Speaker 1: It's nice with Dan Ray. I'm telling you easy Boston
Speaker 1: New Radio.
Speaker 2: Welcome back everybody, Thanks very much. Elle. It is now
Speaker 2: at the ten o'clock hour, and we have only a
Speaker 2: couple of hours left in January, which makes me very
Speaker 2: happy to be really honest with it, besides the fact
Speaker 2: that today is a Friday, It's January thirty first, and
Speaker 2: next hour we'll go and talk about being happy when
Speaker 2: January is over. We do a twenty eighth our other week,
Speaker 2: and we always try to pick a subject that people
Speaker 2: might find different. Although we do brushes with celebrity two
Speaker 2: or three, at least two or three, maybe four times
Speaker 2: a year. I'm not a big fan of January too long,
Speaker 2: too cold, to wet, too snowy, too boring. And I
Speaker 2: like February. Two weeks from tonight it'll be Valentine's Day.
Speaker 2: That's the segue to my next guest. I am delighted
Speaker 2: to welcome Carolyn Sharp. Carolyn Sharp her book Fire It Up.
Speaker 2: Four Secrets to reigniting intimacy and enjoy in your relationship.
Speaker 2: This book has just hit the publishing houses where I
Speaker 2: should say Amazon and bookstores. Carol and Trump, Welcome to Nightside.
Speaker 2: How are you this evening.
Speaker 3: I'm very well, very happy to be.
Speaker 2: Here, well happy to have you here. As a matter
Speaker 2: of fact, on a Friday night, two weeks before Valentine's Day.
Speaker 2: How's the best happening. It's just came out on January seventh.
Speaker 3: It's doing great. My colleagues and the people that are
Speaker 3: reading it and the reviewers are finding it very helpful
Speaker 3: and entertaining as well. I don't do boring, as I
Speaker 3: like to say, and as my couples know that I
Speaker 3: work with, and so people are finding the humor because
Speaker 3: relationships are difficult and if we can't laugh about it,
Speaker 3: it makes it harder. So everyone's loving it so far.
Speaker 2: No question. I watched a fairly long, not fairly long
Speaker 2: for television long segment, and you certainly have points of view,
Speaker 2: and you are refreshing, and I'm hoping that we can
Speaker 2: spend some time tonight, maybe even talking with listeners who
Speaker 2: might look for some help in their relationship. So you're
Speaker 2: a couple's therapists. Let's let's make sure people understand what
Speaker 2: you do. You're not a matchmaker. You're not someone trying
Speaker 2: to help people either hook up or or or find
Speaker 2: the love of their life. You're basically the person who's
Speaker 2: coming into a relationship which has maybe diminished or broken down,
Speaker 2: broken down, yeah, a lot of different I was trying
Speaker 2: to find a way to that that the flame has
Speaker 2: not quite been extinguished, but but it's embrors or embers
Speaker 2: are dying. And is that an accurate characterization?
Speaker 3: Yes, I mean that is what I did for years
Speaker 3: and years and years full time. That was all I did.
Speaker 3: And then I started to grow frustrated and a little
Speaker 3: bit burned out on how many couples I was seeing
Speaker 3: give up on their relationships. Sort of, this is too hard,
Speaker 3: I'm out of here, coupled with what I think is
Speaker 3: sort of a mythology out there that relationships shouldn't be hard.
Speaker 4: And so I.
Speaker 3: Started getting creative about the ways that I could help
Speaker 3: couples before they ended up in my office as a therapist.
Speaker 3: And so I started doing coaching and courses and retreats
Speaker 3: to try and prevent a lot of the problems that
Speaker 3: end relationships that couples give up their relationship over. So
Speaker 3: while I do provide therapy to the couples that have
Speaker 3: fallen apart, I am more trying to help people before
Speaker 3: they need those services, And that is why I wrote
Speaker 3: the book, is to try and give everybody what they
Speaker 3: need to have a healthy relationship.
Speaker 2: So to put a different way, you're sort of an
Speaker 2: auto mechanic as a moment body shop. You don't want
Speaker 2: to deal with the car which has you'll suffered ten
Speaker 2: thousand dollars worth of damage in a head on accident
Speaker 2: because the brakes when you want to fix whatever's wrong
Speaker 2: with the car so it will stay out of that accident.
Speaker 3: It seems to me, yes, yes, exactly what the clack
Speaker 3: of the relationship business.
Speaker 2: Yeah, has anyone ever hit you with that analogy before?
Speaker 2: I was trying to come up with an analogy on
Speaker 2: my own which would people would make people better understand it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Yeah, I've been Yeah, I mean, I've used that.
Speaker 3: I mean and in the book. The book is obviously
Speaker 3: playing on a fire metaphor that you know, if anybody,
Speaker 3: any of your listeners are our campers, you know that
Speaker 3: there are three ingredients to a healthy fire. There's oxygen,
Speaker 3: there's ignition, and there's fuel. We need all three of
Speaker 3: those things to have a healthy fire. We also need
Speaker 3: those for a healthy relationship. And so that's the metaphor
Speaker 3: I use to build a healthy relationship and then keep
Speaker 3: the relationship sparking and roaring and in all of the
Speaker 3: good ways.
