retirement or we're 393 00:21:54.920 --> 00:21:55.160 going to. 394 00:21:55.160 --> 00:21:56.559 Buy a boat or whatever it is. 395 00:21:57.680 --> 00:22:01.160 That those goals then guide the daily choices that we 396 00:22:01.240 --> 00:22:05.519 make to hold our tongue or to you know, not 397 00:22:05.680 --> 00:22:08.359 get every coffee that we want to buy, or whatever 398 00:22:08.400 --> 00:22:11.319 it is. We honor those commitments and those goals help 399 00:22:11.400 --> 00:22:14.640 us do that. So those are the sort of overarching 400 00:22:15.039 --> 00:22:18.480 for big secrets, and then within those there are lots 401 00:22:18.519 --> 00:22:22.440