Speaker 2: Okay, so explain how those three elements that are needed
Speaker 2: to to light a campfire and get a campfire going.
Speaker 2: Explain how each of those elements work within a relationship.
Speaker 2: What the oxygen represent, yep.
Speaker 3: Happy to so in a relationship, the oxygen of the
Speaker 3: relationship is the understanding of each other as people, of
Speaker 3: who we are, and the acceptance of each other as
Speaker 3: who we are. So couples spend a lot of time.
Speaker 3: They waste a lot of time trying to get their partner.
Speaker 5: To be like they are.
Speaker 3: Clean the kitchen the way I do it, fix the
Speaker 3: car the way I do it, you know, raise the
Speaker 3: kids the way I do it, And they end up
Speaker 3: wasting a lot of time and causing a lot of
Speaker 3: distance and a lot of conflict. And instead I teach
Speaker 3: people how to really understand why their partner, you know,
Speaker 3: does the dishes the way they do, or all that
Speaker 3: sort of stuff, what it means to us. And that's really,
Speaker 3: you know, a simple and silly example, but that understanding
Speaker 3: is oxygen to us. And the other piece of oxygen
Speaker 3: is the right amount of time together and time apart,
Speaker 3: because as many couples experience going through the pandemic and
Speaker 3: the lockdown, being together twenty four to seven is suffocating
Speaker 3: the relationship, but it an't good for anybody. But neither
Speaker 3: is spending all our time in separate interests, and so
Speaker 3: each couple has to find what's the right balance for
Speaker 3: us of time together and time apart. So that's the oxygen.
Speaker 5: The fuel is.
Speaker 3: The healthy communication, the creating the emotional safety and security
Speaker 3: in the relationship. To be able to be flawed human beings,
Speaker 3: to be able to be our best selves, to be
Speaker 3: able to communicate our needs, get our needs in met.
Speaker 3: That's the fuel for the relationship. And then finally, the
Speaker 3: ignition for the relationship is the passion, the fun, the play,
Speaker 3: the mystery that separates our intimate relationship from every other
Speaker 3: relationship we have out there.
Speaker 5: Because lots of couples over a.
Speaker 3: Twenty thirty forty year marriage commitment end up feeling more
Speaker 3: like roommates or business partners than they do like intimate
Speaker 3: romantic partners. And so you need that ignition to make
Speaker 3: your relationship special and different from any other one you're in.
Speaker 2: Well, you certainly those Yeah, yeah, you've explained it beautifully,
Speaker 2: and I'm hoping some people may have some questions or comments.
Speaker 2: I've got a million questions, and my audience oftentimes will
Speaker 2: rely upon my questions. But feel free give us a
Speaker 2: call six one, seven, two, five, four ten thirty six
Speaker 2: one seven, nine three one ten thirty. And again, this
Speaker 2: is not a sort of a dating scene. We've done
Speaker 2: those before. We don't do this very often, by the way, Carolyn.
Speaker 2: We do a lot of politics and current events and
Speaker 2: what's going on in the world, whether it's a horrific
Speaker 2: plane crash, as we spent a lot of time for
Speaker 2: the last couple of nights. It's funny when those incidents occur.
Speaker 2: Someone mentioned to me today that it just underscore the
Speaker 2: fragility of life. I think all of us that granted,
Speaker 2: and we get into a silly, stupid argument with those
Speaker 2: to us, and we expand, you know, so much energy
Speaker 2: on stuff that really is not important. And then when
Speaker 2: you see something where these people are literally in a
Speaker 2: landing pattern, I mean they're they're they're almost ready to
Speaker 2: touch down and and and and complete the flight, and
Speaker 2: out of nowhere, the helicopter collides and everybody's done in
Speaker 2: a matter of seconds. It just shows shows you how
Speaker 2: fragile life is. And whatever arguments you're having with your spouse,
Speaker 2: they pale in comparison to you. Look at some of
Speaker 2: these as as it so happened up here they were.
Speaker 2: There are some widowers now because of a couple of
Speaker 2: the skaters. Their moms went with them to this particular event.
Speaker 2: It's it's horrible. So folks, take advantage of the opportunity
Speaker 2: we present to you tonight. And if you'd like to
Speaker 2: talk with Carolyn Sharp, she's a couple's therapist. You'd have
Speaker 2: to pay a lot of money to spend some time
Speaker 2: talking to Carolyn Sharp or any other couple's therapist. Uh,
Speaker 2: this is available for you. Six one, seven, two, five,
Speaker 2: four ten thirty six one seven, nine, three, one ten
Speaker 2: thirty Coming right back on Nightside. Value our time together
Speaker 2: because again, at some point, the candle of life goes out,
Speaker 2: and it often goes out in a very sudden way
Speaker 2: that none of us expect. Back on Nightside after this.
Speaker 1: Now back to Dan Ray live from the Window World
Speaker 1: Nightside Studios on WBZ News Radio.
Speaker 2: My guest is Carolyn Sharp. She has written a book
Speaker 2: Fired up. She is a long time couple's therapist. Before
Speaker 2: we get to phone calls Carolyn real quickly. There's an
Speaker 2: old saying that opposites attract. I'm not sure that's true.
Speaker 2: What happens when you get the sort of Hollywood type
Speaker 2: marriages where you have the the handsome leading man and
Speaker 2: the beautiful starlet. They're there megastars, and they they're A personalities.
Speaker 2: I guess they're hard chargers and they always seem to
Speaker 2: end up getting divorced. Yeah, yeah, So how tough is
Speaker 2: it for two A personalities to coexist in a marriage.
Speaker 3: Well, you know, first, the sort of idea of opposites attracts,
Speaker 3: there's actually brain science to that. When we first meet
Speaker 3: another person and are interested in dating, there's a genetic
Speaker 3: component to that, where we're where our brain is looking
Speaker 3: unconsciously for mating for life. At around six to eighteen months,
Speaker 3: our brain starts looking for familiarity. It's looking for what
Speaker 3: do I recognize as familiar to me in relationships and
Speaker 3: what we were taught to expect in relationships. So then
Speaker 3: that's when we marry our parents. You know that expression
Speaker 3: that you married your mother or you married your father,
Speaker 3: it's because we're marrying the dynamic that we grew up with,
Speaker 3: you know, some of us. I grew up in New
Speaker 3: York and it was a high conflict, you know, like
Speaker 3: yelling was normal and sarcasm was normal, and that is
Speaker 3: what I'm you know, that is what I've found myself in.
Speaker 3: That's what's familiar to me. So that's where that expression
Speaker 3: comes from. There's some truth to it as to you know,
Speaker 3: two A types. You know, there are all kinds of
Speaker 3: differences in relationship in terms of high conflict couples or
Speaker 3: high arousal couples and arousal I don't mean in the
Speaker 3: fun way. I mean people that get real hot, real angry,
Speaker 3: real fast, take a long time to slow down, all
Speaker 3: that kind of stuff. And there's real science to that.
Speaker 3: And so it's like a I don't know, it's like
Speaker 3: a grid of the different characteristics, some of which are
Speaker 3: easily resolved and.
Speaker 5: Some of which are really tricky to resolve.
Speaker 3: Hollywood doesn't do us any favors, and a lot of
Speaker 3: the mythologies that you shouldn't have to work on your
Speaker 3: relationship and it should be easy, and all of that
Speaker 3: sort of stuff coupled with sort of you know, what's
Speaker 3: the expression.
Speaker 5: We want what we want, and we want.
Speaker 3: It fast, and if we don't get it fast, we
Speaker 3: sort of toss it out, you know everything. Instant gratification,
Speaker 3: instant gratification. Thank you, there it is, it's it's it's
Speaker 3: past my bedtime. If I'm If I'm being honest, my
Speaker 3: vocabulary is a little bit gone at this out reason.
Speaker 2: Doctor Dan, and some of my listeners will call me,
Speaker 2: will come up with the appropriate phrase.
Speaker 3: So thank you.
Speaker 2: Every clock is right.
Speaker 3: Exactly.
Speaker 2: Let's get some phone calls. I must tell you that
Speaker 2: I'm a little bit concerned because my first two calls
Speaker 2: coming up. Our men, ladies, this is a great opportunity.
Speaker 2: Don't pass it. Let's go to Paul in Duxbury, down
Speaker 2: on the south coast of Massachusetts. Hie, Paul, you welcome you.
Speaker 4: Hello, Hello doctor Hi Dan.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I always joke when I'm talking to people about my
Speaker 4: wife and my relationship, I say, well, work in progress,
Speaker 4: even though we've been married for thirty four years.
Speaker 2: So that's some progress. That's progress.
Speaker 3: That's amazing.
Speaker 4: So doctor Who, what kind of advice do you give
Speaker 4: people when they're going through a tough time. I think
Speaker 4: we give up too easily. I'm fine in my relationship.
Speaker 4: I'm just what do you what do you give people
Speaker 4: when you go through some hard time, suppression of sickness
Speaker 4: and so and so forth. I think you have touched
Speaker 4: on that a little bit.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I would love to and thank you for asking
Speaker 3: and congratulations on thirty plus years in your marriage. I
Speaker 3: applaud you and congratulate you on that. That is an accomplishment.
Speaker 3: So what I tell people in who are going through
Speaker 3: hard times is the first thing is that.
Speaker 5: That's part of life.
Speaker 3: That in a thirty or forty year marriage, we can
Speaker 3: expect to go through hard times. So to not freak
Speaker 3: out about the hard time and panic about it and go,
Speaker 3: oh God, We've got to change everything or I can't
Speaker 3: do it. We have to learn through the hard times.
Speaker 3: The hard times are what make us stronger as a couple.
Speaker 3: As a person. We don't growth through comfort. We grow
Speaker 3: through discomfort and challenge and then to really figure out
Speaker 3: what each of you needs, So to say to your
Speaker 3: partner what can I do to support you, and for
Speaker 3: them to say that in response, because we offer. One
Speaker 3: of the truths of human relationships is we tend to
Speaker 3: love others the way we want to be loved rather
Speaker 3: than the way they need to be loved. So you know,
Speaker 3: for example, in my life, my husband likes hugs and
Speaker 3: I like time alone, and so he used to when
Speaker 3: we were first together, he used to come to give
Speaker 3: me a hug when I was upset, and I used
Speaker 3: to give him space when he was upset. And that
Speaker 3: was the wrong thing to do entirely. So finding out
Speaker 3: and asking, not expecting to know or for your partner
Speaker 3: to know, but instead to have a conversation of how
Speaker 3: can I support you? What do you need from me?
Speaker 3: That is the biggest piece of advice that I can
Speaker 3: offer anybody, is to take the time to keep curious
Speaker 3: and to ask the questions to help you get through that.
Speaker 4: Absolutely, communication is the key. And my parents used to say,
Speaker 4: don't got a bit angry, you got to get it out.
Speaker 3: They that works for some people and other people can't
Speaker 3: do it, and so you know, there're you gotta Every
Speaker 3: couple's got to find out what works for them. That's
Speaker 3: great advice for some and other people don't have the
Speaker 3: nervous system where they can really resolve things that quickly,
Speaker 3: and so then that couple needs to figure it out
Speaker 3: a different way, So I'm glad it.
Speaker 5: Works for you.
Speaker 4: That's awesome.
Speaker 2: Want, Paul, how long did your parents marriage last? I
Speaker 2: assume they they they stayed.
Speaker 4: Together forever, over fifty years. Yeah, they passed away twenty seventeen,
Speaker 4: the two of them. But they were a fifty year marriage, yes,
Speaker 4: the end. Yeah, Yeah, they did well. I had good
Speaker 4: role models, I guess. I guess you sure then, Yeah,
Speaker 4: some difficult times. I mean, there was some tough time
Speaker 4: for them to My father was an alcoholic, but my
Speaker 4: mother always took good care of him and that's why
Speaker 4: he lived at be eighty nine. But that's a whole
Speaker 4: nother story. We all have those stories. They stuck by it. Yeah,
Speaker 4: people don't buy each other. You gotta you gotta give
Speaker 4: each other time, and you gotta work through things, and
Speaker 4: you gotta if you love them enough, you gotta make
Speaker 4: them laugh. So that's all.
Speaker 2: I think you therapist, Paul, thanks well my college degree? Well, okay,
Speaker 2: there you go. Yeah, thank you six months thinke it?
Speaker 2: Easy ball? Talk to you soon. Six one, seven, two, five,
Speaker 2: four ten thirty six one seven nine three one ten thirty. Doctor,
Speaker 2: give you a little bit of a heads up. We
Speaker 2: have a two minute CBS News special report coming up.
Speaker 2: Just want to give your heads up on that because
Speaker 2: there's been a small plane crash tonight in Philadelphia, coming
Speaker 2: on the heels of what happened in the out of
Speaker 2: Ragings Airport on Wednesday night. It's uh, it's you know,
Speaker 2: it just amplifies how fragile life is and you just
Speaker 2: never know. Let me ask you. Here's here's it. Here's
Speaker 2: a dumb question. I sometimes will have a silly argument, yeah,
Speaker 2: my wife over something, and sometimes it's a silly and
Speaker 2: I've had this question. I I sometimes have done a
Speaker 2: story on this a roll of toilet paper? Should the
Speaker 2: toilet paper come over the roll?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Drop behind the roll?
Speaker 3: Are here not the first tress? I've actually had this
Speaker 3: conversation on another podcast. So it's amazing. I use that
Speaker 3: example all the time.
Speaker 5: Yes.
Speaker 2: So is there a definitive answer to that or is
Speaker 2: it to.
Speaker 5: Eat a rabe?
Speaker 3: Really is to each their own. And what I comment
Speaker 3: to people over and over again is it's never really
Speaker 3: about the toilet paper. It represents something else. If there
Speaker 3: is an annoying fight, as to all your listeners, if
Speaker 3: there's an annoying fight that you have over and over again,
Speaker 3: the toilet paper, the cat to clean, the count all
Speaker 3: that sort of stuff. You're not actually having it about that.
Speaker 3: It's about something beneath that. There's two levels of communication.
Speaker 3: There's process and there's content content of the facts, which
Speaker 3: way the toilet paper should be hung, and the process
Speaker 3: is the meaning underneath. And we're all giving it meaning,
Speaker 3: we all have a motion around it, and the conflict
Speaker 3: gets resolved when you start listening for that deeper meaning.
Speaker 3: So what does that represent to you? Why it has
Speaker 3: to be the way it is? Sometimes it's control. Sometimes
Speaker 3: it's about feeling listened to. Sometimes it's about you know,
Speaker 3: equality in the in the household chores, it's about something else.
Speaker 3: So it's never about the toilet paper. Bar the toilet
Speaker 3: paper is not the toilet paper.
Speaker 2: I think we got to getting pretty close to Rob.
Speaker 2: How close we are to the CBS report ten seconds. Okay,
Speaker 2: thanks for the heads up. We'll be right back with
Speaker 2: my guest talking about how to fire up your relationship
Speaker 2: right after this report from CBS News about the plane
Speaker 2: crash in Philadelphia. The second one, it's Night Side with.
Speaker 1: Boston's News Radio.
Speaker 2: Thank you very much. We are talking with a couple's
Speaker 2: therapist Carolyn Sharp her book Fire It Up. Four Secrets
Speaker 2: to Reigniting intimacy and Joy in your Relationship. It is
Speaker 2: just out. Uh, it would cost you a lot of
Speaker 2: money to talk to a couple's therapist. So if you
Speaker 2: want to call six one, seven, two, five, four to
Speaker 2: ten thirty six one seven, nine three one ten thirty
Speaker 2: or trip late nine to nine ten thirty. Now, again,
Speaker 2: we don't do a lot of this sort of programming,
Speaker 2: but I think it's important in my opinion. I hope
Speaker 2: you think it as well, And certainly the response of
Speaker 2: the audience to my guests tell me if it's a
Speaker 2: subject that you want to know, if you'd like to
Speaker 2: have more of. So feel free to be guided by
Speaker 2: that Four Secrets to reigniting intimacy enjoy in your relationship.
Speaker 2: As I try to explain, Carolyn, you're not a dating
Speaker 2: side and you're dealing with people who have been married
Speaker 2: for some period of time and they have hit upon
Speaker 2: rocky shores rocky shores, So what are the secrets to
Speaker 2: reigniting the intimacy enjoy in a relationship once that flame
Speaker 2: is flickering?
Speaker 3: Well, it's the three of the ones were the ones
Speaker 3: that I was telling you about the oxygen, the ignition,
Speaker 3: and the fuel in the relationship. The fourth one is
Speaker 3: the foundation of your relationship, with which many couples don't
Speaker 3: actually take the time to create, or if they have,
Speaker 3: it was twenty thirty years ago and they haven't revisited it.
Speaker 3: And that's the purpose of our relationship. The why we're together,
Speaker 3: which lots of couple's default to will love is why
Speaker 3: we're together. And that's great to except anybody that's married
Speaker 3: for any period of time knows love isn't a constant
Speaker 3: state that we feel when we're in the biggest struggle
Speaker 3: with each other. Love isn't the first thing that comes
Speaker 3: to mind, and so we really need a bigger purpose
Speaker 3: that's about, well, we're challenging each other to be our
Speaker 3: best selves, or we're supporting each other in our career
Speaker 3: and in our adventures, or we travel the world, or
Speaker 3: we're making the world a better place, or whatever it is.
Speaker 5: You have a.
Speaker 3: Purpose that guides the choices that you make in the relationship,
Speaker 3: and it guides the goals that you're setting for your relationship.
Speaker 3: Like we're we're going to go to Africa next year,
Speaker 3: We're going to save money for our retirement or we're
Speaker 3: going to.
Speaker 5: Buy a boat or whatever it is.
Speaker 3: That those goals then guide the daily choices that we
Speaker 3: make to hold our tongue or to you know, not
Speaker 3: get every coffee that we want to buy, or whatever
Speaker 3: it is. We honor those commitments and those goals help
Speaker 3: us do that. So those are the sort of overarching
Speaker 3: for big secrets, and then within those there are lots
Speaker 3: of tips to bring the fire back if it's you know,
Speaker 3: gone out for a period of time, which is also
Speaker 3: a natural part of a long marriage.
Speaker 2: What percentage of the couples that they've come to you
Speaker 2: are able to reignite that relationship and can and basically
Speaker 2: get some help and get squared away. And what percentage
Speaker 2: of the couples that come to you have waited way
Speaker 2: too long or maybe it was not to be.
Speaker 3: You know, by the nature of those myths that I
Speaker 3: was mentioning before, the expectation that relationships shouldn't work, couples
Speaker 3: wait too long, and the fact that we let you know,
Speaker 3: we make the commitment and then we sort of check
Speaker 3: that area off our life, like all right, I'm married,
Speaker 3: I'm good. I don't need to worry about that part
Speaker 3: of my life anymore, and we just sort of let
Speaker 3: it go. By the time they reach out to a
Speaker 3: couple therapists, they are.
Speaker 5: In often in trouble.
Speaker 3: And so I have had over the years, I've had
Speaker 3: a lot of couples that come to me really for
Speaker 3: my help in breaking them up and giving them permission
Speaker 3: to walk away or to admit to doing something terrible
Speaker 3: in their relationship. And so my percentages, you know, I
Speaker 3: mean in terms of success. You know, my job is
Speaker 3: to help people find happiness and find health for themselves,
Speaker 3: and that isn't always staying in the relationship. I wish,
Speaker 3: you know, And that is why I wrote the book,
Speaker 3: is to help people before they need a therapist, before
Speaker 3: they've done horrible things to one another, to actually learn
Speaker 3: how to create health. And what I say over and
Speaker 3: over is a couple aside from where there is violence,
Speaker 3: any couple can make their relationship healthy and loving and
Speaker 3: vital again if they both wanted and if they're both
Speaker 3: interested in it. The challenge comes when somebody waits too
Speaker 3: long and they're already completely checked out, like they've already
Speaker 3: decided I'm done. I can't do anything for anybody who's
Speaker 3: decided I don't want to be here anymore.
Speaker 2: At that point, you're a motician.
Speaker 3: Yes, exactly, I'm no longer a car mechanic. I'm the
Speaker 3: junkiep at that point selling things for parts.
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's keep rolling here. We're going to go to Barbara,
Speaker 2: who is calling in for New Hampshire. Barbara, appreciate you
Speaker 2: calling in tonight.
Speaker 6: Welcome, Hi Carolyn, shot Barbara, Hi Barbara.
Speaker 3: Happy.
Speaker 6: I'm happy to announce that next month I will be
Speaker 6: married fifty seven years.
Speaker 3: WHOA, that's awesome.
Speaker 6: I married my childhood sweethet. We had four beautiful children,
Speaker 6: very successful, and we have six wonderful grandchildren.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 3: Congratulations.
Speaker 6: And I think the secret was we constantly picked each
Speaker 6: other up. We made each other feel.
Speaker 5: Good, you know.
Speaker 6: Yes, we weren't doing something, or we were upset about something,
Speaker 6: we tried to make that into a positive thing so
Speaker 6: that we did it together. I guess because we had
Speaker 6: both had the same goals.
Speaker 2: Was there ever a point, a Barber in your relationship.
Speaker 2: Sounds to me like it wasn't. But was there ever
Speaker 2: a point in your relationship where you said this isn't working.
Speaker 6: No, I really can't say that. I can't. We we
Speaker 6: were young, We had, my husband was going through college.
Speaker 6: We didn't have much money. We saved for our house
Speaker 6: over the years. We lived in the same house for
Speaker 6: forty two years in order to get bring our children
Speaker 6: up and educate them. We didn't go for fancy things,
Speaker 6: but we did have a good time. We had fun.
Speaker 3: That's awesome.
Speaker 5: What a great story.
Speaker 3: And what you're talking about is you amplified each other.
Speaker 3: You lifted each other up.
Speaker 6: Go ahead, and we have our house in New Hampshire
Speaker 6: and everyone comes to that house. We call it our camp,
Speaker 6: but it's a nice house on the lake and everybody comes,
Speaker 6: even our daughter from California who's out in San Francisco, Dan.
Speaker 2: And Francisco too, so we have something.
Speaker 6: She comes every year for summer vacation to you and
Speaker 6: her husband, and every Christmas they come to the whole
Speaker 6: Christmas holidays and we always together. We enjoy each other's company.
Speaker 2: Well, I'll tell you of what did they say?
Speaker 4: Uh?
Speaker 2: Is this there's a match for everybody? And with eight
Speaker 2: billion people in the world. Sounds to me like you
Speaker 2: found your match.
Speaker 3: I did.
Speaker 6: And we had tough times financially and but we stuck
Speaker 6: together and we made it.
Speaker 2: Can let me ask you I want to ask Carolyn
Speaker 2: a question, Carolyn, can tough times financially, which obviously is
Speaker 2: going to put stress in a marriage, can it at times,
Speaker 2: as in maybe Barber's case, actually pull people together?
Speaker 3: Absolutely, Any any hard times can pull people together. You know,
Speaker 3: even even the terrible things that I'm naming of, you know,
Speaker 3: couples doing horrible things to each other, like having an
Speaker 3: affair or something.
Speaker 5: If the couple decides, all right, what can we.
Speaker 3: Learn from this and how can we use this to
Speaker 3: make us stronger? It will absolutely make a couple stronger,
Speaker 3: just like that constitution will make a person stronger if
Speaker 3: I'm going through something, or you know, a period of
Speaker 3: difficulty for a country could make the country stronger. It's
Speaker 3: about everybody deciding we're going to use this difficulty, you know,
Speaker 3: plane crash or whatever to make us stronger. And it's
Speaker 3: a decision.
Speaker 5: It's a choice.
Speaker 3: And Barbara and her husband, wisely, you know, made the
Speaker 3: commitment and made the decision. We are sticking together and
Speaker 3: we're lifting each other up. And probably some days Barbara
Speaker 3: did a bigger job of this, and other days her
Speaker 3: husband lifted her up and she didn't have much to give,
Speaker 3: you know, that's that's a life together. And bravos the
Speaker 3: two of you for having the wisdom to know this
Speaker 3: is our job. We need to put our work here
Speaker 3: because we're building something and look at what you've built.
Speaker 6: Nobody is perfect. And my noildren looked at us and say,
Speaker 6: you guys are the greatest. You guys just we want
Speaker 6: a marriage like you have marriage, You have your children?
Speaker 2: Have your children found obviously that none of your children
Speaker 2: are going to be married for anywhere near the length
Speaker 2: of time that you're married. But are any of your
Speaker 2: children currently married? Do they have grandchildren? Have have things
Speaker 2: looked at?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 6: All four? All four or married, two girls, two boys,
Speaker 6: and the oldest girl, as I said, lives in San Francisco,
Speaker 6: and the rest are here in New England. And I
Speaker 6: have six beautiful grandchildren, of which there's a set of twins,
Speaker 6: a boy and a girl twin which I adore, and
Speaker 6: they're in the teenage. He is the oldest. Two were
Speaker 6: in college. And then we have the two little ones
Speaker 6: that are the light of my life. They have four
Speaker 6: and eight.
Speaker 2: I'm going to ask you what I'm going to ask you, Barbara,
Speaker 2: A tough question. Okay, Okay, here's the question how much
Speaker 2: did either religion or faith, either organized or unorganized, play
Speaker 2: in the success of your marriage.
Speaker 6: Well, I think it played a very big pot. Although
Speaker 6: now I leave it up to my children to decide
Speaker 6: how they are going to express themselves and their religious beliefs.
Speaker 6: My husband and I were very involved in our church
Speaker 6: as teenagers, and we were very involved in when we
Speaker 6: were first married, and our best friend was our parish priest,
Speaker 6: and he married all of us and he christened all
Speaker 6: the babies, and he was wonderful.
Speaker 2: Barbara. It's a fairy tale story, but it's a fairy
Speaker 2: tale story that's true. And I thank you for sharing
Speaker 2: it with us tonight because it's so thank you.
Speaker 6: Go ahead, Barbara, No, I just said, thank you, Dan,
Speaker 6: thank you for saying that.
Speaker 2: Well, I mean, I mean from the bottom of my heart,
Speaker 2: thank you, Barbara.
Speaker 5: Thanks for listening to you story.
Speaker 6: We'll talk again, okay, okay, and thank you for your show.
Speaker 6: I'm enjoying it all right.
Speaker 2: We'll try to keep keep keep on keeping on. Okay,
Speaker 2: thank you much. I've okay, you keep it up, you
Speaker 2: keep it up. Thanks Bobering, good night. Wow, that's for sure.
Speaker 2: But if you have a question, we have a few
Speaker 2: more minutes left with my guest Carolyn Sharp. She is
Speaker 2: a couple's therapist. I think at this point I do
Speaker 2: not need to describe to you what she does and
Speaker 2: what she doesn't do. And if you'd like to call
Speaker 2: and ask a question or make a comment, you are
Speaker 2: more than welcome. And is you've got some time left?
Speaker 2: Six one seven thirty six one seven nine thirty. I
Speaker 2: very much, Carolyn. I know you're in a different time
Speaker 2: zone than we are. I very much appreciate your time,
Speaker 2: uh tonight, because I think that on a subject like this,
Speaker 2: my experience is that a lot of times people want
Speaker 2: to listen no call, But I'm suspected that maybe one
Speaker 2: or two other people out there who will get on
Speaker 2: the phone in the in the next few minutes, feel
Speaker 2: free to join the conferences. To be back on Outside
Speaker 2: with Carolyn Sharp.
Speaker 1: Now back to Dan Ray live from the Window World.
Speaker 1: Nice since two years on WBZ News Radio.
Speaker 2: I told you there were more people out there. Let's
Speaker 2: go to Chuck, I mean Brockton, Massachusetts. Chuck, you're next
Speaker 2: or NICEID with Carolyn Shark.
Speaker 7: Go right ahead, Chuck, Well, Hi, good good evening, and
Speaker 7: thanks for taking my call. Welcome, very lungs, but short stor.
Speaker 7: I've been married for about twenty years and it's been
Speaker 7: a great and bad marriage, up and down, but for
Speaker 7: a couple ten years ten years or so, very special
Speaker 7: marriage because we were intimate and we are doing so
Speaker 7: much things, going away on vacations and once a year
Speaker 7: or twice the year, and having a good time for
Speaker 7: our anniversary, do everything every year, some things. But then
Speaker 7: it came to slump at one point where we start
Speaker 7: not trusting each other, and so that trust led to
Speaker 7: me secing alternative, you know, something, some other loving personnel
Speaker 7: that I would be there for me, kids that we
Speaker 7: were in trusted each other for a long period of time,
Speaker 7: and so like I would go away or she would
Speaker 7: go somewhere and not tell me when she's leaving, and
Speaker 7: it just it just became a long drawn out, unhealthy relationship.
Speaker 7: And at some point I seek guidance, which was going
Speaker 7: to church or something like that, and I came back,
Speaker 7: I asked the forgiveness, and that never happened, and so
Speaker 7: I sort of like give up in my mind, I
Speaker 7: give upon the relationship, but we're still together, and through
Speaker 7: it all we I end up having an outside child.
Speaker 7: And now for the last we're still together, but for
Speaker 7: the last two years we have not really been intimate.
Speaker 7: But we're still together and she still does everything as
Speaker 7: a wife and everything. But it's just I don't know
Speaker 7: if the it's just it's I love her, she loves me,
Speaker 7: but it's just the it's it's like it's gone. Okay,
Speaker 7: let's get out of chuck.
Speaker 2: Let's let's thank you for burying your soul literally and figuratives. Yeah,
Speaker 2: let's get let's get a response reaction to Carolyn. We
Speaker 2: only got a couple of minutes left, so please yeah,
Speaker 2: let's yeah.
Speaker 3: I would I would echo with Dana Is saying and
Speaker 3: thanking you for being so vulnerable and sharing that, and
Speaker 3: I'm I'm sorry to hear that you you two have
Speaker 3: gone through so much. It's not uncommon in a course
Speaker 3: of a twenty year marriage to hit some really rough patches,
Speaker 3: and many of us were not taught the right way
Speaker 3: to cope with those rough patches, and so we don't
Speaker 3: act in the ways that our better selves would like to.
Speaker 3: You know that I'm not going to be able to
Speaker 3: do justice and provide all the care and support you
Speaker 3: deserve in just a couple of minutes. And so I
Speaker 3: really do encourage you to continue to seek guidance from
Speaker 3: a pastor, or a counselor, or a friend or all
Speaker 3: of the above, but to create the space and the
Speaker 3: understanding that you guys have some healing to do to
Speaker 3: really allow for those injuries that you've caused, not because
Speaker 3: you meant to, but that have been caused.
Speaker 5: To allow those to really heal.
Speaker 3: It's not going to be you know, I don't have,
Speaker 3: you know, magic therapy dust that I could sprinkle over
Speaker 3: you through the airwaves. Unfortunately, if I did, I would
Speaker 3: give it to you. But it is going to really
Speaker 3: take some time to heal that stuff, and so use
Speaker 3: the love that you have for one another to create
Speaker 3: the understanding that she's hurting and that you're hurting, and
Speaker 3: to extend that love in the understanding of I want
Speaker 3: you to feel better. I want to earn your trust back,
Speaker 3: both of you saying this to each other, and then
Speaker 3: figure out, all right, what sports and resources can we get.
Speaker 3: You know, my book might help you, there are lots
Speaker 3: of other books that might help you in those sorts
Speaker 3: of circumstances. And through the you know, Dan will put
Speaker 3: my information up on the wherever you put it to
Speaker 3: get my information so that I could send you some
Speaker 3: additional resources, which I would be happy to do.
Speaker 5: Thank you.
Speaker 7: The one last thing is that for the reason why
Speaker 7: I kind of stepped out is because after asking for forgiveness,
Speaker 7: before I even did anything, we went to a couple's
Speaker 7: therapy and I tried that I could looked through a
Speaker 7: couple of therapies so we can get to this, and
Speaker 7: we went once or twice and she just had it.
Speaker 7: She did denied. You know, one of them do couple therapies.
Speaker 2: And I hate to do this to you, but you've
Speaker 2: called so late, I'm flat out of time. Let me
Speaker 2: give the name of the book and you can call
Speaker 2: back to Rob, or you can stay in the line.
Speaker 2: Rob write this down. The name of the book is
Speaker 2: Fired Up by Carolyn Sharp sha Arp Carolyn Sharp, Okay,
Speaker 2: fire it up. It's available your website, Carolyn, I believe
Speaker 2: is Secure Connections.
Speaker 3: Retreats Retreats dot Com. Yept call and I will be
Speaker 3: at Jabberwockiebooks in newbury Port on the fifteenth, the day
Speaker 3: after Valentine's Day, for a book.
Speaker 2: You don't want to tell you what, because I'm kind
Speaker 2: of cutting you short here, How do your publicist call
Speaker 2: my producer and I will have them on that week
Speaker 2: before the event, so we can plug that for you
Speaker 2: and get you some people to get out to new report. Okay,
Speaker 2: so I'll ask you. I do that. The website, Chuck,
Speaker 2: stay there and Rob will write it down. Is secure
Speaker 2: Connections plural retreats. So secure Connections retreats dot com. Chuck,
Speaker 2: thank you for your call, and best of luck, my friend.
Speaker 2: You sound like a guy who wants to make it work.
Speaker 2: Rob will give you whatever else information you need to
Speaker 2: the other calls. I apologize, Carolyn. I thank you immensely
Speaker 2: for your time, and I owe you a few minutes
Speaker 2: and we'll do it again. I promise the week before
Speaker 2: you appear like that week the twelfth, of the thirteenth.
Speaker 3: Okay, awesome, love loves being on. Thank you for your time.
Speaker 2: You're very welcome, Carolyn Sharp the book fire it up
Speaker 2: coming back twenty hour right after the eleven o'clock news
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Speaker 1: WBZ Boston, w XKSFM, HD two Bedford, and Iheartradiot Show.
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Speaker 2: Good evening.
Speaker 10: I'm Al Griffith and here's what's happening on the heels
Speaker 10: of Wednesday night's deadly midair collision, killing sixty seven.
Speaker 2: People in Washington, DC.
Speaker 10: A small jet crashes in Philadelphia tonight, officials in Philly
Speaker 10: providing a very brief update after a Lear Jet fifty
Speaker 10: five crashed shortly after takeoff from the northeast Philadelphia Airport,
Speaker 10: coming down in a very busy shopping strip of the
Speaker 10: Pennsylvania city. The FAA confirming six people on board that
Speaker 10: flight were en route to Springfield Branson National Airport in Missouri,
Speaker 10: but a total count of injured or killed has not
Speaker 10: been reportable yet.
Speaker 2: When phil